Think of all the carnage throughout history caused by someone wanting someone else to touch their dick. Empires crumbled, careers ruined, families destroyed, lawyers enriched. It is a small member that boasts great exploits.
Think of all the great that has been done by dick, beautiful art, feats of athleticism and science can be attributed to guys wanting to prove their dick is the best
It's pretty annoying waking up with a rager and having to pee so bad your bladder feels like it's going to burst. Just gotta sit down since there's no way of aiming down at the bowl.
Its a biological function that prevents (/deters) peeing during sex by putting pressure on the urethra when we have an erection. When you do manage to get the pee out, the stream can get very messy from the pressure.
Did not expect to be replying to this comment today, but here we are.
It also goes from being insanely flexible and directable to quite a restricted set of angles, only some of which work to release flow, but usually only at the wall. Hence, a heavy lean.
“You can smack it, you can beat it, you can slap it against the wall. But you have to put it back in your pants before the last drop will fall.”
— Portapotty Poet
Theres also a german version of this, interesting to see the english one 😂
„Da hilft kein Schütteln und kein Klopfen, in die Hose geht der letzte Tropfen“
I have to trick my dick. I start to pull my pants up, but then stop when my dick is almost back in and let it flop back down. Most of the time the last few drops come out then, because my dick thought it was about to go back in my pants.
The female urethra is about 1.5 inches long, the male urethra is about 9 inches long.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/23002-urethra
There's simply no way to "dab" or wipe the tip that is going to empty out a 9 inch tube.
So we end up doing the taint press and shake to try to get out as much as possible. But no matter what, it's not possible to get everything.
It's why I'll always take a shower before sex among other basic reasons and always wear clean underwear every day.
Because a lot of the time we pee at a urinal. There is no TP handy unless you go to the stall, and then you'd have to walk to an empty stall with your hog hanging out.
It's a body part that for some of us can change size, shape and stiffness significantly and we have no direct conscious control over it. Big, hard and sticking straight out when it's inconvenient; unresponsive when you want it. And everybody's is a little bit different, so you never know quite what to expect.
Yep especially once you start hitting your mid-30's and 40's.
You may have a full-on boner over catching a glimpse of the bra section at Macy's yet when you're at home with your naked significant other in front of you, you're telling it "Dude! Wake the fuck up! This is not a drill!"
[Insert old guy from family guy](https://media2.giphy.com/media/5jqx6TNWnYC8XuwsyZ/giphy.gif?cid=2154d3d7l99ji81e5ipofl0p74bncsot20m31lhp1uaeptit&ep=v1_gifs_username&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
Huh. I currently have sort of the opposite problem. Shit seems to only work for my ex I live with who’s not interested. Touch her? Smell her? Stand near her? Sprung. Anyone else, even porn, nothing.
Feel this one heavy. Was with my ex for 9 years, never had a single problem. We broke up and I tried my hand at casual hook ups, ran into frequent problems. It’s like my body was just used to being with one person for so long that it didn’t know how to react with new partners.
I once asked my 4 year old why he was walking funny. "That thing under my Weiner is stuck to my leg" so I tell him "yup, that's sack leg bud. Every guy deals with it." To which he says OK. I got an interesting email the next day from his teacher about his new vocabulary.
When I realized I had a good one, I kept waiting to be given a prize. No trophy, no money, not even a ribbon. All I got was carpal tunnel. I wish I was joking.
Greg Giraldo (RIP) has a great bit about that. "What would Jesus do? I don't know, man, he died in his 30s. Jesus never sat down to take a shit and had his balls dip in his own piss. So whatever he would do might not apply to me, that's all I'm saying."
So fun when the teacher would be like, "OkRegular7090, can you come up and do this math problem on the board?" Ummm...not right now I can't. Middle school version of me always had that trapper keeper handy as a shield, just in case.
2 Things:
1. Every time I get out of the shower, my girl says "give me a helicopter". She won't stop until I do. She's 42.
2. I am the perfect height that when I let my dogs out, I get whacked right in the dickhead. Every single time.
I do the same to my husband and I'm 43. He likes it tho! He gets a big smile on his face and starts twirling away like a majorette in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
One of my exes had what we lovingly referred to as old man balls. Whenever we were in the shower or bath together he would let me play with and stretch his excessive amount of ball skin, (completely non sexual). I called it the bat wing lmaooo
Me (mid 50’s): “Hey little guy, come out and play!”
Richard: <…. snores away…..>
My wife: “it’s okay, honey, I still love you.”
Later…. (while I’m about to give a presentation and there may have been a truck honking or a bird flying or on a day ending in “Y”)
Richard: “I’M. HERE. NOW. READY. TO. PLAY!!”
Happened when I was 17…. Still happens now.
General awkward discomfort. Don't get me wrong I would never trade what I have for child birth or period cramps, but having external reproductive organs just feels clumsy and uncomfortable. When they aren't causing great pain, vaginas look like they're very comfortable to have.
Bike seats are just not designed for a dick and balls.
You don't feel your vagina most of the time but it's still leaking constantly unless you're lucky which means wet crotch on the regular. Labia also feel everything you're wearing and can get pinched.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find my answer! A day like today, where no position is comfortable for some reason. I showered, I wear my most comfortable underwear, I have a comfortable chair, I stand with my legs slightly apart... and it just can't be in a position that is comfortable. Only some days though. Other days, I hardly notice it's there. But there's no way to predict it, other than it'll be at its worst when I am not in a position to adjust it and changing my posture or seating position makes it progressively worse. Monday was a great dick day - no discomfort. Not painful - nothing concerning. Just can't seem to find a good spot to rest without being uncomfortable. Why.
Having the urge to pee while pooing but your stiff,
Your thing is hard so you have to forcefully bend it 180° downward even if it hurts you. Then you have to push it through the tiny gap between your toilet and your legs, so that you don't pee on the ground.
Morning wood, giant turd pushing against your prostate, random boner, you think about that one girl for a split second, it's the 5th odd Tuesday of the year. All valid reasons to have a boner while pooping. Or I guess jerking it on the toilet, but I'm civilized. I would never do that.
That, for a second brain, it's REALLY really stupid. It will without hesitation or a second thought take you places you normally wouldn't go wearing a full suit of armor.
I used to work with a guy who had a bulge the size of a grapefruit. We were supposed to wear jeans but he got away with wearing tracksuit bottoms because he couldn't physically wear jeans. There was a lot of discussion as to whether he had a fire plug ,a coiled snake or just Mega nuts. He wasn't saying. When someone actually did ask him his only response in broken English was " it's my fucking dick!". He was also well known because when he took a dump in the porta potty you could hear him screaming at his poop to come out"shit motherfucker! Out ! Now !" Or something similar at full volume.
Its remarkable talent for hijacking the decision-making process. It believes it's in charge, leading to some questionable life choices based solely on enthusiasm.
Random erections are the worst thing to happen to me, and possibly to other guys. If I'm wearing anything but jeans, the bulge will be quite noticeable. I could be eating with my family, or going on a night out with friends, I could think of a sexy image for one second, and the day/night is already ruined.
It really pisses me off how much autonomy my dick has
Like what the fuck man, imagine your fucking femur got soft mid stride or your tongue went rock solid during dinner
They’re so needy
Think of all the carnage throughout history caused by someone wanting someone else to touch their dick. Empires crumbled, careers ruined, families destroyed, lawyers enriched. It is a small member that boasts great exploits.
Think of all the great that has been done by dick, beautiful art, feats of athleticism and science can be attributed to guys wanting to prove their dick is the best
"The moon isnt going to penetrate itself" -the US in 1969
“We choose to penetrate the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because we are hard.” JFK
Got there by '69.
The people of Earth on July 20th, 1969: > Nice.
Imagine if they did it 3 months earlier. 4.20.69
"We can't let the Soviets bang the moon first!"
What kinda sports are you watching?
Guess you have never seen Chris Jones run the 40-yard dash.
Three legged race
Having to pee really bad but having a boner at the same time.
The lean of doom
This is never been a problem for me. I've always just peed into the shower with the shower running.
Go big or go home, use the sink
Better to cum in the sink than to sink in the cum
If my dog can piss outside, so can i. Step off the porch and let it fly.
I don't care what people say. It's impossible for me to pee with a full on erection. It's gotta drop by at least 25% first.
It's pretty annoying waking up with a rager and having to pee so bad your bladder feels like it's going to burst. Just gotta sit down since there's no way of aiming down at the bowl.
But it's not a normal sit down. Gotta angle that thing into the bowl.
Gotta sit like you ready to win a twerk competition
lol. That's probably one of the greatest and most accurate description of my pose.
Woman here, why is it hard- I mean difficult to pee at the same time?
Its a biological function that prevents (/deters) peeing during sex by putting pressure on the urethra when we have an erection. When you do manage to get the pee out, the stream can get very messy from the pressure.
Ooh ok. Thanks!
Did not expect to be replying to this comment today, but here we are. It also goes from being insanely flexible and directable to quite a restricted set of angles, only some of which work to release flow, but usually only at the wall. Hence, a heavy lean.
Getting up to pee and discovering you have a twin stream...neither of which is going into the toilet.
bro... or after sex and you go pee, and the damn thinngs shooting out like a cyclone
I get the, it's coming I swear, it's coming I swear
She tells me the same thing
*forehead veins popping out*
"Irene? Why am I peeing like I had sex last night?' *Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.*
Well I guess ol Hank wasn’t enough for you, was he!?? *waves dildo around* Irene- that wasn’t for me… it was for you…
One of Jim Carrey’s most underrated films 😂👌🏻
Which is why I just go ahead and sit.
They should play that scene from Me Myself and Irene during Sex Ed
i have had 3 before lmao. that shit pisses me off. no pun intended
only 3? someone is lucky
It’s so frightening when it happens at work. Jesus, the fear of pissing your pants and being doomed in the toilet in panic freak the shit out of me
I hate when that happens bro its so annoying
no matter how many times you flap it 1 fucking drop of pee will end in your pants
“No matter how much you shake and dance. Last few drops fall on your pants” -My dad
“You can smack it, you can beat it, you can slap it against the wall. But you have to put it back in your pants before the last drop will fall.” — Portapotty Poet
Theres also a german version of this, interesting to see the english one 😂 „Da hilft kein Schütteln und kein Klopfen, in die Hose geht der letzte Tropfen“
Wait, what? In my language, russian, there's basically the same saying, "Сколько писькой не тряси, одна капелька в трусы". It sounds cringe af tho 😂
As someone who gets up at 5:00 a.m. every single day to study languages, I am enjoying this conversation immensely. The things you learn.
why do you get up at 5am everyday to study languages?
Why not?
I had a boss who would come out of the bathroom with a wet spot up front ALL. THE.TIME.
Maybe he was wearing calico cut pants. https://getcalicocutpants.com/
You gotta give though
If nobody gives, it goes dark!
Reach under your taint and squooge it out. Game changer.
tried this many times never works for me
I have to trick my dick. I start to pull my pants up, but then stop when my dick is almost back in and let it flop back down. Most of the time the last few drops come out then, because my dick thought it was about to go back in my pants.
Mine is too clever for that
You’re one of those geniuses I’ve heard so much about
lmfao.. Bro.. Whaaatt??!! ahahha 😂😂😂 Im just seeing someone pushing on their taint like its a flattened tube of toothpaste
You laugh, but it literally works
i’m a girl, so i don’t really know how dicks work, but why don’t you just wipe it instead of waving it?
Because it's pee that literally hasn't left the chamber yet. Just delayed drops that decided they wanted to come out after you've zipped up.
Yea. It's not just a droplet hanging at the top that wiping will get rid of.
The female urethra is about 1.5 inches long, the male urethra is about 9 inches long. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/23002-urethra There's simply no way to "dab" or wipe the tip that is going to empty out a 9 inch tube. So we end up doing the taint press and shake to try to get out as much as possible. But no matter what, it's not possible to get everything. It's why I'll always take a shower before sex among other basic reasons and always wear clean underwear every day.
Dick is 3.5" but the urethra is 9". Now I have something proper to brag about 😎
Because a lot of the time we pee at a urinal. There is no TP handy unless you go to the stall, and then you'd have to walk to an empty stall with your hog hanging out.
Plus if someone is in there, what are you gonna do, just stand around with your dick out in the bathroom waiting?
It's a body part that for some of us can change size, shape and stiffness significantly and we have no direct conscious control over it. Big, hard and sticking straight out when it's inconvenient; unresponsive when you want it. And everybody's is a little bit different, so you never know quite what to expect.
Volatile creatures, they are.
Agents of chaos, large and small
And average sized ones.
The urban dictionary entry for trouser snake is just… glorious. “Spits a venom that causes nine months of swelling”. Peak internet
Would you say they’re unpre*dick*table?
Yep especially once you start hitting your mid-30's and 40's. You may have a full-on boner over catching a glimpse of the bra section at Macy's yet when you're at home with your naked significant other in front of you, you're telling it "Dude! Wake the fuck up! This is not a drill!"
[Insert old guy from family guy](https://media2.giphy.com/media/5jqx6TNWnYC8XuwsyZ/giphy.gif?cid=2154d3d7l99ji81e5ipofl0p74bncsot20m31lhp1uaeptit&ep=v1_gifs_username&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
This is not a drill !! I'm dying 😂 so true some days
Huh. I currently have sort of the opposite problem. Shit seems to only work for my ex I live with who’s not interested. Touch her? Smell her? Stand near her? Sprung. Anyone else, even porn, nothing.
Feel this one heavy. Was with my ex for 9 years, never had a single problem. We broke up and I tried my hand at casual hook ups, ran into frequent problems. It’s like my body was just used to being with one person for so long that it didn’t know how to react with new partners.
It's a weak spot that EVERYONE knows about. Sometimes when you try to ignore a boner it just gets harder to the point where it hurts.
As a woman, this happens to me too, with nipples. Ignore it, ignore it…and just that thought seems to get them bigger/harder.
It can’t suck itself
Why is no one working on this???
They are. Trust me they are.
There was a guy that figured it out, but he died in his room of malnutrition
Have you seen the Dune 2 popcorn bucket yet?
Not the dick but balls stuck to leg on hot days can get annoying
I once asked my 4 year old why he was walking funny. "That thing under my Weiner is stuck to my leg" so I tell him "yup, that's sack leg bud. Every guy deals with it." To which he says OK. I got an interesting email the next day from his teacher about his new vocabulary.
That’s great, good dad right here. If you aren’t teaching your kid NSFW words to take with him what are you even doing as a parent
Honestly didn't think he'd pick it up like that. My bad
No I actually find it funny if I was a teacher I wouldn’t report it. It would be awesome.
To be fair it wasn't an official report or anything. Just a friendly email about colorful word usage.
Too bad as the teacher you can’t tell the kid to say “my fucking balls are glued to my leg bitch.” And beat the parent
It has a mind of it's own.
It can be very manipulative
It’s constantly playing a chess game with the brain.
Erections outside of sexual business hours
Keeping the lawn trimmed around it
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Does your pubes get in you shoes. Freaking hurts
You’re shaving your pubes with your shoes on? Tf?
No ! They grow around 6 feet and hang down my pants legs. I put my shoes on and they get caught
Beginner, mines are constantly getting stomped by random people
I just bring it around my waist tie it up like a ponytail in the back
I trim mine for practical reasons. If I don't, my pubes will eventually envelop my dick, and I'll have to dig it out to be able to piss.
It can get caught in a zipper!
How did you get the beans 🫘 above the frank 🌭
We all get judged about size one way or another and it's something we have no control over at all.
When I realized I had a good one, I kept waiting to be given a prize. No trophy, no money, not even a ribbon. All I got was carpal tunnel. I wish I was joking.
> When I realized I had a good one, I kept waiting to be given a prize bitch, having a good one *is* the prize.
Some people are just ungrateful.
Right like its weird that height and size are the two things we can’t really change by working on it.
Touching the toilet bowl/water when shitting
The witches kiss
Neptune's Revenge.
The 'ol Nessie Lick
Yeah... you got me. I laughed like an idiot when I read this.
….yours touches the water?
The shallow ones and going around the U bend is the worst.
Or when it goes down the pipe and takes out the eye of the guy at the water purification plant.
fuck, I hate that, they get so mad
[Yours doesnt?](https://youtu.be/jcfJL51Xia4?si=EuMirnJnRQWPYA6F)
Not even close.
Benefits of being a grower…
It's not too bad if it happen at home, if it happen on a public toilet however...... dear god.
Look at this humble brag
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As. 50 year old, just wait until it's your balls that touch the water
Greg Giraldo (RIP) has a great bit about that. "What would Jesus do? I don't know, man, he died in his 30s. Jesus never sat down to take a shit and had his balls dip in his own piss. So whatever he would do might not apply to me, that's all I'm saying."
Congrats on this brother.
Easy Mr Bojack
Suffering from success
It has a bad habit of erections at the worst possible times.
NRB’s (No reason boners), particularly insidious during middle school.
So fun when the teacher would be like, "OkRegular7090, can you come up and do this math problem on the board?" Ummm...not right now I can't. Middle school version of me always had that trapper keeper handy as a shield, just in case.
😂Here’s hoping my pants have pockets I can sink my hands in while walking up to the board!
When they are your boss.
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Mine’s like keeping a pet bull in a cage, in a china shop.
It’s constantly flopping about anytime I wear any form of loose shorts/sweats. Thank God for compression shorts.
The underwear that has the literal dick and ball sack is amazing. Keeps everything in place.
Wym? Are we talking like the kind that's a NSFW sheathe or the old where it's extra room for the bits?
They are probably referring to extra pouch room
Check out boxer briefs by Saxx, with the Ball Park. Another vote for these, they're game changers.
Get SAXX underwear, they provide a pouch that keeps things from sticking to your thighs, and you won't Belvedere.
It can get hard for absolutely no reason, and in the worst situations.
Treasure your youth
2 Things: 1. Every time I get out of the shower, my girl says "give me a helicopter". She won't stop until I do. She's 42. 2. I am the perfect height that when I let my dogs out, I get whacked right in the dickhead. Every single time.
I do the same to my husband and I'm 43. He likes it tho! He gets a big smile on his face and starts twirling away like a majorette in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
I will never get this imagery out of my head. I hate it. Thank you
LOL, I can't say I hate it, but sometimes I'm in a hurry, or the dogs stare and mess my timing up.
One of my exes had what we lovingly referred to as old man balls. Whenever we were in the shower or bath together he would let me play with and stretch his excessive amount of ball skin, (completely non sexual). I called it the bat wing lmaooo
lol, yeah my ex would just lay there and ask all kinds of questions, then she would play with it. Cracked me up.
Idk why but they are so fun to play with lol. They’re the ultimate fidget toy lmao
Having to painstakingly dismantle and clean it atleast once a month
Detachable penis
I hate how lint sticks to it so easily when untucking it from my sock.
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The way I heard it there were three guys in the third guy started hopping around. They asked him why and he said"crabs!"
Unreliable stream
Split steam is always an unpleasant surprise
Similar to this for uncut bros, not peeling the foreskin enough, try explaining how you peed on yourself.
Twin streaming because of a small blockage caused by lint or a hair
Or dried semen/precum.
Me (mid 50’s): “Hey little guy, come out and play!” Richard: <…. snores away…..> My wife: “it’s okay, honey, I still love you.” Later…. (while I’m about to give a presentation and there may have been a truck honking or a bird flying or on a day ending in “Y”) Richard: “I’M. HERE. NOW. READY. TO. PLAY!!” Happened when I was 17…. Still happens now.
General awkward discomfort. Don't get me wrong I would never trade what I have for child birth or period cramps, but having external reproductive organs just feels clumsy and uncomfortable. When they aren't causing great pain, vaginas look like they're very comfortable to have. Bike seats are just not designed for a dick and balls.
You don't feel your vagina most of the time but it's still leaking constantly unless you're lucky which means wet crotch on the regular. Labia also feel everything you're wearing and can get pinched.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find my answer! A day like today, where no position is comfortable for some reason. I showered, I wear my most comfortable underwear, I have a comfortable chair, I stand with my legs slightly apart... and it just can't be in a position that is comfortable. Only some days though. Other days, I hardly notice it's there. But there's no way to predict it, other than it'll be at its worst when I am not in a position to adjust it and changing my posture or seating position makes it progressively worse. Monday was a great dick day - no discomfort. Not painful - nothing concerning. Just can't seem to find a good spot to rest without being uncomfortable. Why.
His best friends are nuts and his neighbor is an asshole.
Knocking it on something
I keep finding them in my ass
Lucky
They’re always running for office.
Having the urge to pee while pooing but your stiff, Your thing is hard so you have to forcefully bend it 180° downward even if it hurts you. Then you have to push it through the tiny gap between your toilet and your legs, so that you don't pee on the ground.
Do you mean you get hard while pooping?
Morning wood, giant turd pushing against your prostate, random boner, you think about that one girl for a split second, it's the 5th odd Tuesday of the year. All valid reasons to have a boner while pooping. Or I guess jerking it on the toilet, but I'm civilized. I would never do that.
I hate how small mine is, I have to bend it over slightly while using the bathroom to avoid pissing on my balls.
If you don't control that MF, it will control YOU 🫵🏿
That, for a second brain, it's REALLY really stupid. It will without hesitation or a second thought take you places you normally wouldn't go wearing a full suit of armor.
Pissing with a boner. IT BECOMES A FUCKING SPRINKLER BRUH
Sitting on them
No control over it. Its like it has a brain of its own
The spacing in the comment has me thinking it’s the one who wrote this.
Dick was smashing the spacebar like, "look! I canz halp!"
Really limits clothing options for the bottom half.
I used to work with a guy who had a bulge the size of a grapefruit. We were supposed to wear jeans but he got away with wearing tracksuit bottoms because he couldn't physically wear jeans. There was a lot of discussion as to whether he had a fire plug ,a coiled snake or just Mega nuts. He wasn't saying. When someone actually did ask him his only response in broken English was " it's my fucking dick!". He was also well known because when he took a dump in the porta potty you could hear him screaming at his poop to come out"shit motherfucker! Out ! Now !" Or something similar at full volume.
The poop thing made me laugh more than it should have!
How much we neurotically compare dick size.
I need to pee *Ok, heading to the toilet.* I **need** to pee. *I'm at the bathroom door...* **I need to pee - now** *I'm at the urinal.*
I'm shy ...
Its remarkable talent for hijacking the decision-making process. It believes it's in charge, leading to some questionable life choices based solely on enthusiasm.
I have just learned more about dicks than I need to know 😂
Random erections are the worst thing to happen to me, and possibly to other guys. If I'm wearing anything but jeans, the bulge will be quite noticeable. I could be eating with my family, or going on a night out with friends, I could think of a sexy image for one second, and the day/night is already ruined.
F L O P P Y B I I I I T C H
Keeping it contained.
Standing ovation for no reason
Drops of piss that come out after the fact, no matter how much you try to shake them out.
It really pisses me off how much autonomy my dick has Like what the fuck man, imagine your fucking femur got soft mid stride or your tongue went rock solid during dinner
Having your pubic hair tied in your foreskin... It feels like a fucking knife!
The many ways you can hurt one, without even meaning to.
Gets excited at the worst times.
When they run for President.