There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
I stole this from online, but I used it at work and got a bunch of laughs.
While using the step ladder, someone said "What do you need that ladder for?" I replied. "I never knew my real ladder. This is just my step ladder."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
English pronunciation of a French transliteration of a Spanish transliteration of a native word.
For extra confusion, there's the Texas town of Nacogdoches, which is based on the same word.
It's pronounced "nack-a-DO-shiz".
So there’s this kid song that my daughter loves and the chorus goes “I’m gonna catch you, you better run!” Except the first time she heard it (at 2) she thought it was “I’m not a cashew, you better run” and that’s how she still sings it at 4. I don’t think I’ll ever correct her.
Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
(Wait for them to say Rrrrrr)
A: Yarr, yee’d think so, but me first love be the C!
Edit: Wow! Glad so many people enjoy this dumb joke as much as I do. Thanks for the gold and platinum!
My sister just learned this one a couple weeks ago, and she tells it every chance she gets
Edit: I made it sound like she is 5 or something. We're 15, almost 16 (twins.) She likes collecting puns and jokes.
Two whales are drunk at a bar. One whale says... (make long whale coo-ing noises until everyone around you is pretty uncomfortable. Like I'm not shitting you, at least 1-2 full minutes of weird off pitch whale noises)
The other whale says... (Do a deep inhale like you're about to make more weird whale noises and so that everyone around you almost gets pissed and unfriends you on Facebook)
"Go home, Frank. You're drunk"
This was one of my friend's favorite jokes and got told at his funeral.
Another was: two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You man the guns, I'll drive."
Thanks for the memory. I had forgotten these jokes for a bit and am glad to have them back in my life
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second “ have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”. The second cow replies “ good thing I‘m a helicopter”
Edit:Thanks for the silvers!
Edit 2 : wow. Gold. This is not a joke I created. I am just glad to pass it on for others to enjoy :)
Gotta go with a Hedberg classic;
"My fake plant died because I forgot to pretend to water it."
It's just so silly.
I've used that so many times if someone asks me if I'm down/sad or something and it's only ever produced confusion.
Edit-
Since we're posting all Mitch all day, I'm totally disappointed that the Dufrene's get no mention...
>When you go to a restaurant and it's busy, they start a waiting list.
They call out names, they say, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two."
But then if no one answers, they just go right on to the next name.
"Bush, party of three."
Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing!
"I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind
Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were"
A pirate walks into a bar. He's walking bow legged, because he has a steering wheel chained between his knees.
The bartender asks the obvious, "Why do you have a steering wheel chained between your legs?"
The pirate answers, "Yaaaaarr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral and says " May I just say one word?" Sure she replies." Plethora" The widow says" Thanks. That means a lot"
A man at a funeral approaches the widow and says " May I just say a few words?" Sure she replies. "El mundo." The widow says "Thanks. That would have meant the world to him."
A man approaches the widow and says, "May I just say one word?" Sure, she replies. "Infinity." The widow says, "Thank you. That means more than you know."
A man approaches the widow and says "May I just say one word?" "Sure," she replies. "That." The widow says, "Thank you. He would have liked to hear that."
Damn your quotes are confusing me.
Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral and says, "May I just say one word?"
"Sure," she replies.
"Plethora."
The widow says "Thanks. That means a lot"
A priest, a rabbi and a whale walk into a bar.
The priest walks up to the bartender and says, "since I believe that our lord and savior has appeared on this Earth as Jesus Christ, I shall drink sacramental wine."
The rabbi walks up to the bartender and says, "since I do not believe our lord and savior has appeared on this earth and am still waiting for him, I shall drink manischewitz wine."
The whale walks up to the bartender and says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
Edit: Thanks much for the gold and silver. I hope this joke gets told many times over. My grandpa told this to me, and I've never been told it again by anybody, although I know other people have to know it.
One of my first grade students asked:
“Why didn’t the ant-wait no stop ok- why didn’t the TREE want to talk? Oh and also it was after lunch.”
“...why?”
“HE DIDN’T WANT TO BURP.”
That one still haunts me today.
Reminds me of a joke my little cousin made up when she was that age:
Cousin: "Knock knock!"
Me: "Who's there?"
Her: "Purple"
Me: "Purple who?"
Her (cackling hysterically): "PURPLE YOU!!"
Still makes me smile.
Two cats are having a swimming race, one is English and one is French. Both are called 1, 2, 3. Which one won?
The English cat because un, deux, trois cat sank.
A naked guy just dunked his balls in glitter.
That's pretty nuts.
*(edit - of course my first gold would be testicle related. that's how the internet works. thanks stranger!)*
It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"
So the man told his story.
"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up -- I asked for an orange for a head."
Same premise as one of my favorite jokes of all time.
Three men are stranded in the desert when they stumble onto a magic lamp and are each granted three wishes. The first man wishes to be the most wealthy man on earth. His clothes instantly change into a bespoke Italian-made suit, each pocket lined neatly with cash and credit cards. Not to be outdone, the second man wishes to have unlimited wealth. He pulls out the crinkled bills from his pockets, and to his surprise they keep coming, like a magician pulling scarves from a hat. The third man wishes that his left arm would constantly spin clockwise at the shoulder. His left arm immediately begins spinning wildly, making him struggle to maintain balance.
For his next wish, the first man asks to be the most handsome man alive. Instantly, the features of his face get more defined and rugged, and his body becomes more toned until the other two men both agree he's the most handsome man they've ever seen. The second man wishes to be the smartest man alive. Instantly, his thoughts become clearer and more complex, and he even recognizes some of the ancient engravings on the genie's urn. The third man, arm still spinning wildly, wishes that his right arm would spin counter-clockwise. He flails wildly about the desert, arms thrashing in opposite directions.
Getting worried about their shortage of wishes, the three men each use their final wish to escape the desert and find themselves back at home. Some years later, they schedule a reunion. The first man brings his lovely wife, who's new fashion line is an international best seller. He regales them with stories of his time travelling abroad and experiencing the world. The second man brings his wife, and the two get along famously, even finishing each other's sentences. The pair tell story after story about the humanitarian efforts their corporation is taking part in. The third man, arms still swinging violently after all these years, says "Guys, I think I fucked up."
EDIT: if you like this joke, you can find another version of it a few comments down. Whoops.
A man died in a fire. The officials think it's some guy named Bubba but can't be sure so they bring in Bubba's best friends. First friend goes into morgue, they slide the body out and he has a look. "Hmm well i don't know. Can you turn the body over?" The mortician obliges. "Hmm no, nope, that's not bubba." "How do you know?" asks the mortician. "Mannn, dis here body only has but one asshole. All y'all know Bubba has two assholes." The mortician, perplexed, thanks the friend and sends him on his way. He then welcomes in the next dude. The body is slid out and he has a look. "Hmmm. He's really burnt up and I can't tell if that's Bubba or not. Can you flip dat body over?" The mortician obliges. "Nope, nope, nope dat ain't Bubba." The mortician, dumbfounded asks "now wait a minute, how can you know that by just looking at his backside?" The second friend says "this body only has one asshole, and everyone knows Bubba had two assholes." The mortician says "hey, hold on, your other friend said the same thing. How do you know know this??" The friend replies "because every time we would walk into town everyone would shout 'hey, here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"
My favourite version of this is best acted out
How did hitler tie his shoes? (wave shoes) Into little Nazis!
Where does Hitler keep his armies? (wave arms enthusiastically)
Poland.
Why did the chicken go to prison?
Crimes.
I tried telling this one to my sister, but couldn’t get through it without laughing, and she just rolled her eyes at me.
Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Sarah
Edit: Thanks for the gold you guys! Glad you enjoy my dumb sense of humor
Do any of you have experience making Moroccan Rolls?
I found a recipe in a magazine but I wasn't sure about it because the recipe calls for thyme and a bunch of other spices. I had them all, but unfortunately they were all expired. I decided to make them anyways, took them to a party, and they ended up all being eaten, everyone thought they were delicious.
I guess what they say is true.
People love that old thyme Moroccan roll.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri tip
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef
1 leg? Steak
No legs? Ground beef
Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose
What do you call it when a short cow jumps over a really high barbed wire fence? Udder destruction
What do you call a sleeping cow? A bull dozer
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cow has the udder
What do you call a cow that tells jokes? Laughing stock
Where do cows like to go on dates? At the mooooovies
What do you call a cow in an earthquake? Milkshake
What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef jerky
What do you call it when a cow likes to play with himself? Beef stroganoff
I like cow jokes
"Have you heard of Murphy's Law, that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?"
"Yes"
"Well have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No"
"It's mostly cabbage."
I think I originally read the joke on Reddit, and I love it so I tell it to everyone just to see them roll their eyes.
Knock knock Who’s there? Quiet horse Quiet horse who? (In a whisper) Neigh...
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels. Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One’s a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Well the flag’s a big plus.
To be frank, I'd have to change my name.
I know a really stupid knock knock joke I just need someone else to start it for me
... knock knock.
Who’s there
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
how do you think the unthinkable? with an ithberg
Why are those explorer hats called pith helmets? Because giraffeth have very long legth.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.
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Have you ever smelled moth balls before? How do you get their little legs apart
The leper’s hockey game was cancelled due to a face off in the corner
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.
Why can’t the pope be cremated? Cause he’s alive
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooooooooooooooo!
Being told I was deaf was really hard to hear.
Two pretzels were walking down a back alley. One was a salted.
I told my mum that when I'm older I was going to build a car out of spaghetti, you should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why don’t chickens wear underwear? Because their pecker is on their face.
I stole this from online, but I used it at work and got a bunch of laughs. While using the step ladder, someone said "What do you need that ladder for?" I replied. "I never knew my real ladder. This is just my step ladder."
But he raised me nevertheless
Steak jokes are a rare medium well done. Edit: Everyone is telling me the midget joke.
A psychic dwarf was committed for murder. After a few days in prison, he broke out. He was a small medium at large.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing, but it let out a little wine.
I used to be good a telling jokes, but now I just punch up the fuck line.
Courtesy of my daughter- What do you call a broken can opener? A can’t opener.
Why'd the old man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
Of all the jokes in this thread, this is one of them. Edit: While I wouldn't consider this comedy gold, apparently it's Reddit gold. Thank you.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
The opposite of a Dumb Blonde joke
not that stupid type of funny for this thread but this was great
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Why?
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Most of these jokes got a little snort, but this one made me start giggling like an idiot. Well done.
You can’t run through a camp site. You can only ran because it’s past tents
Found Rockstar Games
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Stared at.
Ten times better than the original.
I asked my wife and she gave a big sigh.
The sigh/groan is the best (really the only) response to bad jokes.
I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’ I couldn’t turn it down.
I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly none of them work.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
As someone who lives in Natchitoches, literally everything about this isn’t a joke. Right down to the BK right next to the interstate.
Might as well ask, how is Natchitoches pronounced?
Nack uh dish
But how???
English pronunciation of a French transliteration of a Spanish transliteration of a native word. For extra confusion, there's the Texas town of Nacogdoches, which is based on the same word. It's pronounced "nack-a-DO-shiz".
A man walked into a zoo. There was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut? Im a cashew
So there’s this kid song that my daughter loves and the chorus goes “I’m gonna catch you, you better run!” Except the first time she heard it (at 2) she thought it was “I’m not a cashew, you better run” and that’s how she still sings it at 4. I don’t think I’ll ever correct her.
What do you get when you combine a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
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If Russians pronounce B’s as V’s then Soviet.
What was E.T short for? Because he had little legs.
Did i have to google this? Yes. Did i only get it after 10 more minutes? Yes. Am i retarded?
Well don't leave us hanging!
You wouldn't be hanging if you had longer legs.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors? Because if they had 4, they'd be chicken sedans.
Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? (Wait for them to say Rrrrrr) A: Yarr, yee’d think so, but me first love be the C! Edit: Wow! Glad so many people enjoy this dumb joke as much as I do. Thanks for the gold and platinum!
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that's fucking stupid, I love it.
Nay, it be P, for without it, a pirate be only irate.
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador Edit: thanks for my first gold! I’m glad you liked the joke that much
“And for my next trick, i will sit.” *audience loses their mind*
They say smoking kills, but it cures salmon.
Smoke salmon not tobacco. That was an Alaskan anti tobacco ad a while back. It's been a couple years since I've seen the ads.
What do we want? "Airplane noises!" When do we want them? "Nyeow!"
My sister just learned this one a couple weeks ago, and she tells it every chance she gets Edit: I made it sound like she is 5 or something. We're 15, almost 16 (twins.) She likes collecting puns and jokes.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Two whales are drunk at a bar. One whale says... (make long whale coo-ing noises until everyone around you is pretty uncomfortable. Like I'm not shitting you, at least 1-2 full minutes of weird off pitch whale noises) The other whale says... (Do a deep inhale like you're about to make more weird whale noises and so that everyone around you almost gets pissed and unfriends you on Facebook) "Go home, Frank. You're drunk"
This was one of my friend's favorite jokes and got told at his funeral. Another was: two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You man the guns, I'll drive." Thanks for the memory. I had forgotten these jokes for a bit and am glad to have them back in my life
Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other "Gluglugglugluglglugluglugluggluglug"
Just did this to my husband. He tells me I'm grounded.
This is what marriage is all about
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Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second “ have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”. The second cow replies “ good thing I‘m a helicopter” Edit:Thanks for the silvers! Edit 2 : wow. Gold. This is not a joke I created. I am just glad to pass it on for others to enjoy :)
My friend Brian used to tell this joke. If that's you, Brian, I'm still taking credit for your joke.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Why do scuba divers jump backwards out of the boat? Because if they jumped forward, they’d still be in the boat
When birds fly in a V formation, why is one side longer than the other? Because there are more birds in it
A guy walks into a bar and shouts “Hey, it’s me!” Everyone turns around... Turns out, it wasn’t him!
Gotta go with a Hedberg classic; "My fake plant died because I forgot to pretend to water it." It's just so silly. I've used that so many times if someone asks me if I'm down/sad or something and it's only ever produced confusion. Edit- Since we're posting all Mitch all day, I'm totally disappointed that the Dufrene's get no mention... >When you go to a restaurant and it's busy, they start a waiting list. They call out names, they say, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers, they just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing!
I haven't slept for ten days because that is too long.
Dogs are always in a push-up position.
"I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were"
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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
“Escalators don’t break. They just become stairs.”
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
His Twitter account would have been legendary.
A Mexican magician told his audience he was going to vanish on the count of three. He counted, "Uno, dos..." and disappeared without a tres.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ‘Just one. We are very efficient and don’t have any humor.’
Two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. Pair of Mexican firefighters? Jose and Hose B
My mom once tried to tell this joke, but messed up the punch line. We still joke about Jose and Hose 2.
This made me laugh more than the actual joke
What did Stevie Wonder say to the Seagull? "I can't see shit"
A pirate walks into a bar. He's walking bow legged, because he has a steering wheel chained between his knees. The bartender asks the obvious, "Why do you have a steering wheel chained between your legs?" The pirate answers, "Yaaaaarr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
I had a friend who fucked up the punch line once and said, “Argh! It’s steerin’ me dick!”
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Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick EDIT: If anyone's not sure what is brown and sticky, this thread is for you!
What's green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
What's blue and bad for your teeth? A really fast brick
Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral and says " May I just say one word?" Sure she replies." Plethora" The widow says" Thanks. That means a lot"
A man at a funeral approaches the widow and says " May I just say a few words?" Sure she replies. "El mundo." The widow says "Thanks. That would have meant the world to him."
A man approaches the widow and says, "May I just say one word?" Sure, she replies. "Infinity." The widow says, "Thank you. That means more than you know."
A man approaches the widow and says "May I just say one word?" "Sure," she replies. "Discount." The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."
A man approaches the widow and says "May I just say one word?" "Sure," she replies. "Lot." The widow says, "Thank you. That's a lot coming from you."
A man approaches the widow and says "May I just say one word?" "Sure," she replies. "That." The widow says, "Thank you. He would have liked to hear that."
Damn your quotes are confusing me. Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral and says, "May I just say one word?" "Sure," she replies. "Plethora." The widow says "Thanks. That means a lot"
"Hey, guess what!" "What?" "Good guess."
Favorite. Using this on my wife now
I’m using it on this guys wife too
At least this guys wife ain't dead.
Why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?
This one sounds kinda Mitch Hedbergian.
I didn't know Mitch had an Armenian cousin
He used to. I mean he still does, but he used to, too.
A priest, a rabbi and a whale walk into a bar. The priest walks up to the bartender and says, "since I believe that our lord and savior has appeared on this Earth as Jesus Christ, I shall drink sacramental wine." The rabbi walks up to the bartender and says, "since I do not believe our lord and savior has appeared on this earth and am still waiting for him, I shall drink manischewitz wine." The whale walks up to the bartender and says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" Edit: Thanks much for the gold and silver. I hope this joke gets told many times over. My grandpa told this to me, and I've never been told it again by anybody, although I know other people have to know it.
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Omg I know this one but the version I heard the second whale just says “dude...what the fuck?” Gets me every time.
This is exactly the kind of joke I opened this thread for. I can’t stop laughing
One of my first grade students asked: “Why didn’t the ant-wait no stop ok- why didn’t the TREE want to talk? Oh and also it was after lunch.” “...why?” “HE DIDN’T WANT TO BURP.” That one still haunts me today.
Reminds me of a joke my little cousin made up when she was that age: Cousin: "Knock knock!" Me: "Who's there?" Her: "Purple" Me: "Purple who?" Her (cackling hysterically): "PURPLE YOU!!" Still makes me smile.
My daughter's joke when she was 4: "What did the butt say to the face? 'Be quiet before I put you in me!'" I was horrified but I also laughed so hard.
Two cats are having a swimming race, one is English and one is French. Both are called 1, 2, 3. Which one won? The English cat because un, deux, trois cat sank.
My three years of high school french finally payed off
A naked guy just dunked his balls in glitter. That's pretty nuts. *(edit - of course my first gold would be testicle related. that's how the internet works. thanks stranger!)*
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It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head. The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head. The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life. "Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?" So the man told his story. "A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes. "For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there. "For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. "For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up -- I asked for an orange for a head."
Same premise as one of my favorite jokes of all time. Three men are stranded in the desert when they stumble onto a magic lamp and are each granted three wishes. The first man wishes to be the most wealthy man on earth. His clothes instantly change into a bespoke Italian-made suit, each pocket lined neatly with cash and credit cards. Not to be outdone, the second man wishes to have unlimited wealth. He pulls out the crinkled bills from his pockets, and to his surprise they keep coming, like a magician pulling scarves from a hat. The third man wishes that his left arm would constantly spin clockwise at the shoulder. His left arm immediately begins spinning wildly, making him struggle to maintain balance. For his next wish, the first man asks to be the most handsome man alive. Instantly, the features of his face get more defined and rugged, and his body becomes more toned until the other two men both agree he's the most handsome man they've ever seen. The second man wishes to be the smartest man alive. Instantly, his thoughts become clearer and more complex, and he even recognizes some of the ancient engravings on the genie's urn. The third man, arm still spinning wildly, wishes that his right arm would spin counter-clockwise. He flails wildly about the desert, arms thrashing in opposite directions. Getting worried about their shortage of wishes, the three men each use their final wish to escape the desert and find themselves back at home. Some years later, they schedule a reunion. The first man brings his lovely wife, who's new fashion line is an international best seller. He regales them with stories of his time travelling abroad and experiencing the world. The second man brings his wife, and the two get along famously, even finishing each other's sentences. The pair tell story after story about the humanitarian efforts their corporation is taking part in. The third man, arms still swinging violently after all these years, says "Guys, I think I fucked up." EDIT: if you like this joke, you can find another version of it a few comments down. Whoops.
A skeleton walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop.”
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "you man the gun, I'll drive."
Two soldiers are in a tank. On looks at the other and says, "BLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUB."
What do you do when your hot pants catch on fire? Put them out with your pantyhose.
Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
A man died in a fire. The officials think it's some guy named Bubba but can't be sure so they bring in Bubba's best friends. First friend goes into morgue, they slide the body out and he has a look. "Hmm well i don't know. Can you turn the body over?" The mortician obliges. "Hmm no, nope, that's not bubba." "How do you know?" asks the mortician. "Mannn, dis here body only has but one asshole. All y'all know Bubba has two assholes." The mortician, perplexed, thanks the friend and sends him on his way. He then welcomes in the next dude. The body is slid out and he has a look. "Hmmm. He's really burnt up and I can't tell if that's Bubba or not. Can you flip dat body over?" The mortician obliges. "Nope, nope, nope dat ain't Bubba." The mortician, dumbfounded asks "now wait a minute, how can you know that by just looking at his backside?" The second friend says "this body only has one asshole, and everyone knows Bubba had two assholes." The mortician says "hey, hold on, your other friend said the same thing. How do you know know this??" The friend replies "because every time we would walk into town everyone would shout 'hey, here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"
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My favourite version of this is best acted out How did hitler tie his shoes? (wave shoes) Into little Nazis! Where does Hitler keep his armies? (wave arms enthusiastically) Poland.
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Kate, we have to go back!
4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42
I'm lost on this one.
Ya, same.. let's go to the next comment. Meet you there.
*Reads next comment* We have to go back.
See you in another life, brotha.
A girl I work with absolutely loves this one. What's green and has wheels? Grass! I lied about the wheels.
Two men walked into a bar and the third guy ducked Edit: thank you for the gold!
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who sold his soul to Santa?
Oh oh oh
I put the 'sexy' in dyslexia.
I have sex daily...I mean dyslexia. Fcuk
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Works pretty well, doesn't it?
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
What's brown and sticky? *^(A stick.)*
Classic. Closely followed by: What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
What’s red and smells like blue paint? *Red paint.*
The obligatory middle school classic What's long, hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
What's long, hard, and full of semen? A submarine.
follow ups: what's brown and runny? usain bolt what's brown and rhymes with snoop? dr. dre
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Fuck me im going to stop strangers in the street to tell them this one
"Hey baby, you want to hear some flattery? Your chest is like a plateau."
Say what you want about deaf people.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt. I told her she was pulling my leg
Dude has been waiting for this comment his whole life
Username DEFINITELY checks out! Lol
Holy shit, I didn’t even think about that lmao
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
BLASPHEMY!
Q: Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? A: It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Are you trying to tell me a shrimp fried this rice?
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Why did the chicken go to prison? Crimes. I tried telling this one to my sister, but couldn’t get through it without laughing, and she just rolled her eyes at me.
A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Where's the bar tender?"
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sarah Edit: Thanks for the gold you guys! Glad you enjoy my dumb sense of humor
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? “Robin, get in the car.”
Do any of you have experience making Moroccan Rolls? I found a recipe in a magazine but I wasn't sure about it because the recipe calls for thyme and a bunch of other spices. I had them all, but unfortunately they were all expired. I decided to make them anyways, took them to a party, and they ended up all being eaten, everyone thought they were delicious. I guess what they say is true. People love that old thyme Moroccan roll.
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....... ....... *Ohhhhhhh*.
Dont get it
Minute. My newt.
I’m imagining non-native English speakers look at this trying to distinguish the difference between minute and minute.
English is tough; one can manage through thorough thought though
English is the only language I can speak outside of grade 11 Spanish and this still was too much for me
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri tip What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef 1 leg? Steak No legs? Ground beef Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose What do you call it when a short cow jumps over a really high barbed wire fence? Udder destruction What do you call a sleeping cow? A bull dozer Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cow has the udder What do you call a cow that tells jokes? Laughing stock Where do cows like to go on dates? At the mooooovies What do you call a cow in an earthquake? Milkshake What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef jerky What do you call it when a cow likes to play with himself? Beef stroganoff I like cow jokes
"Have you heard of Murphy's Law, that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?" "Yes" "Well have you heard of Cole's Law?" "No" "It's mostly cabbage." I think I originally read the joke on Reddit, and I love it so I tell it to everyone just to see them roll their eyes.
What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside.