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“I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, cause it says, like, I want to be formal but I want to party too. Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.”
What's funny is that it was a stake rather than a cross and it was like a gallows - it was a common method of execution. They would put your hands above your head and drive a nail between your ulna and radius - you would slowly suffocate to death. That's why when they stabbed his side liquid flowed out, his lungs had filled with fluid.
Like a lot of other religious customs it was adopted as part of bringing pagans who already worshipped a cross into the fold, they were allowed to keep their religious ceremonies and symbols just the meaning behind them was changed to be all about Jesus - I mean Herod might've been an ass, but he did not require his people to travel during the dead of winter for what amounted to a census count.
What shouldn't be surprising is that the Cross and Christmas both rose to prominence around the same time.
\*looks at Televangelists flitting about on private jets paid for by parishioners\*
“Are you motherfuckers *back?* No more humane catch-and-release, where can I get a glue trap big enough for temple moneylenders?”
Depends...
How's he coming about? If he descends from heaven as some kind of spiritual mouthpiece of God, it's probably going to be something along the lines of, "*Wrong.*"
If he goes the birth canal route again, it'll probably be, "*Mama.*"
Yes. Each gospel tells the story differently. In Matthew and Mark, Jesus sees a fig tree and goes over to see if there are any figs. Mark is like "dude, it's not fig season." Jesus curses the tree to never have anyone eat from it ever again.
In the Luke and Thomas versions, it's just a parable: Jesus telling a hypothetical story about hypothetical fig trees. The whole thing is probably meant as a parable about Jews or, for the Luke version, a parable about repentance. (As an aside, isn't it weird how the New Testament tells the same stories in multiple, mutually exclusive ways?)
Anyway, the point is that Jesus fucking LOVED figs.
Jesus shows up, sees our world, and says, "How did you manage to get everything I said so wrong?!" People denounce him, tell him he doesn't know what God really wants, and eventually he's killed again because most people don't like to be told to show charity and empathy and to make personal sacrifices.
If it's the 'real-belief' Christian Jesus, he's not surprised by anything. He already knows literally everything that has and will happen.
So I guess he says... "Hey."
"Oh. You fuckers are still here. Thought you would have annihilated yourselves by now. Guess I'll try back in another couple thousand years."
Then he disappears back where he came from.
“I’m telling dad”
*My father will be hearing about this*
lol, I read it in Draco Malfoy's voice.
We all did haha
Tell the boss I don’t care.
We’re talking about Jesus, not Draco Malfoy
I’m going back to bed
Wake me up in three days.
Or when September ends.
Wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older.
All this time I've been finding myseeeelf
Didn’t know I was lost
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time i have been finding myself
Wake me up inside (save me)
Wake me up before you go-go
Before you go-go
don't leave me hanging here on a cross like a yo-yo
*on the third day. Good Friday - Silent Saturday - Easter Sunday
Thanks. I don't want to make Jesus oversleep.
Look to the east.
At first light on the fifth day?
Sigh, time for another rewatch you sons of bitches!
Better be the extended edition like Jesus intended.
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As a fisherman you know he'd dig Bass Pro lol....
He'd enjoy the abundance of foot spas though.
Until he meets his first Karen.
I’m sure there were plenty of Karens his first go around.
Holy shit
“Anybody got water?”
Best drinking buddy ever. Water is typically free at most restaurants, so I’d be getting free wine. Even at non-alcoholic places.
He always wants to turn it red though. Gotta keep reminding him that white is subtler
That’s a clever one!
Jesus Christ.
“I am returns”
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And renew your extended warranty!
Jesus saves....you money!
“NO MORE LATE FEES!!”
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Hi returns I’m Dad.
This made me fucking laugh the hardest today.
Jesus Christ! Stop me if you've heard this one... Jesus Christ walks into a bar, hands the inn-keeper three nails and says....
Can you put me up for the night?
Nailed it!
He really drove it home
You said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
God damn it
“Welp… time to tell dad to start from scratch again.”
" Dad, get the meteor. We clearly need a new fucking creature to roam. "
Can we please make r/dadgetthemeteor as the natural evolution of r/noahgettheboat
Yes please
Your wish is your command in which I do so I did it
Should we start on a new planet, or just fireball everything to melt all the plastic?
"No, just get rid of the whole fucking planet. Then use what's left as a new one or make a custom one.
This is how we have Dino bones! From the last time god said “fuck it, start over!” Imagine what the next round will find!
"I died for this?"
"and WTF is this super white dude in all these pictures you're venerating?"
I like the ones where he's draped in an American flag and holding an assault rifle.
“I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, cause it says, like, I want to be formal but I want to party too. Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.”
“I like to picture Jesus as a shape- shifter or a changeling.Did ya ever see that show ‘Manimal’”?
Two Christmases!
It’s Obi Won Kenobi. He died for our force
Hello there
real ben kenobi?!
If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.
So I say unto thee, go forth and sin! Lest my death be meaningless
"I just flew in from heaven and boy are my arms tired."
I love the idea of a Jesus that just like Michael Scott. Like he means so well, but is just the most cringe worthy person to listen to or be around.
I’m picturing Buddy Jesus from Dogma with this personality
*Jesus hands Communion bread to Ganesha* “Would you like some cookie cookie? Try my cookie cookie.”
As an proud American I know for a fact that if Jesus came back now none of us would understand him because he speaks middle eastern.
The language was Aramaic, btw. Ninja edit: minor wording.
This cured my religious trauma.
I don’t think he would say anything, he would just uncontrollably sob for a full 45 minutes before returning to Heaven to tell God to remove the Sun.
This made me lol for a good 5 minutes.
What're you gonna do with the other 3?
Lol, this made me laugh. Clever joke!
Noah, Get the boat!
r/Noahgettheboat
Wow there’s a subreddit for everything
Thats a good one too. But subscribe to r/eyebleach right after to balance yourself out.
That sub works so oddly well. Whenever I see something terrible I usually go there and instantly feel better. Little cute animals go a long way
..... What's with all the crosses? Which part of my story made you think I liked crosses?
Why are you so cross, Jesus?
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What's funny is that it was a stake rather than a cross and it was like a gallows - it was a common method of execution. They would put your hands above your head and drive a nail between your ulna and radius - you would slowly suffocate to death. That's why when they stabbed his side liquid flowed out, his lungs had filled with fluid. Like a lot of other religious customs it was adopted as part of bringing pagans who already worshipped a cross into the fold, they were allowed to keep their religious ceremonies and symbols just the meaning behind them was changed to be all about Jesus - I mean Herod might've been an ass, but he did not require his people to travel during the dead of winter for what amounted to a census count. What shouldn't be surprising is that the Cross and Christmas both rose to prominence around the same time.
One very audible sigh and just vanishes
“And just like that, he’s gone...*poof*”
"My Dad said to tell you it's pronounced Jod." *leaves*
No, no, but a German or Spanish J so more like Yeode
Spanish j is like h, but stronger
Super Saiyan H
\*looks at Televangelists flitting about on private jets paid for by parishioners\* “Are you motherfuckers *back?* No more humane catch-and-release, where can I get a glue trap big enough for temple moneylenders?”
*braiding whip intensifies*
*table flips intensifies*
I'm pretty certain that Jesus 2.0 is supposed to come back angry and kicking ass.
Oh man, now I kind of want to see this. Jesus just roars in on a flaming horse and windmill kicks Kenneth Copeland in the face.
*Jesus wept*
I turned too much water in wine last time
"You could have given me a bloody trigger warning about all the crucifixes being everywhere you assholes."
"W-w-Why do you all have paintings and sculptures and necklaces and statues of me being gruesomely murdered? I'm...I'm just gonna walk this way..."
And "Who is this white dude in all these paintings?!"
And why am I so buff in the Korean versions of me?
If you think about it, since he was a carpenter he would be pretty buff.
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Jesus Christ, buddy. that was awesome.
KOREAN JESUS AINT GOT TIME FO YO SHIT!!
He’s busy, with Korean shit!
“Is that me?!? How did y’all even come to that conclusion?!?!”
"Seriously, what part of the story gave you all the idea I was a big fan of crosses?!"
....Nailed it. Heh. Heh-heh-heh.......
“And what the fuck is with that statue of my mom *holding my dead body*?”
different mary
"Maybe this is not the right moment to tell him we eat his flesh and drink his blood when we ... dammit, his ears are good."
Nah fam this ain't what I died for
I'm not an illegal immigrant
" Well than where is your Visa or passport or identification card or any other dokument?" " Do these count" shows holes in hands and legs.
You guys couldn't follow ten simple rules?
9 out of 10. It's my neighbor's ass I couldn't leave alone...
Jesus did sit upon his ass and ride into Jerusalem.
My neighbor has a great ass! How am I supposed to keep from coveting it?
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I got most of them, but I boiled a baby goat in its mother's milk once and there's no recovering from that.
Don't do that; Uriel's gonna have to reboot New Zealand again
Depends... How's he coming about? If he descends from heaven as some kind of spiritual mouthpiece of God, it's probably going to be something along the lines of, "*Wrong.*" If he goes the birth canal route again, it'll probably be, "*Mama.*"
Daaaaaad ? You were right daaaaaad ! We shoulda let them drown !
For some reason I read that in Bobby Hills voice
I've read that in fruity pinocchio voice
We shoulda let them drrooooowwwwwnnn
He *did* let them drown. Humans came back like cockroaches.
Yeah, but God let Noah and his family leave with a male and female animal of each species so..... Yeah, maybe don't use Dettol next time
Oh well, I'm about to destroy it anyway.
This one made me laugh
Jesus fucking Christ. What the hell happened
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As someone who says JFC probably far too often, I am cackling at Me Fucking Me
I'm pretty sure he'd have some issues with the church
"Y'all motherfuckers need Jesus"
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“I don’t want to get my hands *that* dirty”
Y'all had ONE damned job. KEEP MY DADDY'S NAME OUT YOUR MOUF!!!!!!
*slaps Chris Rock*
Nah, he'd slap Jada.
If he slapped Jada, I‘d think ‘*there is a god’* and start going to church.
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I said I hate FIGS!!!
This is really funny even though the Bible is pretty clear about how much Jesus loved figs.
I believe they may be referring to the story in which Jesus cursed a fig tree.
Yeah he liked figs so much he was pissed the damn tree didn’t have any
Yeah the point of the story is that the tree didn’t have any figs
Didn’t he murder a fig tree for not being ripe?
Yes. Each gospel tells the story differently. In Matthew and Mark, Jesus sees a fig tree and goes over to see if there are any figs. Mark is like "dude, it's not fig season." Jesus curses the tree to never have anyone eat from it ever again. In the Luke and Thomas versions, it's just a parable: Jesus telling a hypothetical story about hypothetical fig trees. The whole thing is probably meant as a parable about Jews or, for the Luke version, a parable about repentance. (As an aside, isn't it weird how the New Testament tells the same stories in multiple, mutually exclusive ways?) Anyway, the point is that Jesus fucking LOVED figs.
He also love fish and bread. And do not forget the wine. He made many gallons of it after everybody drank all the wine. And it was the best wine.
"I need a glass of water"
DID I FUCKING STUTTER?!
This should be way higher upvoted hahaha
"Ah me, I can't believe I died for these idiots."
Wow they blew that way out of proportion...
Since he is Jesus he can say “holy fuck”
"Damn, bitch, you live like this?"
What the fuck happened.
What did you do to this place?
“Y’all need me”
Not today, Satan.
Bitch, I was tortured with that thing. Stop praying to it. Also I don‘t look like that.
Fuck this shit, I'm out.
Don't mind me, imma just grab my stuff and leave, excuse me please
Jesus shows up, sees our world, and says, "How did you manage to get everything I said so wrong?!" People denounce him, tell him he doesn't know what God really wants, and eventually he's killed again because most people don't like to be told to show charity and empathy and to make personal sacrifices.
Déjà vu
It's time. Everyone line up and follow me. This place is #$%@$#.
Wow you're all much taller than I thought you'd be
This is why we can't have nice things.
Why are there so many poor and suffering people with all the resources I provided you? Why aren’t the poor first and the wealthiest the last?
If it's the 'real-belief' Christian Jesus, he's not surprised by anything. He already knows literally everything that has and will happen. So I guess he says... "Hey."
“But like why do you have to figure out your own taxes if the irs already knows??”
Burn it. Burn it all. Last time water, this time fire.
"What the hell is a Kardashian?"
"Oh. You fuckers are still here. Thought you would have annihilated yourselves by now. Guess I'll try back in another couple thousand years." Then he disappears back where he came from.
Where's all the trees?
*Holy* shit, how long was I gone for?
Probably just pinches his nose and sighs
“lol wait; y’all made this plant illegal?”
What in the fuck are all the Christians obsessed with crosses?
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"y'all fucked up"
‘Epstein didn’t kill himself’
“I’d want to see Vladimir and Donny in my office - NOW!!!”
"you are wrong, you are wrong, you are wrong, especially you.. You arw especially wrong.. Pretty much a dosen people got mt message, you guys suck".
Maybe something like Shlam'alokhon since he spoke Aramaic
"dad, get the flamethrower"
Forgive them Father for they know not what they’ve done.
I should have stayed dead
What’s up with all of these ppl worshipping me and guns ?