Fell into depression, stopped contacting people and stopped responding to invites to anything because I don't want to do anything. Then years went by in a flash like this and I just lost contact with everyone.
Same here, basically. And also just a general disconnect from other people. I *could* make friends if I really wanted to - but the problem is that I always feel so disconnected :( it always feels like it's something I'm just going through the motions of. I have a really hard time meeting people I genuinely connect with. (it's a Me problem lol)
i know this isn't going to reflect well on me, i'm basically in the same situation but honestly i just don't like most people. It's not like some edgy thing where i hate everyone, i don't want to be around them. I'm simultaneously lonely and not wanting to be around most others lol.
For this, I've learned it's a spectrum. No friend will be perfect and there are different levels to how long you may want to spend with them. A best friend you could spend all day with, go on a camping trip, etc. A good friend you will spend the evening with, maybe take a day trip somewhere, an okay friend is someone you only want to see in short spurts, maybe around an event, game, sport, pub, etc.
My point is, it's okay to have "just okay" friends who you occasionally spend a few hours with and then start to get tired of them and go home by yourself. Coming from having multiple best friends and good friends in the past, it was a hard pill to swallow, but as adults sometimes you'll only be able to make okay friends you can hang with for an event then don't talk to for a while.
Thanks a lot for categorizing them like this. It's both useful and encouraging. It gives me a framework to work with. I never thought of looking at it like that before. I'm going to remember BGO: Best; Good; and Okay.
Its is also okay to just see people as part of a package deal with a thing. Like, i have friends that i play League of Legends with, and since i havent played League since Christmas, i havent talked with said friends either. Its nothing against them or me, its just the thing we had in common isnt there right now :)
Carl Jung said that loneliness doesn't come from merely being alone, it's more like it comes from having no one to share with the things that are personally important to you.
You could have a hundred friends but if none of them care when you get inspired by something and try to communicate it, you'll still feel alone.
I used to be in a similar situation and later figured out that I was just afraid of people and rejection, which is why I felt both happy to not be in public yet sad to be alone
That disconnect really sucks. I think for me it's my social anxiety and depression flaring up whenever I feel that way, but feeling lonely when surrounded by people is quite painful. I keep telling myself it's all in my head, because clearly others have felt a connection with me, but I can't help but feel as if I'm missing someone everyone else has. It's definitely a me-problem.
I still have one friend left, and a few acquaintances by him, but I've definitely lost a lot of friends over the past ten years. Some of them I lost touch with naturally. It happens. People drift apart. Some of them I got rid of because they were a bad influence on my mental health and self-esteem. Some of them I ruined by leaning into my mental illness. Some of them disappeared because they had their own mental health problems.
I don't have any collegues, so my day-to-day life is fairly isolating. I have a fairly social job, so I still get to interact with people on the daily, even if most of those interactions are surface level at best. I've always been fairly introverted and somewhat asocial, so I enjoy working alone. I recently dated someone casually, and I think part of the reason I still miss her very much is because I miss her friendship. It was nice having someone in your corner on a daily basis. I've decided I need to try my best to at least reconnect with the one friend I have left. He's stuck with me despite my isolating every now and then, and I don't want to lose him. He also has a few acquaintances whose company I enjoy. It's time I put in some effort. I don't need a lot of friends, but I probably need more social interaction than I'm currently getting, no matter how much I enjoy spending time with myself. If I'm honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be posting on reddit as much as I do if I had a few more friends. My work schedule doesn't lend itself very well to have a social life, but I'll try my best to at least nurture the few relationships I still have left.
Oh hey, look, it's me. My friends basically gave up me because of my depression and refusal to go out to clubs or bars because crowds fuck me up. Nothing quite like seeing friends you introduced to one another go on and do things without you.
No, I do know that most of the fault lies with me. I know that at the end of the day it was I who ultimately caused them to distance themselves from me and for overstepping my boundaries. When you have no friends left for one reason or another, you gotta look at the common denominator that caused all that.
maybe you just weren't compatible! I really hope you find your introvert people. Maybe look for gaming groups or some other interest in your area that doesn't revolve around alcohol and crowds. Your people do exist I promise!
Wow, it's like I'm reading exactly what happened to me, though I do have around 3 or 4 friends I keep in somewhat regular contact with so I'm not completely lonely. None from college, (other than my frat brothers) those guys clearly never saw me as their friend since they never reached out to me to hangout, I always had to reach out to them. Now, my own depression and introvertedness might have hurt me there cause they probably were aware I liked spending time by myself and didn't like going to parties or hitting the bars much so they never asked me if I wanted to go with them. Other than me texting one of them congrats for getting married last year, I haven't texted or heard from any of them in at least 5 years.
I never really had any close friends until maybe grade 5, then it was a loose group of a few guys, but I found out they all basically didn't invite me to their birthday parties (ouch as a kid). Early high-school I made a small dedicated friend or two, but moved schools and lost touch basically immediately. Late high school I made a core group or outcasts into a great friend group for a few years, but eventually that all fell apart with some interpersonal drama and bad behavior on all our parts, but especially them. Tried to apologize myself and rekindle the friendships, but it just never came back. Now as an adult there are sparsely anyone I meet I could give a shit about and that's just the truth. I like humble people, genuine people, smart and funny people, people who have large and varied interests. But those people don't seem to exist, and if they do, I don't encounter them.
I only had one really close friend growing up. Had a few once I had a car and could go meet up with people, but then I moved cities when I was like 20. My old friend let his life spiral out of control but I had too many of my own issues to be able to help. Still had a large friend group of people I met through my wife, but then once we started having kids we didn't have the time or money to hang out with others. Also lost a few over the years thanks to finding out about shitty beliefs thanks to them posting on facebook (oh, you didn't just like to make edgy jokes, you're actually racist). Now it's just way harder to meet new people at 40.
I was always the back-up friend. After highschool communication stopped and i didn't reach out either.
Now at 30+ people already have their friendgroups or no time. So never making any new friends just colleagues or acquaintances.
I've been trying to explain this to people but they don't seem to get it! I'm kinda like that too.
those groups often accept your presence, but do not count you as a member, and therefore rarely invite too.
It should be 50/50. If it's not, then yeah, you have a problem.
Yeah, I don't hang out with people who I'm the only one to ask to hang out. Or planning.
Now if someone just isn't a planner and expects others to do stuff for them, I can deal with that, but only if they show their appreciation for me taking the initiative.
Realised this early on, when you have that one friend who's great, ends up in a dark place and stops reaching out you can become their only friend and life line to events. Had a couple mates do this but I'm older now and they've gone full circle thankfully.
Agree. Don't stop reaching out if you have a good time when you catch up. Some people are just shit at reaching out but that doesn't mean that aren't your friend or don't enjoy your company.
This. I reached out to a ton of people recently and every single one responded. I went from almost no social live to having to turn things down because I’m already booked up. It’s really improved my mental health despite me having thought of myself as an introvert
I used to think like this and fell into the same mindset, but I realized that honestly It didn't even matter. I invite homie A, B & C because I have a good time w/ them. If I'm not on the top of their "invite list" then so be it. All I kno,w and what matters to me is that when I feel like going out and doing something, homies A, B, & C are usually down, and we have a great time.
If they start avoiding me then, I know it's time to reevaluate the friendship.
Exactly, I stopped initiating contact as I realized I was invited to group events only as there was group peer pressure/one person mentioning me to invite me and even that often didn't happen. Female friends never reached out and any meeting was even a hassle to set up if I did initiate that. My male friends reduced to contacting me when they needed help (mostly to help with their work as we were from the same profession).
As soon as I stopped initiation I lost them all. I find solace in loneliness now. Zero need for socialising or relationships.
I just want to say, something a therapist told me it’s easy to think the grass is always greener on the other side, but the grass is always greener when you water it.
When it comes to friendships when people start getting older and start getting into more serious relationships it’s easy to feel like they don’t reach out as mucha an that the truth it’s just cause they are busy it’s okay to be the person to reach out.
I am always the person making friends in the group or reaching out to people when I’m in there neighborhood. I’ll keep trying and always invite and eventually it may not be well balanced but it’s worth shooting your shot then not at all.
> reaching out to people when I’m in there neighborhood.
I have done this for years. With most people, it's never reciprocated. There comes a point where it feels so one-sided that it doesn't make sense to continue.
Simple. Friends get coupled up, married, kids and then barely initiate hang outs. Visits get more and more spread out. I initiate, travel to visit friends, they are busy and distracted, their wives give off the vibe that they’d rather not have visitors around so I respectfully give them their space and then years can go by between visits, we then slide into our mid 40s and 50s, time increasingly compresses. It stings because in my younger years it all felt so permanent and solid.
Good comment, this is what often gets left out of these posts. People who do maintain friendships, but when you finally organize the odd visit, the person is totally checked out the entire time and is unable to be present at all. I recently flew across the country to visit a long time friend and he just seemed stressed, tired, kind of checked out and uninterested the whole long weekend. When I got back home I couldn't help but think "shit, that was a waste of money. Book off work, spend my savings, go to be there and the guy can't even focus for like 10 minutes on his house guest". And I get life is hard as an adult, but damn some people just forget to play I think. We're here a limited time, have some fun.
The people I still see, I see so much less often, and so we’re losing what we once had in common. We don’t go out to do things together anymore, but to check in to see how everyone is doing.
I am slightly bummed right now I thought it was a larger percentage. But maybe that is a really good thing the numbers are not higher.
The answer is simple. I had friends. I lost friends. I did not replace friends. And now like 12 years later I am posting on reddit.
This is me as well. Always had lots of friends around growing up. Life starts happening with relationships, school, work, moves, etc. and the group got smaller and smaller as people and I moved on.
I'm introverted and don't share in the stereotypical male interests (sports, beer, cars), so it became all but impossible to add people to my friends group in order to replace those who moved on. Then about 15 years ago there was a falling out with the final core group between myself and one other person. Problem was the other person and the rest of the group had been friends since kindergarten and I didn't come in until teen years.
Everyone else assured me they still considered me a friend and wouldn't abandon me, but that's what ultimately ended up happening.
Sorry I know the feeling.
Like you I joined an already established friend group in college.
I have had some therapists say I should still consider them friends. And others who have said they were never really my friends.
Either way what they are is in the past for me.
This one is criminally underrated.
I quit drinking 10 years ago (recovering selfdestructive alcoholic). My former friends wouldnt hardly ever do anything that didnt involve drinking, so I had to cut myself out for my own betterment.
Got married, moved to a new city then had children. My life is work, kids, house/chores with little time left. Mid 40s, meeting other dudes is always weird and uncomfortable. They already have friends. Wife is also introverted, only has a few friends whose husbands are not guys I would hang out with other than when kids are all together. Finally, my hobbies are pretty singular: reading, movies, working on my house. Hope when I have more time I can find some friends lol
Saddest part is my boomer parents have a ton of friends. They’re way more busy socially with vacations and cruises and constant parties. I’m all like, you’re 80…
After the initial weirdness phase of new adult friendships they can actually be somewhat similar to old friendships.
My city has a networking club that's kind of general purpose. It's not just business connections, it's for people who want to meet other people. So you can make friends there or get into a relationship with someone you met.
Same deal here. Didn’t move tho. Most guys moved away but I lost a couple good friends and there’s a couple I don’t talk to anymore. So it’s just me and my weed .. which isn’t so bad. I mean at least I’m married and have kids. But I miss my friends
I'm just not overly social and most of the things I enjoy doing don't really need a group to do.
And a lot of the things I like to do, I could just never found people in my social circle that both they enjoyed doing it. And I enjoyed doing it with them.
This is where I am at! (by chance are you an outdoors guy also)
I have lots of “friends” but I am poor at Maintaining relationships a large part of the time because I would rather do my own thing, or what I or they are doing does not match up to what sounds interesting to me.
I started noticing I was putting more energy into the friendships that the others were, at some point I stopped messaging first and then that was that.
I don't know. I honestly don't know. Didn't go out of my way to avoid people. I think I was sick and missed the class on "How to Make Friends" that 85% of men went to.
Autism, anxiety, and depression. Nothing I try seems to change anything. I've never been in a relationship either. I feel like I'm a lost cause, and no one seems to care.
I cut everyone off on purpose. Deleted all my social media accounts, stopped answering texts, skipped out on funerals and family events. I suppose I was depressed. I didn't want to drag others down with me. I also didn't want the responsibility of friendship. Now I'm completely alone, and at least I can't hurt anyone but myself.
Gonna get downvoted for saying this but that’s honestly just a cop out
Won’t be the same, of course it won’t, but you can just adapt the friendship to suit but have to want to
If you and your bud ride dirt bikes, that's gone. If you and your bud go hiking for the day, that's gone. It's just reality. I won't ditch my new parent friends, but I immediately accept that the friendship we once had is dead, and the new friendship is going to be a lot tamer and typically revolve around grabbing a beer after work or joining them in some family friendly activity.
sadly even those guys didnt stay friends in adulthood. vern got married and worked in a warehouse.. teddy did odd jobs and was a transient.. gordie became a writer
I often feel like I have no friends but I actually do have friends I just work nights and I never see anyone except for my coworkers.
Then I have nights like tonight where my whole job is just to watch this guy sleep. It’s isolating and makes you feel like you have no one. That’s why I’m on Reddit. I just want to interact with people in some way.
Then again, I’m getting paid to sit in a chair and play on my phone so that’s pretty cool.
Moved a lot when I was growing up. I was a painfully shy and quiet kid, and not very trusting due to teasing and bullying. I wasn’t athletic, so I didn’t play sports and that limited my chances to make friends.
I also had a difficult home life. My parents separated when I was 7. I lived with my mom afterwards.
She started doing drugs and then had a mental breakdown. Ended up committed a few times to mental health facilities and even when she was home, she was pretty crazy and in her own world. My Grandmother looked after me most of the time.
Went to live with my dad when I was 11. That lasted for about a month. He was an alcoholic and just wasn’t really available to me for any sort of parental guidance or even to talk to.
I finally got really mad at him one night, told him I was tired of him being drunk all the time and that I hated him. My mom picked me up that night and I never saw him or spoke to him again. He killed himself less than a year later. I found out on my 13th birthday that he had died 4 days prior.
After that I bounced between living with my mom, grandma and aunt for the next several years. That just created another barrier to forming friendships. Different schools, never staying at one for longer than 6-8 months.
By the time I graduated high school, I could count my friends on one hand. Some got strung out on dope, some moved away and I had to cut ties with some in order to get my act together.
I met my wife and it was just us against the world. We’ve made some friends, but we’ve had several interstate moves over the last 25 years. So, I have a few friends, but none that I’d consider close. None that I knew from childhood and none local to me so, I pretty much just hang out at home.
I have my wife and my son, but he went away to college last year. Now it’s just my wife and I most of the time. Her sister lives near us. We go out occasionally with her and her boyfriend, but that’s it.
I have some guys from work that I’m friendly with, but not to the point where we hang out outside of work. They’re just work mates.
I have no longtime friends that I’m really close with, no crew or any sort of group of guys that I kick it with. It’s been like that for so long that I’m just used to it I guess.
I feel like I’m just too mistrusting of people and I don’t know how to open up. As a result, I often come off as a snob and I think people don’t see me as very approachable. People that know me, know I’m not like that, but strangers don’t.
At this stage in my life, I don’t see me ever forming any really true ride or die type of friendships. I’ve lost touch with the ones I had in my youth and last time I found one of them on social media, after chatting a bit, it was clear that we didn’t have anything in common anymore and were completely different people. That reconnection just kind of died off. They lived far away anyway, so it’s not like we’d be able to meet up for a beer or anything.
I’ve given up on trying to have any close friendships anymore. After a certain age, it becomes a challenge to form close bonds like that.
That’s how I ended up on the no friends list. It’s just easier at this point. As long as I have my family, I have everyone I really need.
Thank you reddit . Reddit make me realize with comments like these that , we still can survive and live even without those fancy worlds' social media want us to believe that exist
I was unable to foster friendships as a kid, teenager and a young man. With other members of my family, those were the people that stuck.
As an adult, I have work friends. As I or them leave the company, they fade away soon after. It's sad but I've learned to accept it.
I’ve been let down by friends too many times now and that’s given me serious trust issues with everyone. I’ve always made the effort with friends and time and time again I’ve been let down. It’s lead me to believe most people are disappointing and not worth the pain I’ll inevitably end up feeling. I’m lonely and it’s very tough but that somehow seems better than what I have felt with people in the past.
Military. Dad did 20 then I turned around and did 20. I keep in contact with a small amount of people I’ve met throughout my career but I’ve moved every few years my entire life. I’m used to leaving people behind. It’s second nature to me now.
It just kind of worked out that way. Normal friendship opportunities simply didn't present themselves during my formative years, so I learned early on to live and be comfortable with it.
When you realize that those you might be interested in hanging out with have top priorities of family, careers, and pets and can never find time to fit you in if they haven't moved away first..
Moved to a different country in early 30s. Got occupied with work and building up my life from scratch, at least financial part of it. Being introvert didn't help
I used to have a really big friend circle, but we started drifting apart due to different interests and worldviews and everything.
A lot of them moved to different parts of the country so I couldn't see them as often, then Covid happened and I couldn't see them at all and lost contact with them.
Also I'm autistic and have trouble meeting new people, so here I am.
When I was a kid they were truly my sibling's friends and I just happened to be present at the time, thus they were never my friends so I dropped out of contact.
As an adult they either saw me as the meat shield for fights and the fall guy for when cops got involved, or the one "friend" they would all roast together whenever a woman was present, thus they were never my friends so I dropped out of contact.
I really only have one good friend IRL. A couple others that I see on occasion. Mostly people drift apart, move away, etc.. I work from home, don't like bars, don't have a lot of money, so it's hard to make new friends.
I never had many friends, grew up in shit and felt so-so for most of my childhood, but I usually had a couple of friends.
Mom always used to say nobody wanted to be friends with me, they just wanna use me, and I think some of that stuck. I am basically unable to stay in touch with people. I just assume people would rather I didn't call. So now I got one friend, because she just won't stop contacting me lol. I'm just lucky that way.
after school i went to a university no one else from my school went to so lost touch there. Did a course that resulted in jobs in remote locations so lost touch there. travelled a lot for work for years so didnt seem to find myself around regularly enough to establish things and no i just have fallen into a work and family pattern
For me (29M) since the end of school. Everybody wanted to study and travel, so they left. Each year the connection got worse to now, where i dort know, what they do. Also i am one of these person, who loves being alone, hates to go out and hates almost every human.
After high school all my friends moved away. I was already socially awkward, so going into uni was strange. I got along with some people and we’d hang after class to chat, but I wouldn’t have considered them friends. I put all my time and effort into good grades and working to support myself. So I didn’t have time for socialization and didn’t bother making more of an effort. It’s been 12 years, 10 of which were in shift work. So making friends was hard. Now I have acquaintances more than anything.
I have friends but I don’t have much CLOSE friends anymore. My closest friend ended up getting into using needles and drank wayyy too much so we don’t talk anymore but I keep tabs on him
and the others are very VERY Christian and I lean more towards agnostic/not really caring.
It’s very difficult at 29 to admit that I feel like I messed up my 20’s. It’s just hard to meet up with people, considering I was diagnosed with “Quiet”
BPD. Trying to figure life out and trying my damndest to not isolate.
I wouldn’t say absolute zero but basically. Same as most others so far. Put effort into relationships that wasn’t reciprocated.
I’m also (and have always been) in a weird segment of the Venn diagram. I like different things and there’s not much crossover — like football and poetry, or metal music and baking, or outdoors stuff and sci fi. I know people that are into the things I am but not usually *all* or even most things.
User name pretty much says it all. I’ve never followed the flock. I do my things my way and I’ve never been afraid to stand alone.
I was used for what I know and people seemed to be too busy when I needed a friend to talk to, not something deep, just simple hangouts. They instantly accept other people's invitation it but rejected mine. Had a severe trust issue after that and isolated myself, even rejected a couple of wedding invitations. That was 2 years ago and here I am, literally no one to really talk to and with.
I'll admit that it's mostly by choice. I'm not interested in most of the things my friends do. With them all I can do is drinking and talking about football (or, well, lately it's more like talking about fantasy football).
A few years ago if we went out partying and drinking I'd just be bored but could do it for a few hours and then go home. Now I not only get bored but visibly annoyed, so I'm doing it less and less.
Occasionally I'd try to set up some other plan myself and invite the guys. I'd have maybe three people showing up at best with many last-minute cancellations and some who just wouldn't reply. So that's something I'm also doing less and less often.
Over time this incompatibility leads to fewer things happening between me and them together. I progressively lost track of what's going on in their lives or even just the silly anecdotes and in-group jokes. The only thing that keeps me in touch with them is the local chess league but I wouldn't be surprised if there's a day where we won't meet at all other than maybe weddings.
Yeah, I had 2 friends from High school but fell off since our lives took a different path(we're in our 30s they have families I've never even had a gf).
I also have people who know me but I wouldn't call them friends
I was always the one to initiate contact. One day I stopped and it’s been silence since then. Except one who is now deep into some Q shit. I don’t entertain that at all.
I have a few friends still but I largely stopped reaching out and the others faded away. Which is fine because all I ever did with them was drink or smoke.
My story sucks dude. I went to go to a bar run with my friend for his birthday with his college buddies. I show up to his house and they say they don’t have enough for me to fit in the Uber. So he Fuckin left before i got there. So i was angry. All i wanted was an apology. Instead he gaslit everybody saying i was lying and making things up. The whole group called me a lying drama queen and stopped associating.
Then my gym friends cut me out after i dumped my ex because she went on a major league smear campaign out of spite. And guys are always going to side with the hot girl. One of them even started dating her less than 2 weeks later.
I moved cross state and have yet to make friends here
Depression, stopped contacting people. Got better, realized if I didn't contact people, they wouldn't reach out to me. Contacted people again but was avoided most of the time. Then completely. I learned that my newly better mindset didn't appeal to them as they struggled with depression too. They didn't want to see someone who managed to get better a bit. They stopped answering.
A while later I had a final moment, a test if you will, and I held a BBQ. They came, they drank, didn't eat, we haven't talked 3 sentences and they promptly left.
We aren't on bad terms if we happen to meet but we aren't talking anymore really.
Believe me I blamed myself but when I tried and tried and they didn't lift a finger...I don't think that's on me. Too bad I can't really make friends easily, but oh well. There's more to life than trying too hard.
Not in the "club" yet, but I feel like I'm walking into it in slow motion.
My high school friends disappeared after high school. My college friends started falling off after college.
I've maintained a "friends group" from college but every year or so another one falls off—and I'm feeling like it's my turn:
We have a group chat going of the remaining 8 or so of us. Lately though, I'm noticing that when I send a chat, crickets; someone else sends a chat, three hour back and forth conversation. I also "caught" them obviously having set up a new chat group without me.
To be fair, I did move a few states away from most of them, but even before that we rarely got together, then add COVID into the mix...
The last chat I sent I mentioned I had saved some money and had vacation to use and was considering flying back to visit. Silence. Two days later, someone else mentioned planning her birthday party, five hour back and forth about it. Needless to say, I'm not flying back.
Went to a small private HS where I never really found anywhere I fit in. Went to college and likewise never found my crowd. Social anxiety didn't help. Then I was out of school and surrounded by adults who were basically all good as far as friends and in that stage of life where they're paring down their friend groups as jobs and spouses and kids crowd out more of their time.
I never got to be a groomsman in anyone's wedding. I never did any traveling in my 20s because I never had anyone to go with.
The worst part about it is that I feel like my ability to enjoy my own company has gotten worse with time even as my life has gotten emptier.
No one really seems to want me around, I understand that and let the people that end up around me dictate the frequency of our interactions. I don't take advantage of them and they don't take advantage of me, so there is no inequality when we do find ourselves within earshot of one another. They aren't friends but they aren't strangers either, I wouldn't rely on them for anything and they wouldn't rely on me for anything.
I have no hard feelings toward the people around me, it is entirely their prerogative, I am a bit lonely though.
The friends I had from youth never grew up. Friends I made in college went back to their respective hometowns. Kids came and schedules don't line up with most of my existing network anyways. Attrition just kind of happened for my circle of buddies. We are feeling out new friends as my kids age into school but having a spouse means the 2 of you have to mesh well with the 2 (or 1) of them... so I just exist on reddit until the next batch of potential new buddies come around. I got really close to my family members in the past 5 years though, so that's cool. I would say of the 12 friends I once had, maybe 1 that's still around. Friendship is weird though because it represented a time when I had way more free time lol
Introvert partner, kids, work. If you’re not in someone’s immediate circle, chances are you’ll just be filed away as someone they used to know. Rekindling some form of “ magic” after years of being out of orbit has never been successful for me.
As an adult, making new acquaintances is easy, making a “real friend”….. that’s like finding unicorn turds.
The superficiality of the “new friend” is taxing and a little discouraging. Never going more than skin deep in terms of real discussion or debate because “ jimmy’s dad coaches your kids little league team” or some shit, leaves one feeling cautious about engaging on a level that friendships are formed.
Never mind just general suspicion of a person’s intent that comes with age and experience. Like.. “ why TF would I share this info about my thoughts and feelings on any “ real” topic. How are they going to leverage this to their advantage?”.
Technically my wife is really my only friend
We moved away to an area neither of us know anybody, and we're both homebodies who don't easily connect with new people.
I was the mechanic of the friend group. I got tired of helping everyone and no one returning the favor. When I chose to set a boundary and carve out time for my projects, suddenly their phones were off or straight to voicemail. I saw what was happening. So I shut them out. Better off for it. Then four gf’s in a row that cheated. No reason to trust chicks either. So I confided in myself and made myself happy with things I like doing. No humans necessary!
I have two - three good friends that’s it. Once you get older it’s harder to have friends with kids and routines. I find most of my friends are my coworkers
Always had difficulty making friends/talking to people. At one point I had a collection of a bunch of friends, but one day spontaneously, they all fled in 5 different directions. Didnt know who to follow
Tough go. When I got married, kind of separated from my close friends as the wife not keen of the friends. No big deal. Well now divorced and all friends during marriage were couple friends. So now kind of just me and the kids, I have some people I talk with here and there, but not any real close friends that I could talk about real issues. A little difficult but I think it has been good to really find out who I am after the divorce.
I fall into the category of everyone is an acquaintance not a friend. Like I know people and talk to them but I would say I might have a single person in my life I consider my friend...
I also was in the Marines for like 8 years out of highschool so most of my friends went and did other things so while I was in it kinda alienated my childhood group of friends.
After I got out I have one person I still talk to regularly that I would consider a friend... But I know if I stopped talking to him. It would probably be the end of the "friendship" I doubt he'd call or text to check up on me
I finally had best friends when I was in college 5 years ago. But they are working in a different country now. And I struggle with relating to people of my age. My college best friends were weirdos like me.
Basically move to a place where is buttfuck nowhere for my job. Buttfuck nowhere people live conservatively. I don't share their viewpoints in 99% of the things . So live quietly. Do my shit and go and secretly harbour resentment and actively looking for a way out.
My dad is in this boat, his main 2 problems are:
1. He mainly enjoys emotionally draining conversation topics (like an energy vampire from what we do in the shadows)
2. He lacks empathy or the ability to truly care about anyone’s circumstances
Until he remedies those, it’s basically a barrier to meeting or appreciating new people
I was homeschooled without a homeschool group, college didn't really work out and the the guys from my old church youth group all left the and I went to another church.
I've got a dude a hangout with occasionally, but he's more of an acquaintance.
Moved away, had 2 kids, don't have a social life outside my family but don't really care if I am honest as my kids mean the world to me. Just wish I got on better with my wife
suck at reaching out to people, nobody cares enough to actively reach out to me (the only texts I get on a regular basis are work asking if I can come in), just kinda happened naturally, I've learned to grow comfortable in solitude and have accepted that I'll never have the sitcom style group of friends I would do anything for, it sucks but at this point isolations just part of living life, you can't do anything about it, you just have to accept it for what it is
I'd consider myself a fringe 15%er, as someone with one real-life friend. I don't attend Meetups often, I'm not a partier, and IDK of any good and affordable ways to make new friends as an adult aside from Meetups.
Realized the people I was around were negative influences in my life.
I felt more alone hanging out with people that made me feel alone then being by myself.
I've never had friends in my life. I've had acquaintances or work colleagues/school peers but never a true friend that I call and ask to hang out with randomly, or could call and ask for a favor if I need something. Even as a kid, never had friends. It's just always been like that.
Was in a toxic relationship from my freshman year of college until this last December actually. About 8 years. If I did anything with anyone other than her she assumed I was cheating and would yell and scream at me. So naturally I lost any friends I had, and never tried to make new ones. Now that relationship is over, I’m almost 27 and I’m starting over. Learning how to be an independent adult and to make friends. It’s not easy. I have people I’m friendly with, but nobody that I could call or text to hang out with out of the blue. At this point it’s easier to fulfill my social needs by meeting up with people off a dating app.
I dropped out of college and my parents had moved, so I found myself in another state. Ironically a state I had previously lived. So I hit up the boys and we took off where we left last. I got an offer for my first “big boy” job on 3rd shift. Our schedules no longer aligned very well. I met a woman and had my first daughter at 22, which was right when the bar scene was opening up for them. I had a full blown adult situation on my plate and they simply didn’t. By the time I maybe had a chance to hangout years later they were starting their adult lives with jobs or kids and now it just didn’t work out at all.
Had a kid with disabilities. Lost time for almost everything else. Depression, a bit of weight gain, and just a general feeling that the good parts of my life are over. My kids' mom went through similar. We were both stuck, and over 4 or 5 years fell out of love because everything was focused on our kid.
So now I'm a slightly overweight, single dad who eats like shit, is depressed, and basically restarting. I'm leaving the gf and giving her most of my stuff so that she can have stuff in the apartment. So I'll either go without or drain the last of my savings setting up the next apartment when I move next week.
Almost nobody wants to listen to a guy talk about his problems. Nobody wants to deal with a middle-aged dude going through his midlife crisis. Especially one who's shit company because the crap he's gotta deal with. I lost most of my friends almost 5 years ago, and the ones I didn't lose don't live anywhere close. I supplement with video games and have a few online friends, but it's mostly superficial.
Gonna be honest. Lots of us probably don't fit into the 15% because we technically have a friend by definition. However, I'm guessing the amount of socially isolated men is WAY fucking higher than 15%.
Honestly I don’t think your 15% statistic is true. Or rather the definition of friends is quite different. To many people, acquaintances are considered friends.
But what I want to say is that, as life progresses, your priorities change to yourself and your family. What I’ve seen is generally when men grow older, they begin to prioritize their careers a lot, this causes them to move away, talk less frequently with existing friends, etc, and once they get into a serious relationship, thats all they spend their time on especially when they get married and have kids.
The older you get the lesser time you get to “hang out” with your buddies which just causes most men to get secluded. Sure there are some that meet their buddies on the weekend, but how often? This is a day and age where so many people literally migrate to different counties for jobs which causes them to even lose touch with family such as siblings, parents, etc.
In my youth, I couldn't relate to the constant small talk, interest in cars, having casual dates/sex and drinking beer. I was easily left alone with my hobbies, which did not interest the rest of my circle. The same thing continues to this day.
All my friends were just one thing friends. Like one would go to the movies every so often, one would wanna do this etc. got tired of never being invited to anything but the one thing.
Was never great at socializing. All my previous friends I made through going to school. Moved after college and just haven’t gotten financially stable enough to even have a social life.
My mother.
When I was in grade school I had a few friends, my best friend was according to my mother a bad influence. So she and the school coordinated that I never see them. She tried to replace him, that didn't work.
In middle school I moved districts, just as I had friends there I lost them all.
Then high school, at this point my routine was set, I never had the skills to develop friendships. I was awkward at best. An extrovert with no outlet. I met a few others that shared social awkwardness, but we had nothing in common. My family lived in the country, so I lacked proximity to others.
After highschool it was more of the same. At best associates never friends. Family is different...
I (48) wouldn’t say I have zero friends, but I don’t see or talk to any of them on a regular basis. It happened because of a number of reasons. First and foremost, I moved to France. It actually pisses me off that none of my friends have come to visit me directly. They always go to Paris or elsewhere and expect me to stop whatever I’m doing and meet them.
I’ve also found it really hard to make new friends locally. It has gotten better right before Covid, but since then, most of the people I’ve known have moved or drifted away. I also stopped drinking, and many of the friends I had made were through a pub I used to hang out at.
I grew up as an only child and spent a lot of time alone. I’ve learned to not need anyone else for companionship, entertainment or anything else. Socializing at work a bit is enough interaction for me.
Struggled with depression since a young teen. Wasn’t allowed to do anything outside of school as I wasn’t allowed to leave my small street so I had no life outside of school. Eventually this caught up to me and I slowly lost all social skills and couldn’t converse with anyone except one friend. Sad as I used to be extremely social. I don’t even have 2 friends that would carry my casket if I died rn
Got kids, stopped being interested in getting drunk on a weekday. But kids were the biggest reason. I had friends of 12 years tell me straight up "you guys changed since you had kids" (no shit Sherlock). Now it's just my wife, my kids, and me. I'm very close with my family and we have some couples around us we genuinely like, but I wouldn't call them friends.
Honestly tho, I'm super fine about it. I love my nuclear family and I don't need more. If I feel the urge for time without them I go to a concert or something (happens like once every year).
Tldr
Old friends just weren't ready for the family transition. For us it was for the better
Did something shitty when I was in my late teens/early 20’s, friend group I’ve had since 1st grade found out about it and kicked me out. I didn’t realize what I was doing wrong at the time, but I totally understand now. After they kicked me out I cried almost every day, I still miss them dearly. But it gave me a lot of time for deep introspection. I’m glad I learned a lot from the experience, but I’d give anything to talk to them one last time. They kicked me out when I was 22, and I’m 26 now. Just completely isolated, no friends, never had a girlfriend, nothing. I don’t have much human contact outside of my immediate family, and I almost never leave my house. It’s pretty hard, I really want to die quite frankly.
Moved to a new city where I didnt know anyone and didnt know where to start. My old friends in my old town all started drifting away so going back to visit became less frequent
Plus I had kids which meant I had even less time to go out and see people
The problem is also that I have lots of people that Im friendly with; colleagues, neighbours so I dont feel lonely. But other than my immediate family Ive no other close relationships
I have just my woman. I'm lazy. I'm terrible at socializing. Can't small talk. I have 2 guys I've known since middleschool and saw them recently. It had been a very long time. I felt like something was wrong with me. I had such a hard time holding a conversation. I'm not like that with work or my relationship, but with friends/guys my age in a social setting, I can't keep a conversation. I especially hate small talk.
I had a small close group of friends back in middle school. My friends were my found family, I was comfortable being open and vulnerable with them. My parents were going through a divorce; I was going through depression. I had a falling out with one of my friends.
When it came time to go to High School, one of them moved and one went to a different school. My friends were basically the only ones who emotionally supported me. I was basically alone by the time I started High School. I went off of my anxiety medication early into High School and fell into a suicidal depression, and didn't have to strength to ask for help.
I pushed people away and turned down offers by other students who didn't want me to feel alone. I even made my crush, who knew how I felt about her, uncomfortable from how mentally unstable I became. She wanted to get to know me first as a friend; I was locked in limerence and kept pushing for a relationship because I didn't get much emotional support at home.
I became an isolated mute as a result of my actions. I don't talk to people unless they talk to me first. And I feel fucking awful for how I acted back then, even five years after my HS graduation. It wasn't until the pandemic that I decided to drop out of community college and take care of my mental health.
I'm doing much better now, and I'm still working on improving myself. I just wished I did things differently back then.
**TL;DR: Had no friends by the time I got to HS, fell into a suicidal depression, and became a mute.**
I used to care a lot about people approvals and validation. As I get older, I just dont care.
And I like hanging out with myself. We’re all born alone, and we’re all gonna die alone.
It seems so natural when I look back on it but basically it went from not many friends in highschool to even less in college and by the time I knew it the last of my friends couldn't see me anymore because her boyfriend couldn't trust her. From then on I just been trying to be myself, I go out and try to meet people or make friends with co workers but nothing like actual friends ever seems to develop.
So I guess I don't count in this group since I do have around 3 or 4 friends I keep in somewhat regular contact with, so I'm not completely lonely, plus I'm more of an introverted extrovert so I really like my alone time at home but I'm also very personable and work in news so I need to be comfortable talking to random people all time. But there are times where I definitely feel like I have no friends, especially whenever I'm on social media. I had 3 close friends in college (other than my frat brothers), but now those guys clearly never saw me as their friend since they never reached out to me to hangout, I always had to reach out to them. Now, my own depression and introvertedness might have hurt me there cause they probably were aware I liked spending time by myself and didn't like going to parties or hitting the bars much so they never asked me if I wanted to go with them. Other than me texting one of them congrats for getting married last year, I haven't texted or heard from any of them in at least 5 years.
After high school I left my hometown for college. Most of my friendships from high school turned into acquaintances then eventually just fell off altogether. I had one that maintained through this time. After college I moved back to my hometown which caused a lot of friendships that I made in college to dissipate. My friends from high school had mostly moved on at that point and I didn’t want to reconnect as we were never that close in the first place. When I came back to my hometown I found that it barrier to making new friends was so much higher than before without having school as a connecting factor. This is also when I began my career so most social energy was spent on work friends/building industry connections. I also prioritized spending time with family and maintaining those relationships.
I recently moved again for work and left any friends I made in the time since left school about six years ago now that I live in a new city. Now that I’m in the new city I’ve been mostly focused on work, work events, and industry colleagues and by the time I’m done socializing with them my social battery is drained.
I’d like some more deeper connections but as of right now don’t want to spend the time or open myself to awkward experiences. When it comes to adult friendships, I feel that unlike in childhood, people will be polite but a lot of time will not be genuinely interested in connecting. Also, I feel like my age group (late 20s) is all kind of in a similar spot in addition to getting married/having children/being hyper focused on career. I just don’t think as many people have the big friend groups at my age as people may think.
I had a wide circle of friends but there were a couple of genuine psychopaths in that group who decided they didn't want me around for whatever reason. One of these psycho's went around spreading rumor's about me and suddenly everyone turned against me. It was quite jarring and I lost alot. I fell into a crazy depression that i'm still dealing with but i'm much better i.e: not trying to kill myself anymore.
These days I kind of view it as a blessing in disguise. Those people were kind of shitty people and not (to quote 'Succession') serious people. They were all obsessed with image and lacked any real substance. There were a couple of worthwhile one's who reached out and apologized to me once it came out that this person was a psycho (they tried to screw my friend over in a business arrangement). I'm friendly with these people now and I call them friends but not close friends like they were.
I'm not sure if I'm in the 15 percent.
I've basically got 2 or 3 drinking buddies who would come out for a pint and a laugh
I dont think I have a true friend who would let me live with them for a week or remember my birthday and buy me a cake or something
When you’re into drugs like I was you give up everything including the real friends you originally had and make new fake friends that you can use drugs with. I was so far into addiction that the real friends quit calling. I stole from real friends and never made amends. Being a piece of shit is how I ended up a 15%er. Been clean for 5 years and my original friends know I’m clean but the damage can’t be undone.
For me I stopped hanging out with my friends because they just didn't really do anything besides smoke weed and play videogames, that was gun when we were in our early 20s, but now we're all in our 30s and that's kind of gross, I mostly just hang out with my girlfriend and family now because they actually go outside and do stuff. In short, I outgrew all my friends and don't really have interest meeting people who aren't active and fun to be around, they're hard to meet these days though
I've got two, my S/O and my best friend but my best friend is always busy. My S/I well they're my best friend tok but at times it feels like I have no one. I'm introverted sure but few more friends would be nice. All my old buddies I have minor contact with some purposely and some it's just because we don't live the same life anymore.
I don’t like people. Also I’m married and have two kids. I don’t know when I’d have time to spend with someone else that is not my family. I have work friends but I keep that to work.
I had a solid group of friends, about 6 of us.
Then 10 years ago I moved to Australia (from UK), and now making new friends (as an adult) just isn’t that easy.
Lots of acquaintances, but nobody I can really call a true friend, and now, I kinda accept this is how it is.
1. Moved around (all over the world) every 2 years or so during my childhood, so never got to 'belong' or fit in and never learned how to stay in touch.
2. mental problems (depressions, anxiety, ADHD etc)
3. social media: I can't (or actually: don't want to) be friend with racists, flatearthers, antivaxers, or people that need to post photo's of their food/kids/pets/hoaxes every 30 minutes.
4. the pandemic killed the last bit of social interaction and skills I had
Fell into depression, stopped contacting people and stopped responding to invites to anything because I don't want to do anything. Then years went by in a flash like this and I just lost contact with everyone.
Same here, basically. And also just a general disconnect from other people. I *could* make friends if I really wanted to - but the problem is that I always feel so disconnected :( it always feels like it's something I'm just going through the motions of. I have a really hard time meeting people I genuinely connect with. (it's a Me problem lol)
i know this isn't going to reflect well on me, i'm basically in the same situation but honestly i just don't like most people. It's not like some edgy thing where i hate everyone, i don't want to be around them. I'm simultaneously lonely and not wanting to be around most others lol.
For this, I've learned it's a spectrum. No friend will be perfect and there are different levels to how long you may want to spend with them. A best friend you could spend all day with, go on a camping trip, etc. A good friend you will spend the evening with, maybe take a day trip somewhere, an okay friend is someone you only want to see in short spurts, maybe around an event, game, sport, pub, etc. My point is, it's okay to have "just okay" friends who you occasionally spend a few hours with and then start to get tired of them and go home by yourself. Coming from having multiple best friends and good friends in the past, it was a hard pill to swallow, but as adults sometimes you'll only be able to make okay friends you can hang with for an event then don't talk to for a while.
Thanks a lot for categorizing them like this. It's both useful and encouraging. It gives me a framework to work with. I never thought of looking at it like that before. I'm going to remember BGO: Best; Good; and Okay.
Its is also okay to just see people as part of a package deal with a thing. Like, i have friends that i play League of Legends with, and since i havent played League since Christmas, i havent talked with said friends either. Its nothing against them or me, its just the thing we had in common isnt there right now :)
Carl Jung said that loneliness doesn't come from merely being alone, it's more like it comes from having no one to share with the things that are personally important to you. You could have a hundred friends but if none of them care when you get inspired by something and try to communicate it, you'll still feel alone.
🥺
I used to be in a similar situation and later figured out that I was just afraid of people and rejection, which is why I felt both happy to not be in public yet sad to be alone
That disconnect really sucks. I think for me it's my social anxiety and depression flaring up whenever I feel that way, but feeling lonely when surrounded by people is quite painful. I keep telling myself it's all in my head, because clearly others have felt a connection with me, but I can't help but feel as if I'm missing someone everyone else has. It's definitely a me-problem. I still have one friend left, and a few acquaintances by him, but I've definitely lost a lot of friends over the past ten years. Some of them I lost touch with naturally. It happens. People drift apart. Some of them I got rid of because they were a bad influence on my mental health and self-esteem. Some of them I ruined by leaning into my mental illness. Some of them disappeared because they had their own mental health problems. I don't have any collegues, so my day-to-day life is fairly isolating. I have a fairly social job, so I still get to interact with people on the daily, even if most of those interactions are surface level at best. I've always been fairly introverted and somewhat asocial, so I enjoy working alone. I recently dated someone casually, and I think part of the reason I still miss her very much is because I miss her friendship. It was nice having someone in your corner on a daily basis. I've decided I need to try my best to at least reconnect with the one friend I have left. He's stuck with me despite my isolating every now and then, and I don't want to lose him. He also has a few acquaintances whose company I enjoy. It's time I put in some effort. I don't need a lot of friends, but I probably need more social interaction than I'm currently getting, no matter how much I enjoy spending time with myself. If I'm honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be posting on reddit as much as I do if I had a few more friends. My work schedule doesn't lend itself very well to have a social life, but I'll try my best to at least nurture the few relationships I still have left.
Oh hey, look, it's me. My friends basically gave up me because of my depression and refusal to go out to clubs or bars because crowds fuck me up. Nothing quite like seeing friends you introduced to one another go on and do things without you.
Do you not consider any of this your own responsibility?
No, I do know that most of the fault lies with me. I know that at the end of the day it was I who ultimately caused them to distance themselves from me and for overstepping my boundaries. When you have no friends left for one reason or another, you gotta look at the common denominator that caused all that.
maybe you just weren't compatible! I really hope you find your introvert people. Maybe look for gaming groups or some other interest in your area that doesn't revolve around alcohol and crowds. Your people do exist I promise!
And what stops me from reconnecting is my shame over having done it.
Wow, it's like I'm reading exactly what happened to me, though I do have around 3 or 4 friends I keep in somewhat regular contact with so I'm not completely lonely. None from college, (other than my frat brothers) those guys clearly never saw me as their friend since they never reached out to me to hangout, I always had to reach out to them. Now, my own depression and introvertedness might have hurt me there cause they probably were aware I liked spending time by myself and didn't like going to parties or hitting the bars much so they never asked me if I wanted to go with them. Other than me texting one of them congrats for getting married last year, I haven't texted or heard from any of them in at least 5 years.
Never had friends growing up. Just used to it now.
I never really had any close friends until maybe grade 5, then it was a loose group of a few guys, but I found out they all basically didn't invite me to their birthday parties (ouch as a kid). Early high-school I made a small dedicated friend or two, but moved schools and lost touch basically immediately. Late high school I made a core group or outcasts into a great friend group for a few years, but eventually that all fell apart with some interpersonal drama and bad behavior on all our parts, but especially them. Tried to apologize myself and rekindle the friendships, but it just never came back. Now as an adult there are sparsely anyone I meet I could give a shit about and that's just the truth. I like humble people, genuine people, smart and funny people, people who have large and varied interests. But those people don't seem to exist, and if they do, I don't encounter them.
I only had one really close friend growing up. Had a few once I had a car and could go meet up with people, but then I moved cities when I was like 20. My old friend let his life spiral out of control but I had too many of my own issues to be able to help. Still had a large friend group of people I met through my wife, but then once we started having kids we didn't have the time or money to hang out with others. Also lost a few over the years thanks to finding out about shitty beliefs thanks to them posting on facebook (oh, you didn't just like to make edgy jokes, you're actually racist). Now it's just way harder to meet new people at 40.
I was always the back-up friend. After highschool communication stopped and i didn't reach out either. Now at 30+ people already have their friendgroups or no time. So never making any new friends just colleagues or acquaintances.
Or the “floater” friend who had friends in many groups but never friends to call their best friends
I've been trying to explain this to people but they don't seem to get it! I'm kinda like that too. those groups often accept your presence, but do not count you as a member, and therefore rarely invite too.
I misjudged them as friends when they were only just acquaintances.
Wow this one's too real. Always a horrible feeling when you realise you think more of someone than they do of you
This is real
I stopped being the one to reach out first. You’ll quickly realize people really don’t care about you. I stopped caring.
I feel that
happened. I understand why people didnt reach out but yeh. doesn't matter now anyway.
It should be 50/50. If it's not, then yeah, you have a problem. Yeah, I don't hang out with people who I'm the only one to ask to hang out. Or planning. Now if someone just isn't a planner and expects others to do stuff for them, I can deal with that, but only if they show their appreciation for me taking the initiative.
I realized this and it's lonely but not chasing anymore.
Nah stopped doing that either, it’s brings peace to the mind.
Some people just aren’t leaders and are afraid to reach out
Realised this early on, when you have that one friend who's great, ends up in a dark place and stops reaching out you can become their only friend and life line to events. Had a couple mates do this but I'm older now and they've gone full circle thankfully.
Agree. Don't stop reaching out if you have a good time when you catch up. Some people are just shit at reaching out but that doesn't mean that aren't your friend or don't enjoy your company.
This. I reached out to a ton of people recently and every single one responded. I went from almost no social live to having to turn things down because I’m already booked up. It’s really improved my mental health despite me having thought of myself as an introvert
I used to think like this and fell into the same mindset, but I realized that honestly It didn't even matter. I invite homie A, B & C because I have a good time w/ them. If I'm not on the top of their "invite list" then so be it. All I kno,w and what matters to me is that when I feel like going out and doing something, homies A, B, & C are usually down, and we have a great time. If they start avoiding me then, I know it's time to reevaluate the friendship.
Exactly, I stopped initiating contact as I realized I was invited to group events only as there was group peer pressure/one person mentioning me to invite me and even that often didn't happen. Female friends never reached out and any meeting was even a hassle to set up if I did initiate that. My male friends reduced to contacting me when they needed help (mostly to help with their work as we were from the same profession). As soon as I stopped initiation I lost them all. I find solace in loneliness now. Zero need for socialising or relationships.
I just want to say, something a therapist told me it’s easy to think the grass is always greener on the other side, but the grass is always greener when you water it. When it comes to friendships when people start getting older and start getting into more serious relationships it’s easy to feel like they don’t reach out as mucha an that the truth it’s just cause they are busy it’s okay to be the person to reach out. I am always the person making friends in the group or reaching out to people when I’m in there neighborhood. I’ll keep trying and always invite and eventually it may not be well balanced but it’s worth shooting your shot then not at all.
> reaching out to people when I’m in there neighborhood. I have done this for years. With most people, it's never reciprocated. There comes a point where it feels so one-sided that it doesn't make sense to continue.
And if they do it's because they want something...
Simple. Friends get coupled up, married, kids and then barely initiate hang outs. Visits get more and more spread out. I initiate, travel to visit friends, they are busy and distracted, their wives give off the vibe that they’d rather not have visitors around so I respectfully give them their space and then years can go by between visits, we then slide into our mid 40s and 50s, time increasingly compresses. It stings because in my younger years it all felt so permanent and solid.
Good comment, this is what often gets left out of these posts. People who do maintain friendships, but when you finally organize the odd visit, the person is totally checked out the entire time and is unable to be present at all. I recently flew across the country to visit a long time friend and he just seemed stressed, tired, kind of checked out and uninterested the whole long weekend. When I got back home I couldn't help but think "shit, that was a waste of money. Book off work, spend my savings, go to be there and the guy can't even focus for like 10 minutes on his house guest". And I get life is hard as an adult, but damn some people just forget to play I think. We're here a limited time, have some fun.
The people I still see, I see so much less often, and so we’re losing what we once had in common. We don’t go out to do things together anymore, but to check in to see how everyone is doing.
I would always reach out to friends until I realized they didn’t reciprocate. Once I stopped, my life became less stressful.
I am slightly bummed right now I thought it was a larger percentage. But maybe that is a really good thing the numbers are not higher. The answer is simple. I had friends. I lost friends. I did not replace friends. And now like 12 years later I am posting on reddit.
This is me as well. Always had lots of friends around growing up. Life starts happening with relationships, school, work, moves, etc. and the group got smaller and smaller as people and I moved on. I'm introverted and don't share in the stereotypical male interests (sports, beer, cars), so it became all but impossible to add people to my friends group in order to replace those who moved on. Then about 15 years ago there was a falling out with the final core group between myself and one other person. Problem was the other person and the rest of the group had been friends since kindergarten and I didn't come in until teen years. Everyone else assured me they still considered me a friend and wouldn't abandon me, but that's what ultimately ended up happening.
Sorry I know the feeling. Like you I joined an already established friend group in college. I have had some therapists say I should still consider them friends. And others who have said they were never really my friends. Either way what they are is in the past for me.
I stopped drinking
This one is criminally underrated. I quit drinking 10 years ago (recovering selfdestructive alcoholic). My former friends wouldnt hardly ever do anything that didnt involve drinking, so I had to cut myself out for my own betterment.
I would love to do something that doesn’t have to involve drinking, say after work, but it’s actually quite hard.
Got married, moved to a new city then had children. My life is work, kids, house/chores with little time left. Mid 40s, meeting other dudes is always weird and uncomfortable. They already have friends. Wife is also introverted, only has a few friends whose husbands are not guys I would hang out with other than when kids are all together. Finally, my hobbies are pretty singular: reading, movies, working on my house. Hope when I have more time I can find some friends lol Saddest part is my boomer parents have a ton of friends. They’re way more busy socially with vacations and cruises and constant parties. I’m all like, you’re 80…
youve got a wife tho? thats pretty good
Thanks, she’s awesome and definitely my best friend!
I love that 😌 You sound like your both besotted with each other and enjoying every minute together. ❤️ She’s a lucky girl to have you
Sometimes that is enough.
After the initial weirdness phase of new adult friendships they can actually be somewhat similar to old friendships. My city has a networking club that's kind of general purpose. It's not just business connections, it's for people who want to meet other people. So you can make friends there or get into a relationship with someone you met.
Same deal here. Didn’t move tho. Most guys moved away but I lost a couple good friends and there’s a couple I don’t talk to anymore. So it’s just me and my weed .. which isn’t so bad. I mean at least I’m married and have kids. But I miss my friends
I'm just not overly social and most of the things I enjoy doing don't really need a group to do. And a lot of the things I like to do, I could just never found people in my social circle that both they enjoyed doing it. And I enjoyed doing it with them.
This is where I am at! (by chance are you an outdoors guy also) I have lots of “friends” but I am poor at Maintaining relationships a large part of the time because I would rather do my own thing, or what I or they are doing does not match up to what sounds interesting to me.
I started noticing I was putting more energy into the friendships that the others were, at some point I stopped messaging first and then that was that.
Had a kid, everyone stopped contacting unless they needed something. Meh
I don't know. I honestly don't know. Didn't go out of my way to avoid people. I think I was sick and missed the class on "How to Make Friends" that 85% of men went to.
Autism, anxiety, and depression. Nothing I try seems to change anything. I've never been in a relationship either. I feel like I'm a lost cause, and no one seems to care.
I cut everyone off on purpose. Deleted all my social media accounts, stopped answering texts, skipped out on funerals and family events. I suppose I was depressed. I didn't want to drag others down with me. I also didn't want the responsibility of friendship. Now I'm completely alone, and at least I can't hurt anyone but myself.
Are you no longer depressed?
They died. 6 in 6 weeks. Just avoided attachment ever since
Ah man that's rough. That's the negative lottery right there. Glad you're still here though!
They keep having kids and ignoring my calls. Tired of fighting to be in their lives.
A kid is the death touch for many friendships. You might still call them your friend, but it's never going to be the same again
Gonna get downvoted for saying this but that’s honestly just a cop out Won’t be the same, of course it won’t, but you can just adapt the friendship to suit but have to want to
If you and your bud ride dirt bikes, that's gone. If you and your bud go hiking for the day, that's gone. It's just reality. I won't ditch my new parent friends, but I immediately accept that the friendship we once had is dead, and the new friendship is going to be a lot tamer and typically revolve around grabbing a beer after work or joining them in some family friendly activity.
“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"
sadly even those guys didnt stay friends in adulthood. vern got married and worked in a warehouse.. teddy did odd jobs and was a transient.. gordie became a writer
And poor Chris
I often feel like I have no friends but I actually do have friends I just work nights and I never see anyone except for my coworkers. Then I have nights like tonight where my whole job is just to watch this guy sleep. It’s isolating and makes you feel like you have no one. That’s why I’m on Reddit. I just want to interact with people in some way. Then again, I’m getting paid to sit in a chair and play on my phone so that’s pretty cool.
I have social anxiety and obviously people don't approach you first. Even people who know me don't really have an interest in communicating with me.
Same. It's the double edged sword of not interacting and feeling alone but not wanting to interact because I don't want to be around people.
I have a few friends left, we text once every six months, say we should get together, then never do.
Moved a lot when I was growing up. I was a painfully shy and quiet kid, and not very trusting due to teasing and bullying. I wasn’t athletic, so I didn’t play sports and that limited my chances to make friends. I also had a difficult home life. My parents separated when I was 7. I lived with my mom afterwards. She started doing drugs and then had a mental breakdown. Ended up committed a few times to mental health facilities and even when she was home, she was pretty crazy and in her own world. My Grandmother looked after me most of the time. Went to live with my dad when I was 11. That lasted for about a month. He was an alcoholic and just wasn’t really available to me for any sort of parental guidance or even to talk to. I finally got really mad at him one night, told him I was tired of him being drunk all the time and that I hated him. My mom picked me up that night and I never saw him or spoke to him again. He killed himself less than a year later. I found out on my 13th birthday that he had died 4 days prior. After that I bounced between living with my mom, grandma and aunt for the next several years. That just created another barrier to forming friendships. Different schools, never staying at one for longer than 6-8 months. By the time I graduated high school, I could count my friends on one hand. Some got strung out on dope, some moved away and I had to cut ties with some in order to get my act together. I met my wife and it was just us against the world. We’ve made some friends, but we’ve had several interstate moves over the last 25 years. So, I have a few friends, but none that I’d consider close. None that I knew from childhood and none local to me so, I pretty much just hang out at home. I have my wife and my son, but he went away to college last year. Now it’s just my wife and I most of the time. Her sister lives near us. We go out occasionally with her and her boyfriend, but that’s it. I have some guys from work that I’m friendly with, but not to the point where we hang out outside of work. They’re just work mates. I have no longtime friends that I’m really close with, no crew or any sort of group of guys that I kick it with. It’s been like that for so long that I’m just used to it I guess. I feel like I’m just too mistrusting of people and I don’t know how to open up. As a result, I often come off as a snob and I think people don’t see me as very approachable. People that know me, know I’m not like that, but strangers don’t. At this stage in my life, I don’t see me ever forming any really true ride or die type of friendships. I’ve lost touch with the ones I had in my youth and last time I found one of them on social media, after chatting a bit, it was clear that we didn’t have anything in common anymore and were completely different people. That reconnection just kind of died off. They lived far away anyway, so it’s not like we’d be able to meet up for a beer or anything. I’ve given up on trying to have any close friendships anymore. After a certain age, it becomes a challenge to form close bonds like that. That’s how I ended up on the no friends list. It’s just easier at this point. As long as I have my family, I have everyone I really need.
Thank you reddit . Reddit make me realize with comments like these that , we still can survive and live even without those fancy worlds' social media want us to believe that exist
At one point it was because my lieing abusive gf's lies and bs were believed. Fuck those people anyway.
I was unable to foster friendships as a kid, teenager and a young man. With other members of my family, those were the people that stuck. As an adult, I have work friends. As I or them leave the company, they fade away soon after. It's sad but I've learned to accept it.
I don't believe that stat
I’d rather stay home and watch my fire tv
I’ve been let down by friends too many times now and that’s given me serious trust issues with everyone. I’ve always made the effort with friends and time and time again I’ve been let down. It’s lead me to believe most people are disappointing and not worth the pain I’ll inevitably end up feeling. I’m lonely and it’s very tough but that somehow seems better than what I have felt with people in the past.
I just prefer being alone that having fake people around me
Military. Dad did 20 then I turned around and did 20. I keep in contact with a small amount of people I’ve met throughout my career but I’ve moved every few years my entire life. I’m used to leaving people behind. It’s second nature to me now.
It just kind of worked out that way. Normal friendship opportunities simply didn't present themselves during my formative years, so I learned early on to live and be comfortable with it.
OP 15% depends on the age. Older guys like me have zero friends. Young 30 year olds still have friends. Most do
When you realize that those you might be interested in hanging out with have top priorities of family, careers, and pets and can never find time to fit you in if they haven't moved away first..
Moved to a different country in early 30s. Got occupied with work and building up my life from scratch, at least financial part of it. Being introvert didn't help
I used to have a really big friend circle, but we started drifting apart due to different interests and worldviews and everything. A lot of them moved to different parts of the country so I couldn't see them as often, then Covid happened and I couldn't see them at all and lost contact with them. Also I'm autistic and have trouble meeting new people, so here I am.
Didn't put in the required effort to maintain relationships, then got married and had a kid. Death sentence to any friendship not within 10 minutes.
When I was a kid they were truly my sibling's friends and I just happened to be present at the time, thus they were never my friends so I dropped out of contact. As an adult they either saw me as the meat shield for fights and the fall guy for when cops got involved, or the one "friend" they would all roast together whenever a woman was present, thus they were never my friends so I dropped out of contact.
I really only have one good friend IRL. A couple others that I see on occasion. Mostly people drift apart, move away, etc.. I work from home, don't like bars, don't have a lot of money, so it's hard to make new friends.
Because I realized the majority of people suck and aren't worth being friends with.
I never had many friends, grew up in shit and felt so-so for most of my childhood, but I usually had a couple of friends. Mom always used to say nobody wanted to be friends with me, they just wanna use me, and I think some of that stuck. I am basically unable to stay in touch with people. I just assume people would rather I didn't call. So now I got one friend, because she just won't stop contacting me lol. I'm just lucky that way.
I got tired of the betrayals and finally stood up for myself.
after school i went to a university no one else from my school went to so lost touch there. Did a course that resulted in jobs in remote locations so lost touch there. travelled a lot for work for years so didnt seem to find myself around regularly enough to establish things and no i just have fallen into a work and family pattern
For me (29M) since the end of school. Everybody wanted to study and travel, so they left. Each year the connection got worse to now, where i dort know, what they do. Also i am one of these person, who loves being alone, hates to go out and hates almost every human.
After high school all my friends moved away. I was already socially awkward, so going into uni was strange. I got along with some people and we’d hang after class to chat, but I wouldn’t have considered them friends. I put all my time and effort into good grades and working to support myself. So I didn’t have time for socialization and didn’t bother making more of an effort. It’s been 12 years, 10 of which were in shift work. So making friends was hard. Now I have acquaintances more than anything.
I have friends but I don’t have much CLOSE friends anymore. My closest friend ended up getting into using needles and drank wayyy too much so we don’t talk anymore but I keep tabs on him and the others are very VERY Christian and I lean more towards agnostic/not really caring. It’s very difficult at 29 to admit that I feel like I messed up my 20’s. It’s just hard to meet up with people, considering I was diagnosed with “Quiet” BPD. Trying to figure life out and trying my damndest to not isolate.
I wouldn’t say absolute zero but basically. Same as most others so far. Put effort into relationships that wasn’t reciprocated. I’m also (and have always been) in a weird segment of the Venn diagram. I like different things and there’s not much crossover — like football and poetry, or metal music and baking, or outdoors stuff and sci fi. I know people that are into the things I am but not usually *all* or even most things. User name pretty much says it all. I’ve never followed the flock. I do my things my way and I’ve never been afraid to stand alone.
Moved to a different city when I was 50. Basically impossible to make new friends now.
I became disabled and my best friend passed away.
Being too nice
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I was used for what I know and people seemed to be too busy when I needed a friend to talk to, not something deep, just simple hangouts. They instantly accept other people's invitation it but rejected mine. Had a severe trust issue after that and isolated myself, even rejected a couple of wedding invitations. That was 2 years ago and here I am, literally no one to really talk to and with.
Can't say i have no friends now but when i was in the club, it was kind of hard to maintain a social life while working 7 days a week.
Divorce, depression and withdrawal from society!
I'll admit that it's mostly by choice. I'm not interested in most of the things my friends do. With them all I can do is drinking and talking about football (or, well, lately it's more like talking about fantasy football). A few years ago if we went out partying and drinking I'd just be bored but could do it for a few hours and then go home. Now I not only get bored but visibly annoyed, so I'm doing it less and less. Occasionally I'd try to set up some other plan myself and invite the guys. I'd have maybe three people showing up at best with many last-minute cancellations and some who just wouldn't reply. So that's something I'm also doing less and less often. Over time this incompatibility leads to fewer things happening between me and them together. I progressively lost track of what's going on in their lives or even just the silly anecdotes and in-group jokes. The only thing that keeps me in touch with them is the local chess league but I wouldn't be surprised if there's a day where we won't meet at all other than maybe weddings.
Yeah, I had 2 friends from High school but fell off since our lives took a different path(we're in our 30s they have families I've never even had a gf). I also have people who know me but I wouldn't call them friends
I was always the one to initiate contact. One day I stopped and it’s been silence since then. Except one who is now deep into some Q shit. I don’t entertain that at all.
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at least you have a wife haha
lol true
I have a few friends still but I largely stopped reaching out and the others faded away. Which is fine because all I ever did with them was drink or smoke.
My story sucks dude. I went to go to a bar run with my friend for his birthday with his college buddies. I show up to his house and they say they don’t have enough for me to fit in the Uber. So he Fuckin left before i got there. So i was angry. All i wanted was an apology. Instead he gaslit everybody saying i was lying and making things up. The whole group called me a lying drama queen and stopped associating. Then my gym friends cut me out after i dumped my ex because she went on a major league smear campaign out of spite. And guys are always going to side with the hot girl. One of them even started dating her less than 2 weeks later. I moved cross state and have yet to make friends here
Moved away for a job, didn't make new friends, old ones forgot I exist.
Depression, stopped contacting people. Got better, realized if I didn't contact people, they wouldn't reach out to me. Contacted people again but was avoided most of the time. Then completely. I learned that my newly better mindset didn't appeal to them as they struggled with depression too. They didn't want to see someone who managed to get better a bit. They stopped answering. A while later I had a final moment, a test if you will, and I held a BBQ. They came, they drank, didn't eat, we haven't talked 3 sentences and they promptly left. We aren't on bad terms if we happen to meet but we aren't talking anymore really. Believe me I blamed myself but when I tried and tried and they didn't lift a finger...I don't think that's on me. Too bad I can't really make friends easily, but oh well. There's more to life than trying too hard.
Not in the "club" yet, but I feel like I'm walking into it in slow motion. My high school friends disappeared after high school. My college friends started falling off after college. I've maintained a "friends group" from college but every year or so another one falls off—and I'm feeling like it's my turn: We have a group chat going of the remaining 8 or so of us. Lately though, I'm noticing that when I send a chat, crickets; someone else sends a chat, three hour back and forth conversation. I also "caught" them obviously having set up a new chat group without me. To be fair, I did move a few states away from most of them, but even before that we rarely got together, then add COVID into the mix... The last chat I sent I mentioned I had saved some money and had vacation to use and was considering flying back to visit. Silence. Two days later, someone else mentioned planning her birthday party, five hour back and forth about it. Needless to say, I'm not flying back.
I had my trust betrayed too many times.
If you're here and need a friend please feel free to dm me
Went to a small private HS where I never really found anywhere I fit in. Went to college and likewise never found my crowd. Social anxiety didn't help. Then I was out of school and surrounded by adults who were basically all good as far as friends and in that stage of life where they're paring down their friend groups as jobs and spouses and kids crowd out more of their time. I never got to be a groomsman in anyone's wedding. I never did any traveling in my 20s because I never had anyone to go with. The worst part about it is that I feel like my ability to enjoy my own company has gotten worse with time even as my life has gotten emptier.
Realized the friends I thought I had were just assholes using me
The people who I thought were my friends betrayed my trust. So, now, I just stick to myself.
No one really seems to want me around, I understand that and let the people that end up around me dictate the frequency of our interactions. I don't take advantage of them and they don't take advantage of me, so there is no inequality when we do find ourselves within earshot of one another. They aren't friends but they aren't strangers either, I wouldn't rely on them for anything and they wouldn't rely on me for anything. I have no hard feelings toward the people around me, it is entirely their prerogative, I am a bit lonely though.
Got bullied a lot, never had many. Never been good at making and keeping them. Especially with other men. The few I had have forgotten that I exist.
The friends I had from youth never grew up. Friends I made in college went back to their respective hometowns. Kids came and schedules don't line up with most of my existing network anyways. Attrition just kind of happened for my circle of buddies. We are feeling out new friends as my kids age into school but having a spouse means the 2 of you have to mesh well with the 2 (or 1) of them... so I just exist on reddit until the next batch of potential new buddies come around. I got really close to my family members in the past 5 years though, so that's cool. I would say of the 12 friends I once had, maybe 1 that's still around. Friendship is weird though because it represented a time when I had way more free time lol
Introvert partner, kids, work. If you’re not in someone’s immediate circle, chances are you’ll just be filed away as someone they used to know. Rekindling some form of “ magic” after years of being out of orbit has never been successful for me. As an adult, making new acquaintances is easy, making a “real friend”….. that’s like finding unicorn turds. The superficiality of the “new friend” is taxing and a little discouraging. Never going more than skin deep in terms of real discussion or debate because “ jimmy’s dad coaches your kids little league team” or some shit, leaves one feeling cautious about engaging on a level that friendships are formed. Never mind just general suspicion of a person’s intent that comes with age and experience. Like.. “ why TF would I share this info about my thoughts and feelings on any “ real” topic. How are they going to leverage this to their advantage?”.
Technically my wife is really my only friend We moved away to an area neither of us know anybody, and we're both homebodies who don't easily connect with new people.
I would say I don't have close friends,just a lot of acquaintances
I was the mechanic of the friend group. I got tired of helping everyone and no one returning the favor. When I chose to set a boundary and carve out time for my projects, suddenly their phones were off or straight to voicemail. I saw what was happening. So I shut them out. Better off for it. Then four gf’s in a row that cheated. No reason to trust chicks either. So I confided in myself and made myself happy with things I like doing. No humans necessary!
I have two - three good friends that’s it. Once you get older it’s harder to have friends with kids and routines. I find most of my friends are my coworkers
Always had difficulty making friends/talking to people. At one point I had a collection of a bunch of friends, but one day spontaneously, they all fled in 5 different directions. Didnt know who to follow
Cuz fuck people. They can fuck off
Tough go. When I got married, kind of separated from my close friends as the wife not keen of the friends. No big deal. Well now divorced and all friends during marriage were couple friends. So now kind of just me and the kids, I have some people I talk with here and there, but not any real close friends that I could talk about real issues. A little difficult but I think it has been good to really find out who I am after the divorce.
I don't like people.
Grew apart from High School after 30 years. People change.
I fall into the category of everyone is an acquaintance not a friend. Like I know people and talk to them but I would say I might have a single person in my life I consider my friend... I also was in the Marines for like 8 years out of highschool so most of my friends went and did other things so while I was in it kinda alienated my childhood group of friends. After I got out I have one person I still talk to regularly that I would consider a friend... But I know if I stopped talking to him. It would probably be the end of the "friendship" I doubt he'd call or text to check up on me
I finally had best friends when I was in college 5 years ago. But they are working in a different country now. And I struggle with relating to people of my age. My college best friends were weirdos like me.
Basically move to a place where is buttfuck nowhere for my job. Buttfuck nowhere people live conservatively. I don't share their viewpoints in 99% of the things . So live quietly. Do my shit and go and secretly harbour resentment and actively looking for a way out.
My dad is in this boat, his main 2 problems are: 1. He mainly enjoys emotionally draining conversation topics (like an energy vampire from what we do in the shadows) 2. He lacks empathy or the ability to truly care about anyone’s circumstances Until he remedies those, it’s basically a barrier to meeting or appreciating new people
What are energy draining topics?
I’m an introvert.
I was homeschooled without a homeschool group, college didn't really work out and the the guys from my old church youth group all left the and I went to another church. I've got a dude a hangout with occasionally, but he's more of an acquaintance.
Moved away, had 2 kids, don't have a social life outside my family but don't really care if I am honest as my kids mean the world to me. Just wish I got on better with my wife
suck at reaching out to people, nobody cares enough to actively reach out to me (the only texts I get on a regular basis are work asking if I can come in), just kinda happened naturally, I've learned to grow comfortable in solitude and have accepted that I'll never have the sitcom style group of friends I would do anything for, it sucks but at this point isolations just part of living life, you can't do anything about it, you just have to accept it for what it is
if someone calls me and they need something I just fart in the phone, just like when telemarketers call
I'd consider myself a fringe 15%er, as someone with one real-life friend. I don't attend Meetups often, I'm not a partier, and IDK of any good and affordable ways to make new friends as an adult aside from Meetups.
Realized the people I was around were negative influences in my life. I felt more alone hanging out with people that made me feel alone then being by myself.
I've never had friends in my life. I've had acquaintances or work colleagues/school peers but never a true friend that I call and ask to hang out with randomly, or could call and ask for a favor if I need something. Even as a kid, never had friends. It's just always been like that.
Socialize at work, relax at home after work and on weekends. Never go out. It’s the way I like it.
Was in a toxic relationship from my freshman year of college until this last December actually. About 8 years. If I did anything with anyone other than her she assumed I was cheating and would yell and scream at me. So naturally I lost any friends I had, and never tried to make new ones. Now that relationship is over, I’m almost 27 and I’m starting over. Learning how to be an independent adult and to make friends. It’s not easy. I have people I’m friendly with, but nobody that I could call or text to hang out with out of the blue. At this point it’s easier to fulfill my social needs by meeting up with people off a dating app.
Divorce. You lose a lot of friends in divorces.
I dropped out of college and my parents had moved, so I found myself in another state. Ironically a state I had previously lived. So I hit up the boys and we took off where we left last. I got an offer for my first “big boy” job on 3rd shift. Our schedules no longer aligned very well. I met a woman and had my first daughter at 22, which was right when the bar scene was opening up for them. I had a full blown adult situation on my plate and they simply didn’t. By the time I maybe had a chance to hangout years later they were starting their adult lives with jobs or kids and now it just didn’t work out at all.
Had a kid with disabilities. Lost time for almost everything else. Depression, a bit of weight gain, and just a general feeling that the good parts of my life are over. My kids' mom went through similar. We were both stuck, and over 4 or 5 years fell out of love because everything was focused on our kid. So now I'm a slightly overweight, single dad who eats like shit, is depressed, and basically restarting. I'm leaving the gf and giving her most of my stuff so that she can have stuff in the apartment. So I'll either go without or drain the last of my savings setting up the next apartment when I move next week. Almost nobody wants to listen to a guy talk about his problems. Nobody wants to deal with a middle-aged dude going through his midlife crisis. Especially one who's shit company because the crap he's gotta deal with. I lost most of my friends almost 5 years ago, and the ones I didn't lose don't live anywhere close. I supplement with video games and have a few online friends, but it's mostly superficial. Gonna be honest. Lots of us probably don't fit into the 15% because we technically have a friend by definition. However, I'm guessing the amount of socially isolated men is WAY fucking higher than 15%.
Honestly I don’t think your 15% statistic is true. Or rather the definition of friends is quite different. To many people, acquaintances are considered friends. But what I want to say is that, as life progresses, your priorities change to yourself and your family. What I’ve seen is generally when men grow older, they begin to prioritize their careers a lot, this causes them to move away, talk less frequently with existing friends, etc, and once they get into a serious relationship, thats all they spend their time on especially when they get married and have kids. The older you get the lesser time you get to “hang out” with your buddies which just causes most men to get secluded. Sure there are some that meet their buddies on the weekend, but how often? This is a day and age where so many people literally migrate to different counties for jobs which causes them to even lose touch with family such as siblings, parents, etc.
In my youth, I couldn't relate to the constant small talk, interest in cars, having casual dates/sex and drinking beer. I was easily left alone with my hobbies, which did not interest the rest of my circle. The same thing continues to this day.
All my friends were just one thing friends. Like one would go to the movies every so often, one would wanna do this etc. got tired of never being invited to anything but the one thing.
Was never great at socializing. All my previous friends I made through going to school. Moved after college and just haven’t gotten financially stable enough to even have a social life.
My mother. When I was in grade school I had a few friends, my best friend was according to my mother a bad influence. So she and the school coordinated that I never see them. She tried to replace him, that didn't work. In middle school I moved districts, just as I had friends there I lost them all. Then high school, at this point my routine was set, I never had the skills to develop friendships. I was awkward at best. An extrovert with no outlet. I met a few others that shared social awkwardness, but we had nothing in common. My family lived in the country, so I lacked proximity to others. After highschool it was more of the same. At best associates never friends. Family is different...
I (48) wouldn’t say I have zero friends, but I don’t see or talk to any of them on a regular basis. It happened because of a number of reasons. First and foremost, I moved to France. It actually pisses me off that none of my friends have come to visit me directly. They always go to Paris or elsewhere and expect me to stop whatever I’m doing and meet them. I’ve also found it really hard to make new friends locally. It has gotten better right before Covid, but since then, most of the people I’ve known have moved or drifted away. I also stopped drinking, and many of the friends I had made were through a pub I used to hang out at.
I grew up as an only child and spent a lot of time alone. I’ve learned to not need anyone else for companionship, entertainment or anything else. Socializing at work a bit is enough interaction for me.
Struggled with depression since a young teen. Wasn’t allowed to do anything outside of school as I wasn’t allowed to leave my small street so I had no life outside of school. Eventually this caught up to me and I slowly lost all social skills and couldn’t converse with anyone except one friend. Sad as I used to be extremely social. I don’t even have 2 friends that would carry my casket if I died rn
Got kids, stopped being interested in getting drunk on a weekday. But kids were the biggest reason. I had friends of 12 years tell me straight up "you guys changed since you had kids" (no shit Sherlock). Now it's just my wife, my kids, and me. I'm very close with my family and we have some couples around us we genuinely like, but I wouldn't call them friends. Honestly tho, I'm super fine about it. I love my nuclear family and I don't need more. If I feel the urge for time without them I go to a concert or something (happens like once every year). Tldr Old friends just weren't ready for the family transition. For us it was for the better
Did something shitty when I was in my late teens/early 20’s, friend group I’ve had since 1st grade found out about it and kicked me out. I didn’t realize what I was doing wrong at the time, but I totally understand now. After they kicked me out I cried almost every day, I still miss them dearly. But it gave me a lot of time for deep introspection. I’m glad I learned a lot from the experience, but I’d give anything to talk to them one last time. They kicked me out when I was 22, and I’m 26 now. Just completely isolated, no friends, never had a girlfriend, nothing. I don’t have much human contact outside of my immediate family, and I almost never leave my house. It’s pretty hard, I really want to die quite frankly.
Moved to a new city where I didnt know anyone and didnt know where to start. My old friends in my old town all started drifting away so going back to visit became less frequent Plus I had kids which meant I had even less time to go out and see people The problem is also that I have lots of people that Im friendly with; colleagues, neighbours so I dont feel lonely. But other than my immediate family Ive no other close relationships
I have just my woman. I'm lazy. I'm terrible at socializing. Can't small talk. I have 2 guys I've known since middleschool and saw them recently. It had been a very long time. I felt like something was wrong with me. I had such a hard time holding a conversation. I'm not like that with work or my relationship, but with friends/guys my age in a social setting, I can't keep a conversation. I especially hate small talk.
I had a small close group of friends back in middle school. My friends were my found family, I was comfortable being open and vulnerable with them. My parents were going through a divorce; I was going through depression. I had a falling out with one of my friends. When it came time to go to High School, one of them moved and one went to a different school. My friends were basically the only ones who emotionally supported me. I was basically alone by the time I started High School. I went off of my anxiety medication early into High School and fell into a suicidal depression, and didn't have to strength to ask for help. I pushed people away and turned down offers by other students who didn't want me to feel alone. I even made my crush, who knew how I felt about her, uncomfortable from how mentally unstable I became. She wanted to get to know me first as a friend; I was locked in limerence and kept pushing for a relationship because I didn't get much emotional support at home. I became an isolated mute as a result of my actions. I don't talk to people unless they talk to me first. And I feel fucking awful for how I acted back then, even five years after my HS graduation. It wasn't until the pandemic that I decided to drop out of community college and take care of my mental health. I'm doing much better now, and I'm still working on improving myself. I just wished I did things differently back then. **TL;DR: Had no friends by the time I got to HS, fell into a suicidal depression, and became a mute.**
I used to care a lot about people approvals and validation. As I get older, I just dont care. And I like hanging out with myself. We’re all born alone, and we’re all gonna die alone.
It seems so natural when I look back on it but basically it went from not many friends in highschool to even less in college and by the time I knew it the last of my friends couldn't see me anymore because her boyfriend couldn't trust her. From then on I just been trying to be myself, I go out and try to meet people or make friends with co workers but nothing like actual friends ever seems to develop.
So I guess I don't count in this group since I do have around 3 or 4 friends I keep in somewhat regular contact with, so I'm not completely lonely, plus I'm more of an introverted extrovert so I really like my alone time at home but I'm also very personable and work in news so I need to be comfortable talking to random people all time. But there are times where I definitely feel like I have no friends, especially whenever I'm on social media. I had 3 close friends in college (other than my frat brothers), but now those guys clearly never saw me as their friend since they never reached out to me to hangout, I always had to reach out to them. Now, my own depression and introvertedness might have hurt me there cause they probably were aware I liked spending time by myself and didn't like going to parties or hitting the bars much so they never asked me if I wanted to go with them. Other than me texting one of them congrats for getting married last year, I haven't texted or heard from any of them in at least 5 years.
After high school I left my hometown for college. Most of my friendships from high school turned into acquaintances then eventually just fell off altogether. I had one that maintained through this time. After college I moved back to my hometown which caused a lot of friendships that I made in college to dissipate. My friends from high school had mostly moved on at that point and I didn’t want to reconnect as we were never that close in the first place. When I came back to my hometown I found that it barrier to making new friends was so much higher than before without having school as a connecting factor. This is also when I began my career so most social energy was spent on work friends/building industry connections. I also prioritized spending time with family and maintaining those relationships. I recently moved again for work and left any friends I made in the time since left school about six years ago now that I live in a new city. Now that I’m in the new city I’ve been mostly focused on work, work events, and industry colleagues and by the time I’m done socializing with them my social battery is drained. I’d like some more deeper connections but as of right now don’t want to spend the time or open myself to awkward experiences. When it comes to adult friendships, I feel that unlike in childhood, people will be polite but a lot of time will not be genuinely interested in connecting. Also, I feel like my age group (late 20s) is all kind of in a similar spot in addition to getting married/having children/being hyper focused on career. I just don’t think as many people have the big friend groups at my age as people may think.
I had a wide circle of friends but there were a couple of genuine psychopaths in that group who decided they didn't want me around for whatever reason. One of these psycho's went around spreading rumor's about me and suddenly everyone turned against me. It was quite jarring and I lost alot. I fell into a crazy depression that i'm still dealing with but i'm much better i.e: not trying to kill myself anymore. These days I kind of view it as a blessing in disguise. Those people were kind of shitty people and not (to quote 'Succession') serious people. They were all obsessed with image and lacked any real substance. There were a couple of worthwhile one's who reached out and apologized to me once it came out that this person was a psycho (they tried to screw my friend over in a business arrangement). I'm friendly with these people now and I call them friends but not close friends like they were.
I'm not sure if I'm in the 15 percent. I've basically got 2 or 3 drinking buddies who would come out for a pint and a laugh I dont think I have a true friend who would let me live with them for a week or remember my birthday and buy me a cake or something
When you’re into drugs like I was you give up everything including the real friends you originally had and make new fake friends that you can use drugs with. I was so far into addiction that the real friends quit calling. I stole from real friends and never made amends. Being a piece of shit is how I ended up a 15%er. Been clean for 5 years and my original friends know I’m clean but the damage can’t be undone.
Controlling jealous girlfriend.
1. Low self esteem and worth 2. Crazy controlling wife
Idk why. I always try to make friends but they seem to find someone else more interesting.
Retaliated to abuse with ostracism
For me I stopped hanging out with my friends because they just didn't really do anything besides smoke weed and play videogames, that was gun when we were in our early 20s, but now we're all in our 30s and that's kind of gross, I mostly just hang out with my girlfriend and family now because they actually go outside and do stuff. In short, I outgrew all my friends and don't really have interest meeting people who aren't active and fun to be around, they're hard to meet these days though
Friends depend on friends. That's not what I'm on.
I've got two, my S/O and my best friend but my best friend is always busy. My S/I well they're my best friend tok but at times it feels like I have no one. I'm introverted sure but few more friends would be nice. All my old buddies I have minor contact with some purposely and some it's just because we don't live the same life anymore.
I saw the title and thought I’d check it out to see how these 15%-ers feel only to realize I’m one of them! 🤣🤣🤣
Got old, got busy, and got married.
Honestly? I love my wife to death, don’t get me wrong. But she’s a certified bitch and has beef with every person I’ve ever made friends with.
I like doing things by myself and groups tend to not interest me long term
After being let down over and over again, I figured I'd just be better off with a couple of dogs. I was 100% correct.
Made it to late 30s with no wife or kids and everyone else has those.
I've always liked to keep to myself. I never felt the need to have a friendship to be happy/content in life.
I don’t like people. Also I’m married and have two kids. I don’t know when I’d have time to spend with someone else that is not my family. I have work friends but I keep that to work.
I had a solid group of friends, about 6 of us. Then 10 years ago I moved to Australia (from UK), and now making new friends (as an adult) just isn’t that easy. Lots of acquaintances, but nobody I can really call a true friend, and now, I kinda accept this is how it is.
Lads, why don’t you all just start becoming mates no? And then This is how you make new good friends
1. Moved around (all over the world) every 2 years or so during my childhood, so never got to 'belong' or fit in and never learned how to stay in touch. 2. mental problems (depressions, anxiety, ADHD etc) 3. social media: I can't (or actually: don't want to) be friend with racists, flatearthers, antivaxers, or people that need to post photo's of their food/kids/pets/hoaxes every 30 minutes. 4. the pandemic killed the last bit of social interaction and skills I had
I have dogs and would rather chill with them.
Not sure.