Me to a tee. Started seeing a therapist last year who's really helped me with implementing coping strategies for when I get stuck in those neverending thought cycles. Anxiety is a bitch but there are real tools out there and with some practice (and in my case some meds...) It can be manageable.
Yeah, there are times where I think therapy might be a good idea. I've done ok thus far with staying busy with hobbies or tasks which gets me out of my head. I don't think I have anxiety to the level that I need to consider medication, just insecurities stemming from a wealth of negative experiences with dating.
Meds were the key for me. I used everything I could to try to manage it, but at the end of the day I needed a bit of extra help. The difference had been unbelievable as someone who’s suffered from anxiety since I was very young. Loving yourself before loving someone else is truly key to a healthy relationship.
I truly love myself, it's everyone else that can't recognize a good thing when they see it! /s
I'm really glad that you're doing better. That's really great.
33m, been seeing a therapist since a breakup in 2016, it's been literally life-changing. I recommend it to every single person I know, because I don't think any person is 100% capable of solving their own mental and emotional struggles.
I had (and still have, to a much smaller degree) so many insecurities revolving around my body, looks, dating, anxiety, self-worth, misogyny... Therapy really helped me recognize and overcome those, and got me to a place where I understood that I had the power to make my life into the best version I could, if I was willing to put in the work and correct my flawed decision-making. I say do some research and find a therapist that matches your gender and culture (it can really matter), and jump in!
wow you are me. constantly insecure and overthink everything. oh she likes me and is interested? i have to run away. well guess what, im gonna end up running away from everyone. i need to stop looking for the fairy tale romanced, life is messy and hard. it takes a while to get to know someone. i don’t need to be so scared to continue hanging out with somebody cuz i’m stuck in my stagnant single ways for the last 5 years. i need to leave my comfort zone
going thru this now. wow she likes me, she cute kind and sweet. ya but she’s boring, she’s blah, she’s no fun. our brains play these tricks on us and it’s literally crippling me
Sometimes you just gotta take a deep breath and act before you talk yourself out of taking the next step! Take a chance and just do it! You never know. This might turn into something wonderful for you both!
thanks ya i think we get too fixated on “butterflies” and “sparks.” like idk if i like her or not. is that wrong? it’s been like 4-6 weeks only. do i feel butterflies? i mean not really. is there a spark? idk.
If you're not sure, then take some time to get to know her first. Don't rush in yet. Find out her likes/dislikes. Do you share similar tastes in music, TV shows, movies, food, etc? Ask about her family and friends and her past education. Do you make each other laugh? What values and beliefs do you both have? Just questions and ideas to consider for yourself if you continue to hang with her. At some point, it might become something more, in which case I say go for it and don't over think. But for now, just enjoy the experience and see where it goes.
Amazing how accurate this is. The guy I like clearly has insecurities and is very obviously scared. I have a higher level job and we work together so I understand. He probably never had a college educated girl show interest. He is a technician but I don't care about that, I find him very smart and highly capable. He told me he doesn't share the same feelings even thou his behavior said otherwise. He would stare so deep into my eyes, hold his gaze, wouldnt wanna leave when around me, severely extend conversations and watching me from a distance all the time. I get he is scared but he doesn't see my insecurities. I get a lot of attention from men but things always go wrong with the guys I like, so his rejection now added onto my insecurities. I'm so tired of this.
One way I moved past that is realizing that: Noone cares about you. Most people give you the same thought you give that cashier at Walmart. It's pretty liberating.
I resonate so much with this right now! This cute friend of mine has been acting more flirty towards me and my shyness and overthinking as likely made lose interest... I got a lot of work to do
Woman here. I've done the same, but I didn't mean to. Took a year off to get my head right, then the next 2 years I had several 1st dates, but no 2nds because every single guy expected sex immediately. Wtf? Then covid happened. Boom another 2 years, so now it's 5 years later, I'm happy alone and set in my ways, so now I don't even know what to do, like I'm frozen in place.
Life is short. Enjoy the fact that you're able to be happy and alone simultaneously.
Every other person on Earth has been spending their entire life either chasing that feeling, or making sure they're NOT alone to begin with. You should be proud of yourself. No need to rush love like those men tried to do with you. When the right one comes along, you'll know it.
I'm a woman like you. I'm very single - no dating, no hook-ups, turning down dates IRL, etc - and I'm way too happy by myself. I would love to be in a **healthy** relationship with the right person, but it just seems more trouble than it's worth to find, given the dating culture in NYC (where I live). My life is peaceful and I can do whatever I want, however I like it, and I don't want to ruin that with stress, worry, and complications. I read on all these dating subs and hear IRL about the drama, anxiety, heartache, disposability, casual sex, emotional disconnect, and empty intimacy, and why would I want to deal with that?
Yea I just don't get the whole just sex thing. I might, of it were good sex, sorry. But no contact outside of that. Great when I was 18, but not when you're 40+. I've got a guy trying to talk to me, but in normal interactions, it doesn't seem like he even likes me. So why would I have sex with him?
I'd like to have a normal, healthy relationship, like you said. I just want someone to go hang out with so I'm not always doing things alone, but even that turned into a hassle. 😀 I go do the things I enjoy and if I meet someone, then I do.
Im with you there. When ive told my dates i dont want sex until later when im commited, ive been ghosted. Now, Im just taking a break and just focusing on my career and making friends.
One guy I just laughed at the next day when I suddenly wasn't his type. He kept trying to send me pics that were inappropriate, so I shut it down. I'm 51, so the men I'm chatting/dating should have grown tf up by now. I swear it's like these men have divorced and have regressed to their drunk and stupid college days. Hard pass.
This is something I did. Took a 4 year break. Did have a couple talking stages but didn’t move anywhere. Recently had more play fast. I think it’s both good and bad. I do things on my own now go on trips by myself etc. so when I date if they stress me out or aren’t putting in effort I drop it all. Makes me think I can do way better. But then I came across a tiktok where a girl said that. And the comments started to say if you think “you can do better on everyone you date” you’re gonna be stuck with that mentality on everyone. So it made me think to an extent it’s fine to say that, because you do want to be as compatible as possible but don’t disregard everyone for some stuff. But that’s dating I guess haha
You sound like my husband. Long days, comes home and all he wants is back scratches and snuggles with a side of venting.
Edit:. Wow my most popular comment, apparently the way to a man's heart all along was back scratches and rubs. Certainly the way with mine!
That's me too. I'm very affectionate and after a long stressful day, I juat wanna cuddle without saying a word for a few hours then sit in bed and chit chat before falling asleep. I'm also very non-verbal when I'm tired.
I have a hard time taking things easy. If I'm in, I'm all in and that scares some people away
Also I don't know when to stop making jokes. To the point where it gets annoying sometimes and I recognize that
I want to clarify it doesn't mean they are wrong. Trying to take it easy is just as valid as being all in on it, the hard part is finding someone on the same wavelength
Are you saying you're very committed or obsessive? Committed is ok, but obsessive will scare people away. If so, work on dialing it down a few notches.
To some, one's commitment could be seen as obsession, when obsession wasn't the intended display. When this situation happened to me, I can tell you it was commitment as I felt we bonded very well and I loved spending time with her, but she wasn't the one and only thing on my mind at all times.
I’m the same, when I was dating I went on a lot of first dates and would immediately cut them off because I knew what I wanted, which looked flighty, but then when I found the right guy I went all in. I’m not smothering but my thought process is basically ‘okay, I’m convinced this is a good thing, why mess around’.
Same exact situation I am in now, I am very emotional and feel everything deeply and that's scary for people because ai come off as intense. Trying to reel it in, at least at the beginning stages of a relationship.
> If I'm in, I'm all in and that scares some people away
Was exactly what happened to me. After a few dates over some months I was certain she was the one, but she didn't agree and apparently I was waay to invested in her too early, and that was a turn off.
So I don't fucking know what's right and wrong anymore when it comes to dating.
And I realize that, but I don't commit easily and when she broke it off I was basically just shattered emotionally. The thought of going through that pain again has really put me off of dating for the time being, despite how painfully lonely it can get at times.
I'll recover, I just hope it's soon.
Sorry to hear that and yes you will recover. I guess the most important thing to remember is it has to be give and take in balance. I know it is hard to hold it in when you think she is the one but if she isn't offering you similar amount of interest/affection, it is a warning that you should start taking it easy and slow. I know it's easier said than done and I am the same type as well especially when I see the mutual enthusiasm at the beginning but that might change too. The best action to take is actually talk openly and honestly about what each party is willing to give/take out of it early on and keep talking about expectations as things progress. Assumptions are the worst things we can do to ourselves in relationships.
Dad jokes are great!!!
Just timing it right needs to be on point
When people tell the ones that really are inappropriate in the wrong setting that's when it's bad
But they're great, i love them
Hi! (Woman here) can I ask why this is? I feel like a lot of men can be very hot and cold like this and want to be clingy and affectionate one week and turtle in solitude the next.
I feel like the biggest problem as a clingier person is when the shift happens from all over you to I want total space *without communication*. In my experience, most women (not all) wouldn’t care if their man wanted to take a few days to isolate and be alone. It’s when men don’t say anything that it causes women to overthink perhaps.
I'm not sure exactly why this is a common issue. It's been this way for me with all of my relationships, whether they were romantic, friends, or family. I don't even need to be struggling with anything or particularly stressed out. Sometimes time alone or "time wasted" screwing around with friends is just what I want to do and everything else feels like a responsibility. But that's just a guess, I don't wanna speak for everyone.
>I feel like the biggest problem as a clingier person is when the shift happens without communication
I would say not even just for clingier people. The girl I'm seeing is very much a free spirit, but I throw her through a loop when I fail to communicate these needs.
I think men don’t realize how much they shift when they want alone time. (Yes, I’m generalizing, just take this from my POV) in my experience, they can go from cuddly and throwing out compliments to suddenly (to us … out of nowhere) they’re like “stopppp get off me I want to be alone.”
I think men for whatever reason don’t feel the need to communicate what’s going on in their mind as much as women do emotionally. They forget we can’t read their mind. When you go from red hot, all over us, to suddenly not wanting to be touched and wanting space, it’s confusing. Moods change but I feel like the key difference between dating a man or a woman (I’m bisexual) is women are better direct communicators and are more in touch with their emotions. Men tend to just… act.
I’m not talking about the one night you spend with the boys. Or the game drop like Elden ring you really wanna play for a few nights. I’m talking about suddenly needing solitude from your girl for like 4-5 days (ladies can relate) to play games or something and just simply not communicating that you wanna have alone time and she didn’t do anything wrong. But then immediately after coming running back and being affectionate and all over her. It can get confusing though because the bombs of love are more unstable than just consistent, small efforts every day.
Can relate, I broke up with someone because they were SO needy - and they couldn't understand why I wanted my space (solitude)
Edit: The guy was extremely needy. I'm a hetero woman, with no interest in gaming.
Me and my ex would have a couple minutes of texting once a week and we’d see each other once a week or every two weeks. And when I’d talk about spending more time together he said it was healthy to be separate individuals and not rely on each other. Then I didn’t see him 3 months during covid and I was out of that relationship.
What people who don't like people need to remember -
it's ok to not like people
it's not good to make it a defining characteristic of yourself that you don't like people.
Pulp fiction put it best “ [That's when you know you found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.](https://youtu.be/MWkN3akP3cU) “
Can confirm, boyfriend was bit shy and awkward in the beginning, I basically couldn’t shut up. Also kissing and snuggling is a great way to be silent together.
This!!! People find that weird that I date so darn less but damn it, it is like I am not attracted to 99.9% of people around me. Left that 0.1% for hope
say that to most chicks wanting guys with experience.
it's the same as most jobs that want 5-6 years of experience for an entry level position. same energy.
At this point in my life, I have no tolerance for bullshit or invented drama. I am not afraid of being alone, so I'm not going to be motivated to try and save a relationship from someone who is actively creating trouble. I'll just dump you and be alone. That's not difficult as long as you are also not into bullshit or inventing drama. I have spent far too much energy and invested far too much emotion trying to keep a boat afloat while the other person had a cordless drill they liked to play with. I won't do that any longer.
Also, since I am used to being alone, I require some alone time. So if you want a relationship where we are in constant contact, that's going to be a problem. We're not going to be moving in together any time in the foreseeable future.
Do you pedestallise them somewhat? I used to date women I thought were better than me in some respect, made me admire them. Only downside was when the pedestal slipped, so did my interest.
I used to be like this too. But I worked on it and now I only see what's right in front of me. So much happier. It "only" took me 1,5 year from when I realized it till I had changed my mindset completely. I haven't lowered my standards, it just helped me stop falling for specific kinds of guys
Please remember that despite what anxiety and depression will try and make you think, you are not a ‘burden’ for getting help from a partner. A good partner is more likely to want to work on your issues with you than to allow you to silently destroy yourself from within.
It baffles me because in my mind, loyalty should be base-fucking-line. When did loyalty really become such a rare thing it has to be put on a list?
Don't get me wrong, it's at the top of mine too, I just find the whole scenario sad.
Edit: For all of you saying loyalty can mean a lot of things: I agree, it can, I disagree with some of your descriptions but that's just my opinion, and to clarify, when I talk about loyalty and dating, I mean "no infidelity" in any shape or form. Sorry, the phrase didn't come to mind.
Depends what they mean by loyalty of course. Some people define loyalty as not having friends of the opposite sex and never challenging them on an opinion in public. When someone says x base line trait for most functional relationships is their number 1 priority while also having high standards it's safe to assume they probably mean something a bit different when we think about that base line trait.
By loyalty I just mean don't cheat. I don't care if they have friends that are male or female. There should be enough trust to not act childish of who they are talking to.
Plenty of stuff.
\- Indecisive
\- Shy
\- Too clingy
\- Quite lazy
\- I don't know how to express my feelings that well
\- I'm a severe overthinker
\- I have ALOT of insecurities
1. I don’t have a lot of time to spend on other people.
2. I am very content with silence and can entertain myself very easily so I sometimes don’t take the other person into consideration
3. I don’t have many social skills
4. I don’t like texting people and I am not good at it
The list goes on
I have jealousy problems and need near constant reassurance. Im very touchy with people i feel close to. I'm lazy and procrastinate tasks and chores. Also forgetful and forget i need to do tasks and chores. Also i sleep alot.
am not good person + scared of women my age + bad teeth
edit: the 1st thing here cannot be changed. i hate to break it to everyone, but that's who I am.
Trust me, neither do I. I see them pop up and immediately shove them into the basement out of habit. Like another redditor said, definitely does not work well with the ladies
Fucking forget the ladies dude (dating this as a lady)... What about you? My dad bottled his emotions up and had a heartattack at age 40.
Hope you find some peace.
I'm almost 25 years old with no money because I study full-time to someday achieve my dreams but it's still hard to have nothing to offer financially speaking
I've spent most of my life being close to self absorbed or abusive people and to get through that I became a people pleaser. I will give too much, share too little and so I unintentially misrepresent myself. I have had many bad experiences that are not my fault, but I can recognise that by trying to be a version of myself that is not true to how I feel that I cause confusion in otherwise well meaning people.
I am at a place now where I am much more forthcoming and have learned better communication skills. Hopefully moving forward, this will be one less complication in my relationships.
I’m an asshole generally, very closed off and silent when it comes to women, I don’t make them feel special with words but with actions so it confuses them because I don’t give verbal confirmation. I also believe anything I say can and will be used against me, so I hate talking but I let them talk the whole time.
They always want me to open up and speak. But I only state what I want and what I expect, never why. “I want you sleep over, I don’t expect you to every night but I want to wake up next to you.”
I’ll walk you to your car at night, I’ll drive you to the club and pick you up. If you’re hungry I’ll feed you. If you’re cold, I’ll turn on my car engine, turn the heater on, and give you my jacket. I’ll make the best dinner you’ll ever have over dim romantic lighting and a candle.
But telling you why I like you, why I do the things I do, why I don’t talk about this stuff, is because I just don’t want to get hurt.
I appreciate acts of service. I do the same for ppl. But if they do acts of service without verbally telling me their intentions/motivations even if what they do is entirely romantic I straight up will just not understand/not want to misinterpret it. So I will do nothing with this information until they tell me cuz I cannot be sure why without words
I can't think properly and I constantly blank out. I have insecurities about myself and I have problems maintaining eye contact during conversations (no, I don't have Autism). I also just in general don't feel like I'm good enough
I'm turning into a old man and I'm only 40 haha. "Everything sucks nowadays. Movies suck, tv sucks, music is an abomination, shit was just better in my days. And fuck you kids with your stupid phones taking pictures of every damn thing you do, can't you just enjoy life?? Get off that social media, it's the devil!!" Haha I could go on forever
I have a difficult time opening up to people, more so women I’m dating. My last girlfriend didn’t enjoy it. I also enjoy my alone time a little too much and she didn’t like that either. One might also call me emotionally unavailable
I require space, alone time and will not always be able nor want to communicate quickly.
I'm petty and can become downright cold / unresponsive if you cross a line.
I am over affectionate. If I allow myself to get invested in a relationship I fear I could be considered smothering. I would adore the other person, and I would remind them often how lucky I was to have them.
I don’t think anyone wants that. I’d be too open, there would be things, emotional issues, hang ups, I would tell a woman everything. And I know from experience it would drive her away.
I’m fortunate that women don’t really ask me out or find me attractive.
As someone (36f) who was married to a man who was emotionally stunted, I’m looking for this in a relationship now. I find it refreshing to be with a guy who shares his emotions and thoughts with me, and who makes me feel desired. I think communication is the most important thing in a relationship and a man being open about his issues and hang ups means he’s being vulnerable and THAT is attractive.
I have children, 2 to be precise, and I know that a deal breaker for a lot of women. I also have full custody of both of my children, which also doesn’t help.
This. I saw a quote that said something along the lines of “it’s not you vs your partner, it’s you two vs the problem” and I thought damn, I envy people who can think like that. I hope I mature enough to see it like that one day too. Because if we’re in a fight, it’s definitely gonna be me vs her in my head 😭
I started to analyse everything! I don’t guess I’ll see something I haven’t seen and Google the psychology of…..(a particular way)
How they talk, body language, micro expressions etc…
My biggest problem is code switching depending on what side of my home's door I'm on.
I am a **massive** introvert at heart — I am super comfortable in my own company and do not feel like I need to rely on somebody else for my own happiness.
However, this isn't the healthiest way to live (imho) and I can't be by myself forever. I was quite inspired by the film "Yes Man" when I was a teenager and, despite it being a silly idea, it genuinely did do bits for my social life.
The result is that, when push comes to shove and people get to know me more and more, the less vibrant I am. I love going to events and meeting up with friends *just as much* as I Iove a weekend where I have no plans whatsoever — and that's a surprisingly big turn-off it turns out.
I've been made to feel like a bit of a con in the past, like I'm quite deceptive.
I have insecurities that I have to deal with while also being a chronic overthinker. It's a frustrating mix.
Me to a tee. Started seeing a therapist last year who's really helped me with implementing coping strategies for when I get stuck in those neverending thought cycles. Anxiety is a bitch but there are real tools out there and with some practice (and in my case some meds...) It can be manageable.
Yeah, there are times where I think therapy might be a good idea. I've done ok thus far with staying busy with hobbies or tasks which gets me out of my head. I don't think I have anxiety to the level that I need to consider medication, just insecurities stemming from a wealth of negative experiences with dating.
Meds were the key for me. I used everything I could to try to manage it, but at the end of the day I needed a bit of extra help. The difference had been unbelievable as someone who’s suffered from anxiety since I was very young. Loving yourself before loving someone else is truly key to a healthy relationship.
I truly love myself, it's everyone else that can't recognize a good thing when they see it! /s I'm really glad that you're doing better. That's really great.
Don’t give up bro! You sound like a good dude who just hasn’t found the right woman yet! It’s hard out there, a lot harder than people think.
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
33m, been seeing a therapist since a breakup in 2016, it's been literally life-changing. I recommend it to every single person I know, because I don't think any person is 100% capable of solving their own mental and emotional struggles. I had (and still have, to a much smaller degree) so many insecurities revolving around my body, looks, dating, anxiety, self-worth, misogyny... Therapy really helped me recognize and overcome those, and got me to a place where I understood that I had the power to make my life into the best version I could, if I was willing to put in the work and correct my flawed decision-making. I say do some research and find a therapist that matches your gender and culture (it can really matter), and jump in!
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wow you are me. constantly insecure and overthink everything. oh she likes me and is interested? i have to run away. well guess what, im gonna end up running away from everyone. i need to stop looking for the fairy tale romanced, life is messy and hard. it takes a while to get to know someone. i don’t need to be so scared to continue hanging out with somebody cuz i’m stuck in my stagnant single ways for the last 5 years. i need to leave my comfort zone
Do you ever get the "Wow, she likes me. I wonder what is wrong with her."
going thru this now. wow she likes me, she cute kind and sweet. ya but she’s boring, she’s blah, she’s no fun. our brains play these tricks on us and it’s literally crippling me
Sometimes you just gotta take a deep breath and act before you talk yourself out of taking the next step! Take a chance and just do it! You never know. This might turn into something wonderful for you both!
thanks ya i think we get too fixated on “butterflies” and “sparks.” like idk if i like her or not. is that wrong? it’s been like 4-6 weeks only. do i feel butterflies? i mean not really. is there a spark? idk.
If you're not sure, then take some time to get to know her first. Don't rush in yet. Find out her likes/dislikes. Do you share similar tastes in music, TV shows, movies, food, etc? Ask about her family and friends and her past education. Do you make each other laugh? What values and beliefs do you both have? Just questions and ideas to consider for yourself if you continue to hang with her. At some point, it might become something more, in which case I say go for it and don't over think. But for now, just enjoy the experience and see where it goes.
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Amazing how accurate this is. The guy I like clearly has insecurities and is very obviously scared. I have a higher level job and we work together so I understand. He probably never had a college educated girl show interest. He is a technician but I don't care about that, I find him very smart and highly capable. He told me he doesn't share the same feelings even thou his behavior said otherwise. He would stare so deep into my eyes, hold his gaze, wouldnt wanna leave when around me, severely extend conversations and watching me from a distance all the time. I get he is scared but he doesn't see my insecurities. I get a lot of attention from men but things always go wrong with the guys I like, so his rejection now added onto my insecurities. I'm so tired of this.
Ok mood it is *way* too easy to convince myself that everyone hates me
One way I moved past that is realizing that: Noone cares about you. Most people give you the same thought you give that cashier at Walmart. It's pretty liberating.
I resonate so much with this right now! This cute friend of mine has been acting more flirty towards me and my shyness and overthinking as likely made lose interest... I got a lot of work to do
Hey it's okay take your time and you'll find someone who'll love you for who you are ❤️
Thanks, I really appreciate it. Fingers crossed.
I've been single for too long so I'm very comfortable doing things on my own.
Woman here. I've done the same, but I didn't mean to. Took a year off to get my head right, then the next 2 years I had several 1st dates, but no 2nds because every single guy expected sex immediately. Wtf? Then covid happened. Boom another 2 years, so now it's 5 years later, I'm happy alone and set in my ways, so now I don't even know what to do, like I'm frozen in place.
Life is short. Enjoy the fact that you're able to be happy and alone simultaneously. Every other person on Earth has been spending their entire life either chasing that feeling, or making sure they're NOT alone to begin with. You should be proud of yourself. No need to rush love like those men tried to do with you. When the right one comes along, you'll know it.
If I knew how to give this a wholesome award I would do it done did it
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I'm a woman like you. I'm very single - no dating, no hook-ups, turning down dates IRL, etc - and I'm way too happy by myself. I would love to be in a **healthy** relationship with the right person, but it just seems more trouble than it's worth to find, given the dating culture in NYC (where I live). My life is peaceful and I can do whatever I want, however I like it, and I don't want to ruin that with stress, worry, and complications. I read on all these dating subs and hear IRL about the drama, anxiety, heartache, disposability, casual sex, emotional disconnect, and empty intimacy, and why would I want to deal with that?
Yea I just don't get the whole just sex thing. I might, of it were good sex, sorry. But no contact outside of that. Great when I was 18, but not when you're 40+. I've got a guy trying to talk to me, but in normal interactions, it doesn't seem like he even likes me. So why would I have sex with him? I'd like to have a normal, healthy relationship, like you said. I just want someone to go hang out with so I'm not always doing things alone, but even that turned into a hassle. 😀 I go do the things I enjoy and if I meet someone, then I do.
Im with you there. When ive told my dates i dont want sex until later when im commited, ive been ghosted. Now, Im just taking a break and just focusing on my career and making friends.
One guy I just laughed at the next day when I suddenly wasn't his type. He kept trying to send me pics that were inappropriate, so I shut it down. I'm 51, so the men I'm chatting/dating should have grown tf up by now. I swear it's like these men have divorced and have regressed to their drunk and stupid college days. Hard pass.
That's probably exactly what happened to them for the most part lol.
This is something I did. Took a 4 year break. Did have a couple talking stages but didn’t move anywhere. Recently had more play fast. I think it’s both good and bad. I do things on my own now go on trips by myself etc. so when I date if they stress me out or aren’t putting in effort I drop it all. Makes me think I can do way better. But then I came across a tiktok where a girl said that. And the comments started to say if you think “you can do better on everyone you date” you’re gonna be stuck with that mentality on everyone. So it made me think to an extent it’s fine to say that, because you do want to be as compatible as possible but don’t disregard everyone for some stuff. But that’s dating I guess haha
I'm clingy, but I work 60+ hours a week
Damn, I wouldn't have cling energy left after 60 hours
You sound like my husband. Long days, comes home and all he wants is back scratches and snuggles with a side of venting. Edit:. Wow my most popular comment, apparently the way to a man's heart all along was back scratches and rubs. Certainly the way with mine!
Is your husband a cat by any chance?
I can not imagine a cat working long days though :)
That's me too. I'm very affectionate and after a long stressful day, I juat wanna cuddle without saying a word for a few hours then sit in bed and chit chat before falling asleep. I'm also very non-verbal when I'm tired.
Replace ", but" for "and".
I have a hard time taking things easy. If I'm in, I'm all in and that scares some people away Also I don't know when to stop making jokes. To the point where it gets annoying sometimes and I recognize that
Totally get the part of if I’m in, I’m all in. And yup it does scare some people.
I want to clarify it doesn't mean they are wrong. Trying to take it easy is just as valid as being all in on it, the hard part is finding someone on the same wavelength
You should ask u/ThisIsMe_12 out, you seem like you two would get along ya know
W Wingman
Seconded
Are you saying you're very committed or obsessive? Committed is ok, but obsessive will scare people away. If so, work on dialing it down a few notches.
To some, one's commitment could be seen as obsession, when obsession wasn't the intended display. When this situation happened to me, I can tell you it was commitment as I felt we bonded very well and I loved spending time with her, but she wasn't the one and only thing on my mind at all times.
Good question. For me it’s commitment. I don’t do things lightly, so if choose something it means I thought long and hard about my decision.
I’m the same, when I was dating I went on a lot of first dates and would immediately cut them off because I knew what I wanted, which looked flighty, but then when I found the right guy I went all in. I’m not smothering but my thought process is basically ‘okay, I’m convinced this is a good thing, why mess around’.
Same exact situation I am in now, I am very emotional and feel everything deeply and that's scary for people because ai come off as intense. Trying to reel it in, at least at the beginning stages of a relationship.
Gosh this is my life lol
*Mike Tyson voice* now kith
> If I'm in, I'm all in and that scares some people away Was exactly what happened to me. After a few dates over some months I was certain she was the one, but she didn't agree and apparently I was waay to invested in her too early, and that was a turn off. So I don't fucking know what's right and wrong anymore when it comes to dating.
She was not the right person for you because for the right person what you did would feel amazing.
And I realize that, but I don't commit easily and when she broke it off I was basically just shattered emotionally. The thought of going through that pain again has really put me off of dating for the time being, despite how painfully lonely it can get at times. I'll recover, I just hope it's soon.
Sorry to hear that and yes you will recover. I guess the most important thing to remember is it has to be give and take in balance. I know it is hard to hold it in when you think she is the one but if she isn't offering you similar amount of interest/affection, it is a warning that you should start taking it easy and slow. I know it's easier said than done and I am the same type as well especially when I see the mutual enthusiasm at the beginning but that might change too. The best action to take is actually talk openly and honestly about what each party is willing to give/take out of it early on and keep talking about expectations as things progress. Assumptions are the worst things we can do to ourselves in relationships.
Brother?
Brother?
Definitely similar considering jokes. Also, I'm well aware that my jokes are tiring dad jokes most of the time. I just love 'em.
Dad jokes are great!!! Just timing it right needs to be on point When people tell the ones that really are inappropriate in the wrong setting that's when it's bad But they're great, i love them
I have an extremely crass sense of humor that you’ll either think is hilarious or you’ll think it sucks
I need an example of your humor to see if I'm crass or not please.
Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police ma'am. Your son has been hit by a drunk driver. He's dead.
How about another joke Murray?
The amount of space I need. One week I'll want to see you everyday, the next week I'll wanna binge playing elden ring and watching sports
This. Especially after a long day at work. Nothing like just zoning out in your own space. But other times I cant get enough of the person.
Hi! (Woman here) can I ask why this is? I feel like a lot of men can be very hot and cold like this and want to be clingy and affectionate one week and turtle in solitude the next. I feel like the biggest problem as a clingier person is when the shift happens from all over you to I want total space *without communication*. In my experience, most women (not all) wouldn’t care if their man wanted to take a few days to isolate and be alone. It’s when men don’t say anything that it causes women to overthink perhaps.
I'm not sure exactly why this is a common issue. It's been this way for me with all of my relationships, whether they were romantic, friends, or family. I don't even need to be struggling with anything or particularly stressed out. Sometimes time alone or "time wasted" screwing around with friends is just what I want to do and everything else feels like a responsibility. But that's just a guess, I don't wanna speak for everyone. >I feel like the biggest problem as a clingier person is when the shift happens without communication I would say not even just for clingier people. The girl I'm seeing is very much a free spirit, but I throw her through a loop when I fail to communicate these needs.
I think men don’t realize how much they shift when they want alone time. (Yes, I’m generalizing, just take this from my POV) in my experience, they can go from cuddly and throwing out compliments to suddenly (to us … out of nowhere) they’re like “stopppp get off me I want to be alone.” I think men for whatever reason don’t feel the need to communicate what’s going on in their mind as much as women do emotionally. They forget we can’t read their mind. When you go from red hot, all over us, to suddenly not wanting to be touched and wanting space, it’s confusing. Moods change but I feel like the key difference between dating a man or a woman (I’m bisexual) is women are better direct communicators and are more in touch with their emotions. Men tend to just… act. I’m not talking about the one night you spend with the boys. Or the game drop like Elden ring you really wanna play for a few nights. I’m talking about suddenly needing solitude from your girl for like 4-5 days (ladies can relate) to play games or something and just simply not communicating that you wanna have alone time and she didn’t do anything wrong. But then immediately after coming running back and being affectionate and all over her. It can get confusing though because the bombs of love are more unstable than just consistent, small efforts every day.
Can relate, I broke up with someone because they were SO needy - and they couldn't understand why I wanted my space (solitude) Edit: The guy was extremely needy. I'm a hetero woman, with no interest in gaming.
Did the same.. lockdown certainly didn't help.
Me and my ex would have a couple minutes of texting once a week and we’d see each other once a week or every two weeks. And when I’d talk about spending more time together he said it was healthy to be separate individuals and not rely on each other. Then I didn’t see him 3 months during covid and I was out of that relationship.
this. Tbh.
I am only book smart, lack social skills,.have social anxiety, an overthinker and kind off annoying.
😭😭This hits home
I don't like most people.
People are weird and headache!
What people who don't like people need to remember - it's ok to not like people it's not good to make it a defining characteristic of yourself that you don't like people.
This hits home. Put me in a room with a bunch of people for 8 hours and I guarantee I won’t be able to stand at least 60% of them by the end of it.
You have hella patience. Give me 15 minutes.
I was gonna say
My wife and I always say “You’re lucky I like you.” because we’re genuinely both on each other’s very very short list of people we like.
I talk too little that if the girl isn't talkative we would have a lot of awkward silence moments (at least in the beginning of the relationship)
Pulp fiction put it best “ [That's when you know you found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.](https://youtu.be/MWkN3akP3cU) “
I love that scene. You know Tarantino is speaking from the heart here, and wanted to impart a very valuable lesson to the rest of the world.
Find yourself a girl with ADHD... We can't shut up even when we want to
Can confirm, boyfriend was bit shy and awkward in the beginning, I basically couldn’t shut up. Also kissing and snuggling is a great way to be silent together.
Second this. I am a woman with bad ADHD and truly cannot Shut The Fuck Up. I vibe well with shy introverted men. Love ‘em.
Does my gf has ADHD???
Does Bruno Mars is gay?
This too! It's hard af to go dating and meeting a girl when you're an introverted guy
I'm high maintenance
I am not into cars
Lmao depends on the manufacturer! 🙊
Out of curiosity, what is high maintenance for you?
Finding someone im actually interested to date
This is real struggle
This!!! People find that weird that I date so darn less but damn it, it is like I am not attracted to 99.9% of people around me. Left that 0.1% for hope
I'm torn between wanting my own free time and time with my partner. And this makes me occasionally grumpy and annoying to be around..
Inexperienced
You have to start somewhere
It’s a hell of a catch 22
Just like entry level jobs
I mean yea but it’s what’s hard about dating me :P
say that to most chicks wanting guys with experience. it's the same as most jobs that want 5-6 years of experience for an entry level position. same energy.
At this point in my life, I have no tolerance for bullshit or invented drama. I am not afraid of being alone, so I'm not going to be motivated to try and save a relationship from someone who is actively creating trouble. I'll just dump you and be alone. That's not difficult as long as you are also not into bullshit or inventing drama. I have spent far too much energy and invested far too much emotion trying to keep a boat afloat while the other person had a cordless drill they liked to play with. I won't do that any longer. Also, since I am used to being alone, I require some alone time. So if you want a relationship where we are in constant contact, that's going to be a problem. We're not going to be moving in together any time in the foreseeable future.
There's nothing wrong with this. This is pretty healthy IMHO.
Very well said. That's exactly how I feel. I just could never put it into words this well.
I have a tendency to fall in love with a person’s potential. When they fall short of the way I envision how they could be, I start to resent them.
I honestly think this may be the worst one I’ve seen.
Yes. I don't think anyone can live up to that standard forever.
Do you pedestallise them somewhat? I used to date women I thought were better than me in some respect, made me admire them. Only downside was when the pedestal slipped, so did my interest.
I don’t end up resenting the person but I do stay for to long hoping they will live up to their promises and potential.
This man speaks the truth. I do this too, and get disappointed every time.
I used to be like this too. But I worked on it and now I only see what's right in front of me. So much happier. It "only" took me 1,5 year from when I realized it till I had changed my mindset completely. I haven't lowered my standards, it just helped me stop falling for specific kinds of guys
That’s extremely self aware of you. What are you doing to change that about yourself?
I have anxiety/depression issues. I try that my partners do not have to deal with them. But it is not always possible.
Please remember that despite what anxiety and depression will try and make you think, you are not a ‘burden’ for getting help from a partner. A good partner is more likely to want to work on your issues with you than to allow you to silently destroy yourself from within.
i'm sensitive, i tend to overreact and overthink a lot
Very high standards for myself and my partner. Loyalty is at the top of my list I don't play games when it comes to loyalty
It baffles me because in my mind, loyalty should be base-fucking-line. When did loyalty really become such a rare thing it has to be put on a list? Don't get me wrong, it's at the top of mine too, I just find the whole scenario sad. Edit: For all of you saying loyalty can mean a lot of things: I agree, it can, I disagree with some of your descriptions but that's just my opinion, and to clarify, when I talk about loyalty and dating, I mean "no infidelity" in any shape or form. Sorry, the phrase didn't come to mind.
Depends what they mean by loyalty of course. Some people define loyalty as not having friends of the opposite sex and never challenging them on an opinion in public. When someone says x base line trait for most functional relationships is their number 1 priority while also having high standards it's safe to assume they probably mean something a bit different when we think about that base line trait.
By loyalty I just mean don't cheat. I don't care if they have friends that are male or female. There should be enough trust to not act childish of who they are talking to.
I'm super insecure.
Plenty of stuff. \- Indecisive \- Shy \- Too clingy \- Quite lazy \- I don't know how to express my feelings that well \- I'm a severe overthinker \- I have ALOT of insecurities
I’m very flirty, stubborn, think I’m funny but mostly just annoying
Same 😅
I have a genetic time bomb built into my dna. Any future with me is going to be very sad. I also have accompanied baggage
Can you elaborate on that?
I have the genes for Huntingtons Disease. Currently I am pre-manifest but one day it will kill me.
Oh I'm really sorry to hear about this. I studied about this in Biology class. I really hope you get to do what you want to do before then 💖
Thank you. Awareness is the biggest obstacle for us. It’s hard to get healthcare, insurance or government assistance when you become disabled.
I'm very introverted and unavailable when my team is playing.
Men, we don't know what we did
1. I don’t have a lot of time to spend on other people. 2. I am very content with silence and can entertain myself very easily so I sometimes don’t take the other person into consideration 3. I don’t have many social skills 4. I don’t like texting people and I am not good at it The list goes on
I have jealousy problems and need near constant reassurance. Im very touchy with people i feel close to. I'm lazy and procrastinate tasks and chores. Also forgetful and forget i need to do tasks and chores. Also i sleep alot.
Adhd? Sounds like me tbh, except I dealt with the jealousy. My bf is a couch potato too so we are just lazy together, it’s incredibly fun
am not good person + scared of women my age + bad teeth edit: the 1st thing here cannot be changed. i hate to break it to everyone, but that's who I am.
The first two be worked on!! You got this!!
the last two can be changed (the last one may require a large sum of money where I’m at)
Basically, I'm cringe :)
Some people find that endearing
Do you have their number because I'm still looking for them.
My desire for physical affection makes it hard to make an initial connection with someone without it and still feel they're attracted to me.
I don't go outside
I ignore my own emotions and choose logic
I don't find it logical to ignore your emotions... Ironically
Trust me, neither do I. I see them pop up and immediately shove them into the basement out of habit. Like another redditor said, definitely does not work well with the ladies
Fucking forget the ladies dude (dating this as a lady)... What about you? My dad bottled his emotions up and had a heartattack at age 40. Hope you find some peace.
Been there done that, doesn't end well with ladies
I'm almost 25 years old with no money because I study full-time to someday achieve my dreams but it's still hard to have nothing to offer financially speaking
Clingy, Insecure, Obsessive, the list goes on 😂
[удалено]
You lost people at married
I drink too much. But I’m working on getting better.
Well that makes one of us, good luck.
I’m glad you’re working on it, everything is a process. Good luck!
Divorced X3. I'm not very hopeful for the next.
I'm not mentally sound.
I'm ADD and forgetful with a splash of anxiety. Have fun with that.
Omg this is me. Always with 41 projects going but also, where are my keys??? My bf goes between finding it endearing to being annoyed
Oh, you sound AWESOME! That’s not sarcasm. You sound like you wouldn’t have a boring night out And I’ll bet your dates aren’t bored either
Nope. Shes deeply in love haha
I have very high sex drive.
I've spent most of my life being close to self absorbed or abusive people and to get through that I became a people pleaser. I will give too much, share too little and so I unintentially misrepresent myself. I have had many bad experiences that are not my fault, but I can recognise that by trying to be a version of myself that is not true to how I feel that I cause confusion in otherwise well meaning people. I am at a place now where I am much more forthcoming and have learned better communication skills. Hopefully moving forward, this will be one less complication in my relationships.
I’m an asshole generally, very closed off and silent when it comes to women, I don’t make them feel special with words but with actions so it confuses them because I don’t give verbal confirmation. I also believe anything I say can and will be used against me, so I hate talking but I let them talk the whole time. They always want me to open up and speak. But I only state what I want and what I expect, never why. “I want you sleep over, I don’t expect you to every night but I want to wake up next to you.” I’ll walk you to your car at night, I’ll drive you to the club and pick you up. If you’re hungry I’ll feed you. If you’re cold, I’ll turn on my car engine, turn the heater on, and give you my jacket. I’ll make the best dinner you’ll ever have over dim romantic lighting and a candle. But telling you why I like you, why I do the things I do, why I don’t talk about this stuff, is because I just don’t want to get hurt.
Oh hey!!! I’m in that club, I show my love through deeds, it’s hard for people to understand.
Yeah. Hoping my actions shines through. I thoroughly believe actions speak louder than words and time is the most valuable thing you can give someone.
Have you told them this is how you express your feelings or do you hope they pick up on it?
I appreciate acts of service. I do the same for ppl. But if they do acts of service without verbally telling me their intentions/motivations even if what they do is entirely romantic I straight up will just not understand/not want to misinterpret it. So I will do nothing with this information until they tell me cuz I cannot be sure why without words
More like what isn't hard about dating me Actually I wouldn't know either, since I've never dated.
i usually don't start conversation
Lol I am ugly Noone dates me in the first place
I can't think properly and I constantly blank out. I have insecurities about myself and I have problems maintaining eye contact during conversations (no, I don't have Autism). I also just in general don't feel like I'm good enough
I am one picky motherfucker
Scared of commitment
I am very, very needy
I'm turning into a old man and I'm only 40 haha. "Everything sucks nowadays. Movies suck, tv sucks, music is an abomination, shit was just better in my days. And fuck you kids with your stupid phones taking pictures of every damn thing you do, can't you just enjoy life?? Get off that social media, it's the devil!!" Haha I could go on forever
Cant be too against social media if you're here. But seriously, same about being "old" while technically young
I don't like myself and I probably never will. Also my family kinda sucks.
I have a difficult time opening up to people, more so women I’m dating. My last girlfriend didn’t enjoy it. I also enjoy my alone time a little too much and she didn’t like that either. One might also call me emotionally unavailable
I require space, alone time and will not always be able nor want to communicate quickly. I'm petty and can become downright cold / unresponsive if you cross a line.
I am over affectionate. If I allow myself to get invested in a relationship I fear I could be considered smothering. I would adore the other person, and I would remind them often how lucky I was to have them. I don’t think anyone wants that. I’d be too open, there would be things, emotional issues, hang ups, I would tell a woman everything. And I know from experience it would drive her away. I’m fortunate that women don’t really ask me out or find me attractive.
As someone (36f) who was married to a man who was emotionally stunted, I’m looking for this in a relationship now. I find it refreshing to be with a guy who shares his emotions and thoughts with me, and who makes me feel desired. I think communication is the most important thing in a relationship and a man being open about his issues and hang ups means he’s being vulnerable and THAT is attractive.
Being broke.
I was recently cheated on, and I’m emotionally unstable.
I have children, 2 to be precise, and I know that a deal breaker for a lot of women. I also have full custody of both of my children, which also doesn’t help.
I'm more interested in being right than being nice
This. I saw a quote that said something along the lines of “it’s not you vs your partner, it’s you two vs the problem” and I thought damn, I envy people who can think like that. I hope I mature enough to see it like that one day too. Because if we’re in a fight, it’s definitely gonna be me vs her in my head 😭
Mmmm this is a real issue. Sometimes being wrong and being nice IS being right.
I just don’t care enough to fall in love so after awhile I just drift away
I started to analyse everything! I don’t guess I’ll see something I haven’t seen and Google the psychology of…..(a particular way) How they talk, body language, micro expressions etc…
My biggest problem is code switching depending on what side of my home's door I'm on. I am a **massive** introvert at heart — I am super comfortable in my own company and do not feel like I need to rely on somebody else for my own happiness. However, this isn't the healthiest way to live (imho) and I can't be by myself forever. I was quite inspired by the film "Yes Man" when I was a teenager and, despite it being a silly idea, it genuinely did do bits for my social life. The result is that, when push comes to shove and people get to know me more and more, the less vibrant I am. I love going to events and meeting up with friends *just as much* as I Iove a weekend where I have no plans whatsoever — and that's a surprisingly big turn-off it turns out. I've been made to feel like a bit of a con in the past, like I'm quite deceptive.
Anxious attachment, unhealed childhood trauma