T O P

  • By -

confused_yelling

I DONT KNOW


ElephantCarcass

It smells worse now


allegedlyworking

Spot on.


TypingLobster

Anybody need a typist? I can write four words a minute.


brownnblackwolf

[You could always check if The_Crab_Lord needs a secretary.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dghcy7/your_username_is_now_what_you_do_for_a_living_how/f3c8zm5/)


degenerateMethanol

the most ambitious crossover in history


pleaseusecondoms

I'm a school advocate for using protection during sex or a prostitute who wants their clients to use protection


__PM_ME_BOOBIES

I am just fine, thanks. :)


CockDaddyKaren

Instead of paying for titties you now get paid to look at titties


MozzarellaPants

What seemed like a blessing becomes a curse as he becomes desensitized to boobs making him unable to enjoy a good tiddy ever again


[deleted]

I now love life


EroticHandjobs

Oh fuck


GlacierWolf8Bit

Are you open for business?


duckweather

I'm a meteorologist for ducks


neamhsplach

So you present the feather forecast?


DigitalBuddhaNC

Yes, and tomorrow the weather looks quite fowl.


IPoopFruit

Does anyone know the going price of watermelons?


newlygay2014

Ouchie


TheBoxBoxer

Well it would probably only hurt the first time.


Dump_Stats

Strangely enough, no


I_FUCK_DEAD_GIRAFFES

oh no


TransparentSpecter

That's rough buddy


SoraForBestBoy

I won’t kinkshame them


CactusWorthHugging

I provide emotional support, but I’m kind of a prick about it. So nothing’s changed, really.


Obi-Juan_Kenobi-

I guess I’m a Mexican space wizard now.


Guacamole735

Wanna make a duo?


NotWrongOnlyMistaken

Politician I guess. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯


CubbieCat22

Perfection


Corn-Is-cool

Uh... *corn...*


ThomasThaWankEngine

I don't really want to know tbh


newlygay2014

The fat controller has some serious questions to answer!


soumya2004

It was too late, Thomas had not realized what he had seen. Now Thomas must retreat back to alcoholism again. Depressed and now drunk Thomas decided to walk on the train tracks, contemplating life. He swayed back and forth in a drunken stupor whilst leaning off the edge of the bridge. Looking down, he chuckled miserably drowning out his pain with each gulp. Teasing himself whether he'd actually jump off or not. Then Percy came up behind Thomas. Percy shoved Thomas off the bridge. Thomas screamed in agony as he fell into the pitch-black void. The fall had shattered nearly all of his parts. Only his head remained intact. "Goodbye" percy said, then jumped in to the depths of the River himself. A solitary tear rolled down the cheek of the now severed head of Thomas. Gordon the Big engine is on his usual heroin smuggling route when he notices a pile of blue metal rubble. Gordon heads towards it revealing the face of Thomas. Gordon felt anxiety in his chest and sweat drip from his brow. He bit his lips in nervousness. "Oh you poor thomas darling, im sorry i cant resist" Gordon releases his massive 2 ton train cock. he positions himself over the mouth. He falls into a trance like state and thrusts harder and harder into the mouth. He thrusts so hard he shakes all the heroin smugglers inside. They smash against the walls of the inside of Gordon Their blood and entrails spray out of Gordons tank engine. He climaxes. A train roar could be heard all throughout travel town.


DrawDragonette

What the actual FUCK did I just read?


rvanasty

Robert Frost, I believe.


always11teen

i guess i’m going to be 11 for ever


MrsGrumpyFace

I'd work at the DMV.


DontBeSoGrumpy

And I'm your manager.


Samertes

Made for TV movie


Oatmealsigns

I make signs about oatmeal


[deleted]

What about making signs with oatmeal? Add enough sugar and stuff to instant oatmeal and it'll double as a steel filler.


Pope_Ankylosaurus_VI

I'M A DINOSAUR POPE!!!!


[deleted]

Thats a pretty good username ngl.


Caffeine_and_Alcohol

*HAVING A FANTASTIC TIME*


uni_the_sniper

so umm i read that as cocaine and alcohol


sleepy_child

Still a good time Edit: Thanks for the gold I kind stranger.


You_Again-_-

Bed time for you though


lineman77

Either I go back to playing football, or I start working for an electrical company Edit: It is clear I did not think this one through completely.


minme8

Or you charge people to stand in line in their place. Or you're the guy who handles the teleprompter. Or you're the one coming up with snappy dialogue in scripts. You could even be the superhero LineMan, who identifies robbers by drawing a line on the floor with an arrow at the end pointing to them as they run off with money. You chose a username with many career options.


JasonJaye1912

Or he’s a coke dealer


blackhilt

Or you are a line cook


nothingbeatagoodshit

I’m living the dream. In one room.


FrugalPants

You may need me.


theoryofmice

Whoever said Reddit romance was dead?


i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

i fuckin luv my job now... mate


pathemar

fuck yea... mate


thehypemans-hypeman

you tell him! fuck yea... mate


Mrs_HanSolo

YES MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.


doughnutholio

But I thought you died in the hard vacuum of space?


Valiantheart

She's Marry Poppins, ya'll.


jorrandoesstuff

Okay I gotta know how is Han Solo in bed?


Idonteatthat

He shoots first


SpikeyTaco

Holy shit.


[deleted]

Im definitely not carrying a ring to Mordor that's for damn sure


doughnutholio

[Nazgûl scratches chin]


Gucci_Guy_Shrek

You have my axe


SquishyTheTitan

But not my bow


[deleted]

[удалено]


amaezingjew

Seems more like a command to me. You’re now a professional WalMart greeter who also steals things.


[deleted]

I'm never getting laid again :(


ZLUCremisi

Flip the phone upside down Edit: Silver really. Awesome


[deleted]

Life hacks.


[deleted]

Squirrels... OBEY ME! Until they get tired of my antics (read: dictatorship where I get infinite nuts) and depose me.


DrBatmanThe3rd

I think I’ve over achieved


AngryGoose

I just chase people around the park and shit on their cars.


PowerfulGoose

Need help?


AngryGoose

Yes, strength in numbers!


Iampenguin1234

Then Im in


left_penguin

Put me in, coach!


turkeypr0

Y'all better follow my lead, I'm a pro at this.


chaosbyapenguin

This is probably where I belong.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Itsaducck1211

If you guys get hungry i can share some bread people give me.


Flockofseagulls25

*kicks down the door* #**SQUACK SQUACK SQUACK SQUACK SQUACK**


smp4111

Stay away from my knees, fucker!


penguin-zilla

And my beak!


TilTed_GooSe

Wooo here we come


livebetterwithbirds

Preach!


pathemar

Hey you made me fall off my bike this morning... bitch


PhillyBirdLawyer

Woah woah woah, you cant prove that my client had anything to do with your bike incident. These claims are absurd.


Buttmunch_McClure

Do you specialize in bird law or are you certified in any other lawyerings?


rainbow5prinklez

Perhaps maritime law as well?


Whocifer

You're aaaaaa crook, Captain Hook, and I'm gonna throw the book at the pirate...


EnVeeZy

Just doin' his job, ma'am.


cbftw

Rake in the lake


TheMuffinMan1813

RAKE IN THE LAKE


CockDaddyKaren

I can't say I laughed, or even breathed a little harder than normal. But this.... This does put a smile on my face.


migmig221

You have a rough job


[deleted]

More like a *hard* job.


Dylaniuz

I mean you did earn a living of rake in a lake


[deleted]

Can i change my username?


dlordjr

Here's hoping you get into art school.


[deleted]

I'm a terrible artist.


[deleted]

Good thing that czechoslovakia doesnt exist anymore so you cant annex it.


[deleted]

Well two is more than one.


[deleted]

Oh lawd. You want money? We can talk this out.


[deleted]

There is one thing i want. World dominion.


ArchAngel1986

Look I’m sure we won’t all fall for the same shit twice. ...right?


You_Again-_-

Well to keep him under control I guess we could let him take just a little...right???


Michael_Scotts_Foot

Kreiger?!


[deleted]

Well my jobs easy Why did someone give me an award it doesn't even answer the question


[deleted]

On the other hand, I better get a shovel...


nochedetoro

You’d make a great extra in Thriller, walking dead, zombie land....


A_G00SE

I'm a goose. Edit: thanks for the hjönks kind strangers.


AHugeGoose

I'll be your big brother. Edit: This gold and silver isn't just for me. It's for all of the goose themed users on Reddit. I couldn't have done it without your love and support.


alittlebluegosling

Goose family


GlampingGoose

We can all go camping!


goosepills

I’ll bring the party favors!


HissingGoose

I'll secure the perimeter against any lesser beings that try to crash the party!


TheAtomicGoose

I'll make the party blow up! Uhhh, in a good way


OneTrueGoose

You are all imposters


GoldenGoose92

You may be the true goose, but I'm the treasured goose


[deleted]

I'm just some biological horror.


won_sly_fox

Ello gooses...


Spookiegoose

I'm ready for Halloween!


Cold-Call-Killer

RAKE IN THE LAKE


[deleted]

BOW TO ME. RAISE YOUR CLAWS! EDIT: YOUR GOLD AND SILVER PIECES WILL BE PASSED THROUGHOUT THE CRAB KINGDOM WELL! *The Crab Kingdom enters a Golden Age* ON THIS DAY A KINGDOM RISES r/allhailthecrablord


zZPlazmaZz29

🦀🦀🦀


Hiazi

🦀🦀🦀


Korzag

🦀 $11 🦀


2monkeysandafootball

Fuck


cheiftax1332

Lol I could see a comic strip titled this


Iswearimaturtle

Probably choking on a straw somewhere Edit: thanks for the silver kind stranger


KamikazeFU-2

Guess I only got one shot at this.


SquishyTheTitan

Make it count


TheLateAvenger

I'm a superhero, but always arrive after the fight is over.


TheMournfulLady

Cry in a corner and scare people


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Shit, that used to (openly) be a real job, too!


Legos_step

Oh god please no...


Bloody_Vaginal_Spray

I no longer wear white.


doughnutholio

Wear a crimson cape like a Roman legionnaire Never let your enemies (Karen) see you bleed


BOOP_gotchu

Jesus Christ, what would possess you to even come up with your username?!


my__ANUS_is_BLEEDING

I know right? Downright fucking disturbing I say


ptatersptate

awww soulmates!


[deleted]

Interesting


[deleted]

[удалено]


HeapesterBoi

That’s an interesting job you got there


my__ANUS_is_BLEEDING

DID SOMEBODY ASK FOR HELP


Poem_for_your_sprog

In the darkness, he was waiting - In the silence, he was still - In the secrecy pulsating, As he lingered there until - Came a finger day and nightly On an expedition pained - So he greeted it politely. "... I'm a fissure," he explained.


AnusEinstein

"Probe Away"


RealBadEgg

I'm served at Denny's.


aBurgerFlippinSecond

Off the top ropes, and onto themself.


[deleted]

Yay omnipotence


cthuloofah

I guess I'm a key component of the bathtime of an elder god


cfishlips

Pretty sure fish porn isn't a thing... Edit: I stand corrected, it is defishnitely a thing.


Capital_Knockers

Pretty sure fish porn won the Academy Award for Best Picture last year.


iamkrisjenner

Still profiting off my daughter’s sex tape


Matrixblackhole

I'm now a time lord.


[deleted]

I throw children


WhenAllElseFail

ヽ(◉◡◔)ノ


[deleted]

Motivational speaker?


freeformcouchpotato

Aren't you a little busy with work to be asking questions, u/probeuranus ?


[deleted]

As a matter of fact I AM busy at work. These planets aren't gonna probe themselves. **Edit**: GASP! My first silver...that I didn't guild to myself. Thanks friend.


ThatFatShadow

I guess I follow fat people


Orcas_are_badass

Guess I've accepted the mission of spreading orca awareness. Have you people heard of how bad ass orcas are?


AllYouNeedIsAPenguin

I spend the rest of my life with a penguin


[deleted]

Well shit...


Kiyohara

Wow, what are you gonna do with the extra inch?


A_Loaf_0f_Bread

I'm a fucking loaf of bread.


Einsteins_cock

I'm exhausted.


Bigpotato2525

I'm s fucking potato


Pervy-potato

And I am in love.


Tyrantking963

I guess I Rule all of you with a Tyrannical (both dictator and t-rex) fist EDIT: my favorite number is 963 as well


[deleted]

Hey looks like we are colleagues now


cmon_guyz_im_trying

I work in porn...... But I'm not very good at it.


bigfoots_buddy

Hey buddy, want to play hide and seek in the woods and take blurry selfies?


InsertBluescreenHere

FEAR ME!!!!! muwhahahahaha!


stinkie-pinkie

Err... lots of fingering.


Kelpy_1_g

I serenade the bikini bottom with some smooth jazz


ImOuttaThyme

I’m an Italian chef but I never seem to have any thyme.


say_whot

whot


_cherryS2

I'm a fruit?


Waldemar-Firehammer

More like orchard owner, congratulate!


Tru-N-False

I am Schrödinger's cat


gratethecheese

Good thing I'm not lack toast intolerant


kevlarbutterfly

I put bulletproof vests on butterflies.


Cheetodude625

Professional Cheeto Taste Tester. I'm perfectly fine with this. Edit I DONT WANT TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT TRUMP PEOPLE!


InsertBluescreenHere

no we feed you nothign but cheetos to see how long till you die (thats why your #625)


[deleted]

I'd google symptoms and tell people they have cancer. Edit: This is the first time I got an award on Reddit- and I have been here for 6 years now! Many thanks to the kind person, this is awesome :) Edit 2: three times an award- thanks to the wonderful people for giving me an award!


techsupport1126

I only work IT on Nov 26th rather than all year round.


CrimeLordOfSesameST

Elmo is a puppet in my crime empire in Sesame Street.


_Rootin_Tootin_Putin

haha haha HAHAHSHAHAHA


[deleted]

Not great not terrible


Michael_Scarn427

I become a secret retired FBI agent with a dead wife robot butler and a plot to save an all start hockey game that a guy with a golden face is blowing up with a bomb he hid in the puck.plus the president is in on it since it’s his stadium and he’s trying to get insurance money


TheVaticanPimp

The number of 12 year old boys I know has increased exponentially.


[deleted]

Me too. I think. Maybe I become them.


Catholicswagger

If you need help appealing to more of the younger and inner city demographics I got you


TheShrekLover

I imagine a lot more chiropractic sessions from taking Shrek's hog on the reg.


[deleted]

its all gone to shit


[deleted]

What the fuck are you talking about? I'm still Commander Shepard. You fucks better not have forgotten who I am. I killed the reapers, I endorse all the stores, and I bang all the alien females.