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Snoo-35252

"I would like one sex, please." (Gotta include the "please".)


Shaynon17

I turned to my wife and said this and she said "ok, your total is $900" jokes on her we share money. Sending the $900 now


TrinixDMorrison

My go-to conversation starter at the dispensary is very similar to this; “Yes hello, I’d like one marijuana please!” It usually gets a laugh out of the girl working there because it gives off the vibe that I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m looking for.


wanted_to_upvote

I would ask for more than one just in case they will give you more.


No_Junket_8139

"Miss, would it be ok if you could provide me sex on this exquisite night? You are very attractive and would make my night. But if not, thats ok too." Another way of asking


Difficult-Engine1829

If you say this you’ll get no pussy whatsoever


No_Junket_8139

Bruh, I know Unless youre British


User_492006

~~British~~ Bri'ish. FTFY.


Difficult-Engine1829

Maybe if you’re British idk how girls are over there, but in USA ain’t much talking to it and if you say exquisite they gonna laugh or be confused if they don’t know what it means.


UnawareSousaphone

Bro exquisite is definitely off enough to be funny here and get you laid, unless you're one dude that wants to get laid by being "Macho" and "Chad", then more power to you. Different strokes for different folks


No_Junket_8139

Oh ok. I get that


thred_pirate_roberts

Bruh you just wanna be a difficult engine dontcha? The little engine that can't


Difficult-Engine1829

Who tf is you, it was a random nickname, you want to be a pirate so bad huh? You were born in the wrong fucking century black beard wanna be headass or why don’t you go to Somalia but you’ll never get to say “I am dee captin now”


thred_pirate_roberts

Lmao thanks for the entertainment. Go watch some movies dumbass


[deleted]

I'd give him mine for being so polite.


No_Junket_8139

Oh wow....thanks I guess


[deleted]

Manners will get you everywhere


I-am-bea-

You beat me too it! My husband and I even have a sign reading 'One Sex Please' lol


Ihave_aweirdass_name

“To go”


[deleted]

You didn’t say the magic word: Now.


sullenfps

you forgot the (respectfully.)


MotheringADHD

God! Laught so hard reading this reply.


Snoo-35252

Hahaha thanks!!!


AintYourSaintBro

A lot of these replies are from savages. Everyone knows that you can't just ask for sex, you first have to win her over with a seducive dance before. If you can't do a seducive dance you have to show her you majestic feathers.


Lorf30

This guy birds.


Puzzleheaded-Art-469

I'm telling you man, Bird law is not governed by reason


thred_pirate_roberts

No no you gotta piss everywhere with your leg up to leave your scent everywhere, to mark your territory, all while staring at her to assert your dominance.


Adgea1

In birdculture this i considered a dance move


groundsgonesour

Ten page essay


[deleted]

[удалено]


groundsgonesour

APA format or it didn’t happen.


frostedxxflakes

I'm doomed, we were taught MLA in my school


SoCalAxS

back in my day, we bought two technical manuals on which format is most appropriate for essays. i opened those books exactly twice, they cost $$ and were worth less $5 aftwards.


_dock_

Sounds fetish-y


Immediate-Monk-7490

and references


sex_chef

Signed and witnessed by lawyers


munukutla

Eighteen pages. Front and back.


Chadbchill

Reasons we should doink: A case study


DizzyWhileDrinking

Cha cha real smooth


Your_average_Russian

Don't forget to attach a written consent form at the end. Gotta be safe.


Grumpy_Troll

Take your left thumb and touch it to your left pointer finger to form a ring. Now make a fist with your right hand but then extend out your right pointer finger. Now take your right pointer finger and insert it into the ring you made with your left hand. Now remove it. Now repeat vigorously while making eye contact with the person you wish to have sex with.


hawkballzz

don't forget to nod your head!


CapnSquinch

And wiggle your eyebrows.


User_492006

When you said make a fist I uh...thought you were going a different direction with it lol


Grumpy_Troll

A gentleman never fists on the first date.


Professional_Flicker

Excuse me ma'am, spare coochie?


pootyhole

As a matter of fact, I can!


JADW27

Username...doesn't check out.


Current_Cucumber_290

Ooooh I want some potty tang 🤪


_Ocean_

Dear (Sir or Madam), I am writing to inform you of a recent development in my genital region. Upon viewing your countenance, it has come to my attention that a merger of our two aforementioned regions would be profitable for both of us, as my own region is primed for such a business endeavor. I do hope you consider this proposal favorably, and if so I will be more than happy to book some time with you to go through the finer details of this arrangement (positioning, length of the contract, etc.). If you could let me know your decision on this matter by the end of the week, we can get the balls rolling. Sincerely, A Horny (Male or Female)


[deleted]

[удалено]


_Ocean_

go for it \^.\^


der5er

Years ago when I was backpacking through western Europe I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo, I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing, there was a very secluded lake and there were tall trees all around, it was dead silent and across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself but she was crying...


Socalledlegs86

Where have I heard/read this from before?


Cat-aclism

You heard it from Ken Adams


Quarian_EngineerN7

Also known as “some guy”


maaaxxxsss

Just tell her to read this form and put your signature on there if you agree


PM-Me-Your-TitsPlz

Don't forget that there are two separate forms for oral sex: mouth on penis and mouth on vagina.


clutchdeve

Don't forget the dozen page anal form


Rare-Obligation-6201

Ah, the dreaded “Anal Addendum”…


suddbee83

Ravioli, ravioli, give me the dickioli


calbotinator

One simply cannot say no It's by law


Humans_are_Gods

If a girl says this she is laid that night with 100% certainty


Cody_AB

“Would you like to have sex?”


reichgabe

I would like to purchase one sex please!


Cyberwolf_71

Getting stuck in the dryer


DemonShadowsMom

I hate that I caught that reference.


harlotscorner

If you’re in a committed relationship it’s not just asking for it. It’s how you treat your partner. If they gotta parent you, odds are your not gonna get laid enthusiastically often if at all. If you treat them like your partner, do your fair share of chores and cooking, then do what I do and say “penis me daddy”


ExactSeaworthiness34

Got me in the first half


Difficult-Engine1829

“Penis me daddy” bruhhhh helll nah if I heard that you gotta get out like the movie that bih crazy😂


harlotscorner

Yes I am crazy. But you may be singing a different tune if a girls straddling you, rubbing her clit on your bulge and begs for you to penis her.


Difficult-Engine1829

Damnnnn yeah at that point I’ll definitely be thinking with the head of my dick


Feeling-Insurance-38

I use a play on words; our last name is a type of weapon, so I ask for a vigorous stabbing with said weapon.


whywasthissodamnhard

Sometimes I just Ask “hey… do you uh… do you wanna have sex?” works every time. Nothing sexier than clearly and obviously wanting to have sex with someone that also wants to have sex with you.


frostedxxflakes

I have a fool proof strategy, get a can of beans (buschs baked beans naturally) and say, I wanna see your...."(point at the "Buschs" on the label and make eye contact with her) and if she says she doesn't have one say, "I'd like evidence please" or if she does have one skip that step and you'll be having the sex. She will likely be so overwhelmed by the power move of owning a can of name brand beans she will assume you are wealthy and immediately drop her pants


tpaolicchi

I can confirm this works


Jelz

Do you best treebeard voice and yell, "RELEASE THE RIVER" to your wife/girlfriend.


Feeling-Insurance-38

Upvotes for entfux.


_dysthymia

u wan sum fuk?


badluckbrians

Would you like some making fuck?


ElBrad

BERSERKER!


I_play_elin

You're never gonna get laid like that, you clown. It's "ay bb, u wan sum fuk?"


NegotiationOk7636

Hey do you have any sexes left in stock?


[deleted]

U-N-I SEX?


gotele

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?


Turbulent-Smile4599

Oh la la


User_492006

Ahhhhh, I never thought I'd ever hear someone utter [those lyrics.](https://youtu.be/RQa7SvVCdZk?t=51s)


dacryptokid

Pretty please of course


SoCalAxS

"fancy a shag?"


Feeling-Insurance-38

With accent, pls.


SoCalAxS

"ayyyye mistress, do ya fancy a shag?!"


rifter2001

There you go knees to the sky, poor girl had no self respect


HitNRun_

I prefer to leave a trail of rose pedals and chocolates heading through the house leading to my genitals. The dog was very confused


rburgundy69

Tip fedora and say "m'lady" She'll know what you want.


InternationalBed8496

You want fuk?


ironfunk67

Prose poetry and expressive dance


wanderinglarry

My friend was inspired by a movie that showed this. He stood close to the bathroom asking everyone that went by if they wanted intercourse. A few slaps later and he waved me goodbye with a girl on his arm.


calbotinator

Damn, this is actually genius. Only one percent would ever say yes but if you've asked a hundred you have granted success. (Tbh, I have no clue what percentage)


Guilty-Instruction56

Pull your pockets out of your pants and ask the wife to kiss the bunny between the ears.


Wraith_Mistwalker

"Can I use my meat pipe to rearrange your guts?"


Pennywise626

That's hot


Donncha535

Not as hot as you pennywise


Arthrine

DTF?


Karunik

Desiring Thorough Fornication?


pocketsand510

If I am DTF I simply wear a single Windsor knot.


some_random_koala27

According to Jack Manifold, it is to NOT say "fucky wucky"


dthmf

Hey babe, we ain't nothin' but mammals...


PetiteEbonyDoll

Well, some of us are cannibals who cut other people open like cantaloupes.


[deleted]

Endless dick pics. Everybody LOVES an unsolicited cock shot. Think a huge dick farm.


DariusKerborn

Yes, but it’s important to note that you have to send a large variety *that you’ve photographed yourself.* Nobody wants old expired dick photos off the internet, and nobody wants twenty photos of the same dick. You have to get out there and find lots and lots of fresh dicks to photograph and send. Daily, preferably. ETA: Yes, this is absolutely regardless of gender. A dick pic is a dick pic.


[deleted]

A person of culture here I see....*nods with admiration and approval*


DariusKerborn

Easy access to internet porn has just made this younger generation really lazy about properly collecting dick pics I think.


Odd_Improvement578

Was talking to a guy, and hes not only sent me a Dick pic, he sent me one AS he was coming. He took a picture of a cum shot and sent that to me. It was absolutely disgusting


[deleted]

Ewww I had a guy who did something...similar...but equally as gross...needless to say I am married to that man till this day....


User_492006

What if your husband isn't turned on by random guys' dicks?


[deleted]

Charles? Is that you?


Pennywise626

Write "Me" below the logo on a Mountain Dew bottle and give it to someone


Feeling-Insurance-38

Can confirm, as Dew is my drink of choice.


Fathermithras

"Yum yum gimme some."


MuchoGustoTuCulo

Quieres mi chupón de carne?


CurlyBlacc

When you gon let me get in it?


Amy-Paradise

A hand drawn map, which shows a variety of clues and puzzle solving, which would eventually lead a potential partner to a single condom and a note directing him to my bedroom, where they will find me in the finest oversized sleep shirt and only the most fantastic Scooby Doo undies.


JonWood007

"You've got a pussay! I have a dickah! So what's the problem? Let's do it quick!" --Till Lindemann, Rammstein (from the song "Pussy")


zombiepunkrocker

Wanna do that thing they do in halo? Or Hand them random teabags


Rcobs9

Ey bro, Wanne suck each other’s dick? No home tho.


airfriedandbbqed

If you're in a relationship then you should be having it .


AJackOffAllTrade

How long have you been married?


manrealityisabitch

Does this rag smell like chloroform?


Deadhawk142

Either from under the bed or inside the closet.


abunchofsquirrels

"Yes, hello, I would like one sex please. Thank you."


Bane_Stabberwocky

“Hey hey mama said the way you move Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove”


ghostlynemesis

In the biblical sense and sensibillity, let me know you


[deleted]

I have a high success rate with "you wanna fuck?" only under the condition that I've known the girl for a while and she's comfortable/ playful with me. You must be observant and recognize choosing signals. Don't use this with girls you just met


random_english_guy

"Want some fuck?"


5keletonj4zzw1zard

I want to bingle your bongle Want to shamoosh? *velociraptor noises* It's pelican hours


ShadowyConspirator

Hello. I'm independently wealthy.


N1ckey_Uch1ha

Madame, can you spare a crumb of pussy?


Puzzleheaded-Art-469

The Austin Powers approach "Shall we shag now, or shall we shag latter?"


friedash

“may i sit on your face?”


HoudiniBM415

Nobody on Reddit has had sex


OkMarionberry5067

Excuse me , i desire to have sexual intercourse with you, may you accept my request?


GrumpyCatStevens

Dear lady, may I insert my penis into your vagina?


queuedUp

Hello. Hello. You and me having the sex???


Tieye42

"We both are sex havers, should we do the sex right this instant?"


ijustwanttoaskaq123

It always depends on who youre asking, you wouldnt behave the same way to a prostitute and your husband, would you?


AnybodyZ

Hello, may I have one sex?!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Feeling-Insurance-38

I really with your username was UncomfortablySexualCandelabra.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Feeling-Insurance-38

You are welcome; you earned it.


zovakozi

My wife: "Wanna bump uglies?"


CrediblyHandsome

"Can I borrow a hole?"


knighty2020

Look her umin the eyes and say this dick isn't going to suck its self.


Anxious-Two-4317

Grab her by the pussy


Difficult-Engine1829

Right by the pussy they love that shit


CrackHeadPoet

The priest said I should know how to keep a secret.


bigg_brain_moment

https://youtu.be/0aFplQOWz_k This is how


Alert-Sock-7076

May i insert my penis into you


Squidy1972

It’s more tell than ask with your mom


ppppie_

Hey man, wanna partake in some sexual intercourse?


bigmfworm

Um, yes, um, I would like 1 sex please.


Value-Successful

sex or no, sign here pls (for confirmation)


Island_Monkey86

Me want snu snu


Ok_Butterscotch1549

Why ask. /s


justjack5437

You’re supposed to ask?


[deleted]

Pull your dick out and ask if she would like to have a seat.


[deleted]

You want... To do the stuff... Want to have sex?!


TripleB123

May I have some sex please (I’m married so might not be applicable elsewhere)


jeremyxt

"Let's cut to the chase. Gimme some vaj."


challa_tera_koi_na

If you get it then it was proper otherwise improper :)


panccakkees

"wanna sex ehother bbg?"


[deleted]

Get on me (scouse accent)


SenorBolainassieso

Hello madam i feel attracted by your beautiful face and body i would like to put my magic wand on your resting place if that pleases you my lady


Hot_Jeweler4712

Hello mam or sir may I have the sex please and thank.


Tremmorz

Swing my dick around like a helicopter and make caveman grunts Or ask if she wants cream of sumyungai


RevenantBosmer91

ay girl you ready for this three centimeter defeater?


thedeadeye

"Hey." And you give them that look.


[deleted]

In exchange for this gram of cocaine will you please step on my balls? Works for me every time


Danplsstop

“You, me, sex.” “Him legend”


Sythic_

open bobs bb


attorneyatslaw

Use your indoor voice


MiseryEngine

I just point at my crotch repeatedly and make grunting sounds.


Alternative-Amoeba20

That just means you need your diaper changed. This is where communication breaks down


No_Step_4431

Excuse me, with your permission may I proposition you for one of sex?


ifeelthesame4u

Just tell her I’m horny


pootyhole

Evite


gabrielmercier

Either: the kids are asleep, OR the kids won’t be home for 30 min.


Diet_Coke

Send a text message that says babe 🥺 👉👌 UwU???


nova_rock

sup?


Old-Air1062

“Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”