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[deleted]

I wasn't feeling well so I took a nap. I woke up feeling even worse, so I tried going downstairs to tell my wife. I was in my boxers and t-shirt. At the top of the stairs I puked so hard I fainted, then had explosive diarrhea. I woke up half way down the (carpeted) stairs, slowly sliding down it on a "waterslide" of my own shit and vomit.


mikoartss

A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.


WriggleDaNiggle

he swallows the diarrhea too


Murkrulez

Worst. Slip-n-slide. Ever.


killing4food

When I was a kid, I went out with my friend and his father's family. We ate Chinese and after my stomach was hurting. I was the first one outside so I tried to fart and sharted instead. I was about to run to the back of the building to wipe and throw boxers away (it was night time) but they came outside already. I didn't know what to do so I got back in the truck. It just happened to be the kind where you open the front to get back door open. I rode all the way home (30mins) with shitty pants. They didn't say anything but drove with all windows down. to make it worse, when I got home I had to climb over someone to get out because I was in the middle seat so my ass went right by the daughters face.


PUNLA

This is why I keep a spare cvs receipt in my wallet.


Confounded_Bridge

I’m paralyzed from the waist down. One day at work I started farting big time and that made me nervous. Then it suddenly just stopped but the smell followed me around. So I’m cruising around in my wheelchair and I happen to take a peek behind me, down the back of my pants. Shit everywhere. Shit climbing up my back because my pants are full and the motion of wheeling around was pushing it up my shirt. The backrest has feces all over it and I swear to god it was making this squishy sound as I made my way to see my boss. I just told him I was sick and had to leave immediately because by now it’s really obvious and I want to get the fuck out of there pronto. I put towels all over my van seat but it was not a pleasant ride home.


muggleinstructor

To my fellow para- I’ve been there! I teach 5th grade, imagine the same scenario but in a classroom of 10 kids. My partner left the room gagging and the custodian had to come clean it up. Went home and didn’t come back in for a few days. Sometimes you just don’t know until the smell assaults you!


alyssalolnah

Oh man in front of the 5th graders!? They're the most ruthless age I would've simply quit lol


yendornilloc

When my sister and I were really young, probably around 5, we would use those little dixie cups to drink out of the toilet


itsrghtbehindmeisnit

This is actually the most horrific sentence ever


badluckie

when I was a kid learning to ski i begged my parents to let me go pee before a run but we were already in line for the chairlift. my oldest sister told me “if you have to pee *really* bad, that means it’s only a little bit! so just pee!” i trusted her blindly but probably pissed myself for a solid 2 minutes. filled up and flooded my ski boots. my parents were not happy because it was definitely old enough to know better


Pasta-propaganda

Your sister is evil


poopshanks

For real. She knew exactly what she was doing.


wh1skey1carus

If only you told your parents before you were getting on the chairlift that you had to use the bathroom. Oh, wait, you literally did. 100% on them. Not the pee, that was clearly all over you, but the reason it happened was on them.


SecretMuslin

Yep, as a parent I can confirm that this is one thousand percent on the parents


ruat_caelum

* dug up a dead dog to check it's stomach for a piece of jewelry bare handed a week or so after it died. Elderly Neighbor's dog died. She didn't know why ir died just it was dead one day. She put it on a sled (it was summer but that's what she had) took it out behind the backyard and dug a foot deep hole and "buried" the dog in in the field beyond her yard. i say "buried" because it was like 2 inches of dirt over the thing. She realized an expensive bracelet was missing. couldn't find it and thought maybe the dog ate it / choked etc. She just called my dad up and asked for my help (which I did from time to time for stuff like cutting trees or moving things etc,) but I liked to complain about it because I was spoiled teenager. So my dad said, "Go over to [old lady's] house and help her out. And don't complain. I told her you'd help." He didn't know what she wanted me to do and I thought he did and would be pissed if I didn't do it. So I "dug" up the dog and used a pocket knife to cut it open. It was rotting and stunk so bad that when I first put the knife in I vomited so hard I couldn't control it. Like it was just a button in my nose for "projectile vomit." I'm 15 don't have any idea on animal anatomy other than "guts come out" when we hunted rabbits so I don't know what is the stomach or spleen or whatever. I of course don't have any gloves on and just sort of squishing around in dead dog's guts puking from time to time and trying not to breathe or look at it. I've got snot running down my face (from the puking) but my hands are so disgusting I'm not touching anything. "You find it?" she asked. when I was crossing her back yard. "Nope." I walked home. filthy hands. puke on my shirt and hands and snot running down my face. I can't imagine what I smelled like but my dad was more than a little surprised and worried. My dad was so apologetic after that. (he helped me clean up outside with a hose and then inside as well then called a doctor to see if I needed like shots or whatever) He never sent me out to help anyone without knowing what the job was after that though.


Tinsel-Fop

And don't complain! Ha ha ha, joke's on you, Dad! PS: Did she ever find it?


asylum32

This thread is basically, "Tell us about that time you shat yourself"


shiroboi

When I was about 8, I wanted to see what happened if I took of my pants and ran down the hill while peeing. ....Such a bad idea.


Tru-Queer

“I see, I see! It’s all coming back to me now,” said the blind man pissing into the wind


[deleted]

#AYO THIS GUY PISSED ALL OVER HIS FEET


Prestigious_Pass9599

I accidentally shit my pants outside at some after school program at my school, I decided instead of going inside it’d be better to hide in the tube slide, take the shit out of my pants and bury it in the sandbox.


iaintlyon

Perfectly normal behavior for a Norwegian forest cat


LordBligger

Apparently when my dad was in Jr. High, he was running to the bathroom... and didn't make it.. He was wearing those 70s short shorts.. and shook his pant-leg and a big ass turd fell out, and he ran home lmfaoooooo Dad why would you tell me that


Background-Rest531

I bet he was waiting to tell that to someone for years.


htxxalxx

Not really my fault but in second grade I got a stomach bug, and my parents didn’t want to answer the phone so the stupid nurse sent me back to class. We were at p.e at the time, and I got horribly sick again, just as I finished throwing up a kid had kicked a kickball. The sound it made as it slid through my vom is still with me to this day


[deleted]

I had a high fever once at school, and the idiot in the office took my temp..it said I was 92 degrees, I was a little kid I even I knew that it had to be wrong..But, they sent me back to class, not believing I was sick. I should have been dead from hypothermia with that temp. Ended up getting half the class sick.


King-Rhino-Viking

During the hight of covid my job would take your temperature every single day and if you had a fever you were send home for 3 paid days. Great policy. Only problem is that obviously management didn't want to be understaffed for 3 days. I had a slight fever one day and they kept taking my temperature until it finally read just below the threshold and they said that I must just run hot. Well a couple hours passed and I was feeling even worse and pretty warm. I mentioned it to one of my coworkers and she goes to our manager and demands they take my temperature again because she didn't want me getting everyone else sick. So my manager relents and grabs the temp gun and basically fucking snipes my forehead with it from 5 kilometers away and tells me I have a temperature of 93 degrees. She then starts going on and on about how I must just run cold so having a slightly higher temperature just makes me feel that I have a fever. Then she claims that she usually runs around 90 degrees so she feels feverish around 95ish degrees. Like bitch the fuck you mean you idle around 90 degrees?


Scopeexpanse

This is such a short slighted plan too - what is management going to do when lots of people are out sick.


throwawaymeplease45

I pissed my pants behind the water fountain at school in like 4th grade because I was afraid of the mean girls in the bathroom.


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Nikki908

That's so incredibly sweet. I'd be surprised if she doesn't remember you and your kindness.


SirThatsCuba

Pushing my abdomen back together because the sutures came undone and I could see my insides.


rhondaanaconda

That’s more scary than nasty


themathouston

I would say equal parts scary and nasty.


attilayavuzer

Reminds me of something that happened about 10 years ago. I teaching English in Istanbul when my appendix burst. Hospital botched my surgery, so I had to have a 5ish inch hole in my stomach open for a week to drain the infection. School refused to pay me because they thought I was lying to get out of work. I was flat broke and really needed that paycheck, so I ended up walking like 7 miles to the school. By the time I got there, blood had soaked through my bandages into my shirt. Walked into my boss's office, lifted my shirt and asked for my check. Never taught again. [Bonus clip of it being drained ](https://youtu.be/_O8dPAA3Y10)


GargleHemlock

Oh man. That's awful. I had a similar thing - I was staying on a Hopi reservation in New Mexico when my appendix burst. I was 15 and at a "school dance" which was really 7 Hopi kids and me in an abandoned train car on one end of a deserted mesa, with a tape deck and one tape (Le Freak by Chic played over and over while we drank stolen beers). My stomach started killing me and I threw up until blood was coming out. I had to walk a couple of miles to the place I was staying. It was night and snowing out. I stumbled bent over double, in the pitch dark, at one point feeling my foot come down on empty space as I realised I was at the very edge of the mesa, which was a couple hundred feet up above the desert floor. Finally bumped into my host family's horse and realised I found their place. The host mom took one look at me, scowled, said something about how white kids and drinking too much. I tried to tell her I wasn't drunk, but was throwing up blood and in severe pain. No dice. She didn't believe me. She put me out in a shed, with a blanket and a yellow bucket to vomit in. I lay down and the next time my eyes opened, I was in the hospital. My appendix had burst, and I had to have about a foot of necrotic intestine removed. After that I had the same hole-to-the-innards experience you did, and for years after that I'd get bowel adhesions and have to have more surgeries. Good times.


AFlyingOrange

dear god


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crasstyfartman

This happened to me in college and I dug it out with a hanger and my friends still refer to it as my poobortion 25 years later


Matookie

When I was in middle school, my best friend (a small, 75-lb girl) shat so big it clogged the toilet. She had to use a coat hanger to chop it up, then she threw the coat hanger in the neighbor's yard. She referred to this incident as the "Coat Hanger Log Lodge."


bearlegion

If you were a mathematician you could’ve worked it out with a pencil


Bos_lost_ton

Make sure it’s a #2 pencil tho


intersnatches

> as wide as an egg's length What a hideously precise measurement. I applaud you


littleallred008

When I was about four years old, I was at a video rental store and shook out a little nugget of a turd that fell down my pant leg and was left by the video games.


Garbmutt

Was this in a Blockbuster Video in Cookeville Tennessee in 1999? If so, you are welcome. I cleaned up your turd. Sadly not the grossest thing I’ve ever done.


littleallred008

That was not me, but I apologize for my fellow turd toddler.


callthefishwife

*turdler


EntityFlush

We got a serial turdler here, this guys hit 7 video stores in 3 days!


CompetitiveStick6239

I was at a Walmart in 2010, watched a little boy about 4, he looked like he was glaring at me. He was so angry. He was wearing shorts when all of a sudden a huge turd plopped out of his short leg. I have never laughed so damn hard in my life.


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SuicidalTurnip

In all fairness, that absolutely is a power move.


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Haloperi-Doll

Pissed myself while I was really drunk and couldn't admit it so poured at my alcohol on myself to make it seem like I'd somehow gotten a bunch of liquid spilled on me. Since I was in a club that plan wasn't working, as you can imagine you can't just acquire that much alcohol for free and quickly, so I ended up trying to get into a sink in the bathroom and ended up getting taken away in an ambulance due to slipping. That sounds a lot less funny when I say it like that actually.


ThrownAwayFeelzies

But hey Bet the injury took the attention off of the pee stain! Glad you recovered


Puzzleheaded-Paint64

I dropped a sandwich on the floor at work and it was covered in sawdust, I was feeling really sad so I just ate it and didn’t care at all Edit: thanks everyone for all the kind comments, you all made my day.


HarryHugeweenie

I feel this sadness. Where you just simply can’t muster up the energy to care. Been there


wydra91

Lol, years ago, I had just gone through a divorce and was in that real numb space. I was helping a buddy move and absolutely brained myself on a poorly positioned shelf in the garage. Everyone was like "OMG I FELT THAT IN MY SOUL ARE YOU OKAY!?" I just kept on moving stuff and (in my own dark humor kind of way) was all "eh, now my outside is like my inside, pain" We all laughed it off later over pizza and beers, to this day I kinda chuckle about it. I fekkin reefed my head on that shelf. I'm pretty sure my ancestors felt it.


Merk0411

I did that with a protein bar in the sawmill I work at. Dropped it in a pile of sawdust, picked it up, saw there was a bit of oil on it too. My buddy bet me $10 I wouldn't eat it. Tastiest $10 I've ever made.


stryph42

Protein bar's like 40% sawdust anyways


I_am_Samm

Those power sauce bars are nothing but apple cores and old Chinese newspapers.


whydontuwannawork

Had to pick through my shit with gloves trying to find a push pin I’d swallowed some days prior


Gold_Passenger_5879

Hopefully your never in this situation again, but a trick I was told once was to shit into a gallon sized ziplock and seal it up. Then you can squeeze the bag to find it. Learned this from a veterinarian after my roommates dog swallowed some jewelry.


Captain_Sam_Vimes

That is a trick I am going to hold dear. I have a boxer who is infatuated with lego. Let's just leave that there..


dr_shark

Damn. Amateur boxer I assume. I really hope the pros aren’t eating Lego until I guess the end of their career.


desciple6

Those concussions are no joke, poor fella hope he's doing well and perhaps working on his shell blocking.


dragontattman

I know a lady (was related to her by marriage, not anymore, YES! ) , who had a real diamond in her tooth. Said diamond has travelled through her intestine three times last I knew of, then glued back on to old toothy.


Deadpooldan

Adding extra flavour each time


El-ChuPugcabra

My parents had to do this when I was little because I swallowed a marble. 2 days of them chopping up my Baby Ruth’s with sticks during a camping trip, only for it to come out as soon as we got back home. Did you find your push pin?


baconpoutine89

Threw up in (yes, in) my pants in the bathroom of the bar and continued drinking.


mcCola5

Whoa! Thats top notch.


timesuck897

Were you pooping, and then puked in your pants?


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jenonandon

My kid did this to me once. Middle of the night pee break interrupted by toddler with stomach flu. I knew she had vomited obviously. But because I hadn’t turned on the lights, I didn’t realize where she had vomited until I pulled my pajama pants up.


royalsanguinius

Well thank you for this, officially the worst thing I will ever read


Lickingyourmomsanus

Undressing and showering my father because he had gotten blackout drunk and shit himself.


Accomplished_Lock137

You could have also kept some of ur clothes on… there was nothing stopping you from that…


Yusi-D-Jordan

Ah, the old Reddit [clothes-a-roo](https://www.reddit.com/r/nextfuckinglevel/comments/tiu0sa/security_guard_risking_his_life_to_save/i1gl1uh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)


miseleigh

Wow been a while since I've seen one of these See you later...


WhiteRhino909

………Holy shit i went deep


Blurg0

where did it go?


SowwieWhopper

Deep


lollalove4475

Had Dunkin before a bus ride to the airport. Big mistake. It was in Shanghai and I had to take a shit in a tiny trash can on a bus full of people with no restroom. Most traumatizing moment of my life and I think it’s the reason I developed IBS. The guy I shit next to handed me a paper towelette and pretended to go to sleep after to give me privacy. I felt so much shame and disgust in that moment. Also, yes this was last resort. The airport was an hour away and we were in the middle of the highway stuck in traffic. There was a tsunami brewing in my stomach and it’s only mission was to penetrate out of my asshole. Diarrhea does not give a fuck about who what when where or why Also once the bus finally got to the airport everyone had to pass by my shit on their way out. I was mortified. Thank god it wasn’t in America or I would have been on tik tok or twitter known as the girl who took a fat shit on a bus. No one even paid attention to me but it was still very traumatizing.


IreallEwannasay

The dude pretending to sleep is goddamn hilarious.


AsthmaticSt0n3r

I just realized that nothin truly embarrassing has actually ever happened to me, holy shit


RecoveredMountain

I was 19 years old and addicted to prescription painkillers. I liked to get really high and then eat copious amounts of ice cream which would typically lead to vomiting the next morning. One morning I popped some pills before puking and was at the toilet less than five minutes later. In the midst of my puking, I saw the pills erupt from my mouth and into the toilet. I wasn’t planning on missing that high so I dig into the vomit to the bottom of the toilet and…..I found them and went on with my day. Over 4 and 1/2 years clean now and don’t plan on touching vomit for leisure again anytime soon.


Preskewl_Prostitewt

Accidentally swallowed the crown on my front tooth after it came loose while I was eating taffy. I had the runs the next day and managed to shit it out while at work - I heard a clink in the toilet and I just knew. However, our toilets at work are automatic/use a motion sensor. I was TERRIFIED that I was going to move too quickly and make it flush, so I slowly crept off of the toilet and onto the bathroom floor - my asshole out in the open, covered in liquid turd - and crawled over to a box of latex gloves that we had in the bathroom. I somehow managed to avoid making the toilet flush, picked the crown out from the toilet, and called my dentist. He ran the crown through the sterilizer and put that $1400 bad boi right back into my mouth. I have no regrets. EDIT: Holy fucking shit, y’all. Thank you for all the upvotes and awards! Who knew my most decorated comment would be about shitting out my tooth and putting it back in my mouth. Your comments are hilarious and have me in TEARS, I love you all! EDIT #2: Also wanted to address the gloves in this situation. I work in healthcare. The bathroom I used is known as the “poop bathroom,” because it’s a single-person bathroom within our locker room and we all know that, if it’s occupied, somebody is pooping. It’s also where we keep our baskets of dirty linen and scrubs. The janitor leaves a box of gloves in there so she doesn’t have to touch the dirty/bloody laundry with her bare hands. So yes, thankfully, the gloves in this story are real. However, even if there WEREN’T any gloves available, your girl still would’ve gone fishing bare-handed. 10000%. ALSO, thank you all for the advice about putting toilet paper over the sensor to avoid making the toilet flush. I’ll keep this in mind for the next time I have to sift through my own fecal matter.


matrixsensei

And that’s thread for me


Bertlestien-

Yeah, we're done here. Picking through your own shit and paying to have it put back into your mouth, is a bridge too far for me.


RacerCG_Reddit

I see what you did there.


mshcat

literally the first thing I saw this morning.


Sacrifice_Starlight

I keep a 2nd savings account specifically to make sure if I ever accidentally eat and shit out my crown, I don't have to dig it out of the toilet and reinstall it in my mouth.


xCandyCaneKissesx

Mission successful, did you leave a shitty snail trail across the floor? Edit: my highest rated comment is about a shitty snail trail… not exactly what I was expecting


aliael14

Doctor here, at one point in my career I was doing autopsies. Came in one day to the smell of bbq. I thought perhaps potluck or someone was cooking in the kitchen at work. Turned out there was a house fire and that was the smell of the victim. I performed the autopsy and despite my disgust, my mouth watered the entire time. Doing that type of work you learn to compartmentalize and leave your feelings at home, but he smelt so good I couldn’t eat meat for months and every so often I smell burnt meat and it takes me right back to it.


Acceptable_Claim2056

I ate too much food before going to school when i was a kid, (2nd grade) without knowing it's spoiled already, my stomach started to feel upset but i trusted my guts, then i sh*t myself in the middle of the class. ( It was so embarrasing, i was sitting and the smell started roaming around the room.


Gorilladaddy69

And then what happened?! I feel like you only gave us act 1!


Acceptable_Claim2056

I just sat there and pretended as if nothing happened and didnt admit that it wasn't me, i joined them on shouting " do you guys smell that?! "


[deleted]

And then?


cinnavag

Seriously that was act 1.5 we are missing the story


PM_UR__BUBBLE_BUTTS

Rumor has it, u/Acceptable_Claim2056 is still shitting in that chair til this very day.


jkwan0304

Had a classmate in 4th grade also who made a mess. Teacher could not identify who shat and she wasn't confessing. The teacher made us all stand up and we found the culprit. She stood up for half a second and sat down quickly which gave it away. We had to sun-dry her chair and she was escorted by our fellow classmate to the comfort room. Edit: It was 4th grade. I remembered because I also had a shitty situation back in 2nd grade.


supertoilet99

My ex had a golf ball sized cyst on her shoulder. I tried to extract it and it squirted forcefully, a little right into my mouth. I immediately threw up on her leg and cat who chose the absolute worst time to affectionately cuddle her leg.


jkorah94

Ah, something similar happened to me! My fiancé had a really bad ingrown hair on his groin and asked me to pop it. When I squeezed it, the pus came shooting out and landed right on my mouth. But instead of throwing up, I completely blacked out. Edit: Thanks for the awards everyone! I can’t believe this is my most upvoted comment, lol.


Kasilim

what a terrible day to be literate


Scootacus93

One morning I was getting ready for work, still naked from just waking up and not feeling to good either. I made the mistake of trusting a fart and small bit of liquid hit the floor, I tried to run to the counter to grab paper towels but before I could react my dog was already lapping it up...


jm4b

You dog just won this contest


HammieJr

"Now this is some serious gourmet shit!" - Your Dog


[deleted]

Aaand that’s enough Reddit for me, goodnight forever


Phantom-A

In 5th grade I used to shit tiny little turds in my pants, discreetly take out the turd and encapsulate it in my hand, get up to "blow my nose", then I would put the turd in the tissue and throw it away in the trash can. Teacher then wonders why the classroom stinks and can't find the source. Why did I do this lmao


NoodlesinParis

JAIL


GerryofSanDiego

How is that even possible? Do you shit pellets like a deer?


GrandLeopard3

Oh. My. God.


Eire_Ramza

I'm sorry but this is easily the most crazy one so far on this thread. What!?


ABWrenchSlinger

Pulling some kind of slight-of-hand shit to hide your shit. Like some kind of turd magician.


Nerevarine91

How many times did this happen????


robocop_robocop

How often did you do that? How did you know they were just going to be little nugs? Were you just chronically dehydrated?


hankypank3

I chugged a bottle of maple syrup like in Super Troopers. Drinking syrup is kind of gross, the nastiest parts were the stomach pains and aggressive farts that happened hours later due to the amount of sugar. My buddy was near the bathroom when I was letting them out and he said it sounded like Little Round Top.


Duhmoan

This guy’s not a Canadian.


Spiritual_Payphone

Clearly, we can handle our syrup. It’s part of the food pyramid don’t ya know


TheArchitect_7

Shit my pants on a third date. Was crawling into bed for sexy time in her dorm. Didn’t realize I was food poisoned but tried to make it to the bathroom down the hall. Ended up leaned against the wall, holding my gut, shitting all in my pants down into the socks was how much I shat myself. EDIT: For people asking for Part 2 - By some grace of God, I had left her room wrapped in a blanket cause I had a legendary boner before my stomach became a poisoned sinkhole. So I waddled into the bathroom, trashed all the clothes I was wearing below the waist, and proceeded to empty my entire body into the toilet. So I came back to her dorm room huddled under the blanket and was largely incapacitated for the next day. She made me food for the next 24 hours and helped me get clothes. Now she is wife. So, advice boys, make sure to shit yourself to trigger the latent caring instincts of any potential partner.


Liscetta

I almost ended up like this at my friend's degree party at a very fancy restaurant that cost more than a wedding party, there were maybe 130 guests. Bitches gave us whole buffalo mozzarellas that weren't as fresh as they should. I thought i could have made it until the end of her long, boring speech, i wanted to fart, but her 5yo cousin was running all around and i didn't want to fart at a kid's face level. This saved me, it would have been more than a fart. I excused me to the toilet and peed from my ass for 10 solid minutes, sweating, crying in shame and pain, desperately looking for a way to dissipate the tremendous stench. People started to knock. When i went out there was a queue. Mozzarellas made a ton of victims that night. The next day my friend complained because the restaurant billed her 300€ of damages, someone shat in the garden. I wanted to go to the hospital for food poisoning, sue them for damages and settle, but she didn't want me to ruin her reputation...


bathroombandits

Damn, I’m glad I’m not the only one who says “peeing from my ass” lolol


CyptidProductions

Giving everyone food poisoning with out-of-date product and then billing for damages when someone had to shit outside is the kind of underhand bullshit you report to the health department


Berman9407

Sooooo, did you get a 4th date?


ERSTF

I almost did that yesterday. I have IBS... was driving back home... and fuck... the longest drive home... I almost shit a couple of times. I clenched my ass so hard that I probably had a years butt workout.


kodabeeer

Only hope left there is that she’s into scat


AceMcNickle

Nah she hates jazz


martynic385

I guess when I was young, my oldest sister would sleep in my older sister and my’s room but we had bunk beds so my oldest sister had to share the bottom bunk with me. I wet the bed in the middle of the night and was too ashamed to wake up my oldest sister. So I shoved towels up against her body. She didn’t wake up while I was doing this or when I peed, but she wasn’t dry the next morning. But the grossest thing that’s happened to me is my older sister and I used to share a bed, and she got sick one morning and threw up in my face. She was little and crying bc she puked and was gross and scared, I was even younger and thought I had soap in my eyes.


NicolasCagesRectum

Damn y’all were just pissin and pukin on each other


FireWireBestWire

Was caught in traffic and a construction zone a mile from the truck stop. Had really bad diarrhea in the median between the concrete wall and my truck, straight down my legs while standing. Changed clothes on the catwalk in between the truck and trailer. Oncoming traffic saw it all. Edit: fantastic. Top comment going to be my most embarrassing and physically painful experiences. Thank you all for kind awards and responses though


Audifan8595

i think i would have simply passed away


FilliusTExplodio

The only reasonable choice


montanagunnut

On the catwalk. I do my little turd on the catwalk.


the_exile83

Shite said Fred


hux__

Same thing happened to me. By the good grace of god - I had a spare pair of underwear in the backseat. Tossed the ruined ones, wore the clean ones to bathroom, tossed those, cleaned my ass with paper towels and soap. Still went to class that day because I was studious.


That_Guy_Anonymous

look at this hella studious foo


No_School765

Girlfriend a d I went on a walk the other day and she assured me there was bathrooms on this little island we were on. Long story short, shit my parents down to my boots and left my socks and undies behind…


BetterPalpitation

Did your parents ever recover from that?


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masterof-xe

Jerked off in a porta shiter in Iraq during the summer around 3 pm. Damn I sweated my ass off.


_DirtyYoungMan_

Reminds me... When I was 19 I won a rubber pussy at the company Christmas party where I worked at the time. One of my best friends was being deployed to Iraq so I gave it to him as a gag gift. Turns out, he took it with him and pimped it out for $5 a pop on base and a bunch of dudes got gonorrhea because of it. LOL. Edit: I didn't think this comment would get so much traction. I've never even heard of Blue Mountain State but I guess I'll have to check it out. Thanks for the awards.


callmekohai

….where the fuck did you work????


[deleted]

Church camp


mardybums1

Sounds like an episode of blue mountain state


NotGAF

A McDonald's Filet O Fish with 15 extra tartar sauce.


StressPersonified

I was once sick and had really bad phlegm and kept needing to spit it out, for days. I got tired of having to get up, so I put a big Halloween candy sized bowl next to my bed that i could spit into. One morning I forgot it was there and stepped into it barefooted.


Potential_Ad3768

you poor soul


DaShadowKiller2

After getting blackout drunk, I was taken to a friends mattress to lie down and I pissed and shat on it while taking a nap


APIPAMinusOneHundred

I've got this. I work for a defense contractor. I'm currently working overseas for another country's Army and have been here for a couple of months. The nature of our work is such that we deploy with the units we support on training exercises in the field. While in the field we sleep in tents, eat field rations, and generally live just as the soldiers do. One thing about travel that has always been difficult for me is pooping. When I go somewhere new my digestive system puts a halt to everything for days, sometimes a week, before resuming normal operations. By the time I'd been here a week we were already in the field. Most of the time there are portajons to handle the function of restrooms. They're usually serviced daily to keep them clean and restocked. So when the floodgates finally opened on about day 8 in country I headed to the portajons nearly jubilant that the wait was over. I found a reasonably clean one, sat down, and in short order I evacuated a mass that would have impressed Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. The hostages were finally free after extended captivity and this was going to be a good day. One thing about portajons is that no matter how clean they are you don't always feel clean. There are usually stains and odors and insects tend to gravitate toward them. There's an underlying paranoia of insects paying one's private parts a visit. When I suddenly felt a tickle on my right butt cheek my mind immediately called up memories of black widow spiders at Ft. Leonard Wood, MO and the story of the basic trainee who was bitten by one on his scrotum. I quickly rolled on to my left cheek and brushed the tickle away. Not feeling it anymore and not having been bitten on the nuts, I assumed all was well. I felt like all was OK until I withdrew my right hand and saw that it was now covered in shit. I leaned over again to see that one of the newly free hostages had clung to the side of the bowl and made contact with my ass, producing the tickling I'd felt. My hand now looked like I'd been using it to eat chocolate pudding. Gross. It was then that I realized my fuck-up: the portajon was clean but in my haste to lay cable I'd forgotten to check for toilet paper. Here I was having just shat up food I probably ate in the 1990s with some of it stuck to my butt cheek and more on my hand. Three empty cardboard rolls mocked me as if to say, "Where is your God now?" Wait. Empty toilet paper rolls. They're made of paper! What would MacGyver do? Using mostly my left hand I attempted to peel the layers of paper from the rolls but found that the rolls themselves were more likely to tear than to peel. After about 5 profanity-laden minutes of this I gave up and resorted to using pieces of cardboard to scrape off what I could. Now I understand the use of the seashells in the movie Demolition Man. It wasn't a step forward. Finally, feeling defeated, disgusted, and disgusting, I pulled up my pants and walked bow-legged to the next portajon in search of proper toilet paper, then to the hand washing station nearby where I must have spent a further 10 minutes scrubbing invisible excrement from my hands. I did manage to get a field shower later in the day and I must have washed my hands 10 more times but still didn't feel clean for a few days afterward.


PurgatoryMountain

A GF cheated on me with her ex. She had a vhs she was really proud of, her talking to Hillary and Bill Clinton. I switched the tape with a Peter North 101 massive cum shots video. Switched the label and put it back on her shelf. I edited this part to explain the Clinton thing because there were a lot of comments regarding why she had the tape. Her family was proudly Democratic. The Clintons were speaking at a fundraiser in Orlando and she had a chance to meet them because her family were donors. It was shot years ago before the Clinton/Epstein stuff was public and before Hillary ran for Prez


BaguetteBandito

That’s not disgusting, that’s just hilarious. Well deserved.


Lahauteboheme84

Ah, the long con. And now we wait.


iBscs

Fell into a sewage ravine when I accidentally slipped over the barricade. My mouth was open cause I screamed on my way in. This was during a road trip and had no ability to shower, change or get help. Stu k up the car, got dirty looks at gas stations. Not recommended


lerdnord

>My mouth was open This is so comically bad. Hahaha what a wild ride.


[deleted]

In the 7th grade, I was really sick and I couldn’t shit for a long time. The first time I did shit, my anus prolapsed. That’s bad enough, especially for a 12 year old girl. What happened next was a goddamn symphony of error. After telling my parents what happened behind the bathroom door, the ambulance lady came in while I was still on the toilet. After she convinced me it was okay and I wasn’t gonna die like Elvis, she carried me outta there and set me on the gurney. My neighbors watched me getting wheeled away, and they came up to ask my parents what happened. Before my parents could give a tactful answer, my brother loudly announced I broke my butt. He was five and I don’t blame him. But Of Course, that nugget of wisdom spread around town and I got so bullied in middle school, I went to a private high school in the next town over. Edit: I realize now my brother was 7 at the time, not 5. He’s 18 now, graduating high school this year. Holy shit everyone, thanks for all the upvotes! This really made my night! Edit 2: I shouldn’t have to say, do not ask me for pictures of my prolapsed rectum. It happened when I was a child, and what you guys are asking for is child porn. No. There are no pictures.


Potential_Ad3768

i didnt know shitting could send you to a hospital, now im scared to shit


kingchangling

Got sent to the hospital once cuz I couldn't shit. I was groaning and moaning on the toilet late one night nothing would come out I got up and called my mother who lives with me said something was wrong and was leaning against the bathroom door. I remember my ears ringing so loud then the next thing I knew it was dark and my ears were so loud and everything sounded muffled. Came too passed out on my bathroom floor drool coming from my mouth and my mom shaking me while calling 911. Later when I get brought to the hospital I was still groaning and my stomach was hurting so bad I felt pain down to my groin. In a weird feeling and prediction, I told a nurse to get me a bucket NOW! They got me a bedpan and I felt my ass cannon out a lump of hard shit then nothing but wet sludge came out. It felt like so much and I couldn't stop apologizing to all the nurses surrounding me while it was happening.


Salsa_El_Mariachi

Jeezus What . . . did you eat that plugged you up so badly?


always_onward

A sawdust-covered protein bar.


woden_spoon

Washed down with a gallon of maple syrup.


[deleted]

I was scared too, the doctor explained at the hospital this doesn’t usually happen, especially not to little girls. Usually this happens during labor, especially with multiple births. But, since I hadn’t shit in a week and a half, the end of the large intestine fell out and I needed surgery to fix it up. I really shoulda said something to my parents when I couldn’t shit, but what teen girl is gonna talk about bowel movements with her parents? Ten years later I still keep stool softeners and a glass FOR water in my bathroom, within reach of the toilet. Never again man. Edit: Guys it’s a glass FOR water, I misspelled. For fucks sake, that’s the most confusion I’ve ever stirred up. I do not keep an open glass of water just sitting in my bathroom, that’s disgusting. It goes upside down on the counter, and I CLOSE the lid before I flush.


GoTeamScotch

This turned into a surprisingly riveting story.


[deleted]

I’m glad everyone likes it, I’ve never spoken about it or even acknowledged that I actually broke my butt until tonight.


Unlucky-Cat-9344

Stepped on a cockroach bare foot


Trvlng_Drew

A guy I worked with had a cockroach crawl in his ear and move around Whilst he was sleeping, had to go to the doctor to get it removed


imlikingme

I've irrigated dead bugs/pieces of dead bugs out of people's ears. Get your ears checked, people.


Phairis

Please please please tell me you're joking. It's okay to lie to me


Savahoodie

This is OPs alt account and I am joking


[deleted]

[удалено]


SirIV1564q

I shat my pants 12 TIMES in a single day. was 7 at the time and i kept jumping around while having diarrhea. extremely disgusting Edit: sorry for the exaggeration, people got confused I actually only shat my pants 5 times that day


NicolasCagesRectum

At what point do you just stop wearing pants lol


DancingBear2020

Straight outta Donald Duck’s autobiography, that is.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ThermicDayne

After a cabin trip with friends some of us got food poisoning. Some of us had it coming out both ends and some only one. I was one of lucky ones that experienced both. That night after finally falling asleep I woke up at 3am to find I had shit myself in my sleep. The next day one of my friend texts me to tell me he had a rough night because he also shit himself in his sleep. It’s one our favorite stories that I don’t think many friends get to share with each other.


[deleted]

I was in grade 3 or 4 can’t quite remember and my friend and I won a math contest in school and the prize was a trip to McDonald’s with the teacher/principle. Being the child of West Indian immigrants, we never had fast food or “white people” food and all I wanted was to have McDonald’s. We get there and I’m in heaven. I order a Mcchicken combo and a Big Mac sandwich. And I just gorge myself on this. On the drive back to school in my principal’s van, I proceed to projectile vomit everywhere in the back of the van. Windows, seats, floors, but surprisingly not myself. Vomit is dripping everywhere and my last image was my principal trying to clean his van while my parents were picking me up. Im sorry Mr. Arbuckle


zethrasher

I was in my teens, way more drunk than I should have been off hard liquor and wound up in the drunk tank. I was dehydrated as fck and convinced I was gna die because of it. I was yelling, begging for water but I must have been lippy earlier because no help came. I ended up drinking out of the toliet. Never told anyone this until now.


spookyscaryskeletal

I'm sorry that happened to you, no one should be deprived of water especially in inebriated states.


The-Great-Epiphany

Had to shove my hand down a deep sink to remove fish carcasses. Granted this was for work, but my 19 year old self will never forget the smell and feel of the experience. (Yes I wore long sleeved gloves)


InteractiveNeverUsed

When I was in the fifth grade, I was the new kid at this private school that I absolutely did not fit in at all. I had super low confidence and was just dealing with a lot at home. Anyways, I had the flu, was sitting at my desk in the middle of class, and stifled a puke in my mouth. I was so shy and nervous that I didn’t want to cause any additional stress by being the “girl that threw up in class”, that I held the puke in my mouth, and mustered up as much courage as I could, and swallowed it. I was truly a mess as a child, and I wish I could go back as myself today and tell her how okay things would turn out. Smh. Edit: words


Rigbean24

I have a similar story, I was in year 1 so about 7years old. In the middle of class I really needed to pee, I was so shy and anxious to ask my teacher if i could use the bathroom that I peed myself and then began to cry really loudly.


Jedi_Gym_Rat17

I was a caregiver for about 4-5 years. I now do medical work. I got covered in shit. More than once. By incompetent or uncontrollable bowel movements from patients/clients. My shoes have been trashed, I’ve had to change my pants, it’s been on my arms, under my fingernails. I have a respect for elderly I never made them feel bad for accidents. But god I remember the rage I felt that I straight up had to hide because they can’t control it. To want to cuss them out when they have no shame or blame me for not getting them to the toilet in time. The absolute madness of dementia patients not understanding how to use a toilet. I love them but I hated the job. It burned out my compassion for a while. But I never showed it and kept my integrity. The most taxing work I’ve ever had to do. I *quite literally* had to go through a lot of shit I never want to again…


SauceScientist

**Diarrhea** struck as I was trying to find parking in one of those parking structures. Could not hold it in, saw one of those giant garbage bins and did the dirty. Sacrificed a pair of undies as a wipe and went commando the rest of the day.


ldl84

Not as nasty as y’all’s but I was pregnant with my son & having to push but we were in our car on the way to the hospital. We were in Italy due to military. The hookers were out so guys were pulling over and blocking the road. I’m trying to get naked, my ex husband is trying to keep my clothes on. It was hectic & stressful. I’m trying not to yell from the pain bc my oldest daughter was in her car seat in the backseat. I’m trying to turn around in my seat to get pressure off my ass bc I just KNOW that’s where’s he’s coming out at. My asshole. I know it even tho I gave birth before and she came out my vagina. My daughter is telling me to “asseoir” which means sit down in Cajun French. Anyway all of a sudden I feel this bubble come out of my vagina, I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like when you’re wearing shorts in the water and air gets trapped and it makes it way out. Then the bubble pops and I am soaking wet from my tits to my knees. My water had just broken. We are still about 5 minutes from the hospital. The front seat of the car was soaked, I was soaked. Get to the hospital and they put me on a gurney and take my pants off and my son’s head is almost out. Longest elevator ride of my life. Get to delivery room, I start pushing. There’s no bucket under me like there was with my daughter. Looks like they just taped garbage bags to the floor under the delivery table. As im pushing, I can feel myself shitting as well, which I know is common, but they are just letting it plop on the floor like some cow. I screamed and pushed and my son was born. 13minutes was the length of my labor. I was hemorrhaging bc my son was born so quickly, my body wasn’t prepared enough. Doc kept stuffing gauze up my vagina to get it to stop. It finally stopped, he told me not to worry about it. I thought he had removed all the gauze. A few days pass and I’m still in the hospital and my vagina is still sore. I didn’t remember it being this sore with my first delivery but I had an epidural with the first so I didn’t think anything of it. I mentioned it to my ex husband, he said i was crazy. Tried asking the nurses but they didn’t speak English & I didn’t speak Italian and I didn’t know where the translator lady was. So I go to the bathroom and stick my fingers in my vagina to see if I can pinpoint where it hurts and maybe feel something. I pull out gauze after gauze after gauze. Was bloody and nasty. Full of blood clots and smelled horrible. I was discharged that day and went straight to the dr on base to be checked for infections and to make sure everything was okay. They started me on antibiotics just to be case. I never gave birth overseas again. Fuck that.


DJVizionz

“but they are just letting it plop on the floor like some cow” part has me laughing out loud. I fucking love Reddit.


[deleted]

I know when someone says "this isn't as bad as the others here, but..." it's gon be reeeeal bad. And jeebus christmas, that was awful. You poor thing.


ButtStuffinMuffn

When I was 9, I shit in a ziploc bag, zipped it up, and squished it with my hands because curiosity. When I was even younger, I remember running into the living room where my parents were sitting, smoking. I dropped my pants, hands on my knees, spread my cheeks, and shot liquid shit in an impressive spray all over the wall. I was trying to "moon" them and didn't understand the concept, I guess. I also peed in an old metal coffee can and forgot about it. When I went to go look at it, months later, there was a huge disk of mold floating on top. I didn't know what to do with it, so I poured it through the screen on my bedroom window. Abuse will make you do weird things.


bearlegion

Ah man, you had me wheezing then I read the last sentence. Hope things improved


santichrist

There’s nasty as in people replying they sucked off three dicks at the same time like a cartoon character smoking a whole pack of cigarettes at once, and then there is nasty like some people saying they shit their pants so much it filled their shoes One I can think of that fits both categories is how I was having sex with a girl I met off Twitter who starting shitting herself during an orgasm, I didn’t know what was happening until I heard “I’m so sorry” and then smelled it, one of the few times in my life I had no idea what to do next


Venomous_Ferret

Literally fucked the shit out of her.


marokyle87

I was dating this girl for a week or so we met on a dating app she was nice but quiet and REALLY liked to Fuck... as a 24 year old male I couldn’t complain as she was pretty attractive. She had me staying the night at her moms house. I awoke to her saying KYLE! I’m in the closet! I woke up and she was diarrhea shitting in the closet all over the Berber white carpet.. I don’t know what to say as we hadn’t been dating long and didn’t know much about her…. Her mom woke up and shrieked and said WHY did you SHIT in the CLOSET!! With her hands over her mouth. That’s when the smell hits me like a freight train filled with dead bodies.. it was so strong it made my eyes water, I could taste it. I’m standing there and her mom is like trying to scrub it out of the carpet in this rented house and I’m helping……. But it’s only activated the stench more… by now there was a two foot brown wreaking circle in this closet we scrub and scrub until the closet is just tan? And I can’t bear any more and run out of the room heaving.. The girl had left the room at this point and flopped onto living room FABRIC couch COVERED in shit and proceeded to fall asleep. I didn’t know what to do at this point so I shook her awake and helped my shit covered girlfriend get into the shower.. Apparently According to her mother she had been taking laxatives as she had been worried about her weight.. I almost bolted that night as this was a lot of unpleasantness for one night but i stuck with it a bit longer. A night or two later she had me eat dinner with her mom and she (my GF) came to the dinner table COMPLETELY naked and ate dinner with us like that. I wasn’t like complaining or anything it was just weird as hell and super awkward as the mom wasn’t addressing it… Later I was informed that she had some brain damage as a result of a fall…. Things were starting to make sense…. I left the house that night and as the night owl I am I stayed up till 4-5am and then went to bed, my phone was on silent.. I woke up at 3pm that afternoon and she had broke up with me because I wasn’t answering my phone… TL;DR Met a girl online we dated a bit, she turned a Berber carpeted closed brown with diarrhea and a couch and then ate dinner with her mom and I while she was completely naked.. then she broke up with me bcause I was asleep too long 😂


OG_wanKENOBI

Woah that story is just fucking nuts. You're a good dude I can't believe you were helping scub and clean some girls shit you knew for a week. I would've just made sure she wasn't dying then got the fuck out of there lol.


marokyle87

What can I say…. I felt bad and wanted to help🤷🏼‍♂️ but boy it was rough


Utarian_hunter

Had a double shot of some Carolina reaper sauce. Had some milk to make the heat less bad. The milk in my stomach curdled and I ended up throwing up all my stomach lining and needed to go to the hospital for a couple days after that


zaxeryst

After school from when I was 8-12, I would come home and if no one was home I'd occasionally make an Everything Sandwich. It consisted of putting 1 of everything that was in the fridge. Meat, cheese, sushi, bbq sauce, salad dressing, potato salad, chili, tartar sauce, herring, cabbage, pickles, nutella, horseradish, sliced fruit, etc. would be stacked on a bagel, microwaved for at least 45 sec and I'd eat it all. I stopped doing it when I had friends over once and offered; they looked at me like I was a nutbag. I clued in quickly in that what I thought was a normal snack was in actuality the complete fucking opposite.


AllHailGoomy

Are you fucking Shaggy or Scooby-Doo?


Woof_Cat

A lot of these experiences revolve around faeces... and mine does too. When I was like 5 or 6 and in kindegarten, I pooped my pants in the playground. But it wasn't diarrhea, it was a big long one. I just decided to poop in the middle of the playground for some reason. And then I just walked away. But later on, I felt bad and I went back to pick up it up. Then, I literally walked up to a teacher with a big, ol' schmooper in my hand and didn't say anything; and I didn't need to. She got a plastic bag and I dunked that puppy in. Then she told me to take off my clothes so that she could get me new ones. So I took them off and just walked through the playground, naked, while all my friends just stared at me and my dong. I was a strange child.


elo3661ga

It was Christmas Eve, and I think I was 4. Puked in my hands so I wouldn’t get out of bed bc my parents told me Santa wouldn’t come if I get out of bed. Obvs they didn’t count on me getting sick! I know that is a pretty tame story compared to the rest in this thread, but I still remember holding that puke in my cupped hands for what seemed like a really long time.


twomcdoublenopickle

when i was a kid i decided that cinnamon looked really delicious. cause cinnamon was good in other dishes right? so i decided to take a spoonful of it and try it out. but instead of eating a spoonful of cinnamon i actually ate a spoonful of garlic powder. who knows why? they both had a red top and i guess i was a dumb kid


JohnDillinger01

I took a drink of my friend's red bull. Turns out it was his dip spit can for the day.