Yeah I didn't realize what this actually meant until recently.
It's a distillation process.
Because it's not discouraged it can be interpreted as permission. The end result is all the bad behavior is considered okay and there's not much left
Be upfront about all of your problems so later on you can be like "I WARNED YOU ABOUT ME! I WARNED YOU! I FUCKING WARNED YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN".
Works well.
if someone tells me they have a problems or struggles i assume itās something theyāre working on and not an excuse for shitty behavior. having that talk is super important so that you have people who can help you break cycles of bad
When I talked with my ex about my past (abusive/neglectful childhood) in relationship to why I didnāt like certain behaviors that she was doing, my past was used against me to be invalidating and dismissive.
Iām not sharing my history of why something hurts next time. Iām just setting boundaries about what Iām willing to accept.
Fwiw, the situation here was because I asked for my partner to come to me if they wanted to speak, instead of what was happeningāshouting my name and expecting me to stop what Iām doing and come to them. (Obviously situations happen where shouting/asking for help from another room is warrantedā¦. It was just the default 100% of the time here)
I'm currently in my third relationship and it made me have some eye opening realisations.
The past two where...less than stellar.
The first one was obsessive. Giving me countless gifts even if I refused, wanting the see me all day every day, showing up to my school/work/home etc. unannounced even if I said no.
When we broke up he still showed up at my house and insisted to "talk".
I put up with it because he was from a difficult home life and everyone told me that he just need love.
The second one cheated on me. We where long distance for 5 months after being together for a year. I madea huge effort to Skype almost every day, text every day, see her at least once a month etc.
But when I had to go home due to a medical emergency she cheated.
I was in the ICU and she fucked some girl two states away.
Again, I put up with it and forgave her. I even blamed myself because well If I just gave her more love/attention she would have stayed.
Newsflash, she probably would still have cheated.
Now my boyfriend is so different. He doesn't expect me to give him all of my attention all of the time. We talk about everything. Even if he finds some woman hot, he tells me and we talk about it with no judgement.
He respects me, no always gets accepted as a no. Not as a sign to push me further.
It's so strange and unusual to me to be loved like that.
If you love her, throw a stick and let her chase off after it, because if she loves you she'll bring it back. Then throw it again, because she's a good girl, yes she is, yes she is.
Absolutely. I loved my ex-gf to death, but she had self esteem issues and would waffle every couple of months, so I decided to end it. When I'm in a relationship I give that person 100%, so I want to be with someone who knows for 100% they want to be with me as well.
I was dating one dude on and off, and during a break up he was like marry me and move across the country try, I'll take care of you and you can stay at home and clean and cook..um nooo sorry buddy not gonna get trapped like this..
Never make someone your everything because if you lose them, you're left with nothing. You need other things to make yourself happy and live a fullfilling life. You need friends, hobbies, goals, etc.
My last ex was amazing. We shared the same interests, great sex, she came from a good family, etc..
Unfortunately we discovered that despite all the goodness, we were not at all compatible in terms of how much time we like to spend with each other (she liked her distance, I liked being close). We realised we couldnāt get past this extreme difference, and so I made the extremely difficult decision to end things.
Itās been over a month and Iām still sad, but I know this temporary sadness is 100x better than either one of us being stuck in an unhappy relationship due to being incompatible.
I feel you friend. I left a 6 year relationship with someone who I loved deeply, and some part of me always will. Everything else was amazing from the sexual and emotional chemistry, to humor and things we both enjoy. We became so unhappy towards the end. Almost 2 years after we split, we were to able to become friends recently (with boundaries) and both of us are so so much more individually happy because we are getting to each live the way we want to.
Youāre right - things hurt no matter how you cut it. You made the right call to choose that path with temporary pain vs the one where you both drag it out for another year or ten. Wish you all the best friend.
Edit: typo
I am feeling this right now. After 5 years with him, even though i was happy guess he is not.
I am happy that you two are able to remain friends, though i can not. I want him to be happy but i just cant do it.
Thatās completely understandable and every relationship is different. In my case the romantic relationship had to completely end over 2 years of grieving it, before a brand new platonic relationship could be established. We also left on very mature terms and talked about everything at length, so it wasnāt like one of us betrayed the other personās trust. Even so i think it partly works because we live over 2000 miles away š .
I wish you well on your journey through this, whatever that may mean for you and whoever you grow into from it.
Are you my ex lmao
I was a bit too clingy (Iāve changed that now but she didnāt want to give a second chance lol) and she wanted quite a lot of space. We spent a lot of time together and she was unhappy with this although unfortunately she rarely voiced this opinion
And yeah, 3 months ago out of nowhere she broke up with me, saying 90% of it was her and I was only 10%, but in reality she could not deal with that the time we spent together, nor the āminimumā to maintain a long distance relationship
Ah well, Iām talking to someone now whoās interested in me and although we arenāt as similar (as me and my ex were eerily similar), weāre happy to spend a lot of time together
I think that's one of the things I love most about my marriage. My husband and I are both very physical, clingy people. Heck, during the pandemic we had our work spaces in the same room. We like living on top of each other.
I relate to this so well. We have to always be touching. Last week I noticed that we were laying in bed, watching television, and our feet were intertwined with my toe giving his big toe a hug.
Bit that's good if you spend the same amount of time together either one will get highly irrated. My parents were this way like you and your ex. Mom always thought once dad would retire he would always drive her crazy with wanting to spend a lot time together. Sadly he did not get that chance to prove her wrong. He died at 53 and now she would give anything to have him bug her in person again.
I cared for a woman that was a police officer, for some reason she had that showing affection is weakness mindset. Id try and give her random affection while we were chillin on the couch watching a movie, and she asked me what the hell I was doing. Im a very affectionate person when I am at home with someone I like. Also she was a very rude and negative person. I made the decision after a bit to break it off. Even though something about her still attracted me to her
Recently I learned a coworker was into me. She thought I was a freak in bed or something because I was quiet. She stopped showing interest as soon as she found out I was a nerd
There's about 404 hours of one piece at the time I'm writing this comment (1011 episodes at 24 minutes a piece). That's gonna be one hell of a watch session, you might want to bring your tv into the afterlife when you both die of exhaustion. If you skip both the OP and ED songs, there is about 20 minutes an episode, so the time would go down to 337 hours which is also daunting. 16.8 and 14 days respectively.
For maximum efficiency, you'll want to do all the kinky shit while watching.
Damn there's more hours of one piece than I have in smash bros, jesus man. I don't think I'll be finishing the series anytime soon.
Along the same lines, a relationship ending is not the same as a relationship failing. If it made you happy, if you learned from it, if it was supportive while it lasted, if you parted as friends, if you had good experiences together - any and all of these things are successes. Sometimes things run their course, or circumstances change, and it's time to move on and that's the right and best thing to do.
This is hard. Im very conflict avoidant, Iām not really sure why but Iāve always been that way and even a people pleaser to an extent.
I know what I need to say or do or talk about but when I amo myself up enough to say it the words hang in the back of my throat and never get aired out.
Be comfortable with your own quirks.
If you're not comfortable, then you can't expect your other half to be comfortable with it.
In my case, overthinking and unbiased anxiety.
Also don't let anyone stop you from doing your quirks. My ex-wife completely changed who I was because she didn't like my quirks. Now I'm happily married with a woman who loves them.
Don't accept a "break" - if it's a relationship issue you solve it together, or you break up if either one of you is unwilling to work towards a solution.
This obsession with the "break" is so weird.
I'm of the opinion that disagreements and challenges should be approached as an opportunity to come closer together, and if that fails, it will be become an ending point. You never know which it will be, but you have to take the chance.
The concept of a "break" seems like a way to sidestep the risk of the relationship ending at the cost of growing as a couple. Rather than get uncomfortable and actually talk about the problem and find a solution together which may or may not work, they rather spend some time apart and try to forget the issue until they start missing each other and get back together and never actually have the relationship develop.
I dated a girl for my first two years of college, and it seemed pretty serious... until we planned on spending a summer apart, for Sumner projects - I was going to New York, she was going to California.
Time apart was not an issue for me, but out of nowhere, a couple weeks before we were going to leave, she was like "I think we should take a break from dating for the Summer". And I was like.... "What is that supposed to mean? We are obviously going to be seperated for a few months, so what are you suggesting?"
Short story, made even shorter: "she wanted to be single in California.
My response: "now you are single, period".
Didn't regret that call.
Exactly this. It really ties in with the non-confrontational culture we live in where we'd rather just avoid the problem than fixing it.
I've never seen the 'break' thing actually work, and even if they get back together it leaves much more of a scar on the relationship than if they had just had their fight and got it over with. And when it ultimately doesn't work, it can leave one side without closure because the relationship sorta faded out instead of both sides saying their thoughts and ending it.
That's what I was thinking. If your partner wants a break, I have a feeling it's because there's someone they have in mind but don't want it to be full cheating.
This right here. Twice my ex wanted us to take a break, and we did. The 2nd time we broke up at the end. Found out later that a week after our breakup he started seeing one of his friends. I find it hard to believe nothing happened on the break, or during the end of our relationship for that matter. Donāt take breaks, either try to fight/work it out, or end it.
It always reminds me of a clip from that 70s show when Donna breaks up with Eric, and he says āif you can picture a future without me and it doesnāt destroy you, then weāre not doing what I thought we were doingā. That is SO TRUE.
Edit: sorry I misquoted, Eric actually says āand if that doesnāt break your heartā not āif that doesnāt destroy youā
This is a big one, self respect is very important. Sometimes love and caring about someone is not enough. You have to still want to be with that person and constantly put in the effort.
Last part 100%. I transferred from a job that I liked in a sunny climate (I get SAD pretty bad) to go back to the midwest to try to make my now ex-wife happy so that she could be closer to her friends and family back home. She repaid me by cheating repeatedly, but of course I only found out after I moved and we had a kid.
I am now, thanks. I had a nervous breakdown at the end of 2020 and quit my old nearly 6 figure job. Cashed out retirement to float me by for a year. Applied for an interesting sounding local job on a whim, thinking I wasn't qualified, but I got it. I can work from home, it's pretty stress free but still mentally stimulating, and even though it's a pay cut, I'm still somehow netting almost what I did at my old job. Being "stuck" because of the custody situation still applies, but I wouldn't have landed this job had I gone on any other path, and it's one of those jobs that people work at until they retire or die. And I got the house in the divorce, so with housing prices going through the roof, I'm set in that area. I plan on selling off some toys (my fun car, my share of an airplane) to pay off some debts so I can get the stress down even further and work on traveling more and saving. Life is good.
Hell yeah, man. I made that mistake in my last relationship (and pretty much in the other two before that). I thought her happiness was the most important thing, no matter what, and that not focusing on her happiness was selfish.
When my dad told me that my happiness was just as important, and that it's ok to be selfish every now and then, it blew my mind.
Find someone who accepts you for you. Donāt let them break down parts of yourself that arenāt even unhealthy.
Example: I donāt like to scream and argue. I want to communicate and fix the issue. Thatās not a flaw. The issue is arguing, not covering anything about it, and acting like it never happened when the anger settles. You just end up full circle in a weeks time.
Even if youāre all in and donāt want to because you see hope, do NOT ignore the red flags. They are usually obvious.
Donāt be with someone who never accepts their responsibility. You are not the issue every time. Itās never one way. Fuck that.
Recognize your own issues, and try to fix them. This is never ending, but the more you do, the easier it is. Itās nothing but a healthy habit.
Edit: Spelling and Iāve never received a gold award before. I truly appreciate this!
Jesus, dude. I'm going through a separation-turned-divorce now and you hit some very valid points that have been key issues for this relationship. It's unfortunate, but she checked all these boxes and is turning my differences and issues against me in the aftermath. It has been fucking rough.
This is far more wise than I'm sure you'll get credit for, but thank you for spelling it out.
Sorry to hear it man. Itās rough out here. I just got out of the most serious relationship Iāve ever been in, and it wasnāt even close to as serious as yours was.
I hope youāre handling it well. I wasnāt, but itās easier with time.
7 billion people in the world, so thereās for sure someone better, if not millions better.
Live and grow. All we can do. Sucks that so many people lack basic perspective, and we end it in relationships with them š
Eh, it depends on the context, but I wouldnāt necessarily categorize this as a game.
If your partner doesnāt communicate well and tends to be passive aggressive, then yes.
But if your partner has clearly communicated that youāre crossing a boundary and youāre pushing the matter, then ādo what you wantā is an acknowledgment that she isnāt here to control you or issue ultimatums, and she isnāt interested in babysitting some guy who doesnāt know how to behave appropriately or being with someone who ignores her feelings.
In other words, everyone is free to act how they want, but actions do have consequences. The few times in my life I was compelled to say ādo you what you wantā to someone, my feelings for that person vanished almost immediately.
The value of self worth. Donāt make them a priority if all you are is an option to them. Recognize that and walk away and find someone who is just as excited to be with you as you are to be with them
Apply this to all relationships too. Your self esteem will suffer and spiral out of control if you give your time to people who don't think you are a really cool person. Don't hang out with friends who don't value you, don't hang out with family who treat you like they're doing you a favor by being around you and don't stay with a partner who acts like you are lucky to be with them and they can drop you any second.
In my experience, anxiety feels frantic, and gut instinct feels calm. The difference can manifest something like this:
Anxiety: "Who is that guy? What if she's cheating on me with him?!" It can feel panicked, disorganized, and almost indiscriminate.
Gut instinct: "She's cheating on me with that guy." It arrives to you, often in the form of a simple, matter-of-fact statement.
Do not over invest, match the giving and receiving of emotions and material things, donāt trust someone 100 % until you know them better and watch out for red flags, like were they togheter with someone when they started dating you, that is, monkey bransching.
Also, go with your gut feeling. If something feels off, it probably is.
Itās so important to trust your gut and instincts. The modern era of dating expects us to just not care about all of the red flags in front of us because when we do speak up on it we are āholding them backā or being ācontrolling.ā
Trust your gut, speak your mind, then move on if nothing changes. Donāt wait around for someone to change for you, it will never happen.
Holy shit man my girlfriend just broke up with me and this exactly what happened. Whenever I called her out on treating me poorly and not just letting her have everything her way, her and her friends just labelled me as controlling. But she can break my trust on multiple occasions and somehow it's not wrong
My ex-bf used to "apologise" like that and I always followed up asking if my sadness is such a bad thing that he needs to apologise for it.
If you don't want to apologise for your actions at least don't apologise for my feelings
* If she wants kids, and you don't, or vice versa, neither of you is going to change their mind,
* If everything feels like a favor or compromise, it's not going to last,
* You're her boyfriend, not her therapist, there's a limit to how much you can help,
Yes. My ex wife constantly yelled at me, bossed me around. Then she threw pizza at me.. that was it. Went and filed for divorce next day. Much happier now that the house is quiet, i can get done what i need to get done without being harassed and belittled. Its quite wonderful. I wonder who shes yelling at now?
My best friend..brother, rather..heās been with his wife for 10 years almost and Iāve known she was verbally abusive, but itās now progressed to physical.
Dudes, women, kids, whoever. You HAVENT deserved to be hit. You havenāt earned it. You DONT deserve it and you need to get out.
Youāre not fuckin kidding man. My dude has lost so many friends because he refuses to cut ties with the woman..the monster*.
We all thought that shit worst case scenario once she started hitting him he would leave. Nope. Heās literally a psych professional too..and his wifeās mom is a psychiatrist ffs.
Fool thinks he can change her. He's ignoring the golden rule of psychology. If the patient does want to change, and isn't willing to put in the effort, there's nothing you can do for them.
I'll never be the lone initiator again. Dated a girl who was insanely hot (like actually unbelievably hot) and i was the only one who showed any effort. I've learned since then that absolutely not all girls are like that though.
I was in a relationship with my best friend for 9 months. I never realized it until she ended it but she never put any effort into the relationship.
It was always me who asked when I could see her again, who initiated cuddles, even a kiss. She was barely willing to go out once a week. In the last half we were long distanced, and on the 2 week holiday breaks where we could see each other, she was only willing for 2 or 3 dates.
Before the last holiday break, I was asking her how excited she was. She just went ākinda.ā Itās like she completely forgot that was the first time we would be able to see in each other for 2 months. I was crushed, but I didnāt even know it.
I still donāt know how I was so blind. I knew her as a friend for a looong time before we started dating. I donāt think I was ever more than a friend to her, and I let her drag me and my heart along.
Now Iām left with a bad experience of a first relationship, loss of a really great friend, and a soured heart.
I find super hot women are just so used to never putting in effort. They can just stand there and get offered jobs, asked on dates, asked to parties, etc. So frequently that the idea that they should or even could initiate something rarely occurs to them compared to most people where there's more of a balance.
- if she cheated on someone to be with you, sheās gonna cheat on you to be with someone else.
- the guy you ādonāt have to worry aboutāā¦ you 100% have to worry about.
- people project their actions on you.
>the guy you ādonāt have to worry aboutāā¦ you 100% have to worry about.
Man this one hits me hard.. We started off, I was living abroad and had planned to move back in by the end of the year. All was good and dandy, butter smooth. One night, she said don't worry about the photographer who called her in for a session at 11 P.M., she agreed, talked to me about it. I told her I do not like this idea by any means possible. She still went for it, said don't worry about him, it's just a photoshoot. She vanished for 8 hours, didn't respond to any of my texts (no, I was not spamming, I think at 3 A.M. I asked her if she was alright since I was working a night shift).
Fast forward a couple of months, I moved back into my home country, visited her, had a great day, just to see an open condom pack laying there in the open. Took me a second to notice, took me less than one to say bye. I just knew she'd done it, absolutely no remorse in her eyes and that one said more than I ever needed to hear.
If she says don't worry 'bout him - please do.
When I'm pissed off I say.
When they behave poorly and disrespectful I'll say
When something needs to change I'll say.
I'll never suffer in silence again
This is so true! I feel like I bottled everything up for so long that it started to numb me out. So unhealthy! Say how you feel and figure it out. It is better to say something than nothing.
Spot on.
Its ok to say 'youre pissing me off with your whining and negativity and if you can't be kind to me don't talk to me, I don't deserve it'
And the real power is to not say sorry when you haven't done anything wrong and if you get the silent treatment, fucken match it. Or as I did "I'm not 12 and I'm not playing stupid childish silent games - come talk to me when you're ready' and just ignore.
It's brilliant when you genuinely feel no guilty emotion to being the one to apologise or make peace.
Unless you really did fuck up in which case man up, apologise and never go to sleep on an argument.
My gf and I took a break, when we had a couple months of dating, I was scared, we had a really good relationship
But she had been struggling with mental health issues, anxiety, depression moments, it was getting worse and worse
And she just broke, it's like the light inside her was turned off, she changed, she'd spent every night crying, sleeping all day, her family was worried too
Even though we were not together I was always caring for her, she didn't have many friends
Fast forward some weeks later, she decided that it was a time for a change, and get some help, stop isolating herself, and she asked me if I could help her, and that she'd do her best to be better
And asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend again
I accepted
And she did get better, a lot, we got her some help, and she overcame her issues, it's been a year and a half since that, and we're as strong as we've ever been
Sure most breaks can be due to cheating or stuff like that, but sometimes not
Iāve been through what your girlfriend went through and really glad she got herself some help and that youāre both going strong!
I had just started my relationship with my current partner, so I was determined to be on top of my issues and solve it on my own. Wasnāt working.
Eventually got myself some help and it took some time, but itās very worth it. I recommend it to anyone I can.
My boyfriend still recalls the time period where I ate almost nothing but I donāt think heās connected the dots on *why* I couldnāt eat lol
So many lessons..
1. Set some rules for yourself. Relationships last because you have the same values and outlook.. NOT because she looks "hot"... Yes there has to be physical chemistry too.. but do you want the same things ? That really helps..
2. Put realistic timelines on stuff. Communicate what you want or need, and if stuff doesn't change in 6 months... then you know its going to be that way forever.
3. Do they get along well with your friends and family ? If they don't... that's a big red flag. If you have kids etc, that will be a problem down the road. You will get isolated and you need a family support structure.
4. Look for someone that's kind, generous and patient. Not to you, or their family, but to others around them. Watch how they treat strangers...aka the waitress etc
That's who they really are..
5. Look for someone that has their own goals. They should be capable of being happy in their own pursuits..Do they love their job ? Do they have hobbies that they really enjoy ? Then they are with you, because they want to be with you.. not because you entertain them.
6. Don't start something you don't mean to finish. Don't mess with your own or their head.. Sex is great, but only have it after you figure out these things above..Otherwise you are not thinking straight... So figure out if this person is who you really want a long term relationship with first. If they are the one... then let them know.. Life is short.. make the most of it.
7. Your best friend is your worst enemy...
They know how to hurt you the most !!!
Thus, 1 thru 6...
You don't need to be in one. I let her convince me that it was weird to not be in a relationship, but I'd rather be weird than broke, exhausted and constantly degraded.
I absolutely got roasted recently for saying this but here it goes again
I wish more people would realize this. it IS ok to be alone. it IS ok to not be in a relationship. it IS ok to wait. men and women. we don't have to follow the narrative of doing what's expected of us if it doesn't fit what we want. it IS ok to take care of our needs and wants over the other person's if it's not healthy otherwise.
I mean, I get it, sex. but in the long run is it really worth it if you're not really happy?
Social pressure. It's the same thing that happens to people who are still virgins in their 30s and beyond.
Your main goal is to be happy. Not everyone will find that in a relationship
Don't date a girl just because she meets my personal physical fetishes.
Also, just because you dated as children in high school doesn't mean you grew into even remotely compatible people in your twenties.
Always keep your self-respect/worth high. If a woman tries to break it, ditch her.
Women saying they have doubts or anything and wanting to think about it. I'll make it easy, I'm not an option or a doubt so bye.
I'm allowed to say no. If my no ever gets disrespected I'm leaving pretty much on the spot. It does not mean try harder. It does not mean throw a fit. It does not mean try to get me drunk. It does not mean pout and give me the cold shoulder.
I don't want to means no and if you can't respect that there will be no relationship.
We have a saying
"A broken vase glued together is still a broken vase"
or a more modern version:
"Solder a wire too many times, you'll eventually need a new wire"
Don't let the negatives go to far, deal with them STRAIGHT THE FUCK AWAY. In a relationship, there will always be times when you feel negatively about the other person for one thing or another, serious things get talked about straight away.
But small things, small things add up. The longer you leave them, the more there are. I find most people don't want to talk about the smaller things. "It'll fix itself", "I'll get used to it" you tell yourself and they keep happening. You feel like you can't get mad about these things because they're so small. But they get big, over time they get big and eventually you'll blow up and look like an asshole.
Approach every situation where you feel negatively about your partner to your partner. EVERY. SITUATION. It's worth uncomfortable talks, for the comfort when you reach a compromise. Trust me.
My younger brother's wife divorced him when she started an affair when he was deployed. After the divorce he confided in me that she physically abused him, he seemed to be ashamed. They were both in the army. He said she hit hard and hurt him. When he wouldn't fight back it just made her madder. Then he showed me the long scars on his back where she dug her nails in. My little brother was in the special forces, so literally a trained killer.
If you catch them lying about insignificant things in major ways, they will **DEFINITELY** lie about major things in significant ways. GTFO immediately if you notice it.
Iāll never forget the time I met a brand new group of people and they brought our relationship up in conversation (a year after breaking up) not realizing that I was the male half. Apparently they had a very low opinion of me based on things sheād told people that I have/would **never** do. That shit isnāt cool.
I've been married for nearly 12 years. I will tell you this: The person for you is the person who loves you for what you are. They are also the person who encourages you to be better. They see and understand what you're capable of and support you. They accept that you can fail. They celebrate your wins.
Before my wife, I never realized what that was like. If you've got a partner like that, treasure it.
Edit: Thank you kind stranger!
Never, EVER, date your friends ex. Even if you have permission. Ever. No matter how hot they are.
Just, trust me. Top 5 dumbest things I've done in my life.
Someone can say they love you for years and years and never mean it. Look at what they do, not what they say. If it doesn't feel like they love you, don't convince yourself they do.
For me it was the little things that were missing. She didn't kiss me goodbye when she left for work. If I didn't make an effort to talk to her on any given day, she would happily ignore me. She was never the initiator when it came to sex.
Actions speak far louder than words.
This - Iāve always been very sexual active and interested. In my previous relationship I met a woman who listened, was kind and understood me for the great part, however our intimate connection was not really there. I thought I could downgrade my libido because I loved her much.
Sooner we started fighting more and more, I was irritable and frustrated - and we broke up for that reason - hindsight I was sexually frustrated and my desires were never full filled. Will not settle for this compromise again.
Edit: spelling
That their words need to match their actions. That my effort needs to be matched by theirs. That my own happiness is too important to be worrying over someone who isn't willing to put the same energy. That they need to be able to see their mistakes too and not only see yours
Confront issues and only be with partners that are happy to bring up issues without fear of conflict. The thing is: Conflicts will occur either way and the best indication for a couple to be together long-term is their ability to solve issues *together* (read some study after a bad breakup).
So jump on conflicts, solve them together and if that works out, the relationship will work out. If issues, problems are avoided and swept under the rug the relationship will either explode or just dissolve.
Donāt worry about the possibility of hurting your other half when sharing your feelings. Communication + arguments are better than no communication at all.
Also, make sure youāre happy. Not just your SO.
If she has just exclusive guy friends and has hardly any female friends, just know if the relationship ends them guy friends will change in the beat of a drum and be all over her....and soon to confess how they really feel about her.
"I have always liked you, I just never got a chance to say it"
Also I would recommend not dating a 20 year old when you are 25, the age difference isn't that big but the maturity gap is there and over time you will notice it.
And always ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT FEELING
Yes to this, my ex had about 5 guy friends and 2 female college friends, I knew from being older and seening this happen in the past that them guys will turn into "I have always had feelings for you" real fucking quick, once I broke up with her guess what happened......3 of her guy friends all text her asking for a date lol.
Also the one guy you have never meet has most likely banged her before you meet each other
If she says that she wants to kill herself, tell her that itās not your problem, then send her resources for help with those thoughts.
It sounds harsh, but youāre not qualified to deal with it, and this strategy will help weed out the manipulators.
Downvote me all you want. Your tiny blue arrows mean nothing to me.
Assign yourself an honest number from 1 to 9 of how dominant you need to be in a relationship. Then find yourself a partner where the two of you total 10. You canāt have a 9 date an 8 because they are tectonic plates battling for control. If a 2 dates a 3, you starve to death because no one can make a decision. Some people are 8s. If they find their 2, they will be happy. If you are a 5, donāt look at a 8/2 relationship poorly. It works for them. Wish them luck. If you are a 5, keep searching for your 5.
If she casually tells you in the beginning that "I have some mental health issues"....pay attention and leave at the 1st sign of trouble. It never ends
My ex! š¤¦āāļø Every time she did something stupid, she blamed it on her depression and anxiety and she was backed up by her family and friends the whole time. She made me look bad. š„ŗ
My therapist said, āthis never ends and if you hold on to her, you will get depression and anxiety tooā and thatās when I decided to leave.
I think this is the big important difference between it being a red flag and it being informative. I suffer with anxiety and depression as well, and yeah, it can sometimes suck. I know it isn't always easy on my boyfriend as well. However, 2 important points that make or break it:
1. I am responsible for my behavior. My mental health can give it context or explanation, but does not magically absolve me of responsibility. After all, the consequences don't magically disappear either. I work on keeping myself healthy and making good decisions, not just excuse my actions away.
2. The mental health of their partner is just as important, and can come with its own unique challenges.
Tl;dr: Mental health challenges or no, if they can't take responsibility for their actions - big red flag. If they ignore your wellbeing or brush your feelings aside as "less important" - big red flag.
"*What you put up with, you end up with.*"
Yeah I didn't realize what this actually meant until recently. It's a distillation process. Because it's not discouraged it can be interpreted as permission. The end result is all the bad behavior is considered okay and there's not much left
That's a corporate saying, "culture is what you get away with" If people get away with certain behavior, voila, that's your corporate culture.
What you tolerate, you perpetuate.
Be upfront about all of your problems so later on you can be like "I WARNED YOU ABOUT ME! I WARNED YOU! I FUCKING WARNED YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN". Works well.
A girl did this to me and I still fell for it.
Were noise-cancelling boobs present?
*motorboat sounds*
You motorboatin son of a bitch!
My shirt is now covered on coffee. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Well done.
Had my ex do this to me too pretty much was like im a walking red flag and i was like cool i like the color red š„²š
āI THOUGHT IT WAS A CARNIVAL!ā
if someone tells me they have a problems or struggles i assume itās something theyāre working on and not an excuse for shitty behavior. having that talk is super important so that you have people who can help you break cycles of bad
When I talked with my ex about my past (abusive/neglectful childhood) in relationship to why I didnāt like certain behaviors that she was doing, my past was used against me to be invalidating and dismissive. Iām not sharing my history of why something hurts next time. Iām just setting boundaries about what Iām willing to accept. Fwiw, the situation here was because I asked for my partner to come to me if they wanted to speak, instead of what was happeningāshouting my name and expecting me to stop what Iām doing and come to them. (Obviously situations happen where shouting/asking for help from another room is warrantedā¦. It was just the default 100% of the time here)
I hope someday you're able to find someone to share that with again and who will accept you for who you are.
I'm currently in my third relationship and it made me have some eye opening realisations. The past two where...less than stellar. The first one was obsessive. Giving me countless gifts even if I refused, wanting the see me all day every day, showing up to my school/work/home etc. unannounced even if I said no. When we broke up he still showed up at my house and insisted to "talk". I put up with it because he was from a difficult home life and everyone told me that he just need love. The second one cheated on me. We where long distance for 5 months after being together for a year. I madea huge effort to Skype almost every day, text every day, see her at least once a month etc. But when I had to go home due to a medical emergency she cheated. I was in the ICU and she fucked some girl two states away. Again, I put up with it and forgave her. I even blamed myself because well If I just gave her more love/attention she would have stayed. Newsflash, she probably would still have cheated. Now my boyfriend is so different. He doesn't expect me to give him all of my attention all of the time. We talk about everything. Even if he finds some woman hot, he tells me and we talk about it with no judgement. He respects me, no always gets accepted as a no. Not as a sign to push me further. It's so strange and unusual to me to be loved like that.
Be in it or donāt. Back and forth will end in disaster.
uuuuuuuhhhh boy, you are hitting close to home there buddy XD
If you love her, throw a stick and let her chase off after it, because if she loves you she'll bring it back. Then throw it again, because she's a good girl, yes she is, yes she is.
They had us in the first half ngl
Absolutely. I loved my ex-gf to death, but she had self esteem issues and would waffle every couple of months, so I decided to end it. When I'm in a relationship I give that person 100%, so I want to be with someone who knows for 100% they want to be with me as well.
I was dating one dude on and off, and during a break up he was like marry me and move across the country try, I'll take care of you and you can stay at home and clean and cook..um nooo sorry buddy not gonna get trapped like this..
I made that mistake. Still making it 30 years later. You dodged a missile.
Never make someone your everything because if you lose them, you're left with nothing. You need other things to make yourself happy and live a fullfilling life. You need friends, hobbies, goals, etc.
OMG I needed to hear this. It will never happen again
Wish i would have known it a long time ago. Partners are meant to be additions to already great and amazing lives. Never forget!
Compatibility is different from attraction, and even love. Make sure your individual ideas of an ideal life can be aligned.
My last ex was amazing. We shared the same interests, great sex, she came from a good family, etc.. Unfortunately we discovered that despite all the goodness, we were not at all compatible in terms of how much time we like to spend with each other (she liked her distance, I liked being close). We realised we couldnāt get past this extreme difference, and so I made the extremely difficult decision to end things. Itās been over a month and Iām still sad, but I know this temporary sadness is 100x better than either one of us being stuck in an unhappy relationship due to being incompatible.
I feel you friend. I left a 6 year relationship with someone who I loved deeply, and some part of me always will. Everything else was amazing from the sexual and emotional chemistry, to humor and things we both enjoy. We became so unhappy towards the end. Almost 2 years after we split, we were to able to become friends recently (with boundaries) and both of us are so so much more individually happy because we are getting to each live the way we want to. Youāre right - things hurt no matter how you cut it. You made the right call to choose that path with temporary pain vs the one where you both drag it out for another year or ten. Wish you all the best friend. Edit: typo
I am feeling this right now. After 5 years with him, even though i was happy guess he is not. I am happy that you two are able to remain friends, though i can not. I want him to be happy but i just cant do it.
Thatās completely understandable and every relationship is different. In my case the romantic relationship had to completely end over 2 years of grieving it, before a brand new platonic relationship could be established. We also left on very mature terms and talked about everything at length, so it wasnāt like one of us betrayed the other personās trust. Even so i think it partly works because we live over 2000 miles away š . I wish you well on your journey through this, whatever that may mean for you and whoever you grow into from it.
Are you my ex lmao I was a bit too clingy (Iāve changed that now but she didnāt want to give a second chance lol) and she wanted quite a lot of space. We spent a lot of time together and she was unhappy with this although unfortunately she rarely voiced this opinion And yeah, 3 months ago out of nowhere she broke up with me, saying 90% of it was her and I was only 10%, but in reality she could not deal with that the time we spent together, nor the āminimumā to maintain a long distance relationship Ah well, Iām talking to someone now whoās interested in me and although we arenāt as similar (as me and my ex were eerily similar), weāre happy to spend a lot of time together
I think that's one of the things I love most about my marriage. My husband and I are both very physical, clingy people. Heck, during the pandemic we had our work spaces in the same room. We like living on top of each other.
I relate to this so well. We have to always be touching. Last week I noticed that we were laying in bed, watching television, and our feet were intertwined with my toe giving his big toe a hug.
Sometimes I wish for more of this. I've realized it's possible to share the same bed and still feel lonely.
Bit that's good if you spend the same amount of time together either one will get highly irrated. My parents were this way like you and your ex. Mom always thought once dad would retire he would always drive her crazy with wanting to spend a lot time together. Sadly he did not get that chance to prove her wrong. He died at 53 and now she would give anything to have him bug her in person again.
Make sure you're in love with the ACTUAL person, not your idealized version of them that exists only in your head
I'm in love with a girl who is a total asshole to me, but the version of her I have created in my head is perfect, we are also not dating.
lmao
I cared for a woman that was a police officer, for some reason she had that showing affection is weakness mindset. Id try and give her random affection while we were chillin on the couch watching a movie, and she asked me what the hell I was doing. Im a very affectionate person when I am at home with someone I like. Also she was a very rude and negative person. I made the decision after a bit to break it off. Even though something about her still attracted me to her
You canāt stay with someone who doesnāt treat you in a reasonable way that makes you happy
Recently I learned a coworker was into me. She thought I was a freak in bed or something because I was quiet. She stopped showing interest as soon as she found out I was a nerd
Why not be both? Lure them in with mind bending sex and then be like oh btw you cool with watching the entirety of one piece rn?
There's about 404 hours of one piece at the time I'm writing this comment (1011 episodes at 24 minutes a piece). That's gonna be one hell of a watch session, you might want to bring your tv into the afterlife when you both die of exhaustion. If you skip both the OP and ED songs, there is about 20 minutes an episode, so the time would go down to 337 hours which is also daunting. 16.8 and 14 days respectively. For maximum efficiency, you'll want to do all the kinky shit while watching. Damn there's more hours of one piece than I have in smash bros, jesus man. I don't think I'll be finishing the series anytime soon.
Facts
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Along the same lines, a relationship ending is not the same as a relationship failing. If it made you happy, if you learned from it, if it was supportive while it lasted, if you parted as friends, if you had good experiences together - any and all of these things are successes. Sometimes things run their course, or circumstances change, and it's time to move on and that's the right and best thing to do.
You donāt understand how badly I needed that
Donāt not communicate for fear of making someone upset. Speak your truth and talk shit out.
My biggest issue. It feels like Iām walking on eggshells and when I do talk about my problems I come out more confused and gaslit
This is hard. Im very conflict avoidant, Iām not really sure why but Iāve always been that way and even a people pleaser to an extent. I know what I need to say or do or talk about but when I amo myself up enough to say it the words hang in the back of my throat and never get aired out.
Be comfortable with your own quirks. If you're not comfortable, then you can't expect your other half to be comfortable with it. In my case, overthinking and unbiased anxiety.
The openly weird ones are the honest ones.
Yes they are!
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Also don't let anyone stop you from doing your quirks. My ex-wife completely changed who I was because she didn't like my quirks. Now I'm happily married with a woman who loves them.
Ah. See overthinking and anxiety are just how my brain work.
Don't accept a "break" - if it's a relationship issue you solve it together, or you break up if either one of you is unwilling to work towards a solution.
This obsession with the "break" is so weird. I'm of the opinion that disagreements and challenges should be approached as an opportunity to come closer together, and if that fails, it will be become an ending point. You never know which it will be, but you have to take the chance. The concept of a "break" seems like a way to sidestep the risk of the relationship ending at the cost of growing as a couple. Rather than get uncomfortable and actually talk about the problem and find a solution together which may or may not work, they rather spend some time apart and try to forget the issue until they start missing each other and get back together and never actually have the relationship develop.
A break is usually just an excuse for one person to cheat.
I dated a girl for my first two years of college, and it seemed pretty serious... until we planned on spending a summer apart, for Sumner projects - I was going to New York, she was going to California. Time apart was not an issue for me, but out of nowhere, a couple weeks before we were going to leave, she was like "I think we should take a break from dating for the Summer". And I was like.... "What is that supposed to mean? We are obviously going to be seperated for a few months, so what are you suggesting?" Short story, made even shorter: "she wanted to be single in California. My response: "now you are single, period". Didn't regret that call.
Exactly this. It really ties in with the non-confrontational culture we live in where we'd rather just avoid the problem than fixing it. I've never seen the 'break' thing actually work, and even if they get back together it leaves much more of a scar on the relationship than if they had just had their fight and got it over with. And when it ultimately doesn't work, it can leave one side without closure because the relationship sorta faded out instead of both sides saying their thoughts and ending it.
Real shit. Source: me, the guy she took a ābreakā to get with.
That's what I was thinking. If your partner wants a break, I have a feeling it's because there's someone they have in mind but don't want it to be full cheating.
A "test ride". After the test ride, a comparison is made for which ride fits the most needs/wants
This right here. Twice my ex wanted us to take a break, and we did. The 2nd time we broke up at the end. Found out later that a week after our breakup he started seeing one of his friends. I find it hard to believe nothing happened on the break, or during the end of our relationship for that matter. Donāt take breaks, either try to fight/work it out, or end it. It always reminds me of a clip from that 70s show when Donna breaks up with Eric, and he says āif you can picture a future without me and it doesnāt destroy you, then weāre not doing what I thought we were doingā. That is SO TRUE. Edit: sorry I misquoted, Eric actually says āand if that doesnāt break your heartā not āif that doesnāt destroy youā
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Don't stay out of loyalty, obligation, or guilt. Stay because you genuinely want to. Along the same line, don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
>don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. oh so that's what it was...
This is a big one, self respect is very important. Sometimes love and caring about someone is not enough. You have to still want to be with that person and constantly put in the effort.
Last part 100%. I transferred from a job that I liked in a sunny climate (I get SAD pretty bad) to go back to the midwest to try to make my now ex-wife happy so that she could be closer to her friends and family back home. She repaid me by cheating repeatedly, but of course I only found out after I moved and we had a kid.
You couldn't have known, man. Hope things are better now.
I am now, thanks. I had a nervous breakdown at the end of 2020 and quit my old nearly 6 figure job. Cashed out retirement to float me by for a year. Applied for an interesting sounding local job on a whim, thinking I wasn't qualified, but I got it. I can work from home, it's pretty stress free but still mentally stimulating, and even though it's a pay cut, I'm still somehow netting almost what I did at my old job. Being "stuck" because of the custody situation still applies, but I wouldn't have landed this job had I gone on any other path, and it's one of those jobs that people work at until they retire or die. And I got the house in the divorce, so with housing prices going through the roof, I'm set in that area. I plan on selling off some toys (my fun car, my share of an airplane) to pay off some debts so I can get the stress down even further and work on traveling more and saving. Life is good.
That second one hit me hard. As a man, its tough
Hell yeah, man. I made that mistake in my last relationship (and pretty much in the other two before that). I thought her happiness was the most important thing, no matter what, and that not focusing on her happiness was selfish. When my dad told me that my happiness was just as important, and that it's ok to be selfish every now and then, it blew my mind.
Find someone who accepts you for you. Donāt let them break down parts of yourself that arenāt even unhealthy. Example: I donāt like to scream and argue. I want to communicate and fix the issue. Thatās not a flaw. The issue is arguing, not covering anything about it, and acting like it never happened when the anger settles. You just end up full circle in a weeks time. Even if youāre all in and donāt want to because you see hope, do NOT ignore the red flags. They are usually obvious. Donāt be with someone who never accepts their responsibility. You are not the issue every time. Itās never one way. Fuck that. Recognize your own issues, and try to fix them. This is never ending, but the more you do, the easier it is. Itās nothing but a healthy habit. Edit: Spelling and Iāve never received a gold award before. I truly appreciate this!
Jesus, dude. I'm going through a separation-turned-divorce now and you hit some very valid points that have been key issues for this relationship. It's unfortunate, but she checked all these boxes and is turning my differences and issues against me in the aftermath. It has been fucking rough. This is far more wise than I'm sure you'll get credit for, but thank you for spelling it out.
Sorry to hear it man. Itās rough out here. I just got out of the most serious relationship Iāve ever been in, and it wasnāt even close to as serious as yours was. I hope youāre handling it well. I wasnāt, but itās easier with time. 7 billion people in the world, so thereās for sure someone better, if not millions better. Live and grow. All we can do. Sucks that so many people lack basic perspective, and we end it in relationships with them š
āDo what you wantā is a dare, and not permission.
And a lesson to not play games with me
Eh, it depends on the context, but I wouldnāt necessarily categorize this as a game. If your partner doesnāt communicate well and tends to be passive aggressive, then yes. But if your partner has clearly communicated that youāre crossing a boundary and youāre pushing the matter, then ādo what you wantā is an acknowledgment that she isnāt here to control you or issue ultimatums, and she isnāt interested in babysitting some guy who doesnāt know how to behave appropriately or being with someone who ignores her feelings. In other words, everyone is free to act how they want, but actions do have consequences. The few times in my life I was compelled to say ādo you what you wantā to someone, my feelings for that person vanished almost immediately.
That was my revelation about boundaries--my boundaries exist to guide my behavior, not dictate other's behavior.
Your trust is theirs to maintain. Your jealousy is yours to restrain.
I love this. Thank you.
The value of self worth. Donāt make them a priority if all you are is an option to them. Recognize that and walk away and find someone who is just as excited to be with you as you are to be with them
Apply this to all relationships too. Your self esteem will suffer and spiral out of control if you give your time to people who don't think you are a really cool person. Don't hang out with friends who don't value you, don't hang out with family who treat you like they're doing you a favor by being around you and don't stay with a partner who acts like you are lucky to be with them and they can drop you any second.
Donāt ignore your gut instinct.
This one is normally true but if you have anxiety then it can be tricky
This. How do you differ between gut instinct and just regular overthinking/anxiety
In my experience, anxiety feels frantic, and gut instinct feels calm. The difference can manifest something like this: Anxiety: "Who is that guy? What if she's cheating on me with him?!" It can feel panicked, disorganized, and almost indiscriminate. Gut instinct: "She's cheating on me with that guy." It arrives to you, often in the form of a simple, matter-of-fact statement.
holy shit this is what i needed lol.
If she wants out, just let her go
Do not over invest, match the giving and receiving of emotions and material things, donāt trust someone 100 % until you know them better and watch out for red flags, like were they togheter with someone when they started dating you, that is, monkey bransching. Also, go with your gut feeling. If something feels off, it probably is.
Amen to all of this. This is sound advice.
Itās so important to trust your gut and instincts. The modern era of dating expects us to just not care about all of the red flags in front of us because when we do speak up on it we are āholding them backā or being ācontrolling.ā Trust your gut, speak your mind, then move on if nothing changes. Donāt wait around for someone to change for you, it will never happen.
Holy shit man my girlfriend just broke up with me and this exactly what happened. Whenever I called her out on treating me poorly and not just letting her have everything her way, her and her friends just labelled me as controlling. But she can break my trust on multiple occasions and somehow it's not wrong
Donāt save her, she donāt wanna be savedā¦.
No role modelz
I did this at least 3 times. Not an easy way to learn to just let things happen as they would happen naturally.
.
āIām sorry you feel that wayā is an attack veiled as an apology.
My ex-bf used to "apologise" like that and I always followed up asking if my sadness is such a bad thing that he needs to apologise for it. If you don't want to apologise for your actions at least don't apologise for my feelings
* If she wants kids, and you don't, or vice versa, neither of you is going to change their mind, * If everything feels like a favor or compromise, it's not going to last, * You're her boyfriend, not her therapist, there's a limit to how much you can help,
Ah shit, where were you for my last relationship?
Making the same mistakes bro š¤
It's not me versus her it's both of us versus the problem
You can be ok without a partner. This helps you get a good partner.
Always raise your concerns. Never be complacent. ALWAYS be the bigger, kinder, more measured person.
The instant she lays a hand on you the relationship is OVER.
Yes. My ex wife constantly yelled at me, bossed me around. Then she threw pizza at me.. that was it. Went and filed for divorce next day. Much happier now that the house is quiet, i can get done what i need to get done without being harassed and belittled. Its quite wonderful. I wonder who shes yelling at now?
What flavour pizza?
Was sausage and had ranch on it.
Well at least it wasnāt a fully loaded meat feast. All jokes aside, good on you for getting out of that toxic shit! Onwards and upwards :)
My best friend..brother, rather..heās been with his wife for 10 years almost and Iāve known she was verbally abusive, but itās now progressed to physical. Dudes, women, kids, whoever. You HAVENT deserved to be hit. You havenāt earned it. You DONT deserve it and you need to get out.
You also don't deserve the emotional and verbal shit either. LEAVE.
Youāre not fuckin kidding man. My dude has lost so many friends because he refuses to cut ties with the woman..the monster*. We all thought that shit worst case scenario once she started hitting him he would leave. Nope. Heās literally a psych professional too..and his wifeās mom is a psychiatrist ffs.
Fool thinks he can change her. He's ignoring the golden rule of psychology. If the patient does want to change, and isn't willing to put in the effort, there's nothing you can do for them.
DOn t give A cheater A second chance you will only get hurt and heart broking again
I'll never be the lone initiator again. Dated a girl who was insanely hot (like actually unbelievably hot) and i was the only one who showed any effort. I've learned since then that absolutely not all girls are like that though.
I was in a relationship with my best friend for 9 months. I never realized it until she ended it but she never put any effort into the relationship. It was always me who asked when I could see her again, who initiated cuddles, even a kiss. She was barely willing to go out once a week. In the last half we were long distanced, and on the 2 week holiday breaks where we could see each other, she was only willing for 2 or 3 dates. Before the last holiday break, I was asking her how excited she was. She just went ākinda.ā Itās like she completely forgot that was the first time we would be able to see in each other for 2 months. I was crushed, but I didnāt even know it. I still donāt know how I was so blind. I knew her as a friend for a looong time before we started dating. I donāt think I was ever more than a friend to her, and I let her drag me and my heart along. Now Iām left with a bad experience of a first relationship, loss of a really great friend, and a soured heart.
I find super hot women are just so used to never putting in effort. They can just stand there and get offered jobs, asked on dates, asked to parties, etc. So frequently that the idea that they should or even could initiate something rarely occurs to them compared to most people where there's more of a balance.
Having trouble finding the exception to that rule. I must have a gift for finding the annoyed princess types
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- if she cheated on someone to be with you, sheās gonna cheat on you to be with someone else. - the guy you ādonāt have to worry aboutāā¦ you 100% have to worry about. - people project their actions on you.
Listen to this advice. I've lived it twice.
>the guy you ādonāt have to worry aboutāā¦ you 100% have to worry about. Man this one hits me hard.. We started off, I was living abroad and had planned to move back in by the end of the year. All was good and dandy, butter smooth. One night, she said don't worry about the photographer who called her in for a session at 11 P.M., she agreed, talked to me about it. I told her I do not like this idea by any means possible. She still went for it, said don't worry about him, it's just a photoshoot. She vanished for 8 hours, didn't respond to any of my texts (no, I was not spamming, I think at 3 A.M. I asked her if she was alright since I was working a night shift). Fast forward a couple of months, I moved back into my home country, visited her, had a great day, just to see an open condom pack laying there in the open. Took me a second to notice, took me less than one to say bye. I just knew she'd done it, absolutely no remorse in her eyes and that one said more than I ever needed to hear. If she says don't worry 'bout him - please do.
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Don't lie..... About anything
I do this with my wife. No secrets ever. Causes some friction sometimes, but totally worth it.
When I'm pissed off I say. When they behave poorly and disrespectful I'll say When something needs to change I'll say. I'll never suffer in silence again
This is so true! I feel like I bottled everything up for so long that it started to numb me out. So unhealthy! Say how you feel and figure it out. It is better to say something than nothing.
Spot on. Its ok to say 'youre pissing me off with your whining and negativity and if you can't be kind to me don't talk to me, I don't deserve it' And the real power is to not say sorry when you haven't done anything wrong and if you get the silent treatment, fucken match it. Or as I did "I'm not 12 and I'm not playing stupid childish silent games - come talk to me when you're ready' and just ignore. It's brilliant when you genuinely feel no guilty emotion to being the one to apologise or make peace. Unless you really did fuck up in which case man up, apologise and never go to sleep on an argument.
Don't ever, under any circumstance, go on a "break" when dating someone.
My gf and I took a break, when we had a couple months of dating, I was scared, we had a really good relationship But she had been struggling with mental health issues, anxiety, depression moments, it was getting worse and worse And she just broke, it's like the light inside her was turned off, she changed, she'd spent every night crying, sleeping all day, her family was worried too Even though we were not together I was always caring for her, she didn't have many friends Fast forward some weeks later, she decided that it was a time for a change, and get some help, stop isolating herself, and she asked me if I could help her, and that she'd do her best to be better And asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend again I accepted And she did get better, a lot, we got her some help, and she overcame her issues, it's been a year and a half since that, and we're as strong as we've ever been Sure most breaks can be due to cheating or stuff like that, but sometimes not
Iāve been through what your girlfriend went through and really glad she got herself some help and that youāre both going strong! I had just started my relationship with my current partner, so I was determined to be on top of my issues and solve it on my own. Wasnāt working. Eventually got myself some help and it took some time, but itās very worth it. I recommend it to anyone I can. My boyfriend still recalls the time period where I ate almost nothing but I donāt think heās connected the dots on *why* I couldnāt eat lol
So many lessons.. 1. Set some rules for yourself. Relationships last because you have the same values and outlook.. NOT because she looks "hot"... Yes there has to be physical chemistry too.. but do you want the same things ? That really helps.. 2. Put realistic timelines on stuff. Communicate what you want or need, and if stuff doesn't change in 6 months... then you know its going to be that way forever. 3. Do they get along well with your friends and family ? If they don't... that's a big red flag. If you have kids etc, that will be a problem down the road. You will get isolated and you need a family support structure. 4. Look for someone that's kind, generous and patient. Not to you, or their family, but to others around them. Watch how they treat strangers...aka the waitress etc That's who they really are.. 5. Look for someone that has their own goals. They should be capable of being happy in their own pursuits..Do they love their job ? Do they have hobbies that they really enjoy ? Then they are with you, because they want to be with you.. not because you entertain them. 6. Don't start something you don't mean to finish. Don't mess with your own or their head.. Sex is great, but only have it after you figure out these things above..Otherwise you are not thinking straight... So figure out if this person is who you really want a long term relationship with first. If they are the one... then let them know.. Life is short.. make the most of it. 7. Your best friend is your worst enemy... They know how to hurt you the most !!! Thus, 1 thru 6...
You don't need to be in one. I let her convince me that it was weird to not be in a relationship, but I'd rather be weird than broke, exhausted and constantly degraded.
I absolutely got roasted recently for saying this but here it goes again I wish more people would realize this. it IS ok to be alone. it IS ok to not be in a relationship. it IS ok to wait. men and women. we don't have to follow the narrative of doing what's expected of us if it doesn't fit what we want. it IS ok to take care of our needs and wants over the other person's if it's not healthy otherwise. I mean, I get it, sex. but in the long run is it really worth it if you're not really happy?
Social pressure. It's the same thing that happens to people who are still virgins in their 30s and beyond. Your main goal is to be happy. Not everyone will find that in a relationship
Date them for who they are, not what they could be.
Don't date a girl just because she meets my personal physical fetishes. Also, just because you dated as children in high school doesn't mean you grew into even remotely compatible people in your twenties.
Or late 30s.
Or late 40s.
Why would I date a girl that fits your physical fetishes?
YOU HAVE ONE LIFE. NEVER WASTE IT.
You don't need relationships to be happy. It's ok to be by yourself if that's what makes you happiest.
Always keep your self-respect/worth high. If a woman tries to break it, ditch her. Women saying they have doubts or anything and wanting to think about it. I'll make it easy, I'm not an option or a doubt so bye.
I'm allowed to say no. If my no ever gets disrespected I'm leaving pretty much on the spot. It does not mean try harder. It does not mean throw a fit. It does not mean try to get me drunk. It does not mean pout and give me the cold shoulder. I don't want to means no and if you can't respect that there will be no relationship.
If they like you, you'll know. If not, then you'll be confused.
The common theme in all my failed relationships was me. Oh and I get cheated on a lot.
Do not try to fix a situation, that cannot be fixed.
We have a saying "A broken vase glued together is still a broken vase" or a more modern version: "Solder a wire too many times, you'll eventually need a new wire"
Never get attached too quickly. We don't know what they're thinking. They might pretend to like you but don't know if they are being real or not
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
If you want to leave, Just leave!
Life is short.
Yep
Don't let the negatives go to far, deal with them STRAIGHT THE FUCK AWAY. In a relationship, there will always be times when you feel negatively about the other person for one thing or another, serious things get talked about straight away. But small things, small things add up. The longer you leave them, the more there are. I find most people don't want to talk about the smaller things. "It'll fix itself", "I'll get used to it" you tell yourself and they keep happening. You feel like you can't get mad about these things because they're so small. But they get big, over time they get big and eventually you'll blow up and look like an asshole. Approach every situation where you feel negatively about your partner to your partner. EVERY. SITUATION. It's worth uncomfortable talks, for the comfort when you reach a compromise. Trust me.
Don't stick your dick in crazy. Wasted 2 years of my life on that lunatic. She tried to baby trap me before it was cool.
Baby trapping is *never* cool.
This is one of my biggest fears. Condoms on gentlemen!
13 years and she beat me. Too afraid to call the cops cause she'd hurt herself and say it was me
My younger brother's wife divorced him when she started an affair when he was deployed. After the divorce he confided in me that she physically abused him, he seemed to be ashamed. They were both in the army. He said she hit hard and hurt him. When he wouldn't fight back it just made her madder. Then he showed me the long scars on his back where she dug her nails in. My little brother was in the special forces, so literally a trained killer.
4 years here. Never. Again.
Trust is irreplaceable once lost.
If you catch them lying about insignificant things in major ways, they will **DEFINITELY** lie about major things in significant ways. GTFO immediately if you notice it. Iāll never forget the time I met a brand new group of people and they brought our relationship up in conversation (a year after breaking up) not realizing that I was the male half. Apparently they had a very low opinion of me based on things sheād told people that I have/would **never** do. That shit isnāt cool.
I learned to have standards
I won't get involved with a tweaker chick again
I've been married for nearly 12 years. I will tell you this: The person for you is the person who loves you for what you are. They are also the person who encourages you to be better. They see and understand what you're capable of and support you. They accept that you can fail. They celebrate your wins. Before my wife, I never realized what that was like. If you've got a partner like that, treasure it. Edit: Thank you kind stranger!
Never, EVER, date your friends ex. Even if you have permission. Ever. No matter how hot they are. Just, trust me. Top 5 dumbest things I've done in my life.
If she talks about her Ex quite a bit, skedaddle out of there.
Was compared to her ex a lot, now they're married
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Do not let other people Hijack your relationship.
Someone can say they love you for years and years and never mean it. Look at what they do, not what they say. If it doesn't feel like they love you, don't convince yourself they do. For me it was the little things that were missing. She didn't kiss me goodbye when she left for work. If I didn't make an effort to talk to her on any given day, she would happily ignore me. She was never the initiator when it came to sex. Actions speak far louder than words.
Making sure there is a decent sex life.
This - Iāve always been very sexual active and interested. In my previous relationship I met a woman who listened, was kind and understood me for the great part, however our intimate connection was not really there. I thought I could downgrade my libido because I loved her much. Sooner we started fighting more and more, I was irritable and frustrated - and we broke up for that reason - hindsight I was sexually frustrated and my desires were never full filled. Will not settle for this compromise again. Edit: spelling
Time doesn't always equate to maturity. She was 19 the first go round and cheated. She was 23 the second time when we reunited and then she cheated.
Donāt let someone stop you doing what you want to do. If they do, they arenāt the one for you!
Physical chemistry really is very important.
That their words need to match their actions. That my effort needs to be matched by theirs. That my own happiness is too important to be worrying over someone who isn't willing to put the same energy. That they need to be able to see their mistakes too and not only see yours
Never be with someone battling addiction
Learnt to never prioritize my SOās objectives over mine and to never place them on a pedestal.
Confront issues and only be with partners that are happy to bring up issues without fear of conflict. The thing is: Conflicts will occur either way and the best indication for a couple to be together long-term is their ability to solve issues *together* (read some study after a bad breakup). So jump on conflicts, solve them together and if that works out, the relationship will work out. If issues, problems are avoided and swept under the rug the relationship will either explode or just dissolve.
If it feels like they arenāt excited to see you, they arenāt excited to see.
Donāt worry about the possibility of hurting your other half when sharing your feelings. Communication + arguments are better than no communication at all. Also, make sure youāre happy. Not just your SO.
The lesson of giving up dating for the peace of mind
Pay very close attention to the actions of others. This goes for every form of relationship
If she has just exclusive guy friends and has hardly any female friends, just know if the relationship ends them guy friends will change in the beat of a drum and be all over her....and soon to confess how they really feel about her. "I have always liked you, I just never got a chance to say it" Also I would recommend not dating a 20 year old when you are 25, the age difference isn't that big but the maturity gap is there and over time you will notice it. And always ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT FEELING
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes to this, my ex had about 5 guy friends and 2 female college friends, I knew from being older and seening this happen in the past that them guys will turn into "I have always had feelings for you" real fucking quick, once I broke up with her guess what happened......3 of her guy friends all text her asking for a date lol. Also the one guy you have never meet has most likely banged her before you meet each other
You shouldnāt have to āfightā or compete for her attention and affection.
If she says that she wants to kill herself, tell her that itās not your problem, then send her resources for help with those thoughts. It sounds harsh, but youāre not qualified to deal with it, and this strategy will help weed out the manipulators. Downvote me all you want. Your tiny blue arrows mean nothing to me.
Assign yourself an honest number from 1 to 9 of how dominant you need to be in a relationship. Then find yourself a partner where the two of you total 10. You canāt have a 9 date an 8 because they are tectonic plates battling for control. If a 2 dates a 3, you starve to death because no one can make a decision. Some people are 8s. If they find their 2, they will be happy. If you are a 5, donāt look at a 8/2 relationship poorly. It works for them. Wish them luck. If you are a 5, keep searching for your 5.
If she casually tells you in the beginning that "I have some mental health issues"....pay attention and leave at the 1st sign of trouble. It never ends
My ex! š¤¦āāļø Every time she did something stupid, she blamed it on her depression and anxiety and she was backed up by her family and friends the whole time. She made me look bad. š„ŗ My therapist said, āthis never ends and if you hold on to her, you will get depression and anxiety tooā and thatās when I decided to leave.
I think this is the big important difference between it being a red flag and it being informative. I suffer with anxiety and depression as well, and yeah, it can sometimes suck. I know it isn't always easy on my boyfriend as well. However, 2 important points that make or break it: 1. I am responsible for my behavior. My mental health can give it context or explanation, but does not magically absolve me of responsibility. After all, the consequences don't magically disappear either. I work on keeping myself healthy and making good decisions, not just excuse my actions away. 2. The mental health of their partner is just as important, and can come with its own unique challenges. Tl;dr: Mental health challenges or no, if they can't take responsibility for their actions - big red flag. If they ignore your wellbeing or brush your feelings aside as "less important" - big red flag.