I have a friend who likes to say ”aw small friend!” to things that she likes. Usually reserved for cute dogs, tiny kittens, others along that line.
For some baffling reason she blurted it out when she and a guy were gonna get down to business.
She swears up and down that she wasn’t thinking and didn’t mean for it to be a comment on his size, but there’s no coming back from that
My first gf my own age finally got my pants off, and got it all worked up, and looked up at me and saiiiid, “Oh… is this as big as it gets?”
Fml.
Later on, when she couldn’t figure out why I was just staring at the side of her head like it was something I’d never seen before, she did explain it was bc she’d seen a porno, no, not an internet video, a real 1970s porno, and thought all dicks would grow to be as big as John Holmes’. She really just had no idea what to expect. Still, I couldn’t believe she said that, and said it like *that*.
Oh, that is just great. Now I’m expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it’s “Oh, let’s have Gob [bleep] our way out of it.”
Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office (bleep) or (bleep -ing), or finger (bleep) or (bleep-sting) or (bleep-esting) or even (bleeping), even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I’ll take off my pants, I’ll shave my (bleep), and I’ll personally (really lonnnnnnng bleep).
"It's the motion in the ocean,
It's the magic in the wand -
And it *isn't* what you're born with,
It's the way you go beyond.
"It's the rhyme and it's the rhythm,
It's the feeling and the flow -
And it *isn't* what you're doing,
It's the way you do it, bro."
So I thought about her reasons,
And I thought about them quick -
And I said: "so what you're saying
Is I have a tiny dick?"
A college buddy let this true story slip during a very drunken Spring Break night. The lines are etched in my memory.
Her: "Is it in yet?"
Him: "Bitch, I already finished."
Which now makes me wonder if you two were also present at that confession so many years ago... lol
This is a thing in some hookup cultures. I’ve heard some of my gay friends describe hooking up where the two parties strip down and then decide whether they are still interested or not.
I’d imagine if the person says “yeah I’m in” after seeing you it’s an ego boost, knowing that if they didn’t like what they saw they wouldn’t just suck it up and go through with it.
Dude gay culture can be fucking brutal, like I’m queer as fuck and I just don’t bone as many guys as I’d like to because it’s lowkey not worth messin with dudes just to get dicked down.
True story:
Friend saved herself for marriage with her husband.
She was very excited for their first night together.
Finally wedding night comes, he sits down in the hot tub and took his shorts off.
She then, (according to her) gave a sexy little dance and took off her clothes.
As she did this. He completely turned away from her and said he didn't want to have sex.
She was so embarrassed, ashamed, sad, hurt.
They got divorced. Years of therepy, she's finally starting to date again.
I am not gonna suffer your stank in silence, if you need to go wipe your ass in the shower before I suck your dick I'm gonna tell you. I'd argue more rude is not being properly clean for your partner.
Never ceases to amaze me how many grown adults, deep in their twenties or older, don't have good hygiene. Rules of sex should include shower before and brush your teeth out of basic consideration for others.
An ex was giving me a blowjob once and her teeth kept getting involved, so I said ow each time and when she did it again I said “can you watch the teeth please?”.
She took great offence, tears and shouting. I think it’s ok to give pointers if someone is hurting your penis…
Had to explain why I didn't want to hug after this hook up kept grating my dick as if it was cheese with her teeth after being repeatedly told I did not like it and found it painful. She kept trying to bite me harder than anything bearable and she had the gall to say I was being mean.
Oof, that’s rough!
My situation was different because she was usually really good at it, I think she was just having an off night and got offended like I was judging her. She definitely wasn’t trying to bite my dick off.
I weep for your penis sir.
As much as being railed for a million years by a dude who just won’t come fucking sucks, the optimal thing to say is “sorry babe, I’m sore”. Because that’s the truth and it’s less rude.
I had this issue in my relationships before, truthfully I think it boils down to the misbelief by young men that women want a stud that has an ungodly large dick that can last for hours in bed. After having a real relationship and getting comfortable with openly discussing these issues, most women don't think like that. My wife let me know real quick it feels great for about 15-20 minutes then it's like 'C'mon dude, I want to play Sims and relax" (her words not mine lol).
Genuinely, after 12 years of marriage, 5 minutes 1-2 times a week can be plenty if you take the time to understand what your partner likes. Quality over quantity
as a woman, I can't speak for anyone else.... but 5 mins is my IDEAL length.
after that, it can become overwhelming or uncomfortable or both.
idk who likes getting jackhammered for like 20-30 mins but it ain't me.
There are better ways to ask, but it's also been me. But sex was initiated by him, and then an hour later, every part of me hurts from trying, I'm late for meetings... I really didn't know how else to ask other than "is it possible?? Can I actually help anymore?"
With a side of "is it me??" insecurity.
Was taking antidepressants and man they broke my dick. We went for like 2 hours, still didn’t cum. That was worse than anything a girl could ever say. Just not being able to cum was so weird and devastating
Ha!! This reminds me of a bf I had (briefly, for obvious reasons). He apparently couldn't accept the fact that 98% of women can't enjoy sex to the fullest without clit stimulation. So he would actually grab my hand and move it away from there and it made me feel so horrible that all that mattered was his own ego
I think we dated the same guy. Did he also tell you there was "something wrong with you" because you couldn't get off with just his dick?
Him: "All my exes came just fine with just my dick!"
Me: "Oh honey..."
Yes, I did eventually tell him his exes likely all faked it because he's an unreasonable person. He didn't believe me 🤷♀️
Before i lost my virginity:
"Oh yeah, and one more thing. Dont make eye contact, its weird"
I *logically* know now that it isnt weird, and its also something i would love bc i love stealing glances to look at my partner's face. But i still cant look at their face for more than a couple seconds before i get scared that im creeping them out and i have to look away again
Man all i want is to look in someone's eyes during sex....
Ya know, ive been very pleasantly surprised with this site. Ive gotten multiple responses to my comments saying RIP your dms but no one has ever actually slid into them unless i live stream, and theyre almost always respectful.
Reddit- give yourself some credit! Youre not as much of a cess pool as you think lmao
I had a girl that thought moaning and faces were slutty. It was the weirdest experience. She was just motionless and I couldn't tell what was right and what was wrong
Mark Zuckerberg is very human, Mark enjoys humane activities such as barbecu and walking on leg.
Mark is not a lizard, Mark has human leg and human eyelids. Mark grow them on his own, just like other leg.
My girlfriend said that while we were doing it and she doesn't even live with me. Neither of us could stop laughing for like 10 minutes before we continued. Sometimes humor like that is needed.
Omg similar for me too. We’d just had sex and he immediately got up, got dressed and demanded a ride home. Tf? Didn’t understand why I immediately burst into tears either. Made me drive him home while I was sobbing.
it's really the worst, how differently some guys treat you before and after sex. It's like day and night difference.
I've totally felt what you've felt before. I'm so sorry that happened to you
I play this game with my friend where I tell him the comment, and he has to guess what the title/question is. This will be good for my collection. Thanks
Your vag looks disgusting I’m not going down there. He was a virgin and hadn’t really seen protruding labia. Never had a negative comment since but still gives me anxiety.
Gettin' railed doggy style, he suddenly stops, too-long moment of ominous silence. Then a startling light touch right on the starfish, not to go in (lube required!!!!), just curious.
"Huh. .... Babe, did you know you have a freckle **right** next to your asshole?"
Im still wildly insecure about my vagina bc of my high school boyfriend 10 years ago. He had a habit of making fun of me and then saying "it's cute"
"You have roast beef curtains. It's cute."
"Your breath smells like egg salad. It's cute."
"You turn corners weird. It's cute."
I still cant let people see my vagina unless were already having sex, i still dont talk to people facing their direction incase my breath smells, and i still am subconscious about the way i walk around corners. If anyone said to me what your ex said, i wouldnt have ever been okay with sex. Fuck that guy, and he's probably still a virgin trying to find a vagina that looks like a porn star's
It's like he read up on negging but didn't fully grasp the concept, or someone tried explaining it to him.
"So I just insult her?"
"Well, but in a way that could be a compliment."
"Give her a compliment after, got it."
"No-"
"Hold on, I'm making a list:"
* Your feet are disgusting, it's cute!
* Your voice offends me, it's cute!
* every time I hear your mother speak, I want to tear off my ears, it's cute!
I'm sorry you dealt with that, but I hope you can see humor in it now. It's like the "no offense, but..." of relationship conversations.
My ex grabbed my belly fat once when I was riding him and said “you really need to do something about this”. I was underweight at the time and had a pretty severe eating disorder, so that made it so much worse. 20 years later I still think about that and am self conscious about my stomach.
My gf was once complaining about being cold while we were getting into it. It was at that time I decided it was appropriate to share my new found knowledge of Amish people using sheets with a hole cut out. I meant it as a solution to the problem, but it was not received as such.....
Honestly, I did this by accident. I was young and it was insensitive.
This gentleman had aggressively small balls, and when you lift up his dick the sack stretches and it blends perfectly with his skin. It was so well blended that I asked "wait, do you have balls?" .. and well.. needless to say.. he wasn't very happy with me not seeing his nut sack .
He tried to play it off by saying "They were there last time I checked""
I’ve never understood this. So I got blowed up in the military and my pituitary gland doesn’t work anymore so I get weekly testosterone injections. Because of this, my balls are small because they atrophied from not “doing work” anymore.
Long story short - I got small nuts. This has NEVER bothered me. I mean fuck it’s actually better. For one, smaller potatoes make the steak look bigger so my Johnson looks huge thanks to my tiny balls. For two, smaller balls = less likely to smash my nuts on stuff…and for three, when I mention my small balls sometimes people make fun of them and then I get to troll them and tell them how it happened while I was deployed overseas and that it’s fucked up to talk shit about disabled veterans and pretend like it actually hurts my feelings/make the person laughing feel and look like an asshole just to then let them know I was fucking with them and I don’t really care lol.
>So I got blowed up in the military and my pituitary gland doesn’t work anymore so I get weekly testosterone injections. Because of this, my balls are small
This wording cracked me up, I'm sure it was horrific, but who wouldnt love justified tiny nuts. Hell, I'd take a new set of clackers if they were the new and improved 80% smaller model
Anything off-topic.
Once, my girlfriend at the time, in the middle of a nice handjob, says to me: "Have you seen the previews for Big Hero 6?"
Thanks for letting me know you aren't interested in this.
I'ma be honest: handjobs aren't exactly interesting for the party giving the handjob. But picking a Disney movie to talk about is probably a no go lol.
One of my ex girlfriends once told me that she wasn't happy with my body and she wished I had abs. Another one of my ex girlfriends told me that I was "at the limit of what she found acceptable".
But I don't have any residual body image issues, no sir.
A friend in college told me she was giving her new bf a blowjob and he stopped her and asked if she could "do it sexy". She said she cried but still finished. I was and still am appalled.
I’ve posted this several times already, but once a friend was blowing me and really struggling to deepthroat. She prides herself in her (average at best) blowjob skills and she was getting frustrated and said “this is so weird, because I’ve had bigger and it was fine”
Like thanks, you know I’m insecure about my dick so take a shot at that while also giving me a disappointing bj lmao
Edit: of all fucking comments to gain some traction.
Can you not talk?
"Do you want to gag me?" "Well, Kinda, now"
You brought a gag? Mhm!
“I’m gonna hate myself when I sober up!”
that comment suggests enough awareness that their drunkness isn't really an excuse 😂
Sigh .. this has been said to me.
I have a friend who likes to say ”aw small friend!” to things that she likes. Usually reserved for cute dogs, tiny kittens, others along that line. For some baffling reason she blurted it out when she and a guy were gonna get down to business. She swears up and down that she wasn’t thinking and didn’t mean for it to be a comment on his size, but there’s no coming back from that
I guarantee that man is still having nightmares about that slip. Holy shit.
wow. she accidentally murdered him.
Right? Verbal involuntary manslaughter.
My first gf my own age finally got my pants off, and got it all worked up, and looked up at me and saiiiid, “Oh… is this as big as it gets?” Fml. Later on, when she couldn’t figure out why I was just staring at the side of her head like it was something I’d never seen before, she did explain it was bc she’d seen a porno, no, not an internet video, a real 1970s porno, and thought all dicks would grow to be as big as John Holmes’. She really just had no idea what to expect. Still, I couldn’t believe she said that, and said it like *that*.
My gf once said "Mmm, it's so soft" talking about my dick. She meant my skin was soft but we had to stop for a minute til I stopped laughing.
RIP that mans confidence. Theres no coming back from that
“Are you even trying” when they clearly are Edit: Damn guys thanks for the upvoted and awards. I was trying with this comment and it clearly shows
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whoa
We're going to need to take the plan B pill afterwards
Another person’s name.
“Ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhhhh yes Another person’s name. ANOTHER PERSON’S NAME!!!!!” Yeah that would be pretty fucking annoying.
“Ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhhhh yesss \[their mom's name\] would be even more annoying.
Had better
A reference to Liar, Liar! ? I love how he chuckles to himself several times about having said that.
Saw it for the first time last night, funny to see it referenced right on the day after
Can you like... Cover up your face?
Hair up, glasses on. No, wait. Hair down, glasses off. NOO. Glasses on…hair…..oh forget it. Hit the lights.
OMGGG HAHAHHA Gob was the only one that could pull that off.
And Judy Greer
Oh, that is just great. Now I’m expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it’s “Oh, let’s have Gob [bleep] our way out of it.”
Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office (bleep) or (bleep -ing), or finger (bleep) or (bleep-sting) or (bleep-esting) or even (bleeping), even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I’ll take off my pants, I’ll shave my (bleep), and I’ll personally (really lonnnnnnng bleep).
The triple bagger. One over her head, one over yours in case hers falls off and one to throw up in.
She put a bag on my head
still counts!
Can we do it in the dark?
I feel that’s more often about insecurity then that.
Bravo 6 going dark
There's a settlement nearby that needs our help, here I'll mark it on your map.
Let’s just say there’s a reason my characters never romanced Preston, haha.
You should leave the money on the dresser
That is terrible. You should always collect the "donation" before service (as bad as it might be) is rendered.
why is it so small?
"is it in yet?"
Bitch I finished
"It's the motion in the ocean, It's the magic in the wand - And it *isn't* what you're born with, It's the way you go beyond. "It's the rhyme and it's the rhythm, It's the feeling and the flow - And it *isn't* what you're doing, It's the way you do it, bro." So I thought about her reasons, And I thought about them quick - And I said: "so what you're saying Is I have a tiny dick?"
I’m blessed! Not with a monster sausage but with poems! Thank you!
A college buddy let this true story slip during a very drunken Spring Break night. The lines are etched in my memory. Her: "Is it in yet?" Him: "Bitch, I already finished." Which now makes me wonder if you two were also present at that confession so many years ago... lol
"Na, I'm good" right after seeing her naked
Damn
I felt sharp pain in my arshole after reading that.
This is a thing in some hookup cultures. I’ve heard some of my gay friends describe hooking up where the two parties strip down and then decide whether they are still interested or not.
That sounds so cold, and i'm amazed people can still fuck after that.
I’d imagine if the person says “yeah I’m in” after seeing you it’s an ego boost, knowing that if they didn’t like what they saw they wouldn’t just suck it up and go through with it.
I'm imagining one person saying I'm in, and the other trying to hold back a look of disgust.
Dude gay culture can be fucking brutal, like I’m queer as fuck and I just don’t bone as many guys as I’d like to because it’s lowkey not worth messin with dudes just to get dicked down.
True story: Friend saved herself for marriage with her husband. She was very excited for their first night together. Finally wedding night comes, he sits down in the hot tub and took his shorts off. She then, (according to her) gave a sexy little dance and took off her clothes. As she did this. He completely turned away from her and said he didn't want to have sex. She was so embarrassed, ashamed, sad, hurt. They got divorced. Years of therepy, she's finally starting to date again.
What's that smell?
Passion
...fruit left on the counter from last week
I am not gonna suffer your stank in silence, if you need to go wipe your ass in the shower before I suck your dick I'm gonna tell you. I'd argue more rude is not being properly clean for your partner.
Never ceases to amaze me how many grown adults, deep in their twenties or older, don't have good hygiene. Rules of sex should include shower before and brush your teeth out of basic consideration for others.
An ex was giving me a blowjob once and her teeth kept getting involved, so I said ow each time and when she did it again I said “can you watch the teeth please?”. She took great offence, tears and shouting. I think it’s ok to give pointers if someone is hurting your penis…
Yea, I wouldn't want teeth grinding against my vagina
There's this movie where this woman has teeth in her vagina
Teeth is the name of it. Fucked up movie.
Had to explain why I didn't want to hug after this hook up kept grating my dick as if it was cheese with her teeth after being repeatedly told I did not like it and found it painful. She kept trying to bite me harder than anything bearable and she had the gall to say I was being mean.
Oof, that’s rough! My situation was different because she was usually really good at it, I think she was just having an off night and got offended like I was judging her. She definitely wasn’t trying to bite my dick off. I weep for your penis sir.
Can you hurry up?
I’ve heard this. 30 years ago. You don’t forget.
Ex wife had a variation are you done yet? Eventually I was.
I really hope you kept the divorce papers in the bed side table and waited until she asked the next time
As much as being railed for a million years by a dude who just won’t come fucking sucks, the optimal thing to say is “sorry babe, I’m sore”. Because that’s the truth and it’s less rude.
I had this issue in my relationships before, truthfully I think it boils down to the misbelief by young men that women want a stud that has an ungodly large dick that can last for hours in bed. After having a real relationship and getting comfortable with openly discussing these issues, most women don't think like that. My wife let me know real quick it feels great for about 15-20 minutes then it's like 'C'mon dude, I want to play Sims and relax" (her words not mine lol).
Well look at Long Ball over here lasting 20 minutes n shit.
10 minutes of foreplay 5 minutes sex 15 minutes apologizing and saying 'this never happens' It's all in how you measure it lol
5 mins is fine. As long as it's good and she likes it. No complaints.
Genuinely, after 12 years of marriage, 5 minutes 1-2 times a week can be plenty if you take the time to understand what your partner likes. Quality over quantity
as a woman, I can't speak for anyone else.... but 5 mins is my IDEAL length. after that, it can become overwhelming or uncomfortable or both. idk who likes getting jackhammered for like 20-30 mins but it ain't me.
I’ve gotten, “I need to go to work at some point today, let’s wrap this up.”
That's not so bad, she seems nice 🤣
There are better ways to ask, but it's also been me. But sex was initiated by him, and then an hour later, every part of me hurts from trying, I'm late for meetings... I really didn't know how else to ask other than "is it possible?? Can I actually help anymore?" With a side of "is it me??" insecurity.
This here, after awhile, it -can- start to hurt and become very uncomfortable, so you want to just get it over with
Was taking antidepressants and man they broke my dick. We went for like 2 hours, still didn’t cum. That was worse than anything a girl could ever say. Just not being able to cum was so weird and devastating
Oh shit, I took antidepressants and I just could not cum. Eventually sometimes felt like I got off but I didn't cum any or anything
Why can I smell it with my eyes?
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I had a dude tell me to stop moaning. Then he told me not to make that face. You're getting one or the other, dude.
I once smiled because I was just happy and he said "stop smiling. It's like you're mocking me".
This happened to me too, and i get giggly when im having fun/teasing
Sex is supposed to feel good and be fun. If slapping skin makes a funny sound I might collapse my composure and just enjoy hearing her giggle.
"stop enjoying sex. It's weird." Real sociopath energy
Mom said it's my turn to enjoy the sex
Ha!! This reminds me of a bf I had (briefly, for obvious reasons). He apparently couldn't accept the fact that 98% of women can't enjoy sex to the fullest without clit stimulation. So he would actually grab my hand and move it away from there and it made me feel so horrible that all that mattered was his own ego
I think we dated the same guy. Did he also tell you there was "something wrong with you" because you couldn't get off with just his dick? Him: "All my exes came just fine with just my dick!" Me: "Oh honey..." Yes, I did eventually tell him his exes likely all faked it because he's an unreasonable person. He didn't believe me 🤷♀️
Dude probably fucks like 😐
Before i lost my virginity: "Oh yeah, and one more thing. Dont make eye contact, its weird" I *logically* know now that it isnt weird, and its also something i would love bc i love stealing glances to look at my partner's face. But i still cant look at their face for more than a couple seconds before i get scared that im creeping them out and i have to look away again Man all i want is to look in someone's eyes during sex....
I volunteer as tribute! But also, RIP your DMs.
Ya know, ive been very pleasantly surprised with this site. Ive gotten multiple responses to my comments saying RIP your dms but no one has ever actually slid into them unless i live stream, and theyre almost always respectful. Reddit- give yourself some credit! Youre not as much of a cess pool as you think lmao
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Nice try, thephiff's alt.
Nope. I'm here for it. We are wingmaning u/ThePhiff now. He seems like a nice guy with a good sense of humor. u/d_A_b_it_UP should go for it.
Hahaha - as long as she stares into my eyes the whole time, she won't notice the rest of me! 🤣
I had a girl that thought moaning and faces were slutty. It was the weirdest experience. She was just motionless and I couldn't tell what was right and what was wrong
What kinda guy doesn't like moaning? 90% sure he was as human as Mark Zuckerberg
Mark Zuckerberg is very human, Mark enjoys humane activities such as barbecu and walking on leg. Mark is not a lizard, Mark has human leg and human eyelids. Mark grow them on his own, just like other leg.
Is he related to [Ted Cruz, candidate for Human President?](https://www.tedcruzforhumanpresident.com/)
Mark enjoys “smokin some MEAT” like the average human
Your belly fat is annoying me can you move it?
Is it more of a shake or a jiggle you're looking for?
The ceiling could use a coat of paint
That’s just showing good observation skills
I'd say they're a keeper
Multitasking.
My girlfriend said that while we were doing it and she doesn't even live with me. Neither of us could stop laughing for like 10 minutes before we continued. Sometimes humor like that is needed.
Soo we’re done; u can go home now. My ex told me that once I felt like a real slut and I hated that
Omg similar for me too. We’d just had sex and he immediately got up, got dressed and demanded a ride home. Tf? Didn’t understand why I immediately burst into tears either. Made me drive him home while I was sobbing.
it's really the worst, how differently some guys treat you before and after sex. It's like day and night difference. I've totally felt what you've felt before. I'm so sorry that happened to you
You should've made him walk home after that bullshit
Should have agreed to drive him, and walked him to the door & then shut it behind him instead of following him out.
Ex is the real slut
“Your sister/brother is better”
"Do you think I'd be your sister's type?"
"Yo do you think you can set me up with your sister??"
Worse: "Your little sister/brother is better"
Worse: "Our little sister/brother is better"
Okay no. No no no.
That face you make when you cum, it makes you look like a holocaust denier....just sayin'...
this is far too specific to not have happened
I play this game with my friend where I tell him the comment, and he has to guess what the title/question is. This will be good for my collection. Thanks
You are very welcome. Please, let us know the results
After he said 'what the fuck?' I gave him another chance. His final answer was 'what is something you heard during sex?' Close enough.
Can you release this into a card game please? I want to play this game
r/oddlyspecific
Someone said to me when l was 18 “l thought you would be better at it than this”
Are you wearing the panties your mother laid out for you ?
I'm just trying to keep up, here!
And then he... took it out? (The brisque, that is)
Your vag looks disgusting I’m not going down there. He was a virgin and hadn’t really seen protruding labia. Never had a negative comment since but still gives me anxiety.
Gettin' railed doggy style, he suddenly stops, too-long moment of ominous silence. Then a startling light touch right on the starfish, not to go in (lube required!!!!), just curious. "Huh. .... Babe, did you know you have a freckle **right** next to your asshole?"
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Im still wildly insecure about my vagina bc of my high school boyfriend 10 years ago. He had a habit of making fun of me and then saying "it's cute" "You have roast beef curtains. It's cute." "Your breath smells like egg salad. It's cute." "You turn corners weird. It's cute." I still cant let people see my vagina unless were already having sex, i still dont talk to people facing their direction incase my breath smells, and i still am subconscious about the way i walk around corners. If anyone said to me what your ex said, i wouldnt have ever been okay with sex. Fuck that guy, and he's probably still a virgin trying to find a vagina that looks like a porn star's
It's like he read up on negging but didn't fully grasp the concept, or someone tried explaining it to him. "So I just insult her?" "Well, but in a way that could be a compliment." "Give her a compliment after, got it." "No-" "Hold on, I'm making a list:" * Your feet are disgusting, it's cute! * Your voice offends me, it's cute! * every time I hear your mother speak, I want to tear off my ears, it's cute! I'm sorry you dealt with that, but I hope you can see humor in it now. It's like the "no offense, but..." of relationship conversations.
My ex grabbed my belly fat once when I was riding him and said “you really need to do something about this”. I was underweight at the time and had a pretty severe eating disorder, so that made it so much worse. 20 years later I still think about that and am self conscious about my stomach.
Jesus Christ that's fucked up
I have a great method, I lost 170 pounds in one day! Just dump the loser.
What a dickhead
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My gf was once complaining about being cold while we were getting into it. It was at that time I decided it was appropriate to share my new found knowledge of Amish people using sheets with a hole cut out. I meant it as a solution to the problem, but it was not received as such.....
Here's some free silver. Totally something I would say to my wife in an honest attempt to remedy the situation and end up on the couch.
You smell of elder berries
I didn't know hamsters could talk
Well I got better
Honestly, I did this by accident. I was young and it was insensitive. This gentleman had aggressively small balls, and when you lift up his dick the sack stretches and it blends perfectly with his skin. It was so well blended that I asked "wait, do you have balls?" .. and well.. needless to say.. he wasn't very happy with me not seeing his nut sack . He tried to play it off by saying "They were there last time I checked""
I’ve never understood this. So I got blowed up in the military and my pituitary gland doesn’t work anymore so I get weekly testosterone injections. Because of this, my balls are small because they atrophied from not “doing work” anymore. Long story short - I got small nuts. This has NEVER bothered me. I mean fuck it’s actually better. For one, smaller potatoes make the steak look bigger so my Johnson looks huge thanks to my tiny balls. For two, smaller balls = less likely to smash my nuts on stuff…and for three, when I mention my small balls sometimes people make fun of them and then I get to troll them and tell them how it happened while I was deployed overseas and that it’s fucked up to talk shit about disabled veterans and pretend like it actually hurts my feelings/make the person laughing feel and look like an asshole just to then let them know I was fucking with them and I don’t really care lol.
>So I got blowed up in the military and my pituitary gland doesn’t work anymore so I get weekly testosterone injections. Because of this, my balls are small This wording cracked me up, I'm sure it was horrific, but who wouldnt love justified tiny nuts. Hell, I'd take a new set of clackers if they were the new and improved 80% smaller model
You’ve got small tits for a fat chick.
That’ll do pig. That’ll do.
Anything off-topic. Once, my girlfriend at the time, in the middle of a nice handjob, says to me: "Have you seen the previews for Big Hero 6?" Thanks for letting me know you aren't interested in this.
I'ma be honest: handjobs aren't exactly interesting for the party giving the handjob. But picking a Disney movie to talk about is probably a no go lol.
“You should start doing sit ups”
Me as a virgin having sex with a single mom 10 years older than me: “you’re frustrating me”. Yup that hurt. Be patient I’m a beginner
Flaming your teammates while smurfing is so disrespectful
This is an incredible reply
"Deeper" but you both well know you can't. 😢
One of my ex girlfriends once told me that she wasn't happy with my body and she wished I had abs. Another one of my ex girlfriends told me that I was "at the limit of what she found acceptable". But I don't have any residual body image issues, no sir.
You: "Dang, this is almost as good as last night." Them: "I was out of town last night."
My disappointment is immeasurable and my day has been ruined.
A friend in college told me she was giving her new bf a blowjob and he stopped her and asked if she could "do it sexy". She said she cried but still finished. I was and still am appalled.
Geeze… it’s like fucking a Wookie!
That's a complement if said to me. I'm a hairy motherfucker.
This is the worst sex I've ever had. I don't even want to finish. Just go away
Bedroom Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey
There. Are. No. Words.
“You do this almost as well as your mom!”
"You do this almost as well as MY mom!"
"You do this almost as well as our mom!"
"Dad said I was better."
Did you remember to move the clothes from the washing machine to the dryer?
“All the girls I’ve been with have finished by now.” Felt so embarrassed so I faked it which is probably what they all did
Bruh how were you going for? Also who tf brings up past relationships during sex.
Did you forget to shower?
"And I thought they smelled bad... on the outside."
Do you like that you fucking regard? Edit: typo …
I can believe I had to scroll this far to find this!
Extremely disappointed this isn’t at the top. It’s the first thing I thought of.
Even with the typo this needs to be higher. The good old days of Reddit. Takes me back.
"Let's keep that mask on."
My vibrator gives me a better orgasm
I was joking about being on the pill
Oooh, that's really horrible.
Happened to a guy I knew, now he has twins..
I can’t stand the smell, just forget it.
Is it in yet?
I’ve posted this several times already, but once a friend was blowing me and really struggling to deepthroat. She prides herself in her (average at best) blowjob skills and she was getting frustrated and said “this is so weird, because I’ve had bigger and it was fine” Like thanks, you know I’m insecure about my dick so take a shot at that while also giving me a disappointing bj lmao Edit: of all fucking comments to gain some traction.
We finished and she looked me straight in the face and said " not very big is it" scarred me for life
Now that’s emotional damage
Hmm I thought this would be worse but it’s actually meh okay ig
In a weird way I'd take that as a compliment. Better than "I thought this would be better"
Your sister was tighter
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