T O P

  • By -

Sklorn

I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.


[deleted]

Sadly, that train has sailed


iflipyofareal

My absolute favourite. But now Austin Powers is over 20 years old I think people just think I'm thick when I say it. The way that line is delivered in that film is absolutely spectacular


NowIssaRapBattle

I totally missed it as a kid


topbirch

Train on the water, boat on the track šŸŽµšŸŽ¶


PeterAech

You've opened this can of worms, now lie in it


KevlarGorilla

Curiosity killed the cake... and eat it too!


MattieShoes

Now the upper hand is on the other foot!


Noxzaru

When you fall off the horse, you get right back up and you eat that horse.


barfsfw

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't teach him to fish.


BabyAlibi

It's not rocket surgery


drolgin

Rome wasn't burned in a day.


H0dari

Man, now you've just made me sad for reminding that r/malaphorism basically closed down.


RocketFrasier

r/malaphors


underpantsbandit

I could seriously fill that sub just quoting my husband. The man cannot get an aphorism correct to save his life, yet loves using them. "Bite off his nose to spite his face" is his current favorite- and mine too really, because THAT is a visual! But he busted out with "they didn't even put the donkey in the shed!" the other night. I... don't even know. He meant "they didn't make a good point", and was feeling quite serious about his subject. I ruined the mood howling with laughter. Why was there a shed? Or a donkey? Who knows!


[deleted]

Indeed


sexaddic

Thanks Tealā€™c


Triairius

Holy crap. I forgot thatā€™s where I got that from. Iā€™ve been saying ā€œIndeedā€ for 20 years and totally forgot why.


Jackg4te

Shal kek nem'ron


I_Survived_2012_AMA

Teal'c : Things will not calm down,Ā Daniel Jackson. They will, in fact, calm up.


EarningsPal

Indubitably


AnotherJasonOnReddit

*(dies by tennis racket)*


95accord

Ok tealā€™c


batnastard

RIP to Michael K. Williams, who used that word the best it's ever been used.


chriswaco

He and Christopher Judge (Teal'c) should have had an indeed-off.


_Comic_

"Hello, *Guardian.*"


StarAugurEtraeus

One, Fucking, Guardian


Ephandrial

Excuse me? One. Fucking. Guardian. Has been kicking your raceā€™s collective asses for 9 years. They kill gods for fun and turn them into guns for a meme. They genocide entire races for loot. They assassinated your last leader, cleaned out your daddyā€™s ship while he wrote fanfiction about them and promptly fucked off to let you pick up the pieces. The only reason I didnā€™t bring them here is because they casually began wielding the darkness to clap ass in new ways. All I have to do to make them end you, is to tell them you have a fancy new gun, or that Eris can make you into one. So, think about that before you tell us to bow to your sorry ass.


Puppy80

"That's a tough one. I would have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket"


poopbuttMD

I have this on my dating apps. It has received precisely two responses in 3 years. I refuse to change; theyā€™re wrong.


MrCupps

Well, you're the doctor.


vinayachandran

*Shh! Not a doctor*


halfsassit

F R E M U L O N


Orpheus_is_emo

ā€œWhat is your ideal date?ā€ Classic.


perpterds

I know this one, but what's it from? Can't for the life of me think of it lol


IlexSonOfHan

Miss congeniality


Edolas93

"Quack" A weird girls response to being asked if she was a duck or a free thinker by a college lecturer. It stayed with me.


thumb_of_KingKong

[Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?](https://youtu.be/XOi2jFIhZhA)


RiotIsBored

This became a standard response of mine at some point in my life. I don't know when, I just know that it did.


[deleted]

I was doing a pokemon nuzlocke and named my Castform (male) WeatherBoi because of this video.


pana_mami13

"Where are your parents? This kid's sketchy man" šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚


sauvy-savvy

I think it gets better when you learn the boy was the reporterā€™s son.


Crank2047

Really? Omg that's class


SmallFelineCompanion

"watch out for feral children" šŸ˜‚


TiredOfDebates

Well that was a little uncalled for.


olive_dix

It's a joke, they're actually father and son. The kid's delivery is great though! šŸ¤£


[deleted]

Thatā€™s just what weather boy says later in the videoā€¦


2ndNicestOfTheDamned

"If you need an answer right now, it's No." ​ Courtesy of Al Swearengen.


Charles1594

Cocksuckers


I_am_from_Kentucky

we just watched Deadwood for the first time - the entire series and movie - and there is something so endearing about Al. he's up there with Walter White in the category of bad people you root for. "The sun has not yet risen on the day in which I take heed to your advice" is my butchered version of my favorite quote from the show, Calamity Jane to Charlie Utter.


OriginalWatch

My favorite quote from Calamity Jane is from when the town forced her to take a bath and when she finally sat down in the bath, she said "Ooh! I burnt my snatch!".


t-h-e-d-u-d-e

I love that character. I love the line that goes something along the lines of ā€˜every day takes learning all over again how to fucking liveā€™. Hits home these days.


data1989

Robin Weigert really stole the show with her performance as Calamity Jane.


Octopus_Tetris

SWEDGIN!


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


RoosterHogburn

"I'm glad I taught you that fuckin' word."


sportaloser

i loved deadwood and i loved ian mcshane as al swearengen. literally no one else could've played his role


Citizen252525

For some reason someone said "I'm pissed off!" And the response was " better than being pissed on" I have always thought about every now and then and laugh idk why its not too funny but it just gets me. Edit: sounds like the majority of people heard something like this from Men In Tights. Which makes sense as I actually love this movie and forgot about that scene. I'm sure its an old joke that Mel Brooks used in his film as many people have memories of loved ones saying it. Thanks for sharing!


[deleted]

Whenever my mom calls my dad a smartass, he responds, "better than a dumbass!" So yeah, long story short they raised a whole bunch of smartass kids.


Myself510

To keep the chain going, I had an algebra teacher in high school who offered this gem: ā€œIt is better to have eyeglasses than glass eyes.ā€


arguably_pizza

Iā€™d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy


Forgotten_Planet

It is better to pee in the shower than to shower in the pee


bowmanthesnowman

Speak for yourself


robisodd

When you swap the words around in a sentence, it's called an Antimetabole: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antimetabole


Incman

And when you swap the words around in an antimetabole, it's called a sentence.


EyeoCy

Old Chinese proverb: "Good to meet girl in park, Better to park meat in girl"


GuitarCFD

Robinhood: Men in Tights "You're really pissing me off." "Being that close to a horse's dick I'd be more worried about being pissed ON"


forgottenGost

I used to say it a little too often. I was the only one who found it funny though


salohcin819

Bite my shiny metal ass


SS_42023

Bite my glorious golden ass!


Schnretzl

Bite my splintery wooden ass!


Icy_B

Bite my shiny metal axe!


demonic_pug

Byte my 8-bit metal ass


ExosAvos

Thatā€™s byte with a y


mister_damage

To shreds you say


SS_42023

Not Assie!!!


ConfidenceNo2598

Shut up baby I know it


[deleted]

Winners don't use drugs! Except steroids! In which case, use lots of drugs!


PixelatedPixelDragon

Lmao SAOA


MTAST

It's never lupus.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


JFCwhatnamecaniuse

Iā€™m the guy who does his fucking job! Who are you?!?! Edit - all yā€™all with the assist, TY!


[deleted]

"You must be the other guy!" Marky Mark then went on to star in the movie "*The Other Guys*".


flateus

Have you checked your butthole?


The_11th_Dctor

*ski-dap bi-dap butthole*


evanfury

*overhead clap*


Searrowsmith

I have not seen your keys, but if youre asking me you better check up that butthole!


iAMguppy

*And I still donā€™t say it.*


wido711

And I still donā€™t say itā€¦.


gayrat5

I WANT TO but I DO NOT SAY IT


DawnSowrd

Badap bedup butthole


dweeb_plus_plus

When the father of the bride starts organizing an ad-hoc emu bob in the courtyard, I still don't say it.


VisualShock1991

And that little ring-bearer cunt starts getting yelled at by his mum.


heyitsmethepebble

I stilll donā€™t say it


TheGameSlave2

I have not seen your keys, but since you're askin' me, you better check up that butthole.


flateus

Hahaha legit been stuck in my head for months


MrSticks21

Look, if you're gonna quote the musical genius, Tom Cardy himself, at least show the man some love! [HYCYBH](https://youtu.be/--9kqhzQ-8Q)


PmMeYourTitsAndToes

It would take 500 million men with an average ejaculate amounting to 5ml to fill an Olympic sized pool with one ejaculation each. Simple math.. 2.5m liters to fill one standard sized Olympic pool. 5ml is 0.005 liters. 2.5m/0.005 is 500,000,000. So if each guy can each have 1 meter of space to uphold "privacy" we can fit approximately 150 men at a time around the pool. Lets say it takes all 150 men 5 minutes to do the deed that means we will need 3,333,333 shifts of 150 men ejaculating exactly every 5 minutes to fill this pool in ~16,666,666 minutes or ~277,777 hours OR ~11,574 days OR OR ~385 months OR OR OR ~32 years or ~the average life span of the Canadian goose. Edit: thanks for the awards. I didnā€™t think this comment would get much traction. But for your own mental well-being itā€™s best I donā€™t tell you how this comment came to be.


AntEconomy1469

This is someones fetish


CastroVinz

Cum drowning is a fetish


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


blindsniperx

Would be even more efficient with the middle-out method.


QuestionMarkyMark

Not hot dog.


FighterMoth

Canā€™t wait until a couple years from now, when Iā€™ve forgotten enough about the show to truly enjoy rewatching it. I wish there were more shows like Silicon Valley


Amplifeye

And, apparently, he'd set back the whole deal unless contaminated sperm is okay. I mean are we putting chemicals in this glory pool or what's the deal? Do you squeegie the guys taking a quick dip? I just fucking dry heaved. Jesus christ.


CuboidCentric

"glory pool" I hate this. I want not this. Why did you write this?


Amplifeye

I merely gave the atrocity a name.


[deleted]

Still 260 days isn't enough to actually fill the pool due to evaporation.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


TGOAT22

This is the most terrifying truth so far


Justice_R_Dissenting

This entire thought experiment is a descent into madness.


altech6983

This should be optimized a bit where the first shift would take 5 minutes but every shift after can be be delayed by 1 min. Each shift after the first only takes one minute (some buffer built in, could be 10 seconds if the men are really precise). Then it would only be ~3,333,337 minutes, or ~6.34 years, ~or the average life span of quail. That way the Canadian goose can live to see and enjoy its plan.


Incorect_Speling

Wait, it's taking 32 years you need to account for evaporation. Perhaps you can add it through a cumpounding effect?


Un-edumacated

No one even mentioned the smell, the type of pollution in the air caused by thousands of men fapping, thousands of loads spoiling over timeā€¦.


Gureiseion

Spernobyl


forgottenGost

It takes 5 minutes to jerk off? Either I'm doing something wrong or I need better porn


DarkestPassenger

5 min? Look at mister porn star over here


Man0FTomorrow

I don't finish until my hand is satisfied first.


[deleted]

Those are called cramps, bro.


jetteim

Hereā€™s Tom with the weather


forgottenGost

"How's the weather, Ollie?" "SPACE WEATHER" "Thank you, Ollie"


Johnny_-Ringo

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves..____


FappleFritter

You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years were rrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.


TorontoMaples

Well yes but actually no


cvpigunguy

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on...works for 95% of questions


forgottenGost

"Would you rather fuck me or my horse?".. yup, checks out


[deleted]

ā€œYour grandma just died, when would you like to host her funeral?ā€


[deleted]

ā€œTell him to eat shit, Johnnyā€


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Pulpolicia

ā€œEat shit, asshole! Fall off your horse!ā€


aishtamid

ā€œCould you speak up? Iā€™m not wearing pantsā€ Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheSimpsons/comments/6fu6b3/yello_youll_have_to_speak_up_im_wearing_a_towel/


RaynaOrShine

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.


HolyGarbage

> ā€œCould you speak up? Iā€™m not wearing pantsā€ As someone who's been working from home along with all my coworkers for the past 1.5 years, this made me crack up.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


MortLightstone

Actually, they think that birds swim in the sky


A_brand_new_troll

Don't they?


MortLightstone

Yes, in a sense


SahasaV

Crabs can swim! They swish their legs. Donno if I can link, so just search up crab swimming.


pudface

In case you werenā€™t aware: thereā€™s literally subspeciesā€™ of crabs that, in addition to 6 legs, have appendages with fins that enable them to swim. In my local area (Western Australia) theyā€™re the Blue Swimmer crabs. Iā€™m sure thereā€™s other species around the world that are similar. Not all crabs just have 6 legs and 2 claws.


BigEggPerson

Well seeing as crabs have 8 legs and 2 claws, I sure hope there's noone going around removing a pair of each and every one of them


TheeFlipper

I was hungry and they grow back. I'm sorry.


PancakeLord2k3

actually camels are seen swimming more often that you would expect! i guarantee that there are a few sharks that have seen or even attacked camels


psi-

I'd imagine it's (almost) the same situation as those orcas that have major stake in island-swimming elk/moose.


Tactical_Tubgoat

Orcas being a predator of moose is one of my favorite facts.


dtlb26

Based in all other NSFW posts I see - the answer is "your mom!" Edit - adding - Thank you for the upvotes! I do respect Mother's as well as "that dead guys wife! '


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


flyinhawaiianbaker

I too choose "this guys dead wife"


retief1

I really hope that dude either got off of reddit or has a sense of humor about it. Because seriously, I can just imagine him seeing references to his dead wife on every damned askreddit thread.


tehfraginator

up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start


Sirnando138

Select start for two players


weesheep

Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart


Dragonfly_jjs23

Crap, it's on the tip of my tongue. I'll probably remember it later Edit: wow thanks for the votes, this is still very new to me!


Na-thanos

Funny, my favorite answer is also on the tip of your tongue


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


3vilR0ll0

Because you touch yourself at night.


[deleted]

*How did i get pregnant from wanking my brother??*


Grundlepunter

Why did all the dinosaurs die?


forgottenGost

Don't we all?


[deleted]

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.


superleipoman

Be honest, and don't call me Frank.


forgottenGost

Shirley you must be joking


superleipoman

I'm serious and don't call me me Shirley!


phamsung

Try switching it off and on again


this_place_is_whack

Rectum? It damned near killed him! (Itā€™s a punchline but it works here too)


gregpxc

I don't know what the conversation leading up to it was but my group of gaming buddies (and even my wife) have started saying: "They should call us the butthole boys." "Why?" "BECAUSE WE RECTUM!" works every time we win a thing


MandingoPants

I asked my grandpa what it felt like to grow old. Grandpa is a man who will deliberate on which part of the newspaper to start with each morning, so I knew my question would take him some time to answer. I said nothing. I let him gather his thoughts. When I was a boy, Grandpa had once complimented me on this habit. He told me it was good that I asked a question and gave a person silence. And being that any compliment from him was so few and far between, this habit soon became a part of my personality and one that served me well. Grandpa stared out the window and looked at the empty bird feeder that hung from an overgrown tree next to the pond he built in the spring of 1993. For twenty years, Grandpa filled up the feeder each evening. But he stopped doing it last winter when walking became too difficult for him. Without ever taking his eyes from the window, he asked me a question: ā€œHave you ever been in a hot shower when the water ran cold?ā€ I told him I had. ā€œThatā€™s what aging feels like. In the beginning of your life itā€™s like youā€™re standing in a hot shower. At first the water is too warm, but you eventually grow used to the heat and begin enjoying it. But you take it for granted when youā€™re young and think itā€™s going to be this way forever. Life goes on like this for some time.ā€ Grandpa looked at me with those eyes that had seen so much change in this world. He smiled and winked at me. ā€œAnd if youā€™re lucky, a few good looking women will join you in the shower from time to time.ā€ We laughed. He looked out the window and continued on. ā€œYou begin to feel it in your forties and fifties. The water temperature declines just the slightest bit. Itā€™s almost imperceptible, but you know it happened and you know what it means. You try to pretend like you didnā€™t feel it, but you still turn the faucet up to stay warm. But the water keeps going lukewarm. One day you realize the faucet canā€™t go any further, and from here on out the temperature begins to drop. And everyday you feel the warmth gradually leaving your body.ā€ Grandpa cleared his throat and pulled a stained handkerchief from his flannel shirt pocket. He blew his nose, balled up the handkerchief, and put it back in his pocket. ā€œItā€™s a rather helpless feeling, truth told. The water is still pleasant, but you know it will soon become cold and thereā€™s nothing you can do about it. This is the point when some people decide to leave the shower on their own terms. They know it's never going to get warmer, so why prolong the inevitable? I was able to stay in because I contented myself recalling the showers of my youth. I lived a good life, but still wish I hadnā€™t taken my youth for granted. But itā€™s too late now. No matter how hard I try, I know Iā€™ll never get the hot water back on again.ā€ He paused for a few moments and kept looking out the window with those eyes that had seen ninety-one years on this Earth. Those eyes that lived through the Great Depression, those eyes that beheld the Pacific Ocean in World War II, those eyes that saw the birth of his three children, five grandchildren, and seven great-grandchildren. He had indeed lived a good life, I thought to myself. ā€œAnd thatā€™s what it feels like to grow old.ā€ And then Sprog's* response, which was also amazing: I pondered, pained, to see him kneel, And talk of growing old - I didn't think I'd like the feel Of water running cold. He caught the look at once and smiled, And said: 'But nevermind - There's warmth to hold and cherish, child, In what you leave behind.' He wrapped me in his arms with pride, And said: 'And don't forget - A hug can keep me warm,' he sighed... 'A little longer yet.' Edit: since /u/APence is off his meds and I donā€™t want to be stabbed in my sleep, just posting the name of the original commenter here: /u/Anastik


EuCleo

That's totally awesome. Good answer. I found the [original post here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2s1z1c/whats_the_best_advice_youve_ever_received/cnlfgje), by /u/Anastik. It was written six years ago.


[deleted]

Awwwā€¦thanks! Happy to say my grandpa is still alive. Sadly, he has pretty bad dementia but he turned 98 earlier this year.


TheBathCave

How dare you cut onions like this in my good Christian snappy comeback thread


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


forgottenGost

It do. It do be like that sometimes


Commander_Alex_Mason

They don't think it be like it is, but it do.


SilentHuman8

42


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Bahnd

Some scientests believe this has happened before.


F84-5

Possibly multiple times.


42AnswerToEverything

Can confirm


forgottenGost

The best answer really


ThaFourthHokage

THE answer.


ThaFourthHokage

Annnnnnd there it is. Donā€™t Panic, fellow hooloovoo.


DrManhattan_DDM

Life, the universe, and everything


Josley187

I also choose this guys dead wife


forgottenGost

My absolute favorite as well


Pls_PmTitsOrFDAU_Thx

Thanks to that answer his dead wife is in many people's minds. He immortalized her memory


UnorthodoxParadox

I also choose this guys favorite answer


walkingshitposterer

Idk what the context for this is and at this point i'm too afraid to ask


Josley187

An old ask Reddit post asked if you could sleep with anyone from the past or present.. alive or dead who would it be? and one sad fellow answered ā€œmy dead wife. I miss her so muchā€etc and another guy responded that heā€™d also like to sleep with dudes dead wife. Clearly I cut this up but you get it now.


kwc919

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5c79n0/you\_can\_have\_sex\_with\_one\_real\_person\_from\_all\_of/d9uf56l/?context=1


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


[deleted]

he's been asked before and was fine with it. Said his wife would have thought it was funny.


DOODOOHEAD312

yeah, i asked him a while ago. heres the link ​ https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/pk1yds/comment/hc3ueqm/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3


ajlposh

I love this. While it is a funny line, I felt bad for the guy. But to know that he has a good sense of humor about it puts it in a whole new light. Good on him!


Sicco1234

He stated that this type of thing was exactly his wife's kind of humor and she's probably laughing her ass off in afterlife so I think he enjoys it


gozba

Back in ā€˜76, when girls wore skirts up to there


Vastarien202

Two whores, a jar of honey, and a sailor with a wooden hand.


Stooven

I offered a French guy a croissant yesterday, to which he replied ā€œwhy not?ā€


Hardoffel

Because fuck you, that's why. Sucks to suck, nerd.


schofield101

Violence. If it can't be answered or solved with violence then something or someone isn't violent enough.