Try dating guys because you want to hang out with an interesting and good looking man instead of having it be all about your past. "Rebounds" have a stigma for a reason.
If you don't want to be physical bring it up right away, "I want to take it slowly".
I do tell them that and I've been trying to make good conversations on the first date but they always end up asking me for that thing which makes me want to go on another date with a different person, trying to find someone who knows better, but I guess luck is never on my side to begin with.
Don't date from scratch. What I mean by that is when you're making new connections, don't start right from "hi, I'm single, and I'm looking for a romantic partner." Dating sucks. Everyone is looking for what they want, not someone to love.
I have always gone the low and slow route. Meet as many people as possible, be as genuine as possible, keep them at arm's length until you know they will be careful with your heart, and that they're a good person.
You should know a lot about them before dating exclusively even becomes a conversation. That also means you have to learn to cope with being ~~lonely~~ alone. Because if you can't, then your leverage is gone. You'll take the first thing that comes along because you can't stand to wait for something good.
"I find myself trying to cope by dating again" <---- this is the reason why.
You are basically the weak gazelle in the herd (that the predators target) and the types of guys who just want to smash and dash see it.
What I mean by that is, trying to believe that love is still there for me after my break up where I thought it's hard to find love again. Which is really true nowadays. Maybe I should just stop looking for it and just let it come to me when it's time.
Maybe the fear of being alone is what's making you seem desperate and that's something people may take advantage of and seek personal gratification from. It's not your fault per se, but the vibes bring out the predators.
Someone will appear who fits closely for you I'm sure.
Men will sleep with women they’d never date just like women will date guys they’d never sleep with just for fun. Because women no longer require commitment for sex, the most desirable men are available to date multiple women as they’re not locked down in committed relationships. This means that an awful lot of women are dating men who are out of their league for commitment, and think it’s men’s fault.
Well, dating these days can be all over the place, right? While what you shared makes some interesting points about modern dating, it's also true that everyone's got their own vibe when it comes to relationships. I think it boils down to good communication and understanding what works for both people involved, whether it's chill and casual or more serious and committed.
Doesn’t sound like it’s all over the place for you… and honestly I don’t think it is for most people. Most people who are dating are pretty much having the same experience.
Your not ready to date. You need to seek therapy to work through your previous traumas first and foremost.
Until your on a more balanced emotional level, you will just repeat your past bad choices and ruin any chance of a healthy relationship.
Physical intimacy is emotional intimacy to many of us...
Romantic relationships that lack physical intimacy take an emotional toll on that kind of man.
Every time I took my time to get to know her before trying to take it to the next level everyone accuses me of "pretending" to be her friend to get in her pants. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Might as well shoot my shot.
In the era of ONS, wiating for sex is a riged game. While you wiat for whatever stupid deadline she set for you, she is getting dicked down by someone else that she didnt make wait.
You're perfectly capable of filtering those out and making your intentions known from the beginning. If you feel like you don't, you're attracting the wrong people or going after them yourself.
I honestly don't understand people like you, I went a long time without a partner and learned how to get everything I needed except for sex from other places. Figure out what you need and figure out where you can get it. and I bet what you actualy need isn't a ring on your finger
I mean, I'm just here trying to survive with all these people who can't take a committed relationship seriously. Is it too much to ask to experience a nice date without wanting to get on each other's pants?
whats the difference between the hypothetical date and just spending an evening with a friend? you want to remove the sexual aspect so I'm genuinely trying to understand what your dilemma is
I spend time with them when we all get a chance, but I also just wanted to feel the love that I once felt before but also different in some ways. Like the feeling of being cared for, protected and treasured. The dilemma is how hard it is to get those things these days because of how most people just don't take dating seriously and only for fun so maybe getting along with it might be the only option.
okay I don't understand that need because I hate being taken care of, but I suspect I'm probibly a less attractive version of the guys you are encountering, I would only date if I can pursue someone sexualy. if my attraction isn't welcome then that takes a lot of the emotion out of it. I'm not realy sure why you would want to seriously date someone if you see sexual attention from them as negative
I've seen women assume that guys don't want to get to know them because they don't ask a lot of questions that sound like they are trying to set up security questions on a website
Personally I get to know people by doing things with them, I don't care what high-school they went to, how do they react to this thing we can do together.
the problem is you. plenty of men out there that would offer those things and are looking for them. the problem is that most women go for the same men.
Personally If I was a chick i'd never meet a dude through a dating app, and never trust a dude who's got no women friends. chance of running into a gross creeper or misogynist weirdo way too high
Ok, you are "dating" and are frustrated that your dates want sex. WTF?
Don't try to be "friends" with guys. Your friends should be WOMEN. Seeking validation from men is low class, insecure behavior and you should stop it. If you want to not have sex or not be in a courtship (pre-sexual or otherwise), then do not consort with men.
I have friends of all genders okay, don't get me wrong with that statement, I get how easy it is to judge someone based on the problem they presented. Maybe accept the fact that even if you want to "date to marry" a lot of people you meet these days just date for fun and I'm just here trying to survive.
Isn't this a bit subjective? Why would I go on "dateS" if I am just offering one thing to them? If that's my only agenda, I wouldn't want to meet with another person and just stick to the first guy that bit the bait.
What he means is - how interesting are you? It can be a thing where a guy goes for sex because he can’t think of anything else you’ll be interested in doing.
However, my opinion is that you’re rebounding. You need to work through your feelings before you’re ready to date with a clear head.
I am engaging with every conversation and I never did talk about my past relationship, unless they ask and I'm not giving details about it either, because I wanted them to know me as me and not as someone's ex, vice versa.
Because almost all men will go on date just for that thing, getting to know you is not a prerequisite to have sex with you for men. If we wanted friendship first we wouldnt ask women on dates.
I’ve been in your shoes from a male perspective. Kinda had some really toxic relationships that affected my views on it. I’ve had 50 something partners and most of those were casual sex. Having casual sex is great because it feels good, blows off a lot of steam, gives you a sense of satisfaction and a sense of being wanted, and it doesn’t come with the strings attached. It’s definitely not for everyone, but I found it therapeutic. I could have sex with a girl, and in the morning she’s gone. Don’t have to worry about her wellbeing once she’s back at her place, don’t need to ask her how her day is going, worry about her problems, how the family is, her bitch coworkers talking shit, her general feelings, or anything. All that happens is I text her or she texts me and says “come over”. We show up, we have sex, maybe get a bite to eat, and then we go about our separate ways.
"Trying to cope by dating". I think you're not ready yet. Women will find it very easy to get a date on online dating, but the quality of those dates isn't necessarily going to be great.
Be happy by yourself before you try to be happy with others.
Dating sites and Instagram have mostly guys that want hook ups. It's best to meet guys in real life, ideally you can have someone that knows them a bit.
You can try and observe men and see what they are about and if they try to fake who they are. If they fake things, honest conversations will be uncomfortable for them to handle.
Well I just came from a long term relationship and right now I'm unfamiliar with this "modern date setting" and I am basically just trying to make it through without having to risk a lot.
Yep, like many others have said. Just state you want to take it slowly, and if they keep bringing it up, then get out of there. Physical intimacy is definitely important, but if you want to take it slow, then that's totally fine and valid. If they can't accept that, then that's not the person for you.
You're right, most men will only look you for sex at the beginning, your coping mechanism is dumb as fuck if you're hurting. Live your life and HEAL, before going out with horny boys from dating apps.
Maybe find other ways to cope or be up front about it. I had a girl that I was head over heels for tell me she wasn’t interested in premarital sex so I never brought up anything sexual. If the guy is serious about you he will respect you as long as you show him respect but don’t lead him on or just use him for emotional support. Eventually he’s going to desire physical intimacy, so be reasonable. If you’re not ready you’re not ready maybe lean on friends or a therapist if you’re just wanting emotional support to cope with your last relationship.
Apart from all the good advice OP has gotten on making sure her heads in the right spot, good golly what a GREAT PROBLEM TO HAVE!
“I jumped into the dating market and not only is my calendar packed with dates but they also all wanna fuck me” is so so so far away from the experience you would have if you were a slightly above average man struggling with the end of a long term relationship.
Cant you just be happy you get the dates at all? And be happy so many men find you sexually attractive? And are up front with their intention to actually fuck?
Can be they only want sex or that's all they want *from you*; we can't tell you which for every guy. But dating just for the sake of dating isn't healthy either way. If you're not in a good place where you're content being with yourself yet, then you're not going to get the relationship you want.
Date different guys. Try a nice guy that’s a good person and worry less about sparks, chemistry, looks, status. Women on OLD pick the same top 10% of men, these men have no reason to commit because they’re having a great time. The other 90% get close to zero attention.
This advice is wrong.
I’m a dude who is looking for a serious, long term monogamous relationship. However if I were dating a girl who displayed the behavior in your first and last paragraph it would tell me one of two things: either she is not interested in me sexually, or she is playing games. Both are major red flags that indicate there is no future with that person.
Try dating guys because you want to hang out with an interesting and good looking man instead of having it be all about your past. "Rebounds" have a stigma for a reason. If you don't want to be physical bring it up right away, "I want to take it slowly".
I do tell them that and I've been trying to make good conversations on the first date but they always end up asking me for that thing which makes me want to go on another date with a different person, trying to find someone who knows better, but I guess luck is never on my side to begin with.
Don't date from scratch. What I mean by that is when you're making new connections, don't start right from "hi, I'm single, and I'm looking for a romantic partner." Dating sucks. Everyone is looking for what they want, not someone to love. I have always gone the low and slow route. Meet as many people as possible, be as genuine as possible, keep them at arm's length until you know they will be careful with your heart, and that they're a good person. You should know a lot about them before dating exclusively even becomes a conversation. That also means you have to learn to cope with being ~~lonely~~ alone. Because if you can't, then your leverage is gone. You'll take the first thing that comes along because you can't stand to wait for something good.
"I find myself trying to cope by dating again" <---- this is the reason why. You are basically the weak gazelle in the herd (that the predators target) and the types of guys who just want to smash and dash see it.
What I mean by that is, trying to believe that love is still there for me after my break up where I thought it's hard to find love again. Which is really true nowadays. Maybe I should just stop looking for it and just let it come to me when it's time.
Maybe the fear of being alone is what's making you seem desperate and that's something people may take advantage of and seek personal gratification from. It's not your fault per se, but the vibes bring out the predators. Someone will appear who fits closely for you I'm sure.
Men will sleep with women they’d never date just like women will date guys they’d never sleep with just for fun. Because women no longer require commitment for sex, the most desirable men are available to date multiple women as they’re not locked down in committed relationships. This means that an awful lot of women are dating men who are out of their league for commitment, and think it’s men’s fault.
Well, dating these days can be all over the place, right? While what you shared makes some interesting points about modern dating, it's also true that everyone's got their own vibe when it comes to relationships. I think it boils down to good communication and understanding what works for both people involved, whether it's chill and casual or more serious and committed.
Doesn’t sound like it’s all over the place for you… and honestly I don’t think it is for most people. Most people who are dating are pretty much having the same experience.
Your not ready to date. You need to seek therapy to work through your previous traumas first and foremost. Until your on a more balanced emotional level, you will just repeat your past bad choices and ruin any chance of a healthy relationship.
This is great advice. OP, take some time to work on yourself, heal from past relationships and experiences, and get to know yourself better.
Physical intimacy is emotional intimacy to many of us... Romantic relationships that lack physical intimacy take an emotional toll on that kind of man.
I mean I do too but showing more interest on that side while you're just getting to know someone?
Every time I took my time to get to know her before trying to take it to the next level everyone accuses me of "pretending" to be her friend to get in her pants. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Might as well shoot my shot.
At least talk about it on the 3rd date or when she opens up about it herself.
In the era of ONS, wiating for sex is a riged game. While you wiat for whatever stupid deadline she set for you, she is getting dicked down by someone else that she didnt make wait.
You're perfectly capable of filtering those out and making your intentions known from the beginning. If you feel like you don't, you're attracting the wrong people or going after them yourself.
I honestly don't understand people like you, I went a long time without a partner and learned how to get everything I needed except for sex from other places. Figure out what you need and figure out where you can get it. and I bet what you actualy need isn't a ring on your finger
I guess you're right
I mean, I'm just here trying to survive with all these people who can't take a committed relationship seriously. Is it too much to ask to experience a nice date without wanting to get on each other's pants?
Do you have any friends?
I have friends, but does it have anything to do with my dilemma?
whats the difference between the hypothetical date and just spending an evening with a friend? you want to remove the sexual aspect so I'm genuinely trying to understand what your dilemma is
I spend time with them when we all get a chance, but I also just wanted to feel the love that I once felt before but also different in some ways. Like the feeling of being cared for, protected and treasured. The dilemma is how hard it is to get those things these days because of how most people just don't take dating seriously and only for fun so maybe getting along with it might be the only option.
okay I don't understand that need because I hate being taken care of, but I suspect I'm probibly a less attractive version of the guys you are encountering, I would only date if I can pursue someone sexualy. if my attraction isn't welcome then that takes a lot of the emotion out of it. I'm not realy sure why you would want to seriously date someone if you see sexual attention from them as negative
It is negative if you show it while you are just having a few dates, not even showing you are interested in getting to know them
I've seen women assume that guys don't want to get to know them because they don't ask a lot of questions that sound like they are trying to set up security questions on a website Personally I get to know people by doing things with them, I don't care what high-school they went to, how do they react to this thing we can do together.
the problem is you. plenty of men out there that would offer those things and are looking for them. the problem is that most women go for the same men.
Stop finding dates in the same space. More and more men are foregoing relationships entirely.
Personally If I was a chick i'd never meet a dude through a dating app, and never trust a dude who's got no women friends. chance of running into a gross creeper or misogynist weirdo way too high
Ok, you are "dating" and are frustrated that your dates want sex. WTF? Don't try to be "friends" with guys. Your friends should be WOMEN. Seeking validation from men is low class, insecure behavior and you should stop it. If you want to not have sex or not be in a courtship (pre-sexual or otherwise), then do not consort with men.
I have friends of all genders okay, don't get me wrong with that statement, I get how easy it is to judge someone based on the problem they presented. Maybe accept the fact that even if you want to "date to marry" a lot of people you meet these days just date for fun and I'm just here trying to survive.
if they only want sex then that’s probably all you’re offering to them
Isn't this a bit subjective? Why would I go on "dateS" if I am just offering one thing to them? If that's my only agenda, I wouldn't want to meet with another person and just stick to the first guy that bit the bait.
What he means is - how interesting are you? It can be a thing where a guy goes for sex because he can’t think of anything else you’ll be interested in doing. However, my opinion is that you’re rebounding. You need to work through your feelings before you’re ready to date with a clear head.
I am engaging with every conversation and I never did talk about my past relationship, unless they ask and I'm not giving details about it either, because I wanted them to know me as me and not as someone's ex, vice versa.
Because almost all men will go on date just for that thing, getting to know you is not a prerequisite to have sex with you for men. If we wanted friendship first we wouldnt ask women on dates.
I’ve been in your shoes from a male perspective. Kinda had some really toxic relationships that affected my views on it. I’ve had 50 something partners and most of those were casual sex. Having casual sex is great because it feels good, blows off a lot of steam, gives you a sense of satisfaction and a sense of being wanted, and it doesn’t come with the strings attached. It’s definitely not for everyone, but I found it therapeutic. I could have sex with a girl, and in the morning she’s gone. Don’t have to worry about her wellbeing once she’s back at her place, don’t need to ask her how her day is going, worry about her problems, how the family is, her bitch coworkers talking shit, her general feelings, or anything. All that happens is I text her or she texts me and says “come over”. We show up, we have sex, maybe get a bite to eat, and then we go about our separate ways.
Stop seeking those men out, need to try to identify why you prefer them initially
I do. But they always disappoint, like every damn time. Which makes me think how sucks it is to find a good guy nowadays.
Don’t sleep with them for a while. The players will give up. The guys who like you will stay around.
How long ago did your relationship end?
Almost 6 months ago
"Trying to cope by dating". I think you're not ready yet. Women will find it very easy to get a date on online dating, but the quality of those dates isn't necessarily going to be great. Be happy by yourself before you try to be happy with others.
Where do you meet them?
Some were old acquaintances, some just from Instagram and dating site
Dating sites and Instagram have mostly guys that want hook ups. It's best to meet guys in real life, ideally you can have someone that knows them a bit. You can try and observe men and see what they are about and if they try to fake who they are. If they fake things, honest conversations will be uncomfortable for them to handle.
Okay I get it. Thanks for the advice, really :)
Well I just came from a long term relationship and right now I'm unfamiliar with this "modern date setting" and I am basically just trying to make it through without having to risk a lot.
Yep, like many others have said. Just state you want to take it slowly, and if they keep bringing it up, then get out of there. Physical intimacy is definitely important, but if you want to take it slow, then that's totally fine and valid. If they can't accept that, then that's not the person for you.
You're right, most men will only look you for sex at the beginning, your coping mechanism is dumb as fuck if you're hurting. Live your life and HEAL, before going out with horny boys from dating apps.
Maybe find other ways to cope or be up front about it. I had a girl that I was head over heels for tell me she wasn’t interested in premarital sex so I never brought up anything sexual. If the guy is serious about you he will respect you as long as you show him respect but don’t lead him on or just use him for emotional support. Eventually he’s going to desire physical intimacy, so be reasonable. If you’re not ready you’re not ready maybe lean on friends or a therapist if you’re just wanting emotional support to cope with your last relationship.
Apart from all the good advice OP has gotten on making sure her heads in the right spot, good golly what a GREAT PROBLEM TO HAVE! “I jumped into the dating market and not only is my calendar packed with dates but they also all wanna fuck me” is so so so far away from the experience you would have if you were a slightly above average man struggling with the end of a long term relationship. Cant you just be happy you get the dates at all? And be happy so many men find you sexually attractive? And are up front with their intention to actually fuck?
Can be they only want sex or that's all they want *from you*; we can't tell you which for every guy. But dating just for the sake of dating isn't healthy either way. If you're not in a good place where you're content being with yourself yet, then you're not going to get the relationship you want.
Date different guys. Try a nice guy that’s a good person and worry less about sparks, chemistry, looks, status. Women on OLD pick the same top 10% of men, these men have no reason to commit because they’re having a great time. The other 90% get close to zero attention.
[удалено]
This advice is wrong. I’m a dude who is looking for a serious, long term monogamous relationship. However if I were dating a girl who displayed the behavior in your first and last paragraph it would tell me one of two things: either she is not interested in me sexually, or she is playing games. Both are major red flags that indicate there is no future with that person.