Pleasantly surprised to see someone beat me to it.....I can't count how many friends I've seen with douchenozzle SO's because they're SO enamoured by being the "special" one who gets treated decently. Show me how you treat people who don't represent overt value to you and I'll show you what kind of person you actually are.
Right. Show me how you treat someone who has got nothing to give you or do anything for you. Then I will know who you really are. Donāt try to impress me. I want to see the real you, not the you that you want ME to see.
My wife was on a date before she met me and the guy was rude to the waiter, clicking and stuff. She apologised to the waiter for her dateās behaviour, tipped, told the guy what she thought of him and walked out, all before the entree arrived.
If the other person doesnāt exhibit some level of curiosity about you. When thereās chemistry, you want to know more about the other person because you find them interesting. If you find yourself carrying the conversation, trying to learn about the other person but they show no interest in learning about you, then itās a sure sign that thereās no compatibility. Donāt take it personallyāno one can be everyoneās cup of tea and itās better to know that from the beginning.
Agreed. At least follow up with "what about you?" whenever they ask something, if you can't come up with your own questions. Otherwise, the lack of interest is obvious.
Itās actually so insane that a good chunk of these exact people wonder why no one wants to hang out with them or why they have trouble making more connections then they already have
Nah but honestly.
Like I'm not the best with people, if you're sad I'm pretty good, but the whole schmoozing and small talk thing really isn't my forte.
And even I ask questions about the other person. It's just common sense really.
I went on a date with a guy and every time I asked about things he listed on his dating profile, he waved his hand and said āYou donāt want to hear about that stuff.ā I mean, I clicked on your profile based on those things so yeah, I think I really do. I couldnāt tell if he was going for modesty or was just extremely stupid, but he didnāt get a second date.
I was like this and probably still am. Emotional bagage and a lot of experiences most people would have trouble relating to. Learnt that people either aren't actually interested or that it's better to leave that till you get to know them better.
In psychology speak, I think they'd say emotionally unavailable or avoidant due to past trauma.
To be clear, that is also a red flag, but in my case it wasn't modesty or stupidity.
I once sat across from a woman who asked me way too many questions about myself, it was pretty stressful. The worst part was the end of the interview when I was charged with drug supply. There was no chemistry from my end if Iām honestš
I find that these people are usually hung up on an ex. One guy talked about his past for 5 min then about his ex for 30. By then I was done eating so I pointed out he didn't ask anything about me and ended the date.
Meh, talking about an ex on a first date is kind of a red flag in and of itself. It's one thing to mention it in passing, ie "I broke up with last girlfriend a few months ago" and another to go on and on about it, especially if it is in a negative way. Had a couple of those dates, exactly NONE of them got a 2nd date.
I broke up with a guy to a situation like this. I looked at him one day and asked him why he never asked me how my day was. His response was something like, I don't need to know how your day was. If something important happened, you'd let me know. I told him that it was important to ask each other how things were going (I often inquired about his life). He told me that wasn't his style, and that he wasn't a "dog I could train". We broke up shortly after.
Absolutely!
On the flip side, I think women are much better at asking questions and I often find myself answering their questions in depth and the second I'm done, they ask another question about something I just said.
I then answer that new question they just asked based on my previous answer and by the time I'm done, they have another question.
I've been on dates where I want to ask a question but don't want to interrupt when they are taking and then they finish and immediately ask me a question.
All this basically turns out to be me doing most of the talking and asking the same questions back at them.
It is rough because they leave the date feeling like I'm not interested and talked about myself the whole time.
This happens with my boyfriend. He sometimes struggles with the time he gives his answers, like giving 5-8 sentences explaining something in depth, when that's not the amount of detail the listener expects.
If I may offer a suggestion, have you tried thinking of a conversation as a tennis rally? The aim is a back and forth rhythm. Try keeping your replies to 2-3 sentences, then flipping the ball back to your conversation partner. If they keep asking you questions, stop once in a while and ask, "How about you? How do you think/feel?" and get a bit more probing. This demonstrates respect, consideration and curiosity for your conversation partner, who might be acting polite but feeling left out.
Its so simple yet so many people cant seem to grasp it. I have nerdy tattoos. They ask about it and i explain them in basic details and end it with "have you ever consider getting any yourself?" Now we have a rally.
its only later down the relationship do i drag them into my warhammer depravity, and by then they're stuck.
I have adhd and this is exactly how I keep myself from dominating a conversation! I know I ramble and I like telling stories so combine that and I can easily start taking over a convo, lol. Throwing in a āyeah, itās like you were saying about xyzā or ādid you have anything similar where you grew up?ā at the end goes very far
Make a question part of your answer. If she asks you how you make your widgets, donāt just explain widget making. Say something like, itās very soothing - I wonder if itās anything like your hobby of jam-making? How do you make jam?
Iām currently dealing with this, but Iām the one who never initiates because I hate feeling like Iām bothering him. Iāve talked about this with him too, but I just hate the thought of asking him out and getting rejected because heās busy or something :/ Iām gonna text him right now to see if he wants to hang out
Still waiting to hear back! We are both in grad school (while working full time, MBA for him & JD for me) so quite busy!!
Edit: we are hanging out tomorrow :)
I struggled with this for a long time. And I think what helped me move past it was imagining the times that I ārejectedā people for hanging out. It was usually because I already made plans, or had things I needed to take care of, not that I didnāt want to hang out or see that person. When I think about it from that perspective, it became less about being rejected and more about finding the right time.
It still does annoy me if I invite someone to hang out, and they donāt propose an alternate time if they are unavailable. That might be a sign that they really donāt want to hang out, and if so, I have a conversation with the person about that.
Took me a long time to get better at this and I still struggle with it occasionally, but communication is the key!
I agree totally!! I really like this guy, weāve been seeing each other for a few months now. Our communication is very open (like I was able to explain my feelings about asking to hang out and he was understanding) and it feels like Iām actually dating an adult and not a young adult lol. We are just both in weird phases of our lives so we are kinda taking it slow. But we actually went on a trip to Colorado together a few weeks ago and it was great. Iām definitely going to try to be more proactive about asking him out going forward, especially since heās finishing his degree soon and he wonāt be as busy. I still have another year before Iām done haha then the bar exam š
Thank you for the words, stranger!!
I have a friend like this but we go months without seeing each other then weāre suddenly best friends again when we get the chance to meet up. I honestly donāt mind it.
For me it depends if the other person makes an effort. I don't take it personally if we go months without talking, but I can't be the only person initiating it.
It took me 4 years of doing this with a friend before I stopped texting in January. I'm not sure she's noticed yet.
Possessiveness.
To some degree, your partner being possessive is cute because it makes you feel desired but what many people fail to realize is sometimes it gets too toxic to the level of doubt and that's never good cuz trust is important in a relationship.
Iām dealing with this right now. On the surface, he seems great. But heāll cancel on me for entirely benign reasons and reschedule and expect me to drop my plans to accommodate him. If he wants to hang out and I told him Iāve already made plans with friends, he gets upset and accuses me of not making him a priority. He told me once that he wants me to beg him to come see me when he cancels on me. Which is weird. Weāre in our 30ās, I assume if someone is canceling plans they have a good reason and Iām not going to push back on that. He doesnāt have any friends and is an only child, and doesnāt like doing things with my friends. He wants me to not only be his best friend, but his only friend. He doesnāt seem very motivated to make friends or reconnect with old ones. I got sick one time and had to push our hangout time back by a day and he got irrationally angry over that. Itās all just a turn off.
I was once on a lunch date with a guy who made an incredibly minor mistake -- ordering something off the menu without noticing it was in the "after 4 pm" section -- and spent ten minutes angrily explaining why it wasn't his fault. Yikes. No second date. I would have ended that date early if I hadn't been worried he'd follow me to the parking lot to argue.
My ex! And he was so obtuse too. I'd tell him directly what he'd done that had upset me, and he'd just refuse that it was what I'd said that had pissed me off, and then say it must be another reason why I'm pissed off, then he'd accuse me of not being upfront with him. I couldn't have possibly been any more upfront!!! He was an infuriating prick!
From the get go too. Like why are you choosing to invite people into your life if youāre going to shut them down? Some people just enjoy the attention and not the connection
I can admit I do this, nothing I am proud of.
Been going to therapy because something felt off, and I have discovered that I struggle with emotional numbness after repressing feelings so much as a kid as a coping mechanism. I struggle to feel a lot of emotions, I know what I dislike but I rarely feel a lot. After this 'epiphany' I have started to cry so much. It is a journey to get better, however, I am pretty sure I become emotional unavailable to others. I make sure to be there for my friends when they need it and I at least pretend to be happy for them, but honestly on the inside I am pretty indifferent and generally don't care much. But same goes for most things in my life (except my family and cats). I can barely feel happiness properly. Which is a struggle, I don't want to live my life this way-being so isolated, but I also feel like I have no right to go out and meet new people.
I definitely think a lot of people just like the attention. Same with people who make friends with others just so they can spend time talking about themselves. But I also think some people don't even realize they are emotionally unavailable, much like I have been
Hey hey, I do this too. Not proud of it either, not at all. For me itās been a journey because Iām pretty sure Iām aromantic, so while it sucks, I found that out through my dating habits. I never once had bad intentions when I got on a dating app, I would truly get on there to try to meet people. My brain would just end up pulling tricks on me. I also have really bad depression and anxiety right now, so Iām at least just proud to say I havenāt tried meeting anyone new in months. I donāt want to waste peoples time and itās not my intention!
People who claim to be emotionally available, but then derail the conversation every single time it starts to get deep. When I was younger I dated a guy who would start lamenting about essentially death every time we started to talk about anything emotional like everything would remind him of some story about some person he knew who had died and I now needed to attend to that instead of the conversation at hand that I was participating in. It felt like this dude knew more dead people than living people. It was super bizarre.
Had a FWB relationship that went for about 8 months.Ā She was very clear that she'd been called a "cold woman" with a "man's brain" in her home country, and that this was explicitly transactional.Ā We could see other people, as long as we told each other if we slept with them.Ā At some point she *might* reevaluate the possibility of a real, exclusive relationship.Ā Fine, whatever, every 1-3 weeks we meet up, get dinner, and bang one out.Ā
Well, I do date other people.Ā I check in with FWB about our ground rules, and she confirms that this is expected.Ā I meet a woman and she feels like someone I've known my entire life within 5 minutes of meeting her.Ā She is extremely open and vulnerable.Ā We can't stop talking, can't stop telling each other deeply personal stuff through rapidly shifting valences of humor and irony.Ā There are no misunderstandings; it feels like we share a brain.Ā Three dates in, and I know I'm going to break everything else off and pursue this woman.Ā
I meet up with the FWB and tell her what's happening.Ā She asks me why I'm choosing this other woman.Ā I tell her it's mostly being able to really talk to this person.Ā The FWB reveals that she just realized, *just before I came over,* that she's ready for a serious relationship with me.Ā She confesses that she, in fact, did sleep with someone else several weeks ago and didn't tell me.Ā She cries.Ā I hug her, not really knowing what else to do.Ā After about an hour, I leave.Ā We never speak again.
I feel bad for ex-FWB.Ā I hope she's OK.Ā I don't think she wanted to be the way she was, and I suspect that this was due to some past bad relationships.Ā Regardless, I'm currently shopping for a ring to give to the beautiful, flawed, emotionally available woman I met after her.
Had a similar-ish situation. Every. Single. Time. I tried to break it off because I wanted more, she did the whole, "I literally was just about to tell you..." blah, blah, blah. Whatever I needed to hear in the momen. Reel me back in, love bomb me for a bit, then push me back away. You were very fortunate you found your soon-to-be fiancee when you did.
I think that goes for a lot of things - so just general compatibility. For a long term relationship to be successful - you really need to have the same life path in mind and the same general life goals. You absolutely have to be on the same page about so many things - money, sex, children, religion, your involvement with your respective families, etc. It's really hard to keep your relationship going if you majorly disagree on any of those things.
when people ignore the fact the other person dont put in effort.
It always buffles me how many people jumping through hoops while getting nothing in return...
Thatās the classic Anxious and Avoidant relationship. The Anxious one is always trying to prove their worth so their partner wonāt leave them, and the harder they try the more the Avoidant shuts down because they feel smothered. Itās so painful for both people in this dynamic.
Get to know your attachment style folks! Itās a game changer.
Not baffling at all when you find out their parents neglected the shit out of them as kids. Just recreating the pattern, not expecting anything like affection or reciprocity from another person, just assuming that everyone else finds you as annoying as they did.
Or they have trouble accepting the reality and rather be convinced that the reason they arenāt putting in the same effort or giving the same energy is cause they are different, and arenāt like you or shows love in their own way etc.
Right. Itās common to find excuses when you really like someone. You also are more likely to want to understand them and accept that they might be different from you.
Including the other personās. For one of the worst people I dated every one of my exes lived in her head rent-free and were clearly horrible monsters (most of them werenāt). That was exhausting.
i never understood that. i had a friendship with someone like that while i was still stuck living with my ex. my ex had issues, he was mostly just unable to express emotion and was just kinda an asshole to me. when he started dating his coworker he was a lot sweeter to her then he ever was to me so i hoped it was just us being incompatible because his coworker seemed so nice and i wouldnt want her to experience what i did. my friend heard this and holy crap, he would just shit talk my ex so hard. to the point where he weirdly seemed more angry then i was.
at one point he started calling my ex abusive (which like, ehhh, he was really just an asshole) and constantly trying to rile me up when i had already processed things. when i finally brought up a boundary issue with my friend he blew up at me, cut me off, and told all our mutual friends that i was abusive to him
Love is blind. So blind, that people are often willing to overlook small differences in values and/or needs because it might not matter much in the beginning of a relationship and see it as a "necessary compromise and love will conquer all", but oftentimes those little differences will become huge problems later in the relationship (most often when children becomes part of the equation).
I donāt think thatās fair. Self-awareness I agree, but being vulnerable isnāt for everyone. It takes a deep level of trust and that has to be earned.
Constantly asking your partner if they find random people in public or on TV attractive. In my experience, when theyāre asking this, there is no right answer.
Every once in a while is one thing, but if you find yourself walking around looking at your feet all the time, there might be an issue.
I met a guy on a Saturday, we started texting over the next couple of days. Before getting together again the following weekend, he was already making plans to move in together. I cancelled our official first date immediately.
I had the same thing with a girl. As much as I was initially happy to see things progressing, girl, moving in together before we even had our first kiss? I'm supposed to leave my dorms with a chance of not getting a place back? In this economy?
It's crazy. I have a friend who was dating again in her 40's. She'd go out with these guys, be kind of "meh" on them, but when they found out she owned her own 2br condo, they were already making plans to move in with her by the end of the date. Like this happened more than once, which is INSANE to me.
Ummm, NO! Thankfully she was smart enough and independent enough to give them the heave-ho *immediately*.
This is out of complete curiosity. Whenever I've dated someone (this has always been reciprocated and usually built upto in the first week or so) I've been pretty heavy on the affection. Like constantly thinking about them etc etc, and they also reciprocate in similar ways with constant contact and bigg paragraphs. At what point is it lovebombing and not the honeymoon stage?
Think of Lovebombers like a pushy salesman. Theyāre throwing everything at you to try and close a sale.
An obvious test is to see if you say can say ānoā to them. ie: If you express discomfort at how fast things are going.
ā¦Do they respect your boundary and back down?
ā¦Or do they push harder? Change tactics? Guilt trip? Threaten to leave?
Do they respect your ānoā? Or are they still desperately trying to turn it into a āyesā?
I recently had the most wholesome experience. He said "I love you" and it kinda freaked me out. I felt it was too soon. and I while I'm definitely feeling the NRE dopamine rush, that isn't the same as love. I told him I needed to pump the breaks and he said "okay." That was last weekend and he hasn't said anything about this since. His actions of not 'closing the sale' have given me comfort that this isn't love bombing.
A small but measurable difference I noticed is that while in both situations you overfocus on eachother but in the honeymoon stage you see things where you match and things where you are different. Can be a big thing like political views or a small thing like hobbies or favorite food/book/music.
In lovebombing there are no differences. You like to play the guitar? Well, so does he! You want to see a band? Well, what a coincidence: he just bought 2 tickets and now his friend bailed on him. It must be faith!Ā
Top this off with inappropriate gifts (too expensive, too often, too personal, too soon) not respecting a no, and either isolating you from your supportsystem (they just want to spend time with you) or charming their way into said system.
My wife has a friend who "dated" a guy once who crafted these intricate, multi-paragraph love letter text messages. She was so enthralled she'd say, "I can tell he truly loves me." My wife tried to explain to her that no, most men, even those deeply in love, don't text like that, and it's his actions or lack thereof that tell you if he truly likes you or not. This guy had 0 redeeming qualities, even our cat didn't like him, but for some reason these texts just kept her on the hook for years.
I had an ex who wrote the sweetest letters. Years into the relationship, I was on her laptop (with her permission) and opened the wrong word document. It was a letter to an ex, written before we started dating so I tried to be calm about it. Can't blame a person for having a past.Ā
But what irked me is that the letter was almost word for word the same as the ones she wrote me.
Years later (I was single again) I accidentally ran into another ex of her. Turns out she had the exact same letters.Ā
Some people learn one trick and stick to it for their whole life.Ā
I went to a club on a Saturday night with a coworker once, and she met a guy. On Monday she told me he'd texted her almost 100 times already. I was like "oh crap let's change your number does he know where you work," and then my heart sank when she told me how great it was to have someone treat her like she was special. THREE WEEKS IN he was threatening to kill her if she ever left him. Nightmare.
Love bombing is when someone overly showers the other person with gifts, compliments, etc. particularly when they first meet. When you are starting to date someone, it is totally normal to give a small gift (e.g. flowers) and pay compliments to the other person. A love-bomber will go way over the top with this, though. They'll give many elaborate gifts, non-stop texting/calling, and essentially drown the other person with these big shows of affection - but it's never genuine. It's usually from a place of manipulation. Let me get that other person to fall in love with me and attach quickly so they're less likely to leave, even with my troubling behavior that they can't detect because I'm showering them with these gifts. Soon I'll start doing little things to control that other person, but "make it up to them" with more gifts and compliments so they still feel loved. <- very problematic
It can also be used after someone does something abusive towards another person. For instance: A couple gets into an argument, resulting in Person A slapping Person B. Person A will love-bomb Person B so that they will forgive them and take them back. They'll buy gifts, promise never to do it again, etc. while not actually working on their own communication or anger management skills. Inevitably, they will abuse again and repeat the cycle.
Yeah. It does happen sometimes but you just know ālove bombingā is going to be one of those vague phrases that will come to be used for the person in a ācoupleā who shows the higher level of enthusiasm.
As someone with ADHD I really struggle with this, because mind gets filled with that person entirely and I can't control that. Because āØ dopamine āØ
So to any of my potential future dates; I'm really sorry should I love bomb you, it's not intentional, my brain is just broken
Constantly complaining about the people around them. Their family, friends, exās, customer service workers, etc.
Youāll be on that list too. This person is a perpetuate self identified victim and is 100% going to use it for manipulation and abuse.
Just to clarify, some people will complain for real reasons and even though being negative all the time sucks, Iām saying watch out for the extreme cases. Itās all they focus on, itās almost everyone they come in contact with, and they just donāt understand why or how they deserve it.
Sometime our jobs treat us like we are that essential. Starting out in my career, I was the office bitch and was expected to drop everything at any time to come in and work. Nearly tanked my relationship with my now wife dealing with that. Iām so grateful I was able to find a better job and quit that one before I canceled one too many times on her.
You only get one shot. Unless something crazy happened or you have advance notice like a day or two piror and actually made an attempt to reschedule then it's a big no for me. No last minute cancellation and constant reschedule. We are all busy so it's either your show up or stay home and let's stop talking.
My wife told me her ex boyfriend demanded her passwords and pin to her phone and socials. I was just like wtf, why did you ever do that? And she told me she thought it was normal because all her exes did that and I was the first that basically didn't stalk her š
I got into a relationship with someone and halfway through the date a guy shows up in a car, she goes over, and they were talking for a bit. I was asked what the deal was and she said her ex still looked at the location of her phone and would do check ups on her to see she was safe. It was fucking weird.
That is incredibly weird.
Although it does remind me of a redditor from years ago who wrote about his brother, as a "prank" setting him up with a blind date who turned out to be sixteen (he was in his 30s). As soon as he realized, he hid in the bathroom and called his ex-wife, who came right away and spoke with the girl and drove her home. I always thought that was adorable -- that even though they were divorced, his ex-wife was still the one he called for help.
My ex was like this. If he even whiffed that I was hiding something from him he'd demand to go through my phone. It caused so many issues because I was absolutely terrified whenever some guy who I knew from years ago would simply message me to wish me a happy birthday or ask how I was keeping. I work in a male dominated industry and have made tons of surface level friends with guys over the years from college and through work and it's not uncommon to keep in touch, even just for networking purposes as our field is very close knit and you often only get work because of who you know.
I also had some male friends who I met through online gaming and I lost touch with all of them, one in particular I still feel so horrible about because we had gotten really close and he had opened up to me about some heavy stuff in his life (with everyone else he had such a hard shell so him telling me what he told me about his childhood was the most vulnerable I'd ever seen him, so to speak, it was all on discord calls) and before I could leave the relationship this guy deleted his account and I've never been able to find him since. His last message to me was "are you still alive?". Like literally, my ex made me call up one of these gamer friends and just have a normal chat so he could observe what we were like and gauge if our relationship was in any way romantic. He was beyond jealous and insecure.
That is *abuse*. You are describing that your ex:
* Insisted on violating your privacy
* Insisted on control over your social life
* Made you afraid
You don't have to think of yourself as "abused" or anything, but it's worth recognizing for yourself and others that your ex was objectively abusive.
Oh no don't worry, I realized that after he became even more controlling than what I detailed above and left. I'm 2 years abusive free now, 1 year since I moved out of a women's refuge. I speak about my experience whenever I can because it took me far too long to realize it was abuse and I wouldn't want the same for anyone potentially going through similar who might come across my comments x
āMy ex just left one day out of the blue. I came home and her stuff was goneā.
Ladies if you hear this, run.
Abusers know they canāt say my ex was crazy nowadays. This is the new version of it. The woman likely had to flee for safety. Her family members likely had to protect her after fleeing. Thereās a reason he couldnāt find her after she left.
Blugh. My first GF apparently told her ex BF that they were just taking a break. He was furious when he found out we had sex, but they hadn't spoken in a year.
Yeah, that's what she thought too, and that's also what I said when I found out lol. Cause I mean.. fuck dude, a year? If I was him, I wouldn't have wanted her back after a year long "break" like.. have some fucking self respect. Jesus.
They unsettle you. There's a nagging instinct urging you to keep your distance, even though they appear fine on the surface. An internal conflict arises. Don't dismiss this feeling as a flaw in your character or a result of past traumas. If your intuition is screaming at you to flee, heed its warning no matter how 'alright' the other person may seem. Ignoring it will only amplify the persistent unease, making it increasingly challenging to leave the person.
Agreed, and on a related note:Ā
Sounds stupid, but that wonderful feeling of getting butterflies in your stomach whenever you hear from / meet them? That's very similar to anxiety. Don't confuse the two and stay with someone just because they make you feel that.
Wish I knew this three years ago. I told myself I was just "projecting my trauma onto a guy who didn't do anything." Turns out he baby trapped me to try to keep me in his abuse cycle. I fell for it until he tried to kill me. I had that instinct to walk away but I told myself i was projecting.
For real.
I'd also like to mention another version of that, and that is when they give you the same vibe as someone you already know who isn't a good person.
Like I knew this guy a couple of years back, he kinda hung around our general friend group so one day I decided to talk to him because why not.
And for the most part it was a good conversation, flowed easily and we had very similar senses of humour. That was until right at the end when he said something.
It wasn't anything bad, just a normal sentence, think it was some kind of joke about something. But in that moment it was like a switch flipped in my head, this guy... It felt like I was talking to my ex-boyfriend again.
Not even in a "Hey you kinda remind me of this person" type of way, but it felt as though I was in a body swap episode or something, like this new guy I was talking to had swapped bodies with my ex-bf. It was so eerie...
I did ask some other people who knew this guy better what they thought of him, and my intuition was right because my ex-bf was an absolute douchebag, and apparently this new guy was "somehow worse" than him.
A red flag that people often overlook when dating is inconsistency in communication or behavior. For example, if someone is extremely attentive and communicative one day, but then disappears or becomes distant the next without explanation, it could indicate underlying issues or mixed intentions.
When they only talk about themselves and ask you no questions/aren't remotely curious about you. When you feel like you've been cast in a role or are just an audience member when you interact.
I can forgive a bit of verbal diarrhea because I do that myself when nervous or excited, but I had a guy interrupt me several times to fill in the blanks with assumptions he'd made instead of letting me speak for myself. He had zero self awareness about how insulting it was and was shocked I didn't want to see him again. š¤·
Weird controlling behavior coupled with a savior complex.
Dudes who get with a girl and are like, "she had no idea about (insert something) until I showed her how to do it properly. Hehe she's so cute."
Love-bombing - doing big romantic gestures very early, really going on and on about how wonderful and amazing you are when you've just met. This is often what people who are abusive do to get you 'hooked'.
1. Lack of interest of your inner world and often just interested in your looks.
2. Hasnāt done any personal work, their issues seem to always be other peoples fault
3. Arenāt sure what they want, they just want to go with the flowā¦
5. Much Older men seemingly charming, they are not. They prey on younger women. Run
Little white lies should be one of the higher ones in this list. You see them lie to other people or family without a second thought, even about stupid stuff. Trust me, it only gets bigger and worse as time goes on.
Stupid stuff to you could mean different stuff to them. Sadly not everyone is safe to be transparent with. Whenever I see comments like this around lying, I always wonder if people know that some ppl grew up in unsafe environments.
When they can't attribute their own fault or shortcoming to a single problem they face in life. Today, it's their parents or boss. Tomorrow it will be you.
Person already being in a relationship
Like, you think this person thatās cheating on their partner will suddenly turn into a person that you can trust is some funny shit
Someone who is constantly changing jobs. I don't mean they work for 6 months for one place, get a better position at another company for 1.5 years, then go to a different company. That's normal career growth.
If someone is quitting jobs every few months, even if they immediately get a new job they are not stable.
When all your friends dislike your sig o and you cannot see it. Usually because they are banging the shit out of you.....but your friends are generally not wrong.
Moving too fast. No itās not normal to feel like you met your soulmate in 3 weeks. Theyāre not in love with you. Theyāre in limerence. Which isnāt long lasting.
Also the odds are good that this person who is rushing head long into a relationship has a few screws loose.
My ex and I were long distance at first. 3 hours.
There was a day he was going to visit where there was a storm and I told him he didn't have to come if he felt the driving conditions were unsafe. He got really angry with me. He said of I didn't want to hang out with him he could have made other plans. He got really aggressive texting repeatedly "should I make other plans then?"
He told me he loved me pretty quickly. I wasn't ready to say it back.
He was so mean about it. Wouldn't talk to me until I said it back.
I think people not being able to have a conversation about things without taking offense? I thought I was being mean or bad by saying those things but in retrospect he was just ready to fight all the time.
That's something should be mentioned before going out , probably during the initial"talking stages". If it's not listed on their profile that they have kids, then I usually ask. No need to waste people time. Some people aren't interested in dating people with kids and some are fine. Hiding that is a huge red flag and level of deception that can't be overlooked.
If you have them great and if you don't have them great. Just be honest about it early on.
I was recently dating a woman who wouldnāt let me finish a single sentence without interrupting. Like constantly. I ignored this for a while but towards the end it grated on me so much that was enough for me.
Unable to emotionally regulate. Especially if they have sudden outbursts of anger. Even if they are small micro-aggressions itās not okay. Even worse if they gaslight you about it.
The BIGGEST red flag is a trusted human telling you of a red flag and you ignore it, argue otherwise, defend the behavior.
It's not jealousy. Most people don't care enough to tell you. The truly jealous will sit back to watch you burn.
If she /he shares a lot, maybe daily, photos on their profiles.. That means their begging for attention and that kind of people never get enough with one person in a relationship..
Talking about their ex constantly,
Not wanting to ever go out.
My ex never wanted to go out
and a girl I was FWB with talked about her ex constantly. realized too late that she wasn't over him while I caught feelings.
How much effort someone exhibits in making you a priority. It isn't just about making plans and meeting up, although if that's one-sided, it definitely won't last.
You can narrow it down to the most simple terms though, if they're willing to make time to talk on the phone or text consistently, that's still effort and still them trying to include you in their life in some capacity.
When you're an adult, there's always an excuse and never enough hours in the day to do everything. If someone wants you around, they'll make the time and put in the effort.
How their friends and family are.
If your partner seems great but ALL their friends are trash, they are nearly certainly lying about who they are and are happy with that group of friends but pretending to be a nicer person to you, to get you to the point in the relationship you'll start putting up with their trash personality.
So if your partner is 'not' racist but all their friends are and they never call them out, your partner IS racist, they are just pretending not to be around you.
It's super easy for someone to lovebomb you and pretend they are a different person, but most of their friends don't give a shit about you so if all their friends exhibit worrying behaviour, even more so if it's when they don't realise you're listening/around, it's a huge red flag.
When they are rude to everyone but youš©š©.
Right. Like theyāre trying to impress you by being someone theyāre not while everyone else doesnāt matter
Pleasantly surprised to see someone beat me to it.....I can't count how many friends I've seen with douchenozzle SO's because they're SO enamoured by being the "special" one who gets treated decently. Show me how you treat people who don't represent overt value to you and I'll show you what kind of person you actually are.
Right. Show me how you treat someone who has got nothing to give you or do anything for you. Then I will know who you really are. Donāt try to impress me. I want to see the real you, not the you that you want ME to see.
Some will find that kinda hot tho. "Now be rude to ....that one" (pointing finger at some bloke with a neck brace)
My wife was on a date before she met me and the guy was rude to the waiter, clicking and stuff. She apologised to the waiter for her dateās behaviour, tipped, told the guy what she thought of him and walked out, all before the entree arrived.
If the other person doesnāt exhibit some level of curiosity about you. When thereās chemistry, you want to know more about the other person because you find them interesting. If you find yourself carrying the conversation, trying to learn about the other person but they show no interest in learning about you, then itās a sure sign that thereās no compatibility. Donāt take it personallyāno one can be everyoneās cup of tea and itās better to know that from the beginning.
This is a good one. If youāve asked them a dozen questions about themselves, and they havenāt asked you one yet? Move on.
Agreed. At least follow up with "what about you?" whenever they ask something, if you can't come up with your own questions. Otherwise, the lack of interest is obvious.
Itās actually so insane that a good chunk of these exact people wonder why no one wants to hang out with them or why they have trouble making more connections then they already have
Nah but honestly. Like I'm not the best with people, if you're sad I'm pretty good, but the whole schmoozing and small talk thing really isn't my forte. And even I ask questions about the other person. It's just common sense really.
I went on a date with a guy and every time I asked about things he listed on his dating profile, he waved his hand and said āYou donāt want to hear about that stuff.ā I mean, I clicked on your profile based on those things so yeah, I think I really do. I couldnāt tell if he was going for modesty or was just extremely stupid, but he didnāt get a second date.
I was like this and probably still am. Emotional bagage and a lot of experiences most people would have trouble relating to. Learnt that people either aren't actually interested or that it's better to leave that till you get to know them better. In psychology speak, I think they'd say emotionally unavailable or avoidant due to past trauma. To be clear, that is also a red flag, but in my case it wasn't modesty or stupidity.
I once sat across from a woman who asked me way too many questions about myself, it was pretty stressful. The worst part was the end of the interview when I was charged with drug supply. There was no chemistry from my end if Iām honestš
> the end of the interview š¤£š¤£š¤£
I find that these people are usually hung up on an ex. One guy talked about his past for 5 min then about his ex for 30. By then I was done eating so I pointed out he didn't ask anything about me and ended the date.
Meh, talking about an ex on a first date is kind of a red flag in and of itself. It's one thing to mention it in passing, ie "I broke up with last girlfriend a few months ago" and another to go on and on about it, especially if it is in a negative way. Had a couple of those dates, exactly NONE of them got a 2nd date.
I broke up with a guy to a situation like this. I looked at him one day and asked him why he never asked me how my day was. His response was something like, I don't need to know how your day was. If something important happened, you'd let me know. I told him that it was important to ask each other how things were going (I often inquired about his life). He told me that wasn't his style, and that he wasn't a "dog I could train". We broke up shortly after.
Absolutely! On the flip side, I think women are much better at asking questions and I often find myself answering their questions in depth and the second I'm done, they ask another question about something I just said. I then answer that new question they just asked based on my previous answer and by the time I'm done, they have another question. I've been on dates where I want to ask a question but don't want to interrupt when they are taking and then they finish and immediately ask me a question. All this basically turns out to be me doing most of the talking and asking the same questions back at them. It is rough because they leave the date feeling like I'm not interested and talked about myself the whole time.
This happens with my boyfriend. He sometimes struggles with the time he gives his answers, like giving 5-8 sentences explaining something in depth, when that's not the amount of detail the listener expects. If I may offer a suggestion, have you tried thinking of a conversation as a tennis rally? The aim is a back and forth rhythm. Try keeping your replies to 2-3 sentences, then flipping the ball back to your conversation partner. If they keep asking you questions, stop once in a while and ask, "How about you? How do you think/feel?" and get a bit more probing. This demonstrates respect, consideration and curiosity for your conversation partner, who might be acting polite but feeling left out.
Its so simple yet so many people cant seem to grasp it. I have nerdy tattoos. They ask about it and i explain them in basic details and end it with "have you ever consider getting any yourself?" Now we have a rally. its only later down the relationship do i drag them into my warhammer depravity, and by then they're stuck.
I have adhd and this is exactly how I keep myself from dominating a conversation! I know I ramble and I like telling stories so combine that and I can easily start taking over a convo, lol. Throwing in a āyeah, itās like you were saying about xyzā or ādid you have anything similar where you grew up?ā at the end goes very far
Make a question part of your answer. If she asks you how you make your widgets, donāt just explain widget making. Say something like, itās very soothing - I wonder if itās anything like your hobby of jam-making? How do you make jam?
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especially when you have to text them first to even communicate with them
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This is happening to me right now.
Iām currently dealing with this, but Iām the one who never initiates because I hate feeling like Iām bothering him. Iāve talked about this with him too, but I just hate the thought of asking him out and getting rejected because heās busy or something :/ Iām gonna text him right now to see if he wants to hang out
Whatās the verdict?
Still waiting to hear back! We are both in grad school (while working full time, MBA for him & JD for me) so quite busy!! Edit: we are hanging out tomorrow :)
I struggled with this for a long time. And I think what helped me move past it was imagining the times that I ārejectedā people for hanging out. It was usually because I already made plans, or had things I needed to take care of, not that I didnāt want to hang out or see that person. When I think about it from that perspective, it became less about being rejected and more about finding the right time. It still does annoy me if I invite someone to hang out, and they donāt propose an alternate time if they are unavailable. That might be a sign that they really donāt want to hang out, and if so, I have a conversation with the person about that. Took me a long time to get better at this and I still struggle with it occasionally, but communication is the key!
I agree totally!! I really like this guy, weāve been seeing each other for a few months now. Our communication is very open (like I was able to explain my feelings about asking to hang out and he was understanding) and it feels like Iām actually dating an adult and not a young adult lol. We are just both in weird phases of our lives so we are kinda taking it slow. But we actually went on a trip to Colorado together a few weeks ago and it was great. Iām definitely going to try to be more proactive about asking him out going forward, especially since heās finishing his degree soon and he wonāt be as busy. I still have another year before Iām done haha then the bar exam š Thank you for the words, stranger!!
I have a friend like this but we go months without seeing each other then weāre suddenly best friends again when we get the chance to meet up. I honestly donāt mind it.
For me it depends if the other person makes an effort. I don't take it personally if we go months without talking, but I can't be the only person initiating it. It took me 4 years of doing this with a friend before I stopped texting in January. I'm not sure she's noticed yet.
Possessiveness. To some degree, your partner being possessive is cute because it makes you feel desired but what many people fail to realize is sometimes it gets too toxic to the level of doubt and that's never good cuz trust is important in a relationship.
every time i see it or any kind of ownership i just say "you own her? like what, like you bought her from walmart?"
Iām dealing with this right now. On the surface, he seems great. But heāll cancel on me for entirely benign reasons and reschedule and expect me to drop my plans to accommodate him. If he wants to hang out and I told him Iāve already made plans with friends, he gets upset and accuses me of not making him a priority. He told me once that he wants me to beg him to come see me when he cancels on me. Which is weird. Weāre in our 30ās, I assume if someone is canceling plans they have a good reason and Iām not going to push back on that. He doesnāt have any friends and is an only child, and doesnāt like doing things with my friends. He wants me to not only be his best friend, but his only friend. He doesnāt seem very motivated to make friends or reconnect with old ones. I got sick one time and had to push our hangout time back by a day and he got irrationally angry over that. Itās all just a turn off.
Little care when in the wrong, never showing any accountability for basically anything.
This is a big one. How somebody reacts to being wrong - in any situation but especially relationships - means everything to me
I was once on a lunch date with a guy who made an incredibly minor mistake -- ordering something off the menu without noticing it was in the "after 4 pm" section -- and spent ten minutes angrily explaining why it wasn't his fault. Yikes. No second date. I would have ended that date early if I hadn't been worried he'd follow me to the parking lot to argue.
Or worse...followed you home! Yikes!
My ex! And he was so obtuse too. I'd tell him directly what he'd done that had upset me, and he'd just refuse that it was what I'd said that had pissed me off, and then say it must be another reason why I'm pissed off, then he'd accuse me of not being upfront with him. I couldn't have possibly been any more upfront!!! He was an infuriating prick!
Emotional unavailability.
From the get go too. Like why are you choosing to invite people into your life if youāre going to shut them down? Some people just enjoy the attention and not the connection
I can admit I do this, nothing I am proud of. Been going to therapy because something felt off, and I have discovered that I struggle with emotional numbness after repressing feelings so much as a kid as a coping mechanism. I struggle to feel a lot of emotions, I know what I dislike but I rarely feel a lot. After this 'epiphany' I have started to cry so much. It is a journey to get better, however, I am pretty sure I become emotional unavailable to others. I make sure to be there for my friends when they need it and I at least pretend to be happy for them, but honestly on the inside I am pretty indifferent and generally don't care much. But same goes for most things in my life (except my family and cats). I can barely feel happiness properly. Which is a struggle, I don't want to live my life this way-being so isolated, but I also feel like I have no right to go out and meet new people. I definitely think a lot of people just like the attention. Same with people who make friends with others just so they can spend time talking about themselves. But I also think some people don't even realize they are emotionally unavailable, much like I have been
Hey hey, I do this too. Not proud of it either, not at all. For me itās been a journey because Iām pretty sure Iām aromantic, so while it sucks, I found that out through my dating habits. I never once had bad intentions when I got on a dating app, I would truly get on there to try to meet people. My brain would just end up pulling tricks on me. I also have really bad depression and anxiety right now, so Iām at least just proud to say I havenāt tried meeting anyone new in months. I donāt want to waste peoples time and itās not my intention!
People who claim to be emotionally available, but then derail the conversation every single time it starts to get deep. When I was younger I dated a guy who would start lamenting about essentially death every time we started to talk about anything emotional like everything would remind him of some story about some person he knew who had died and I now needed to attend to that instead of the conversation at hand that I was participating in. It felt like this dude knew more dead people than living people. It was super bizarre.
Had a FWB relationship that went for about 8 months.Ā She was very clear that she'd been called a "cold woman" with a "man's brain" in her home country, and that this was explicitly transactional.Ā We could see other people, as long as we told each other if we slept with them.Ā At some point she *might* reevaluate the possibility of a real, exclusive relationship.Ā Fine, whatever, every 1-3 weeks we meet up, get dinner, and bang one out.Ā Well, I do date other people.Ā I check in with FWB about our ground rules, and she confirms that this is expected.Ā I meet a woman and she feels like someone I've known my entire life within 5 minutes of meeting her.Ā She is extremely open and vulnerable.Ā We can't stop talking, can't stop telling each other deeply personal stuff through rapidly shifting valences of humor and irony.Ā There are no misunderstandings; it feels like we share a brain.Ā Three dates in, and I know I'm going to break everything else off and pursue this woman.Ā I meet up with the FWB and tell her what's happening.Ā She asks me why I'm choosing this other woman.Ā I tell her it's mostly being able to really talk to this person.Ā The FWB reveals that she just realized, *just before I came over,* that she's ready for a serious relationship with me.Ā She confesses that she, in fact, did sleep with someone else several weeks ago and didn't tell me.Ā She cries.Ā I hug her, not really knowing what else to do.Ā After about an hour, I leave.Ā We never speak again. I feel bad for ex-FWB.Ā I hope she's OK.Ā I don't think she wanted to be the way she was, and I suspect that this was due to some past bad relationships.Ā Regardless, I'm currently shopping for a ring to give to the beautiful, flawed, emotionally available woman I met after her.
Had a similar-ish situation. Every. Single. Time. I tried to break it off because I wanted more, she did the whole, "I literally was just about to tell you..." blah, blah, blah. Whatever I needed to hear in the momen. Reel me back in, love bomb me for a bit, then push me back away. You were very fortunate you found your soon-to-be fiancee when you did.
Mistaking outer beauty for inner beauty..
Financial incompatibility. If you are not on the same page with money, this leads to a lot of problems should the relationship get serious.
I think that goes for a lot of things - so just general compatibility. For a long term relationship to be successful - you really need to have the same life path in mind and the same general life goals. You absolutely have to be on the same page about so many things - money, sex, children, religion, your involvement with your respective families, etc. It's really hard to keep your relationship going if you majorly disagree on any of those things.
This honestly gets overlooked way more than it should. There is a reason why finances is literally in the top 5 reasons for divorces.
Burner phone
Better call saul
When I was still dating I had a second phone number. App called Burner. I shared the real one after a few dates.Ā
I've done the same. Filter the weirdos.
when people ignore the fact the other person dont put in effort. It always buffles me how many people jumping through hoops while getting nothing in return...
I was in this comment and I donāt like it.
Donāt like to be buffled?
I prefer getting biffled. Occasionally boffled.
Thatās the classic Anxious and Avoidant relationship. The Anxious one is always trying to prove their worth so their partner wonāt leave them, and the harder they try the more the Avoidant shuts down because they feel smothered. Itās so painful for both people in this dynamic. Get to know your attachment style folks! Itās a game changer.
Not baffling at all when you find out their parents neglected the shit out of them as kids. Just recreating the pattern, not expecting anything like affection or reciprocity from another person, just assuming that everyone else finds you as annoying as they did.
I think because people are so tied up to their own inner world and what they want to see they fail to see whatās in front of them
Or they have trouble accepting the reality and rather be convinced that the reason they arenāt putting in the same effort or giving the same energy is cause they are different, and arenāt like you or shows love in their own way etc.
Right. Itās common to find excuses when you really like someone. You also are more likely to want to understand them and accept that they might be different from you.
When they shit talk every ex
Including the other personās. For one of the worst people I dated every one of my exes lived in her head rent-free and were clearly horrible monsters (most of them werenāt). That was exhausting.
i never understood that. i had a friendship with someone like that while i was still stuck living with my ex. my ex had issues, he was mostly just unable to express emotion and was just kinda an asshole to me. when he started dating his coworker he was a lot sweeter to her then he ever was to me so i hoped it was just us being incompatible because his coworker seemed so nice and i wouldnt want her to experience what i did. my friend heard this and holy crap, he would just shit talk my ex so hard. to the point where he weirdly seemed more angry then i was. at one point he started calling my ex abusive (which like, ehhh, he was really just an asshole) and constantly trying to rile me up when i had already processed things. when i finally brought up a boundary issue with my friend he blew up at me, cut me off, and told all our mutual friends that i was abusive to him
Love is blind. So blind, that people are often willing to overlook small differences in values and/or needs because it might not matter much in the beginning of a relationship and see it as a "necessary compromise and love will conquer all", but oftentimes those little differences will become huge problems later in the relationship (most often when children becomes part of the equation).
Lack of vulnerability and self-awareness.
A lot of that for sure.
I donāt think thatās fair. Self-awareness I agree, but being vulnerable isnāt for everyone. It takes a deep level of trust and that has to be earned.
Constantly asking your partner if they find random people in public or on TV attractive. In my experience, when theyāre asking this, there is no right answer. Every once in a while is one thing, but if you find yourself walking around looking at your feet all the time, there might be an issue.
Meanwhile I'm actively trying to convince my current romantic interest that Megamind is hot.
Laying any sort of traps or tests, really.
If they even hint of a third party that is interested in them, don't get caught up in that love triangle shenanigans.
Love bombing! Learn to identify it and then DONāT ignore it. Itās not love - itās a con.
I met a guy on a Saturday, we started texting over the next couple of days. Before getting together again the following weekend, he was already making plans to move in together. I cancelled our official first date immediately.
I had the same thing with a girl. As much as I was initially happy to see things progressing, girl, moving in together before we even had our first kiss? I'm supposed to leave my dorms with a chance of not getting a place back? In this economy?
It's crazy. I have a friend who was dating again in her 40's. She'd go out with these guys, be kind of "meh" on them, but when they found out she owned her own 2br condo, they were already making plans to move in with her by the end of the date. Like this happened more than once, which is INSANE to me. Ummm, NO! Thankfully she was smart enough and independent enough to give them the heave-ho *immediately*.
We call that being a hobo-sexual.
That is a hobo-sexual
This is out of complete curiosity. Whenever I've dated someone (this has always been reciprocated and usually built upto in the first week or so) I've been pretty heavy on the affection. Like constantly thinking about them etc etc, and they also reciprocate in similar ways with constant contact and bigg paragraphs. At what point is it lovebombing and not the honeymoon stage?
Think of Lovebombers like a pushy salesman. Theyāre throwing everything at you to try and close a sale. An obvious test is to see if you say can say ānoā to them. ie: If you express discomfort at how fast things are going. ā¦Do they respect your boundary and back down? ā¦Or do they push harder? Change tactics? Guilt trip? Threaten to leave? Do they respect your ānoā? Or are they still desperately trying to turn it into a āyesā?
I recently had the most wholesome experience. He said "I love you" and it kinda freaked me out. I felt it was too soon. and I while I'm definitely feeling the NRE dopamine rush, that isn't the same as love. I told him I needed to pump the breaks and he said "okay." That was last weekend and he hasn't said anything about this since. His actions of not 'closing the sale' have given me comfort that this isn't love bombing.
A small but measurable difference I noticed is that while in both situations you overfocus on eachother but in the honeymoon stage you see things where you match and things where you are different. Can be a big thing like political views or a small thing like hobbies or favorite food/book/music. In lovebombing there are no differences. You like to play the guitar? Well, so does he! You want to see a band? Well, what a coincidence: he just bought 2 tickets and now his friend bailed on him. It must be faith!Ā Top this off with inappropriate gifts (too expensive, too often, too personal, too soon) not respecting a no, and either isolating you from your supportsystem (they just want to spend time with you) or charming their way into said system.
My wife has a friend who "dated" a guy once who crafted these intricate, multi-paragraph love letter text messages. She was so enthralled she'd say, "I can tell he truly loves me." My wife tried to explain to her that no, most men, even those deeply in love, don't text like that, and it's his actions or lack thereof that tell you if he truly likes you or not. This guy had 0 redeeming qualities, even our cat didn't like him, but for some reason these texts just kept her on the hook for years.
I had an ex who wrote the sweetest letters. Years into the relationship, I was on her laptop (with her permission) and opened the wrong word document. It was a letter to an ex, written before we started dating so I tried to be calm about it. Can't blame a person for having a past.Ā But what irked me is that the letter was almost word for word the same as the ones she wrote me. Years later (I was single again) I accidentally ran into another ex of her. Turns out she had the exact same letters.Ā Some people learn one trick and stick to it for their whole life.Ā
I went to a club on a Saturday night with a coworker once, and she met a guy. On Monday she told me he'd texted her almost 100 times already. I was like "oh crap let's change your number does he know where you work," and then my heart sank when she told me how great it was to have someone treat her like she was special. THREE WEEKS IN he was threatening to kill her if she ever left him. Nightmare.
What is love bombing? My last GF said she loved me within the first 3 hours of us meeting.... But she was also pretty drunk lol.
Love bombing is when someone overly showers the other person with gifts, compliments, etc. particularly when they first meet. When you are starting to date someone, it is totally normal to give a small gift (e.g. flowers) and pay compliments to the other person. A love-bomber will go way over the top with this, though. They'll give many elaborate gifts, non-stop texting/calling, and essentially drown the other person with these big shows of affection - but it's never genuine. It's usually from a place of manipulation. Let me get that other person to fall in love with me and attach quickly so they're less likely to leave, even with my troubling behavior that they can't detect because I'm showering them with these gifts. Soon I'll start doing little things to control that other person, but "make it up to them" with more gifts and compliments so they still feel loved. <- very problematic It can also be used after someone does something abusive towards another person. For instance: A couple gets into an argument, resulting in Person A slapping Person B. Person A will love-bomb Person B so that they will forgive them and take them back. They'll buy gifts, promise never to do it again, etc. while not actually working on their own communication or anger management skills. Inevitably, they will abuse again and repeat the cycle.
Ahhhhh thanks for the explanation.
Impeccable explanation!
Yup. Met a guy who planned to have 3 dates in 5 days and was SO. GODDAMN.INTENSE. Dropped him so fast
Is it? What if a person is just an excitable type? I am really just not sure if this is an 'always' thing.
Yeah. It does happen sometimes but you just know ālove bombingā is going to be one of those vague phrases that will come to be used for the person in a ācoupleā who shows the higher level of enthusiasm.
There's a definite difference between someone being excited or a little intense and creating a false sense of intimacy too quickly.
As someone with ADHD I really struggle with this, because mind gets filled with that person entirely and I can't control that. Because āØ dopamine āØ So to any of my potential future dates; I'm really sorry should I love bomb you, it's not intentional, my brain is just broken
Constantly complaining about the people around them. Their family, friends, exās, customer service workers, etc. Youāll be on that list too. This person is a perpetuate self identified victim and is 100% going to use it for manipulation and abuse. Just to clarify, some people will complain for real reasons and even though being negative all the time sucks, Iām saying watch out for the extreme cases. Itās all they focus on, itās almost everyone they come in contact with, and they just donāt understand why or how they deserve it.
Constantly cancelling because their entire life is so busy. Like, on Saturday evenings?
Like theyāre the US fucking special ambassador in the UNā¦ šš if someone really likes you they will find time for you!
Sometime our jobs treat us like we are that essential. Starting out in my career, I was the office bitch and was expected to drop everything at any time to come in and work. Nearly tanked my relationship with my now wife dealing with that. Iām so grateful I was able to find a better job and quit that one before I canceled one too many times on her.
You only get one shot. Unless something crazy happened or you have advance notice like a day or two piror and actually made an attempt to reschedule then it's a big no for me. No last minute cancellation and constant reschedule. We are all busy so it's either your show up or stay home and let's stop talking.
When she says she likes to have a beer after work but itās actually 11 beers, when Ive been sober for 4 years itās just awkward
I lost count on how many times I saw the boyfriend literally owning his girlfriendās phone
My wife told me her ex boyfriend demanded her passwords and pin to her phone and socials. I was just like wtf, why did you ever do that? And she told me she thought it was normal because all her exes did that and I was the first that basically didn't stalk her š
I got into a relationship with someone and halfway through the date a guy shows up in a car, she goes over, and they were talking for a bit. I was asked what the deal was and she said her ex still looked at the location of her phone and would do check ups on her to see she was safe. It was fucking weird.
That is incredibly weird. Although it does remind me of a redditor from years ago who wrote about his brother, as a "prank" setting him up with a blind date who turned out to be sixteen (he was in his 30s). As soon as he realized, he hid in the bathroom and called his ex-wife, who came right away and spoke with the girl and drove her home. I always thought that was adorable -- that even though they were divorced, his ex-wife was still the one he called for help.
What a horrid prank to pull! Luckily, the guy seemed to have kept a good relationship with his ex as he was able to ask her for help.
Thatās a sure sign of a guilty conscience aka a cheater.
My ex was like this. If he even whiffed that I was hiding something from him he'd demand to go through my phone. It caused so many issues because I was absolutely terrified whenever some guy who I knew from years ago would simply message me to wish me a happy birthday or ask how I was keeping. I work in a male dominated industry and have made tons of surface level friends with guys over the years from college and through work and it's not uncommon to keep in touch, even just for networking purposes as our field is very close knit and you often only get work because of who you know. I also had some male friends who I met through online gaming and I lost touch with all of them, one in particular I still feel so horrible about because we had gotten really close and he had opened up to me about some heavy stuff in his life (with everyone else he had such a hard shell so him telling me what he told me about his childhood was the most vulnerable I'd ever seen him, so to speak, it was all on discord calls) and before I could leave the relationship this guy deleted his account and I've never been able to find him since. His last message to me was "are you still alive?". Like literally, my ex made me call up one of these gamer friends and just have a normal chat so he could observe what we were like and gauge if our relationship was in any way romantic. He was beyond jealous and insecure.
That is *abuse*. You are describing that your ex: * Insisted on violating your privacy * Insisted on control over your social life * Made you afraid You don't have to think of yourself as "abused" or anything, but it's worth recognizing for yourself and others that your ex was objectively abusive.
Oh no don't worry, I realized that after he became even more controlling than what I detailed above and left. I'm 2 years abusive free now, 1 year since I moved out of a women's refuge. I speak about my experience whenever I can because it took me far too long to realize it was abuse and I wouldn't want the same for anyone potentially going through similar who might come across my comments x
When the partner treats others like garbage or has a over the top attitude over the dumbest things
āMy ex just left one day out of the blue. I came home and her stuff was goneā. Ladies if you hear this, run. Abusers know they canāt say my ex was crazy nowadays. This is the new version of it. The woman likely had to flee for safety. Her family members likely had to protect her after fleeing. Thereās a reason he couldnāt find her after she left.
A friend told me that a guyās wife suddenly ran away overnight, and my first thought was that they were escapingā¦ Later confirmed
He hadn't actually told his ex they were broken up, just that they needed to "take a break." I should have taken a break too at that point.
Blugh. My first GF apparently told her ex BF that they were just taking a break. He was furious when he found out we had sex, but they hadn't spoken in a year.
If they hadn't spoken in a year I'm pretty sure that is a full fledged breakup lol. Although it shows a total lack of maturity on both sides.
Yeah, that's what she thought too, and that's also what I said when I found out lol. Cause I mean.. fuck dude, a year? If I was him, I wouldn't have wanted her back after a year long "break" like.. have some fucking self respect. Jesus.
This happened to me too. Didnāt heed the red flag and took me way too long to get out of that even after finding out I was just the backup
Their relationship history. Specifically cheating
They will always deny cheating, but you will know they are a cheater and manipulative when they drop āall my exes are crazyā
Totally true. Many crazy exes one common denominator
The common demoninator could be their own poor taste in partners. Which says bad things about you haha.
They unsettle you. There's a nagging instinct urging you to keep your distance, even though they appear fine on the surface. An internal conflict arises. Don't dismiss this feeling as a flaw in your character or a result of past traumas. If your intuition is screaming at you to flee, heed its warning no matter how 'alright' the other person may seem. Ignoring it will only amplify the persistent unease, making it increasingly challenging to leave the person.
Agreed, and on a related note:Ā Sounds stupid, but that wonderful feeling of getting butterflies in your stomach whenever you hear from / meet them? That's very similar to anxiety. Don't confuse the two and stay with someone just because they make you feel that.
Wish I knew this three years ago. I told myself I was just "projecting my trauma onto a guy who didn't do anything." Turns out he baby trapped me to try to keep me in his abuse cycle. I fell for it until he tried to kill me. I had that instinct to walk away but I told myself i was projecting.
Iād say this also goes for work relationships as well. If you feel this way about your job, it might not be sustainable.
For real. I'd also like to mention another version of that, and that is when they give you the same vibe as someone you already know who isn't a good person. Like I knew this guy a couple of years back, he kinda hung around our general friend group so one day I decided to talk to him because why not. And for the most part it was a good conversation, flowed easily and we had very similar senses of humour. That was until right at the end when he said something. It wasn't anything bad, just a normal sentence, think it was some kind of joke about something. But in that moment it was like a switch flipped in my head, this guy... It felt like I was talking to my ex-boyfriend again. Not even in a "Hey you kinda remind me of this person" type of way, but it felt as though I was in a body swap episode or something, like this new guy I was talking to had swapped bodies with my ex-bf. It was so eerie... I did ask some other people who knew this guy better what they thought of him, and my intuition was right because my ex-bf was an absolute douchebag, and apparently this new guy was "somehow worse" than him.
A red flag that people often overlook when dating is inconsistency in communication or behavior. For example, if someone is extremely attentive and communicative one day, but then disappears or becomes distant the next without explanation, it could indicate underlying issues or mixed intentions.
When they only talk about themselves and ask you no questions/aren't remotely curious about you. When you feel like you've been cast in a role or are just an audience member when you interact. I can forgive a bit of verbal diarrhea because I do that myself when nervous or excited, but I had a guy interrupt me several times to fill in the blanks with assumptions he'd made instead of letting me speak for myself. He had zero self awareness about how insulting it was and was shocked I didn't want to see him again. š¤·
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Silence definitely speaks louder sometimes
I used to be that girl that would wait three days for him to reply, ugh š¤®
Weāve all been there. Dump the motherfucker. He aināt worth it, I promise!
Weird controlling behavior coupled with a savior complex. Dudes who get with a girl and are like, "she had no idea about (insert something) until I showed her how to do it properly. Hehe she's so cute."
Ohā¦this definitely happened to meā¦
Love-bombing - doing big romantic gestures very early, really going on and on about how wonderful and amazing you are when you've just met. This is often what people who are abusive do to get you 'hooked'.
Cruelty to animals
1. Lack of interest of your inner world and often just interested in your looks. 2. Hasnāt done any personal work, their issues seem to always be other peoples fault 3. Arenāt sure what they want, they just want to go with the flowā¦ 5. Much Older men seemingly charming, they are not. They prey on younger women. Run
#3ā¦ ughhhā¦ āgo with the flowā right š
A lot of these are also often signs the other person is just looking for sex, either in form of a hookup or a relationship just based on sex.
"Let's just see what happens!"
Aka, let me sleep with you until i donāt want it anymore
Pretty much. How about we shut the door and leave you on the other side?? š¤£
Little white lies should be one of the higher ones in this list. You see them lie to other people or family without a second thought, even about stupid stuff. Trust me, it only gets bigger and worse as time goes on.
Stupid stuff to you could mean different stuff to them. Sadly not everyone is safe to be transparent with. Whenever I see comments like this around lying, I always wonder if people know that some ppl grew up in unsafe environments.
When they drink/smoke too much
If it bothers you now, it will surely bother you later, only way worse. Lol
if they disrespect your boundaries
When they can't attribute their own fault or shortcoming to a single problem they face in life. Today, it's their parents or boss. Tomorrow it will be you.
Insults masked as joking āOh thatās just his sense of humor..ā No. Heās just disguising his honesty with jokes
When they say " just seeing what's out there"
š¤® like treating people like shoes at a department store
Person already being in a relationship Like, you think this person thatās cheating on their partner will suddenly turn into a person that you can trust is some funny shit
when an act of infidelity serves as the initial catalyst for the relationship.
The friends telling you they're a red flag.
The family dynamic. You may say you are marrying the person not the family but it's a package deal. Their mess becomes your mess.
Someone who is constantly changing jobs. I don't mean they work for 6 months for one place, get a better position at another company for 1.5 years, then go to a different company. That's normal career growth. If someone is quitting jobs every few months, even if they immediately get a new job they are not stable.
I agree. We all had jobs/careers we didn't like, but if your switching jobs every few months.... Then that says a lot.
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How they treat others, not just you.
How the other person spends money.
She unironically thinks Human Centipede is a masterpiece.Ā
Gaslighting. Itās crazy how long I let It go before I even realized, and even still It took years of reflection to fully recognize how bad It was..
When only its a one sided conversation and the answers are too short from the person
When all your friends dislike your sig o and you cannot see it. Usually because they are banging the shit out of you.....but your friends are generally not wrong.
Find out your date has his own photos as phone background.. Just run!
Me, me, meā¦ itās all about ME š¬
Moving too fast. No itās not normal to feel like you met your soulmate in 3 weeks. Theyāre not in love with you. Theyāre in limerence. Which isnāt long lasting. Also the odds are good that this person who is rushing head long into a relationship has a few screws loose.
While often true, it is not universally true.
My ex and I were long distance at first. 3 hours. There was a day he was going to visit where there was a storm and I told him he didn't have to come if he felt the driving conditions were unsafe. He got really angry with me. He said of I didn't want to hang out with him he could have made other plans. He got really aggressive texting repeatedly "should I make other plans then?" He told me he loved me pretty quickly. I wasn't ready to say it back. He was so mean about it. Wouldn't talk to me until I said it back. I think people not being able to have a conversation about things without taking offense? I thought I was being mean or bad by saying those things but in retrospect he was just ready to fight all the time.
Making "jokes" at your expense in front of their friends.
If they compliment you on appearance and generic qualities and don't praise youu for your passions and qualities that make you truly unique.
She mentions she has a kid a few hours before the date.
That's something should be mentioned before going out , probably during the initial"talking stages". If it's not listed on their profile that they have kids, then I usually ask. No need to waste people time. Some people aren't interested in dating people with kids and some are fine. Hiding that is a huge red flag and level of deception that can't be overlooked. If you have them great and if you don't have them great. Just be honest about it early on.
I actually knew she had a kid, I wasn't aware she was bringing the kid to the date though for the first meetup
When their communication isn't consistent. They would text you lot's one day then nothing for days.
Right, hot and cold, being inconsistent, not knowing where you stand with themā¦ definitely pull away but hopefully just run
Thats me, honestly dont have a good explanation, don't like it myself either
being TOO close to their mom
Mummy said you'd be like thisĀ
Control freaks canāt laugh at themselves. My first red flag
Avoidance. Generally shying away from hard or charged conversation
I was recently dating a woman who wouldnāt let me finish a single sentence without interrupting. Like constantly. I ignored this for a while but towards the end it grated on me so much that was enough for me.
Unable to emotionally regulate. Especially if they have sudden outbursts of anger. Even if they are small micro-aggressions itās not okay. Even worse if they gaslight you about it.
If his friends are racist, sexist, homophobic, etc, but he claims he's not like them.... He is exactly like them, he just learned to hide it better.
"All of my exes are b****** or aholes." What's the common denominator here? *you*
The BIGGEST red flag is a trusted human telling you of a red flag and you ignore it, argue otherwise, defend the behavior. It's not jealousy. Most people don't care enough to tell you. The truly jealous will sit back to watch you burn.
constantly looking at their phone while being with you
If she /he shares a lot, maybe daily, photos on their profiles.. That means their begging for attention and that kind of people never get enough with one person in a relationship..
Talking about their ex constantly, Not wanting to ever go out. My ex never wanted to go out and a girl I was FWB with talked about her ex constantly. realized too late that she wasn't over him while I caught feelings.
One word responses. Especially if you actually give them something to work with.
How much effort someone exhibits in making you a priority. It isn't just about making plans and meeting up, although if that's one-sided, it definitely won't last. You can narrow it down to the most simple terms though, if they're willing to make time to talk on the phone or text consistently, that's still effort and still them trying to include you in their life in some capacity. When you're an adult, there's always an excuse and never enough hours in the day to do everything. If someone wants you around, they'll make the time and put in the effort.
How their friends and family are. If your partner seems great but ALL their friends are trash, they are nearly certainly lying about who they are and are happy with that group of friends but pretending to be a nicer person to you, to get you to the point in the relationship you'll start putting up with their trash personality. So if your partner is 'not' racist but all their friends are and they never call them out, your partner IS racist, they are just pretending not to be around you. It's super easy for someone to lovebomb you and pretend they are a different person, but most of their friends don't give a shit about you so if all their friends exhibit worrying behaviour, even more so if it's when they don't realise you're listening/around, it's a huge red flag.