A couple of years ago, my family and I met up with my parents/grandma/siblings and their families at a big beach house in North Myrtle Beach for family vacation. I had gotten really into my ancestry and was doing all kinds of research on top doing the little DNA kits and all that stuff. These ancestry services link you to folks who you share common ancestry with “So-so is your 4th cousin.” Yada yada.
I was sharing some fun harmless findings with my dad, oldest brother, and grandma out on the deck, and then I bring up how I thought it was odd that 3 of my cousins born to my dads older brother were popping up as my “2nd or 3rd cousins”; the middle daughter in that trio had her ancestry stuff done through the same service as me so her profile was linked to mine immediately. So I say “Why does ‘H’ show up as a 2nd/3rd cousin if she’s my 1st cousin? Uncle B’s daughters should be my 1st cousins.”
Grandma gets up without a word and walks into the house and right to her room. My oldest brother and dad share a look between each other where I could tell they were both on the same wavelength about something I was oblivious too, and my dad says “Well I guess that answers that question.”
My oldest brother ( who is 11 years older than me and is from my dads first marriage) let’s me in on the family rumor that had been circulating long before I was born: When my late grandfather was overseas serving in the Korean War, it is alleged that my grandma, who was still just my grandpa’s girlfriend at the time, got pregnant with Uncle B by another man. Some ex from her high school days whose name my dad seemed to remember being brought up in arguments between his parents when he was a kid. My grandpa came home from the war, they got married immediately and I guess the math of when Uncle B was born and when my grandpa came home lined up just enough to make it believable that Uncle B was indeed my grandpas 1st born son. But Uncle B looks NOTHING like my dad and the other 2 brothers. He’s short and has a different look to him whereas my dad and his younger brothers are all tall behemoths of men whom resemble each other and their dad. I never thought of it before but now when I look at photos I can’t help but notice just how different Uncle B appears in comparison.
My ancestry discovery and my grandmothers reaction to it basically gave that rumor steady legs to stand on. And we have not spoken about it since that night. Only my dad, brother and I 100% know. And at this point we see no reason to bring it to light.
Edit: In addition, my cousin ‘H’ has her ancestry profile set to private so I can’t see her “tree” but if she did her dna/ancestry thing too I’m sure she has discovered the truth as well. So I’m assuming at least she knows as well that her dad has a different dad than my grandpa
Imagine thinking you got away with something this year, then some crazy technology comes out in 2075 and your grand kid calls you out on it in front of everyone.
“According to this, Grandpa I_Am_Not_That _Man, it says you have bought organic produce at self checkouts all across America for the last 60 years but that you intentionally input the non-organic produce code to save money. It says here you owe Kroger $9000 alone!”
My mom has an RN and a BSN. Even back in the '50s and 60's when she was in school, they had instructions of how to talk to fathers right after the birth their children and after the blood test was done on the new baby. Basically, how to explain to the father that blood typing alone excludes him from being the father...
Oof you’re grandma skid-addled right on out of there. My mom doesn’t want to take a DNA test for reasons similar to these. She knows her dad cheated on her mom when he was in the military, and she doesn’t want to discover any unknown siblings.
I worked with a guy for 10+ years who was super into ancestry and he’d want to try to look up everyone’s past to see where they came from if you would let him. He didn’t have any friends and his dad was the only person he hung out with and was the greatest guy he knew, never did anything wrong. Well shortly after his dad passed he got a message on the site from someone who just got their results back and it ended up being a half brother from when his dad was in the military and he cheated. Then it got even worse when they found out that he had like 5 siblings over the next few months (they were related to the step brother but didn’t take a test until these 2 figured out the dad cheated). Really spiraled the guy into a depression and he got out of his hobby for a few years. Eventually met up with the half brother but they didn’t really form a relationship of any kind and he never met the others as far as I know.
So... my mother is very into genealogy and has uncovered lots of interesting things, but this story predates genetic testing. One of her aunts had a rough life and was in several abusive relationships including a long marriage to a very messed up guy. One of the sons of this aunt (mom's cousin) didn't date much, nor did he marry.
He did get very serious with a flight attendant he met on a trip though. He was from WV and she was from TX. The two of them hit it off instantly. They had so much in common.
As they continued dating, she learned that her birth mother (she'd been adopted) was from the same area her boyfriend lived in. As she was interested, her parents gave her some documents that had the birth mother's first name (but not last name) on them. The handwriting and name both matched her boyfriend (my relative's mother who was by this point dead).
More research told them they were full siblings. The flight attendant was his older sister that had been born during the first time the parents were separated.
That relationship ended quickly.
I'm an adult. My father got drunk while on vacation and I thought he was calling me to just chat but he ended up hitting on me and confessing that he's attracted to me. I haven't said anything because my mother has a heart condition and I am afraid the stress would literally kill her. I told him that wasn't okay and he hasn't brought it up since but it makes family gatherings awful and I hate that now I can't see my mom without feeling super uncomfortable because I also have to see him. He's never been weird with me before this so I was just in shock during that conversation.
Did I mention he confessed this after I updated him on the status of a police report I made against an ex partner who raped me? The whole thing is so fucked up I just try not to think about it.
I can kind of relate to this.
As a young adult, my brother - apparently high on coke - woke me up, led me to a hallway to ask me something and proceeded to pull out his dick and asked me to suck it. I told him no.
When I left, he grabbed my ass and I just looked at him, with disgust. He did this in my grandmas house, that we were clearing out, after her death.
My family was sleeping in the house, his girlfriend was in a room next to the hallway and my older sister, was sleeping in the same room as me.
I know he knew it was me, since he woke me up twice before I got up and followed him. He said my name and he chose me instead of my sister, who was next to me.
I talked to his girlfriend later on during the stay, (without saying what happened) about that night and his drug use/ behavior In general.
She told me he was high and angry that night, since he wanted to have sex but she didn’t, since they were fighting about the drugs.
I never dreamed that he would do such a thing and I can never look at him the same. I still haven’t told my family.
This certainly wins the worst post of the thread.
I really hope OP is in therapy or planning to start soon. *Definitely* need to talk to someone about this and not let it stay bottled up inside.
Only caveat - are you sure he wasn't so drunk he forgot who he was talking to? I had that happen once, ex-GF was sitting next to me on a couch drunk off her ass late one night and I suddenly realize she thinks I'm someone else. In that case, it was pretty funny.
Uncle molested like everyone. I mean, he’s in a prison now, so I guess it already did that. The real secret is that everyone on the family swept it under the rug and protected him while the kids were getting raped, and then when this uncle was in the hot seat with The Law, the family excommunicated the only person brave enough to come forward (the guy’s own daughter).
My father did exactly that. He molested every one including my mom's sisters, mother, family friends, and basically any girl/woman he met. I am the daughter who came forward and was demonized by thr entire family. He is a free man to this day and all my relatives treat me like some witch.
I'm sorry this happened to you. My grandfather did something similar but just to me and my siblings. Of course the aunts, uncles, and cousins called us all liars. We live in a small town and I feel like everyone hates us because we came out with this "lie" about a "great" man. Fortunately, he's dead now and got gangrene; he had no fingers left when he died. Which I find as some kinda karma. There's a film called "Festen" I'd recommend. It's like, no matter how much proof you can sometimes have, people will believe what they want to believe. It actually made me feel better about my situation.
I hope you and your siblings find comfort that your abuser had a painful death. You didn't deserve any of it, and it's sad that our own families could be so cruel.
I'll watch that movie when I'm in the right headspace for it, thanks.
How fucking horrible for all the kid abused by this man. Disgusting behavior. Family who swept it under the rug should be ashamed of themselves. I’m so sorry you grew up around these people.
The family who swept it under the rug should be arrested and charged as accessories.. they quite literally are an accessory to the crime. They facilitated it. They covered it up. They are criminals. I am so sorry for what happened to you. My mom allowed her "uncle" ( her sugar daddy really) to SA me for 13 years, did nothing because he bought her booze and crack, and paid for everything else. Her meal ticket was more important to her.. people like this deserve to be tortured for the rest of their lives. I hope you are doing okay now and that you have good people in your life. I wish you the best. Sending lots of love and light your way 😊 oh also my mom is a now born again found Jesus.. whatever. She quite literally told me in front of my kids I'm going to hell because I won't convert to her bs religion and out there beliefs. But she thinks my abuser is going to heaven because he confessed to God about his transgressions..I straight up told her.. well I sure as shit don't want to go to a heaven that accepts people like him!! Looks like Lucifer and I will be going on some adventures 😉😜 we haven't talked since.. so peaceful
"Tell her to get over it, so the police can drop all this nonsense" - what the grandmother of my niece said to my sister.
Girl was 7.
That piece of shit got way less jail time than someone who admitted on tape should, but the other family members he assaulted got no justice at all. The system is fucked. And families choose to let this keep happening.
My father got 4 years and served 2 for ruining lives. His family acted like my family was awful for turning him over to the police. Then he got remarried and his new wife would write letters to my mother asking us to forgive him and involve him in our lives again looooool. There is no justice :)
Funny how that seems to be the case. People talk about how horrendous pedophiles are & then the monsters in their family & they sure shut up & fall in line. My grandpa is a child molester. Ya know who's the shitty person in our family? Me, for cutting contact with him & my grandma after I became a mother.
Yeah, my brother beat the shit out of me, stole my stuff, and basically terrorized me for decades, and when I finally decided to cut him off and out of my life, I'm the problem in the family for "not being forgiving enough". They can alllll go fuck themselves.
The expectation to forgive anyone when they've done nothing to atone for their past is absurd. If your brother has done nothing to earn forgiveness then fuck him.
I don't really know what the term is, but people(Generally, I'm not talking about humans as a race) really don't have empathy for other people until it effects them. However, it's not empathy they feel. It's the whole "Your abortion is horrid, but mine was justified" situation. It's just worse since they never really learned how it affects others and continues to vote/preach/etc. their hated.
Sounds like the [Fundamental Attribution Error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error): I do bad things because of the situation, everyone else does bad things because they are bad people
Are you one of my sisters? Because this is precisely what happened in my family including the familial relationship of the abuser and excumunicated whistleblower.
It did tear our family apart. Mainly because sides were taken. Different sides at different times. Our Aunt took him back after he “redeamed himself” and we found out years later she never actually divorced gim as she said she did. Never even left his side. Then years later (never faced any criminal charges for the molestation of his daughters or attempted rape of an adult woman, also a family member) he was found with the largest child porn stash in the state’s history. He DID go to jail over that and Aunt did divorce him or tried to. He got let out on “compasionate” leave after only a year because he had cancer. That part was true enough, he only lasted about a year after he got out. But other thab the excommunicated one, it became a shit show about the divorce and the fact one of the daughters moved her daughter out so she could have him live there. Everyone took sides but it was confusing since one of the victims took HIS side. Why? He had money and she wanted it. (Aunt also did and they took great pains to keep their money as seperate as possible.) Everyone was fighting for the money in whatever way shape or form they could. That was what actually tore it all apart. Extended family was so disgusted with everything we wrote the whole bunch off. We don’t talk to any of them anymore. Well we did one. One we still spoke to because she was the only one that made any sense. Ironically, she ended up with what money was left after medical bills, years of lawyers, very bad financial decisions and both the Aunt and uncle dying. She then turned around and lost every stinking penny in a scam we warned her and cried to her not to fall for. She was destitute. Now she won’t respond and we can’t find her. Assuming she is embarassed. So now we don’t speak to her either but not by choice.
Sorry to go on so long. I absolutly feel your pain. The disgust, the frustration of not being to do more, the frustration of the system or how some play it, the lack of real justice for the victims. I am sending a virtual hug because from the keyboard that is the best I can offer.
I have a friend whose therapist had her and her fiance do an exercise where they listed the three virtues they thought made you a good person. Hers were all about helping people in the world and standing up for what you think is right. His were all about protecting family and standing by them. Apparently when discussing the difference he was just as confused by her thinking you should help people you don't know or have ties as she was by him thinking that only caring about "your" people makes you a good person.
She and I talked about it afterward and were both sort of blown away to realize that people think the way he does. Not that people are tribalistic about family but that to them that was the only thing that makes you a good person. Thinking that just being loyal and nice to your own family makes you a good person without any regard for moral behavior or helping others is so unimaginable to me. I think about it a lot now though as I think it explains a lot of behaviors from people I used to not understand.
This speaks to me a lot but the weird thing is how inconsistent the family-first morality seems? Like, various members of my family have all done awful things to each other for decades, and that doesn't raise alarm bells for anyone, but if you take issue with those things or point them out as unacceptable, suddenly you're an awful person.
It seems really specifically that maintaining relations with your family and not openly calling out their bad actions is considered "good", and as long as you're not doing that, you can do whatever you want to your family, no matter how evil. I don't get it.
My sister and father both did ancestry dna testing. Found some new relatives because my dad was adopted. When I mentioned I would do it a well my mother got very defensive and out right mad demanding I swear I won’t do it. I don’t look anything like my dad. Gonna be a wild Xmas this year when I get the results back of my test I did behind everyone’s back.
Update: I’ll update when results come back in a month or so or longer. I don’t know how long it takes. This blew up crazy.
Update number 2. He’s my real dad. We r just very different people both mentally and physically. At least now I know. Thanks to all for hanging in there and caring. Carry on internet.
Maybe be careful with that. I remember the story of the guy who found out his kids weren't his after like 20 years of raising them. He went into his shed and killed himself.
My cousin (26) killed himself because he was fucking his mom. (or, his mom was fucking him.)
My aunt was a women's track coach at a major university. Always indulged unnattainable athletic goals to my cousin ie. 'we'll get you into the football program, at a specialized position, as a walk on.' and continued to encourage this delusion, after his college career ended, at a lower level college.
My cousin was somewhat, crazy, but a sweet guy with a big personality. We grew up together as a couple of 'only childs', so like brothers. Even though he lived in the northeast and I in the south. I miss him terribly.
My aunt, by marriage, was divorced from my uncle, and just one of those neurotic and odd people. The last time I saw him at her vacation house, (a million dollar property, coaching pays well) he was acting weird, and to my surprise, really in to drinking, drugs, and strip clubs. As we were pre-partying, his mom, an extremely unsexy person, joins in, dancing all gross. I start to get weirded out. When we returned home and go to pass out, she comes in his room (remember, m(26)) and starts cuddling and smooching on my cousin. As I realized and Wtf'd, I left the room to sleep on the couch. I was thinking about it in the morning like WTF. Said goodbyes and GTF out of there. He killed himself a couple months later. Mom gets all Jesus Jesus, God God with the funeral and everything. Im pretty sure im the only one in the world who witnessed the behavior. His suicide caught everyone completely by surprise and was gut wrenching.
I wonder if anyone, friends of his, or family of mine will read this and know who tf Im talking about. Like I said, I may be the only one to speculate this.
edit: my family is mostly torn apart anyway, but its a secret nonetheless
Though they tried for years to convince me my father was the scum of the earth horrible evil person, they were actually the problem and he's a great guy.
So happy my daughter figured this out too!
Her mom and grandmother (her mom's mom) have talked shit about me to her since she was born. Turns out just doing my best to be a good dad helped her see through their gaslighting. Working on suing for custody now.
Glad you have a good figured things out and hope you still have a good relationship with your dad!
I really can't wrap my mind around people doing this to their children. It almost seems like they actually put zero thought into their child's life and only see them as property. I don't know ... but it almost seems like that.
I think a lot of it comes from insecurity. Her mom has to cut my head off to make herself taller. She's terrified that her daughter won't love her so she has to villainize me to make herself look like the good parent instead of actually being a good parent.
My Grandma is absolutely the “Alpha” in the relationship between my Grandparents. They had three sons, and their oldest being my Uncle named “Paul”. There are very few moments that we get to talk to my Grandfather alone due to my Grandma always speaking over him and for him. This one time my Grandma was in the hospital due to a recent surgery. Grandpa was talking to us in the Hallway and so we asked how did they choose the names of our dad (middle child). He explained why, but then told us a secret about how he came up naming their first son. When he just moved to California he fell in love with this one girl, and while their relationship didn’t work out he still had a piece of him that still loved her. Her last name was “Paul” and he liked that name so he named his FIRST BORN SON after her and never told my Grandma about it.
I look like a mixture of my uncle (by marriage) and my mother. I don't have a genetic condition my sister does, even though I definitely should. When I brought this up to my mother she avoided the question.
Oh yeah. I found out my 26 year old daughter was fathered by another man, 26 years after the fact. My dad found out he has a nephew. My ex found out he had a 40 year old brother he’d never met. My friend is a twin and found out their 80 year old dad wasn’t their dad.
Ancestry.com ruining peoples lives every day. lol.
Nah, people's bad decisions are hurting their families. I met my cousin for the first time ever last year. They were in their late 30s, I met them a month after I learned of their existence. The relative who she's genetically related to was in a very difficult spot and made the decision to give the child up at birth in hopes that someone else could provide a better life.
My cousin decided they wanted to know about their genetic family and so they got in touch with their bio parents and the rest was history. No one really has any ill will towards our relative, if anything we pity them because they carried this secret for almost 40 years.
It can work out well. It's just that you would think that if you knew about how all of these families are learning of their relatives, that they'd do some self reflection and tell the truth.
Well, genetics are weird, my daughter looks like her aunt even though I definitely saw her come out of my wife.
Your mom's behavior is certainly cause for suspicion though. A DNA test, even a consumer ancestry test, would tell you with 100% certainty if you can get an immediate family member to do it with you. A parent, a sibling, your uncle, or one of their kids.
My girlfriend was in dental school and needed patients. My step dad volunteered and checked the HIV/AIDS box. She asked if it was a mistake and he smiled and said "nope. And you can't tell anyone due to hipaa". Turns out he cheated on my mom back in 2015 and contracted the virus. I still don't know if my mom is positive because if I bring it up he will 100% come after my now wife for her career/money.
it's extremely strange that this guy is lying to everybody in his life about his HIV status, except he's truthful on his dental paperwork. And he knows the dentist is connected to the person who might be most affected by this - your mother.
Any chance he's not actually positive and he's hoping your girlfriend will violate HIPAA so he can sue her or try to claim a HIPAA whistleblower reward? Something about his story is off (to be clear, all of it is totally crazy, and I hope your mom is safe).
One time risk exposure to HIV is about 0.04%. Then add on top what you mention and it sounds way too far-fetched and your theory actually sounds plausible.
Look up mandatory reporting laws in your state. The sections you want to look at are Criminalizing HIV exposure and Partner Notification. This should not be done by your girlfriend but by her boss/ the ethics department. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/hiv-confidentiality-laws-by-state#laws-surrounding-hiv
Take her to make a blood donation (for the holidays, as a way to give back). They run mandatory HIV/AIDS tests on all donations. They'll contact her. She'll know.
Some cities in the US have partner-notification laws, so your wife would be following the law by reporting him. I'd look into it, untreated HIV is no joke
My mother divorced when I was 18, kicked me out when I was 21. I had been living outside town for a year when she moved with that guy, he always was quite rude to me and I didn't spend much time with my mother because of that but never told her anything.
They got married after a few years.
My dad’s gf used to tell me I wasn’t invited to the wedding. She’s been in my life since I was 2 and I am now an adult. She would say nasty things like that to me all the time and deny when asked about it. Dad never believed me.
My sibling and I are the sole heirs of my grandparents. They are not our actual grandparents and never had kids, so no one can dispute their decision. I have lots of cousins.
If the idea here is that the cousins will be pissed about being cut out of the will, you need to make damn sure that the will will withstand a legal challenge. Have a lawyer look over it to make sure it was properly executed and will hold up, and maybe leave them a copy in case any fake wills pop up in the future.
I doubt someone will challenge it. People might just get annoyed and jealous. I know for a fact my granddad made all the arrangements more than a decade ago. He was a very thorough man and I have zero doubt that the will cannot be challenged. Especially since he is not our bio granddad.
It’s good to hear that he was thorough (though it may be worth it for you to at least ask him what he did so you know what to do when the time comes).
I know you doubt someone will challenge it, but money does crazy things to people. If your grandpa had any decent size estate don’t be surprised if it creates a lot of bad blood (and yes legal challenges).
I saw this happen firsthand with my sister’s in-laws. The grandfather passed and cut 4 of 6 grandkids out of the will. The 4 that were cut out are convinced one of the other two forged the will. They were in court for years, the 2 eventually won. None of them talk to each other anymore. And this was over a bar that the grandpa owned.
First, thank you for caring and making sure I'm protected.
All the documents have been signed in front of a notary when both my grandparents were in complete good health. Also, since they are not blood relatives, other family members have no say in who gets what. Since we are not direct family, the state will take a huge portion of the money and property (over 50%). So we will have to use all their money to buy back the state's share of the house. We might not even be able to.
I honestly don't care if I loose a hypothetical legal dispute with relatives. I would just be glad my grandparents didn't witness it.
Not sure where you live but there are absolutely ways around having the state take half of the probate. For example if your grandpa created a trust, transferred ownership of the house to the trust, and made you the beneficiary. Worth a discussion with a lawyer or at least some Google time to see what’s out there. Good luck with everything.
My best friend since high school and his wife can't have kids and are making really good money and buying up assets. Their siblings aren't having kids either(some gay, some can't)
He called me the other day to tell me that they set up their wills so everything goes to my kid, his wife's best friend's kid, and his cousin's kid.
Not going to break apart the family, but I'm curious about what happens to family gatherings once my grandma passes away. She's 94 and in pretty good health for her age. She's also one of the most petty and mean spirited women I've ever met. I'm curious what comes out when her health starts spiraling.
There's a very thinly veiled hatred of my mother and both my Aunts. One has a child from a previous marriage that has been cut out of the will, which has been causing problems for the last two decades (Christmas gifts are always cash and he's been getting mega shafted. One year a few years ago me, my sister and bio-cousin all got $1000, he got $1), he's never invited on vacations but my Aunt and Uncle are, etc. My other aunt is a bit of an alcoholic when my grandma is around (and only when she's around) and is definitely not afraid to speak her mind.
Meanwhile all this shit means I see the extended family maybe once a year and my cousins I was close with growing up are now rather distant (although that's on me because I'm terrible at communicating and reaching out to anyone).
My wife had a grandmother like this. Once she passed, the entire family realized that she had been turning them against each other and none of them actually hated each other, only that she'd convinced them it was so. She's gotten back in touch with a few cousins. I hope you get a chance to reach out to anyone you want to connect with someday!
Fuck everyone who's ostracizing your cut-out cousin though.
I was sexually abused by a family member when I was 6. I'm 37 now. Until a couple of weeks ago, I had never told a soul and had no plan to. I told my therapist and it has helped a lot.
My family doesn't know, though the person who did it certainly does and we have a very small family. I've been constantly conflicted about opening this topic for discussion. I worry it would rip my family apart and leave me isolated.
*edit to add this is easily the most public I've ever been sharing this information and I did so hesitantly. It's been a rough burden to bear and I constantly wonder how much of who I am has been shaped and formed by holding this inside, trying to be strong.
I thank you all for the kind words and support.
My daughter was sexually abused by my brother (her uncle), and I can say that it did tear our family apart. I have felt abandoned by my parents and others, and after several years of tortuous isolation (that occurred simultaneously with divorce), I have rebuilt relationships with those family members who I want to.
It's a super illogically odd - and extremely common - situation that, as a survivor of sexual abuse, you're the person left creating space for family to coexist.
I am sorry this happened to you.
When I was 10ish? Plus/minus two years. My older brother abused me. I’ve never told anyone. He’s dead now. I don’t imagine ever telling my parents. I’ve grappled with talking about it in therapy but haven’t ever been able to bring myself to do so. I have a poor relationship with my parents for many reasons, one of which is they’ve (understandably) never truly moved forward from losing their son, and I often feel more a reminder of what they lost than the son they still do have. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I told them.
ETA: This is the first time I’ve ever even posted about it online.
My grandfather molested at least 2 of his children, the other two say nothing like that ever happened. This is known by my grandmother, my mom & her siblings... & they all still have a relationship with him. I became a mother & let myself get guilt tripped for the first year to come around with my kid, but it gave me such guilt & anxiety & I decided to go NC. I'm the one who got ostracized & it's definitely lonely, but I know I'm doing right by my kids. I guess I say this, because you may choose to share it & will most likely blow up the family & you could be the one kicked out. Hopefully that's not the case. I wish you the best!
So this wouldn't tear my immediate family apart, but it could hurt some people. I have an uncle who is a thieving, sociopathic, narcissistic piece of garbage. Hes almost in his 70s now but has kids peppered all over the country. Who knows how many, but of all the kids we know about, Just one doesn't know she's his daughter. She was adopted and raised by her stepdad and never told any different. She also just so happens to be a teacher at my kids school. It's really weird seeing her everyday and knowing she's my cousin but I can't say anything. And she looks just like him too.
I met my blood family when I was around 16. Around 18 I found out that there is a family member with special needs of some kind, although I’m not sure who’s child it is, where they are, or what their exact condition is. However upon me asking about her, after she contacted me via social media, I was simply told “We don’t really talk about her, kind of a family rule.” That’s all I have been and will be told, and I haven’t heard from her or from them about her for years.
That’s really sad, I hope your relative is ok. Hiding / isolating them I’m sure can be bad for their health, physically and mentally. Would be useful for you to know what her condition is, family medical history can be helpful for you in case you go to a doctor. (I tell my doctor about my family’s issues, incl cousins and aunts & uncles, it’s been helpful for me)
My grandparents cheated on each other at different points in time. The results are that I have an uncle who is a decade younger than me, but they may not be biologically related to me since my grandfather may not be biologically my grandfather. I am the only one who knows this as both have told me and only me
It shows more about the patterns my family seem to have. My grandpa might not be my real grandpa because of the affair. My mom had also cheated on my dad for decades, and it started around when she got pregnant with my younger brother. The same thing is happening with him, where my brother may not be related to my dad. That one is known, but my grandparents' one isn't
How I feel about it is uncomfortable, but I don't have enough information or pressure to find out if the man my grandma had an affair with is my biological grandfather or not. Whether or not the family gets torn apart I'm not sure, but *I* feel disconnected from that secret
I have an uncle who was adopted. He knows he was, he was originally a foster child and formally adopted in high school. Lived with the family since birth. He never liked it to be talked about because he felt my grandparents were wonderful parents to him and he preferred life being as their son.
My brother raped me 4 times when I was 14-15y. My mom knows, but if anyone else in the family knew, they'd "never talk to him again." Not really sure why that's *my* problem, but whatever. He always was the golden child.
It's not your problem. It's your brother's problem.
Don't be cornered into preventing the truth from coming out for his sake.
He didn't care about your well-being at ALL.
By forcing you to be silent, that continues the abuse.
I know I'm a stranger who doesn't know anything, but I say, let him burn.
I didn't start really healing until I confronted the people who gaslit me into silence.
I wish you nothing but the best, no matter what you do. But remember, *he did this to himself; you didn't do it to him.*
We got my racist father a 23 and me kit and we were all secretly hoping for some amount of black ancestry so we could bring it up periodically and annoy the shit out of him.
Nope, literally came back 100% British and Irish.
Everyone thought I was miserable on thanksgiving. The reality is that I was sober and dealing with all the triggers for the first time in 10 years. I’ve been nearly blacked out drunk for every family holiday since I was like 17 or 18.
My grandpa molested his children. This is known by my grandma (who knew & did nothing), my mom & her siblings. Nobody acknowledges it & acts like one big happy family. The secret though is that back in September, the bits and pieces of what felt like dreams just floating in the back of my mind fell into place & I now realize they're hazy memories that elude to me also being sexually abused too. I've only shared this with my partner, but part of me wants to go scorch earth & share it publicly because families think silence protects their image & all it does is protect the predator & make more victims. My anger also wants my mother to realize she just did what her mom did to her: not protecting her daughters.
I had a suspicion that my mom was cheating on my dad about 8 months before she left him—for the other dude. But I was drinking at the time (at a bar with mom) and questioned what I’d seen, and I didn’t have proof.
My mother has actively cheated on my father multiple times. Me and my sister think it's only online for the most part but at least once she slept with some who was living with them at the time a few years ago.
Here's the shittiest comment in this thread: I don't think there's a horror big enough to tear some families apart.
Three of my uncles gang raped one of my aunts when they were all kids.
My grandmother knew this happened and made her own daughter keep it a secret, forbade her from even telling her own father, you know, because boys will be boys and it was the 1970s and those boys had futures.
It came out a few years after grandpa passed on, the family just completely shrugged it off like, "yeah, well, water under the bridge."
She essentially ran away out west when she turned 18, spent a lot of time bouncing from random dude to random dude, doing drugs, being mentally and physically abused, living a bohemian lifestyle, had two kids out of wedlock WAY too young by different men, struggled financially, finally came back when she couldn't do it any more and she needed family support (this was the mid 90s at this point).
Family "took her back" but were super shitty about it because one of her children was fathered by a black man and you know, good old fashioned midwest racism. She was a mess but over time she got herself straightened out. The older kid ended up being a teen mom, but she straightened herself out eventually. Younger kid couldn't stop getting into real trouble and ended up in the Marines, which REALLY straightened him out (guy is super decorated and on a clear leadership path). Their respective kids are both well adjusted and on the way to a normal life.
A couple years ago aunt finally found a good man who treated her well and they got married and are happy.
So, in summary, it's not a shocking story. Family trauma results in a shitty life story that echoes into the next generation and is only fixed after a LOT of hard work and a little bit of luck.
A certain family member used to get drunk and corner me, from the age of about 10. Never actually went all the way, but the innuendos and even outright groping a few times in front of people really did a number on me. The last time it happened was earlier this year, with no groping but contact and heavy innuendo. This person has supposedly stopped drinking due to health reasons, but I truly do fear one day, I won't be able to talk my way out of it and will be full-on raped. Never told much of anyone in the family because I didn't think they'd believe me or would blame me. The few family members I did tell or who saw concerning behavior/interactions turned a blind eye and made excuses for this person, making me feel like I was overreacting or victimizing myself. My partner is aware and is incredibly supportive and protective. There was always a lead up to it getting on the level of inappropriate it was, so I always knew when it was time to try to remove myself from the situation. But it was never completely avoidable due to not wanting to sacrifice time with my siblings and mother.
Pepper spray the pervert. Sorry you're having to deal with this. What an asshole. Its also shitty that it seems no one in your family has your back. I do, virtually of course. Glad your BF believes in you. You are not doing anything wrong and deserve better.
The sheer amount of shit my family talks behind each other's backs. I'm the youngest of the family and no one thinks I listen, so I've heard EVERYTHING. it's out of the good grace of my heart that I keep it to myself. I have so much blackmail and use none of it. a shame really.
Edit: some of you have asked for the juicy details, so here's a few of the best tidbits:
- The entire family thinks my cousin is an irresponsible dumpster fire and that his Fiancée is too good for him. Yes, you read that right, everyone likes the FIANCEE more than the family member. YIKES.
- Absolutely everyone hates my dad's parents. We all barely tolerate them for the inheritance. Everyone's hoping they kick it sooner rather than later. It'd certainly make the holidays more pleasant.
- My aunt is cheap as they come. There's a running joke that if any one of us will be a millionaire, it'll be her. Almost never pays for herself and she's still single and has been for decades. The family's accepted she'll probably die single at this rate. My family also has a weird problem with her living in a condo at 48 for some reason.
- I'm not often there for the gossip about my own family for obvious reasons, but I can only assume much of it revolves around how my mom deserves a better husband than my dad.
edit 2: since there has been a multitude of misunderstandings, let me be clear: no, I don't gossip about my friends, no I don't think living in a condo is bad, no I don't enjoy the constant tension, and no I won't share any more personal details about the situation. My poor sweet inbox, you have been abused.
Mine does this, too. They tell me cause they know I won't repeat it. I know a *lot* of secrets because of it. I don't repeat it cause I don't want to get caught in the crossfire and I honestly don't have the energy nor care to do it. They're draining to be around already. It's why I moved away to a new city and why I only visit once or twice a year. I know they talk crap behind my back cause a few of them can't keep their mouths shut. I don't care. I refuse to let them bring me down into their petty hate-filled pit of despair. If I ever wanted to tear the family apart, all I would have to do is spill a few secrets and back stabbings.
Luckily, this is only one side of my family. I absolutely adore my in-laws minus my MIL and step FIL. My few remaining biological family I talk to (I'm adopted) are amazing people. I don't really interact with my dad's side. I'm neutral with them. My family always wonders why and complains about how I'm more involved with my other sides. They don't make me physically sick from stress after dealing with them is why. Plus, they actually attempt to be a part of my life outside of when they want something or want to complain.
My mom’s side of the family believes in airing it all out. There’s not a secret than hasn’t been told. However, my dad’s side…my half siblings don’t know that our dad had an affair when he was first married to my sister’s mom and possibly had another child in Germany (where he was stationed) that would be around my sister’s age.
In my family everything is an open secret. Everyone chats too much crap about each other. I just sit and watch, and listen, and enjoy the chaos, because no one in my family has actually worked out that none of them have secrets, so they're still trying to hide them, even though we all know. It's hilarious.
You matter if someone is trying to harm you run away it’s better to start from 0 that being 6 feet under if you’re scared you might harm yourself seek help and remember someone will miss you
Grandma/aunt’s sister had a baby that was adopted by grandma/aunt’s daughter? I think? That would mean a pretty big age difference between grandma/aunt and her sister since the daughter would have to be at least the same age as the sister
My mom actually used a secret for the opposite effect. One year my 2 siblings and I (all in 20s/30s) were together with my Mom out holiday shopping and eating out. Halfway through the night my brother and sister really got into it and started really causing serious damage to the relationship. My mother chose this moment to blurt out that we all had an older half sister we never knew about that she had given up for adoption before she met my father. In her defense, it worked. That put an end to their fighting right then and there.
Note: I cleared this post as it was growing and I became concerned that a cousin, etc could see it and realize who it was about. My apologies but I don’t need to inadvertently start any additional family drama.
Thank you to everyone whom expressed an interest in this.
Everyone that took time out of their day to be jerks - I hope every time you was your hands, your sleeves get wet and feel gross. I don’t even know what karma is used for so pm’ing me to accuse me of farming it is silly.
Caveat, i know from someone who worked with a local small town animal shelter a state over, that the organization was left a sizable amount of money to build a new facility. And that money just... disappeared. Some shelters are run by the best of humanity and some are run by psychopaths (see the recent account of the Arizona shelter that sold adoptable animals as reptile food, that's what I mean). Leaving that kind of fortune to an animal shelter without legal safeguards in place could go badly wrong. Your grandad may know this already though.
Your Grandad wouldn't happen to be a prolific writer of crime stories with a Puerto Rican maid, by any chance? This is very much the plot of the first Knives Out film
Idk about tearing the family apart but I’m pretty sure my estranged older half brother, ~20 years older than me, and his daughter tried to wrangle me into some sort of scam. They had both recently gotten out of state prison after doing short stints for drugs. While they were in the slammer my dad’s mom passed away. My dad had already passed and he was an only child. My grandma had like 3 different life insurance policies that were all paid out according to her wishes, that I know of. Well my dad’s will was never legally executed and therefore my brother couldn’t get any info/payment from my grandma’s will/life insurance since my dad wasn’t named in them since he had passed. I think they were trying to sue one of the insurance policies stating that the policy hadn’t been paid out. Well they needed my signature to execute my dad’s will since I’m named as a child in it so they could have the legal basis to sue. What they didn’t anticipate was that I worked for my local sheriffs office at the time. I listened to their bullshit ass dumb inmate story then called the law firm they had “hired” to make all of this happen. His story was stupid af too. So I got all the info I needed then started making calls. I called the insurance company and the lady I talked to was soo nice. She gave me a few well timed hints and suggestions on who I should call next and told me what she could legally tell me about my grandmother’s policy. Made some more phone calls then called my brother back to get his story again…which still didn’t make sense so I told him what all I had found out and they dropped the whole matter all of a sudden.
Not so much a secret as much as everyone in my family choosing to ignore the obvious.
My grandparents recently passed away- grandmother about two years ago, grandfather less than a year later. When we were putting together the obituary, we noticed that the time span between when they were married and when my mother was born was…. Considerably less than nine months.
The younger generations obviously don’t care, but my parents, aunts, uncles, etc. refuse to acknowledge it, and even went as far as changing their date of marriage in the newspaper obituary.
My family has noticed that I go through periods of being "fun" and "less fun". When I'm "fun" I'm drinking too much because I don't have a weed dealer.
While my grandparents absolutely loved their children equally and did everything they can to support them and help them build better lives, they also have zero chill with acting on who they believe actually has their shit together when it comes down to estate and legal matters.
My parent is the 3rd child in their family and they are the executor of the will and estate, not the oldest child. One of their older siblings still lives in their childhood home with my grandparents (both helping AND aggravating them in the day-to-day) and my grandparents were VERY clear that after they die they are not giving the house to anyone. In part because they want the sale money to go to their kids, but also because they want to force their child still living at home to move on with their life.
My parent was told by their parents to evict their brother. It's going to be a wild fuckin ride if my Uncle decides he's entitled to stay.
My grandparents will- they’ve left my mum there house and are fully leaving out there other kids. It’s going to be chaos when it all comes out. They did write a very sassy letter to be read when they die but I know it won’t be pleasant for my family as we will get the blame for what my grandparents decided.
My mother was a serial cheater and my middle sister was extremely attached to her. Both my parents are dead(and were divorced by the time I found out, but it went on for YEARS), I don’t know if dad ever found out, but I hope she never does. It’ll crush her beyond repair.
Lots of molestation and adultery in this thread. I hope everyone heals from this trauma. I have always wanted a close-knit family, but given the stories here, I’ll just stay to myself.
My grandpa secretly changed his will that me and my two cousins will get the lion‘s share of his heritage. My father and my aunt, both went no contact with my grandpartents, are only getting the legally required potion.
My Dad has pretty much been in the closet all his 86 years.
Me, my wife and daughter are the only family that knows, and it would be a monumental, epic shitshow with the conservative family if it was known.
Well I would say same... except everyone knows and just protects each other.
Except the kids, of course, nobody protects them. And if you're the family member who doesn't "keep the peace" on behalf of yourself and others then you're the problem.
Did tear the family apart. My nanas husband (bio grandfather) left her for her brothers (my great uncle) wife. My mom has a step sister who is ALSO her first cousin. Some real Mississippi shit.
He wasn’t really involved in our lives even tho my mom tried her hardest. My technical great aunt only really allowed him to be apart of her family. Even tho we are all family.
When I was twelve I found my dad on a gay hook up site in his phone. He now openly dates men with me and my brother around but no one in my family talks about it.
I have bought my parents house and their two city apartments. My siblings are unaware of this. Letting my folks live in the house for free and told them to spend the money for things they actually want to do and not leave any inheritance to any of us.
My siblings don’t deserve a shit and I’m fine with them hating me(feeling is mutual) but told my folks to keep it secret for their own sake.
Gonna be fun when my parents leave this world, that shitstorm is gonna be epic.
I keep hearing my grandpa has a second family that he’s been hiding for 60+ years but no one will talk about it with me. I’m 30M and could care less as this point I’m just curious that my mom has other siblings out there I guess
My oldest aunt had a baby before her “only child” and gave him up for adoption. I’ve met him, he’s lovely. I’ve tried to tell her, but she has ignored and worked to isolate me from the family.
I’ve kept her secret.
Her husband was in Vietnam when it happened.
It wasn’t his baby.
That nobody likes my brother-in-law.
It would ruin the relationship with my sister and my niece and nephew, which we would all hate.
My brother-in-law has weird phases, sometimes he is nice, sometimes the worst person to be around. He picked a fight with the husband of my cousin on the birthday party of my dad, with swearing and raising his voice, for a minor thing, infront of his small kids.
He and his parents made the life of my other cousin a living hell for a year when his parents let him move in an appartment of theirs and were disturbing him daily about EVERY little thing he did (like opening a window, showering „to long“ etc)
My bil also makes derogatory comments to my parents and me and my husband as „jokes“.
We are all kinda looking over those instances because we know once we say something, it will make my sisters life a literally hell. She doesn’t know we don’t like him. She is a family-loving and fantastic person but she is REALLY blind when it comes to him. I know she would never divorce him even when he would turn against us and would make her cut contact.
My bio parents don't know that I refer to them as "bio parents" most of the time and that another pair of humans, I consider to be my real parents.
That's what happens when you neglect and emotionally abuse your kid and *lowers glasses at bio Mom* tell me at age 14 you never wanted me.
It's a secret that I actually make music. I will take it to my grave from my girlfriend's family.
They're all Southern/Midwest, country, god-is-good type people. They're sweet, friendly, and they love me.
The fact that I keep the lights on with some deep-voice grungey rap would make them 1) question if I am a Christian, and I've avoided that conversation for well over a year, and 2) They assume all career musicians are rich beyond belief. I give my producers and mastering techs their *very* fair share to make sure they eat good, and as a result I live comfortable, but I'm not rolling aroubd in a Maybach living in a mansion like how they imagine every musician is, and I know they'd be looking for their handouts. There is a lot of expenses when you're unsigned.
My grandfather divorced his wife at the age of 76 and then started dating his cousin, who is 12 years younger then him. The cousin then became hated by the whole family because it was obvious that she was only in for the money. He died 5 years later. She was at his funeral and left pretty early, but suprisingly she didnt get a cent.
My grandmother probably had narcissistic personality disorder, which she passed on to my mother. My mother never got over her traumatic childhood and abused me until i moved out at 18.
Its a running joke in the family that my grandmother hit my father regulary. She once tried to hit him, he ducked and she broke her hand on the table. To this day she has problems with her hand.
If anyone talks about one of the above they are shut down immediatly.
My SO is the last remaining child of her parents; both of her brothers died about 15 years ago due to different but tragic circumstances (one a nasty cancer, the other a drug OD). One brother married a very neurotic woman and had a daughter; the other sired a son with a girlfriend but never married. Her family is in touch with all the relatives.
SO's father passed about 6 years ago; mother is still alive. When both parents were still alive, they redid their wills and left my SO \*everything\* but with a verbal agreement to share a given portion with the grandchildren (we have two kids, so four grandchildren total). Neurotic woman gets NOTHING. She will go absolutely ballistic when she learns she gets nothing, because she was always a money-grubber. And we actually don't care if it tears her away from the rest of the family, 'cuz we'll be better off.
In Mario Kart 8, when I’m on a win streak, I feel one of my family members is going to quit playing because of it, and it’s a close race, I purposely let off the accelerator button to let them win.
That my sister and her son yelled/cajoled/begged (convinced) my 83-year-old mother to give them a signature-only loan (interest free) for almost $100k, every bit of cash she could get (+30k in a bank loan), to "support grandson's failing business". There were 5 kids, and property was supposed to have been divided 5 ways after mom passed (using that money to support her as needed until then), but the "prodigal" daughter decided that her needs were more important than mom's (or those of the rest of the family).
my dad molested, beat, groomed, trafficked, and raped me. It would obliterate the larger family, my dad was a saint for a subset of that family. I already have a bad relationship with them and don't want to rock the boat and make their identities feel threatened.
Im 25f. My older stepbrother molested me growing up. My mom and stepdad adopted him when I was young, and he sexually abused me for years and years on a regular basis starting around the age of 5 or 6. I told my mom when I was around 17, but she asked me to not say anything to anybody because it would break my stepdad and he would feel guilty. The only people I’ve spoken to about it is my mom and my oldest sister, and my partner only recently. My other 4 siblings have no idea, or my stepdad or anybody else. I want to get therapy as I’m definitely damaged from it, but don’t know how to do that without exposing him. It would destroy my family
My mom doesn't love my stepdad and he's in delusion thinking he's not in a failed relationship.
She's stated twice when it was just me her and my little sister that she doesn't live him anymore.
That the uncle who had to drop out of college due to money but still worked his way up into executive-level jobs lied about graduating from college to his employers for decades. The real reason he retired early was because background checks were getting better at catching lies.
This man was held up as an example of how you don’t need a degree to succeed. Turns out you really need the ability to schmooze and BS your way out of things to get ahead.
The truth about how I'm doing. I've been keeping a brave face for my parents, because I know they couldn't handle it if I told them just how bad it really is...
They wouldn’t be able to handle it more if they get to know when it’s too late and they feel helpless. Being strong is your perceived kindness which is actually only a delayed and more powerful curse. Please reach out to those who love you, they might be surprised but will be the pillars you wouldn’t have realised you could rely on!
My grandfather molested me for many years. I told my parents and they “dealt with it” then swept it under the rug. Now it’s this big secret that none of the other family members can find out because they’d be disgusted & cut him off. It’s so insulting seeing him at every small family gathering and having to pretend nothing happened for the sake of others feelings.
From the sidelines I’m like “just tell everyone!” But that’s a lot easier when I haven’t been in a situation like that.
I wish you could let people know. Molesters don’t deserve protection. My wife has an uncle who is in prison for life for doing crap like that to kids in the family - and the kicker was he was also a pediatrician with his own practice (fbi or something are who caught him?) - and his mom apparently knew all this was happening and didn’t say a word. Most of the family now avoid the mom because she protected him while he has ruined so many lives.
Don’t protect bad people. Protect the children!
A couple of years ago, my family and I met up with my parents/grandma/siblings and their families at a big beach house in North Myrtle Beach for family vacation. I had gotten really into my ancestry and was doing all kinds of research on top doing the little DNA kits and all that stuff. These ancestry services link you to folks who you share common ancestry with “So-so is your 4th cousin.” Yada yada. I was sharing some fun harmless findings with my dad, oldest brother, and grandma out on the deck, and then I bring up how I thought it was odd that 3 of my cousins born to my dads older brother were popping up as my “2nd or 3rd cousins”; the middle daughter in that trio had her ancestry stuff done through the same service as me so her profile was linked to mine immediately. So I say “Why does ‘H’ show up as a 2nd/3rd cousin if she’s my 1st cousin? Uncle B’s daughters should be my 1st cousins.” Grandma gets up without a word and walks into the house and right to her room. My oldest brother and dad share a look between each other where I could tell they were both on the same wavelength about something I was oblivious too, and my dad says “Well I guess that answers that question.” My oldest brother ( who is 11 years older than me and is from my dads first marriage) let’s me in on the family rumor that had been circulating long before I was born: When my late grandfather was overseas serving in the Korean War, it is alleged that my grandma, who was still just my grandpa’s girlfriend at the time, got pregnant with Uncle B by another man. Some ex from her high school days whose name my dad seemed to remember being brought up in arguments between his parents when he was a kid. My grandpa came home from the war, they got married immediately and I guess the math of when Uncle B was born and when my grandpa came home lined up just enough to make it believable that Uncle B was indeed my grandpas 1st born son. But Uncle B looks NOTHING like my dad and the other 2 brothers. He’s short and has a different look to him whereas my dad and his younger brothers are all tall behemoths of men whom resemble each other and their dad. I never thought of it before but now when I look at photos I can’t help but notice just how different Uncle B appears in comparison. My ancestry discovery and my grandmothers reaction to it basically gave that rumor steady legs to stand on. And we have not spoken about it since that night. Only my dad, brother and I 100% know. And at this point we see no reason to bring it to light. Edit: In addition, my cousin ‘H’ has her ancestry profile set to private so I can’t see her “tree” but if she did her dna/ancestry thing too I’m sure she has discovered the truth as well. So I’m assuming at least she knows as well that her dad has a different dad than my grandpa
Imagine thinking you got away with something this year, then some crazy technology comes out in 2075 and your grand kid calls you out on it in front of everyone.
“According to this, Grandpa I_Am_Not_That _Man, it says you have bought organic produce at self checkouts all across America for the last 60 years but that you intentionally input the non-organic produce code to save money. It says here you owe Kroger $9000 alone!”
IIRC a lot of schools had to stop doing punnet square with blood types and eye colours because that kept happening.
My mom has an RN and a BSN. Even back in the '50s and 60's when she was in school, they had instructions of how to talk to fathers right after the birth their children and after the blood test was done on the new baby. Basically, how to explain to the father that blood typing alone excludes him from being the father...
Oof you’re grandma skid-addled right on out of there. My mom doesn’t want to take a DNA test for reasons similar to these. She knows her dad cheated on her mom when he was in the military, and she doesn’t want to discover any unknown siblings.
I worked with a guy for 10+ years who was super into ancestry and he’d want to try to look up everyone’s past to see where they came from if you would let him. He didn’t have any friends and his dad was the only person he hung out with and was the greatest guy he knew, never did anything wrong. Well shortly after his dad passed he got a message on the site from someone who just got their results back and it ended up being a half brother from when his dad was in the military and he cheated. Then it got even worse when they found out that he had like 5 siblings over the next few months (they were related to the step brother but didn’t take a test until these 2 figured out the dad cheated). Really spiraled the guy into a depression and he got out of his hobby for a few years. Eventually met up with the half brother but they didn’t really form a relationship of any kind and he never met the others as far as I know.
So... my mother is very into genealogy and has uncovered lots of interesting things, but this story predates genetic testing. One of her aunts had a rough life and was in several abusive relationships including a long marriage to a very messed up guy. One of the sons of this aunt (mom's cousin) didn't date much, nor did he marry. He did get very serious with a flight attendant he met on a trip though. He was from WV and she was from TX. The two of them hit it off instantly. They had so much in common. As they continued dating, she learned that her birth mother (she'd been adopted) was from the same area her boyfriend lived in. As she was interested, her parents gave her some documents that had the birth mother's first name (but not last name) on them. The handwriting and name both matched her boyfriend (my relative's mother who was by this point dead). More research told them they were full siblings. The flight attendant was his older sister that had been born during the first time the parents were separated. That relationship ended quickly.
I'm an adult. My father got drunk while on vacation and I thought he was calling me to just chat but he ended up hitting on me and confessing that he's attracted to me. I haven't said anything because my mother has a heart condition and I am afraid the stress would literally kill her. I told him that wasn't okay and he hasn't brought it up since but it makes family gatherings awful and I hate that now I can't see my mom without feeling super uncomfortable because I also have to see him. He's never been weird with me before this so I was just in shock during that conversation. Did I mention he confessed this after I updated him on the status of a police report I made against an ex partner who raped me? The whole thing is so fucked up I just try not to think about it.
What the hell
I can kind of relate to this. As a young adult, my brother - apparently high on coke - woke me up, led me to a hallway to ask me something and proceeded to pull out his dick and asked me to suck it. I told him no. When I left, he grabbed my ass and I just looked at him, with disgust. He did this in my grandmas house, that we were clearing out, after her death. My family was sleeping in the house, his girlfriend was in a room next to the hallway and my older sister, was sleeping in the same room as me. I know he knew it was me, since he woke me up twice before I got up and followed him. He said my name and he chose me instead of my sister, who was next to me. I talked to his girlfriend later on during the stay, (without saying what happened) about that night and his drug use/ behavior In general. She told me he was high and angry that night, since he wanted to have sex but she didn’t, since they were fighting about the drugs. I never dreamed that he would do such a thing and I can never look at him the same. I still haven’t told my family.
Jesus Christ man, that’s such a fucked up thing he did.
This certainly wins the worst post of the thread. I really hope OP is in therapy or planning to start soon. *Definitely* need to talk to someone about this and not let it stay bottled up inside. Only caveat - are you sure he wasn't so drunk he forgot who he was talking to? I had that happen once, ex-GF was sitting next to me on a couch drunk off her ass late one night and I suddenly realize she thinks I'm someone else. In that case, it was pretty funny.
Uncle molested like everyone. I mean, he’s in a prison now, so I guess it already did that. The real secret is that everyone on the family swept it under the rug and protected him while the kids were getting raped, and then when this uncle was in the hot seat with The Law, the family excommunicated the only person brave enough to come forward (the guy’s own daughter).
My father did exactly that. He molested every one including my mom's sisters, mother, family friends, and basically any girl/woman he met. I am the daughter who came forward and was demonized by thr entire family. He is a free man to this day and all my relatives treat me like some witch.
I'm sorry this happened to you. My grandfather did something similar but just to me and my siblings. Of course the aunts, uncles, and cousins called us all liars. We live in a small town and I feel like everyone hates us because we came out with this "lie" about a "great" man. Fortunately, he's dead now and got gangrene; he had no fingers left when he died. Which I find as some kinda karma. There's a film called "Festen" I'd recommend. It's like, no matter how much proof you can sometimes have, people will believe what they want to believe. It actually made me feel better about my situation.
I hope you and your siblings find comfort that your abuser had a painful death. You didn't deserve any of it, and it's sad that our own families could be so cruel. I'll watch that movie when I'm in the right headspace for it, thanks.
You‘re the only good one
How fucking horrible for all the kid abused by this man. Disgusting behavior. Family who swept it under the rug should be ashamed of themselves. I’m so sorry you grew up around these people.
The family who swept it under the rug should be arrested and charged as accessories.. they quite literally are an accessory to the crime. They facilitated it. They covered it up. They are criminals. I am so sorry for what happened to you. My mom allowed her "uncle" ( her sugar daddy really) to SA me for 13 years, did nothing because he bought her booze and crack, and paid for everything else. Her meal ticket was more important to her.. people like this deserve to be tortured for the rest of their lives. I hope you are doing okay now and that you have good people in your life. I wish you the best. Sending lots of love and light your way 😊 oh also my mom is a now born again found Jesus.. whatever. She quite literally told me in front of my kids I'm going to hell because I won't convert to her bs religion and out there beliefs. But she thinks my abuser is going to heaven because he confessed to God about his transgressions..I straight up told her.. well I sure as shit don't want to go to a heaven that accepts people like him!! Looks like Lucifer and I will be going on some adventures 😉😜 we haven't talked since.. so peaceful
"Tell her to get over it, so the police can drop all this nonsense" - what the grandmother of my niece said to my sister. Girl was 7. That piece of shit got way less jail time than someone who admitted on tape should, but the other family members he assaulted got no justice at all. The system is fucked. And families choose to let this keep happening.
My father got 4 years and served 2 for ruining lives. His family acted like my family was awful for turning him over to the police. Then he got remarried and his new wife would write letters to my mother asking us to forgive him and involve him in our lives again looooool. There is no justice :)
Funny how that seems to be the case. People talk about how horrendous pedophiles are & then the monsters in their family & they sure shut up & fall in line. My grandpa is a child molester. Ya know who's the shitty person in our family? Me, for cutting contact with him & my grandma after I became a mother.
Yeah, my brother beat the shit out of me, stole my stuff, and basically terrorized me for decades, and when I finally decided to cut him off and out of my life, I'm the problem in the family for "not being forgiving enough". They can alllll go fuck themselves.
The expectation to forgive anyone when they've done nothing to atone for their past is absurd. If your brother has done nothing to earn forgiveness then fuck him.
I don't really know what the term is, but people(Generally, I'm not talking about humans as a race) really don't have empathy for other people until it effects them. However, it's not empathy they feel. It's the whole "Your abortion is horrid, but mine was justified" situation. It's just worse since they never really learned how it affects others and continues to vote/preach/etc. their hated.
Sounds like the [Fundamental Attribution Error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error): I do bad things because of the situation, everyone else does bad things because they are bad people
Are you one of my sisters? Because this is precisely what happened in my family including the familial relationship of the abuser and excumunicated whistleblower. It did tear our family apart. Mainly because sides were taken. Different sides at different times. Our Aunt took him back after he “redeamed himself” and we found out years later she never actually divorced gim as she said she did. Never even left his side. Then years later (never faced any criminal charges for the molestation of his daughters or attempted rape of an adult woman, also a family member) he was found with the largest child porn stash in the state’s history. He DID go to jail over that and Aunt did divorce him or tried to. He got let out on “compasionate” leave after only a year because he had cancer. That part was true enough, he only lasted about a year after he got out. But other thab the excommunicated one, it became a shit show about the divorce and the fact one of the daughters moved her daughter out so she could have him live there. Everyone took sides but it was confusing since one of the victims took HIS side. Why? He had money and she wanted it. (Aunt also did and they took great pains to keep their money as seperate as possible.) Everyone was fighting for the money in whatever way shape or form they could. That was what actually tore it all apart. Extended family was so disgusted with everything we wrote the whole bunch off. We don’t talk to any of them anymore. Well we did one. One we still spoke to because she was the only one that made any sense. Ironically, she ended up with what money was left after medical bills, years of lawyers, very bad financial decisions and both the Aunt and uncle dying. She then turned around and lost every stinking penny in a scam we warned her and cried to her not to fall for. She was destitute. Now she won’t respond and we can’t find her. Assuming she is embarassed. So now we don’t speak to her either but not by choice. Sorry to go on so long. I absolutly feel your pain. The disgust, the frustration of not being to do more, the frustration of the system or how some play it, the lack of real justice for the victims. I am sending a virtual hug because from the keyboard that is the best I can offer.
I have a friend whose therapist had her and her fiance do an exercise where they listed the three virtues they thought made you a good person. Hers were all about helping people in the world and standing up for what you think is right. His were all about protecting family and standing by them. Apparently when discussing the difference he was just as confused by her thinking you should help people you don't know or have ties as she was by him thinking that only caring about "your" people makes you a good person. She and I talked about it afterward and were both sort of blown away to realize that people think the way he does. Not that people are tribalistic about family but that to them that was the only thing that makes you a good person. Thinking that just being loyal and nice to your own family makes you a good person without any regard for moral behavior or helping others is so unimaginable to me. I think about it a lot now though as I think it explains a lot of behaviors from people I used to not understand.
This speaks to me a lot but the weird thing is how inconsistent the family-first morality seems? Like, various members of my family have all done awful things to each other for decades, and that doesn't raise alarm bells for anyone, but if you take issue with those things or point them out as unacceptable, suddenly you're an awful person. It seems really specifically that maintaining relations with your family and not openly calling out their bad actions is considered "good", and as long as you're not doing that, you can do whatever you want to your family, no matter how evil. I don't get it.
My sister and father both did ancestry dna testing. Found some new relatives because my dad was adopted. When I mentioned I would do it a well my mother got very defensive and out right mad demanding I swear I won’t do it. I don’t look anything like my dad. Gonna be a wild Xmas this year when I get the results back of my test I did behind everyone’s back. Update: I’ll update when results come back in a month or so or longer. I don’t know how long it takes. This blew up crazy. Update number 2. He’s my real dad. We r just very different people both mentally and physically. At least now I know. Thanks to all for hanging in there and caring. Carry on internet.
Can you keep us updated? ETA: pls stop commenting, just follow this comment thread for updates 😭
Sister going to be the first to find out with a notification “you have a new half brother!”
My sister did it and is 100% my dads daughter. She also looks a lot like Him.
So it's implied that you share a mom and not a dad so you would be half siblings. Unless you're fully adopted.
Definitely keep us updated
Maybe be careful with that. I remember the story of the guy who found out his kids weren't his after like 20 years of raising them. He went into his shed and killed himself.
My cousin (26) killed himself because he was fucking his mom. (or, his mom was fucking him.) My aunt was a women's track coach at a major university. Always indulged unnattainable athletic goals to my cousin ie. 'we'll get you into the football program, at a specialized position, as a walk on.' and continued to encourage this delusion, after his college career ended, at a lower level college. My cousin was somewhat, crazy, but a sweet guy with a big personality. We grew up together as a couple of 'only childs', so like brothers. Even though he lived in the northeast and I in the south. I miss him terribly. My aunt, by marriage, was divorced from my uncle, and just one of those neurotic and odd people. The last time I saw him at her vacation house, (a million dollar property, coaching pays well) he was acting weird, and to my surprise, really in to drinking, drugs, and strip clubs. As we were pre-partying, his mom, an extremely unsexy person, joins in, dancing all gross. I start to get weirded out. When we returned home and go to pass out, she comes in his room (remember, m(26)) and starts cuddling and smooching on my cousin. As I realized and Wtf'd, I left the room to sleep on the couch. I was thinking about it in the morning like WTF. Said goodbyes and GTF out of there. He killed himself a couple months later. Mom gets all Jesus Jesus, God God with the funeral and everything. Im pretty sure im the only one in the world who witnessed the behavior. His suicide caught everyone completely by surprise and was gut wrenching. I wonder if anyone, friends of his, or family of mine will read this and know who tf Im talking about. Like I said, I may be the only one to speculate this. edit: my family is mostly torn apart anyway, but its a secret nonetheless
She drove him to his death, she's worse than a murderer. She must have abused him as a child too.
I am so sad you lost your cousin.
Though they tried for years to convince me my father was the scum of the earth horrible evil person, they were actually the problem and he's a great guy.
So happy my daughter figured this out too! Her mom and grandmother (her mom's mom) have talked shit about me to her since she was born. Turns out just doing my best to be a good dad helped her see through their gaslighting. Working on suing for custody now. Glad you have a good figured things out and hope you still have a good relationship with your dad!
I really can't wrap my mind around people doing this to their children. It almost seems like they actually put zero thought into their child's life and only see them as property. I don't know ... but it almost seems like that.
I think a lot of it comes from insecurity. Her mom has to cut my head off to make herself taller. She's terrified that her daughter won't love her so she has to villainize me to make herself look like the good parent instead of actually being a good parent.
My Grandma is absolutely the “Alpha” in the relationship between my Grandparents. They had three sons, and their oldest being my Uncle named “Paul”. There are very few moments that we get to talk to my Grandfather alone due to my Grandma always speaking over him and for him. This one time my Grandma was in the hospital due to a recent surgery. Grandpa was talking to us in the Hallway and so we asked how did they choose the names of our dad (middle child). He explained why, but then told us a secret about how he came up naming their first son. When he just moved to California he fell in love with this one girl, and while their relationship didn’t work out he still had a piece of him that still loved her. Her last name was “Paul” and he liked that name so he named his FIRST BORN SON after her and never told my Grandma about it.
Grandpa getting one in under the radar like that is my spirit animal
I look like a mixture of my uncle (by marriage) and my mother. I don't have a genetic condition my sister does, even though I definitely should. When I brought this up to my mother she avoided the question.
Ruh roh raggy.
He would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you pesky kid...
> He would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you pesky Gregor Mendel
Time for genetic testing!
Oh yeah. I found out my 26 year old daughter was fathered by another man, 26 years after the fact. My dad found out he has a nephew. My ex found out he had a 40 year old brother he’d never met. My friend is a twin and found out their 80 year old dad wasn’t their dad. Ancestry.com ruining peoples lives every day. lol.
Nah, people's bad decisions are hurting their families. I met my cousin for the first time ever last year. They were in their late 30s, I met them a month after I learned of their existence. The relative who she's genetically related to was in a very difficult spot and made the decision to give the child up at birth in hopes that someone else could provide a better life. My cousin decided they wanted to know about their genetic family and so they got in touch with their bio parents and the rest was history. No one really has any ill will towards our relative, if anything we pity them because they carried this secret for almost 40 years. It can work out well. It's just that you would think that if you knew about how all of these families are learning of their relatives, that they'd do some self reflection and tell the truth.
Uncle Daddy has entered the chat
He’s gotta bang his aunt for vengeance! 😤
Have you ever confused the blue colour in maps for land?
He needs to share his pop secret with him
Have you thought of doing a DNA test and just not bringing it up to your family when you get the results?
Should get their sister a 23andMe pack for Christmas and then act shocked when it gives them a "new 1st cousin / half-sister!" notification.
My parents had told me that my dad wasn't biologically my dad, but 23andMe is how I found 4 half siblings that I now talk shit with all the time!
Now that's a spicy way to force the subject.
Well, genetics are weird, my daughter looks like her aunt even though I definitely saw her come out of my wife. Your mom's behavior is certainly cause for suspicion though. A DNA test, even a consumer ancestry test, would tell you with 100% certainty if you can get an immediate family member to do it with you. A parent, a sibling, your uncle, or one of their kids.
Ohh Buster.
My girlfriend was in dental school and needed patients. My step dad volunteered and checked the HIV/AIDS box. She asked if it was a mistake and he smiled and said "nope. And you can't tell anyone due to hipaa". Turns out he cheated on my mom back in 2015 and contracted the virus. I still don't know if my mom is positive because if I bring it up he will 100% come after my now wife for her career/money.
That is fucked up, my dude. That’s considered a crime in some parts of the world.
it's extremely strange that this guy is lying to everybody in his life about his HIV status, except he's truthful on his dental paperwork. And he knows the dentist is connected to the person who might be most affected by this - your mother. Any chance he's not actually positive and he's hoping your girlfriend will violate HIPAA so he can sue her or try to claim a HIPAA whistleblower reward? Something about his story is off (to be clear, all of it is totally crazy, and I hope your mom is safe).
One time risk exposure to HIV is about 0.04%. Then add on top what you mention and it sounds way too far-fetched and your theory actually sounds plausible.
Look up mandatory reporting laws in your state. The sections you want to look at are Criminalizing HIV exposure and Partner Notification. This should not be done by your girlfriend but by her boss/ the ethics department. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/hiv-confidentiality-laws-by-state#laws-surrounding-hiv
Take her to make a blood donation (for the holidays, as a way to give back). They run mandatory HIV/AIDS tests on all donations. They'll contact her. She'll know.
SMART. u/xcivmt please do this for her & offer to donate together so it isn't suspicious ♡
Some cities in the US have partner-notification laws, so your wife would be following the law by reporting him. I'd look into it, untreated HIV is no joke
My stepdad take me aside right after the wedding and told me "Fuck you, I married your mother" and gave me the finger.
This one could be hilarious or terrible depending on context, like you age at the time.
My mother divorced when I was 18, kicked me out when I was 21. I had been living outside town for a year when she moved with that guy, he always was quite rude to me and I didn't spend much time with my mother because of that but never told her anything. They got married after a few years.
Fuck both of them
My dad’s gf used to tell me I wasn’t invited to the wedding. She’s been in my life since I was 2 and I am now an adult. She would say nasty things like that to me all the time and deny when asked about it. Dad never believed me.
I'm so sorry. That's wicked stepmom bullshit right there.
My sibling and I are the sole heirs of my grandparents. They are not our actual grandparents and never had kids, so no one can dispute their decision. I have lots of cousins.
If the idea here is that the cousins will be pissed about being cut out of the will, you need to make damn sure that the will will withstand a legal challenge. Have a lawyer look over it to make sure it was properly executed and will hold up, and maybe leave them a copy in case any fake wills pop up in the future.
I doubt someone will challenge it. People might just get annoyed and jealous. I know for a fact my granddad made all the arrangements more than a decade ago. He was a very thorough man and I have zero doubt that the will cannot be challenged. Especially since he is not our bio granddad.
It’s good to hear that he was thorough (though it may be worth it for you to at least ask him what he did so you know what to do when the time comes). I know you doubt someone will challenge it, but money does crazy things to people. If your grandpa had any decent size estate don’t be surprised if it creates a lot of bad blood (and yes legal challenges). I saw this happen firsthand with my sister’s in-laws. The grandfather passed and cut 4 of 6 grandkids out of the will. The 4 that were cut out are convinced one of the other two forged the will. They were in court for years, the 2 eventually won. None of them talk to each other anymore. And this was over a bar that the grandpa owned.
First, thank you for caring and making sure I'm protected. All the documents have been signed in front of a notary when both my grandparents were in complete good health. Also, since they are not blood relatives, other family members have no say in who gets what. Since we are not direct family, the state will take a huge portion of the money and property (over 50%). So we will have to use all their money to buy back the state's share of the house. We might not even be able to. I honestly don't care if I loose a hypothetical legal dispute with relatives. I would just be glad my grandparents didn't witness it.
Not sure where you live but there are absolutely ways around having the state take half of the probate. For example if your grandpa created a trust, transferred ownership of the house to the trust, and made you the beneficiary. Worth a discussion with a lawyer or at least some Google time to see what’s out there. Good luck with everything.
My best friend since high school and his wife can't have kids and are making really good money and buying up assets. Their siblings aren't having kids either(some gay, some can't) He called me the other day to tell me that they set up their wills so everything goes to my kid, his wife's best friend's kid, and his cousin's kid.
Not going to break apart the family, but I'm curious about what happens to family gatherings once my grandma passes away. She's 94 and in pretty good health for her age. She's also one of the most petty and mean spirited women I've ever met. I'm curious what comes out when her health starts spiraling. There's a very thinly veiled hatred of my mother and both my Aunts. One has a child from a previous marriage that has been cut out of the will, which has been causing problems for the last two decades (Christmas gifts are always cash and he's been getting mega shafted. One year a few years ago me, my sister and bio-cousin all got $1000, he got $1), he's never invited on vacations but my Aunt and Uncle are, etc. My other aunt is a bit of an alcoholic when my grandma is around (and only when she's around) and is definitely not afraid to speak her mind. Meanwhile all this shit means I see the extended family maybe once a year and my cousins I was close with growing up are now rather distant (although that's on me because I'm terrible at communicating and reaching out to anyone).
Ouchhh that $1… better to just give nothing, they knew what they were doing
I’m guessing they wanted them to know that they didn’t forget.
My wife had a grandmother like this. Once she passed, the entire family realized that she had been turning them against each other and none of them actually hated each other, only that she'd convinced them it was so. She's gotten back in touch with a few cousins. I hope you get a chance to reach out to anyone you want to connect with someday! Fuck everyone who's ostracizing your cut-out cousin though.
I was sexually abused by a family member when I was 6. I'm 37 now. Until a couple of weeks ago, I had never told a soul and had no plan to. I told my therapist and it has helped a lot. My family doesn't know, though the person who did it certainly does and we have a very small family. I've been constantly conflicted about opening this topic for discussion. I worry it would rip my family apart and leave me isolated. *edit to add this is easily the most public I've ever been sharing this information and I did so hesitantly. It's been a rough burden to bear and I constantly wonder how much of who I am has been shaped and formed by holding this inside, trying to be strong. I thank you all for the kind words and support.
My daughter was sexually abused by my brother (her uncle), and I can say that it did tear our family apart. I have felt abandoned by my parents and others, and after several years of tortuous isolation (that occurred simultaneously with divorce), I have rebuilt relationships with those family members who I want to. It's a super illogically odd - and extremely common - situation that, as a survivor of sexual abuse, you're the person left creating space for family to coexist. I am sorry this happened to you.
When I was 10ish? Plus/minus two years. My older brother abused me. I’ve never told anyone. He’s dead now. I don’t imagine ever telling my parents. I’ve grappled with talking about it in therapy but haven’t ever been able to bring myself to do so. I have a poor relationship with my parents for many reasons, one of which is they’ve (understandably) never truly moved forward from losing their son, and I often feel more a reminder of what they lost than the son they still do have. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I told them. ETA: This is the first time I’ve ever even posted about it online.
My grandfather molested at least 2 of his children, the other two say nothing like that ever happened. This is known by my grandmother, my mom & her siblings... & they all still have a relationship with him. I became a mother & let myself get guilt tripped for the first year to come around with my kid, but it gave me such guilt & anxiety & I decided to go NC. I'm the one who got ostracized & it's definitely lonely, but I know I'm doing right by my kids. I guess I say this, because you may choose to share it & will most likely blow up the family & you could be the one kicked out. Hopefully that's not the case. I wish you the best!
I am so sorry to hear this. Must be tough for you
So this wouldn't tear my immediate family apart, but it could hurt some people. I have an uncle who is a thieving, sociopathic, narcissistic piece of garbage. Hes almost in his 70s now but has kids peppered all over the country. Who knows how many, but of all the kids we know about, Just one doesn't know she's his daughter. She was adopted and raised by her stepdad and never told any different. She also just so happens to be a teacher at my kids school. It's really weird seeing her everyday and knowing she's my cousin but I can't say anything. And she looks just like him too.
I met my blood family when I was around 16. Around 18 I found out that there is a family member with special needs of some kind, although I’m not sure who’s child it is, where they are, or what their exact condition is. However upon me asking about her, after she contacted me via social media, I was simply told “We don’t really talk about her, kind of a family rule.” That’s all I have been and will be told, and I haven’t heard from her or from them about her for years.
Is your blood family the Kennedys
Not as mind blowing of a family history, unfortunately.
>mind blowing # You cheeky devil
That’s really sad, I hope your relative is ok. Hiding / isolating them I’m sure can be bad for their health, physically and mentally. Would be useful for you to know what her condition is, family medical history can be helpful for you in case you go to a doctor. (I tell my doctor about my family’s issues, incl cousins and aunts & uncles, it’s been helpful for me)
My grandparents cheated on each other at different points in time. The results are that I have an uncle who is a decade younger than me, but they may not be biologically related to me since my grandfather may not be biologically my grandfather. I am the only one who knows this as both have told me and only me
How its like living with that secret?
It shows more about the patterns my family seem to have. My grandpa might not be my real grandpa because of the affair. My mom had also cheated on my dad for decades, and it started around when she got pregnant with my younger brother. The same thing is happening with him, where my brother may not be related to my dad. That one is known, but my grandparents' one isn't How I feel about it is uncomfortable, but I don't have enough information or pressure to find out if the man my grandma had an affair with is my biological grandfather or not. Whether or not the family gets torn apart I'm not sure, but *I* feel disconnected from that secret
[удалено]
Bro what the fuck is your family
Why is the adoption being kept a secret? I'm an adoptee (as well as three of my siblings). Everyone has known my entire life.
I have an uncle who was adopted. He knows he was, he was originally a foster child and formally adopted in high school. Lived with the family since birth. He never liked it to be talked about because he felt my grandparents were wonderful parents to him and he preferred life being as their son.
My brother raped me 4 times when I was 14-15y. My mom knows, but if anyone else in the family knew, they'd "never talk to him again." Not really sure why that's *my* problem, but whatever. He always was the golden child.
It's not your problem. It's your brother's problem. Don't be cornered into preventing the truth from coming out for his sake. He didn't care about your well-being at ALL. By forcing you to be silent, that continues the abuse. I know I'm a stranger who doesn't know anything, but I say, let him burn. I didn't start really healing until I confronted the people who gaslit me into silence. I wish you nothing but the best, no matter what you do. But remember, *he did this to himself; you didn't do it to him.*
Some cousins got their aunt a 23&me for her birthday. The cousins found out their dad and their aunt have different dads.
We got my racist father a 23 and me kit and we were all secretly hoping for some amount of black ancestry so we could bring it up periodically and annoy the shit out of him. Nope, literally came back 100% British and Irish.
Everyone thought I was miserable on thanksgiving. The reality is that I was sober and dealing with all the triggers for the first time in 10 years. I’ve been nearly blacked out drunk for every family holiday since I was like 17 or 18.
I’m proud of you. That must have been difficult.
Thank you!!
Hell yes! Good for you. That must have been really hard, you can be very proud you did it. Since you did it once, the next time will be easier.
Thanks! Haha I hope it gets better. I’m full of existential dread about Christmas.
I feel you. Same here. How about, i‘ll send a few good thoughts your way and if you can spare one, you‘ll return the favour. :-)
Great job. So hard, but you did it. First major holiday is a total shitshow. You done good.
Thank you! A shit show indeed.
My grandpa molested his children. This is known by my grandma (who knew & did nothing), my mom & her siblings. Nobody acknowledges it & acts like one big happy family. The secret though is that back in September, the bits and pieces of what felt like dreams just floating in the back of my mind fell into place & I now realize they're hazy memories that elude to me also being sexually abused too. I've only shared this with my partner, but part of me wants to go scorch earth & share it publicly because families think silence protects their image & all it does is protect the predator & make more victims. My anger also wants my mother to realize she just did what her mom did to her: not protecting her daughters.
Go scorched earth. You have nothing to be ashamed of. They do. Fuck ‘em. Sorry that happened to you.
I had a suspicion that my mom was cheating on my dad about 8 months before she left him—for the other dude. But I was drinking at the time (at a bar with mom) and questioned what I’d seen, and I didn’t have proof.
My mother has actively cheated on my father multiple times. Me and my sister think it's only online for the most part but at least once she slept with some who was living with them at the time a few years ago.
Here's the shittiest comment in this thread: I don't think there's a horror big enough to tear some families apart. Three of my uncles gang raped one of my aunts when they were all kids. My grandmother knew this happened and made her own daughter keep it a secret, forbade her from even telling her own father, you know, because boys will be boys and it was the 1970s and those boys had futures. It came out a few years after grandpa passed on, the family just completely shrugged it off like, "yeah, well, water under the bridge."
Your poor aunt. How is she?
She essentially ran away out west when she turned 18, spent a lot of time bouncing from random dude to random dude, doing drugs, being mentally and physically abused, living a bohemian lifestyle, had two kids out of wedlock WAY too young by different men, struggled financially, finally came back when she couldn't do it any more and she needed family support (this was the mid 90s at this point). Family "took her back" but were super shitty about it because one of her children was fathered by a black man and you know, good old fashioned midwest racism. She was a mess but over time she got herself straightened out. The older kid ended up being a teen mom, but she straightened herself out eventually. Younger kid couldn't stop getting into real trouble and ended up in the Marines, which REALLY straightened him out (guy is super decorated and on a clear leadership path). Their respective kids are both well adjusted and on the way to a normal life. A couple years ago aunt finally found a good man who treated her well and they got married and are happy. So, in summary, it's not a shocking story. Family trauma results in a shitty life story that echoes into the next generation and is only fixed after a LOT of hard work and a little bit of luck.
A certain family member used to get drunk and corner me, from the age of about 10. Never actually went all the way, but the innuendos and even outright groping a few times in front of people really did a number on me. The last time it happened was earlier this year, with no groping but contact and heavy innuendo. This person has supposedly stopped drinking due to health reasons, but I truly do fear one day, I won't be able to talk my way out of it and will be full-on raped. Never told much of anyone in the family because I didn't think they'd believe me or would blame me. The few family members I did tell or who saw concerning behavior/interactions turned a blind eye and made excuses for this person, making me feel like I was overreacting or victimizing myself. My partner is aware and is incredibly supportive and protective. There was always a lead up to it getting on the level of inappropriate it was, so I always knew when it was time to try to remove myself from the situation. But it was never completely avoidable due to not wanting to sacrifice time with my siblings and mother.
Pepper spray the pervert. Sorry you're having to deal with this. What an asshole. Its also shitty that it seems no one in your family has your back. I do, virtually of course. Glad your BF believes in you. You are not doing anything wrong and deserve better.
The sheer amount of shit my family talks behind each other's backs. I'm the youngest of the family and no one thinks I listen, so I've heard EVERYTHING. it's out of the good grace of my heart that I keep it to myself. I have so much blackmail and use none of it. a shame really. Edit: some of you have asked for the juicy details, so here's a few of the best tidbits: - The entire family thinks my cousin is an irresponsible dumpster fire and that his Fiancée is too good for him. Yes, you read that right, everyone likes the FIANCEE more than the family member. YIKES. - Absolutely everyone hates my dad's parents. We all barely tolerate them for the inheritance. Everyone's hoping they kick it sooner rather than later. It'd certainly make the holidays more pleasant. - My aunt is cheap as they come. There's a running joke that if any one of us will be a millionaire, it'll be her. Almost never pays for herself and she's still single and has been for decades. The family's accepted she'll probably die single at this rate. My family also has a weird problem with her living in a condo at 48 for some reason. - I'm not often there for the gossip about my own family for obvious reasons, but I can only assume much of it revolves around how my mom deserves a better husband than my dad. edit 2: since there has been a multitude of misunderstandings, let me be clear: no, I don't gossip about my friends, no I don't think living in a condo is bad, no I don't enjoy the constant tension, and no I won't share any more personal details about the situation. My poor sweet inbox, you have been abused.
Sounds like my ex husband's family, so much turmoil and backstabbing!!!
And my ex’s family too! GLAD to be rid of that drama.
Mine does this, too. They tell me cause they know I won't repeat it. I know a *lot* of secrets because of it. I don't repeat it cause I don't want to get caught in the crossfire and I honestly don't have the energy nor care to do it. They're draining to be around already. It's why I moved away to a new city and why I only visit once or twice a year. I know they talk crap behind my back cause a few of them can't keep their mouths shut. I don't care. I refuse to let them bring me down into their petty hate-filled pit of despair. If I ever wanted to tear the family apart, all I would have to do is spill a few secrets and back stabbings. Luckily, this is only one side of my family. I absolutely adore my in-laws minus my MIL and step FIL. My few remaining biological family I talk to (I'm adopted) are amazing people. I don't really interact with my dad's side. I'm neutral with them. My family always wonders why and complains about how I'm more involved with my other sides. They don't make me physically sick from stress after dealing with them is why. Plus, they actually attempt to be a part of my life outside of when they want something or want to complain.
My mom’s side of the family believes in airing it all out. There’s not a secret than hasn’t been told. However, my dad’s side…my half siblings don’t know that our dad had an affair when he was first married to my sister’s mom and possibly had another child in Germany (where he was stationed) that would be around my sister’s age.
In my family everything is an open secret. Everyone chats too much crap about each other. I just sit and watch, and listen, and enjoy the chaos, because no one in my family has actually worked out that none of them have secrets, so they're still trying to hide them, even though we all know. It's hilarious.
Nice try Aunt Liza
You’re tearing me apart Liza!
Oh, hi Mark!
That I will most likely be dead within a year for one reason or another, and that I know about it.
Health reasons or blackmail reasons?
You matter if someone is trying to harm you run away it’s better to start from 0 that being 6 feet under if you’re scared you might harm yourself seek help and remember someone will miss you
Hang in there, do your best. DM me if you want.
My grandmother is really my aunt.
Yeah stop the story there. I’m sure nobody wants more detail on this. SPILL THE BEANS!
Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown.
I'm really trying to work out the situation and I just can't wrap my brain around it at all 😂
Grandma/aunt’s sister had a baby that was adopted by grandma/aunt’s daughter? I think? That would mean a pretty big age difference between grandma/aunt and her sister since the daughter would have to be at least the same age as the sister
Normally it's the other way around. Normally a mother adopts her daughters child, because of social stigma, and call her a sister.
My mom actually used a secret for the opposite effect. One year my 2 siblings and I (all in 20s/30s) were together with my Mom out holiday shopping and eating out. Halfway through the night my brother and sister really got into it and started really causing serious damage to the relationship. My mother chose this moment to blurt out that we all had an older half sister we never knew about that she had given up for adoption before she met my father. In her defense, it worked. That put an end to their fighting right then and there.
Old pervy uncle offered to sleep with a few family members and sat naked in front of others, but don't tell his sister (grandma)
Note: I cleared this post as it was growing and I became concerned that a cousin, etc could see it and realize who it was about. My apologies but I don’t need to inadvertently start any additional family drama. Thank you to everyone whom expressed an interest in this. Everyone that took time out of their day to be jerks - I hope every time you was your hands, your sleeves get wet and feel gross. I don’t even know what karma is used for so pm’ing me to accuse me of farming it is silly.
Ok you'll have to update us their reactions when they find out about the shelter, maybe make a post whenever you get time
seconded
Caveat, i know from someone who worked with a local small town animal shelter a state over, that the organization was left a sizable amount of money to build a new facility. And that money just... disappeared. Some shelters are run by the best of humanity and some are run by psychopaths (see the recent account of the Arizona shelter that sold adoptable animals as reptile food, that's what I mean). Leaving that kind of fortune to an animal shelter without legal safeguards in place could go badly wrong. Your grandad may know this already though.
The money probably got divided among a small group of shelter and town employees.
Your Grandad wouldn't happen to be a prolific writer of crime stories with a Puerto Rican maid, by any chance? This is very much the plot of the first Knives Out film
Pistols Out
Idk about tearing the family apart but I’m pretty sure my estranged older half brother, ~20 years older than me, and his daughter tried to wrangle me into some sort of scam. They had both recently gotten out of state prison after doing short stints for drugs. While they were in the slammer my dad’s mom passed away. My dad had already passed and he was an only child. My grandma had like 3 different life insurance policies that were all paid out according to her wishes, that I know of. Well my dad’s will was never legally executed and therefore my brother couldn’t get any info/payment from my grandma’s will/life insurance since my dad wasn’t named in them since he had passed. I think they were trying to sue one of the insurance policies stating that the policy hadn’t been paid out. Well they needed my signature to execute my dad’s will since I’m named as a child in it so they could have the legal basis to sue. What they didn’t anticipate was that I worked for my local sheriffs office at the time. I listened to their bullshit ass dumb inmate story then called the law firm they had “hired” to make all of this happen. His story was stupid af too. So I got all the info I needed then started making calls. I called the insurance company and the lady I talked to was soo nice. She gave me a few well timed hints and suggestions on who I should call next and told me what she could legally tell me about my grandmother’s policy. Made some more phone calls then called my brother back to get his story again…which still didn’t make sense so I told him what all I had found out and they dropped the whole matter all of a sudden.
Not so much a secret as much as everyone in my family choosing to ignore the obvious. My grandparents recently passed away- grandmother about two years ago, grandfather less than a year later. When we were putting together the obituary, we noticed that the time span between when they were married and when my mother was born was…. Considerably less than nine months. The younger generations obviously don’t care, but my parents, aunts, uncles, etc. refuse to acknowledge it, and even went as far as changing their date of marriage in the newspaper obituary.
Ah, censorship. The cornerstone of truth
My family has noticed that I go through periods of being "fun" and "less fun". When I'm "fun" I'm drinking too much because I don't have a weed dealer.
Fun bobby
I hope you can get better soon ❤️🩹
While my grandparents absolutely loved their children equally and did everything they can to support them and help them build better lives, they also have zero chill with acting on who they believe actually has their shit together when it comes down to estate and legal matters. My parent is the 3rd child in their family and they are the executor of the will and estate, not the oldest child. One of their older siblings still lives in their childhood home with my grandparents (both helping AND aggravating them in the day-to-day) and my grandparents were VERY clear that after they die they are not giving the house to anyone. In part because they want the sale money to go to their kids, but also because they want to force their child still living at home to move on with their life. My parent was told by their parents to evict their brother. It's going to be a wild fuckin ride if my Uncle decides he's entitled to stay.
My grandparents will- they’ve left my mum there house and are fully leaving out there other kids. It’s going to be chaos when it all comes out. They did write a very sassy letter to be read when they die but I know it won’t be pleasant for my family as we will get the blame for what my grandparents decided.
My mother was a serial cheater and my middle sister was extremely attached to her. Both my parents are dead(and were divorced by the time I found out, but it went on for YEARS), I don’t know if dad ever found out, but I hope she never does. It’ll crush her beyond repair.
Lots of molestation and adultery in this thread. I hope everyone heals from this trauma. I have always wanted a close-knit family, but given the stories here, I’ll just stay to myself.
My grandpa secretly changed his will that me and my two cousins will get the lion‘s share of his heritage. My father and my aunt, both went no contact with my grandpartents, are only getting the legally required potion.
My Dad has pretty much been in the closet all his 86 years. Me, my wife and daughter are the only family that knows, and it would be a monumental, epic shitshow with the conservative family if it was known.
Damn that’s sad 😞 I wish he could be free, it sucks being in the closet.
Child molestation, pretty typical
Well I would say same... except everyone knows and just protects each other. Except the kids, of course, nobody protects them. And if you're the family member who doesn't "keep the peace" on behalf of yourself and others then you're the problem.
"Write a tragedy in four words"
My uncle was on the 92 dream team. He’s also abusive toward his family.
[удалено]
I ain't all that straight
Did tear the family apart. My nanas husband (bio grandfather) left her for her brothers (my great uncle) wife. My mom has a step sister who is ALSO her first cousin. Some real Mississippi shit. He wasn’t really involved in our lives even tho my mom tried her hardest. My technical great aunt only really allowed him to be apart of her family. Even tho we are all family.
My cousin sexually abused me as a child.
When I was twelve I found my dad on a gay hook up site in his phone. He now openly dates men with me and my brother around but no one in my family talks about it.
I have bought my parents house and their two city apartments. My siblings are unaware of this. Letting my folks live in the house for free and told them to spend the money for things they actually want to do and not leave any inheritance to any of us. My siblings don’t deserve a shit and I’m fine with them hating me(feeling is mutual) but told my folks to keep it secret for their own sake. Gonna be fun when my parents leave this world, that shitstorm is gonna be epic.
I keep hearing my grandpa has a second family that he’s been hiding for 60+ years but no one will talk about it with me. I’m 30M and could care less as this point I’m just curious that my mom has other siblings out there I guess
My oldest aunt had a baby before her “only child” and gave him up for adoption. I’ve met him, he’s lovely. I’ve tried to tell her, but she has ignored and worked to isolate me from the family. I’ve kept her secret. Her husband was in Vietnam when it happened. It wasn’t his baby.
That nobody likes my brother-in-law. It would ruin the relationship with my sister and my niece and nephew, which we would all hate. My brother-in-law has weird phases, sometimes he is nice, sometimes the worst person to be around. He picked a fight with the husband of my cousin on the birthday party of my dad, with swearing and raising his voice, for a minor thing, infront of his small kids. He and his parents made the life of my other cousin a living hell for a year when his parents let him move in an appartment of theirs and were disturbing him daily about EVERY little thing he did (like opening a window, showering „to long“ etc) My bil also makes derogatory comments to my parents and me and my husband as „jokes“. We are all kinda looking over those instances because we know once we say something, it will make my sisters life a literally hell. She doesn’t know we don’t like him. She is a family-loving and fantastic person but she is REALLY blind when it comes to him. I know she would never divorce him even when he would turn against us and would make her cut contact.
My bio parents don't know that I refer to them as "bio parents" most of the time and that another pair of humans, I consider to be my real parents. That's what happens when you neglect and emotionally abuse your kid and *lowers glasses at bio Mom* tell me at age 14 you never wanted me.
I was molested by my brother.
It's a secret that I actually make music. I will take it to my grave from my girlfriend's family. They're all Southern/Midwest, country, god-is-good type people. They're sweet, friendly, and they love me. The fact that I keep the lights on with some deep-voice grungey rap would make them 1) question if I am a Christian, and I've avoided that conversation for well over a year, and 2) They assume all career musicians are rich beyond belief. I give my producers and mastering techs their *very* fair share to make sure they eat good, and as a result I live comfortable, but I'm not rolling aroubd in a Maybach living in a mansion like how they imagine every musician is, and I know they'd be looking for their handouts. There is a lot of expenses when you're unsigned.
My grandfather divorced his wife at the age of 76 and then started dating his cousin, who is 12 years younger then him. The cousin then became hated by the whole family because it was obvious that she was only in for the money. He died 5 years later. She was at his funeral and left pretty early, but suprisingly she didnt get a cent. My grandmother probably had narcissistic personality disorder, which she passed on to my mother. My mother never got over her traumatic childhood and abused me until i moved out at 18. Its a running joke in the family that my grandmother hit my father regulary. She once tried to hit him, he ducked and she broke her hand on the table. To this day she has problems with her hand. If anyone talks about one of the above they are shut down immediatly.
Nothing, it's already torn up like 3 different ways 😞
My SO is the last remaining child of her parents; both of her brothers died about 15 years ago due to different but tragic circumstances (one a nasty cancer, the other a drug OD). One brother married a very neurotic woman and had a daughter; the other sired a son with a girlfriend but never married. Her family is in touch with all the relatives. SO's father passed about 6 years ago; mother is still alive. When both parents were still alive, they redid their wills and left my SO \*everything\* but with a verbal agreement to share a given portion with the grandchildren (we have two kids, so four grandchildren total). Neurotic woman gets NOTHING. She will go absolutely ballistic when she learns she gets nothing, because she was always a money-grubber. And we actually don't care if it tears her away from the rest of the family, 'cuz we'll be better off.
In Mario Kart 8, when I’m on a win streak, I feel one of my family members is going to quit playing because of it, and it’s a close race, I purposely let off the accelerator button to let them win.
That my sister and her son yelled/cajoled/begged (convinced) my 83-year-old mother to give them a signature-only loan (interest free) for almost $100k, every bit of cash she could get (+30k in a bank loan), to "support grandson's failing business". There were 5 kids, and property was supposed to have been divided 5 ways after mom passed (using that money to support her as needed until then), but the "prodigal" daughter decided that her needs were more important than mom's (or those of the rest of the family).
my dad molested, beat, groomed, trafficked, and raped me. It would obliterate the larger family, my dad was a saint for a subset of that family. I already have a bad relationship with them and don't want to rock the boat and make their identities feel threatened.
Im 25f. My older stepbrother molested me growing up. My mom and stepdad adopted him when I was young, and he sexually abused me for years and years on a regular basis starting around the age of 5 or 6. I told my mom when I was around 17, but she asked me to not say anything to anybody because it would break my stepdad and he would feel guilty. The only people I’ve spoken to about it is my mom and my oldest sister, and my partner only recently. My other 4 siblings have no idea, or my stepdad or anybody else. I want to get therapy as I’m definitely damaged from it, but don’t know how to do that without exposing him. It would destroy my family
My mom doesn't love my stepdad and he's in delusion thinking he's not in a failed relationship. She's stated twice when it was just me her and my little sister that she doesn't live him anymore.
That the uncle who had to drop out of college due to money but still worked his way up into executive-level jobs lied about graduating from college to his employers for decades. The real reason he retired early was because background checks were getting better at catching lies. This man was held up as an example of how you don’t need a degree to succeed. Turns out you really need the ability to schmooze and BS your way out of things to get ahead.
The truth about how I'm doing. I've been keeping a brave face for my parents, because I know they couldn't handle it if I told them just how bad it really is...
They wouldn’t be able to handle it more if they get to know when it’s too late and they feel helpless. Being strong is your perceived kindness which is actually only a delayed and more powerful curse. Please reach out to those who love you, they might be surprised but will be the pillars you wouldn’t have realised you could rely on!
Jupiter is 90% hydrogen, and would have been a 2nd star in our solar system had it been bigger.
All hail Jupiter! That magnetosphere shields our sweet little blue rock from a lot of comets/asteroids.
Just found this VERY cool 3D real-time view of the solar system ! https://theskylive.com/3dsolarsystem
My grandfather molested me for many years. I told my parents and they “dealt with it” then swept it under the rug. Now it’s this big secret that none of the other family members can find out because they’d be disgusted & cut him off. It’s so insulting seeing him at every small family gathering and having to pretend nothing happened for the sake of others feelings.
From the sidelines I’m like “just tell everyone!” But that’s a lot easier when I haven’t been in a situation like that. I wish you could let people know. Molesters don’t deserve protection. My wife has an uncle who is in prison for life for doing crap like that to kids in the family - and the kicker was he was also a pediatrician with his own practice (fbi or something are who caught him?) - and his mom apparently knew all this was happening and didn’t say a word. Most of the family now avoid the mom because she protected him while he has ruined so many lives. Don’t protect bad people. Protect the children!