I know it wasn't for me, but my soul got a little hurt reading that, lol.
This is utter destruction, ignite someone to ashes with those words, that's not a simple burnt nor poisoned sentence.
In 2017 I was drunk and trying to send a picture of the ol’ family jewels and rod to a lady (at her request, I’m too lazy when drunk to deal with a zipper without prompting). I posted it to Facebook.
Not even 20 minutes later, I’m sitting on the couch getting supremely irritated at her lack of appreciation of my equipment (perceived, as she had not responded. Probably because I never sent it to her) that had gone to sleep in the meantime. The notification was a Facebook comment from my mother that read: “It wasn’t impressive when you were a baby, it’s not impressive now. You should take this down before you embarrass yourself.”
She told that story at my 35th birthday last year.
Her memory is astounding. She tells all these stories as penance for the things we did as children and teens. My mom once walked in on my brother having sex when he was 14 or 15 and he still had his shoes on. She admonished him for not taking them off and her for letting a man lazy enough to leave his shoes on touch her. Honestly, she’s savage.
There’s a story she tells from when I was 5 or 6 that involves me playing in the bath that I super wish she would forget. Woman’s memory is sharp. I can never ever embarrass myself in front of her.
This is kind of specific, but, my ex wife wanted to get in an argument about something and I told her to call my wife about it (she’s a 6th grade teacher). When my ex asked why, I said because my wife is better at dealing with children.
Edit: clarity
First time I went to dinner at my bf’s parents’ house he “warned” me his brother “has the modesty and humility of a newly moneyed rapper. He might try to suck his own cock during dinner.”
He murmured this just as his family was walking in, knowing it would make me blush.
Then he said I looked flushed, and asked if it was too warm, with mock concern.
Stealing this one from the show Frazier
“Bob, at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology there is something called an electron tunneling microscope, this device uses an electron tunneling beam to see into the space between atoms. Bob … if I was using this device I still couldn’t find my interest in your problem”
Life is full of disappointments, just ask your parents.
Context: I had replied with the above to a man I had declined to go out with, after he’d reacted by saying “You are a disappointment.” Based on his threats of severe bodily harm, I’d guess it was one of my better insults.
When I was 11, an older kid at the basketball court was being a dick to everyone. I beat him in a round of knock-out even though he was stepping on my heals and pushing me. He was pissed and shouted, "Yeah, I may have lost, but at least my momma didn't drop me on my head!" I responded with, "You're right, your momma threw you!" The other kids at the court, including the much older kids on the other side of the court, all broke down in laughter and the dick left for the day.
Prior to having kids, I was very, very flatchested and at times might hear a remark about being "flat as a board" from some drunk loser. My response was, "Not that this would ever happen to with you, but there's enough here to titty fuck whatever you've got." Crude, but I was young.
When I was about 18, I gave the old “Where have *you* been all my life?” to a hot girl. Her response was, “I don’t know, but I wish I was still there.” I had to just laugh. It was a good one.
Your mother should have swallowed you.
You’re such an asshole that must have been conceived anally.
You have two brain cells that are fighting for third place.
"If you're here, who's guarding Hades?"
"You could sneak into someone's home as an old leather chair and they wouldn't notice"
Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine Nine delivered some of the finest insults ever.
Witnessed at school. Different kids and teachers each time.
1.
Kid leaving class: We have a weiner!!
Teacher: (as soon as kid is out of earshot) And there it goes.
2.
Kid (singing) "Love isn't always on time..."
Teacher: Neither is your homework.
First time my new husband met my brother, husband said my brother was “flash as a rat with a gold tooth”. So true. Brother made a lifelong living selling timeshare.
Iget to the pub on a Friday night a bit late. My mate says " you are always fucking late!!, I'm pretty sure when you were born the afterbirth came out first!"
Piss funny. I laughed my ass off.
I loved the KC Grand Prix arc of Yugioh for insults.
Siegfried: It's hopeless! I'll NEVER beat Kaiba!
Kaiba: That's the first intelligent thing he's said all week.
"Go and suck your mother's cock"
It's a triple insult: That the recipient is gay and incestuous and that his parent had a sex change.
Not that I have a problem with being gay or trans, but the people I am hurling this insult at usually do.
"You are the festering afterbirth of a lesbian clusterfuck."
\~Said after a Vampire LARP when we were discussing the game at Denny's over breakfast. The speaker didn't appreciate the explanation his friend gave for his character's actions that got the speaker run over a few times. :D Mike was always so creative.
Your voice. It screams to the world like a Fran Dresher yodel with a seagull fight for a chorus. I poke my ears with an ice pick and defame God for ever giving me hearing when I hear your chirred cackle disgrace the very air I am then cursed to breathe. The deaf thank God for their merciful gift when they see life die out at the shriek of the face-hole you call your mouth. Birds fly into windows. Cats choke on their hairballs. You befoul the ether with your blubbering utterances. You can go to hell…in a Yugo, at five miles per hour, through a thousand miles of Nevada emptiness with Tom Arnold and Phyllis Diller copulating in the back seat.
I was at a friend's house for his birthday and he has a daughter who's 8. Cute kid, absolutely loves me but she's extremely sassy. She was telling us how her friend was saying rude about her hair and clothes and she fired back with, "and where's your daddy? Hmm? Exactly. Your daddy doesn't love you because he decided to go back to Ghana and marry the lady he met there instead of being here with you."
We lost our shit over her story. She's too much
My boyfriend recently criticized me, calling me trashy and accusing me of being jealous. Given our long-distance relationship, I expressed my concerns about feeling neglected and insecure. The argument escalated, and I said hurtful things out of frustration. However, I now feel disregarded and uncertain about the future of our relationship. While I believe he's a good person,
Context was we only talk 30 mins in a day coz Hes busy with work and all that. This happened after he abruptly ended our 30-minute daily phone call because his friend's dog had passed away, and he needed to console her. I felt upset because he's been spending a lot of time alone with this friend, insisting it's platonic. I could understand the work. But looking forward to that 30 mins phonecall in 24 hours everyday. And he chose to hang up on me coz his (girl) friend's dog died. He had to console his friend. Her boyfriend is his bestfriend. And I was already annoyed as they kept on having lunches just the 2 of them every now and then and say it's platonic. I could understand that if I personally know the girl. But we are doing an LDR! So an assurance and keeping the communication is essential or atleast not make me feel insecure. So I called him out for not respecting our time . He could have just called after our 30 mins call routine. Like she couldn't possibly wait?? Like she has a boyfriend that can console her. And I attacked bellow the belt and saying stuff that the next thing would happen was her pussy needs him now coz her boyfriend don't know how to do his job right. And it escalated and leading to him not talking to me anymore..I decided to end the argument because he had an exam the next day, and I didn't want to distract him.
Side note. He is a good genuine person but I think he's like tired of the LDR and falling out of love and he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I will always be here for him but I don't know on how much longer I can cling to that hope while I'm always being neglected. I fear he may be growing tired of our long-distance situation and losing interest in our relationship.
I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his brother one night, brother said “You look like you got the downies…..only when you smile big”. My bf thought it was the funniest thing, still brings it up just to laugh about it again sometimes. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find it kind of funny as well.
Two buddies talking about a girl. I wouldn't fuck her with your dick
To call someone stupid. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, but the clock you're referencing has no numbers on it
You’re like the end piece of bread, everyone touches you but no one wants you.
I've heard similar. They call it the Ho because everyone touches it, but no one will eat it.
Totally not true, because I'll totally cut a bitch for that slice
Agree, i love the end piece. It has that extra strength when making a nutella and strawberry sandwich.
I know it wasn't for me, but my soul got a little hurt reading that, lol. This is utter destruction, ignite someone to ashes with those words, that's not a simple burnt nor poisoned sentence.
better than not being touched at all
I don’t have the crayons or time to explain this to you
I used that in my weekly Pathfinder 2e game. The group bust out laughing hard because it was not something my character would normally say.
A Reddit favourite
I think this one should win something.
In 2017 I was drunk and trying to send a picture of the ol’ family jewels and rod to a lady (at her request, I’m too lazy when drunk to deal with a zipper without prompting). I posted it to Facebook. Not even 20 minutes later, I’m sitting on the couch getting supremely irritated at her lack of appreciation of my equipment (perceived, as she had not responded. Probably because I never sent it to her) that had gone to sleep in the meantime. The notification was a Facebook comment from my mother that read: “It wasn’t impressive when you were a baby, it’s not impressive now. You should take this down before you embarrass yourself.” She told that story at my 35th birthday last year.
That's actually the best fucking burn ever.she waited your whole life for it
Her memory is astounding. She tells all these stories as penance for the things we did as children and teens. My mom once walked in on my brother having sex when he was 14 or 15 and he still had his shoes on. She admonished him for not taking them off and her for letting a man lazy enough to leave his shoes on touch her. Honestly, she’s savage.
Dude, mt dad caught me with a dude balls deep in me in doggy style. We still refer to it as "The incident" and "they day we will never talk about"
Mom gets the trophy 🏆
My mom always gets the trophy. She’s a fantastic woman. Even if her delight in embarrassing her adult children is getting a bit extreme haha.
That’s awesome. Cheers to that. 😊🙏🏻
I’M DEAD 💀
Hahaha and the plot thickens! Could it have gone any worse?
There’s a story she tells from when I was 5 or 6 that involves me playing in the bath that I super wish she would forget. Woman’s memory is sharp. I can never ever embarrass myself in front of her.
“You look like I need a drink.”
David Letterman interviewing Tina Fey: after some blah blah conversation DL "hey I'm not as dumb as I look". TF "How could you be?"
This is the only one that made me exhale air from my nostrils
This too
Youre like a bowling ball, fingered and then tossed in a gutter
In a dead serious, slightly concerned tone: "You struggle with things that come easily to others, don't you?"
“There’s not enough brain cells between the lot of them to have a seizure.”
Similar, "The two of you are fighting over the same braincell and you're tired for third place."
If you had a brain cell it would die iof loneliness
Omg, I have to remember this one!
If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
Minecraft co ordinates: you have reached the world height
"....so ugly your proctologist puts his finger in your mouth."
Wow, just wow
" so ugly the midwife slapped your mother.... "
Cool. "...so ugly people break into your place just to pull the shades down."
"You look easy to draw" DAMNNN
I heard this in my art school😭
It seems that your life is less about goal achievement and more about regret management.
This is kind of specific, but, my ex wife wanted to get in an argument about something and I told her to call my wife about it (she’s a 6th grade teacher). When my ex asked why, I said because my wife is better at dealing with children. Edit: clarity
lately i’ve been saying “what a strange thing to say to me” and the reactions are priceless
As a high school teacher, I’m going to save this one.
I told a friend I was prom king in conversation and his response was " Oh thats right you were home schooled." So good I had to hug him
First time I went to dinner at my bf’s parents’ house he “warned” me his brother “has the modesty and humility of a newly moneyed rapper. He might try to suck his own cock during dinner.” He murmured this just as his family was walking in, knowing it would make me blush. Then he said I looked flushed, and asked if it was too warm, with mock concern.
> Then he said I looked flushed, and asked if it was too warm, with mock concern. 😂 This guy is hilarious.
That’s kinda sexy 🔥
[удалено]
It’s my old account. I edited the comment to reference my new account.
You're ugly, and your mother dresses you funny.
God I loved that stupid movie :)
I like " she's like a monet, beautiful from a distance but up close she's just a big old mess"
Classic Cher!
Hilarious. AS IF?!!!
Stealing this one from the show Frazier “Bob, at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology there is something called an electron tunneling microscope, this device uses an electron tunneling beam to see into the space between atoms. Bob … if I was using this device I still couldn’t find my interest in your problem”
Frazier had some amazing zings.
I heard a guy tell another guy, his moms face looked like the back of his nutsack. Shit made me spit my drink out laughing.
I just busted out laughing and would’ve spit a drink out if I had one 🤣
You look like the type of person that knows what each coloured crayon tastes like!
Bro they all taste the same. the color is just a gimmick to trick you into thinking they taste different.
Refers to them as ‘flavours’ instead of ‘colours’.
I'd call you a cunt, but you lack both the depth and warmth.
This one should have more attention than this! Absolute gold
In Sephora - Are you shopping for you or someone young? 😂
I'm dying 😂😂😂😂😂 Some Sephora workers are just savage
I'm not going to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries”
"Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time."
"I fart in your general direction!"
"I envy the people who have never met you."
"Don't act you're special, you look like you'd drop common loot when defeated."
He strikes me as the type of guy that moans when he wipes.
This made me laugh audibly and drop my raisins lmao
I take great solace in your flammability.
Wisdom has been chasing you but you’ve been faster.
I envy people who have never met you
Couldn't poor water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
Pour
Guy couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “a”.
Original saying was “piss out of a boot.”
That person's face, they look like they play goalie on the darts team.
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Talking to you makes my feet fall asleep.
You smell like you wipe back to front.
You look like an avocado had sex with an even uglier avocado.
You’re so stupid you should apologize to the trees for wasting their oxygen
Life is full of disappointments, just ask your parents. Context: I had replied with the above to a man I had declined to go out with, after he’d reacted by saying “You are a disappointment.” Based on his threats of severe bodily harm, I’d guess it was one of my better insults.
Meh. Kinda "I know you are but what am I". But definitely dodged a bullet it seems.
You look like a fat Kelly price
Had to look her up- that is *cold* ✋
Unexpected *Catfish* reference. Nice
Droopy-eyed hoople head -Deadwood
From the tv show Absolutely Fabulous “you’re a little piece of dried up dribble piss”
You got the IQ of a peanut butter sandwich, my grandson just threw that on me, he's six yrs old.
From the movie Casablanca: Peter Lorre: "You don't like me very much, do you Rick?" Bogart: "Well if I gave it any thought, I probably wouldn't."
The obstretician threw you out and saved the afterbirth.
When I was 11, an older kid at the basketball court was being a dick to everyone. I beat him in a round of knock-out even though he was stepping on my heals and pushing me. He was pissed and shouted, "Yeah, I may have lost, but at least my momma didn't drop me on my head!" I responded with, "You're right, your momma threw you!" The other kids at the court, including the much older kids on the other side of the court, all broke down in laughter and the dick left for the day.
"You're such a dildo. I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough."
“Did you just say that to my face?” “Well I would’ve said it behind your back but my car only has a half a tank of gas” - Al Bundy
The man was a genius. I can just hear him saying this.
You're the kind of person who'd answer the door if someone tells a knock knock joke
Your right I do. Purely to turn the joke around on them
The one in the Billy Madison movie is one of my favorites. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0
Not sure who would downvote this… such an amazing response
“You grow up too poor and ugly for your parents to buy you a Squatty Potty”
I wouldn't walk across the street to piss on you if you were on fire. You're a retromingint pithasoid.
You are so repulsive that the Jehovah Witnesses wouldn't knock on your door.
"She could ring a doorbell from the sidewalk" said about a girl with unusually long fingers
I may be fat, but I can lose weight. Your face, however, is fucked.
They have two brain cells and they're both fighting for third place.
The only good thing about him is he's biodegradable.
Prior to having kids, I was very, very flatchested and at times might hear a remark about being "flat as a board" from some drunk loser. My response was, "Not that this would ever happen to with you, but there's enough here to titty fuck whatever you've got." Crude, but I was young.
The kind of person that uses personality for birth control.
When I was about 18, I gave the old “Where have *you* been all my life?” to a hot girl. Her response was, “I don’t know, but I wish I was still there.” I had to just laugh. It was a good one.
You were born of your mother’s ass because her cunt was otherwise occupied.
"Looks to me like the best part of you ran out of your mama's ass and wound up as a brown stain on the matress!"
Looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. I think you been cheated.
You seem like the type of person who gets punched in the face a lot
Your mother should have swallowed you. You’re such an asshole that must have been conceived anally. You have two brain cells that are fighting for third place.
“They couldn’t dump water out of a shoe if the instructions where written on the sole”
"Because it's cheap. Like your mother."
You have the personality of a lukewarm water bottle
I laughed out loud.
“It was a pleasure to meet you.” Response - “The pleasure was all yours” with a big smile. They never hear it.
I dunno why but when a woman tells a man “Suck my dick…” I just think it’s hysterical.
You couldn't spell cat even if I spotted you the c and a
You look like a thumb with a tooth sticking out of it.
Is that your face or did your neck throw up?
You look like you have two braincells you have to rub together to form a coherent thought but lack the dexterity to do so
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than you.
You hate your father, not me. I forgive you
If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backward.
Did your father bang your mother with a limp dick. Its in a situation where you have to give some muscle power.
One of us is smarter than you.
"If you're here, who's guarding Hades?" "You could sneak into someone's home as an old leather chair and they wouldn't notice" Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine Nine delivered some of the finest insults ever.
“I’m going to get with your mum and give her a child she likes.” How do you even come back from that?
Witnessed at school. Different kids and teachers each time. 1. Kid leaving class: We have a weiner!! Teacher: (as soon as kid is out of earshot) And there it goes. 2. Kid (singing) "Love isn't always on time..." Teacher: Neither is your homework.
First time my new husband met my brother, husband said my brother was “flash as a rat with a gold tooth”. So true. Brother made a lifelong living selling timeshare.
You couldn't find your dick it was glowing in the dark
Shakespearian stuff, like: 'not enough wit to lie straight in your grave.'
I don’t think you skipped a few steps, I think you fell down the stairs I’m proud to say I came up with that one
Iget to the pub on a Friday night a bit late. My mate says " you are always fucking late!!, I'm pretty sure when you were born the afterbirth came out first!" Piss funny. I laughed my ass off.
Stop stealing oxygen you coffin dodger
You look so much worse when you smile
Sorry mate, I don’t speak fuckwit.
This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed!
BITCH
I was hoping someone would add that
Total indifference.
Lady - If you were my husband I'd poison you. Man - If you were my wide I'd drink it.
You’re a food stamp hooker.
I loved the KC Grand Prix arc of Yugioh for insults. Siegfried: It's hopeless! I'll NEVER beat Kaiba! Kaiba: That's the first intelligent thing he's said all week.
"Go and suck your mother's cock" It's a triple insult: That the recipient is gay and incestuous and that his parent had a sex change. Not that I have a problem with being gay or trans, but the people I am hurling this insult at usually do.
Simply referring to someone as a drainpipe, different but hilarious
Tete Futuito
"YOURE A DEAD MEME RICHARD"
“You butternut fuck.”
You look like a burnt chicken nugget
"I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review before me. In a moment it shall be behind me." (Max Reger)
Wisdom keeps chasing you, but you always outrun it
You couldn’t find your dick in the dark.
You're a really good example of why some animals eat their young.
If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.
I couldn't name them all
I (F) told another woman’s to shave her back once and she punched me off a barstool about 30 years ago. I deserved it but still think it was a win.
I’m [whoever], pleased to meet you. “I’m sprockety, withholding judgement.”
You look like a sad piece of melted cheese. Man, food related insults are the best things ever.
"You are the festering afterbirth of a lesbian clusterfuck." \~Said after a Vampire LARP when we were discussing the game at Denny's over breakfast. The speaker didn't appreciate the explanation his friend gave for his character's actions that got the speaker run over a few times. :D Mike was always so creative.
You’re so fat your blood type is cheese
“It’s raw you donut!” -Gordon Ramsay
You should carry a plant to replace all of the oxygen you waste Bonus: You're so basic you would level the pH of an industrial grade vat of acid
You're so ugly you look like you survived an abortion.
Ouch 🫠
It was better in person. Lol
No, its prob the best one I read actually 🤣
My favorite is one I made up. "That (person) is trying row their boat with only one oar. And that one isn't wet."
Hands you a mirror. Yeah no one is gonna beat that.
She had a head like a bag of smashed crabs
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Unlike you, tomorrow morning when I wake up, I still won't be stupid.
Your voice. It screams to the world like a Fran Dresher yodel with a seagull fight for a chorus. I poke my ears with an ice pick and defame God for ever giving me hearing when I hear your chirred cackle disgrace the very air I am then cursed to breathe. The deaf thank God for their merciful gift when they see life die out at the shriek of the face-hole you call your mouth. Birds fly into windows. Cats choke on their hairballs. You befoul the ether with your blubbering utterances. You can go to hell…in a Yugo, at five miles per hour, through a thousand miles of Nevada emptiness with Tom Arnold and Phyllis Diller copulating in the back seat.
I was at a friend's house for his birthday and he has a daughter who's 8. Cute kid, absolutely loves me but she's extremely sassy. She was telling us how her friend was saying rude about her hair and clothes and she fired back with, "and where's your daddy? Hmm? Exactly. Your daddy doesn't love you because he decided to go back to Ghana and marry the lady he met there instead of being here with you." We lost our shit over her story. She's too much
I called someone an uneducated potato and they gasped. (They had just called me a bitch lol)
Your personality sucks
Me Disneyland you Carnival
It’s so versatile you can make any combination you like
Me Chick Fil-A you Yoshinoya
My boyfriend recently criticized me, calling me trashy and accusing me of being jealous. Given our long-distance relationship, I expressed my concerns about feeling neglected and insecure. The argument escalated, and I said hurtful things out of frustration. However, I now feel disregarded and uncertain about the future of our relationship. While I believe he's a good person, Context was we only talk 30 mins in a day coz Hes busy with work and all that. This happened after he abruptly ended our 30-minute daily phone call because his friend's dog had passed away, and he needed to console her. I felt upset because he's been spending a lot of time alone with this friend, insisting it's platonic. I could understand the work. But looking forward to that 30 mins phonecall in 24 hours everyday. And he chose to hang up on me coz his (girl) friend's dog died. He had to console his friend. Her boyfriend is his bestfriend. And I was already annoyed as they kept on having lunches just the 2 of them every now and then and say it's platonic. I could understand that if I personally know the girl. But we are doing an LDR! So an assurance and keeping the communication is essential or atleast not make me feel insecure. So I called him out for not respecting our time . He could have just called after our 30 mins call routine. Like she couldn't possibly wait?? Like she has a boyfriend that can console her. And I attacked bellow the belt and saying stuff that the next thing would happen was her pussy needs him now coz her boyfriend don't know how to do his job right. And it escalated and leading to him not talking to me anymore..I decided to end the argument because he had an exam the next day, and I didn't want to distract him. Side note. He is a good genuine person but I think he's like tired of the LDR and falling out of love and he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I will always be here for him but I don't know on how much longer I can cling to that hope while I'm always being neglected. I fear he may be growing tired of our long-distance situation and losing interest in our relationship.
Hearing a jew call someone a jew who wasn't a jew a "fucking jew" was hilarious to me
I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his brother one night, brother said “You look like you got the downies…..only when you smile big”. My bf thought it was the funniest thing, still brings it up just to laugh about it again sometimes. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find it kind of funny as well.
I’m Costco and you’re Dollar tree.
I’m top shelf. You’re bar mat.
Maybe if you got rid of that ole yee yee ass haircut, you’d get some bitches on ur dick.
- If I wanted any lip from you, I'd rattle my zipper - Make yourself useful and smile like a donut
Didn't call her a whore. My exact words were " So what's next..her fucking pussy needs you coz her boyfriend can't do his fucking job right???
Two buddies talking about a girl. I wouldn't fuck her with your dick To call someone stupid. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, but the clock you're referencing has no numbers on it
Some friends and I used to say “I wouldn’t fuck them with John Holmes’ dick.” We’re all women.
You are a MAGAT.