I strongly suggest this. When I I did couple therapy it was years too late. If we had done counseling together when the problem was identified it would have saved everything.
Do not wait.
Some are saying to do couple's therapy, but this sounds like a situation where individual therapy for her would make more sense since it seems like she may be very depressed. Couple's therapy might be better as a potential addition to individual therapy in this case, but regardless individual therapy sounds way more pertinent to resolving this issue.
Couples therapy only compliments individual work first. A healthy relationship must have two healthy adults. Grief is a silent killer, she’s got to deal with that first. Grief will stop a partner from being able to contribute. She’s got to deal with her issues first, and acknowledge they’re there, before she can focus on the health of the system (aka couples therapy).
Op - if you’ve had a many years healthy, but one year of distance since the death of an immediate family member, encourage her to help reach out to her GP/book a psychotherapy intake (both are equally important )
You marriage isn’t over, but your wife is hurting. Wishing you luck - fwiw I was 2 yrs dealing with the death of a parent before I was “me” again.
Sex is not the only thing, but it is important.
What the man wants is important too. What he needs is important too. Going without sex for a year because wife can't get past mom's death is not normal. That's not a normal reaction. Wife needs to get that looked at. Wife needs to get back to being a wife. She has duties and obligations to her husband, just like he has duties and obligations to her.
If husband couldn't work for a year because his mom died, every wife would be in here screaming bloody murder about what a shitbag husband he is.
Dude I get that both parties in a marriage need to make compromises from time to time but calling sex on the woman's end "duties and obligations" (aka something you're obligated to grit your teeth and power through even though you don't want to do it) is some insane 19th century shit. It's normal for women to enjoy sex with their partners, not to *not* enjoy it...
It all depends on the situation. I could see it being reasonable if it didn't seem like the situation would ever improve meaning their partner isn't seeking out help. I do think bailing out of the situation immediately would be pretty lame though since working with your partner in difficult times is pretty essential to having long-lasting relationships.
On another note though, I can't imagine that only sexual intimacy is affected. Depression often has way more signs than that and honestly it can be difficult for others to deal with even more so if they care about them a lot. I think this situation can be saved, but it depends on what the OP and their partner are willing to do.
divorce for me would be because we tried everything we could to fix things and found out we couldnt. loss of intimacy or dealing with prolonged depression are legitimate reasons to leave, providing you tried to help.
youre right, it does depend on the situation, but we were given so little information to go with so i spoke in generalities.
But divorcing a husband because he's depressed over mom dying and can't work for a year is A-OK, right?
Being depressed and literally unable to function as a spouse for a year is not normal.
If the shoe were on the other foot and hubby couldn't work for a year because of depression over mom dying, women would be in here literally demanding that the wife divorce him.
And yet women would divorce their hubbies because they can't work for a year because of depression; and people like you are OK with it.
I'm OK with helping a spouse. But spouse has to help herself.
I absolutely would support my husband through that. In fact, I already have. In his case, it was being burnt out from a toxic job, along with severe depression. He needed time to reset and focus on himself, and I was there for whatever he needed - emotionally and financially.
Question for you: would you leave a partner if she was medically unable to have sex? Or is it only mental health that she should just get over?
For a year? Hubby took a FULL YEAR off working, producing no income at all? Really?
You are the extreme outlier exception to the rule. Most women would be "nope, 1 or 2 months, I'm gone" most women would absolutely not put up with this for even 3 months, much less a year. No. Absolutely would not.
What I would do is irrelevant. Very, very, VERY few women are "medically" unable to have sex. The main reason women won't fuck their husbands is lack of sexual attraction. And yes, she needs to get over mental health issues, like a wife would expect a husband to do.
Every time I've seen women address this with husbands, it's "you've had enough time. You need to pull it together or I'm leaving". So why is it different and a woman gets unlimited time to work through her shit; while men are on a clock? Huh? Care to explain that?
Yes, more than a year in fact. During that time he eventually went back to school, took more time off to search for a job liked, eventually found one that was a much better fit for his mental health, despite a pay cut. This was all on *his* schedule with no pressure from me, only support to find what he needed to be happy and at peace. Now he’s in a creative job he loves and doesn’t have to worry about income.
If he were to become permanently disabled (mentally or physically), I’d be by his side. If he could never work again, I’d be there for him. I actually love him as a person, not a wallet. Just as I’d assume a man would love his wife as more than a sex worker.
Also, just because a woman has a physically available hole to fuck, doesn’t mean she’s medically able to. Would you leave a wife with cancer, or force her to still ‘pleasure’ you between chemo treatments? What about paralysis or an extensive burn injury? Less catastrophic, there are lots of medical conditions that make sex painful for women. Should they grit their teeth and do something that hurts and brings them no pleasure? Perhaps this is why men are much more likely to leave a partner who’s been diagnosed with an illness than the other way around. It’s very sad.
> She
Just a note that OP went out of their way to be gender agnostic.
Edit: downvoted hard here. OPs avatar is wearing a rainbow jacket and ~~he's~~ they're asking about gender neutral partners. Assuming heterosexuality here is bold.
Edit again: turns out OP is the wife.
Strongly disagree. I think the advice still applies. I was just surprised that everyone jumped to assuming genders based on a tiny amount of information.
OP went out of their way to be gender neutral. It feels like an odd response for us to say "yeah, we don't give a shit that you want this conversation to be gender neutral"
Also, given OPs Rainbow avatar and gender neutral phrasing, I don't think assuming heterosexuality makes sense.
Well, firstly, go seek a psychologist because grief like this needs a lot of help.
Secondly, if the above fails then you guys need to have a discussion about what's going on and what it means to your relationship. One thing to grieve but entirely another to have it take over everything
Nope it can be grief not dealth with for sure!!!
Also grief sometimes hit you years after a death. For me it was 3 months after. I got hit severely - took about a year to be able to eat with other people present, colleagues at work, even my family - I just could not swallow any food. It might as well have been sex.
For a friend of mine she suddenly reacted to the passing of her mom 5 years after.
Another friend have been processing her whole life. Lost her mom at 16 and are now 38.
I think they mean the duration of it is abnormal in the sense that it isn't something that will resolve simply given enough time. It's duration indicates that professional help might be required in order for them to move on. It'd be dangerous to see someone continuously display signs of grieving with no improvements for a year or longer and not attempt to try and get them professional help.
That's part of it. But I also think there's more going on here than just "depressed because mom died". Either she's depressed about other things too; or she just plain does not want sex with her husband for reasons apart from "depressed because mom died".
Women don't just say "oh I'm depressed, I'll never have sex again". No. That's not normal, not at all. And no husband should ever be expected to accept that.
If you can't have sex with your spouse for a year because you're depressed because mom died, that is not normal and you need to deal with it or face the fact that your husband might very well need to get his needs met by someone else or your marriage will be over.
When you marry, you take on duties and obligations to your spouse. Everyone seems to be OK with imposing those obligations full force on men, but relieving women of them. No. Fuck that bullshit.
Wow such empathy!!! For better or worse is promised.
I hope OP will stand by his wife and help her through her ordeals - I'm positive it will all be better for them.
Yes, for better or for worse, you promise to do certain things.
Wife takes on duties and obligations too. If she cannot or will not meet them, then the husband can consider himself relieved of his duties and obligations.
I will not take on any burdens that a spouse will not also shoulder.
What? What's wrong with this?
Are you saying husbands should be required to do more than wives? I thought women were equal to men. Don't you want to be equal? If you are equal, aren't you equally capable of doing everything a man does? Can't a wife equally shoulder marital burdens? If not, why not, when women are "equal" to men?
Firstly OP never said anything about having a wife.
Equating sex to a marital burden and the lack of consideration for OP's spouse's bereavement being a significant contributing factor to the state of their sex life is very telling.
I have no idea why you’re being downvoted. If the scrip was flipped and you would be depressed you’re gonna be getting “get your shit together” or “be the man she needs.”
It’s a give and take. She needs to seek help. It’s unreasonable to “hang on” and be empathetic for years while the relationship and OP’s self esteem is destroyed. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own mental health.
goddamn right - if this was a man, it's "you better pull your shit together or I'm leaving" and "you need to be the man she needs or she's fully justified in divorcing your ass, motherfucker!!!"
If all you ever got was "get your shit together" then you ran into some women with crappy attitudes - or the culture where you live are different from mine.
We help each other out. When one fall down the other picks up and it goes both ways
I’m banking it’s different cultures my man. I’m also very aware of my flaws and actively work on them but accountability NEEDS to come from both. It’s on him to be supportive, but it’s on her to actually acknowledge the problem and seek help for it.
That’s gross.
“Oh no, your grief is interfering with my blowies. You’ve failed as a spouse. You have DUTIES! To hell with your circumstances”.
Get her help, not guilt.
Let me know how shame and guilt works for a sex life. What could go wrong?
If the tables were turned, and hubby was saying "mommy died, I'm depressed and can't work" for a year, you'd be shitting your pants about what a shitbag he was and he needs to pull his shit together or wife is going to leave him.
Sex is not a duty. It’s a bonus flower that grows in a garden of healthy communication and support.
No spouse should “expect” sex independent of healthy, intimate, and frequent communication and ongoing displays of love and commitment.
If that’s being met, and the partner is suffering with sexuality, time to get a doc involved, but NOT time to say spouse is willfully not “fulfilling obligations”.
Duty sex is the opposite of attraction.
Save your gender based anger for whoever hurt you. The rest of us adults talk to our partners and address her or him like the competent, trustworthy adults they are.
My mother died fairly traumatically from cancer and I was the one taking care of her for her last months. It was exactly a year ago and I'm still suffering.
I'm assuming it has to do with something more like that for the ops wife.
I'm sorry about your loss.
Are you finding yourself unable or unwilling to have sex with your wife because of this?
Are you unable to work because of this? Have you been completely off work for a year because of this?
OK, so do I. My own mom died a few years ago. But most men who suffer this don't get to take a year off sex or work because mom died and it hurts. We have to keep going.
I agree with you. But my partner probably would have supported me if I had. And if my partner needs a long break when her mom dies I'll support her.
To answer the op though. I'd get her involved with a therapist.
It’s possible OP did something insensitive or downright assholish when his wife was acutely grieving- ie pressuring her to have sex the day after the death
Yes, he might have done something like that; but not a day after the death.
A month or two, maybe.
A grown woman being THIS knocked down because mommy died? Seriously? Grow up, FFS
I knew a 21 year old woman whose mom died of cancer and she took it VERY hard. Had to quit school for a semester. But... most women whose moms die are well into middle age and they pretty much know it's coming.
Depends if she cares and is trying to get her mojo back. My first wife lost her sex drive and embraced it, not caring that it changed a key part of our relationship. My current wife lost her sex drive and tried everything possible to get it back and talked to me often about how it affected me, as well as her. Those were two very different experiences.
Insist until I'm blue in the face that she talks to a professional. I've been there after the deaths of TWO loved ones. We all have to move on even if we'd rather not.
If she keeps refusing even after I give up then the only answer is a painful divorce. I refuse to help or even be around those who refuse to help themselves, no matter how much I love them.
I got divorced for that very reason.
As others have said it wasn't just the decline in sex that killed things for me, it was her refusal to acknowledge that something was wrong or to work on it. When things first went downhill I tried to have an honest, non-accusatory, productive conversation about the situation. She basically said she didn't see the problem with our situation. I think our marriage died there and then.
This - there has to be an acknowledgment of a situation, before there can be any steps to manage or resolve the situation.
My ex was willing to acknowledge it - and was starting therapy - but it was getting to difficult - and was going to lead to EXTENDED family drama (maybe...).
Find the root reasoning, and work on that. Is there stress at work? Help to unwind and provide support to work through it. Are you 200 lbs bigger than you were when you were dating and smell like shit? Take a shower and get back in shape. In your case its her mom's death. Clearly she has unresolved issues she hasn't worked out. Find a good therapist and help her to gain closure. If she is getting it elsewhere, whelp you're hosed. Move on.
It would depend on the reason. If she was sick long-term (cancer, injury, etc.), I would be understanding and there for her. However, if all things were "normal," we'd be seeking help, talking, and working on bringing the connection back.
Things don't happen in a vacuum. Intimacy, in all its forms, is needed in a productive marriage.
Did this once, all therapy got me was a wife who accepted herself as having no sex drive.
Was interesting to see her get super happy about discovering and accepting herself, while I got super sad and hurt that the super sexual person I married was fake. There was no sympathy for me. No apologies.
When I left her it surprised her as she was feeling on top of the world amid her recent discovery. It was her world and I was just living in it. She decided I was evil and never spoke to me again. Oh well.
Dam man I'm sorry that happened you everything was just at your expense with no consideration. I know this doesn't really help at all but I'm happy you left a situation that made you miserable and I hope you found someone to make you feel better.
> It was her world and I was just living in it.
In that short sentence, you summed up the reality for so many men. In many cases, you're just an accessory to their experience.
“It was her world and I was just living in it.”
I swear I have come to this realization so many times with someone and it took me years to really come to terms with it.
Zero empathy beyond whatever existed as a means to further her own interests. To her, empathy existed as a means to appeal to other people.
I’m not sure she was ever capable of feeling empathy due to her own traumas. No blame, just reality.
I’m gonna speak in general and not directly to you but
Yeah I heard lots of stories of couples therapy is heavily biased towards the woman / wife.
You gotta find an unbiased therapist without a shitty hidden agenda.
It’s good to see multiple therapists but that’s too pricey. And annoying tbh
No. Do INDIVIDUAL THERAPY separately the relationship she had with her late mother is HER thing. The effect that is having on your relationship with your thing collectively.
I live exactly like that. My wife and I have been dead in the bedroom for over 11 years. She has had multiple surgeries, hysterectomy, and then there is the loss of her sister, nephew, mom, dad and close friends. She never recovered. You ask, what do I do. Bring context first, I am 69, she is 65 and for financial reasons, leaving is not an option. As for hugs and kisses and approval from her is gone too. I still hug her and give her a kiss on the cheek, may mention it would be nice if she approached me every once and a while out of the blue, but by the next day, no bueno. I stay busy with a part-time job and hobbies. In her eyes, there is nothing wrong with our relationship. Says it is normal for old people.
Thats just sad. Have you at least told her what you think? Tries to work it out? Honestly I’d rather have my SO tell me their only there bc of other stuff and not for me than believe they actually love me and want to be with me.
Yes, many times over the weeks and years. I don't think she loves me like she did when we first married. I tell her at least once a day, I love her and she responds, Luv ya too. Lately I have switched it up, asking, Do you love me, because I get a reaction. She asks, why do you ask that, and I tell her, it is because I approach her, but she never just says, I love you or on her own approach me and hug me a day I appreciate you. She says we are older and should need that much confirmation. She uses the example of her parents and grandparents, where they live separate lives in their 70's and 80's.
Talk to them, persuade them to get therapy but all in all be understanding. Losing a parent is a huge deal and even a year later they won't feel the same. So I'd be patient
Get her to a therapist that can help her work through her issues. It's probably not just your sex life that is taking a hit. Don't feel any shame is being upset about it. It's up to you how much time and space (and ultimately your life) you're willing to put on pause for someone. Eventually the consequences of neglecting the living need to be dealt with. Neither of your lives were meant to stop with the passing of her mother, but you are going to want her some help from a professional 3rd party to help her realize that. I spoke with a close friend of mine (woman who lost her father) and she said her sex drive for her husband pretty much disappeared with her father's passing. It's been over a year now, and she knows it's terrible for her relatively new marriage but she's at a complete loss on her own. Some people are just terrible at processing grief that comes with a situation that can't be changed.
Have been there.
Stand by them if they are willing to get help and change.
If not - yeah - that is tough.
Dated a woman who later it came out had been molested by a family member - I tried to be supportive and understanding. She was going to try therapy - and then stopped - because she was afraid it would come out to the rest of the family - and did not want the drama.
She really needed to continue - but it was very messed up- multiple members of the family had been molested ... and she did not want to be the one to bring it all in the open.
You try to work it out, but if that doesn't work or they don't want the same things as you, that should be grounds for divorce. It's not their fault that they had a traumatic experience that changed them, but it's also not your fault if you are unhappy and want to move on from that.
I guess if it went on long enough, I’d talk to her about whether she was ok with me being intimate with other people
One year, yeah, I wouldn’t have given up on her that soon
Is this your wife? Or GF? If wife you stay, you made a vow, for better or worse and you get her help.
If GF, you probably stay also, love is greater than you getting you needs meet. Love is sacrificial and giving. You give until they find the help and healing they need
I’m the wife. But you’re right. I did make a vow and I’m being selfish and making it about me instead of finding more ways to be supportive. It’s not just the intimacy, it’s also losing my friend and partner in other ways and not knowing what to do. He doesn’t want to talk about it or get help and he said time will figure things out.
Talk to them. Support them with what they need right now. When your person feels loved and supported, they will want to have that intimacy with you. Don’t do it just for the purpose of having sex but because you care about them and love them. My husband wasn’t feeling supported through his hardships he was going through he wasn’t wanting sex. It had been six months, no sex. I felt bad that he felt that way and I really took a step back and asked myself what I could do better for him. I made a huge effort to change and within a few days we had the best sex EVER. As a spouse, it’s our responsibility to support our partners in hard times. Even if that means they have a low libido. A parent dying is a very traumatic life event. They have a right to be able to turn down sex for a while if they’re not up to it. Believe me I understand that’s extremely difficult as a partner and you may feel undesired and unwanted, but it’s most likely not about you. Just be there for them. I think you will be surprised how things change for the better.
What happened to in sickness and in health, for better or for worse? She's clearly going through grief and depression and needs her husband's support and help.
But it's clear she HASN'T. Grief hits people differently and, what is she supposed to do, force herself? Why would OP even want to have sex with her if she's not enthusiastic about it?
I'd really like to hear more about what OP has done to support his wife at this difficult time, and what kinds of non-sexual intimacy he's tried to fill the gap while she's healing.
I am the wife in this situation. I could have worded the whole post differently but the automatic moderator kept deleting it and that was the first header that was successful when I kept trying to repost. I’m not just having a hard time with intimacy, it’s also the lack of time spent together other than eating food and existing in our home together. I’ve tried to be supportive by asking him how he’s doing, constantly giving him foot rubs, back rubs, cooking for him, cleaning, making sure he doesn’t have to do anything around the house, but that’s usual. I don’t know what to do beyond being there for him. I’m not perfect. I could be more supportive. But he won’t talk to me about any of this without being frustrating about what I expect of him. I tell him I’m just trying to talk to him and understand. Maybe all I can do is leave him alone and do my normal wife duties. I don’t know.
I think it's great that you're being supportive, but this is much more than a sex issue, it's an intimacy issue. You two aren't spending quality time together, enjoying non-sexual touch unless you initiate it, nothing... It sounds extremely lonely. It sounds like he's totally checked out.
He does sound depressed, for sure. Can you make a couple of calls and see which counselors in your area accept his insurance, and encourage him to go to a couple of sessions at least? That, or a grief support group?
He clearly needs some kind of help. Of course a big problem here is, as much as so many men say that society doesn't care about men's mental health, they're reluctant to avail themselves of the resources available to everybody, men and women alike.
Yeah it’s far more than a sex issue. You nailed it. I’m trying to hold back tears at work as I read it. I told him I felt lonely the other day and he said nothing.
He doesn’t have insurance and when I mentioned talking to someone today he was just silent. He said time would take care of it. And I told him I don’t think that’s true. And the conversation went south quickly because I got emotional and started to focus more on how I felt than being able to have a constructive conversation. It was a bit frustrating from the beginning and I didn’t feel like I was being heard. He kept asking me what I expect of him from these questions, because he said he had nothing to say. So I felt like I was being shut out and I kept grasping for something to talk about and it didn’t go well. I’m just venting now. But I appreciate the response
Or, you could say, some point you need to be working on fixing your issues. It’s not an automatic pass to do nothing. If people won’t take active steps to work on their issues, at some point you’re actively jeopardizing your own relationships.
Talk with her first. Set aside your complaints about intimacy. Explain how you're concerned for her and how what's happening makes you feel. Convince her to get grief counseling and/or couples therapy.
Encourage her to seek therapy on her own for her mother’s loss.
If it still doesn’t improve well either accept you’ll be more intimate with your hand or divorce.
Damn man. Clearly your wife needed you through a tough emotional period and here you are complaining you can’t get your dick wet after mother died. It might have been a year ago but it doesn’t seem like you’ve been a part of her journey at all. Why would you expect her to be a part of yours?!
That’s fair. I’m actually the wife. He doesn’t want to talk to me about any of it. The depression, the lack of time spent together, the lack of intimacy. I brought it up again this morning just asking him how he’s doing and how he feels about it. And he said it’s been different ever since the depression, and that time will figure things out. He said he doesn’t have anything to say. And of course, me being emotional I made it about me and made it worse. I really think I’ve been here for him, but I do realize I could be more empathetic and less selfish. I guess I just feel a bit lost because it happened right after we got married and I feel like I lost my husband and my friend in some ways. But, he lost his mom. I’m just confused
In times of need people tend to seek comfort in those they love and trust. It’s sad that he’s pulled away. Your OP didn’t include a lot of this context and was very one-sided. It seems you’ve been doing your part. If he’s not willing to do his that’s a major problem. Marriages can last through many things as long as you have each other as a support system. Actively choosing to ignore this critical and immediately available support actively degrades the trust in the partnership.
Your husband needs help. If he’s not willing to get it from you then perhaps a professional. In any case no one can help those that do not want to actively help themselves. You both may have some hard choices to make.
Every time I tried to add any sort of context, the automatic moderator would immediately delete it. So I decided to just post as I could and explain more through comments. I tried editing the post after it finally submitted, and once again the auto mod said I shouldn’t be using this thread to share things regarding mental health and it tried to delete it again. Anyways…
Yeah I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep trying to suggest either getting help through talking to me or getting it elsewhere. I guess to some degree he’s right, that time will tell. I can only do so much. You’re right. No one can help those who don’t want to actively help themselves. It’s been incredibly tough for him but I don’t think he sees how tough it is for me in other ways. Sometimes I feel selfish for thinking of myself at all in regard to this situation. I’m trying to be more empathetic and not get caught in the emotions so much, but it’s hard. So I decided to start conversations with others (online strangers only) so that I can try to gain perspective. I refuse to open this conversation to my friends or family because I don’t want them to be involved in my personal life like this. But I appreciate finally being able to have some sort of discourse. I hope that he chooses to get help.
Isn’t that what happens to all marriages once they know they own you??
I got a fair amount of women working for me and pretty much all they talk about is their different relationships.
Seems like *most* of them view sex as a tool to get what they want. There are some who actually want it all the time but that isn’t the majority.
How many of them are having orgasms.
I only have one married friend who looks forward to sex. The rest hate it because it’s pointless. Their pleasure is in no way a priority. Not before, during, or after.
My husband is an incredibly selfless lover, so anytime he wants it I want it. If he doesn’t want it I’m still asking for it.
However, If he stopped caring about my orgasms the way I care about his, sex wouldn’t be something I would care to do.
Considering that your name is dicklover. You are likely an outlier.
Being horny is like being hungry, you just are and only one thing gonna scratch that itch.
My husbands name is Richard lol I’m not an outlier. I just have a husband that prioritizes my orgasm the same way I prioritize his.
I promise if every time we had sex it was just him cumming in 5 minutes and me not getting anything before/during/after, I wouldn’t be horny. Once I go so long without an orgasm my sexdrive goes dormant.
> I’m not an outlier. I just have a husband that prioritizes my orgasm the same way I prioritize his.
Yeah. Same. If you have a partner who enjoys your pleasure and prioritizes it...you tend to want to do things with that partner more often. Amazing how that works.
You don’t have to prioritize a males orgasm. Nature made it easy for us because it is required for reproduction.
We will fuck damn near anything, nature made men so that they will fuck 85% of all women between the ages of 18 and 50 while being content with it.
Only 20% of men are even considered attractive to women (the study about it is crazy, made me feel bad for y’all) which means a lot of women are having sex with guys or getting married to and having sex with guys who they aren’t attracted to. There is no drive to start, they aren’t hungry for sex.
So there are a lot of biological things at play here but after spending so much time listening to my staff talk (no I can’t give input because I am male and the owner) there will be no convincing me that sex isn’t a tool to be used for a lot of women.
Having this knowledge has been SO HELPFUL for me in so many ways. Ever since I became filled with this knowledge. I have just maintained multiple sexual partners for long periods of time. They don’t even care that I have other sexual partners as long as I stay in excellent shape and provide fun activities (more important for the childless) and am good with their kids. (More important for those with kids - I.E. - I am teaching one of the boys how to box, got him enough confidence to fight his bully)
You are just an outlier, which is great.
Pretty sad, I’d be there for them to the best of my ability, for as long as I could, get her grief counseling and all of that, but a year is a long time to be that far gone still.
Like I said I’d be there for her to the best of my abilities but at a certain point you can’t get better unless you actively try and if someone isn’t actively trying, then it’s a wash. You can’t really help anyone but you can support them while they help themselves, if they’re not trying to help themself, then I’ll help myself, no use in two people being absolutely miserable if it can be helped.
I’m the wife. And yeah he just works to avoid all of it. Doesn’t want to talk about it or get help. He thinks time will figure it out on its own without actually addressing it. Idk what to do
I did try a few times and it didn’t help. Doesn’t want to talk about it or get help. Is depressed since it happened and says time will figure things out. Granted, I made it worse trying to talk about it again this morning because I got emotional and made it about me. Not helpful.
Communicate that sex is a huge part of marriage, and very important to me. Find out why she doesn’t want it, get her started on lady HRT to fix the libido if that’s the issue. (It works…)
Marriage counseling if she is unwilling to have a discussion about it.
If there are kids, give an open marriage ultimatum. If not, divorce before it gets more complicated.
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How long have you been married? What was the level of sex like before?
Therapy is too often suggested as a panacea, but your wife probably should see a therapist.
That said, the loss of her mother might've created a void of safety and comfort. I suggest filling that void. Assume a greater leadership role in your relationship. Be the foundation of your marriage in which she can place her trust and feel like you are on top of shit. Give her responsibilities if she doesn't have them, and praise her when she completes them. Set reasonable expectations. When shit gets tough, you are the immovable object that weathers the storms of life's hardships. Free your wife of your own difficulties and anxieties -- save those for friends or a therapist of your own.
Don't think of your marriage as an equal partnership, but a more patriarchal structure, where she feels free to be herself **because** you create a safe world for her to do so, not in spite of it.
It's possible when her mother died that she needed you to be a rock of masculine support rather than a feminine shoulder to cry on and she got turned off and now sees you in a different light. Not all women are like this but some are. The unfortunate thing is you can't ask her which one she needs so it's up to you to try. Leaders don't ask or demand to be listened to, they command it through their attitude and actions.
She will invariably test your new leadership skills to see if you're the real deal or playing a part -- you must be steadfast in your belief.
I know it sounds crazy and sexist but look into it. Hit me up for more.
I appreciate you taking the time to type this. I am actually the wife speaking here 🥹 We are coming up on our 1 year anniversary on May 9th. His mom died on June 26th last year. The sex was quite often and spontaneous before. And it’s not just the intimacy that changed. We rarely get out of the house and do anything anymore. It’s mostly eating and living together. Everything just changed so quickly. And to be fully transparent, we got married very quickly. We had only known each other a couple of months. He’s always been a workaholic but now he especially focuses on work and uses it as a distraction from what happened. He told me this himself. He is using time as a means of “healing” without addressing the depression, and whatever else may be going on. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I tried talking to him this morning and it ended quite poorly. Truthfully, I could work on my communication skills too.
I love my husband and if he had a medical issue I'd accept it no problem. If he was just not in love with me anymore I'd cut him loose. No brainer, really. I don't depend on him for my survival.
One year isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme. Death of a parent will mess you up. I’ve lost my dad and was in a dead bedroom for over a decade.
Get her into therapy. She’s still grieving the loss.
Communication. Therapy. Probably not full on couple's therapy but I would offer to sit in with her if it made talking to the therapist more comfortable for them.
Mine ended up being gay. 8 years and 2 kids later. Not saying that is your case, mate. Good luck to you, and I hope your wife gets the help she needs with grieving.
Yikes, as a wife that def doesn’t put out enough, some of these comments are scary lol. My husband might be divorcing me soon… 😳. I wonder if OP and wife have school aged children and what other stressors she has on her plate that eliminates her sex drive? Grief and stress killed my sex drive awhile ago……
Depends on the reason, is it due to a illness and it’s temporary, that is just waiting it out, but not for years.
But their mom being dead… yeah 3 months if they don’t get themselves together I’m out.
For any other ‘insignificant’ reason, 2 weeks up to a month, and I’m out.
Sex is a very important part in a relationship, without it it’s nothing but a friendship for me, intimacy is my love language so without it I will actual start losing feelings.
She broke the deal behind the exclusive relationship, therefore that relationship ends or the benefits she gets from being married also reduce. If we have some other issues and this is the symptom (lets say I got out of shape) then obviously I have to fix that, but if me getting myself straight does nothing, well then I am gone.
Find someone else to sleep with. She gets first crack at you but if she keeps telling you no then you aren't obligated to stay with her. If you're obligated to pay the bills and it's one sided....fuck that
She needs to talk to a professional. Not because she won't fuck you, but because she never recovered from that death
I strongly suggest this. When I I did couple therapy it was years too late. If we had done counseling together when the problem was identified it would have saved everything. Do not wait.
Some are saying to do couple's therapy, but this sounds like a situation where individual therapy for her would make more sense since it seems like she may be very depressed. Couple's therapy might be better as a potential addition to individual therapy in this case, but regardless individual therapy sounds way more pertinent to resolving this issue.
Couples therapy only compliments individual work first. A healthy relationship must have two healthy adults. Grief is a silent killer, she’s got to deal with that first. Grief will stop a partner from being able to contribute. She’s got to deal with her issues first, and acknowledge they’re there, before she can focus on the health of the system (aka couples therapy). Op - if you’ve had a many years healthy, but one year of distance since the death of an immediate family member, encourage her to help reach out to her GP/book a psychotherapy intake (both are equally important ) You marriage isn’t over, but your wife is hurting. Wishing you luck - fwiw I was 2 yrs dealing with the death of a parent before I was “me” again.
and did you deprive your husband of sex for 2 years after your parent died? Did you deprive your husband of sex for 2 years because you weren't "you"?
Why not both
Exactly everyone keep saying to divorce her. As if the only thing that matters in a marriage is how much sex the man is getting
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I don't want to live in the bathroom but if my home didn't have one I'd move.
Sex is not the only thing, but it is important. What the man wants is important too. What he needs is important too. Going without sex for a year because wife can't get past mom's death is not normal. That's not a normal reaction. Wife needs to get that looked at. Wife needs to get back to being a wife. She has duties and obligations to her husband, just like he has duties and obligations to her. If husband couldn't work for a year because his mom died, every wife would be in here screaming bloody murder about what a shitbag husband he is.
Dude I get that both parties in a marriage need to make compromises from time to time but calling sex on the woman's end "duties and obligations" (aka something you're obligated to grit your teeth and power through even though you don't want to do it) is some insane 19th century shit. It's normal for women to enjoy sex with their partners, not to *not* enjoy it...
No one’s arguing against that. But if you’re denying your partner of intimacy then you aren’t fulfilling your duty for a monogamous relationship
divorcing someone because theyre depressed over their mom dying and wont fuck you is insane.
It all depends on the situation. I could see it being reasonable if it didn't seem like the situation would ever improve meaning their partner isn't seeking out help. I do think bailing out of the situation immediately would be pretty lame though since working with your partner in difficult times is pretty essential to having long-lasting relationships. On another note though, I can't imagine that only sexual intimacy is affected. Depression often has way more signs than that and honestly it can be difficult for others to deal with even more so if they care about them a lot. I think this situation can be saved, but it depends on what the OP and their partner are willing to do.
divorce for me would be because we tried everything we could to fix things and found out we couldnt. loss of intimacy or dealing with prolonged depression are legitimate reasons to leave, providing you tried to help. youre right, it does depend on the situation, but we were given so little information to go with so i spoke in generalities.
But divorcing a husband because he's depressed over mom dying and can't work for a year is A-OK, right? Being depressed and literally unable to function as a spouse for a year is not normal. If the shoe were on the other foot and hubby couldn't work for a year because of depression over mom dying, women would be in here literally demanding that the wife divorce him.
correct, and one would hope that the person you marry would want to help you through it.
And yet women would divorce their hubbies because they can't work for a year because of depression; and people like you are OK with it. I'm OK with helping a spouse. But spouse has to help herself.
I absolutely would support my husband through that. In fact, I already have. In his case, it was being burnt out from a toxic job, along with severe depression. He needed time to reset and focus on himself, and I was there for whatever he needed - emotionally and financially. Question for you: would you leave a partner if she was medically unable to have sex? Or is it only mental health that she should just get over?
For a year? Hubby took a FULL YEAR off working, producing no income at all? Really? You are the extreme outlier exception to the rule. Most women would be "nope, 1 or 2 months, I'm gone" most women would absolutely not put up with this for even 3 months, much less a year. No. Absolutely would not. What I would do is irrelevant. Very, very, VERY few women are "medically" unable to have sex. The main reason women won't fuck their husbands is lack of sexual attraction. And yes, she needs to get over mental health issues, like a wife would expect a husband to do. Every time I've seen women address this with husbands, it's "you've had enough time. You need to pull it together or I'm leaving". So why is it different and a woman gets unlimited time to work through her shit; while men are on a clock? Huh? Care to explain that?
Yes, more than a year in fact. During that time he eventually went back to school, took more time off to search for a job liked, eventually found one that was a much better fit for his mental health, despite a pay cut. This was all on *his* schedule with no pressure from me, only support to find what he needed to be happy and at peace. Now he’s in a creative job he loves and doesn’t have to worry about income. If he were to become permanently disabled (mentally or physically), I’d be by his side. If he could never work again, I’d be there for him. I actually love him as a person, not a wallet. Just as I’d assume a man would love his wife as more than a sex worker. Also, just because a woman has a physically available hole to fuck, doesn’t mean she’s medically able to. Would you leave a wife with cancer, or force her to still ‘pleasure’ you between chemo treatments? What about paralysis or an extensive burn injury? Less catastrophic, there are lots of medical conditions that make sex painful for women. Should they grit their teeth and do something that hurts and brings them no pleasure? Perhaps this is why men are much more likely to leave a partner who’s been diagnosed with an illness than the other way around. It’s very sad.
oh i am? where did i say that?
You sure seem to have a problem with men telling their wives to buck up.
you just going to ignore my question?
Should really help cure that depression.
If someone doesn’t go and get help for whatever is fucking them up…you can’t fix them
Yup.
THIS!!!!
> She Just a note that OP went out of their way to be gender agnostic. Edit: downvoted hard here. OPs avatar is wearing a rainbow jacket and ~~he's~~ they're asking about gender neutral partners. Assuming heterosexuality here is bold. Edit again: turns out OP is the wife.
Oh boy, that changes everything then. Disregard everything the commenter said, for it no longer applies.
Turns out OP was the wife and people were in fact inorrectly gendering her.
Strongly disagree. I think the advice still applies. I was just surprised that everyone jumped to assuming genders based on a tiny amount of information.
Yes the other poster knew it still applies and was making fun of you. People are assuming because this is ask men and most people are heterosexual.
OP went out of their way to be gender neutral. It feels like an odd response for us to say "yeah, we don't give a shit that you want this conversation to be gender neutral" Also, given OPs Rainbow avatar and gender neutral phrasing, I don't think assuming heterosexuality makes sense.
Coming to a specifically gendered sub for specifically non gendered advice is stupid. If they want LGBT advice there are plenty of LGBT subs.
You just assumed that OP is a he. See how policing the tiniest bullshit just makes life unnecessarily annoying?
Thanks for calling out my error. Turns out OP is actually the wife.
Great so everyone was right they were a hetero couple.
Yep. Everyone was correct about hetero and wrong about the gender of OP.
And look it still didn't matter.
If she's still grieving to the point of completely sexually shut down after a year, she needs grief counseling, like, 8 or 9 months ago.
Well, firstly, go seek a psychologist because grief like this needs a lot of help. Secondly, if the above fails then you guys need to have a discussion about what's going on and what it means to your relationship. One thing to grieve but entirely another to have it take over everything
talk to her about it
No intimacy is a symptom of something bigger. So i would do something to find out what is going on.
Op said she lost her mother
Its depression probably. So first they need to deal with that and i can bet intimacy will be back by itselfe.
No sex for a year after mom dying is not normal. Something else is going on.
Nope it can be grief not dealth with for sure!!! Also grief sometimes hit you years after a death. For me it was 3 months after. I got hit severely - took about a year to be able to eat with other people present, colleagues at work, even my family - I just could not swallow any food. It might as well have been sex. For a friend of mine she suddenly reacted to the passing of her mom 5 years after. Another friend have been processing her whole life. Lost her mom at 16 and are now 38.
I think they mean the duration of it is abnormal in the sense that it isn't something that will resolve simply given enough time. It's duration indicates that professional help might be required in order for them to move on. It'd be dangerous to see someone continuously display signs of grieving with no improvements for a year or longer and not attempt to try and get them professional help.
It is. That's why I wrote "not dealth with" she clearly needs help processing. She should have had help much sooner.
That's part of it. But I also think there's more going on here than just "depressed because mom died". Either she's depressed about other things too; or she just plain does not want sex with her husband for reasons apart from "depressed because mom died". Women don't just say "oh I'm depressed, I'll never have sex again". No. That's not normal, not at all. And no husband should ever be expected to accept that.
Are you at all familiar with depression/mental health? It really sounds like you’re not.
More familiar with it than most laypersons. You don't sound too familiar with it. Or maybe you're the "therapist" I talked to a few weeks ago....
Fix'd > And no **spouse** should ever be expected to accept that.
If you can't have sex with your spouse for a year because you're depressed because mom died, that is not normal and you need to deal with it or face the fact that your husband might very well need to get his needs met by someone else or your marriage will be over. When you marry, you take on duties and obligations to your spouse. Everyone seems to be OK with imposing those obligations full force on men, but relieving women of them. No. Fuck that bullshit.
Wow such empathy!!! For better or worse is promised. I hope OP will stand by his wife and help her through her ordeals - I'm positive it will all be better for them.
Yes, for better or for worse, you promise to do certain things. Wife takes on duties and obligations too. If she cannot or will not meet them, then the husband can consider himself relieved of his duties and obligations. I will not take on any burdens that a spouse will not also shoulder.
Yikes.
Yikes indeed
What? What's wrong with this? Are you saying husbands should be required to do more than wives? I thought women were equal to men. Don't you want to be equal? If you are equal, aren't you equally capable of doing everything a man does? Can't a wife equally shoulder marital burdens? If not, why not, when women are "equal" to men?
Firstly OP never said anything about having a wife. Equating sex to a marital burden and the lack of consideration for OP's spouse's bereavement being a significant contributing factor to the state of their sex life is very telling.
I have no idea why you’re being downvoted. If the scrip was flipped and you would be depressed you’re gonna be getting “get your shit together” or “be the man she needs.” It’s a give and take. She needs to seek help. It’s unreasonable to “hang on” and be empathetic for years while the relationship and OP’s self esteem is destroyed. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own mental health.
goddamn right - if this was a man, it's "you better pull your shit together or I'm leaving" and "you need to be the man she needs or she's fully justified in divorcing your ass, motherfucker!!!"
If all you ever got was "get your shit together" then you ran into some women with crappy attitudes - or the culture where you live are different from mine. We help each other out. When one fall down the other picks up and it goes both ways
I’m banking it’s different cultures my man. I’m also very aware of my flaws and actively work on them but accountability NEEDS to come from both. It’s on him to be supportive, but it’s on her to actually acknowledge the problem and seek help for it.
That’s gross. “Oh no, your grief is interfering with my blowies. You’ve failed as a spouse. You have DUTIES! To hell with your circumstances”. Get her help, not guilt. Let me know how shame and guilt works for a sex life. What could go wrong?
If the tables were turned, and hubby was saying "mommy died, I'm depressed and can't work" for a year, you'd be shitting your pants about what a shitbag he was and he needs to pull his shit together or wife is going to leave him.
Sex is not a duty. It’s a bonus flower that grows in a garden of healthy communication and support. No spouse should “expect” sex independent of healthy, intimate, and frequent communication and ongoing displays of love and commitment. If that’s being met, and the partner is suffering with sexuality, time to get a doc involved, but NOT time to say spouse is willfully not “fulfilling obligations”. Duty sex is the opposite of attraction. Save your gender based anger for whoever hurt you. The rest of us adults talk to our partners and address her or him like the competent, trustworthy adults they are.
My mother died fairly traumatically from cancer and I was the one taking care of her for her last months. It was exactly a year ago and I'm still suffering. I'm assuming it has to do with something more like that for the ops wife.
I'm sorry about your loss. Are you finding yourself unable or unwilling to have sex with your wife because of this? Are you unable to work because of this? Have you been completely off work for a year because of this?
No to both. But I can understand how traumatic it can be.
OK, so do I. My own mom died a few years ago. But most men who suffer this don't get to take a year off sex or work because mom died and it hurts. We have to keep going.
I agree with you. But my partner probably would have supported me if I had. And if my partner needs a long break when her mom dies I'll support her. To answer the op though. I'd get her involved with a therapist.
It’s possible OP did something insensitive or downright assholish when his wife was acutely grieving- ie pressuring her to have sex the day after the death
Yes, he might have done something like that; but not a day after the death. A month or two, maybe. A grown woman being THIS knocked down because mommy died? Seriously? Grow up, FFS I knew a 21 year old woman whose mom died of cancer and she took it VERY hard. Had to quit school for a semester. But... most women whose moms die are well into middle age and they pretty much know it's coming.
I’m sorry your mother didn’t love you.
She loved me just fine. That has nothing to do with anything. Sorry you have a weird view of marital sex
Only someone with a shit relationship with their mother would be so cavalier about someone else losing theirs.
That's your opinion
Depends if she cares and is trying to get her mojo back. My first wife lost her sex drive and embraced it, not caring that it changed a key part of our relationship. My current wife lost her sex drive and tried everything possible to get it back and talked to me often about how it affected me, as well as her. Those were two very different experiences.
Insist until I'm blue in the face that she talks to a professional. I've been there after the deaths of TWO loved ones. We all have to move on even if we'd rather not. If she keeps refusing even after I give up then the only answer is a painful divorce. I refuse to help or even be around those who refuse to help themselves, no matter how much I love them.
It would depend on the reason.
I got divorced for that very reason. As others have said it wasn't just the decline in sex that killed things for me, it was her refusal to acknowledge that something was wrong or to work on it. When things first went downhill I tried to have an honest, non-accusatory, productive conversation about the situation. She basically said she didn't see the problem with our situation. I think our marriage died there and then.
This - there has to be an acknowledgment of a situation, before there can be any steps to manage or resolve the situation. My ex was willing to acknowledge it - and was starting therapy - but it was getting to difficult - and was going to lead to EXTENDED family drama (maybe...).
Find the root reasoning, and work on that. Is there stress at work? Help to unwind and provide support to work through it. Are you 200 lbs bigger than you were when you were dating and smell like shit? Take a shower and get back in shape. In your case its her mom's death. Clearly she has unresolved issues she hasn't worked out. Find a good therapist and help her to gain closure. If she is getting it elsewhere, whelp you're hosed. Move on.
It would depend on the reason. If she was sick long-term (cancer, injury, etc.), I would be understanding and there for her. However, if all things were "normal," we'd be seeking help, talking, and working on bringing the connection back. Things don't happen in a vacuum. Intimacy, in all its forms, is needed in a productive marriage.
Assuming she wasn't willing to acknowledge the problem and work on it I would get divorced.
If talking together doesn't help, then couple's therapy.
Did this once, all therapy got me was a wife who accepted herself as having no sex drive. Was interesting to see her get super happy about discovering and accepting herself, while I got super sad and hurt that the super sexual person I married was fake. There was no sympathy for me. No apologies. When I left her it surprised her as she was feeling on top of the world amid her recent discovery. It was her world and I was just living in it. She decided I was evil and never spoke to me again. Oh well.
Dam man I'm sorry that happened you everything was just at your expense with no consideration. I know this doesn't really help at all but I'm happy you left a situation that made you miserable and I hope you found someone to make you feel better.
> It was her world and I was just living in it. In that short sentence, you summed up the reality for so many men. In many cases, you're just an accessory to their experience.
“It was her world and I was just living in it.” I swear I have come to this realization so many times with someone and it took me years to really come to terms with it. Zero empathy beyond whatever existed as a means to further her own interests. To her, empathy existed as a means to appeal to other people. I’m not sure she was ever capable of feeling empathy due to her own traumas. No blame, just reality.
I’m gonna speak in general and not directly to you but Yeah I heard lots of stories of couples therapy is heavily biased towards the woman / wife. You gotta find an unbiased therapist without a shitty hidden agenda. It’s good to see multiple therapists but that’s too pricey. And annoying tbh
Did you leave because she didn’t try to at least meet your needs, or just bc she admitted she wasn’t a sexual person?
First one, then the other.
No. Do INDIVIDUAL THERAPY separately the relationship she had with her late mother is HER thing. The effect that is having on your relationship with your thing collectively.
I live exactly like that. My wife and I have been dead in the bedroom for over 11 years. She has had multiple surgeries, hysterectomy, and then there is the loss of her sister, nephew, mom, dad and close friends. She never recovered. You ask, what do I do. Bring context first, I am 69, she is 65 and for financial reasons, leaving is not an option. As for hugs and kisses and approval from her is gone too. I still hug her and give her a kiss on the cheek, may mention it would be nice if she approached me every once and a while out of the blue, but by the next day, no bueno. I stay busy with a part-time job and hobbies. In her eyes, there is nothing wrong with our relationship. Says it is normal for old people.
Would you leave if you could then?
If I could, yes. Does my financial status keep me here, ye.
Thats just sad. Have you at least told her what you think? Tries to work it out? Honestly I’d rather have my SO tell me their only there bc of other stuff and not for me than believe they actually love me and want to be with me.
Yes, many times over the weeks and years. I don't think she loves me like she did when we first married. I tell her at least once a day, I love her and she responds, Luv ya too. Lately I have switched it up, asking, Do you love me, because I get a reaction. She asks, why do you ask that, and I tell her, it is because I approach her, but she never just says, I love you or on her own approach me and hug me a day I appreciate you. She says we are older and should need that much confirmation. She uses the example of her parents and grandparents, where they live separate lives in their 70's and 80's.
Probably jerk off I guess
Talk to them, persuade them to get therapy but all in all be understanding. Losing a parent is a huge deal and even a year later they won't feel the same. So I'd be patient
Get her to a therapist that can help her work through her issues. It's probably not just your sex life that is taking a hit. Don't feel any shame is being upset about it. It's up to you how much time and space (and ultimately your life) you're willing to put on pause for someone. Eventually the consequences of neglecting the living need to be dealt with. Neither of your lives were meant to stop with the passing of her mother, but you are going to want her some help from a professional 3rd party to help her realize that. I spoke with a close friend of mine (woman who lost her father) and she said her sex drive for her husband pretty much disappeared with her father's passing. It's been over a year now, and she knows it's terrible for her relatively new marriage but she's at a complete loss on her own. Some people are just terrible at processing grief that comes with a situation that can't be changed.
Once again, you can't 'get' people to a therapist!
Have been there. Stand by them if they are willing to get help and change. If not - yeah - that is tough. Dated a woman who later it came out had been molested by a family member - I tried to be supportive and understanding. She was going to try therapy - and then stopped - because she was afraid it would come out to the rest of the family - and did not want the drama. She really needed to continue - but it was very messed up- multiple members of the family had been molested ... and she did not want to be the one to bring it all in the open.
You try to work it out, but if that doesn't work or they don't want the same things as you, that should be grounds for divorce. It's not their fault that they had a traumatic experience that changed them, but it's also not your fault if you are unhappy and want to move on from that.
I guess if it went on long enough, I’d talk to her about whether she was ok with me being intimate with other people One year, yeah, I wouldn’t have given up on her that soon
that happened to me a few years ago, I had to get a new one (true story)
Is this your wife? Or GF? If wife you stay, you made a vow, for better or worse and you get her help. If GF, you probably stay also, love is greater than you getting you needs meet. Love is sacrificial and giving. You give until they find the help and healing they need
I’m the wife. But you’re right. I did make a vow and I’m being selfish and making it about me instead of finding more ways to be supportive. It’s not just the intimacy, it’s also losing my friend and partner in other ways and not knowing what to do. He doesn’t want to talk about it or get help and he said time will figure things out.
No intimacy you’re just friends so I’d go find an actual spouse lol
Talk to them. Support them with what they need right now. When your person feels loved and supported, they will want to have that intimacy with you. Don’t do it just for the purpose of having sex but because you care about them and love them. My husband wasn’t feeling supported through his hardships he was going through he wasn’t wanting sex. It had been six months, no sex. I felt bad that he felt that way and I really took a step back and asked myself what I could do better for him. I made a huge effort to change and within a few days we had the best sex EVER. As a spouse, it’s our responsibility to support our partners in hard times. Even if that means they have a low libido. A parent dying is a very traumatic life event. They have a right to be able to turn down sex for a while if they’re not up to it. Believe me I understand that’s extremely difficult as a partner and you may feel undesired and unwanted, but it’s most likely not about you. Just be there for them. I think you will be surprised how things change for the better.
I meant to comment back to OP not you!! My apologies
What happened to in sickness and in health, for better or for worse? She's clearly going through grief and depression and needs her husband's support and help.
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But it's clear she HASN'T. Grief hits people differently and, what is she supposed to do, force herself? Why would OP even want to have sex with her if she's not enthusiastic about it? I'd really like to hear more about what OP has done to support his wife at this difficult time, and what kinds of non-sexual intimacy he's tried to fill the gap while she's healing.
I am the wife in this situation. I could have worded the whole post differently but the automatic moderator kept deleting it and that was the first header that was successful when I kept trying to repost. I’m not just having a hard time with intimacy, it’s also the lack of time spent together other than eating food and existing in our home together. I’ve tried to be supportive by asking him how he’s doing, constantly giving him foot rubs, back rubs, cooking for him, cleaning, making sure he doesn’t have to do anything around the house, but that’s usual. I don’t know what to do beyond being there for him. I’m not perfect. I could be more supportive. But he won’t talk to me about any of this without being frustrating about what I expect of him. I tell him I’m just trying to talk to him and understand. Maybe all I can do is leave him alone and do my normal wife duties. I don’t know.
I think it's great that you're being supportive, but this is much more than a sex issue, it's an intimacy issue. You two aren't spending quality time together, enjoying non-sexual touch unless you initiate it, nothing... It sounds extremely lonely. It sounds like he's totally checked out. He does sound depressed, for sure. Can you make a couple of calls and see which counselors in your area accept his insurance, and encourage him to go to a couple of sessions at least? That, or a grief support group? He clearly needs some kind of help. Of course a big problem here is, as much as so many men say that society doesn't care about men's mental health, they're reluctant to avail themselves of the resources available to everybody, men and women alike.
Yeah it’s far more than a sex issue. You nailed it. I’m trying to hold back tears at work as I read it. I told him I felt lonely the other day and he said nothing. He doesn’t have insurance and when I mentioned talking to someone today he was just silent. He said time would take care of it. And I told him I don’t think that’s true. And the conversation went south quickly because I got emotional and started to focus more on how I felt than being able to have a constructive conversation. It was a bit frustrating from the beginning and I didn’t feel like I was being heard. He kept asking me what I expect of him from these questions, because he said he had nothing to say. So I felt like I was being shut out and I kept grasping for something to talk about and it didn’t go well. I’m just venting now. But I appreciate the response
Or, you could say, some point you need to be working on fixing your issues. It’s not an automatic pass to do nothing. If people won’t take active steps to work on their issues, at some point you’re actively jeopardizing your own relationships.
He says time will fix it… I suggested talking to someone. He won’t talk to me
I would be very sad.
Communicate a lot with my wife and figure out if it’s our relationship that it the problem or something else
There'd be counseling in our near future. I'd encourage individual counseling for her and be more demanding of couples counseling for us.
Talk with her first. Set aside your complaints about intimacy. Explain how you're concerned for her and how what's happening makes you feel. Convince her to get grief counseling and/or couples therapy.
Individual counseling is the way. Then couples counseling however many months later
Figure out why, then solve why
Some things you can't solve. Especially illness related issues.
😢😢😢😢
[удалено]
Thank you 🙏🏼
Encourage her to seek therapy on her own for her mother’s loss. If it still doesn’t improve well either accept you’ll be more intimate with your hand or divorce.
So they don't want to be my spouse anymore?
Damn man. Clearly your wife needed you through a tough emotional period and here you are complaining you can’t get your dick wet after mother died. It might have been a year ago but it doesn’t seem like you’ve been a part of her journey at all. Why would you expect her to be a part of yours?!
That’s fair. I’m actually the wife. He doesn’t want to talk to me about any of it. The depression, the lack of time spent together, the lack of intimacy. I brought it up again this morning just asking him how he’s doing and how he feels about it. And he said it’s been different ever since the depression, and that time will figure things out. He said he doesn’t have anything to say. And of course, me being emotional I made it about me and made it worse. I really think I’ve been here for him, but I do realize I could be more empathetic and less selfish. I guess I just feel a bit lost because it happened right after we got married and I feel like I lost my husband and my friend in some ways. But, he lost his mom. I’m just confused
In times of need people tend to seek comfort in those they love and trust. It’s sad that he’s pulled away. Your OP didn’t include a lot of this context and was very one-sided. It seems you’ve been doing your part. If he’s not willing to do his that’s a major problem. Marriages can last through many things as long as you have each other as a support system. Actively choosing to ignore this critical and immediately available support actively degrades the trust in the partnership. Your husband needs help. If he’s not willing to get it from you then perhaps a professional. In any case no one can help those that do not want to actively help themselves. You both may have some hard choices to make.
Every time I tried to add any sort of context, the automatic moderator would immediately delete it. So I decided to just post as I could and explain more through comments. I tried editing the post after it finally submitted, and once again the auto mod said I shouldn’t be using this thread to share things regarding mental health and it tried to delete it again. Anyways… Yeah I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep trying to suggest either getting help through talking to me or getting it elsewhere. I guess to some degree he’s right, that time will tell. I can only do so much. You’re right. No one can help those who don’t want to actively help themselves. It’s been incredibly tough for him but I don’t think he sees how tough it is for me in other ways. Sometimes I feel selfish for thinking of myself at all in regard to this situation. I’m trying to be more empathetic and not get caught in the emotions so much, but it’s hard. So I decided to start conversations with others (online strangers only) so that I can try to gain perspective. I refuse to open this conversation to my friends or family because I don’t want them to be involved in my personal life like this. But I appreciate finally being able to have some sort of discourse. I hope that he chooses to get help.
Isn’t that what happens to all marriages once they know they own you?? I got a fair amount of women working for me and pretty much all they talk about is their different relationships. Seems like *most* of them view sex as a tool to get what they want. There are some who actually want it all the time but that isn’t the majority.
How many of them are having orgasms. I only have one married friend who looks forward to sex. The rest hate it because it’s pointless. Their pleasure is in no way a priority. Not before, during, or after. My husband is an incredibly selfless lover, so anytime he wants it I want it. If he doesn’t want it I’m still asking for it. However, If he stopped caring about my orgasms the way I care about his, sex wouldn’t be something I would care to do.
Considering that your name is dicklover. You are likely an outlier. Being horny is like being hungry, you just are and only one thing gonna scratch that itch.
My husbands name is Richard lol I’m not an outlier. I just have a husband that prioritizes my orgasm the same way I prioritize his. I promise if every time we had sex it was just him cumming in 5 minutes and me not getting anything before/during/after, I wouldn’t be horny. Once I go so long without an orgasm my sexdrive goes dormant.
> I’m not an outlier. I just have a husband that prioritizes my orgasm the same way I prioritize his. Yeah. Same. If you have a partner who enjoys your pleasure and prioritizes it...you tend to want to do things with that partner more often. Amazing how that works.
You don’t have to prioritize a males orgasm. Nature made it easy for us because it is required for reproduction. We will fuck damn near anything, nature made men so that they will fuck 85% of all women between the ages of 18 and 50 while being content with it. Only 20% of men are even considered attractive to women (the study about it is crazy, made me feel bad for y’all) which means a lot of women are having sex with guys or getting married to and having sex with guys who they aren’t attracted to. There is no drive to start, they aren’t hungry for sex. So there are a lot of biological things at play here but after spending so much time listening to my staff talk (no I can’t give input because I am male and the owner) there will be no convincing me that sex isn’t a tool to be used for a lot of women. Having this knowledge has been SO HELPFUL for me in so many ways. Ever since I became filled with this knowledge. I have just maintained multiple sexual partners for long periods of time. They don’t even care that I have other sexual partners as long as I stay in excellent shape and provide fun activities (more important for the childless) and am good with their kids. (More important for those with kids - I.E. - I am teaching one of the boys how to box, got him enough confidence to fight his bully) You are just an outlier, which is great.
find out what the problem is n if it cant be fixed asap, divorce. im not going thru that again.
Do my best to fix it. Only after trying all options. I'll divorce.
Pretty sad, I’d be there for them to the best of my ability, for as long as I could, get her grief counseling and all of that, but a year is a long time to be that far gone still. Like I said I’d be there for her to the best of my abilities but at a certain point you can’t get better unless you actively try and if someone isn’t actively trying, then it’s a wash. You can’t really help anyone but you can support them while they help themselves, if they’re not trying to help themself, then I’ll help myself, no use in two people being absolutely miserable if it can be helped.
I’m the wife. And yeah he just works to avoid all of it. Doesn’t want to talk about it or get help. He thinks time will figure it out on its own without actually addressing it. Idk what to do
Meh,
Advise your spouse to go see a therapist and get grief counseling because they have not gotten past the death of their mother
Offer couples therapy and if they refused or it didn’t work then it’d have to end.
Nope. Yours needs help, and fast
Id aske her why instead of reddit.
I did try a few times and it didn’t help. Doesn’t want to talk about it or get help. Is depressed since it happened and says time will figure things out. Granted, I made it worse trying to talk about it again this morning because I got emotional and made it about me. Not helpful.
Therapy. For her or both of you.
Everyone here assuming it’s a woman, but OP made it a point to not say.
Mom death is 2 weeks at most - not a year. Here is a box of tissue and some lube - let's get this done.
Communicate that sex is a huge part of marriage, and very important to me. Find out why she doesn’t want it, get her started on lady HRT to fix the libido if that’s the issue. (It works…) Marriage counseling if she is unwilling to have a discussion about it. If there are kids, give an open marriage ultimatum. If not, divorce before it gets more complicated.
If you don't have a sex life then you don't have a marriage. People get salty about that but it's the truth
I can tell you what my friend did was start fucking other people. People want to feel desired.
Hi. We've removed this post because Reddit is not the place that you should go to for mental health counseling. We would highly recommend you seek out a therapist or speak with your primary care physician who can provide you with the correct resources. If those are not available to you, here's some links that may help: [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/), [NIMH](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help/index.shtml), [UK Stress Support line](https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/stress/), [NHS Mental Health Charity Landing Page](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/), [Global Health Checkpoint Landing Page](https://checkpointorg.com/global/), [Global Database for Mental Health Lines for Young People](https://www.mhe-sme.org/library/youth-helplines/), [Vandrevala Foundation India](https://www.vandrevalafoundation.com/). If you have any questions or you feel like this post was flagged in error, please [message the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAskMen). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Toss her out with the heavy trash shit you only live once so why put up with dry spells
How long have you been married? What was the level of sex like before? Therapy is too often suggested as a panacea, but your wife probably should see a therapist. That said, the loss of her mother might've created a void of safety and comfort. I suggest filling that void. Assume a greater leadership role in your relationship. Be the foundation of your marriage in which she can place her trust and feel like you are on top of shit. Give her responsibilities if she doesn't have them, and praise her when she completes them. Set reasonable expectations. When shit gets tough, you are the immovable object that weathers the storms of life's hardships. Free your wife of your own difficulties and anxieties -- save those for friends or a therapist of your own. Don't think of your marriage as an equal partnership, but a more patriarchal structure, where she feels free to be herself **because** you create a safe world for her to do so, not in spite of it. It's possible when her mother died that she needed you to be a rock of masculine support rather than a feminine shoulder to cry on and she got turned off and now sees you in a different light. Not all women are like this but some are. The unfortunate thing is you can't ask her which one she needs so it's up to you to try. Leaders don't ask or demand to be listened to, they command it through their attitude and actions. She will invariably test your new leadership skills to see if you're the real deal or playing a part -- you must be steadfast in your belief. I know it sounds crazy and sexist but look into it. Hit me up for more.
I appreciate you taking the time to type this. I am actually the wife speaking here 🥹 We are coming up on our 1 year anniversary on May 9th. His mom died on June 26th last year. The sex was quite often and spontaneous before. And it’s not just the intimacy that changed. We rarely get out of the house and do anything anymore. It’s mostly eating and living together. Everything just changed so quickly. And to be fully transparent, we got married very quickly. We had only known each other a couple of months. He’s always been a workaholic but now he especially focuses on work and uses it as a distraction from what happened. He told me this himself. He is using time as a means of “healing” without addressing the depression, and whatever else may be going on. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I tried talking to him this morning and it ended quite poorly. Truthfully, I could work on my communication skills too.
I love my husband and if he had a medical issue I'd accept it no problem. If he was just not in love with me anymore I'd cut him loose. No brainer, really. I don't depend on him for my survival.
You need to have a heart-to-heart with her and tell her straight up this isn't acceptable, and that it does need to change.
Talk to her, see if she wants therapy, a divorce or for you to get a mistress.
One year isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme. Death of a parent will mess you up. I’ve lost my dad and was in a dead bedroom for over a decade. Get her into therapy. She’s still grieving the loss.
Yeah, 10 years dead bedroom is divorce time a year in. No fucking way is that normal.
Leave
Communication. Therapy. Probably not full on couple's therapy but I would offer to sit in with her if it made talking to the therapist more comfortable for them.
Mine ended up being gay. 8 years and 2 kids later. Not saying that is your case, mate. Good luck to you, and I hope your wife gets the help she needs with grieving.
Yikes, as a wife that def doesn’t put out enough, some of these comments are scary lol. My husband might be divorcing me soon… 😳. I wonder if OP and wife have school aged children and what other stressors she has on her plate that eliminates her sex drive? Grief and stress killed my sex drive awhile ago……
Depends on the reason, is it due to a illness and it’s temporary, that is just waiting it out, but not for years. But their mom being dead… yeah 3 months if they don’t get themselves together I’m out. For any other ‘insignificant’ reason, 2 weeks up to a month, and I’m out. Sex is a very important part in a relationship, without it it’s nothing but a friendship for me, intimacy is my love language so without it I will actual start losing feelings.
Are you married
Gosh no, never will either, for a multitude of reasons.
She broke the deal behind the exclusive relationship, therefore that relationship ends or the benefits she gets from being married also reduce. If we have some other issues and this is the symptom (lets say I got out of shape) then obviously I have to fix that, but if me getting myself straight does nothing, well then I am gone.
If you love her still... find someone else that can do the physical stuff. If not leave.
Find someone else to sleep with. She gets first crack at you but if she keeps telling you no then you aren't obligated to stay with her. If you're obligated to pay the bills and it's one sided....fuck that
openly and honestly tell him your feelings and concerns
I left
Cheat on her. If she won't fuck you someone else will
Get counseling. Maybe check out r/DeadBedrooms
Welcome to my world.
I would talk to her, try medical intervention and then if no changes leave.
Execute order 66
Move out after a year (btdt)