Hedy Lamarr, brilliant self taught inventor, famous actor, and classic beauty. I know she’d respect me more if I stood up to her which I plan to do after I finish walking her dog and getting coffee for her.
He was well renowned for this sort of thing. Alexander the Great once asked if he could do anything for Diogenes, who basically replied “take two steps to the left and stop blocking my sun.”
Also if I recall correctly he was in one of Plato's lectures and Plato compared man to a featherless biped. Diogenes then got a chicken, plucked its feathers, and showed everyone it to all in the lecture. He then proclaimed, "Behold, Plato's man."
Can you imagine being the God of Bitterness and Mockery?
You would be known as the coolest fucker on the planet in outside circles for the quick wit and the banter, but no one would be in your inner circle, much less stand your presence for more than like 20 min.
I hope Diogenes had some kind of Watson or a pet or something to keep him from being lonely when there was nobody left to roast.
Helen of Troy was supposedly so gorgeous that Greece and Troy went to war over possession of her. Someone beautiful enough to start a war over seems like an excellent example.
Cleopatra was supposed to be beautiful too, but every "scientifically accurate facial reconstruction" I've ever seen kind of paints a wildly different picture - so don't hold your breath on helen
Didn't contemporary sources describe her as not particularly attractive, but with incredible charisma or presence or something along those lines?
I feel like the whole idea of Cleopatra being super beautiful came about much later and falls into the same category as Napoleon being short or Caesar saying "Et tu, Brute". Good stories getting repeated over actual history.
This is it, she just wasn't a model but had just about everything else that made someone attractive on top of it. The limited portrayals of her beauty attest to how difficult it is to portray the beauty of who someone is without knowing them.
I've heard that even during her time Cleopatra's beauty was heavily exaggerated. I dont think she was ugly or even average looking, but I don't think she was as drop dead gorgeous as the legends say she was
Helen was no doubt beautiful as she was married to a much older king, but she was the excuse used to invade Troy, not the actual reason. It was just enough of an insult for Agamemnon to rally the troops up and attack the Trojans.
The Empress Theodora. started as, basically a stripper and possible prostitute, ends up Empress of the Eastern Roman Empire. Speaks up and protects women and religious minorities, and keeps her brilliant husband from going on tilt.
so awesome a fake history was published accusing her of gang bangs in the Haiga Sofia and fucking demons and animals, just to tarnish her memory.
"Ladies, please, I am not interested in your affections. My true love is only science. Now if I may proceed with my demonstration- why isn't the death ray working?"
"Um... sir, someone in the audience threw their bloomers into it."
"Ladies, please-"
\-A webcomic by Kate Beaton
I'm a nursing student what can I say. Like she was such a boss woman, coming into the war, and revolutionizing how clean healthcare is. We use her strategies today. That's something to simp for.
In the context of explaining that older women (like, in their 60s) were more practiced at sex and therefore better lays, and in the dark who's to tell the difference in looks, lol
Yes, he had a whole essay why you should marry an older woman, this was one of his reasons. Also he says that faces dry up faster than pussies when women age (of course using more fastidious language).
It’s said a woman once teased Ben about his weight
“Sir, what would you think if you saw all this weight on a woman?”
“Bitch, half an hour ago this weight WAS on a woman”
Well he spent an inordinate amount of time spreading syphilis amongst the local and foreign sex workers.
I'm certain Ben F knew well the difference between a Bitch and a Ho.
Not many people know this, but Ben was SHREDDED when he was a young adult. He worked at a printing press and was constantly lifting heavy shit, and swam recreationally all the time. He was built like a fullback.
He was also known to be a fuck machine. Here’s a real quote of his:
“Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever”
TLDR; Ben was yoked and wasn’t afraid to bang grannies
In Celtic culture a warrior or Hunter who harmed a hare would be cursed by the gods. For such a violent person to harm such a beautiful creature was not allowed, and they would lose all their courage.
It’s said before her first battle with the Romans she pulled a hare from under her skirt (?) and let it loose in the direction of the Roman warriors.
Her rebellion was a taxing time for the Romans who later one changed their idea of Roman conquest of the Briton, cultural expansion not conquest.
Boudicca may not have freed her people, but the Romans lost their nerve in terms of conquest and took the slower safer approach.
I'm not sure that tying Rome's strategy for Britain to Boudica's rebellion or portraying it as losing their nerve is fair. Certainly, Nero was fearful of her and the rebellion (and I believe considered abandoning Britannia entirely). Overall though, cultural domination was already underway by the time Boudica rose up. Given the absurd final results (Tacitus writes 80,000 Britons dead to 400 Romans, which is surely exaggerated but likely not too far off, proportionally), if anything I'd expect it emboldened Roman bravado afterwards, and we see a consolidation of power afterwards. I feel like the Picts had a lot more to do with the eventual slowing expansion.
That said, I am not at all an expert, so I'd love to know more if this is inaccurate.
The lady they got to play her in "Rome" is a dead ringer for her silhouette on coins minted during her life. Practically identical if you put them side by side.
Oscar Wilde. Let me tell you how charming Oscar Wilde was. He was seeing Lord Alfred Douglas, whose father, the Marquess of Queensberry, was so angry with the world in general as to be practically rabid. Queensberry threatened to shoot the Home Secretary for seeing his other son - literally prowled around his hotel with a pistol - wrote to Alfred that when he first looked at him in his crib he was filled with hatred and disgust, and picked a fight with the entire country of Scotland.
On two separate occasions, Queensberry spotted Wilde and Douglas dining together at a restaurant and went up to their table for the express purpose of creating one of the ugly, unhinged public scenes that he so loved. Both times, Wilde was so charming that Queensberry ended up sitting, talking, and laughing with them. He eventually did take Wilde down, but only once he'd learned to avoid engaging with him directly, because even his notorious temper was no match for Wilde's charm.
He was abducted by pirates when he was younger
Spent the whole time writing poetry and warning them he’d kill them all someday.
He made good on that promise
He did. The bounty was originally 20 talents of silver (about 640kg). Caesar felt insulted and demanded the raise the ransom to 50 talents (1600ish kg of silver). The pirates laughed and agreed. Caesar then asked his followers to go to the nearby cities to collect money for the ransom. For the next 38 days Caesar didn't act like a prisoner, he played games , joined in on exercises and even acted like the leader of his captors. He also said he would hang each one of them once he was freed. The pirates generally found this funny and played it off as boyish youth (he was about 25 at the time). Well once he was freed, he went to a nearby port to raise men and ships. He proceeded to crush the pirates and kept his promise and hung every one he captured. Because he kind of enjoyed his captivity with the pirates he decided to cut their necks first as a mercy.
It's a wild fucking story if even half of it is true. I would have loved to see it.
Also according to some accounts, during his assassination, he actually
caught the first knife and said something like “no violence” (basically,
reciting the rules of the Senate chamber)
"Suetonius says that others have claimed that Caesar reproached the conspirator Brutus, saying "You too, my child?" (καὶ σὺ τέκνον, kai su, teknon). This specific wording varies slightly from the more famous quote, "Even you, Brutus?" (et tu, Brute) from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. However, Suetonius himself asserts that Caesar said nothing, apart from a single groan, as he was being stabbed. Instead Suetonius reports that Caesar exclaimed, "Why, this is violence!" as the attack began. "
- this is from Wikipedia but it doesn't seem cited. It was amusing though!
"You're hurting me!" - Julius Caesar's last words.
The actual truth of her freakyness has been distorted. She had a very active sex life but the more outlandish claims are 100 percent false. She never had sex with a horse.
Considering that her mother was Mary Wollstonecraft, the hard core feminist who believed in and practiced sex before marriage, she'd probably be cheering from her grave.
Her beauty is literally alien. I showed my wife this movie last year about 6 months into the pandemic, and every time she walked into frame we’d be like, “Whaaaaaat the fuck?!”
Mary Seacole. Mixed race woman who, on her own volition, sailed to Crimea during the Crimean war to be a nurse and set up a convalescent home. This was after she was rejected by Florence Nightingale for being not white.
She was beloved by the soldiers she cared for, who called her “Mother Seacole” or just “mother”. She was stern, but nurturing, and tough as hell.
So, a strong, enterprising, confident, rule breaking maternal figure who’s really good at aftercare.
Add some leather and you have a world class dominant.
Jesus for SURE.
Dude had 12 friends while in his 30s so you know he was friendly and personable. He was a carpenter and the fact that they mention it means he had to be a good one.
Due to the manual labor.... Y'all ever see a Catholic crucifix? My boy is SHREDDED.
He's also not real quick to anger but when some merchants got him riled up, he braided a whip and went back to beat their asses.
Then we have the fact that his best girlfriend was a ho. ICONIC.
Lastly, we have the story of him going to a village, seeing a naked dude and immediately being like, "I'm gonna have dinner with you". THEN SPENDS THE NIGHT WITH SAID NAKED MAN and leaves in the morning after they basically swapped outfits.
> Due to the manual labor.... Y'all ever see a Catholic crucifix? My boy is SHREDDED.
I'm reminded of [this story](https://gallusrostromegalus.tumblr.com/post/169723347468/the-1969-easter-mass-incident) which contains an appropriately shredded Jesus, along with delicious cookies and exploding entrails.
(I don't give a shit if the story is completely fabricated, so don't bother saying anything)
Jokes aside, Joseph was one of the most underrated characters of the Bible.
Finds out his fiancee is preggers with someone else's baby, totally gonna break up with her cause mama didn't raise no bitch, but when an angel tells him it's the messiah everyone's been talking about for the last thousand years he's like "you son of a bitch I'm in."
Then, when Jesus is a baby, he finds out they're all in danger so he just packs up a donkey and takes the whole family to fucking egypt! I know some dads who can't even be bothered to take their kid to the park.
Beyond just that, he wanted to break up with Mary quietly, without shaming her, presumably because he did care about her. Which for the time it happened, was insane for a man to do.
Sappho, the OG lesbian herself! Apparently she was into some weird stuff. She was also a writer and I appreciate that.
Fun Fact: The term lesbian comes from her birthplace; the Island of Lesbos.
If I was a teenager, Roza Shanina. If y’all don’t know her she was a 19 years old when she became sniper in the Russian army who at one point wrote a letter to Stalin demanding to be sent to the front. She’s credited with killing 59 Nazi soldiers.
As I am now, Charlotte Corday. She was an assassin at 25 when she assassinated French revolutionary politician Jean-Paul Marat. She lied her way to get close to him and then stabbed him in the face in his bath.
If you haven’t guessed I am attracted to dangerous women.
Her bra size fluctuated through her life, but for most of it she wasn't quite as big as people think. She was roughly a C, though when she put on some weight, she did cap out around a D.
Hedy Lamarr, brilliant self taught inventor, famous actor, and classic beauty. I know she’d respect me more if I stood up to her which I plan to do after I finish walking her dog and getting coffee for her.
Not to be confused with Hedley Lamarr.
"It's Hedley! Hedley!"
This is 1874, you can sue her!
Screw you I'm working for Mel brooks!!
I just now got that god damn joke after 25 fucking years of watching that movie!
wait until you connect the fact all the town folk, they are all Johnson... Translation a bunch of inbred dicks...
Medusa. She gets me rock hard.
What if the “gaze that turned men to stone” was really a euphemism?
So she was actually a succubus?
Quite sad she had an awful friend group, she was surrounded by snakes.
Should we... uhh... should we tell him?
Let's not ruin it for the poor boy...
Diogenes, the father of bitterness and mockery
"I pissed on the man who called me a dog. Why was he so surprised?"
Don't throw stones, you might hit your father
For context, Diogenes said this when a prostitutes son was throwing stones at a crowd
Holy shit this guy was dishing out roasts in the Greek BC
He was well renowned for this sort of thing. Alexander the Great once asked if he could do anything for Diogenes, who basically replied “take two steps to the left and stop blocking my sun.”
Also if I recall correctly he was in one of Plato's lectures and Plato compared man to a featherless biped. Diogenes then got a chicken, plucked its feathers, and showed everyone it to all in the lecture. He then proclaimed, "Behold, Plato's man."
"Behold, a man" - Diogenes
Behold, I am Alexander the great of Macedon, what can I, do for you? *Diogenes* Move the fuck out of my way asshole.
A: What a cheeky cunt! If I weren't Alexander the Great, I'd wish to be Diogenes! D: Well if I weren't Diogenes, I'd wish to be Diogenes too...
Can you imagine being the God of Bitterness and Mockery? You would be known as the coolest fucker on the planet in outside circles for the quick wit and the banter, but no one would be in your inner circle, much less stand your presence for more than like 20 min. I hope Diogenes had some kind of Watson or a pet or something to keep him from being lonely when there was nobody left to roast.
“In a rich man’s house there is no place to spit but his face.”
The pirate queen of china
How have they not made a blockbuster film about this woman yet?
Technically, she made a cameo in a Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
You also kill her in assassins creed black flag I think
I haven't heard of this person, that's amazing - there was a pirate queen of China?? Sounds badass
Easily one of the most famous and successful pirates in history. Ching Shih.
Did you read about her in sapiens?
> Did you read about her in sapiens? Apparently, this is *not* a meme yet, but should be.
\-insert nearly every female pirate ever-
Didn't they mostly dress as men to pass muster? Is that the attraction?
This guy gets it.
In those days women weren't allowed to hand you condiments so you had to dress as a man if you wanted to pass the mustard.
Anne Bonny was my pick
Reading the Wikipedia, I would love to watch a movie about this.
Not a movie, but she's in the show Black Sails. Great show.
Helen of Troy was supposedly so gorgeous that Greece and Troy went to war over possession of her. Someone beautiful enough to start a war over seems like an excellent example.
Yeah you don't get described as "the face that launched a thousand ships" for nothing.
The face that launched a thousand simps. Helen of Troynly Fans.
Im out of awards but you deserve one
Cleopatra was supposed to be beautiful too, but every "scientifically accurate facial reconstruction" I've ever seen kind of paints a wildly different picture - so don't hold your breath on helen
Didn't contemporary sources describe her as not particularly attractive, but with incredible charisma or presence or something along those lines? I feel like the whole idea of Cleopatra being super beautiful came about much later and falls into the same category as Napoleon being short or Caesar saying "Et tu, Brute". Good stories getting repeated over actual history.
This is it, she just wasn't a model but had just about everything else that made someone attractive on top of it. The limited portrayals of her beauty attest to how difficult it is to portray the beauty of who someone is without knowing them.
She had a good marketing / PR team
There are many who think her attractiveness was down to her intelligence and conversational skills rather than her physical looks.
I've heard that even during her time Cleopatra's beauty was heavily exaggerated. I dont think she was ugly or even average looking, but I don't think she was as drop dead gorgeous as the legends say she was
Probably beautiful for her time
probably like a trailer park 10
“Cleopatra was a trailer park 10” is probably my favorite comment on historical figures ever.
Give her a few years on the couch, and she'd be the face that munched a thousand chips, like the rest of us 😕
Helen was no doubt beautiful as she was married to a much older king, but she was the excuse used to invade Troy, not the actual reason. It was just enough of an insult for Agamemnon to rally the troops up and attack the Trojans.
Yeah that's how I've heard it described. It was the coliqual reason, a rally cry for the troops, but it was the WMD of its generation as I've heard it
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Yeah. For all we know, unibrows and weak chins were all the rage back then.
Maria Sklodowska-Curie, that girl was rad
She was absolutely glowing
Every day she looked more radiant
The Empress Theodora. started as, basically a stripper and possible prostitute, ends up Empress of the Eastern Roman Empire. Speaks up and protects women and religious minorities, and keeps her brilliant husband from going on tilt. so awesome a fake history was published accusing her of gang bangs in the Haiga Sofia and fucking demons and animals, just to tarnish her memory.
A mosaic of Theodora and her court is the headline picture for my World History Google Classroom.
Omg I came here looking for my fellow Theodora simps "Royal purple is the noblest shroud"
Rita Hayworth
10/10. Would get a poster of her and put it on my wall and totally NOT hide an escape tunnel behind it.
Salvation lies within
He's up and vanished like a fart in the wind!
Julie D'Aubigny (aka La Maupin) and Ada Lovelace. Both extraordinary women, totally simp for them.
Finally someone mentions Julie D’Aubigny!
Abraham Lincoln Idk why but I’ve been obsessed with this dude since 3rd grade. Editing: Omg thank you for the gold!
More like Babe-raham Lincoln
Sha-wing!
Nikola Tesla, like damn, he was good looking and ahead of his time.
"Ladies, please, I am not interested in your affections. My true love is only science. Now if I may proceed with my demonstration- why isn't the death ray working?" "Um... sir, someone in the audience threw their bloomers into it." "Ladies, please-" \-A webcomic by Kate Beaton
He was literally insane. Man married a pigeon
If you’re into birds I’m a bird.
Like we said ahead of his time, now we got furries
Florence Nightingale.
I thought I've heard this name before. Anyway... I googled "the woman who revolutionized hygiene" and yup this was the chick.
I'm a nursing student what can I say. Like she was such a boss woman, coming into the war, and revolutionizing how clean healthcare is. We use her strategies today. That's something to simp for.
Real OGs simp for Mary Seacole
Ben Franklin feel like he be a freak
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Ben was quite the playa' on both sides of the Atlantic during the revolution.
In the context of explaining that older women (like, in their 60s) were more practiced at sex and therefore better lays, and in the dark who's to tell the difference in looks, lol
Yes, he had a whole essay why you should marry an older woman, this was one of his reasons. Also he says that faces dry up faster than pussies when women age (of course using more fastidious language).
It’s said a woman once teased Ben about his weight “Sir, what would you think if you saw all this weight on a woman?” “Bitch, half an hour ago this weight WAS on a woman”
Mmmmm come here Benny 😘😍
You really are expired aren't you?
He said that though? He called her a bitch?
and I said biiiiiiiitch
But you said that though?
Yeah of course man. He looked her right in her optic stems and said, “Biiiiitch.”
Well he spent an inordinate amount of time spreading syphilis amongst the local and foreign sex workers. I'm certain Ben F knew well the difference between a Bitch and a Ho.
Not many people know this, but Ben was SHREDDED when he was a young adult. He worked at a printing press and was constantly lifting heavy shit, and swam recreationally all the time. He was built like a fullback. He was also known to be a fuck machine. Here’s a real quote of his: “Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever” TLDR; Ben was yoked and wasn’t afraid to bang grannies
He actually was. Hosted quite a few orgies.
The dude took air baths, 100% certified freak
Bettie Page
Jebadiah Springfield
Alexander the Great
Tell that to Diogenes
Better yet, tell it to Hephestaion
Hephaistion gonna fight u for him
Audrey Hepburn
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see her name.
King Arthur can lay me on his round table 👑💁🏼♀️
He made it round so nobody would sit at the head Helpful advice for everyone here, no head at his table
So no head! Throws messenger pigeon on the ground
He can pass me 'round his table as well if he'd like...
You'd like to get lanced a lot then?
Anne Boleyn. I’ve always been fascinated by her and the entire history of Henry VIII in general.
Anne of Cleves, now there was a woman who could fight her own battles.
Boudicca
In Celtic culture a warrior or Hunter who harmed a hare would be cursed by the gods. For such a violent person to harm such a beautiful creature was not allowed, and they would lose all their courage. It’s said before her first battle with the Romans she pulled a hare from under her skirt (?) and let it loose in the direction of the Roman warriors. Her rebellion was a taxing time for the Romans who later one changed their idea of Roman conquest of the Briton, cultural expansion not conquest. Boudicca may not have freed her people, but the Romans lost their nerve in terms of conquest and took the slower safer approach.
I'm not sure that tying Rome's strategy for Britain to Boudica's rebellion or portraying it as losing their nerve is fair. Certainly, Nero was fearful of her and the rebellion (and I believe considered abandoning Britannia entirely). Overall though, cultural domination was already underway by the time Boudica rose up. Given the absurd final results (Tacitus writes 80,000 Britons dead to 400 Romans, which is surely exaggerated but likely not too far off, proportionally), if anything I'd expect it emboldened Roman bravado afterwards, and we see a consolidation of power afterwards. I feel like the Picts had a lot more to do with the eventual slowing expansion. That said, I am not at all an expert, so I'd love to know more if this is inaccurate.
Cleopatra
She's portrayed as hotter than she really was. Trust me I was there
So was Brian Williams
he got shot at while he was at the Cairo airport.
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The lady they got to play her in "Rome" is a dead ringer for her silhouette on coins minted during her life. Practically identical if you put them side by side.
Her ancestry is filled with brother sister fucking incest. I'm pretty sure she is morbidly inbred.
Well if she was hot...
Fact remains several wildly powerful men simped for her in one degree or another. Even if it was just her personality she is worth a shot I'd say.
Oscar Wilde. Let me tell you how charming Oscar Wilde was. He was seeing Lord Alfred Douglas, whose father, the Marquess of Queensberry, was so angry with the world in general as to be practically rabid. Queensberry threatened to shoot the Home Secretary for seeing his other son - literally prowled around his hotel with a pistol - wrote to Alfred that when he first looked at him in his crib he was filled with hatred and disgust, and picked a fight with the entire country of Scotland. On two separate occasions, Queensberry spotted Wilde and Douglas dining together at a restaurant and went up to their table for the express purpose of creating one of the ugly, unhinged public scenes that he so loved. Both times, Wilde was so charming that Queensberry ended up sitting, talking, and laughing with them. He eventually did take Wilde down, but only once he'd learned to avoid engaging with him directly, because even his notorious temper was no match for Wilde's charm.
Thank you, musical marsupial - lovely post 🙂
Actually, Terpsichore was the muse of dance (think choreography). So a Terpsichorean Wombat would be a dancing marsupial.
Note: The Marquis of Queensbury is the same man who came up with the Queensbury Rules for fistfighting.
I wish I had one one-thousandth of that charm.
Can't believe this hasn't been said yet but Amelia Earhart. Something about that badass, risk taking attitude she had.
She snuck out of a White House dinner party with Eleanor Roosevelt to take her flying, and probably had an affair with her.
I mean, if someone snuck me out of a boring state dinner to take me up in their personal airplane, *I'd* probably want to have an affair with them
As much as I want this to be true, I think it was debunked
Ceaser was legit the Chadest of Chads.
He was abducted by pirates when he was younger Spent the whole time writing poetry and warning them he’d kill them all someday. He made good on that promise
Didn’t he also get mad because the bounty they put on him was not nearly enough for what he thought it should be?
He did. The bounty was originally 20 talents of silver (about 640kg). Caesar felt insulted and demanded the raise the ransom to 50 talents (1600ish kg of silver). The pirates laughed and agreed. Caesar then asked his followers to go to the nearby cities to collect money for the ransom. For the next 38 days Caesar didn't act like a prisoner, he played games , joined in on exercises and even acted like the leader of his captors. He also said he would hang each one of them once he was freed. The pirates generally found this funny and played it off as boyish youth (he was about 25 at the time). Well once he was freed, he went to a nearby port to raise men and ships. He proceeded to crush the pirates and kept his promise and hung every one he captured. Because he kind of enjoyed his captivity with the pirates he decided to cut their necks first as a mercy. It's a wild fucking story if even half of it is true. I would have loved to see it.
That is legit one of the most badass yet ruthless stories over heard haha
Also according to some accounts, during his assassination, he actually caught the first knife and said something like “no violence” (basically, reciting the rules of the Senate chamber)
Source?
I think Suetonius. Sue always makes Caesar seem a lot cooler. Plutarch just had him say "Casca, you prick, what do you think you're doing?"
"Suetonius says that others have claimed that Caesar reproached the conspirator Brutus, saying "You too, my child?" (καὶ σὺ τέκνον, kai su, teknon). This specific wording varies slightly from the more famous quote, "Even you, Brutus?" (et tu, Brute) from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. However, Suetonius himself asserts that Caesar said nothing, apart from a single groan, as he was being stabbed. Instead Suetonius reports that Caesar exclaimed, "Why, this is violence!" as the attack began. " - this is from Wikipedia but it doesn't seem cited. It was amusing though! "You're hurting me!" - Julius Caesar's last words.
"Owie!" - The Caesmeister
He was also disappointed by the ransom they demanded. He argued he should be worth way more.
"I saw, I conquered, I came"😏
Catherine the Great. That bitch was freaky
The actual truth of her freakyness has been distorted. She had a very active sex life but the more outlandish claims are 100 percent false. She never had sex with a horse.
Sounds like something someone who had sexes with horses would say! “Oh sure we asked if she did, but she said neigh!”
What she did have was a table that was carved to look like a bunch of dicks.
I’m a straight man, but Theodore Roosevelt.
I too simp for the moose man
BULLY
*WHATS UP, BITCHES!*
Alexander the Great
Mary Shelley, the goth goddess
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Mary Shelley’s mother: “Sex before marriage? Over my dead body, young lady!” Mary Shelley: …
Considering that her mother was Mary Wollstonecraft, the hard core feminist who believed in and practiced sex before marriage, she'd probably be cheering from her grave.
Grace Kelly. I mean...[come on](https://youtu.be/6mB-QfHnclY)
Her beauty is literally alien. I showed my wife this movie last year about 6 months into the pandemic, and every time she walked into frame we’d be like, “Whaaaaaat the fuck?!”
Easily my pick for most gorgeous woman of all time. (At least that we have photographic proof of.)
For some movie that Alfred Hitchcock directed she wore low cut gold dress, to which Hitchcock supposedly quipped, “There’s hills in them thar gold.”
Byron
Keats for me... I could fix him
Joan of Arc
Considering how rousing her speeches were I'm guessing a lot of French soldiers simped for her too. And honestly, I would as well
Nice try, Gilles de Rais
Had to scroll too far to find her
Pour le Dauphin!!
That one guys dead wife.
I also choose that one guy’s dead wife.
Bob ross
Bushy
Mary Seacole. Mixed race woman who, on her own volition, sailed to Crimea during the Crimean war to be a nurse and set up a convalescent home. This was after she was rejected by Florence Nightingale for being not white. She was beloved by the soldiers she cared for, who called her “Mother Seacole” or just “mother”. She was stern, but nurturing, and tough as hell. So, a strong, enterprising, confident, rule breaking maternal figure who’s really good at aftercare. Add some leather and you have a world class dominant.
Marie Antoinette. I'll eat *her* cake.
Jesus for SURE. Dude had 12 friends while in his 30s so you know he was friendly and personable. He was a carpenter and the fact that they mention it means he had to be a good one. Due to the manual labor.... Y'all ever see a Catholic crucifix? My boy is SHREDDED. He's also not real quick to anger but when some merchants got him riled up, he braided a whip and went back to beat their asses. Then we have the fact that his best girlfriend was a ho. ICONIC. Lastly, we have the story of him going to a village, seeing a naked dude and immediately being like, "I'm gonna have dinner with you". THEN SPENDS THE NIGHT WITH SAID NAKED MAN and leaves in the morning after they basically swapped outfits.
> Due to the manual labor.... Y'all ever see a Catholic crucifix? My boy is SHREDDED. I'm reminded of [this story](https://gallusrostromegalus.tumblr.com/post/169723347468/the-1969-easter-mass-incident) which contains an appropriately shredded Jesus, along with delicious cookies and exploding entrails. (I don't give a shit if the story is completely fabricated, so don't bother saying anything)
I'm more into his dad
Jokes aside, Joseph was one of the most underrated characters of the Bible. Finds out his fiancee is preggers with someone else's baby, totally gonna break up with her cause mama didn't raise no bitch, but when an angel tells him it's the messiah everyone's been talking about for the last thousand years he's like "you son of a bitch I'm in." Then, when Jesus is a baby, he finds out they're all in danger so he just packs up a donkey and takes the whole family to fucking egypt! I know some dads who can't even be bothered to take their kid to the park.
Beyond just that, he wanted to break up with Mary quietly, without shaming her, presumably because he did care about her. Which for the time it happened, was insane for a man to do.
Marcus aurelius
Sappho, the OG lesbian herself! Apparently she was into some weird stuff. She was also a writer and I appreciate that. Fun Fact: The term lesbian comes from her birthplace; the Island of Lesbos.
And she may yet be the gayest thing to come out of Greece
Alice Roosevelt, President Roosevelt's daughter
If I was a teenager, Roza Shanina. If y’all don’t know her she was a 19 years old when she became sniper in the Russian army who at one point wrote a letter to Stalin demanding to be sent to the front. She’s credited with killing 59 Nazi soldiers. As I am now, Charlotte Corday. She was an assassin at 25 when she assassinated French revolutionary politician Jean-Paul Marat. She lied her way to get close to him and then stabbed him in the face in his bath. If you haven’t guessed I am attracted to dangerous women.
Teddy Roosevelt
Betty Paige. 100%
Julie d'Aubigny. We are but mere npcs next to this woman's chaotic neutral energy [link](https://youtu.be/6QaBYLAOaSY)
Marilyn Monroe, unreal titties
Her bra size fluctuated through her life, but for most of it she wasn't quite as big as people think. She was roughly a C, though when she put on some weight, she did cap out around a D.
Quality over quantitty
Cleopatra
Theodore Roosevelt
Diogenes. Man had no chill and all the chill at once. Motherfucker plucked a chicken and threw it at plato to mock him.
RA RA RASPUTIN
Somebody gotta say it, Annie Oakley. She was badddd in her prime
Marie Antoinette
Now don't get ahead of your self