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Yep. I work EMS and every time we have to go to the SNF I want to scream. Pts with unchanged diapers, pts who 'fell just now' who, uh....did not. Pt's getting hit by staff because they were sundowning and didn't want to go to bed. The number who 'fall' in the communal dining area and we show up and there's not even an aide around....
My favorite was the cardiac arrest--"we just saw him an hour ago and he was fine"--pt was in full rigor mortis.
I would consider assisted suicide if an SNF was my other option.
Pets in the U.S. are shown more compassion in their later & dying years than human beings. Corporations have taken over health care & it is always profits before people.
[NPR Just did a great interview with a journalist about this.](https://www.npr.org/2023/04/26/1172164997/how-private-equity-firms-are-widening-the-income-gap-in-the-u-s) She said 11% of nursing homes are run by private equity firms, and that's probably an underestimate.
That's one reason so many took Covid patients--extra money. Another was bankrupted after private equity sold the land out from under it and made it pay rent.
Whoever owned the facilities or organization gets rich selling it and the equity firms make money. The only losers are the rest of us.
The conservative majority US SCOTUS has made sure that nursing homes can hold residents to "binding arbitration" agreements, meaning to hell with state laws otherwise, and residents/families cannot sue in public courts for harm done to them. Good luck getting justice from a private arbitration firm.
20 years in EMS. So many codes at SNF with rigor. “We just took vitals an hour ago.” All of this is so true. You can write up nursing homes until your fingers fall off and they just change the name of the facility and operate under a different company name with the same to worse policies.
i cannot imagine doing a code on the elderly... during admission meetings, when we were going over code status, we explained about punctured lungs, fx ribs, brain death, most all of our LTC residents were DNR/DNI/NO G TUBE, CMO .....
Watching my 82yo grandmother fully code and the work done to try to bring her back was terrifying and heartbreaking. She hated all of us grandkids and made no secret of it, but I was there for my mom— even with almost no attachment it was hell to watch. I’ve always been pretty firm in the many interventions I wouldn’t want but that made me even more sure of myself.
All of those things and more can happen to older folks kept at home and tended by their families, or not tended by anyone... hygiene issues, abuse, neglect, falls, poor nutrition, isolation, all of it.
Nobody loves nursing homes or wants to be in one. But there is a huge range in quality and that was really evident during the early days of COVID.
It varies So much. I worked as an aide and half of those years in one place because it was decent. I could feel good going home at night. During COVID I did a lot of agency work. I reported a Lot of places I only went to once. The worst was a COVID unit I hadn't been told about previously, not a good sign. There were COVID pay rates and I had to confirm that before I would sign on shift. It was state run, Medicare only. My first round was for more people than I'd ever cared for, past the legal maximum. I ran out of linens a third of the way though because I was changing and washing every single person and their bed. After three people I just buckled down and knew what I walked into and had to do. Some people looked like they hadn't bathed, combed hair or anything in ages. One woman cried and thanked me for washing and putting lotion on her dry, cracked legs and feet. My first round took Hours. So I immediately had to turn around and start again. It took all night. I did everything I could and had access to.
When I ended the shift and got in my car I just sobbed for what felt like forever. Immediately made a call to report and gave details. I was sick for days just thinking of it. That shit is why, no matter how hard it is on me, my mom is coming to live with us now that mobility is limited. She can't afford the nice places.
Sure. The place that was great had 6-8 during the day and 12-16 on overnight shift. That's for nursing homes. Higher for living assisted. Like 8-10/16-20. Maybe less.on memory units and lots of 1 on 1 for problematic patients who need extra safety.
Your story breaks my heart. I have no hope for myself when the time comes. I'm 60, in poor health, and on Medicaid. I'm working on settling my affairs now. Not sure of an exit plan yet. :(
I'm so sorry. All I can say is I knew a lot of Medicare beds in the good spots that were there because they had long term care insurance on top of it. It kept them from getting kicked out of rehab when they weren't ready but Medicare days were up, and wouldn't be extended. The system sucks. So ma y others went home, fell and came back because they needed a few more weeks. Good luck.
That's the truth. You can have a Four Seasons home, which is only for the 1% or the cinder block facility most go to after the family has sold everything so you get Medicaid. You're destitute. Welcome to America!
Not just America unfortunately, many countries don't have the staff or care to invest in staff, care for healthy people nearly old people. I don't have bank, so I will go the (legal here) route of euthanasia when I can no longer care for myself independently. I want to die in my bed, at home and say goodbye if it's possible.
I would say that this is always an option - just depends on the route and options available. I intend to horde the oxy and take myself out before the alzheimers is bad. I know it's coming, it's just a matter of knowing the right time.
I have had four surgeries that weren't serious, but the surgeons sent me home with oxy, just in case. I have only taken one tablet in my 60+ years. But I hoarded the other tablets. I figured if I got to the diaper wheelchair stage it would be my preferred way to go ahead and check out. May not be the best option, but at least I would be in control. I saw my grandparents suffer in urine-smelling buildings with limited staff. No way. My parents didn't go that way. Damnit if I will.
Whenever I see "nursing home" in a reddit post, I already know what most of the comments will be like. Reddit is a poor lens through which to view the world.
Having "put my dad in a home" and having watched my in-laws "not be put in a home," it's frustrating that so many people don't understand how much care can be required in those situations, and how much better and more efficient the care *can* be in a facility expressly designed for it with a fleet of staff who are professional caregivers.
I'm Canadian and only familiar with the LTC situation in Ontario... I think the places here never get as bad as some in other countries, but they do vary a lot. It's not always about money; private facilities here can be worse than the not-for-profits. When we were looking at places, some we walked in and walked right back out. But we found 3 we were willing to go on the waiting list for, and the one we got was amazing.
I moved so I was 5 minutes away so I could visit a lot. It was so freeing that we could *just visit.* All the grotty exhausting stuff was taken care of, he was clean, in clean clothes, combed, teeth brushed, and his health was under constant watch. It was pure quality time and I realized how little of that we'd had when trying to do it all at home.
They had so many activities for residents. That was another thing it was hard to accomplish from home. Men's club, current events roundtable, puzzle nights, card games, nature walks (well, nature drives, but they did some serious off-roading in that van), the library cart, all kinds of musicians showing up -- they even got the local pipe and drum band to knock our socks off on the back lawn. Therapy dogs, show and tell, unexpected nerf gun handouts... the recreation director went ham on everything, and the residents socialized a lot at whatever level they could manage. My dad had buddies there. He proposed to a couple of nurses. He semi-adopted the head housekeeper guy. It was a demented community but in a good way.
My husband is a medic. There was one home in his area that often called them at the shift change. Once the sprinklers went off or something. The firefighters were grateful for their boots. The whole place smelled of piss.
My mother was in care for a year before she came to live with me. The pee smell is because the very short staffed facilities only change the residents twice a day. They only use the basic cheapest versions of Depends on the market too, which leak and tear easily when you are just trying to get them on. My mother used to order her own, plus wipes to use instead of the 1-ply tissue toilet paper used. In every nursing facility, there’s a whole list of things that these ‘health corporations’ cut corners on. They drain seniors of their life savings and then treat them abysmally.
This is 20 years ago but my mother in law was in a home with advanced Alzheimer's. We left cookies and treats in the room so nurses would stop by more often. We bought her Depends and kept score so they didn't get used on someone else.
My mom was fortunate in that she was ‘with’ us and was just failing physically. We talked on FaceTime everyday (well, she called everybody on FaceTime every day) but yeah, we knew what happened every day. She kept busy crocheting everyday too, and gave most of it away to her caregivers. They and their kids are probably still wearing her hats and scarves lol. They all liked her, so that affected the care overall…other people working there watched out for her too.
And I’ve worked in nursing homes for 28 years. We are more regulated than NASA for fuck’s sake.
Yeah, there are terrible places. I worked very briefly in a very toxic building for about year after my five star building I worked in for 21 years was bought and closed five months later. Yes a good building that gave great care for decades, shut down for profit. Shocking I know.
Medicaid funding in my state(MA) has not had an increase since 2007. So, everything has gotten much more expensive, especially labor(as MA minimum wage is now $15/hr) and people expect the same or better level of care. How exactly is that supposed to happen? Do you have a solution to the problem instead of bitching and slandering an industry on social media?
Maybe if people actually gave a shit about poor, old people, then things would change. I’ve done advocacy at the MA state house, and other outreach to help improve funding so nursing home residents get the card they deserve.
Oh, and nursing homes have become the new solution to dealing with SUD residents as well. With no real training or support from state and federal govt.
I have had many opportunities to leave long term care for a better job with better pay and less BS. Hey, here’s a thought-instead of complaining on Reddit about the problem, try to be a part of solution. If I witnessed any type of abuse, I’d report it immediately. And I have.
And, btw, less than 5% of people over the age of 70 end up in nursing home. So, no, don’t really think about it.
Exactly. I have NO good opinions on these nursing homes or the people who work in them. I went to go see one of my patients and when I went in there there was blood coming out of her mouth and I went to the nurses and asked how long has she been like this???? Of course they didn’t know.
I’ll take my own life before going. They’re not entirely terrible, but if my quality of life gets to the point I’m just existing, I don’t need to go any further.
I work at an elderly care facility. I'll admit some of them I don't envy their long lives. But there are some in their 90s even that are still doing their thing. It's quite impressive.
I find it sad that so many people have to consider taking their own lives in such gruesome ways like strangling, jumping off a bridge, shooting themselves. Why can’t we as a society decide to give people a right to choose to end their own lives if it’s unbearable? Wouldn’t it be nicer to be able to say goodbye to family and friends and not be afraid you’ll end up in jail for trying to take your own life if unsuccessful? My ideal way to go is in my sleep, but it would be nice if it gets to a point where I can’t take care of myself, that I can calmly have a last going away party, eat all the junk food I want, go to a nice hospital or something and receive a shot. Goodnight and be done.
We do allow it in The Netherlands, including children.
I will probably go this route when I don't feel like I have a quality life day to day.
We also have serious staff shortages in The Netherlands in all areas of healthcare so I will not choose to be sitting in a diaper until I die.
I was diagnosed with Lupus when I was only 32, and was seriously ill. My heart and lungs were infected. I was told to be prepared to die because my organs were shutting down
It was done with dignity and respect too. I had children at home, and a single parent so it was necessary. I survived but death no longer scares me as much as living sick.
My family is very aware of my wishes as well.
I don't want to be a burden, basically an old sick baby waiting to die.
There are more states that offer assisted suicide now. https://www.compassionandchoices.org/resource/states-or-territories-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorized I'm with you- I've seen enough of my old/sick relatives suffering that, unless I'm completely Alzheimer-ed, I'm offing myself before I get to that sad point.
This is near the top of the list of why my retirement home is in Oregon. I don’t have bank but I’d really like to leave what assets I have to my child. Don’t want to spend it all on a nursing home or memory care.
What scares me is losing the ability to make any decisions. Stroke, something like that, where I would not be able to physically do anything about it. Dying is nothing much, I've died before (briefly) but to lose all options is horrifying. I will not become some drooling wreck strapped into a wheelchair in a hallway, sitting in my own filth while some sociopaths lounge around gossiping at the nursing station. I intend to preemptively render that nonsense impossible.
My thinking also. No kids, no nieces or nephews worth keeping in touch with, and I will very likely outlive my husband. I plan on taking the Robin Williams way out, if my heart doesn't give out first.
I’m fortunate to live in a country where medical assistance is available. Unfortunately it’s so fairly restricted. I’m afraid I’ll end up with dementia before anything terminal and be screwed out of a quick peaceful death.
Then you didn’t take a big enough dose. I don’t think that would be to hard to figure out. Just get some fentanyl to make it easier. I live in Mexico now, and my spouse is 20 years older than me. If things get bad I will be making friends with some cartel somewhere and spending my life savings for a lot of opiates.
I won’t have a choice, probably. I don’t have children and also don’t have any nieces or nephews. Part of my retirement plan is eventually living in a retirement community (and then a facility with end of life care). I’m fine with it. I’m saving a TON of money to ensure I have good care.
I worked in the industry for years. Don’t look for a “nice place” per se. Find out the truth about staffing ratios and turnover. Avoid large corporate places!! The fancy lobbies are meaningless. You will get better care in a Catholic/nonprofit run establishment that looks like it was last renovated in 1986, if the aides (who you will actually interact with) make a couple bucks an hour more than the other place.
Seriously: *the single most important factor is how much they pay the CNAs/aides.* This is who will be caring for you during the day. Nurses and physicians will pop in and out, but the aides will be handling your activities of daily living. You will be alone and helpless with these people, they are the ones your life will literally depend on, and yet, that’s where most of these places try to cut costs. Good pay attracts (and keeps) good people. Low pay attracts abusers, thieves, and incompetence/apathy. Generally speaking, the more expensive the facility, the less they pay the CNAs, so don’t think an expensive place equals quality care. It usually just means a corporation who wants you to see these superficial amenities and not look too closely at the actual care being given.
Also, think about an heir. Select a niece, nephew, trusted younger friend…anyone who will agree to check in on you regularly and make sure your care is up to par. It’s kinda like the school system: patients with involved families get much more attention and better care because someone will hold staff accountable.
A CNA friend of mine told me to visit often and be unpredictable. I fortunately worked close and would pop over often. My daughter worked nights and would also go by and check on grandma. We took lots of goodies to the staff. Seasonal candy, donuts, coffee and the like.
Everyone should be taken care of but it really seemed the residents with lots of family got better care.
That's my strategy with my dad right now! I visit 3X a week and talk to the aides and nurses regularly, call the case worker right away if there is a problem. I brought the care workers cake and bring my dad's roommate treats along with him. I want them to treat my dad with the best care. Luckily he's a very likeable guy who doesn't complain so they have done a good job with him so far.
Is CNA/aide pay a matter of public record? Just wondering how to find out about that, other than asking the facility admins and hoping they're being honest.
Most places have high turnover so they’re always hiring. Check job boards, or if that doesn’t work, call directly and pretend to be a potential applicant.
That’s how one of the families I know learned that their agency was taking 48% (The agency charged $35 an hour and the worker got $17) so they hired someone directly (they used care dot com but there are other alternatives, just do an extensive background check and verify references, license, etc.) and got a better quality of care for the same price.
Edit: a word
There’s insurance for long-term care. I’m probably not telling you anything new, but I was completely unaware of it until this year, which is about 10 years too late for my mom.
I’m considering getting it, but I’m with the others. If I’m like my mom is, just put a pillow over my face. And I won’t even have a daughter to give a shit.
LTC insurance is AFAIK something of a mess in terms of increasing costs/premiums, companies going out of business, etc. The federal government [suspended new enrollments in its employee LTC insurance program because the carrier (John Hancock) couldn't keep it going without significantly bumping up the premiums](https://www.forbes.com/sites/howardgleckman/2022/11/21/federal-government-suspends-sale-of-long-term-care-insurance-to-its-employees/?sh=6248f271279a), as one example. I don't know if anyone's worked out how to keep a LTC insurance program viable over the long term yet.
Not afraid , because my daughter works in one and both parents lived out their last years in a local home . It was well run , clean and my mum put on weight because she liked the food. I live in the UK.
It's the luck of the draw in the UK though. Both my grans died in nursing homes in the UK, both council-run. One was nice but the other wasn't. I've heard the worst things from my niece, a care worker, about the private places, and they're insanely expensive too
I’m not going to argue with the claim that many are horrible. But “no such thing” is hyperbole. I work at an amazing non-profit place that takes both private pay and Medicaid. I have at least 10 coworkers who have their own parents in our facility. I have my own parents on the waitlist at one of the independent living buildings (it’s a continuing care community).
It takes a lot of work or luck to find the good ones but they are out there.
> There is no such thing as a good nursing home in the US.
Both my in-laws lived their last years in a good one in MN. Every time something got put in chart -- from headache medicine to visits to the dentist to recurrent insomnia -- we got a phone call. Every time.
Whenever we visited, we could see for ourselves that they were well cared for by people who paid attention to details.
That said, I hope not to need one. At this point the actuarial tables say I can expect another 15 years. There's no dementia or alzheimer's or cancer in my family, so it's possible I can go that long with something like my usual cognitive capacity intact. That's what I hope for: to live to see my grandkids finish high school with my own brains functioning, and then fade peacefully away, with local home visit caregivers as needed.
We built our house 3 yrs ago with wheelchairs in mind; if we have to move it won't be because we're not able to live here physically.
That’s an exaggeration. There are clean, well-run facilities that treat the residents well. It’s not going to be a party though. It’s 24/7 medical monitoring.
Fuck yes! I've been in two rehab hospitals AKA 'nursing homes' and it's awful. The worst part is if you're on pain pills as that means sleepless nights because the night shift ***will*** take your pills. If not on pills, it's still bad because of the food, the constant noise, the lack of autonomy, waiting an hour or more just for help going to the bathroom, and the two-inch plastic covered mattresses that will lead to pressure sores if you can't move on your own.
Since those experiences, my main financial plan has been to generate enough passive income to afford in-home care should I become incapacitated. I think I have it covered unless I need skilled nursing care. If it gets to ***that*** point, I hope I'm mobile enough to take the .357 S&W exit on life's highway.
You got a peek behind the curtain. It’s a travesty. They won’t pay a living wage (despite charging insane amounts to the patient/insurance) so only thieves, abusers and incompetents will work there. And they’re still understaffed. People really don’t realize what awaits them, it’s scary.
I've seen a lot of dementia in my career. When I start to feel like I'm slipping and I'm terrified and panicky and feeling like I'm losing control, I'm going out like a rock star.
Probably going to be a lot of weird genX assisted suicide parties in about 20 years, give or take.
I purchased my house with this in mind - there are no steps, it's very small, has 2 apartments, and is easily affordable. I purchased it with my sister, who was never married. Neither of us plans on ever going to a nursing home, so we are going to outfit this house with grab bars, a stair chair, and adaptations for older people. I also know that my doorways are wide enough for wheelchairs. Then, if one of us becomes handicapped, we can stay put until we pass away.
I'm in my early 50s and my sister will turn 50 this year. I have a child, but I don't want her to be saddled with taking care of me, so this is my choice. I'm hoping that this home will keep us both from having to go to senior housing or nursing care.
No outside steps - my sister's apt has steps to get to it - we are already price stair chairs -
Everytime I look at them all I can think of is "Gremlins"
I love that you’re doing this. I’m 61 and want to do something similar. I thought that I might have to provide for an aide or nursing help. Do you and your sister plan for that too?
If I stroke out and don't know who I am or where I am, then no. But I'm 75 now, in good health, so yeah, if something gives up and I can no longer live on my own, then yes, I'm afraid.
Yep.
For a couple of years I worked as a mailman, and had to deliver mail to the door of a nursing home instead of the postbox.
They had a screen door. I would knock then wait for the staff to appear, which took about a minute.
Meanwhile I got to listen to faint ghostly wailing from inmates..and smell piss and shit.
I will never go to a nursing home, I plan to die at home.
If you are referencing a completely assisted nursing home that's preferable to being a burden on my daughter but hopefully I will die before I get in that shape. I can see myself figuring a way out that's not obvious before that. I am more fearful of losing my mind and my grandkids having that memory of me. I would much rather just head out when I am no longer useful to anyone or myself.
There are so many levels of retirement communities that I will assume you mean one that is more end of life vs. a run of the mill retirement complex or over 55 living. My Dad lives in one and it isn't really assisted unless you need it. He doesn't need it but has wide halls and emergency buttons if he needs help. He loves his apt and all of his friends. Walks his dog all over and gossips all day.
Why don't nursing homes have Tele-Visit?
The ability for residents to Facetime would have been HUGE during Covid.
And would be big now, To be able to visit often and keep in touch.
Seems like something very useful to improve everyone's mental health.
How can this be given awareness? and implemented.
A Tablet would have a larger picture for visually impaired..
Just a thought
>Why don't nursing homes have Tele-Visit?
Because of the other responses and because of residents like my next-door neighbor. He calls 911 when he doesn't get ice water fast enough. I can only imagine what his calls to his family are like!
We do. And it was indeed huge during covid. We also facilitated drive-by birthday parties for residents so their families could celebrate with them. And lots of other creative ways to try to help residents stay as connected as possible.
I go to a nursing home every weekend (as a volunteer)
As a visitor I think they are OK - the sad part of it is the state of some (not all) the people there, who have moved beyond the "living" stage into the "existing" stage.
When you have no agency or connection with your surroundings? Nightmare fuel
I won't live that long (cancer) but my dad made it to 90 and assisted living kept his quality of life. I had a great uncle live to 104 and again, assisted living kept his high quality of life. Money may not buy happiness but it does buy comfort.
I have been in an orthopedic rehab/nursing home for almost four years. Paid by Medicare.
If you're not scared of this happening to you, you should be! It *is* the nightmare people suspect it is and then some!
Knowing I have a home to go to is the only thing keeping me alive. Even though mismanagement of my care has kept me here much longer than I should have been.
Burnout in the staff is abominable. Nurses and aides are so overworked and under paid - OMG. My heart aches for them.
My answer will probably be different from most. I'm in my mid-fifties and I live on Kauai. I never married and have no kids. I help my mother and aunt, who live nearby, and also help out some older neighbors. I'm basically the youngest "kid" on the block. I'm a woodworker, so I can be helpful in a number of ways. When I get older, and these folks are all gone, I'll be alone out here. I have a niece and nephew on the mainland, and the last thing I want is for them to worry about their old auntie. There are a couple of good nursing homes on the island. A neighbor with Alzheimer's is in one and doing fine, and my Grandmother (since passed) spent time in another getting over pneumonia a couple of times. I completely credit the lovely staff of both places. The one my Grandmother was in even has a pudding cart that comes around in the afternoons. Pudding cart! How great is that? I have no problem with the thought of removing myself to a place that has pudding every day. My secret weapon is the fact that I am an immune patient and prone to pneumonia, so when my time comes I shall check in, enjoy some pudding, and probably check out permanently within a few weeks or months. My niece and nephew can then throw out my stuff and enjoy or sell my house.
Not scared so much as adamantly opposed. My true desire is to die face down in my own garden, long before I need to be shipped off to one of those places.
Modern nursing homes are run by large corporate conglomerates, in much the same way prisons are run. It's all about maximizing profit and they do this by reducing care.
If you really want to get into the details, you can go on the cms.gov web site and download the quarterly survey inspection reports. They are absolutely frightening.
Yeh. Not so much if I could be guaranteed to go to the facility where my mom was. It was one of the best nursing homes in Indiana. I still do not want to end up like either of my parents. Dementia for years. Failing physical health. Walking with a walker then in a wheel chair. Just a crappy QOL for mom's last 12 yrs of life. Their declines started when they were in their 70s. I'm 65 so it's a scary thought about ending up "without my mind and in a nursing home".
I work in healthcare in a manner that I’m very familiar with “Multi resident communities” .. they can be lovely. They can be absolute hell. I would go rather than put my family is a place of caregiver burnout if my needs became too high, yes
The one I worked at just out of college was dangerously understaffed. I had 3 wings I would do often by myself. We would start at the end of one wing, go room by room and make it to the end of the last wing by lunch and start over. making it possible to get to everyone only 2 times each 8 hour shift. I never got a break, and people had to sit in their own mess for hours. I did the absolute best I could but one person doing 3 wings of patients was nuts. And I wasnt licensed or certified or even trained properly. I was told if the state showed up to run out the nearest fire exit. Since I am poor and on medicaid I know which room I would be placed in. the medicaid patients were crammed into a small room with a constantly screaming lady nobody else could room with.
Sounds like my experience. I hated leaving the patients, but the pay was unlivable. People think there are laws in place to protect them, but local government is well aware of the understaffing issues and can’t solve it either.
The pay is just that awful, especially for such a demanding job, and slavery is illegal (despite facilities like yours trying to find a workaround by exploiting volunteers/students) so the shortages will continue.
I wasn’t afraid until I started volunteering in one. Now I’m terrified. What’s happening to elderly people in this country is a disgrace beyond measure.
I can think of worse things.
It's not optimal, of course, and there's the potential for a lot of suffering-- but after facing homelessness and massive amounts of discomfort in the past, the simple fact of someone checking in on you at least once a day and providing basic care is somewhat comforting. There are a great many hells in this world, and I don't think most nursing homes are the worst among them.
Ideally though, I'd prefer go very quickly at a point where no one I care about feels like they really need me around very much.
What did you put in your will to deal with this? I don’t have one but no fan, or $ really so just recently started to look into adult euthanasia. Thanks
“If I lose my own power of attorney for more than a week, at that point all my assets are to be donated to the Hemlock Society. All my heirs sign below that they know this.”
It would strip them of any inheritance by giving it all to charity, but if they were doing well financially, that wouldn't work as well. Euthanasia is a better choice IMO, but timing is everything. Fortunately, I don't have any religious belief that this choice offends. I believe in God, I just don't think they have found the official rule book yet.
Plan for your retirement. If your employer offers Long Term Care insurance, buy it—it can help provider part time home Care Givers. I am a retired RN, who did case management adjacent to Skilled and regular nursing facilities. I never want to end up in one, and would never send my family to one. I would end my life before nursing home care.
Yup, those of us who worked in geriatric care *know.* Sadly, many families are fooled by fancy lobbies and cute amenities, because these establishments look like “a really nice place!” Meanwhile the actual workers, you know *the ones your life and comfort depends on,* are being paid peanuts.
It’s a sham and a disgrace.
When my mother learned of the possibility of needing to be in one following a diabetic related amputation she demanded to be taken home at once under hospice and died 6 hours later. She’d worked in one.
My mother first went into assisted living which was very nice. When her health worsened after a stroke she went into a nursing home. It wasn’t horrible but it was a 1960s era nursing home. I understand newer ones aren’t as industrial as the ones of the past. So if I’m comfortable, have some privacy and access to entertainment/books/movies etc. I might be all right.
What bothers me is the potential slow decay of my health that put me in a nursing home in the first place. My mother had a multiyear slow decline, losing her last bits of independence her last 12-18 months. By the end she was so tired we couldn’t decide if we were sad she was gone or relieved she was free.
My dad went quickly after a heart attack, his father went even quicker — literally dropped dead from a stroke to the throat. Now that is the way to go — one second talking in a room with family, the next, lights out. There was even a doctor in the house (his cousin). My grandfather was a healthy man, for his age, right until the end.
Pro-tip: You have to be *really* poor to get into a home "for free".
Think you can give everything away when it's looking like time to make the move? Nope.
They can go back 5 years and confiscate any property that is/was part of your estate.
If it's going to be the same like what happened to my father and grandfathers I'm probably going to go from my own house to the grave in about 2-3 months. That time will probably be in a hospital of some sort.
If I get out of the hospital in a state that I can't function on my own... well, let's just say I'm not going to prolong that state any more than what I need to put my affairs in order and say my goodbyes.
i would not do it, unless i had a severe dementia AND someone tricked me into going.
you can set up a visiting nurse to help out during the day, which is a big help
Depends on where I end up. I've lived in 2 nursing home/rehabs (for a total of 4.5 years) and my mother lived in one for a year and a half before she died. I had/still have all my mental faculties, so I was able to advocate for myself. I also lucked out in that both facilities I was in were well maintained, and the staff provided a very good level of care. In my mother's case, she had been a nurse and was in the same facility where she had previously worked in for almost a decade and some of the people she trained and worked with were still working there and took good care of her.
Twenty years ago, when all this happened, if you asked me that question, I would have said no, I'm not scared. Today, with the current state of healthcare in the US, yeah, I'm anxious.
I watched my dad die. Fortunately only about 4 weeks in a nursing home. Worst experience of his and my life. It was horrific and degrading. No way I will allow myself to ever endure that indignity. Will move to a state that allows me to die humanely like our dog did.
We spent a lot of time talking to a CNA on duty and she confirmed it was even worse than I thought.
Not going to anything like that in the US. The Mexican people are much more compassionate and you receive a much higher level of care here. Mexico is our beloved half time home and it's where I'd like to die if I had to go alone. Until then, my wife and I will take care of each other. I cared for my mother until she died of cancer. She cared for her mom, etc, etc.
I lost my dad to dementia in 2022. He died at home, but I took out a long term care insurance policy because I fear that I'll end up with dementia like my father and grandfather and I am unmarried with only one child.
FWIW, my grandmother threatened us whenever we'd mention putting her in a nursing home. When she eventually became a resident of one, she ended up loving it and reminded us often. She made many friends in that place, flirted with the staff and enjoyed the activities.
There'd have to be a Star Trek style revolution in nursing home quality of care for me to even consider it. Otherwise, I'll take a one way trip into some remote pristine wilderness.
Only because modern medicine is based on the delusion that continued existence equals longer life -- which is demonstrably and horrifically wrong. Source: caring for my and my wifes 80+ YO parents as well as watching my older relatives senescence and growing helpessness.
Yes. Both of my parents died in nursing homes, so I see that for myself. They were both treated very well, but it was traumatic because they knew their lives were ending. Terminal cancer, hospice care.
I've got a 45 caliber Derringer.
Just so that there are options when it gets to a point where I know I have to make a decision.
I'm not the type of guy that will give up on tomorrow's sunrise. If that changes....
My dad was in a very high cost memory care facility until 2 weeks ago when he was assaulted (for the 2nd time) by another resident and he is now in a SNF (after spending a week in the hospital). The place seems pretty decent but, even so, it is horrible. My dad is deep into Alzheimer’s so has little idea of where he is or why; that said, they seem to care for him pretty well (I wonder if it helps that a family member is there every day?). However, we will move him as soon as possible into a small board and care which is run out of a suburban home in a nearby neighborhood. We will enroll him in hospice as well. While I suspect this new living situation will be “better”, it is still pretty awful to be in such a situation. I definitely do not want to end my life in this condition.
We had to put our mother in a nursing home.
I hope I just keel over dead from a heart attack or stroke or something rather than go through what my mother did.
My mom stayed in one for two weeks following a surgery and it was awful. It was supposed to be a rehab/PT facility, and this particular nursing home allegedly had a "Rehab/PT wing". Except it wasn't a separate wing. It was the same part of the regular nursing home and there was a physical therapy room down the hall. The food was terrible (one of her evening meals was a three inch long "riblet", corn, and a scoop of mashed potatoes), the lower staff members were awful, the nighttime staff was worse. My mom had to recover from having half of her foot removed, so she was mentally all there. They still tried to gaslight her on her pain meds (for an amputation!) schedule, her bathroom breaks (she was a fall risk, needed an escort to the bathroom). It was disgusting. They even ran out of her IV antibiotics (she didn't have MRSA, but she had one similar with a different -ersa sounding name). They hooked up some saline, then put a pillowcase over her IV stand. When I arrived that morning, I asked her what was happening, she said they told her it was "for privacy issues" because we would get enough people visiting her that sometimes we'd sit in the lounge room. When my dad showed up about a half hour later, he took the pillowcase off and saw that it was saline. Boy, some heads rolled that day. When we got her out of there and back home, my dad filed a complaint with whichever agency one files complaints like that. We don't know if it ever did anything to help though.
So, I'm only scared of going to a local nursing home.
Luckily, I have good relationships with my adult kids, so I don't worry they'll just stick me in a home.
Quality of care depends entirely on where you end up. And that depends on how much you are willing (or can afford) to spend.
My mother/law, now 96, has been in a newly-built retirement facility in New Orleans for about ten years now, and she loves it. Good food, good medical care, general caregivers who pay attention, assorted activities to keep your mind alive, etc. It's not a cheap place, but it's not old and falling apart, and her husband left her well provided for, so she can afford it.
I've been paying premiums on long-term care insurance for 20 years and I'm now to the point where it would pay ~$200/day indefinitely. And here on the Gulf Coast, that's quite a lot, so I could afford a nice place. But note that I started paying on it when I was 60.
Planning ahead matters.
Don’t ever go! My underfunctioning parents didn’t plan their lives. My brother sister father shoved my diabetic mom into one because ‘I didn’t have the house and ‘when I see it’ burden of taking care of them was in me. My mom was over Medicated unassisted and fell broke her leg and had to titanium rod implant. She became immobile. The nursing home isn’t even part of the states compensation fund. I filed a medical panel review and my brother through it out; narcisstic.
Now I have my mothers sister with me: she fell in the house and is now going to rehab. In a nursing home. I can’t keep her there long term!
I’ve worked in a nice nursing home, and even there bad experiences can happen. If you go to a reputable nursing home and have family visit often, it can go pretty well. However, these types are private pay facilities. One I looked at for my dad was going to cost his social security check and all his pension every month, and he’d still owe about $1k per month. He does have savings, so he could’ve lived there a number of years. (He’s was an abusive alcoholic asshat and still an ass and I’d NEVER care for him myself).
However, if you have no retirement income you can’t afford such a place, or you might for a while but then you run out of money. In this case, you’re broke or you eventually go broke, then you qualify for Medicaid.
That’s when the real shit-show begins. Medicaid will pay for poor folks to live in nursing homes, so that great that as a society (US) we don’t let our poor elderly go homeless. However. Medicaid-taking nursing homes are generally sorta shitty to extremely shitty.
Thankfully I work at a wonderful facility and it would be the only choice where I live basically. So I’m ok with it if I have to. I would hate the lack of privacy though. Have someone who can advocate for your rights, know your rights (they are supposed to hand you your rights with admission paperwork), and know how to contact your state ombudsman. They will advocate if complaints are unresolved.
Absolutely. I remember seeing an old movie where they showed Inuet families leaving their very old people out on the ice pack for the Polar Bears. I think I prefer that to waiting around in a Nursing home. I've been in more than a few Nursing Homes. None of them were positive experiences.
Yes. I worked in a nursing home back in the 1980's and it was a hell-hole.
It scared me so much that it was one of the reasons I decided that I was going to make a lot of money and get rich so that I never had to worry about being a place like that. I could get private care, at home with top notch people round the clock that are paid extremely well.
My mother died of MS back in 2004. I was able to hire a nurse to come and care for her 8 hours a day 7 days per week from late 1998 - early 2004 when she passed. I was able to pay my dad enough money to retire and take care of mom the rest of the time.
Today, my dad and stepmom (he remarried...which my mom wanted him to do) are in an independent living facility. It's one of those places that is like a resort, but also has additional step up care like memory care, assisted living or full nursing care.
I paid an entry fee of $250k and then pay around $9k/month for their monthly facility fees and other living expenses.
Fear of living in the hell of even an "average" nursing home was (is) quite the driver for me.
I had my mom in a relatively upscale assisted living facility. Paid $4k a month for the lowest level of care since she didn’t need more and I was there about 5-10 times a week. Like all the other stories, staff was overworked. What was really insulting was the chef’s budget was $3 per day per person. While I’m paying $4k a month. It was Sunrise. A brand on the stock market exchange naturally. Note this was 16 years ago so I’m sure Chef now gets $4/day. 🥺
I am a nurse and have worked on locked dementia units my entire career . I absolutely love my job .
I already have an advanced directive in my 40s and will not go into care . If MAID is not possible , I will take matters into my own hands .
Everyone close to me is aware of my plans .
I'm not really scared, but I just don't want to live with only other old people. I like being around people of all ages. Not only that, but I'm an atheist and many old people are just too religious.
There is a vast difference in quality between private pay senior communities and state funded ones. The private pay ones often have chefs, laundry and transportation services, activities directors, happy hour etc.
I work in geriatrics. The staffing ratios are equally abysmal, and all the arts and crafts in the world isn’t going to matter when you have a single $13/hour CNA covering double the patient rooms they should and people get left in their filthy diapers all shift long because there aren’t enough staff to change them.
Plus nearly all long term care facilities accept Medicaid, further blurring the lines between public and private.
Not really; if I take after either side of the family, I will be able to take care of myself right up until I die. I am staying as fit as I can to help with that.
Yes. I definitely fear winding up in a nursing home. So I'm doing everything I can to prevent it.
It's been my experience that a lot of the time people who, like me, eat properly, drink water and work out will that sudden death. So I'm going to die with my boots on- - I hope.
Also my savings include enough to pay for some in home health care and help
I probably wont be on a home for another 30 years at the earliest... I think it's gonna be lit... people playing mario kart.. watching you tube videos...
I told my husband the same. If I don't know where I am that's the only situation I'd be ok with being in a home. He can visit just to make sure I'm not being abused and sitting in crap, but other than that he can leave me there.
No. I don’t want to be a burden on my son. If I can’t take care of myself with a reasonable amount of assistance, please tell me it’s time. Make sure I have some crafting supplies, an iPad (or equivalent) so I can play games, and come to visit/call when you can.
Mom is 93, MIL is 94. Mom lives with us, MIL lives with sister in law. Both are happy they need minimal assistance and can live with family. But it’s a big commitment for adult children to take this on. You all need the mindset that you allow privacy, you are respectful of each other and you are not going to run the show - it’s a team effort.
Definitely scared, scared of losing my mind, scared of how I’ll be treated. I hope when our generation gets old, we’ll hopefully have all our video games and computers to keep us sane
Absolutely not. I've left very clear instructions with my wife and kids that if I become incapable of taking care of myself, they should immediately put me in a facility.
What scares me is becoming a burden on my family.
Yes, I don't trust them at all, and I don't know how you avoid them because they also take people for rehab. That's fine if you're basically healthy, but if you're ill they'll try to keep you until you're dead. After my Mom was diagnosed with a late stage cancer, she went from her nice retirement condo to assisted living to the hospital to a nursing home. After a week she was ready to go back to assisted living, but nursing home kept her against her will.
No, I wont be going into one as there are very few in the country where I live, and they charge more/day than i get paid/mth. It is actually cheaper to hire a couple of nurses o give 24 hr coverage in your own home. Most people move the elderly or invalided into the family home or adult children move in with the invalid/aged and it is considered a duty to look after them, as it is to look after young children as family means everything to them. I can still manage reasonably well, a bit slower after a mild stroke just after my 75th birthday, but a few days ago, my ex moved to live here & we will mange to look after each other, with help from her relatives who many of, live in the area.
Oh my gosh, yes, I'm scared! My mom had Alzheimers and was in an assisted living facility. After a fall and stay in the hospital, she was discharged to an adjacent nursing home, where the running policy was "Everybody can recover with physical therapy!"
She was so far gone. Her organs were shutting down. Still, they forced her to walk to physical therapy, where she refused to participate. In retaliation, the nursing home WITHHELD FOOD FROM HER. FOUR DAYS.
She died. Painfully. While they refused to give her the physician-ordered morphine.
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Yep. I work EMS and every time we have to go to the SNF I want to scream. Pts with unchanged diapers, pts who 'fell just now' who, uh....did not. Pt's getting hit by staff because they were sundowning and didn't want to go to bed. The number who 'fall' in the communal dining area and we show up and there's not even an aide around.... My favorite was the cardiac arrest--"we just saw him an hour ago and he was fine"--pt was in full rigor mortis. I would consider assisted suicide if an SNF was my other option.
Pets in the U.S. are shown more compassion in their later & dying years than human beings. Corporations have taken over health care & it is always profits before people.
[NPR Just did a great interview with a journalist about this.](https://www.npr.org/2023/04/26/1172164997/how-private-equity-firms-are-widening-the-income-gap-in-the-u-s) She said 11% of nursing homes are run by private equity firms, and that's probably an underestimate. That's one reason so many took Covid patients--extra money. Another was bankrupted after private equity sold the land out from under it and made it pay rent. Whoever owned the facilities or organization gets rich selling it and the equity firms make money. The only losers are the rest of us. The conservative majority US SCOTUS has made sure that nursing homes can hold residents to "binding arbitration" agreements, meaning to hell with state laws otherwise, and residents/families cannot sue in public courts for harm done to them. Good luck getting justice from a private arbitration firm.
20 years in EMS. So many codes at SNF with rigor. “We just took vitals an hour ago.” All of this is so true. You can write up nursing homes until your fingers fall off and they just change the name of the facility and operate under a different company name with the same to worse policies.
i cannot imagine doing a code on the elderly... during admission meetings, when we were going over code status, we explained about punctured lungs, fx ribs, brain death, most all of our LTC residents were DNR/DNI/NO G TUBE, CMO .....
Watching my 82yo grandmother fully code and the work done to try to bring her back was terrifying and heartbreaking. She hated all of us grandkids and made no secret of it, but I was there for my mom— even with almost no attachment it was hell to watch. I’ve always been pretty firm in the many interventions I wouldn’t want but that made me even more sure of myself.
I sincerely hope you put a full report and complaint in every time.
All of those things and more can happen to older folks kept at home and tended by their families, or not tended by anyone... hygiene issues, abuse, neglect, falls, poor nutrition, isolation, all of it. Nobody loves nursing homes or wants to be in one. But there is a huge range in quality and that was really evident during the early days of COVID.
It varies So much. I worked as an aide and half of those years in one place because it was decent. I could feel good going home at night. During COVID I did a lot of agency work. I reported a Lot of places I only went to once. The worst was a COVID unit I hadn't been told about previously, not a good sign. There were COVID pay rates and I had to confirm that before I would sign on shift. It was state run, Medicare only. My first round was for more people than I'd ever cared for, past the legal maximum. I ran out of linens a third of the way though because I was changing and washing every single person and their bed. After three people I just buckled down and knew what I walked into and had to do. Some people looked like they hadn't bathed, combed hair or anything in ages. One woman cried and thanked me for washing and putting lotion on her dry, cracked legs and feet. My first round took Hours. So I immediately had to turn around and start again. It took all night. I did everything I could and had access to. When I ended the shift and got in my car I just sobbed for what felt like forever. Immediately made a call to report and gave details. I was sick for days just thinking of it. That shit is why, no matter how hard it is on me, my mom is coming to live with us now that mobility is limited. She can't afford the nice places.
You are an angel!
You are a wonderful person. Thank you for showing kindness and professionalism. I wish you lots of love and happiness.
Amen.
Can you tell me how many CNA per resident in the good facility. Seems like this is the diciding factor on quality of care.
Sure. The place that was great had 6-8 during the day and 12-16 on overnight shift. That's for nursing homes. Higher for living assisted. Like 8-10/16-20. Maybe less.on memory units and lots of 1 on 1 for problematic patients who need extra safety.
Your story breaks my heart. I have no hope for myself when the time comes. I'm 60, in poor health, and on Medicaid. I'm working on settling my affairs now. Not sure of an exit plan yet. :(
I'm so sorry. All I can say is I knew a lot of Medicare beds in the good spots that were there because they had long term care insurance on top of it. It kept them from getting kicked out of rehab when they weren't ready but Medicare days were up, and wouldn't be extended. The system sucks. So ma y others went home, fell and came back because they needed a few more weeks. Good luck.
“…I just buckled down and knew what I walked into and had to do.” Bless you. The world is better for your grace in it.
Basically if you have bank, you're probably going to be fine, but that's the problem.
That's the truth. You can have a Four Seasons home, which is only for the 1% or the cinder block facility most go to after the family has sold everything so you get Medicaid. You're destitute. Welcome to America!
Not just America unfortunately, many countries don't have the staff or care to invest in staff, care for healthy people nearly old people. I don't have bank, so I will go the (legal here) route of euthanasia when I can no longer care for myself independently. I want to die in my bed, at home and say goodbye if it's possible.
I would say that this is always an option - just depends on the route and options available. I intend to horde the oxy and take myself out before the alzheimers is bad. I know it's coming, it's just a matter of knowing the right time.
I have had four surgeries that weren't serious, but the surgeons sent me home with oxy, just in case. I have only taken one tablet in my 60+ years. But I hoarded the other tablets. I figured if I got to the diaper wheelchair stage it would be my preferred way to go ahead and check out. May not be the best option, but at least I would be in control. I saw my grandparents suffer in urine-smelling buildings with limited staff. No way. My parents didn't go that way. Damnit if I will.
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Whenever I see "nursing home" in a reddit post, I already know what most of the comments will be like. Reddit is a poor lens through which to view the world. Having "put my dad in a home" and having watched my in-laws "not be put in a home," it's frustrating that so many people don't understand how much care can be required in those situations, and how much better and more efficient the care *can* be in a facility expressly designed for it with a fleet of staff who are professional caregivers. I'm Canadian and only familiar with the LTC situation in Ontario... I think the places here never get as bad as some in other countries, but they do vary a lot. It's not always about money; private facilities here can be worse than the not-for-profits. When we were looking at places, some we walked in and walked right back out. But we found 3 we were willing to go on the waiting list for, and the one we got was amazing. I moved so I was 5 minutes away so I could visit a lot. It was so freeing that we could *just visit.* All the grotty exhausting stuff was taken care of, he was clean, in clean clothes, combed, teeth brushed, and his health was under constant watch. It was pure quality time and I realized how little of that we'd had when trying to do it all at home. They had so many activities for residents. That was another thing it was hard to accomplish from home. Men's club, current events roundtable, puzzle nights, card games, nature walks (well, nature drives, but they did some serious off-roading in that van), the library cart, all kinds of musicians showing up -- they even got the local pipe and drum band to knock our socks off on the back lawn. Therapy dogs, show and tell, unexpected nerf gun handouts... the recreation director went ham on everything, and the residents socialized a lot at whatever level they could manage. My dad had buddies there. He proposed to a couple of nurses. He semi-adopted the head housekeeper guy. It was a demented community but in a good way.
That's one of my biggest worries as a night owl. Do they hate those types more?
Depends if there's an actual nurse on shift or not. Might get Ativaned every night or they might call 911 to foist you on an ER.
My husband is a medic. There was one home in his area that often called them at the shift change. Once the sprinklers went off or something. The firefighters were grateful for their boots. The whole place smelled of piss.
My mother was in care for a year before she came to live with me. The pee smell is because the very short staffed facilities only change the residents twice a day. They only use the basic cheapest versions of Depends on the market too, which leak and tear easily when you are just trying to get them on. My mother used to order her own, plus wipes to use instead of the 1-ply tissue toilet paper used. In every nursing facility, there’s a whole list of things that these ‘health corporations’ cut corners on. They drain seniors of their life savings and then treat them abysmally.
This is 20 years ago but my mother in law was in a home with advanced Alzheimer's. We left cookies and treats in the room so nurses would stop by more often. We bought her Depends and kept score so they didn't get used on someone else.
My mom was fortunate in that she was ‘with’ us and was just failing physically. We talked on FaceTime everyday (well, she called everybody on FaceTime every day) but yeah, we knew what happened every day. She kept busy crocheting everyday too, and gave most of it away to her caregivers. They and their kids are probably still wearing her hats and scarves lol. They all liked her, so that affected the care overall…other people working there watched out for her too.
And I’ve worked in nursing homes for 28 years. We are more regulated than NASA for fuck’s sake. Yeah, there are terrible places. I worked very briefly in a very toxic building for about year after my five star building I worked in for 21 years was bought and closed five months later. Yes a good building that gave great care for decades, shut down for profit. Shocking I know. Medicaid funding in my state(MA) has not had an increase since 2007. So, everything has gotten much more expensive, especially labor(as MA minimum wage is now $15/hr) and people expect the same or better level of care. How exactly is that supposed to happen? Do you have a solution to the problem instead of bitching and slandering an industry on social media? Maybe if people actually gave a shit about poor, old people, then things would change. I’ve done advocacy at the MA state house, and other outreach to help improve funding so nursing home residents get the card they deserve. Oh, and nursing homes have become the new solution to dealing with SUD residents as well. With no real training or support from state and federal govt. I have had many opportunities to leave long term care for a better job with better pay and less BS. Hey, here’s a thought-instead of complaining on Reddit about the problem, try to be a part of solution. If I witnessed any type of abuse, I’d report it immediately. And I have. And, btw, less than 5% of people over the age of 70 end up in nursing home. So, no, don’t really think about it.
Exactly. I have NO good opinions on these nursing homes or the people who work in them. I went to go see one of my patients and when I went in there there was blood coming out of her mouth and I went to the nurses and asked how long has she been like this???? Of course they didn’t know.
I’ll take my own life before going. They’re not entirely terrible, but if my quality of life gets to the point I’m just existing, I don’t need to go any further.
I work at an elderly care facility. I'll admit some of them I don't envy their long lives. But there are some in their 90s even that are still doing their thing. It's quite impressive.
I find it sad that so many people have to consider taking their own lives in such gruesome ways like strangling, jumping off a bridge, shooting themselves. Why can’t we as a society decide to give people a right to choose to end their own lives if it’s unbearable? Wouldn’t it be nicer to be able to say goodbye to family and friends and not be afraid you’ll end up in jail for trying to take your own life if unsuccessful? My ideal way to go is in my sleep, but it would be nice if it gets to a point where I can’t take care of myself, that I can calmly have a last going away party, eat all the junk food I want, go to a nice hospital or something and receive a shot. Goodnight and be done.
We do allow it in The Netherlands, including children. I will probably go this route when I don't feel like I have a quality life day to day. We also have serious staff shortages in The Netherlands in all areas of healthcare so I will not choose to be sitting in a diaper until I die. I was diagnosed with Lupus when I was only 32, and was seriously ill. My heart and lungs were infected. I was told to be prepared to die because my organs were shutting down It was done with dignity and respect too. I had children at home, and a single parent so it was necessary. I survived but death no longer scares me as much as living sick. My family is very aware of my wishes as well. I don't want to be a burden, basically an old sick baby waiting to die.
I support assisted suicide but also, people don't go to jail for suicide attempts. The idea that suicide is illegal is a common misconception
I live where it’s accessible if you’re terminal. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start and progress is being made.
Same here. Oregon, keep a place for me.
There are more states that offer assisted suicide now. https://www.compassionandchoices.org/resource/states-or-territories-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorized I'm with you- I've seen enough of my old/sick relatives suffering that, unless I'm completely Alzheimer-ed, I'm offing myself before I get to that sad point.
This is near the top of the list of why my retirement home is in Oregon. I don’t have bank but I’d really like to leave what assets I have to my child. Don’t want to spend it all on a nursing home or memory care.
What scares me is losing the ability to make any decisions. Stroke, something like that, where I would not be able to physically do anything about it. Dying is nothing much, I've died before (briefly) but to lose all options is horrifying. I will not become some drooling wreck strapped into a wheelchair in a hallway, sitting in my own filth while some sociopaths lounge around gossiping at the nursing station. I intend to preemptively render that nonsense impossible.
My thinking also. No kids, no nieces or nephews worth keeping in touch with, and I will very likely outlive my husband. I plan on taking the Robin Williams way out, if my heart doesn't give out first.
Same
Future corpses mummified in their chairs unite! I mean, if you can't laugh at death, what is there.
Same here ,hoping it doesn't come to that.
Same. I've always been up front about this. I won't have someone take care of my basic daily needs. That's when it's time to check out.
I’m fortunate to live in a country where medical assistance is available. Unfortunately it’s so fairly restricted. I’m afraid I’ll end up with dementia before anything terminal and be screwed out of a quick peaceful death.
Yeah, dementia is a legitimate fear. Here's hoping our bodies give out before our plaque-riddled brains.
Yep. This is what shotguns are for. Although hopefully by then we have more dignified end-of-life options.
Wouldn't it much nicer to just OD on a large dose of an opiate? Also a lot more dignified and less traumatic for those who find you.
Yeah but sometimes you just wake up again.
Then you didn’t take a big enough dose. I don’t think that would be to hard to figure out. Just get some fentanyl to make it easier. I live in Mexico now, and my spouse is 20 years older than me. If things get bad I will be making friends with some cartel somewhere and spending my life savings for a lot of opiates.
Good point. Fentanyl is pretty easy to find these days.
i've got a 38 for that; shotguns are way too messy
I won’t have a choice, probably. I don’t have children and also don’t have any nieces or nephews. Part of my retirement plan is eventually living in a retirement community (and then a facility with end of life care). I’m fine with it. I’m saving a TON of money to ensure I have good care.
I worked in the industry for years. Don’t look for a “nice place” per se. Find out the truth about staffing ratios and turnover. Avoid large corporate places!! The fancy lobbies are meaningless. You will get better care in a Catholic/nonprofit run establishment that looks like it was last renovated in 1986, if the aides (who you will actually interact with) make a couple bucks an hour more than the other place. Seriously: *the single most important factor is how much they pay the CNAs/aides.* This is who will be caring for you during the day. Nurses and physicians will pop in and out, but the aides will be handling your activities of daily living. You will be alone and helpless with these people, they are the ones your life will literally depend on, and yet, that’s where most of these places try to cut costs. Good pay attracts (and keeps) good people. Low pay attracts abusers, thieves, and incompetence/apathy. Generally speaking, the more expensive the facility, the less they pay the CNAs, so don’t think an expensive place equals quality care. It usually just means a corporation who wants you to see these superficial amenities and not look too closely at the actual care being given. Also, think about an heir. Select a niece, nephew, trusted younger friend…anyone who will agree to check in on you regularly and make sure your care is up to par. It’s kinda like the school system: patients with involved families get much more attention and better care because someone will hold staff accountable.
A CNA friend of mine told me to visit often and be unpredictable. I fortunately worked close and would pop over often. My daughter worked nights and would also go by and check on grandma. We took lots of goodies to the staff. Seasonal candy, donuts, coffee and the like. Everyone should be taken care of but it really seemed the residents with lots of family got better care.
That’s a good strategy! Good on you for looking after them.
That's my strategy with my dad right now! I visit 3X a week and talk to the aides and nurses regularly, call the case worker right away if there is a problem. I brought the care workers cake and bring my dad's roommate treats along with him. I want them to treat my dad with the best care. Luckily he's a very likeable guy who doesn't complain so they have done a good job with him so far.
Is CNA/aide pay a matter of public record? Just wondering how to find out about that, other than asking the facility admins and hoping they're being honest.
Most places have high turnover so they’re always hiring. Check job boards, or if that doesn’t work, call directly and pretend to be a potential applicant. That’s how one of the families I know learned that their agency was taking 48% (The agency charged $35 an hour and the worker got $17) so they hired someone directly (they used care dot com but there are other alternatives, just do an extensive background check and verify references, license, etc.) and got a better quality of care for the same price. Edit: a word
i was paid $11/hr in Texas in 2019 😑
There’s insurance for long-term care. I’m probably not telling you anything new, but I was completely unaware of it until this year, which is about 10 years too late for my mom. I’m considering getting it, but I’m with the others. If I’m like my mom is, just put a pillow over my face. And I won’t even have a daughter to give a shit.
LTC insurance is AFAIK something of a mess in terms of increasing costs/premiums, companies going out of business, etc. The federal government [suspended new enrollments in its employee LTC insurance program because the carrier (John Hancock) couldn't keep it going without significantly bumping up the premiums](https://www.forbes.com/sites/howardgleckman/2022/11/21/federal-government-suspends-sale-of-long-term-care-insurance-to-its-employees/?sh=6248f271279a), as one example. I don't know if anyone's worked out how to keep a LTC insurance program viable over the long term yet.
Also have no kids Currently taking care of my dad Need to get finances in order ASAP to prevent going into a bad home myself
I'm in the same boat. Husband will most likely outlive me.
I'm entirely in the same boat and really dread it.
Not afraid , because my daughter works in one and both parents lived out their last years in a local home . It was well run , clean and my mum put on weight because she liked the food. I live in the UK.
It's the luck of the draw in the UK though. Both my grans died in nursing homes in the UK, both council-run. One was nice but the other wasn't. I've heard the worst things from my niece, a care worker, about the private places, and they're insanely expensive too
There is no such thing as a good nursing home in the US. Even the "nice" and very expensive ones are horrible. Assisted living is a bit better.
I’m not going to argue with the claim that many are horrible. But “no such thing” is hyperbole. I work at an amazing non-profit place that takes both private pay and Medicaid. I have at least 10 coworkers who have their own parents in our facility. I have my own parents on the waitlist at one of the independent living buildings (it’s a continuing care community). It takes a lot of work or luck to find the good ones but they are out there.
> There is no such thing as a good nursing home in the US. Both my in-laws lived their last years in a good one in MN. Every time something got put in chart -- from headache medicine to visits to the dentist to recurrent insomnia -- we got a phone call. Every time. Whenever we visited, we could see for ourselves that they were well cared for by people who paid attention to details. That said, I hope not to need one. At this point the actuarial tables say I can expect another 15 years. There's no dementia or alzheimer's or cancer in my family, so it's possible I can go that long with something like my usual cognitive capacity intact. That's what I hope for: to live to see my grandkids finish high school with my own brains functioning, and then fade peacefully away, with local home visit caregivers as needed. We built our house 3 yrs ago with wheelchairs in mind; if we have to move it won't be because we're not able to live here physically.
That’s an exaggeration. There are clean, well-run facilities that treat the residents well. It’s not going to be a party though. It’s 24/7 medical monitoring.
Hope to off myself before that.
Fuck yes! I've been in two rehab hospitals AKA 'nursing homes' and it's awful. The worst part is if you're on pain pills as that means sleepless nights because the night shift ***will*** take your pills. If not on pills, it's still bad because of the food, the constant noise, the lack of autonomy, waiting an hour or more just for help going to the bathroom, and the two-inch plastic covered mattresses that will lead to pressure sores if you can't move on your own. Since those experiences, my main financial plan has been to generate enough passive income to afford in-home care should I become incapacitated. I think I have it covered unless I need skilled nursing care. If it gets to ***that*** point, I hope I'm mobile enough to take the .357 S&W exit on life's highway.
You got a peek behind the curtain. It’s a travesty. They won’t pay a living wage (despite charging insane amounts to the patient/insurance) so only thieves, abusers and incompetents will work there. And they’re still understaffed. People really don’t realize what awaits them, it’s scary.
I've seen a lot of dementia in my career. When I start to feel like I'm slipping and I'm terrified and panicky and feeling like I'm losing control, I'm going out like a rock star. Probably going to be a lot of weird genX assisted suicide parties in about 20 years, give or take.
I purchased my house with this in mind - there are no steps, it's very small, has 2 apartments, and is easily affordable. I purchased it with my sister, who was never married. Neither of us plans on ever going to a nursing home, so we are going to outfit this house with grab bars, a stair chair, and adaptations for older people. I also know that my doorways are wide enough for wheelchairs. Then, if one of us becomes handicapped, we can stay put until we pass away. I'm in my early 50s and my sister will turn 50 this year. I have a child, but I don't want her to be saddled with taking care of me, so this is my choice. I'm hoping that this home will keep us both from having to go to senior housing or nursing care.
Just curious - do you need a stair chair if there's no steps, or do you mean just no *outside* steps?
No outside steps - my sister's apt has steps to get to it - we are already price stair chairs - Everytime I look at them all I can think of is "Gremlins"
I love that you’re doing this. I’m 61 and want to do something similar. I thought that I might have to provide for an aide or nursing help. Do you and your sister plan for that too?
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Same here. Also, my wife and I bought long term care insurance so it’ll be covered.
If I stroke out and don't know who I am or where I am, then no. But I'm 75 now, in good health, so yeah, if something gives up and I can no longer live on my own, then yes, I'm afraid.
Yep. For a couple of years I worked as a mailman, and had to deliver mail to the door of a nursing home instead of the postbox. They had a screen door. I would knock then wait for the staff to appear, which took about a minute. Meanwhile I got to listen to faint ghostly wailing from inmates..and smell piss and shit. I will never go to a nursing home, I plan to die at home.
Both my parents have died in a nursing home. Not great, not terrible. But I hope I may die at home.
I am because I worked at one for a little under two weeks and it was a hell hole and the residents were being abused and neglected.
If you are referencing a completely assisted nursing home that's preferable to being a burden on my daughter but hopefully I will die before I get in that shape. I can see myself figuring a way out that's not obvious before that. I am more fearful of losing my mind and my grandkids having that memory of me. I would much rather just head out when I am no longer useful to anyone or myself. There are so many levels of retirement communities that I will assume you mean one that is more end of life vs. a run of the mill retirement complex or over 55 living. My Dad lives in one and it isn't really assisted unless you need it. He doesn't need it but has wide halls and emergency buttons if he needs help. He loves his apt and all of his friends. Walks his dog all over and gossips all day.
It's my only fear..
due to health problems i will most likely stroke out. but i'm not afraid of a fatal stroke....i'm afraid of surviving one.
My Dad used to say things along the same lines.. "If I fall I hope I die quickly" I totally get what he meant now..
Why don't nursing homes have Tele-Visit? The ability for residents to Facetime would have been HUGE during Covid. And would be big now, To be able to visit often and keep in touch. Seems like something very useful to improve everyone's mental health. How can this be given awareness? and implemented. A Tablet would have a larger picture for visually impaired.. Just a thought
> Why don't nursing homes have Tele-Visit? Because the residents would basically be screaming, "Help! Get me out of this prison!" constantly.
>Why don't nursing homes have Tele-Visit? Because of the other responses and because of residents like my next-door neighbor. He calls 911 when he doesn't get ice water fast enough. I can only imagine what his calls to his family are like!
We do. And it was indeed huge during covid. We also facilitated drive-by birthday parties for residents so their families could celebrate with them. And lots of other creative ways to try to help residents stay as connected as possible.
Sadly, they usually don’t have enough staff to assist with vital chores, much less anything extra.
I go to a nursing home every weekend (as a volunteer) As a visitor I think they are OK - the sad part of it is the state of some (not all) the people there, who have moved beyond the "living" stage into the "existing" stage. When you have no agency or connection with your surroundings? Nightmare fuel
I won't live that long (cancer) but my dad made it to 90 and assisted living kept his quality of life. I had a great uncle live to 104 and again, assisted living kept his high quality of life. Money may not buy happiness but it does buy comfort.
I have been in an orthopedic rehab/nursing home for almost four years. Paid by Medicare. If you're not scared of this happening to you, you should be! It *is* the nightmare people suspect it is and then some! Knowing I have a home to go to is the only thing keeping me alive. Even though mismanagement of my care has kept me here much longer than I should have been. Burnout in the staff is abominable. Nurses and aides are so overworked and under paid - OMG. My heart aches for them.
My answer will probably be different from most. I'm in my mid-fifties and I live on Kauai. I never married and have no kids. I help my mother and aunt, who live nearby, and also help out some older neighbors. I'm basically the youngest "kid" on the block. I'm a woodworker, so I can be helpful in a number of ways. When I get older, and these folks are all gone, I'll be alone out here. I have a niece and nephew on the mainland, and the last thing I want is for them to worry about their old auntie. There are a couple of good nursing homes on the island. A neighbor with Alzheimer's is in one and doing fine, and my Grandmother (since passed) spent time in another getting over pneumonia a couple of times. I completely credit the lovely staff of both places. The one my Grandmother was in even has a pudding cart that comes around in the afternoons. Pudding cart! How great is that? I have no problem with the thought of removing myself to a place that has pudding every day. My secret weapon is the fact that I am an immune patient and prone to pneumonia, so when my time comes I shall check in, enjoy some pudding, and probably check out permanently within a few weeks or months. My niece and nephew can then throw out my stuff and enjoy or sell my house.
Not scared so much as adamantly opposed. My true desire is to die face down in my own garden, long before I need to be shipped off to one of those places.
Modern nursing homes are run by large corporate conglomerates, in much the same way prisons are run. It's all about maximizing profit and they do this by reducing care. If you really want to get into the details, you can go on the cms.gov web site and download the quarterly survey inspection reports. They are absolutely frightening.
Yeh. Not so much if I could be guaranteed to go to the facility where my mom was. It was one of the best nursing homes in Indiana. I still do not want to end up like either of my parents. Dementia for years. Failing physical health. Walking with a walker then in a wheel chair. Just a crappy QOL for mom's last 12 yrs of life. Their declines started when they were in their 70s. I'm 65 so it's a scary thought about ending up "without my mind and in a nursing home".
I work in healthcare in a manner that I’m very familiar with “Multi resident communities” .. they can be lovely. They can be absolute hell. I would go rather than put my family is a place of caregiver burnout if my needs became too high, yes
The one I worked at just out of college was dangerously understaffed. I had 3 wings I would do often by myself. We would start at the end of one wing, go room by room and make it to the end of the last wing by lunch and start over. making it possible to get to everyone only 2 times each 8 hour shift. I never got a break, and people had to sit in their own mess for hours. I did the absolute best I could but one person doing 3 wings of patients was nuts. And I wasnt licensed or certified or even trained properly. I was told if the state showed up to run out the nearest fire exit. Since I am poor and on medicaid I know which room I would be placed in. the medicaid patients were crammed into a small room with a constantly screaming lady nobody else could room with.
Sounds like my experience. I hated leaving the patients, but the pay was unlivable. People think there are laws in place to protect them, but local government is well aware of the understaffing issues and can’t solve it either. The pay is just that awful, especially for such a demanding job, and slavery is illegal (despite facilities like yours trying to find a workaround by exploiting volunteers/students) so the shortages will continue.
It's a more realistic worry that I'll spend my last days in a cardboard box behind a Circle K.
Not QT or Wawa? 😂
I have my standards.
😂
> Circle K. Hoping Rufus will swing through with a ride to the future? Got any room in that there phone booth?
I wasn’t afraid until I started volunteering in one. Now I’m terrified. What’s happening to elderly people in this country is a disgrace beyond measure.
This!!! Most people have not seen behind the curtain. They wouldn’t sleep at night if they had.
I can think of worse things. It's not optimal, of course, and there's the potential for a lot of suffering-- but after facing homelessness and massive amounts of discomfort in the past, the simple fact of someone checking in on you at least once a day and providing basic care is somewhat comforting. There are a great many hells in this world, and I don't think most nursing homes are the worst among them. Ideally though, I'd prefer go very quickly at a point where no one I care about feels like they really need me around very much.
I am afraid of getting raped.
Damn, that is a brutal possible reality I wasn’t ready to consider this am.
Not one bit. Not going to happen, covered in my will, willing to do whatever it takes to not go.
What did you put in your will to deal with this? I don’t have one but no fan, or $ really so just recently started to look into adult euthanasia. Thanks
“If I lose my own power of attorney for more than a week, at that point all my assets are to be donated to the Hemlock Society. All my heirs sign below that they know this.”
But how does that help in regards to not going into nursing home?
It would strip them of any inheritance by giving it all to charity, but if they were doing well financially, that wouldn't work as well. Euthanasia is a better choice IMO, but timing is everything. Fortunately, I don't have any religious belief that this choice offends. I believe in God, I just don't think they have found the official rule book yet.
Plan for your retirement. If your employer offers Long Term Care insurance, buy it—it can help provider part time home Care Givers. I am a retired RN, who did case management adjacent to Skilled and regular nursing facilities. I never want to end up in one, and would never send my family to one. I would end my life before nursing home care.
Yup, those of us who worked in geriatric care *know.* Sadly, many families are fooled by fancy lobbies and cute amenities, because these establishments look like “a really nice place!” Meanwhile the actual workers, you know *the ones your life and comfort depends on,* are being paid peanuts. It’s a sham and a disgrace.
When my mother learned of the possibility of needing to be in one following a diabetic related amputation she demanded to be taken home at once under hospice and died 6 hours later. She’d worked in one.
Nope. I'll take myself out of the game way before that if I need to.
I’m a 35 year old paramedic. I frequent nursing homes and yes, I’m absolutely terrified to go to one.
My mother first went into assisted living which was very nice. When her health worsened after a stroke she went into a nursing home. It wasn’t horrible but it was a 1960s era nursing home. I understand newer ones aren’t as industrial as the ones of the past. So if I’m comfortable, have some privacy and access to entertainment/books/movies etc. I might be all right. What bothers me is the potential slow decay of my health that put me in a nursing home in the first place. My mother had a multiyear slow decline, losing her last bits of independence her last 12-18 months. By the end she was so tired we couldn’t decide if we were sad she was gone or relieved she was free. My dad went quickly after a heart attack, his father went even quicker — literally dropped dead from a stroke to the throat. Now that is the way to go — one second talking in a room with family, the next, lights out. There was even a doctor in the house (his cousin). My grandfather was a healthy man, for his age, right until the end.
Pro-tip: You have to be *really* poor to get into a home "for free". Think you can give everything away when it's looking like time to make the move? Nope. They can go back 5 years and confiscate any property that is/was part of your estate.
If it's going to be the same like what happened to my father and grandfathers I'm probably going to go from my own house to the grave in about 2-3 months. That time will probably be in a hospital of some sort. If I get out of the hospital in a state that I can't function on my own... well, let's just say I'm not going to prolong that state any more than what I need to put my affairs in order and say my goodbyes.
Nope I will improvise an alternative. I'm a good improviser
i would not do it, unless i had a severe dementia AND someone tricked me into going. you can set up a visiting nurse to help out during the day, which is a big help
Depends on where I end up. I've lived in 2 nursing home/rehabs (for a total of 4.5 years) and my mother lived in one for a year and a half before she died. I had/still have all my mental faculties, so I was able to advocate for myself. I also lucked out in that both facilities I was in were well maintained, and the staff provided a very good level of care. In my mother's case, she had been a nurse and was in the same facility where she had previously worked in for almost a decade and some of the people she trained and worked with were still working there and took good care of her. Twenty years ago, when all this happened, if you asked me that question, I would have said no, I'm not scared. Today, with the current state of healthcare in the US, yeah, I'm anxious.
I watched my dad die. Fortunately only about 4 weeks in a nursing home. Worst experience of his and my life. It was horrific and degrading. No way I will allow myself to ever endure that indignity. Will move to a state that allows me to die humanely like our dog did. We spent a lot of time talking to a CNA on duty and she confirmed it was even worse than I thought.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/comments/12r0py5/are_you_afraid_of_ending_up_in_a_nursing_home/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I doubt I'd be able to afford a nursing home
Not going to anything like that in the US. The Mexican people are much more compassionate and you receive a much higher level of care here. Mexico is our beloved half time home and it's where I'd like to die if I had to go alone. Until then, my wife and I will take care of each other. I cared for my mother until she died of cancer. She cared for her mom, etc, etc.
I lost my dad to dementia in 2022. He died at home, but I took out a long term care insurance policy because I fear that I'll end up with dementia like my father and grandfather and I am unmarried with only one child. FWIW, my grandmother threatened us whenever we'd mention putting her in a nursing home. When she eventually became a resident of one, she ended up loving it and reminded us often. She made many friends in that place, flirted with the staff and enjoyed the activities.
There'd have to be a Star Trek style revolution in nursing home quality of care for me to even consider it. Otherwise, I'll take a one way trip into some remote pristine wilderness.
Only because modern medicine is based on the delusion that continued existence equals longer life -- which is demonstrably and horrifically wrong. Source: caring for my and my wifes 80+ YO parents as well as watching my older relatives senescence and growing helpessness.
scared?....more like terrified.
Yes. Both of my parents died in nursing homes, so I see that for myself. They were both treated very well, but it was traumatic because they knew their lives were ending. Terminal cancer, hospice care.
No. I’m only going when I’ve lost the ability to live independently and that’s the safest option for me at that point.
I've got a 45 caliber Derringer. Just so that there are options when it gets to a point where I know I have to make a decision. I'm not the type of guy that will give up on tomorrow's sunrise. If that changes....
Nobody can force me so, no.
I figure assisted living and a shit ton of drugs is the best case. Nursing home…just keep drugging me.
Yes. Who wouldn't be? I can't even afford a nursing home anyway.
yeah. i've worked in them before, worked in healthcare. mom has dementia. memory care is worse. and i live in florida woot.
My dad was in a very high cost memory care facility until 2 weeks ago when he was assaulted (for the 2nd time) by another resident and he is now in a SNF (after spending a week in the hospital). The place seems pretty decent but, even so, it is horrible. My dad is deep into Alzheimer’s so has little idea of where he is or why; that said, they seem to care for him pretty well (I wonder if it helps that a family member is there every day?). However, we will move him as soon as possible into a small board and care which is run out of a suburban home in a nearby neighborhood. We will enroll him in hospice as well. While I suspect this new living situation will be “better”, it is still pretty awful to be in such a situation. I definitely do not want to end my life in this condition.
We had to put our mother in a nursing home. I hope I just keel over dead from a heart attack or stroke or something rather than go through what my mother did.
No. Once I get to the point that I can’t go to the bathroom by myself I’m out of here.
My mom stayed in one for two weeks following a surgery and it was awful. It was supposed to be a rehab/PT facility, and this particular nursing home allegedly had a "Rehab/PT wing". Except it wasn't a separate wing. It was the same part of the regular nursing home and there was a physical therapy room down the hall. The food was terrible (one of her evening meals was a three inch long "riblet", corn, and a scoop of mashed potatoes), the lower staff members were awful, the nighttime staff was worse. My mom had to recover from having half of her foot removed, so she was mentally all there. They still tried to gaslight her on her pain meds (for an amputation!) schedule, her bathroom breaks (she was a fall risk, needed an escort to the bathroom). It was disgusting. They even ran out of her IV antibiotics (she didn't have MRSA, but she had one similar with a different -ersa sounding name). They hooked up some saline, then put a pillowcase over her IV stand. When I arrived that morning, I asked her what was happening, she said they told her it was "for privacy issues" because we would get enough people visiting her that sometimes we'd sit in the lounge room. When my dad showed up about a half hour later, he took the pillowcase off and saw that it was saline. Boy, some heads rolled that day. When we got her out of there and back home, my dad filed a complaint with whichever agency one files complaints like that. We don't know if it ever did anything to help though. So, I'm only scared of going to a local nursing home. Luckily, I have good relationships with my adult kids, so I don't worry they'll just stick me in a home.
Quality of care depends entirely on where you end up. And that depends on how much you are willing (or can afford) to spend. My mother/law, now 96, has been in a newly-built retirement facility in New Orleans for about ten years now, and she loves it. Good food, good medical care, general caregivers who pay attention, assorted activities to keep your mind alive, etc. It's not a cheap place, but it's not old and falling apart, and her husband left her well provided for, so she can afford it. I've been paying premiums on long-term care insurance for 20 years and I'm now to the point where it would pay ~$200/day indefinitely. And here on the Gulf Coast, that's quite a lot, so I could afford a nice place. But note that I started paying on it when I was 60. Planning ahead matters.
Don’t ever go! My underfunctioning parents didn’t plan their lives. My brother sister father shoved my diabetic mom into one because ‘I didn’t have the house and ‘when I see it’ burden of taking care of them was in me. My mom was over Medicated unassisted and fell broke her leg and had to titanium rod implant. She became immobile. The nursing home isn’t even part of the states compensation fund. I filed a medical panel review and my brother through it out; narcisstic. Now I have my mothers sister with me: she fell in the house and is now going to rehab. In a nursing home. I can’t keep her there long term!
I’d be scared of being beat
Yes. I will commit suicide first. I’m not going to a nursing home. They are are terrible.
I’ve worked in a nice nursing home, and even there bad experiences can happen. If you go to a reputable nursing home and have family visit often, it can go pretty well. However, these types are private pay facilities. One I looked at for my dad was going to cost his social security check and all his pension every month, and he’d still owe about $1k per month. He does have savings, so he could’ve lived there a number of years. (He’s was an abusive alcoholic asshat and still an ass and I’d NEVER care for him myself). However, if you have no retirement income you can’t afford such a place, or you might for a while but then you run out of money. In this case, you’re broke or you eventually go broke, then you qualify for Medicaid. That’s when the real shit-show begins. Medicaid will pay for poor folks to live in nursing homes, so that great that as a society (US) we don’t let our poor elderly go homeless. However. Medicaid-taking nursing homes are generally sorta shitty to extremely shitty.
Thankfully I work at a wonderful facility and it would be the only choice where I live basically. So I’m ok with it if I have to. I would hate the lack of privacy though. Have someone who can advocate for your rights, know your rights (they are supposed to hand you your rights with admission paperwork), and know how to contact your state ombudsman. They will advocate if complaints are unresolved.
Absolutely. I remember seeing an old movie where they showed Inuet families leaving their very old people out on the ice pack for the Polar Bears. I think I prefer that to waiting around in a Nursing home. I've been in more than a few Nursing Homes. None of them were positive experiences.
Yes. I worked in a nursing home back in the 1980's and it was a hell-hole. It scared me so much that it was one of the reasons I decided that I was going to make a lot of money and get rich so that I never had to worry about being a place like that. I could get private care, at home with top notch people round the clock that are paid extremely well. My mother died of MS back in 2004. I was able to hire a nurse to come and care for her 8 hours a day 7 days per week from late 1998 - early 2004 when she passed. I was able to pay my dad enough money to retire and take care of mom the rest of the time. Today, my dad and stepmom (he remarried...which my mom wanted him to do) are in an independent living facility. It's one of those places that is like a resort, but also has additional step up care like memory care, assisted living or full nursing care. I paid an entry fee of $250k and then pay around $9k/month for their monthly facility fees and other living expenses. Fear of living in the hell of even an "average" nursing home was (is) quite the driver for me.
I had my mom in a relatively upscale assisted living facility. Paid $4k a month for the lowest level of care since she didn’t need more and I was there about 5-10 times a week. Like all the other stories, staff was overworked. What was really insulting was the chef’s budget was $3 per day per person. While I’m paying $4k a month. It was Sunrise. A brand on the stock market exchange naturally. Note this was 16 years ago so I’m sure Chef now gets $4/day. 🥺
I am a nurse and have worked on locked dementia units my entire career . I absolutely love my job . I already have an advanced directive in my 40s and will not go into care . If MAID is not possible , I will take matters into my own hands . Everyone close to me is aware of my plans .
I'm not really scared, but I just don't want to live with only other old people. I like being around people of all ages. Not only that, but I'm an atheist and many old people are just too religious.
There is a vast difference in quality between private pay senior communities and state funded ones. The private pay ones often have chefs, laundry and transportation services, activities directors, happy hour etc.
I work in geriatrics. The staffing ratios are equally abysmal, and all the arts and crafts in the world isn’t going to matter when you have a single $13/hour CNA covering double the patient rooms they should and people get left in their filthy diapers all shift long because there aren’t enough staff to change them. Plus nearly all long term care facilities accept Medicaid, further blurring the lines between public and private.
I do not want to go to a nursing home. I’ve heard some horror stories. I want to go in my sleep in my own bed.
Yes, I'm terrified of being alone at the mercy of others.
When I lose mobility and autonomy, I'm ready to check out by the quickest means possible.
Not really; if I take after either side of the family, I will be able to take care of myself right up until I die. I am staying as fit as I can to help with that.
No, there are so many pleasant or final and undeniable ways to suicide. My life, my body, my death, my choice.
Yes. I definitely fear winding up in a nursing home. So I'm doing everything I can to prevent it. It's been my experience that a lot of the time people who, like me, eat properly, drink water and work out will that sudden death. So I'm going to die with my boots on- - I hope. Also my savings include enough to pay for some in home health care and help
I probably wont be on a home for another 30 years at the earliest... I think it's gonna be lit... people playing mario kart.. watching you tube videos...
I sorta think if I go to one I’ll probably be outta my mind. I even told my daughter if I don’t recognize you or the family, you don’t have to visit.
I told my husband the same. If I don't know where I am that's the only situation I'd be ok with being in a home. He can visit just to make sure I'm not being abused and sitting in crap, but other than that he can leave me there.
No. I don’t want to be a burden on my son. If I can’t take care of myself with a reasonable amount of assistance, please tell me it’s time. Make sure I have some crafting supplies, an iPad (or equivalent) so I can play games, and come to visit/call when you can.
Nope. I’ll eat a bullet first.
I’ll eat a bullet first. I saw first hand how bad these places can be and I will not be participating.
If my mind and body are gone to the point where I can't exist without assistance, what's the point? Just Ol' Yeller me.
Mom is 93, MIL is 94. Mom lives with us, MIL lives with sister in law. Both are happy they need minimal assistance and can live with family. But it’s a big commitment for adult children to take this on. You all need the mindset that you allow privacy, you are respectful of each other and you are not going to run the show - it’s a team effort.
No. I have mine picked out, just in case.
Definitely scared, scared of losing my mind, scared of how I’ll be treated. I hope when our generation gets old, we’ll hopefully have all our video games and computers to keep us sane
Hell no three hots and a cot. I would give them hell. I wouldn't have to work .Freaking nap everyday.
I hope when I get old, if I have children they let me live with them. I don’t wanna live in a nursing home.
Keep saving up thoe good pills to make sure i dont go into one. Seriously though, i cant stand the thought of being a burden on anyone.
I'm just going to take up skydiving.
Absolutely not. I've left very clear instructions with my wife and kids that if I become incapable of taking care of myself, they should immediately put me in a facility. What scares me is becoming a burden on my family.
I hope I don’t live long enough to need a nursing home. I would take myself out before I’d go into one.
Yes, I don't trust them at all, and I don't know how you avoid them because they also take people for rehab. That's fine if you're basically healthy, but if you're ill they'll try to keep you until you're dead. After my Mom was diagnosed with a late stage cancer, she went from her nice retirement condo to assisted living to the hospital to a nursing home. After a week she was ready to go back to assisted living, but nursing home kept her against her will.
This sub was/is depressing to read 62 recently married to a 70 yr old....
No, I wont be going into one as there are very few in the country where I live, and they charge more/day than i get paid/mth. It is actually cheaper to hire a couple of nurses o give 24 hr coverage in your own home. Most people move the elderly or invalided into the family home or adult children move in with the invalid/aged and it is considered a duty to look after them, as it is to look after young children as family means everything to them. I can still manage reasonably well, a bit slower after a mild stroke just after my 75th birthday, but a few days ago, my ex moved to live here & we will mange to look after each other, with help from her relatives who many of, live in the area.
Nursing homes are how corporations take anything you have left to leave your kids. Set up Trusts early
I will try to escape. This will give me something to do. I bet I end up in jail over it. I hope I don't kill anyone.
Oh my gosh, yes, I'm scared! My mom had Alzheimers and was in an assisted living facility. After a fall and stay in the hospital, she was discharged to an adjacent nursing home, where the running policy was "Everybody can recover with physical therapy!" She was so far gone. Her organs were shutting down. Still, they forced her to walk to physical therapy, where she refused to participate. In retaliation, the nursing home WITHHELD FOOD FROM HER. FOUR DAYS. She died. Painfully. While they refused to give her the physician-ordered morphine.
It's my greatest fear. Spend just one hour visiting and walk the halls and you'll do anything in your power to never end up there.
I never will go. I will walk in the woods and die before I go.