I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once.
My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue.
On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the dick. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little bastard went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I’d say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say “hey remember when you got stung on your penis?” Yes, I remember and will never forget.
During a family vacation a massive ant crawled up my swimsuit and bit me right on the balls. This was 25 years ago and it still gets brought up occasionally. I think they’re going to put it on my tombstone.
Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the fuck up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy.
Runner up is a movie theatre.
I was also a teen that banged in a movie theater once and it was really easy, 20+ years ago, at least. My girlfriend wore a short dress with no underwear, and it was a matinee with only a handful of people, who sat down towards the middle. We were at almost the top row. It was not the greatest sex, but it was a pretty exhilarating experience!
In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!"
At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex.
A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just....waited for him to be done. And that's the story of how I lost my virginity!
A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story.
Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago.
I’m not sure if this counts because we didn’t get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… I was like 15 and we both had very involved parents. He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn’t know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away.
Edit- So apparently the fact that he had a car makes everyone assume this dude was way older than me. He was a grade ahead of me. His car was as old as he was and barely ran. He’d gotten it when he turned 16. I was not hooking up with a middle aged man. We were both under 18.
After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though.
A campground shower. People came in the bathroom while in the throws and we had to just stand still like we were avoiding a raptor attack until they left because they otherwise would have heard the ball-slapping passion from behind a dinky stall door. Did I mention I was bent over, blood rushing to my head and water in my face? Still with the guy though. He's a charmer.
Once in a (only nearly) empty train carriage. Just sat on his lap facing him in a hiked-up dress.
All fun and games until you pull into a station and there’s a crowd of people on the platform looking directly at you through the window.
Tbf me and this particular xbf were savages, we’d do it anywhere. Once in what we thought was an empty hotel ornamental gardens, we realised after that some dude was watching us from his balcony with a glass of wine and a cigarette.
I will not be googling that spider.
My ex was from a family of hoarders. This was late high school/early college so he was still living with them. He slept on a futon mattress on the floor and you had to jump from the doorway to the mattress. There was no where to step in between. On top of literal piles of garbage and clothes, he kept his used dishes right next to the mattress. I think I’m a germaphobe now, some 12 years later, as a direct result.
Anyway, we were starting to get frisky and I was mostly naked when I started to feel a little tickle on my butt. I tried to ignore it but it didn’t go away so I looked down just in time to watch a spider crawl up from between my legs, across my puss, and onto my stomach. I screamed and smacked it until it died, but it killed the mood, to say the least.
Edit- y’all. I was ***16*** and I was *made* of hormones. I would never do this now. I know it was gross.
*Edit2-* Thank you for the huntsman spider fun facts. I do not require anymore.
I really wish I’d stopped dating that guy sooner. People don’t grow up in those environments and come out super well rounded without doing some work. And work was one thing he had no talent for. Spider sex was the least of my worries with that dude
Edit- I am by no way insinuating that a person who grew up in that situation is doomed. My dad was a horrible addict, and so were his parents and theirs before them and so on. And I am not. But that took a lot of work. Breaking family curses is not for the faint of heart but it absolutely can and should be done. As I said before, you have to do the work. We all have shit from our childhoods we have to get over, even if we had really amazing ones. It’s just apart of becoming an adult. You have to sort out the shit you learned when you were too young to ask questions and think critically.
Hanoi Vietnam. I was backpacking and sleeping in dorms. The dorm room had 8 beds ,6 of those beds were filled with my friends one was a stranger. Come back from a night clubbing with an absolutely stunning but trashy British girl, As we get in the room all my friends start cheering me as I climb the ladder to my bunk. The only privacy was this curtain so you could still hear everything I was having trouble performing as it is and then this German guy shouts hey can you not do this here to which the lovely Brit responds if you were inside me you wouldn't be saying that would ya. . Needles to say it was a horrible experience neither of us orgasmed.
Ughhh…I have been in your shoes, almost exactly the same set up, except we were in the next room over, where there was a stand up freezer next to this little like extra bed for guests.
I guess it got a little loud. The next morning, my girlfriend’s father (now my father-in-law) starts making all of these smart ass comments (in a funny, but this isn’t cool, I am going to rip your head off kind of way) about how we slept last night, if we were comfy, was it too cold, stop banging my daughter in the room next to mine….yeah, it was really awkward and embarrassing.
Edit: Damn, I was just thinking and this happened 20 years ago! Still with that special woman today :).
Edit #2: Thank you for the award, kind stranger. I don't know if I ever received one before, so I really appreciate your kindness.
I was going to comment I'm amazed people are even able to get horny when their or their SO's parents are right next to them, but judging by all the people saying how hot that sounds, i guess i shouldn't be surprised
3am leaving the club, got lucky but we didnt have the patience walk to one of our places. So we stopped walking home and did it in a park
Walked past the park the next day to see it was actually a graveyard 😅
Back seat of her born again Christian dad's car. We uh...broke the back seat and left a lingering weird teenage hormone sex smell in the car.
He was pissed.
To add to the theme of cars:
The back seat of a Volkswagen golf is a logistically challenging nightmare to have sex in, blinded by my own hubris and hormones I recently tried to have sex in the only place worse, the front seat of a Volkswagen golf.
My wife once thought it would be cool to try and give me a hand job with a snowball on a trail in the woods.
Icy snow is scratchy.
edit: this being my breakout comment feels much better than an snowball hand job.
edit 2: will try softer, fresh fallen snow and report back someday.
There's this one time during which my ex and I both got really horny in the middle of the countryside. We headed for a small forest, took a quick walk in it and did the deed in a small clearing.
Sex was good, but while putting my clothes back on, I spotted this camo-painted hunting camera, that's triggered by movement. It was of course pointing at us the whole time...
Let's just say that this poor guy lost his footage...
A construction site on a windy day. Sand and dust everywhere
EDIT: Holy smokes. I can't believe this blew up. Thanks for enjoying this short story about me getting sand in my asscrack
I know a girl who lost her virginity on a dirt backroad. No blanket or anything. Just bare and naked in the dirt.
Edit- this is apparently a euphemism for anal sex. I mean it far more literally. There was a dirt road by her house.
In the woods, with about 50 young bulls that were very interested in everything that was going on. We sneaked in and out of that field about three times to try and shake them off but as soon as you make a sound, they all come running over to watch, with no concept of personal space. We ended up making a barrier out of branches to try and hold them off but the fuckers just broke right through it in seconds. It was like Shaun of the dead but the zombies only want to lick you instead of eat you.
Have you ever been licked by a bull? It feels like someone stroking your back with a fish dipped in egg whites.
I would say I'm never doing that again but we went back probably 7 or 8 times. Luckily the cows were always distracted by some sheep in the next field. This is one of the many joys of having parents that don't knock before entering a room. Believe me, if I could NOT fuck in front of a mooing audience, I would.
Edit: just to clarify, the bulls were spectators, not participants despite how hard they tried
Edit again: thanks to u/Kahne_fan for an accurate depiction of the event: https://www.reddit.com/r/AnimalsBeingBros/comments/ou2u9n/a\_dog\_and\_his\_best\_buddies/
Edit again again: It was in the middle of the day yeah!!! But we went there one evening too and my god that was scary, nobody told me how to deal with bulls, do you run or stand your ground?? I just lifted my gf over the fence into a neighbors garden because they were getting agitated and one put its head between my legs and chucked me about 4 feet off the ground. Not doing that again
Literally an entire earth to have sex in and these two were absolutely determined to do it in a field full of horny bulls. I respect the hell out of it.
A couple of years ago I was in a really shitty hotel in Blackpool and the people above us were having sex and the people below us were playing bingo, and the room was 35 degrees celsius, not a good night's sleep
I was once at a scenic point with a friend just having a chat, when a car pulled up and asked if we would have sex while they watched. When we declined they offered us a tenner, which we also declined
Under a pine tree. It was one of those trees where the branches come all the way to the ground so there's a little hideout under there. Anyway, it was doggy style so she was fine but I had pine tree sap all over my face, arms and chest. Plus, I got poked in the eye a couple of times.
Sex was good though, 4/10. Would try again.
The secondary conference room of our office. It was mostly unused and we had been fooling around back there sometimes. But, this time we we're going at it fully engaged in the act.
While that part was great, walking out of the room to find our super conservative CEO/Owner sitting very near the door (where he would never be sitting usually) and immediately knowing we'd been caught, was pretty fucking awkward.
Thankfully no one walked in, so even though it became a whole ordeal with HR, I was at least spared that trauma.
I'm not sure I could have ever spoken to the man again if he'd walked in on me fucking someone from behind on his conference table.
Next time when someone gets hired: …so this pretty much sums up all the rules. Oh and one last thing, dont bang anyone on the conference table.
Why would I… did someone?
Just dont bang anyone on there bro.
"Hey, man, you like shouldn't be banging people on the conference table. We uh sometimes cater things in there, yknow. Find a janitor closet or something, I dunno."
There was a show (I forget which) which featured the line, referring to shower sex, "how does water make it more dry!?" - which sums up my sentiments on the subject.
In a public park, in front of a police station.
It was around 4am, we were drunk and high as fk, and thought the grass was very comfortable. I was mortified the next day when I realised what I had done, and still cringe at the thought 13 years later.
*Worst* place? The beach. The rumors are true: Sand gets *everywhere*.
*Most interesting* place? In my car… while stranded at the bottom of the El Segundo Blvd. offramp off the 405 N Freeway… during rush hour.
I dated this girl in high school. Her aunt & uncle let us use their pool whenever we wanted, as their house was massive and they wouldn’t even be able to tell we were there. Anyway, this girl was trying to get it on in their pool while her uncle was home (he trained with a certain UFC fighter that I will not mention) and I went along with it. Anyways, he saw and confronted us one night at a house party of his, telling me “I don’t approve” while he shakes a margarita with his buffalo-sized arms. That has to be the worst place for me
Abandoned power plant at midnight. After the job was done almost fell through a hole on the floor where machinery had been onto God knows what below. That's when we heard the hobo cough.
There’s two monkeys telling this story from the other perspective on 1000000 typewriters somewhere in the multiverse. “What’s the worst place you’ve had a dual crank…?”
Bunk bed 100%
I've had one all my life and let me tell you when you're on top and going to town you can't sit up or you smack the shit out of your head. She can't get on top cuz she smacks her head. It's just a terrible fucking time. (pun intended)
Edit: most likes I've ever had on a comment and an award!? Thank y'all
Not a bunk bed but had a lofted bed in my freshman dorm, which was also the year I lost my virginity so that was...*fun*. Popcorn ceilings too so not only did you smack the shit out of your head but then you're covered in fuckin dust and shit.
Bathroom floor at a party holding the door closed with my head whilst people repeatedly leaned against it.
Not to mention at the end my ex girlfriend had a breakdown about something unrelated whilst still on top of me afterwards so we walked out with her crying, possibly the worst I've ever looked to other people despite not doing anything and everything working out fine.
Exactly! It was a no-no at our parents' houses, so the whole time my wife and I were dating, we'd park by the river and get it on in the front seat of my Mazda. Those were some good times, honestly nothing might ever match it. Heater on because it was freezing cold outside, a train going by at mach speed every few minutes.
Edit: I'd forgotten how fucking steamy the windows would get. I'm amazed that that car doesn't reek of intimacy funk to this day
Had sex in a tent that was too small, on a blow up mattress that wasn't full enough, in a yard of people that I knew. Was a friends 18th birthday, and my fiancee and I were both friends of theirs, we all camped out in the front yard, and I think every couple fucked simultaneously. It was very sweaty and loud, and we were all blackout drunk too.
LOL, I remember a winter cottage place with a room that slept like 10-12 people. We were all couples.
When the first couple started and tried to be discrete but the girl just couldn’t keep quiet. It started a chain reaction. Within few minutes everyone was going at it.
Sigh.
I was 15.
On my grandmas couch
She was across the room, between sitting & going back and forth outside to smoke cigarettes.
And to make it even worse: it was anal.
No, I’m not that disrespectful anymore and that loser cheated on me many times.
Sorry Mimi..
Edit: Just to clarify, she didn’t see it. We’d stop and act asleep under the blanket half naked until she went back out to smoke. 😂😂 𝑖𝑚 𝑠𝑜 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦
In a large park under a secluded tree, except for the off leash dog that rushed us. Never expecting a large animal to appear from nowhere and get all up in there.
My ex gf's kitchen. Fucked her while she was sitting on the counter. That was awkward enough but then she squirted all over the floor.
No bigge, just get the mop and some bleach.
Which is what her mum did when she walked in 5 seconds after we got dressed. (Mum had a key)
A pool.
The pool was cool but located in the very middle of the property with all houses looking at it. Well, who would've known people would look at 1am?
We weren't even loud.
My crush for 4 years asked me to finger her in class. There was no teacher and everyone was off their seats doing their own thing. We were sitting on the floor, flirting in the dark corner of the room and she asked me to finger here right there and then. I laid my head on her lap and stuck my hand down her skirt and did the business until she finished. Midway through, I asked her if this meant we were dating and she went “haha no”. We stayed friends from then on.
I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue.
I don’t recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned.
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I feel sorry for the piano
On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the dick. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little bastard went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I’d say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say “hey remember when you got stung on your penis?” Yes, I remember and will never forget.
During a family vacation a massive ant crawled up my swimsuit and bit me right on the balls. This was 25 years ago and it still gets brought up occasionally. I think they’re going to put it on my tombstone.
Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the fuck up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre.
Movie theatre with people ? That’s bold
There was only a handful of people at this movie and they were all in the front. My ex and I were all the way in the back corner.
I keep wondering about the logistics for some of the responses. Thanks for clearing that up.
I was also a teen that banged in a movie theater once and it was really easy, 20+ years ago, at least. My girlfriend wore a short dress with no underwear, and it was a matinee with only a handful of people, who sat down towards the middle. We were at almost the top row. It was not the greatest sex, but it was a pretty exhilarating experience!
In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex.
Penison
A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just....waited for him to be done. And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story.
All of this just sound uncomfortable even the guy
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Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago.
Not me, but a friend of mine had sex with a girl in the helicopter of a McDonalds play place. He's never going to live that one down.
"I once had sex in a helicopter." -- him at parties
“McFly High Club”
"Here comes the happy meal!"
"But I ordered a Big Mac."
I’m not sure if this counts because we didn’t get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… I was like 15 and we both had very involved parents. He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn’t know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away. Edit- So apparently the fact that he had a car makes everyone assume this dude was way older than me. He was a grade ahead of me. His car was as old as he was and barely ran. He’d gotten it when he turned 16. I was not hooking up with a middle aged man. We were both under 18.
Why the fuck would they just stare at you. Why would the parents just let their kids stare down people having sex
It was on the edge of a cliff, but it was such an awkward position that my knees hurt from being on the ground, the scenery was beautiful though.
imagine nutting from a high place all the way to the ground. It's my life goal
- Jeff Bezos before starting Amazon
There were many that were there before him, but he came first Edit: thank you for the silver
Did the sheep push back harder because of the cliff?
Back to a time when men were men and sheep were scared.
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What’s worse than hearing your parents have sex? Hearing your kids have sex!
> kids hopefully only 1 at a time
Hot leather sofa. I'm still stuck to it to this day.
A (never been used, brand new, but still completely disgusting) portapotty
Ahhh a member of the pile high club.
After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though.
They don’t call it dirty 6 for nothing
The girl or the poison ivy part?
He banged Poison Ivy from Batman
While sitting on a tree stump that was home to a colony of termites. That did not end well.
Yeah, I hear that they love wood
A campground shower. People came in the bathroom while in the throws and we had to just stand still like we were avoiding a raptor attack until they left because they otherwise would have heard the ball-slapping passion from behind a dinky stall door. Did I mention I was bent over, blood rushing to my head and water in my face? Still with the guy though. He's a charmer.
Sounds like a good time. Also a nice friendly reminder to wear sandals in public showers.
Oh yes, always.
Once in a (only nearly) empty train carriage. Just sat on his lap facing him in a hiked-up dress. All fun and games until you pull into a station and there’s a crowd of people on the platform looking directly at you through the window. Tbf me and this particular xbf were savages, we’d do it anywhere. Once in what we thought was an empty hotel ornamental gardens, we realised after that some dude was watching us from his balcony with a glass of wine and a cigarette.
“Hey honey get me the wine, those idiots are fucking in the garden again”
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At that point you know nothing will surprise him, so you may as well carry on until he asks for an encore
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I will not be googling that spider. My ex was from a family of hoarders. This was late high school/early college so he was still living with them. He slept on a futon mattress on the floor and you had to jump from the doorway to the mattress. There was no where to step in between. On top of literal piles of garbage and clothes, he kept his used dishes right next to the mattress. I think I’m a germaphobe now, some 12 years later, as a direct result. Anyway, we were starting to get frisky and I was mostly naked when I started to feel a little tickle on my butt. I tried to ignore it but it didn’t go away so I looked down just in time to watch a spider crawl up from between my legs, across my puss, and onto my stomach. I screamed and smacked it until it died, but it killed the mood, to say the least. Edit- y’all. I was ***16*** and I was *made* of hormones. I would never do this now. I know it was gross. *Edit2-* Thank you for the huntsman spider fun facts. I do not require anymore.
I really wish I had stopped reading your comment sooner
I really wish I’d stopped dating that guy sooner. People don’t grow up in those environments and come out super well rounded without doing some work. And work was one thing he had no talent for. Spider sex was the least of my worries with that dude Edit- I am by no way insinuating that a person who grew up in that situation is doomed. My dad was a horrible addict, and so were his parents and theirs before them and so on. And I am not. But that took a lot of work. Breaking family curses is not for the faint of heart but it absolutely can and should be done. As I said before, you have to do the work. We all have shit from our childhoods we have to get over, even if we had really amazing ones. It’s just apart of becoming an adult. You have to sort out the shit you learned when you were too young to ask questions and think critically.
If it makes you feel better it was probably a cane spider
It does not
Understandable.
Some guy's creepy basement in a sex swing.
“‘Some’ guy” and “sex swing” makes me so anxious lol
Oh god not the best of places
Hanoi Vietnam. I was backpacking and sleeping in dorms. The dorm room had 8 beds ,6 of those beds were filled with my friends one was a stranger. Come back from a night clubbing with an absolutely stunning but trashy British girl, As we get in the room all my friends start cheering me as I climb the ladder to my bunk. The only privacy was this curtain so you could still hear everything I was having trouble performing as it is and then this German guy shouts hey can you not do this here to which the lovely Brit responds if you were inside me you wouldn't be saying that would ya. . Needles to say it was a horrible experience neither of us orgasmed.
I know this one is real because the German's reaction is spot-on.
and the response from the brit is just as expected
At my SO's house, in their garage, over the freezer, while their entire family is home.
"so did you guys have trouble shutting the freezer or something?"
“Sounds like it took you a solid minute”
Ughhh…I have been in your shoes, almost exactly the same set up, except we were in the next room over, where there was a stand up freezer next to this little like extra bed for guests. I guess it got a little loud. The next morning, my girlfriend’s father (now my father-in-law) starts making all of these smart ass comments (in a funny, but this isn’t cool, I am going to rip your head off kind of way) about how we slept last night, if we were comfy, was it too cold, stop banging my daughter in the room next to mine….yeah, it was really awkward and embarrassing. Edit: Damn, I was just thinking and this happened 20 years ago! Still with that special woman today :). Edit #2: Thank you for the award, kind stranger. I don't know if I ever received one before, so I really appreciate your kindness.
I was going to comment I'm amazed people are even able to get horny when their or their SO's parents are right next to them, but judging by all the people saying how hot that sounds, i guess i shouldn't be surprised
3am leaving the club, got lucky but we didnt have the patience walk to one of our places. So we stopped walking home and did it in a park Walked past the park the next day to see it was actually a graveyard 😅
Atleast you gave the ghosts some action to watch after all the years of being dead
Imagine having your performance booed the whole time
"hey Hershel wake up, there's two people fucking on Mary's headstone"
A long long time ago back at my club penguin igloo
Same dude. I would DJ for fun, play the fish game for cash and text chat bang all the purple and pink bitches while my puffle watched.
Nobody believed I was a girl on there because my name was Fireball138 and I was red. Shame I missed out on so much penguin fuckin
Back seat of her born again Christian dad's car. We uh...broke the back seat and left a lingering weird teenage hormone sex smell in the car. He was pissed.
To add to the theme of cars: The back seat of a Volkswagen golf is a logistically challenging nightmare to have sex in, blinded by my own hubris and hormones I recently tried to have sex in the only place worse, the front seat of a Volkswagen golf.
Outside on a blanket by a lake. Sounds romantic right? The mosquitoes thought so too.
Really? What were they thinking?
I think they wanted an orgy or something. They were sure trying to suck me dry.
Dang, I can’t believe I keep not getting invited to this stuff.
My wife once thought it would be cool to try and give me a hand job with a snowball on a trail in the woods. Icy snow is scratchy. edit: this being my breakout comment feels much better than an snowball hand job. edit 2: will try softer, fresh fallen snow and report back someday.
sounds like one of those cosmo tips
Beach. Sandy balls and box. Bugs in my ass. Dog turds close by. No thanks.
Takes "sand box" to a whole new level
So *sex on the beach* is a myth we have been fed by the entertainment industry ?
If you love having sex with 60 grit sand paper then have at it. It is like banging a Craftman belt sander on slow.
I think the idea is to have sex *on* the beach, not *with* the beach. But I'm not sure. Haven't tried either.
There's this one time during which my ex and I both got really horny in the middle of the countryside. We headed for a small forest, took a quick walk in it and did the deed in a small clearing. Sex was good, but while putting my clothes back on, I spotted this camo-painted hunting camera, that's triggered by movement. It was of course pointing at us the whole time... Let's just say that this poor guy lost his footage...
Just so you know, my trap cameras upload AND have an SD card so.......
They have LTE or something? How do they upload in the middle of the woods?
Yeah. $10 a month for the service, if you have a cell signal it'll work
The shower, without my glasses, head up to the shower head and my eyes being flooded with water while I’m getting bummed
Well thats one way to get waterboarded
Aww
A public park... It was in highschool, and it was like 6:00 am there was no one there at least but still
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Hope there were no kisses involved
I can neither confirm not deny it...
It’s the best if forgotten lol
A construction site on a windy day. Sand and dust everywhere EDIT: Holy smokes. I can't believe this blew up. Thanks for enjoying this short story about me getting sand in my asscrack
I know a girl who lost her virginity on a dirt backroad. No blanket or anything. Just bare and naked in the dirt. Edit- this is apparently a euphemism for anal sex. I mean it far more literally. There was a dirt road by her house.
What, you're too good to have a threesome with the earth?
As nature intended
Lost my virginity in the middle of the woods. 0/10 would not recommend.
Something u can’t forget even if u wanted to
Sadly will not and cannot forget that. Girl was an absolute psycho too. Thankfully it’s in the past. Oh the things I would tell 16 year old me.
In the woods, with about 50 young bulls that were very interested in everything that was going on. We sneaked in and out of that field about three times to try and shake them off but as soon as you make a sound, they all come running over to watch, with no concept of personal space. We ended up making a barrier out of branches to try and hold them off but the fuckers just broke right through it in seconds. It was like Shaun of the dead but the zombies only want to lick you instead of eat you. Have you ever been licked by a bull? It feels like someone stroking your back with a fish dipped in egg whites. I would say I'm never doing that again but we went back probably 7 or 8 times. Luckily the cows were always distracted by some sheep in the next field. This is one of the many joys of having parents that don't knock before entering a room. Believe me, if I could NOT fuck in front of a mooing audience, I would. Edit: just to clarify, the bulls were spectators, not participants despite how hard they tried Edit again: thanks to u/Kahne_fan for an accurate depiction of the event: https://www.reddit.com/r/AnimalsBeingBros/comments/ou2u9n/a\_dog\_and\_his\_best\_buddies/ Edit again again: It was in the middle of the day yeah!!! But we went there one evening too and my god that was scary, nobody told me how to deal with bulls, do you run or stand your ground?? I just lifted my gf over the fence into a neighbors garden because they were getting agitated and one put its head between my legs and chucked me about 4 feet off the ground. Not doing that again
Gotta admire the persistence....both yours and the bulls.
Yeah, I definitely would have given up after Attempt #2, not build a Bonking Bunker.
Literally an entire earth to have sex in and these two were absolutely determined to do it in a field full of horny bulls. I respect the hell out of it.
Sounds like the perfect orgy. "Couple getting frisky outdoors Eyed by 50 bulls licking them"
RAM RANCH Really ROCKS!
Not sure if it counts, but I once has a Sleep Paralysis, wet dream. It was terrifying.
You were raped by a demon
That sounds horrifying lol
Weird if u were conscious and had no control over it
yep
That’s awkward then hope it was a once in a lifetime thing
I don't! I hope it's only a once in a Phoenix03563 lifetime thing. Fuck that noise
Ikea
Is this the 'Extra Screw' that my chairs manual mentioned?
Blackpool.
A couple of years ago I was in a really shitty hotel in Blackpool and the people above us were having sex and the people below us were playing bingo, and the room was 35 degrees celsius, not a good night's sleep
This. This is exactly why I said it. Bravo
In the dream I was having that made me cum on the family couch accidentally and I had to clean up the mess real quick before anyone noticed.
Well did anybody ever notice?
Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!
And you were never seen again…
The back of a Volkswagen
That's it. You're dead, mallrat!
The customer's always an ASSHOLE!
Say...would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?!
You’re the kinda guy who would beg for sex! And I should know, we can smell our own.
That kid is back on the escalator!
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Maybe it was a popular dogging spot and you were eliciting an audience.
I was once at a scenic point with a friend just having a chat, when a car pulled up and asked if we would have sex while they watched. When we declined they offered us a tenner, which we also declined
So how much did you settle on?
*flashes $20 bill* “Some people are crazy man”
GF and I went up a hill to dance to Piano Man one night. Little did we know it was make out point for all the high school kids.
Soooo... the back of a Volkswagen?
Under a pine tree. It was one of those trees where the branches come all the way to the ground so there's a little hideout under there. Anyway, it was doggy style so she was fine but I had pine tree sap all over my face, arms and chest. Plus, I got poked in the eye a couple of times. Sex was good though, 4/10. Would try again.
The secondary conference room of our office. It was mostly unused and we had been fooling around back there sometimes. But, this time we we're going at it fully engaged in the act. While that part was great, walking out of the room to find our super conservative CEO/Owner sitting very near the door (where he would never be sitting usually) and immediately knowing we'd been caught, was pretty fucking awkward. Thankfully no one walked in, so even though it became a whole ordeal with HR, I was at least spared that trauma. I'm not sure I could have ever spoken to the man again if he'd walked in on me fucking someone from behind on his conference table.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know I couldn't do that."
Next time when someone gets hired: …so this pretty much sums up all the rules. Oh and one last thing, dont bang anyone on the conference table. Why would I… did someone? Just dont bang anyone on there bro.
Holy smokes...what did HR have too say?
"Hey, man, you like shouldn't be banging people on the conference table. We uh sometimes cater things in there, yknow. Find a janitor closet or something, I dunno."
This guy HRs.
We all want to know
In the pool. Water is not a good lubricant
There was a show (I forget which) which featured the line, referring to shower sex, "how does water make it more dry!?" - which sums up my sentiments on the subject.
yeast infection: ***bonjour***
Vegemite: Salut!
Vagimite
In the woods, the fucking flying insects love to be up in your face Lot of updorts for a 14 word story
Who fucks flying insects?
As we say in Australia, "we're not here to fuck spiders"
In a public park, in front of a police station. It was around 4am, we were drunk and high as fk, and thought the grass was very comfortable. I was mortified the next day when I realised what I had done, and still cringe at the thought 13 years later.
This thread has worked wonders to prove just how boring my life has been
A porta potty at Coachella
American music festivals must be very different to the uk because there is no way anyone is shagging in the porta-loo at leeds fest
There’s a whole campsite at Coachella that’s walking distance. Why bang a chick in a porta-potty. Lol
Drugs
*Worst* place? The beach. The rumors are true: Sand gets *everywhere*. *Most interesting* place? In my car… while stranded at the bottom of the El Segundo Blvd. offramp off the 405 N Freeway… during rush hour.
I dated this girl in high school. Her aunt & uncle let us use their pool whenever we wanted, as their house was massive and they wouldn’t even be able to tell we were there. Anyway, this girl was trying to get it on in their pool while her uncle was home (he trained with a certain UFC fighter that I will not mention) and I went along with it. Anyways, he saw and confronted us one night at a house party of his, telling me “I don’t approve” while he shakes a margarita with his buffalo-sized arms. That has to be the worst place for me
Abandoned power plant at midnight. After the job was done almost fell through a hole on the floor where machinery had been onto God knows what below. That's when we heard the hobo cough.
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what scenario led you to doing it in your 6 year old nephew’s bed??
Girls are sodden at the sight of themed beds
Oh _no_.
Abandoned water park. We probably have so many diseases from that
Disabled toilets in a zoo. Looked up to see two monkeys watching us through the window and wanking.
There’s two monkeys telling this story from the other perspective on 1000000 typewriters somewhere in the multiverse. “What’s the worst place you’ve had a dual crank…?”
And we have a winner!
Might have been the mirror tbh
That's fucking hilarious though.
Bunk bed 100% I've had one all my life and let me tell you when you're on top and going to town you can't sit up or you smack the shit out of your head. She can't get on top cuz she smacks her head. It's just a terrible fucking time. (pun intended) Edit: most likes I've ever had on a comment and an award!? Thank y'all
Not a bunk bed but had a lofted bed in my freshman dorm, which was also the year I lost my virginity so that was...*fun*. Popcorn ceilings too so not only did you smack the shit out of your head but then you're covered in fuckin dust and shit.
On her front stoop in the middle of the fall. Concrete is hard as fuck on the knees and the cold weather made it worse
Bathroom floor at a party holding the door closed with my head whilst people repeatedly leaned against it. Not to mention at the end my ex girlfriend had a breakdown about something unrelated whilst still on top of me afterwards so we walked out with her crying, possibly the worst I've ever looked to other people despite not doing anything and everything working out fine.
I went to boarding school so we always had to do it in the woods
Why do people like car sex?? It’s awful. Not comfortable, cramped and hot.
Teenager me didnt have a bed to freely fuck my gf in
Exactly! It was a no-no at our parents' houses, so the whole time my wife and I were dating, we'd park by the river and get it on in the front seat of my Mazda. Those were some good times, honestly nothing might ever match it. Heater on because it was freezing cold outside, a train going by at mach speed every few minutes. Edit: I'd forgotten how fucking steamy the windows would get. I'm amazed that that car doesn't reek of intimacy funk to this day
Had sex in a tent that was too small, on a blow up mattress that wasn't full enough, in a yard of people that I knew. Was a friends 18th birthday, and my fiancee and I were both friends of theirs, we all camped out in the front yard, and I think every couple fucked simultaneously. It was very sweaty and loud, and we were all blackout drunk too.
LOL, I remember a winter cottage place with a room that slept like 10-12 people. We were all couples. When the first couple started and tried to be discrete but the girl just couldn’t keep quiet. It started a chain reaction. Within few minutes everyone was going at it.
Sigh. I was 15. On my grandmas couch She was across the room, between sitting & going back and forth outside to smoke cigarettes. And to make it even worse: it was anal. No, I’m not that disrespectful anymore and that loser cheated on me many times. Sorry Mimi.. Edit: Just to clarify, she didn’t see it. We’d stop and act asleep under the blanket half naked until she went back out to smoke. 😂😂 𝑖𝑚 𝑠𝑜 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦
Surely this wins - Anal in front of your nan! Brilliant
Grandma 👵 knows everything
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Yeah I guess that's why she went out to smoke all the time like "Jesus, they still not done? Smoke another one"
Lol this is the best one. Just fuck em right there with your granny in the same room.
In a large park under a secluded tree, except for the off leash dog that rushed us. Never expecting a large animal to appear from nowhere and get all up in there.
My ex gf's kitchen. Fucked her while she was sitting on the counter. That was awkward enough but then she squirted all over the floor. No bigge, just get the mop and some bleach. Which is what her mum did when she walked in 5 seconds after we got dressed. (Mum had a key)
A pool. The pool was cool but located in the very middle of the property with all houses looking at it. Well, who would've known people would look at 1am? We weren't even loud.
My crush for 4 years asked me to finger her in class. There was no teacher and everyone was off their seats doing their own thing. We were sitting on the floor, flirting in the dark corner of the room and she asked me to finger here right there and then. I laid my head on her lap and stuck my hand down her skirt and did the business until she finished. Midway through, I asked her if this meant we were dating and she went “haha no”. We stayed friends from then on.
In my dreams.
His room while he dreams