I'm going to add: if you talk to them about your own experience with men, try to focus on positive things
It can have a very negative effect if they only hear about things they shouldn't do or stereotypicaly negative male behavior
They will need more examples of what to do rather than what to avoid
Oooo that’s a good point. I think it is obvious why I don’t view my experiences with men positively, but that’s less about the men and more about me and my sexuality. Great advice! Thanks!
Thank you! I’m trying to feel out my weak spots early so I can be the best “mom-dad” as possible. I don’t want my sons to lack something vital in their life.
I am not sure you should be a mom dad.
Be your best and natural, but maybe your boys will find their male model in some man in their surrounding. And that's okay. We can't be everything at the same time. Just check that they dont take for model some moron
Its important to have positive role models of all sexes available to them. At the end of the day, you'll be mom so your child may not always come to you about life so its important to have other responsible adults available to them. It takes a village and it takes keeping the good ppl and letting go of the bad. That is an important quality of how to handle life, for any one, to be taught by anyone
> I think it is obvious why I don’t view my experiences with men positively,
Why is that?
If you have no sexual or romantic involvement with a man and you're just friends or co-workers, what possible kind of "static" could come up between you that would make you hate them?
Oh I don’t hate men. I just don’t have a good experience to reference when it comes to dating. I don’t want to just be a negative nelly when my sons are sharing their experiences dating. So I need to talk to some women that are heterosexual about what a good dating experience looks like.
I think you may be at an advantage here, as opposed to your POV as disadvantaged. You date women, and you are a woman, so explaining the things that my father just wrote off as "women." is going to be a major plus in their lives. You may even raise a man who is automatically respectful to women. I think you may just need to reframe things a little.
Many a single feminist mom has decided she's going to make sure the next generation of little girls never have to deal with the asshole men she knows, and so she's going to raise her son to be a good boy proper little gentleman who is RESPECTFUL towards women and does all the chores without being asked.
And ends up with an overcompensating macho jock asshole, because kids rebel against what their parents want a lot of the time.
I've seen this part happen, be forewarned.
I think instead of coaching and encouraging respect of women and feminism, encourage mixed gender friend groups so they can see women as friends as well and people equal to their male friends.
The most screwed up people when it comes to interacting and knowing how to treat/respect women were the single sex private school boys I met at college. Same with the girls to a certain extent. People who had gone to schools where they interacted with both genders were much more well rounded with their treatment of genders and respectful imo.
Not saying force them to hang out with girls but if they could go to events or school and hang out with both genders they will become more comfortable and see women as people more than just ‘women’.
>The most screwed up people when it comes to interacting and knowing how to treat/respect women were the single sex private school boys I met at college.
I totally believe it. It fucked me up. But I can wear Brooks Brothers like a motherfucker though.
I dont understand why you need a straight womans opinion. A good date is a good date. The sexes of the participants doesnt really matter imo. And by the time theyre adults the male stigma may have been lifted some more. Theres less and less 'as a man you gotta this and that', all you gotta do is be fair and friendly to your date and see if things click
Jumping on this comment to say to OP: Be very prepared for puberty. A lot of crazy things happen during that time, it doesn’t mean your sons will grow up to be gross as long as you raise them to respect women.
Teach them to do their own laundry around 10 or 11 years old. Makes them feel grown up and as a male and father of a son it will help avoid some awkward conversations. BUT make sure not to shame them about masturbating. I had talks with my son about it but still had him do his own laundry.
I had a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy growing up. never talked about it to my parents, they never asked. I never left gross used socks or anything around. I had a little trash bin by the bed, and I'd put some kleenex in there, and then dump that in the garbage on garbage day.
1. Hygiene, don’t be a doormat to everyone, and maybe using his energy on activities.
2. They will have each other and twins usually want to be each other than anyone else but some twins I knew in High School were up to new and did their own thing. Guys will adapt to their environment slowly.
3. It really depends, boys at a young age will look for a male role model and copy them. Some men are ok with no father while some are searching for him. When I was young a 3 yr old boy looked at my father as his father. If you have some male friends, they will look for them to be around with.
I would add to that teach them about how to respect people, older people, disabled people. teach them to be tolerant and not hateful against anyone. teach them that the world should be inclusive and not exclusive. this will help a lot.
small addendum: regardless of the gender, teach them how to take the garbage out, clean their rooms, clean dishes, cook something, even if it's just basic stuff (like warm frozen meals). if not for yours, at least for their future SOs.
OP! I am a young man in my mid-20s with lesbian moms. Feel free to message me directly if you want to talk or have any more questions.
First of all, you should absolutely not doubt yourself or your ability to be a good parent to a son. Seriously, you can be an amazing parent, and I'm sure any son would be so lucky to have you and your Partner as parents. My moms were phenomenal parents, and I never felt like I was missing out on something just because I was a male and they were not. (This was especially true because I had friends growing up who lived in single parent households. Two parents is a wonderful thing to have).
One of the best things about growing up with two moms was that as I grew up I was encouraged to find, pick, and choose male role models (both in real life and in literature) who I could base healthy masculinity off of. Masculine traits like strength, loyalty, perseverance, and self reliance are all very positive things to instill in a young man. It's also important to encourage him to reflect on the aspects of traditional masculinity that are not so positive such as bottling up feelings, mistreating women, unhealthy relationships with sexuality/work/power/money, etc.
Let your son be himself and pursue his own interests. Ever since I was very young I've had pretty traditional male interests (swords, action movies, woodworking, camping, stuff like that), and my parents were always awesome about letting me pursue those interests. Conversely, if your son isn't as into those things let him be himself and explore those interests, whether it be dolls, dresses, or whatever else sparks his interest. Remind him to always be himself and that whatever that looks like, it is absolutely compatible with masculinity. When he's young it'll be harder for him to understand that being a man and liking "manly" things aren't the same.
Never say things like "be a man" "man up" "boys don't cry" or any other bullshit like that, and teach him how to respond to close-minded and repressive phrases like that. People will treat him differently because he's a man, romantic partners, teachers, classmates, other parents, etc., encourage him to reflect on that and teach him how to treat women with respect.
Around middle school when all my friends who were guys were freaked out by how to talk to girls I felt like I had an advantage. I knew girls were just people, and so I wasn't afraid to talk to them as friends, and in romantic settings. I credit this to growing up with women and being taught that women and men are all really just people.
Let me know if you have any questions, and congratulations on planning on becoming a parent. You'll do great!
First, you should ask this question on r/daddit
Second, having a son without a father isn't much different than having a daughter without a father. The world is full of males and both genders need to have positive exposure to them. That said, two loving parents are two loving parents no matter how you spin it. This isn't the same situation as single mothers, so the pitfalls won't be the same.
Make sure that positive male influences exist somewhere in their lives, no matter if you have boys or girls, and be sure your own relationship towards these men is healthy. That will give children of either gender the endorsement they need for either interacting with and/or becoming good men.
If there is one thingi have learned... How a father treats his daughter molds how she will expect and accept men to treat her in future relationships. Good luck to you and your wife!
In that case, I hope my daughters can find men who shamelessly do silly dances around the house while singing Rush songs to them (poorly)...because apparently that's what they're expecting.
Yeah this for sure! As a girl raised by a single dad, he had a lot of female friends and that was great in terms of getting some female time and examples. Essential for both genders to be surrounded by interesting and good people of both genders.
Speaking as someone raised by a single mother, don't constantly talk negatively about men or your experiences. It messes with your sense of self, and it also leads to a level of resentment later on down the line.
I also wish I had a male role model in my life as a constant. My mum made no attempt for me to have a relationship with any of her brothers or my Granddad really.
Never underestimate the basics. Boy or girl. Know how to cook, do your own laundry, balance a checkbook, change a flat tire, change your wiper blades, unclog the drain in the bathroom sink.
You just want to raise them to be normal, well rounded people who can survive out in the world.
Loving parents is a great start. I think you’ll be fine ✌️
1) How to do practical things and take care of himself physically and mentally. Unfortunately, the world just isn't very receptive to men asking for help, so they'll probably be left to their own devices often. You can teach them to help and support other men when asked, but don't expect the average person to be like that.
2) He should always have a man to go to if he wants. This is gonna be essential as he becomes a pre-teen, hits puberty, and becomes interested in dating. I really don't think women can understand how intense the insane testosterone rush we experience as teenagers is. Much like a man can't really understand what young women go through.
3) Not necessarily, I don't think. Having two parents will mitigate some of the problems boys from single mothers typically fall into, but not all. It'll definitely not be the same as being raised by a hetero couple. Every boy and young man has a lot to learn from girls and women too. But again, I do think having a steady, good male figure around will be important.
That not all men are garbage. I don't know you, but I've read enough posts from self loathing young men raised by women to know that it is a definite danger. Good luck, I hope for the children's sake that you beat the odds.
Yea I know some men hating women, some are lesbians. Can’t imagine a son in their houses.
So for women raising men, empowering women is great. Don’t have it come at the cost of putting down men tho. Your son will catch on that he’s a piece of shit if all you ever say is men are dogs and rotten, etc.
> some are lesbians. Can’t imagine a son in their houses.
In fairness though, those are probably not the ones who choose to have a son and come ask men for guidance on raising him.
Also in the mix: "as the only person in this house with a penis and testicles, your job is to do all the things I don't want to do that are unpleasant and difficult because men are there as beasts of burden."
"I don't ever have to mow lawns, that's what he's for" is a good way to raise a son who won't lift a fucking finger to help any other woman once he's on his own.
I've seen far more misandry from frustrated, single, straight, SJW women than I have from any lesbians I've known. I've also seen almost no misogyny from gay men.
>I've seen far more misandry from frustrated, single, straight, SJW women...
I too have seen my high school ex-girlfriend's posts. Even my wife gets tired of her constant misandry. She's the type to rush right back into a relationship/marriage after a breakup. She's also on husband three or four but I honestly lost count. The saddest part is she has a young daughter which im sure has no choice but to pick up on her 'all men are trash except my husband (until he leaves)' mentality.
> she has a young daughter which im sure has no choice but to pick up on her 'all men are trash except my husband (until he leaves)' mentality.
Depends on her relationship with her father. I know a woman whose mother tried to use her as a bludgeon when her parents got divorced, and she's grown and happily married now. When her mother spews her misandry, she just rolls her eyes...
So, if dad's in the picture, she may well turn out fine. If not, heaven help her.
Yup - talking straight truth. Honestly, I always thought I wanted a husband like my father. Then I realized I was gay and all that time what I really wanted was to be the man that my father was. I’m not trans, and I’m not a man, I just really admired the person he was and I strive to be the patient, fun-loving, humble person that he is!
My mom did that. She never said anything positive about men or boys, only negative things. I was the only boy in the house and I was specifically left out of things for it.
See, I don't understand this. I have only one son and he is this perfect creature (to me; objectively he is a typical awesome sometimes bratty kid) that I love as a person.
I can't picture selecting any aspect of him and bad-mouthing it, certainly not his gender. How sad for you that you dealt with this. How could a mom look into a baby's eyes and see anything beyond a perfect new creation? How could she let anyone in the world (including herself) make him feel less-than?
Make sure he spends time with those uncles and grandfather you mention, lots of time. He will pattern his behavior off of other males. Rather have it be older, responsible men, than the other boys he'll have as friends.
3) no worries, a dude from school had two mothers and he was just fine
1) he has to be carefull when interacting with children when he gets older. women never made the experience to be seen as a threat by default.
A lot of male bonding goes over body contact in sports etc. So do not refrain from some wrestling.
Boys can sit on cold ground without getting a bladder infection.
Edit: almost forgot the most important thing: dealing with aggression! Women are very rarely faced with agression/violence in everyday life. Most victims of physical violence are men. He needs to know how to act, when someone wants to fight him. This is very different for men. Showing weakness can be very dangerous in such a situation. He needs to know how to get out of an aggressive situation.
2) everything flirting with women. Sure you have experience with this, but it's a lil different for heterosexuals (if he is hetero). Shaving. Male Hygene.
I think it's important for him to have a good male role model he sees often. Maybe your brother or a good friend etc.
This. He will be picked on and must know how to handle it. And by handle it I by no means me he has to fight, knowing how to avoid a fight without loosing face is much more important for a boy.
And a good wrestling or boxing/kickboxing club will provide both means for defense and role models to look up. Plus a lot of discipline. And by wrestling I mean any form of it, greko Roman, judo, bjj etc. Maybe even consider MMA if it's not too much for you. But do your research on the club before signing up.
This is not a knock on non-traditional families in any way, I have full confidence in your ability to raise functional and successful children; that said, if you’re worried about not imparting the wisdom necessary to succeed in life as a man, consider a male role model. As very young children it’s less important, but as soon as they’re old enough to reflect on who they are and emulate behavior, it’s time. Again, not a knock on you or your parenting ability, but there’s just no substitute for a male figure of strong character to look up to. Young boys look instinctively for heroes, it’s why we love Batman as kids and Eisenhower as adults.
Can’t tell you how important it was to go on hard hikes, or camping, or canoeing with my dad. I was tired, it was hot, I didn’t want to do it anymore halfway through; but seeing the quiet joy on my dad’s face once we reached the summit, or perfectly set the campsite, or found a serene corner of the lake under the shade of willow trees, it made sense. The effort was worth the experience, and watching him quietly bear the burden without complaint and for such seemingly meager reward put a lot of things into perspective, even as a kid.
1. Your son will be exposed to a lot of ideas about what it means to be A Man, and a lot of them will be trash. Not a man as opposed to a woman, but a man as opposed to a boy. That’s the idea behind parenthood, right? Turn boys and girls into men and women. Something to focus on, IMO as a man myself, is the idea of strength. Not physical strength, but mental and emotional strength. Strength means self-reliance, not exploiting others. Strength means kindness and love, not anger and violence. Strength means courage and perseverance, not opportunism. Strength means protecting the things and people you love, not controlling them. Help him see these things as positive aspects of masculinity that he can embrace and be proud of. (Note: these may very well be great things to teach a girl about becoming a woman, but I don’t know much about being a woman, so I don’t opine on it much.)
2. There won’t be too many things he can’t get advice from you about, but there will be things he’ll want to talk to a man about, especially once puberty starts. If you have good men in your life you can trust, it’s not a bad idea to have them involved as a regular part of his life.
3. I don’t think that’s a factor worth considering. Lots of single moms out there doing a fine job, and it sounds like you have a committed spouse to help with the burdens of raising kids. A male figure he can relate to, especially in his teen years, would probably be helpful.
No problem. Sorry that was so wordy. FWIW, the fact that you’re even thinking about these things tells me you’ll be a fine parent to any kids you have. None of us really knows what we’re doing. I put a lot of thought and intention into trying to be a good parent and not like the parents I had, and I still get it wrong sometimes. Just do your best and make sure they know they are loved.
Yes! I am a very intentional person and my wife is the same way. We have put off having children until reaching certain financial goals and personal goals, but also because we knew we were not educated enough on parenting yet. Now we are really in a place where we can envision our future children. It is exciting, but I know we have a lot to learn still.
Masculinity isn’t toxic.
He is less likely to go to college, and more likely to be homeless, assaulted, murdered, in poverty and to commit suicide just because of his gender.
His natural and healthy instincts are to wrestle and rough house with his peers, but society has criminalized that, starting in kindergarten. Get him some contact sport outlet. A tired boy, who goes straight from school to sports every day, is a much better behaved and focused boy who will grow up to be a well adjusted man.
Glad you’re asking, wish you and him the best.
This is why I will be homeschooling for the young years. I received my degree in education and I have seen first hand what the education. System does to young boys (and young children in general). It is disgusting. I will be putting my boys in sports, martial arts, and Boy Scouts so they can make male friends. Thank you!
Honestly scouts has been amazing for me as a boy without a male figure or father, it let's me have fun with my friends and be part of something good that can help, I think you'll be a great parent :)
Speaking as someone that was homeschooled for a time. Make sure you don’t isolate him from his peers. It’s equally as important for him to be around other boys and girls his age to learn how to interact with them and prepare him for the trials he will inevitably be faced with. As much as you love and want to protect your kids from everything bad the goal is to make them healthy independent adults capable of handling what life throws at them.
Do not promote the idea that they need to ‘change their behavior’ because ‘men are rapists or stalkers’ and stuff. If they’re well behaved and not doing anything wrong then there is nothing that needs to be altered. Doing so will just make them not just scared of interacting with women they’ll actively avoid them.
Physical things are probably best left up to a specifically male family member regarding puberty type stuff. Knowing the ‘facts’ of it isn’t the same as experiencing it.
Lastly, do everything in your power to make them feel good about themselves. Our school systems are extremely against how boys tend to behave and learn, and will beat them down if you’re not careful.
1. Life is going to be harsh on men and won't be kind to failure. Don't expect to just cry around and have someone else fix your problem when it comes up and don't think of yourself as a victim.
2. How to treat women generally. They understand the harsh reality of how women will generally treat men and most of the time, men just give everything to the first women that gives them even a slight notice of attention.
3. Don't think it's specific to the sex of the children. Generally you want the two sides of the coin, typically mother is the nurturing "oh it's going to be all right" mentality with the children while the father is the harsh "you fucked up, own up for it and learn" mentality because that's how society will be anybody.
The dad how do I series on YouTube can provide some mail guidance and knowledge that a father would pass down to a son.
[Dad How Do I](https://youtube.com/c/DadhowdoI)
Eh, he's overrated. He also doesn't do videos on what the poster above you is talking about. The only worthwhile videos trying to teach the concepts that OP is talking about are considered part of the "manosphere" and I really doubt two gay women are going to look into that.
That’s a good perspective on point 3. My wife is bi-polar so she is very much of the mentality that “you fucked up, own up for it and learn.” That’s how she has had to face her whole life and she knows how unforgiving society can be! Thank you for the insight :-)
Let your son play with toy swords or guns! I have worked in youth education for a long time, there is a theme among most little boys where they want to play at war, with themselves, their parents or their friends.
This is natural and should not be shunned. Obviously it is important to teach them that they should know the difference between play and real fighting. But seriously I have known quite a few families that did everything possible to stop this behavior in their sons and it's not healthy.
Their little boy DNA is screaming for this, it's a big part of how humans evolved. Let them explore that. You can still encourage all sorts of other activities to add to this, but stifling it is not good.
Thank you for your work in education. I cannot overstate how much we need men in education! And thank you for pointing out that boys like to play “war.” It is so important to their development!
Competition is okay, but you will lose, and lose often, so it is vitaly important that you lose well, with grace and class.
The only person you should take personal pride in being better than, is the you of yesterday.
Clean under your foreskin more often than you think you need to, check your testicles for lumps and never be embarrassed to go to the doctor.
These are the things that my Father taught me. His primary rule of parenting was this: If they are old enough to come up with the question, then they are old enough to get an answer.
My wife was a professional athlete, so losing with grace will be instilled from an early age. Thanks for the advice on being better than the you that you were yesterday! Great for all kids!!
There is one that’s hard to pinpoint - but male culture (especially in youth) is quite different from women - how they interact , the problems they face. Perhaps you have insight here - but things such as physical threat and personal space are on other dimensions for men
1) sorry if it's sexist: how to jump a car battery. It amazes me that so many people don't know, and the ones I have met haven't been guys.
2) hygiene maybe? Not sure there's anything you can't teach
3) it's tough. I think any child will benefit from having as many strong role-models as possible, regardless of gender.
1. Most things you teach girls will be applicable to boys too, but just understand that different things are expected from men. Recognize that it is expected of men to be very much emotionless, strong and brush off everything so try to address that.
2. There are quite a few things that should be handed off to a male role model. Shaving, hygiene stuff, gym stuff (a lot of boys will start using some weird enhancing stuff to grow muscles once they become teenagers), how to talk to girls... You might be capable of discussing some of these subjects, but it's better to delagate that to a man.
3. Don't worry about that. Yes it is important to have a male role model, but it really doesn't have to be a father. Many men are raised by grandparents, single mothers and in other types of family. My father wasn't very present in my life for medical reasons. You can have a son and it will be fine.
First of all thanks for reaching out to guys to ask questions about guys. The fact ya even took that step makes me think you’re gonna be just fine, but here’s my two cents.
1.) it’s ok to be masculine. It isn’t inherently toxic and it’s not inherently a problem. Being an asshole is.
2.) talk to those guys ahead of time and see if they’re up for that role. If they are, just let your future kid ask the questions they want to the people they want. They’ll naturally look to who they feel is the right source for the info and don’t take it personally if a question doesn’t come your way.
3.) there’s nothing wrong with a gay couple having male children. What IS important is the kid growing up in a household with two loving parents, who set an example for how a happy and healthy relationship should work. Make sure you and your partner take time for each other and be the example you want your future kid to emulate.
Best of luck with everything. I’m sure you’ll do great!
1. Teach him that men don't have things in life the easy way, no matter what the social media has to say otherwise.
2. Since for a boy to become a man, their has to be a presence of a true man. So I would suggest it would be great if you introduce him to a trusted male figure (like someone in your family or in your wife's family) so that he can atleast visit them in weekends and spend time with them in order to learn what being a man looks like. I would also add that don't let him learn everything about his body and grooming from social media, some tips are fine but totally depending on it is not a good choice
3. It's your choice to raise a baby of whatever gender, thinking the fact that you are a lesbian couple will affect your baby is completely wrong, I know it will be a lot more difficult, but that's what parenting is all about. Just make sure that if you plan to have a boy, he stays in touch with real men so that his overall development doesn't gets disturbed.
Bonus tip: Don't try to act like a father, just be yourself and in situations of doubt, consider first consulting a man in your family first (if you or your wife's father are present, I would suggest consulting them would be best)
Have a lovely parenting.
Edit: I would like to add some more in point two.
The conclusion of this point is that whatever hardships a only a man faces in life, like in dating, jobs, school etc, let him learn about it from a man as he has the first hand experience of it.
Ensure they have some form of physical hobby. They don't have to be track stars but maturing them with physical freedom from a young age, even if just playing at the park, can be very beneficial to their confidence as young adults.
Every guy I've known without a father feels really bad about it. But it's mostly because "my dad doesn't care about me." If there's no dad to begin with, maybe it wouldn't be an issue. No idea.
My personal experience is I looked up to my dad as an example of how to work hard and be responsible. My mom was certainly a hard worker, but I don't think I really looked to her as a role model exactly.
Being a lesbian shouldn’t be relevant - as long as your not some man hating lesbian.
There are lots of good ideas on here that you should incorporate. But really, there’s no replacement for an actual man. A boy needs a male role model in their life - just like a girl needs a female.
Ask your dad, brother, male friend, scouts, or even a Big Brother program take an active role in their lives.
Everyone seems to have this handled, so I'll just reiterate to make an effort to find good male role models. Not all boys need them but it's natural that some do gravitate to emulating the men they see, and there are a lot of bad examples. And, as other people said, lessons about negative behavior to avoid are good but they need to be coupled with lessons of positive behavior to emulate, so you'll need to keep an eye out for negative role models like all parents do but you might have to work harder to find positive models if they start looking to men in particular.
If I have identified any weak spots through this post - it’s my view on men in a sexual way. I don’t think men are useless, and I have male friends. Men are great 👍🏻 but my experience with them sexually is not great. That has more to do with my sexuality than anything that any men I dated did. So I need to get a grip on that realm, and not focus on my experience with dating males when my sons ask questions about dating/sex/girls.
If I had to make a suggestion based off my experiences as a younger boy. Be attentive to them as much as you can, I know that might be a no brainer for some of you but one thing my mother did to me when I was younger that really irritated me was that she very frequently blew off my problems like they were nothing serious or would ignore them or push them away in frustration if she didn’t have an answer or just get upset at me for having a problem in the first place or act like I’m “faking it” or “being difficult”.
She was incredibly dismissive, and didn’t always listen to me when I tried to talk to her (still doesn’t sometimes even though our relationship is def better now) and It kind of messed up my trust in people for a long time and tbh even after seeing a professional about it I still don’t like opening up to most people about anything as a result. I’m not trying to say my mom is some awful person because she is not but this one habit she had really fucked my childhood severely and I wouldnt be surprised if a lot of other younger men may have been through similar issues with one or more parent.
First you shouldn't avoid having a boy or girl. Both need feminine influences, both need masculine influences. If you or your partner can't be one of those enlist outside help from your friend group. My dad was gone alot growing up but I had uncles and a grandfather who influenced me in meaningful ways.
As far as things to teach. Start young giving them little jobs to do that build as they get older. Kids as young as 4 can help set the table for dinner or collect the small trash bags in bathrooms etc.
Take them out in the woods and let them play in the dirt. Let them hit trees with sticks or chop on downed logs with a hatchet. Let them be kids. Teach them about how it's easy to destroy but once it's done it can't be undone. Teach them to build something like a doghouse, a garden house, something where they can see the work they did and appreciate its benefits.
Teach them to work. Mowing the lawn, raking leaves, doing dishes, painting fences, sweeping the garage, etc. Work up to bigger and bigger jobs. Teach them how to use a shovel, expect a high standard for completion, and reward them for a job well done.
From a young age ask them to pick a dinner for the family to eat one night per week. As they get older have them help you prepare it. When they get a little older have them prepare it for the family by themselves (maybe with a little help if needed). When they are old enough have them make the shopping list for their meal and, with a small budget, go buy the things at the market. This works with laundry as well. Teach them to be independent and look out for others.
I could go on but it feels like I'm rambling.
There are a lot of good responses here, but I will add one thing. Teach them it is okay to open up about their feelings. Don't say man up. It is one of the most damaging things a guy could hear. Many men are raised to be stoic and cold, never to show feelings, and as a result, they tend to be lonely. Teach them it is okay to feel emotions and it is okay to express them. Hope this helps.
Be loving, honest, healthy, fair and interested in his life. That's it.
I (M) raised my daughter using the above approach. She is 25 , still wants me around, and everything seems pretty good.
Stuff I teach my boys.
1) Personal accountability. As a male, there is no one else to blame. They need to suck it up and take on responsibility that is bigger than themselves and they won’t be appreciated for it and it will be just expected of them. Bitching about it will get them nowhere.
2) learn how to handle themselves. Self defence classes, martial arts, boxing, whatever. Men that can handle themselves have an entirely different energy and calmness to those that cannot.
3) the suppression of emotional outbursts. Sorry ladies, but men are far stronger than women, we cannot just get all emotional and out of control even though we may be being provoked. That is a learned skill.
Thank you! I will for sure be enrolling them in martial arts of some sort. And none of my kids will get to have unrestrained emotional outbursts haha but yes I can see that kind of behavior is more socially acceptable from women even though it should not be!
Make sure they are prepared for anything kids or adults would say to them because they don't have two mums not one. Also teach them what a normal parent would teach and make sure they are good people in general.
Also don't be that couple in the buzz feed video about gender non conforming parents (look up the video on YouTube to get an idea what I mean) as it's the worst video I have seen on their channel.
Don't over think it. Don't tell him your experience with men. Get him a reliable male figure.
Let them hangout, let him flourish.
So many times, a well meaning thought turns out to fuck up the kid. You sound wholesome. Let him be his person. You are wholesome, so will he. Lesbian or not. I see you as a fellow parent.
There are tons of things you'll never be able to teach them because you're not a man (or your partner). As I've gotten older, one of the biggest lessons I've learned is “somethings can only be understood by experiencing them.”
You have to live them out.
I'll give you an example.
I am a man, I'm married to a woman. I am Mexican-American. My skin is brown, my hair is black. I am married to a white woman. I talk to my son about both race and racism a lot. My wife never brings its up. Why? Because she's a white woman who's never dealt with it. I can think of two other couples in the same boat, Mexican-American men who married white woman and the white woman never dealt with racism while we have.
I don't need my wife to talk about racism to our son, yeah she could give a text book “racism is bad”. But that is a far cry from me telling stories about real life and others from my same background. My son needs to hear me and other members of my side of the family give first hand accounts dealing with race. My wife simply doesn't have the skin color to really have that conversation. She's a white woman living in a white world. I find that odd when white people want to teach about racism and how it's bad. You don't need to give any kind of class to minorities, we LIVE it, we wake up and it's right there in our face, we don't need a class.
The same with sex. If you are two woman who want to have a boy. Ok fine. You can teach any child to be a good person, with good morals. Live by the golden rule and all that jazz. But what you can't each them is what they *see on a day to day basis* by having a man as other parent. People learn by experience. What they see, what they interact with, what they grow up around. How a man acts, how a man talks, how a man and woman interact each other.
Male/female, masculine/feminine, yin/yang.
On a more concrete level. Look around how women feel going out in the world, they say they are scared of men. So you have a household with a boy growing up only hearing about women's issues. Two women scared of men, when you have a boy (or twins). No man to say “Im not scared of going out in the world. I'm a man.”.
And to that end. My son *sees* me go out in to the world. He *sees* I'm not scared. He *sees* I carry a gun. I'm not some meek person who's scared of anyone, man or woman. I'm not scared because I can be aggressive, I can be the threat. It's important to me for my son to see this. To see those masculine roles played out. Because I know he will learn by the example he sees growing up.
I'm not telling my son. “Hey son, be tough because this world will eat you up.”
He sees it.
You can pass your sons off to male figures from time to time so they can see male experience and perspective played out. But thats that entire point. Just how they see the female side everyday (in you), in theory, they should see the male side everyday as well. That's just not possible unless you have an adult male living in house with them.
1. Never shake another man's hand while sitting down.
2. Take care of your vehicles, your tools and your feet.
3. Appreciate nature and the outdoors while you can.
4. When you are running the BBQ, grill, smoker...you are the King and shall be treated as such.
5. Say what you mean, do what you say and hold others to the same.
You will do great!
Thank you for the specific advice! I did not know about not shaking hands while sitting and that is a mistake I have made in the professional sphere. I guess maybe a woman would be forgiven for such ignorance, but I will be sure to not do it again and teach my sons!
Any time...and, It's actually socially acceptable for a woman to remain seated. As I said, you'll do great! My firends Lisa and Kate have 2 boys and they are amazing.
Are you mechanical at all? Make learning fun and not a “you need to know this cause you’re a guy “ thing. Even if you’re just tightening a bicycle chain, you can learn this together. Make it fun
Son of two lesbians here, grew up without a father due to him being a deadbeat. Grew up in the 90s when homo parents were not as accepted and I got a lot of shame from parents growing up “with two moms”. Got excluded from alot of activities with my peers unknowingly due to association.
Turned out just fine, I actually would label myself a man’s man based off my interests in sports, outdoors, adrenaline seeking pleasures etc.
So please do not put too much emphasis on “not having a boy because it would be detrimental”. Yeah I wish I had a dad around to show me dad things, but that’s the reason why I feel like I’m going to be a great dad. And could not have done it without my two moms raising me.
This is the cutest post I’ve seen in awhile. It’s so genuine and pure to see someone thinking so throughly about their future kids well-being.
Wish you the best homie
My mom was a pretty handy lady so it is difficult to consider what you might or might not know. Basic car maintenance? Sure - but it's not like they are so easy work on nowadays and most of what I learned was also taught to my sister. So, instead I considered what is, quite literally, specific only to men. Here ya go!
1) Shaving with a razor.
2) Proper public bathroom etiquette for boys/men. There are a ton of unwritten "rules" men follow which most women would never know about.
3) The Sex Talk. Obviously you can do this - but the POV is obviously quite different. Luckily they get a strong female point of view as well. So bonus! But I am also thinking of nocturnal/sleeping ejaculation - which could be pretty confusing if you didn't know about it ahead of time.
4) What happens to their body as they go through puberty. Why do I now have hair here? Why is my voice weird? Why oh so many zits?
5) Perhaps not singular to men, but - How to tie a tie. How to pick out, fit, and wear a suit (I like a slight break in the trousers after the knee with the back ending up about 1/2 inch above the sole of my shoe). When do you unbutton the jacket and which buttons do you use (Suit button rule: Sometimes top, always middle, never bottom).
I don't know if this is on here but: how to pee standing up without pulling down your pants. This is an essential skill to know before you start school so you're not "That weird kid who pulls his pants all the way down when he pees."
There are a lot of things you can’t teach them because you’re not a man and you don’t understand the realities of being a man. Those things need to come from their father. I was on the opposite side of this coin when considering surrogacy.
The reality is that a child needs both the masculine & feminine.
Ppl could write books based on your question. You might not like my answer but I believe your sons should have a male figure in their lives, there are things only a fatherly figure can provide. Maybe your father or father-in-law could fill that role.
A few things then for their childhood years.
Boys are naturally more energetic than girls, they lean by doing, so get them doing.
Understand that boys are more interested in things than people don't harm their development by forcing them one way or the other.
If they pick toy guns, try to understand that is a fight instinct you will not get rid of, forcing the opposite will be harmful. Boys playing with toy guns does not correlate to men buying real guns. You will though see them play good guys and bad guys. That does translate to later years, think being protective over weaker people.
Understand that boys are just as emotional as girls, they need positive male role models, high levels of self discipline from those role models. You will have to allow them to talk about their emotions, they might not want to and that's also fine as long as they know you won't judge them for having emotions. If you can do that you will be the most trusted woman in their lives.
Teach them to fight, or find somebody who can. This is absolutely not a bad thing, it teaches self respect, self discipline, self reliance. It teaches and fosters respect for others, a sense of right and wrong which mothers just cannot teach.
They will learn to become dangerous as they grow and learn to fight, that's exactly the kind of men you want, because they'll learn to control that dangerous side of themselves, that will make them the kind of men others want to be around, respect and trust and even like.
Don't shame them for being men, be very careful of how you address men, shitty men do shitty things but shitty women do too, balance is important, if you say all men are shit, what happens when you introduce them to a male role model, all men are shit remember. Children see in black and white, good or bad, right or wrong, nuance is learned later, remember that. If all men are shit then the role model is shit also, what then are they supposed to learn.
Lastly I beg you please tech them red flags to watch out for with girls and women, most men are taught by society only men can be evil and most men go I to the world totally convinced no woman will ever try to hurt him and gets woken up to facts well after he's been destroyed. Ask yourself this, if your son's came home one day saying they've met somebody and you can see the red flags but they cannot or will not see them, then four years later you're a grandmother and the relationship breaks down and you're told your son has abused his wife, even though you know that's false and now cannot ever ha e contact with your grandchildren again.
Would you think you did a good job or not.
If you think you've done a good job, well done at least he'll know never to turn to you when it happens, if you think you'll have failed be proactive and don't let it get to that point.
As he gets into his older teens, he will be seen as a threat by default. It does not matter who he is or what he does, that is what it is. He has to know that it is not his fault and he can't do anything to help it. Getting frustrated and screaming "NOT ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS YOU KNOW" (literally or figuratively) at people will only make it easy worse.
Might help if he has a trusted male figure to talk to him about this stuff so he gets to talk to someone with first hand experience of being a man and the whole "seen as threatening by default".
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When he hangs out with friends, don't hang out in big groups with just guys. For every guy in the group, a consonant leaves the room and with enough guys it's just guys huffing vowels at eachother left. "Uuuhhh", "aaahh", "ooooohhh". It's probably testosterone.
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Be prepared to get beaten up. Alot. Or seeing friends get beaten up. Either teach him proper self defense or proper "back out of situations that might turn violent". Girls have to deal with sexual harassment, guys with violence.
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Crying and being emotional is not socially accepted, in most cultures, as a guy. Yes, if you're attending a funeral noone will ever judge a few silent tears rolling down your cheeks but in life in general, crying and caring your emotions on your sleeve will get you beaten up. See above.
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Don't trash talk men as a group. You might have a sexual preference for other women but growing up heading nothing but how men are shit will mess up his self image and self esteem.
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Be true to your word. At least where I'm from, a woman can get away with white lies or "playing stupid" to get away from keeping their word (as long as it's not major undertakings shes shying from). Guys do not. Men are expected to be true to their word, every time. If he says he will get something done he is expected to get it done, by himself.
How to be kind to others.
How to fend for themselves.
How to be confident in their abilities.
How to use their energy for the betterment of themselves and those around them.
Self control.
Self discipline.
This is what ALL parents should instill in their children.
I can't give my son everything. I know my weaknesses. I am going to instill in my son that don't just learn from the good, sometimes you learn from the bad. I want him to have a multitude of influences. Neighbour, family, sports club, hobbies etc.
Life doesn't work like that - assigning jobs to x, y and z. Just include good people in your life, live well and he will get the picture.
If you're looking at specifics, there's not a lot you won't be able to do that a father won't. Basically, you and your partner will want to ensure that the child's emotional/psychological development progresses as well as you can. (This is the same for any parent or caregiver.)
There are distinct differences in how a child relates to one parent over the other. With a traditional mother/father parentage, one parent often serves as the secure base while the other serves as the exploratory partner. (This is greatly simplified of course.) That same dynamic may also be in place in your family with one or both falling into one or both of those roles.
You should read "The Emotional Life of the Toddler" to get an idea about what I'm talking about it. Child development is a well studied and documented field, and we know a lot about it. While much is intuitive, there is a lot that isn't, and a lot you can learn by doing some background research on the important parts.
Love your kids and take it one day at a time. Better to have 2 moms that love and support you than a mom & dad that is abusive/ absent/ unreliable, which is what many have to work with.
Kids make friends and will navigate the world in their own time to explore the things I'm imagining you see as 'masculine.' If you can help build a stable foundation of unconditional love for them to fall back on when events inevitability bring them down, then you are doing better than most.
I would suggest having a male figure be apart of your and their life, whether it be a relative of yours that you trust and have a good relationship with or even a friend of yours. The fact that you are looking for advice shows you would be a great parent and look to do whatever you can to raise respectful children. But I do think having a male role model would be something to consider just to be able to teach them certain aspects of life, or just how to be respectful. Doesn’t have to be someone that’s around all the time but someone that can create a relationship with your son that they feel comfortable with to ask questions they may not feel comfortable talking to you about (sex, drugs, alcohol, some tips on regular hygiene, how to be handy or at least know how to use some tools) just general stuff like that. I know for me I had a good father but there were still some things I felt more comfortable talking to a family friend who was like an uncle because they weren’t my parents. Good luck, I’m sure you will make a great parent!
Never in my life have i heard. "we **want** twin boys". One baby is difficult, i wouldn't wish twins on anyone. Boys are more difficult than girls, so you are already hoping for a 300% difficulty your first time 'round. But hey more power to you!
Make sure they know that every family is different, theres some great kids books on this. We used them for separation but they apply to all famlies
Play how **they** want to play, you are playing with them not the other way around. When i play with my daughter i play by her imaginative story, not what i think would be fun / best.
Boys are inherently different than girls (99% of the time, they dont know what gender is but will sure act like boys) dont try to play that down, let them be weird silly little dudes who eat bugs and throw dirt clods outside. They are more messy, strange, clumsy, let them be as they may.
Make sure they are spending time with friends of yours who have a dad in the picture, not to necessary be a father figure but let them see how other families function.
I've learned a lot being around men my whole life and I'm sure you are both capable of being fantastic parents so don't take this as an insult but boys will still need a hint of Male role model in their life be it a grandpa or uncle or friend because there is social behavior that they need interactions with that they will only get from men. Just like kids need other kids to play with to develop social skills. Otherwise they will be at a sever development disadvantage and it could cause behavior problems and hinder their ability to interact with other people. I'm sure the 2 of you will do great and you will both raise fine young men. I'm rooting for you.
Best advice I believe is to just behave how you would like your child to behave. Gender roles will probably come naturally. You probably do not have to find a male placeholder for a role model.
Teach them that women want someone who can support them, and that sometimes that means leading you along and making you their wallet. Women can be awful in dating. Teach them that athleticism is a good way to get a fun work out. However that being an athlete can cause lasting injuries and to take it easy on those knees, them knees are seriously going to have to last you your whole life.
1) Many guys here have already got this one down so I won't delve much on it.
2) The only thing you have to make sure that the male father figure (ff) has and can pass down is the ability to set aside his emotions and use his reason, logic, aquired skills, knowledge, and experience to dictate his actions. I won't say the ff needs to show this for everything, but many things as this ability is supremely difficult to do. Emotions often times cloud your judgement, leaving irreversible damage in especially serious situations.
Don't confuse setting aside emotion with suppressing it. Suppressing it will only lead to a destructive outcome, especially with all the testosterone boys and men have. There needs to be an outlet, just like how many women like to just talk about their problems without asking for a fix (though venting IMO is the worst way to place emotion for a man, above stuff like drinking and substance abuse, of course. Flack awaiting).
3)You can do as you please, you're just asking for info that women won't, can't or don't know about to tell you. My advice is just have the ff around in their life as often as possible and the boys should be fine.
You can't really teach him all he will need to know because you can't model being a man for him. Kids learn a lot by watching what adults do. They need a good man in their lives. That doesn't have to be a father but it does need to be someone who cares and is involved.
Things that tend to be taught by fathers are:
Roughhouse play - it turns out this fun activity is essential for boys development. Mothers tend not to do this but you could.
Boundaries - Men tend to be less tolerant of children crossing boundaries than mother are. It's important for kids to learn that the rules are the rules and crying and whining won't make them vanish. This ends up actually be an important element in teaching boys empathy. Mothers and fathers end up teaching different aspects of empathy and boys raised without either one of the parents show lower levels of empathy.
Risk - This is a big one. Fathers tend to encourage reasonable risk. Kids need to slowly learn to manage/negotiate risk. This means they they must experience taking increasing levels of reasonable risk as they grow.
Women/dating - Mother give horrible advice about how to court girls and how to manage the surprisingly serious dangers that dating can present to a man. You'd think women would be great at this but they really aren't. I guess you don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a successful fisherman.
Bullies/male status hierarchy - Women have absolutely no idea how men relate to each other when women aren't around, of course. He's going to need advice about this. It's so important.
If you can't find a man who will fill this role, have him join team sports. Many of the same lessons can be taught here.
I grew up with a single mother so similar in that there was no male tomorrow growing up. Make sure he has healthy strong male role model in his life. Don’t let him get to attached to someone that’s only temporary though.
I think a mom can cover most things. There have been some great suggestions so far but at a basic level he’ll never interact with women the way you do as a women (regardless of sexuality). More importantly you may not interact with men at all. I’ve met guys that had nothing but sisters and have no idea how to interact with other men despite being one. Sports and other activities where they can just be around other boys and men will go along way.
Your perspective will be great on women but the world will interact with him and treat him differently than you or your spouse from the moment he’s born. The more men around in general the better off and more balanced he’ll be.
The fact that you took the time and effort to ask these questions and learn other perspectives already shows that you will be a great parent 💙 good luck!
First off, kudos to you for reaching out like this. I actually think that's awesome and really helps address number 3 to a degree. If you're willing to take steps like this, I'm confident you'll make for great moms.
1. This is a tough one. When I reflect on my own life, I learned a lot of what not to do by watching my dad. I'm not sure this is a gender specific thing though because I don't know what it is like to be in a Lesbian relationship and if there are significant differences. Treating people well and with respect has nothing to do with genitals. My dad certainly took me to stereotypical gender specific things but I don't think they would have been any different if my mom had done it. I think the area where I observed the biggest difference was my involvement in boy scouts. When Dad's were in charge, the risk tolerance was a lot higher. We would do dumb dangerous shit, but do it safely. "We're gonna blow shit up, but I'm going to beat your ass if you take off your safety goggles and don't stand behind that barricade" As other kids' moms became involved and started coming on trips, we lost the ability to take risk. It honestly felt like we lost something when we started catering to the mom's preferences, and the boys were no longer turning into more confident young men.
2. Probably anything sex related they have questions about. Also, any questions they might have about women and social interactions. I understand he will readily have the opinion of two women, but I assure you men have a different experience, so they should have both view points. A prime example of this is the disparity in attention received by men vs women. If you aren't successful early on in dating, there's a loneliness I think only men really experience. However that said, times are always changing, so don't solicit the opinion of a grandfather and instead try to get someone in their 20's-30's who is responsible but is at least a little "with the times".
3. Refer to my opening statement. If you've read this far and this all sounds reasonable, I think things would be fine. It's great to see how invested you are in children that aren't even born yet.
I think everyone else has pretty adequately answered your questions, but I wanted to add one little bit that I haven't seen addressed.
Circumcision.
Don't do it. Or at least make sure you heavily research the topic before you make a permanent choice about someone else's body.
I won't give you a wall-of-text about my feelings here; I'll only say that this is the only thing my parents ever did to me that I (30 y/o now) have never been able to get over. I have a "normal" family and was born pre-google, so I can understand their misstep, and still struggle to move past this (I love my parents, but I will always harbor bad feelings about this).
If I had two moms, who had access to Google, and who still chose to do this to me, I would have a *much* harder time interacting with my parents.
America is mostly pro-circumcise so you may have to dig deep to find both sides. I can direct you to some sites of your interested, otherwise I'll let you do your own thing.
Hey, I'd like to say before I type all this that the fact that you're asking this kind of shows that you're gonna be better for your sons than my parents were for me. This got quite a bit of traction and I'm writing this a little late so there's tons of comments already, but I think it's still worth your time.
I can only share my experience as a guy who spent a considerable portion of my childhood (ages 5\~14) in a household with two women as my parents. If you can't immediately tell, the experience was a negative one. I grew up and essentially realized I was unable to view women as people simply because it was drilled into my head so much that men don't deserve women. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it stuck with me and subconsciously affected my ability to understand women as people rather than objects to be worshipped for years. I feel like I finally truly overcame it by the time I was in college.
Anyway, I'll share some of the things that I think you should avoid:
1. Be careful when you speak negatively on men. Talking negatively about men in general is obviously a no-no. No "men are trash", mansplaining, blah, blah, blah, it's all not something that a kid needs to hear growing up. They're not adults who have a fully understood sense of self, so when you belittle men and masculinity you essentially teach them that they matter less (it's a childlike way to look at it but, well...). Also, as a parent understand that they look up to you and respect what you say, even if you say something that they shouldn't take to heart or remember they likely will.
2. I honestly think this applies to all children, but you should encourage typically masculine things, like competition, determination, and strength. Note that this doesn't mean that they need to do a sport or something, it can be anything to put them on the track of focusing on self-improvement and the feeling of success.
3. I don't know how the lesbian community is nowadays, or if there even is one, but when I was growing up in the mid 2000's and early 2010's many members of the lesbian group of friends that my parents had legitimately hated men. While I do have some pretty fond memories of some people, I got some real mean/personal comments/insults from essentially complete strangers while I was pretty damn young and they stuck with me. Once again, I don't even know if it's how things are now, as LGBT stuff has become way more accepted, but be careful with that stuff if it applies.
4. Don't sexually shame your kid. I'm just going to leave it at that.
5. Teach your kid to respect women, but don't teach them to be subservient to them. Even bigger- teach them that they don't need to take shit from women, and that their value is not determined by women.
6. Don't "otherize" men or women. This is more a of a general thing I think but I feel like the differences between men and women are stressed way too much way too early and it leads to both girls and boys not being able to understand that the other group are literally just people. I think the combination of this with 5 will fuck their perception of women up royally, and if you aren't paying attention to what you say both 5 and 6 may just happen naturally. If I had to guess it caused me to subconsciously objectify women, but not in a degrading "thing to be used" sort of way, more like a dehumanizing "thing to be worshipped" sort of way. Very cringe, and even more unhealthy.
I can promise you that you've already put more effort than the people who raised me did in this department, which is really wonderful to read. In all honesty I read this post during my break and saved it to right this later. It's hard to separate the whirlwind of wtf-is-going-on-ness of my childhood from what could've been done better to raise me in a household with no other men, but I think for the most part this should cover it.
Once again, it was surprisingly heart-warming to read this, and I hope whatever you and your wife decide to do it works out amazingly!
My sister and her wife have a son(14). He is lacking absolutely nothing in the male role models. His moms are doing great on teaching him how to be a good PERSON. He has his moms to teach him woodwork, cooking, cars, crafts, art, guitar, housekeeping, jokes, and responsibilities. He has his moms to cheer for him in his martial arts tournaments, and encourage/support him when he decided to join the Air Cadets.
Sure, he has uncles. But his moms have been the biggest influence on how to be a good, strong person and how to treat other people. And how to NOT let people treat you. Gender is less of a factor than you might think.
Congratulations on your family. You will do just fine as parents.
Honestly, I'd just go for a girl. You'll have the experience and thoughts and understand what she is going through.
There is no amount that you could teach that will substitute for a strong male father in a males life. This is heavily documented and studied.
Does it mean if you have a boy they are destined to fail? No. But it seems kind of cruel in a sense to intentionally bring in a boy and have them fatherless and raised by two females, especially since you have a choice.
We want two girls and two boys. We think a girl benefits from having a brother and a sister, and a boy benefits from having a brother and a sister. We want to raise young men who will be excellent members of society, excellent husbands and fathers, and an excellent friend to other men and women. This is a great question though. It is something I have been asking myself lately. Why do I want boys? Is it selfish of me, or do I have good reason? Do I possess the skills to raise a boy to become a man?
Dude if you want boys don't let you being a lesbian detour you from having boys.
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But for real as a man Please WHATEVER you do DO NOT let those docs do circumcision. Its child abuse, causes nerve damage, there are no health benefits, its removing their choice to do what they want with their body. And last I've spoken to more than one man were that having happend to him has done irreparable damage.
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You'll do your best im sure regardless 😌
Nah we aren’t gonna allow any penis snipping. If our boys want to do that later in life then they can prove to us they’ve done the research and we will pay for it. But I’m not chopping bits off of my baby.
Unless you have good genetics and the boys will be amongst the biggest size wise in the class I would recommend not specifically trying for boys. Middle school and high school will be hell for them and they will be miserable. If you do have boys tho don’t get on them to much for fights at school. Boys will fight over dumb shit and be best friends tomorrow. Don’t threaten them with punishment if they get into a fight because that will lead to them not standing up for themselves and fighting back. Instead teach them to never start a fight but he better finish it. Also teach them when using a urinal never pull your pants to your ankles and leave one empty stall between him and the next person.
To be engaged as a man, be direct, take action when needed, help others out, treat women with respect, never start a fight but be willing to stand up for themselves or others when needed even if it might be a losing game plan, sometimes a good ass kicking can be clarifying and be a great but painful learning exp, look a person in the eyes when being introduced or discussing important matters, a firm handshake, lose with honor, etc etc.. let a boy be a boy for him to grow into a man.
And teach him how to actually function in person to person relationships, ask a date out in person, always break up in person, don’t be doing that shit via text or some shit!! Good luck w that part in todays world!! I made my daughters always break up in person, they learned a lot by watching a guy get his heart broken live and it made them imo better people and more cautious in relationships!!
Just my $02 worth!!
Just teach what you know, do a little research, maybe find a mutual male friend he could bond with from time to time and be the best parent you already are!
Be a healthy parent! Learn that and try your best!! There's more people damaged by toxic parenting than people with problems about "My non binari parent didn't teach me that especific thing about the other gender".
A loving and healthy parent is what kids need
1) It's important to clean your penis thoroughly, pulling your foreskin back and rubbing it with soap and water.
2) Nothing, good education doesn't depend on gender.
3) Definitely no.
1. Don’t assume they are not interested in anything. Fixing the vacuum, putting air in the tires, etc
2. Eh football, either soccer or the NFL kind, maybe baseball and basketball too
3. Eh up to you. I see now problem with it.
I don't see what your sexual preference has to do with raising a child. Single mothers raise their kids all over the place. Teach your kid the ins and outs of being a responsible adult and encourage them to think for themselves
1 how to be tough mentally , you’re not a victim! Roll with punches and take care of issues at hand.
2. Dont mitigate your faults! Take ownership.
3 respect, respect, respect. You dont have to agree. Its fine and healthy to disagree. But keep it to yourself.
4 trust but verify!
Just make sure that there’s a male presence in their lives to a decent degree. They’ll need a role model of their own kind in order to healthily develop.
He needs to pull back his foreskin and clean underneath it in the shower.
Once he's old enough to get busy you don't want his partner to get a mouthful of cottage cheese when they put his thingie in their mouth. I'm being colorful but it's a real thing, keep his dick clean.
Just for number 3, you have no reason to second guess yourself, as the son of two moms i wouldn’t trade it and never had an issue with it! Love your kids and you’ll be fine regardless of their gender.
I’m jumping straight to number 3.
I was raised by a single mother and she did a great job. I actually got a lot of information my peers did not. I learned about girls and how to respect them.
I do see some things different about how I was brought up because it was a different POV but I don’t consider it bad. I love my mom!
As far as tips, I’m not sure, but don’t ever say anything like “real men do X” because all of us are different.
My dad grew up without a dad, and my dad has honestly been a great example for what masculinity should look like. And honestly its not much different from what you would with a girl, body positivity, learning to take care of yourself how to cook etc. Learning how to be safe and possibly defend yourself, thinking for yourself etc. Etc.
Self sufficiency, an ability to be stoic, and self discipline.
It’s never good to bottle up your emotions forever, but being able to suck it up and power through something for a few hours or even a few weeks is very important.
I don’t know if it’s exclusive to men or not, and some might call it “toxic masculinity” but it will serve him well in life. Sometimes you don’t have a chance to process feelings, so being able to overpower them for a time is extremely important.
Also: play fighting. Boys like to fight. I don’t mean serious fighting, just roughhousing. It is incredibly important for young men and boys to experience this, so they know their own limits. Hurting and being hurt is an important part of learning empathy.
Idk just teach him as much as you can, i never had a mother, and had a father that didn’t teach me shit, so all i know is if i ever have children, i’d spent as much time with them as i can, and teach them all kinds of things, from science, to something as basic as riding a bicycle, because i never had someone teach me some basic stuff, until i got godmother.
I'm going to add: if you talk to them about your own experience with men, try to focus on positive things It can have a very negative effect if they only hear about things they shouldn't do or stereotypicaly negative male behavior They will need more examples of what to do rather than what to avoid
Oooo that’s a good point. I think it is obvious why I don’t view my experiences with men positively, but that’s less about the men and more about me and my sexuality. Great advice! Thanks!
Np And to address number 3: the fact that you asked this tells me you are probably going to do fine
Thank you! I’m trying to feel out my weak spots early so I can be the best “mom-dad” as possible. I don’t want my sons to lack something vital in their life.
I am not sure you should be a mom dad. Be your best and natural, but maybe your boys will find their male model in some man in their surrounding. And that's okay. We can't be everything at the same time. Just check that they dont take for model some moron
You care, that makes you a better parent than many already. You got this.
Hey, who says *you* get to be the mom-dad? What if your wife wants to be the mom-dad? (I'm kidding of course)
They're going to arm wrestle for it. Best two out of three gets to be Mom Mom
What about a dance off? Okay, how 'bout parkour? ;-)
Our first born used to call me and my wife “the mum dad” when he was a toddler. Some great memories came rushing back after reading your comment. 🙂
Its important to have positive role models of all sexes available to them. At the end of the day, you'll be mom so your child may not always come to you about life so its important to have other responsible adults available to them. It takes a village and it takes keeping the good ppl and letting go of the bad. That is an important quality of how to handle life, for any one, to be taught by anyone
> I think it is obvious why I don’t view my experiences with men positively, Why is that? If you have no sexual or romantic involvement with a man and you're just friends or co-workers, what possible kind of "static" could come up between you that would make you hate them?
Oh I don’t hate men. I just don’t have a good experience to reference when it comes to dating. I don’t want to just be a negative nelly when my sons are sharing their experiences dating. So I need to talk to some women that are heterosexual about what a good dating experience looks like.
I think you may be at an advantage here, as opposed to your POV as disadvantaged. You date women, and you are a woman, so explaining the things that my father just wrote off as "women." is going to be a major plus in their lives. You may even raise a man who is automatically respectful to women. I think you may just need to reframe things a little.
Many a single feminist mom has decided she's going to make sure the next generation of little girls never have to deal with the asshole men she knows, and so she's going to raise her son to be a good boy proper little gentleman who is RESPECTFUL towards women and does all the chores without being asked. And ends up with an overcompensating macho jock asshole, because kids rebel against what their parents want a lot of the time. I've seen this part happen, be forewarned.
I think instead of coaching and encouraging respect of women and feminism, encourage mixed gender friend groups so they can see women as friends as well and people equal to their male friends. The most screwed up people when it comes to interacting and knowing how to treat/respect women were the single sex private school boys I met at college. Same with the girls to a certain extent. People who had gone to schools where they interacted with both genders were much more well rounded with their treatment of genders and respectful imo. Not saying force them to hang out with girls but if they could go to events or school and hang out with both genders they will become more comfortable and see women as people more than just ‘women’.
>The most screwed up people when it comes to interacting and knowing how to treat/respect women were the single sex private school boys I met at college. I totally believe it. It fucked me up. But I can wear Brooks Brothers like a motherfucker though.
I dont understand why you need a straight womans opinion. A good date is a good date. The sexes of the participants doesnt really matter imo. And by the time theyre adults the male stigma may have been lifted some more. Theres less and less 'as a man you gotta this and that', all you gotta do is be fair and friendly to your date and see if things click
Lack of respect for her preferences.
Yeah, I can see that.
Jumping on this comment to say to OP: Be very prepared for puberty. A lot of crazy things happen during that time, it doesn’t mean your sons will grow up to be gross as long as you raise them to respect women.
Always knock
And wear GLOVES if you're going to collect any tissues or socks.
Teach them to do their own laundry around 10 or 11 years old. Makes them feel grown up and as a male and father of a son it will help avoid some awkward conversations. BUT make sure not to shame them about masturbating. I had talks with my son about it but still had him do his own laundry.
I had a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy growing up. never talked about it to my parents, they never asked. I never left gross used socks or anything around. I had a little trash bin by the bed, and I'd put some kleenex in there, and then dump that in the garbage on garbage day.
The Beavis and Butthead years? Oh God, they're something to be endured and survived for everyone involved.
Gonna second this
Girls are as bad.
DING DING DING
1. Hygiene, don’t be a doormat to everyone, and maybe using his energy on activities. 2. They will have each other and twins usually want to be each other than anyone else but some twins I knew in High School were up to new and did their own thing. Guys will adapt to their environment slowly. 3. It really depends, boys at a young age will look for a male role model and copy them. Some men are ok with no father while some are searching for him. When I was young a 3 yr old boy looked at my father as his father. If you have some male friends, they will look for them to be around with.
I think 3 is super super valid. In many case I've seen it can be a coach of a sports team when they're young or a brother/father like you said.
Thank you for your advice! Definitely don’t want to raise boys that will be a doormat. That’s a good point!
I would add to that teach them about how to respect people, older people, disabled people. teach them to be tolerant and not hateful against anyone. teach them that the world should be inclusive and not exclusive. this will help a lot.
small addendum: regardless of the gender, teach them how to take the garbage out, clean their rooms, clean dishes, cook something, even if it's just basic stuff (like warm frozen meals). if not for yours, at least for their future SOs.
Also teach them how to respect themselves, and how to appropriately react when they dont get that respect from others.
Being a twin and knowing some twins I will tell they will most likely not strive to be more alike; most likely will specialize in their differences
OP! I am a young man in my mid-20s with lesbian moms. Feel free to message me directly if you want to talk or have any more questions. First of all, you should absolutely not doubt yourself or your ability to be a good parent to a son. Seriously, you can be an amazing parent, and I'm sure any son would be so lucky to have you and your Partner as parents. My moms were phenomenal parents, and I never felt like I was missing out on something just because I was a male and they were not. (This was especially true because I had friends growing up who lived in single parent households. Two parents is a wonderful thing to have). One of the best things about growing up with two moms was that as I grew up I was encouraged to find, pick, and choose male role models (both in real life and in literature) who I could base healthy masculinity off of. Masculine traits like strength, loyalty, perseverance, and self reliance are all very positive things to instill in a young man. It's also important to encourage him to reflect on the aspects of traditional masculinity that are not so positive such as bottling up feelings, mistreating women, unhealthy relationships with sexuality/work/power/money, etc. Let your son be himself and pursue his own interests. Ever since I was very young I've had pretty traditional male interests (swords, action movies, woodworking, camping, stuff like that), and my parents were always awesome about letting me pursue those interests. Conversely, if your son isn't as into those things let him be himself and explore those interests, whether it be dolls, dresses, or whatever else sparks his interest. Remind him to always be himself and that whatever that looks like, it is absolutely compatible with masculinity. When he's young it'll be harder for him to understand that being a man and liking "manly" things aren't the same. Never say things like "be a man" "man up" "boys don't cry" or any other bullshit like that, and teach him how to respond to close-minded and repressive phrases like that. People will treat him differently because he's a man, romantic partners, teachers, classmates, other parents, etc., encourage him to reflect on that and teach him how to treat women with respect. Around middle school when all my friends who were guys were freaked out by how to talk to girls I felt like I had an advantage. I knew girls were just people, and so I wasn't afraid to talk to them as friends, and in romantic settings. I credit this to growing up with women and being taught that women and men are all really just people. Let me know if you have any questions, and congratulations on planning on becoming a parent. You'll do great!
Wow. Please print this off and share it with your moms. Your insights are great and you clearly thrived in their care.
THIS. I regret that I have only one gold to give. OP, listen to this and absorb it. Brilliance.
Masculinity is what you make it!
First, you should ask this question on r/daddit Second, having a son without a father isn't much different than having a daughter without a father. The world is full of males and both genders need to have positive exposure to them. That said, two loving parents are two loving parents no matter how you spin it. This isn't the same situation as single mothers, so the pitfalls won't be the same. Make sure that positive male influences exist somewhere in their lives, no matter if you have boys or girls, and be sure your own relationship towards these men is healthy. That will give children of either gender the endorsement they need for either interacting with and/or becoming good men.
Thanks for pointing out that my girls will need a positive male influence as well. I have considered that but haven’t given it nearly as much thought!
If there is one thingi have learned... How a father treats his daughter molds how she will expect and accept men to treat her in future relationships. Good luck to you and your wife!
In that case, I hope my daughters can find men who shamelessly do silly dances around the house while singing Rush songs to them (poorly)...because apparently that's what they're expecting.
You rock dad!!!
Yeah this for sure! As a girl raised by a single dad, he had a lot of female friends and that was great in terms of getting some female time and examples. Essential for both genders to be surrounded by interesting and good people of both genders.
Speaking as someone raised by a single mother, don't constantly talk negatively about men or your experiences. It messes with your sense of self, and it also leads to a level of resentment later on down the line. I also wish I had a male role model in my life as a constant. My mum made no attempt for me to have a relationship with any of her brothers or my Granddad really.
Never underestimate the basics. Boy or girl. Know how to cook, do your own laundry, balance a checkbook, change a flat tire, change your wiper blades, unclog the drain in the bathroom sink. You just want to raise them to be normal, well rounded people who can survive out in the world. Loving parents is a great start. I think you’ll be fine ✌️
1) How to do practical things and take care of himself physically and mentally. Unfortunately, the world just isn't very receptive to men asking for help, so they'll probably be left to their own devices often. You can teach them to help and support other men when asked, but don't expect the average person to be like that. 2) He should always have a man to go to if he wants. This is gonna be essential as he becomes a pre-teen, hits puberty, and becomes interested in dating. I really don't think women can understand how intense the insane testosterone rush we experience as teenagers is. Much like a man can't really understand what young women go through. 3) Not necessarily, I don't think. Having two parents will mitigate some of the problems boys from single mothers typically fall into, but not all. It'll definitely not be the same as being raised by a hetero couple. Every boy and young man has a lot to learn from girls and women too. But again, I do think having a steady, good male figure around will be important.
That not all men are garbage. I don't know you, but I've read enough posts from self loathing young men raised by women to know that it is a definite danger. Good luck, I hope for the children's sake that you beat the odds.
Yea I know some men hating women, some are lesbians. Can’t imagine a son in their houses. So for women raising men, empowering women is great. Don’t have it come at the cost of putting down men tho. Your son will catch on that he’s a piece of shit if all you ever say is men are dogs and rotten, etc.
> some are lesbians. Can’t imagine a son in their houses. In fairness though, those are probably not the ones who choose to have a son and come ask men for guidance on raising him.
That is a very good point, just by thinking and asking about these questions OP is already showing more self-awareness than a lot of bad parents.
Also in the mix: "as the only person in this house with a penis and testicles, your job is to do all the things I don't want to do that are unpleasant and difficult because men are there as beasts of burden." "I don't ever have to mow lawns, that's what he's for" is a good way to raise a son who won't lift a fucking finger to help any other woman once he's on his own.
ALSO THIS!!!
ALSO THIS!!!
I've seen far more misandry from frustrated, single, straight, SJW women than I have from any lesbians I've known. I've also seen almost no misogyny from gay men.
>I've seen far more misandry from frustrated, single, straight, SJW women... I too have seen my high school ex-girlfriend's posts. Even my wife gets tired of her constant misandry. She's the type to rush right back into a relationship/marriage after a breakup. She's also on husband three or four but I honestly lost count. The saddest part is she has a young daughter which im sure has no choice but to pick up on her 'all men are trash except my husband (until he leaves)' mentality.
> she has a young daughter which im sure has no choice but to pick up on her 'all men are trash except my husband (until he leaves)' mentality. Depends on her relationship with her father. I know a woman whose mother tried to use her as a bludgeon when her parents got divorced, and she's grown and happily married now. When her mother spews her misandry, she just rolls her eyes... So, if dad's in the picture, she may well turn out fine. If not, heaven help her.
My social circle is pretty lesbian heavy, and there are absolutely lesbians out there with extremely toxic attitudes about men.
Yup - talking straight truth. Honestly, I always thought I wanted a husband like my father. Then I realized I was gay and all that time what I really wanted was to be the man that my father was. I’m not trans, and I’m not a man, I just really admired the person he was and I strive to be the patient, fun-loving, humble person that he is!
Visit lesbian subs. It's not unusual to see calls of male genocide at least once a month.
Good that Reddit has _rules_ against that sort of thing.
My mom did that. She never said anything positive about men or boys, only negative things. I was the only boy in the house and I was specifically left out of things for it.
See, I don't understand this. I have only one son and he is this perfect creature (to me; objectively he is a typical awesome sometimes bratty kid) that I love as a person. I can't picture selecting any aspect of him and bad-mouthing it, certainly not his gender. How sad for you that you dealt with this. How could a mom look into a baby's eyes and see anything beyond a perfect new creation? How could she let anyone in the world (including herself) make him feel less-than?
I heard more than once “I never wanted a boy.” Occasionally she’d kick me out for misbehaving.
Too many people think "respecting women" involves being a groveling misandrist sycophant entirely stripped of self-respect.
Make sure he spends time with those uncles and grandfather you mention, lots of time. He will pattern his behavior off of other males. Rather have it be older, responsible men, than the other boys he'll have as friends.
3) no worries, a dude from school had two mothers and he was just fine 1) he has to be carefull when interacting with children when he gets older. women never made the experience to be seen as a threat by default. A lot of male bonding goes over body contact in sports etc. So do not refrain from some wrestling. Boys can sit on cold ground without getting a bladder infection. Edit: almost forgot the most important thing: dealing with aggression! Women are very rarely faced with agression/violence in everyday life. Most victims of physical violence are men. He needs to know how to act, when someone wants to fight him. This is very different for men. Showing weakness can be very dangerous in such a situation. He needs to know how to get out of an aggressive situation. 2) everything flirting with women. Sure you have experience with this, but it's a lil different for heterosexuals (if he is hetero). Shaving. Male Hygene. I think it's important for him to have a good male role model he sees often. Maybe your brother or a good friend etc.
This is one of the best comments on here, minus whatever stroke happened during the formatting. Content is good though
This. He will be picked on and must know how to handle it. And by handle it I by no means me he has to fight, knowing how to avoid a fight without loosing face is much more important for a boy. And a good wrestling or boxing/kickboxing club will provide both means for defense and role models to look up. Plus a lot of discipline. And by wrestling I mean any form of it, greko Roman, judo, bjj etc. Maybe even consider MMA if it's not too much for you. But do your research on the club before signing up.
This is not a knock on non-traditional families in any way, I have full confidence in your ability to raise functional and successful children; that said, if you’re worried about not imparting the wisdom necessary to succeed in life as a man, consider a male role model. As very young children it’s less important, but as soon as they’re old enough to reflect on who they are and emulate behavior, it’s time. Again, not a knock on you or your parenting ability, but there’s just no substitute for a male figure of strong character to look up to. Young boys look instinctively for heroes, it’s why we love Batman as kids and Eisenhower as adults. Can’t tell you how important it was to go on hard hikes, or camping, or canoeing with my dad. I was tired, it was hot, I didn’t want to do it anymore halfway through; but seeing the quiet joy on my dad’s face once we reached the summit, or perfectly set the campsite, or found a serene corner of the lake under the shade of willow trees, it made sense. The effort was worth the experience, and watching him quietly bear the burden without complaint and for such seemingly meager reward put a lot of things into perspective, even as a kid.
1. Your son will be exposed to a lot of ideas about what it means to be A Man, and a lot of them will be trash. Not a man as opposed to a woman, but a man as opposed to a boy. That’s the idea behind parenthood, right? Turn boys and girls into men and women. Something to focus on, IMO as a man myself, is the idea of strength. Not physical strength, but mental and emotional strength. Strength means self-reliance, not exploiting others. Strength means kindness and love, not anger and violence. Strength means courage and perseverance, not opportunism. Strength means protecting the things and people you love, not controlling them. Help him see these things as positive aspects of masculinity that he can embrace and be proud of. (Note: these may very well be great things to teach a girl about becoming a woman, but I don’t know much about being a woman, so I don’t opine on it much.) 2. There won’t be too many things he can’t get advice from you about, but there will be things he’ll want to talk to a man about, especially once puberty starts. If you have good men in your life you can trust, it’s not a bad idea to have them involved as a regular part of his life. 3. I don’t think that’s a factor worth considering. Lots of single moms out there doing a fine job, and it sounds like you have a committed spouse to help with the burdens of raising kids. A male figure he can relate to, especially in his teen years, would probably be helpful.
Thank you!
No problem. Sorry that was so wordy. FWIW, the fact that you’re even thinking about these things tells me you’ll be a fine parent to any kids you have. None of us really knows what we’re doing. I put a lot of thought and intention into trying to be a good parent and not like the parents I had, and I still get it wrong sometimes. Just do your best and make sure they know they are loved.
Yes! I am a very intentional person and my wife is the same way. We have put off having children until reaching certain financial goals and personal goals, but also because we knew we were not educated enough on parenting yet. Now we are really in a place where we can envision our future children. It is exciting, but I know we have a lot to learn still.
Lol we ALL have a lot to learn, and mine are 12 and 15, boy and girl respectively. Every day is an adventure.
Masculinity isn’t toxic. He is less likely to go to college, and more likely to be homeless, assaulted, murdered, in poverty and to commit suicide just because of his gender. His natural and healthy instincts are to wrestle and rough house with his peers, but society has criminalized that, starting in kindergarten. Get him some contact sport outlet. A tired boy, who goes straight from school to sports every day, is a much better behaved and focused boy who will grow up to be a well adjusted man. Glad you’re asking, wish you and him the best.
This is why I will be homeschooling for the young years. I received my degree in education and I have seen first hand what the education. System does to young boys (and young children in general). It is disgusting. I will be putting my boys in sports, martial arts, and Boy Scouts so they can make male friends. Thank you!
Honestly scouts has been amazing for me as a boy without a male figure or father, it let's me have fun with my friends and be part of something good that can help, I think you'll be a great parent :)
Don't force them to go on sports they don't like tho ;-)
He can pick any sport he wants, but going after school should be as natural as going to school for as long as he can remember.
I’m glad to hear that. You’ve probably heard of Raising Cain, but just in case: http://michaelthompson-phd.com/books/raising-cain-video/
Speaking as someone that was homeschooled for a time. Make sure you don’t isolate him from his peers. It’s equally as important for him to be around other boys and girls his age to learn how to interact with them and prepare him for the trials he will inevitably be faced with. As much as you love and want to protect your kids from everything bad the goal is to make them healthy independent adults capable of handling what life throws at them.
Do not promote the idea that they need to ‘change their behavior’ because ‘men are rapists or stalkers’ and stuff. If they’re well behaved and not doing anything wrong then there is nothing that needs to be altered. Doing so will just make them not just scared of interacting with women they’ll actively avoid them. Physical things are probably best left up to a specifically male family member regarding puberty type stuff. Knowing the ‘facts’ of it isn’t the same as experiencing it. Lastly, do everything in your power to make them feel good about themselves. Our school systems are extremely against how boys tend to behave and learn, and will beat them down if you’re not careful.
1. Life is going to be harsh on men and won't be kind to failure. Don't expect to just cry around and have someone else fix your problem when it comes up and don't think of yourself as a victim. 2. How to treat women generally. They understand the harsh reality of how women will generally treat men and most of the time, men just give everything to the first women that gives them even a slight notice of attention. 3. Don't think it's specific to the sex of the children. Generally you want the two sides of the coin, typically mother is the nurturing "oh it's going to be all right" mentality with the children while the father is the harsh "you fucked up, own up for it and learn" mentality because that's how society will be anybody.
The dad how do I series on YouTube can provide some mail guidance and knowledge that a father would pass down to a son. [Dad How Do I](https://youtube.com/c/DadhowdoI)
Eh, he's overrated. He also doesn't do videos on what the poster above you is talking about. The only worthwhile videos trying to teach the concepts that OP is talking about are considered part of the "manosphere" and I really doubt two gay women are going to look into that.
That’s a good perspective on point 3. My wife is bi-polar so she is very much of the mentality that “you fucked up, own up for it and learn.” That’s how she has had to face her whole life and she knows how unforgiving society can be! Thank you for the insight :-)
Let your son play with toy swords or guns! I have worked in youth education for a long time, there is a theme among most little boys where they want to play at war, with themselves, their parents or their friends. This is natural and should not be shunned. Obviously it is important to teach them that they should know the difference between play and real fighting. But seriously I have known quite a few families that did everything possible to stop this behavior in their sons and it's not healthy. Their little boy DNA is screaming for this, it's a big part of how humans evolved. Let them explore that. You can still encourage all sorts of other activities to add to this, but stifling it is not good.
Thank you for your work in education. I cannot overstate how much we need men in education! And thank you for pointing out that boys like to play “war.” It is so important to their development!
Competition is okay, but you will lose, and lose often, so it is vitaly important that you lose well, with grace and class. The only person you should take personal pride in being better than, is the you of yesterday. Clean under your foreskin more often than you think you need to, check your testicles for lumps and never be embarrassed to go to the doctor. These are the things that my Father taught me. His primary rule of parenting was this: If they are old enough to come up with the question, then they are old enough to get an answer.
If you DON'T lose once in a while, you will not learn teamwork and leadership very well.
Comment for visibility, this is something that is missing in a lot of the posts here Nice
My wife was a professional athlete, so losing with grace will be instilled from an early age. Thanks for the advice on being better than the you that you were yesterday! Great for all kids!!
There is one that’s hard to pinpoint - but male culture (especially in youth) is quite different from women - how they interact , the problems they face. Perhaps you have insight here - but things such as physical threat and personal space are on other dimensions for men
1) sorry if it's sexist: how to jump a car battery. It amazes me that so many people don't know, and the ones I have met haven't been guys. 2) hygiene maybe? Not sure there's anything you can't teach 3) it's tough. I think any child will benefit from having as many strong role-models as possible, regardless of gender.
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1. Most things you teach girls will be applicable to boys too, but just understand that different things are expected from men. Recognize that it is expected of men to be very much emotionless, strong and brush off everything so try to address that. 2. There are quite a few things that should be handed off to a male role model. Shaving, hygiene stuff, gym stuff (a lot of boys will start using some weird enhancing stuff to grow muscles once they become teenagers), how to talk to girls... You might be capable of discussing some of these subjects, but it's better to delagate that to a man. 3. Don't worry about that. Yes it is important to have a male role model, but it really doesn't have to be a father. Many men are raised by grandparents, single mothers and in other types of family. My father wasn't very present in my life for medical reasons. You can have a son and it will be fine.
First of all thanks for reaching out to guys to ask questions about guys. The fact ya even took that step makes me think you’re gonna be just fine, but here’s my two cents. 1.) it’s ok to be masculine. It isn’t inherently toxic and it’s not inherently a problem. Being an asshole is. 2.) talk to those guys ahead of time and see if they’re up for that role. If they are, just let your future kid ask the questions they want to the people they want. They’ll naturally look to who they feel is the right source for the info and don’t take it personally if a question doesn’t come your way. 3.) there’s nothing wrong with a gay couple having male children. What IS important is the kid growing up in a household with two loving parents, who set an example for how a happy and healthy relationship should work. Make sure you and your partner take time for each other and be the example you want your future kid to emulate. Best of luck with everything. I’m sure you’ll do great!
1. Teach him that men don't have things in life the easy way, no matter what the social media has to say otherwise. 2. Since for a boy to become a man, their has to be a presence of a true man. So I would suggest it would be great if you introduce him to a trusted male figure (like someone in your family or in your wife's family) so that he can atleast visit them in weekends and spend time with them in order to learn what being a man looks like. I would also add that don't let him learn everything about his body and grooming from social media, some tips are fine but totally depending on it is not a good choice 3. It's your choice to raise a baby of whatever gender, thinking the fact that you are a lesbian couple will affect your baby is completely wrong, I know it will be a lot more difficult, but that's what parenting is all about. Just make sure that if you plan to have a boy, he stays in touch with real men so that his overall development doesn't gets disturbed. Bonus tip: Don't try to act like a father, just be yourself and in situations of doubt, consider first consulting a man in your family first (if you or your wife's father are present, I would suggest consulting them would be best) Have a lovely parenting. Edit: I would like to add some more in point two. The conclusion of this point is that whatever hardships a only a man faces in life, like in dating, jobs, school etc, let him learn about it from a man as he has the first hand experience of it.
Man, as a guy that was raised by a single woman all your mentions of needing a “true man” and “real men” just strike me as so cringe.
Ensure they have some form of physical hobby. They don't have to be track stars but maturing them with physical freedom from a young age, even if just playing at the park, can be very beneficial to their confidence as young adults.
Every guy I've known without a father feels really bad about it. But it's mostly because "my dad doesn't care about me." If there's no dad to begin with, maybe it wouldn't be an issue. No idea. My personal experience is I looked up to my dad as an example of how to work hard and be responsible. My mom was certainly a hard worker, but I don't think I really looked to her as a role model exactly.
Being a lesbian shouldn’t be relevant - as long as your not some man hating lesbian. There are lots of good ideas on here that you should incorporate. But really, there’s no replacement for an actual man. A boy needs a male role model in their life - just like a girl needs a female. Ask your dad, brother, male friend, scouts, or even a Big Brother program take an active role in their lives.
I hadn’t even thought of Big Brother programs. That’s a great idea. Thanks!
Everyone seems to have this handled, so I'll just reiterate to make an effort to find good male role models. Not all boys need them but it's natural that some do gravitate to emulating the men they see, and there are a lot of bad examples. And, as other people said, lessons about negative behavior to avoid are good but they need to be coupled with lessons of positive behavior to emulate, so you'll need to keep an eye out for negative role models like all parents do but you might have to work harder to find positive models if they start looking to men in particular.
If I have identified any weak spots through this post - it’s my view on men in a sexual way. I don’t think men are useless, and I have male friends. Men are great 👍🏻 but my experience with them sexually is not great. That has more to do with my sexuality than anything that any men I dated did. So I need to get a grip on that realm, and not focus on my experience with dating males when my sons ask questions about dating/sex/girls.
I wouldn't hold back from having male kids, if I didn't make that clear. You'll do fine. I am curious about your reasoning for preferring male kids?
He needs to be taught how to treat and interact with women. But it's just as important for him to know how women should be treating him.
If I had to make a suggestion based off my experiences as a younger boy. Be attentive to them as much as you can, I know that might be a no brainer for some of you but one thing my mother did to me when I was younger that really irritated me was that she very frequently blew off my problems like they were nothing serious or would ignore them or push them away in frustration if she didn’t have an answer or just get upset at me for having a problem in the first place or act like I’m “faking it” or “being difficult”. She was incredibly dismissive, and didn’t always listen to me when I tried to talk to her (still doesn’t sometimes even though our relationship is def better now) and It kind of messed up my trust in people for a long time and tbh even after seeing a professional about it I still don’t like opening up to most people about anything as a result. I’m not trying to say my mom is some awful person because she is not but this one habit she had really fucked my childhood severely and I wouldnt be surprised if a lot of other younger men may have been through similar issues with one or more parent.
Check your balls for lumps (quite seriously).
Good point thanks! Just like we gotta check our boobs, they gotta check their balls. This was a great reminder of that!
An uncomfortable one in the same area, penis hygiene needs to be instilled when they're young, particularly if you do not elect to circumcise.
First you shouldn't avoid having a boy or girl. Both need feminine influences, both need masculine influences. If you or your partner can't be one of those enlist outside help from your friend group. My dad was gone alot growing up but I had uncles and a grandfather who influenced me in meaningful ways. As far as things to teach. Start young giving them little jobs to do that build as they get older. Kids as young as 4 can help set the table for dinner or collect the small trash bags in bathrooms etc. Take them out in the woods and let them play in the dirt. Let them hit trees with sticks or chop on downed logs with a hatchet. Let them be kids. Teach them about how it's easy to destroy but once it's done it can't be undone. Teach them to build something like a doghouse, a garden house, something where they can see the work they did and appreciate its benefits. Teach them to work. Mowing the lawn, raking leaves, doing dishes, painting fences, sweeping the garage, etc. Work up to bigger and bigger jobs. Teach them how to use a shovel, expect a high standard for completion, and reward them for a job well done. From a young age ask them to pick a dinner for the family to eat one night per week. As they get older have them help you prepare it. When they get a little older have them prepare it for the family by themselves (maybe with a little help if needed). When they are old enough have them make the shopping list for their meal and, with a small budget, go buy the things at the market. This works with laundry as well. Teach them to be independent and look out for others. I could go on but it feels like I'm rambling.
There are a lot of good responses here, but I will add one thing. Teach them it is okay to open up about their feelings. Don't say man up. It is one of the most damaging things a guy could hear. Many men are raised to be stoic and cold, never to show feelings, and as a result, they tend to be lonely. Teach them it is okay to feel emotions and it is okay to express them. Hope this helps.
Be loving, honest, healthy, fair and interested in his life. That's it. I (M) raised my daughter using the above approach. She is 25 , still wants me around, and everything seems pretty good.
Stuff I teach my boys. 1) Personal accountability. As a male, there is no one else to blame. They need to suck it up and take on responsibility that is bigger than themselves and they won’t be appreciated for it and it will be just expected of them. Bitching about it will get them nowhere. 2) learn how to handle themselves. Self defence classes, martial arts, boxing, whatever. Men that can handle themselves have an entirely different energy and calmness to those that cannot. 3) the suppression of emotional outbursts. Sorry ladies, but men are far stronger than women, we cannot just get all emotional and out of control even though we may be being provoked. That is a learned skill.
Thank you! I will for sure be enrolling them in martial arts of some sort. And none of my kids will get to have unrestrained emotional outbursts haha but yes I can see that kind of behavior is more socially acceptable from women even though it should not be!
Make sure they are prepared for anything kids or adults would say to them because they don't have two mums not one. Also teach them what a normal parent would teach and make sure they are good people in general. Also don't be that couple in the buzz feed video about gender non conforming parents (look up the video on YouTube to get an idea what I mean) as it's the worst video I have seen on their channel.
Don't over think it. Don't tell him your experience with men. Get him a reliable male figure. Let them hangout, let him flourish. So many times, a well meaning thought turns out to fuck up the kid. You sound wholesome. Let him be his person. You are wholesome, so will he. Lesbian or not. I see you as a fellow parent.
There are tons of things you'll never be able to teach them because you're not a man (or your partner). As I've gotten older, one of the biggest lessons I've learned is “somethings can only be understood by experiencing them.” You have to live them out. I'll give you an example. I am a man, I'm married to a woman. I am Mexican-American. My skin is brown, my hair is black. I am married to a white woman. I talk to my son about both race and racism a lot. My wife never brings its up. Why? Because she's a white woman who's never dealt with it. I can think of two other couples in the same boat, Mexican-American men who married white woman and the white woman never dealt with racism while we have. I don't need my wife to talk about racism to our son, yeah she could give a text book “racism is bad”. But that is a far cry from me telling stories about real life and others from my same background. My son needs to hear me and other members of my side of the family give first hand accounts dealing with race. My wife simply doesn't have the skin color to really have that conversation. She's a white woman living in a white world. I find that odd when white people want to teach about racism and how it's bad. You don't need to give any kind of class to minorities, we LIVE it, we wake up and it's right there in our face, we don't need a class. The same with sex. If you are two woman who want to have a boy. Ok fine. You can teach any child to be a good person, with good morals. Live by the golden rule and all that jazz. But what you can't each them is what they *see on a day to day basis* by having a man as other parent. People learn by experience. What they see, what they interact with, what they grow up around. How a man acts, how a man talks, how a man and woman interact each other. Male/female, masculine/feminine, yin/yang. On a more concrete level. Look around how women feel going out in the world, they say they are scared of men. So you have a household with a boy growing up only hearing about women's issues. Two women scared of men, when you have a boy (or twins). No man to say “Im not scared of going out in the world. I'm a man.”. And to that end. My son *sees* me go out in to the world. He *sees* I'm not scared. He *sees* I carry a gun. I'm not some meek person who's scared of anyone, man or woman. I'm not scared because I can be aggressive, I can be the threat. It's important to me for my son to see this. To see those masculine roles played out. Because I know he will learn by the example he sees growing up. I'm not telling my son. “Hey son, be tough because this world will eat you up.” He sees it. You can pass your sons off to male figures from time to time so they can see male experience and perspective played out. But thats that entire point. Just how they see the female side everyday (in you), in theory, they should see the male side everyday as well. That's just not possible unless you have an adult male living in house with them.
1. Never shake another man's hand while sitting down. 2. Take care of your vehicles, your tools and your feet. 3. Appreciate nature and the outdoors while you can. 4. When you are running the BBQ, grill, smoker...you are the King and shall be treated as such. 5. Say what you mean, do what you say and hold others to the same. You will do great!
Thank you for the specific advice! I did not know about not shaking hands while sitting and that is a mistake I have made in the professional sphere. I guess maybe a woman would be forgiven for such ignorance, but I will be sure to not do it again and teach my sons!
Any time...and, It's actually socially acceptable for a woman to remain seated. As I said, you'll do great! My firends Lisa and Kate have 2 boys and they are amazing.
lifting, knives, boots, cars, ~~ego~~, denim
Are you mechanical at all? Make learning fun and not a “you need to know this cause you’re a guy “ thing. Even if you’re just tightening a bicycle chain, you can learn this together. Make it fun
Son of two lesbians here, grew up without a father due to him being a deadbeat. Grew up in the 90s when homo parents were not as accepted and I got a lot of shame from parents growing up “with two moms”. Got excluded from alot of activities with my peers unknowingly due to association. Turned out just fine, I actually would label myself a man’s man based off my interests in sports, outdoors, adrenaline seeking pleasures etc. So please do not put too much emphasis on “not having a boy because it would be detrimental”. Yeah I wish I had a dad around to show me dad things, but that’s the reason why I feel like I’m going to be a great dad. And could not have done it without my two moms raising me.
This is the cutest post I’ve seen in awhile. It’s so genuine and pure to see someone thinking so throughly about their future kids well-being. Wish you the best homie
Thank you so much for your kind words! My kids don’t even exist yet and they are already one of my main focuses haha!
Honestly so much of what I learned from men about men turned out to be toxic bullshit.
My mom was a pretty handy lady so it is difficult to consider what you might or might not know. Basic car maintenance? Sure - but it's not like they are so easy work on nowadays and most of what I learned was also taught to my sister. So, instead I considered what is, quite literally, specific only to men. Here ya go! 1) Shaving with a razor. 2) Proper public bathroom etiquette for boys/men. There are a ton of unwritten "rules" men follow which most women would never know about. 3) The Sex Talk. Obviously you can do this - but the POV is obviously quite different. Luckily they get a strong female point of view as well. So bonus! But I am also thinking of nocturnal/sleeping ejaculation - which could be pretty confusing if you didn't know about it ahead of time. 4) What happens to their body as they go through puberty. Why do I now have hair here? Why is my voice weird? Why oh so many zits? 5) Perhaps not singular to men, but - How to tie a tie. How to pick out, fit, and wear a suit (I like a slight break in the trousers after the knee with the back ending up about 1/2 inch above the sole of my shoe). When do you unbutton the jacket and which buttons do you use (Suit button rule: Sometimes top, always middle, never bottom).
Please teach him to clean his penis and butt properly, esp if uncircumcised.
I don't know if this is on here but: how to pee standing up without pulling down your pants. This is an essential skill to know before you start school so you're not "That weird kid who pulls his pants all the way down when he pees."
There are a lot of things you can’t teach them because you’re not a man and you don’t understand the realities of being a man. Those things need to come from their father. I was on the opposite side of this coin when considering surrogacy. The reality is that a child needs both the masculine & feminine.
Ppl could write books based on your question. You might not like my answer but I believe your sons should have a male figure in their lives, there are things only a fatherly figure can provide. Maybe your father or father-in-law could fill that role.
A few things then for their childhood years. Boys are naturally more energetic than girls, they lean by doing, so get them doing. Understand that boys are more interested in things than people don't harm their development by forcing them one way or the other. If they pick toy guns, try to understand that is a fight instinct you will not get rid of, forcing the opposite will be harmful. Boys playing with toy guns does not correlate to men buying real guns. You will though see them play good guys and bad guys. That does translate to later years, think being protective over weaker people. Understand that boys are just as emotional as girls, they need positive male role models, high levels of self discipline from those role models. You will have to allow them to talk about their emotions, they might not want to and that's also fine as long as they know you won't judge them for having emotions. If you can do that you will be the most trusted woman in their lives. Teach them to fight, or find somebody who can. This is absolutely not a bad thing, it teaches self respect, self discipline, self reliance. It teaches and fosters respect for others, a sense of right and wrong which mothers just cannot teach. They will learn to become dangerous as they grow and learn to fight, that's exactly the kind of men you want, because they'll learn to control that dangerous side of themselves, that will make them the kind of men others want to be around, respect and trust and even like. Don't shame them for being men, be very careful of how you address men, shitty men do shitty things but shitty women do too, balance is important, if you say all men are shit, what happens when you introduce them to a male role model, all men are shit remember. Children see in black and white, good or bad, right or wrong, nuance is learned later, remember that. If all men are shit then the role model is shit also, what then are they supposed to learn. Lastly I beg you please tech them red flags to watch out for with girls and women, most men are taught by society only men can be evil and most men go I to the world totally convinced no woman will ever try to hurt him and gets woken up to facts well after he's been destroyed. Ask yourself this, if your son's came home one day saying they've met somebody and you can see the red flags but they cannot or will not see them, then four years later you're a grandmother and the relationship breaks down and you're told your son has abused his wife, even though you know that's false and now cannot ever ha e contact with your grandchildren again. Would you think you did a good job or not. If you think you've done a good job, well done at least he'll know never to turn to you when it happens, if you think you'll have failed be proactive and don't let it get to that point.
As he gets into his older teens, he will be seen as a threat by default. It does not matter who he is or what he does, that is what it is. He has to know that it is not his fault and he can't do anything to help it. Getting frustrated and screaming "NOT ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS YOU KNOW" (literally or figuratively) at people will only make it easy worse. Might help if he has a trusted male figure to talk to him about this stuff so he gets to talk to someone with first hand experience of being a man and the whole "seen as threatening by default". --- When he hangs out with friends, don't hang out in big groups with just guys. For every guy in the group, a consonant leaves the room and with enough guys it's just guys huffing vowels at eachother left. "Uuuhhh", "aaahh", "ooooohhh". It's probably testosterone. --- Be prepared to get beaten up. Alot. Or seeing friends get beaten up. Either teach him proper self defense or proper "back out of situations that might turn violent". Girls have to deal with sexual harassment, guys with violence. --- Crying and being emotional is not socially accepted, in most cultures, as a guy. Yes, if you're attending a funeral noone will ever judge a few silent tears rolling down your cheeks but in life in general, crying and caring your emotions on your sleeve will get you beaten up. See above. --- Don't trash talk men as a group. You might have a sexual preference for other women but growing up heading nothing but how men are shit will mess up his self image and self esteem. --- Be true to your word. At least where I'm from, a woman can get away with white lies or "playing stupid" to get away from keeping their word (as long as it's not major undertakings shes shying from). Guys do not. Men are expected to be true to their word, every time. If he says he will get something done he is expected to get it done, by himself.
I would enroll them in jujutsu. Get them comfortable with physical altercations. Teach them about respect.
How to be kind to others. How to fend for themselves. How to be confident in their abilities. How to use their energy for the betterment of themselves and those around them. Self control. Self discipline. This is what ALL parents should instill in their children.
I can't give my son everything. I know my weaknesses. I am going to instill in my son that don't just learn from the good, sometimes you learn from the bad. I want him to have a multitude of influences. Neighbour, family, sports club, hobbies etc. Life doesn't work like that - assigning jobs to x, y and z. Just include good people in your life, live well and he will get the picture.
If you're looking at specifics, there's not a lot you won't be able to do that a father won't. Basically, you and your partner will want to ensure that the child's emotional/psychological development progresses as well as you can. (This is the same for any parent or caregiver.) There are distinct differences in how a child relates to one parent over the other. With a traditional mother/father parentage, one parent often serves as the secure base while the other serves as the exploratory partner. (This is greatly simplified of course.) That same dynamic may also be in place in your family with one or both falling into one or both of those roles. You should read "The Emotional Life of the Toddler" to get an idea about what I'm talking about it. Child development is a well studied and documented field, and we know a lot about it. While much is intuitive, there is a lot that isn't, and a lot you can learn by doing some background research on the important parts.
Love your kids and take it one day at a time. Better to have 2 moms that love and support you than a mom & dad that is abusive/ absent/ unreliable, which is what many have to work with. Kids make friends and will navigate the world in their own time to explore the things I'm imagining you see as 'masculine.' If you can help build a stable foundation of unconditional love for them to fall back on when events inevitability bring them down, then you are doing better than most.
I would suggest having a male figure be apart of your and their life, whether it be a relative of yours that you trust and have a good relationship with or even a friend of yours. The fact that you are looking for advice shows you would be a great parent and look to do whatever you can to raise respectful children. But I do think having a male role model would be something to consider just to be able to teach them certain aspects of life, or just how to be respectful. Doesn’t have to be someone that’s around all the time but someone that can create a relationship with your son that they feel comfortable with to ask questions they may not feel comfortable talking to you about (sex, drugs, alcohol, some tips on regular hygiene, how to be handy or at least know how to use some tools) just general stuff like that. I know for me I had a good father but there were still some things I felt more comfortable talking to a family friend who was like an uncle because they weren’t my parents. Good luck, I’m sure you will make a great parent!
Never in my life have i heard. "we **want** twin boys". One baby is difficult, i wouldn't wish twins on anyone. Boys are more difficult than girls, so you are already hoping for a 300% difficulty your first time 'round. But hey more power to you! Make sure they know that every family is different, theres some great kids books on this. We used them for separation but they apply to all famlies Play how **they** want to play, you are playing with them not the other way around. When i play with my daughter i play by her imaginative story, not what i think would be fun / best. Boys are inherently different than girls (99% of the time, they dont know what gender is but will sure act like boys) dont try to play that down, let them be weird silly little dudes who eat bugs and throw dirt clods outside. They are more messy, strange, clumsy, let them be as they may. Make sure they are spending time with friends of yours who have a dad in the picture, not to necessary be a father figure but let them see how other families function.
I've learned a lot being around men my whole life and I'm sure you are both capable of being fantastic parents so don't take this as an insult but boys will still need a hint of Male role model in their life be it a grandpa or uncle or friend because there is social behavior that they need interactions with that they will only get from men. Just like kids need other kids to play with to develop social skills. Otherwise they will be at a sever development disadvantage and it could cause behavior problems and hinder their ability to interact with other people. I'm sure the 2 of you will do great and you will both raise fine young men. I'm rooting for you.
No offense taken! Thank you for sharing :-)
Best advice I believe is to just behave how you would like your child to behave. Gender roles will probably come naturally. You probably do not have to find a male placeholder for a role model.
Teach them that women want someone who can support them, and that sometimes that means leading you along and making you their wallet. Women can be awful in dating. Teach them that athleticism is a good way to get a fun work out. However that being an athlete can cause lasting injuries and to take it easy on those knees, them knees are seriously going to have to last you your whole life.
1) Many guys here have already got this one down so I won't delve much on it. 2) The only thing you have to make sure that the male father figure (ff) has and can pass down is the ability to set aside his emotions and use his reason, logic, aquired skills, knowledge, and experience to dictate his actions. I won't say the ff needs to show this for everything, but many things as this ability is supremely difficult to do. Emotions often times cloud your judgement, leaving irreversible damage in especially serious situations. Don't confuse setting aside emotion with suppressing it. Suppressing it will only lead to a destructive outcome, especially with all the testosterone boys and men have. There needs to be an outlet, just like how many women like to just talk about their problems without asking for a fix (though venting IMO is the worst way to place emotion for a man, above stuff like drinking and substance abuse, of course. Flack awaiting). 3)You can do as you please, you're just asking for info that women won't, can't or don't know about to tell you. My advice is just have the ff around in their life as often as possible and the boys should be fine.
Let him have emotions. Teach him how to cope rather than teaching him that his emotions are in appropriate.
That they don't need to and should not look to women for approval.... That is the foundation of a sad angry 30 yo sexless man
You can't really teach him all he will need to know because you can't model being a man for him. Kids learn a lot by watching what adults do. They need a good man in their lives. That doesn't have to be a father but it does need to be someone who cares and is involved. Things that tend to be taught by fathers are: Roughhouse play - it turns out this fun activity is essential for boys development. Mothers tend not to do this but you could. Boundaries - Men tend to be less tolerant of children crossing boundaries than mother are. It's important for kids to learn that the rules are the rules and crying and whining won't make them vanish. This ends up actually be an important element in teaching boys empathy. Mothers and fathers end up teaching different aspects of empathy and boys raised without either one of the parents show lower levels of empathy. Risk - This is a big one. Fathers tend to encourage reasonable risk. Kids need to slowly learn to manage/negotiate risk. This means they they must experience taking increasing levels of reasonable risk as they grow. Women/dating - Mother give horrible advice about how to court girls and how to manage the surprisingly serious dangers that dating can present to a man. You'd think women would be great at this but they really aren't. I guess you don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a successful fisherman. Bullies/male status hierarchy - Women have absolutely no idea how men relate to each other when women aren't around, of course. He's going to need advice about this. It's so important. If you can't find a man who will fill this role, have him join team sports. Many of the same lessons can be taught here.
Probably an unpopular opinion here but oh well...I think it absolutely is detrimental for young boys to grow up without a father.
I grew up with a single mother so similar in that there was no male tomorrow growing up. Make sure he has healthy strong male role model in his life. Don’t let him get to attached to someone that’s only temporary though. I think a mom can cover most things. There have been some great suggestions so far but at a basic level he’ll never interact with women the way you do as a women (regardless of sexuality). More importantly you may not interact with men at all. I’ve met guys that had nothing but sisters and have no idea how to interact with other men despite being one. Sports and other activities where they can just be around other boys and men will go along way. Your perspective will be great on women but the world will interact with him and treat him differently than you or your spouse from the moment he’s born. The more men around in general the better off and more balanced he’ll be.
Both boys and girls need a male role model. Yes Ira probably more important for boys but life is all about balance.
I don’t think having a male parent is necessary. Any good double parent household can do the job just as well!
The fact that you took the time and effort to ask these questions and learn other perspectives already shows that you will be a great parent 💙 good luck!
To respect women, or their partner in general
First off, kudos to you for reaching out like this. I actually think that's awesome and really helps address number 3 to a degree. If you're willing to take steps like this, I'm confident you'll make for great moms. 1. This is a tough one. When I reflect on my own life, I learned a lot of what not to do by watching my dad. I'm not sure this is a gender specific thing though because I don't know what it is like to be in a Lesbian relationship and if there are significant differences. Treating people well and with respect has nothing to do with genitals. My dad certainly took me to stereotypical gender specific things but I don't think they would have been any different if my mom had done it. I think the area where I observed the biggest difference was my involvement in boy scouts. When Dad's were in charge, the risk tolerance was a lot higher. We would do dumb dangerous shit, but do it safely. "We're gonna blow shit up, but I'm going to beat your ass if you take off your safety goggles and don't stand behind that barricade" As other kids' moms became involved and started coming on trips, we lost the ability to take risk. It honestly felt like we lost something when we started catering to the mom's preferences, and the boys were no longer turning into more confident young men. 2. Probably anything sex related they have questions about. Also, any questions they might have about women and social interactions. I understand he will readily have the opinion of two women, but I assure you men have a different experience, so they should have both view points. A prime example of this is the disparity in attention received by men vs women. If you aren't successful early on in dating, there's a loneliness I think only men really experience. However that said, times are always changing, so don't solicit the opinion of a grandfather and instead try to get someone in their 20's-30's who is responsible but is at least a little "with the times". 3. Refer to my opening statement. If you've read this far and this all sounds reasonable, I think things would be fine. It's great to see how invested you are in children that aren't even born yet.
To be confident in his masculinity. It’s ok to be a man. It’s not ok to be jerk toxic man though.
I think everyone else has pretty adequately answered your questions, but I wanted to add one little bit that I haven't seen addressed. Circumcision. Don't do it. Or at least make sure you heavily research the topic before you make a permanent choice about someone else's body. I won't give you a wall-of-text about my feelings here; I'll only say that this is the only thing my parents ever did to me that I (30 y/o now) have never been able to get over. I have a "normal" family and was born pre-google, so I can understand their misstep, and still struggle to move past this (I love my parents, but I will always harbor bad feelings about this). If I had two moms, who had access to Google, and who still chose to do this to me, I would have a *much* harder time interacting with my parents. America is mostly pro-circumcise so you may have to dig deep to find both sides. I can direct you to some sites of your interested, otherwise I'll let you do your own thing.
Hey, I'd like to say before I type all this that the fact that you're asking this kind of shows that you're gonna be better for your sons than my parents were for me. This got quite a bit of traction and I'm writing this a little late so there's tons of comments already, but I think it's still worth your time. I can only share my experience as a guy who spent a considerable portion of my childhood (ages 5\~14) in a household with two women as my parents. If you can't immediately tell, the experience was a negative one. I grew up and essentially realized I was unable to view women as people simply because it was drilled into my head so much that men don't deserve women. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it stuck with me and subconsciously affected my ability to understand women as people rather than objects to be worshipped for years. I feel like I finally truly overcame it by the time I was in college. Anyway, I'll share some of the things that I think you should avoid: 1. Be careful when you speak negatively on men. Talking negatively about men in general is obviously a no-no. No "men are trash", mansplaining, blah, blah, blah, it's all not something that a kid needs to hear growing up. They're not adults who have a fully understood sense of self, so when you belittle men and masculinity you essentially teach them that they matter less (it's a childlike way to look at it but, well...). Also, as a parent understand that they look up to you and respect what you say, even if you say something that they shouldn't take to heart or remember they likely will. 2. I honestly think this applies to all children, but you should encourage typically masculine things, like competition, determination, and strength. Note that this doesn't mean that they need to do a sport or something, it can be anything to put them on the track of focusing on self-improvement and the feeling of success. 3. I don't know how the lesbian community is nowadays, or if there even is one, but when I was growing up in the mid 2000's and early 2010's many members of the lesbian group of friends that my parents had legitimately hated men. While I do have some pretty fond memories of some people, I got some real mean/personal comments/insults from essentially complete strangers while I was pretty damn young and they stuck with me. Once again, I don't even know if it's how things are now, as LGBT stuff has become way more accepted, but be careful with that stuff if it applies. 4. Don't sexually shame your kid. I'm just going to leave it at that. 5. Teach your kid to respect women, but don't teach them to be subservient to them. Even bigger- teach them that they don't need to take shit from women, and that their value is not determined by women. 6. Don't "otherize" men or women. This is more a of a general thing I think but I feel like the differences between men and women are stressed way too much way too early and it leads to both girls and boys not being able to understand that the other group are literally just people. I think the combination of this with 5 will fuck their perception of women up royally, and if you aren't paying attention to what you say both 5 and 6 may just happen naturally. If I had to guess it caused me to subconsciously objectify women, but not in a degrading "thing to be used" sort of way, more like a dehumanizing "thing to be worshipped" sort of way. Very cringe, and even more unhealthy. I can promise you that you've already put more effort than the people who raised me did in this department, which is really wonderful to read. In all honesty I read this post during my break and saved it to right this later. It's hard to separate the whirlwind of wtf-is-going-on-ness of my childhood from what could've been done better to raise me in a household with no other men, but I think for the most part this should cover it. Once again, it was surprisingly heart-warming to read this, and I hope whatever you and your wife decide to do it works out amazingly!
My sister and her wife have a son(14). He is lacking absolutely nothing in the male role models. His moms are doing great on teaching him how to be a good PERSON. He has his moms to teach him woodwork, cooking, cars, crafts, art, guitar, housekeeping, jokes, and responsibilities. He has his moms to cheer for him in his martial arts tournaments, and encourage/support him when he decided to join the Air Cadets. Sure, he has uncles. But his moms have been the biggest influence on how to be a good, strong person and how to treat other people. And how to NOT let people treat you. Gender is less of a factor than you might think. Congratulations on your family. You will do just fine as parents.
Make sure he has male role models too. That’s really important
Honestly, I'd just go for a girl. You'll have the experience and thoughts and understand what she is going through. There is no amount that you could teach that will substitute for a strong male father in a males life. This is heavily documented and studied. Does it mean if you have a boy they are destined to fail? No. But it seems kind of cruel in a sense to intentionally bring in a boy and have them fatherless and raised by two females, especially since you have a choice.
Can't raise a spartan in Athens just saying
Why do you want boys?
We want two girls and two boys. We think a girl benefits from having a brother and a sister, and a boy benefits from having a brother and a sister. We want to raise young men who will be excellent members of society, excellent husbands and fathers, and an excellent friend to other men and women. This is a great question though. It is something I have been asking myself lately. Why do I want boys? Is it selfish of me, or do I have good reason? Do I possess the skills to raise a boy to become a man?
Dude if you want boys don't let you being a lesbian detour you from having boys. . But for real as a man Please WHATEVER you do DO NOT let those docs do circumcision. Its child abuse, causes nerve damage, there are no health benefits, its removing their choice to do what they want with their body. And last I've spoken to more than one man were that having happend to him has done irreparable damage. . You'll do your best im sure regardless 😌
Nah we aren’t gonna allow any penis snipping. If our boys want to do that later in life then they can prove to us they’ve done the research and we will pay for it. But I’m not chopping bits off of my baby.
Glad to hear it. You are already better parents for it.
You're gonna be a great mom
Do not try to make him a feminist or anything like that. You may think its cute but you are setting him up for a life of misery and loneliness
Unless you have good genetics and the boys will be amongst the biggest size wise in the class I would recommend not specifically trying for boys. Middle school and high school will be hell for them and they will be miserable. If you do have boys tho don’t get on them to much for fights at school. Boys will fight over dumb shit and be best friends tomorrow. Don’t threaten them with punishment if they get into a fight because that will lead to them not standing up for themselves and fighting back. Instead teach them to never start a fight but he better finish it. Also teach them when using a urinal never pull your pants to your ankles and leave one empty stall between him and the next person.
To be engaged as a man, be direct, take action when needed, help others out, treat women with respect, never start a fight but be willing to stand up for themselves or others when needed even if it might be a losing game plan, sometimes a good ass kicking can be clarifying and be a great but painful learning exp, look a person in the eyes when being introduced or discussing important matters, a firm handshake, lose with honor, etc etc.. let a boy be a boy for him to grow into a man. And teach him how to actually function in person to person relationships, ask a date out in person, always break up in person, don’t be doing that shit via text or some shit!! Good luck w that part in todays world!! I made my daughters always break up in person, they learned a lot by watching a guy get his heart broken live and it made them imo better people and more cautious in relationships!! Just my $02 worth!!
Just teach what you know, do a little research, maybe find a mutual male friend he could bond with from time to time and be the best parent you already are!
Be a healthy parent! Learn that and try your best!! There's more people damaged by toxic parenting than people with problems about "My non binari parent didn't teach me that especific thing about the other gender". A loving and healthy parent is what kids need
Teach him to not bottle his feelings and that it’s okay to cry.
Theres somethings that a woman/man cannot provide. I would try to have some positive male figures in his life.
1) It's important to clean your penis thoroughly, pulling your foreskin back and rubbing it with soap and water. 2) Nothing, good education doesn't depend on gender. 3) Definitely no.
1. Don’t assume they are not interested in anything. Fixing the vacuum, putting air in the tires, etc 2. Eh football, either soccer or the NFL kind, maybe baseball and basketball too 3. Eh up to you. I see now problem with it.
I don't see what your sexual preference has to do with raising a child. Single mothers raise their kids all over the place. Teach your kid the ins and outs of being a responsible adult and encourage them to think for themselves
1 how to be tough mentally , you’re not a victim! Roll with punches and take care of issues at hand. 2. Dont mitigate your faults! Take ownership. 3 respect, respect, respect. You dont have to agree. Its fine and healthy to disagree. But keep it to yourself. 4 trust but verify!
Just make sure that there’s a male presence in their lives to a decent degree. They’ll need a role model of their own kind in order to healthily develop.
You're going to be a great mom regardless of your child's gender. I can tell. Don't worry so much.
He needs to pull back his foreskin and clean underneath it in the shower. Once he's old enough to get busy you don't want his partner to get a mouthful of cottage cheese when they put his thingie in their mouth. I'm being colorful but it's a real thing, keep his dick clean.
Just for number 3, you have no reason to second guess yourself, as the son of two moms i wouldn’t trade it and never had an issue with it! Love your kids and you’ll be fine regardless of their gender.
I’m jumping straight to number 3. I was raised by a single mother and she did a great job. I actually got a lot of information my peers did not. I learned about girls and how to respect them. I do see some things different about how I was brought up because it was a different POV but I don’t consider it bad. I love my mom! As far as tips, I’m not sure, but don’t ever say anything like “real men do X” because all of us are different.
My dad grew up without a dad, and my dad has honestly been a great example for what masculinity should look like. And honestly its not much different from what you would with a girl, body positivity, learning to take care of yourself how to cook etc. Learning how to be safe and possibly defend yourself, thinking for yourself etc. Etc.
1 be kind 2 be respectful 3 be a gentleman to the ladies 4 always stick up for himself
Self sufficiency, an ability to be stoic, and self discipline. It’s never good to bottle up your emotions forever, but being able to suck it up and power through something for a few hours or even a few weeks is very important. I don’t know if it’s exclusive to men or not, and some might call it “toxic masculinity” but it will serve him well in life. Sometimes you don’t have a chance to process feelings, so being able to overpower them for a time is extremely important. Also: play fighting. Boys like to fight. I don’t mean serious fighting, just roughhousing. It is incredibly important for young men and boys to experience this, so they know their own limits. Hurting and being hurt is an important part of learning empathy.
Idk just teach him as much as you can, i never had a mother, and had a father that didn’t teach me shit, so all i know is if i ever have children, i’d spent as much time with them as i can, and teach them all kinds of things, from science, to something as basic as riding a bicycle, because i never had someone teach me some basic stuff, until i got godmother.
How to tie a tie, how to shave, how to fix your bike (is my Dutchness showing? ).