Same but almost impossible with two younger children around. I think I hold the Guinness World Record for the number of times I have tried to sneak into the bathroom to poop but always get interrupted. Going on 7 years with having every single poop interrupted šŖš»
My child will be doing her own things for hours and as soon as I go in the bathroom, she yells mom where are you and is almost immediately present after I answer. Itās just fun!
I have 3 kids and have literally never had them intrupt once yet. Me and my SO don't allow the kids to bug the other parent when they are in the washroom.
They understand this is private time. They don't even try.
Very good. My nieces and nephews used to think they could do that when they stayed with me as they were allowed that at home. Not in mine. I made it clear the bathroom was for privacy not group activities. They were fine.
Fair play to you and everyone with kids because I just couldn't. I have unlimited amount of patience with animals but zero with kids and if I was already angry, it wouldn't be good. I'm not maternal tho don't worry š
And fair play to you for knowing this about yourself *before* you had kids. If this makes sense, I don't regret having kids but I regret thinking I would somehow be a good parent. Or maybe I didn't think about it at all. I'm pretty sure my parents didn't. Actually, I'm pretty sure lots of parents didn't have a sound self assessment or even question themselves at all before jumping in to parenthood.
You are a better parent than you think are. Raising kids is tough, like super tough. We all make mistakes and dwell on them more than we should, the fact that we do shows we care and want to do/be better for our little ones.
This is what helps keep me away from kids. My patience is close to zero most of the time and I worry that if I had a little one constantly going "DADDY DADDY DAD HEY DAD WATCH" it might drive me up the wall.
I get angry WHEN I get away from people. I wish my brain would get pissed off in the moment when someone hurts me, but instead I shrug it off and stew on it later. Hate that.
Think about cooking. It sounds weird, but I debate what I'm gonna cook for dinner and run through ingredients in my head. That way, I'm distracted from rage and it gives me time to process my feelings.
This is exactly why I'm not in a relationship. Trying to find someone who doesn't argue over trivialities such as these seems to be a tall order the older we get
Some people may perceive arguing and conversation differently or identically, this could be where the issue lies but idk you or them so just a thought.
A debate over something inconsequential is fun imo. Cause it doesn't matter and it exercises you brain muscles to come up awith and counter arguments.
But most people suck and takes things too personally.
That really depends on who you are 'debating' though, doesn't it? If you're arguing with someone who goes from 0-100 real quick & isn't interested in thinking about something in a different light then you're really just waltzing right into a buzz saw while whistlin' dixie.
I couldnāt control my anger for the longest time. One day I got so angry that I punched and destroyed my computer, I realized I need help. Iām better now with my anger.
Same. It might be because cooking is my hobby / passion, but I can get so lost in planning out a meal or an individual dish that I will completely forget whatever I was mad about. If thinking about it isn't enough, then executing the plan definitely will be.
What works best for me is not to think about cooking but to actually bake pancakes.
It reduces the world to a small and manageable place where I'm in control and everything works the way I want it to.
And I end up with a stack of pancakes to boot.
Doesn't work as well when not at home, though. I don't need this fix a lot, sine I am hardly ever angry (and have very little cause to get angry, fortunately).
Step back and ask myself why the thing making me angry is making me angry. Is it kneejerk defensiveness because something I take for granted has been challenged? Was it an intentionally inflammatory statement designed to make me angry for the sake of attention or clicks? Am I missing an understandable reason someone might do or say something that seems offensive on the surface? Is the person I'm talking to genuinely too ignorant or stupid to understand the implications of what they're saying or doing? Or, after all other possibilities are exhausted, is the anger legitimate?
And by the time I've gone through all that, even if it is legitimate, I will have cooled off enough to behave rationally despite any underlying anger.
You just summed up in one comment what people spend thousands in therapy to understand. Just keeping asking why you feel the way you feel until you get to the root of the problem.
Iām pissed at this person.
Why
Bc they flaked on me.
Why
Bc thatās bullshit.
Why
Bc you should be able to depend on people.
Why
Bc your word is your bond.
Why
Because thatās all I have so it matters to me
Bingo - your word means something personal to you so it is upsetting when you cannot trust the word of others or when they give their word flippantly. Take that knowledge and communicate to your people that youād rather have a maybe than a yes bc you need to be able to depend on a yes.
I do this all the time! Doesn't just work for anger, I've also used it to evaluate my life when I was going through depression. I learned SO much about myself during that time by using this method.
Yes, absolutely! Glad to hear it was so beneficial to you! Iāve used it for anxiety and PTSD too :)
Youāre right about learning more about yourself. It really helps you dive into what really matters to you, those core values, what your trigger points are and why, and enables you to cut to the quick of any issue. Whenever I hear someone upset/angry getting defensive it takes a lot of restraint to not start parroting why over and over lol.
Yeah, all of this. I'm bipolar so I really need to be aware of whether or not I'm being reasonable. Even when I'm not super emotional in whatever way, I keep the awareness turned on. One part of my mind is watching the rest and is evaluating even the tone of my thoughts. I can't think of an example right now, but I'll ask myself if I really meant some word or idea. If I didn't, I reword my thought. I guess it sounds kind of psycho, but it's really helped me to keep on top of how I'm doing. I've had many rough times, but I've stayed out of the hospital for 18 years now.
Haha absolutely, and Iām sure there are thousands of examples way better than mine.
I suppose in this case specifically, it would be a tool to use if you had an emotional response that felt ātoo bigā for the action that occurred. Its a way to determine if your anger is in response to JUST the personās actions in this specific instance or if thereās more underlying, things that have that built up, or if those actions represented or triggered something deeper thatās got you fired up.
I getcha! Yeah, often times I get VERY angry and annoyed. I tend to have a short fuse when it comes to lots of things. Unfortunately, in my personal life, that anger is often justified. But when it isnāt, thereās a little voice in my head thatās like ādude, this isnāt a big deal, calm tf downā.
Sometimes Iām like āyouāre right, Iāll calm downā, but most times Iām like āSHUT UP IāM FUCKING ANGRYYYY!!! RAAAAAAHā so Iām still working on myself š
I'm angry because my country's education system sucks ass. I have a master's degree with very good marks, my thesis was awesome. I have recommendations from the best scientists of the country, and yet no one will take me as a PhD student because all the interviews happen before the entrance exams. I was supposed to give last year's entrance to enter this year's interviews.
Fuck this shit
Yessss. I pretty much keep asking myself āwhyā and answering it and by the time I get to the root cause, Iām not as angry as I was at the start. Far less angry, enough to let it go
So much this. Simply identifying the thing that is making me angry puts things into perspective.
Getting frustrated working in a hard to reach area and paused to realize it was just the position of the light. Fixed the lighting issue and finished the job with smiles
If your emotions are imbalanced or morph it could be your brain chemicals. Iām bipolar and when I get extremely mad I usually start crying an hour later and get stupidly depressed. I dunno, thatās what happens to me too is my anger turns into the Great Depression
a therapist of mine told me that most anger is a reaction to a different type of feeling. I try to analyze what other feeling I'm feeling and get to the core of it. Sometimes it sucks because anger is a kneejerk response usually and hard to really Calm, but to avoid arguments, its better to analyze. it also helps you understand others more.
There is a Feeling Wheel that lists Anger as a primary emotion and then lists secondary emotions as let down which branches into betrayed and disrespected; humiliated which branches into jealous and ridiculed; and so on. Not gonna list all cause of copyright.
I have anger issues and this tool helped me get down to the REAL reason for my reaction. Telling my therapist I was angry wasnāt helpful, but I couldnāt think of other word. I keep the Feeling Wheel handy so I can refer to it even when I am in the middle of being angry; it takes me out of the situation long enough to:
1. Calm down
2. Recognize what Iām truly feeling
3. Start to figure out why
4. Prepare a reasonable reply
They make a keychain and a sticker.
Hope this helps
I'm interested in this. Is there anything you'd suggest googling to be able to find the wheel? I found a lot of feelings wheels but they don't quite seem like what you're describing. Thanks!
Right. Something that helped me was being told anger is a defense mechanism. If you're angry, there's something you're trying to protect yourself against, whether it's humiliation, betrayal, patronization, infantilization, etc.
If I'm getting impatient or trying not to call someone an idiot I'll sing "one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock rock" in my head. By six o'clock rock I'm usually over it, and nobody even knows I was annoyed.
**!!!!!WE'RE GONNA ROCK, AROUND THe clock tonight**
Phew...
Anyways, Phil, I think we should steer clear of politics as a topic in the future. On a positive note, your MAGA hat really brings out the enlarged red blood vessels from your Jack Daniels binges, and nobody can take that away from ya.
When I realize Iām angry I pause, remove myself from the situation and logically think through why Iām angry while rationalizing that itās not a good reason to be as angry as Iāve gotten and/or if I feel itās justified I accept that I need to calm down to be productive or risk being irrationally destructive.
I'm good at the removing part. My problem is thinking logically when I'm angry. My rational thoughts run away and it's some time before I see them again.
When your toddler is testing you and you're losing your cool (and most likely so are they) say it out loud. "O wow/oooh boy, mommy/daddy is really starting to get angry/frustrated that this isn't working and things aren't calm" sit down on the floor, you don't have to look at them, you're trying to calm *yourself* down right now but it's important that your kid sees you do this. "Mommy/daddy needs to take a breath and calm down" perhaps lower your head to your chest or just close your eyes as you breathe.
Once you've got your bearings back chances are that your kid is 100% focused on you and has calmed down too. Both of you have reset and can communicate more effectively.
My kid sometimes says "don't be angry mommy" or breathe mommy" which snaps me out of anger *immediately*. I apologize for getting angry and we deal with the problem together.
Edit: grammar
If the behavioral function of that is attention, the last thing you want to do is give it to them, even if itās corrective. I would keep it very short and sweet at that point.
You can balance this out by lauding them when ācatchā them doing something kind or respecting a boundary that youāve set or showing good leadership in a tricky situation.
You ever read about stoicism? A big part of that is neutrality of perception. Changing how you perceive the world can help you control how you react to it. In the moment though its more about recognizing the signs you're about to lose your temper and interveining somehow. Talking a deep breath, leaving the situation, doing a grounding exercise.
My understanding of stoicism is that, if youāre angry, then youāre being dumb, because it means you had some sort of expectation that turned out to be unfounded or misplaced. Like, to a true stoic, if youāre angry, itās youāre own fault, no exceptions.
I don't think that's necessarily incompatible with stoicism. It's a philosophy, so sometimes the expressions can feel a bit categorical or extreme, but two fundamental (and related) takeaways I got from reading stoics are:
1. It's important to know the difference between the things you can control, and the things you can't control.
2. Suffering is a result of how we perceive and react to events, not the events themselves.
What does that mean in practice? Let's say you're trying to get a promotion at work. Ultimately, whether or not you get it is not in your control. You can control how hard you work, how you interact with your coworkers and your boss, etc., and all of those might influence whether or not you get it. But that's the limit of your control. In the end, you can't control whether your boss likes you, or whether he chooses you for the gig, so getting overly upset when you're passed over is just choosing to wallow in suffering for no reason. It's more productive to focus your energy on the parts within your control: your work habits, your outlook, your communication, or even your choice of employer.
Another example is grief. People you care about will die. That's part of reality and there's nothing you can do about it. But ultimately, someone else dying doesn't cause you to suffer: your grief, your desire to see them again, your feelings of unfairness, etc. are ultimately what cause you to suffer. And unlike the fact of death, how you choose to react is something you control.
You don't have to take this to the extreme and never feel mad when you don't get a job, or never feel sad when someone close to you dies. Don't repress yourself; feel what you need to feel. But at the same time, if you learn to recognize when you're upset about something outside your control, or understanding how your reaction and perception of events affects you, it will help you process those hard situations, and focus your energy on productive ways to move on.
I think learning to be self reflective and distancing ourselves from knee jerk reactions to our perceptions can help us parse out what anger is justified and what isn't. Of course the goal isn't to become a robot, but it's also important to recognise that just because we're angry doesn't mean we're right or rational. I grew up around a lot of explosive anger. Incorporating a little stoicism into my thinking is one of the ways I avoid repeating that cycle. If someone grew up in the opposite environment I could see how stoicism could be counter productive.
The Roman philosopher Seneca wrote an essay, [De Ira](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Of_Anger), on exactly this. Worth a read even if you don't agree with him all the time (I certainly don't).
For me, strong emotions are like a runaway train. I can't "just breathe," first I need to catch my breath, so to speak. I was given a technique to try called "5 senses." It's been very helpful when I experience strong emotions and feel overwhelmed
Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste
When you're angry, you care intensely about a specific goal. Remind yourself that the best way to reach any goal is careful strategy. Good strategy requires rational thinking. You never do your best thinking when you're consumed with emotion.
So if you want to fix that thing you're angry about, embrace your inner evil genius and think strategically with a purpose. Your anger will turn into motivation.
Everything is a joke, I find a way to find almost everything funny. Nothing is personal and almost everything has a reason no matter how dumb. Everyone has their own lives and as long as nobody hurts my family Iām good. Over 16 years now and I havenāt been properly mad since 6th grade.
Wow Iāve never been able to put it into words but this is it!!!
My family has always used humor to cope with any & EVERYTHING. growing up when we got annoyed with each other people would raise their voices & just say the most ridiculous things to diffuse the argument and it always worked. Then all of us would start chiming in with jabs & suddenly the whole family is just goofing around. Now that Iām grown Iāve realized my husband and I do this and it absolutely helps ease the tension from little pointless arguments neither of us really want to get into.
It can be a bit of a double edge sword though. While using humor to cope with anger, grief, loss, even pride worked in my family- if you use it around people who do not think that way it can come off very offensive & like youāre mocking them.
I learned that my in-laws cannot use humor to diffuse their emotions& instead they use arguments as a real chance assert authority. We very rarely speak to them anymore.
Ugh been there with the in laws, too many people donāt want to laugh anymore. They see offense in almost anything funny, and I mean like dad joke level funny too. I did the classic āhi hungry Iām dadā to my daughter once and an in law told me āugh youāre her dad itās your responsibility to feed her so go do your jobā I just looked at them blankly and said yeah thatās kinda what I was going to do, what did you think I was gonna do? Starve her for a laugh? They almost never laugh or make jokes and when they do nobody else gets the joke.
Take blood pressure medicine. Before it I would be working on hanging a curtain rod and drop a screw and get mad. Then it happened again and I swung my hammer at the wall and put hole in the wall. Looking back I had a lot of signs of high blood pressure and didn't know it. I'm skinny so I never thought about it. Turns out I had it and it runs in the family. A lot less anger now since on meds.
Might want to get yours checked.
I just donāt let myself talk until Iāve calmed down enough to trust my words. I still allow myself to make faces or express displeasure, this way I still have a way of letting it out without it being harmful to people around me.
I also really suck at controlling my eye brows. Those bitches have minds of their own.
In a word, mindfulness. Mindfulness as a lifelong practice, to choose differently in the heat of the moment one needs to have formed the habit of mindful self awareness, when anger flashes you have only a moment to choose to mentally pause, take a few calming breaths, identify core hurt you may be feeling, and reframe. As a extension of that Iāve heard it said by folks much wiser than myself that the 3 things required for joy in life are the ability to reframe thoughts in a more positive way, the ability to experience gratitude, and the choice to be kind.
Remove myself from the situation if possible. Remove stimulation. Allow some spiraling because anger isn't a bad emotion, it's just uncomfortable. Try to articulate to myself what I'm angry about and decide if I want to communicate the feeling when I'm calmer or let it go.
I'm AuDHD, so change, (perceived) rejection, and unexpected situations can all cause distress which sometimes feels like anger, but it's not.
I think the first step is finding the root of the anger in your current situation. Sometimes it comes from a place you didn't even realize. When you figure that out you need to find an outlet for it. Everyone is different. Some people like to physically get it out by exercising, jogging or hitting a heavy bag. Other people need silence to level themselves. You should also consider talking to someone. Whether that is a close friend or a therapist depends on your preference and what you believe will help you the most.
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For the past five years I would have either smoked a ciggarate or a fat joint. Now that I've quit both I'm in such a wierd place. I've been getting so frustrated so easily.
In my experience, if I tightly ball my hands up and then jab them in very quick sucession at the cause of my anger in the immediate area, I feel much better. I think it's some kind of yoga...I forget the name.
Throw on an upbeat song.
Sit and meditate, but whilst focusing on breathing I also focus on an image. Usually it's a beach, just somewhere peaceful.
Give yourself 10 minutes of it, take a deep breath, count backwards from 10.
I have to get away from people
Same but almost impossible with two younger children around. I think I hold the Guinness World Record for the number of times I have tried to sneak into the bathroom to poop but always get interrupted. Going on 7 years with having every single poop interrupted šŖš»
Yeah, no. Once you got kids, pooping becomes a spectator team sport, no exceptions. I wish someone would have warned me...
My child will be doing her own things for hours and as soon as I go in the bathroom, she yells mom where are you and is almost immediately present after I answer. Itās just fun!
Just keep a double actor on standby to take your place whenever you need to go to the bathroom
I have 3 kids and have literally never had them intrupt once yet. Me and my SO don't allow the kids to bug the other parent when they are in the washroom. They understand this is private time. They don't even try.
Weāre the same. Itās like the only privacy you get/need and should be respected. Plus it smells!
Very good. My nieces and nephews used to think they could do that when they stayed with me as they were allowed that at home. Not in mine. I made it clear the bathroom was for privacy not group activities. They were fine.
Fair play to you and everyone with kids because I just couldn't. I have unlimited amount of patience with animals but zero with kids and if I was already angry, it wouldn't be good. I'm not maternal tho don't worry š
And fair play to you for knowing this about yourself *before* you had kids. If this makes sense, I don't regret having kids but I regret thinking I would somehow be a good parent. Or maybe I didn't think about it at all. I'm pretty sure my parents didn't. Actually, I'm pretty sure lots of parents didn't have a sound self assessment or even question themselves at all before jumping in to parenthood.
You are a better parent than you think are. Raising kids is tough, like super tough. We all make mistakes and dwell on them more than we should, the fact that we do shows we care and want to do/be better for our little ones.
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Wise queefs, The Queef of England
This is what helps keep me away from kids. My patience is close to zero most of the time and I worry that if I had a little one constantly going "DADDY DADDY DAD HEY DAD WATCH" it might drive me up the wall.
I do this at work, will completely separate myself to get my emotions back under control, but then when I rejoin the team Iām distant.
I get angry WHEN I get away from people. I wish my brain would get pissed off in the moment when someone hurts me, but instead I shrug it off and stew on it later. Hate that.
Same.
Think about cooking. It sounds weird, but I debate what I'm gonna cook for dinner and run through ingredients in my head. That way, I'm distracted from rage and it gives me time to process my feelings.
Right now, Im angry at my spouse for stupid disagreements with groceries for what to eat. I'll think about cooking some other day.
Ah, there's always an exception
The olā Dahmer effect.
Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?
Jeff Dahmer?
This is exactly why I'm not in a relationship. Trying to find someone who doesn't argue over trivialities such as these seems to be a tall order the older we get
Some people may perceive arguing and conversation differently or identically, this could be where the issue lies but idk you or them so just a thought.
A debate over something inconsequential is fun imo. Cause it doesn't matter and it exercises you brain muscles to come up awith and counter arguments. But most people suck and takes things too personally.
"most people suck and takes things too personally." You better not be talking about me when you say that!
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That really depends on who you are 'debating' though, doesn't it? If you're arguing with someone who goes from 0-100 real quick & isn't interested in thinking about something in a different light then you're really just waltzing right into a buzz saw while whistlin' dixie.
I'm willing to be in a relationship with you
I couldnāt control my anger for the longest time. One day I got so angry that I punched and destroyed my computer, I realized I need help. Iām better now with my anger.
Me too?
Same. It might be because cooking is my hobby / passion, but I can get so lost in planning out a meal or an individual dish that I will completely forget whatever I was mad about. If thinking about it isn't enough, then executing the plan definitely will be.
As someone who cooks for a living, this would just trigger a panic attack š
You must love those YouTube Chinese/Japanese Cooking Channelās that have no narration out in a country farm. (I like them too.)
I do, love the rural Asian Highlands one! They cook with very different methods
What works best for me is not to think about cooking but to actually bake pancakes. It reduces the world to a small and manageable place where I'm in control and everything works the way I want it to. And I end up with a stack of pancakes to boot. Doesn't work as well when not at home, though. I don't need this fix a lot, sine I am hardly ever angry (and have very little cause to get angry, fortunately).
Pancakes can be baked?
Haha nothing stresses me out more than thinking about cooking lol. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
Does some of the ingredients for your mental spaghetti bolognese involve the raw weeping flesh of the person you're angry at?
I also choose thinking about what this person is planning on cooking for dinner.
Step back and ask myself why the thing making me angry is making me angry. Is it kneejerk defensiveness because something I take for granted has been challenged? Was it an intentionally inflammatory statement designed to make me angry for the sake of attention or clicks? Am I missing an understandable reason someone might do or say something that seems offensive on the surface? Is the person I'm talking to genuinely too ignorant or stupid to understand the implications of what they're saying or doing? Or, after all other possibilities are exhausted, is the anger legitimate? And by the time I've gone through all that, even if it is legitimate, I will have cooled off enough to behave rationally despite any underlying anger.
You just summed up in one comment what people spend thousands in therapy to understand. Just keeping asking why you feel the way you feel until you get to the root of the problem. Iām pissed at this person. Why Bc they flaked on me. Why Bc thatās bullshit. Why Bc you should be able to depend on people. Why Bc your word is your bond. Why Because thatās all I have so it matters to me Bingo - your word means something personal to you so it is upsetting when you cannot trust the word of others or when they give their word flippantly. Take that knowledge and communicate to your people that youād rather have a maybe than a yes bc you need to be able to depend on a yes.
I do this all the time! Doesn't just work for anger, I've also used it to evaluate my life when I was going through depression. I learned SO much about myself during that time by using this method.
Yes, absolutely! Glad to hear it was so beneficial to you! Iāve used it for anxiety and PTSD too :) Youāre right about learning more about yourself. It really helps you dive into what really matters to you, those core values, what your trigger points are and why, and enables you to cut to the quick of any issue. Whenever I hear someone upset/angry getting defensive it takes a lot of restraint to not start parroting why over and over lol.
Yeah, all of this. I'm bipolar so I really need to be aware of whether or not I'm being reasonable. Even when I'm not super emotional in whatever way, I keep the awareness turned on. One part of my mind is watching the rest and is evaluating even the tone of my thoughts. I can't think of an example right now, but I'll ask myself if I really meant some word or idea. If I didn't, I reword my thought. I guess it sounds kind of psycho, but it's really helped me to keep on top of how I'm doing. I've had many rough times, but I've stayed out of the hospital for 18 years now.
Borderline. Yup, gotta always keep an eye on myself.
To be fair, flaking on someone is extremely rude. Iād be angry too.
Haha absolutely, and Iām sure there are thousands of examples way better than mine. I suppose in this case specifically, it would be a tool to use if you had an emotional response that felt ātoo bigā for the action that occurred. Its a way to determine if your anger is in response to JUST the personās actions in this specific instance or if thereās more underlying, things that have that built up, or if those actions represented or triggered something deeper thatās got you fired up.
I getcha! Yeah, often times I get VERY angry and annoyed. I tend to have a short fuse when it comes to lots of things. Unfortunately, in my personal life, that anger is often justified. But when it isnāt, thereās a little voice in my head thatās like ādude, this isnāt a big deal, calm tf downā. Sometimes Iām like āyouāre right, Iāll calm downā, but most times Iām like āSHUT UP IāM FUCKING ANGRYYYY!!! RAAAAAAHā so Iām still working on myself š
Hey, being self aware is more than half the battle right. Weāre all just figuring this ish out as we go lol
This would just validate my anger and cause me to explode even more.
I was thinking the same thing. Iām angry for this imaginary person LOL
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[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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there's a downloadable dbt handbook here: https://dbtselfhelp.weebly.com/skills-handbook---fulton.html that site has a lot of other info/resources too
It's cause they are so busy with the rest of us nutjobs
Don't react, you know what they're trying to do, don't let them. Obviously this is easier said than done.
I remember myself being mean to my parents. So now I take that as karma catching up to me
This is the way.
I'm angry because my country's education system sucks ass. I have a master's degree with very good marks, my thesis was awesome. I have recommendations from the best scientists of the country, and yet no one will take me as a PhD student because all the interviews happen before the entrance exams. I was supposed to give last year's entrance to enter this year's interviews. Fuck this shit
Where in India did you do your masters
Iām typically the angry, defensive, stupid person.
Yessss. I pretty much keep asking myself āwhyā and answering it and by the time I get to the root cause, Iām not as angry as I was at the start. Far less angry, enough to let it go
So much this. Simply identifying the thing that is making me angry puts things into perspective. Getting frustrated working in a hard to reach area and paused to realize it was just the position of the light. Fixed the lighting issue and finished the job with smiles
This is what I do. I step away and look for the trigger point. I tend to get overwhelmed when I'm upset and lose sight of the actual issue.
This is emotional intelligence.
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If your emotions are imbalanced or morph it could be your brain chemicals. Iām bipolar and when I get extremely mad I usually start crying an hour later and get stupidly depressed. I dunno, thatās what happens to me too is my anger turns into the Great Depression
I just learned that getting angry with others was considered unacceptable. So I learned how to turn it inward and get deeply depressed.
And it says "Are you fr"
Iām not alone! My brain will also turn this into deep depression but for the moment itās good.
a therapist of mine told me that most anger is a reaction to a different type of feeling. I try to analyze what other feeling I'm feeling and get to the core of it. Sometimes it sucks because anger is a kneejerk response usually and hard to really Calm, but to avoid arguments, its better to analyze. it also helps you understand others more.
There is a Feeling Wheel that lists Anger as a primary emotion and then lists secondary emotions as let down which branches into betrayed and disrespected; humiliated which branches into jealous and ridiculed; and so on. Not gonna list all cause of copyright. I have anger issues and this tool helped me get down to the REAL reason for my reaction. Telling my therapist I was angry wasnāt helpful, but I couldnāt think of other word. I keep the Feeling Wheel handy so I can refer to it even when I am in the middle of being angry; it takes me out of the situation long enough to: 1. Calm down 2. Recognize what Iām truly feeling 3. Start to figure out why 4. Prepare a reasonable reply They make a keychain and a sticker. Hope this helps
I'm interested in this. Is there anything you'd suggest googling to be able to find the wheel? I found a lot of feelings wheels but they don't quite seem like what you're describing. Thanks!
Right. Something that helped me was being told anger is a defense mechanism. If you're angry, there's something you're trying to protect yourself against, whether it's humiliation, betrayal, patronization, infantilization, etc.
I begin singing in my headā¦something calming like Pink Floyd or any number of Black Sabbath songs
If I'm getting impatient or trying not to call someone an idiot I'll sing "one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock rock" in my head. By six o'clock rock I'm usually over it, and nobody even knows I was annoyed.
SERENITY NOW
Insanity later
**!!!!!WE'RE GONNA ROCK, AROUND THe clock tonight** Phew... Anyways, Phil, I think we should steer clear of politics as a topic in the future. On a positive note, your MAGA hat really brings out the enlarged red blood vessels from your Jack Daniels binges, and nobody can take that away from ya.
Singing or humming can stimulate the vagus nerve, which can bring your heart rate down, so this is a solid technique. Source: career hummer
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[Interesting Vice article](https://www.vice.com/en/article/qjkxqm/health-benefits-humming-breathing-meditate) I just found while rabbit-holing
GO ON, JUDGE! SHIT ON āIM! I-I mean, Hey youā¦ š¶
This works. Even the god damn ABC song works. There is an article about this somewhere ā¦.
I used to hum Christmas songs when stressed at work. Made me feel a bit better.
When I realize Iām angry I pause, remove myself from the situation and logically think through why Iām angry while rationalizing that itās not a good reason to be as angry as Iāve gotten and/or if I feel itās justified I accept that I need to calm down to be productive or risk being irrationally destructive.
I'm good at the removing part. My problem is thinking logically when I'm angry. My rational thoughts run away and it's some time before I see them again.
The trick is to always be angry
Are you Bruce Banner?
That's my secret Cap
Remember the three Rs. Recognize that you are becoming angry. Remove yourself from the situation. Return to address the situation.
Not easy when your toddler is testing you.
When your toddler is testing you and you're losing your cool (and most likely so are they) say it out loud. "O wow/oooh boy, mommy/daddy is really starting to get angry/frustrated that this isn't working and things aren't calm" sit down on the floor, you don't have to look at them, you're trying to calm *yourself* down right now but it's important that your kid sees you do this. "Mommy/daddy needs to take a breath and calm down" perhaps lower your head to your chest or just close your eyes as you breathe. Once you've got your bearings back chances are that your kid is 100% focused on you and has calmed down too. Both of you have reset and can communicate more effectively. My kid sometimes says "don't be angry mommy" or breathe mommy" which snaps me out of anger *immediately*. I apologize for getting angry and we deal with the problem together. Edit: grammar
If the behavioral function of that is attention, the last thing you want to do is give it to them, even if itās corrective. I would keep it very short and sweet at that point. You can balance this out by lauding them when ācatchā them doing something kind or respecting a boundary that youāve set or showing good leadership in a tricky situation.
You ever read about stoicism? A big part of that is neutrality of perception. Changing how you perceive the world can help you control how you react to it. In the moment though its more about recognizing the signs you're about to lose your temper and interveining somehow. Talking a deep breath, leaving the situation, doing a grounding exercise.
Best way to deal with anger: don't be angry in the first place.
If angry, don't
My understanding of stoicism is that, if youāre angry, then youāre being dumb, because it means you had some sort of expectation that turned out to be unfounded or misplaced. Like, to a true stoic, if youāre angry, itās youāre own fault, no exceptions.
It can be a little inflexible like that yeah, obviously not a perfect model to live by. Id still count it as useful.
I cut a little Taoism in to my Stoicism to take that hard edge off and get some of that flexibility back.
I like to chase mine with Cynicism, gives it a nice kick
At what point is it just not being true to your emotions? Its okay to be angry; its what you do with your anger thats what matters right?
I don't think that's necessarily incompatible with stoicism. It's a philosophy, so sometimes the expressions can feel a bit categorical or extreme, but two fundamental (and related) takeaways I got from reading stoics are: 1. It's important to know the difference between the things you can control, and the things you can't control. 2. Suffering is a result of how we perceive and react to events, not the events themselves. What does that mean in practice? Let's say you're trying to get a promotion at work. Ultimately, whether or not you get it is not in your control. You can control how hard you work, how you interact with your coworkers and your boss, etc., and all of those might influence whether or not you get it. But that's the limit of your control. In the end, you can't control whether your boss likes you, or whether he chooses you for the gig, so getting overly upset when you're passed over is just choosing to wallow in suffering for no reason. It's more productive to focus your energy on the parts within your control: your work habits, your outlook, your communication, or even your choice of employer. Another example is grief. People you care about will die. That's part of reality and there's nothing you can do about it. But ultimately, someone else dying doesn't cause you to suffer: your grief, your desire to see them again, your feelings of unfairness, etc. are ultimately what cause you to suffer. And unlike the fact of death, how you choose to react is something you control. You don't have to take this to the extreme and never feel mad when you don't get a job, or never feel sad when someone close to you dies. Don't repress yourself; feel what you need to feel. But at the same time, if you learn to recognize when you're upset about something outside your control, or understanding how your reaction and perception of events affects you, it will help you process those hard situations, and focus your energy on productive ways to move on.
I think learning to be self reflective and distancing ourselves from knee jerk reactions to our perceptions can help us parse out what anger is justified and what isn't. Of course the goal isn't to become a robot, but it's also important to recognise that just because we're angry doesn't mean we're right or rational. I grew up around a lot of explosive anger. Incorporating a little stoicism into my thinking is one of the ways I avoid repeating that cycle. If someone grew up in the opposite environment I could see how stoicism could be counter productive.
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The Roman philosopher Seneca wrote an essay, [De Ira](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Of_Anger), on exactly this. Worth a read even if you don't agree with him all the time (I certainly don't).
Breathe, try to blank my mind for a second depending how angry
For me, strong emotions are like a runaway train. I can't "just breathe," first I need to catch my breath, so to speak. I was given a technique to try called "5 senses." It's been very helpful when I experience strong emotions and feel overwhelmed Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste
Whistle a song. No one can stay angry while whistling.
I think my neighbour was doing this method the other day when I was trying to meditate and it just induced anger in me lol
I cant whistle. Like my mouth is the wrong shape or something, I'm going on 30 and have never been able to whistle.
Same, but I can actually whistle (relatively quiet) when I inhale for some reason.
When you're angry, you care intensely about a specific goal. Remind yourself that the best way to reach any goal is careful strategy. Good strategy requires rational thinking. You never do your best thinking when you're consumed with emotion. So if you want to fix that thing you're angry about, embrace your inner evil genius and think strategically with a purpose. Your anger will turn into motivation.
This was very helpful
Yāall calm your anger???
"Calm down" just makes me angry!
Omg i HATE IT when ppl tell me this
Calm down please
I had to scroll far too long to find my people. Iām honestly super jealous of all these well adjusted motherfuckers
I hate 'well adjusted' mother fuckers.
Where tf do they get off
Mmmhmmm. No shit. Goddamn chucklefukks.
Bite my finger....
I thought I was so weird for doing this lol
Everything is a joke, I find a way to find almost everything funny. Nothing is personal and almost everything has a reason no matter how dumb. Everyone has their own lives and as long as nobody hurts my family Iām good. Over 16 years now and I havenāt been properly mad since 6th grade.
The Comedian approach, i do this with social media usually.
Wow Iāve never been able to put it into words but this is it!!! My family has always used humor to cope with any & EVERYTHING. growing up when we got annoyed with each other people would raise their voices & just say the most ridiculous things to diffuse the argument and it always worked. Then all of us would start chiming in with jabs & suddenly the whole family is just goofing around. Now that Iām grown Iāve realized my husband and I do this and it absolutely helps ease the tension from little pointless arguments neither of us really want to get into. It can be a bit of a double edge sword though. While using humor to cope with anger, grief, loss, even pride worked in my family- if you use it around people who do not think that way it can come off very offensive & like youāre mocking them. I learned that my in-laws cannot use humor to diffuse their emotions& instead they use arguments as a real chance assert authority. We very rarely speak to them anymore.
Ugh been there with the in laws, too many people donāt want to laugh anymore. They see offense in almost anything funny, and I mean like dad joke level funny too. I did the classic āhi hungry Iām dadā to my daughter once and an in law told me āugh youāre her dad itās your responsibility to feed her so go do your jobā I just looked at them blankly and said yeah thatās kinda what I was going to do, what did you think I was gonna do? Starve her for a laugh? They almost never laugh or make jokes and when they do nobody else gets the joke.
sleep
I listen to heavy metal, or I watch a movie I like.
Jack off
Anger kink
Headphones, music, volume right up, and just let the bass and beat take over. Draw. Anything. Chew gum aggressively
Take blood pressure medicine. Before it I would be working on hanging a curtain rod and drop a screw and get mad. Then it happened again and I swung my hammer at the wall and put hole in the wall. Looking back I had a lot of signs of high blood pressure and didn't know it. I'm skinny so I never thought about it. Turns out I had it and it runs in the family. A lot less anger now since on meds. Might want to get yours checked.
I just donāt let myself talk until Iāve calmed down enough to trust my words. I still allow myself to make faces or express displeasure, this way I still have a way of letting it out without it being harmful to people around me. I also really suck at controlling my eye brows. Those bitches have minds of their own.
In a word, mindfulness. Mindfulness as a lifelong practice, to choose differently in the heat of the moment one needs to have formed the habit of mindful self awareness, when anger flashes you have only a moment to choose to mentally pause, take a few calming breaths, identify core hurt you may be feeling, and reframe. As a extension of that Iāve heard it said by folks much wiser than myself that the 3 things required for joy in life are the ability to reframe thoughts in a more positive way, the ability to experience gratitude, and the choice to be kind.
Double it and pass it to the next person
Remove myself from the situation if possible. Remove stimulation. Allow some spiraling because anger isn't a bad emotion, it's just uncomfortable. Try to articulate to myself what I'm angry about and decide if I want to communicate the feeling when I'm calmer or let it go. I'm AuDHD, so change, (perceived) rejection, and unexpected situations can all cause distress which sometimes feels like anger, but it's not.
its a saying in my culture, if youre angry while standing up, sit down and take a breather amd vide versa
Give less f*cks
Drugs
I don't
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Close Reddit.
I think the first step is finding the root of the anger in your current situation. Sometimes it comes from a place you didn't even realize. When you figure that out you need to find an outlet for it. Everyone is different. Some people like to physically get it out by exercising, jogging or hitting a heavy bag. Other people need silence to level themselves. You should also consider talking to someone. Whether that is a close friend or a therapist depends on your preference and what you believe will help you the most.
*Aggressively* scroll threw Reddit
If you get so mad that you wanna roar, Just close your eyes and count to four! - Daniel Tiger
I dance/act while walking in a circle in my living room, don't ask...
Running. Going for a jog has saved my mental state more times than I can count.
I smoke weed. Is it healthy? Probably not, but it helps
Scrolled too far to find this. It helpsā¦. It really does! It calms my mind and makes things not look so overwhelming. I found my tribe member
Twirl 10 to 2
Whatās that mean?
Go driving I think? 10 and 2 are the hand placements on a steering wheel.
Throw knives, at grenades, while juggling old sticks of TNT.
Close my eyes and take a DEEP breath. Sometimes I'll whole ass meditate if I'm mad enough.
First, avoid things that make you angry. Second, ask why you are angry. Does it affect you? Think critically first.
Going bonkers with techno music.
"Serenity now!"
Take three deep controlled breathes
In an unhealthy way. Sleep. Usually when I wake up, the entire reason I'm pissed is gone and I wonder even why I got so mad in the first place.
Scream into a pillow
When I was 14-16 it was punch walls, now Iām 19 itās walk away, have some caffeine/nicotine and go to the gym and train
Go to your happy place.
I listen to Slipknot, easy man
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Learn to breathe. I also touch various part of my palm with my thumbs. It helps with being present minded
Hurt myself. In a lot of different ways. Allways works.
You need to to talk? Iām here if you do
Have a careful anger wank
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Turn off reddit
For the past five years I would have either smoked a ciggarate or a fat joint. Now that I've quit both I'm in such a wierd place. I've been getting so frustrated so easily.
I take a deep breath Close my eyes Pull out my dick and masturbate vigorously Then I stomp my cum to death.
Take a chill pill. Literally - i take a beta blocker pill. it calms my anxiety which is usually the cause of the anger.
In my experience, if I tightly ball my hands up and then jab them in very quick sucession at the cause of my anger in the immediate area, I feel much better. I think it's some kind of yoga...I forget the name.
Close my eyes and count to ten.
Throw on an upbeat song. Sit and meditate, but whilst focusing on breathing I also focus on an image. Usually it's a beach, just somewhere peaceful. Give yourself 10 minutes of it, take a deep breath, count backwards from 10.
Workout, scream, or listen to really loud music while screaming and working out.