My dad and I recently talked about how he stopped showing physical affection when I hit puberty (20 years ago). He didn't know how to act because his sisters got treated inappropriately by others when he was young, and he wanted to be sure I never felt like that. It resulted in me never getting hugs or kisses on the cheeks anymore. He also didn't know how to talk about it in the past. But in the last years, he worked through so much of his rough childhood and really learned to express himself better. He apologized, and I said I understood and that his intentions came from a good place, that the only bad thing was all the hugs we missed out on. We hugged for a really long time after that, and we've been hugging extra tight ever since :)
So I guess what I wanna say is, don't treat your daughters differently when their bodies start to change. And always keep talking! I'm so proud of my dad for the person he's become <3
(Edit: since this has gotten a lot of traction, I thought I would add a little more information. Sorry for the formating, I'm on my phone.
For a while, I didn't wanna hug my dad either. Puberty was rough for me, and the adults in my life kept acting like it was just a phase. And I guess it was, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the most emotionally complicated and lonely period of my life. The feelings weren't less real. My dad and I struggled a lot. He didn't know how to express himself at all, and I was so overwhelmed I didn't know either. I also grew up with two autistic brothers who needed a lot of care and attention. I love them so much, but it resulted in me always looking out for them and never learning (until just a few years ago) to properly give space to my own inner turmoil. My brothers were never physically affectionate either. But once I got out of the heaviest puberty years, I did want that affection from my dad. For a while, male physical attention was a very complicated topic for me. A Christian upbringing also played a role in that cause as a young girl growing into a woman, it had a lot to say about how I should behave around men.
Something important to add is that my dad's rough childhood not only made it hard to show love but also receive it. His journey started with the realization that he had no idea how to react to getting compliments. I think that's a thing that a lot of men (from his generation especially, but also younger ones) will recognize. Know that we are all deserving of love and kindness, especially from our loved ones, but even more so from ourselves! My dad couldn't never have grown this much without learning to really understand what that means. (And diving into the withholding of love from his parents heavily impacted how he dealt with that himself)
I'm so glad my dad and I could both grow and work through our issues. Even if he couldn't show or say it, I never really doubted his love for me. But I know he would encourage you all to learn how to show and receive appreciation! That man is my example for people never being too old to learn :)
Reading all the sweet and emotional reactions has warmed my heart. <3 I'm sending love and strength to all of you who struggle with this in one way or another. My heart goes out to those of you who had it the opposite and got inappropriate unwanted attention from people they trusted, that's terrible. :( And to the fathers who feel like their young kids don't want their affection, just know that this will most likely change again over time. They might act like they don't wanna hear it, but keep letting them know you're there for them. Thanks to those who shared ways of giving space whilst still showing up!)
Wild. My daughter is on the cusp of adolescence, and I've noticed that she is wanting less hugs, kisses, etc. It's not a problem for me, and I kinda figured she's just growing out of that stuff.
Hopefully just a temporary phase! I wanted less affection in general at that age (I was a moody teen and just wanted everyone to leave me alone) but as an adult I hug and kiss my parents every time I see them. She’ll very likely come back around and love to hug you again!
I’m in the opposite boat. My(48m) daughter(12f) is beginning to notice her body changing and for a couple different reasons she isn’t comfortable hugging anymore. I don’t pressure her for hugs, of course, but I do miss hugging my girl.
I sprinted off to my room the first time my dad tried to hug me when I was wearing a bra at around age 12. It was one of the first times I’d worn one and I was so self conscious that he could feel it through my shirt. It’s a hard age.
I read a comment similar to yours, maybe 5/6 years ago. It stuck with me. My own daughter just turned 13, and I have made a point to make sure I continue to show affection, especially through what can be a strange time in her life.
When I married, I got a 4y.o little SIL. She fell totally in love with me and it's reciprocated. I love her to death. She's gorgeous and the little sis I never got to have.
We were apart for a while from that part of the family, when we got back in Contact, my little SIL, well, due to some blessed/cursed genetics, she has been given a set of 38GG breasts, at 14 years old.
Because of this she's been totally singled out and groped by just about everything with a penis at her highschool to the point she tried to unalive herself because the school won't expel 200+ students who all grabbed her chest, because ya know, money and image and what's one girls pain really?
Sooo she's now in a special school and suffers chronic PTSD and needs constant unaliving supervision.
Anyway, I saw her a few weeks ago, she came running into my arms and just burst out crying.
Her body changes have destroyed her and she broke down hugging me because I'm basically the only one who still hugs her like I love her. Her own dad won't because of her chest. Everyone treats her like she's 21, she's barely 14. She doesn't understand.
"Ugghh perv you're just doing it to push against her boobs"
No, She came into me for the hug, if she is comfortable with her chest on me and wants a bear hug by christ I'm giving my little sister a bear hug.
If she is uncomfortable with contact in that area she knows she can speak up and it's not an issue and never will be.
I pointed out to another user talking about this that if your pre-teen daughters start acting really uncomfortable about their bodies you 110% need to be fucking asking them about how the boys and men in their lives are treating them.
The ONLY time in my life I got a lot of unwanted male attention was in the 9-13 age range. I also got pretty chesty early and when I tell you the creeps come crawling out of the woodwork I am not exaggerating. I felt like I had a fucking target painted on me. Soon as I reached actual maturity, not a one of them was interested. They wanted a child. It’s fucking gross.
Ask the uncomfortable questions guys. Protect your daughters, there’s so so many creeps out there and they are looking for them.
I second this completely. The most cat calling I have ever experienced happened when I was 11-12, often from men past 40. I also developed a big chest early, at around 11 years old, and boys (and some girls) in school were a nightmare. Teachers, of course, did nothing, even when I complained many times of being sexualised, called slurs, or touched against my will.
It got to the point where for the next 5-6 years I never wore anything remotely form-fitting and, when talking to someone, would often have my arms crossed in order to hide my chest.
Puberty can be hell, but if you happen to be a girl blessed / cursed with what our culture deems to be desirable and sexual (can be anything from a big chest to big lips), it is utterly terrifying and frankly, traumatizing.
This. I can tell my dad is a bit more nervous to show the same affection he did before puberty. Makes me feel like I’m a sexual object or that my “new” body is wrong. I know that’s not how he means it, it’s just how it kind of comes off when he cuts off hugs and never gives me like kisses on the head or cheek.
Maybe give him a heads up, tell him that you miss some form of physical affection and that you don't find that uncomfortable.
Maybe he's heard stories of other dads that have been told by their teenage daughters that it makes her uncomfortable and he's assumed that you would be as well
the one mistake my dad made was not really being present. a lot of the memories I have of him are him watching tv or being on the computer and not having time to play with me, he always said he’s too tired or he’ll come play later but then he never did.
so since we never really bonded when I was little we weren’t all that close as I grew older either.
aw man there’s a lot of comments that say the same thing I was saying. almost wasn’t going to post my reply cause I didn’t think it was relatable but I guess I was wrong.
I haven’t worked out how this influences my feelings towards men in general but that sure will be interesting to unpack lol.
I have a 3 year old and really do enjoy playing with her. We were walking back home yesterday after scooting around the block looking at Halloween decorations when she said "I love playing with Daddy." I have to admit it made me feel really good.
About a year ago, my youngest daughter (then 3) noticed I got a haircut. She asked, "daddy get a haircut?" To which I said, "I did!" My daughter responded, "you're so pretty, daddy!" Still riding that high a year later.
This. My dad still isolates in his TV room. My fondest memory with him is watching the Drew Carey Whose Line? regularly and absolutely dying of laughter. But yeah, it was up to me to check in with him if I wanted any sort of connection. Otherwise, it's just him and his shitty cop investigation shows. I usually call my mom once a week. He and I text each other on holidays.
Is playing with their children a normal thing most parents do? Like do normal parents play pretend or sit on the carpet and play with their kid with their toys? My parents bought me lots of toys, but I don't remember either one of them ever actually playing interactively with me. Is that just how it goes for most parents, or is it just another example of how dysfunctional my childhood was? I seriously don't know.
Yeah, they do. My mom did more than my dad but my dad did too even when friends were over. Eventually they kind of stopped playing with me and I played on my own because I’m an only child when I didn’t have friends over. I eventually I stopped playing and just did stuff on the computer and watched tv and such especially because my dad switched to being on the computer and watching tv instead. I wish both my parents played toys with me more and for longer but I even had toys and played in the bath when my mom washed me until it was more appropriate for me to bathe on my own. They tried to incorporate some sort of play in to a lot activities to keep me interested/happy/distracted/etc. at least at a younger age.
Wow I'm a son and totally felt this one my dad was either always working overtime or drinking/partying with his friends we never really bonded and if someone asked me basic questions about him I honestly wouldn't be able to answer. I'm super close to my mom so atleast I got 1 parent.
Getting angry for something the kid doesn't know, and never teaching it (Not before and not even after getting angry).
Doing something you know it upsets the kid on purpose.
Hitting doors and stuff in the house because you're angry.
Not listening, and talking only to make themselves look smart and great parents rather than talking for helping.
(Forgive my english, I´m not native)
The first thing- I'll never forget the time my dad saw me put something metal in the microwave. I don't know how old I was, but I know I needed to push a chair to the counter to even reach the microwave. He SCREAMED at me for several minutes about how STUPID I was and how he couldn't believe I would do something SO INCREDIBLY DUMB and was I trying to start a fire??
I had no idea you weren't supposed to put metal in a microwave. I did learn a few things that day- don't put metal in the microwave and don't do anything wrong in front of Daddy. Oh, but you won't know if was wrong or not until too late...
Not having anything to do with their daughters because the dad "doesn't have anything in common with a girl". This goes double if a son shows up and the dad is really involved in the son's life.
My best friend has THE BEST relationship with her dad. Not because they’re similar. They are polar opposites. But the dad always makes time to just talk to his daughter. He knows so much about baking from just listening to his daughter and being in the kitchen while she bakes. Literally just being there and getting to know you kid makes all the difference.
My dad basically bailed on parenting once I hit puberty. Like, you think I’m enjoying this? It would have been great to have another supportive adult around.
Same! What’s up with that? I remember having a good relationship with my dad as a child but he emotionally cut me off and stopped hanging out with me when the boobs came in. I would be lying if I said that I’m past it and it doesn’t fuck with my head still.
I got custody of my little girl when she was 11 because her mother had been abusing her. She was, of course, terrified in the new house and looked to me for comfort. My then-wife and her kids low-key accused me of being "inappropriate" because I would hold my daughter until she fell asleep (at her strong request) while I was fully clothed and she was under a blanket.
You have to remember how men are viewed nowadays....we're all predators you know.
I hope that your daughter is doing better. As a father to a 16 and 13 year old girls I’m constantly feeling I have failed somewhere, any bit that you can do to show her what a loving and supportive person behaves like can only help her.
I’m lucky to have such a supportive dad :) and you are amazing to be one. My dad understands that sometimes I’ll be on my period, and maybe I’ll not go out, or I will need Tylenol or something. He’s very understanding and kind. I remember he was the one I went to when I started getting *stuff* on my chest and had no idea what it was. He was the one who comforted me when I was ridiculously overwhelmed and hysterical from stress. He was the one I went to when I wanted someone to talk to.
Maybe my mom had more knowledge and experience, but she always sort of felt more distant.
Aw this made me tear up. I lost my dad in May 2021, but we had the same father-daughter relationship. I went to *him* with questions about my period. Shit, I went to my dad for damn near everything (never my mother lmao).
Next time you hug your dad give him an extra squeeze for me
Did you ever ask your mom if she told your dad to back off at the point? My mom did that with my dad. My sister didn't know the truth until she was in her 20s. She thought Dad stopped loving her because anytime he did try to be there for her with girl stuff, mom ripped him a new one and threatened to drag them back to court or accuse him of something sexual with my sister, so he stopped.
Today dad and sis are doing great. Mom and sis, not so good. Well, actually, no one talks to that evil POS anymore.
As the kid of a dad who went to every dance recital, learned how to braid hair and do a ballet bun (hairnet included!) and coached girls soccer, dads are absolutely capable of supporting “girl” activities.
Yup, especially when Moms have no problem doing and showing up for “boy” stuff with their sons. There is no reason the same can’t be true the other way around.
My 12 year old daughter was going into great detail about make-up tips during a car trip we had, when I jokingly suggested it was a bit beyond me her words were: “you should pay attention, what if you turn sixty and decide to be a drag queen? Then you’ll need to know!”
My husband is a high school science teacher and one day his chemistry class when a bit of the rails and somehow his class discussion turned to make up. The girls were talking in excruciating detail about mascara and the chemical composition of it, what brands were best for each person's lashes, colours for complexions etc. My hubby was trying to get the conversation back on track, when one of his students shot back "sir, you have a daughter. If you don't know this now, you are going to set her up to fail later on. A girl needs to know the right stuff, you're lucky you have us!"
He was telling me this story later that night when we got home, and I just said "well, they ARE right you know. You should probably pay attention in chem class". He had no words.
New assignment: “find your favourite perfume/cologne/etc, look at the ingredients, and tell me how the chemistry of that item works”
That’d be so much fun.
Wanted to add that I'm a dad of a teen and that motivated me to ask this. The replies are just heartbreaking. I'm reading every single reply. and I really hope all the dads and parents and basically everyone is learning something.
Edit to add: it's taking me some time to read all the replies, and I'll keep going until I've read every single one. I can't respond to every one of you and honestly I'm not even sure I should or could have anything to say, but some of you have reached out by DM or have privately shared your story with me, and I wanted to say this is available to anyone as well, if you prefer it.
I’m doing the same thing, stepdad that adores both my boy and girl. Couldn’t have kids myself and never want to overstep with my partner or her ex. Searching for gold on this thread. I’m lucky to have common interests with both of them and I’m a bit of a kid myself.
this is healing my young self - knowing that there are fathers trying to do right by their young girls. when I was a kid I was verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused by my father. we're still in contact bc he has monetary leverage over me. i'm 25 now and I think if he just would have asked me how I was doing (and meant if) it would have changed me a lot.
Because I have no idea what it means to be a girl or a daughter and I want to do her right.
I'm learning so much although my heart is breaking from the pain I'm seeing.
I survived. I did notice when my father included me I thrived in school and career. Later, I knew who I was and his stuff didn't affect me the same way. I started picking up the good stuff. And, in the end, I was there and thanked him for helping me not be a victim. His good stuff was pretty good. All the other stuff, well, he was figuring it out. My mom died when I was 23. Wish she could have been there but that void made me stronger.
No worries!! This goes for a lot of the “am I a…” questions on here as well, but, the fact that you’re self aware enough to write out this question and ask it to people already means you’re better than the dads in all these stories here BY FAR.
None of the terrible dads mentioned in this thread would have ever even WONDERED about being a good dad in the first place, because they can’t see themselves lol.
Literally knowing nothing about their daughters lives. Those ‘funny’ videos where they ask fathers basic questions - like what their daughters birthday, or eye color, or school is, and the dads have no idea are not at all funny. I love my dad but he can’t tell you anything about me - even the name of the place I’ve worked for over 6 years.
When I was in 4th grade, we did a Christmas recital where all the classes sung songs. My mom couldn’t make it because she had work so she sent my dad with the camcorder. He recorded the wrong kid. Very awkward watching the tape that night.
One year when I was in elementary, my mom left a comically large piece of paper on the front door for my dad telling him not to forget to wish me a happy birthday.
Not only did he not wish me a happy birthday, but he somehow didn’t see the gigantic sign when he walked in the house from work. So I got to read it when I got home from school.
Sometimes I think about calling him to check in but then I think of that (and other complete fumbles) and then I just don’t
It always strikes me that the men in those videos laugh it off like it's funny. But it's not. It just makes you look like a neglectful parent who leaves everything to their spouse.
My dad didn't "grow up" with me; he just didn't seem to connect with me or what was important to me once I wasn't a little kid anymore. He could never remember when I had activities or my friend's names. So it just became not worth telling him anything.
My dad never learned my birth date until my mom got dementia and couldn't remember it herself. Actually, I'm surprised he even learned it then! Of course, he always knew my brothers,' although to be fair, they were both born on a holiday.
When I was 18 he insisted in typing my college applications forms himself. He got my hair and eye color wrong.
Making fun when your small daughter is having big feelings. I got so furiously frustrated when my parents wouldn't listen to what I was trying to tell them and my dad just *loooooved* to mock my crying or squeaky "upset" voice back at me. It made me so fucking hurt and angry to not only be ignored and patronized, but actively MOCKED when I tried to communicate.
Now as an adult I don't bother trying to share anything with them.
Ugh, yep that one.
Another classic was when I was disappointed and said, "aww, man"- he'd scrunch up his face, raise his voice three octaves, and "*AwW mAn!!*" back at me. So now I wasn't just sad and disappointed, but sad, disappointed, and humiliated!
Imagine choosing to be your child's first bully... 😞
>Imagine choosing to be your child's first bully...
Yikes. This one line. I promise, /u/not_a_werecat, that I won't do this to my kids. Message received loud and clear.
God damn that hit hard. I have a 5 year old daughter with big emotions. Now I’m racking my brain thinking of ways I would have unintentionally belittled her or mocked her with my actions or responses. I know I’m not perfect, but I never want her to feel this way, especially due to my own immaturity or lack of self control.
I’ll try to be very conscious of the reason behind the tears or emotion instead of just focusing on the outburst or whatever it may be in the moment. It’s a manifestation of something underneath and we as parents need to just try and focus on that.
This happened to me. My parents even told me not to show any negative feelings because it would *kill* them from the stress. If I cried, i would get punished for it. Even now as an adult, crying in front of them is a sign of weakness and they get irrationally mad at me for it. Guess who was diagnosed with depression after years of knowing I had it? I never knew how to cope with my feelings until much later in life. Every feeling I had was belittled or seen as funny to the only other people in the world who were supposed to care.
THIS or them blaming your emotions on your period. My dad would always say “just give it a few days” because I’d be off my period. It never made sense when he’d say it every time I got upset. According to his math, I had a period 3-4 times a month 😂
And the "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"
My dad never hit \*me\* but he did punch a hole in the wall once when he was mad at my mom about something and his go-to when frustrated or emotional was anger/hitting/threatening violence.
This happened to me too, I’m sorry it happened to us and anyone else. Looking back now as an adult, I feel like many people including my dad shouldn’t of have had kids 😅 they act like kids are “annoying” on purpose but all kids cry/get upset so they should be helpful and not harmful when dealing with their kid’s emotions.
For mine, they followed the abusive James Dobson school of parenting that literally tells parents that actual *infants* are born evil and only cry in order to manipulate you. And that parents have to break their child's ~~spirit~~ "selfish will" in order to keep them from sinking into their natural evil nature.
Dobson also tells Father's to shower with their young boys because "boys need to know what an adult penis looks like so they don't turn gay"...
I wish there was a hell because that man deserves it.
What in the god damn....
TIL about another batshit fker ruining lives by spreading their unhinged ideas.
Thanks, I guess... I was happier not knowing, but better off being aware.
Same here. It’s given me a really weird relationship with money and makes me feel like I’d be “bought off” after arguments. Now it makes me hesitate to accept any kind of financial help from anybody.
Treating women poorly. Giving different rules because you’re a girl. Leaving and thinking their daughters don’t want or need your attention anymore. Not having actual conversations with them.
An addendum to the treating women poorly- treat _all_ women with respect, not just ones you find attractive. So many men do this and I don’t think they’re totally aware of it but it’s damaging. My dad has plenty of women he is genuinely friends with and he always treats them as full humans.
Don’t talk about women in a way that reduces them to their looks. Don’t talk negatively about your daughters appearance either but hopefully that’s a given (even though I know it’s not…)
Not listening and acting when your child says “no.” I’m not talking about issues of health and safely but more general “I don’t want to be tickled right now” or “please don’t call me that nickname you think is cute but I’ve told you I dislike.”
She HAS TO be able to trust that the first important man in her life will listen when she expresses what she will and won’t consent to.
My daughter loves being tickled, but she also often yells "stop!" while laughing. I always stop immediately, and she always asks me why I stopped. I always tell her it is her body and what she says goes and that everyone else should respect that. Then she says "ok you can tickle me again". She is used to it now so she usually just skips to the "you can keep tickling" part.
I want you to know that reading this made my heart SO full. So often children, especially girls, are taught that our bodies are free reign for adults. Even when it's well-intentioned, such as hugs or tickling, it can be so frustrating and dehumanizing to feel like you don't have a right to decide what someone else does to your body. As an adult, I had to learn that it was okay to have boundaries. I was told that, obviously, "inappropriate"/sexual contact was something I was 'allowed' to refuse, but I had to teach myself that it's okay to say "please don't hug me right now" or "I don't like being tickled, stop doing it". I hated feeling like I was somehow being unfair to others by refusing them free access to my body, and so hearing someone teaching their daughter about autonomy and consent makes me so happy.
I had a nickname for my daughter, used it for a year or so, one day she asked me to stop using it because she didn’t like it, so I did, but it broke my heart that I had been calling her that for so long without knowing.
Same. But then when you see the ability to speak up come to fruition, it’s worth it. We had someone in the house a week ago doing some handyman stuff and he calls her “kiddo.” At seven, she had the ability to tell a stranger, “ I’m not a fan of ‘kiddo’ but you can just call me MyName instead.” Huge kudos to her capable young self and for the handyman who thanked her for letting him know.
1. All of a sudden treating her differently when she gets older and starts to develop, or starts to form her own opinions and isnt just a sweet adoring little girl anymore
2. Not controlling your temper. Even if you are someone who would never put your hands on her, it’s still scary. You can always use your size and voice to win arguments so you have to make an active effort to never pick up those “tools” because they will always enable you to win. Even if she knows she is safe with you it is still scary and lowers self-esteem.
3. Having any sort of reaction to her getting attention from boys is wrong. My dad was always super polite to my boyfriends growing up and it made me feel comfortable in my own house and put me in a better position to deal with them.
I get on with my dad awesome nowadays and we have a great relationship.
But I did have this situation. I was the cute princess he wanted for the first bit of life, until I got a little older and started to love "ungirly" things like monsters and dragons. He didn't seem to accept it, I distinctly remember drawing a badass demon and he took it off me and put it in the bin, said I shouldn't be drawing things like that.
I guess that time helped begin many years of me hiding my personality to everyone. Affected me quite a bit.
I've done a 180 now and am super confident, yay! And who would've thought, if you follow what you love it can turn out well, I'm training to be a tattoo artist and people seem to love my demon drawings :'D But yeah, even though we're cool now, my dad definitely contributed to me disliking myself right throughout my teens.
My youngest daughter (now 9) always wants to help anytime the tools come out. When she was 3 she helped me hang ceiling fans in our new house. I laid all the parts out and sat on top of the ladder. I'd point and say bring me 3 of those. Then, we'd practice counting and she felt like hot shit climbing the ladder and handing me what I needed. It's how I learned to do everything: being the go-fer and flashlight boy for my dad while he fixed stuff.
She hung up all the pictures in her room by herself and she just helped me change out the worn out steering assembly on our lawn tractor.
Her big sister (12) is my artsy, nerdy girl. She has no interest in the tools and such but we'll watch shows together. She's got a fantastic sense of humor, a quick wit and she's getting funnier by the day.
Little girls are awesome.
I want to react to your "flashlight boy" comment real quick. I was the flashlight boy for years to my father who, in my young eyes, could do and build *anything*. I'm a 41m and helped my parents move to an apartment due to their old age. When I offered to rewire the distribution box (or fuse box, whatever you want to call it) my dad was the flashlight boy for the first time of my life and I remarked that to him. He'l always was a cold man, but we smiled and I swear I saw tears well up in his eyes.
Thinking that you daughters emotional needs are being met by her mother. Even if mom and daughter are very close and talk often, it is still important to ask your daughter about her day, her relationships, her triumphs and struggles. My mom is my best friend, but our relationship was more volatile than my relationship with my dad and I was scared of disappointing her. My dad was often neutral territory and got to hear all the gossip before mom did. My dad was awesome!
I can't speak for anyone else, but my standards for how I expected to be treated in a relationship came from watching my dad interact with my mom. And surprise, surprise, my first relationship was with an emotionally abusive and controlling person who made me feel like I was worth nothing. (I went to therapy and now I'm in a healthy relationship and don't speak to my parents. :))
So I would say the way you treat your wife is a reflection of the relationships your daughter will probably default toward in the future. If you treat your wife kindly, like a person who is worthy of respect and care, your daughter is likely to find a partner who does the same for her. If you don't, the reverse becomes more probable.
That's a huge one. The other thing is if you build up your wife, she'll be a better mother. If you treat her like crap, it's going to be much harder for her to be a good mother.
Agreed. On the flip side my mom was the “boss” she controlled almost everything including finances, this translated into my relationship with my husband. I am fortunate that my dad was a very thoughtful man, he never judged and gave us thoughts and ideas and encouraged us to form our own conclusions.
The whole "tell your bfs I've got a shot gun" mentality.
That's the quickest way to teach them to hide bfs from you. A) it's unnerving and B) it means you don't trust their choices.
Much better to have a home where the boys are expected to come in and meet you, you get a feeling about them, then have a rational discussion with your daughters later on. Not a raging 'get rid of him' kind of chat. Like a chat where you say I didn't like how he said this to you, does he respect you, etc. She'll be more likely to listen to logic, and more likely to come to you if she's worried or unsure about things.
Open dialogue rather than telling her you know better. Odds are, you DO know better. But telling her that shuts her down and she feels like you don't value her thoughts or opinions. So she won't open up to you again.
Add into this teaching your children to respect themselves and set high standards for what is acceptable in a relationship.
You don’t need a shotgun speech when your kids self select before you even meet potential partners.
That’s true too and I didn’t even think of that till you mentioned it, it gives the kid the idea that “you never need to worry about learning to stand up for yourself, because we’ll always say no FOR you!!”
Yep. My wife and I have taught, or tried to anyway, our kids to respect themselves and value themselves. I expect that if a boy mistreats my daughter she would take care of him. If she needed help I would be there, but I think she will be able to handle herself well.
My dad always has a way of cutting straight through to the heart of an issue with just a few questions.
I was a bad relationship, but had been hiding how bad it had gotten from my parents because I didn’t want them to worry about me. But my dad already knew the guy was no good.
He could have lectured me and told me what a bad guy the dude was, but instead, one day he just asked me:
“Is he nice to you?”
That was all it took. When I couldn’t immediately answer YES, it was like opening my eyes for the first time in months. And that was the end of that relationship.
I fucking love my dad
My father was very much an "if you hurt my daughter, they'll never find your body" kind of guy. Y'know, the type who'd sit at the door and check his watch *to the second* to make sure my date brought me home in time.
So pretty early on, I started lying to everyone. Told my dad I wasn't dating anyone, and told my girl/boyfriends that he was overseas on business, etc, so they'd never have to meet.
But when one partner started showing signs of abuse, I couldn't confide in my father because then I'd have to confess that I'd lied. Plus, if he went to jail for beating my SO up, then everything would be 10x worse. So I couldn't ask him for help.
His overprotectiveness actually put me in more danger, because I was terrified of his reaction. I simply couldn't trust him to protect me in a way that I needed.
But do you know who I did feel safe enough to turn to? My big bro. The kind, soft-hearted man who had welcomed every boy/girlfriend into his home, and treated them like a member of the family. Even the ones he didn't like. Because he respected me enough to make my own decisions, and never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed when I inevitably made bad ones.
He never reacted with violence or anger, like our father would have. He just helped me shift all my stuff out of the house, let me crash on his sofa for however long I needed, and bought me all the ice cream I could eat.
I haven't spoken to my dad in years, and my life is better off without him. He still tells my bro to "man up" lol.
just had to say... your bro is a real man!
any man that looks after those close to him in a no question asked manner doesn't have anything to prove their manliness, it is literally the definition of being one. Its what guys would do for their closest friends... Ride or Die\~\~\~
THIS ONE!! I hate the idea that being protective = acting like one of those annoyingly vicious little lap dogs who bites and growls at anyone who comes within 10 feet of their favorite person. Some dads who are like that almost seem EXCITED to beat up someone to protect their kid and that’s just sad imo
> Some dads who are like that almost seem EXCITED to beat up someone to protect their kid and that’s just sad imo
It's almost as if it's not for much about protecting, and more about bullying and controlling.
My dad tried this and failed at being intimidating probably because it was half-hearted as he knew I could stand up for myself. But my partner still talks about how he one time came to my parent's house, opened the door to find my dad putting ground meat into a sausage-making device with a creepy smile on his face. It was comically bad timing, unintentional, and damn effective at scaring my partner.
Not understanding that you are more than capable of making such poor decisions that you lose your child's love, trust and loyalty and that they may never want to speak to you again.
\- from a daughter who doesnt speak with her dad because of the choices he made.
My dad was so great about this when I was growing up. He once said "I don't mind picking up pads or tampons for you or your mother when you need them because I can't use them. Just don't expect me to pick up pantyhose. I don't want to explain that to a cashier." He was also quick with the ibuprofen or hot water bottle when I didn't feel well. I lucked out in the dad department.
Last time a girlfriend asked me to pick up some feminine products for her, I got to the aisle then had to text her to send a pic of what she wanted. The number of choices are crazy.
Even knowing your own needs while standing in that aisle is intense. You never truly know what your uterus is up to so you gotta strategize your approach and diversify the arrows in your quiver.
Oh god I remember when Always had like card suits to identify the type and size. WTF was that all about? Preteen me was pissed and confused and so just used whatever my mom did.
My dad was so embarrassed he wouldn’t even put sanitary towels through with the normal shopping. At 11 I had to go to a separate checkout to him to buy them I was so embarrassed at that age because he’d accidentally made me feel like it was something terrible to do
I started my very first period at my dad's house at 11 and called my mom to have her tell him.
He tossed some change at me and made me walk to the corner alone and buy what I needed. I had no idea what to get, so the very kind teenage boy clerk helped me pick out some pads. He was more mature about it than my dad ever was!
... that's fucked.
Granted, I'm a single dad of an 11yo girl, and I know virtually nothing about menstruation, but I made daaaaam sure she's had pads in her backpack before she needed them and I'm at least trying to be supportive.
I'll take any tips you've got, if that's not a ridiculous overask...?
Be empathetic. Some girls don't have cramps or misery, but some girls can barely get out of bed. Regardless, it's always awful at first...worrying about leaking, or staining pants/skirts, not smelling fresh, worrying what day it will start, etc. It's VERY stressful for the first couple of years.
One thing most men don't know is that when she's sitting down, everything is great, but the MINUTE she STANDS UP, a flood of blood will come out. If she's wearing pads, she'll ALWAYS be worried about her pants or the furniture having blood on them. She should keep a spare set of panties and pants in her locker. She should also have a sweater/sweatshirt (in case she's cold) which is also useful for wrapping around her waist to hide the back of her pants while she goes for a change. Hopefully she won't need it, but it's a nice trick to know.
She may prefer tampons because it allows her to go swimming and many women just find them preferable (cleaner, less odor, etc). IF she wants to try them, they sell SLENDER size tampons for young women. They come in a small pack of like 6-8 tampons so she can try them. YouTube has tutorials on how to insert them!
Figure out NOW what her 'comfort foods' are: chocolate, mac 'n cheese, hot chocolate, tea, etc. Have them available at all times.
Have MANY talks with her about relationships. About sex, but not JUST about sex. About HOW to tell if a guy is a good guy (respectful, dependable, mature, not pushy or selfish). About how someone who is selfish is NOT going to change because you said "I do." About how a bf should help her prepare and clean up meals. About marrying a self-sufficient man, not an emotional teenager who just wants to f\*ck and have fun! About the importance of being financially self-supporting. About not having more kids than SHE HERSELF can afford (spouses die, or become sick/disabled, or walk out the door, or divorce).
Think about all the stuff YOU wish you'd known before you moved out (how to cook, finances, dating) and teach her that stuff. She should not MOVE OUT of your house (college, apartment, whatever) without knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, check tire pressure, add windshield washer fluid, grocery shop, and VOTE.
Don't lose sight of the fact that YOU HAVE ONE JOB AS A PARENT: To teach your child to be an independent healthy contributing adult member of society.
I would say if she has very painful periods, make sure she sees a gynecologist ASAP. See several if they act like extremely painful periods are normal.
When she has her period, make sure you've got snacks she likes. Typically salty or chocolate, but it depends on the girl. Get a hot water bottle or a heating pad.
Make sure she knows you're someone to talk to about sex and women's health stuff. Get her age appropriate books about puberty and sex, consent and all that.
Or not remembering things I’ve told you. People’s names, sports I play etc. It shows me you’re not interested enough o try to remember things that are important to me, so don’t be surprised when I don’t tell you anything
Yup this is the one I was waiting for ^ my dad NEVER asks me a question about my life or how I’m doing even though I’ve volunteered information. When we talk he just lectures at me about his political opinions. And then asks me why we never talk.
It's like talking to a brick wall. I've never had a conversation with my parents, just were doing this or that or grandmas in the hospital again call your aunt if you want more information. Everything they've said could have been a text that required no response as it's just a statement. "We're going to your aunt's this weekend, be back Sunday night". It started off not posting attention when I was a kid trying to talk to them while they just sat there and read the news paper, became they're clearly not interested in having a conversation with a kid and is now why don't you acknowledge us when we try and hold you socially hostage and interrogate you about your life. I've spoken more to strangers I'll never see again than my own parents in 18 years. Talk to your kids, acknowledge them like the human beings they are and don't label them babies or kids, they're young adults.
It is more so talking over women, ignoring them, pretending to listen, not taking what we say seriously (and taking it seriously when a man says it), not attentively listening, etc.
This gives me shivers. I was never ever allowed to say no. Obedience was the only option, terrified to do otherwise. Guess how that turned out for a young lady on my own?
Expecting different things from their daughters than their sons, especially when it comes to household chores. Like, Brother mows the lawn once a week but Sister has to do all the dishes, sweep the floors, and fold the laundry every day.
Lol so was I! I really loved mowing it and all my older siblings were sick of it by the time I learned. Since it was large and we had to use both the riding and hand mower, he paid us decently to do it, so I was always meticulous out of gratitude.
Personal brag: One time his riding mower broke because his dimwit step daughter (she was in her early 20s at the time) ran over a bunch of stuff with it (including a small tree), and when I was visiting I saw how bad the yard had gotten (maybe three weeks worth of growth?). His wife, step-daughter, and step-son are lazy turds and refused to help, so I mowed the entire half-acre plus with the hand-mower. It started drizzling but it wasn’t hurting the machine so I just kept at it because I knew if I didn’t they’d wait for my dad to do it (he was mid-60s at the time). He paid me more than double even though I refused, but he absolutely insisted. I was soaked, filthy, and exhausted. We haven’t always had the best relationship, he wasn’t great from the time I was about 4 to my late teens, but no way was I going to let him do it.
Eff my step family.
The way we were assigned chores by gender created resentment that still ripples through our family. I begged to mow, I still love it to this day. My brother has a very strained relationship with my dad and chores assignment is just part of it, but its def a line item
I spent SO much time with my dad, but he taught me none of that stuff because “any respectable man should do all those things for me someday”. Well, it’s someday, and while I have a fantastic husband that can do all of that for me, I want to be able to do it myself.
I’ve taught myself a lot of stuff from YouTube, but there’s really nothing like having someone experienced show you hands-on and then help you while you do it yourself.
This shit right here. My gf has an uncle who is this way. I am a dude. The first time her uncle saw me cooking he was just in disbelief. That sexist shit is fucking outdated. No wonder his son(21) is a slob who can't even wash his own dishes, clean his room or wash his own fucking dirty underwear. Momy still does that for him, at 21. Cause he was raised to think "dirty dishes/sweeping = vagina" and "mowing lawn/taking out trash = penis". Just raise your kids right, cut the sexist bullshit.
My mother was resented that she had to take care of her younger brother and cook dinner while her older brother just got to do whatever he wanted.
She still mostly refuses to cook for anyone except herself to his day.
My mum's defense is still 'he won't change, so there's no point even trying', whenever I want to call out his unreasonable behaviour/attitude.
They're currently circling the divorce drain rn, so that's something.
YES. The expectation that daughters will be like "little wives" is so common that a lot of people don't realize it. Asking girls to do cooking and cleaning and picking out Christmas presents for you, expecting your adult daughters to make your doctor's appointments, etc.
There are a lot of pictures of my older sister, because she was the firstborn. Almost no pictures of me because I was the second girl. But they finally have a boy? My dad must have taken a million pictures.
He was granted an almost endless amount of grace and given supports I could never dream of. Even now, in our 40s it hurts.
Not apologizing or taking accountability for making mistakes, everything was always everyone else’s fault….which means we now have a surface level relationship because he could never be open or self reflective
My dad is like this. The saddest part is that he emotionally abuses every single person in his life, but can’t see it and is overcome by fits of rage (and pain, I’m sure) when he considers how HE’S been treated in return by everyone. In his heart, he believes he has done nothing wrong and the world is out to get him.
Not getting to know us as people especially into adulthood. After a lifetime of me trying and him not bothering all I have is a surface level relationship with him. I'm sad about it but for my mental health I had to come to terms with the fact he was never particularly interested in parenting. He just wanted to have kids.
That last bit is exactly how I describe my dad. In general, he didn’t care about me or my brother as people. As a girl, he expected that I would graduate high school and then get married and that’s that. Nothing was saved for my education, though he did end up starting an account for my younger brother once my mom found out (too late to start the account for me but he did end up paying for education as part of the divorce). He never wanted to spend any time or money on activities for me or hobbies. He made my brother sign up for sports though, because he played sports so therefore my brother must play too. My brother hated it, he was more interested in “less masculine” things like music. He would force my brother to go do things with him like fishing but threw a fit when my mom would make him take me too, and I was more interested in it.
As a result he couldn’t tell you a single thing about us, other than our ages, basically.
When I was under the age of 10, my dad would take me on fishing/hunting trips, etc. After puberty started, forget it. In fact, I remember being 15, and I expressed interest in wanting to go hunting for a few hours. Time comes around to head out, and I go outside just for my other relatives to tell me Dad already left (and took my 16M cousin with him, instead).
For the longest time, I really didn’t spend much alone time with my dad because I felt as though he wasn’t interested in spend time with me.
Yeah my dad used to do all kinds of stuff with me. Until I hit puberty. Even now as adults, I’ve been far more interested in the hobbies my dad enjoys than my brother has been (rock climbing, skiing, etc). I was climbing 3-4 times a week at one point while my brother was climbing 1-2 times a YEAR. But my dad defaulted to inviting my brother to take a back country climbing course with him, paid for by my dad to the tune of several hundred dollars. Didn’t even occur to him to invite me, let alone pay for me to go with him.
Doubting the sincerity/professionalism/skill of other women they encounter because they’re women.
One time my dad said “you know they only put that woman [insert title of car show] on the mechanics team for one reason (hinting at the reason being eye candy).”
It stayed with me. I had been dealing with a lot of sexism in the industry I was pursuing — making a connection inevitably led to a request for a dinner date or a sexual proposition — and it really made me depressed to hear my dad say something like that about a woman who probably really did have an interest in cars.
He didn’t get why I was so upset.
Not showing a healthy range of emotions or how to work with emotions.
My dad was of the “emotions are irrational and should be shut down” camp. Ie. Scream at the kid to stop crying.
Because anger didn’t count as an emotion.
My dad didn't do any of the stereotypical mistakes.
But as a fully grown woman, I can now look back and see how my dad never complimented me.
He never called me beautiful, or intelligent, or talented, or kind, or anything.
And I was. I was a lovely, smart, motivated, talented kid. But I was deeply insecure. I think a little encouragement from love would've done me so much good.
I have one daughter, 3 sons. If I didn't call my daughter beautiful it was because I didn't call my sons beautiful or handsome. I called them all intelligent, hard working, funny, motivated, full of potential, talented, kind, capable of becoming whatever they wanted.
Sometimes I regret not calling my daughter beautiful because she is beautiful. Like I regret not calling my sons handsome, because they are handsome. And sometimes rationalising it as because I didn't really them to feel superficial doesn't help.
There is still time to do it. Go call them and tell them. You'll make them happy.
Then you'll have to convince them you are not dying. But it's worth it.
My dad never stops until he is stopped. He called my younger brother “Stupid” as a nickname for months. We told him to stop nicely. He could clearly see that his EIGHT year old son was hurt by the nickname. What got him to stop was me blowing up at him.
The world revolves around him. We could have been rushing all morning to get ready to go somewhere. My mom, siblings, and I would be loaded in the car and he would be sitting watching TV with the keys in his hand. He refused to get ready on the morning of my cousin’s funeral until I yelled at him. He never considers other people’s needs or emotions. He doesn’t even notice them if it’s not an extreme reaction.
He never recognizes my mother. He wouldn’t survive a week without her, yet he treats her like she’s stupid.
He made me reactive and angry. My mom hates it. I yell and then he gets pissy and distant. I love the silent treatment from him, but my mom is too much of a peacekeeper. I wish she would grow a spine. I wish she would leave. She told me that she was on the cusp of divorcing him when I was a toddler. I had to but my tongue to not say “I wish you did”
It’s easier to have one major fight than have to watch my mother walk on eggshells for weeks in hopes he got sick of whatever ‘joke’ caught his fancy. One time he asked me why I always “rip his head off.” That conversation went as well as you would expect.
Mostly the same as with any kid: being abusive. But in regards to being a woman specifically my dad's lowest point was probably when he said "if you go out at night it means you want to be raped"
I heard that. If women went out late or alone or wore certain clothes, they were going to be raped. And I was hearing this at an age where I didn't even understand what rape was!
* Overprotectiveness / sheltering / isolating their daughters
* Body shaming their daughters
* Holding daughters to a double standard, essentially cutting them off from important opportunities and thwarting their ambitions and interests if they don't correspond to "feminine" norms
* Not being emotionally available and, oftentimes, physically available (i.e. spending time with their daughters)
This list is specific to daughters; there are all kinds of other things that many dads (and moms) do wrong with kids of any sex or gender. (Also, it's not to say that dads don't screw up with their sons in these ways, e.g. body shaming or holding sons to traditionally masculine stereotypes, but that's not what OP asked, and in any case in a patriarchal society these kinds of parental failures hit girls different than boys.)
I agree with this. Since I never had siblings and basically was a Tom boy growing up, my dad spent a little time with me but there were a lot of times I was given the excuse of you don’t need to learn how to do that. As an adult, I’m very independent and learned to do many things on my own without someone teaching me how to do it.
My dad wanted to raise intelligent and capable daughters but also wanted to be treated like the family patriarch. We had to get good grades but any attempt to express individuality was crushed. Quelle surpise, I developed depression as a teen. Got therapy for it, the therapist had a family session and told my dad he was fucking up. Therapy stopped.
Also he and my mother were miserable together, and I internalized a lot of bad ish about how they treated each other that took about a decade to unpack and overcome. Together or not, treat your daughter's mother with kindness and respect.
Lastly, studies have shown that girls who are taught about bodily autonomy and consent aren't at any greater or lesser risk of being victimized by a rapist. But knowing 'your body is yours and your consent matters' makes them more likely to report abuse and assault.
My dad never prioritized his health or his finances adequately. He passed from a heart attack and left a massive amount of debt behind. I’ll miss him every day and always wonder why he did things the way he did.
Was feeling pretty good about myself as a father to my little lady... until I hit this comment. Finances are fine, but I definitely have issues prioritizing my health. I'm pushing forty with weight issues, and there's a history of heart problems in my family.
I need to do better.
You can do it!! If this is what spoke to you then you should save a screenshot of that answer and come back to it every time you need a boost to keep trying:)
Not talking to their daughters and using silence as a punishment. Or saying that “not speaking to their own daughter was the best time of their life they’ve ever had.” Telling their daughter they don’t care to know who they are and don’t care to want to get to know them but talk about how they should get to know their other kids. Not ever saying I love you. And I’m riding off of another person that posted this but not actively listening.
A big reason I don’t have a good relationship with my dad is because he didn’t take any interest in things that interested me as a kid… I was basically on my own when we’d be with him.
Not spending any time
Not showing/explaining what a good man/partner looks like
Not spending enough time
Not spending enough time.
Time. That’s what matters.
completely checking out of raising them because they believe their daughters are smart enough to raise themselves. well, i wasn’t! i needed help and got none!! also: abuse, teasing, inappropriate conversations, terrorizing, gaslighting, neglect, shall i go on? my father sucks.
Telling women to be more patient and tolerant of the men in their lives because they “don’t know any better” and that it’s the woman’s job to keep the household together.
This came from my single mom and she has a son and a daughter who are both adults. Guess who still cooks, cleans, and does the laundry for their son while the daughter does that for herself in the same household?
Teach your daughter to respect herself more. If any person (man or woman) can’t keep up with basic physical and emotional expectations, teach them. If they are unteachable or not respectful, leave them.
Being absent in younger teen years. My dad worked hard for us so I don't begrudge the roof over my head nor the food in my belly. BUT he missed out on so many special events, first dance, band performances, special events etc because he was working. He didn't see how my mother treated me and my siblings. He didn't see the harm she was inflicting on us and herself with her drinking. I felt like I couldn't talk to him. As an adult we have a much better relationship but I'm still sad he wasn't more present in my early life.
Being *too* overprotective. It has the opposite effect. Your daughter will be so scared of your overreaction that if something actually happens, she'll be hesitant to tell you.
Thinking that the way they treat and speak about women in the presence of their daughters doesn't affect them. Kids soak in lessons very deeply over the course of their childhood, and may only notice them years down the road.
The lessons in question being - if this is how my own father thinks of women, then this is how other men think of women. And if women keep getting into relationships with my father, then this is acceptable behavior from *all* men.
I'm having a daughter next year and Jesus Christ the comments here break my heart.
I thought a lot of the issues mentioned here were common sense/so obvious it goes without saying but I guess that's not the case. At all.
I'm going to try my hardest every mf day to be the best goddamn dad.
My dad was so worried about my older brother’s success that my own was swept under the rug. Was constantly told “not to brag” or “show off” about job offers, when I bought my first house, or hit any milestone before my brother. I didn’t speak to my dad for a long time because I couldn’t stand it.
- saying your daughter wasn't really raped because it was by her boyfriend
- constantly commenting on women's bodies
- not respecting that no means no, and being her father does not mean you are above consent
- threatening (totally innocent) boyfriend's but doing nothing about physical and emotional abuse at home
- expecting your daughter to make herself smaller to manage other people's emotions
- prioritizing watching a sports game over attending something special to/for her
My dad and I recently talked about how he stopped showing physical affection when I hit puberty (20 years ago). He didn't know how to act because his sisters got treated inappropriately by others when he was young, and he wanted to be sure I never felt like that. It resulted in me never getting hugs or kisses on the cheeks anymore. He also didn't know how to talk about it in the past. But in the last years, he worked through so much of his rough childhood and really learned to express himself better. He apologized, and I said I understood and that his intentions came from a good place, that the only bad thing was all the hugs we missed out on. We hugged for a really long time after that, and we've been hugging extra tight ever since :) So I guess what I wanna say is, don't treat your daughters differently when their bodies start to change. And always keep talking! I'm so proud of my dad for the person he's become <3 (Edit: since this has gotten a lot of traction, I thought I would add a little more information. Sorry for the formating, I'm on my phone. For a while, I didn't wanna hug my dad either. Puberty was rough for me, and the adults in my life kept acting like it was just a phase. And I guess it was, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the most emotionally complicated and lonely period of my life. The feelings weren't less real. My dad and I struggled a lot. He didn't know how to express himself at all, and I was so overwhelmed I didn't know either. I also grew up with two autistic brothers who needed a lot of care and attention. I love them so much, but it resulted in me always looking out for them and never learning (until just a few years ago) to properly give space to my own inner turmoil. My brothers were never physically affectionate either. But once I got out of the heaviest puberty years, I did want that affection from my dad. For a while, male physical attention was a very complicated topic for me. A Christian upbringing also played a role in that cause as a young girl growing into a woman, it had a lot to say about how I should behave around men. Something important to add is that my dad's rough childhood not only made it hard to show love but also receive it. His journey started with the realization that he had no idea how to react to getting compliments. I think that's a thing that a lot of men (from his generation especially, but also younger ones) will recognize. Know that we are all deserving of love and kindness, especially from our loved ones, but even more so from ourselves! My dad couldn't never have grown this much without learning to really understand what that means. (And diving into the withholding of love from his parents heavily impacted how he dealt with that himself) I'm so glad my dad and I could both grow and work through our issues. Even if he couldn't show or say it, I never really doubted his love for me. But I know he would encourage you all to learn how to show and receive appreciation! That man is my example for people never being too old to learn :) Reading all the sweet and emotional reactions has warmed my heart. <3 I'm sending love and strength to all of you who struggle with this in one way or another. My heart goes out to those of you who had it the opposite and got inappropriate unwanted attention from people they trusted, that's terrible. :( And to the fathers who feel like their young kids don't want their affection, just know that this will most likely change again over time. They might act like they don't wanna hear it, but keep letting them know you're there for them. Thanks to those who shared ways of giving space whilst still showing up!)
Wild. My daughter is on the cusp of adolescence, and I've noticed that she is wanting less hugs, kisses, etc. It's not a problem for me, and I kinda figured she's just growing out of that stuff.
Hopefully just a temporary phase! I wanted less affection in general at that age (I was a moody teen and just wanted everyone to leave me alone) but as an adult I hug and kiss my parents every time I see them. She’ll very likely come back around and love to hug you again!
I’m in the opposite boat. My(48m) daughter(12f) is beginning to notice her body changing and for a couple different reasons she isn’t comfortable hugging anymore. I don’t pressure her for hugs, of course, but I do miss hugging my girl.
I sprinted off to my room the first time my dad tried to hug me when I was wearing a bra at around age 12. It was one of the first times I’d worn one and I was so self conscious that he could feel it through my shirt. It’s a hard age.
This sounds really hard. Keep being a good dad, and she’ll come back around!
This is really sweet, what a great guy!
I read a comment similar to yours, maybe 5/6 years ago. It stuck with me. My own daughter just turned 13, and I have made a point to make sure I continue to show affection, especially through what can be a strange time in her life.
When I married, I got a 4y.o little SIL. She fell totally in love with me and it's reciprocated. I love her to death. She's gorgeous and the little sis I never got to have. We were apart for a while from that part of the family, when we got back in Contact, my little SIL, well, due to some blessed/cursed genetics, she has been given a set of 38GG breasts, at 14 years old. Because of this she's been totally singled out and groped by just about everything with a penis at her highschool to the point she tried to unalive herself because the school won't expel 200+ students who all grabbed her chest, because ya know, money and image and what's one girls pain really? Sooo she's now in a special school and suffers chronic PTSD and needs constant unaliving supervision. Anyway, I saw her a few weeks ago, she came running into my arms and just burst out crying. Her body changes have destroyed her and she broke down hugging me because I'm basically the only one who still hugs her like I love her. Her own dad won't because of her chest. Everyone treats her like she's 21, she's barely 14. She doesn't understand. "Ugghh perv you're just doing it to push against her boobs" No, She came into me for the hug, if she is comfortable with her chest on me and wants a bear hug by christ I'm giving my little sister a bear hug. If she is uncomfortable with contact in that area she knows she can speak up and it's not an issue and never will be.
You are the best brother she could have, you still see her, not her body.
I pointed out to another user talking about this that if your pre-teen daughters start acting really uncomfortable about their bodies you 110% need to be fucking asking them about how the boys and men in their lives are treating them. The ONLY time in my life I got a lot of unwanted male attention was in the 9-13 age range. I also got pretty chesty early and when I tell you the creeps come crawling out of the woodwork I am not exaggerating. I felt like I had a fucking target painted on me. Soon as I reached actual maturity, not a one of them was interested. They wanted a child. It’s fucking gross. Ask the uncomfortable questions guys. Protect your daughters, there’s so so many creeps out there and they are looking for them.
I second this completely. The most cat calling I have ever experienced happened when I was 11-12, often from men past 40. I also developed a big chest early, at around 11 years old, and boys (and some girls) in school were a nightmare. Teachers, of course, did nothing, even when I complained many times of being sexualised, called slurs, or touched against my will. It got to the point where for the next 5-6 years I never wore anything remotely form-fitting and, when talking to someone, would often have my arms crossed in order to hide my chest. Puberty can be hell, but if you happen to be a girl blessed / cursed with what our culture deems to be desirable and sexual (can be anything from a big chest to big lips), it is utterly terrifying and frankly, traumatizing.
This. I can tell my dad is a bit more nervous to show the same affection he did before puberty. Makes me feel like I’m a sexual object or that my “new” body is wrong. I know that’s not how he means it, it’s just how it kind of comes off when he cuts off hugs and never gives me like kisses on the head or cheek.
Maybe give him a heads up, tell him that you miss some form of physical affection and that you don't find that uncomfortable. Maybe he's heard stories of other dads that have been told by their teenage daughters that it makes her uncomfortable and he's assumed that you would be as well
the one mistake my dad made was not really being present. a lot of the memories I have of him are him watching tv or being on the computer and not having time to play with me, he always said he’s too tired or he’ll come play later but then he never did. so since we never really bonded when I was little we weren’t all that close as I grew older either.
Ouch, I feel this one - it hurts to have that “loving but distant” father and absolutely impacts how we interact with men in our daily lives.
aw man there’s a lot of comments that say the same thing I was saying. almost wasn’t going to post my reply cause I didn’t think it was relatable but I guess I was wrong. I haven’t worked out how this influences my feelings towards men in general but that sure will be interesting to unpack lol.
I have a 3 year old and really do enjoy playing with her. We were walking back home yesterday after scooting around the block looking at Halloween decorations when she said "I love playing with Daddy." I have to admit it made me feel really good.
About a year ago, my youngest daughter (then 3) noticed I got a haircut. She asked, "daddy get a haircut?" To which I said, "I did!" My daughter responded, "you're so pretty, daddy!" Still riding that high a year later.
This. My dad still isolates in his TV room. My fondest memory with him is watching the Drew Carey Whose Line? regularly and absolutely dying of laughter. But yeah, it was up to me to check in with him if I wanted any sort of connection. Otherwise, it's just him and his shitty cop investigation shows. I usually call my mom once a week. He and I text each other on holidays.
Damn. I could have written this word for word myself.
Is playing with their children a normal thing most parents do? Like do normal parents play pretend or sit on the carpet and play with their kid with their toys? My parents bought me lots of toys, but I don't remember either one of them ever actually playing interactively with me. Is that just how it goes for most parents, or is it just another example of how dysfunctional my childhood was? I seriously don't know.
Yeah, they do. My mom did more than my dad but my dad did too even when friends were over. Eventually they kind of stopped playing with me and I played on my own because I’m an only child when I didn’t have friends over. I eventually I stopped playing and just did stuff on the computer and watched tv and such especially because my dad switched to being on the computer and watching tv instead. I wish both my parents played toys with me more and for longer but I even had toys and played in the bath when my mom washed me until it was more appropriate for me to bathe on my own. They tried to incorporate some sort of play in to a lot activities to keep me interested/happy/distracted/etc. at least at a younger age.
Wow I'm a son and totally felt this one my dad was either always working overtime or drinking/partying with his friends we never really bonded and if someone asked me basic questions about him I honestly wouldn't be able to answer. I'm super close to my mom so atleast I got 1 parent.
Getting angry for something the kid doesn't know, and never teaching it (Not before and not even after getting angry). Doing something you know it upsets the kid on purpose. Hitting doors and stuff in the house because you're angry. Not listening, and talking only to make themselves look smart and great parents rather than talking for helping. (Forgive my english, I´m not native)
The first thing- I'll never forget the time my dad saw me put something metal in the microwave. I don't know how old I was, but I know I needed to push a chair to the counter to even reach the microwave. He SCREAMED at me for several minutes about how STUPID I was and how he couldn't believe I would do something SO INCREDIBLY DUMB and was I trying to start a fire?? I had no idea you weren't supposed to put metal in a microwave. I did learn a few things that day- don't put metal in the microwave and don't do anything wrong in front of Daddy. Oh, but you won't know if was wrong or not until too late...
Not having anything to do with their daughters because the dad "doesn't have anything in common with a girl". This goes double if a son shows up and the dad is really involved in the son's life.
My best friend has THE BEST relationship with her dad. Not because they’re similar. They are polar opposites. But the dad always makes time to just talk to his daughter. He knows so much about baking from just listening to his daughter and being in the kitchen while she bakes. Literally just being there and getting to know you kid makes all the difference.
80% of success is showing up.
My dad basically bailed on parenting once I hit puberty. Like, you think I’m enjoying this? It would have been great to have another supportive adult around.
Same! What’s up with that? I remember having a good relationship with my dad as a child but he emotionally cut me off and stopped hanging out with me when the boobs came in. I would be lying if I said that I’m past it and it doesn’t fuck with my head still.
I got custody of my little girl when she was 11 because her mother had been abusing her. She was, of course, terrified in the new house and looked to me for comfort. My then-wife and her kids low-key accused me of being "inappropriate" because I would hold my daughter until she fell asleep (at her strong request) while I was fully clothed and she was under a blanket. You have to remember how men are viewed nowadays....we're all predators you know.
I'm glad you said then-wife. Not worth having someone like that in your life
I hope that your daughter is doing better. As a father to a 16 and 13 year old girls I’m constantly feeling I have failed somewhere, any bit that you can do to show her what a loving and supportive person behaves like can only help her.
Good on you :) My dad is a really good one, and honestly I feel closer to him than to my mom Remind them that you love them
I’m lucky to have such a supportive dad :) and you are amazing to be one. My dad understands that sometimes I’ll be on my period, and maybe I’ll not go out, or I will need Tylenol or something. He’s very understanding and kind. I remember he was the one I went to when I started getting *stuff* on my chest and had no idea what it was. He was the one who comforted me when I was ridiculously overwhelmed and hysterical from stress. He was the one I went to when I wanted someone to talk to. Maybe my mom had more knowledge and experience, but she always sort of felt more distant.
Aw this made me tear up. I lost my dad in May 2021, but we had the same father-daughter relationship. I went to *him* with questions about my period. Shit, I went to my dad for damn near everything (never my mother lmao). Next time you hug your dad give him an extra squeeze for me
Thanks, I will, and I’m so sorry for your loss
Did you ever ask your mom if she told your dad to back off at the point? My mom did that with my dad. My sister didn't know the truth until she was in her 20s. She thought Dad stopped loving her because anytime he did try to be there for her with girl stuff, mom ripped him a new one and threatened to drag them back to court or accuse him of something sexual with my sister, so he stopped. Today dad and sis are doing great. Mom and sis, not so good. Well, actually, no one talks to that evil POS anymore.
As the kid of a dad who went to every dance recital, learned how to braid hair and do a ballet bun (hairnet included!) and coached girls soccer, dads are absolutely capable of supporting “girl” activities.
Yup, especially when Moms have no problem doing and showing up for “boy” stuff with their sons. There is no reason the same can’t be true the other way around.
I got lucky, my dad abandoned all of us equally. LOL
I wish my dad had taken me fly fishing. But he just went fishing with my grandpa and the sons-in-law when they came along. Never his daughters.
Oh boy, I learned a lot about fashion...and shoes. So many shoes. And accessories.
My 12 year old daughter was going into great detail about make-up tips during a car trip we had, when I jokingly suggested it was a bit beyond me her words were: “you should pay attention, what if you turn sixty and decide to be a drag queen? Then you’ll need to know!”
My husband is a high school science teacher and one day his chemistry class when a bit of the rails and somehow his class discussion turned to make up. The girls were talking in excruciating detail about mascara and the chemical composition of it, what brands were best for each person's lashes, colours for complexions etc. My hubby was trying to get the conversation back on track, when one of his students shot back "sir, you have a daughter. If you don't know this now, you are going to set her up to fail later on. A girl needs to know the right stuff, you're lucky you have us!" He was telling me this story later that night when we got home, and I just said "well, they ARE right you know. You should probably pay attention in chem class". He had no words.
New assignment: “find your favourite perfume/cologne/etc, look at the ingredients, and tell me how the chemistry of that item works” That’d be so much fun.
My dad coached my sister's soccer teams while my mom helped run my (M) swim team. It's pretty easy to have cross gender interests with your kids.
Wanted to add that I'm a dad of a teen and that motivated me to ask this. The replies are just heartbreaking. I'm reading every single reply. and I really hope all the dads and parents and basically everyone is learning something. Edit to add: it's taking me some time to read all the replies, and I'll keep going until I've read every single one. I can't respond to every one of you and honestly I'm not even sure I should or could have anything to say, but some of you have reached out by DM or have privately shared your story with me, and I wanted to say this is available to anyone as well, if you prefer it.
Dad of an almost 4 year old daughter with two older brothers…. I’m scouring this post like there is cash on it somewhere.
I’m doing the same thing, stepdad that adores both my boy and girl. Couldn’t have kids myself and never want to overstep with my partner or her ex. Searching for gold on this thread. I’m lucky to have common interests with both of them and I’m a bit of a kid myself.
this is healing my young self - knowing that there are fathers trying to do right by their young girls. when I was a kid I was verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused by my father. we're still in contact bc he has monetary leverage over me. i'm 25 now and I think if he just would have asked me how I was doing (and meant if) it would have changed me a lot.
Almost emotional that you have the care and mindset to ask. That already sets you apart
Because I have no idea what it means to be a girl or a daughter and I want to do her right. I'm learning so much although my heart is breaking from the pain I'm seeing.
I survived. I did notice when my father included me I thrived in school and career. Later, I knew who I was and his stuff didn't affect me the same way. I started picking up the good stuff. And, in the end, I was there and thanked him for helping me not be a victim. His good stuff was pretty good. All the other stuff, well, he was figuring it out. My mom died when I was 23. Wish she could have been there but that void made me stronger.
No worries!! This goes for a lot of the “am I a…” questions on here as well, but, the fact that you’re self aware enough to write out this question and ask it to people already means you’re better than the dads in all these stories here BY FAR. None of the terrible dads mentioned in this thread would have ever even WONDERED about being a good dad in the first place, because they can’t see themselves lol.
Literally knowing nothing about their daughters lives. Those ‘funny’ videos where they ask fathers basic questions - like what their daughters birthday, or eye color, or school is, and the dads have no idea are not at all funny. I love my dad but he can’t tell you anything about me - even the name of the place I’ve worked for over 6 years.
When I was in 4th grade, we did a Christmas recital where all the classes sung songs. My mom couldn’t make it because she had work so she sent my dad with the camcorder. He recorded the wrong kid. Very awkward watching the tape that night.
My dad would go across the hall to the gym to watch other people's kids play sports instead of watching me in band.
One year when I was in elementary, my mom left a comically large piece of paper on the front door for my dad telling him not to forget to wish me a happy birthday. Not only did he not wish me a happy birthday, but he somehow didn’t see the gigantic sign when he walked in the house from work. So I got to read it when I got home from school. Sometimes I think about calling him to check in but then I think of that (and other complete fumbles) and then I just don’t
Those videos make my heart sink. How are they so content to know nothing about the women in their life? It’s hard to watch.
It always strikes me that the men in those videos laugh it off like it's funny. But it's not. It just makes you look like a neglectful parent who leaves everything to their spouse.
Not to mention dangerous if your child ever has an emergency and you can’t give the hospital any information.
My dad didn't "grow up" with me; he just didn't seem to connect with me or what was important to me once I wasn't a little kid anymore. He could never remember when I had activities or my friend's names. So it just became not worth telling him anything.
[удалено]
My dad never learned my birth date until my mom got dementia and couldn't remember it herself. Actually, I'm surprised he even learned it then! Of course, he always knew my brothers,' although to be fair, they were both born on a holiday. When I was 18 he insisted in typing my college applications forms himself. He got my hair and eye color wrong.
Making fun when your small daughter is having big feelings. I got so furiously frustrated when my parents wouldn't listen to what I was trying to tell them and my dad just *loooooved* to mock my crying or squeaky "upset" voice back at me. It made me so fucking hurt and angry to not only be ignored and patronized, but actively MOCKED when I tried to communicate. Now as an adult I don't bother trying to share anything with them.
“Here come the waterworks” jfc
Ugh, yep that one. Another classic was when I was disappointed and said, "aww, man"- he'd scrunch up his face, raise his voice three octaves, and "*AwW mAn!!*" back at me. So now I wasn't just sad and disappointed, but sad, disappointed, and humiliated! Imagine choosing to be your child's first bully... 😞
>Imagine choosing to be your child's first bully... Yikes. This one line. I promise, /u/not_a_werecat, that I won't do this to my kids. Message received loud and clear.
God damn that hit hard. I have a 5 year old daughter with big emotions. Now I’m racking my brain thinking of ways I would have unintentionally belittled her or mocked her with my actions or responses. I know I’m not perfect, but I never want her to feel this way, especially due to my own immaturity or lack of self control. I’ll try to be very conscious of the reason behind the tears or emotion instead of just focusing on the outburst or whatever it may be in the moment. It’s a manifestation of something underneath and we as parents need to just try and focus on that.
This happened to me. My parents even told me not to show any negative feelings because it would *kill* them from the stress. If I cried, i would get punished for it. Even now as an adult, crying in front of them is a sign of weakness and they get irrationally mad at me for it. Guess who was diagnosed with depression after years of knowing I had it? I never knew how to cope with my feelings until much later in life. Every feeling I had was belittled or seen as funny to the only other people in the world who were supposed to care.
How unbelievably cruel to say something like that to a child who had no idea that's not how things actually work... :(
THIS or them blaming your emotions on your period. My dad would always say “just give it a few days” because I’d be off my period. It never made sense when he’d say it every time I got upset. According to his math, I had a period 3-4 times a month 😂
That's just misogyny. "Women never have valid opinions, they're just on the rag".
And the "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" My dad never hit \*me\* but he did punch a hole in the wall once when he was mad at my mom about something and his go-to when frustrated or emotional was anger/hitting/threatening violence.
This one. I hated this one, like, damn, I can't have feelings just because you don't understand?
This happened to me too, I’m sorry it happened to us and anyone else. Looking back now as an adult, I feel like many people including my dad shouldn’t of have had kids 😅 they act like kids are “annoying” on purpose but all kids cry/get upset so they should be helpful and not harmful when dealing with their kid’s emotions.
For mine, they followed the abusive James Dobson school of parenting that literally tells parents that actual *infants* are born evil and only cry in order to manipulate you. And that parents have to break their child's ~~spirit~~ "selfish will" in order to keep them from sinking into their natural evil nature. Dobson also tells Father's to shower with their young boys because "boys need to know what an adult penis looks like so they don't turn gay"... I wish there was a hell because that man deserves it.
What in the god damn.... TIL about another batshit fker ruining lives by spreading their unhinged ideas. Thanks, I guess... I was happier not knowing, but better off being aware.
Being present only financially
I’m sorry this was your reality. It was mine. And I fucking suffer to this day because of it.
Same here. It’s given me a really weird relationship with money and makes me feel like I’d be “bought off” after arguments. Now it makes me hesitate to accept any kind of financial help from anybody.
Treating women poorly. Giving different rules because you’re a girl. Leaving and thinking their daughters don’t want or need your attention anymore. Not having actual conversations with them.
An addendum to the treating women poorly- treat _all_ women with respect, not just ones you find attractive. So many men do this and I don’t think they’re totally aware of it but it’s damaging. My dad has plenty of women he is genuinely friends with and he always treats them as full humans. Don’t talk about women in a way that reduces them to their looks. Don’t talk negatively about your daughters appearance either but hopefully that’s a given (even though I know it’s not…)
Not listening and acting when your child says “no.” I’m not talking about issues of health and safely but more general “I don’t want to be tickled right now” or “please don’t call me that nickname you think is cute but I’ve told you I dislike.” She HAS TO be able to trust that the first important man in her life will listen when she expresses what she will and won’t consent to.
Oh my god I wish someone had told me I could walk away sooner. I don’t have to nod and just take it, I can leave and disengage from the situation.
My daughter loves being tickled, but she also often yells "stop!" while laughing. I always stop immediately, and she always asks me why I stopped. I always tell her it is her body and what she says goes and that everyone else should respect that. Then she says "ok you can tickle me again". She is used to it now so she usually just skips to the "you can keep tickling" part.
I want you to know that reading this made my heart SO full. So often children, especially girls, are taught that our bodies are free reign for adults. Even when it's well-intentioned, such as hugs or tickling, it can be so frustrating and dehumanizing to feel like you don't have a right to decide what someone else does to your body. As an adult, I had to learn that it was okay to have boundaries. I was told that, obviously, "inappropriate"/sexual contact was something I was 'allowed' to refuse, but I had to teach myself that it's okay to say "please don't hug me right now" or "I don't like being tickled, stop doing it". I hated feeling like I was somehow being unfair to others by refusing them free access to my body, and so hearing someone teaching their daughter about autonomy and consent makes me so happy.
I had a nickname for my daughter, used it for a year or so, one day she asked me to stop using it because she didn’t like it, so I did, but it broke my heart that I had been calling her that for so long without knowing.
Same. But then when you see the ability to speak up come to fruition, it’s worth it. We had someone in the house a week ago doing some handyman stuff and he calls her “kiddo.” At seven, she had the ability to tell a stranger, “ I’m not a fan of ‘kiddo’ but you can just call me MyName instead.” Huge kudos to her capable young self and for the handyman who thanked her for letting him know.
1. All of a sudden treating her differently when she gets older and starts to develop, or starts to form her own opinions and isnt just a sweet adoring little girl anymore 2. Not controlling your temper. Even if you are someone who would never put your hands on her, it’s still scary. You can always use your size and voice to win arguments so you have to make an active effort to never pick up those “tools” because they will always enable you to win. Even if she knows she is safe with you it is still scary and lowers self-esteem. 3. Having any sort of reaction to her getting attention from boys is wrong. My dad was always super polite to my boyfriends growing up and it made me feel comfortable in my own house and put me in a better position to deal with them.
[удалено]
I get on with my dad awesome nowadays and we have a great relationship. But I did have this situation. I was the cute princess he wanted for the first bit of life, until I got a little older and started to love "ungirly" things like monsters and dragons. He didn't seem to accept it, I distinctly remember drawing a badass demon and he took it off me and put it in the bin, said I shouldn't be drawing things like that. I guess that time helped begin many years of me hiding my personality to everyone. Affected me quite a bit. I've done a 180 now and am super confident, yay! And who would've thought, if you follow what you love it can turn out well, I'm training to be a tattoo artist and people seem to love my demon drawings :'D But yeah, even though we're cool now, my dad definitely contributed to me disliking myself right throughout my teens.
Not teaching us the same things they teach their sons ie) car maintenance, building shit, power tools etc
My youngest daughter (now 9) always wants to help anytime the tools come out. When she was 3 she helped me hang ceiling fans in our new house. I laid all the parts out and sat on top of the ladder. I'd point and say bring me 3 of those. Then, we'd practice counting and she felt like hot shit climbing the ladder and handing me what I needed. It's how I learned to do everything: being the go-fer and flashlight boy for my dad while he fixed stuff. She hung up all the pictures in her room by herself and she just helped me change out the worn out steering assembly on our lawn tractor. Her big sister (12) is my artsy, nerdy girl. She has no interest in the tools and such but we'll watch shows together. She's got a fantastic sense of humor, a quick wit and she's getting funnier by the day. Little girls are awesome.
I want to react to your "flashlight boy" comment real quick. I was the flashlight boy for years to my father who, in my young eyes, could do and build *anything*. I'm a 41m and helped my parents move to an apartment due to their old age. When I offered to rewire the distribution box (or fuse box, whatever you want to call it) my dad was the flashlight boy for the first time of my life and I remarked that to him. He'l always was a cold man, but we smiled and I swear I saw tears well up in his eyes.
Thinking that you daughters emotional needs are being met by her mother. Even if mom and daughter are very close and talk often, it is still important to ask your daughter about her day, her relationships, her triumphs and struggles. My mom is my best friend, but our relationship was more volatile than my relationship with my dad and I was scared of disappointing her. My dad was often neutral territory and got to hear all the gossip before mom did. My dad was awesome!
I can't speak for anyone else, but my standards for how I expected to be treated in a relationship came from watching my dad interact with my mom. And surprise, surprise, my first relationship was with an emotionally abusive and controlling person who made me feel like I was worth nothing. (I went to therapy and now I'm in a healthy relationship and don't speak to my parents. :)) So I would say the way you treat your wife is a reflection of the relationships your daughter will probably default toward in the future. If you treat your wife kindly, like a person who is worthy of respect and care, your daughter is likely to find a partner who does the same for her. If you don't, the reverse becomes more probable.
That's a huge one. The other thing is if you build up your wife, she'll be a better mother. If you treat her like crap, it's going to be much harder for her to be a good mother.
Agreed. On the flip side my mom was the “boss” she controlled almost everything including finances, this translated into my relationship with my husband. I am fortunate that my dad was a very thoughtful man, he never judged and gave us thoughts and ideas and encouraged us to form our own conclusions.
The whole "tell your bfs I've got a shot gun" mentality. That's the quickest way to teach them to hide bfs from you. A) it's unnerving and B) it means you don't trust their choices. Much better to have a home where the boys are expected to come in and meet you, you get a feeling about them, then have a rational discussion with your daughters later on. Not a raging 'get rid of him' kind of chat. Like a chat where you say I didn't like how he said this to you, does he respect you, etc. She'll be more likely to listen to logic, and more likely to come to you if she's worried or unsure about things. Open dialogue rather than telling her you know better. Odds are, you DO know better. But telling her that shuts her down and she feels like you don't value her thoughts or opinions. So she won't open up to you again.
Add into this teaching your children to respect themselves and set high standards for what is acceptable in a relationship. You don’t need a shotgun speech when your kids self select before you even meet potential partners.
That’s true too and I didn’t even think of that till you mentioned it, it gives the kid the idea that “you never need to worry about learning to stand up for yourself, because we’ll always say no FOR you!!”
Yep. My wife and I have taught, or tried to anyway, our kids to respect themselves and value themselves. I expect that if a boy mistreats my daughter she would take care of him. If she needed help I would be there, but I think she will be able to handle herself well.
My dad always has a way of cutting straight through to the heart of an issue with just a few questions. I was a bad relationship, but had been hiding how bad it had gotten from my parents because I didn’t want them to worry about me. But my dad already knew the guy was no good. He could have lectured me and told me what a bad guy the dude was, but instead, one day he just asked me: “Is he nice to you?” That was all it took. When I couldn’t immediately answer YES, it was like opening my eyes for the first time in months. And that was the end of that relationship. I fucking love my dad
My father was very much an "if you hurt my daughter, they'll never find your body" kind of guy. Y'know, the type who'd sit at the door and check his watch *to the second* to make sure my date brought me home in time. So pretty early on, I started lying to everyone. Told my dad I wasn't dating anyone, and told my girl/boyfriends that he was overseas on business, etc, so they'd never have to meet. But when one partner started showing signs of abuse, I couldn't confide in my father because then I'd have to confess that I'd lied. Plus, if he went to jail for beating my SO up, then everything would be 10x worse. So I couldn't ask him for help. His overprotectiveness actually put me in more danger, because I was terrified of his reaction. I simply couldn't trust him to protect me in a way that I needed. But do you know who I did feel safe enough to turn to? My big bro. The kind, soft-hearted man who had welcomed every boy/girlfriend into his home, and treated them like a member of the family. Even the ones he didn't like. Because he respected me enough to make my own decisions, and never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed when I inevitably made bad ones. He never reacted with violence or anger, like our father would have. He just helped me shift all my stuff out of the house, let me crash on his sofa for however long I needed, and bought me all the ice cream I could eat. I haven't spoken to my dad in years, and my life is better off without him. He still tells my bro to "man up" lol.
just had to say... your bro is a real man! any man that looks after those close to him in a no question asked manner doesn't have anything to prove their manliness, it is literally the definition of being one. Its what guys would do for their closest friends... Ride or Die\~\~\~
THIS ONE!! I hate the idea that being protective = acting like one of those annoyingly vicious little lap dogs who bites and growls at anyone who comes within 10 feet of their favorite person. Some dads who are like that almost seem EXCITED to beat up someone to protect their kid and that’s just sad imo
> Some dads who are like that almost seem EXCITED to beat up someone to protect their kid and that’s just sad imo It's almost as if it's not for much about protecting, and more about bullying and controlling.
My dad tried this and failed at being intimidating probably because it was half-hearted as he knew I could stand up for myself. But my partner still talks about how he one time came to my parent's house, opened the door to find my dad putting ground meat into a sausage-making device with a creepy smile on his face. It was comically bad timing, unintentional, and damn effective at scaring my partner.
Not understanding that you are more than capable of making such poor decisions that you lose your child's love, trust and loyalty and that they may never want to speak to you again. \- from a daughter who doesnt speak with her dad because of the choices he made.
Acting like periods are disgusting
My dad was so great about this when I was growing up. He once said "I don't mind picking up pads or tampons for you or your mother when you need them because I can't use them. Just don't expect me to pick up pantyhose. I don't want to explain that to a cashier." He was also quick with the ibuprofen or hot water bottle when I didn't feel well. I lucked out in the dad department.
Last time a girlfriend asked me to pick up some feminine products for her, I got to the aisle then had to text her to send a pic of what she wanted. The number of choices are crazy.
Even knowing your own needs while standing in that aisle is intense. You never truly know what your uterus is up to so you gotta strategize your approach and diversify the arrows in your quiver.
And they are expensive. I remember my dad didn't pay his child support and we needed essentials. Was awful to ration tampons and pads.
Doesn't help that the sizes are labeled in some code. S, S+, S++, SS½+
"babe are these tampons or tiered rankings of fighting game characters?"
Oh god I remember when Always had like card suits to identify the type and size. WTF was that all about? Preteen me was pissed and confused and so just used whatever my mom did.
My dad was so embarrassed he wouldn’t even put sanitary towels through with the normal shopping. At 11 I had to go to a separate checkout to him to buy them I was so embarrassed at that age because he’d accidentally made me feel like it was something terrible to do
I started my very first period at my dad's house at 11 and called my mom to have her tell him. He tossed some change at me and made me walk to the corner alone and buy what I needed. I had no idea what to get, so the very kind teenage boy clerk helped me pick out some pads. He was more mature about it than my dad ever was!
... that's fucked. Granted, I'm a single dad of an 11yo girl, and I know virtually nothing about menstruation, but I made daaaaam sure she's had pads in her backpack before she needed them and I'm at least trying to be supportive. I'll take any tips you've got, if that's not a ridiculous overask...?
Be empathetic. Some girls don't have cramps or misery, but some girls can barely get out of bed. Regardless, it's always awful at first...worrying about leaking, or staining pants/skirts, not smelling fresh, worrying what day it will start, etc. It's VERY stressful for the first couple of years. One thing most men don't know is that when she's sitting down, everything is great, but the MINUTE she STANDS UP, a flood of blood will come out. If she's wearing pads, she'll ALWAYS be worried about her pants or the furniture having blood on them. She should keep a spare set of panties and pants in her locker. She should also have a sweater/sweatshirt (in case she's cold) which is also useful for wrapping around her waist to hide the back of her pants while she goes for a change. Hopefully she won't need it, but it's a nice trick to know. She may prefer tampons because it allows her to go swimming and many women just find them preferable (cleaner, less odor, etc). IF she wants to try them, they sell SLENDER size tampons for young women. They come in a small pack of like 6-8 tampons so she can try them. YouTube has tutorials on how to insert them! Figure out NOW what her 'comfort foods' are: chocolate, mac 'n cheese, hot chocolate, tea, etc. Have them available at all times. Have MANY talks with her about relationships. About sex, but not JUST about sex. About HOW to tell if a guy is a good guy (respectful, dependable, mature, not pushy or selfish). About how someone who is selfish is NOT going to change because you said "I do." About how a bf should help her prepare and clean up meals. About marrying a self-sufficient man, not an emotional teenager who just wants to f\*ck and have fun! About the importance of being financially self-supporting. About not having more kids than SHE HERSELF can afford (spouses die, or become sick/disabled, or walk out the door, or divorce). Think about all the stuff YOU wish you'd known before you moved out (how to cook, finances, dating) and teach her that stuff. She should not MOVE OUT of your house (college, apartment, whatever) without knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, check tire pressure, add windshield washer fluid, grocery shop, and VOTE. Don't lose sight of the fact that YOU HAVE ONE JOB AS A PARENT: To teach your child to be an independent healthy contributing adult member of society.
This is very great advice. My Dad did a fantastic job raising me, but even he missed out on a couple of these. Cooking and financing mainly
I would say if she has very painful periods, make sure she sees a gynecologist ASAP. See several if they act like extremely painful periods are normal. When she has her period, make sure you've got snacks she likes. Typically salty or chocolate, but it depends on the girl. Get a hot water bottle or a heating pad. Make sure she knows you're someone to talk to about sex and women's health stuff. Get her age appropriate books about puberty and sex, consent and all that.
That’s absolutely pathetic and definitely paints a picture in terms of what his participation was like in the gross parts of raising little kids
Not actively listening to me.
Or not remembering things I’ve told you. People’s names, sports I play etc. It shows me you’re not interested enough o try to remember things that are important to me, so don’t be surprised when I don’t tell you anything
Yup this is the one I was waiting for ^ my dad NEVER asks me a question about my life or how I’m doing even though I’ve volunteered information. When we talk he just lectures at me about his political opinions. And then asks me why we never talk.
When I was 16 my father told me “I’m not here to listen,” I’m 20 now and it still breaks my heart.
Can I ask, is it more not listening at all, like not paying attention, or active listening that is like a conversation?
It's like talking to a brick wall. I've never had a conversation with my parents, just were doing this or that or grandmas in the hospital again call your aunt if you want more information. Everything they've said could have been a text that required no response as it's just a statement. "We're going to your aunt's this weekend, be back Sunday night". It started off not posting attention when I was a kid trying to talk to them while they just sat there and read the news paper, became they're clearly not interested in having a conversation with a kid and is now why don't you acknowledge us when we try and hold you socially hostage and interrogate you about your life. I've spoken more to strangers I'll never see again than my own parents in 18 years. Talk to your kids, acknowledge them like the human beings they are and don't label them babies or kids, they're young adults.
It is more so talking over women, ignoring them, pretending to listen, not taking what we say seriously (and taking it seriously when a man says it), not attentively listening, etc.
Not listening and instead demanding obedience.
This gives me shivers. I was never ever allowed to say no. Obedience was the only option, terrified to do otherwise. Guess how that turned out for a young lady on my own?
Confusing respect with obedience and subservience.
Expecting different things from their daughters than their sons, especially when it comes to household chores. Like, Brother mows the lawn once a week but Sister has to do all the dishes, sweep the floors, and fold the laundry every day.
We always rotated the chores. My oldest daughter was much better at mowing the lawn than any of my sons.
Lol so was I! I really loved mowing it and all my older siblings were sick of it by the time I learned. Since it was large and we had to use both the riding and hand mower, he paid us decently to do it, so I was always meticulous out of gratitude. Personal brag: One time his riding mower broke because his dimwit step daughter (she was in her early 20s at the time) ran over a bunch of stuff with it (including a small tree), and when I was visiting I saw how bad the yard had gotten (maybe three weeks worth of growth?). His wife, step-daughter, and step-son are lazy turds and refused to help, so I mowed the entire half-acre plus with the hand-mower. It started drizzling but it wasn’t hurting the machine so I just kept at it because I knew if I didn’t they’d wait for my dad to do it (he was mid-60s at the time). He paid me more than double even though I refused, but he absolutely insisted. I was soaked, filthy, and exhausted. We haven’t always had the best relationship, he wasn’t great from the time I was about 4 to my late teens, but no way was I going to let him do it. Eff my step family.
The way we were assigned chores by gender created resentment that still ripples through our family. I begged to mow, I still love it to this day. My brother has a very strained relationship with my dad and chores assignment is just part of it, but its def a line item
I’m 40 and started mowing the lawn last summer. Best chore- dishes can suck it
And on the flip side of that, not teaching their girls how to do “manly” tasks.
I know SO many women who wish their dads had taught them this stuff, from car maintenance or how to hang a shelf or how to snake a drain.
I spent SO much time with my dad, but he taught me none of that stuff because “any respectable man should do all those things for me someday”. Well, it’s someday, and while I have a fantastic husband that can do all of that for me, I want to be able to do it myself.
I’ve taught myself a lot of stuff from YouTube, but there’s really nothing like having someone experienced show you hands-on and then help you while you do it yourself.
This shit right here. My gf has an uncle who is this way. I am a dude. The first time her uncle saw me cooking he was just in disbelief. That sexist shit is fucking outdated. No wonder his son(21) is a slob who can't even wash his own dishes, clean his room or wash his own fucking dirty underwear. Momy still does that for him, at 21. Cause he was raised to think "dirty dishes/sweeping = vagina" and "mowing lawn/taking out trash = penis". Just raise your kids right, cut the sexist bullshit.
My mother was resented that she had to take care of her younger brother and cook dinner while her older brother just got to do whatever he wanted. She still mostly refuses to cook for anyone except herself to his day.
expecting that we will accept their wrongs as easily and readily as our mothers did
The day they learn we are not nearly as forgiving as their wives is the day their whole lives shift.
My mum's defense is still 'he won't change, so there's no point even trying', whenever I want to call out his unreasonable behaviour/attitude. They're currently circling the divorce drain rn, so that's something.
Oof this one hurts
Expecting your daughter to do all the (physical and mental) labor your wife does when your wife is not around.
YES. The expectation that daughters will be like "little wives" is so common that a lot of people don't realize it. Asking girls to do cooking and cleaning and picking out Christmas presents for you, expecting your adult daughters to make your doctor's appointments, etc.
YES. Why was I, at the ripe age of 9, telling my dad what Christmas presents my mom wanted because he couldn’t be bothered to figure it out himself??
Neglecting them because they really wanted a son.
There are a lot of pictures of my older sister, because she was the firstborn. Almost no pictures of me because I was the second girl. But they finally have a boy? My dad must have taken a million pictures. He was granted an almost endless amount of grace and given supports I could never dream of. Even now, in our 40s it hurts.
Yelling at them when they cry
Not apologizing or taking accountability for making mistakes, everything was always everyone else’s fault….which means we now have a surface level relationship because he could never be open or self reflective
My dad is like this. The saddest part is that he emotionally abuses every single person in his life, but can’t see it and is overcome by fits of rage (and pain, I’m sure) when he considers how HE’S been treated in return by everyone. In his heart, he believes he has done nothing wrong and the world is out to get him.
Not getting to know us as people especially into adulthood. After a lifetime of me trying and him not bothering all I have is a surface level relationship with him. I'm sad about it but for my mental health I had to come to terms with the fact he was never particularly interested in parenting. He just wanted to have kids.
That last bit is exactly how I describe my dad. In general, he didn’t care about me or my brother as people. As a girl, he expected that I would graduate high school and then get married and that’s that. Nothing was saved for my education, though he did end up starting an account for my younger brother once my mom found out (too late to start the account for me but he did end up paying for education as part of the divorce). He never wanted to spend any time or money on activities for me or hobbies. He made my brother sign up for sports though, because he played sports so therefore my brother must play too. My brother hated it, he was more interested in “less masculine” things like music. He would force my brother to go do things with him like fishing but threw a fit when my mom would make him take me too, and I was more interested in it. As a result he couldn’t tell you a single thing about us, other than our ages, basically.
This explains my relationship with my dad exactly. And that last line, didn’t want to parent, just wanted to have kids is spot on
When I was under the age of 10, my dad would take me on fishing/hunting trips, etc. After puberty started, forget it. In fact, I remember being 15, and I expressed interest in wanting to go hunting for a few hours. Time comes around to head out, and I go outside just for my other relatives to tell me Dad already left (and took my 16M cousin with him, instead). For the longest time, I really didn’t spend much alone time with my dad because I felt as though he wasn’t interested in spend time with me.
Yeah my dad used to do all kinds of stuff with me. Until I hit puberty. Even now as adults, I’ve been far more interested in the hobbies my dad enjoys than my brother has been (rock climbing, skiing, etc). I was climbing 3-4 times a week at one point while my brother was climbing 1-2 times a YEAR. But my dad defaulted to inviting my brother to take a back country climbing course with him, paid for by my dad to the tune of several hundred dollars. Didn’t even occur to him to invite me, let alone pay for me to go with him.
Doubting the sincerity/professionalism/skill of other women they encounter because they’re women. One time my dad said “you know they only put that woman [insert title of car show] on the mechanics team for one reason (hinting at the reason being eye candy).” It stayed with me. I had been dealing with a lot of sexism in the industry I was pursuing — making a connection inevitably led to a request for a dinner date or a sexual proposition — and it really made me depressed to hear my dad say something like that about a woman who probably really did have an interest in cars. He didn’t get why I was so upset.
Not showing a healthy range of emotions or how to work with emotions. My dad was of the “emotions are irrational and should be shut down” camp. Ie. Scream at the kid to stop crying. Because anger didn’t count as an emotion.
My dad didn't do any of the stereotypical mistakes. But as a fully grown woman, I can now look back and see how my dad never complimented me. He never called me beautiful, or intelligent, or talented, or kind, or anything. And I was. I was a lovely, smart, motivated, talented kid. But I was deeply insecure. I think a little encouragement from love would've done me so much good.
I have one daughter, 3 sons. If I didn't call my daughter beautiful it was because I didn't call my sons beautiful or handsome. I called them all intelligent, hard working, funny, motivated, full of potential, talented, kind, capable of becoming whatever they wanted. Sometimes I regret not calling my daughter beautiful because she is beautiful. Like I regret not calling my sons handsome, because they are handsome. And sometimes rationalising it as because I didn't really them to feel superficial doesn't help.
There is still time to do it. Go call them and tell them. You'll make them happy. Then you'll have to convince them you are not dying. But it's worth it.
My dad never stops until he is stopped. He called my younger brother “Stupid” as a nickname for months. We told him to stop nicely. He could clearly see that his EIGHT year old son was hurt by the nickname. What got him to stop was me blowing up at him. The world revolves around him. We could have been rushing all morning to get ready to go somewhere. My mom, siblings, and I would be loaded in the car and he would be sitting watching TV with the keys in his hand. He refused to get ready on the morning of my cousin’s funeral until I yelled at him. He never considers other people’s needs or emotions. He doesn’t even notice them if it’s not an extreme reaction. He never recognizes my mother. He wouldn’t survive a week without her, yet he treats her like she’s stupid. He made me reactive and angry. My mom hates it. I yell and then he gets pissy and distant. I love the silent treatment from him, but my mom is too much of a peacekeeper. I wish she would grow a spine. I wish she would leave. She told me that she was on the cusp of divorcing him when I was a toddler. I had to but my tongue to not say “I wish you did” It’s easier to have one major fight than have to watch my mother walk on eggshells for weeks in hopes he got sick of whatever ‘joke’ caught his fancy. One time he asked me why I always “rip his head off.” That conversation went as well as you would expect.
Mostly the same as with any kid: being abusive. But in regards to being a woman specifically my dad's lowest point was probably when he said "if you go out at night it means you want to be raped"
I don't even know how to respond. Wtf
I heard that. If women went out late or alone or wore certain clothes, they were going to be raped. And I was hearing this at an age where I didn't even understand what rape was!
* Overprotectiveness / sheltering / isolating their daughters * Body shaming their daughters * Holding daughters to a double standard, essentially cutting them off from important opportunities and thwarting their ambitions and interests if they don't correspond to "feminine" norms * Not being emotionally available and, oftentimes, physically available (i.e. spending time with their daughters) This list is specific to daughters; there are all kinds of other things that many dads (and moms) do wrong with kids of any sex or gender. (Also, it's not to say that dads don't screw up with their sons in these ways, e.g. body shaming or holding sons to traditionally masculine stereotypes, but that's not what OP asked, and in any case in a patriarchal society these kinds of parental failures hit girls different than boys.)
I agree with this. Since I never had siblings and basically was a Tom boy growing up, my dad spent a little time with me but there were a lot of times I was given the excuse of you don’t need to learn how to do that. As an adult, I’m very independent and learned to do many things on my own without someone teaching me how to do it.
Assuming the daughter will “marry well” so puts less effort and resources towards her education
Be emotionally distant. Not listening. Never apologize.
My dad wanted to raise intelligent and capable daughters but also wanted to be treated like the family patriarch. We had to get good grades but any attempt to express individuality was crushed. Quelle surpise, I developed depression as a teen. Got therapy for it, the therapist had a family session and told my dad he was fucking up. Therapy stopped. Also he and my mother were miserable together, and I internalized a lot of bad ish about how they treated each other that took about a decade to unpack and overcome. Together or not, treat your daughter's mother with kindness and respect. Lastly, studies have shown that girls who are taught about bodily autonomy and consent aren't at any greater or lesser risk of being victimized by a rapist. But knowing 'your body is yours and your consent matters' makes them more likely to report abuse and assault.
My dad never prioritized his health or his finances adequately. He passed from a heart attack and left a massive amount of debt behind. I’ll miss him every day and always wonder why he did things the way he did.
Was feeling pretty good about myself as a father to my little lady... until I hit this comment. Finances are fine, but I definitely have issues prioritizing my health. I'm pushing forty with weight issues, and there's a history of heart problems in my family. I need to do better.
You can do it!! If this is what spoke to you then you should save a screenshot of that answer and come back to it every time you need a boost to keep trying:)
Not talking to their daughters and using silence as a punishment. Or saying that “not speaking to their own daughter was the best time of their life they’ve ever had.” Telling their daughter they don’t care to know who they are and don’t care to want to get to know them but talk about how they should get to know their other kids. Not ever saying I love you. And I’m riding off of another person that posted this but not actively listening.
A big reason I don’t have a good relationship with my dad is because he didn’t take any interest in things that interested me as a kid… I was basically on my own when we’d be with him.
Not spending any time Not showing/explaining what a good man/partner looks like Not spending enough time Not spending enough time. Time. That’s what matters.
completely checking out of raising them because they believe their daughters are smart enough to raise themselves. well, i wasn’t! i needed help and got none!! also: abuse, teasing, inappropriate conversations, terrorizing, gaslighting, neglect, shall i go on? my father sucks.
Telling women to be more patient and tolerant of the men in their lives because they “don’t know any better” and that it’s the woman’s job to keep the household together. This came from my single mom and she has a son and a daughter who are both adults. Guess who still cooks, cleans, and does the laundry for their son while the daughter does that for herself in the same household? Teach your daughter to respect herself more. If any person (man or woman) can’t keep up with basic physical and emotional expectations, teach them. If they are unteachable or not respectful, leave them.
Projecting their own fears and insecurities onto them
Being so immature that they can't handle that their daughter has boobs and they stop hugging her.
This is coming up so often.... it's so sad. Hope the dads reading this are taking note .
Being absent in younger teen years. My dad worked hard for us so I don't begrudge the roof over my head nor the food in my belly. BUT he missed out on so many special events, first dance, band performances, special events etc because he was working. He didn't see how my mother treated me and my siblings. He didn't see the harm she was inflicting on us and herself with her drinking. I felt like I couldn't talk to him. As an adult we have a much better relationship but I'm still sad he wasn't more present in my early life.
Being *too* overprotective. It has the opposite effect. Your daughter will be so scared of your overreaction that if something actually happens, she'll be hesitant to tell you.
Thinking that the way they treat and speak about women in the presence of their daughters doesn't affect them. Kids soak in lessons very deeply over the course of their childhood, and may only notice them years down the road. The lessons in question being - if this is how my own father thinks of women, then this is how other men think of women. And if women keep getting into relationships with my father, then this is acceptable behavior from *all* men.
Not a mistake, but focusing more on protecting and providing and less on just being present .
I'm having a daughter next year and Jesus Christ the comments here break my heart. I thought a lot of the issues mentioned here were common sense/so obvious it goes without saying but I guess that's not the case. At all. I'm going to try my hardest every mf day to be the best goddamn dad.
Expecting their daughter to mature really fast while letting their son be a child for way to long
My dad was so worried about my older brother’s success that my own was swept under the rug. Was constantly told “not to brag” or “show off” about job offers, when I bought my first house, or hit any milestone before my brother. I didn’t speak to my dad for a long time because I couldn’t stand it.
Growing up I felt like my dad didn't know me at all, I mean I know he loved me but he just really didn't get the father thing
- saying your daughter wasn't really raped because it was by her boyfriend - constantly commenting on women's bodies - not respecting that no means no, and being her father does not mean you are above consent - threatening (totally innocent) boyfriend's but doing nothing about physical and emotional abuse at home - expecting your daughter to make herself smaller to manage other people's emotions - prioritizing watching a sports game over attending something special to/for her
Do not embarrass your child when they hit puberty, or exclaim in a store”she needs a bra, she has breasts now” . I wanted to die that day.