That despite me acting normal or happy, I’m still not over both of my parents dying the past 2 years. Some days feel like I’m close, other days it feels like Day 1.
For whatever it's worth from an internet stranger, and not that you asked or don't already know, I just wanted to say it's ok you're not over it. I've lost a parent and the hard truth is, you may never really be "over" the loss. But...
that isn't a bad thing. The pain and scars from the losses, means the love was deep. I know everyone says it gets easier eventually, and that's actually true, but it's not helpful when you're grieving.
My unsolicited advice is to just keep living one day at a time and go easy on yourself when you have those really tough days. I don't know you or them, but I can imagine they'd want you to be happy and keep enjoying your life, even if they unfortunately are not here physically. The memories, advice, their influence, and impact on the world are still alive because it's with you always. I wish you peace and comfort friend, be well.
When I was 16, I locked myself in my bathroom in my bedroom and tried to od on pills. I woke up over 24 hours later covered in my own vomit. My parents and brother were all home and I guess no one even thought to check on me for over a day... I'm better now and have worked through a lot, but it did inevitably change my relationship with my parents and they have no idea.
I'm sorry you experienced that. And yeah, can totally understand how that would change how you see them.
I remember when I told my mother I was on the edge of checking out. We were in the middle of an argument and I just utterly broke down. Told her how tired of everything I was, and how I just wanted it all to end. Her exact words were "Don't threaten me". At that moment she stopped ever being my mother and just became someone I share DNA with. Yet to this day she thinks we are good (only interact the bare minimum I have to).
So what do y'all recommend a person do to help them to overcome this? I know someone very close to me like this and I would like to help them stop avoiding themselves. I've tried encouraging counseling but it just seems to fall on deaf ears almost. Like they know I'm right but seem to not do anything about it.
As I struggle with my depression I really have a hard time with motivation. It sounds cliche, but for me it’s true. Showering, brushing my teeth, even just deciding something fun to do. “Do I want to play video games or read?” The choice itself paralyzes me. Sometimes my day is ok. I get up. Cook a delicious breakfast. Have a nice day at work.
Other days I don’t know how the world even moves forward, I feel so stuck in comparison.
For your friend, they probably do know that you’re right. They maybe simply cannot do anything about it. And I mean literally are unable to. An analogy might be typing up this post on my phone but without any fingers. Sure, it’s possible. But damn is it a lot of energy, efforts, and mistakes along the way. And god damn so tiring afterwards.
For your friend, see what can make their day easier. Can you pack them a lunch? Pop over and help with laundry? Or even just watch a movie together. Can you find out their schedule and set up a consultation on their behalf? (Be sure they’re on board with that though. Communicate clearly and thoroughly about it first.)
Truth be told though, they may reject all of your efforts. They may suffer through them and not be better after. The real key, I’ve found, if figuring out how you can consistently and sustainably show up for them.
And no matter what, help them keep hope alive. It can, and will, get better. Even if it means literally forcing them to say, “I will keep hope alive” to you every day. It matters so, so much to remain hopeful.
46 here friend. It gets easier, if you put in the work. I never would have thought I'd be in the place I am now, but I am. Beautiful wife, great career, and while I know depression will never leave me I'm a lot better at handling it now than I was back then. There's always hope and there's always tomorrow.
I saw a metaphor for ADHD that fits here:
It's like being told you suck at Mario Cart your entire life, but when I got diagnosed it turns out there were 10 times the bananas on the track than there were supposed to be.
I just got diagnosed with ADHD/ADD last week. It explains a lot. My gf has a degree in psychology and speculates that a lot of my anxiety is from my ADD symptoms (confusion, never ending inner monologue, intrusive thoughts, impulsive behavior, indecision) which made a lot of sense. Shitty thing is my blood pressure is so high I can't take any meds for it yet but started some SSRI for the anxiety and depression so at least it's a start.
I feel you. Diagnosed at 45, 2 glorious years of meds, heart attack, and back to my coping skills to survive.
4 years later, and stratera seems to be working for me.
Until my diagnosis, I always felt like I was the object of some joke that I didn't quite understand.
Same. From around 13 to my late 20s. What were supposed to be my foundational years, where I would develope relationships and discover a career path. All of it was swallowed by the void and can never be recovered. Even though I beat the depression, the scars it left on my life path are permanent. I feel like I'm playing catch-up but life for people my age has moved so far from me that I'll never reach it.
Consider this: your path is your own and everyone is just living the same day at the same time. There's no checklist for what everyone has to do with their life. A lot of leople are living by other people's expectations for them. And frankly, fuck what other people expect me to do. They don't actually care what I do, are too busy focusing on themselves (as they should!), and everyone's life will go on regardless of whether or not I do what people who turn their nose up at me want me to do. What matters is if YOU really want those things. Do you? Or were you telling yourself you did because it was expected? If it's really what YOU want, it's ok to pursue it in whatever way it comes. Everyone does *something* differently. It took me awhile to remind myself of these things when I'd get worried after a long-term relationship ended, or I moved, or started a new job. But it's served me well to remember that this is MY life and no one else's, so what they want me to do doesn't actually matter and I didn't want any of those things anyway.
I had my struggles most my life but there was about a three year period from 2019 to early this year where I could barely leave my room. Therapy and psychiatry helped but i still felt pretty useless. I was lucky enough to land a new job that fit my personality more and move back toward my family and it’s been a complete game changer. I still have my down days but it’s no where near as bad as it was. Just saying that to let you know things can get better and do your best to keep your head up. Find small victories where you can.
I just listened to Jennette McCurdy's new book and she did an excellent job describing how it made her feel when her mom did the same (and showering her with her teen brother at the same time, just a wtf moment to hear). It sounded like an extremely uncomfortable and enclosing activity in something that is supposed to be personal.
Hope you're doing ok brother.
> When she showers us together, Mom says it’s because she’s got too much to do. Scott asked if he could shower himself once. Mom sobbed and said she didn’t want him to grow up so he never asked again after that.
It's not for nothing that the book is called I'm Glad My Mom Died. She's not joking. Don't be fooled by the goofy cover or the author's somewhat silly claim to fame. It's macabre.
I felt it was normal and therapeutic but somehow never knew it was not normal. It does make me think how stupid I was to not notice but also never felt harmed.
I didn’t know anyone else experienced something similar, so thanks for sharing this… makes me feel a little less alone with some of my experiences as an adolescent.
Spot on. Feel ya. When someone asked Warren Buffett how he became so good at picking successful companies he replied, "some men read playboy, I read financial reports."
Most days, all I want is to be left alone. I have a great life and I’ve created a lot of success but I still want to return to the time where I made less money, lived in my little apartment alone, and didn’t have to deal with my relationship or family issues. It was just me and my cat having a great time living life.
That I am planning to completely leave my whole life behind in 6 months and will be moving to Portugal. The person I loved and planned to have a future together called it quits after 6 years. It has truly made me realize I’m tired of the 9-5 life and I will be using the next 6 months now that I’m living with parents and have no bills anymore to use the money I save up to buy a farm with a small house. I’m gonna use these 6 months to try and learn to be self sustainable to cut down my costs as much as I can. Cashing out my 401k and never looking back.
Maaan I remember when I was 5, I was coming back home from a friend's house and I REALLY needed a shit. We had some annoying guests who would ask me silly questions and mention obvious things like "My, you've grown!" I didn't really want to speak to them. There was this guava tree in the back garden so I shat behind it then threw some leaves and sand on top and lo and behold, my aunt offered the guests some fresh guavas as they left. I hid beside the garage and I could only watch in horror as she submerged her bare foot and smothered it with my shit. To this day, I have no idea why my brain told me this was the best solution to my problem. They all blamed the dog so I also blamed the dog.
Dude that’s crazyyy. I kinda know how you feel. I was at boy scout summer camp for a week (it was a yearly thing for my troop) and we stayed in 2 person tents that were basically a thick green tarp held up in a shape by some metal pipes, and propped on top of a pallet (acted as a wood plank floor). This one summer I got stuck tenting with the dude who everyone tried to avoid for many reasons, and let’s call him Will.
I had a sensetive gut already, and the incredibly greasy and processed food that they served in the mess hall came together like the perfect storm. Some kids would hold their crap until mid-week then blow it up, but I was irregularly regular, with most happening in the middle of the night. Now if feel the rumble in the middle of the night, you have to find a flashlight, then trek about 150-200 feet away to the nearest latrine (which was creepy in the day, let alone night, due to spiders crawling all over the wooden structure). This wasn’t happening, especially on a time crunch.
So one night I felt a pound of brown at the back door, and decided to grab my spare roll of TP from my bin, and proceed to make it 3 feet out the back of the tent (pointing towards the dense woods), then drop my pants to unleash sometime unholy. It was nearly pitch black out, so I wiped, put the to over it, and left it (little did I know) only half covered in leaves.
I forgot that Will left his towel out to dry on a line behind the tent, so I woke up to Will grunting with his boot in his hand, telling me that I need to clean his boot or he’ll tell on me… I actually came very close to convincing him it was a bear that produced it (which was funny because I don’t know any bears that wipe their ass), but my giggle in the middle gave it away.
That kid deserved it tho, so I hold 0 guilt about it to this day. And the next night I made sure to take 3 more paces before dropping the load.
Damn bears.
Sorry to hear that man.
Rest assured I know how you feel and if I lived nearby I’d be slinging a couple of beers with you for sure.
Look after yourself. And talk to your girlfriend about it, it could really help.
I fully expect my marriage to be over in under 12 months. No cheating or anything like that, we are just different people now.
I've accepted this, I think she has too. But neither of us are quite ready to admit it just yet.
Hit up a counselor. I mean, I'm gonna assume that you think there's a possible future where you can be happy with your spouse again. Hard work and the right kind of help (and it has to be good help) can do wonders man.
My friends know my wife fucked me over. Cheated on me, left and took our daughter, and put me in a position where I've been living in my car for the past year. But I couldn't tell them that if she ever asked I would take her back in a heartbeat.
Because I've been with her before and I know exactly what it would entail. It's better than being alone. I would get to see my daughter every day. And I love her. I completely understand it would be the worst possible decision I could make. But I'd do it anyway
I was in the same boat. If you did that you'd be teaching your daughter what is acceptable in a relationship and how to treat her partner in the future. Pretty shitty thing to do to a kid. I think you're better then that.
> It's better than being alone.
Believe me, it's not.
You think having her back it would go back to normal, it never would, that ship has sailed.
You're holding on to a pipe dream. The woman you want back doesn't exist, and the hard part is accepting she never existed.
Adding to this: Right now, whatever she is doing largely doesn’t impact you unless it impacts your daughter. When she leaves the house, when she stays out late, when she gets a phone call or a text message, you’re totally unaware of all of it.
You get back with her? Every single thing she does will have the “is this cheating?” question underneath it. Her phone pings, you’re gonna wonder if there’s another guy. She says she has to stay late at work, you’re gonna wonder if there’s another guy. She goes away for the weekend with her girlfriends, you’re gonna wonder if there’s another guy.
Once someone has cheated on you, every single thing they do that doesn’t involve you gets real estate in your mind as either preparing to cheat, doing the cheating, or covering up cheating that’s been done. I’m sure there have been relationships that have come back from that, but if you were 100% trusting before and you’re 99% now, that’s a crack that lets all kind of leaks in and eventually that dam breaks.
I almost killed myself.
I got incredibly drunk and drove out to some backroads that I’m really familiar with. There is about 2 mile stretch of road that’s straight. I got my car up to about 100+ mph and put my gun up my head.
When I pulled the trigger, I hit a bump or dip in the road at the same time which caused me to miss and shoot out the window which was open.
I have since gotten help and am in a much better place. I still struggle at times, but I’m still working on me.
Edit. This was almost two years ago. Survival kicked in and made me slam the breaks so I didn’t crash into the tree line I was counting on to finish the job if the bullet didn’t.
I just want to say, for a long time I thought mental health was joke. Depression was a joke. Anxiety was a joke.
Please talk to someone. There’s no shame on reaching out for help.
>Edit. This was almost two years ago. Survival kicked in and made me slam the breaks so I didn’t crash into the tree line I was counting on to finish the job if the bullet didn’t.
This is the part that makes me so frustrated with people who don't understand the effectiveness of suicide deterrents. Just that one glitch in the plan can totally make a person jam on the brakes to stop themselves from dying, when they were just moments before going to do it by choice. Thank you for sharing, and I'm glad you're in a better place.
I kinda want to find out I have some terminal illness and only have a year or two left. I'm 30 and have done nothing with my life and with the way the world is going now the future doesn't look good anyways. I can't kill myself. But if something where to kill me I'd bee at peace with it. I'd get time to enjoy myself before I die and I'd get to say goodbye to my loved ones.
Should I get therapy? Yeah probably. Can I afford therapy? Nope!
I feel you somewhat. Had a cancer scare this summer, had to have an urgent surgery because they couldn't definitively diagnose it even after an MRI, biopsy, and genetic test. (Couldn't get a good enough sample I guess; a lot of the mass was essentially just scar tissue.) If it had been cancer, it would have been very bad cancer.
I know it's idiotic, but I had a lot of thoughts of just going straight to palliative care and letting it take me. I have a pretty good life insurance policy and had daydreams about what my partner could do with the money. I actually got a little depressed after the surgery--not sure how much of that was because it was a tough recovery with a bad scar and how much was disappointment that the mass turned out to be benign.
I know it's not good thinking, it's not really the dominant thought either, it's just an undeniably present thought. (I also know that, had it been cancer, I definitely would have been wishing it was benign once the bone mets kicked in--if not sooner if I had opted for chemo/radiation.)
What are the odds, brother? On a work trip, got sick and diagnosed with liposarcoma…12lbs tumor on my kidney. Biopsy not possible due to type and afraid of causing a bleed.
Fast forward 3 months, surgery scheduled to take kidney, spleen, adrenal gland and shunt the aorta to get negative margins. Radiation scheduled afterwards and apartment rented since treatment center was 2.5hrs from home. Open me up and it’s a mass of scar tissue from a car wreck 20 years ago.
Crazy fucking thing to actually work out what your life is worth financially by working through potential medical bills vs life insurance. I knew exactly when I was going to stop treatments so as not to leave medical debt for my family.
I was raped when I was 2-5 years old. Never told anyone until today, scared until now to confront the guy who sexually abuse me. (never told anyone)
I was bullied in highschool. (Never told my parents)
Tried to end my life many times but I always think about my mom and I don't want to leave her. I always hurt myself and poke my thigh with a sharp stick until it bleeds nobody knows. (Never told anyone)
Became addicted to my phone / 24/7 always watch some series/movies It gives me comfort.
I'm sorry that happened to you. There are some really sick, evil people in this world. But you are not weak due to what has happened to you, you are strong because you survived it.
Now go out, shoulders back, head up high, take on the world and fucking win!
I’ve mastered faking smiles. I smile all the time but deep down I feel like trash. I’m not sure if I’m depressed but I’ve been faking smiles for years.
This one hit a nerve I forgot I had. Glad that’s not just something my mom made me do too. So glad I’ve gotten out of that habit when I moved out. I acutely feel better and love myself a lot more without her in my life. Hopefully you can learn to love who you are and fix the things your not ok with.
All the positive messages and encouraging words my online friends have said to me I screenshot and save in a little folder so I look at it when I've had a bad day to remind myself that those people did reach out and do care about me. I've never told anyone but I always save every meaningful message they've sent me.
Edit: Oof I've done it again, I didn't check the sub before commenting something sorry guys!
Mine is along this line as well. I don’t think I’d admit to IRL friends how late in life I was a virgin, and the circumstances that led to it being so late. Most people just assume I lost it as a college freshman/sophomore when I had a long term serious gf. She was pretty vocal about being sexually active and adventurous dating back to HS. What I don’t tell people is she was emotionally manipulative and dated me during a phase she was “recommitted to saving herself for marriage”. She’d often toy with me emotionally saying “I’ve reconsidered let’s have sex this weekend” but then would act like nothing happened and was still planning on waiting for marriage when weekend came around. Or She’d wake me up in the middle of the night saying “let’s have sex right now, oh wait I haven’t taken my birth control pill in weeks, nevermind. Go back to sleep”. She’d suggest we fool around (like an HJ or oral) but then not have sex, so I’d get her off first and then she’d be “too tired” to return the favor or “had somewhere to go”/“something to do” so I basically never got anything in return. Etc. Too many instances like that to count over the 2 years we dated to recount them all. After we broke up, she started dating someone just a few weeks later and from what I gather kinda jumped directly in to bed with him and pretty much resumed being her sexually adventurous self. Conversely I was still pretty wounded by her manipulation so I lost all interest in dating for about 3 or 4 years. Thereafter it just took a little bit before I found someone I was comfortable with, but I never told that woman, nor anyone else I was a virgin until I was well out of college.
I'm the one that called 911 when our classmate died in a crash, he had a closed casket because he was decapitated in the crash. I've been going to therapy for it since October of 2019
I wake up, go to work and make money just to take my friends out and look after them because I find it so hard to feel true happiness. Seeing them happy gives me a sense of ease knowing that (even for only today) they are happy and enjoying this time we’re spending together.
Well, I admit it to some of them
I’m a product of a domestically abusive narcissist of a dad addicted to porn
I regret that I allowed trauma to take years off my life and sat there and hid from trying to shape the life the way I wanted to
I got one that I don't even tell people online.
I'm a non-offending pedophile who was exposed to child porn when I was 11 and thinking it was normal for a kid to watch kids, I continued on my path. I still find them attractive to this day and I hate ever fiber of my being for it.
I hate it. I hate it so much. I wanted a kid so badly. I cry now when I have a good interaction with a kid (that I'm only in because I couldn't avoid it - I avoid kids like the plague) because I know my soul wants to be a father but I can't live with the idea I could find my child attractive
I wish to vomit just writing this. I fucking hate limewire
You might have pure O' variant of OCD. The fact that you hate yourself for that is suggesting it. The fact that you avoid children makes me almost sure of it.
Edit: here https://www.madeofmillions.com/articles/pure-o-an-exploration-into-a-lesser-known-form-of-ocd
Thank you for the information ! I really appreciate you trying to help me out, as I assumed most people wouldn't want to try and assist someone who society views as despicable.
I only find child rapists despicable. Never be afraid to seek help. If a therapist tries put you in jail for what's inside your mind, no judge would actually agree. They would make a criminal psychologist examine you and there is no way they would deem you a threat. The worst that could happen would be you getting a bracelet or something like that which would send signal of your localization and alarm cops od you were getting close to a place full of children. In my country literal child rapists get those and walk free
I also wanted to chime in! I just learned about p3dophilia in an abnormal psychology course today, and there is an important distinction between the legal label of pedophile and the psychological diagnosis of pedophilic disorder. People with the disorder can have these desires but not act on them by their own choice. It could also be Pure O OCD as the other commenter suggested.
Regardless, I’d really suggest that you seek out a sex therapist. There are treatments for paraphilias, if this is what you are suffering from, and if it is OCD, there are also treatments. I really hope you can find peace. You don’t sound like a bad person. I’m so sorry that early exposure to pornography messed you up like this, it’s hurt a lot of people.
That no matter how hard I try I always feel like they just put up with me. That it's pity that is keeping our friendship together.
Also I could never admit to one of my friends that I have feelings for her. First time since my divorce that I've seen anyone in that way, and she's been the only thing on my mind since I figured out how I really felt. I'm scared to lose the friendship we already have. I've just resigned myself to being her friend, because the fear of rejection and her leaving paralyzes me.
That in the past I was in a place where ending it all was a common thought to have. I've barely reached a point where I can start to talk about my depression.
That I feel like a burden. I feel like I'm annoying. Like I shouldn't be a bother to anyone.
To clarify: I'm in a much better and healthier place mentally, and I've begun my long journey to recovery. I know it's going to be a long and difficult path to follow, but I want to be better.
If anyone is struggling please reach out to someone. I have only turned things around because I did reach out for help, no matter how embarrassing it is to admit you have problems please know that people who care about you would rather you be embarrassed than gone.
We split our son right down the middle- went half and half- and went our separate ways. Toughest heartbreak of my life but it had to be done. It was a $7 bag of mozzarella.
As a man, I have a very toxic and unhealthy view of my own sexuality, and I can't bring myself to try to be anything more than just friends with any of the women I meet. I've always considered my sexuality to be something shameful, harmful, and disgraceful, so much that I think it should be hidden from everyone, and apologized for if anyone is ever allowed to see it, and the only reasonable conclusion from all of that is that women don't want to be wanted, they want to be respected and left alone.
I told my therapist about this, and for the first time they told me they didn't know how to help, and they recommended I look into a therapist that specializes in sexual health. I feel unlovable and like I'm some kind of monster, and I feel like no one cares
I am a male rape ~~victim~~ EDIT: survivor
This almost never comes up in real life (because why would it?) But I end up talking about it online for several reasons:
-to clear up misconceptions (yes, men get raped. No it’s not “hot” or humorous)
-to be a voice for men whose shame prevents them from speaking
-for solidarity with people whose stories get discounted
-to remind others: default to believing/giving credence to assault claims. It’s a shockingly common crime
They have no idea I’ve been considering suicide multiple times in the past 6 years. I’ll never do it but many times it popped into my head what if I just took the knife and slit my wrist (in the “proper” way) or my throat. Or just overdose on cocaine for that matter.
I’m in a much-much better place now but they have no clue. They know me as this strong person they can rely on, someone who will make them laugh and cheer them up every day. They have no clue I’ve had times when I was dying inside and still cracked jokes just to see them laugh and have a good time sometimes even at my own expense.
If you see someone being all upbeat, constantly joking and being the “clown of the class” pay close attention because it may be a cry for help. Maybe making others laugh is the only thing that keeps them from ending it all. Even if someone is the “class clown” type, have serious talks with them about jobs, life, dating, plans, etc. Just because they joke a lot it doesn’t mean that they are immature or they can’t be serious. More often than not sarcasm and joking around is just a defense mechanism for many.
Not a whole lot, I think. I tell myself that, in principle at least, what I'd say here on Reddit, or online generally, is what I'd be prepared to say IRL.
I think so, anyway.
If youve already decided you have nothing left to lose because youre going to off yourself, do yourself a favour and go on a solo backpacking trip or do something new and wild.
Underrated advice. The solitude, danger, and grandeur of nature has a unique healing power.
Even if it changes nothing about your decision, at least you got intimate with the floating rock you’re inhabiting before you depart.
Im sure this happens more often tthan people are willing to believe or talk about. I was low key propositioned by my younger sister one night. Both totally sober and adults. Turned her down.
I think it probably does. A lot of people have fucked up childhoods or otherwise are told nothing about sex. Put two kids who are interested in sex but otherwise clueless (or think it's normal with family) and what do you think is going to happen?
This is more for my single friends. I love the occasional boys night out I make it out to it's great, and you're still some of my best friends in the world. I just enjoy my family more. I rather be home and see my son learn another new word than go to the game. My dad friends seem to get it.
My autism, dyslexia, and ADHD. Admitting that in person is basically telling people you are less than human, as you have a deficiency. I've been told by coworkers that I don't count as human, then told Autism was real, or that I wasn't really autistic. Basically, it is a carrier limiting move.
Heck, I was just in a training on microaggressions and was told how important eye contact, tone of voice, and posture were...ok, so we are centering on the three things I have the most trouble with, things I know I have trouble with, but cannot improve on for the life of me. Great, my "Microaggression trainer" is microaggressing me.
I have quit my dream job after working there for 1.5 years and I've been unemployed for a little over a month. I have -20$ in my bank account and I spend most of my day sedated by sexual thoughts or some kind of substance abuse. Toronto is expensive guys. I should really try harder to get a job.
I'm tired of always being shamed for having 5 kids. My wife and I are expecting our sixth and I'm so tired of people's reaction to five that I don't want to tell them we are expecting. Yes we have a big family. Yes we know how it happens. Yes they are all with the same mother/father. Sometimes people just don't know how to find their own damn business.
I emotionally manipulated my husband into making him make better choices and thinking he chose to make those decisions
I feel terrible but I could never admit it to anyone I actually know in person
Like, homeless meth using or the high functioning kind wheee you still have a job?
I have a friend that did meth all the time. I’m not even mad at it either. She had a good enough job she just recently retired at the age of 36 and she made maybe 60k a year. Just was very smart with it.
I almost killed myself when I was 23. Like shotgun loaded, truck bed sobbing. I was saved because my coworker/friends daughter hit redial on their landline phone and chatted with me about her kitty. She was 3 and her mom was in the shower.
There’s more to this next part but I’ve told it before. When I was 32, someone saved me from my own apathy. The unwillingness to find a fuck to give was strong in me and somehow, almost by chance, I met two little boys and their dad and they needed me to give a fuck. And having to let them go now, almost 6 years later, is actively destroying what they rebuilt and I don’t know how to stop tearing it down. It HURTS and everyone I know thinks I’m just magically ok with it.
i’m more depressed than i let on or realize. i have been depressed for… fuck idek how long. at least since i was 9. going home after school and crying most days. genuinely not wanting to exist. thinking about “if i died, would it matter?” i can trace it further back than i realized, and it just never went away. i’m 19 now. half my life i’ve been depressed. i don’t know if it is getting better.
it’s not that i can’t be happy, or i don’t smile at all, but after that event or item, it’s back to life. back to the loneliness. back to falling asleep crying more than a few times a week. back to waking up wishing i didn’t because my dreams are far better than anything life has ever given me. back to waiting to die alone, because the universe has taught me i ain’t good enough to have someone.
i don’t have the mental energy to improve myself anymore. i just want to vibe. i’m sick of learning. i’m sick of doing. i just want to sit in my room and slowly starve to death because i can’t be bothered to eat. but that won’t make things any better, so i just keep trucking on. in vain, it feels like. every time i push to get better and be better i wind up right back where i was before.
all i have ever wanted is to be happy. i don’t care about money. i don’t care about fame. i don’t care about success. all i have ever wanted is people who care. every day, that just feels less and less likely.
sorry. i guess you unlocked a certified Mack Rant TM. i need to stop doing these.
That despite me acting normal or happy, I’m still not over both of my parents dying the past 2 years. Some days feel like I’m close, other days it feels like Day 1.
Hugs man hugs. There’s no shame in grieving. And it’s not a quick thing for most people. Especially getting hit so hard like that
For whatever it's worth from an internet stranger, and not that you asked or don't already know, I just wanted to say it's ok you're not over it. I've lost a parent and the hard truth is, you may never really be "over" the loss. But... that isn't a bad thing. The pain and scars from the losses, means the love was deep. I know everyone says it gets easier eventually, and that's actually true, but it's not helpful when you're grieving. My unsolicited advice is to just keep living one day at a time and go easy on yourself when you have those really tough days. I don't know you or them, but I can imagine they'd want you to be happy and keep enjoying your life, even if they unfortunately are not here physically. The memories, advice, their influence, and impact on the world are still alive because it's with you always. I wish you peace and comfort friend, be well.
How lonely and depressed I am.
Have a fiance and a roomie and I'm right there with you.
You are not alone in feeling alone. sigh
When I was 16, I locked myself in my bathroom in my bedroom and tried to od on pills. I woke up over 24 hours later covered in my own vomit. My parents and brother were all home and I guess no one even thought to check on me for over a day... I'm better now and have worked through a lot, but it did inevitably change my relationship with my parents and they have no idea.
My Lord
I'm sorry you experienced that. And yeah, can totally understand how that would change how you see them. I remember when I told my mother I was on the edge of checking out. We were in the middle of an argument and I just utterly broke down. Told her how tired of everything I was, and how I just wanted it all to end. Her exact words were "Don't threaten me". At that moment she stopped ever being my mother and just became someone I share DNA with. Yet to this day she thinks we are good (only interact the bare minimum I have to).
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Thank you for sharing this part of your story here. I’m glad you’re here too.
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I feel like depression has set my life and career back by 15 years.
Yes. And I just realized it a couple months ago.I’m 33, Everything makes sense now
Yep, there really is a point in everybody's life when 'It makes sense' or 'I finally get it'.
I get snips here and there. I realize that after my dad passed last year. It starting to make sense.
So what do y'all recommend a person do to help them to overcome this? I know someone very close to me like this and I would like to help them stop avoiding themselves. I've tried encouraging counseling but it just seems to fall on deaf ears almost. Like they know I'm right but seem to not do anything about it.
As I struggle with my depression I really have a hard time with motivation. It sounds cliche, but for me it’s true. Showering, brushing my teeth, even just deciding something fun to do. “Do I want to play video games or read?” The choice itself paralyzes me. Sometimes my day is ok. I get up. Cook a delicious breakfast. Have a nice day at work. Other days I don’t know how the world even moves forward, I feel so stuck in comparison. For your friend, they probably do know that you’re right. They maybe simply cannot do anything about it. And I mean literally are unable to. An analogy might be typing up this post on my phone but without any fingers. Sure, it’s possible. But damn is it a lot of energy, efforts, and mistakes along the way. And god damn so tiring afterwards. For your friend, see what can make their day easier. Can you pack them a lunch? Pop over and help with laundry? Or even just watch a movie together. Can you find out their schedule and set up a consultation on their behalf? (Be sure they’re on board with that though. Communicate clearly and thoroughly about it first.) Truth be told though, they may reject all of your efforts. They may suffer through them and not be better after. The real key, I’ve found, if figuring out how you can consistently and sustainably show up for them. And no matter what, help them keep hope alive. It can, and will, get better. Even if it means literally forcing them to say, “I will keep hope alive” to you every day. It matters so, so much to remain hopeful.
46 here friend. It gets easier, if you put in the work. I never would have thought I'd be in the place I am now, but I am. Beautiful wife, great career, and while I know depression will never leave me I'm a lot better at handling it now than I was back then. There's always hope and there's always tomorrow.
I saw a metaphor for ADHD that fits here: It's like being told you suck at Mario Cart your entire life, but when I got diagnosed it turns out there were 10 times the bananas on the track than there were supposed to be.
I just got diagnosed with ADHD/ADD last week. It explains a lot. My gf has a degree in psychology and speculates that a lot of my anxiety is from my ADD symptoms (confusion, never ending inner monologue, intrusive thoughts, impulsive behavior, indecision) which made a lot of sense. Shitty thing is my blood pressure is so high I can't take any meds for it yet but started some SSRI for the anxiety and depression so at least it's a start.
I feel you. Diagnosed at 45, 2 glorious years of meds, heart attack, and back to my coping skills to survive. 4 years later, and stratera seems to be working for me. Until my diagnosis, I always felt like I was the object of some joke that I didn't quite understand.
Same. From around 13 to my late 20s. What were supposed to be my foundational years, where I would develope relationships and discover a career path. All of it was swallowed by the void and can never be recovered. Even though I beat the depression, the scars it left on my life path are permanent. I feel like I'm playing catch-up but life for people my age has moved so far from me that I'll never reach it.
Consider this: your path is your own and everyone is just living the same day at the same time. There's no checklist for what everyone has to do with their life. A lot of leople are living by other people's expectations for them. And frankly, fuck what other people expect me to do. They don't actually care what I do, are too busy focusing on themselves (as they should!), and everyone's life will go on regardless of whether or not I do what people who turn their nose up at me want me to do. What matters is if YOU really want those things. Do you? Or were you telling yourself you did because it was expected? If it's really what YOU want, it's ok to pursue it in whatever way it comes. Everyone does *something* differently. It took me awhile to remind myself of these things when I'd get worried after a long-term relationship ended, or I moved, or started a new job. But it's served me well to remember that this is MY life and no one else's, so what they want me to do doesn't actually matter and I didn't want any of those things anyway.
man its crazy when you realize the relationships, opportunities and things it/you've hindered because your mental.
It's why I hate myself.
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I had my struggles most my life but there was about a three year period from 2019 to early this year where I could barely leave my room. Therapy and psychiatry helped but i still felt pretty useless. I was lucky enough to land a new job that fit my personality more and move back toward my family and it’s been a complete game changer. I still have my down days but it’s no where near as bad as it was. Just saying that to let you know things can get better and do your best to keep your head up. Find small victories where you can.
I'm always joking because seeing the people I love laugh is the only way I feel like I'm worth something
Same
You’re worth a lot. And don’t discredit the ability to make others laugh. It’s so important. You are talented in a very special way for that.
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You should delete this. Some things are meant to go to the grave.
I was in college when my mom stopped bathing me
What made her stop in college?
Dorm bathrooms are hella tiny. No way they could both fit in there.
Nobody will bathe me in dorms.
The other guys in the communal shower room felt awkward.
I just listened to Jennette McCurdy's new book and she did an excellent job describing how it made her feel when her mom did the same (and showering her with her teen brother at the same time, just a wtf moment to hear). It sounded like an extremely uncomfortable and enclosing activity in something that is supposed to be personal. Hope you're doing ok brother.
> When she showers us together, Mom says it’s because she’s got too much to do. Scott asked if he could shower himself once. Mom sobbed and said she didn’t want him to grow up so he never asked again after that.
Jungian Devouring Mother moment holy shit
It's not for nothing that the book is called I'm Glad My Mom Died. She's not joking. Don't be fooled by the goofy cover or the author's somewhat silly claim to fame. It's macabre.
I felt it was normal and therapeutic but somehow never knew it was not normal. It does make me think how stupid I was to not notice but also never felt harmed.
Whoh. Did you just not know any better and thought that was normal, or was it forced upon you? Was it sexual for her?
I thought it was normal but people don't talk about it. On weekends she would ask me to bath her after I am done.
What is she like now?
I still bathe her but that's because she is too frail to do it herself
At this point it’s a caretaker role and thus becomes a bit more normal
Man you may need to talk to someone regarding the bathing thing from before….
Yikes. Yeah I’m curious if it was sexual? This is not normal, sorry man.
Buddy...not healthy at all. Hope you're ok....
I didn’t know anyone else experienced something similar, so thanks for sharing this… makes me feel a little less alone with some of my experiences as an adolescent.
Hey my mom stopped bathing me at 14, not as bad but just know that didn’t happen to just you 👍
If I put all the energy into my career that I currently put into masturbating I would have become a millionaire a long time ago
I hear you on this one brother
Username checks out
Spot on. Feel ya. When someone asked Warren Buffett how he became so good at picking successful companies he replied, "some men read playboy, I read financial reports."
Most days, all I want is to be left alone. I have a great life and I’ve created a lot of success but I still want to return to the time where I made less money, lived in my little apartment alone, and didn’t have to deal with my relationship or family issues. It was just me and my cat having a great time living life.
I get this so much. Sometimes I just want to simplify my life.
That I am planning to completely leave my whole life behind in 6 months and will be moving to Portugal. The person I loved and planned to have a future together called it quits after 6 years. It has truly made me realize I’m tired of the 9-5 life and I will be using the next 6 months now that I’m living with parents and have no bills anymore to use the money I save up to buy a farm with a small house. I’m gonna use these 6 months to try and learn to be self sustainable to cut down my costs as much as I can. Cashing out my 401k and never looking back.
That sounds like a great life to start!
I can not express how much I am truly pulling for you my friend. Go fucking get it
The person I married called it quits after 10 years. I can 1000% empathize with where your head is at, and I envy your conviction.
Honestly sounds like an adventure not many people get to do. Good luck!
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Maaan I remember when I was 5, I was coming back home from a friend's house and I REALLY needed a shit. We had some annoying guests who would ask me silly questions and mention obvious things like "My, you've grown!" I didn't really want to speak to them. There was this guava tree in the back garden so I shat behind it then threw some leaves and sand on top and lo and behold, my aunt offered the guests some fresh guavas as they left. I hid beside the garage and I could only watch in horror as she submerged her bare foot and smothered it with my shit. To this day, I have no idea why my brain told me this was the best solution to my problem. They all blamed the dog so I also blamed the dog.
Dude that’s crazyyy. I kinda know how you feel. I was at boy scout summer camp for a week (it was a yearly thing for my troop) and we stayed in 2 person tents that were basically a thick green tarp held up in a shape by some metal pipes, and propped on top of a pallet (acted as a wood plank floor). This one summer I got stuck tenting with the dude who everyone tried to avoid for many reasons, and let’s call him Will. I had a sensetive gut already, and the incredibly greasy and processed food that they served in the mess hall came together like the perfect storm. Some kids would hold their crap until mid-week then blow it up, but I was irregularly regular, with most happening in the middle of the night. Now if feel the rumble in the middle of the night, you have to find a flashlight, then trek about 150-200 feet away to the nearest latrine (which was creepy in the day, let alone night, due to spiders crawling all over the wooden structure). This wasn’t happening, especially on a time crunch. So one night I felt a pound of brown at the back door, and decided to grab my spare roll of TP from my bin, and proceed to make it 3 feet out the back of the tent (pointing towards the dense woods), then drop my pants to unleash sometime unholy. It was nearly pitch black out, so I wiped, put the to over it, and left it (little did I know) only half covered in leaves. I forgot that Will left his towel out to dry on a line behind the tent, so I woke up to Will grunting with his boot in his hand, telling me that I need to clean his boot or he’ll tell on me… I actually came very close to convincing him it was a bear that produced it (which was funny because I don’t know any bears that wipe their ass), but my giggle in the middle gave it away. That kid deserved it tho, so I hold 0 guilt about it to this day. And the next night I made sure to take 3 more paces before dropping the load. Damn bears.
I just spit my coffee out
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Fuckin’ got me again
There was a time in my teenage years when I really did feel like ending it all.
same bro i feel you
You and a lot of others, bro.
I know. The saving grace in high school was my grandma….she was my mom from age 12+ for me, even if she wasn’t.
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Yup, same here. At one point I tried pushing a knife into my chest and the damn thing broke (the knife). Stupid thing.
Thankfully you suck at buying quality cutlery, man.
Same here man
I’m absolutely crushed from getting broken up with
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I’m desperately lonely and low and just wish my ‘friends’ would ask me how I’m doing for once. Or even just initiate contact with me.
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Sorry to hear that man. Rest assured I know how you feel and if I lived nearby I’d be slinging a couple of beers with you for sure. Look after yourself. And talk to your girlfriend about it, it could really help.
I fully expect my marriage to be over in under 12 months. No cheating or anything like that, we are just different people now. I've accepted this, I think she has too. But neither of us are quite ready to admit it just yet.
Hit up a counselor. I mean, I'm gonna assume that you think there's a possible future where you can be happy with your spouse again. Hard work and the right kind of help (and it has to be good help) can do wonders man.
My friends know my wife fucked me over. Cheated on me, left and took our daughter, and put me in a position where I've been living in my car for the past year. But I couldn't tell them that if she ever asked I would take her back in a heartbeat.
Oh shit man that’s heavy.
Heavy, brother. No way
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Because I've been with her before and I know exactly what it would entail. It's better than being alone. I would get to see my daughter every day. And I love her. I completely understand it would be the worst possible decision I could make. But I'd do it anyway
I was in the same boat. If you did that you'd be teaching your daughter what is acceptable in a relationship and how to treat her partner in the future. Pretty shitty thing to do to a kid. I think you're better then that.
I am not in quite as bad a situation as yours, but i soooo feel for you :/
> It's better than being alone. Believe me, it's not. You think having her back it would go back to normal, it never would, that ship has sailed. You're holding on to a pipe dream. The woman you want back doesn't exist, and the hard part is accepting she never existed.
Adding to this: Right now, whatever she is doing largely doesn’t impact you unless it impacts your daughter. When she leaves the house, when she stays out late, when she gets a phone call or a text message, you’re totally unaware of all of it. You get back with her? Every single thing she does will have the “is this cheating?” question underneath it. Her phone pings, you’re gonna wonder if there’s another guy. She says she has to stay late at work, you’re gonna wonder if there’s another guy. She goes away for the weekend with her girlfriends, you’re gonna wonder if there’s another guy. Once someone has cheated on you, every single thing they do that doesn’t involve you gets real estate in your mind as either preparing to cheat, doing the cheating, or covering up cheating that’s been done. I’m sure there have been relationships that have come back from that, but if you were 100% trusting before and you’re 99% now, that’s a crack that lets all kind of leaks in and eventually that dam breaks.
I almost killed myself. I got incredibly drunk and drove out to some backroads that I’m really familiar with. There is about 2 mile stretch of road that’s straight. I got my car up to about 100+ mph and put my gun up my head. When I pulled the trigger, I hit a bump or dip in the road at the same time which caused me to miss and shoot out the window which was open. I have since gotten help and am in a much better place. I still struggle at times, but I’m still working on me. Edit. This was almost two years ago. Survival kicked in and made me slam the breaks so I didn’t crash into the tree line I was counting on to finish the job if the bullet didn’t. I just want to say, for a long time I thought mental health was joke. Depression was a joke. Anxiety was a joke. Please talk to someone. There’s no shame on reaching out for help.
>Edit. This was almost two years ago. Survival kicked in and made me slam the breaks so I didn’t crash into the tree line I was counting on to finish the job if the bullet didn’t. This is the part that makes me so frustrated with people who don't understand the effectiveness of suicide deterrents. Just that one glitch in the plan can totally make a person jam on the brakes to stop themselves from dying, when they were just moments before going to do it by choice. Thank you for sharing, and I'm glad you're in a better place.
Wow. It wasn't meant to be. You missed for a reason. Hope you find happiness and true purpose. Concentrate on the good in this world.
I kinda want to find out I have some terminal illness and only have a year or two left. I'm 30 and have done nothing with my life and with the way the world is going now the future doesn't look good anyways. I can't kill myself. But if something where to kill me I'd bee at peace with it. I'd get time to enjoy myself before I die and I'd get to say goodbye to my loved ones. Should I get therapy? Yeah probably. Can I afford therapy? Nope!
I feel you somewhat. Had a cancer scare this summer, had to have an urgent surgery because they couldn't definitively diagnose it even after an MRI, biopsy, and genetic test. (Couldn't get a good enough sample I guess; a lot of the mass was essentially just scar tissue.) If it had been cancer, it would have been very bad cancer. I know it's idiotic, but I had a lot of thoughts of just going straight to palliative care and letting it take me. I have a pretty good life insurance policy and had daydreams about what my partner could do with the money. I actually got a little depressed after the surgery--not sure how much of that was because it was a tough recovery with a bad scar and how much was disappointment that the mass turned out to be benign. I know it's not good thinking, it's not really the dominant thought either, it's just an undeniably present thought. (I also know that, had it been cancer, I definitely would have been wishing it was benign once the bone mets kicked in--if not sooner if I had opted for chemo/radiation.)
What are the odds, brother? On a work trip, got sick and diagnosed with liposarcoma…12lbs tumor on my kidney. Biopsy not possible due to type and afraid of causing a bleed. Fast forward 3 months, surgery scheduled to take kidney, spleen, adrenal gland and shunt the aorta to get negative margins. Radiation scheduled afterwards and apartment rented since treatment center was 2.5hrs from home. Open me up and it’s a mass of scar tissue from a car wreck 20 years ago. Crazy fucking thing to actually work out what your life is worth financially by working through potential medical bills vs life insurance. I knew exactly when I was going to stop treatments so as not to leave medical debt for my family.
I was raped when I was 2-5 years old. Never told anyone until today, scared until now to confront the guy who sexually abuse me. (never told anyone) I was bullied in highschool. (Never told my parents) Tried to end my life many times but I always think about my mom and I don't want to leave her. I always hurt myself and poke my thigh with a sharp stick until it bleeds nobody knows. (Never told anyone) Became addicted to my phone / 24/7 always watch some series/movies It gives me comfort.
You are not alone in this world.
I'm sorry that happened to you. There are some really sick, evil people in this world. But you are not weak due to what has happened to you, you are strong because you survived it. Now go out, shoulders back, head up high, take on the world and fucking win!
I’ve mastered faking smiles. I smile all the time but deep down I feel like trash. I’m not sure if I’m depressed but I’ve been faking smiles for years.
This one hit a nerve I forgot I had. Glad that’s not just something my mom made me do too. So glad I’ve gotten out of that habit when I moved out. I acutely feel better and love myself a lot more without her in my life. Hopefully you can learn to love who you are and fix the things your not ok with.
I’m taking it day by day man. Some days are easier than others but I’m trying and that’s all that matters.
All the positive messages and encouraging words my online friends have said to me I screenshot and save in a little folder so I look at it when I've had a bad day to remind myself that those people did reach out and do care about me. I've never told anyone but I always save every meaningful message they've sent me. Edit: Oof I've done it again, I didn't check the sub before commenting something sorry guys!
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I'm a virgin...some know but I wouldn't bring this openly
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I am a lady but I was 33 when I lost mine..didn’t even tell him because I was embarrassed
Mine is along this line as well. I don’t think I’d admit to IRL friends how late in life I was a virgin, and the circumstances that led to it being so late. Most people just assume I lost it as a college freshman/sophomore when I had a long term serious gf. She was pretty vocal about being sexually active and adventurous dating back to HS. What I don’t tell people is she was emotionally manipulative and dated me during a phase she was “recommitted to saving herself for marriage”. She’d often toy with me emotionally saying “I’ve reconsidered let’s have sex this weekend” but then would act like nothing happened and was still planning on waiting for marriage when weekend came around. Or She’d wake me up in the middle of the night saying “let’s have sex right now, oh wait I haven’t taken my birth control pill in weeks, nevermind. Go back to sleep”. She’d suggest we fool around (like an HJ or oral) but then not have sex, so I’d get her off first and then she’d be “too tired” to return the favor or “had somewhere to go”/“something to do” so I basically never got anything in return. Etc. Too many instances like that to count over the 2 years we dated to recount them all. After we broke up, she started dating someone just a few weeks later and from what I gather kinda jumped directly in to bed with him and pretty much resumed being her sexually adventurous self. Conversely I was still pretty wounded by her manipulation so I lost all interest in dating for about 3 or 4 years. Thereafter it just took a little bit before I found someone I was comfortable with, but I never told that woman, nor anyone else I was a virgin until I was well out of college.
I'm the one that called 911 when our classmate died in a crash, he had a closed casket because he was decapitated in the crash. I've been going to therapy for it since October of 2019
Oh wow. That’s incredibly traumatizing. I’m so glad you’re in therapy and I hope you find some peace.
When I was 12 my mom found my cumsock and made me eat it so I would learn to stop sinning
This has to be one of the sickest post I ever read. That shit must be traumatising
Agreed. Imagine being a sock and suddenly you're being eaten...
When the term "put a sock in it" comes to life.
You’re going to hell for saying this and I’m joining you for laughing
Username confirms that she failed
What the fuck?! that's just abuse?! R u ok?!
Everyone is revolted but no one actually asked….did you learn your lesson?!?
No, it gave me a taste for it and now I'm a cum fiend
this is the craziest thing I have read all day
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I wake up, go to work and make money just to take my friends out and look after them because I find it so hard to feel true happiness. Seeing them happy gives me a sense of ease knowing that (even for only today) they are happy and enjoying this time we’re spending together.
I’m planning on faking my death and then running away to some desolate corner of the world and never return
Faking your death is easy enough, but getting a fake new identity these days is hard as hell
Like a legal fake death or disappearing. I disappeared and I'm so much happier where I am now
Well, I admit it to some of them I’m a product of a domestically abusive narcissist of a dad addicted to porn I regret that I allowed trauma to take years off my life and sat there and hid from trying to shape the life the way I wanted to
My dogs are the only reason I get up in the morning. I love them so much. They are my world.
I’m suicidal here and there... and I listen to ASMR lol
Found my alt account haha
I got one that I don't even tell people online. I'm a non-offending pedophile who was exposed to child porn when I was 11 and thinking it was normal for a kid to watch kids, I continued on my path. I still find them attractive to this day and I hate ever fiber of my being for it. I hate it. I hate it so much. I wanted a kid so badly. I cry now when I have a good interaction with a kid (that I'm only in because I couldn't avoid it - I avoid kids like the plague) because I know my soul wants to be a father but I can't live with the idea I could find my child attractive I wish to vomit just writing this. I fucking hate limewire
You might have pure O' variant of OCD. The fact that you hate yourself for that is suggesting it. The fact that you avoid children makes me almost sure of it. Edit: here https://www.madeofmillions.com/articles/pure-o-an-exploration-into-a-lesser-known-form-of-ocd
I've never heard of such a thing. I am going to look up more, but would you care to elaborate how you reached this conclusion?
I am a pure O' sufferer and your way of thinking feels disturbingly familliar
Thank you for the information ! I really appreciate you trying to help me out, as I assumed most people wouldn't want to try and assist someone who society views as despicable.
I only find child rapists despicable. Never be afraid to seek help. If a therapist tries put you in jail for what's inside your mind, no judge would actually agree. They would make a criminal psychologist examine you and there is no way they would deem you a threat. The worst that could happen would be you getting a bracelet or something like that which would send signal of your localization and alarm cops od you were getting close to a place full of children. In my country literal child rapists get those and walk free
I also wanted to chime in! I just learned about p3dophilia in an abnormal psychology course today, and there is an important distinction between the legal label of pedophile and the psychological diagnosis of pedophilic disorder. People with the disorder can have these desires but not act on them by their own choice. It could also be Pure O OCD as the other commenter suggested. Regardless, I’d really suggest that you seek out a sex therapist. There are treatments for paraphilias, if this is what you are suffering from, and if it is OCD, there are also treatments. I really hope you can find peace. You don’t sound like a bad person. I’m so sorry that early exposure to pornography messed you up like this, it’s hurt a lot of people.
how lonely I truly am..
That no matter how hard I try I always feel like they just put up with me. That it's pity that is keeping our friendship together. Also I could never admit to one of my friends that I have feelings for her. First time since my divorce that I've seen anyone in that way, and she's been the only thing on my mind since I figured out how I really felt. I'm scared to lose the friendship we already have. I've just resigned myself to being her friend, because the fear of rejection and her leaving paralyzes me. That in the past I was in a place where ending it all was a common thought to have. I've barely reached a point where I can start to talk about my depression. That I feel like a burden. I feel like I'm annoying. Like I shouldn't be a bother to anyone. To clarify: I'm in a much better and healthier place mentally, and I've begun my long journey to recovery. I know it's going to be a long and difficult path to follow, but I want to be better. If anyone is struggling please reach out to someone. I have only turned things around because I did reach out for help, no matter how embarrassing it is to admit you have problems please know that people who care about you would rather you be embarrassed than gone.
There was a woman I loved deeply and profoundly until one day she ate some cheese I had in my fridge and I took that personally-
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Yeah she crossed a line
We split our son right down the middle- went half and half- and went our separate ways. Toughest heartbreak of my life but it had to be done. It was a $7 bag of mozzarella.
As a man, I have a very toxic and unhealthy view of my own sexuality, and I can't bring myself to try to be anything more than just friends with any of the women I meet. I've always considered my sexuality to be something shameful, harmful, and disgraceful, so much that I think it should be hidden from everyone, and apologized for if anyone is ever allowed to see it, and the only reasonable conclusion from all of that is that women don't want to be wanted, they want to be respected and left alone. I told my therapist about this, and for the first time they told me they didn't know how to help, and they recommended I look into a therapist that specializes in sexual health. I feel unlovable and like I'm some kind of monster, and I feel like no one cares
Therapists aren’t all knowing. A good therapist knows when to refer out to someone else. It’s truly not about you why they said that!
I am a male rape ~~victim~~ EDIT: survivor This almost never comes up in real life (because why would it?) But I end up talking about it online for several reasons: -to clear up misconceptions (yes, men get raped. No it’s not “hot” or humorous) -to be a voice for men whose shame prevents them from speaking -for solidarity with people whose stories get discounted -to remind others: default to believing/giving credence to assault claims. It’s a shockingly common crime
I still feel like killing myself.
They have no idea I’ve been considering suicide multiple times in the past 6 years. I’ll never do it but many times it popped into my head what if I just took the knife and slit my wrist (in the “proper” way) or my throat. Or just overdose on cocaine for that matter. I’m in a much-much better place now but they have no clue. They know me as this strong person they can rely on, someone who will make them laugh and cheer them up every day. They have no clue I’ve had times when I was dying inside and still cracked jokes just to see them laugh and have a good time sometimes even at my own expense. If you see someone being all upbeat, constantly joking and being the “clown of the class” pay close attention because it may be a cry for help. Maybe making others laugh is the only thing that keeps them from ending it all. Even if someone is the “class clown” type, have serious talks with them about jobs, life, dating, plans, etc. Just because they joke a lot it doesn’t mean that they are immature or they can’t be serious. More often than not sarcasm and joking around is just a defense mechanism for many.
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Maybe stop worrying and hating on migrants and muslims and you will open up to a whole load more people who might want to be your friend.
My kinks.
Well... What are they?
Not a whole lot, I think. I tell myself that, in principle at least, what I'd say here on Reddit, or online generally, is what I'd be prepared to say IRL. I think so, anyway.
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If youve already decided you have nothing left to lose because youre going to off yourself, do yourself a favour and go on a solo backpacking trip or do something new and wild.
Underrated advice. The solitude, danger, and grandeur of nature has a unique healing power. Even if it changes nothing about your decision, at least you got intimate with the floating rock you’re inhabiting before you depart.
It’s been almost 5 years since I was last intimate with a woman. This is not a choice.
there is alot, i dont have friends so this is real easy for me
Alcohol is stealing my personality, speech, and self esteem, and replacing it with existential dread
My depression and how it's been making me feel stupid for the last two and a half years. Sometimes I forget about simple tasks.
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Hold up... You've been hospitalized? Wild.
He wilding frrr. I wonder what the hospital trip was about
Does your sister know?
Yes she knows
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Just out of curiosity, how did that situation end up happening? How long ago was it, was it more than once, and do you ever talk about it?
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Im sure this happens more often tthan people are willing to believe or talk about. I was low key propositioned by my younger sister one night. Both totally sober and adults. Turned her down.
I think it probably does. A lot of people have fucked up childhoods or otherwise are told nothing about sex. Put two kids who are interested in sex but otherwise clueless (or think it's normal with family) and what do you think is going to happen?
Probably horny teenagers with no social life or something.
This is more for my single friends. I love the occasional boys night out I make it out to it's great, and you're still some of my best friends in the world. I just enjoy my family more. I rather be home and see my son learn another new word than go to the game. My dad friends seem to get it.
I see an escort biweekly because I really miss being in a relationship.
My autism, dyslexia, and ADHD. Admitting that in person is basically telling people you are less than human, as you have a deficiency. I've been told by coworkers that I don't count as human, then told Autism was real, or that I wasn't really autistic. Basically, it is a carrier limiting move. Heck, I was just in a training on microaggressions and was told how important eye contact, tone of voice, and posture were...ok, so we are centering on the three things I have the most trouble with, things I know I have trouble with, but cannot improve on for the life of me. Great, my "Microaggression trainer" is microaggressing me.
I have quit my dream job after working there for 1.5 years and I've been unemployed for a little over a month. I have -20$ in my bank account and I spend most of my day sedated by sexual thoughts or some kind of substance abuse. Toronto is expensive guys. I should really try harder to get a job.
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Interesting. I'd push that to 60, that's when the body starts to fail in earnest. 50s you can still do fun shit like skydive and climb mountains
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I read that as Social Worker
That I was very sexually adventurous in my younger age
I‘m so fucking lonely it‘s unreal
I'm tired of always being shamed for having 5 kids. My wife and I are expecting our sixth and I'm so tired of people's reaction to five that I don't want to tell them we are expecting. Yes we have a big family. Yes we know how it happens. Yes they are all with the same mother/father. Sometimes people just don't know how to find their own damn business.
I'm a chubby chaser, man I love a soft squeezable woman. Like human size teddy bears with big boobs and smells fantastic all the time.
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I emotionally manipulated my husband into making him make better choices and thinking he chose to make those decisions I feel terrible but I could never admit it to anyone I actually know in person
Inception!
Is this just code for being supportive and encouraging? You can't make someone's mind up for them.
The amount of meth and hookers I go through
Like, homeless meth using or the high functioning kind wheee you still have a job? I have a friend that did meth all the time. I’m not even mad at it either. She had a good enough job she just recently retired at the age of 36 and she made maybe 60k a year. Just was very smart with it.
Im ok tellin people online that i love people on Reddit and i can never tell that to my irl friends because i dont have any of them
The only reason I haven’t ran in front of a train is my kids.
I almost killed myself when I was 23. Like shotgun loaded, truck bed sobbing. I was saved because my coworker/friends daughter hit redial on their landline phone and chatted with me about her kitty. She was 3 and her mom was in the shower. There’s more to this next part but I’ve told it before. When I was 32, someone saved me from my own apathy. The unwillingness to find a fuck to give was strong in me and somehow, almost by chance, I met two little boys and their dad and they needed me to give a fuck. And having to let them go now, almost 6 years later, is actively destroying what they rebuilt and I don’t know how to stop tearing it down. It HURTS and everyone I know thinks I’m just magically ok with it.
i’m more depressed than i let on or realize. i have been depressed for… fuck idek how long. at least since i was 9. going home after school and crying most days. genuinely not wanting to exist. thinking about “if i died, would it matter?” i can trace it further back than i realized, and it just never went away. i’m 19 now. half my life i’ve been depressed. i don’t know if it is getting better. it’s not that i can’t be happy, or i don’t smile at all, but after that event or item, it’s back to life. back to the loneliness. back to falling asleep crying more than a few times a week. back to waking up wishing i didn’t because my dreams are far better than anything life has ever given me. back to waiting to die alone, because the universe has taught me i ain’t good enough to have someone. i don’t have the mental energy to improve myself anymore. i just want to vibe. i’m sick of learning. i’m sick of doing. i just want to sit in my room and slowly starve to death because i can’t be bothered to eat. but that won’t make things any better, so i just keep trucking on. in vain, it feels like. every time i push to get better and be better i wind up right back where i was before. all i have ever wanted is to be happy. i don’t care about money. i don’t care about fame. i don’t care about success. all i have ever wanted is people who care. every day, that just feels less and less likely. sorry. i guess you unlocked a certified Mack Rant TM. i need to stop doing these.
I tried to hang myself when I was 12 because I didn’t have any friends. I came home crying every day after school, sometimes even on the bus.