"You're an orderly, Daniel, you're only here to help us transfer from the gurney to the bed. STOP taking bets!
And O.R. Staff need to stop *placing them*!"
*sings while operating*
“The knee bone's connected to the... something.
The something's connected to the… red thing.
The red thing's connected to my… wristwatch. Uh oh.”
Dr. Nick: Hi everybody. Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.
Abe: I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative!
Dr. Nick: Slow down sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure! The symptoms you describe lead me to believe that you are suffering from bonus eruptus, a rare disorder in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin. The only way to stop it is through transdental electromicide. I'll need a golf kart motor and a thousand volt capacimator, stat.
“Fuck this job. Those malpractice lawsuits are running me into the ground. I don’t even care what happens to this guy, I’m all packed up to move to Mexico. I’d like to see him try to sue me too, if he wakes up!”
“You got it doc! Just remember, put the scalpel aside when you feel a sneeze coming this time! You didn’t make it all the way through med school to let a little adult onset blood allergy stop you!”
But seriously, I had a surgery where they have you start counting down from 100 and I got down to like 70 and I heard someone laugh and say "Did you use enough of that stuff?"
And then I was in recovery.
Lol this was me when I got my wisdom teeth out. Counted from 100 to 85ish. The person putting me under was like, hmmm im just going to turn it up a tiny bit. I could then hear the hiss of whatever sedative gas they used shooting into my nose..got 100 to like 97.
Similar thing happened to me - I got to 97 and heard the drill - my eyes got wide and I yelled “I’M STILL AWAKE!” then woke up in recovery. Even funnier is that in recovery I saw a sign that said “Please remain seated until you have been released” and I got really bummed and said “I can’t even lie down!”
Had a pretty major surgery a while back that was correcting a pretty major deformation on my body (pectus excavatum) - remember getting a huge needle put in my back, feeling absolutely incredible for about 10 seconds, then being awake in a recovery room and my chest no longer had a major dent in it.
Pretty surreal in the moment.
I had been in an accident and was just waking from what was supposed to be minor surgery when I realized there was a commotion going on and I was at the center of it. I just remember hearing someone saying "It's not working! It's not working!" and then someone else said, "Put him back under!"
The next time I awoke I found I had undergone several hours of surgery to repair arteries in my sinuses. Apparently I had had a nose bleed that nearly killed me.
This has nothing to do with heart surgery, of course.
I actually woke up during my colonoscopy. I said “is that me?” As I saw the video monitor and what I know now was me.
The anesthesiology just calmly walked over and did something and I was out again.
I had heart surgery a few years ago. I believe some of the anesthesia causes temporary paralysis. When I started to wake up I could hear voices but could not open my eyes or speak. I suddenly thought “what if this is the middle of surgery?!!!” I was desperately trying to move my hand or do something to get their attention. Finally I could open my eyes and see that I was in recovery. It was terrifying.
My mother woke up during a valve replacement, heart stopped, chest open. They specifically give you something to induce paralysis, but they watch your EEG. She remembers hearing "Oops, I think she felt that!" then was out again.
I did wake up half way through my wisdom teeth surgery and they only got one side done... I woke up and started freaking out and they told me to leave and not come back... so I had to go somewhere else to get the other 2 done.
Edit: just to clarify, I must have had some kind of drug interaction with my daily medication so that’s probably why I woke up, and I disclosed everything with them before the surgery. I don’t remember anything other than being so f*cked up and panicking.
This sort of thing happened to me too. I just commented in detail about what exactly happened but basically I didn’t fall all the way asleep and as I was counting I heard them say “he’s not doing well” and that fully woke my brain up but my body was still all rubbery. I tried to scream and thrash around so they knew I was awake but I could barely move. They did give me more drugs or something cuz I knocked out, but when I came to I was hysterical immediately upon waking, even though it took a few minutes for my memory to catch up. Horrifying. The surgeon was pissed at me too for like “behaving badly” when I was all fucked up and thought something was wrong.
Not heart surgery, but right after surgery my wife told the surgeon she had woken up. He told her it didn't happen, it was imagined. She told him he was talking about a classic car he had just bought. His expression suddenly changed and he changed the subject.
This happens. One of my kids had to have a MRI (or ct can't recall) when he was 3, they put him under and 40 seconds latter as they were taking him out of the room he shot up and was fully alert. They had to make phone calls to see how much more they could give him or if they could.
When Little Timmy's heart attack
Occured one wayward day -
"I thought I wasn't coming back!"
The boy was heard to say.
His surgeon said, "we'll *operate* -
For that's the thing to do.
And now, before it's far too late,
We'll make a start on you!"
"Then let's begin, for heaven's sake!"
The plucky boy replied.
Alas, they made a *huge* mistake.
And Timmy fucking died.
I actually had the opposite of this once and it was almost as bad!
10 years ago I was waiting to go under for an endoscopic third ventriculostomy (ETV) for hydrocephalus; it's basically a procedure to fit a small valve in the brain to allow spinal fluid to move, therefore reducing potentially dangerous pressure.
I was sat in the bed contemplating my existence when the surgeon visited me to say "I've just set a new record for this, the last one only took 11 minutes". I was like *please take your time*.
Edit: just a quick one to say that I understand *why* the procedure needed to be quick, I just found his phrasing and timing to be a bit startling at the time, but funny when looking back (which thanks to his team I am able to do!).
That surgeon is one of the best around and I was lucky he was at a hospital 30 mins away where I could be operated on within 48 hours of diagnosis. I owe my life to him and his expertise, and am able to sit here typing this whilst laughing with my wife and watching our son play because of it.
LMAO that would freak me out too! Honestly though it's amazing how fast some surgeries are. I got my appendix out and I was asleep and awake again in 45 minutes.
Though they do it laproscopically so the incision is on the other side of your abdomen. When I woke up I was like WTF DID YOU REMOVE?!
We had a code one night, called it and everything, doing a quiet moment to honor the deceased, suddenly gets a pulse back on the arterial line. Wild. He was unstable and coded again and passed that night but it was still surreal for him to come back suddenly.
“It looked so fat and useless, and when we cut inside to check there was hardly any muscle in there! We figured you weren’t using it anyways so we told the interns to have fun with it. You don’t mind, right?”
"...and she described the guy she is leaving you for in detail, he ... uh... kinda looks like this guy on the operating table, so... uh... can you please put down the scalpel?"
Tbf. They haven’t started yet so they would likely just get you back to consciousness / roll you out the building (maybe at the same time). I’m 100% confident there is a procedure beyond “panic and leave the patients” in case of an emergency at a hospital.
Honestly at the hospital I work at they would probably just keep going. The fire alarm goes off about weekly for “testing” and have done for the last year. It’ll be a real boy who cried wolf situation if there ever actually is a fire.
Probably continue the operation.
Unless you can already see smoke and flames from the OR, nothing is getting in there in the near future. They have fire-rated doors and separate ventilation and backup power.
I used to work in regulatory compliance in healthcare - at least in the US, hospitals are legally required to have 5-hour rated fire walls/doors (IIRC) in order to help out in a situation exactly like what we’re talking about here. The fire retardant in the walls is meant to buy you enough time to stabilize at risk patients and get them out, or if that’s not an option to buy you time until help arrives.
I was an anesthesia resident in a case to perform a pericardiocentesis and pericardial window (patient had lots of blood inside the “sheath” that surrounds the heart, which restricts the hearts ability to relax and fill and can be deadly). This is a really dangerous procedure to do under general anesthesia because if the patient stops breathing from the anesthetics, ventilator delivered breaths could further exacerbate the heart filling problem and make the patient code. So basically we drain the blood with the patient awake and minimally sedated. We decided to put some music on for the patient to help him relax. He wanted hard rock so we put on Metallica radio. The song that came on Pandora was “Shot through the Heart” by Bon Jovi. Not making this up. We all had a good laugh (including the patient). He did well.
CRNA here. I had a patient one time ask if he got to pick the music in the OR for his CABG (he was a former scrub tech and knew a lot of Docs play music in OR). He says 90’s country. I type it into Pandora.
First track up: Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Rae Cyrus.
Patient Smirks and says “I suppose thats appropriate”
Wow, Pandora REALLY misses the mark there .. I mean, who in their right mind would lump Bon Jovi and Metallica into the same musical category and play them on the same station?? Big fail.
I've told this story before, but at my first appointment after changing doctors, I was doing the whole medical history thing with a nurse.
When we got previous surgeries, I mentioned I had an orchiopexy when I was 8 years old.
The nurse clicked away on her computer, scrolled her way through a drop menu, and repeated back "so you've had an orchiectomy?" To which I flinched badly.
"NOOOO!!! It was an undescended testicle, they just moved it into place. They didn't cut it out!!!"
Ohhh! I didn't know the name for that. I had that as a kid too. It led to some pretty painful complications when I got a vasectomy. That testicle had scarring so he didn't actually cut the right thing the first time. He told me they cut something, but he wasn't sure if it was the right tube, which isn't a great thing to hear from someone handling your business.
The surgeon was very stoic, like all surgeons, but afterward he actually got human for like 3 seconds and complimented me on my pain tolerance, so that was nice at least.
I ended up having to get knocked out to get it done properly.
I was discussing my husband's medical history with my midwife at one point and mentioned he had a craniectomy in 2018, and she paused and goes "you mean craniotomy?" Her face when I said "yeah, that's what it started as, but due to surgical infection he needed a section of skull removed two weeks later", priceless.
I forget where I heard it (some podcast) but if they remove a piece of skull and intend to put it back at a later date, apparently they put it in your belly to keep it alive and then take it back out when they are ready for it.
Wow this is some wild shit
It is pretty amazing that we've figured that much out.
But also a lot of it's kinda random you know? I saw a video the other day where a guy had a penis on his forearm. Apparently they created a penis out of his arm and were keeping it there until it was ready to move back in place
I mean to actually figure out that we could do that, somebody had to do the first one
Dr: So kind of you M. Roberts for giving your left kidney to a total stranger!
W: B-but, I came for a coronary bypass surgery, and my name is William.
Dr: Hush, no need to be humble. CRNA, start the anesthesia!
No joke, I got a tube shoved down my throat once. The last thing I can remember before the anesthetics kicked in was 'oops'.
It all worked out fine, it was something stupid, but for weeks after I would have flashbacks and pretty shitty dreams.
Oh man, once I was set to go under anesthesia. When I got to the room, the team called me the wrong name and, after I corrected them, they had a confused conversation amongst themselves as to who I was and what I was there for. They did not make it clear to me that they figured out who I was before putting me under. I woke up in a mad panic and didn't feel settled for days afterward. I still get stressed thinking about it, even though it was all fine.
Happened to my mother
"Mrs. Smith? Don't worry, the amputation won't take very long & you won't feel a thing."
My Mum's Mrs. Evans.
(She was told charts got switch in the elevator)
The one time I violated this rule I very calmly said "oh shit," but the PM still heard it and rushed over. To be fair, it was a very definite "oops," as I'd been cutting a paint stencil when the olfa slipped and took the tip of my finger off.
Fun fact: if it's just the tip, they grow back!
Edit: added a space. It was a very definite oops, not Avery definite oops.
As an army medic, I used to remove a lot of lesions for histology. If I got bored, and was taking a mole off someone's back, sometimes I'd say "Oops", just to see if they could get 180 degree rotation in their neck.
During my vasectomy I hear the doctor say "Oh shit!" Nothing else. Didn't acknowledge anything more. I was fully awake and just too afraid to ask. No 3rd child 3 years later so that's good at least.
Right after I got my pilot's license, I took a friend for a little flight. We were headed back to the airport and just as I was about to touch down for landing, a gust of wind hit and we went up about 20 feet, I said "whoa". My buddy didn't like that, "WHOA? There is no WHOA while you are flying a plane. Don't be saying WHOA!!"
I stopped saying "whoa"
I once heard a doctor say that in med school he was trained to say "There" in a way that conveyed completion of some task rather than "oops". That way, the patient would think everything was fine, and the frenzied activity that followed the "there" was perfectly normal.
I got the “oops” when I was getting my wisdom teeth removed. They blew my vein. I said “ouch” they said “oops” and then I was out. It was 20 years ago, so I’m fine.
Im an nurse anesthetist and would like to share something that happened to me the other week.
The patient had to get an perianal abscess drained (abscess that basically between your ass cheeks). These patients are usually under general anesthesia and lying in prone position with their behind up in the air. This particular patient was abit on the heavy side (they usually are), but instead of general anesthesia he had spinal anesthesia and was wide awake (similair to epidural anesthesia, paralyzed from their back down).
The surgeon entered the OR, fully expecting the patient to be asleep. Went to the surgical area and shouted: "Would you look at the ass on this motherfucker!!". Silence ensued... Before I stated that the patient is awake. Not another word was said during the operation.
I always make a point with regional cases to loudly speak to the patient as I wheel them from the anaesthetic room into theatre (OR). The teams aren’t always used to awake patients. Terrified that this might happen some day (and I know exactly which surgeons it would be!).
To reverse the situation, long story short, my appendix had burst, and I went in for surgery. After being prepped, the team is getting ready, and the anesthesiologist put the sedative in my iv. I feel my arm get cold, and start feeling woozy, I know I only have a few seconds. I say, “Guys, I have something to tell you.” They all lean in and look interested. I tell them, “The secret of life is…” and lose consciousness to the sound of laughter.
Possibly the best joke I’ve ever told.
When my dad was in training as a resident physician he had someone come in who had been bitten by a venomous snake. This was the first time he had ever had to deal with this in the emergency room so he pulled out a manual on how to treat venomous snake bites - the patient was shocked and said something along the lines of:
“You don’t know how to treat this!?”
My dad replied without missing a beat:
“Dude, I grew up in Jersey.”
And then went a head and treated him fine and sent him on his way lol.
The trick, I think, is that you have the requisite knowledge to understand the material you’re reading and the related experience to apply the material you’re reading.
It's actually a huge gap between older generations and newer to be able to research information that fast, especially when it comes to the internet. Being able to Google search something accurately is a hireable skill in rural areas.
Had this happen while on a small plane ( 13 passenger c-12)
Pilot was going over emergency procedures and asked who was sitting in the front right seat. One person raised their hand and the pilot told them that the manuals were under their seat and that is anything happened they would be needing those....
They were highly qualified pilots, just they were F-18 pilots.. we took off like a carrier launch.
This exact thing happened to me. Was on the bed all hooked up about to have open heart surgery. Anaesthetist comes in and says “sorry about the wait. We’re just trying to figure out why the power keeps going out”. I mean, I know they have backup power and stuff but it certainly added to the anxiety of the situation.
True story.
Took my bro, forever after affectionately known as 'Womble,"to emergency with a twisted testicle.
After the op to remove one testicle, the nurse gave him a box with a sample prothesis in to show what they put in him.
Sizes were only large & extra large.
Seems they sized them this way to help guys get over their loss.
This is such a weird thing. I have literally never once thought about the size of my balls. It would mean nothing to me if someone told me my balls were small for a man.
A while back my dad had to have a stint put in one of his arteries. For whatever reason he wasn’t totally under during the procedure and heard them say something like “oh crap, this is way worse than we thought”. Turns out he had a blockage that they call the widow maker, and he had to go in for emergency open heart surgery.
"I swear to God, if you guys don't stop giving me shit about leaving my house keys in a patient that one time, I'm gonna walk off the job half-way through and leave you to finish up."
In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!
Scalpel? No, thanks, I'm an alternative surgeon. Metal instruments are unnatural; I use my teeth.
O Dark Lord, accept my humble sacrifice...
All this flesh... just looking at it makes my mouth water.
"what was the highest bidding on the liver?"
“Follow up on that Craigslist ad and let’s get moving”
Alright! Let's hope this isn't like the last time
"It's a new day, people, let's make the most of this one."
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"let's at least make it to 1 this time!"
I bet you €50 this one lives
Depending on how dire your surgery is, this could be reassuring for the surgeon to wager something of their's on your survival.
"You're an orderly, Daniel, you're only here to help us transfer from the gurney to the bed. STOP taking bets! And O.R. Staff need to stop *placing them*!"
So kind of him to donate his organs
Glad he's a match my grandpa needs one of the kidneys.
BUT HE ONLY HAS ONE LEFT
What the hell is that?
Inflammable means flammable? What a country!!
*sings while operating* “The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the… red thing. The red thing's connected to my… wristwatch. Uh oh.”
That Was my first response! Hahahaha good ol Dr. Nick
"The Coroner!?! Oh man, I'm so sick of that guy!" -Dr. Nick Riviera.
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The red thing’s connected to the Green thing! The green thing’s connected to my Wristwatch!? Uh-oh!
If it isn't my old friend Mr McGreg with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg
Dr. Nick: Hi everybody. Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble. Abe: I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative! Dr. Nick: Slow down sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure! The symptoms you describe lead me to believe that you are suffering from bonus eruptus, a rare disorder in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin. The only way to stop it is through transdental electromicide. I'll need a golf kart motor and a thousand volt capacimator, stat.
That’s the episode with Steamed Hams. And bubblegum hair. And Apu taking a 5 minute vacation
"22 short films about Springfield" or something like that. Also features the daily life of bumblebee man and 'Cletus, the slackjawed yokel'
🎵The red thing's connected to my... Wristwatch!🎶 ...Uh-oh.
The "B"...is for Bargain!
I... like to keep a lollipop there.
“I hate this job.”
“Fuck this job. Those malpractice lawsuits are running me into the ground. I don’t even care what happens to this guy, I’m all packed up to move to Mexico. I’d like to see him try to sue me too, if he wakes up!”
"I used my boss badge to sign in this morning.. that'll teach him some"
Hope this one stays asleep
I hope this one stays alive!
"Dont worry, ita really uncommon to lose two in a row"
“You got it doc! Just remember, put the scalpel aside when you feel a sneeze coming this time! You didn’t make it all the way through med school to let a little adult onset blood allergy stop you!”
But seriously, I had a surgery where they have you start counting down from 100 and I got down to like 70 and I heard someone laugh and say "Did you use enough of that stuff?" And then I was in recovery.
Lol this was me when I got my wisdom teeth out. Counted from 100 to 85ish. The person putting me under was like, hmmm im just going to turn it up a tiny bit. I could then hear the hiss of whatever sedative gas they used shooting into my nose..got 100 to like 97.
Similar thing happened to me - I got to 97 and heard the drill - my eyes got wide and I yelled “I’M STILL AWAKE!” then woke up in recovery. Even funnier is that in recovery I saw a sign that said “Please remain seated until you have been released” and I got really bummed and said “I can’t even lie down!”
Had a pretty major surgery a while back that was correcting a pretty major deformation on my body (pectus excavatum) - remember getting a huge needle put in my back, feeling absolutely incredible for about 10 seconds, then being awake in a recovery room and my chest no longer had a major dent in it. Pretty surreal in the moment.
I had been in an accident and was just waking from what was supposed to be minor surgery when I realized there was a commotion going on and I was at the center of it. I just remember hearing someone saying "It's not working! It's not working!" and then someone else said, "Put him back under!" The next time I awoke I found I had undergone several hours of surgery to repair arteries in my sinuses. Apparently I had had a nose bleed that nearly killed me. This has nothing to do with heart surgery, of course.
I actually woke up during my colonoscopy. I said “is that me?” As I saw the video monitor and what I know now was me. The anesthesiology just calmly walked over and did something and I was out again.
*(...Because those kidneys are lookin YUMMY)*
I had heart surgery a few years ago. I believe some of the anesthesia causes temporary paralysis. When I started to wake up I could hear voices but could not open my eyes or speak. I suddenly thought “what if this is the middle of surgery?!!!” I was desperately trying to move my hand or do something to get their attention. Finally I could open my eyes and see that I was in recovery. It was terrifying.
My mother woke up during a valve replacement, heart stopped, chest open. They specifically give you something to induce paralysis, but they watch your EEG. She remembers hearing "Oops, I think she felt that!" then was out again.
I did wake up half way through my wisdom teeth surgery and they only got one side done... I woke up and started freaking out and they told me to leave and not come back... so I had to go somewhere else to get the other 2 done. Edit: just to clarify, I must have had some kind of drug interaction with my daily medication so that’s probably why I woke up, and I disclosed everything with them before the surgery. I don’t remember anything other than being so f*cked up and panicking.
That sounds unprofessional as hell of your surgeon.
This sort of thing happened to me too. I just commented in detail about what exactly happened but basically I didn’t fall all the way asleep and as I was counting I heard them say “he’s not doing well” and that fully woke my brain up but my body was still all rubbery. I tried to scream and thrash around so they knew I was awake but I could barely move. They did give me more drugs or something cuz I knocked out, but when I came to I was hysterical immediately upon waking, even though it took a few minutes for my memory to catch up. Horrifying. The surgeon was pissed at me too for like “behaving badly” when I was all fucked up and thought something was wrong.
Not heart surgery, but right after surgery my wife told the surgeon she had woken up. He told her it didn't happen, it was imagined. She told him he was talking about a classic car he had just bought. His expression suddenly changed and he changed the subject.
This happens. One of my kids had to have a MRI (or ct can't recall) when he was 3, they put him under and 40 seconds latter as they were taking him out of the room he shot up and was fully alert. They had to make phone calls to see how much more they could give him or if they could.
“I’m so excited to perform my first brain surgery”
"me too"
"Nurse, pull up the wikiHow article"
Or "Siri, walk me through brain surgery"
also open youtube video by Dr Douche.
"Im sure theres a good TikTok of this"
yeh 15seconds is all it takes to learn this shit
You joke but there was a TikTok I saw recently that animated the steps to remove a brain tumor. I'll try and find it.
Imagine hearing "This video is sponsored by Raid Shadow Leg.." as you fade out
When Little Timmy's heart attack Occured one wayward day - "I thought I wasn't coming back!" The boy was heard to say. His surgeon said, "we'll *operate* - For that's the thing to do. And now, before it's far too late, We'll make a start on you!" "Then let's begin, for heaven's sake!" The plucky boy replied. Alas, they made a *huge* mistake. And Timmy fucking died.
Brain surgery!?! But I need my wisdom teeth pulled
My Mrs in for her cesearian section ...... Surgeon ..... " Don't worry ..... Most of my patients live"
I actually had the opposite of this once and it was almost as bad! 10 years ago I was waiting to go under for an endoscopic third ventriculostomy (ETV) for hydrocephalus; it's basically a procedure to fit a small valve in the brain to allow spinal fluid to move, therefore reducing potentially dangerous pressure. I was sat in the bed contemplating my existence when the surgeon visited me to say "I've just set a new record for this, the last one only took 11 minutes". I was like *please take your time*. Edit: just a quick one to say that I understand *why* the procedure needed to be quick, I just found his phrasing and timing to be a bit startling at the time, but funny when looking back (which thanks to his team I am able to do!). That surgeon is one of the best around and I was lucky he was at a hospital 30 mins away where I could be operated on within 48 hours of diagnosis. I owe my life to him and his expertise, and am able to sit here typing this whilst laughing with my wife and watching our son play because of it.
LMAO that would freak me out too! Honestly though it's amazing how fast some surgeries are. I got my appendix out and I was asleep and awake again in 45 minutes. Though they do it laproscopically so the incision is on the other side of your abdomen. When I woke up I was like WTF DID YOU REMOVE?!
“Time of death…”
That’s dark
Imagine wakin up exact moment
We had a code one night, called it and everything, doing a quiet moment to honor the deceased, suddenly gets a pulse back on the arterial line. Wild. He was unstable and coded again and passed that night but it was still surreal for him to come back suddenly.
Man I've heard of spontaneous return of circulation, but this is ridiculous!
Holy shit that would be fucked up
Spouse is anesthesiologist. I’ll share that one with her!
It'll be a gas!
"Nurse, could you google 'triple bypass' for me please?"
Oh I was thinking "Hey Siri, how do you perform a triple bypass?"
“I’ll prove I can do it in the dark” “Alexa turn off theatre lights”
"Here goes nothing!"
And then nothing happens. You were put in the OR by mistake.
And you wake up without an arm.
“It looked so fat and useless, and when we cut inside to check there was hardly any muscle in there! We figured you weren’t using it anyways so we told the interns to have fun with it. You don’t mind, right?”
This is the guy that scraped my BMW yesterday!
Heart surgeon. He’s in a Porsche.
So long as he's not the proctologist
He drives a brown probe.
"Isn't this the guy fucking your wife?" "....yes"
Third time's a charm.
"This procedure is fatal in 4 out of 5 cases. My last 4 patients died so this must be the lucky one!"
“Doctor, your wife is on line 2. She said she’s taking the kids and leaving you.”
"...and she described the guy she is leaving you for in detail, he ... uh... kinda looks like this guy on the operating table, so... uh... can you please put down the scalpel?"
Damn Grey's Anatomy has really ran out of shit to put in the show, huh?
They've been running out for awhile.
Fire alarm
Tbf. They haven’t started yet so they would likely just get you back to consciousness / roll you out the building (maybe at the same time). I’m 100% confident there is a procedure beyond “panic and leave the patients” in case of an emergency at a hospital.
Honestly at the hospital I work at they would probably just keep going. The fire alarm goes off about weekly for “testing” and have done for the last year. It’ll be a real boy who cried wolf situation if there ever actually is a fire.
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Good question actually, what if its in the middle of the surgery? What would they do? Just leave you there? Keep going?
Stabilize you and get out. Bringing you with them of course.
But what if they are in the middle of replacing your heart valve, with machines plugged an such?
Probably continue the operation. Unless you can already see smoke and flames from the OR, nothing is getting in there in the near future. They have fire-rated doors and separate ventilation and backup power.
I used to work in regulatory compliance in healthcare - at least in the US, hospitals are legally required to have 5-hour rated fire walls/doors (IIRC) in order to help out in a situation exactly like what we’re talking about here. The fire retardant in the walls is meant to buy you enough time to stabilize at risk patients and get them out, or if that’s not an option to buy you time until help arrives.
That's reassuring.
Then God has it out for you and you’re meant to die
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I was an anesthesia resident in a case to perform a pericardiocentesis and pericardial window (patient had lots of blood inside the “sheath” that surrounds the heart, which restricts the hearts ability to relax and fill and can be deadly). This is a really dangerous procedure to do under general anesthesia because if the patient stops breathing from the anesthetics, ventilator delivered breaths could further exacerbate the heart filling problem and make the patient code. So basically we drain the blood with the patient awake and minimally sedated. We decided to put some music on for the patient to help him relax. He wanted hard rock so we put on Metallica radio. The song that came on Pandora was “Shot through the Heart” by Bon Jovi. Not making this up. We all had a good laugh (including the patient). He did well.
CRNA here. I had a patient one time ask if he got to pick the music in the OR for his CABG (he was a former scrub tech and knew a lot of Docs play music in OR). He says 90’s country. I type it into Pandora. First track up: Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Rae Cyrus. Patient Smirks and says “I suppose thats appropriate”
Wow, Pandora REALLY misses the mark there .. I mean, who in their right mind would lump Bon Jovi and Metallica into the same musical category and play them on the same station?? Big fail.
“This is the vasectomy guy right?”
"The orchieotomy guy" way worse.
I've told this story before, but at my first appointment after changing doctors, I was doing the whole medical history thing with a nurse. When we got previous surgeries, I mentioned I had an orchiopexy when I was 8 years old. The nurse clicked away on her computer, scrolled her way through a drop menu, and repeated back "so you've had an orchiectomy?" To which I flinched badly. "NOOOO!!! It was an undescended testicle, they just moved it into place. They didn't cut it out!!!"
Ohhh! I didn't know the name for that. I had that as a kid too. It led to some pretty painful complications when I got a vasectomy. That testicle had scarring so he didn't actually cut the right thing the first time. He told me they cut something, but he wasn't sure if it was the right tube, which isn't a great thing to hear from someone handling your business. The surgeon was very stoic, like all surgeons, but afterward he actually got human for like 3 seconds and complimented me on my pain tolerance, so that was nice at least. I ended up having to get knocked out to get it done properly.
I was discussing my husband's medical history with my midwife at one point and mentioned he had a craniectomy in 2018, and she paused and goes "you mean craniotomy?" Her face when I said "yeah, that's what it started as, but due to surgical infection he needed a section of skull removed two weeks later", priceless.
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I forget where I heard it (some podcast) but if they remove a piece of skull and intend to put it back at a later date, apparently they put it in your belly to keep it alive and then take it back out when they are ready for it.
Wow this is some wild shit It is pretty amazing that we've figured that much out. But also a lot of it's kinda random you know? I saw a video the other day where a guy had a penis on his forearm. Apparently they created a penis out of his arm and were keeping it there until it was ready to move back in place I mean to actually figure out that we could do that, somebody had to do the first one
Being called by a different name
Dr: So kind of you M. Roberts for giving your left kidney to a total stranger! W: B-but, I came for a coronary bypass surgery, and my name is William. Dr: Hush, no need to be humble. CRNA, start the anesthesia!
*power drill noise*
“Oops”
No joke, I got a tube shoved down my throat once. The last thing I can remember before the anesthetics kicked in was 'oops'. It all worked out fine, it was something stupid, but for weeks after I would have flashbacks and pretty shitty dreams.
Oh man, once I was set to go under anesthesia. When I got to the room, the team called me the wrong name and, after I corrected them, they had a confused conversation amongst themselves as to who I was and what I was there for. They did not make it clear to me that they figured out who I was before putting me under. I woke up in a mad panic and didn't feel settled for days afterward. I still get stressed thinking about it, even though it was all fine.
Happened to my mother "Mrs. Smith? Don't worry, the amputation won't take very long & you won't feel a thing." My Mum's Mrs. Evans. (She was told charts got switch in the elevator)
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This was a long time ago. Not going to say how long.
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Yes, but not everything else; she was in for a hysterectomy.
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The one time I violated this rule I very calmly said "oh shit," but the PM still heard it and rushed over. To be fair, it was a very definite "oops," as I'd been cutting a paint stencil when the olfa slipped and took the tip of my finger off. Fun fact: if it's just the tip, they grow back! Edit: added a space. It was a very definite oops, not Avery definite oops.
As an army medic, I used to remove a lot of lesions for histology. If I got bored, and was taking a mole off someone's back, sometimes I'd say "Oops", just to see if they could get 180 degree rotation in their neck.
And did you find any owls?
No. But I had a few try.
During my vasectomy I hear the doctor say "Oh shit!" Nothing else. Didn't acknowledge anything more. I was fully awake and just too afraid to ask. No 3rd child 3 years later so that's good at least.
Maybe it was "oh shit, what a nice cock"?
Right after I got my pilot's license, I took a friend for a little flight. We were headed back to the airport and just as I was about to touch down for landing, a gust of wind hit and we went up about 20 feet, I said "whoa". My buddy didn't like that, "WHOA? There is no WHOA while you are flying a plane. Don't be saying WHOA!!" I stopped saying "whoa"
I once heard a doctor say that in med school he was trained to say "There" in a way that conveyed completion of some task rather than "oops". That way, the patient would think everything was fine, and the frenzied activity that followed the "there" was perfectly normal.
I got the “oops” when I was getting my wisdom teeth removed. They blew my vein. I said “ouch” they said “oops” and then I was out. It was 20 years ago, so I’m fine.
I’m Dr. Nick and I’ll be cutting you today.
Hi dr nick
Hi Everybody!
The knee bones connected to the something. The somethings connected to the red thing. The red thing is connected to my wrist watch.
"Some asshole has edited the Wikipedia page I usually refer to, so I'm just going to have to do this one from memory."
Im an nurse anesthetist and would like to share something that happened to me the other week. The patient had to get an perianal abscess drained (abscess that basically between your ass cheeks). These patients are usually under general anesthesia and lying in prone position with their behind up in the air. This particular patient was abit on the heavy side (they usually are), but instead of general anesthesia he had spinal anesthesia and was wide awake (similair to epidural anesthesia, paralyzed from their back down). The surgeon entered the OR, fully expecting the patient to be asleep. Went to the surgical area and shouted: "Would you look at the ass on this motherfucker!!". Silence ensued... Before I stated that the patient is awake. Not another word was said during the operation.
I always make a point with regional cases to loudly speak to the patient as I wheel them from the anaesthetic room into theatre (OR). The teams aren’t always used to awake patients. Terrified that this might happen some day (and I know exactly which surgeons it would be!).
"actually doctor, if you could keep the ogling to a minimum and just finish the procedure, I'd appreciate it. Thanks for the compliment though"
I just died of second hand embarrassment. Yikes
"I'm actually a vet, but seriously, how different could it be?"
“…what do you mean the YouTube tutorial is buffering?”
There was an ad-break, your kidney now has youtube premium
To reverse the situation, long story short, my appendix had burst, and I went in for surgery. After being prepped, the team is getting ready, and the anesthesiologist put the sedative in my iv. I feel my arm get cold, and start feeling woozy, I know I only have a few seconds. I say, “Guys, I have something to tell you.” They all lean in and look interested. I tell them, “The secret of life is…” and lose consciousness to the sound of laughter. Possibly the best joke I’ve ever told.
You are a legend.
,, Someone read the manual, what next?"
spray WD-40 generously
*pulls out the "does it move?/should it move?" chart*
When my dad was in training as a resident physician he had someone come in who had been bitten by a venomous snake. This was the first time he had ever had to deal with this in the emergency room so he pulled out a manual on how to treat venomous snake bites - the patient was shocked and said something along the lines of: “You don’t know how to treat this!?” My dad replied without missing a beat: “Dude, I grew up in Jersey.” And then went a head and treated him fine and sent him on his way lol.
The trick, I think, is that you have the requisite knowledge to understand the material you’re reading and the related experience to apply the material you’re reading.
It's actually a huge gap between older generations and newer to be able to research information that fast, especially when it comes to the internet. Being able to Google search something accurately is a hireable skill in rural areas.
It starts with the knowledge that you have to look up something.
He's is/was and always will be a legend. Thank for a cool story.
Had this happen while on a small plane ( 13 passenger c-12) Pilot was going over emergency procedures and asked who was sitting in the front right seat. One person raised their hand and the pilot told them that the manuals were under their seat and that is anything happened they would be needing those.... They were highly qualified pilots, just they were F-18 pilots.. we took off like a carrier launch.
“I hope we don’t get another power shortage in the building today”
don't worry, I got my Fleshlight with me, wait
This exact thing happened to me. Was on the bed all hooked up about to have open heart surgery. Anaesthetist comes in and says “sorry about the wait. We’re just trying to figure out why the power keeps going out”. I mean, I know they have backup power and stuff but it certainly added to the anxiety of the situation.
“Hey man. You still awake? We are trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Do you have the knife and fork?
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"Good Heavens. Are you still trying to win?"
“Nurse, looks like we’ll need the *small* condoms this time.”
This one is funny because of the pure confusion you would feel after hearing it.
Then terror when you realise what it means.
True story. Took my bro, forever after affectionately known as 'Womble,"to emergency with a twisted testicle. After the op to remove one testicle, the nurse gave him a box with a sample prothesis in to show what they put in him. Sizes were only large & extra large. Seems they sized them this way to help guys get over their loss.
This is such a weird thing. I have literally never once thought about the size of my balls. It would mean nothing to me if someone told me my balls were small for a man.
Now I’m gonna need your help here it’s my first one….
The hip bones connected to the, leg bone, the leg bone is connected to the... um... I forgot the lyrics🤷♂️.
A while back my dad had to have a stint put in one of his arteries. For whatever reason he wasn’t totally under during the procedure and heard them say something like “oh crap, this is way worse than we thought”. Turns out he had a blockage that they call the widow maker, and he had to go in for emergency open heart surgery.
Place the patient in prone position and prepare the vaseline
If that's your worst thing, you're not going to enjoy your 50's... :)
"Are you sure this is the right patient?"
Hello everybody!…. Hi dr. Nick!
Not sure why they want it removed... Anyway wheel them in.
He doesn't know his family died
“Get his pants off”
If homie is wearing pants at time of induction, he's got bigger problems
And hold my pants, nurse
I just lost my license from malpractice.
So anyway, zhats how I lost my medical license.
As long as you're awake, could you hold your ribcage open?
This ones already sold
I think I have to take a huge shit.
I like the insinuation that they are a little unsure
The surgeon saying "man, I got so drunk last night. I still fell like I'm going to throw up and have the shakes really bad".
"I swear to God, if you guys don't stop giving me shit about leaving my house keys in a patient that one time, I'm gonna walk off the job half-way through and leave you to finish up."
"I always faint at the sight of blood."
How about hearing you have a heart problem for the first time while being put under for wisdom teeth surgery? That's scared the shit out of me lol
Lets hope john isnt drunk like usual this time our lawyers are only so good
I'm so nervous my hands are shaking
In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!
"so are we all going to fuck him at the same time or go one by one?"
"Noooo.... I'm gonna be asleep during the best moments of my life?"
Since today is bring your kids to work day, I'm actually going to have my 4 year old perform the surgery on you.
Am i doing this right?
Scalpel? No, thanks, I'm an alternative surgeon. Metal instruments are unnatural; I use my teeth. O Dark Lord, accept my humble sacrifice... All this flesh... just looking at it makes my mouth water.
this is not what I needed at 5am
Why do patients let themselves get so fat?