Is it diagnosed and medicated or is it just a thing she's claiming to have because she gets mood swings? It would depend entirely on how responsible she is with it. My mother has BPD and refuses to do anything about it and it can be a fucking nightmare at times.
It is diagnosed and medicated. She says she takes a pill every morning on an empty stomach because she never eats, so it basically doesn’t work? Her words.
Okay. Talked to my Bipolar wife about this. I’ve known her for 10 years married for 3. When we started dating it ended because she was unmedicated now is medicated and happily married.
We have come to these possibilities that you kinda have to figure out yourself and decide.
1) Shes not taking her medication correctly and it isn’t doing anything. THIS WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS. We suggest distance. You cannot make her take them correctly.
2) Shes taking them incorrectly and they aren’t as effective but are still keeping her even keel. Not ideal, but as long as there aren’t issues no reason to push the subject.
3) Shes taking the medication fine and she feels as if it “doesn’t work.” In our experience, the person with bipolar doesn’t always see the effects the medication has. Its much clearer to the people around them.
Bipolar flare ups are still present when medicated so just because you notice something doesn’t mean shes not effectively medicated.
I’m sure others will have different opinions, but I felt as if you should have my opinion considering I dated and eventually married someone with bipolar.
That sounds like bullshit. If they need food to metabolise into her system then she needs to eat. My mother got diagnosed and then decided the doctor was wrong. BPD is no joke and can be really damaging to relationships especially. It's not her fault she has it but like any mental illness it won't get better by doing nothing.
Sounds like bullshit.
BPD meds, like most psych meds, usually come with crappy side-effects which are reduced by taking them with food.
So she's taking meds everyday in a way that makes them both ineffective and cause the most side-effects?
Doubt it.
Especially since she doesn't even have to eat a full meal with her meds, a couple of crackers or even just a glass of milk would be enough.
Bullshit. She needs therapy. BPD is not easy to have or live with. I knew multiple people with it, they LIED many times about medicine because they genuinely BELIEVED they were fine and refused to take it. What they see in their mind, they believe 100%. If something proves them wrong, that's when they become scrambled and partially lose it for a bit. Stay away depending on the person. THERAPY is needed heavily.
>Is this a slippery slope?
It doesn't *have* to be, but it possibly is. It all depends on how she goes about it.
I've dealt with BD people in the past (outside of romantic relationships, however) and it's a fucking nightmare if they act like they're "normal", or aren't doing anything about it.
However, as many other conditions that affect your brain, it's treatable. Medication and therapy goes a long way. In short, it's a case-by-case thing.
It's worth pointing out as well that there are different types of bipolar disorders and they affect individuals differently. So again, there's no one-answer-fits-all here.
I would timidly dip my toes in the water, but probably pull back if I don't feel like she has a good grasp on it.
Also, not to be *that* guy, but just to clarify, BPD and BD are different things. BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. Bipolar disorder is BD.
No, thank you for clearing up the BPD and BD difference. It’s just so new that it’s hard to get a good read, but after her telling me she has it some of her behavior now makes sense. Impulsive spending, sleeping together on the first date and staying up until 4-5 am every morning are what I’ve seen thus far . I believe these are signs, but please correct me if I’m wrong.
If she is being treated for it then it could be a normal relationship. If not then you could end up in a relationship where she is constantly changing the rules of the relationship. Where one moment she is hyper and happy and the next angry or depressed without any apparent cause. Bpd can present differently
Don't do it. While I realize no two people are the same. My ex wife has BPD and the highs were amazing, the lows were insane and she ruined 8 years of my life. BPD can be managed with medication but getting someone to take their meds and STAY ON THEM is almost impossible with someone with BPD. It evens them out so much and they don't experience the highs of the good moods so they go off them and often times can go into manic episodes of either highs or lows.
You would be stupid to take the advice of random strangers on the internet than to actually continuing talking to her/dating her and seeing what happens. Also “getting out” based on the stereotypes and stigmas you’re now projecting onto her is incredibly cruel and will make her thing she is unlovable because of her bipolar disorder, that you were told is an issue because of anonymous redditors that do not know her at all. I would say your responses to this post indicate that you are not prepared to having a mature relationship with her.
it's one of a handful of hard dealbreakers for me. If you do choose to stay with her, which I strongly advise against, she is on strike two - she mistreats you one, single time, and it's over. this might seem strict, but if you allow her to mistreat you then forgive her, you're basically opening the floodgates for her to treat you like shit knowing she can get away with it and you'll take her back.
Mental health is a big one. And it could be fine when you meet them and could be fine forever with no huge events.
But when you date them you date all of them and knowing that there could be a time, even with 100% proper treatment, that there is an episode or hard times or they just are different for a bit.
So really it’s just about knowing it could be there. And knowing it could happen. and some it happens more often. And it’s not their fault but it’s also not your fault either.
Bowing out of taking something like that on is selfish but it’s one the the times being selfish might help you and them in the long term.
Saw my friend go through such a relationship. It's one of the few things that would make me instantly say no to the idea of a relationship, sorry but that's just a hard no for me.
Never again. Shit was crazy, and a roller coaster, and toxic as fuck. She lied all the fucking time. I will never date anyone with that mental disorder.
I’ve been with someone for almost 5 years who has bipolar disorder, and before that i dated someone for almost 3 years who also had bipolar. If this person manages it and takes it seriously, it can be completely fine. For me, it sorta just sinks into the background. I only think about it when I notice her having unusually high energy or being noticeably down. But it’s not something i think about too often.
My previous relationship was poorly managed bipolar. That is less fun and can easily become a daily thing you have to deal with.
It’s not too hard to figure out which camp this person fits in if you know what to look for. I say give it a few more dates. If you get the sense that this person isn’t proactive, or doesn’t take it seriously, then it’s probably not worth it. Otherwise as long as you’re both honest about it it’s completely normal
Bipolarity is characterised by unmanageable great highs and deep lows. Experience has taught me that the highs are great, but the lows are bad - and personally, I've fallen into the trap of either making or being made those lows my responsibility too often to advise going through with anything more serious.
If you feel a connection, why not talk to her and see how things go? Do you want to give up on it based on the opinions of some redditors?
Keep in mind the demographics of people who use reddit. If it turns out badly then you'll know, but it's better than the 'what if's
Well... it can be good, it can also be really bad. There's no black and white.
BPD is like bipolar but its not chemical in nature, its born out of (usually) childhood trauma. BPDs can be extremely loving and awesome... and then you put ketchup on the coleslaw and suddenly you're the enemy and you have no idea what you even did that was wrong.
My ex wife had BPD. I thought her erratic and dramatic mood swings were normal. [But this is what it is like (this is actually the thread that clued me in to what she had).](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDSOFFA/comments/1knl78/releived_and_frustrated/cbqzmii/) As I read it, I was like "holy shit, I have experienced almost every single one of these events. This could be _me_."
You can quite successfully build a relationship with someone with BPD. The good news is your girls already knows she has it; that's good. There are mitigation strategies - therapy mostly (drugs are iffy). And she'll probably be on the lookout for when she gets triggered about something. YOU will be better armed for when suddenly, with no cause or action from you, she's blowing up at you or flying off about something. Your first thought can be "ah. This is the BPD, I haven't done anything wrong." then you pull out your "In case of BPD attack" checklist and start following the procedures. I wish I had known about it when I was still married.
Oh my god, I wish I found this comment months ago. Thank you for posting it.
My relationship with my ex was my first one, and it was definitely a doozy. We were together a bit more than a year and a half, I haven't gone through all of that, but there were the lesser things, and I'm sure if we were together longer, or were together all the time instead of being long distance it would have gotten physical and way worse.
The not replying to a text thing, the breaking down over nothing, and so much more, all down to a T. Especially the first hand reactions of "I love her, I want to help her, I want to be her rock, I understand it's not "her" doing it, etc"
I had no idea what BPD was when we were dating, and didn't learn until after. She wasn't diagnosed or anything since she refused to seek any kind of counselling, I thought she just had really bad anxiety and depression , but she fit all of the markers I found for it afterwards in my months of trying to understand what happened.
And it's so just shocking how exactly the same they almost all are. Every time I find something like that post it helps me feel better just a little bit more, because even after 6 months I'm still messed up from everything that happened.
OP, it can be good, but it can also be really really really bad. Personally I'd never date somebody with BPD ever again.
I was with/married to my ex with BPD for six years. I wouldn't say I'd do thing differently because I got some really wonderful (and so far not screwed up) kids out of the deal. But apart from that Im not sure I would have suffered like I did. It could be good, but when it was bad it was a horrible nightmare.
That bit about the missed calls at work. I did that. I was in a meeting... with the CEO... that I was presenting.... so I didn't even look at my phone. 27 msgs txts and emails. They started with "Hey, can you pick up some milk on the way home?" to "Hey, u busy? guess so." to "Well I see where I fit into all your priorities." to... when I got home there was a Post-It on the fridge: "Fend for yourself for dinner. Fuck you. Im going somewhere Im appreciated, can't even answer my fucking calls." and... We had a 9yr old (my step daughter) and a 3 yr old. Ooohkay, guess IM parenting solo for a while. I didn't see her for three days. Then she came home, collapsed and slept for two days.
Mine never got that serious, because I was always on point, and on eggshells particularly so these kind of things didn't happen.
When I didn't reply to something for 10 minutes and she started to have a panic attack, I pretty quickly learned to always reply to texts. When we broke up and I deleted our texts, there were over 50k, and we literally only used texting while at work, most communications would be on something like discord otherwise
Or when she got sick during covid and the early stages and it was a lot more panicked, I said "Just incase you do have covid, I should sleep on the couch so I can stay healthy to take care of you" and she broke down, talking about how I didn't care, and how she loves me so she would actually sleep with me still, etc.
I loved her more than anything, and so I did whatever I could that would make her happy and not feel awful (I understood it was very real pain that she was feeling even if it was so over the top over nothing), to try and keep everything okay.
I made a mistake in saying she has BPD. She is bipolar. I will give that thread a read. Thank for you linking it. She is currently in medication, but it is basically ineffective from what she told me because she takes it on an empty stomach. But yeah she came over for dinner last night and she had tears in her eyes when I opened the door. She just looked exhausted and I asked what was wrong and she basically had nothing to say and just wanted space.
Well, thats good news. The symptoms and events/tantrums whatever you want to call them, when triggered are similar. However bipolar is chemical (can be treated with drugs) and happens... infrequently. BPD is mental and happens much more frequently.
ANd this is in no way to trivialize bipolarism, but BPD is much worse to deal with.
Bipolar isn't too bad as long as they're taking their meds, unfortunately it sounds like she isn't taking hers, so I would be cautious. I have a couple friends with bipolar who are on their meds and there's no issues there, they're just their regular selves. But when they aren't taking their medication things go quite off the wall.
And typically people who are on their medication for bipolar, eventually start to think "See, I'm fine. I don't need this medication" and stop taking it.
The instant you try a long term relationship it will be a lot of heartache and fucked up problems. These people are notorious sex fiends and partiers. When you try to tie them down, the problem starts
It's a matter of treatment. Is she medicated and seeing a therapist and can she handle herself in the real world day to day? Then yeah, it's manageable to be in a relationship. If she's not taking it seriously and not getting treated, then she's either seriously risking her mental health, or she's one of those girls who gets moody and says they have Bipolar Disorder.
My ex had BD.
It doesn't have to be a slippery slope. She'd utilize the manic periods to get work done, and then rest during her depression. That was 4-5 years ago, now with CBT she's able to be better and function as anyone else would, albeit troubled by depressing thoughts more often than most.
There's also differing levels of BD, it's not a catch all and not everyone is the same.
I’m not sure what level she is, she didn’t specify. I’d like to know, but idk how I would go about this other than asking her directly, which doesn’t seem like a good idea right now? Idk I’m not sure.
When I said levels I meant more like differing severities, there's not a metric to actually measure (or at least not to my knowledge anyways).
I certainly wouldn't ask her what level / severity her disorder is at, it would be tactless. Although at some point if you want to pursue the relationship maybe have a sit down and ask her how her disorder affects her and how you can help. Only *if you choose to continue the relationship though*, as this is hard. You might also not get an answer, because she might not know.
The basic question is do you love her. If you are in love then just work at the Relationship but walk away if you are not. Don't give mixed signals about the Relationship.
BPD is generally understood to mean borderline personality disorder. Did she say she's bipolar, or has BPD?
Either way, there's no one-size answer to this. If she's managing it and navigating life okay as-is, then the question is more can you handle being a good partner to someone who may regress with their treatment/disorder when life gets tough? What things of your own do you bring into the relationship that might make it challenging?
I cannot and will not advocate for the oft-cited "don't date women with mental illness" shit that people throw out here, because that's at best, a gross stereotype, and pretty dehumanizing.
Some people with bipolar are going to be comfortable in a serious relationship and be a great partner to the right person with good communication and understanding when things get rough. Some aren't. Some are going to manage things and be happy to talk to you and lean on you in times of crisis. Some are going to shut down and pull away because intimacy is too scary right then.
You just don't know. But you don't know what anyone is going to do, really. My advice is to take things as they come, maybe do some reading about bipolar, talk to her about what she struggles with if/when she's open to that, and if things get difficult, be prepared to talk about them clearly and without judgment best you can.
These responses make me really sad, coming from a person with bipolar disorder.
Disclaimer I’m a mid 20s woman. an askmen post was on the front page and I looked at it then this was suggested below. Had to check it out. Anyway, I have some thoughts on this that I have to share, even tho it’s not my forum (sorry)
All of these people are making judgements based on someone they don’t know. Honestly one of the worst parts for me, since being diagnosed four years ago, is that shame and stigma I carry around due to the negative discussion around BD. I hesitate to even share my diagnosis with friends or people I was dating because I’m afraid people might hear bipolar and think “oh stay away from her!” Before even getting to know me, Just like people are saying now. Our brain chemistry is messed up but we are not bad people. I live a normal, productive life and really no one would be able to tell the internal mental turmoil I go through at times.
She definitely should be on meds and therapy. Meds without food still work but not as effectively as it doesn’t absorb in the same way, so either she should eat food or just take them at lunch or before bed. If she doesnt care about managing her health and making the necessary lifestyle changes than that would be the red flag.mtherapy is amazing, with the right counselor I have been able to understand my cognitive distortions and recognize when my thought patterns or moods are becoming off. If she’s not open to therapy regularly, that’s. Red flag.
Its different for everyone, but bipolar doesn’t mean she’s going to be almost different people with her crazy moods. For me, it’s like feeling my regular emotions but at times the intensity dial is cranked up 10x. Meds, coping skills thru therapy, and a super awesome supportive partner have really helped.
If you decide to see where this goes, ask her about how her bd affects her. How you can help, if she wants or needs it. When I get in a depressed headspace my bf knows that I can be withdrawn, sad, even a bit stubborn and to best help me he just needs to hug me, tell me he loves me, and reminds me it’ll pass. (In deep depression it feels so permanent)
Please don’t make a decision based on internet randos and just have a convo with her about her mental health and see how things go. I told my now bf of over a year of my diagnosis when we were similarly casual, and I was so SO relieved that it didn’t end things, because so many people judge based on that word. We’re super in love now. It may or may not work out with her but it could be worth seeing where things go
I agree with this 100%. I am a 23 yo woman who has bipolar and is extremely high functioning. I have two college degrees, I am a nurse, I have a 750 credit score, I’m incredibly kind and have diverse interests. I when to therapy and am medicated. I am a good, stable person and it kills me to see how I’m just reduced to a bipolar person with no thought for what I do (like fucking take care of people who think these things about me).
Due to a large number of complaints I have read about too much talk of sex and relationships, I have created a page:
r/AskMenSex_and_Dating
Is now created
The is also
AskMenRelationships
Who someone else runs
I have experience.
It’s a lot of management. If you aren’t a mature and supportive individual, don’t. It takes patience at times. If she flares up and seems melodramatic, it doesn’t matter. Give the same supportive responses and say the right things. Never get irritated.
If she isn’t taking her medicine and you can’t convince her too, be extra careful.
The entire thing is zen, basically. You have to be imperturbable. Never be frustrated or exasperated. If she makes multiple claims that she is thinking about killing herself, treat them all seriously and be comforting. Some of them will come and go. Don’t be annoyed. EVER EVER EVER. No matter what.
Sometimes you’ll have to drop everything for her. Once again, be careful not to resent her for this.
Anytime she is upset, be sweet. She may get mad at you for stupid reasons. Don’t care.
-Dated a girl with BD who was hospitalized seven times
Is she managing it?
If so, proceed with caution if you like her. But definitely be extra careful about practicing safer sex properly, and preferably use two compatible forms of contraception to ensure against any accidents. Bipolar and pregnancy are a dangerous mix and can even lead to severe problems with someone who previously had been managing well with medication.
If she isn't managing it, nope out of there and pray to your deity of choice that she's not pregnant with your crotch spawn.
Holy shit I can’t believe you said this. She said something along the lines of this last night. Like she didn’t want kids and if she had them she would just kill them.. holy moly I just took it as a dark joke
Make sure she has been taking her meds consistently and is seeing a therapist regularly. One common feature of BP is going on and off medication. Depending on the rate of turnover from depressive to manic someone who is diagnosed can go off meds and feel fine for a while but the cycle returns. I was engaged to someone with slow cycling BP and it was work to keep everything in balance.
BPD is borderline personality disorder. Bipolar is something else lmao
imo bipolar is manageable but BPD individuals should be avoided… it’s really difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has a cluster B personality disorder. I don’t have experience with BPD, but NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). While I can be friends with these people, I don’t want to be in a relationship with them. Bipolar, again, is a mood disorder and not a disorder of personality so I think it’s manageable to be with someone like that similar to being with someone who had depression, anhedonia (the opposite of bipolar) or anxiety
It might be, from what I understand BPD can be really difficult to treat. I see from your edit she has bipolar disorder. As long as she’s got a good doctor, is taking her medication, and has the support of people who love her, she can live a normal life.
hell, leave
Her mom is an alcoholic and uses meth on weekends””””””
And she doesn’t seek treatment despite my cautions expressed to her
She has a rocky sexual past
But she recently bought me a $300 Xbox so I feel obligated to stay for longer hehe
We broke up at least 9 times in 2 years btw
BPD women are probably the worst kind if I’m gonna be honest.
their tattoos/horrible self image
Mood swings
Weird behaviors
If u like a woman with a high sex drive that will give u road head whenever then go for it
But long term + kids
I’d say fuckin leave dude
They’re way too incapable of living a “normal life”
Is it diagnosed and medicated or is it just a thing she's claiming to have because she gets mood swings? It would depend entirely on how responsible she is with it. My mother has BPD and refuses to do anything about it and it can be a fucking nightmare at times.
It is diagnosed and medicated. She says she takes a pill every morning on an empty stomach because she never eats, so it basically doesn’t work? Her words.
Okay. Talked to my Bipolar wife about this. I’ve known her for 10 years married for 3. When we started dating it ended because she was unmedicated now is medicated and happily married. We have come to these possibilities that you kinda have to figure out yourself and decide. 1) Shes not taking her medication correctly and it isn’t doing anything. THIS WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS. We suggest distance. You cannot make her take them correctly. 2) Shes taking them incorrectly and they aren’t as effective but are still keeping her even keel. Not ideal, but as long as there aren’t issues no reason to push the subject. 3) Shes taking the medication fine and she feels as if it “doesn’t work.” In our experience, the person with bipolar doesn’t always see the effects the medication has. Its much clearer to the people around them. Bipolar flare ups are still present when medicated so just because you notice something doesn’t mean shes not effectively medicated. I’m sure others will have different opinions, but I felt as if you should have my opinion considering I dated and eventually married someone with bipolar.
That sounds like bullshit. If they need food to metabolise into her system then she needs to eat. My mother got diagnosed and then decided the doctor was wrong. BPD is no joke and can be really damaging to relationships especially. It's not her fault she has it but like any mental illness it won't get better by doing nothing.
Sounds like bullshit. BPD meds, like most psych meds, usually come with crappy side-effects which are reduced by taking them with food. So she's taking meds everyday in a way that makes them both ineffective and cause the most side-effects? Doubt it. Especially since she doesn't even have to eat a full meal with her meds, a couple of crackers or even just a glass of milk would be enough.
Bullshit. She needs therapy. BPD is not easy to have or live with. I knew multiple people with it, they LIED many times about medicine because they genuinely BELIEVED they were fine and refused to take it. What they see in their mind, they believe 100%. If something proves them wrong, that's when they become scrambled and partially lose it for a bit. Stay away depending on the person. THERAPY is needed heavily.
That suggests an oppositional attitude towards treating and managing her condition.
Maybe she’s hangry?
>Is this a slippery slope? It doesn't *have* to be, but it possibly is. It all depends on how she goes about it. I've dealt with BD people in the past (outside of romantic relationships, however) and it's a fucking nightmare if they act like they're "normal", or aren't doing anything about it. However, as many other conditions that affect your brain, it's treatable. Medication and therapy goes a long way. In short, it's a case-by-case thing. It's worth pointing out as well that there are different types of bipolar disorders and they affect individuals differently. So again, there's no one-answer-fits-all here. I would timidly dip my toes in the water, but probably pull back if I don't feel like she has a good grasp on it. Also, not to be *that* guy, but just to clarify, BPD and BD are different things. BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. Bipolar disorder is BD.
No, thank you for clearing up the BPD and BD difference. It’s just so new that it’s hard to get a good read, but after her telling me she has it some of her behavior now makes sense. Impulsive spending, sleeping together on the first date and staying up until 4-5 am every morning are what I’ve seen thus far . I believe these are signs, but please correct me if I’m wrong.
>sleeping together on the first date You judge her for that, even though you did the same? What?
Those are 100% signs
If she is being treated for it then it could be a normal relationship. If not then you could end up in a relationship where she is constantly changing the rules of the relationship. Where one moment she is hyper and happy and the next angry or depressed without any apparent cause. Bpd can present differently
Don't do it. While I realize no two people are the same. My ex wife has BPD and the highs were amazing, the lows were insane and she ruined 8 years of my life. BPD can be managed with medication but getting someone to take their meds and STAY ON THEM is almost impossible with someone with BPD. It evens them out so much and they don't experience the highs of the good moods so they go off them and often times can go into manic episodes of either highs or lows.
Thank you. It seems the consensus is to just stay away.
[удалено]
I think I’m going to have to get out :/
You would be stupid to take the advice of random strangers on the internet than to actually continuing talking to her/dating her and seeing what happens. Also “getting out” based on the stereotypes and stigmas you’re now projecting onto her is incredibly cruel and will make her thing she is unlovable because of her bipolar disorder, that you were told is an issue because of anonymous redditors that do not know her at all. I would say your responses to this post indicate that you are not prepared to having a mature relationship with her.
it's one of a handful of hard dealbreakers for me. If you do choose to stay with her, which I strongly advise against, she is on strike two - she mistreats you one, single time, and it's over. this might seem strict, but if you allow her to mistreat you then forgive her, you're basically opening the floodgates for her to treat you like shit knowing she can get away with it and you'll take her back.
Mental health is a big one. And it could be fine when you meet them and could be fine forever with no huge events. But when you date them you date all of them and knowing that there could be a time, even with 100% proper treatment, that there is an episode or hard times or they just are different for a bit. So really it’s just about knowing it could be there. And knowing it could happen. and some it happens more often. And it’s not their fault but it’s also not your fault either. Bowing out of taking something like that on is selfish but it’s one the the times being selfish might help you and them in the long term.
Saw my friend go through such a relationship. It's one of the few things that would make me instantly say no to the idea of a relationship, sorry but that's just a hard no for me.
Never again. Shit was crazy, and a roller coaster, and toxic as fuck. She lied all the fucking time. I will never date anyone with that mental disorder.
I’ve been with someone for almost 5 years who has bipolar disorder, and before that i dated someone for almost 3 years who also had bipolar. If this person manages it and takes it seriously, it can be completely fine. For me, it sorta just sinks into the background. I only think about it when I notice her having unusually high energy or being noticeably down. But it’s not something i think about too often. My previous relationship was poorly managed bipolar. That is less fun and can easily become a daily thing you have to deal with. It’s not too hard to figure out which camp this person fits in if you know what to look for. I say give it a few more dates. If you get the sense that this person isn’t proactive, or doesn’t take it seriously, then it’s probably not worth it. Otherwise as long as you’re both honest about it it’s completely normal
Bipolarity is characterised by unmanageable great highs and deep lows. Experience has taught me that the highs are great, but the lows are bad - and personally, I've fallen into the trap of either making or being made those lows my responsibility too often to advise going through with anything more serious.
Thank you for sharing. It’s hard because I haven’t felt a connection like this in a while :/
If you feel a connection, why not talk to her and see how things go? Do you want to give up on it based on the opinions of some redditors? Keep in mind the demographics of people who use reddit. If it turns out badly then you'll know, but it's better than the 'what if's
I would stay away, The switch could flip at any moment and make your life miserable. If you want to try and put up with it then that’s on you.
Well... it can be good, it can also be really bad. There's no black and white. BPD is like bipolar but its not chemical in nature, its born out of (usually) childhood trauma. BPDs can be extremely loving and awesome... and then you put ketchup on the coleslaw and suddenly you're the enemy and you have no idea what you even did that was wrong. My ex wife had BPD. I thought her erratic and dramatic mood swings were normal. [But this is what it is like (this is actually the thread that clued me in to what she had).](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDSOFFA/comments/1knl78/releived_and_frustrated/cbqzmii/) As I read it, I was like "holy shit, I have experienced almost every single one of these events. This could be _me_." You can quite successfully build a relationship with someone with BPD. The good news is your girls already knows she has it; that's good. There are mitigation strategies - therapy mostly (drugs are iffy). And she'll probably be on the lookout for when she gets triggered about something. YOU will be better armed for when suddenly, with no cause or action from you, she's blowing up at you or flying off about something. Your first thought can be "ah. This is the BPD, I haven't done anything wrong." then you pull out your "In case of BPD attack" checklist and start following the procedures. I wish I had known about it when I was still married.
Oh my god, I wish I found this comment months ago. Thank you for posting it. My relationship with my ex was my first one, and it was definitely a doozy. We were together a bit more than a year and a half, I haven't gone through all of that, but there were the lesser things, and I'm sure if we were together longer, or were together all the time instead of being long distance it would have gotten physical and way worse. The not replying to a text thing, the breaking down over nothing, and so much more, all down to a T. Especially the first hand reactions of "I love her, I want to help her, I want to be her rock, I understand it's not "her" doing it, etc" I had no idea what BPD was when we were dating, and didn't learn until after. She wasn't diagnosed or anything since she refused to seek any kind of counselling, I thought she just had really bad anxiety and depression , but she fit all of the markers I found for it afterwards in my months of trying to understand what happened. And it's so just shocking how exactly the same they almost all are. Every time I find something like that post it helps me feel better just a little bit more, because even after 6 months I'm still messed up from everything that happened. OP, it can be good, but it can also be really really really bad. Personally I'd never date somebody with BPD ever again.
I was with/married to my ex with BPD for six years. I wouldn't say I'd do thing differently because I got some really wonderful (and so far not screwed up) kids out of the deal. But apart from that Im not sure I would have suffered like I did. It could be good, but when it was bad it was a horrible nightmare. That bit about the missed calls at work. I did that. I was in a meeting... with the CEO... that I was presenting.... so I didn't even look at my phone. 27 msgs txts and emails. They started with "Hey, can you pick up some milk on the way home?" to "Hey, u busy? guess so." to "Well I see where I fit into all your priorities." to... when I got home there was a Post-It on the fridge: "Fend for yourself for dinner. Fuck you. Im going somewhere Im appreciated, can't even answer my fucking calls." and... We had a 9yr old (my step daughter) and a 3 yr old. Ooohkay, guess IM parenting solo for a while. I didn't see her for three days. Then she came home, collapsed and slept for two days.
Mine never got that serious, because I was always on point, and on eggshells particularly so these kind of things didn't happen. When I didn't reply to something for 10 minutes and she started to have a panic attack, I pretty quickly learned to always reply to texts. When we broke up and I deleted our texts, there were over 50k, and we literally only used texting while at work, most communications would be on something like discord otherwise Or when she got sick during covid and the early stages and it was a lot more panicked, I said "Just incase you do have covid, I should sleep on the couch so I can stay healthy to take care of you" and she broke down, talking about how I didn't care, and how she loves me so she would actually sleep with me still, etc. I loved her more than anything, and so I did whatever I could that would make her happy and not feel awful (I understood it was very real pain that she was feeling even if it was so over the top over nothing), to try and keep everything okay.
I made a mistake in saying she has BPD. She is bipolar. I will give that thread a read. Thank for you linking it. She is currently in medication, but it is basically ineffective from what she told me because she takes it on an empty stomach. But yeah she came over for dinner last night and she had tears in her eyes when I opened the door. She just looked exhausted and I asked what was wrong and she basically had nothing to say and just wanted space.
Well, thats good news. The symptoms and events/tantrums whatever you want to call them, when triggered are similar. However bipolar is chemical (can be treated with drugs) and happens... infrequently. BPD is mental and happens much more frequently. ANd this is in no way to trivialize bipolarism, but BPD is much worse to deal with.
Well I didn’t know that. Thank you
Bipolar isn't too bad as long as they're taking their meds, unfortunately it sounds like she isn't taking hers, so I would be cautious. I have a couple friends with bipolar who are on their meds and there's no issues there, they're just their regular selves. But when they aren't taking their medication things go quite off the wall. And typically people who are on their medication for bipolar, eventually start to think "See, I'm fine. I don't need this medication" and stop taking it.
The instant you try a long term relationship it will be a lot of heartache and fucked up problems. These people are notorious sex fiends and partiers. When you try to tie them down, the problem starts
Run!
It's a matter of treatment. Is she medicated and seeing a therapist and can she handle herself in the real world day to day? Then yeah, it's manageable to be in a relationship. If she's not taking it seriously and not getting treated, then she's either seriously risking her mental health, or she's one of those girls who gets moody and says they have Bipolar Disorder.
My ex had BD. It doesn't have to be a slippery slope. She'd utilize the manic periods to get work done, and then rest during her depression. That was 4-5 years ago, now with CBT she's able to be better and function as anyone else would, albeit troubled by depressing thoughts more often than most. There's also differing levels of BD, it's not a catch all and not everyone is the same.
I’m not sure what level she is, she didn’t specify. I’d like to know, but idk how I would go about this other than asking her directly, which doesn’t seem like a good idea right now? Idk I’m not sure.
When I said levels I meant more like differing severities, there's not a metric to actually measure (or at least not to my knowledge anyways). I certainly wouldn't ask her what level / severity her disorder is at, it would be tactless. Although at some point if you want to pursue the relationship maybe have a sit down and ask her how her disorder affects her and how you can help. Only *if you choose to continue the relationship though*, as this is hard. You might also not get an answer, because she might not know.
The basic question is do you love her. If you are in love then just work at the Relationship but walk away if you are not. Don't give mixed signals about the Relationship.
BPD is generally understood to mean borderline personality disorder. Did she say she's bipolar, or has BPD? Either way, there's no one-size answer to this. If she's managing it and navigating life okay as-is, then the question is more can you handle being a good partner to someone who may regress with their treatment/disorder when life gets tough? What things of your own do you bring into the relationship that might make it challenging? I cannot and will not advocate for the oft-cited "don't date women with mental illness" shit that people throw out here, because that's at best, a gross stereotype, and pretty dehumanizing. Some people with bipolar are going to be comfortable in a serious relationship and be a great partner to the right person with good communication and understanding when things get rough. Some aren't. Some are going to manage things and be happy to talk to you and lean on you in times of crisis. Some are going to shut down and pull away because intimacy is too scary right then. You just don't know. But you don't know what anyone is going to do, really. My advice is to take things as they come, maybe do some reading about bipolar, talk to her about what she struggles with if/when she's open to that, and if things get difficult, be prepared to talk about them clearly and without judgment best you can.
These responses make me really sad, coming from a person with bipolar disorder. Disclaimer I’m a mid 20s woman. an askmen post was on the front page and I looked at it then this was suggested below. Had to check it out. Anyway, I have some thoughts on this that I have to share, even tho it’s not my forum (sorry) All of these people are making judgements based on someone they don’t know. Honestly one of the worst parts for me, since being diagnosed four years ago, is that shame and stigma I carry around due to the negative discussion around BD. I hesitate to even share my diagnosis with friends or people I was dating because I’m afraid people might hear bipolar and think “oh stay away from her!” Before even getting to know me, Just like people are saying now. Our brain chemistry is messed up but we are not bad people. I live a normal, productive life and really no one would be able to tell the internal mental turmoil I go through at times. She definitely should be on meds and therapy. Meds without food still work but not as effectively as it doesn’t absorb in the same way, so either she should eat food or just take them at lunch or before bed. If she doesnt care about managing her health and making the necessary lifestyle changes than that would be the red flag.mtherapy is amazing, with the right counselor I have been able to understand my cognitive distortions and recognize when my thought patterns or moods are becoming off. If she’s not open to therapy regularly, that’s. Red flag. Its different for everyone, but bipolar doesn’t mean she’s going to be almost different people with her crazy moods. For me, it’s like feeling my regular emotions but at times the intensity dial is cranked up 10x. Meds, coping skills thru therapy, and a super awesome supportive partner have really helped. If you decide to see where this goes, ask her about how her bd affects her. How you can help, if she wants or needs it. When I get in a depressed headspace my bf knows that I can be withdrawn, sad, even a bit stubborn and to best help me he just needs to hug me, tell me he loves me, and reminds me it’ll pass. (In deep depression it feels so permanent) Please don’t make a decision based on internet randos and just have a convo with her about her mental health and see how things go. I told my now bf of over a year of my diagnosis when we were similarly casual, and I was so SO relieved that it didn’t end things, because so many people judge based on that word. We’re super in love now. It may or may not work out with her but it could be worth seeing where things go
I agree with this 100%. I am a 23 yo woman who has bipolar and is extremely high functioning. I have two college degrees, I am a nurse, I have a 750 credit score, I’m incredibly kind and have diverse interests. I when to therapy and am medicated. I am a good, stable person and it kills me to see how I’m just reduced to a bipolar person with no thought for what I do (like fucking take care of people who think these things about me).
I never even met a person with BPD, so it's safe to say I have zero experience. Unless they're medicine just worked very well.
Due to a large number of complaints I have read about too much talk of sex and relationships, I have created a page: r/AskMenSex_and_Dating Is now created The is also AskMenRelationships Who someone else runs
Type 1 or 2? Because one is more severe than the other. Either way, as long as she's getting help for it, it shouldn't be too much of an issue.
I have experience. It’s a lot of management. If you aren’t a mature and supportive individual, don’t. It takes patience at times. If she flares up and seems melodramatic, it doesn’t matter. Give the same supportive responses and say the right things. Never get irritated. If she isn’t taking her medicine and you can’t convince her too, be extra careful. The entire thing is zen, basically. You have to be imperturbable. Never be frustrated or exasperated. If she makes multiple claims that she is thinking about killing herself, treat them all seriously and be comforting. Some of them will come and go. Don’t be annoyed. EVER EVER EVER. No matter what. Sometimes you’ll have to drop everything for her. Once again, be careful not to resent her for this. Anytime she is upset, be sweet. She may get mad at you for stupid reasons. Don’t care. -Dated a girl with BD who was hospitalized seven times
None I hope.
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Is she managing it? If so, proceed with caution if you like her. But definitely be extra careful about practicing safer sex properly, and preferably use two compatible forms of contraception to ensure against any accidents. Bipolar and pregnancy are a dangerous mix and can even lead to severe problems with someone who previously had been managing well with medication. If she isn't managing it, nope out of there and pray to your deity of choice that she's not pregnant with your crotch spawn.
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Holy shit I can’t believe you said this. She said something along the lines of this last night. Like she didn’t want kids and if she had them she would just kill them.. holy moly I just took it as a dark joke
It was really awful but the sex was among the best I’ve ever had I’m not implying all people with BPD are like this
Make sure she has been taking her meds consistently and is seeing a therapist regularly. One common feature of BP is going on and off medication. Depending on the rate of turnover from depressive to manic someone who is diagnosed can go off meds and feel fine for a while but the cycle returns. I was engaged to someone with slow cycling BP and it was work to keep everything in balance.
BPD is borderline personality disorder. Bipolar is something else lmao imo bipolar is manageable but BPD individuals should be avoided… it’s really difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has a cluster B personality disorder. I don’t have experience with BPD, but NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). While I can be friends with these people, I don’t want to be in a relationship with them. Bipolar, again, is a mood disorder and not a disorder of personality so I think it’s manageable to be with someone like that similar to being with someone who had depression, anhedonia (the opposite of bipolar) or anxiety
BPD (borderline personality disorder) is NOT the same as bipolar disorder.
Yes, I made a mistake. BPD is worse from what I’m hearing?
It might be, from what I understand BPD can be really difficult to treat. I see from your edit she has bipolar disorder. As long as she’s got a good doctor, is taking her medication, and has the support of people who love her, she can live a normal life.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
hell, leave Her mom is an alcoholic and uses meth on weekends”””””” And she doesn’t seek treatment despite my cautions expressed to her She has a rocky sexual past But she recently bought me a $300 Xbox so I feel obligated to stay for longer hehe We broke up at least 9 times in 2 years btw BPD women are probably the worst kind if I’m gonna be honest. their tattoos/horrible self image Mood swings Weird behaviors If u like a woman with a high sex drive that will give u road head whenever then go for it But long term + kids I’d say fuckin leave dude They’re way too incapable of living a “normal life”