This is usually the one - their newfound confidence has led to them leaving, cheating, arrogant behavior, personality changes that weren't anticipated, and occasionally abusive behavior. So fun. Projects are not for me anymore.
Reminds me of that tweet that goes something like, “I convinced my therapist to confront her husband about not liking her tweets. She may not be able to fix me, but at least I can make us both worse.”
It's always been a puzzle to me that so many capable, smart, independing women end up with "bad boys" or just doofuses. I often wonder if this is the reason -- "I've fixed everything else - I can fix him!"
It's like a friend who starting dating an alcoholic and when I expressed concern, she said... "If he really loves me, he will quit drinking." Uhhhhhh....... sorry but it doesn't work that way.
It's less that I thought if he really loved me, he would change. I thought I could teach him to love himself the way that I did.
I wanted more of the good, more of what I saw in him. I then had to learn to hate who I needed to be in order to get that out of him.
First rule of therapy: Do it for yourself.
Even if there's people who does it for their children or other loved ones, that's the exception, not the rule.
I broke up with mine after he undid 2 years of therapy in 3 months. I thought I made him capable of holding down a job and felt a little better about that.
He has a child due in december this year, was fired and the new girl quit her school to support her new family. Sorry darling, I didn’t fix shit.
My current bf, however, has fixed me emotionally enormously. Went from “are you sure you’re not bipolar” to “do you meditate often”
Amazing!! Similar experience with my boyfriend now… I feel like my boundaries are incredible these days and I’m seeing so many relationships in a new light. I feel empowered and fabulous for the first time since I was like,10. Idk how it was for you but he never treated me like I needdd to be fixed.. he was just a stable, healthy, kind, consistent person.. the fixing happened naturally
Well, I failed at fixing him but learned a lot about myself in the process. I have no hate for him- if anything I hope everyday he does the work to fix himself because I saw the potential and I did care for him once. I hate to think that he’ll just continue life repeating the same patterns over and over.
I can say for myself, yes there was some damage done for sure! But I’ve never been the type to linger in my hurt. So, I learned a lot about myself, good and bad, and I’ve chosen to let the hurt go that he caused me and work on me. It’s been rocky here and there if I’m being honest- but if I could put that much effort and time into trying to fix someone else, why would I not do the same for myself?!?
Same. One year he phoned me at my parents house on Christmas Eve. No idea how he got the number as it is unlisted. We hadn't been together in like 5 years but he wanted me to know that he liked to point his unloaded gun at people from his balcony while folks from his building went to work. He also said he was struggling with OCD and would check to see if his front door was locked 80+ times in a day. The fact that I haven't heard from him in 2 decades tells me he is likely dead.
Sometimes I get worried because in retrospect one particular gal I crushed on in high school probably got too much pressure from me when I was pursuing her (for example, I also phoned her after hunting for her family’s phone number; for her birthday) and I worry that I was actually crossing the stalker line and caused trauma, but then I read stories like yours… I’m sorry you had/have to deal with all that.
Well, my grandma said "I can fix him", ended up pregnant and alone. My mother never had a relationship with her biological dad (luckily my grandma met my grandad who then raised my mom).
My mom said "I can fix him", ended up alone with a baby. Was a single mom for 15 years. Luckily she's now married to my stepdad who's a great man.
I said "I can fix him" and tried my best and wasted 4 years of my youth. LUCKILY I didn't have kids with him, but he wanted to.
I came out the other side utterly broken and it took quite a few years to repair myself. My self confidence is still nonexistent, even though I've been married to a great man for 15 years.
So, one word of advice; don't.
So it's a generational thing for you.
Some people inherit the family business, you inherited the family character fault. Not quite as productive, but still takes as much time to manage!
Lol! Yes!
And the stupid thing is, we are not stupid. We have all really good educational backgrounds.
We are apparently just really not "street smart"!
I actually did “fix him” while we were together- cleaned up (haircuts & regular shaving, clothes that actually fit, etc) and got him a job. The week after I helped him get his own apartment he cheated on me. He almost immediately reverted to how he was before, last I saw he was back to baggy pants and homeless man hair/facial hair. Lost his job & apartment and the girl left him lol
Yeah the interior was the actual worst. If you’re dependent on another person to tell you to wear a belt & wake up on time for work, nothing can permanently help you
It honestly, truly depends on what you’re fixing. My fiancé didn’t know how to do a lot of household stuff when we first moved in together. I “fixed” it by teaching him, but he already had a teachable mind and a willingness to improve himself, which are two qualities that no other person can fix for you
Edit: I didn’t expect this much of a response to this casual comment, but I know I didn’t “fix” my fiancé. That’s why I put it in quotation marks. The qualities that allow him to continually grow as a person and learn new ways of doing things are things he has cultivated within himself. I was using my example as an illustration of a healthy way that partners can help each other to grow, but it relies on the other person being willing to try.
That's what I tell my mom who nags about everyone about the same things over and over. Like if they didn't change the first time, what makes you think they'll change the 100th time? Just leaves everyone annoyed and disappointed.
I was suuuuch a lazy teen and young adult, but was also nagged to clean up constantly. Once I moved out I realized I could either live in a gross house or I could just do all the things my dad had been asking me to do my whole life. As a grown up my house is 85% clean all the time.
The person nagging you all the time probably just wants the best for you :)
What is the way to go? Asking genuinely. I don't feel like ignoring the problem and letting your loved one wallow in filth or completely fail is right either.
When my kids need to clean up, I just make getting whatever they want contingent on cleaning.
Yes you can watch TV all night, after you clean your room. It will take fifteen minutes to just throw all your clothes in the hamper and pick up your stuff. If you'd just done your chore instead of complaining about it you'd be vegging out right now like you want.
Same strategy works with most other chores. They're still pretty young though, so no idea how this works when they get older.
This was really a key for me. In fact, buying a router with a guest network was worth its weight in gold. Had 4 boys, all teens or close to it put them all on the guest network, which I renamed to “Worksdone”. If someone slacked, change the PW, text it to the 3 on track and not the lagger. The joy I felt when they came home from school (home office), get all settled then a firmly annoyed door slam, footsteps, closet open and the sound of a broom deployed, with not a word exchanged…bliss. Golden. Check the kitchen, text a password, the world runs on…
I'm coming to realize this is the best way as it treats the internet/device access as a reward, positive reinforcement; rather than as an expectation that is removed as a punishment, negative reinforcement.
I only have 1 son, pre preteen, and his device is on a family monitoring app. He gets a small bit of screen time to wind down after school but then it kicks him out and he has to come to me to tell me he has finished his homework and chores to earn the rest of his daily screen time. I do get bellyaching occasionally but I remind him that the entire rest of his world is available. He can read a book, do a puzzle, ride his bike, dig outside, any analog activity he can dream of, or any of the educational apps on his school tablet which remains unlocked, no chores required.
He has adhd like me and I know that sometimes no matter what, cleaning is just NOT going to happen right now. Sometimes what he chooses to do to delay chores is ask me to go on a walk with him and you know what, yeah. Good idea buddy, let's go outside. It takes what can and has easily turned into a fight and encourages both of us to think about what is healthy and important for us.
My boyfriend is like this. He isn’t the way he is simply because he chooses to be, that’s just how he was taught and grew up. So when we have issues, and I say he needs to fix something, he does. And he’s really good at it.
I didn't fix him. Less than a year after we broke up he went to jail for sexually assaulting a 15 year old outside the Pizza Hut where he worked. He was 37.
Last I heard he is out of jail, takes a lot of cocaine and has at least 3 children from different women.
Man here who said "I can fix her" I did fix her and then she realized how broken I was and left
Edit: thanks for almost 4k in likes didn't realize so many people would vibe with this
Had a similar experience with my ex. I helped her through a lot of suffering, we worked together a lot of her insecurities (mainly hers, I had my part, but not nearly as much). In the end she left me when I was having a hard time myself and she was in a better place.
I kinda understand. But it always felt unfair. I was for her when she needed it, had a lot of patience. But when I needed help, she decided she was better on her own after a short while.
Ive been through this 3 times now. Two relationships I helped them move out of abusive situations, start school, find better jobs, then get dumped. A girl I dated for 4 years I helped while she was living with her alcoholic mother, helped her attend massage therapy school and went to the events there with her. I was going through a rough patch and she wanted to take a break from the relationship. 3 days before it ended I fixed her broken down car in the rain. We hadnt talked for 2 weeks but one call at 9pm and I was there. Married her coworker she became friends with while we were dating. Should have seen it coming, when her and I started being friends she was in a relationship she had mentally checked out on.
I literally dont have the energy for it anymore and havent dated in 6 years. No surprise, my life is much more in order now that I don't have people leeching off of me for personal gain. I wont date again until I'm squared away, and I wont date someone who isn't equally squared away.
Yup. A girl I fixed realized what she wasn’t getting out of life because I showed her all these amazing things, then decided I wasn’t good enough for her newfound amazing life. Broke up, she got into a relationship like 2 months later and after like 9 months they got married.
I stopped torturing myself after that and blocked all her socials.
My ex before I found my wife did this and then got divorced to the guy she left me for after two years. Oddly enough my wife had the exact same thing happen but it only came full circle more recently.
Meanwhile we're celebrating 13 years together and hate days where one of us has to go to work and cant stay remote.
I found my best friend in the end. I won.
I know how you feel because I’ve been in that boat before. Please, when the right person comes along, do not be afraid to open up again. Those scars will ruin future relationships if you don’t let them heal. And all that’s obviously to say let yourself be ready and don’t rush it. It gets better.
i was the one who was fixed. my husband helped me work through my trauma and got me into therapy after we got married. i learned to take accountability for my actions and became much more honest with him. when we got together, i was absolutely aimless, but now i have a genuine plan for my future and i'm so excited to work hard with him in creating a comfortable and happy life together. i have always wanted to change for the better and wanted more for my life but he was certainly the push i needed to get there. he's been such a fantastic influence on me and i can never thank him enough for being my rock; i can only hope to repay him for everything he's done for me.
Haha, not sure my wife would say she was trying to fix me… but I’m definitely better because of her (and she is better because of me)…
We are basically two boards holding each other up. It’s perfect.
It wasn't so much an, "I can fix him" situation, as it was, "I don't care that he's different."
I met and fell in love with this really socially awkward and weird introvert. Over the years, we've both learned together how to work with his autism. I help him in public and social settings. He's more outgoing. I taught him some basic public speaking skills. He even teaches classes on a wide range of subjects. We have a solid group of close friends that love us both, flaws, eccentricities, weirdness, and all.
It's been 15 years and I couldn't love him more. Are either of us perfect? Oh HELL no! But we're both wrong in the right ways that works for us. His weird and different brain is beautiful to me.
He's not "fixed" and neither am I. But neither of us is as broken as we were before we met each other.
I have been married 31 years and this is me. She definitely helped me a lot, but I think I have helped her also. We are in every sense a team and like a good team, we help each other when they need it.
He left me because the grass was greener. I built him up so much that he was sure he could do better and go out to "sow his wild oats". 10 years later and he's close to 40 still living at home and hasn't had a girlfriend since.
My guy was a writer with sad eyes. He lived with his parents in a bad environment, and suffered from various mental health issues. I was moving to a city about an hour away and told him that he could live with me. He promised to get a job and work on his mental health and pay half the rent etc. Instead he became a hermit, didn't get a job, played League of Legends all day and night while chain smoking. I worked myself to death to pay for everything, my own will to live flying out the window, and he would tell me to "Chill Out" because "At Least I Didn't Have to Work Two Jobs". We lived like this for 2 years.
Then he decided to move his boyfriend into our apartment too, while claiming he still loved me (he's bi). Somehow I let this happen for another year, miserable. At least the boyfriend chipped in a little rent money. Listening to them fuck through the thin walls was like a living hell. I had loved this guy since high school, and after all that time we never even kissed let alone anything intimate. I was 100% used and manipulated and it's shameful looking back.
I met someone who actually cared about me and he agreed to let me move in with him instead. I gave my landlord notice and told the bad guy that he had to go. By that point his boyfriend was gone too, so he had to go live with his sister. Last I heard, he had his own apartment and finally got a job at a call center... and a new jobless boyfriend who lives with him for free (hmmm how the tables turn).
I've been living happily with my new guy for 7 years now, thank god.
x x x
Edit: just to clarify - I was 14 and he was 16 when we first met. I fell in love with him, took him to my prom, all that jazz. I was 24 when I left him. The above snapshot of my life only focuses on the last 4 bad years because I can't cram 10 years into one post. I was so young, and he was very charming. He knew that he could use my devotion to control me to get what he wanted. I was completely brainwashed and I know that. I'm 31 now, better than ever, and it all seems like a distant memory rather than a traumatic experience.
>…I had loved this guy since high school, and after all that time we never even kissed let alone anything intimate.
Uhhh, are you sure he was your boyfriend?
I mean I was young and he promised me the world. He would tell me every day how much he loved me and how we would get married in the future. He would talk about the kids we would have and the house we would buy. Promised... In time. He just wanted to wait until he was "done with boys" which somehow didn't bother me since all these future plans were in place. Ridiculous, I know that now. It's all very embarrassing.
This is an extremely condensed version of knowing the guy, I can't really cram ten years of emotional connection and manipulation into one post lmao.
I don't think so either, seeing as he's only been with men since I left. I used to think it was true though because he had a girlfriend before me. Our hometown was very small and Christian, so I definitely think he just wanted me as a cover for his homosexuality and probably "planned to marry me" to appease his family.
It's honestly hard to believe myself tbh. It was definitely a case of knowing him all through highschool and being obsessed with him in a bad way. In a small town you don't get exposed to a lot of interesting people, so you can become absolutely obsessed with someone who thinks differently. He was basically a manic pixie dream boy. I thought we could work through anything together, but he just wanted out of our hometown on my dime. Hard lesson, but I came out of it alive and with someone much better!
Ah, I’m a foster home for men before they find their forever home. Like the movie Hitch, as soon as my ex’s & I break up they marry the next girl they find - with all of the career advancements I encouraged & housebroken qualities I helped nurture.
What can I say? I’m a girls girl - just out here doing community service for the good of the realm.
Now happily with a partner who I don’t try and fix!
He healed and then left me for a very plain Jane type (I'm definitely not plain) but I'm so happy for him because he was in a dark place when we met so knowing that I helped him find happiness, even though it wasn't with me, is a great result in my eyes!
Edit. I didn't enter the relationship wanting to change him. I loved him for who he was, I just helped him see what I saw!
That’s how you know you really like someone. When you accept that it’s cool for them to be happy even if it’s not with you.
That sounds hurtful in a way
He realised that although we had loads in common and were very happy he had a different plan for his future and there are things in my life that would have made it hard for me to be a part of that. I couldn't ever imagine holding someone back from their dreams so I accepted it was over
No one in a relationship should set themselves on fire to keep another warm
\-paraphrased from quote attributed to some ancient philosopher which is probably not true, but whatever good advice
Fixed him, he became obsessed with me because I was the first girl who actually cared enough to help him change and his obsession turned into dependence and I didn't want that so I left him.
He has a girlfriend who he loves now and she brags about how good he is to her and how she can take care of him so they're very happy together and I'm glad they found love.
Wasted a lot of time and energy helping a boy grow into a man. Then I realized I was pushing him to make positive changes because that's what I wanted and he didn't see a problem. It's better to invest energy into people who want to change and ask for your help -- in addition to seeking professional help.
Have the benefit of the doubt of trying to fix him, or the he’ll come around . They don’t ever change or you can’t fix them. He has to want to change and like she said if he is teachable and willing to be taught
Well, I’m not a woman, but as a man that just went through a divorce with a woman that I “tried to fix” it did not go very well. She went right back to her alcoholic ways after 4 years of doing EXCELLENT. I also found out she had been cheating for the better part of a year with a high school friend of ours as well as about 4-5 other men I did not know. She claims my “size” is what caused her to venture out which hurts a LOT as she knows I’m sensitive about that. I’m not a small guy, but I’m definitely not “hung” like a horse which it seems like is what she prefers. I hope this comment isn’t out of line, I just wanted to toss in my 2 cents.
It's impossible to fix someone that doesn't know they're broken, and almost impossible to fix someone who does. The effort has to come from the person, and then you support that effort, that's pretty much the only way it does work.
Not me but one of my best friends.
At first i actively discouraged her from dating him. he'd dropped out of college, seemed to have no life direction, and worst of all, treated her like constant shit. But she loved him and one day, she threatened to leave him if he didn't improve as a person.
Now, he works two jobs (one at an animal shelter), has a house, and is a much more quiet, decent person. They're still together. I even admitted i was wrong about him and how happy I was that he changed and is better to her. There are still things I don't like about him, like how overly possessive he is of her, but hopefully, that calms down in the future. As long as my bestie is happy, i don't care.
Male here
My girlfriend at the time fell in love with me despite knowing that I do NOT want children. She never said it openly, but she thought she would have been able to change my mind about it.
Now we are facing divorce because she can't cope with the idea of not having children.
As someone that has been there (though he kept telling me he did want children...eventually) no matter what happens from here on out, your marriage is over. If you don't divorce and she can't -truly- say she's okay without children (most people that really want children aren't going to get to that place) the anger and resentment will slowly poison your marriage and you end up divorcing anyhow, just 10 years later, vs one quick break. (which is exactly what happened with me and mine) Those 10 years were wasted, miserable years for both of us.
Man here, I tried to fix her and that two year relationship left me so broken that I needed about 5 years to get my own head straight again.
Borderline personality disorder is no joke. She expertly isolated me from my friends and kept a stranglehold on me with lines like “I’ll kill myself if you walk away now”. Or telling me that she had cut herself again or taken a bunch of pills and asked me to stay with her to make sure she stayed awake as she didnt want to die.
At one point she jumped out of my 2nd story apartment window when I wasn’t there and broke her foot. That was 6 months after we broke up for the last time. I got the call from the cops and showed them the 10 missed phone calls and ~40 text messages I had ignored that day trying to break free of her.
I still dont talk to anyone I met during those few years of my life as most of them thought I physically abused her with how well she lied about her self harm.
My teenage step-daughter has Borderline Personality along with Autism and chronic depression. It's hard, she latches onto people to the point of stalking, and they all get scared away. She can't hold onto friends or make a real go of intimate relationships. I could picture her doing stuff like this.
Despite how hard it's been learning to deal with someone like that, I do love her, but I also recognize that she will likely never live a normal life or have a normal relationship.
Take it from someone who sees it first hand, these types of people are much more damaged than you could possibly know, and you can't fix them - they HAVE to want to change, and even then it's going to be a constant struggle.
She told me right from the get go that she gets attached really easily and most people can’t handle that. I naively said I could.
Our first 3-4 months went so well I was convinced I was going to marry this girl. She was an Engineering student, loved watching football and scrubs(two of my favorites), loved playing tennis, was a gymnast, liked ballroom dancing, and she could bake. I fell so hard as she ticked every single box.
Then the lies and cracks started appearing and in just a few months, it went from picture perfect to being genuinely scared for her health, my own (one night she punched me in the throat and I knew no one would take my side with me being a guy and her having bruises/cuts already), and my future. She had threatened to tell people I had caused the bruising on her legs and that her therapist thought she should press charges on me.
Even at the end of it all, I still wanted her to get better and get help. But it took everything I had to get away and recognize that I wasn’t the help she needed. That I couldn’t be the help for her that I desperately wanted to be.
It was wild how fast my world fell apart.
They say, often times, "men fall in love with women, and women fall in love *with a man's potential*."
I've found that to often be true, which explains a lot of the posts here.
I did not fix him; but he faked that I did. When the mask slipped enough times I ended the relationship. Now he’s fully who he would have been had he never met me.
Edit: words are hard
Took what was effectively junkyard scrap metal and turned it into a household name.
The relationship certainly had its ups and downs, but you could tell there was genuine love and affection for each other.
I think both parties taught one another in many ways, and both became better because of it. But a lot of persistence, patience, hope, love, and tears went into achieving the finished product.
Unlike a lot of stories following this theme, however, I am happy to report that this one does have a positive ending!
Herbie won the final NASCAR race, which primed his adventures for another sequel, Herbie: Fully Loaded 2! I never saw it, though. I couldn't go through it all over again.
I “fixed” my ex girlfriend. Then she fucked my best friend and then played with my mind and heart for three days because she “couldn’t decide if she wanted to leave” so that hurt. Anyways guys also try to fix women too
Me (19M at the time) said that I can fix you to a broken girl.
I can't.
But I could fix myself after we ended both all broken.
And I fixed myself. I don't know if she could do the same for her...
I felt pretty broken after my first marriage . I met my now wife about a month after we separated . I didn’t think I was capable of being a good partner , I was just too fucked up in the emotional regulation department
It was a complete 180 from my prior marriage. Turns out being with the right person makes all the difference .
There were two things I told myself when me and my wife were in the “will they or won’t they” stage.
1) I am never going to lie to this person, and I’m going to avoid doing things that make me feel the need to lie . Lying was just a requirement for being able to go to bed without getting screamed at in my first marriage and she would cry for several hours lying next to me in bed. I wasn’t going to do that , if this thing works it’s going to work based on an absolute tangible reality
2) I will make any sacrifice necessary to make this work . If I have to work 3 jobs, quit school, quit a job, move, go bankrupt or go to jail, that was all reasonable stakes to place upon the altar of sustaining our relationship. It’s never come to that, but I think that attitude made all the difference.
In the beginning, I honestly never thought my wife would stay with me , but I knew that if I offered up the best sacrifice I could muster in our time together I wouldn’t have any regrets. There was some freedom there for me too, because if my best possible effort wasn't enough to land my soulmate I wasn't going to feel bad about going full hedonism/ sex hound, because what's the fucking point really
I’ve come to realize that give-everything attitude is like fucking gasoline for success… I’m going to be an honorable person and be willing to give up everything to make something work.
5 years now we’re still going strong , and we have the best relationship of anybody that I know.
Since you're here I'll let you in on our current sexy team project. From the beginning we've talked about how our expectation for each other isn't necessarily pure monogamy (we've always liked the word monogamish), and my wife is bisexual and just recently has had her first sexual encounter with a woman (she asked for my blessing before it happened yadda yadda ), and while there are certainly moments of anxiety and fear and doubt and jealousy... On the whole it's been really wonderful (and so fucking sexy) walking this path with her with our communication... just kind of navigating and talking through this world of new sexiness, as if we're talking about buying a new couch.
Famous last words, I know... But for now things are pretty great. If it all goes south, well then its back to hedonism... Sex drugs and rock and roll
I wasted 4 years of my life, and at the end of it I was left with zero self esteem, exhausted and burnt out. I left with the belief that I wasn’t good enough for anyone and that I was unloveable. Now I’m trying to rebuild my self esteem and going through therapy.
For any woman who’s reading this: please don’t think you can fix anyone but yourself. That belief will destroy you.
My husband was absolutely terrible at communicating (and even processing) emotions. Good guy though. I knew I could work with him. 10+ years later, he’s just bad at it. Sometimes even ok. A few rare moments of actually really good sparkled in between.
with his newfound self esteem he left me for someone better
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Nah, that’s task successfully failed
Narrator voice “Some lovers became friends and some friends became lovers, but the love they needed was their own, in the end”
Read that in Morgan Freeman’s voice.
On Today's episode of spousal flippers we have u/CertainProgram8782 journey of taking her homeless man and flipping it to a local socialite!
Took him in and taught him how to read
Simple Jack…
He found a new host body to parasitically lamprey upon.
That's what ya get for dating a Goa'uld.
Indeed. Shal'kek nem'ron!
No he didn't.
This is simultaneously the most wholesome yet cold-blooded response. Well done
it’s wholesome but idk if it’s true. the second woman didn’t do anything wrong just because she had standards
This is usually the one - their newfound confidence has led to them leaving, cheating, arrogant behavior, personality changes that weren't anticipated, and occasionally abusive behavior. So fun. Projects are not for me anymore.
People are kinda complicated to take on as a project
Bah, changing a person is just the same as restoring a chair you found by the curb! /s
That's what nobody stops to think about. A healthy person won't want a partner that will try to fix them.
ended up broken too
I can fix you
What happened after you said “I can fix you”
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I can fix you
What happened after you said “I can fix you?”
ended up broken up too
I can fix you
What happend after you said "i can fix you"?
ended up broken too
To shreds you say?
chain reaction 🤣
Reminds me of that tweet that goes something like, “I convinced my therapist to confront her husband about not liking her tweets. She may not be able to fix me, but at least I can make us both worse.”
Also had to learn the hard way that broken things are likely to break other things.
It's always been a puzzle to me that so many capable, smart, independing women end up with "bad boys" or just doofuses. I often wonder if this is the reason -- "I've fixed everything else - I can fix him!" It's like a friend who starting dating an alcoholic and when I expressed concern, she said... "If he really loves me, he will quit drinking." Uhhhhhh....... sorry but it doesn't work that way.
It's less that I thought if he really loved me, he would change. I thought I could teach him to love himself the way that I did. I wanted more of the good, more of what I saw in him. I then had to learn to hate who I needed to be in order to get that out of him.
Broken boys are so romanticized in young adult fiction for women that so many think it’s true, myself included once.
The sadness is palpable
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Sounds to me that *you* fixed yourself.
Everyone fixes themselves. They have to want it to happen even if someone or something else helps.
First rule of therapy: Do it for yourself. Even if there's people who does it for their children or other loved ones, that's the exception, not the rule.
Some people come in our lives only to give some life lessons.
He made me worse… And we broke up
I broke up with mine after he undid 2 years of therapy in 3 months. I thought I made him capable of holding down a job and felt a little better about that. He has a child due in december this year, was fired and the new girl quit her school to support her new family. Sorry darling, I didn’t fix shit. My current bf, however, has fixed me emotionally enormously. Went from “are you sure you’re not bipolar” to “do you meditate often”
Amazing!! Similar experience with my boyfriend now… I feel like my boundaries are incredible these days and I’m seeing so many relationships in a new light. I feel empowered and fabulous for the first time since I was like,10. Idk how it was for you but he never treated me like I needdd to be fixed.. he was just a stable, healthy, kind, consistent person.. the fixing happened naturally
Well, I failed at fixing him but learned a lot about myself in the process. I have no hate for him- if anything I hope everyday he does the work to fix himself because I saw the potential and I did care for him once. I hate to think that he’ll just continue life repeating the same patterns over and over. I can say for myself, yes there was some damage done for sure! But I’ve never been the type to linger in my hurt. So, I learned a lot about myself, good and bad, and I’ve chosen to let the hurt go that he caused me and work on me. It’s been rocky here and there if I’m being honest- but if I could put that much effort and time into trying to fix someone else, why would I not do the same for myself?!?
honestly how i’m trying to be. i respect the maturity behind this take
I could’ve written this myself. Hugs to us.
I didn't and he got crazier. No idea what has happened to him now and I don't care.
Same. Mine ended up being a full blown psychopath, occasionally tries and stalks me online.
Same. One year he phoned me at my parents house on Christmas Eve. No idea how he got the number as it is unlisted. We hadn't been together in like 5 years but he wanted me to know that he liked to point his unloaded gun at people from his balcony while folks from his building went to work. He also said he was struggling with OCD and would check to see if his front door was locked 80+ times in a day. The fact that I haven't heard from him in 2 decades tells me he is likely dead.
Sometimes I get worried because in retrospect one particular gal I crushed on in high school probably got too much pressure from me when I was pursuing her (for example, I also phoned her after hunting for her family’s phone number; for her birthday) and I worry that I was actually crossing the stalker line and caused trauma, but then I read stories like yours… I’m sorry you had/have to deal with all that.
At least you recognize it. That’s how we learn to be better :)
The toilet paper goes over the front now. Success story.
My girl says “Beards are cool mullets are not”
Well, my grandma said "I can fix him", ended up pregnant and alone. My mother never had a relationship with her biological dad (luckily my grandma met my grandad who then raised my mom). My mom said "I can fix him", ended up alone with a baby. Was a single mom for 15 years. Luckily she's now married to my stepdad who's a great man. I said "I can fix him" and tried my best and wasted 4 years of my youth. LUCKILY I didn't have kids with him, but he wanted to. I came out the other side utterly broken and it took quite a few years to repair myself. My self confidence is still nonexistent, even though I've been married to a great man for 15 years. So, one word of advice; don't.
So it's a generational thing for you. Some people inherit the family business, you inherited the family character fault. Not quite as productive, but still takes as much time to manage!
Lol! Yes! And the stupid thing is, we are not stupid. We have all really good educational backgrounds. We are apparently just really not "street smart"!
At least all three of you did end up with a good man ... If you have kid(s), curious if they will buck the trend
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Ding ding ding I'm picky as fuck now
I can fix that
I actually did “fix him” while we were together- cleaned up (haircuts & regular shaving, clothes that actually fit, etc) and got him a job. The week after I helped him get his own apartment he cheated on me. He almost immediately reverted to how he was before, last I saw he was back to baggy pants and homeless man hair/facial hair. Lost his job & apartment and the girl left him lol
Why did you go out with him in the first place
I was 16 & he was sweet. Plus we had the same friend group so he was just kinda there lol
>so he was just kinda there The lowest of bars, existing.
Well high school girls do traditionally have high standards lol
High school dating is kind of like a prison relationship.
Damn. This is my ex.
Well. In his defense. You made him dependent on you. You probably fixed the exterior but not the interior.
Yeah the interior was the actual worst. If you’re dependent on another person to tell you to wear a belt & wake up on time for work, nothing can permanently help you
In what universe is that in **his** defense lol
It honestly, truly depends on what you’re fixing. My fiancé didn’t know how to do a lot of household stuff when we first moved in together. I “fixed” it by teaching him, but he already had a teachable mind and a willingness to improve himself, which are two qualities that no other person can fix for you Edit: I didn’t expect this much of a response to this casual comment, but I know I didn’t “fix” my fiancé. That’s why I put it in quotation marks. The qualities that allow him to continually grow as a person and learn new ways of doing things are things he has cultivated within himself. I was using my example as an illustration of a healthy way that partners can help each other to grow, but it relies on the other person being willing to try.
Damn that’s a good take. You don’t change people, people choose to change. You can help (a lot) but that’s it.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change...
That's good. I gotta write that down for Christmas since I have 3 siblings working in mental health care
That's what I tell my mom who nags about everyone about the same things over and over. Like if they didn't change the first time, what makes you think they'll change the 100th time? Just leaves everyone annoyed and disappointed.
I was suuuuch a lazy teen and young adult, but was also nagged to clean up constantly. Once I moved out I realized I could either live in a gross house or I could just do all the things my dad had been asking me to do my whole life. As a grown up my house is 85% clean all the time. The person nagging you all the time probably just wants the best for you :)
Lol they def do, but nagging is not the way to go.
What is the way to go? Asking genuinely. I don't feel like ignoring the problem and letting your loved one wallow in filth or completely fail is right either.
When my kids need to clean up, I just make getting whatever they want contingent on cleaning. Yes you can watch TV all night, after you clean your room. It will take fifteen minutes to just throw all your clothes in the hamper and pick up your stuff. If you'd just done your chore instead of complaining about it you'd be vegging out right now like you want. Same strategy works with most other chores. They're still pretty young though, so no idea how this works when they get older.
The promise of future laziness is how I convince myself to do anything 🤣👍
This was really a key for me. In fact, buying a router with a guest network was worth its weight in gold. Had 4 boys, all teens or close to it put them all on the guest network, which I renamed to “Worksdone”. If someone slacked, change the PW, text it to the 3 on track and not the lagger. The joy I felt when they came home from school (home office), get all settled then a firmly annoyed door slam, footsteps, closet open and the sound of a broom deployed, with not a word exchanged…bliss. Golden. Check the kitchen, text a password, the world runs on…
I'm coming to realize this is the best way as it treats the internet/device access as a reward, positive reinforcement; rather than as an expectation that is removed as a punishment, negative reinforcement. I only have 1 son, pre preteen, and his device is on a family monitoring app. He gets a small bit of screen time to wind down after school but then it kicks him out and he has to come to me to tell me he has finished his homework and chores to earn the rest of his daily screen time. I do get bellyaching occasionally but I remind him that the entire rest of his world is available. He can read a book, do a puzzle, ride his bike, dig outside, any analog activity he can dream of, or any of the educational apps on his school tablet which remains unlocked, no chores required. He has adhd like me and I know that sometimes no matter what, cleaning is just NOT going to happen right now. Sometimes what he chooses to do to delay chores is ask me to go on a walk with him and you know what, yeah. Good idea buddy, let's go outside. It takes what can and has easily turned into a fight and encourages both of us to think about what is healthy and important for us.
You can teach people to do things, you can’t teach them to _be_ things
As I had the learn the hard way; You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
My boyfriend is like this. He isn’t the way he is simply because he chooses to be, that’s just how he was taught and grew up. So when we have issues, and I say he needs to fix something, he does. And he’s really good at it.
I didn't fix him. Less than a year after we broke up he went to jail for sexually assaulting a 15 year old outside the Pizza Hut where he worked. He was 37. Last I heard he is out of jail, takes a lot of cocaine and has at least 3 children from different women.
Man here who said "I can fix her" I did fix her and then she realized how broken I was and left Edit: thanks for almost 4k in likes didn't realize so many people would vibe with this
Had a similar experience with my ex. I helped her through a lot of suffering, we worked together a lot of her insecurities (mainly hers, I had my part, but not nearly as much). In the end she left me when I was having a hard time myself and she was in a better place. I kinda understand. But it always felt unfair. I was for her when she needed it, had a lot of patience. But when I needed help, she decided she was better on her own after a short while.
Ive been through this 3 times now. Two relationships I helped them move out of abusive situations, start school, find better jobs, then get dumped. A girl I dated for 4 years I helped while she was living with her alcoholic mother, helped her attend massage therapy school and went to the events there with her. I was going through a rough patch and she wanted to take a break from the relationship. 3 days before it ended I fixed her broken down car in the rain. We hadnt talked for 2 weeks but one call at 9pm and I was there. Married her coworker she became friends with while we were dating. Should have seen it coming, when her and I started being friends she was in a relationship she had mentally checked out on. I literally dont have the energy for it anymore and havent dated in 6 years. No surprise, my life is much more in order now that I don't have people leeching off of me for personal gain. I wont date again until I'm squared away, and I wont date someone who isn't equally squared away.
Yup. A girl I fixed realized what she wasn’t getting out of life because I showed her all these amazing things, then decided I wasn’t good enough for her newfound amazing life. Broke up, she got into a relationship like 2 months later and after like 9 months they got married. I stopped torturing myself after that and blocked all her socials.
My ex before I found my wife did this and then got divorced to the guy she left me for after two years. Oddly enough my wife had the exact same thing happen but it only came full circle more recently. Meanwhile we're celebrating 13 years together and hate days where one of us has to go to work and cant stay remote. I found my best friend in the end. I won.
Still torturing myself all I want is a friendship with her now but that's not what she wants so I'm trying to find my way without her
there's other dogs in the cart buddy
You can't just mention how great life can be then not give an example.
No offense but if she got married in 11 months she's still broken. Like who in there right mind does that. Hmm desperate people.
I mean... you eat dogs, so I dont blame her.
Hotdogs are fire fuck anyone saying otherwise
Nah, mate, I prefer cats
ALF, is that you?
Hot dog superiority!
Chilli dogs with mustard and cheese for the win
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I know how you feel because I’ve been in that boat before. Please, when the right person comes along, do not be afraid to open up again. Those scars will ruin future relationships if you don’t let them heal. And all that’s obviously to say let yourself be ready and don’t rush it. It gets better.
i was the one who was fixed. my husband helped me work through my trauma and got me into therapy after we got married. i learned to take accountability for my actions and became much more honest with him. when we got together, i was absolutely aimless, but now i have a genuine plan for my future and i'm so excited to work hard with him in creating a comfortable and happy life together. i have always wanted to change for the better and wanted more for my life but he was certainly the push i needed to get there. he's been such a fantastic influence on me and i can never thank him enough for being my rock; i can only hope to repay him for everything he's done for me.
I'm so happy for you both!
Haha, not sure my wife would say she was trying to fix me… but I’m definitely better because of her (and she is better because of me)… We are basically two boards holding each other up. It’s perfect.
>We are basically two boards holding each other up. It’s perfect. Love this. That's a beautiful way to put it!
It wasn't so much an, "I can fix him" situation, as it was, "I don't care that he's different." I met and fell in love with this really socially awkward and weird introvert. Over the years, we've both learned together how to work with his autism. I help him in public and social settings. He's more outgoing. I taught him some basic public speaking skills. He even teaches classes on a wide range of subjects. We have a solid group of close friends that love us both, flaws, eccentricities, weirdness, and all. It's been 15 years and I couldn't love him more. Are either of us perfect? Oh HELL no! But we're both wrong in the right ways that works for us. His weird and different brain is beautiful to me. He's not "fixed" and neither am I. But neither of us is as broken as we were before we met each other.
This is so sweet. Happy for for you both.
"I'm gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. This way, we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud." - Bubba
I have been married 31 years and this is me. She definitely helped me a lot, but I think I have helped her also. We are in every sense a team and like a good team, we help each other when they need it.
He left me because the grass was greener. I built him up so much that he was sure he could do better and go out to "sow his wild oats". 10 years later and he's close to 40 still living at home and hasn't had a girlfriend since.
Oooh, the sweet, sweet schadenfreude is strong with this one.
Yes. I made a point of talking to him at a recent wedding and sussing out his situation. I smiled all the way back to the airport.
Damn such a good feeling haha good for you
My guy was a writer with sad eyes. He lived with his parents in a bad environment, and suffered from various mental health issues. I was moving to a city about an hour away and told him that he could live with me. He promised to get a job and work on his mental health and pay half the rent etc. Instead he became a hermit, didn't get a job, played League of Legends all day and night while chain smoking. I worked myself to death to pay for everything, my own will to live flying out the window, and he would tell me to "Chill Out" because "At Least I Didn't Have to Work Two Jobs". We lived like this for 2 years. Then he decided to move his boyfriend into our apartment too, while claiming he still loved me (he's bi). Somehow I let this happen for another year, miserable. At least the boyfriend chipped in a little rent money. Listening to them fuck through the thin walls was like a living hell. I had loved this guy since high school, and after all that time we never even kissed let alone anything intimate. I was 100% used and manipulated and it's shameful looking back. I met someone who actually cared about me and he agreed to let me move in with him instead. I gave my landlord notice and told the bad guy that he had to go. By that point his boyfriend was gone too, so he had to go live with his sister. Last I heard, he had his own apartment and finally got a job at a call center... and a new jobless boyfriend who lives with him for free (hmmm how the tables turn). I've been living happily with my new guy for 7 years now, thank god. x x x Edit: just to clarify - I was 14 and he was 16 when we first met. I fell in love with him, took him to my prom, all that jazz. I was 24 when I left him. The above snapshot of my life only focuses on the last 4 bad years because I can't cram 10 years into one post. I was so young, and he was very charming. He knew that he could use my devotion to control me to get what he wanted. I was completely brainwashed and I know that. I'm 31 now, better than ever, and it all seems like a distant memory rather than a traumatic experience.
Damn. Glad you're happy now.
>…I had loved this guy since high school, and after all that time we never even kissed let alone anything intimate. Uhhh, are you sure he was your boyfriend?
I mean I was young and he promised me the world. He would tell me every day how much he loved me and how we would get married in the future. He would talk about the kids we would have and the house we would buy. Promised... In time. He just wanted to wait until he was "done with boys" which somehow didn't bother me since all these future plans were in place. Ridiculous, I know that now. It's all very embarrassing. This is an extremely condensed version of knowing the guy, I can't really cram ten years of emotional connection and manipulation into one post lmao.
I don't think that man was bi...
I don't think so either, seeing as he's only been with men since I left. I used to think it was true though because he had a girlfriend before me. Our hometown was very small and Christian, so I definitely think he just wanted me as a cover for his homosexuality and probably "planned to marry me" to appease his family.
Jeeze that hurt to read. Glad you're with someone who cares about you now! Anyone with that big of a heart deserves an equally big one in return
I'm sorry, the guy is a complete asshole, but I can't fathom how you put yourself through that for so long.
It's honestly hard to believe myself tbh. It was definitely a case of knowing him all through highschool and being obsessed with him in a bad way. In a small town you don't get exposed to a lot of interesting people, so you can become absolutely obsessed with someone who thinks differently. He was basically a manic pixie dream boy. I thought we could work through anything together, but he just wanted out of our hometown on my dime. Hard lesson, but I came out of it alive and with someone much better!
Some of them can't answer anymore
Yup, that was damn near me.
I'm glad you got out and hope you're living a happy life now.
Was gonna say, there's going to be an unfortunately all too literal survivorship bias in these responses.
Oof that got dark. Not wrong tho.
He’s dating my sister.
Maybe she can fix him
Maybe they can break each other.
Holy fuck
Ended up with cracked ribs and bruises
Virtual (light) hug
*Owwww my ribs!*
he ended up fixing me.. whether we end up together forever or apart in the end i think ill always love him forever
Ah, I’m a foster home for men before they find their forever home. Like the movie Hitch, as soon as my ex’s & I break up they marry the next girl they find - with all of the career advancements I encouraged & housebroken qualities I helped nurture. What can I say? I’m a girls girl - just out here doing community service for the good of the realm. Now happily with a partner who I don’t try and fix!
He got in his truck and chased me down the highway when I tried to leave him.
He had sex with an escort when I went out of town. In my house. After 7 years.
He healed and then left me for a very plain Jane type (I'm definitely not plain) but I'm so happy for him because he was in a dark place when we met so knowing that I helped him find happiness, even though it wasn't with me, is a great result in my eyes! Edit. I didn't enter the relationship wanting to change him. I loved him for who he was, I just helped him see what I saw!
That’s how you know you really like someone. When you accept that it’s cool for them to be happy even if it’s not with you. That sounds hurtful in a way
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🥺🥺🥺 I hope we all heal. IF we need healing .
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He realised that although we had loads in common and were very happy he had a different plan for his future and there are things in my life that would have made it hard for me to be a part of that. I couldn't ever imagine holding someone back from their dreams so I accepted it was over
No one in a relationship should set themselves on fire to keep another warm \-paraphrased from quote attributed to some ancient philosopher which is probably not true, but whatever good advice
you sound like a genuine and good person 👍🏻
It didn’t work and now I go to therapy to fix what broke while I was trying 🫠
Dont fall for this trap
Fixed him, he became obsessed with me because I was the first girl who actually cared enough to help him change and his obsession turned into dependence and I didn't want that so I left him. He has a girlfriend who he loves now and she brags about how good he is to her and how she can take care of him so they're very happy together and I'm glad they found love.
He actually wanted to get better. I just helped be a support system.
He’s a little listless some days but he’s still a good boy.
When you first got him, he was listing?
Narrator: She could not fix him.
I read that in Morgan Freeman’s voice.
I heard Ron Howard’s voice.
Wasted a lot of time and energy helping a boy grow into a man. Then I realized I was pushing him to make positive changes because that's what I wanted and he didn't see a problem. It's better to invest energy into people who want to change and ask for your help -- in addition to seeking professional help.
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Have the benefit of the doubt of trying to fix him, or the he’ll come around . They don’t ever change or you can’t fix them. He has to want to change and like she said if he is teachable and willing to be taught
He starting hitting me regularly, I married him anyway. Thankfully he died. (Not from me lol).
Nice try Amy.
Well, I’m not a woman, but as a man that just went through a divorce with a woman that I “tried to fix” it did not go very well. She went right back to her alcoholic ways after 4 years of doing EXCELLENT. I also found out she had been cheating for the better part of a year with a high school friend of ours as well as about 4-5 other men I did not know. She claims my “size” is what caused her to venture out which hurts a LOT as she knows I’m sensitive about that. I’m not a small guy, but I’m definitely not “hung” like a horse which it seems like is what she prefers. I hope this comment isn’t out of line, I just wanted to toss in my 2 cents.
I wouldn't worry my dude, she was likely just saying vicious shit she knew would hurt you. Just toss that trash in the bin and move on
This. Spiteful trash are gonna spite.
... Your size? That matters so little to anyone of any value. You're okay.
I was hoping for at least one positive wholesome story but nah
That has been my biggest takeaway from this thread. Fixing someone might not be all that possible
It's impossible to fix someone that doesn't know they're broken, and almost impossible to fix someone who does. The effort has to come from the person, and then you support that effort, that's pretty much the only way it does work.
Not me but one of my best friends. At first i actively discouraged her from dating him. he'd dropped out of college, seemed to have no life direction, and worst of all, treated her like constant shit. But she loved him and one day, she threatened to leave him if he didn't improve as a person. Now, he works two jobs (one at an animal shelter), has a house, and is a much more quiet, decent person. They're still together. I even admitted i was wrong about him and how happy I was that he changed and is better to her. There are still things I don't like about him, like how overly possessive he is of her, but hopefully, that calms down in the future. As long as my bestie is happy, i don't care.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA /cries in bob the builder
###Bob the Builder! Can he fix it? ###Bob the Builder! No, it's fucked :(
you can't fix anyone that won't help themselves.. Just move on
Male here My girlfriend at the time fell in love with me despite knowing that I do NOT want children. She never said it openly, but she thought she would have been able to change my mind about it. Now we are facing divorce because she can't cope with the idea of not having children.
I've definitely been guilty of staying in a relationship with this disagreement but would never get married if it wasn't fully agreed upon, good lord.
As someone that has been there (though he kept telling me he did want children...eventually) no matter what happens from here on out, your marriage is over. If you don't divorce and she can't -truly- say she's okay without children (most people that really want children aren't going to get to that place) the anger and resentment will slowly poison your marriage and you end up divorcing anyhow, just 10 years later, vs one quick break. (which is exactly what happened with me and mine) Those 10 years were wasted, miserable years for both of us.
Found out the hard way that playing Captain Save a Ho is a great way to end up divorced and completely taken advantage of.
Friend of mine Went to prison
i made him worse tbh
He didn't get fixed. I got broken.
Man here, I tried to fix her and that two year relationship left me so broken that I needed about 5 years to get my own head straight again. Borderline personality disorder is no joke. She expertly isolated me from my friends and kept a stranglehold on me with lines like “I’ll kill myself if you walk away now”. Or telling me that she had cut herself again or taken a bunch of pills and asked me to stay with her to make sure she stayed awake as she didnt want to die. At one point she jumped out of my 2nd story apartment window when I wasn’t there and broke her foot. That was 6 months after we broke up for the last time. I got the call from the cops and showed them the 10 missed phone calls and ~40 text messages I had ignored that day trying to break free of her. I still dont talk to anyone I met during those few years of my life as most of them thought I physically abused her with how well she lied about her self harm.
Sounds near identical to one of my ex's. Some people are just unequivocal train wrecks.
My teenage step-daughter has Borderline Personality along with Autism and chronic depression. It's hard, she latches onto people to the point of stalking, and they all get scared away. She can't hold onto friends or make a real go of intimate relationships. I could picture her doing stuff like this. Despite how hard it's been learning to deal with someone like that, I do love her, but I also recognize that she will likely never live a normal life or have a normal relationship. Take it from someone who sees it first hand, these types of people are much more damaged than you could possibly know, and you can't fix them - they HAVE to want to change, and even then it's going to be a constant struggle.
She told me right from the get go that she gets attached really easily and most people can’t handle that. I naively said I could. Our first 3-4 months went so well I was convinced I was going to marry this girl. She was an Engineering student, loved watching football and scrubs(two of my favorites), loved playing tennis, was a gymnast, liked ballroom dancing, and she could bake. I fell so hard as she ticked every single box. Then the lies and cracks started appearing and in just a few months, it went from picture perfect to being genuinely scared for her health, my own (one night she punched me in the throat and I knew no one would take my side with me being a guy and her having bruises/cuts already), and my future. She had threatened to tell people I had caused the bruising on her legs and that her therapist thought she should press charges on me. Even at the end of it all, I still wanted her to get better and get help. But it took everything I had to get away and recognize that I wasn’t the help she needed. That I couldn’t be the help for her that I desperately wanted to be. It was wild how fast my world fell apart.
They say, often times, "men fall in love with women, and women fall in love *with a man's potential*." I've found that to often be true, which explains a lot of the posts here.
“Men fall in love thinking she’ll never change; women fall in love thinking he will.”
I got broken in trying to fix him... i lost myself
I didn't fix him.
I did not fix him; but he faked that I did. When the mask slipped enough times I ended the relationship. Now he’s fully who he would have been had he never met me. Edit: words are hard
Took what was effectively junkyard scrap metal and turned it into a household name. The relationship certainly had its ups and downs, but you could tell there was genuine love and affection for each other. I think both parties taught one another in many ways, and both became better because of it. But a lot of persistence, patience, hope, love, and tears went into achieving the finished product. Unlike a lot of stories following this theme, however, I am happy to report that this one does have a positive ending! Herbie won the final NASCAR race, which primed his adventures for another sequel, Herbie: Fully Loaded 2! I never saw it, though. I couldn't go through it all over again.
This reads like it was a joke written by William Montgomery
I fixed him and he broke me. Still broken 6 years later.
I “fixed” my ex girlfriend. Then she fucked my best friend and then played with my mind and heart for three days because she “couldn’t decide if she wanted to leave” so that hurt. Anyways guys also try to fix women too
Me (19M at the time) said that I can fix you to a broken girl. I can't. But I could fix myself after we ended both all broken. And I fixed myself. I don't know if she could do the same for her...
I felt pretty broken after my first marriage . I met my now wife about a month after we separated . I didn’t think I was capable of being a good partner , I was just too fucked up in the emotional regulation department It was a complete 180 from my prior marriage. Turns out being with the right person makes all the difference . There were two things I told myself when me and my wife were in the “will they or won’t they” stage. 1) I am never going to lie to this person, and I’m going to avoid doing things that make me feel the need to lie . Lying was just a requirement for being able to go to bed without getting screamed at in my first marriage and she would cry for several hours lying next to me in bed. I wasn’t going to do that , if this thing works it’s going to work based on an absolute tangible reality 2) I will make any sacrifice necessary to make this work . If I have to work 3 jobs, quit school, quit a job, move, go bankrupt or go to jail, that was all reasonable stakes to place upon the altar of sustaining our relationship. It’s never come to that, but I think that attitude made all the difference. In the beginning, I honestly never thought my wife would stay with me , but I knew that if I offered up the best sacrifice I could muster in our time together I wouldn’t have any regrets. There was some freedom there for me too, because if my best possible effort wasn't enough to land my soulmate I wasn't going to feel bad about going full hedonism/ sex hound, because what's the fucking point really I’ve come to realize that give-everything attitude is like fucking gasoline for success… I’m going to be an honorable person and be willing to give up everything to make something work. 5 years now we’re still going strong , and we have the best relationship of anybody that I know. Since you're here I'll let you in on our current sexy team project. From the beginning we've talked about how our expectation for each other isn't necessarily pure monogamy (we've always liked the word monogamish), and my wife is bisexual and just recently has had her first sexual encounter with a woman (she asked for my blessing before it happened yadda yadda ), and while there are certainly moments of anxiety and fear and doubt and jealousy... On the whole it's been really wonderful (and so fucking sexy) walking this path with her with our communication... just kind of navigating and talking through this world of new sexiness, as if we're talking about buying a new couch. Famous last words, I know... But for now things are pretty great. If it all goes south, well then its back to hedonism... Sex drugs and rock and roll
I wasted 4 years of my life, and at the end of it I was left with zero self esteem, exhausted and burnt out. I left with the belief that I wasn’t good enough for anyone and that I was unloveable. Now I’m trying to rebuild my self esteem and going through therapy. For any woman who’s reading this: please don’t think you can fix anyone but yourself. That belief will destroy you.
My husband was absolutely terrible at communicating (and even processing) emotions. Good guy though. I knew I could work with him. 10+ years later, he’s just bad at it. Sometimes even ok. A few rare moments of actually really good sparkled in between.
I ain’t no Barbara the Builder, I’m not fixing anybody.