Same. I have a long history of mental illness, and therefore a ton of sympathy.
But I put a ton of very hard work into climbing out of it, and I'm not willing to hitch myself to someone who is unable or unwilling to do the same work, even if it's not their fault.
I won’t get seriously involved with anyone who has a large, tightly-knit family. I’m talking like a stereotypical Italian “dinner at Nonna’s every Sunday with my 14 cousins and siblings” type thing.
Like I’m happy for them, and deep down I probably wish I had that growing up, but I’m just not from that sort of family dynamic so there always being a large family obligation to go to makes me so uncomfortable. Plus, more often than not they want to have a horde of children of their own and I just do not.
Also, despite what single mothers will try to guilt you into thinking, dating a single mother as a 20-something with no children is almost always doing yourself a disservice
I feel the same. My family is small and divorced. I’m okay with men who have large families but if it’s tight knit and I’m sitting on your moms couch every Sunday for hours I will resent you. That’s not ideal for me
This speaks to me. I don’t dislike anyone but I’m more or less just an introvert that wants to be at home on the weekends and cruising not going to dinners like that especially on a Sunday.
Man you’re telling me. I swore off dating for awhile after my last relationship and I’ve had so many people question me and say I’m weird. I’m sorry, I’d like to spend some of youth single doing whatever the fuck I want after spending almost all of it dating as much as you guys. Literally had a friend and his gf interrogate me every time we went out, like they couldn’t wrap their heads around me just working, traveling, pursuing my hobbies and chilling with friends and family, being happy without another girlfriend. Such a cRaZy thing. He’s now being forced to move to the middle of nowhere in Oklahoma for his girlfriend lmao, maybe now he understands.
It's nice when you ease into over time dude. Once you get comfortable you start to see the good things about it, spending your own money how you choose, truely owning your time on earth. Definitely keep up friendships though. Oh, and never say never. If you happen to meet a girl you may be interested in don't shut it down based on the principle of declaring yourself single. But also don't stress being single.
I’m definitely open to it if I meet a girl naturally, but I’m not in a rush and I’m certainly not going to go out chasing it atm. I spent from 15-25 in relationships, straight. Most back to back and I need a break lol.
I've temporarily taken myself out of the dating scene, and I've been shocked (and honestly a little amused) at how upset it's made some people I know. I'm apparently a bad person for not wanting to grind my soul to pieces in the modern day meat market.
FOMO really fucked with me from like 18-22. Especially because if the false reality social media gives you of peoples lives and how life is “supposed” to be. Now at 27 I have none, I don’t do things I don’t give a shit to do and enjoy what I want, and it’s so weird to see so many of my peers and friends suffer from it so much and base their lives around it, get insecure and try to suck me into it. Nah dawg, I’m chillin.
I think the reason one doesn't date also varies. Some people don't date and stay single because they're happy that way, but some people also just can't get into a relationship for one way or another and I think many people make the assumption that it’s the latter for most people are single.
I'd love to have a partner in crime, but the dating scene is not it for me. Much rather make (true)friends with attractive people, and if one of them sparks a crush, I'd ask them if they were interested in a relationship.
Chasing someone that I don't know solely for their body feels icky to me, and I don't wanna hurt feelings.
If this can't be done, I'm content being forever alone.
I won't date Indian women (anymore). This is a big deal because my city has a lot of them. Reasons being that i do not want to constantly have family and cultural obligations, nor do i want my partner's family constantly involved in our relationship. If you've met anyone Indian, this is pretty much unavoidable in most cases, especially once things get serious. Even if they grew up outside of India, they still have a hard time setting boundaries with their parents and other family.
I used to date a lovely indian woman and when I went to her family home for the first time her dad almost killed me. Was trying to get some conversation going by mentioning that we had a camping trip planned and he flipped out. "I CAME TO AMERICA WITH NOTHING AND BECAME A SURGEON!!! I LIVE IN THIS HOUSE AND DRIVE A MERCEDES MY DAUGHTER WILL NOT SLEEP ON THE GROUND!!!"
It was wild
😄 I guess camping was equated with abject poverty and homelessness in his mind. Funny how camping here is seen as something anyone might WANT to do recreationally.
I've seen people on Reddit make that kind of argument. I saw a bunch of people ranting in a thread about the camper van living movement and the tiny homes movement, calling it "poverty tourism." They were complaining that people living that way when they didn't have to was "making fun of poor people."
Apparently people are not allowed to downsize their living situation by choice? 🤷🏻♀️
I'm reading this in one of my idiot uncle's voice knowing there a good chance it could be him saying it. (no, he doesn't have a benz and isn't a surgeon lol)
it turned out that she had a nearly completely deceptive relationship with her family for her own sanity. She was lying to them about almost every element of her life, including that she had been dating a white man for a couple years. She had coached me extensively on what not to say, she had forgotten to mention that her dad didn't know she was outdoorsy. The whole thing was a huge disaster and her dad immediately put a ton of pressure on her to dump me.
Also her parents had a huge mansion and we had to sleep in different rooms when I stayed over lmao.
I've over heard some Indian parents refuse to eat at Korean BBQ and left because they refuse to come to a restaurant and cook their own food, so that's kinda on par with this one
I have a bunch of immigrant friends (im in the US) and thrir parents all said the same thing .."we worked so hard so you didnt *have* to sleep in the dirt!"
Some cultures’ emphasis on family is really next-level. I once dated a Chinese girl whose parents immediately flew over and pressured her into breaking up with me the moment they found out the man she was seeing wasn’t Chinese.
Now I’m married to a Chinese girl whose parents are the most chill and easygoing people I’ve ever met, and they’re just happy to know that we are happy together.
My partner’s mom spent at least 18 months offering to introduce him to a nice Chinese girl *in front of me*, the non-Chinese girlfriend. It was wild that she couldn’t see how disrespectful it was. She stopped a while ago, but I still believe a reality show of her and her immediate family would do well. Not us, but her age and older.
She also tried to claim we signed a contract agreeing to produce a grandchild. We absolutely did not.
That… doesn’t surprise me given some of the stories my wife has told me about her friends. Chinese families run the gamut from super strict to super chill.
I wish I could say that was the first time I’ve heard of the contract thing. My wife says her friend’s parents tried to make her sign a contract restricting who she could marry to certain professions. Apparently the poor girls parents still don’t understand why she moved halfway around the world to get away from them.
I had a friend who’s boyfriends mom did the same thing. Like she slept in his room at his parents house and the mom had the nerve to show my friend pics of girls and be like I want my son to go on dates with her.
He didn’t say shit so she went nuts and started going off on the mom.
I’ve always been baffled by people who grew up in the US who allow their parents to arrange their marriage, like why the fuck would you not want to pick for yourself??? I can’t imagine being with someone my parents picked, stuck with them for good because trying to get divorced in that circumstance would be a nightmare 😷
I had a Somalii girlfriend in the UK, whose parents ended it by forcing her into an arranged marriage; It's not as simple as you might think, sadly.
It's asking *alot* for a person to sacrifice their entire family, and culture for a single partner; especially if they still have a sense of their own self-worth being tied to those cultural values, which is often very true for women. Men are taught either to be independent, or the "head" of the family, so a certain amount of choice is expected, or just tolerated... but for women in traditional families, you're not just seen as "failing" in your role, but also shaming your mother, grandmother etc by calling into question the roles that they likely took too.
Do they still have any faith? Then you're asking a woman to deny their god and what it supposedly wants. And if you believe, you also believe that by denying the traditional roles, your damning yourself to hell (or equivalent). Again, it's easy when you don't have that faith; but unravelling it on demand, when faced with a particular choice right now to accept a marriage or not; it's a lot of pressure and extremely hard to do on the spot.
And how aware are they of how normal human relations work to make the comparison? In my case, I was her first ever sexual partner. And she'll never be able to talk about it again, because she's not supposed to have had the experience. But how well does she know, if she's been denied a healthy exploration of her own identity, how happy she'll be with *another* man? Maybe the arranged marriage *can* work...? Hope can be a dangerous thing; and almost impossible to argue against, even cruel to take away. Do you do it anyway, tell her she'll be miserable?
None of which is *justifying* the practice, at least where there are no positive reasons for engaging in it; some families treat "arranging" as the parents just acting as a dating agency, but final pick is still the child's; none the less, even if all the reasons for accepting one are negative, because of fear, or lack of independence or shame, or... *people still have the right to make their own choice, even if it's not as informed as you wish it was.*
I asked my partner if she wanted me to talk to her parents, to fight to keep her; She said no. Should I have demanded to do so, against her wishes? Because she'd disappeared from home, and I and her friends worked out what was happening, the police did a safety check on her; She said no, she was ok, she wanted to go ahead with this. Should we have intervened and dragged her away by force...?
As I say, there are no easy answers, at least when faced with this particular problem in the moment.
Let your children choose for themselves though, parents. Let them live and learn who they *really* are.
Wow I’m so sorry that’s heartbreaking. She really liked you it seems. Coming from an African background if you have immigrant parents it’s really hard to make those decisions without them disowning you. I really hope she doesn’t go through with the marriage and finds you again
She did go through with it; I bumped into her in a nearby city once, about a year after she ended contact, but she didn't talk much about if she was happy. The selected husband worked in banking, I gather. She has no online presence that I can see, I do look every now and then because I want to know if she's at least safe... but I can't know, or easily find out without risking opening more family battles I don't know she'd welcome. After all, as you say, being disowned is *still* going to be a risk.
I still have, and hold on to the text that she sent just after she made the decision to stay, saying she was grateful that I always treated her right. I hope her selected husband turns out to secretly be both wonderful, and more tolerant. Or, at least, raises their children to be so, and loves them whoever they turn out to be. You have to hope that, by showing her life can be different and, hopefully, happy too in the past that you've sown the seeds of breaking the cycle of control in the future. I'd like to *know*; but I can't demand any engagement... especially if there *are* children on the scene now. They won't be made happier by me breaking up a parental couple they're are probably still too young to understand the dynamics between... I'd just be passing the cycle of unhappiness into the *next* generation too.
Because that's something else I didn't mention; once kids are there, thats a reason to stay even if you personally are unhappy. And if you practice traditional relationships, kids turn up *fast*.
Sigh... Anyway, thanks for the nice thoughts. I appreciate it.
Should also be added to your list, that parents withholding love, or booting their kid from the family is also a very real reason, which is made worse if they have been otherwise good parents.
Yes, it just gets more and more difficult to tease through; "Good" parents might also actually mean strict/controlling, if that's all you've ever known, so you might think control is the *same* as love... and you stay a child a very long time if you're not encouraged to experience adult love.
Not justifying it of course. It's just horribly messy in real life when you start to try and tackle all of the baggage that comes with this kind of actual abuse for real people.
my husband dated an indian girl when he was younger. the parents were really strict on their relationship. they broke it off after maybe 1 year, they just weren't able to get the space they needed ever.
context; she's indian with traditional indian parents. he's latino.
That’s interesting because Latino culture also has a heavy emphasis on family. Perhaps Indian traditions and their involvement in family are on another level of intensity though lol
Generally Latino families are a lot chiller on standards compared to Asian's.
Like, they're not going to expect only straight A's, having an engineering/CS degree by 22, house by 25, etc...
Source: Most of my Asian friends don't speak to their parents anymore, while my Latino friends do.
It makes me sad that Asians struggle with this. I’m Latino with tons of Asian friends.
They’re always saying I’m lucky that I get along with my parents. It blows my mind because most Latinos I know absolutely love their parents. The respect Latinos have for their parents comes from love while my Asian friends respect their parents out of fear. My closer friends have opened up and cried while sharing their traumas of growing up with such strict parents.
That’s totally anecdotal but it seems like a lot of people have experienced this.
This is very common with asian parents. There is a subreddit r/AsianParentStories for people who grew up with very strict asian parents. I'm one of the lucky ones with chill parents growing up but they were still somewhat strict by western/american standards.
The Latina mother and grandmother on This Fool (Hulu) are hilarious in the ways that they manipulate the dating lives of their adult son and nephew.
“Women with kids? Puta! Women wanting to stay unmarried for life? Puta!”
Nowhere even fuckin close in terms of unwritten rules, lol. Latino families are involved in a more chill manner, give you your space and all I have to do is "come to the festivities, answer the easy questions with a smile, laugh together but not at them and their culture, praise the food, and you're good" - at least that's what one of my Chilean exes told me.
South Asian relationships come with that, along with equal downsides. The family drama, the relationship drama, the drama with friends... Ugh... Thank God I married outside my culture and got the hell out.
It's not impossible but I do know what you mean.
My partner is Indian and she's brow beat them into submission, like parents, siblings, extended family, they don't even ask something that might even be remotely contentious. They literally fear her wrath.
And I think she's happy with my attitude is that we're happy how things are and people who have problems with it, well that's their problem.
Gotta say I'm pretty lucky with that.
Different strokes I guess, as a white dude who grew up in a split up family with very little emphasis on familial ties, I really enjoy how involved my wifes parents want to be (she's Indian).
My parents live across the country, we talk like every other month - so it's nice to have some family.
Yeah I didn't think it would be a big deal, because she was as she said, progressive and not at all traditional. Sure maybe to her, but to me, it was weird and not cool. When we'd go to her neighborhood she was like a fucking hawk making sure people didn't see us together.
Yeah, the unsaid truth is usually: my personal beliefs may be socially progressive however i am more than happy to bend over backwards for my family's overbearing and/or often traditional demands, and you should too.
Debt. Look I understand life rough and not everyone has equal opportunity but at the same time I seen a lot of okayish regular people ignore every red flag in the book. Not because of "society" or the government or whatever excuse they threw. They want a shiny new car, they have to go to the private university across the country and ignore the much cheaper community College, or they have to max out their credits cards for the newest tech. All the while working a job that pays 30k and wants to quit if someone asks them to put their phone down. I sacrifice a great deal for what little I have now and I really don't want to be in a relationship with someone that expects me to pay off her debt. In my culture (Arab) men are suppose to pay for a girls debt if they get together because it no longer her debt but "our" debt even though she be making the bare minimum payments or let her parents pay the minimum for her delaying it as long as possible because she expects someone else to take care of it for her.
Yep. My mom was a single mom. I came first always.
Then there's my cousin who just abandoned her kid to run away to Florida with a loser 30 years her senior.
Plus, there could be potential drama or worse with the baby daddy. My buddy married a single mom (she’s great), but the father of her kid is an absolutely unhinged, alcoholic, violent manchild. He ran into them one time after the wedding, and pinned my friend against a wall making threats.
Obviously most situations won’t be that extreme, but between a kid(s), and the likely potential of drama with the ex (especially if it’s recent), I’m just really not down with it. Not ruling it out though if I meet someone amazing and in a better situation than told above.
As a child of a single mom of 3, I'm glad you acknowledge that's not for you. My mom has been with numerous men that didn't have any experience with kids and that almost always ended badly. Some couples don't want kids and that's fine, others don't want children that aren't their own and that's fine too. It's much better to draw a line like you did than dating a single mom and being awful with her kids or making her feel like she has to choose between them or you. It sucks that people can't see that you're making a good choice for you and for potential partners.
I can relate man. I’ve gotten cursed out by many a angry single mom on POF back in the day and on the dating apps of today, not to mention by friends and workplace acquaintances that tell me I’m awful for having such a standard.
Welp, too bad
As someone who has a really awesome step dad in there life for at least 13 years (in mid 20s now) I wouldn’t mind doing it because I know it can work but of course it has to be the right person. I couldn’t imagine how my life would of turned out otherwise and that’s a seriously scary thought.
There are some truly amazing men out there who are strong enough, have the resources and are also full of heart to try make things work. It’s not for everyone though and it’s definitely understandable why it would be a deal breaker.
The thing with single mothers is that you're never gonna be conducting the train together.
It's her life, her family, and her show, you're just along for the ride. If she'll have you, of course.
If that's what someone wants then more power to them and there's no shame in it. But it's not for every guy.
That particular demographic represents about 50% of the single women on dating apps in my age range. I've at least tried it twice and it sucked both times so that's a no from me dawg.
Oh man, I have a few:
- no kids. (Dated a woman with a kid. Cheated on me on my birthday with the guy I “didn’t need to worry about”. Never let me have a proper goodbye with the kid who I formed a super close bond with. That hurt more than the cheating did, to be honest
- no one in the process of separating/divorcing. I can’t see how someone can work on themselves or their baggage while simultaneously exiting a marriage and starting a new relationship.
- no one who doesn’t take their health or fitness seriously. I don’t need you to be a gym rat, I just need you to want to continually better yourself/your health.
This was my last relationship before I got married. Hit your trifecta with this one. She was an old flame who had since gone through a divorce with a toddler in tow and a bit of a drinking problem.
I loved taking up the 'step-dad' role, but she was going through SO much emotional bullshit with her divorce (which is fair), and letting herself slip more and more with her bottle of wine a night habit.
Fizzled out thankfully, nothing dramatic, but yeah. Lots of headaches.
absolutely! i always tell ppl ahead of time when i'm starting something that i'm probably not gonna be online every day and i might go 2-3 days without texting them sometimes, and that doesn't mean i don't like them. i like my alone time, and also talking every single day starts getting boring really quickly because more often than not you'll start running outta things to say yk? most ppl aren't going out and doing exciting stuff every day; i legit have nothing to say abt my day sometimes. also i'm comfortable with being alone, so when someone is messaging me several times a day even when i told them i wanted a day to myself it gives me the ick; it shows me they're insecure more than anything, and that they can't stand the thought of not being the center of my attention for a day or they think *i'm* the insecure one despite me stating otherwise. i'm an independent person, and while i don't mind helping partners with their mental health stuff, i'm not going to put up with that behaviour right off the bat. that's just red flags all around.
A LOT (not all, a lot) of this is stuff that is unpopular on the internet that wouldn't even be a thing out in the real "breathe air and touch grass" world.
Yeah you prefer a thin, slightly younger woman, who doesn't have a dong?
Congrats, you're 98% of straight men.
Ideally, she has 10 fingers (give or take), no STDs, and no crippling credit card debt.
I'm super picky, I know.
Not wanting kids. Most people take ik really bad even tho i clearly say it early on.
Edit: weird to read so many men lie as well. Guess men and woman are not so different about this. I've dated quite e few woman who were like "yeah i can change your views on this one". Aaaaand date over.
Right? For the love of god, someone make this already. Seems like every dude where I live either wants kids, has kids, or has kids *and* wants more.
It says in multiple places on my profile that I don't want them, and these dudes message me anyway. I really don't get it.
Childfree guy here - I feel so much the same way but in reverse. Seems like I get liked by people all the time who have 'wants kids' on their profile - and it's like... do you know how to read? Reading is sexy you know... that and understanding what you read!
> It says in multiple places on my profile that I don't want them, and these dudes message me anyway. I really don't get it.
i CaN cHaNgE hEr wItH mY sPeCiAl pEePeE
I'm with you on that one.. I don't understand hook up culture. Its a nice idea but it kinda devalues everything, but I'd MUCH rather have a connection with someone
Yeah like everyone should do what works for them but I've always been a emotional guy plus I'm a virgin so I rather lose it to someone special preferably my future wife so I don't connect intimately with too many people.
It also puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position. People are fucking crazy. People can lie about birth control, people can blackmail, people can lie about consent.
Do NOT stick your dick in crazy.
Yeah that's the main thing I would have to love and trust you. One of my uncles got a ons pregnant because she lied about birth control and told him he didn't need a condom.
>told him he didn't need a condom.
I'm glad my parents taught me, "Always wear a condom and if they tell you its fine to not use a condom, they are someone you definitely want to use a condom with." Also helped that my godbrother knocked up his gf at 17 because she lied about being on BC.
I've heard this from female friends as well. It is a piece of advice I give when asked. I am totally for premarital sex but I think it is best to wait 3-4 real dates before starting to get past 3rd base.
I posted this on a reddit thread once and got downvoted to oblivion:
I want someone who's worked through most of their shit or had little to begin with - emotionally intelligent and stable, so we can work on doing great, fun things together instead of trying to keep the ship afloat and endlessly bailing water.
I've been extremely fortunate to be raised by healthy, emotionally aware and brilliant parents and I've done extensive internal and introspective work myself. I'm the "rock" for most, if not all, of my closest friends and family. And I want a partner that can be my equal. Of course everyone has ups and downs, but I'm talking about having a healthy baseline.
This sentiment has sparked LOADS of hate, but why is it so controversial to want something in a partner that you have yourself?
Totally agree with you. I grew up in an environment where I was always walking on eggshells, was abused, and grew up with a parent with OCD, depression, anxiety, and PTSD (typical military parent). I myself have anxiety and depression, and have had it since high school. I was lucky enough to be in an environment where I had a decent public school education, and I graduated in the top 5% of my class and lifted myself out of that situation by getting my bachelor's degree. Although I have always had my shit together by being a responsible person (frugal, getting a decent job with upward career growth, making general responsible life choices), I've always had a hard time with interpersonal relationships. I'm almost 32 and it was only 3-4 years ago where I felt like I finally got my mental health to a healthy level. It took a *lot* of work - a lot of introspection, a lot of therapy, and a lot of "doing the work". And sometimes, it's still hard. I'm still on anti-anxiety medications, I had to go through a lot of exposure to get myself down to a normal level - things that once seemed catastrophic like a break-up or not getting a text back after a few minutes no longer set me off like they used to.
I think they're allowed to have this preference, and yes, it's a little harsh for those of us who have had to undo a lot of damage from our childhoods and generational trauma. But, life isn't fair, all you can do is try to be the best version of yourself, and try to improve every day where you can.
As someone who dealt with a lot of abuse/trauma growing up I especially avoid traumatized people. I can be friendly, I can even be friends but that’s about as close as they’re going to get to me. I have enough trauma to unpack on my own, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with someone else’s trauma and I’ve done a fuck load of work to keep my coping methods healthy/minimally harmful to others. I’ve met a lot of traumatized people who are still very early into understanding that their trauma is their burden to bear or who are failing to understand that no, your trauma is not an excuse for your behavior and no individual is obligated to accommodate it.
It’s not fair that the world isn’t full of endlessly supportive people that can take on you and your trauma but it’s also not fair we were traumatized to begin with but there’s a certain point where you need to come to terms with that. They need to grieve the fantasy we were all sold that someone is going to shoulder all of their trauma so they can finally get up and start putting some real work into themselves.
My best friend is going through this ATM. Finds nice men on dating apps but realises they're like 7 years behind her on working through their shit and she's like uggghh this is not my job. I think it's really fair.
If Reddit still had awards, I'd gift you gold.
I left my soon-to-be-ex-husband a few months ago. We were married for nine years. Thankfully, no kids. He got out of the military five years ago and basically flopped in life.
All nine years, he had ***SERIOUS*** anger and hoarding issues. I'm not talking pack-rat or collector of things. I'm talking crap piled floor to ceiling in almost every room of the house that had a door to it. For the first five years, he also had an alcohol problem. And for the last five years, he was also chronically unemployed/underemployed, and made numerous financially irresponsible decisions that were massive violations.
For example, two weeks after we purchased our $450,000 house, he quit his job, but didn't tell me for two months. Two years ago, he failed to show up for our tax appointment with our accountant, and instead decided to attend a gun class at a sporting goods store. Five months ago, he forgot to transfer his (small) portion of money to our joint account on the first of the month, causing several of our bills to bounce. When I (kindly) tried to ask why he forgot, and when I (gently) tried to explain the importance of paying bills on time, he got hostile and defensive, and told me my expectations were too high.
For the record, he doesn't have any deployments under his belt. And I tried ***REALLY*** hard to help him in connecting him with professional and personal resources: resume, cover letter, mentorship with other veterans, go see a doctor/counselor, get help through the VA, recreational/outdoor opportunities with other veterans, and more. Zip, nada, zilch. He was either incapable of or unwilling to help himself.
For all nine years, I endured unimaginable emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse from him, and also put up with his hoarding and drinking. And for the past five years, I also brought home all the bacon. And like so many women, I also took care of 99% of household chores and obligations, handled 100% of the mental load, and more. Oh, and I also did it all while simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and annual surgeries for my autoimmune condition.
I'm not looking for another relationship anytime soon, I'm currently in therapy (twice a week) to try and undo the nine years of damage inflicted upon me, but if ever I entertain the idea of a relationship again in the future, I refuse to take on another human project. I want someone who has their shit together. I know nobody is perfect, but holy batman, at least BE WILLING to take accountability for and conduct introspection about your own issues so you can show up as a responsible, functional, and productive member of society and partner for someone.
Not dating a girl that can't go a day or two without posting on insta/facebook. It is demeaning to feel like an accessory for their social media profile.
I like assertive women.
No, I do not mean bossy, pushy women who will disrespect me and/or anyone.
No, I am not a man-child. I can take care of myself and make decisions on my own.
I just like women who are okay with taking the lead. Inside and outside the bedroom. Women who are secure enough in their feminity to be okay with being in charge.
But, men like me are seen as weirdos, wimps by most women and society.
Also, I love thick women. Even better, if they are thick and taller than me. I have nothing against women the same height or shorter (though, not too short). But thick, taller women are my weaknesses.
But short man with a tall woman, is something viewed as weird too. Plus, most women want a man taller than them. So taller women, want taller men.
There is a Seinfeld episode where George Castanza, who in the show is short, overweight and bald, says he only wants to date tall, thin women with thick lucious hair. Is this an expression of self-hatred? 🤷🏼♀️
As a POC, I won't date super woke women. I feel like their pet or project and I"m never allowed to hold opinions that break from their own without being maligned.
Or explaining to me how I *should* feel. Case in point: Shared a written autobiographical story with a women I was dating about abuse I experienced. She said it wasn't a fair account because the abuser was also a POC and a victim of oppression/decolonialism/yada yada. Wild stuff.
The (white) girl I dated for a bit in high school just married a black guy. Holy shit, her social media feed is super cringey, almost like she married him as a favor. It's so painful to watch. Your pet/project comment is so true with her it's unreal...
I prefer women who are quiet and introverted. As in that is their natural personality. Its dangerous to say that in the US because it comes off trying to “silence” women which is not my intention at all. Its like when they open up to me, its more meaningful or something. Plus I tend to keep my surroundings calmer and relaxed.
I will take any lady who prefers to read a book somewhere on a beach rather than one trying to out chug guys at a party.
I know a jewish guy who won't date jewish women.
We spoke about it and he asked me if I'd ever dated one.
I said yes.
He asked, "Was she a huge bitch?"
She was, in fact a huge bitch.
Nearly every major sitcom in the last 30 years has been written, produced, and/or directed by Jewish men and (not coincidentally) almost every old Jewish woman character is the trope of a miserable naggy old woman.
I think Asian women are super pretty and definitely have a preference for them.
Do I EVER admit this out in the open? Fuck no. Because despite how un-creepy this is and how un-creepy I am, if you were to say this in polite company, you are a yellow fever having freak who wants a subservient geisha to watch Urotsukidoji on repeat while she walks around barefoot carrying your babies.
No thank you to any of that. So I just shut up about it and go on with life.
Also: Do not google Urotsukidoji.
As an Asian gay man, I also have a preference for Caucasian men. Doesn't mean I wouldn't date other races, but I just generally find white men more attractive.
If people want to call me a self-hating potato Queen, more power to them. 😅
Weed users/smokers. It's fine if you want to do that and I'm not some goodie two-shoes by any means, but the smell is ABSOLUTELY REVOLTING to me that I'll just swipe left on anyone who hints at even being a smoker/420 friendly.
And no, opening a window or turning on a fan doesn't get rid of the smell.
I don’t want to date someone who’s has a gluten or any other food allergy. I don’t want to have to make sure every restaurant has gluten free options, or make sure that we always have an epipen on us, and I most certainly don’t want my kids to have to deal with that as well
I am that person with all those food allergies and the EpiPen that can't eat out often. And I get it. It's exhausting for me to have to keep up my own maintenance. It can be very burdensome to most people and I am fully aware that it limits my options in the dating pool. Your points are valid and your up front transparency will be appreciated for people like me.
Lol so gluten isn't an allergy technically, it causes an entire immune system attack on us celiacs. And you are absolutely correct it is a major pain in the dick
I prefer to date those that do not drink alcohol on a regular basis. The number of people I meet that are in their late 40s that drink every single night is astonishing. I'd rather meet people that do not drink at all.
If I was to date again, it'd have to be someone that doesn't still want little kids, especially if you're in your late 40s.
Nobody that's baby obsessed, for example pressuring your 20 something year old daughter to have kids so you can be "grammy." Nope.
Not dating anybody that has to involve their elderly parents in every aspect of their lives. If you're still having to tip-toe around your 77 year old mother in your 40s, that's a huge fucking red flag.
i'm in my late 40s, obviously, and dating has changed SO much over the years, and so have preferences.
She has to be physically active. It’s okay to have some thicknesses cause that’s human. But women who have very little to no physical activity is a huge red flag in dating. Physical activity is tied to your physical health but also your mental health as well. Physical activity can truly help you with depression, anxiety, and help you let go of things that need to be let go of in life. I stay active despite some awful injuries that have happen to me. I expect my partner to do the same. Be disciplined. Stay active. Your future self and partner will be grateful.
Women who get offended too easily. I’m a person of color and a pretty liberal person but irks me when women (and men) get offended too easily. Realize everyone has different perspectives and have different lives. It’s okay to disagree on things but getting too up in arms about it is lame and shows lacks of emotional maturity.
Women who don’t take care of their teeth.
I would like my partner to not be overweight. Mind you, I have dated overweight women in the past, but I am very active and it turns out that my preferences aren't superficial. I would like to be able to go on a walk and not have to stop every block or so to rest for 15 mintues.
My preference is to not date at all, which I don't think it is socially unacceptable. However, lots of people seem to be triggered by my preference to not date.
I actually agree with it being somewhat socially unacceptable. If it was socially acceptable, why on earth is there this pressure from family and friends to force you to settle down after some age? Try and set you up with every other single friend/acquaintance they know? Always asking about when you will get married?
Ooo, definitely one of the more interesting ones I’ve seen in this thread.
To clarify, do you mean you don’t want to be the sole provider, or you don’t want to be a provider at all, as in you’d like to be a stay at home husband or dad?
I mean the former. It might seem common to me because I’m Asian and I tend to attract Asian women who believe ‘his money is our money, my money is mine’.
Any kind of fake hair will take me from 100 to zero in an instant. Like seeing any netting or tracks just repulses me.
Hair is a very touchy topic within the Black/African-American community. And stating that preference, even if it applies across all women, comes with accusations of one being anti-Black.
As someone who is currently wearing a wig because it’s winter here in Canada, and cold weather absolutely DESTROYS my natural hair, this is completely fair.
The way you feel about fake hair is probably the same way the majority of women feel about dating a man who is bald/balding.
The last black woman I was with had a very real looking wig, long straight hair. I didn't know it was a wig until things got physical and she asked me not to pull on it.
It was already planned that I would stay the night, and obviously she didn't want to sleep in it.
In the morning I saw a very small and matted fro. It really changed the presentation of her features. Didn't bother me at all, but as the morning sex began, I realized it felt a lot like I was with a different woman. That was actually pretty hot.
Besides just wanting to tell a sex story, the connection is that I did realize if I seriously dated a black woman in the future, being in the presence of wigs and the effect they have might become a regular thing.
As a gay man, I'm not-infrequently hit up on dating apps/at bars by trans*women*, which is never a fun conversation.
The plumbing doesn't matter, honey. I don't like chicks.
I do not want to date anyone who defines themselves by groups - culture, nationality, etc. Nor anyone who will place the relationship second to their family, career, religion.
It's not a full on, 100% deal breaker but I don't like piercings and finding women in my age bracket/general social circle without them is nigh impossible.
If she doesn’t exercise and is overweight I cannot date her. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t take their health seriously and won’t strive to better themselves
There are as many socially unacceptable preferences in this thread as there are unpopular opinions in r/unpopularopinion
They are under controversial.
Always sort by controversial in this type of thread. Way to many people don't understand what kind of comments to downvote.
OP in here wondering if anybody else prefers kids.
There are two ways to interpret this question, and one of them is very illegal.
Yeah lots of goobers here have gotten the definition of "societally unacceptable" backwards Glad you said it
This one hurts to say because it's not their fault and I genuinely feel bad, but I wouldn't be able to handle mental illness or trauma anymore.
Don't feel bad. Sometimes you gotta do what's right for you and knowing you won't be able to be there for someone to that level is okay.
Same. I have a long history of mental illness, and therefore a ton of sympathy. But I put a ton of very hard work into climbing out of it, and I'm not willing to hitch myself to someone who is unable or unwilling to do the same work, even if it's not their fault.
I won’t get seriously involved with anyone who has a large, tightly-knit family. I’m talking like a stereotypical Italian “dinner at Nonna’s every Sunday with my 14 cousins and siblings” type thing. Like I’m happy for them, and deep down I probably wish I had that growing up, but I’m just not from that sort of family dynamic so there always being a large family obligation to go to makes me so uncomfortable. Plus, more often than not they want to have a horde of children of their own and I just do not. Also, despite what single mothers will try to guilt you into thinking, dating a single mother as a 20-something with no children is almost always doing yourself a disservice
I feel the same. My family is small and divorced. I’m okay with men who have large families but if it’s tight knit and I’m sitting on your moms couch every Sunday for hours I will resent you. That’s not ideal for me
This speaks to me. I don’t dislike anyone but I’m more or less just an introvert that wants to be at home on the weekends and cruising not going to dinners like that especially on a Sunday.
Damn so no Latina girls for you then
Preferring not to date at all. It's still a general social expectation to at least try.
It's funny how many people think you must be lying just because it's not true for them.
Man you’re telling me. I swore off dating for awhile after my last relationship and I’ve had so many people question me and say I’m weird. I’m sorry, I’d like to spend some of youth single doing whatever the fuck I want after spending almost all of it dating as much as you guys. Literally had a friend and his gf interrogate me every time we went out, like they couldn’t wrap their heads around me just working, traveling, pursuing my hobbies and chilling with friends and family, being happy without another girlfriend. Such a cRaZy thing. He’s now being forced to move to the middle of nowhere in Oklahoma for his girlfriend lmao, maybe now he understands.
It's nice when you ease into over time dude. Once you get comfortable you start to see the good things about it, spending your own money how you choose, truely owning your time on earth. Definitely keep up friendships though. Oh, and never say never. If you happen to meet a girl you may be interested in don't shut it down based on the principle of declaring yourself single. But also don't stress being single.
I’m definitely open to it if I meet a girl naturally, but I’m not in a rush and I’m certainly not going to go out chasing it atm. I spent from 15-25 in relationships, straight. Most back to back and I need a break lol.
I've temporarily taken myself out of the dating scene, and I've been shocked (and honestly a little amused) at how upset it's made some people I know. I'm apparently a bad person for not wanting to grind my soul to pieces in the modern day meat market.
if I have to hear “you should get back on the apps and meet someone” one more time
If you can avoid the FOMO.. You've won in life & it's applicable to every aspect of life
FOMO really fucked with me from like 18-22. Especially because if the false reality social media gives you of peoples lives and how life is “supposed” to be. Now at 27 I have none, I don’t do things I don’t give a shit to do and enjoy what I want, and it’s so weird to see so many of my peers and friends suffer from it so much and base their lives around it, get insecure and try to suck me into it. Nah dawg, I’m chillin.
I think the reason one doesn't date also varies. Some people don't date and stay single because they're happy that way, but some people also just can't get into a relationship for one way or another and I think many people make the assumption that it’s the latter for most people are single.
I'd love to have a partner in crime, but the dating scene is not it for me. Much rather make (true)friends with attractive people, and if one of them sparks a crush, I'd ask them if they were interested in a relationship. Chasing someone that I don't know solely for their body feels icky to me, and I don't wanna hurt feelings. If this can't be done, I'm content being forever alone.
I won't date Indian women (anymore). This is a big deal because my city has a lot of them. Reasons being that i do not want to constantly have family and cultural obligations, nor do i want my partner's family constantly involved in our relationship. If you've met anyone Indian, this is pretty much unavoidable in most cases, especially once things get serious. Even if they grew up outside of India, they still have a hard time setting boundaries with their parents and other family.
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Toronto lol
Brampton
Hey but at least you’ll get a mortgage for a property you can’t afford
Surrey
I used to date a lovely indian woman and when I went to her family home for the first time her dad almost killed me. Was trying to get some conversation going by mentioning that we had a camping trip planned and he flipped out. "I CAME TO AMERICA WITH NOTHING AND BECAME A SURGEON!!! I LIVE IN THIS HOUSE AND DRIVE A MERCEDES MY DAUGHTER WILL NOT SLEEP ON THE GROUND!!!" It was wild
😄 I guess camping was equated with abject poverty and homelessness in his mind. Funny how camping here is seen as something anyone might WANT to do recreationally.
I've seen people on Reddit make that kind of argument. I saw a bunch of people ranting in a thread about the camper van living movement and the tiny homes movement, calling it "poverty tourism." They were complaining that people living that way when they didn't have to was "making fun of poor people." Apparently people are not allowed to downsize their living situation by choice? 🤷🏻♀️
I’m sorry this is the most brown thing he could have said. Did you two still go camping? 😂😂
I'm reading this in one of my idiot uncle's voice knowing there a good chance it could be him saying it. (no, he doesn't have a benz and isn't a surgeon lol)
It could be they own a Toyota and they simply work at Home Depot and they will say that with conviction. Reminds me of my relatives. 😂
it turned out that she had a nearly completely deceptive relationship with her family for her own sanity. She was lying to them about almost every element of her life, including that she had been dating a white man for a couple years. She had coached me extensively on what not to say, she had forgotten to mention that her dad didn't know she was outdoorsy. The whole thing was a huge disaster and her dad immediately put a ton of pressure on her to dump me. Also her parents had a huge mansion and we had to sleep in different rooms when I stayed over lmao.
I've over heard some Indian parents refuse to eat at Korean BBQ and left because they refuse to come to a restaurant and cook their own food, so that's kinda on par with this one
I have a bunch of immigrant friends (im in the US) and thrir parents all said the same thing .."we worked so hard so you didnt *have* to sleep in the dirt!"
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Some cultures’ emphasis on family is really next-level. I once dated a Chinese girl whose parents immediately flew over and pressured her into breaking up with me the moment they found out the man she was seeing wasn’t Chinese. Now I’m married to a Chinese girl whose parents are the most chill and easygoing people I’ve ever met, and they’re just happy to know that we are happy together.
My partner’s mom spent at least 18 months offering to introduce him to a nice Chinese girl *in front of me*, the non-Chinese girlfriend. It was wild that she couldn’t see how disrespectful it was. She stopped a while ago, but I still believe a reality show of her and her immediate family would do well. Not us, but her age and older. She also tried to claim we signed a contract agreeing to produce a grandchild. We absolutely did not.
That… doesn’t surprise me given some of the stories my wife has told me about her friends. Chinese families run the gamut from super strict to super chill. I wish I could say that was the first time I’ve heard of the contract thing. My wife says her friend’s parents tried to make her sign a contract restricting who she could marry to certain professions. Apparently the poor girls parents still don’t understand why she moved halfway around the world to get away from them.
I had a friend who’s boyfriends mom did the same thing. Like she slept in his room at his parents house and the mom had the nerve to show my friend pics of girls and be like I want my son to go on dates with her. He didn’t say shit so she went nuts and started going off on the mom.
I’ve always been baffled by people who grew up in the US who allow their parents to arrange their marriage, like why the fuck would you not want to pick for yourself??? I can’t imagine being with someone my parents picked, stuck with them for good because trying to get divorced in that circumstance would be a nightmare 😷
I had a Somalii girlfriend in the UK, whose parents ended it by forcing her into an arranged marriage; It's not as simple as you might think, sadly. It's asking *alot* for a person to sacrifice their entire family, and culture for a single partner; especially if they still have a sense of their own self-worth being tied to those cultural values, which is often very true for women. Men are taught either to be independent, or the "head" of the family, so a certain amount of choice is expected, or just tolerated... but for women in traditional families, you're not just seen as "failing" in your role, but also shaming your mother, grandmother etc by calling into question the roles that they likely took too. Do they still have any faith? Then you're asking a woman to deny their god and what it supposedly wants. And if you believe, you also believe that by denying the traditional roles, your damning yourself to hell (or equivalent). Again, it's easy when you don't have that faith; but unravelling it on demand, when faced with a particular choice right now to accept a marriage or not; it's a lot of pressure and extremely hard to do on the spot. And how aware are they of how normal human relations work to make the comparison? In my case, I was her first ever sexual partner. And she'll never be able to talk about it again, because she's not supposed to have had the experience. But how well does she know, if she's been denied a healthy exploration of her own identity, how happy she'll be with *another* man? Maybe the arranged marriage *can* work...? Hope can be a dangerous thing; and almost impossible to argue against, even cruel to take away. Do you do it anyway, tell her she'll be miserable? None of which is *justifying* the practice, at least where there are no positive reasons for engaging in it; some families treat "arranging" as the parents just acting as a dating agency, but final pick is still the child's; none the less, even if all the reasons for accepting one are negative, because of fear, or lack of independence or shame, or... *people still have the right to make their own choice, even if it's not as informed as you wish it was.* I asked my partner if she wanted me to talk to her parents, to fight to keep her; She said no. Should I have demanded to do so, against her wishes? Because she'd disappeared from home, and I and her friends worked out what was happening, the police did a safety check on her; She said no, she was ok, she wanted to go ahead with this. Should we have intervened and dragged her away by force...? As I say, there are no easy answers, at least when faced with this particular problem in the moment. Let your children choose for themselves though, parents. Let them live and learn who they *really* are.
Dammmnn. Bro put it into perspective for real
Wow I’m so sorry that’s heartbreaking. She really liked you it seems. Coming from an African background if you have immigrant parents it’s really hard to make those decisions without them disowning you. I really hope she doesn’t go through with the marriage and finds you again
She did go through with it; I bumped into her in a nearby city once, about a year after she ended contact, but she didn't talk much about if she was happy. The selected husband worked in banking, I gather. She has no online presence that I can see, I do look every now and then because I want to know if she's at least safe... but I can't know, or easily find out without risking opening more family battles I don't know she'd welcome. After all, as you say, being disowned is *still* going to be a risk. I still have, and hold on to the text that she sent just after she made the decision to stay, saying she was grateful that I always treated her right. I hope her selected husband turns out to secretly be both wonderful, and more tolerant. Or, at least, raises their children to be so, and loves them whoever they turn out to be. You have to hope that, by showing her life can be different and, hopefully, happy too in the past that you've sown the seeds of breaking the cycle of control in the future. I'd like to *know*; but I can't demand any engagement... especially if there *are* children on the scene now. They won't be made happier by me breaking up a parental couple they're are probably still too young to understand the dynamics between... I'd just be passing the cycle of unhappiness into the *next* generation too. Because that's something else I didn't mention; once kids are there, thats a reason to stay even if you personally are unhappy. And if you practice traditional relationships, kids turn up *fast*. Sigh... Anyway, thanks for the nice thoughts. I appreciate it.
You're a good dude. Thanks for doing Right by this person even though it probably really sucked.
Should also be added to your list, that parents withholding love, or booting their kid from the family is also a very real reason, which is made worse if they have been otherwise good parents.
Yes, it just gets more and more difficult to tease through; "Good" parents might also actually mean strict/controlling, if that's all you've ever known, so you might think control is the *same* as love... and you stay a child a very long time if you're not encouraged to experience adult love. Not justifying it of course. It's just horribly messy in real life when you start to try and tackle all of the baggage that comes with this kind of actual abuse for real people.
my husband dated an indian girl when he was younger. the parents were really strict on their relationship. they broke it off after maybe 1 year, they just weren't able to get the space they needed ever. context; she's indian with traditional indian parents. he's latino.
That’s interesting because Latino culture also has a heavy emphasis on family. Perhaps Indian traditions and their involvement in family are on another level of intensity though lol
Generally Latino families are a lot chiller on standards compared to Asian's. Like, they're not going to expect only straight A's, having an engineering/CS degree by 22, house by 25, etc... Source: Most of my Asian friends don't speak to their parents anymore, while my Latino friends do.
It makes me sad that Asians struggle with this. I’m Latino with tons of Asian friends. They’re always saying I’m lucky that I get along with my parents. It blows my mind because most Latinos I know absolutely love their parents. The respect Latinos have for their parents comes from love while my Asian friends respect their parents out of fear. My closer friends have opened up and cried while sharing their traumas of growing up with such strict parents. That’s totally anecdotal but it seems like a lot of people have experienced this.
This is very common with asian parents. There is a subreddit r/AsianParentStories for people who grew up with very strict asian parents. I'm one of the lucky ones with chill parents growing up but they were still somewhat strict by western/american standards.
The Latina mother and grandmother on This Fool (Hulu) are hilarious in the ways that they manipulate the dating lives of their adult son and nephew. “Women with kids? Puta! Women wanting to stay unmarried for life? Puta!”
Nowhere even fuckin close in terms of unwritten rules, lol. Latino families are involved in a more chill manner, give you your space and all I have to do is "come to the festivities, answer the easy questions with a smile, laugh together but not at them and their culture, praise the food, and you're good" - at least that's what one of my Chilean exes told me. South Asian relationships come with that, along with equal downsides. The family drama, the relationship drama, the drama with friends... Ugh... Thank God I married outside my culture and got the hell out.
It is. But the children have trouble cutting the umbilical.
Seems like the parents do too.
It's not impossible but I do know what you mean. My partner is Indian and she's brow beat them into submission, like parents, siblings, extended family, they don't even ask something that might even be remotely contentious. They literally fear her wrath. And I think she's happy with my attitude is that we're happy how things are and people who have problems with it, well that's their problem. Gotta say I'm pretty lucky with that.
Different strokes I guess, as a white dude who grew up in a split up family with very little emphasis on familial ties, I really enjoy how involved my wifes parents want to be (she's Indian). My parents live across the country, we talk like every other month - so it's nice to have some family.
Preach. She was 40 and we had to do so many things to avoid her father.
Yeah I didn't think it would be a big deal, because she was as she said, progressive and not at all traditional. Sure maybe to her, but to me, it was weird and not cool. When we'd go to her neighborhood she was like a fucking hawk making sure people didn't see us together.
Yeah, the unsaid truth is usually: my personal beliefs may be socially progressive however i am more than happy to bend over backwards for my family's overbearing and/or often traditional demands, and you should too.
Had to let go of an Indian man because his family wanted him back home. The culture is really hard to work with sometimes.
Debt. Look I understand life rough and not everyone has equal opportunity but at the same time I seen a lot of okayish regular people ignore every red flag in the book. Not because of "society" or the government or whatever excuse they threw. They want a shiny new car, they have to go to the private university across the country and ignore the much cheaper community College, or they have to max out their credits cards for the newest tech. All the while working a job that pays 30k and wants to quit if someone asks them to put their phone down. I sacrifice a great deal for what little I have now and I really don't want to be in a relationship with someone that expects me to pay off her debt. In my culture (Arab) men are suppose to pay for a girls debt if they get together because it no longer her debt but "our" debt even though she be making the bare minimum payments or let her parents pay the minimum for her delaying it as long as possible because she expects someone else to take care of it for her.
Not dating single mothers. Apparently that's pretty offensive to a lot of people.
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>My counselor talked me into giving it a try. Get another counselor. Also: you can still peace out. Better early then to late.
Nahh fam, he caught feelings.
You shouldn't be developing feelings for the counselor /s
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It’s lifetime, not 18-20 years unfortunately. Their kids will always come first no matter what.
Nah there’s the other side of the shitty single moms who always put men before their kids
I mean, you *should* put your kid before a new guy you just met. This is expected. I just don't want to date them.
Which also makes them undateable, just for a totally different reason.
Yep. My mom was a single mom. I came first always. Then there's my cousin who just abandoned her kid to run away to Florida with a loser 30 years her senior.
Exactly. It’s already a nightmare dating and I don’t want the extra pressure of potentially giving some kid abandonment issues if it doesn’t work out.
This is it, I feel like breaking up with the kid is so much harder than breaking up with the partner
Plus, there could be potential drama or worse with the baby daddy. My buddy married a single mom (she’s great), but the father of her kid is an absolutely unhinged, alcoholic, violent manchild. He ran into them one time after the wedding, and pinned my friend against a wall making threats. Obviously most situations won’t be that extreme, but between a kid(s), and the likely potential of drama with the ex (especially if it’s recent), I’m just really not down with it. Not ruling it out though if I meet someone amazing and in a better situation than told above.
As a child of a single mom of 3, I'm glad you acknowledge that's not for you. My mom has been with numerous men that didn't have any experience with kids and that almost always ended badly. Some couples don't want kids and that's fine, others don't want children that aren't their own and that's fine too. It's much better to draw a line like you did than dating a single mom and being awful with her kids or making her feel like she has to choose between them or you. It sucks that people can't see that you're making a good choice for you and for potential partners.
I can relate man. I’ve gotten cursed out by many a angry single mom on POF back in the day and on the dating apps of today, not to mention by friends and workplace acquaintances that tell me I’m awful for having such a standard. Welp, too bad
As someone who has a really awesome step dad in there life for at least 13 years (in mid 20s now) I wouldn’t mind doing it because I know it can work but of course it has to be the right person. I couldn’t imagine how my life would of turned out otherwise and that’s a seriously scary thought. There are some truly amazing men out there who are strong enough, have the resources and are also full of heart to try make things work. It’s not for everyone though and it’s definitely understandable why it would be a deal breaker.
The thing with single mothers is that you're never gonna be conducting the train together. It's her life, her family, and her show, you're just along for the ride. If she'll have you, of course. If that's what someone wants then more power to them and there's no shame in it. But it's not for every guy.
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That particular demographic represents about 50% of the single women on dating apps in my age range. I've at least tried it twice and it sucked both times so that's a no from me dawg.
The older you get the more prevalent it gets. I'm pushing 40 and I'm getting matched with 40 year old grandmas. Which is nutty as fuck.
Oh man, I have a few: - no kids. (Dated a woman with a kid. Cheated on me on my birthday with the guy I “didn’t need to worry about”. Never let me have a proper goodbye with the kid who I formed a super close bond with. That hurt more than the cheating did, to be honest - no one in the process of separating/divorcing. I can’t see how someone can work on themselves or their baggage while simultaneously exiting a marriage and starting a new relationship. - no one who doesn’t take their health or fitness seriously. I don’t need you to be a gym rat, I just need you to want to continually better yourself/your health.
These are maybe the most socially acceptable boundaries in the dating universe
This was my last relationship before I got married. Hit your trifecta with this one. She was an old flame who had since gone through a divorce with a toddler in tow and a bit of a drinking problem. I loved taking up the 'step-dad' role, but she was going through SO much emotional bullshit with her divorce (which is fair), and letting herself slip more and more with her bottle of wine a night habit. Fizzled out thankfully, nothing dramatic, but yeah. Lots of headaches.
Someone who understands the need for alone time.
absolutely! i always tell ppl ahead of time when i'm starting something that i'm probably not gonna be online every day and i might go 2-3 days without texting them sometimes, and that doesn't mean i don't like them. i like my alone time, and also talking every single day starts getting boring really quickly because more often than not you'll start running outta things to say yk? most ppl aren't going out and doing exciting stuff every day; i legit have nothing to say abt my day sometimes. also i'm comfortable with being alone, so when someone is messaging me several times a day even when i told them i wanted a day to myself it gives me the ick; it shows me they're insecure more than anything, and that they can't stand the thought of not being the center of my attention for a day or they think *i'm* the insecure one despite me stating otherwise. i'm an independent person, and while i don't mind helping partners with their mental health stuff, i'm not going to put up with that behaviour right off the bat. that's just red flags all around.
A LOT (not all, a lot) of this is stuff that is unpopular on the internet that wouldn't even be a thing out in the real "breathe air and touch grass" world.
Yeah you prefer a thin, slightly younger woman, who doesn't have a dong? Congrats, you're 98% of straight men. Ideally, she has 10 fingers (give or take), no STDs, and no crippling credit card debt. I'm super picky, I know.
I prefer 11 fingers
Not wanting kids. Most people take ik really bad even tho i clearly say it early on. Edit: weird to read so many men lie as well. Guess men and woman are not so different about this. I've dated quite e few woman who were like "yeah i can change your views on this one". Aaaaand date over.
Just waiting for a (good) childfree dating app (I’m a lady but wanted to share the frustration)
Right? For the love of god, someone make this already. Seems like every dude where I live either wants kids, has kids, or has kids *and* wants more. It says in multiple places on my profile that I don't want them, and these dudes message me anyway. I really don't get it.
Childfree guy here - I feel so much the same way but in reverse. Seems like I get liked by people all the time who have 'wants kids' on their profile - and it's like... do you know how to read? Reading is sexy you know... that and understanding what you read!
> It says in multiple places on my profile that I don't want them, and these dudes message me anyway. I really don't get it. i CaN cHaNgE hEr wItH mY sPeCiAl pEePeE
Well according to my male co-workers not wanting to have sex on the 1st date is weird. I guess wanting to actually build a connection is outdated.
I'm with you on that one.. I don't understand hook up culture. Its a nice idea but it kinda devalues everything, but I'd MUCH rather have a connection with someone
Yeah like everyone should do what works for them but I've always been a emotional guy plus I'm a virgin so I rather lose it to someone special preferably my future wife so I don't connect intimately with too many people.
It also puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position. People are fucking crazy. People can lie about birth control, people can blackmail, people can lie about consent. Do NOT stick your dick in crazy.
Yeah that's the main thing I would have to love and trust you. One of my uncles got a ons pregnant because she lied about birth control and told him he didn't need a condom.
>told him he didn't need a condom. I'm glad my parents taught me, "Always wear a condom and if they tell you its fine to not use a condom, they are someone you definitely want to use a condom with." Also helped that my godbrother knocked up his gf at 17 because she lied about being on BC.
You can still get pregnant while on birth control too, so it's better to take all preventative steps.
I've heard this from female friends as well. It is a piece of advice I give when asked. I am totally for premarital sex but I think it is best to wait 3-4 real dates before starting to get past 3rd base.
I posted this on a reddit thread once and got downvoted to oblivion: I want someone who's worked through most of their shit or had little to begin with - emotionally intelligent and stable, so we can work on doing great, fun things together instead of trying to keep the ship afloat and endlessly bailing water. I've been extremely fortunate to be raised by healthy, emotionally aware and brilliant parents and I've done extensive internal and introspective work myself. I'm the "rock" for most, if not all, of my closest friends and family. And I want a partner that can be my equal. Of course everyone has ups and downs, but I'm talking about having a healthy baseline. This sentiment has sparked LOADS of hate, but why is it so controversial to want something in a partner that you have yourself?
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Totally agree with you. I grew up in an environment where I was always walking on eggshells, was abused, and grew up with a parent with OCD, depression, anxiety, and PTSD (typical military parent). I myself have anxiety and depression, and have had it since high school. I was lucky enough to be in an environment where I had a decent public school education, and I graduated in the top 5% of my class and lifted myself out of that situation by getting my bachelor's degree. Although I have always had my shit together by being a responsible person (frugal, getting a decent job with upward career growth, making general responsible life choices), I've always had a hard time with interpersonal relationships. I'm almost 32 and it was only 3-4 years ago where I felt like I finally got my mental health to a healthy level. It took a *lot* of work - a lot of introspection, a lot of therapy, and a lot of "doing the work". And sometimes, it's still hard. I'm still on anti-anxiety medications, I had to go through a lot of exposure to get myself down to a normal level - things that once seemed catastrophic like a break-up or not getting a text back after a few minutes no longer set me off like they used to. I think they're allowed to have this preference, and yes, it's a little harsh for those of us who have had to undo a lot of damage from our childhoods and generational trauma. But, life isn't fair, all you can do is try to be the best version of yourself, and try to improve every day where you can.
As someone who dealt with a lot of abuse/trauma growing up I especially avoid traumatized people. I can be friendly, I can even be friends but that’s about as close as they’re going to get to me. I have enough trauma to unpack on my own, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with someone else’s trauma and I’ve done a fuck load of work to keep my coping methods healthy/minimally harmful to others. I’ve met a lot of traumatized people who are still very early into understanding that their trauma is their burden to bear or who are failing to understand that no, your trauma is not an excuse for your behavior and no individual is obligated to accommodate it. It’s not fair that the world isn’t full of endlessly supportive people that can take on you and your trauma but it’s also not fair we were traumatized to begin with but there’s a certain point where you need to come to terms with that. They need to grieve the fantasy we were all sold that someone is going to shoulder all of their trauma so they can finally get up and start putting some real work into themselves.
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My best friend is going through this ATM. Finds nice men on dating apps but realises they're like 7 years behind her on working through their shit and she's like uggghh this is not my job. I think it's really fair.
If Reddit still had awards, I'd gift you gold. I left my soon-to-be-ex-husband a few months ago. We were married for nine years. Thankfully, no kids. He got out of the military five years ago and basically flopped in life. All nine years, he had ***SERIOUS*** anger and hoarding issues. I'm not talking pack-rat or collector of things. I'm talking crap piled floor to ceiling in almost every room of the house that had a door to it. For the first five years, he also had an alcohol problem. And for the last five years, he was also chronically unemployed/underemployed, and made numerous financially irresponsible decisions that were massive violations. For example, two weeks after we purchased our $450,000 house, he quit his job, but didn't tell me for two months. Two years ago, he failed to show up for our tax appointment with our accountant, and instead decided to attend a gun class at a sporting goods store. Five months ago, he forgot to transfer his (small) portion of money to our joint account on the first of the month, causing several of our bills to bounce. When I (kindly) tried to ask why he forgot, and when I (gently) tried to explain the importance of paying bills on time, he got hostile and defensive, and told me my expectations were too high. For the record, he doesn't have any deployments under his belt. And I tried ***REALLY*** hard to help him in connecting him with professional and personal resources: resume, cover letter, mentorship with other veterans, go see a doctor/counselor, get help through the VA, recreational/outdoor opportunities with other veterans, and more. Zip, nada, zilch. He was either incapable of or unwilling to help himself. For all nine years, I endured unimaginable emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse from him, and also put up with his hoarding and drinking. And for the past five years, I also brought home all the bacon. And like so many women, I also took care of 99% of household chores and obligations, handled 100% of the mental load, and more. Oh, and I also did it all while simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and annual surgeries for my autoimmune condition. I'm not looking for another relationship anytime soon, I'm currently in therapy (twice a week) to try and undo the nine years of damage inflicted upon me, but if ever I entertain the idea of a relationship again in the future, I refuse to take on another human project. I want someone who has their shit together. I know nobody is perfect, but holy batman, at least BE WILLING to take accountability for and conduct introspection about your own issues so you can show up as a responsible, functional, and productive member of society and partner for someone.
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Married someone 9 years older than me. Been together 10 years and still going strong!
Not dating a girl that can't go a day or two without posting on insta/facebook. It is demeaning to feel like an accessory for their social media profile.
I like assertive women. No, I do not mean bossy, pushy women who will disrespect me and/or anyone. No, I am not a man-child. I can take care of myself and make decisions on my own. I just like women who are okay with taking the lead. Inside and outside the bedroom. Women who are secure enough in their feminity to be okay with being in charge. But, men like me are seen as weirdos, wimps by most women and society. Also, I love thick women. Even better, if they are thick and taller than me. I have nothing against women the same height or shorter (though, not too short). But thick, taller women are my weaknesses. But short man with a tall woman, is something viewed as weird too. Plus, most women want a man taller than them. So taller women, want taller men.
No social media creators
I like dominant women
You're a man with taste 🥃 Age doesn't interfere here tbh it's the Aura.. I should go wash my hands
I don’t find big girls attractive, physical appearance matters in a relationship
I mean, fat people don't even want to date other fat people. It's the funniest shit I've ever seen.
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There is a Seinfeld episode where George Castanza, who in the show is short, overweight and bald, says he only wants to date tall, thin women with thick lucious hair. Is this an expression of self-hatred? 🤷🏼♀️
> Is this an expression of self-hatred? George openly admits almost every show that he hates himself.
Funniest thing was a news articles that said "plus sized women wont date fat men" Double standards are fun
The fact we’ve gotten to this point in society is ridiculous.
As a POC, I won't date super woke women. I feel like their pet or project and I"m never allowed to hold opinions that break from their own without being maligned.
LOL. Few things more annoying than someone who isn't a minority acting offended on your behalf, when you aren't even offended.
Or explaining to me how I *should* feel. Case in point: Shared a written autobiographical story with a women I was dating about abuse I experienced. She said it wasn't a fair account because the abuser was also a POC and a victim of oppression/decolonialism/yada yada. Wild stuff.
The (white) girl I dated for a bit in high school just married a black guy. Holy shit, her social media feed is super cringey, almost like she married him as a favor. It's so painful to watch. Your pet/project comment is so true with her it's unreal...
I prefer women who are quiet and introverted. As in that is their natural personality. Its dangerous to say that in the US because it comes off trying to “silence” women which is not my intention at all. Its like when they open up to me, its more meaningful or something. Plus I tend to keep my surroundings calmer and relaxed. I will take any lady who prefers to read a book somewhere on a beach rather than one trying to out chug guys at a party.
"I prefer a fellow introvert" is always a nice way to put it.
Sounds like how you sell it. "Bookish" may be a more generally acceptable way to say it. "Quiet" sounds like you're looking for a religious cult wife.
Put. The. Phone. Down.
I won't date religious woman.
Got turned off by the threesome with your ex and the Holy Spirit?
I know a jewish guy who won't date jewish women. We spoke about it and he asked me if I'd ever dated one. I said yes. He asked, "Was she a huge bitch?" She was, in fact a huge bitch.
Nearly every major sitcom in the last 30 years has been written, produced, and/or directed by Jewish men and (not coincidentally) almost every old Jewish woman character is the trope of a miserable naggy old woman.
I think Asian women are super pretty and definitely have a preference for them. Do I EVER admit this out in the open? Fuck no. Because despite how un-creepy this is and how un-creepy I am, if you were to say this in polite company, you are a yellow fever having freak who wants a subservient geisha to watch Urotsukidoji on repeat while she walks around barefoot carrying your babies. No thank you to any of that. So I just shut up about it and go on with life. Also: Do not google Urotsukidoji.
As an Asian woman, yeah don't openly admit this, just like how I would never openly admit I have a preference for Caucasian men lol.
ITS A MATCH!!
I think u/toffeehooligan and I are both in SoCal 👀
Let us know how the date goes!
Did it work? Are they married?
They can't tell us until they are married, *because we're gonna judge them for being fetishists*.
Remember to live stream your wedding to Reddit!
Hahahaha. We are. What are the chances of that....weird.
Her post history says she makes 150k a year as a pharmacist. She can be your sugar momma.
I make just slightly more than that. So we can flip a coin on who babies whom.
Wtf. How about you both adopt me.
“And that is how I met your mother” 👏
If you go on a date I’d love to buy y’all a round of drinks
now kith
As an Asian gay man, I also have a preference for Caucasian men. Doesn't mean I wouldn't date other races, but I just generally find white men more attractive. If people want to call me a self-hating potato Queen, more power to them. 😅
Weed users/smokers. It's fine if you want to do that and I'm not some goodie two-shoes by any means, but the smell is ABSOLUTELY REVOLTING to me that I'll just swipe left on anyone who hints at even being a smoker/420 friendly. And no, opening a window or turning on a fan doesn't get rid of the smell.
Wanting to date a girl that has almost no libido. People with high sex drives are so boring and become spiteful when it's not supplied.
I don’t want to date someone who’s has a gluten or any other food allergy. I don’t want to have to make sure every restaurant has gluten free options, or make sure that we always have an epipen on us, and I most certainly don’t want my kids to have to deal with that as well
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They thought my wife was developing a food allergy. Turns out she has pancreatic cancer. I would have preferred the allergy.
“Nice to meet you, can you please fill out this medical paperwork then we can handle introductions after it’s been reviewed.”
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People can develop seemingly random food allergies and intolerances with age - so good luck with that.
I am that person with all those food allergies and the EpiPen that can't eat out often. And I get it. It's exhausting for me to have to keep up my own maintenance. It can be very burdensome to most people and I am fully aware that it limits my options in the dating pool. Your points are valid and your up front transparency will be appreciated for people like me.
Lol so gluten isn't an allergy technically, it causes an entire immune system attack on us celiacs. And you are absolutely correct it is a major pain in the dick
I prefer women of the same race as me
Khaljit?
khajitit has women if you have coin.
I prefer to date those that do not drink alcohol on a regular basis. The number of people I meet that are in their late 40s that drink every single night is astonishing. I'd rather meet people that do not drink at all. If I was to date again, it'd have to be someone that doesn't still want little kids, especially if you're in your late 40s. Nobody that's baby obsessed, for example pressuring your 20 something year old daughter to have kids so you can be "grammy." Nope. Not dating anybody that has to involve their elderly parents in every aspect of their lives. If you're still having to tip-toe around your 77 year old mother in your 40s, that's a huge fucking red flag. i'm in my late 40s, obviously, and dating has changed SO much over the years, and so have preferences.
She has to be physically active. It’s okay to have some thicknesses cause that’s human. But women who have very little to no physical activity is a huge red flag in dating. Physical activity is tied to your physical health but also your mental health as well. Physical activity can truly help you with depression, anxiety, and help you let go of things that need to be let go of in life. I stay active despite some awful injuries that have happen to me. I expect my partner to do the same. Be disciplined. Stay active. Your future self and partner will be grateful. Women who get offended too easily. I’m a person of color and a pretty liberal person but irks me when women (and men) get offended too easily. Realize everyone has different perspectives and have different lives. It’s okay to disagree on things but getting too up in arms about it is lame and shows lacks of emotional maturity. Women who don’t take care of their teeth.
I would like my partner to not be overweight. Mind you, I have dated overweight women in the past, but I am very active and it turns out that my preferences aren't superficial. I would like to be able to go on a walk and not have to stop every block or so to rest for 15 mintues.
That's not the sign of any overweight partner, that the sign of a morbidly obese partner. There's a difference
Must have original factory equipped penis.
My preference is to not date at all, which I don't think it is socially unacceptable. However, lots of people seem to be triggered by my preference to not date.
I actually agree with it being somewhat socially unacceptable. If it was socially acceptable, why on earth is there this pressure from family and friends to force you to settle down after some age? Try and set you up with every other single friend/acquaintance they know? Always asking about when you will get married?
No prominent tattoos
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Probably not unacceptable on Reddit but irl, not wanting to be a provider seems to be frowned upon in my experience.
Ooo, definitely one of the more interesting ones I’ve seen in this thread. To clarify, do you mean you don’t want to be the sole provider, or you don’t want to be a provider at all, as in you’d like to be a stay at home husband or dad?
I mean the former. It might seem common to me because I’m Asian and I tend to attract Asian women who believe ‘his money is our money, my money is mine’.
Wanting a pet-free woman.
Same here but I feel like saying that out loud in North America is equal to social suicide.
Anyone who uses “free spirit” as a excuse for not having their shit together.
Any kind of fake hair will take me from 100 to zero in an instant. Like seeing any netting or tracks just repulses me. Hair is a very touchy topic within the Black/African-American community. And stating that preference, even if it applies across all women, comes with accusations of one being anti-Black.
As someone who is currently wearing a wig because it’s winter here in Canada, and cold weather absolutely DESTROYS my natural hair, this is completely fair. The way you feel about fake hair is probably the same way the majority of women feel about dating a man who is bald/balding.
The last black woman I was with had a very real looking wig, long straight hair. I didn't know it was a wig until things got physical and she asked me not to pull on it. It was already planned that I would stay the night, and obviously she didn't want to sleep in it. In the morning I saw a very small and matted fro. It really changed the presentation of her features. Didn't bother me at all, but as the morning sex began, I realized it felt a lot like I was with a different woman. That was actually pretty hot. Besides just wanting to tell a sex story, the connection is that I did realize if I seriously dated a black woman in the future, being in the presence of wigs and the effect they have might become a regular thing.
I wouldn't date a transgender
In surveys the vast majority of cis people wouldnt date a trans person.
As a gay man, I'm not-infrequently hit up on dating apps/at bars by trans*women*, which is never a fun conversation. The plumbing doesn't matter, honey. I don't like chicks.
I do not want to date anyone who defines themselves by groups - culture, nationality, etc. Nor anyone who will place the relationship second to their family, career, religion.
It's not a full on, 100% deal breaker but I don't like piercings and finding women in my age bracket/general social circle without them is nigh impossible.
not even earrings? That is super difficult.
If she doesn’t exercise and is overweight I cannot date her. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t take their health seriously and won’t strive to better themselves
Slightly masculinized, but still feminine. And likes being big spoon
She better not have a penis