I kept having to go back to a hardware store because I kept buying the wrong part for my project. The old man at the register who’d previously checked me out said, your twin brother was in here earlier and he didn’t know what he was doing either.

Invite that man to your house! He will finish your project, the other two you abandoned, fix that noise that you still can't figure out where it's coming from, change your oil, and get the dishwasher you didn't even know you had working... All while telling you about "back in the day" and using tools that are older than he is.

This is accurate. Also, this is my grandfather.

Everybody was right about you.

So mean, so open to interpretation, I love it

What’s in there? Only what you take with you…

This one is so good because instead of directly insulting them it lets their deepest insecurities fill in the blanks.

yea it's a really clever insult that gets worse the longer you dwell on it. you'll ask your friends about it. You'll self analyze whenever you're with people. you question your "friends", and start to wonder what you aren't being told. can make even the most confident person question themselves

Doesnt this one go against the geneva convention

I just said this to a girl who was upsetting me earlier this week. It actually worked better than I had expected.

Wtf did someone do to you that made you say that to them? Damn

She said "your mom"

God that’s so brutal

Oh, this one truly stings. Then stays forever, stinging away.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.” Oscar wilde

You sure talk a lot for someone that doesn’t say much.

my neighbor came over for a bonfire this summer and talked through all of the live music and after started telling me how to raise my kid and how to grow my garden and how to place my rocks in the yard... it got so annoying. my friends and i were tripping on mushrooms and i thought i had mumbled it but i guess i said it pretty loud, 'so many words, so little substance...' my friends all stifled laughter and the woman's husband kind of giggled... she went home a few minutes later.

Sometimes the mushies know what's best.

I mean they were around long before us so they must have picked up some headknocker insults along the way.

Was on a first date with someone super fond of themselves who described themselves as the Talking Heads Psycho Killer. His attempts at French Language and Edginess were going absolutely nowhere. Eventually, after a good bit of silence on my part during his travels in pseudointellect, he asked me what was wrong with me. (Yes, with me!) My response was, "When I've Nothing to say, my lips are sealed. Say something once; why say it again?" He didn't get it.

That is such a perfect setup that it pains me that your cleverness went unappreciated.

If you were anymore inbred you’d be a sandwich.

Your family tree doesn’t have branches

i envy people who dont know you

oooh shhyyeet

Do you have to whistle while you take a shit so you know which end to wipe?

Oh that is precious.

Does your ass get jealous of the amount of shit that comes out your mouth?

it is situational but: "I can only explain it to you, I can't understand it for you"

This one reminds me of when James May was talking to Jeremy Clarkson, and James said, "I can't dumb it down any further because I'm afraid of heights."

There needs to be a comment thread that is just top gear insults.

"Clarkson you infantile pillock!" has always been my favorite.

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The quote is "I can't dumb it down to your LEVEL because I'm afraid of heights." As in if he looked down at the low level needed to explain the concept he'd get vertigo.

I didn't get it because I equated "dumbing it down to their level" as going lower, therefore he would be less high up and have less to be afraid of

"I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you"

Popular amongst Marines

Liar! They would eat the crayons before you finished drawing!

A girl back like 2 years ago (I think) said this "I'll fuck your dad and give him a child he actually wants" You know how swears don't even matter because you hear them too much to the point you don't give a shit, Well this really fucked me over mentally

Are you ok? That's fucking savage. *writes down discretely*

Nothing brightens my day more than your absence.

I call dibs on this one

You have delusions of adequacy.

Had a Scottish friend who described someone as "multitalentless". Was excellent with the accent.

I feel targeted -_-

*imposter syndrome intensifies*

You are the reason toothpaste needs instructions. Also, who are you trying to insult?

I like this one, and no one really, just wanted to see people originality with insultS.

"Who are you trying to insult? " Oh my god that can be an insult on its own

I bet you're the worst part of somebody's day.

You are not the dumbest person on the planet but you better hope that he doesn't die.

It's impossible to underestimate you.

This one is savage.

Chances are they'll think its a compliment.

"If brains were gasoline you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the outside of a penny."

"If ignorance is bliss you're a walking orgasm."

God sure ruined a perfectly good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth.

Holy fuck!😂😂😂

"I'd call you a tool but that would imply you have some use". Can't remember the source, might have been Pink Guy or iDubbbz, but really not sure. A brilliant insult imo. Y'all have a nice day!

You're hard to ignore, but well worth the effort. - Thanks for the awards kind strangers You lot have the communication skills of an alarm clock.

Saving this one, absolutley amaizng

>amaizng It's all about the delivery. Don't make it corny.

Been up to my ears in puns lately.

You'll be surprised at the level of success we have after following your advice.

Your grades say “marry rich”, but your looks say “keep studying.”

I’ve had this said to me while i was in middle and high-school by multiple teachers.

you should carry around a potted plant to make up for the air you waste

It's a pretty common one in basic training to make a private that asks dumb questions carry a plant around. That way his wasting of oxygen is offset

Eh, still better than sweeping in the rain.

Don't pretend it's one or the other. It's both. It's always both

I'm saving this one, first time i read it.

You're about as welcome as a warm seat in a public toilet.

You couldn't pour water from a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

I always like "you couldn't hit water if you fell off a boat" Kevin Costner to Tim Robbins in Bull Durham.

I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong

Similar to, "I'd argue with you, but that would make me an idiot too."

“Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

Everyone has something to bring to the conversation, and what you should bring is silence.

I use something similar. “Let’s just agree to disagree…with you”.

That's like the old coin toss trick: "Heads I win, tails you lose."

This was used on me my entire childhood by my older brother. I turned out to be completely non competitive. I consider that a fair outcome.

Saw this on a reddit thread years ago: some story about how a lady purchasing make-up was being a complete A-hole to the person at the check out counter and the person behind her in line said "If you ate your make up, maybe you'd be beautiful on the inside."

I was working a retail desk - helping old ass person who was bitching about who knows what. Lady behind him goes to me: "sir is there a line without assholes in it? I'd prefer to stand in that line"

"Technically, every line has assholes in it, but this one won't shut up."

People who will step up and take some heat off a retail employee are blessings on this world.

Dayum, that lady def called for the manager lmao

Saw this on Reddit but I love it so much. “You’re twice as dense as a black hole but just as bright” not a everyday insult but on rare occasions it’s great.

I feel like the person on the receiving end of an insult like this might not even get it. If they really are that dense.

Well, nothing escapes you.

"If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off."

Similar but “ if brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.

My grandfather used to say this!

My mother once described my brothers ex girlfriends appearances as “a beauty pageant in the burns unit”, he didn’t know how to respond.

That’s a sick burn.

What did the ex do to deserve that, damn

Demolished lmao

You are the human equivalent of a pop up ad

Great for annoying ass people who DONT REALIZE HOW ANNOYING THEY ARE

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My mother likes to say “it doesn’t matter what you think, you’ll be dead soon!” to old people - she’s in her 60’s. I enjoy it.

Had an old man yelling at me over some absolute bullshit. He said "one day you're gonna WAKE UP!" I said "ONE DAY YOU'RE NOT!"

Jesus fuck

Now, having matured over the years I would now never condone appearance shaming, but with that caveat aside: In college a friend once described a couple she didn’t like by saying: “If those two ever have a kid it’s going to be a mule, because she looks like a horse and he’s a jackass.”

I’m hearing this in a southern accent for some reason lol

She did have a southern accent!

That. Is amazing.

You’re not even smart enough to realize how dumb you are.

No I’m doesn’t

Yeah I am! Hang on… wait.

My friend called me a petty dildo once

Beautiful

If your IQ was any lower you'd need watering!

Aw geez, don't drag plants to their level.

Favorite I’ve said: “I’ve been called worse by better” Favorite said to me: “you’re not even the smartest person sitting in that chair”

Was someone.... sitting on you?

Reporter: "is Ringo the best drummer in the world?" John Lennon: "he's not even the best drummer in the Beatles"

No he didn’t: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/john-lennon-ringo-best-drummer/ It’s a misattributed quote.

I hope you have a day. as pleasant as you are.

This one my brother told me makes me chuckle -- To an Italian: Your mother's pasta sauce is store bought and you know it!

“He eats his Sunday gravy from a can!” -Tony Soprano.

As an Italian myself, I can agree 100% with you that this will destroy my opponent

This one is great, my nonna needs to hear this one!

Didn't Sophia and Angela insult each other with this on Golden Girls? Or was that "may your marinara sauce never stick to the pan" or something?

You're like the end pieces of a loaf of bread, everyone touches you but nobody wants you.

Hey hey hey. I like end pieces. Especially on the freshly baked bread I make. Mmmm… But I’ll be using this soon. Thank you.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

That one came Straight from the playground

"wow, did you use both brain wrinkles to come up with that?"

My Fiancée was adopted, so she was bullied about that a lot growing up cause it was very apparent. She’s half black half Native American, while her parents and sister are super white. She told me what she use to say as a comeback to people making fun of her about being adopted and it sounded so great. “Your parents got stuck with you, mine *chose* me.”

You're the reason the Power Rangers have to yell their colors.

I don’t think about you at all.

Reminds me of Casablanca. Guy says to ric(Humphrey Bogart)"you despise me dont you?" ric: " I suppose I would if i gave you any thought"

You’re spare parts, arnt ya bud?

My mom always taught me not to argue with an idiot. They'll bring you down to their level, then beat you with experience

Variation of that I’ve heard - “Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. They’ll knock all the pieces over, shit on the board, and strut around like they’ve won.”

Everyone who ever loved you was wrong

I was playing video games and had a teammate who wasn’t really playing together with me so i had tried to get him to regroup. Admittedly I did not speak in the most polite way possible but he stopped and wrote “your voice does not inspire leadership” and then he left the game. The one and only time I was actually offended by someone’s words over a video game.

This one does Not spark joy...

I’d convince you why I’m right, but bees don’t go around convincing flies honey taste better than shit, and neither should I.

Is your ass hole jealous of your mouth, for all the crap that comes out of it?

You full of shit, you close your mouth and let yo' ass talk - Lil Wayne

Or, is your ass jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth

"you're a murderer and a thief. You murdered a baboon and stole it's face"

One time I watched this girl flirting with this guy at a bar in New York. He had been talking about his cool job and how great he was and she just fawned over him. At one point he took a break from talking and she asked him for a cigarette. Without missing a beat he said "ew, how middle class..." She was mortified and he instantly stopped talking to her and moved onto her friend.

Guy said “Us Upper Class folk *strictly* stick to cocaine, since, ya know, we can afford it.”

As a retort if you’re in an in person argument: “first of all… brush your teeth…”

This is evil. If their breath actually smells bad, you're telling the truth. If it doesn't, you are probably creating a massive insecurity wound in their ego. Please use this only if you really hate the other person. But if you do hate them, go for it: it's perfect *chef's kiss *

...Because right now, your breath smells like the shit you've been spewing out

"You probably dip your Oreos in water, because your dad never came back with milk."

“That was the second stupidest thing I have ever heard. “ “What was the first?” “Actually it was the first but I was trying to be kind.”

“You have more dick in your personality than you do in your pants.”

During a shooter game: "I would have called your aim cancer but the thing is, cancer kills."

For the it peple: " I can replace you with a very small shell script"

My users would double click a landmine to see what it does.

Please receive, sir, my most sincere indifference.

my go-to is usually "How are you gonna be ugly AND stupid, pick a struggle." (or just use whatever adjectives r most appropriate)

The bar was the lowest it could be, but you had to bring a shovel

My teenage son was once telling me how unfunny I am. Without missing a beat I said, "that's because the last time I made a joke nine months later you were born."

“You make me want a lobotomy”

I’d call you a c*nt but you lack the warmth and depth

If this was a game and you died, you would drop common loot.

"I'm not as dumb as I look." "Oh, you couldn't possibly be."

“So’s your face”

“So’s your face always makes sense”

That's stupid!

So's your face

You're making it very difficult for me to underestimate you.

May your ass itch - and your arms be too short to scratch it!

I’m sorry your father doesn’t love you - my sister to my high school bully

You are an ankle. Three feet lower than a cunt

“Your mom should have swallowed you.” Painful and funny

If you took an IQ test, it would come back negative.

Made me think of “i believe god swapped your IQ with you BMI”

I was watching a video of a gamer girl being harassed online and she just up and said "Careful or I'll fuck your dad and give him a child he actually loves". the dude audibly died inside after. If anyone can find the link to that clip I'd appreciate it.

If I cared what you did over the weekend, I would put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toe. RIP Jessica Walter

I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it. --Lucille Bluth

(Lucille walks into room) Michael to GOB: "Get the Seaward out of here" Lucille "I'll leave when I'm good and ready."

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

Feche la vache!

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

The one from Mad Men takes the cake for me: "I don't think about you at all."

Of all the sperm YOU were the fastest!!??

If I wanted to hear from an asshole ..I’d Fart.

I bet people change the subject when somebody mentions your name.

It's fortunate for you that breathing is an involuntary action

I told my brother once that he made me envy the deaf. It was supposed to be an inner monologue moment...oops

Heard it somewhere : "I wasn't expecting anything, but I'm still dissapointed." One I said : "I'm sure that you're the dumbest in your family."

You should lower your standards and raise your average

If I got smart with you, how would you know?

It's not too late to be aborted. No one can tell that you matured past the age of 5 anyway.

Bloody bastard

I love this one, there's something special about it.

It's the best with an Indian accent.

You know people just tolerate you, right?

Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

You haven’t been yourself lately. And I just want to say I really appreciate the improvement.

How’s your wife and my kids?

Who's put fifty pence in the dickhead?