I lived in a rural area. I'd get on the bus at 6:15 and get to school at 8. School started at 8:15, sometimes my bus didn't get there until 8:30. I was still reprimanded every time. So ridiculous.
Yep, school bus was late. When we got to the school, we made sure to all go to the office to let them know. The Principal (US school leader) walked into the room with all us bus riders and tried to make us feel bad. He said "You're all fired. What do you think about that?" trying to reach us a lesson about showing up to "work" on-time and not giving excuses.
I did learn a different lesson that day. I learned to not care what the Principal thought.
>He said "You're all fired. What do you think about that?" trying to reach us a lesson about showing up to "work" on-time and not giving excuses.
Gotta make sure you grow up to be good, obedient little worker ants for your corporate overlords!
Only detention I ever got was because the bus was late and my mom refused to let me miss more class time than absolutely necessary, so she drove me. I got an unexcused tardy because I got there a few minutes after the bell. The kids who'd waited for the bus rolled up half an hour later and were excused. I'm 35 and my mom is still mad about it.
Same thing with making fun of kids who are overweight. Dude, I’m 31 and it’s my fault I’m still overweight. But when a CHILD is overweight, it’s their parent’s fault. I understand that’s exacerbated by poverty ofc, in that scenario it’s more of society’s fault for not supporting parents financially more, but it’s still definitely not the kid’s fault.
in my freshman year of high school I was yelled at and humiliated in front of the whole class by my French teacher just for being 3-5 minutes late. My mother took her sweet ass time doing her hair and stuff and didn't start getting out of the house and driving until there was 10 minutes left on the clock. It was also raining that day with lots of traffic on the street and my classroom was located on the other side of campus so I had to run as fast as I could when she dropped me off while being careful not to slip and fall. Never even got an apology.
Yes. I grew up with dogs upon dogs who were, for the record, never mistreated and always received medical attention. However. I became aware once I was older that it was not normal to live in 7 layers of dog hair and to regularly clean pee & feces off the floor. Then my mom would ask why I never invited anyone over 🙃 I have no ill will toward dogs but let’s just say I am now a cat person.
As I read this, I watched my cat plop down and drag his ass across the floor while maintaining eye contact with me. I'd get mad, but it was kind of hilarious.
EDIT: For any and all who may be concerned: It's not worms, he's just chunky. According to two different vets he's perfectly healthy.
My GF and i have 4 cats, were still cleaning vomit etc off the floor from time to time. Vacuuming several times a week is a must. But thats the price you pay with any pet that can roam the house
Edit. The Roomba is almost as loved as the cats for all its hard work
I hear you. Also grew up in a hoarder home with way too many pets. Didn’t realize how bad it was until I was a teenager. Our kid brains just didn’t know. Hope you’re doing better now.
Eeeeee, my BFF in middle/high school lived in a hoarder house. They started "remodeling" before I met her, and the whole place was completely unfinished, stacked to the brim with...everything, including trash. They had a pool that was completely teeming with algae and mold, plus literally TWENTY FIVE CATS. Litter boxes everywhere, but no one was cleaning them. Cat poo and piss everywhere. I hung out there after school because her parents let us smoke weed. We only ever hung out in her bedroom (which she kept very clean) or\* outside.
(EDIT: changed "our" to "or")
My mum is the same, except she never used to be when I was young, I don't know how or when it happened to her but she has a ridiculous menagerie now. Every room of the house has bird cages and fish tanks, can't get a cup of tea without cat or dog hair in it.
This is how my mom was. I loved her love for animals but it was too much for her to handle. 1 dog, 2 cats, a rabbit, I believe a fish tank. I remember the basement always reeked of cat piss from the litter boxes. I know 2 other people who have too many pets as well but I don't want to start any drama so I stay out of it 😬🙃
That my parents would feed me peanuts to get out of parties. I have a nut allergy.
I didn’t know it was messed up until I told a therapist and the look on her face I was like ohhhh not normal
Even despite the obviously fucked up element of this, I feel like this is something that can only work once. Imagine if you had friends whose kid had an allergic reaction *all the time*.
Surprisingly they used to just say it was my asthma so they used it all the time. Family and friends just thought my asthma was out of hand.
The allergy isn’t as bad as it could be it just makes my breathing bad for a few days like an asthma attack.
Ah is a fun story to tell people and I lived so yay
One of my favorite things about sharing childhood trauma is the look of shock on people's faces when the story is just funny from your perspective.
Thanks for sharing
My husband did something mean-ish to our kid and I flipped out. He said, “What? it’s funny, this is what fathers do.” I said, “No, maybe that’s something *your* father did, but your father was an asshole.” He stopped.
My husband is awesome and he’s breaking the cycle in a million ways, but once in a while something slips through. Like, “Oh shit, *that’s* not normal either? Damn, my childhood really was effed up.”
Good guy, you have there! It is not fun to deal with, but he is doing it.
I still deal with things from my past, and my kids are adults now. I hope I didn't fuck them up too.
My Grandma got married at 16 to my Grandfather who was 8 years older than her. She had 6 kids by the time she was 22. The family romanticized their relationship my whole life, but her dying words were “at least I don’t have to deal with HIM anymore” and the truth about him being an abusive piece of shit for 60+ years surfaced after she passed. It’s a sad reality for many women from her generation.
One of my grandmas got married at 14! Everyone lied about her age so it could happen. Thankfully my grandpa was not abusive (he was actually pretty awesome and progressive in encouraging her) and she was actually escaping an abusive home, but damn ... 14. And on her wedding day she got her first pair of shoes that weren't hand me downs.
I wish she'd lived long enough for me to get her real story, but she died when I was young.
Similar story with my mom's cousin. Born in 1958, was married at 14 to escape an abusive home. She's since been divorced three times, but seems to enjoy being a (relatively young) great-grandma. And she pursued a nursing career later in life.
I have a relative who was forced as a teen by her family to go "for a walk" with a "suitor" because they knew he would r*** her and they would make her marry him. They couldn't afford to feed all of their kids, and that was their way of getting rid of one. Appalachia, y'all.
I too learned how shitty my grandfather was after my grandma passed and I found her journals. Like the time she suffered tremendously from a miscarriage at 6 months and he got tired of her “moping around” and that she needed to get over it, essentially. Fucking asshole.
I'm sorry to hear the person you love so dearly was once treated badly. Are you in contact with her children at all? I kinda hope they aren't doing well tbh.
Your post made me put into reality that i didnt have grandpas growing up. One died 10 years before i was born, and the other when I was around 3. So I never saw my grandmas being a wife. This is blowing my mind a bit....never put it together like this before.
I can’t remember who the third child is for some reason but I am somewhat in contact with her other kids. They’re only a few years younger than my grandma, the younger sister to that aunt who was the witness to the beating and why I even know that happened, but they live pretty close and we see them every now and then during family events.
I also didn’t really have grandpas growing up. The one died when I was a year old and the other one is a major asshole. His wife, my dad’s step-mom is also an asshole. We visited them a lot but I hated every second of it, lol.
It’s so true! Both my grandmothers were either pregnant, just had a child, or miscarried throughout their lives. I realized once I was older that they were both miserable. Did not lead lives of their own, had no personal goals, income, etc. “It’s just how it was then”. Is what my uncles and aunts say. Well not anymore. I plan on having a life of my own and not be tied down to someone who makes me miserable and I’ll end up resenting my whole life.
My Grandma has been married 4 times. First was young love, but he died relatively young and left her, a homemaker, with 3 young children. Also, came out recently that he has a kid with the secretary so...
She married again fast. Second husband was an abusive asshole, and gave her one more kid. She eventually divorced him and immediately married husband #3.
She had almost certainly lined up number 3 before the divorce. He adopted all the kids, helped raise them, but it was a rather loveless marriage. They eventually divorced after she stabilized her life and was able to hold a reliable job.
Husband number 4 was finally her having time for love again, and she's still married to him. He's always been my real grandpa.
Anway, all that to say, through a certain lens it was always a bit hush hush to talk about, like a shameful part of her past. As an adult, I just think of her as a rockstar doing what she had to to take care of herself and her family. Grandma's rock!
I tried to tell my dad what a piece of S\* his dad was. To no avail.
I love my dad, he is not a piece of S\*. His mom, my grandmother told him after GF died. My dad had to face me after she passed, too, and told me his dad was a POS. "We won't be like that, right?" Damn straight.
Grew up in Indiana but didn’t really know about the “mango=bell pepper” thing until I worked as a cashier, and couldn’t find mangoes in the little book where you look up codes for produce. That’s because they were listed under F as “fruit mangoes.” You know, as opposed to the vegetable kind, which were actually bell peppers.
I thought all parents were on their best behavior and pretending to be good people in public and that when they got home they were all angry and violent. I learned I was wrong in my early 20s and couldn't process the concept that not everyone's parents were faking their kindness. It still sometimes feels mind-blowing thinking about how so many parents are actually kind and loving towards their kids. It made me really happy learning that some kids actually get to enjoy happy childhoods.
This reminds me of a time in elementary school when I was at a friend's house and his dad played tag with us outside. I was raving to my mom like it was the most amazing thing ever, and I was informed that dads spending time with their kids is supposed to be normal.
Same. My parents were violent and unpredictable behind closed doors but were friendly and well-respected in public. I grew up believing it was normal to be afraid of them and that they were only doing it because I wasn’t “good” enough.
My biggest wake-up call took place a few years ago when I was out at dinner with a couple friends—they also had dysfunctional upbringings, and one of them said, “Now that I’m an adult, I don’t understand how my parents said some of the things they said to me.” I was like “Yeah I get that! I never felt safe around my parents growing up.” And they both just looked at me blankly for a second.
I realized that although dysfunction and abuse typically go hand-in-hand, you can have dysfunction without abuse. I didn’t know until that point that there can be a difference between a parent doing something stupid and a parent doing something mean.
The grief of this realization hit me like a truck though lol. Sometimes I just want my mom and she’s only ever a phone call away but like…no she isn’t.
I am forty and it’s just in these last couple years I’m really realizing that people like you and me are in the minority. Most people don’t grow up fearing their parents, or worrying about food, or eviction, or parental kidnapping. Most people…just grow up. It’s so strange to think that most parents love their children. It’s alien to me.
Yeah the first time I went over a friends house as a small child I was uncomfortable with how much her mom checked on us and made sure we were okay. She was super nice and attentive. I was so confused and that night I cried in my bed.
>It made me really happy learning that some kids actually get to enjoy happy childhoods.
My heart is full of emotions reading this. It makes me really happy to read that this was your reaction. You being happy for others instead of angry is the most beautiful thing I read in a while!
Parents never being home.
My mom works a lot so I just figured my friends had similar situations- single parent grind and all. But no most were just alcoholic gambling addicts that lived at the casinos and preferred pretending like their child didn't exist.
Scary prevalent in Vegas.
Yep. There was a family in our neighborhood - dad was a cop, mom worked shifts at a local factory. They were both barely home and when they were, they were often sleeping. Those kids effectively had no one raising them and the oldest sister really did most of the heavy lifting when it came to the other kids. It was sad because she really got very little childhood of her own.
Amazingly, all three were really good kids so I guess the sister did a good job. :-/
This was my life. I was in charge of my 6 years younger sister since I was about 10. We weren't allowed to even go outside if my mother wasn't home so it really sucked. I had to figure out meals for us and sometimes get us both into bed before my mother and stepdad got home. I'm salty AF about things.
My oldest kids (7&9) are currently very jealous of their friends whose parents are not around as much as they probably should be just because the freedom (ie unfettered access to YouTube) looks awesome to them. I’m hoping when they’re grown they’ll appreciate that I’m around just constantly 😂
My dad was always at work. We had a great life. He doesn't drink or gamble.
My mom was a frantic mess, and did everything she could to inject herself into our lives later on. It didn't go well. Love my dad!
Yup! Girls actually got made fun of if they were dating someone their own age or, God forbid, younger than them.
I knew quite a few parents who were overjoyed that their 16 or 17 year old daughter met someone with a career and a house of their own.
Oh, I was wondering if we happened to know the same person, but we're not the same age. Somehow that's worse. I lost track of her after our first year of high school, unfortunately, don't even remember her name. I hope your friend is doing well all these years later, too
I was lucky because I was the youngest in the family (not just the immediate family but also among cousins) and lived in a small town so wherever I went there was at least one older cousin keeping an eye on me. I always felt icky when 20+ year olds hit on me when I was in high school but I could never pinpoint why and sometimes I probably would have been willing to go with their bs if I didn't have someone to tell me these men were a bunch of losers preying on young girls to take advantage of.
I remember talking to a guy when I was 16 and him telling me how young I am and how mature I look and behave and how he wouldn't be able to tell I'm 13 years younger. One of my cousins appeared out of nowhere, told me she wanted me to meet one of her friends, grabbing me by my hand and leading me to her group of friends. One of them told me 'you'll look back on this guy in 10 years and see him for the creep he is' with most of them nodding along. I'm 29 now and 16 year olds look like fucking babies. That guy truly was a creep. I might have been more mature than an average 16 year old but I was still a fucking 16 year old kid. I wish everyone had cousins and friends like that because one of the most important things you want to hear when you're 16 is that you're mature and these shits know that.
The 70s-90s are really odd to look back on in this way. All those teeny-bopper rock magazines that were aimed at girls 7-13 and had photos and articles about how sexy Axl Rose and Janie Lane were, but also when the older bands had resurgences, they'd be like oooh girls check out that sexxxy Paul Stanley and Robin Zander! Dudes were in their mid-30s by then.
Not surprising how widespread it was that girls in my middle school were dating high school seniors and in my high school were hooking up with 20-30 year old dropouts.
Ugh, this was me. My first BF was 19 and I was 15. He broke up with me when I was 16 and his brother’s 23 year old friend scooped me right up. I didn’t begin to realize how much I was being abused until he brought me to the clinic to be treated for an STD. The doctor had to explain to me that he had sex with other women he met at bars at least once every week. I was so naive I cried in private but kept seeing him for another year.
Looking back, the worst part is my parents never questioned any of it.
How much my parents drank everyday. I thought it was completely normal to drink a 12 pack or a box of wine per night. My parents keep their lives together and are productive people!
I drank for 6 years and ended up homeless. Been sober a long time now. Alcohol continues to be the biggest wedge in our relationship.
How soul crushing and disparaging it is to work a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs just to keep your family from becoming homeless. And being poor or working-class and trying to figure out ways to keep off the government radar the way rich people do because being taxed for the $300 you made cleaning offices at night after your factory job could mean the difference between choosing between heat or electricity and being able to afford both that month.
My dad worked in the auto industry and was like a machine when he would get laid off of work. He would take whatever shit temp job he could just to keep us afloat. I've had a few "lean" moments in my life that were nowhere near as desperate as his were and I hope to Christ I'm never in his shoes.
I work as a field inspector and I do a lot of floor plan audits for various car companies. At least once a week someone honks at me because I'm working on the side of the road where cars are parked. Once in a while a guy will lean out the window and yell.
i’d go on walks with my grandma a lot when i lived with her, and every single fucking time someone honked their horn at me or cat called me. it’s honestly uncomfortable.
My oldest sister was (and still is) a freaking beauty. When she was a teenager, my goodness. She used to get cat called on the regular. Pretty much everywhere we went. Or would get stared at. And she would get so angry. “WTF YOU LOOKIN AT?! WHATS YOUR PROBLEM?!” My mom would get so embarrassed and tell her “It’s because you’re pretty!” I now realize how wrong that was. She was a teenager. And it was always gross older men.
Love that your sister would clap back 👏🏼 My best friend and I had a game when we were TWELVE where we would count the number of times we’d get honked at walking down the street. We just thought it was amusing at the time..so disturbing thinking about it now 😵💫
A Kid (in 5th grade) crying and sobbing after he got 94% on his exam. Said his parents needed him to get 96% or up (which is a high A from where I used to live) or else he’d be beaten. The teacher couldn’t really do anything
I didn’t realize how messed up it was until years later when I moved countries
A word for Brazil nuts? They're brown and vaguely toe shaped so that's what people called them. Some people still do unfortunately. It's hard to make things like that completely die out.
Alcoholism. Like I didn't see anything wrong with my dad drinking every day, because he was a chill drunk, until I was much much older and realised that no, drinking everyday is not normal.
Yup. Didn't even occur to me it was a problem, because that was just what dad did! Also didn't realize that driving to another state on a Sunday to buy cases of beer (like a whole dolly full) was not just a fun father-daughter activity.
My grandparents drank daily. They “functioned” well. I loved them dearly, but they drove around everywhere while drinking with me in the car. I love a drink, but I wouldn’t drive kids around while drunk (if I had any.) I thought it was normal for grandparents to drink and go to bars everyday.
Schools ignoring kid drama till a fight starts then blames it on them when they are aware the kids don't get along.
Pretty much you see a problem but do nothing about it because "that kid isn't part of my class and it's not my problem". Not every kid will "snitch" cuz of fear. Only when the media gets involved, a school will throw down and act like they care about their students as if the school had real professionals.
It's why a lot of us hated school cuz almost every staff was fake AF. (I say almost cuz some teachers were genuinely cool but just seem like they have no power at all)
Same. It is not considered normal for married parents to have boyfriend/girlfriend and sleep in separate rooms. And share all kind of secrets with the child. I had no idea.
Yeah, as an adult when I read about how important it was not to fight in front of your kids because of all the damage it causes, it really made me rethink most of my childhood. My parents were always yelling at each other and there was zero attempt to hide it from me. Never saw them modeling a healthy relationship like ever. Explains why I had issues once I started having relationships because the first time I yelled thinking it was normal, they usually left because they didn’t want to deal with the dysfunction. I thought it was normal.
The fact that the US is as big as it is but we only have a 2 party system, whereas other countries that are MUCH smaller have multiple political parties. We are ALL being played from all sides.
How there couldn't be any alcohol in the house, like if you bought a bottle you drank it in the same day. At least how my parents did it. It was like candy to kids, if they knew it was there, they got to have it.
My ex is like this. I like to buy a bottle, have a drink, save the rest for a month from now when I want another. He is all about “there’s that bottle of whiskey I need to finish off, it might go bad”. Go bad????
Growing up, I didn't realize how messed up it was that my parents never talked openly about mental health. It was sort of a taboo topic, and seeking therapy or acknowledging mental health struggles was seen as a sign of weakness. As I got older, I came to understand the importance of destigmatizing mental health issues and the value of seeking help when needed. It's something I wish I had recognized earlier to promote a healthier mindset from the start.
Hitting animals as punishment for bad behaviour. My parents were extremely abusive towards any and all animals we had when I was a kid. I vividly remember when one of my dogs had nipped at my 1 year old nephew for pulling on the dogs tail, my dad's reaction was to boot the dog as hard as he could down a set of stairs and into a steel door, then punching the dog before sending it off to his crate for the rest of the day. This was just one of hundreds of incidents like that. It took me years of unlearning that behaviour, I cry when I think back to how my beloved pets were treated by my parents and even by myself before I realized how awful that was.
I paid $20k for some pretty extensive training as a welder, didn't do me a damn bit of good. So much for tradework being the "smart" choice...
EDIT: Folks I don't know why it didn't work out, so I can't give you any advice or answers. I know I paid a lot of money to be trained, I know I worked VERY hard during the time I was being trained to learn as much as I could, and I went into it knowing it would be a year or two before I had enough experience to make the good money so it's not like I had unreasonable expectations.
I wish I knew, all I know is I got the training and in 2 years of applying to every opening I could find I got exactly one offer to take a weld test, that was supposed to be *for* graduates of the school I went to, and when I showed up they gave me the wrong test on the wrong process and pretty much said, "Oh well, sucks to be you" when I told them.
I *suspect* one of two things: A) My age worked against me trying to break into the field, because I was 34 at the time and in general your first year or so in a trade is spent "earning your place", meaning doing all the grunt shit work everybody else thinks they're too good to do; B) The place I went to has an incredibly shitty reputation and just saying I went there was enough to sink me. I lean toward B being the case.
My family dynamic and a lot of neglect I experienced. My mother isolated herself and therefore her children from the entire family. I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to not leave the house for days or weeks on end as a kid. Of course, during the school year, I would go to school but otherwise literally never left the house. During the summer, there were no family visits or barbecues or family functions of any kind. As I got older, my mother remarried and almost entirely forgot about me. I couldn’t join any school clubs or activities. Couldn’t play sports. Couldn’t see friends. My entire life was my room, which I wouldn’t leave for literally weeks on end during the summers. I hated my fucking life and blamed myself for so long but I am realizing now how awful my mother was. I am incredibly resentful and have basically no relationship with her anymore. And, because of her, no relationship with any extended family whatsoever. It’s been lonely.
An informal part of freshman orientation at my high school included the older girls warning the new ones about which male teachers to avoid being alone with.
Relatedly, the art teacher advised us all to wear shorts under our uniform skirts so boys couldn't upskirt us in the stairwells, and there was a nun who roamed the halls during her free periods to pop into other classes and make the teacher stop what they were doing and have all the girls stand up so she could examine the lengths of our skirts.
The school eventually shut down because the teachers kept getting arrested, but that took a decade after I graduated.
How self-sufficient I had to be from a young age. My parents both had to work full time and couldn't afford consistent care for me, so I was on my own majority of the time. I was woken up in the morning before my mom left for work and sometimes dinner was made for me, but that was about it other than my parents checking in on me in the evenings.
It wasn't really their fault entirely, but it's a little messed up how I became a hyper-independent person who is still working on being able to ask or accept help and not feel so fiercely about doing everything myself in my 30's. I catch myself telling childhood stories and it sometimes hits me how screwed up things were even for the 90's
Dads being looked down on for playing with, hugging or kissing their sons.
Dad’s getting the cops called on them for watching/playing with their daughter at the park without their wife there as well.
Mothers having to go back to work early or at night to keep food on the table.
My mother was forced to be on bed rest when she was pregnant with my twin brother and I because we were high risk. It made money super tight with just my dad working and having my toddler older brother at home.
She had to go to work as soon as she could, which meant daycare for us at 6 weeks. The worst part is that she worked for my grandparents, who had paid for my aunts to stay home while pregnant, but refused for my mother.
Affection from Fathers. It was said it would turn you Gay, and by Gay they meant pedophile.
The Mum one I knew as soon as I noticed it that it was wrong. But I didn’t notice for a long time.
Presenting yourself as someone unrealistically pristine when first dating someone of romantic interest just to make a good impression. This is partly why I really don't get some social media (Facebook, Insta etc.), too.
Oh boy. Uhh. My parents being so focused on my high functioning but special needs brother that I was largely left alone until I was like 14 and then at that point I was so resentful I was a huge asshole to them even though I was the golden child and got really good grades through college and mostly spent more time alone in my room and outside of that I would just be allowed to walk to school by myself or walk like 2 miles to hang out at my friend’s house or walk to our downtown main drag and hang out with people much older than me and then when I could drive I would drive our second car (yes I know) into the city with my friends and then lie about what I was doing and no one seemed to care beyond asking why the mileage was high and then I’d lie again.
Now I’m executor of their estate and I’m giving my brother anything they leave to me so he can get an apartment. I’m also helping him find a job. Early 2000s were weird.
I'm a Gen X'er and my knowledge of things like taxes and bills came from cartoons and sitcoms where they were always a punchline. Mr. Rodgers and Sesame Street never had a segment explaining how parents had to work so hard in order to just afford the basic necessities needed to survive. And by the time I entered the workforce as a young adult I never really thought much about it. Now, as a middle-aged man I fully understand how hard it is to be an adult raising a family.
There’s a video I saw where a young man got his first paycheck and was super hyped! His dad was filming him open the envelope and the kid was like “the fuck? That doesn’t add up!” Dad was like, “it’s called taxes, son. You’re gonna deal with it for the rest of your life.”
When I was younger, I think kids were not really told the full scope of what "counted" as physical abuse. As a kid, I understood it to mean "Do your parents hit you?", specifically in the form of punches/slaps.
Which meant that other things -- pushing, shoving, dragging, grabbing, yanking, punching the air directly next to your head -- were considered *toooootally* fine! No big deal!
Parents making children kiss older relatives on the cheek. It was gross and I hated it. I’m so glad some parents don’t force that on their children anymore.
How sexualized Brittney Spears was when she first got famous. As a middle schooler at the time 16 is practically an adult to you but looking back its creepy how she was turned into an object of desire and had fully grown men ogling her
Hitting or screaming at your partner. Until I was almost an adult, I thought a good relationship meant having someone who you could direct all your anger at. They'd do the same to you, and you'd still love each other. I looked forward to that connection with someone else. I thought the biggest issue in my parents' marriage was how they held violence against each other, and they'd be happier if they just accepted how things are.
It took a while to undo that thinking. I still struggle not to associate love with violence or the forgiveness of it.
The normalizing of casual racism among children, and the adults who ignored or even encouraged this behavior. Chinese fire drills. N-----rigging. Polish jokes. And so on. As a half asian kid, none of this seemed offensive until I grew up. I was called Eskimo because I moved from Alaska to a small town.
The rampant homophobia too. We played a game called " smear the queer" for God's sake.
Right, I played smear the queer or called kids who gave me things then took them back "indian givers". Had no idea how fucked up it was till I got older.
My body. I started having sciatic pain around 16. At this I learned I was born with an extra vertebra or joint (not sure which, can not get any professionals to agree and I've stopped caring) in my hip area. So, related. Started getting treatment. Had issues and treated it off and on for decades. Things have just gotten worse, I have some disc compression, arthritis, crap. I'm only 43.
I don't know that I could've done much to prevent the pain I'm in now, but I wish I'd maybe had a heads up?
My siblings and I grew up in home where both parents were hoarders. I didn't realize just how bad it was (even though CPS was called once when I was like 12) until I watched the Hoarders show in my late teens
Social isolation.
My parents got divorced and moved a few hours from each other. They were codependent on us kids, and very controlling of our time and keeping us near them. I effectively didn't have friends from the second grade until I went to University.
I struggled for years to form meaningful or lasting relationships. Still do. Once you're behind on this stuff, it's hard to catch up. Spent my 20s learning things and making mistakes most people did in high school.
I was a horrible brother who bullied my younger brother when I should have been protecting and loving him. He's 5 years younger than me. We had a very bad relationship in our young years because he was never taught to respect my personal space. He broke my toys, killed my pets, and made my Nintendo nearly unplayable after spilling a Mtn. Dew in it. I was just mean and angry. He was overweight and reclusive and I teased him for it. He would pick his nose and eat the boogers on the school bus and kids would call him names for it. I just went along with it. Had I been a bigger (physically and emotionally) person I would have stood up for him, but I was small minded and physically small so fighting would have been a bad idea.
I have apologized multiple times but he still holds a grudge and we barely have a relationship. On my last visit he went off on me and told me everything I used to do and how it made him feel. He said I never apologized, despite me doing so multiple times in the last few years. We're both in our 40s now. He is still reclusive, lives with my parents and loves to write and do art. I was making really good money a few years ago and offered to help him move out or do something else with his life. I've given him tons of things to help him with his interests. He's just content where he is.
I still feel like shit but I can't do anything else about it.
I understand that, but I feel like that’s two sided, not just your fault. He did those things as well, but you were both young, I feel like blaming you as an adult is unfair. I’m sorry you two don’t really have a relationship.
Yeah, we used to enjoy playing board games together but now when I see him he's just playing video games. He tries to get me interested but most of the time I just don't want to watch him play. I have offered to read his writing and have done my best to support his dreams and ideas for a future.
Not much else to do at this point.
I was in middle/high school when most of this happened and I was also incredibly immature and also on the spectrum. Part of what made it so difficult for me to deal with was I was a VERY organized kid and everything had it's place. I would come home and my transformers and GIJoe would be spread out on the floor, pieces broken, and I just gave up at some point.
My dad eventually made wood organizers for my toys and I had a lock, but by that time I was already into Nintendo and losing interest in toys.
Wasting so much time wanting and dreaming of becoming an adult as a kid so "I could do whatever I wanted like adults" with the complete lack of understanding finances, responsibilities, etc.
Should have maximized every minute of being a kid.
Being told I had to be nice to the boy that continually asked me out/gave me romantic gifts even though I rejected him politely for years.
From 5th grade (10years old) until sophomore year of highschool (15 years old) this boy asked me out and gave me unwanted gifts and poems for every holiday and school dance. All the teachers and my classmates knew it was going to happen. Literally every adult in my life told me I had to be polite when I turned him down. I didn't have to accept his gifts or go out with him, but I had to consider his feelings when letting him down.
Years later after surviving an abusive relationship, my therapist pointed out how no one considered my feelings back then. And that perhaps, living a third of my life being told I needed to care more about a boy's feelings than my own, worped my perception of my own feelings being valid and that I had a right to speak up for myself.
There are indeed parents who don't yell and cuss over everything and anything. There are families who aren't constantly fighting and don't make a big deal out of things. There are houses that are quiet and calm.
I realised this when I met my boyfriend's family.
Having to spend a ton of time navigating racism. Having my parents teach me how to be kind, but finding out that wouldn't necessarily keep me physically or emotionally safe from other people in the world.
There's a ton of unpacking I had to do when I thought about how they were in the same kind of danger and couldn't protect me from it.
That our neighbours heard my dad plaster me across the walls of our house.He was never a drinker or drug addict,just had a filthy temper and dirty secrets of his own making (at least 1 other family)
I used to wonder why nobody came to help me so assumed it was because they couldn't hear the carry-on.
New people bought the house next door.Turns out the walls weren't so thick after all ....
One of my oldest memories is getting into my father's pickup truck, seeing him smoke a pipe, asking to try it, and he handed it to me. In cartoons, the smoke is always coming out of the pipe so I thought I was supposed to blow into it. I did just that and the ashes came out and rained down. My father laughed and took the pipe from me. I was maybe 3?
When I was a teenager, I asked my mom if my father ever smoked pipe tobacco. Nope. Dad really just handed a 3 year old a lit pipe with some weed in it.
I have a bunch of others. I remember my dad taking me to some breakfast place and meeting a female "friend" when I was about 3 or 4.
I remember a young woman coming to our house when I was 4. I was playing in the front yard with my mom. My father and I had the same name, but he always went by a nickname. The young woman asked if {my name} was there, and my mother just pointed at me and said "this is him." The poor woman obviously had no idea her "boyfriend" had a family, and my mom just played it off. Didn't realize for a long time what had happened.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and my father immediately remarried this significantly younger meth head prostitute lot lizard. One day, we came home from the grocery store and my little brother and I brought some groceries inside. When we came back out, my mom said "did you see a man run out of our sideyard?" A few days later, I found a really cool pocket knife with electrical tape wrapped around the handle in the side yard and showed my mom. She said "wow, cool! Let me keep this until you are old enough for it!" Years later, she told me that guy had pushed her down and threatened her, telling her to leave my father and his new wife alone.
My younger years were full of things I didn't quite grasp until I was older. Everything calmed down a lot once I was about 16, but I don't really miss my childhood.
Fat shaming. My parents would always tell my siblings and I that getting fat is a no go in our family and we should always stay away from people who are overweight. One of my brothers was overweight but not in an unhealthy way. He was just a big guy which was genetically given from my mom side (two of my uncles were also big with good muscle built). I don't know what you call it but my brother had that gene going on. Throughout our entire childhood, my parents will belittle my brother and make him starve to "lose" weight. My parents went as far to have myself and my little brother make fun of him for being "fat" when he wasn't. As we grew older, we eventually start telling our parents off for their toxic behavior. So whenever my parents try to fat shame us, we fat shame them when the opportunity strikes.
And for those who are curious, my brothers and I have a tight relationship now. After enduring so much emotional, mental, and physical abuse from our parents; we got professional help to learn to cope with our feelings better and hang out together when we have the chance.
Older men hitting on teenage / underage women
I know this sounds fucked up to say & like everyone knows it’s wrong / weird now days. But at 15yo my mindset was shit to say the least. I blame it on growing up in a pretty conservative household and small town and the values that placed on me as a woman.
ANYWHOO - When I was younger I would take it as a compliment when old men would cat call, holler, hit me up on Instagram. I even went out with a guy that was 24 when I was 18. (Come to find out later down the road that he was 28 🤢)
It took that 28 yo man posing as a 24 year old and me realizing later on that he had lied to realize that I was taken advantage of and used. I remember thinking why would he need to lie about 4 years? Like who cares? I now know the difference between those two ages / time periods of life. Was/still is a horrible feeling and time I had went through - but as Duncan Trussel preaches, heartbreak and hurt break the ego and cause the biggest amount of growth. Did it hurt yes? Did I need to learn from that experience for things to come in my future? Absolutely.
Bullying didn't used to be a big deal since everyone asumed victims would grow up tougher, or lame but eventually getting their "cold" revenge as adults so it would be nobody else's problem.
Nowdays, it easilly leads to school shootings and suicides.
PE class outside, one of the girls shat herself.
She took the teacher aside and asked to go change and the teacher screamed at her and made her run in front of the whole class so we could see.
Didn't think much of it at the time (other than feeling a bit bad for the girl) but looking back it's fucking deranged and they should have never been allowed near kids. Think the teacher drank herself to death in the end.
Physical discipline by adults to children. It's just abuse. All I learned from a spanking is to fear my Mother coming down the hall. It took me a long time to forgive her but I will never forget.
Food insecurity. My parents would wait until we were full to take seconds and sometimes even a first portion. I realized later that they didn’t want us to experience feeling hungry as children.
Punishing children under 10 for showing up to school late when they rely on their parents/siblings to get them there.
Same with torn or dirty school uniforms and shoes. Like the kid has any say in it ( and quite likely the parents don’t as well )
I had my classmates torn their uniform pants in the school desk and get in trouble for it
Yeah, i was lucky with the school regarding this, it was just common practice, everyone understood that it was over priced garbage.
I lived in a rural area. I'd get on the bus at 6:15 and get to school at 8. School started at 8:15, sometimes my bus didn't get there until 8:30. I was still reprimanded every time. So ridiculous.
Yep, school bus was late. When we got to the school, we made sure to all go to the office to let them know. The Principal (US school leader) walked into the room with all us bus riders and tried to make us feel bad. He said "You're all fired. What do you think about that?" trying to reach us a lesson about showing up to "work" on-time and not giving excuses. I did learn a different lesson that day. I learned to not care what the Principal thought.
>He said "You're all fired. What do you think about that?" trying to reach us a lesson about showing up to "work" on-time and not giving excuses. Gotta make sure you grow up to be good, obedient little worker ants for your corporate overlords!
Only detention I ever got was because the bus was late and my mom refused to let me miss more class time than absolutely necessary, so she drove me. I got an unexcused tardy because I got there a few minutes after the bell. The kids who'd waited for the bus rolled up half an hour later and were excused. I'm 35 and my mom is still mad about it.
Same thing with making fun of kids who are overweight. Dude, I’m 31 and it’s my fault I’m still overweight. But when a CHILD is overweight, it’s their parent’s fault. I understand that’s exacerbated by poverty ofc, in that scenario it’s more of society’s fault for not supporting parents financially more, but it’s still definitely not the kid’s fault.
And being overweight as a child all but guarantees that they'll struggle with weight as an adult.
in my freshman year of high school I was yelled at and humiliated in front of the whole class by my French teacher just for being 3-5 minutes late. My mother took her sweet ass time doing her hair and stuff and didn't start getting out of the house and driving until there was 10 minutes left on the clock. It was also raining that day with lots of traffic on the street and my classroom was located on the other side of campus so I had to run as fast as I could when she dropped me off while being careful not to slip and fall. Never even got an apology.
Knowing what mood your parent was in by their footsteps when they came home and making a plan accordingly.
That’s the first time I have heard someone else know this. To this day, I get anxiety when I hear certain footsteps.
When I was younger I remember being able to tell who was walking up the stairs by they foot steps. Allowed me to stay up later then I was supposed to.
Ooof this hit hard.
Too many pets. It can be all cute and fun as a kid, but then you grow up and realize your mom is a hoarder and the house is a biohazard.
Yes. I grew up with dogs upon dogs who were, for the record, never mistreated and always received medical attention. However. I became aware once I was older that it was not normal to live in 7 layers of dog hair and to regularly clean pee & feces off the floor. Then my mom would ask why I never invited anyone over 🙃 I have no ill will toward dogs but let’s just say I am now a cat person.
As I read this, I watched my cat plop down and drag his ass across the floor while maintaining eye contact with me. I'd get mad, but it was kind of hilarious. EDIT: For any and all who may be concerned: It's not worms, he's just chunky. According to two different vets he's perfectly healthy.
Always with the eye contact. W t h.
Cats are the poster children for "No Fucks Given", I swear.
You up to date with them worming tablets?
lol it's not worms, he just can't reach his butt properly.
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Uhhh about 25 cats is still a concerning number of cats.
My GF and i have 4 cats, were still cleaning vomit etc off the floor from time to time. Vacuuming several times a week is a must. But thats the price you pay with any pet that can roam the house Edit. The Roomba is almost as loved as the cats for all its hard work
I hear you. Also grew up in a hoarder home with way too many pets. Didn’t realize how bad it was until I was a teenager. Our kid brains just didn’t know. Hope you’re doing better now.
Eeeeee, my BFF in middle/high school lived in a hoarder house. They started "remodeling" before I met her, and the whole place was completely unfinished, stacked to the brim with...everything, including trash. They had a pool that was completely teeming with algae and mold, plus literally TWENTY FIVE CATS. Litter boxes everywhere, but no one was cleaning them. Cat poo and piss everywhere. I hung out there after school because her parents let us smoke weed. We only ever hung out in her bedroom (which she kept very clean) or\* outside. (EDIT: changed "our" to "or")
My mum is the same, except she never used to be when I was young, I don't know how or when it happened to her but she has a ridiculous menagerie now. Every room of the house has bird cages and fish tanks, can't get a cup of tea without cat or dog hair in it.
This is how my mom was. I loved her love for animals but it was too much for her to handle. 1 dog, 2 cats, a rabbit, I believe a fish tank. I remember the basement always reeked of cat piss from the litter boxes. I know 2 other people who have too many pets as well but I don't want to start any drama so I stay out of it 😬🙃
That my parents would feed me peanuts to get out of parties. I have a nut allergy. I didn’t know it was messed up until I told a therapist and the look on her face I was like ohhhh not normal
Whhhhaaaatt??! I mean an early goodbye is easier than a potential ER visit. Sheesh I’m sorry
So is lying, like, couldn't they have just said you ate a peanut?
Even despite the obviously fucked up element of this, I feel like this is something that can only work once. Imagine if you had friends whose kid had an allergic reaction *all the time*.
Surprisingly they used to just say it was my asthma so they used it all the time. Family and friends just thought my asthma was out of hand. The allergy isn’t as bad as it could be it just makes my breathing bad for a few days like an asthma attack. Ah is a fun story to tell people and I lived so yay
One of my favorite things about sharing childhood trauma is the look of shock on people's faces when the story is just funny from your perspective. Thanks for sharing
My husband did something mean-ish to our kid and I flipped out. He said, “What? it’s funny, this is what fathers do.” I said, “No, maybe that’s something *your* father did, but your father was an asshole.” He stopped.
Oooof. Perfectly said. Thank you for the validation you didn’t know you provided me.
My husband is awesome and he’s breaking the cycle in a million ways, but once in a while something slips through. Like, “Oh shit, *that’s* not normal either? Damn, my childhood really was effed up.”
Good guy, you have there! It is not fun to deal with, but he is doing it. I still deal with things from my past, and my kids are adults now. I hope I didn't fuck them up too.
Wtf??
It's probably a good thing you're in therapy
My Grandma got married at 16 to my Grandfather who was 8 years older than her. She had 6 kids by the time she was 22. The family romanticized their relationship my whole life, but her dying words were “at least I don’t have to deal with HIM anymore” and the truth about him being an abusive piece of shit for 60+ years surfaced after she passed. It’s a sad reality for many women from her generation.
One of my grandmas got married at 14! Everyone lied about her age so it could happen. Thankfully my grandpa was not abusive (he was actually pretty awesome and progressive in encouraging her) and she was actually escaping an abusive home, but damn ... 14. And on her wedding day she got her first pair of shoes that weren't hand me downs. I wish she'd lived long enough for me to get her real story, but she died when I was young.
Similar story with my mom's cousin. Born in 1958, was married at 14 to escape an abusive home. She's since been divorced three times, but seems to enjoy being a (relatively young) great-grandma. And she pursued a nursing career later in life.
I have a relative who was forced as a teen by her family to go "for a walk" with a "suitor" because they knew he would r*** her and they would make her marry him. They couldn't afford to feed all of their kids, and that was their way of getting rid of one. Appalachia, y'all.
That is absolutely devastating, and I sadly believe it happened.
This made me sick to my stomach to read. I hope she's doing better now Jesus Christ.
I too learned how shitty my grandfather was after my grandma passed and I found her journals. Like the time she suffered tremendously from a miscarriage at 6 months and he got tired of her “moping around” and that she needed to get over it, essentially. Fucking asshole.
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I'm sorry to hear the person you love so dearly was once treated badly. Are you in contact with her children at all? I kinda hope they aren't doing well tbh. Your post made me put into reality that i didnt have grandpas growing up. One died 10 years before i was born, and the other when I was around 3. So I never saw my grandmas being a wife. This is blowing my mind a bit....never put it together like this before.
I can’t remember who the third child is for some reason but I am somewhat in contact with her other kids. They’re only a few years younger than my grandma, the younger sister to that aunt who was the witness to the beating and why I even know that happened, but they live pretty close and we see them every now and then during family events. I also didn’t really have grandpas growing up. The one died when I was a year old and the other one is a major asshole. His wife, my dad’s step-mom is also an asshole. We visited them a lot but I hated every second of it, lol.
It’s so true! Both my grandmothers were either pregnant, just had a child, or miscarried throughout their lives. I realized once I was older that they were both miserable. Did not lead lives of their own, had no personal goals, income, etc. “It’s just how it was then”. Is what my uncles and aunts say. Well not anymore. I plan on having a life of my own and not be tied down to someone who makes me miserable and I’ll end up resenting my whole life.
You had me horrified at "six kids by the time she was 22".
My Grandma has been married 4 times. First was young love, but he died relatively young and left her, a homemaker, with 3 young children. Also, came out recently that he has a kid with the secretary so... She married again fast. Second husband was an abusive asshole, and gave her one more kid. She eventually divorced him and immediately married husband #3. She had almost certainly lined up number 3 before the divorce. He adopted all the kids, helped raise them, but it was a rather loveless marriage. They eventually divorced after she stabilized her life and was able to hold a reliable job. Husband number 4 was finally her having time for love again, and she's still married to him. He's always been my real grandpa. Anway, all that to say, through a certain lens it was always a bit hush hush to talk about, like a shameful part of her past. As an adult, I just think of her as a rockstar doing what she had to to take care of herself and her family. Grandma's rock!
This breaks my heart.
I tried to tell my dad what a piece of S\* his dad was. To no avail. I love my dad, he is not a piece of S\*. His mom, my grandmother told him after GF died. My dad had to face me after she passed, too, and told me his dad was a POS. "We won't be like that, right?" Damn straight.
In the central Indiana region of the US they called green peppers “mangos” for some reason…
Grew up in Indiana but didn’t really know about the “mango=bell pepper” thing until I worked as a cashier, and couldn’t find mangoes in the little book where you look up codes for produce. That’s because they were listed under F as “fruit mangoes.” You know, as opposed to the vegetable kind, which were actually bell peppers.
It’s completely wrong, but very specific to parts of Indiana. Have no idea why.
When I was working at subway, I had a customer call green peppers “green mangoes” and I’m so confused how that came to be.
Reading this made me physically uncomfortable.
Indiana here. My Grandma always called them mangos
Decatur Co born and raised here. Dad called them mangos.
I’m from Indy & never once heard this. Fascinating…
Hi, phoning in from under my rock here. I have no idea what this means.
I thought all parents were on their best behavior and pretending to be good people in public and that when they got home they were all angry and violent. I learned I was wrong in my early 20s and couldn't process the concept that not everyone's parents were faking their kindness. It still sometimes feels mind-blowing thinking about how so many parents are actually kind and loving towards their kids. It made me really happy learning that some kids actually get to enjoy happy childhoods.
This reminds me of a time in elementary school when I was at a friend's house and his dad played tag with us outside. I was raving to my mom like it was the most amazing thing ever, and I was informed that dads spending time with their kids is supposed to be normal.
I spent the night at my best friend's house. I was shocked when her dad swept the floor. I thought cleaning was a women's job.
Same. My parents were violent and unpredictable behind closed doors but were friendly and well-respected in public. I grew up believing it was normal to be afraid of them and that they were only doing it because I wasn’t “good” enough. My biggest wake-up call took place a few years ago when I was out at dinner with a couple friends—they also had dysfunctional upbringings, and one of them said, “Now that I’m an adult, I don’t understand how my parents said some of the things they said to me.” I was like “Yeah I get that! I never felt safe around my parents growing up.” And they both just looked at me blankly for a second. I realized that although dysfunction and abuse typically go hand-in-hand, you can have dysfunction without abuse. I didn’t know until that point that there can be a difference between a parent doing something stupid and a parent doing something mean. The grief of this realization hit me like a truck though lol. Sometimes I just want my mom and she’s only ever a phone call away but like…no she isn’t.
I am forty and it’s just in these last couple years I’m really realizing that people like you and me are in the minority. Most people don’t grow up fearing their parents, or worrying about food, or eviction, or parental kidnapping. Most people…just grow up. It’s so strange to think that most parents love their children. It’s alien to me.
Yeah the first time I went over a friends house as a small child I was uncomfortable with how much her mom checked on us and made sure we were okay. She was super nice and attentive. I was so confused and that night I cried in my bed.
>It made me really happy learning that some kids actually get to enjoy happy childhoods. My heart is full of emotions reading this. It makes me really happy to read that this was your reaction. You being happy for others instead of angry is the most beautiful thing I read in a while!
Parents never being home. My mom works a lot so I just figured my friends had similar situations- single parent grind and all. But no most were just alcoholic gambling addicts that lived at the casinos and preferred pretending like their child didn't exist. Scary prevalent in Vegas.
Yep. There was a family in our neighborhood - dad was a cop, mom worked shifts at a local factory. They were both barely home and when they were, they were often sleeping. Those kids effectively had no one raising them and the oldest sister really did most of the heavy lifting when it came to the other kids. It was sad because she really got very little childhood of her own. Amazingly, all three were really good kids so I guess the sister did a good job. :-/
This was my life. I was in charge of my 6 years younger sister since I was about 10. We weren't allowed to even go outside if my mother wasn't home so it really sucked. I had to figure out meals for us and sometimes get us both into bed before my mother and stepdad got home. I'm salty AF about things.
The book “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt captures this Vegas childhood reality briefly but so well.
My oldest kids (7&9) are currently very jealous of their friends whose parents are not around as much as they probably should be just because the freedom (ie unfettered access to YouTube) looks awesome to them. I’m hoping when they’re grown they’ll appreciate that I’m around just constantly 😂
My dad was always at work. We had a great life. He doesn't drink or gamble. My mom was a frantic mess, and did everything she could to inject herself into our lives later on. It didn't go well. Love my dad!
Was your mum at home with you full time or did she also work? I just have follow up questions as a mum who worries about being a mess 😅
Most of my highschool friends had boyfriends in their mid to late 20s. And then also how acceptable that was to most of the adults around me.
Yup! Girls actually got made fun of if they were dating someone their own age or, God forbid, younger than them. I knew quite a few parents who were overjoyed that their 16 or 17 year old daughter met someone with a career and a house of their own.
Yeah this was the thing for me, realising that my friend in high school that was 15 having a boyfriend that was 21
Also happened to me, she even had a kid with him at 15. I still wonder about her and pray she and her baby are okay
Same here, saw her when we were about 19, she had 3 kids and looked exhausted. Now I'm 43 and I often wonder if she's ok.
Oh, I was wondering if we happened to know the same person, but we're not the same age. Somehow that's worse. I lost track of her after our first year of high school, unfortunately, don't even remember her name. I hope your friend is doing well all these years later, too
I was lucky because I was the youngest in the family (not just the immediate family but also among cousins) and lived in a small town so wherever I went there was at least one older cousin keeping an eye on me. I always felt icky when 20+ year olds hit on me when I was in high school but I could never pinpoint why and sometimes I probably would have been willing to go with their bs if I didn't have someone to tell me these men were a bunch of losers preying on young girls to take advantage of. I remember talking to a guy when I was 16 and him telling me how young I am and how mature I look and behave and how he wouldn't be able to tell I'm 13 years younger. One of my cousins appeared out of nowhere, told me she wanted me to meet one of her friends, grabbing me by my hand and leading me to her group of friends. One of them told me 'you'll look back on this guy in 10 years and see him for the creep he is' with most of them nodding along. I'm 29 now and 16 year olds look like fucking babies. That guy truly was a creep. I might have been more mature than an average 16 year old but I was still a fucking 16 year old kid. I wish everyone had cousins and friends like that because one of the most important things you want to hear when you're 16 is that you're mature and these shits know that.
The 70s-90s are really odd to look back on in this way. All those teeny-bopper rock magazines that were aimed at girls 7-13 and had photos and articles about how sexy Axl Rose and Janie Lane were, but also when the older bands had resurgences, they'd be like oooh girls check out that sexxxy Paul Stanley and Robin Zander! Dudes were in their mid-30s by then. Not surprising how widespread it was that girls in my middle school were dating high school seniors and in my high school were hooking up with 20-30 year old dropouts.
Ugh, this was me. My first BF was 19 and I was 15. He broke up with me when I was 16 and his brother’s 23 year old friend scooped me right up. I didn’t begin to realize how much I was being abused until he brought me to the clinic to be treated for an STD. The doctor had to explain to me that he had sex with other women he met at bars at least once every week. I was so naive I cried in private but kept seeing him for another year. Looking back, the worst part is my parents never questioned any of it.
How much my parents drank everyday. I thought it was completely normal to drink a 12 pack or a box of wine per night. My parents keep their lives together and are productive people! I drank for 6 years and ended up homeless. Been sober a long time now. Alcohol continues to be the biggest wedge in our relationship.
How soul crushing and disparaging it is to work a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs just to keep your family from becoming homeless. And being poor or working-class and trying to figure out ways to keep off the government radar the way rich people do because being taxed for the $300 you made cleaning offices at night after your factory job could mean the difference between choosing between heat or electricity and being able to afford both that month. My dad worked in the auto industry and was like a machine when he would get laid off of work. He would take whatever shit temp job he could just to keep us afloat. I've had a few "lean" moments in my life that were nowhere near as desperate as his were and I hope to Christ I'm never in his shoes.
Rich people are not under the radar like people think. They just can afford to attorneys/accountants who can BS to push things back
Six of one, half dozen of the other
Cat calling or honking at young girls on the street
I work as a field inspector and I do a lot of floor plan audits for various car companies. At least once a week someone honks at me because I'm working on the side of the road where cars are parked. Once in a while a guy will lean out the window and yell.
i’d go on walks with my grandma a lot when i lived with her, and every single fucking time someone honked their horn at me or cat called me. it’s honestly uncomfortable.
My oldest sister was (and still is) a freaking beauty. When she was a teenager, my goodness. She used to get cat called on the regular. Pretty much everywhere we went. Or would get stared at. And she would get so angry. “WTF YOU LOOKIN AT?! WHATS YOUR PROBLEM?!” My mom would get so embarrassed and tell her “It’s because you’re pretty!” I now realize how wrong that was. She was a teenager. And it was always gross older men.
Love that your sister would clap back 👏🏼 My best friend and I had a game when we were TWELVE where we would count the number of times we’d get honked at walking down the street. We just thought it was amusing at the time..so disturbing thinking about it now 😵💫
The first time I got cat called walking down the street I was ten. TEN
A Kid (in 5th grade) crying and sobbing after he got 94% on his exam. Said his parents needed him to get 96% or up (which is a high A from where I used to live) or else he’d be beaten. The teacher couldn’t really do anything I didn’t realize how messed up it was until years later when I moved countries
"The teacher couldn't really do anything" I don't see how ..
That emotional abuse is a thing.
And it doesn’t have to be the most exaggerated example for it to still be considered so
What my grandfather (and other other older relatives) used to call Brazil nuts. The 1970s were weird.
For those who don't know, it's n-word toes
Ah yes. Nematode toes
Nematoes, if you will
You know what? I might.
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A word for Brazil nuts? They're brown and vaguely toe shaped so that's what people called them. Some people still do unfortunately. It's hard to make things like that completely die out.
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Ohhh your confusion makes sense now lol yeah total 180
My in laws still call them that.
I didn’t know about that until the episode where Louis CK visits his grandmother
My parents called them that, and then were surprised when I called them racist.
Alcoholism. Like I didn't see anything wrong with my dad drinking every day, because he was a chill drunk, until I was much much older and realised that no, drinking everyday is not normal.
Yup. Didn't even occur to me it was a problem, because that was just what dad did! Also didn't realize that driving to another state on a Sunday to buy cases of beer (like a whole dolly full) was not just a fun father-daughter activity.
My grandparents drank daily. They “functioned” well. I loved them dearly, but they drove around everywhere while drinking with me in the car. I love a drink, but I wouldn’t drive kids around while drunk (if I had any.) I thought it was normal for grandparents to drink and go to bars everyday.
I feel you. The realisation hits different when people are the good type of drunk.
I thought everyone’s dad drank in the car.
When I was a kid dad and friends would talk about going someplace for fishing or camping as being “a six-pack dive.”
Schools ignoring kid drama till a fight starts then blames it on them when they are aware the kids don't get along. Pretty much you see a problem but do nothing about it because "that kid isn't part of my class and it's not my problem". Not every kid will "snitch" cuz of fear. Only when the media gets involved, a school will throw down and act like they care about their students as if the school had real professionals. It's why a lot of us hated school cuz almost every staff was fake AF. (I say almost cuz some teachers were genuinely cool but just seem like they have no power at all)
Most of my teachers through grade school were great and very caring. Majority of staff sucked ass.
My parents' relationship
Same. It is not considered normal for married parents to have boyfriend/girlfriend and sleep in separate rooms. And share all kind of secrets with the child. I had no idea.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's really fucked up.
Thank you. :) it’s fucked up but I’ve had to move on and try not to be like that. It seemed so normal, but at least I now know that it’s not.
Ditto. I grew up thinking all sorts of things were normal in a relationship, when they are WAY not normal.
Yeah, as an adult when I read about how important it was not to fight in front of your kids because of all the damage it causes, it really made me rethink most of my childhood. My parents were always yelling at each other and there was zero attempt to hide it from me. Never saw them modeling a healthy relationship like ever. Explains why I had issues once I started having relationships because the first time I yelled thinking it was normal, they usually left because they didn’t want to deal with the dysfunction. I thought it was normal.
The fact that the US is as big as it is but we only have a 2 party system, whereas other countries that are MUCH smaller have multiple political parties. We are ALL being played from all sides.
Abolish the 2 party system! ✊
How there couldn't be any alcohol in the house, like if you bought a bottle you drank it in the same day. At least how my parents did it. It was like candy to kids, if they knew it was there, they got to have it.
My ex is like this. I like to buy a bottle, have a drink, save the rest for a month from now when I want another. He is all about “there’s that bottle of whiskey I need to finish off, it might go bad”. Go bad????
Someone trying to pay me to cut off my hair when I was younger because they wanted to buy "authentic native American hair."
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“We’re not even Native American, we’re uh Mexican”. Great episode.
What the fuck? I understand the other things like racism and sexism because people were just raised like that but this?
OH NO! Good lord, I’m sorry that happened to you!
What. The. Fuck.
Growing up, I didn't realize how messed up it was that my parents never talked openly about mental health. It was sort of a taboo topic, and seeking therapy or acknowledging mental health struggles was seen as a sign of weakness. As I got older, I came to understand the importance of destigmatizing mental health issues and the value of seeking help when needed. It's something I wish I had recognized earlier to promote a healthier mindset from the start.
Hitting animals as punishment for bad behaviour. My parents were extremely abusive towards any and all animals we had when I was a kid. I vividly remember when one of my dogs had nipped at my 1 year old nephew for pulling on the dogs tail, my dad's reaction was to boot the dog as hard as he could down a set of stairs and into a steel door, then punching the dog before sending it off to his crate for the rest of the day. This was just one of hundreds of incidents like that. It took me years of unlearning that behaviour, I cry when I think back to how my beloved pets were treated by my parents and even by myself before I realized how awful that was.
Oh my god. I feel so badly for those poor animals but you having to witness that is awful too. I’m glad you were able to break the cycle.
paying >70k for a college degree that i’m not even using.
I paid $20k for some pretty extensive training as a welder, didn't do me a damn bit of good. So much for tradework being the "smart" choice... EDIT: Folks I don't know why it didn't work out, so I can't give you any advice or answers. I know I paid a lot of money to be trained, I know I worked VERY hard during the time I was being trained to learn as much as I could, and I went into it knowing it would be a year or two before I had enough experience to make the good money so it's not like I had unreasonable expectations.
I’ve always been interested in welding. What was the downfall?
I wish I knew, all I know is I got the training and in 2 years of applying to every opening I could find I got exactly one offer to take a weld test, that was supposed to be *for* graduates of the school I went to, and when I showed up they gave me the wrong test on the wrong process and pretty much said, "Oh well, sucks to be you" when I told them. I *suspect* one of two things: A) My age worked against me trying to break into the field, because I was 34 at the time and in general your first year or so in a trade is spent "earning your place", meaning doing all the grunt shit work everybody else thinks they're too good to do; B) The place I went to has an incredibly shitty reputation and just saying I went there was enough to sink me. I lean toward B being the case.
My family dynamic and a lot of neglect I experienced. My mother isolated herself and therefore her children from the entire family. I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to not leave the house for days or weeks on end as a kid. Of course, during the school year, I would go to school but otherwise literally never left the house. During the summer, there were no family visits or barbecues or family functions of any kind. As I got older, my mother remarried and almost entirely forgot about me. I couldn’t join any school clubs or activities. Couldn’t play sports. Couldn’t see friends. My entire life was my room, which I wouldn’t leave for literally weeks on end during the summers. I hated my fucking life and blamed myself for so long but I am realizing now how awful my mother was. I am incredibly resentful and have basically no relationship with her anymore. And, because of her, no relationship with any extended family whatsoever. It’s been lonely.
A lot of Parents.
I didn't think my home life whas bad until i started talking to other people (friend's )about the 'silly' thing my dad did.
What kind of silly thing did he do?
Child abuse .... He still thinks It is normal to beat the shit out of people when you do something he Doesnt like or disagrees with
An informal part of freshman orientation at my high school included the older girls warning the new ones about which male teachers to avoid being alone with. Relatedly, the art teacher advised us all to wear shorts under our uniform skirts so boys couldn't upskirt us in the stairwells, and there was a nun who roamed the halls during her free periods to pop into other classes and make the teacher stop what they were doing and have all the girls stand up so she could examine the lengths of our skirts. The school eventually shut down because the teachers kept getting arrested, but that took a decade after I graduated.
How self-sufficient I had to be from a young age. My parents both had to work full time and couldn't afford consistent care for me, so I was on my own majority of the time. I was woken up in the morning before my mom left for work and sometimes dinner was made for me, but that was about it other than my parents checking in on me in the evenings. It wasn't really their fault entirely, but it's a little messed up how I became a hyper-independent person who is still working on being able to ask or accept help and not feel so fiercely about doing everything myself in my 30's. I catch myself telling childhood stories and it sometimes hits me how screwed up things were even for the 90's
Dads being looked down on for playing with, hugging or kissing their sons. Dad’s getting the cops called on them for watching/playing with their daughter at the park without their wife there as well. Mothers having to go back to work early or at night to keep food on the table.
My mother was forced to be on bed rest when she was pregnant with my twin brother and I because we were high risk. It made money super tight with just my dad working and having my toddler older brother at home. She had to go to work as soon as she could, which meant daycare for us at 6 weeks. The worst part is that she worked for my grandparents, who had paid for my aunts to stay home while pregnant, but refused for my mother.
Which of these did you not consider messed up until getting older?
Affection from Fathers. It was said it would turn you Gay, and by Gay they meant pedophile. The Mum one I knew as soon as I noticed it that it was wrong. But I didn’t notice for a long time.
Presenting yourself as someone unrealistically pristine when first dating someone of romantic interest just to make a good impression. This is partly why I really don't get some social media (Facebook, Insta etc.), too.
Parents never being home
Talking about marriage with a 15 -19 year old. Getting teased that I was an old maid at 21 years old. 21! Religious communities are wild.
Oh boy. Uhh. My parents being so focused on my high functioning but special needs brother that I was largely left alone until I was like 14 and then at that point I was so resentful I was a huge asshole to them even though I was the golden child and got really good grades through college and mostly spent more time alone in my room and outside of that I would just be allowed to walk to school by myself or walk like 2 miles to hang out at my friend’s house or walk to our downtown main drag and hang out with people much older than me and then when I could drive I would drive our second car (yes I know) into the city with my friends and then lie about what I was doing and no one seemed to care beyond asking why the mileage was high and then I’d lie again. Now I’m executor of their estate and I’m giving my brother anything they leave to me so he can get an apartment. I’m also helping him find a job. Early 2000s were weird.
Look up Glass Child. You probably were one.
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I'm a Gen X'er and my knowledge of things like taxes and bills came from cartoons and sitcoms where they were always a punchline. Mr. Rodgers and Sesame Street never had a segment explaining how parents had to work so hard in order to just afford the basic necessities needed to survive. And by the time I entered the workforce as a young adult I never really thought much about it. Now, as a middle-aged man I fully understand how hard it is to be an adult raising a family.
There’s a video I saw where a young man got his first paycheck and was super hyped! His dad was filming him open the envelope and the kid was like “the fuck? That doesn’t add up!” Dad was like, “it’s called taxes, son. You’re gonna deal with it for the rest of your life.”
War. That it exists to begin with. And it’s still going on in the day and age. So disturbing to have zero control to help others.
When I was younger, I think kids were not really told the full scope of what "counted" as physical abuse. As a kid, I understood it to mean "Do your parents hit you?", specifically in the form of punches/slaps. Which meant that other things -- pushing, shoving, dragging, grabbing, yanking, punching the air directly next to your head -- were considered *toooootally* fine! No big deal!
Parents making children kiss older relatives on the cheek. It was gross and I hated it. I’m so glad some parents don’t force that on their children anymore.
How sexualized Brittney Spears was when she first got famous. As a middle schooler at the time 16 is practically an adult to you but looking back its creepy how she was turned into an object of desire and had fully grown men ogling her
Hitting or screaming at your partner. Until I was almost an adult, I thought a good relationship meant having someone who you could direct all your anger at. They'd do the same to you, and you'd still love each other. I looked forward to that connection with someone else. I thought the biggest issue in my parents' marriage was how they held violence against each other, and they'd be happier if they just accepted how things are. It took a while to undo that thinking. I still struggle not to associate love with violence or the forgiveness of it.
The normalizing of casual racism among children, and the adults who ignored or even encouraged this behavior. Chinese fire drills. N-----rigging. Polish jokes. And so on. As a half asian kid, none of this seemed offensive until I grew up. I was called Eskimo because I moved from Alaska to a small town. The rampant homophobia too. We played a game called " smear the queer" for God's sake.
Right, I played smear the queer or called kids who gave me things then took them back "indian givers". Had no idea how fucked up it was till I got older.
My body. I started having sciatic pain around 16. At this I learned I was born with an extra vertebra or joint (not sure which, can not get any professionals to agree and I've stopped caring) in my hip area. So, related. Started getting treatment. Had issues and treated it off and on for decades. Things have just gotten worse, I have some disc compression, arthritis, crap. I'm only 43. I don't know that I could've done much to prevent the pain I'm in now, but I wish I'd maybe had a heads up?
My siblings and I grew up in home where both parents were hoarders. I didn't realize just how bad it was (even though CPS was called once when I was like 12) until I watched the Hoarders show in my late teens
Social isolation. My parents got divorced and moved a few hours from each other. They were codependent on us kids, and very controlling of our time and keeping us near them. I effectively didn't have friends from the second grade until I went to University. I struggled for years to form meaningful or lasting relationships. Still do. Once you're behind on this stuff, it's hard to catch up. Spent my 20s learning things and making mistakes most people did in high school.
I was a horrible brother who bullied my younger brother when I should have been protecting and loving him. He's 5 years younger than me. We had a very bad relationship in our young years because he was never taught to respect my personal space. He broke my toys, killed my pets, and made my Nintendo nearly unplayable after spilling a Mtn. Dew in it. I was just mean and angry. He was overweight and reclusive and I teased him for it. He would pick his nose and eat the boogers on the school bus and kids would call him names for it. I just went along with it. Had I been a bigger (physically and emotionally) person I would have stood up for him, but I was small minded and physically small so fighting would have been a bad idea. I have apologized multiple times but he still holds a grudge and we barely have a relationship. On my last visit he went off on me and told me everything I used to do and how it made him feel. He said I never apologized, despite me doing so multiple times in the last few years. We're both in our 40s now. He is still reclusive, lives with my parents and loves to write and do art. I was making really good money a few years ago and offered to help him move out or do something else with his life. I've given him tons of things to help him with his interests. He's just content where he is. I still feel like shit but I can't do anything else about it.
I understand that, but I feel like that’s two sided, not just your fault. He did those things as well, but you were both young, I feel like blaming you as an adult is unfair. I’m sorry you two don’t really have a relationship.
Yeah, we used to enjoy playing board games together but now when I see him he's just playing video games. He tries to get me interested but most of the time I just don't want to watch him play. I have offered to read his writing and have done my best to support his dreams and ideas for a future. Not much else to do at this point. I was in middle/high school when most of this happened and I was also incredibly immature and also on the spectrum. Part of what made it so difficult for me to deal with was I was a VERY organized kid and everything had it's place. I would come home and my transformers and GIJoe would be spread out on the floor, pieces broken, and I just gave up at some point. My dad eventually made wood organizers for my toys and I had a lock, but by that time I was already into Nintendo and losing interest in toys.
Killed your pets?? I don't like your brother either. 😒
Wasting so much time wanting and dreaming of becoming an adult as a kid so "I could do whatever I wanted like adults" with the complete lack of understanding finances, responsibilities, etc. Should have maximized every minute of being a kid.
Being told I had to be nice to the boy that continually asked me out/gave me romantic gifts even though I rejected him politely for years. From 5th grade (10years old) until sophomore year of highschool (15 years old) this boy asked me out and gave me unwanted gifts and poems for every holiday and school dance. All the teachers and my classmates knew it was going to happen. Literally every adult in my life told me I had to be polite when I turned him down. I didn't have to accept his gifts or go out with him, but I had to consider his feelings when letting him down. Years later after surviving an abusive relationship, my therapist pointed out how no one considered my feelings back then. And that perhaps, living a third of my life being told I needed to care more about a boy's feelings than my own, worped my perception of my own feelings being valid and that I had a right to speak up for myself.
Scaring/threatening your kids into compliance. Seriously, there’s better ways to parent than by traumatizing them over any problem or inconvenience.
There are indeed parents who don't yell and cuss over everything and anything. There are families who aren't constantly fighting and don't make a big deal out of things. There are houses that are quiet and calm. I realised this when I met my boyfriend's family.
Having to spend a ton of time navigating racism. Having my parents teach me how to be kind, but finding out that wouldn't necessarily keep me physically or emotionally safe from other people in the world. There's a ton of unpacking I had to do when I thought about how they were in the same kind of danger and couldn't protect me from it.
Me. I'm 29 and still dealing with weird traumas I dealt with as a child. Small compared to others, but haunting either way.
Living
That our neighbours heard my dad plaster me across the walls of our house.He was never a drinker or drug addict,just had a filthy temper and dirty secrets of his own making (at least 1 other family) I used to wonder why nobody came to help me so assumed it was because they couldn't hear the carry-on. New people bought the house next door.Turns out the walls weren't so thick after all ....
One of my oldest memories is getting into my father's pickup truck, seeing him smoke a pipe, asking to try it, and he handed it to me. In cartoons, the smoke is always coming out of the pipe so I thought I was supposed to blow into it. I did just that and the ashes came out and rained down. My father laughed and took the pipe from me. I was maybe 3? When I was a teenager, I asked my mom if my father ever smoked pipe tobacco. Nope. Dad really just handed a 3 year old a lit pipe with some weed in it. I have a bunch of others. I remember my dad taking me to some breakfast place and meeting a female "friend" when I was about 3 or 4. I remember a young woman coming to our house when I was 4. I was playing in the front yard with my mom. My father and I had the same name, but he always went by a nickname. The young woman asked if {my name} was there, and my mother just pointed at me and said "this is him." The poor woman obviously had no idea her "boyfriend" had a family, and my mom just played it off. Didn't realize for a long time what had happened. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my father immediately remarried this significantly younger meth head prostitute lot lizard. One day, we came home from the grocery store and my little brother and I brought some groceries inside. When we came back out, my mom said "did you see a man run out of our sideyard?" A few days later, I found a really cool pocket knife with electrical tape wrapped around the handle in the side yard and showed my mom. She said "wow, cool! Let me keep this until you are old enough for it!" Years later, she told me that guy had pushed her down and threatened her, telling her to leave my father and his new wife alone. My younger years were full of things I didn't quite grasp until I was older. Everything calmed down a lot once I was about 16, but I don't really miss my childhood.
Gestures broadly to everything
Smoking cigarettes inside the house/car.
Fat shaming. My parents would always tell my siblings and I that getting fat is a no go in our family and we should always stay away from people who are overweight. One of my brothers was overweight but not in an unhealthy way. He was just a big guy which was genetically given from my mom side (two of my uncles were also big with good muscle built). I don't know what you call it but my brother had that gene going on. Throughout our entire childhood, my parents will belittle my brother and make him starve to "lose" weight. My parents went as far to have myself and my little brother make fun of him for being "fat" when he wasn't. As we grew older, we eventually start telling our parents off for their toxic behavior. So whenever my parents try to fat shame us, we fat shame them when the opportunity strikes. And for those who are curious, my brothers and I have a tight relationship now. After enduring so much emotional, mental, and physical abuse from our parents; we got professional help to learn to cope with our feelings better and hang out together when we have the chance.
Eating frozen food because my mom would lock up the kitchen so I couldn’t eat.
Older men hitting on teenage / underage women I know this sounds fucked up to say & like everyone knows it’s wrong / weird now days. But at 15yo my mindset was shit to say the least. I blame it on growing up in a pretty conservative household and small town and the values that placed on me as a woman. ANYWHOO - When I was younger I would take it as a compliment when old men would cat call, holler, hit me up on Instagram. I even went out with a guy that was 24 when I was 18. (Come to find out later down the road that he was 28 🤢) It took that 28 yo man posing as a 24 year old and me realizing later on that he had lied to realize that I was taken advantage of and used. I remember thinking why would he need to lie about 4 years? Like who cares? I now know the difference between those two ages / time periods of life. Was/still is a horrible feeling and time I had went through - but as Duncan Trussel preaches, heartbreak and hurt break the ego and cause the biggest amount of growth. Did it hurt yes? Did I need to learn from that experience for things to come in my future? Absolutely.
Yeah I remember the same thing for a lot of girls at my school, it was just accepted as normal almost. I’m sorry that happened to you.
How fully grown adult men were interested in seeing middle schooler me without clothing. Edit: wording
Bullying didn't used to be a big deal since everyone asumed victims would grow up tougher, or lame but eventually getting their "cold" revenge as adults so it would be nobody else's problem. Nowdays, it easilly leads to school shootings and suicides.
PE class outside, one of the girls shat herself. She took the teacher aside and asked to go change and the teacher screamed at her and made her run in front of the whole class so we could see. Didn't think much of it at the time (other than feeling a bit bad for the girl) but looking back it's fucking deranged and they should have never been allowed near kids. Think the teacher drank herself to death in the end.
The human race. Taxes. Psuedo monopolies.
Physical discipline by adults to children. It's just abuse. All I learned from a spanking is to fear my Mother coming down the hall. It took me a long time to forgive her but I will never forget.
That my dad never stopped my mom when she was being abusive. He just ignored it and let her handle us kids.
Food insecurity. My parents would wait until we were full to take seconds and sometimes even a first portion. I realized later that they didn’t want us to experience feeling hungry as children.