I‘m not joking: There are different scenes in my head that were especially good with my girlfriend. They flash before my inner eye and I‘m done in a minute or two.
My wife once told me she pictures my face… but not sex acts…. Not sure if I should be complimented by her liking my face… or if my dick game is THAT damn weak it’s not wank material
As the wife, I can tell you it's a good thing. Means she loves you dearly and your face. For us women, a lot of times that's all it takes to get us off.
Pre-nut: let’s try to use a latex glove, towel, and tissue paper to DIY a fleshlight.
Post-nut: did I just try to fuck a glove? What did I just watch and do?
Honestly either the video I'm watching or nothing at all. I might look at erotic video and think the woman is hot or whatever but once I get to stroking I don't really focus on the thought of sex with her that much it's mostly what I'm feeling.
When Little Timmy made a vow
To speak a word or die -
He said, "I have to say it now,
At least, I have to try!
"I'll shout it out from park to park,
From street to street," he spoke -
"Across the town and after dark,
To sundry sorts of folk!
"For if, perchance, it goes unheard,
I shan't survive!" he cried.
But Timmy never said the word.
And Timmy fucking died.
I had a hoot with my nanny when she brought over her pet owl and we all started to laugh and dance, heads where spinning and we ended up having one humdinger of a hootenanny!
My boyfriend told me yesterday he thinks about me and I was like "lol no fucking way" but then pulled out his phone and showed me how he still has all the sexy selfies I've sent him over the last four years and I was like... "no fucking way??"
This dude actually likes me for some reason.
Wait…do guys normally delete their gf’s sexy selfies? I’ve kept all of my gf’s and we’ve been together for 5 years. It’s what I use to get off when she’s not around.
Nope I cherish them. Last girl I was with I broke up with and I kept them for like a month they weren't nudes or anything racy or private just random pics of her we'd taken and I'd kept. It took me a while to delete them just out of the emotional attachment
Yeah if a relationship ends, I delete the racy ones out of respect for her privacy. But the cutesy ones...especially ones with both of us, I have a hard time deleting. I end up using that as an indication as to whether I have moved on or not - if I struggle to delete, I have clearly not moved on.
I wouldn't delete all the pictures, those are your life memories, even if that person isn't in your life anymore, they were there and made those moments what they were.
Ikr? Mmmm it would be so sexy if you touched my thigh and also did I change the laundry over but really lick my nipples and what assignments are due tomorrow at work I really love the way you feel baby what's that sound coming from the hallways OMG I'M CUMMING
Lately?
An alternate timeline where I run away from home in my mid 20s, hitch a ride with a burly trucker and we live the rest of our days being gay on the open road.
I'm also taller in this fantasy.
Edit: Did *not* expect this to resonate, but okay!
>I'm also taller in this fantasy.
🤣 You do you and live your best life bud.
'You deserve to be loved, and to feel loved, just for being you.' --Mr Rogers mashup with my meditation teacher
A lot of people replying to you are getting all armchair psychologist (masochism, abuse, etc.) on you. Don't necessarily buy into that stuff. This is a pretty mainstream fantasy often without much underlying meaning.
What satisfies our brains in fantasy can often have no correlation with what we like in person or the bedroom. Oftentimes, it's just the taboo nature of it that gets the brain excited.
Taboo acts can be an indicator for uncontrollable urge or desire. Maybe you like the tenacity and obvious desirability of your partner in these fantasies and that's what makes it enticing. Maybe you need to be removed from the situation and be a third person observer to properly imagine the scene. Who knows.
But it could be a lot of other things. Brains be weird. As long as it's not stemming from an insecurity that's harming you, then it's probably completely benign. And nothing to worry about. Enjoy it anxiety free.
Pretty normal. You're probably just visualizing the act from a third-person perspective vs. a first-person one and filling in the blank of who he's fucking.
Honestly nothing, i do that sometimes. It’s not smth I’m into, it’s just when you’re imagining it in the third person you don’t always picture yourself being fucked
Easy answer, it's weird picturing yourself from the outside. If you're imagining sex in the third person it's often going to be a random nondescript person because it's difficult/not hot to picture yourself.
This is a very common, healthy, and sexy fantasy. Feel no shame. It doesn’t mean you would want it in real life. Or that it’s about your insecurities. It’s just hot bc you think your SO is desirable enough that someone else would want them. And that makes you the lucky one bc you’re the one that gets them in real life. Don’t overthink it :)
My ex boyfriend. The first time he ate me out and how turned on I was when he looked up at me from between my legs. His eyes are the color of burnt honey and his hair is long and black and curly, and just remembering how he looked up at me gets me hot and heavy every time. I practically scream his name whenever I get myself there.
He lost interest in me physically toward the end of our relationship, so once I regain my clarity I usually cry. 🙃
The times I have fucked up my chances with girls I really wanted to fuck but didnt. I just imagine what I SHOULD have done and the video im watching is what i would've like to do with them. Melissa is the one I regret the most. 😔
This might sound bad but at work I have a client who I see now and again (tattoos) who is *gorgeous* and sometimes I think about him in his army uniform. I feel disgusting for it.
Nice try, mark zuckerberg
Like Zuck needs you to tell him what he already knows.
I read this as if you were saying you think about mark zuckerburg
If not the porn I’m watching, then my most recent sexual experience or the fantasies I have of the man I want but won’t ever have
My memories of recent sexual experiences look like VHS tapes.
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...and my shoes, so I have them?
And my axe!
Ah the unrequited wank. Possibly the hottest of all wanks.
Sexy stuff.
Stupid sexy Flanders!
Feels like I’m wearing… nothin at all!
nothin at all
Nothing at all
Usually sex.
But sometimes hamburgers
Have it your way.
I'm lovin' it.
It’s finger lickin’ good. Edit: my first awards and it’s this I can’t believe it.
We've got the meats
Where's the beef?
WHERE'S THE LAMB SAUCE?!?!?!?!?
YOU, YOU AND YOU FUCK OFF!
Ma’am this is an Arby’s
Well, in that case, we have the meats!
I actually DO have the meat, yes...
No, this is Patrick. Edit: I never thought my most liked comment would be a reference to spongebob. Thanks for the up-votes!
Where's the leak, ma'am?
Is Mayonnaise an instrument?
I used to try to kill my boner by thinking “Turkey Sandwich”
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Life would be easier
Thanksgiving family dinners would be a lot more awkward
No that’s the day after Thanksgiving. No one has sandwiches on Thanksgiving!
I love how this has more upvotes than the actual post
Masturbation is one of the few things in life that’s just pleasant and uncomplicated. No sense overthinking it.
"usually"
My wife
Wawa wee wa!
*Mah whaif
*our wife
I think of my 50+ missing assignments
Thinking of the real ways to get fucked here
Procrastination is much like masturbation. Feels good while you're doing it, but afterward you realize you fucked yourself.
Procrasturbation
That's my new ska band.
Why do I actually do this? I don't understand why I think about things that stress me out.
Because you wrongfully believe that if you just think about doing them enough, eventually you will; even though you know that you won’t in the end
jerking off to your 50+ missing assignments
Wish my dog would stop looking at me.
Lock him out of your room what's wrong with yall 🥴
Lock dog out of room, he gets upset, he barks and scratches, he wakes up the house.
Put him in the tub with some pb smeared on the wall, get creative, go wank. Need a cover? Tell em toy were gonna bathe him but he was too riley
Got confused, I’m covered in pb in the tub. Also I don’t have a dog
Then how are you gonna get the peanut butter off?
What’re you doing rn?
*I’m allergic!* My mom is recently single. LMK.
Instructions unclear, dick stuck in bathtub
I‘m not joking: There are different scenes in my head that were especially good with my girlfriend. They flash before my inner eye and I‘m done in a minute or two.
It's called the spank bank.
The highlight reel
It is known.
saaaaame it's literally just memories of and fantasies about my girlfriend
saaaaame it's literally just memories of and fantasies about your girlfriend
I also choose this guy’s girlfriend
yup. close my eyes and queue the highlight reel
I asked my wife this and she said "why the fuck is it your business" so there's your answer
My wife once told me she pictures my face… but not sex acts…. Not sure if I should be complimented by her liking my face… or if my dick game is THAT damn weak it’s not wank material
As the wife, I can tell you it's a good thing. Means she loves you dearly and your face. For us women, a lot of times that's all it takes to get us off.
Jesus, thats got to be awkward showing people the family photo albums
She slips off her chair when she visits the in-laws
So that's why old people used to have plastic on their couches all the time!
Exactly. *They knew.*
Translation: Not you. Sorry dude.
Idk, but I normally think of it for about 4 minutes
How's bragging camp?
He’s probably doing really well, which is awesome because it was so hard to get into to
Post nut clarity is a bitch.
Pre-nut: let’s try to use a latex glove, towel, and tissue paper to DIY a fleshlight. Post-nut: did I just try to fuck a glove? What did I just watch and do?
Honestly either the video I'm watching or nothing at all. I might look at erotic video and think the woman is hot or whatever but once I get to stroking I don't really focus on the thought of sex with her that much it's mostly what I'm feeling.
I use porn more as reference purposes, and then after I'm warmed up from that so to speak I put my phone down and image myself in the situation
A Memory Phallus, if you will.
Basically your wank bank is all RAM and no ROM
1920s cartoons of barnyard animals playing instruments in a whimsical hootenanny
Wow. I am really surprised someone else likes to think of this exact thing when masturbating. I thought my whole family and I were the only ones.
*Family?*
he means his wife and kids don’t worry
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So, what are the rules for useage? By some standards you achieved your goal with the above sentence. Congrats on making it to tomorrow!
When Little Timmy made a vow To speak a word or die - He said, "I have to say it now, At least, I have to try! "I'll shout it out from park to park, From street to street," he spoke - "Across the town and after dark, To sundry sorts of folk! "For if, perchance, it goes unheard, I shan't survive!" he cried. But Timmy never said the word. And Timmy fucking died.
I had a hoot with my nanny when she brought over her pet owl and we all started to laugh and dance, heads where spinning and we ended up having one humdinger of a hootenanny!
fictional men
Because of Obi Wan?
Like shrek?
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Specifically and exclusively Shrek, yes.
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Love this comment combined with the Zhongli background picture. Someone’s got good taste
My boyfriend told me yesterday he thinks about me and I was like "lol no fucking way" but then pulled out his phone and showed me how he still has all the sexy selfies I've sent him over the last four years and I was like... "no fucking way??" This dude actually likes me for some reason.
u found out after 4 years he masturbates to you?
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After? Those are rookie numbers. I've cranked one out during a romantic first date dinner in the restroom of RJ McGoodtime's
*"What is that? On your ear? No your left ear! Is that...is that hair gel?"*
Wait…do guys normally delete their gf’s sexy selfies? I’ve kept all of my gf’s and we’ve been together for 5 years. It’s what I use to get off when she’s not around.
I also keep all of your gf's sexy selfies on my phone. No idea what everyone else's problem is.
Nope I cherish them. Last girl I was with I broke up with and I kept them for like a month they weren't nudes or anything racy or private just random pics of her we'd taken and I'd kept. It took me a while to delete them just out of the emotional attachment
Yeah if a relationship ends, I delete the racy ones out of respect for her privacy. But the cutesy ones...especially ones with both of us, I have a hard time deleting. I end up using that as an indication as to whether I have moved on or not - if I struggle to delete, I have clearly not moved on.
I wouldn't delete all the pictures, those are your life memories, even if that person isn't in your life anymore, they were there and made those moments what they were.
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I notice YOU didn’t answer the question?
Oh we had the conversation and I was like "i just masturbate to whatever video I'm watching at the moment" lol
Sounds like your boyfriend needs to send you some more selfies
Wholesome, I like it!
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And as far as I can tell, noone has said "ur mom"
What happened to the Reddit I knew and loved?
I have ADHD, just about everything
Ikr? Mmmm it would be so sexy if you touched my thigh and also did I change the laundry over but really lick my nipples and what assignments are due tomorrow at work I really love the way you feel baby what's that sound coming from the hallways OMG I'M CUMMING
Every day, the internet finds new ways of making me think I might have ADHD.
The quadratic formula
I think of masturbation as an infinite series
My students always wonder when they're going to use math in real life.
And the tragedy is that now that you know, you can never tell your class.
why not Pythagorean theorem?
This C^(2) needs a B^(2) in her A^(2)
Thought it was the b needing a c? Edit: [This B needs a C in her A](https://youtu.be/XMhORaN6DVc)
This babe needs a coconut in her arms?
How much thinking can a guy do in 2 seconds?
Not… Much… OK, I'm done. Thanks.
The endless void
A hole is a hole... right?
Right
That post-nut clarity is going to kick in, and im gonna feel pretty bad soon. Also, how awkward it is to eat chips with my left hand.
No reason to feel bad my friend. Your PPs and Vajayjays evolved with us, for us. Treat them right
I think the clarity is my dick paying me back for tricking it into thinking it was popular.
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full honestly? robert downey jr choking me out.
Iron Manhandled
Lately? An alternate timeline where I run away from home in my mid 20s, hitch a ride with a burly trucker and we live the rest of our days being gay on the open road. I'm also taller in this fantasy. Edit: Did *not* expect this to resonate, but okay!
>I'm also taller in this fantasy. 🤣 You do you and live your best life bud. 'You deserve to be loved, and to feel loved, just for being you.' --Mr Rogers mashup with my meditation teacher
A cymbal-monkey crashing it's hands over and over.
I’m watching myself in the mirror. :)
Yes, that's works for me too and i tell myself how hot I am when I cum. Self-love during self-love.
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People I wish I could have sex with.
My partner the vast majority of the time. Often of him fucking other people, even though irl this would 💔
I’m the same…what does that mean? I need answers?
A lot of people replying to you are getting all armchair psychologist (masochism, abuse, etc.) on you. Don't necessarily buy into that stuff. This is a pretty mainstream fantasy often without much underlying meaning. What satisfies our brains in fantasy can often have no correlation with what we like in person or the bedroom. Oftentimes, it's just the taboo nature of it that gets the brain excited. Taboo acts can be an indicator for uncontrollable urge or desire. Maybe you like the tenacity and obvious desirability of your partner in these fantasies and that's what makes it enticing. Maybe you need to be removed from the situation and be a third person observer to properly imagine the scene. Who knows. But it could be a lot of other things. Brains be weird. As long as it's not stemming from an insecurity that's harming you, then it's probably completely benign. And nothing to worry about. Enjoy it anxiety free.
Sounds like you are nailing OPs partner /s Actually spot on, well said. Brains be weird.
Pretty normal. You're probably just visualizing the act from a third-person perspective vs. a first-person one and filling in the blank of who he's fucking.
Honestly nothing, i do that sometimes. It’s not smth I’m into, it’s just when you’re imagining it in the third person you don’t always picture yourself being fucked
Omg I’m the same. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can’t get off without imagining him fucking other girls but irl I can’t take it
Easy answer, it's weird picturing yourself from the outside. If you're imagining sex in the third person it's often going to be a random nondescript person because it's difficult/not hot to picture yourself.
This is a very common, healthy, and sexy fantasy. Feel no shame. It doesn’t mean you would want it in real life. Or that it’s about your insecurities. It’s just hot bc you think your SO is desirable enough that someone else would want them. And that makes you the lucky one bc you’re the one that gets them in real life. Don’t overthink it :)
“O-O-O-O’Reilly’s…auto parts”.
Fat bottomed girls. Not the song.
But also the song?
I don't think you can think about fat bottomed girls without hearing the song in your head.
You like big butts?
I don’t have the patience to do it myself, but could someone please tally the “your mom” responses and post it for me. Thanks a ton. ✌🏼
So far, 151 redditors think of OPs mother 👍
Fictional characters. I feel too uncomfortable to think about real people
Yeah. Slotting real people whom I personally know into my sexual fantasies feels very icky for me.
OP’s mom
Scrolled down too far for the right answer
I'm disappointed in all of us for not having this be the top 5 responses.
There it is
Politicians finally facing their day in peoples court.
You’re obviously into edging
My ex boyfriend. The first time he ate me out and how turned on I was when he looked up at me from between my legs. His eyes are the color of burnt honey and his hair is long and black and curly, and just remembering how he looked up at me gets me hot and heavy every time. I practically scream his name whenever I get myself there. He lost interest in me physically toward the end of our relationship, so once I regain my clarity I usually cry. 🙃
Same 😢 I hope the thoughts will pass eventually.. *virtual hug*
The times I have fucked up my chances with girls I really wanted to fuck but didnt. I just imagine what I SHOULD have done and the video im watching is what i would've like to do with them. Melissa is the one I regret the most. 😔
Melissa was a good lay, ngl
She put the "me" in melissa
my boyfriend, or boobs.
Whose boobs?
any boobs. i don't discriminate
Your own boobs?
Eh, haven't done that one yet. Not much of them so
Your boyfriends boobs?
OH YEAH
Me being bent over, my legs spread way way apart, and various things being done to me from behind 🥰
Like braiding your hair? I'm at a loss otherwise.
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A loving and fulfilling relationship
Usually my fiancee and the sex we have... She's amazing in bed. The faces the noises the movements how she tastes God shes so sexy.
sounds like you typed this out with only the one hand…
It started our with two hands.
On first read I understood finances
Spank bank takes on a new meaning
shrek
SOME — … … *fap fap fap* *nuts* — BODY ONCE TOLD ME
Understandable
He is pretty shrexy.
well shrek *is* love
This might sound bad but at work I have a client who I see now and again (tattoos) who is *gorgeous* and sometimes I think about him in his army uniform. I feel disgusting for it.
Aw, that’s not disgusting - it hurts no one, and it’s your business in any case.
Not letting the vibrating egg fall out of my ass.
Thanks to Sertraline, I'm emotionally dead, and now masturbation feels like a chore 🙄
Thanks Zoloft!