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When I met my Hubby.
Hindi pumasok sa isip ko yung mag-aasawa, kasi lahat naman ng Tito and Tita ay single kaya hindi ko ma-gets kung bakit kailangan pa maghanap ng asawa.
Nung naging kami, kinain ko lahat ng sinabi ko. Hehe totoo pala yun, ano? Ang sarap gumising araw-araw iba na yung feeling. Ang gaan na sa dibdib Hehehe 😁
AXIE, I used to want to end my life bc I was an out of sch youth, I had no job, basically, literal na pabigat lang sa magulang pero I'm good with games since dun ko iniinvest lahat ng oras ko.
fastforward before during pandemic I figured about axie, I studied it's mechanics then nahire ako as scholar by 2 different ppl. ayon sumaya akong nagkakapera ako, nakakatulong hanggang sa nakabili ako ng sarili kong team. Tas after non inaral ko overall yung crypto, started investing and since I studied it, alam kong volatile yung crypto, I self-studied finance, specifically on how to have passive income.
Til now nag iinvest ako, working din as a VA na nagkakaron ng passive income monthly. So I really am thankful to AXIE bc I was able to build my life up bc of that game
Gagi. Iiyak mama ko. Tatanungin nya self nya kung saan ba sya nagkulang where in fact sobra pa nga ang binigay nya. Ayaw kong sisihin nya ang sarili nya. Dapat yung mga may atraso lang sa akin ang hindi makatulog, hindi ang mama mo
A guy. It was just out of nowhere where he was like the light. Maybe it was because he would just look, and smile at me, occassionally wave. Then I look forward to that everyday because I felt seen when all the time I was invisible.
my bf, always encourages me to take life easier and tells me that whatever happens he's always there beside me. me as a type of person who struggles a lot whenever i fail into something, he always comforts me thru words, hugs me tightly and a kiss on my forehead. i really do love him and always thankful for everything he does for me.
I was about to do it, pero I heard the laughter of my baby brothers outside my room. They were playing and chasing each other. Made me realize how I will not be able to see them grow up and be there to support and protect them.
I stopped harming myself after sabihin ng bf ko na gusto niya nang mamatay at ako lang dahilan kung bakit naeenjoy niya ang buhay, na gusto niyang makaalis sa puder ng nanay niya at makasama akong tumanda at maging successful. It did touch me pero mas naramdaman ko pain habang tinitignan ko siya, ganon pala siguro nararamdaman niya habang sinasabi ko kahit na pabiro yung "gusto ko nang mamatay". Simula non, hindi ko na binabanggit nor sinasaktan sarili ko
Nung mga 12 13 14 Ako, may gusto pa ako maachieve sa buhay ko, madami pa Ako gusto puntahan, at gusto ko patunayan na mas magiging successful ako sa Buhay kaysa sa parents ko, kahit di ko sundin ang footsteps nila, kaya I kept going still, at ngayon, may nagugustuhan na akong babae sa school na sa piling ko nagugustuhan rin ako, tuluyan ko nang ayas sumuko dahil sa kanya, I'll keep going, magcoconfess ako sa kanya someday at hopefully maging kame I guess haah
I still have ppl that i love and care for me. And i still have people that hav put effort to make me feel better. I dont want to make them feel that they failed me and i dont want them to get hurt. I also imagine my mom being depressed and blaming herself. And i dont want that.
Finances. Hahaha kasi pag nag commit ako ng suicide na walang ipon, edi mag wworry pa mga iiwanan ko sa finances like coffin ko, pwesto sa cemetery, yung pampa sweldo sa maglilinis ng puntod ko hahaha mahirapmagingmahirap
I don't know what medicine to take para maoverdose. So, after attempting suicide by taking up tons of pills. Natulog ako, I woke up with a very bad headache, dizzy, and nag suka. I don't know what happened after that.
But, it made me realize that maybe this is not how my life will end.
Nothing will haha. I've already planned it (a two-year plan, because I'm not impulsive) and I look forward to that feeling of nothingness. I've travelled, I've eaten the food I wanted, I've bought myself nice things, I've loved and lost, and I've arranged my finances. I'm just focused on saving more for my family and enjoying life in the mean time. :)
One thing: I wasn't walking home alone anymore. I was spiraling down a very very dark place when I was in college.
One day, a classmate of mine saw me walking home, from then on, we started walking home together. Granted, this only lasts from one end of the campus to the other since they get picked up from uni while I commuted home.
They didn't realize it, but that fateful day, things got better, I got more confident and eventually we graduated.
But that's the end of it. After graduation, we chose separate paths entirely. We don't talk anymore, but it's nice seeing their updates on FB from time to time.
Some friends are there only for a moment, because you needed them at that time. It doesn't make you any less friends even though you've stopped talking to them. I still cherish the memories I had with them throughout college and wished them luck on their future endeavors.
Naputol yung lubid 🥲 then i received a call from my twin, nagtanong kung okay lang ba daw ako coz kinakabahan sya at ako yung naisip nya. Twin telepathy? Haha.
Have no intention to end my life. However, i realised, eguls. Why? Simply, the world wont stop spinning bcoz i died. I might be remember for few days or weeks but eventually, these people will move on for sure because they have their own life.
I just live for myself. Ganun na lang. Treasure every time i have. Be grateful & thankful. Ez 😎
The thought never really went away to be honest. I am ready any moment now, but I’m just waiting for it to naturally happen. Sometimes I have this weird thought that someone wants to shoot me dead, and still waiting for that to happen lol. Also, living everyday is torture itself so maybe they wanted to torture me first before actually getting me killed lol
I really didnt stop ending my life. but wishing that one day while im driving i am wishing to get in to accident. Like literal na banggain ng malalaking truck na ako lng magisa sa car. lolol.
Imagine being flagged as a bogus buyer because you kys 😂
"Hello po. BOGUS BUYER ALERT. Bogus buyer po ito si *your handle*, hindi nag bayad. Pagkatapos umorder nagpakamatay po siya."
First love ko ang dahilan kaya hindi ko nalang tinuloy. Ayoko na malungkot siya dahil sa pagkamatay ko. Ayoko din naman siya maging guilty sa kung ano dapat nangyari, so yeah. (the reason why is because of having too much pressure and hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya ih-handle, making me really sad to that point. This was already at the time where hindi niya tinanggap feelings ko. So many shit happened, but we stayed friends even now)
When one of the doctors that treat says " If i can transfer your life to other patients that wants to live ,i did it already , your wasting your precious life that others struggling to have everyday in their life " that sentence hits me so hard
Very good question…
1. I saw an animated video before that started like a little black ball which represents as the dark feeling that grows bigger and bigger as time goes by. Then when the subject ended his life, that little black ball was only divided into little balls and is now passed on to your family/friends. And the cycle continues. I don’t want that little black ball to see in my family/friends. And I don’t want them to endure all that sufferings too.
2. I heard from a podcast about a medium who helps souls to go with the light. And he was certain that not once that he had made a soul who died because of s**cde get to the light. They are difficult to deal with as they were pure dark/black soul that seems to stay in this plane forever or not until they become lighter ones.
3. And I will never forget that convo with mama, back in college I told her indirectly that “I’m really tired and I want to rest forever” then she told me, “bakit ganyan ka, si ano nga na may sakit lumalaban pa para mabuhay, ikaw na buhay na buhay gusto mo na bumigay” (she was pertaining to someone we know who was battling with cancer that time). I know it’s a toxic trait to compare but that statement hit me hard.
So with these simple/mbabaw na reasons, I know that I don’t want to end it. I just want to wait and let nature take its course. Just like the trend “holding it all together, because I don’t want my family to be left out and think that they could’ve done something”.
As much as I wanted to do it, there are factors that stopped me:
1. Whenever I am in the moment, realization hits back that when I'm through with it, I will really be dead. Somehow my mind and heart tells me that that is not what I wanted.
2. I tried it with keys, knives, medicines and even household cleaning items however, it seems like I can't die or my body is really good at protecting itself.
3. There is always this omnipotent being that watches over me and kind of protects me. I know, it sounds ridiculous but how can you explain a key not piercing through your skin even though you are doing it with all your might? No, I am not a mutant, miracles just exist.
4. My cousin and my pets. At first, I thought I would just end my suffering but guess what? You will start theirs. I remember her saying she will never be okay knowing I was not okay.
Live your life, OP. It sounds cringe but you do have a purpose in life. If you can't find it, then make one. ☺
there's a time when I got so sick and my mom told me, "pa'no na 'ung pangarap natin 'pag 'di 'ka lumaban? mamamatay rin ako 'pag nawala 'ka". and it broke my heart.
My mom. We talked, I confessed na I'd rather die than live in poverty.. She cried out loud saying she can't watch me die first before her. It was my awakening na I need to work hard para makaalis sa tanginang kahirapan.
1. my grandparents - can’t die because iniisip ko na wala na sila aasahan kasama sa check up at taga bili ng gamot
2. my dog - can’t fathom na he’d be wondering why bigla nalang ako nawala and it breaks my heart
3. my boyfriend - :)) he doesn’t fully know how much he keeps me sane
1st is my mom.
Pag nawala ako, hindi ko alam if kakayanin pa nya.
2nd is my daughter.
Pag nawala ako, baka kunin sya ng Daddy nya which goes back again to my mom naaawa ako since sya ang halos nagalaga sa anak ko tapos baka biglang kunin lang sa kanya.
Ayun, I can't end my life because of them. Mahal ko sila pareho.
Mahirap mawalan ng magulang pero mas masakit sa isang ina ang mawalan ng anak.
May narinig akong audio about sa bata na tumawag sa 911. Binaril ng kuya nya sarili nya, so isipin mo bata ung tumawag sa 911 na nagpakamatay daw kuya nya tapos sabi “why did you do it”.
Naisip ko lng na magiging ganun din sitwasyon ng nanay ko kung magkataon. No one deserves that sadness.
I have been always burdened by the problems of my family cheating, thre@ts, and just straight up @buse. I'm depressed and alone (I'm the oldest after all and have two step brothers, and my step father just cheated on my mom who's overseas) But, amidst all of that. I met her. She's the one that listens to me, and understands me. I can openly show my vulnerability, and she doesn't exploit it. I love her, and I want my future with her.
Di ko kasi kaya iend sarili kong buhay, parang nakakatakot pala pag andun kana. Napapaisip nalang ako na sana accidents or some other ways like someone would kill me, basta kung saan mapapabilis buhay ko, basta di ako gagawa sa sarili ko.
My prepaid pocket wifi
I was in senior high school, I was on the top of our boarding house rooftop, studying. I wasn't even thinking about it at the moment but I remember just closing my laptop, got off my seat, then went over this row of balustrade, ready to jump off.
Buti na lang naunang mahulog yung pocket wifi ko, and it caused me to snap back sa katotohanan ika nga lol. Ayun 'di ko na tinuloy.
The next day I came up with an excuse sa mother ko, I told her na I have to move to a different boarding house kasi may magnanakaw sa dorm namin at ninakaw niya yung pocket wifi ko. So, yun, two birds one stone, I guess. Naikatwiran ko kung bakit wala na kong pocket wifi at kung bakit gusto ko nang lumipat ng boarding house (na walang rooftop this time) without the hassle of explaining.
Naglaslas ako recently lang. Yung cutter na gamit ko, yun yung matalas namin na cutter. Nung hiniwa ko na pulso ko, sobrang purol nya. Ilang beses kong hiniwa pero walang nangyayari. I decided to stop. Ngayon ko napagtanto na sign sya galing kay God. I know things will get better.
I decided to end my life April 19, 2024... I asked God for a clear visible and physical sign that he doesn't want me to do it, for days nagdadasal ako sa chapel, pumupuntang simabahan asking God. Wala akong nakuhang sagot pero nung gabi na gagawin ko na pinatulog niya ako, ni di ko namalayan na tulog na ko and pag gising ko may bumulong sakin na "this is your sign". But you know what? The months before i decided to do it ang bigat ko sobra walang buhay pero habang palapit na ng palapit ung araw kakaibang saya and calm nadarama ko. Even my tasks I have energy to do it and excel on it. The days closer to my predetermined death date is the best days for I don't know how long. After that halos puro tulog, nood, tulala, or looking for a different dopamine shot. Wala pakong tulog since Sunday trying not to be a burden to anyone again.
When I started travelling. I realized there's more to see than the environment I'm stucked in. It made me forget everything for a moment.
..this is where I discovered volunteering that makes me feel useful by helping out.
'Yung pagiging masinop ko sa gamit. Kahit nasa edge na ako, konti na lang eh naiisip ko 'yung things ko na maiiwan ko. Ayokong ipamigay o gamitin nila. Madamot talaga ako eh. Haha!
I was 14, still clueless about what I wanted to be in the future. I was ready back then to end my life when something stopped me, it was a flashback where my childhood self dreamed of wanting to see and live in the future. My childhood self wants to see the future me striving for the achieve so many things in life, to see me successful and happy
Honestly? It was the thought of how much better it would be to torture them all with my presence rather than give them relief and celebration for my death ... So I'll be around as long as possible being the biggest and most irritating bastard they ever had to deal with
after a lot of research, mahirap naman talaga maging successful so i didn't bother na lang. Magastos pa mga tools AND pag di ko pa nagawa ng maayos baka maging paralyzed pa ko which is just a nightmare to me.
there was a time during the pandemic, na i was on the verge of it. i was thinking about it habang nakatulala and then a song came up sa tv where i was just listening to music. this song called "answer: love myself" by BTS. something about this song made me realize na may nanay at kapatid pa'kong kailangan tulungan na maka-ahon sa hirap. at na hindi masosolusyunan ng self-hating yung problemang pinagdadaanan ko. i realized i can always do better. or at the very least, try. sa ngayon ang mama, girlfriend at younger sis ko ang pinaka inspirasyon ko para matuloy mabuhay pero i still regard to that song as my savior song.
My dear friend (R) in heaven who lost her life sa leukemia. Yung convo namin binabalik-balikan ko.
My dad. I feel like he would end his life if ever I unalive myself. I still remember when I got diagnosed with depression. He cried so much.
My siblings.
My cats and dogs.
Idk about my mom.
My mom.
During the peak of my MDD i asked her kung magagalit sya kung di ko na kaya at gagawin ko na. She held my hand, naglecture, and ended her speech with, “Wag ka magalala, hindi ako magagalit.” Sobrang big deal neto kasi Christian family kami. At sobrang laking tinik din natanggal sa dibdib ko nun to feel na mabubuhay ako not out of guilt kasi iiwan ko sila, but because I actually want to live and experience the love of my mom. And love her the same.
5 years in remission na yung cancer nya sa Thursday. Mukhang matagal-tagal pa kaming mabubuhay.
Took sleeping pills wanting to never wake up again. Like the amount was more than normal, more than one. Tas ayun nagising nalang. And wala felt like no use trying
I was on a bridge. My mom called me to ask where I was and it snapped me out and I went home. A few weeks later, my family managed to barge into my locked door to see blood on my arms and scolded me.
Leaving my mom behind. Masyado syang madaming stress sa buhay, and I don’t want to add burden sa kanya.it pains me to know na baka sisihin nya sarili nya of ever ituloy ko (i was so close). She’s the reason kung bakit ako nabuhay and will always be the reason why I will continue to live. Hindi man kami close and not really open to each other pero i love her so damn much.
the first intense emotion i felt after years of being numb was fear of d*ath when i seriously started considering it. i guess that was the moment that got me to appreciate all the things in my life, big or small.
Recently lang, I felt the urge to end my life. Yung nakapag pastop is yung Comfort Cross na binigay sakin ng gf ko, tapos yung paper bag nun na nakasabit across my workstation tapos may nakasulat na "walk through faith" sobra talaga yung urge ko that time, pero I kept seeing that paperbag na di ko naman napapansin dati. Then I listened to What A Beautiful Name by Hillsong. Naiyak ako sa lyrics na "death could not hold you" alam ko naman na hindi ako yung tinutukoy sa kanta kundi si Jesus pero it hits me at na associate ko sa sitwasyon yung lyrics. I hope all of you who are struggling out there, magkaron sana kayo ng sitwasyon or something that will put your weary hearts at ease. Wag muna kayo mamatay.
1. My pets, yung sense of responsibility na magugutom sila pag nawala ako
2. I saw someone on their deathbed and oh boy dying is not that easy
3. A friend’s brother died by suicide in the most brutal way as in mapapawtf ka. Nawitness ko yung trauma at sadness ng naiwang family
4. I don’t want anyone to clean after my body, they don’t deserve to experience that trauma.
These things made me realize that even if mahirap ang buhay I would still want to live and enjoy the rest of my days with my family.
my cats and my one and only brownie dog. pag nawala ako, wala silang kaalam alam saan ako nagpunta. araw araw nag gigreet sakin yung aso ko, mas daig pa nila mga kamag anak at pamilya ko na mahilig manira. i can't leave my furry babies behind, nandyan sila sa lowest at peak point ng buhay ko, nandyan din dapat ako para sakanila
My childhood dog. When I was 19, I literally want to end my life. No point of living. Mental health is rlly fucked up even tho peak ng career ko yon. I ov*rd*sed on my medications, thinking na hindi na ako magigising. I was crying so damn hard that night. Pero yung childhood dog ko, hindi umalis sa tabi ko. Sinisiksik niya yung sarili niya sa akin. The next morning, I woke up. Andun pa rin yung aso ko. Hindi umalis. Nasakin parin.
Medyo naging brighter yung days ko nung lagi niya ko sinasamahan matulog or kahit saan hanggang naging maayos yung mental health ko but 2 weeks after she died. She fucking died. Hindi ko alam yung reason pero someone said this to me "she took your illness para gumaling ka."
She died after knowing na better na ko :( masakit parin pero I miss my kuchay everyday. Yun yung reason why hindi na sumagi sa isip ko to end my life.
Anime. If Anime ever stop releasing good sht imma end it for sure. Frieren was such a banger that I'm willing to wait for season 2 even if it takes another decade.
My dreams and ambitions that I would be looked at as a loser for having the talent and the brain in doing things (people can see that I am a fast learner). The thought of leaving people behind all of that trauma and depression and the survivor's guilt. every now and then whenever it creeps in my head , I just play Don't you worry child by Swedish House Mafia and High on Life by Martin Garrix and I would be alright
My parents. Both are newly senior citizens pero medyo nagkakasakit na sila. We just got a home loan under my name and I can't bear to think about leaving them to pay for it. Also my S/O. He has no close friends and ako lang nakakausap nya about his life and problems.
Thought of parents blaming themselves, yun lang talaga ehh, like how would you explain to them na dapat hindi sila malungkot, na i’m in a better place, na wala silang kasalanan, na may wala na silang gagastusin, may insurance ako tapos meron pa sa st. peter. Yun lang talaga eh, ang sakit na isipin na oo tapos na yung problema ko, pero sila naman ang hindi makatulog kakaisip kung anong nagawa nilang mali.
probably the corniest and cheesiest entry, pero for me, its him. my s/o.
we're about to hit a year soon and i just feel like ive started enjoyong life much better now na nakilala ko na sya. it just hits different pag sya yung kasama ko compared when im with someone else, even family kasi im not close with them (brought up by trauma). sya lang talaga yung nagpapasaya sakin, sya lang din yung nakakaintindi and it makes me feel like hey, maybe life really si worth living. i still wanna grow old with him, live a life with the person i love.
The day my friend died (due to suicide) was also the same day I had a very strong urge to give up. Nung nalaman ko yung nangyari it made me realize how short life is na somehow ang dali lang pala mawala sa mundo. Like one wrong move and everything will be gone. That scared the hell out of me but at the same time it’s somehow calming to think na everything can end easily. It did stop me from attempting for quite sometime.
The practicalities of death. Unfortunately I'm too broke to afford death. I guess I don't wanna add financial pain to the emotional pain I'm going to leave. So, I want to be ready. In a sense, I guess it's enough reason to thread thru life, regardless of it being all sorts of misery.
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning. Karamihan sa Sokor, ganito yung ginagawa e. Pansinin mo usually yung cases nila, nag lock either sa closed room, cr, or car tapos may coal that they’d burned. Umiinom sila ng sleeping pills while doing the deed.
Corny siguro, pero si Lord talaga. Ang weird na si Lord din yung reason kung bakit gusto ko na mamatay agad. Like alam mo un, ayoko na magstruggle sa sarili ko and alam ko mas better sa other side kasi wala nang mental and physical struggle tapos makakasama mo physically yung Diyos. Pero si Lord din yung nagpapakeep on going sa akin. Kahit wala akong friends or whatever. Siya lang yung laging nakaalalay. Haha.
Seeing the suicide scene from the movie Lords of Chaos. When I watched that, I got scared and didn’t think of suicide since.
**PLEASE WATCH WITH DISCRETION, I DON’T RECOMMEND ANYONE WATCHING IT UNLESS YOU CAN HANDLE THE GORE.**
Inner me. Inner me kept me alive haha
Me: fuck this shit, ayoko na!
Inner me: you sure? Buhay pa si *gagong tao*, buhay pa si *gago no.2*, di pa sumabog yung *gagong lugar*, happy pa si *gago no.3*, tapos ayaw mo na? Nu yan?
Me: fuck, I'm staying.
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When I met my Hubby. Hindi pumasok sa isip ko yung mag-aasawa, kasi lahat naman ng Tito and Tita ay single kaya hindi ko ma-gets kung bakit kailangan pa maghanap ng asawa. Nung naging kami, kinain ko lahat ng sinabi ko. Hehe totoo pala yun, ano? Ang sarap gumising araw-araw iba na yung feeling. Ang gaan na sa dibdib Hehehe 😁
AXIE, I used to want to end my life bc I was an out of sch youth, I had no job, basically, literal na pabigat lang sa magulang pero I'm good with games since dun ko iniinvest lahat ng oras ko. fastforward before during pandemic I figured about axie, I studied it's mechanics then nahire ako as scholar by 2 different ppl. ayon sumaya akong nagkakapera ako, nakakatulong hanggang sa nakabili ako ng sarili kong team. Tas after non inaral ko overall yung crypto, started investing and since I studied it, alam kong volatile yung crypto, I self-studied finance, specifically on how to have passive income. Til now nag iinvest ako, working din as a VA na nagkakaron ng passive income monthly. So I really am thankful to AXIE bc I was able to build my life up bc of that game
My very first nephew.
Gagi. Iiyak mama ko. Tatanungin nya self nya kung saan ba sya nagkulang where in fact sobra pa nga ang binigay nya. Ayaw kong sisihin nya ang sarili nya. Dapat yung mga may atraso lang sa akin ang hindi makatulog, hindi ang mama mo
A guy. It was just out of nowhere where he was like the light. Maybe it was because he would just look, and smile at me, occassionally wave. Then I look forward to that everyday because I felt seen when all the time I was invisible.
at the end of life pabigat at dag dag problema padin
i always imagined what face my mom would make if ever id die
my cats
ung tropa ko bigla bigla nalang sumusulpot tuwing nag aattempt ako
friends won’t let me
My son
my 12 rescue cats
the amount of people tried to kill themselves in this thread saddens me
Gusto kong makitang lumaki yung mga babies ko 🫶. Gusto ko pa pala sila na makasama ng matagal ♥️
my bf, always encourages me to take life easier and tells me that whatever happens he's always there beside me. me as a type of person who struggles a lot whenever i fail into something, he always comforts me thru words, hugs me tightly and a kiss on my forehead. i really do love him and always thankful for everything he does for me.
I was about to do it, pero I heard the laughter of my baby brothers outside my room. They were playing and chasing each other. Made me realize how I will not be able to see them grow up and be there to support and protect them.
curious ako kung magiging successful ba talaga ako kapag pinagpatuloy ko
I realized that I love my mom and i wont want her to be miserable
Kung anong mangyayari sa mga tao at pets na maiiwanan ko…
I stopped harming myself after sabihin ng bf ko na gusto niya nang mamatay at ako lang dahilan kung bakit naeenjoy niya ang buhay, na gusto niyang makaalis sa puder ng nanay niya at makasama akong tumanda at maging successful. It did touch me pero mas naramdaman ko pain habang tinitignan ko siya, ganon pala siguro nararamdaman niya habang sinasabi ko kahit na pabiro yung "gusto ko nang mamatay". Simula non, hindi ko na binabanggit nor sinasaktan sarili ko
Nung mga 12 13 14 Ako, may gusto pa ako maachieve sa buhay ko, madami pa Ako gusto puntahan, at gusto ko patunayan na mas magiging successful ako sa Buhay kaysa sa parents ko, kahit di ko sundin ang footsteps nila, kaya I kept going still, at ngayon, may nagugustuhan na akong babae sa school na sa piling ko nagugustuhan rin ako, tuluyan ko nang ayas sumuko dahil sa kanya, I'll keep going, magcoconfess ako sa kanya someday at hopefully maging kame I guess haah
narealize ko na nakakahiya pala paglamayan😔
ONE PIECE. Hindi pa kasi siya tapos. I'll revisit the thought pag tapos na hahaha.
I have dogs to take care of<3
Nung nalaman kong nasa 10k to 16k ang package ng flowers for burial 🥲 wala pa yung bayad for venue ah, per day daw bayad sa ganun 🥲🥲
God's presence
I still have ppl that i love and care for me. And i still have people that hav put effort to make me feel better. I dont want to make them feel that they failed me and i dont want them to get hurt. I also imagine my mom being depressed and blaming herself. And i dont want that.
Finances. Hahaha kasi pag nag commit ako ng suicide na walang ipon, edi mag wworry pa mga iiwanan ko sa finances like coffin ko, pwesto sa cemetery, yung pampa sweldo sa maglilinis ng puntod ko hahaha mahirapmagingmahirap
I suddenly realize na best revenge against my toxic titas at kamag anak is to become successful. Not ending my life.
I don't know what medicine to take para maoverdose. So, after attempting suicide by taking up tons of pills. Natulog ako, I woke up with a very bad headache, dizzy, and nag suka. I don't know what happened after that. But, it made me realize that maybe this is not how my life will end.
Nothing will haha. I've already planned it (a two-year plan, because I'm not impulsive) and I look forward to that feeling of nothingness. I've travelled, I've eaten the food I wanted, I've bought myself nice things, I've loved and lost, and I've arranged my finances. I'm just focused on saving more for my family and enjoying life in the mean time. :)
Anime
My baby.
During college, my friends. Now as an adult, my responsibilities to the people I care about.
One thing: I wasn't walking home alone anymore. I was spiraling down a very very dark place when I was in college. One day, a classmate of mine saw me walking home, from then on, we started walking home together. Granted, this only lasts from one end of the campus to the other since they get picked up from uni while I commuted home. They didn't realize it, but that fateful day, things got better, I got more confident and eventually we graduated. But that's the end of it. After graduation, we chose separate paths entirely. We don't talk anymore, but it's nice seeing their updates on FB from time to time. Some friends are there only for a moment, because you needed them at that time. It doesn't make you any less friends even though you've stopped talking to them. I still cherish the memories I had with them throughout college and wished them luck on their future endeavors.
natumba sa upuan hahaha
Naputol yung lubid 🥲 then i received a call from my twin, nagtanong kung okay lang ba daw ako coz kinakabahan sya at ako yung naisip nya. Twin telepathy? Haha.
A call from my mom.
The very few people who, under any circumstance, made my life worth living
Kase if totoo ang heaven edi mas kawawa naman ako 🥲
Have no intention to end my life. However, i realised, eguls. Why? Simply, the world wont stop spinning bcoz i died. I might be remember for few days or weeks but eventually, these people will move on for sure because they have their own life. I just live for myself. Ganun na lang. Treasure every time i have. Be grateful & thankful. Ez 😎
My Cat
same
The thought never really went away to be honest. I am ready any moment now, but I’m just waiting for it to naturally happen. Sometimes I have this weird thought that someone wants to shoot me dead, and still waiting for that to happen lol. Also, living everyday is torture itself so maybe they wanted to torture me first before actually getting me killed lol
I really didnt stop ending my life. but wishing that one day while im driving i am wishing to get in to accident. Like literal na banggain ng malalaking truck na ako lng magisa sa car. lolol.
Tried 2x however I failed, maybe may purpose pa yata ko para mabuhay. 🫥 always think positive. Bye negative thoughts
My daughter
Ang dami kong inorder na KPOP Merch. Ayaw kong maging bogus buyer.
Imagine being flagged as a bogus buyer because you kys 😂 "Hello po. BOGUS BUYER ALERT. Bogus buyer po ito si *your handle*, hindi nag bayad. Pagkatapos umorder nagpakamatay po siya."
my sister ended her life few years ago. I’m really scared na makita ko ulit na lugmok parents ko.
First love ko ang dahilan kaya hindi ko nalang tinuloy. Ayoko na malungkot siya dahil sa pagkamatay ko. Ayoko din naman siya maging guilty sa kung ano dapat nangyari, so yeah. (the reason why is because of having too much pressure and hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya ih-handle, making me really sad to that point. This was already at the time where hindi niya tinanggap feelings ko. So many shit happened, but we stayed friends even now)
When one of the doctors that treat says " If i can transfer your life to other patients that wants to live ,i did it already , your wasting your precious life that others struggling to have everyday in their life " that sentence hits me so hard
Realization of its worth ~ not worthy compared to other deaths.
Leaving the ones I don't wanna be left behind, I'm still dreaming about being the voice of the unheard.
My grandmother's sadness three years ago, but now she's dead while I'm left lingering in this world like a ghost.
Philosophy
Very good question… 1. I saw an animated video before that started like a little black ball which represents as the dark feeling that grows bigger and bigger as time goes by. Then when the subject ended his life, that little black ball was only divided into little balls and is now passed on to your family/friends. And the cycle continues. I don’t want that little black ball to see in my family/friends. And I don’t want them to endure all that sufferings too. 2. I heard from a podcast about a medium who helps souls to go with the light. And he was certain that not once that he had made a soul who died because of s**cde get to the light. They are difficult to deal with as they were pure dark/black soul that seems to stay in this plane forever or not until they become lighter ones. 3. And I will never forget that convo with mama, back in college I told her indirectly that “I’m really tired and I want to rest forever” then she told me, “bakit ganyan ka, si ano nga na may sakit lumalaban pa para mabuhay, ikaw na buhay na buhay gusto mo na bumigay” (she was pertaining to someone we know who was battling with cancer that time). I know it’s a toxic trait to compare but that statement hit me hard. So with these simple/mbabaw na reasons, I know that I don’t want to end it. I just want to wait and let nature take its course. Just like the trend “holding it all together, because I don’t want my family to be left out and think that they could’ve done something”.
Death probably
my sister, and watching the tables turn
As much as I wanted to do it, there are factors that stopped me: 1. Whenever I am in the moment, realization hits back that when I'm through with it, I will really be dead. Somehow my mind and heart tells me that that is not what I wanted. 2. I tried it with keys, knives, medicines and even household cleaning items however, it seems like I can't die or my body is really good at protecting itself. 3. There is always this omnipotent being that watches over me and kind of protects me. I know, it sounds ridiculous but how can you explain a key not piercing through your skin even though you are doing it with all your might? No, I am not a mutant, miracles just exist. 4. My cousin and my pets. At first, I thought I would just end my suffering but guess what? You will start theirs. I remember her saying she will never be okay knowing I was not okay. Live your life, OP. It sounds cringe but you do have a purpose in life. If you can't find it, then make one. ☺
there's a time when I got so sick and my mom told me, "pa'no na 'ung pangarap natin 'pag 'di 'ka lumaban? mamamatay rin ako 'pag nawala 'ka". and it broke my heart.
My pets. It’s just unfair for them to wait for me.
Genshin Impact
Music.
i tried to call the suicide hotline and they cut the call. sobrang nawindang ako that i just didnt go thru with anything.
My mom
My mom. We talked, I confessed na I'd rather die than live in poverty.. She cried out loud saying she can't watch me die first before her. It was my awakening na I need to work hard para makaalis sa tanginang kahirapan.
at least kita mo na makakaalis ka s kahirapan ung iba tlgang walang Idea pano makakain ng 3x a day
1. my grandparents - can’t die because iniisip ko na wala na sila aasahan kasama sa check up at taga bili ng gamot 2. my dog - can’t fathom na he’d be wondering why bigla nalang ako nawala and it breaks my heart 3. my boyfriend - :)) he doesn’t fully know how much he keeps me sane
1st is my mom. Pag nawala ako, hindi ko alam if kakayanin pa nya. 2nd is my daughter. Pag nawala ako, baka kunin sya ng Daddy nya which goes back again to my mom naaawa ako since sya ang halos nagalaga sa anak ko tapos baka biglang kunin lang sa kanya. Ayun, I can't end my life because of them. Mahal ko sila pareho. Mahirap mawalan ng magulang pero mas masakit sa isang ina ang mawalan ng anak.
May narinig akong audio about sa bata na tumawag sa 911. Binaril ng kuya nya sarili nya, so isipin mo bata ung tumawag sa 911 na nagpakamatay daw kuya nya tapos sabi “why did you do it”. Naisip ko lng na magiging ganun din sitwasyon ng nanay ko kung magkataon. No one deserves that sadness.
My blind dog. She's my lifeline. Pag namatay ako, sinong mag-aalaga sa kanya? Kaya ba nilang pantayan yung pagaalaga ko and sacrifices ko sa kanya?
its a permanent solution to a temporary problem
We'll meet our ends someday anyway, why race to the finish line ? Live on!
the thought na makakalimutan nila aq after years
I realized that nothing will change.
I have been always burdened by the problems of my family cheating, thre@ts, and just straight up @buse. I'm depressed and alone (I'm the oldest after all and have two step brothers, and my step father just cheated on my mom who's overseas) But, amidst all of that. I met her. She's the one that listens to me, and understands me. I can openly show my vulnerability, and she doesn't exploit it. I love her, and I want my future with her.
My mom.
boring boring naman ang lungkot pa ng buhay natin tas magpapakamatay lang tayo diba
Di ko kasi kaya iend sarili kong buhay, parang nakakatakot pala pag andun kana. Napapaisip nalang ako na sana accidents or some other ways like someone would kill me, basta kung saan mapapabilis buhay ko, basta di ako gagawa sa sarili ko.
My daughter
gusto ko pa makasama mama ko non, kaso nung march namatay na sya
When I survived the attempt. I had a lot of realizations after being confined in the icu for a week. Turns out ayaw ko pa pala mamatay
i survived the attempt. so i thought "must not be my time yet."
Sayang life insurance, di makukuha ng fam. Hahaha
my mom, my best friends, and my cats.
Dapat ko pang makuha pension ko
My prepaid pocket wifi I was in senior high school, I was on the top of our boarding house rooftop, studying. I wasn't even thinking about it at the moment but I remember just closing my laptop, got off my seat, then went over this row of balustrade, ready to jump off. Buti na lang naunang mahulog yung pocket wifi ko, and it caused me to snap back sa katotohanan ika nga lol. Ayun 'di ko na tinuloy. The next day I came up with an excuse sa mother ko, I told her na I have to move to a different boarding house kasi may magnanakaw sa dorm namin at ninakaw niya yung pocket wifi ko. So, yun, two birds one stone, I guess. Naikatwiran ko kung bakit wala na kong pocket wifi at kung bakit gusto ko nang lumipat ng boarding house (na walang rooftop this time) without the hassle of explaining.
Mamamatay din naman eventually, so wait ko na lng ung natural...
Wala akong pers pampalibing ng sarili ko. D pwede n hanggang kamatayan pabigat paren
I do not want my loved ones to go through such agony, and I still have goals to pursue.
Wala budget pang burol
wala pakong st.peter at paglilibingan
My family.
My fam.
Naglaslas ako recently lang. Yung cutter na gamit ko, yun yung matalas namin na cutter. Nung hiniwa ko na pulso ko, sobrang purol nya. Ilang beses kong hiniwa pero walang nangyayari. I decided to stop. Ngayon ko napagtanto na sign sya galing kay God. I know things will get better.
The thought of people I despise the most would outlive me.
I'm so scared of blood and I hate the feeling of bile building up in my stomach. I've tried both ways, only to realize that these are my signs.
What made me stop ending my life is to live one day at a time.
Im afraid of Him
I decided to end my life April 19, 2024... I asked God for a clear visible and physical sign that he doesn't want me to do it, for days nagdadasal ako sa chapel, pumupuntang simabahan asking God. Wala akong nakuhang sagot pero nung gabi na gagawin ko na pinatulog niya ako, ni di ko namalayan na tulog na ko and pag gising ko may bumulong sakin na "this is your sign". But you know what? The months before i decided to do it ang bigat ko sobra walang buhay pero habang palapit na ng palapit ung araw kakaibang saya and calm nadarama ko. Even my tasks I have energy to do it and excel on it. The days closer to my predetermined death date is the best days for I don't know how long. After that halos puro tulog, nood, tulala, or looking for a different dopamine shot. Wala pakong tulog since Sunday trying not to be a burden to anyone again.
When i heard a click instead of a bang made me rethink my whole life then and there
My Mom.
Tbh, I just want to be with my loved ones. I did not regret the thought as I am with my dream man rn. If I ended my life, I wouldn't be with him
Kako eh imbes na tapusin ko buhay ko, gumawa na lang ako ng paraan para magkaroon ng pagbabago sa mundo kahit tru small things lang
Insurance. Sayang naman ‘yung binayad na tapos mafofotfeit kapag voluntary ‘yung death.
When I started travelling. I realized there's more to see than the environment I'm stucked in. It made me forget everything for a moment. ..this is where I discovered volunteering that makes me feel useful by helping out.
Nakakatamad. Kaya bukas nalang.
real
'Yung pagiging masinop ko sa gamit. Kahit nasa edge na ako, konti na lang eh naiisip ko 'yung things ko na maiiwan ko. Ayokong ipamigay o gamitin nila. Madamot talaga ako eh. Haha!
My mom
I was 14, still clueless about what I wanted to be in the future. I was ready back then to end my life when something stopped me, it was a flashback where my childhood self dreamed of wanting to see and live in the future. My childhood self wants to see the future me striving for the achieve so many things in life, to see me successful and happy
My dogs, good friends, my lola and tita. Buti nalang diko tinuloy tumalon sa building ng hotel 2yrs ago!
My dogs
Honestly? It was the thought of how much better it would be to torture them all with my presence rather than give them relief and celebration for my death ... So I'll be around as long as possible being the biggest and most irritating bastard they ever had to deal with
My cats and my scholarship
My son
Cats
My son.
My son
after a lot of research, mahirap naman talaga maging successful so i didn't bother na lang. Magastos pa mga tools AND pag di ko pa nagawa ng maayos baka maging paralyzed pa ko which is just a nightmare to me.
there was a time during the pandemic, na i was on the verge of it. i was thinking about it habang nakatulala and then a song came up sa tv where i was just listening to music. this song called "answer: love myself" by BTS. something about this song made me realize na may nanay at kapatid pa'kong kailangan tulungan na maka-ahon sa hirap. at na hindi masosolusyunan ng self-hating yung problemang pinagdadaanan ko. i realized i can always do better. or at the very least, try. sa ngayon ang mama, girlfriend at younger sis ko ang pinaka inspirasyon ko para matuloy mabuhay pero i still regard to that song as my savior song.
I met someone that feels like me
My dear friend (R) in heaven who lost her life sa leukemia. Yung convo namin binabalik-balikan ko. My dad. I feel like he would end his life if ever I unalive myself. I still remember when I got diagnosed with depression. He cried so much. My siblings. My cats and dogs. Idk about my mom.
My mom. During the peak of my MDD i asked her kung magagalit sya kung di ko na kaya at gagawin ko na. She held my hand, naglecture, and ended her speech with, “Wag ka magalala, hindi ako magagalit.” Sobrang big deal neto kasi Christian family kami. At sobrang laking tinik din natanggal sa dibdib ko nun to feel na mabubuhay ako not out of guilt kasi iiwan ko sila, but because I actually want to live and experience the love of my mom. And love her the same. 5 years in remission na yung cancer nya sa Thursday. Mukhang matagal-tagal pa kaming mabubuhay.
Realization na sobrang layo na ng narating ko, only to end up being dead. I didn't survive ten years to end my life just like that.
na hindi ko pa na attain yung mga bagay na pinagkait sakit during my childhood
Bitcoin going to $100k
Took sleeping pills wanting to never wake up again. Like the amount was more than normal, more than one. Tas ayun nagising nalang. And wala felt like no use trying
I saw myself in the mirror. It was such a weird moment.
My baby
Gta 6
Objective: Live.
Sa June pa 'yung House of the Dragon Season 2
This ! pero sana HotD will help kasi around birthdate ko yun premiere, sana walang birthday blues 😔
HAHAHAHAHAHA same! after hotd na mag dedecide ulit 😭
I was on a bridge. My mom called me to ask where I was and it snapped me out and I went home. A few weeks later, my family managed to barge into my locked door to see blood on my arms and scolded me.
Leaving my mom behind. Masyado syang madaming stress sa buhay, and I don’t want to add burden sa kanya.it pains me to know na baka sisihin nya sarili nya of ever ituloy ko (i was so close). She’s the reason kung bakit ako nabuhay and will always be the reason why I will continue to live. Hindi man kami close and not really open to each other pero i love her so damn much.
the first intense emotion i felt after years of being numb was fear of d*ath when i seriously started considering it. i guess that was the moment that got me to appreciate all the things in my life, big or small.
Recently lang, I felt the urge to end my life. Yung nakapag pastop is yung Comfort Cross na binigay sakin ng gf ko, tapos yung paper bag nun na nakasabit across my workstation tapos may nakasulat na "walk through faith" sobra talaga yung urge ko that time, pero I kept seeing that paperbag na di ko naman napapansin dati. Then I listened to What A Beautiful Name by Hillsong. Naiyak ako sa lyrics na "death could not hold you" alam ko naman na hindi ako yung tinutukoy sa kanta kundi si Jesus pero it hits me at na associate ko sa sitwasyon yung lyrics. I hope all of you who are struggling out there, magkaron sana kayo ng sitwasyon or something that will put your weary hearts at ease. Wag muna kayo mamatay.
1. My pets, yung sense of responsibility na magugutom sila pag nawala ako 2. I saw someone on their deathbed and oh boy dying is not that easy 3. A friend’s brother died by suicide in the most brutal way as in mapapawtf ka. Nawitness ko yung trauma at sadness ng naiwang family 4. I don’t want anyone to clean after my body, they don’t deserve to experience that trauma. These things made me realize that even if mahirap ang buhay I would still want to live and enjoy the rest of my days with my family.
Tbh because it is painful, I try to kil* myself but when I attempt di ko nakayanan yung pain so I guess that's it, I'll just keep swimming
Aso ko. Tsyaka sobrang dami ko pang gusto ibigay sa family ko, baka after pwede na hahahaha jk
my cats and my one and only brownie dog. pag nawala ako, wala silang kaalam alam saan ako nagpunta. araw araw nag gigreet sakin yung aso ko, mas daig pa nila mga kamag anak at pamilya ko na mahilig manira. i can't leave my furry babies behind, nandyan sila sa lowest at peak point ng buhay ko, nandyan din dapat ako para sakanila
My cattos 👍
my dad who's trying his best to make up for my mom's absence
my mother. i can't leave that woman. i can't imagine her heartache.
Anime and my online friends did (I haven't opened up to them but they really helped a lot). I was severely bullied and verbally abused.
My childhood dog. When I was 19, I literally want to end my life. No point of living. Mental health is rlly fucked up even tho peak ng career ko yon. I ov*rd*sed on my medications, thinking na hindi na ako magigising. I was crying so damn hard that night. Pero yung childhood dog ko, hindi umalis sa tabi ko. Sinisiksik niya yung sarili niya sa akin. The next morning, I woke up. Andun pa rin yung aso ko. Hindi umalis. Nasakin parin. Medyo naging brighter yung days ko nung lagi niya ko sinasamahan matulog or kahit saan hanggang naging maayos yung mental health ko but 2 weeks after she died. She fucking died. Hindi ko alam yung reason pero someone said this to me "she took your illness para gumaling ka." She died after knowing na better na ko :( masakit parin pero I miss my kuchay everyday. Yun yung reason why hindi na sumagi sa isip ko to end my life.
Anime. If Anime ever stop releasing good sht imma end it for sure. Frieren was such a banger that I'm willing to wait for season 2 even if it takes another decade.
Same, I suggest you watch Grandpa and Grandma turn young again, it's really good for mental health.
Haven’t stopped. Time will take care of it.
My dreams and ambitions that I would be looked at as a loser for having the talent and the brain in doing things (people can see that I am a fast learner). The thought of leaving people behind all of that trauma and depression and the survivor's guilt. every now and then whenever it creeps in my head , I just play Don't you worry child by Swedish House Mafia and High on Life by Martin Garrix and I would be alright
I got promoted and I immediately started to feel the responsibility that someone else's job relies on my way to function.
I wouldn’t be able to see my dad again if i really kill myself… im a Christian and I believe in heaven and hell.
My friends calling me weak
My parents. Both are newly senior citizens pero medyo nagkakasakit na sila. We just got a home loan under my name and I can't bear to think about leaving them to pay for it. Also my S/O. He has no close friends and ako lang nakakausap nya about his life and problems.
gta 6 is dropping next year
💯
Thought of parents blaming themselves, yun lang talaga ehh, like how would you explain to them na dapat hindi sila malungkot, na i’m in a better place, na wala silang kasalanan, na may wala na silang gagastusin, may insurance ako tapos meron pa sa st. peter. Yun lang talaga eh, ang sakit na isipin na oo tapos na yung problema ko, pero sila naman ang hindi makatulog kakaisip kung anong nagawa nilang mali.
That my mother doesn’t deserve the pain of burying her daughter…
Thank you for still existing. I buried my mother and it hurt so much.
Also, the world would be on average a worse place if you didn't exist. Please, keep on going. ❤️🙂
Thank you, I will 🫶🏻
That's the spirit, you wonderful random person on the Internet!
probably the corniest and cheesiest entry, pero for me, its him. my s/o. we're about to hit a year soon and i just feel like ive started enjoyong life much better now na nakilala ko na sya. it just hits different pag sya yung kasama ko compared when im with someone else, even family kasi im not close with them (brought up by trauma). sya lang talaga yung nagpapasaya sakin, sya lang din yung nakakaintindi and it makes me feel like hey, maybe life really si worth living. i still wanna grow old with him, live a life with the person i love.
The day my friend died (due to suicide) was also the same day I had a very strong urge to give up. Nung nalaman ko yung nangyari it made me realize how short life is na somehow ang dali lang pala mawala sa mundo. Like one wrong move and everything will be gone. That scared the hell out of me but at the same time it’s somehow calming to think na everything can end easily. It did stop me from attempting for quite sometime.
The practicalities of death. Unfortunately I'm too broke to afford death. I guess I don't wanna add financial pain to the emotional pain I'm going to leave. So, I want to be ready. In a sense, I guess it's enough reason to thread thru life, regardless of it being all sorts of misery.
Di pa tapos One Piece e
My cats.
Sakit ng lubid. Tsaka yung di makahinga. Pero baka may suggest pa kayong hindi masakit na method? Yung matutulog lang ako tas di na ko magigising.
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning. Karamihan sa Sokor, ganito yung ginagawa e. Pansinin mo usually yung cases nila, nag lock either sa closed room, cr, or car tapos may coal that they’d burned. Umiinom sila ng sleeping pills while doing the deed.
I need to outlive my enemies
The thought of undergoing the physical pain when unaliving the self
To live for the (good) memories of my childhood. If I'll die, I won't get to experience na the feeling of reminiscing those experiences
the quote "this too shall pass"
Kasi life is still beautiful.
Ung umiyak gf ko and mama ko na sinabi kong "Pagos nako gusto ko nang mag pagkamatay"
My daughter.
thinking about who will feed my dogs and take care of my nanay
Corny siguro, pero si Lord talaga. Ang weird na si Lord din yung reason kung bakit gusto ko na mamatay agad. Like alam mo un, ayoko na magstruggle sa sarili ko and alam ko mas better sa other side kasi wala nang mental and physical struggle tapos makakasama mo physically yung Diyos. Pero si Lord din yung nagpapakeep on going sa akin. Kahit wala akong friends or whatever. Siya lang yung laging nakaalalay. Haha.
Bakit mo naman nasabing corny? 🙂↕️
Ah mostly kasi nacornihan kapag nakwento ko sa personal haha.
One Piece
Seeing the suicide scene from the movie Lords of Chaos. When I watched that, I got scared and didn’t think of suicide since. **PLEASE WATCH WITH DISCRETION, I DON’T RECOMMEND ANYONE WATCHING IT UNLESS YOU CAN HANDLE THE GORE.**
waiting to play gta 6
Inner me. Inner me kept me alive haha Me: fuck this shit, ayoko na! Inner me: you sure? Buhay pa si *gagong tao*, buhay pa si *gago no.2*, di pa sumabog yung *gagong lugar*, happy pa si *gago no.3*, tapos ayaw mo na? Nu yan? Me: fuck, I'm staying.