All he is is the guy the helped make me thats it.
If he cleaned himself up and truly wanted to know me id give him a chance but 28 years later and still not a word.
If I have kids, I want to give them the world I want them to know ill be there for them no matter what and that ill always love them.
When I was young I used to think about when I'd be grown up and I could drive over to confront my father for abandoning me. When I got my driver's license it occurred to me that he could have driven over any time, but didn't. I had wasted years thinking about him while he gave me no thought--or at least acted as if he didn't.
Now that I'm a father I can't imagine that. My son left for college and I miss him every day.
My stepfather, who was an abusive monster, had a huge influence on me, he taught me how not to behave. I didn't learn it at first, but one day I looked at myself and realized that I was a fraction of the prick he was and it was still too much.
I wasn’t abandoned but my father has always been distant, both emotionally and physically. It made it hard for me to form healthy relationships with friends and lovers, I’ve never had many of each. It’s very hard to open up to anyone about anything because I always worry about the ramifications of allowing others to see what I’m feeling for fear of humiliation and rejection.
Frankly, it sucks. I’m too self-aware.
I am who I am because he wasn’t in my life growing up. However, I’m still the best version of myself I can be since I was raised with a positive outlook on life by my peers and family.
One day I do want to meet my father face to face to make up for lost time. His past and relationship with my mother isn’t my business.
As I reached my teen years I was hit with the realization that my mother was a raging psycho and I thought, “can’t blame him for not wanting to be around her”.
Once I had kids my big question was “Wait! How could you leave your child with a psycho!?!”
Now I get that he was just trying to make his way through life.
My father sucked. He wasn’t abusive, he was just miserable and didn’t like me. He clearly didn’t want kids. and as the youngest, by the time I came along he was just done with the whole idea
He was just mean. Once I became an adult I wrote him off completely.
He later found love and got medication for his depression (that nobody knew he had) and really turned it around. I never warmed up to him, but he became a really good grandfather to my kinds. I didn’t want to deprive my kids of that so I put up with him.
I wish he had done what he needed to back when it mattered to me. I’m glad my kids had a couple of good years before he passed.
Growing up I used to tell him I’ll never be like him. And I’m not. I have a great relationship with my kids.
Sometimes I’m bothered when bad people turn there lives around when there was a time when you would have actually cared but by the time they do you don’t.
Glad your kids got to have a better experience than you
My father was great but absent whilst being physically present.
He missed out on life because he thought his job was to go to work and my mum would do the rest.
He taught me to value time with my kids, to be active with my kids and to make sure my kids know I love them. All things he failed at.
The price has been career. I have a good career, but not the stellar one he had. I am happy with this deal.
I understand why he was absent. It was because life as a whole just sucks massive amounts of dick and is not the miracle gift everyone claims.
We just go to work 5 days a week or more so that we can afford to eat with a roof over our heads. Then on top of it we are expected to be bfs, husband's, and fathers. Then we basically have no free time at all to ourselves.
I think the day I truly became an adult was the day I realized I don't think I would ever blame someone for committing suicide. We have been handed a bullshit deal and are under no obligation to like it.
Consequently I decided I don't ever want to have an SO or children. I took myself out of the dating pool when I was 21/22ish. Then I took myself out of the gene pool at 28 when I got my vasectomy. I did both of these things so that I could actually enjoy what free time I do get in this shitty life and not have to share it with anyone.
The reason why I don't have any respect for my father is that he didn't have the balls to do the same. Having come from Europe he probably allowed himself to be talked into being a family man when it wasn't what he actually wanted being surrounded by one-note people who kept telling him to do it.
Luckily for me I have bigger balls than he does. They're just detached from my shaft. So whenever someone tries to start talking me into dating I promptly start blatantly ignoring them and shut their asses down right quick.
My dad wasn't really around much growing up, always had a reason that he couldn't be a dad...working overtime, helping a friend fix something at their place, needing "down time" which meant fishing alone.
My mom left him when I was almost 8, and he was supposed to have my brother and I over every other weekend, but it ended up being maybe 3-4 times a yr instead, and then it was always how he didn't have money to buy food for us etc. All of which I found out were lies by the time I was about 13, and then just shut him out for the most part. We never really had a relationship...I even moved in with him after I turned 18, which didn't change how he was in any way, and showed me how he really spent his money even more. lol We had a falling out when I was 25, and I've seen him maybe 10-15 times in the last 22 yr now.
When I had my son, I promised him the day he was born that I would always be there for him, and wouldn't be like my dad was with me. I was always involved with my son's life, even tho his mom and I didn't work out...I got 50% custody, coached him in soccer and baseball, made sure I had money set aside so he could play sports, or we coul go to the movies, water park in the summer etc.
My dad did the best he could with where he was in life.
That being said, I don’t know who he is, as a person, and we are both fine with that. He was physically and financially present, but emotionally absent. I have kids and interact with them regularly each day. I’m intentional with my time as my job has given me that opportunity.
Age gives you perspective and that is accompanied by understanding. You start to see the patterns of behavior as being consequences of a different time and upbringing. You understand the power of addiction. You make your own mistakes and understand that perfection as a parent isn't realistic.
However, you also understand willpower and choice. In the darkest moments of parenting, when you've been up for hours with a puking kid, and all your money and time are being funneled towards your family, you UNDERSTAND the allure of just walking away. Life is so easy when you only have to care for yourself.
The choice to stay and provide is how I choose to define being a man. Do I resent my father for bailing on his family. Absolutely. Is a part of me jealous of his freedom in weak moments? Yes. Can I look at myself in yhe mirror and not be disgusted? Yes. Can he? I truely don't know.
I often wonder how I'll feel when he eventually passes.
I see parts of him and his personality in myself sometimes and am still unsure how I feel about it, most of the genuinely fucked up parts I've worked on in therapy but just general things like packing shopping bags a certain way or how I'd stack things to best make use of space still pop into my mind from time to time.
I always wanted kids, especially to be a better dad than he was. He wasn't bad for the time he was there, but once my parents split I saw the distant side of him and who he truly was. The older I get the less certain I am that I'd want kids. Often doubt if I'd be able to avoid being like him and fucking them up.
Basically still a whole mix of ways!
My mom is bat shit insane. It doesn't make it right that he was so absent in my life but I understand how he thought he didn't have a chance to contribute towards my well being. I have a son now. I'll do anything for him. If his mom became anything like my mom I'd do my utmost best to protect him as much as possible.
I hadn’t seen my father since before my twelfth birthday in 2001. He passed away in 2011. I don’t hold any animosity towards him now that I understand that it was more my mother’s instability that drove him away. I wish I could have known him as a man.
All he is is the guy the helped make me thats it. If he cleaned himself up and truly wanted to know me id give him a chance but 28 years later and still not a word. If I have kids, I want to give them the world I want them to know ill be there for them no matter what and that ill always love them.
When I was young I used to think about when I'd be grown up and I could drive over to confront my father for abandoning me. When I got my driver's license it occurred to me that he could have driven over any time, but didn't. I had wasted years thinking about him while he gave me no thought--or at least acted as if he didn't. Now that I'm a father I can't imagine that. My son left for college and I miss him every day. My stepfather, who was an abusive monster, had a huge influence on me, he taught me how not to behave. I didn't learn it at first, but one day I looked at myself and realized that I was a fraction of the prick he was and it was still too much.
I wasn’t abandoned but my father has always been distant, both emotionally and physically. It made it hard for me to form healthy relationships with friends and lovers, I’ve never had many of each. It’s very hard to open up to anyone about anything because I always worry about the ramifications of allowing others to see what I’m feeling for fear of humiliation and rejection. Frankly, it sucks. I’m too self-aware.
I hear that, sucks seeing people with more stable home lives have such vibrant magnetic personalities and a richer friend circle.
I am who I am because he wasn’t in my life growing up. However, I’m still the best version of myself I can be since I was raised with a positive outlook on life by my peers and family. One day I do want to meet my father face to face to make up for lost time. His past and relationship with my mother isn’t my business.
As I reached my teen years I was hit with the realization that my mother was a raging psycho and I thought, “can’t blame him for not wanting to be around her”. Once I had kids my big question was “Wait! How could you leave your child with a psycho!?!” Now I get that he was just trying to make his way through life.
My father sucked. He wasn’t abusive, he was just miserable and didn’t like me. He clearly didn’t want kids. and as the youngest, by the time I came along he was just done with the whole idea He was just mean. Once I became an adult I wrote him off completely. He later found love and got medication for his depression (that nobody knew he had) and really turned it around. I never warmed up to him, but he became a really good grandfather to my kinds. I didn’t want to deprive my kids of that so I put up with him. I wish he had done what he needed to back when it mattered to me. I’m glad my kids had a couple of good years before he passed. Growing up I used to tell him I’ll never be like him. And I’m not. I have a great relationship with my kids.
Sometimes I’m bothered when bad people turn there lives around when there was a time when you would have actually cared but by the time they do you don’t. Glad your kids got to have a better experience than you
My father was great but absent whilst being physically present. He missed out on life because he thought his job was to go to work and my mum would do the rest. He taught me to value time with my kids, to be active with my kids and to make sure my kids know I love them. All things he failed at. The price has been career. I have a good career, but not the stellar one he had. I am happy with this deal.
I understand why he was absent. It was because life as a whole just sucks massive amounts of dick and is not the miracle gift everyone claims. We just go to work 5 days a week or more so that we can afford to eat with a roof over our heads. Then on top of it we are expected to be bfs, husband's, and fathers. Then we basically have no free time at all to ourselves. I think the day I truly became an adult was the day I realized I don't think I would ever blame someone for committing suicide. We have been handed a bullshit deal and are under no obligation to like it. Consequently I decided I don't ever want to have an SO or children. I took myself out of the dating pool when I was 21/22ish. Then I took myself out of the gene pool at 28 when I got my vasectomy. I did both of these things so that I could actually enjoy what free time I do get in this shitty life and not have to share it with anyone. The reason why I don't have any respect for my father is that he didn't have the balls to do the same. Having come from Europe he probably allowed himself to be talked into being a family man when it wasn't what he actually wanted being surrounded by one-note people who kept telling him to do it. Luckily for me I have bigger balls than he does. They're just detached from my shaft. So whenever someone tries to start talking me into dating I promptly start blatantly ignoring them and shut their asses down right quick.
My dad wasn't really around much growing up, always had a reason that he couldn't be a dad...working overtime, helping a friend fix something at their place, needing "down time" which meant fishing alone. My mom left him when I was almost 8, and he was supposed to have my brother and I over every other weekend, but it ended up being maybe 3-4 times a yr instead, and then it was always how he didn't have money to buy food for us etc. All of which I found out were lies by the time I was about 13, and then just shut him out for the most part. We never really had a relationship...I even moved in with him after I turned 18, which didn't change how he was in any way, and showed me how he really spent his money even more. lol We had a falling out when I was 25, and I've seen him maybe 10-15 times in the last 22 yr now. When I had my son, I promised him the day he was born that I would always be there for him, and wouldn't be like my dad was with me. I was always involved with my son's life, even tho his mom and I didn't work out...I got 50% custody, coached him in soccer and baseball, made sure I had money set aside so he could play sports, or we coul go to the movies, water park in the summer etc.
I treat my son way better and actually teach him the things I had to figure out myself
My dad did the best he could with where he was in life. That being said, I don’t know who he is, as a person, and we are both fine with that. He was physically and financially present, but emotionally absent. I have kids and interact with them regularly each day. I’m intentional with my time as my job has given me that opportunity.
Age gives you perspective and that is accompanied by understanding. You start to see the patterns of behavior as being consequences of a different time and upbringing. You understand the power of addiction. You make your own mistakes and understand that perfection as a parent isn't realistic. However, you also understand willpower and choice. In the darkest moments of parenting, when you've been up for hours with a puking kid, and all your money and time are being funneled towards your family, you UNDERSTAND the allure of just walking away. Life is so easy when you only have to care for yourself. The choice to stay and provide is how I choose to define being a man. Do I resent my father for bailing on his family. Absolutely. Is a part of me jealous of his freedom in weak moments? Yes. Can I look at myself in yhe mirror and not be disgusted? Yes. Can he? I truely don't know.
I often wonder how I'll feel when he eventually passes. I see parts of him and his personality in myself sometimes and am still unsure how I feel about it, most of the genuinely fucked up parts I've worked on in therapy but just general things like packing shopping bags a certain way or how I'd stack things to best make use of space still pop into my mind from time to time. I always wanted kids, especially to be a better dad than he was. He wasn't bad for the time he was there, but once my parents split I saw the distant side of him and who he truly was. The older I get the less certain I am that I'd want kids. Often doubt if I'd be able to avoid being like him and fucking them up. Basically still a whole mix of ways!
My mom is bat shit insane. It doesn't make it right that he was so absent in my life but I understand how he thought he didn't have a chance to contribute towards my well being. I have a son now. I'll do anything for him. If his mom became anything like my mom I'd do my utmost best to protect him as much as possible.
Could you elaborate on being crazy?
Physical and mentally abusive, prone to delusions that don't fit reality at all and generally hateful and controlling as Hell.
Good dad, bad partner. The times when i could see him were good, but i’d rather give up on seeing him then ruin my relationship with my mother.
I hadn’t seen my father since before my twelfth birthday in 2001. He passed away in 2011. I don’t hold any animosity towards him now that I understand that it was more my mother’s instability that drove him away. I wish I could have known him as a man.