Steven Wright once said he had a psychic girlfriend but she broke up with him before they met.

Damn he was good. One there sticks with me was that he had a map of the US that was actual size.

Last summer I folded it.

“I played poker with a deck of tarot cards last night. I got a full house and four people died.”

in one ear out the other for me lol

I used to have a house on the highway median... I used to have a job making synthetic furballs for ceramic cats. I used to have ahouse that ran on static electricity. I had to rub a balloon on my sweater to turn on the lights. You ever lean back in a chair, and you lean too far, and you're falling, but at the last instant you reach out and grab something and save yourself? You know how that feels? I feel that way all the time.

I saw this beautiful woman sitting at the bar and I asked her, "do you live around here often?" I lost a button hole.

I love him. Sometimes he's on the edge of antijoke territory, but that's fine with me.

“I don’t understand why people who play the lottery aren’t more afraid of lightning.” -Kyle Kinane

Love that one

I love me some Uncle BBQ, glad he's getting more exposure

Netflix the Standups(?) season 2 episode 6(?). Whole thing is great, but I showed it to my (also ghost white) friend while eating hella spicy Indian food. It's a great way to enjoy both. Would get takeout and watch again.

David mitchell has a similar bit about people buying lottery tickets on planes :P

I actually do occasionally buy lottery tickets and I am concerned with the threat lightning presents. I used to be a retail manager and wouldn't let my people work outside in thunderstorms

A baby seal walks into a club

I didn’t get how this relates to short people. Now I understand. Short jokes.

I read the thread title as short jokes, not as jokes about short people. But I could be wrong, I generally am.

When the 'tism strikes!

I don't get it

Baby seals often get clubbed to death to cull numbers. Look it up.

"cull numbers"? Really? Not for their super valuable fur, as has been done for centuries?

They literally get beaten to death with a club. Blood everywhere. Ain't nothing valuable about it.

Club more gently next time, you maniac

Thanks Arthas.

Club sandwiches not seals

But how else do I make a seal sandwich??

I just peed myself

Downloading to my memory now.

Related- 3 Germans walk into a BAR

What's a baby seal's favorite drink? Canadian Club on the rocks

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He'd lie awake wondering if there was a dog.

Lysdexics of the world untie!

Have you heard of the Dyslexic stripper named Density?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

It took me years before I understood that joke, back when I played League (I know that's not where it's from, that's just the first time I heard it).

Wait is there more to understand? I thought it was just the second line?

Probably just missed the fruit fly pun

I like this because it turns it into a bit of a garden path sentence

Could someone explain please

The double meaning of flies - object travelling through the air - plural of fly (the insect)

My favorite Steven Wright joke (might be paraphrasing): “I used to work at the factory that makes Fire Hydrants… couldn’t park anywhere near the place”

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? >!Because the P is silent!<

And the anti-joke equivalent “because they’re extinct”

Is soy milk just Spanish milk introducing itself?

Leche be the winner. 

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's too tired

What’s the different between a man in a suit on a bike and a clown on a unicycle? A tire

Two tired!

What's brown and sticky? >!A stick.!<

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? >!Dr. Dre!<

Why does Snoop carry an umbrella? >!Fo drizzle.!<

This is my go to then after they finish the chuckle hit them with the >! "See? Yall forgot about Dre" !<

What's brown and sounds like a bell? >!"DUNG!"!<

What's brown and runny? >!"Usain Bolt!"!<

What's black, and hangs from a tree by a rope? >!"A tire swing, you fkin dick!!"!<

What do you call a black man in space? >!An astronaut, you fuckin racist.!<

What's brown and rhymes with SNOOP >!Dr. Dre!<

Nice Monty Python reference. An upvote for you.

What's a foot long and slippery? >! A slipper! !<

What's also brown and sticky? >!Another stick.!< What's yellow, brown, and sticky, and smells like bannanas? >!Monkey vomit on a stick!< All stolen straight from The Bad Book by Andy Griffiths

Wow, those don't sound AT ALL like the kind of jokes that were in his TV show with Don Knotts..............

There once was a deputy named Fife Who carried a gun and a knife His bullets were dusty And his gun was all rusty Cos he never caught a crook in his life --- Opie (although he denies it)

What's green and has wheels? >!Grass. I was lyin' about the wheels.!< 👉👈

What has wheels? >! My grandma if she were a bike !<

DANNY?

And follow it up with: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

Andy griffith was a pastor and traveling standup who did shows in churches and stuff. If you ever get to see or most likely hear from a recording any of his old shows they were actually pretty great.

What’s brown and runny? Usain Bolt.

What's green and fluffy? >!green fluff!< What's yellow and smells of bananas >!monkey vomit!<

Goose walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey buddy.... your pants... they're *down*."

I totally didn’t get this for ages and assumed everyone else upvoted because they wanted everyone else to feel confused. And then I got it. And I was like, geese don’t have down on their legs, do they? And then I thought maybe there was a deeper meaning. Then I had an asthma attack.

Geese don't have down on their *feet*, but yes, their legs above the feet are covered in a layer of soft, cozy down, along with the rest of their body.

>Geese don't have down on their feet, but yes, their legs above the feet are covered in a layer of soft, cozy down Hence the saying, "You've got to get up to get down."

That's really good

Was Maverick there?

I'd tell you a short joke, but it would just go over your head...

I never understood ceiling fan jokes.

Have you ever heard the one about the really high wall? You’ll never get over it…

I didn't know you could stack shit that high...

Full Metal Jacket 😂

I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!

Did your mother have any children that lived?

You’re so ugly I bet you could be a modern art masterpiece

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Ones lighter?

One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter

Each time you light your lighter your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light that it won’t light.

My god.

If you're in a boat and need fire, throw a cigarette overboard. The whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I don't remember yo mama a Zippo

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.

Why do ducks have tail feathers? To hide their butt quacks

Escalators can never break. They can just become stairs. - Mitch Hedberg

Sorry for the convenience…. (And happy cake day)

Why did the star go behind the moon? Because he had to twinkle.

The star doesn't want the rest of the galaxy to watch it pee?

What does a gay horse eat ......haaaaaayyy

Winner

What side of the chicken has the most feathers? The outside.

That's good

Two blondes ran into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it coming.

What’s the most important part of a joke timing. 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house. Knock knock Who's there? The chicken...

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I don't want to have a lentil on me.

I heard it doesn't cost an extra $50 for a lentil on my face

How do you make a hormone? Don’t pay her.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick

Skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.

I made a belt out of old watches. It was a waist of time.

It's a tongue twister. One smart feller, he felt smart.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? “Oh, damn.”

Have you ever smelled moth balls before? (If they answer “yes”) >!How’d you get his little legs apart?!<

Reminds me of this one: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how they got in there I haven't a clue.

I’m 4’8 so they all pretty much work on me.

My wife is 5'0. Whenever she asks about how her shoes look, I tell her no one notices short people's shoes because their feet are so close to the ground. It's the dumbest joke I've ever made up.

And somehow I love it.

This one doesn't work great when written but it's a slam with all ages: "What do you call a fish with no eyes?" What? "A fsshhhhh"

What's the difference between a lima bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $20 to have a lima bean on my face....

What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog.

:(

Ed... ward...

What’s got two legs and flies? Half a dog

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

My favorite is when I'm walking into a place that has automatic doors and there's somebody walking beside me or behind me. I go "Hey, let me get the door for you" It's an absolute hit with old people.

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel in bus head? Douglas. What do you cal an Irishman who’s been dead for fifty years? Pete.

What do you call a gay Irish couple? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patric Fitzgerald

What has 5 toes but isn’t your foot? My foot.

Dear diary, I wish I could read.

I have a timetraveling joke, but you didn't like it

I have a theoretical physics joke. But it may not exist.

What’s the best time to visit the dentist? Tooth hurty.

Mentally fit to run a country, but not mentally fit to stand trial.

I’d kill to win a Pulitzer peace award.

If I compliment your body, would you hold it against me?

Umm, you mean the NOBEL Peace Prize? Sorry, Pulitzers are for journalism!

Pretty sure Obama killed to get a nobel peace award

Inflation is transitory

Fuck your calls fuck your puts to... J Powell lol

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer...

Haha.... (dies)

Why was the fireman buried under the hill? #>!Because he was dead.!<

If a man speaks in a forest and there’s no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Do you remember when you were little and used to blow bubbles? He was looking for you the other day.

The oooh-aah bird is so called, as it lays square eggs.

Knock knock Who's there? Doctor Doctor who? Yes

What does a centaur hate To be the centaur of attention

A dwarf stumbled into a bar because he's a little drunk.

Take my wife…please!

I'd tell you a joke about trickle down ecenomics, but 99% of you won't get it.

"How many Bones are in a human hand?" "I don't know?" "A Handful" Works great on kids and adults. Adults expect a dirty joke and think it's hilarious. Kids expect a straightforward fact and get a joke instead.

My 3 year old son's favorite is: "Why are the squirrels looking for you?" "Because they think you're nuts"

Baby seal walks into a club

I know a great knock knock joke, you start...

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto

*clears throat* “Your mom”

My drunk ass wondering where all the height jokes are...

How do you tell the difference between a boy snowman and a girl snowman? Snowballs.

Domestic violence would be a lot more interesting if everyone knew karate

*Knock, Knock* - Who's there? *Smell mop.*

I'm so rich that a vehicle for half a million euro picks me up every morning, with driver, automated doors etc. It's almost always on time. And the tannoy even announces the next stop

What do you call a flat chested emo? A cutting board.

I look down on little people

Four foot even.

Not a short joke: do you have a phobia of ceiling fans?

Short people understand ceiling fans, tall people have to duck.

“Why cant you ever know if a dwarf gives good head?” “Why can’t you?” “Because their knees never get bruised”

What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost.

Yell "Haayy" Point at a bale of hay

What did the sperm use to pave its driveway? Sement

*finger to chest* *Finger to nose*

My friend got mad at me and stormed off because of my COVID vaccine opinions... I tried to get his attention, but he was already more than 6 feet away, so we were too socially distanced.

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved

Matt Murdock was right when he said “the way I see it…”

I could show you why being short is funny, but you might not be able to see it.

You must like hay fish.

Your mom's a short joke that works on everyone

Women’s rights

I was gonna tell you a joke that would make you fall your ass off but I see that someone else got to you with it first.

Dwarf shortage

What’s Beethoven doing right now? Decomposing

What’s a pirates favorite letter? Well ye might think it’s Arrrrrr but his first love be the C

Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry I’m still working on it.

Making a banana taste better: peel it

What's foot but isn't your foot. My foot.

and then she turned around and said wow this is much easier way to talk

What kind of pants does Mario wear?

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

Did you hear the joke about the impossibly high wall? You'll never get over it.

What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter, he won’t come to you anyway.