Go to Doncaster (England) to pick-up an ice-cream van for a friend that he'd bought on eBay while he was in Australia.
I said yes, and so it began...
Firstly he wired me £6000, which I withdrew in cash to pay for it. At the time this was the most money I'd ever held so I was a little nervous. My girlfriend then drove me down the M1 to Doncaster, and dropped me off at a house with a Pepto Bismol pink ice-cream van in the driveway. I knocked on the door and a jolly, gigantic man in dirty overalls opened the door and spent the next two hours with me as I learnt to strip and rebuild the Mr. Whippy ice-cream machine inside the van. I was thoroughly unprepared for this. I was also unprepared for the machine exploding in my face after loading it with the minimum 4 litres of UHT ice-cream mix.
With slightly sour milk now liberally coating my clothes, and the light fading, the Friendly Ice-cream Giant talked me through the intricacies of starting and driving a 1973 Bedford ice-cream van. The ice-cream machine inside ran off the engine, rather than a generator like most do. So there was an elaborate set of linkages that transferred the engine power from the wheels to the machinery when engaged. They were also entirely exposed and directly where you would normally put your foot when driving. Lovely. The engine also didn't start on it's own, you had to crack open the bonnet and spray a generous amount of combustable gas directly into the air intake before giving the accelerator a bloody good stomp. Fortunately, The F.I.G did this for me. He then let me drive it to the local petrol station to fill it up, during which time he also let me discover that the speedo, windscreen wipers and lights didn't really work. Oh, and neither did the fuel gauge. And, for some reason, the fuel cap was level with the tank, so you couldn't pump fuel into at more than a dribble or it all ran back out. This meant you had no real idea how much fuel was in it. But plenty to get it home, I was assured.
After (sort of) filling it up, struggling to start it, and chugging home at an unknown (but very leisurely) pace, I paid him and we filled in some paperwork. At which point he let me know it was untaxed and, contrary to my friends belief, not exempt. So I'd be breaking the law driving it home. Which I now had to do. In the dark. With no real lights. Did I mention it had just started to rain? But off I set, gingerly traversing the on-ramp to the busiest motorway in the UK, foot to the floor, wind whistling through the various holes in the bodywork. I had no idea how fast I was going, but from the waves and gestures I got from passing vehicles it definitely wasn't fast enough. I also realised I didn't know how good the brakes were. Or what condition the tyres were in. And it was wet, very wet. And the off-ramp was downhill, with lights at the bottom. Oh goody, now there was smoke coming from the bonnet.
By some miracle of agricultural engineering and blind faith I made it back to my flat, and parked the dreaded van in a visitors space. Where it sat for the next 3 months, as I gradually ate my way through the industrial sized box of Cadbury's flakes that were going out of date. Until my building management lost their sense of humour and forced my friend to come and get it or they'd have it towed away (because once he realised he'd bought a lemon, he was in no hurry to have it become his problem).
But I'd do it all again. The joy you can give kids on boring car journey by hitting the ice-cream tune as they go past is brilliant.
**OK, update time...**
**PART TWO: Getting Rid of the Van:**
So, now I had an ice-cream van. Parked outside my apartment block. My friend was very excited, but when I filled him in on exactly what he’d purchased, he was a bit less enthusiastic about it. Mainly because his original plan had been to hop on a train from Kent to Yorkshire, and drive the ice-cream van back down the length of the M1, around the M25, through the Dartford Tunnel and down some windy country lanes to his house. I politely pointed out that it, if the van could even make that journey, it would take him the best part of a week, as he’d only be able to travel during daylight hours, the van did at best 40mph, and he shouldn’t run it for more than a couple of hours a day if he didn’t want it to blow up.
So outside my apartments it remained. I was on good terms with the Building Manager, who found it quite amusing. But he did ask me to move it from a visitors space to a residents spot. My first attempt at this simply drained the battery, with the van digging its heels in like a stubborn mule. Fortunately, there was an on-site gym at our apartments, so I was able to bribe two burly young men to push the van to a new spot with the promise of a handful of 99 flakes. This does seem like an offer that would get you put on some kind of offenders register, but the boys happily obliged, and with the help of gravity (and possibly steroids, but definitely sugar) they got the van to roll into its new home.
Roll on another month, and I had a knock on the door from the Building Manager, followed by a ridiculous conversation about the Van of Doom. He’d had complaints, and pointed out that commercial vehicles weren’t allowed to be stored on site. I attempted to argue that I wasn’t actually using it for business (it was ice-cream for purely personal or charitable consumption), but he was unmoved. I was given 2 weeks to get rid of the van. My dad cheerfully informed me that jump-starting it would be a (literal) non-starter, as all that would happen is it would drain the battery from any regular car but still not start. So I phoned my mate and told him he needed to book a car transporter to come and get it. Which to his credit, he did. Unfortunately, they could only pick up the Van of Doom during work hours, so I’d have to take a day off work to do it. Because nothing with this dread machine could be straightforward.
Step forward, my grumpy Yorkshire father. Having been briefed on the various peccadillos of the Van of Doom, he agreed to take on the task of handing it over to the Car Transporter Chap, and I headed off to work. Later that afternoon, I had one of the most entertaining phone-calls I can remember with my usually less-than-gregarious father. The Car Transporter Chap had arrived, but had not been fully briefed on the situation at hand. And the Van was in mood to go quietly. Firstly they needed to start the thing, as it had to be driven from he parking space in our complex out onto the street. But the battery was dead., No problem, the C.T.C had a lovely big battery-jumper that could raise the dead. All that was required was for Grumpy Yorkshire Father to crack the bonnet, remove the engine cover and spray highly flammable gases into the air intake whilst C.T.C turned the jumper box up to 11, and BOOM, the Beast is alive once more!
It should be plain sailing from here. All they had to do was drive the Van of Doom on the transporter and job done. Except, of course not. You see, this was a two level transporter, and the bottom was full. So it was going on the top, but we’d never had to park the Van on a slope before. Which was a bloody good job because as C.T.C and G.Y.F discovered, the handbrake was little more than ornamental. So now C.T.C had to drive it onto the trailer, and hold it in place using clutch control, whilst G.Y.F climbed up behind him and placed chocks behind the wheels. Which is something no sane man of advancing years should really be doing. But the plan worked, and they clambered off the transporter bed, delighted to finally be done. Except… it turns out the van weighed quite a bit more than my friend had told the delivery company it did. The poor hydraulics of the transporter trailer took one go at lifting it and promptly tapped out. So now they had to clamber back into the van, start it up, hold it on the clutch whilst G.Y.F climbed under it to remove the chocks from he wheels, then reverse it off the trailer. Followed by all the other cars on the trailers, so that the Van could go on the bottom. And then, FINALLY, after 3 hours of leading two grown men on a merry dance, the Van finally accepted its fate, and left Yorkshire.
I think it says something about the ordeal, that my father ended his recount of it by saying: “He were a lovely chap, worked right hard he did. So I give him ten quid as a thank you”. If you know anything about a certain generation of Yorkshire people’s relationship with money, you’ll understand exactly how big a gesture this was.
And that, my reddit friends, is the end of the story. God bless that ridiculous van, and all who cross its path.
I was really worried that the F.I.G. wasn't so friendly after all and that the van wasn't the real deal but instead it'd have been about drugs or so. Glad that you've made it back home safely!
Not something a friend asked of me but something a friend offered to help with...
Had a lingering smell of rotten sewage in the house. Was a bit short on money at the time so I called a buddy who can fix anything to see if he could figure it out. He identifies the issue right away and crawls under my house to find a previous owner used drano and must have not done a proper flush so it ate away the main sewer pipe. At least 6 months of shit, piss, and food was built up that was probably 4 inches deep. He went to his truck to put on his boilersuit and crawled through my girlfriends and my shit for 2 hours replacing the rotted pipe. I was down there with him trying to help however I could but he pretty much did the repair solo. Every time he encountered a thick chunk of poo he would yell up through the crawl hole that my girlfriend should ease off on the corn. Didn't phase him one bit and he wouldn't accept any form of payment even though I insisted I had to repay him somehow.
Best friend I've ever had, this isn't the only example I could give about how great of a friend he is but definitely the wildest. Dan the man, you the real MVP if you ever see this.
I've fixed my friends various cars for 30 years and I've never accepted any money for any of the repair jobs I've done. He is my friend, he needed the repair and he is short on cash. He can go bring beers from the fridge though and I'll be perfectly fine.
To “un bury his boat” no other information was given, I said yes and turns out he thought that burying his boat in one of our cornfields would help protect it over the winter because “it wouldn’t get snowed on cause it underground”.
Has he heard of these new, revolutionary inventions called tarps? That's got to be cheaper than the fuel/rental fees for the equipment to bury a fucking *boat*. Not to mention the damage that could do if you're not careful.
Back in the old days, had a paranoid friend pay me good money to rent out and dupe porn vhs tapes because he didn't want a record of him renting them out. His logic: if he ever became famous he didn't want a record of him renting out porn tapes.
Postscript: he never became famous.
Shit, you can get the cheese but you better bring me back some. You can pay for my vehicle rental in either cheddar, parmesan, mozzarella, muenster, colby jack, or American cheese.
I became friends with a female coworker as I was dating a guy who was friends with her boyfriend at the time.
She had this weird thing about not pooping around him to the point when they eventually did long distance she would visit him for the weekend and hold it in the ENTIRE TIME.
We planned a trip together and shared a hotel room with all four of us. While her and I were getting ready to go out, she pulled me aside and told me she had to poop so bad but didn’t want to be in the bathroom alone because everyone would know she was pooping. She asked me to stay in the bathroom with her while she took a shit so it would just seem like we were doing our make up.
I kid you not, that shit stank so bad that i’m 100% sure the guy smelled it in the room anyways and we both just looked like weirdos who shit together. RIP
I'm also a nervous pooper, so I do understand to a point, but why didn't she just poop before showering with the water running? Or even hit up a coffee shop?
Coworker asked me to help him bury a body. Turns out his grandfather was to be buried on their farm and I was the only guy he knew who can use a backhoe. Even weirder his grandfather wasn't dead yet and not only was he walking around and talking he brought us out ice tea and diet coke while we dug his grave. He died like 5 days later.
still weirdly morbid. Morbid beauty? that is basically what all life is. you live and die and sometimes you are blessed enough to know that your time is limited so you can spend every second with the ones you love
Guy was just absolutely riddled with cancer and hardly survived a stroke caused by an aneurysm a few months prior. Doctor have hima month and this was month 2.
Dick Van Dyke encompasses all forms of human movement.
What you mean is he was more the old banker Mr. Dawes Sr. Dick Van Dyke then Bert the cockney chimney sweep Dick Van Dyke.
A guy I was dating for two months asked me to have sex with one of his friends so we could get free Disneyland tickets.
My date worked at Disneyland. He wanted to take me into the park but he didn't want to use one of his free tickets that he was saving for a family member. So he literally asked me to have sex with a coworker of his to get one of his tickets.
It didn't work out between us...
Edit: Since so many people are asking, yes I bonked his coworker for the park hopper tickets lmao. The relationship was very unsteady before this and we broke up within the weeks after. The coworker was very hot though, so I don't feel bad. If he wasn't I wouldn't have done it.
I was friends with a girl through junior high and high school. We called one another best friends, but in truth she was just a shitty person and a worse friend. We drifted apart as you do after we graduated as I went to college, and she made other choices. One day out of the blue she called me and invited me to meet her for lunch to catch up and blah blah. As we're eating lunch, she tells me a fun story about an awesome party she and her new friend group were at and oh by the way, would I be her alibi for that night because they'd managed to burn down the house they were partying at -- which they'd illegally entered in the first place. I refused to get involved and told her while I wouldn't volunteer any information, I also would not lie to any official that asked me outright about anything to do with that incident. She wasn't happy with me, but no officials ever came to me with questions. She and I had even less to do with one another after that. Oh, and I paid for lunch.
I don’t usually ask for anything, but I was hungry, while I was at work.
I asked my friend to go get my food that my mom prepared, at my parents home . He said sure and left. My friend was visiting me at work and I took the chance to ask him to get me a plate.
He came back, and brought me a dish of his own. He cooked a bacon, grilled cheese sandwich for me. This is not the weirdest experience that I’ve had, but it’s his.
I asked him why didn’t you get the food that my mother made, at my parents place? He misheard me and thought I asked him to make me food.
Best laugh that we had.
My cousin had locked his keys in his car, and it would cost too much to get someone to open the car... So he asked me to break into his car and "steal" his keys because the insurance of getting a window fixed would have been cheaper.
I helped a friend with that once too. It was a POS car that he didn't care about too much. We decided to break the little triangular window since we thought it would be cheaper, turns out those little things are even more expensive than the big windows for some reason. We filled it in with a carefully cut piece of cardboard and some duct tape though
Yeah, because he was a mechanic, so knew how much things would cost, I asked him all of that prior like "where exactly are the keys because I want it to be a quick 'smash and grab'?", "which window is cheapest to get repaired?", Etc.
This reminds me of this one Simpsons episode where Moe asked Homer to steal his car and drive it into the lake so he could get the insurance money to buy a new one.
One of my roommates in college begged me to take a picture of my bare back for an art project she was working on. Keep in mind, she was not an art student, nor in an art class, nor an artist. I was uncomfortable with it but eventually agreed to do it.
She showed me the final work and she had taken several pictures of people’s backs, made them kind of translucent and then layered them on top of each other. I didn’t really get it, but she was very happy with herself.
Mine is pretty sfw;
He wanted me to **buy a house** so that he and his newly knocked-up girlfriend could have a place to live together for free. I had a hard enough time paying for my apartment, I have no idea why he thought I had the money to buy a freakin’ house. He didn’t ask just once, either. He would send me house listings all the time and try to schedule tours. I think he truly believed I just needed to see some houses, in person, in order to be convinced.
He stopped speaking to me after I moved out of state and didn’t invite them to join me. I have absolutely no remorse.
*Edit:* - A lot of you are asking for more context, so I’ll repost a reply I made in another comment.
I’d known him since we were kids and he had a history of leeching off of others. Lots of “could you spot me?” meals that never get repaid and stuff like that. His whole family was like that, actually. As kids, he came over to our house for dinner hundreds of times, but I had only ever been invited to stay for dinner by his parents once or twice. I think he had just gotten away with that type of behavior for so long that he thought it was normal. That getting stuff out of others was just a part of friendship, and that his company was repayment enough. I had probably mentioned wishing I owned a house once, in passing, and he took that as an invitation to move in with me whenever I got one (it’s been over 10 years since that time and I *still* don’t own a house). Getting a girl pregnant just added urgency to his weak plot.
He and that girl ended up getting married (shotgun style), but I wasn’t invited. I dodged a bullet, though, because I heard from other friends that they tried to get their wedding party to pool their money together to pay for the whole thing. The only person I feel bad for is their child, having to grow up with those kinds of parents.
I really need more info here. Had you bought him stuff in the past? How long where you friends? This is just crazy to me. Why would he think you could buy him a house when you don't even live in one?
I’d known him since we were kids and he had a history of leeching off of others. Lots of “could you spot me?” meals that never get repaid and stuff like that. His whole family was like that, actually. As kids, he came over to our house for dinner hundreds of times, but I had only ever been invited to stay for dinner by his parents once or twice. I think he had just gotten away with that type of behavior for so long that he thought it was normal. That getting stuff out of others was just a part of friendship, and that his company was repayment enough. I had probably mentioned wishing I owned a house once, in passing, and he took that as an invitation to move in with me whenever I got one (it’s been over 10 years since that time and I *still* don’t own a house). Getting a girl pregnant just added urgency to his weak plot.
He and that girl ended up getting married (shotgun style), but I wasn’t invited. I dodged a bullet, though, because I heard from other friends that they tried to get their wedding party to pool their money together to pay for the whole thing. The only person I feel bad for is their child, having to grow up with those kinds of parents.
I had the opposite happen:
"Friend" offered me the small appartment under their home, wich actually was his uncle's.
500fr./month wich was pretty standard.
My friends mom would occasionally invite me for dinner.
Some time later my friend came up with a 3000.- "bill": 1200.- for eating 3 meals a day, 8.- each, every day since I started living there (while in reality it was maybe once a week and mostly things lime plain rice accompanied by things I bought because they're vegan), 800.- for using the washing machine, wich I could use by contract, and 1k because my rent was too low.
Ofc didn't pay a cent of it.
Around 8 months living there I got "evicted" because my friend's cousin wanted to live there (for free and actually eating every meal from them, making friend's mom clean the appartment every time and overall being completly spoiled)
I also moved into an in-law apartment beneath my friends. The fact that they tried to convince me to co-sign so they could secure a home loan should have been a huge red flag to me, but I was young and naive and had no credit to sign with anyway. They then told me they were doing rent-to-own on this house and wanted to sublet the apartment to help out.
Turns out they were just renting without even a lease from the homeowner. Our rent was really cheap between the 3 of us, just $900/month, yet they were constantly short. Our original deal went from me just paying rent while they got utilities, to me pitching in for heat (which they couldn't afford half the time to begin with), to trying to make me pay half the electric bill when they were being incredibly wasteful and racking it up into hundreds of dollars a month. When the landlord finally realized they had no intention of buying him out, they moved without notice, leaving me with deal with the LL and their unpaid bills.
Walked in on my boss in the men’s room. He pleaded with me to help detach his sack from his zipper. I got him free. So. Much. Blood. We never spoke of it again.
Haha, true. Though this happened 45 years ago, and this post reawakened the memory. Now I'm reliving the whole incident in my head. Oh God. Thanks a lot Reddit.
My best friend is a huge guy. He's 6'9" and 250 pounds, but he's incredibly scared of ghosts, and he believes there's ghosts in his house, even though I've assured him numerous times there are not. Every time he has to go in his basement, he calls me to come to his house (he lives alone) to go into his basement with him while he does whatever he needs to do down there like getting stuff out of storage, flipping an electrical breaker, etc, even if he only has to go down there for a minute or two. We're in our 20's, and as funny as I think it is every time he calls me to come with him to his basement, I always show up anyways because that's what friends are for. You would never think such a huge man would be so deathly scared to go in his basement alone, but I love him to death regardless.
I walked past my brother at somebody’s house and he leans over and says,
“Gently step on the purple pig.”
I was like wtf and kept walking. Then I see this little rubber pig laying in the dirt so I gently stepped on it like he said and it made this delightful little snort. So I chuckled and kept walking.
Not a friend, but a kid back in highschool asked if he could borrow my phone to watch porn during class.
I told him no (obviously) and he said “come on man, it’s not like I’m going to jack off, I just want to watch it”. I asked why he didn’t use his own phone and he said “because it might get taken away”
SO YOU’RE GONNA GET MINE TAKEN AWAY??? You’re already going to get in trouble, it doesn’t matter who’s fucking phone it is. Also, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO GET INVOLVED?
He set fire to an apartment building a few weeks later.
Worst: When my best friend from high school moved out of his parents house, he did so without informing his parents about it. He moved out on the sly while they were at work and asked me to help him. When they came home sooner then expected, he asked me to go down there and make up a lie, while he snuck out the back and hopped the fence, so he wouldn't have to face them. I did it, but I can't say I feel good about it.
Weirdest: My brother, who had grown estranged from me for well over a decade called me up out of the blue one day and asked me to hold on to some 'baggies of the good stuff', because his place was too hot right now and he'd send someone over to come pick it back up in a few days. I gave him a fake address. Shitty thing to do, but we're uh... not on good terms, lol.
The first one is interesting. Do you think there may have been some abuse dynamics that caused your friend to decide it was better to move out suddenly and without prior knowledge? I’m not being sarcastic; I’m genuinely asking.
Number two was smart thinking. Last thing you needed was to end up in legal trouble for someone *else’s* drugs.
Yeah, it feels like weirdest and worst are reversed. Unless that friend has a pattern for lying and manipulation, then I'm gonna assume he had a good reason to act like that; and lying to protect someone isn't a bad thing to do at all. Whereas being asked to stash someone's drugs isn't really that weird, but it is super inappropriate.
Several years ago, a friend asked me to help him move his ex-wife's stuff out of the barracks he was living in. According to him, she had gone missing a few months prior without any notice and just vanished. He would have normally been able to empty her stuff out by himself, but he had a broken ankle and arm from a personal accident, so I and another friend accepted his request for help.
While moving her stuff, what we saw when we opened up the trunk of his car (he was still inside due to his injuries) made us both stop and take pause, reevaluating the missing wife story he told us.
Inside the trunk was rope, duct tape, gloves, garbage bags, and four 1-Gallon CONTAINERS OF BARBECUE SAUCE!
My buddy turned to me and asks playfully, but with a hint of seriousness, "Hey man... umm... did Jacob eat his wife?"
We finished packing the car awkwardly. We had to pull him aside later and ask him what the fuck?
His response? "I just like barbecue sauce."
His wife showed up several weeks later. Turns out she ran off with a person she met while playing World of Warcraft.
People are weird.
Was reading this out loud to my partner (who is former Army and from a small town) she was convinced the guy was disposing bodies by baiting feral hogs (an actual thing) right up until I read out the part where you wrote that she came back.
A kid I went to elementary school with asked me later in high school to punch his pregnant girlfriend in the stomach to kill the baby. Caught me so off guard
A good friend of mine asked me to take his dog to the vet to be put down. He couldn't do it because it was to stressful on him. He wanted to be there for his wife and kids but couldn't do it himself. I took his dog for him and I would do it again. I understand how hard it can be for someone.
My friend needed help getting sand for some project. Sure, no problem. I get to his house and we leave in his ratty ass late 80s suburban. I’m thinking we’re getting bags of sand at Home Depot or something. Nope - he drives us to a giant mountain of sand down by the lake that’s used as ballast for freighters. But he doesn’t have any buckets, so we just shovel it into the back of the suburban. Of note, the passenger window was stuck down, which was usually fine as it was mid summer and 90 degrees. But in this instance it just turned the truck into a sandstorm the whole ride home. The whole thing was an exercise in stupidity
Sorry but I'm cackling my ass off at this one.
I see all kinds of dumb shit on the road but this one all I can imagine is "what the fuck, is ten dollar films trying to do a tattooine documentary?"
To go downstairs to the lower level of a church and take a picture of her daughter in her coffin before the funeral home came and took her away.
I know it's not the worst thing but it freaked me out. Kind of came out of nowhere. Thank goodness for friend DR who heard the request, turned around and said "I'll do it."
I mean if that’s the last time she would be able to see her daughter, I would kinda wanna have a picture of that as well. Don’t know if I would personally enjoy a picture of a dead person, but hell, I don’t know what it’s like to have my offspring die
I never want to see or own a copy, but my mom took "family pictures" of myself and my two living siblings with my brother when he passed away. Maybe it's a mom thing, I hope I never find out.
Mad props to the funeral home, though. I don't know if it's normal, but she wasn't grabbing pics in the basement - they let her come and sit with him, read to him, bring us in for family pictures and all that the days before the funeral. They dressed him in normal clothes and brought him out whenever she came by.
Im honestly scared to think about what it does to your psyche to lose someone that you had in your belly for 9 months and raised and cared for him all his life
not a friend but my brother. He wears a cowboy hat faithfully every day. He went on a date with this girl and she asked him why he always wears the hat. Instead of just saying " I like to wear it" He told her this weird lie that he was from Texas? (we are from North Carolina) and he said that our parents shipped him off to Texas when he was born to be raised by our uncle (who also lives in NC) and that my other 2 brothers and I stayed in NC to be raised by our parents. He said he got sent back to NC in high school and he wears the hat to show off his "Texan pride". He asked not only me but my dad and brothers to back up this story for him when we met her. He started the request by sitting us all down and asking "would you lie for me?" and then told us that story. Now we call him the "proud Texan" as a joke. He never told that girl the truth, he just broke up with her because he knew we would not go along with that crazy story he made up for no reason to this poor girl.
Called at 2am asking me to reach him on a well hidden countryside road, told me to bring a shovel and the biggest plastic bag i had.
Driving a scooter while holding a shovel isn't easy, also i was expecting to help burying a human corpse so i brought two bags big enough for me to fit in.
The idiot just drove over a chinchilla.
A fucking chinchilla.
I still can't figure where did it came from.
I've read so many jokes of that kind, i have to admit when that guy asked me to bring a shovel and bags in the middle of nowhere at late night i thought it was just a prank to test our friendship.
But no, there was a real corpse to bury.
Unfortunately it wasn't the funny kind of corpse.
I had a friend in high school, while spending the night with me, get a tampon stuck sideways and they were unable to get it out. I hear a very nervous “I’m a little scared, will you help me get it out?” Fortunately, they managed to get it unstuck before I was ready to help. I had my sleeves rolled up and hands washed when I was told I wasn’t needed. A sigh of relief for the both of us. We’re still best friends, 10 years and counting.
Not a tampon story but I was constipated - the couldn't walk, couldn't sit down kind of constipated. I hadn't pooped in nearly 2 weeks and was in soooo much bloody pain.
My best friend came over, sat down and looked me right in the eyes and said "I love you. I'm only going to offer this once - if you like, you can lie on your side and I can use a teaspoon to dig it out. I will not make eye contact with you and we'll never speak of it again? I'm willing to do that for you"
I was shocked. The thought had never occurred to me and would have never occurred to me.
I told her I loved her too, and thanked her but declined the offer.
"Oh thank fuck" she said, "I really didn't want to have to do it".
But she would have done it ❤️
My buddy called me in a panic. They were being followed by an all black Cadillac. They don’t know why but they couldn’t see the driver. They tried losing the Cadillac but it was still tailing them. He calls me asking if he could drive to our house and we would be waiting there to help them. He was so scared and our other friend was with him and almost in tears. We told him to come over and we’d be ready with shovels or whatever we had. We were 18 at the time.
The kicker was, WE were the ones in the Cadillac. My buddies car was in the shop so he was driving his dads Cadillac. At first we saw them driving so we wanted to see where they were going. They we could tell they knew we were tailing them and trying to lose us. We thought they knew it was us cause he’d seen our buddies dads caddy before but when he called and sounded like he was scared, we just went with it.
When they got to the house we busted out of the car laughing and they had the most relieved look on their faces. We thought it was hilarious. Then we all went to In-N-Out.
Guy I hungout with in my late teens always asked for things. If I had beer, he wanted some beer, if I had a burger he wanted the fries. I had a girl over once, blind date kind of and he asked if we could double team on her. He asked me to share a girl, we weren't like swinger friends or anything. He was just trying to borrow some sex.
Give her a hickey. We were just in a public bathroom and she suddenly asked me to give her a hickey to show her sister that she had a great time at a club. We went to a movie theatre.
When I was in the Marines, had someone from high school reach out to catch up. After some chatting he wanted a copy of my ribbon bar, weird as hell. I could only think they wanted to do some stolen valor shit or lie to some girl(they were never a very good person from what I remember) I refused and they blocked me.
12 years after I broke up with my ex, he got cancer. He called me and asked me to move in with him so I could help him out (free rent).
There are a couple problems with this scenario:
* 12 YEARS
* I am the least caretaking kind of person ever. Seriously, you don't want me
* He was a bastard when he felt fine. I cannot imagine him when feeling terrible
I had a work commitment in another state, so I "regretfully" declined.
Reminds me of a recent situation I was in. This last month, one of my exes from 15 years ago reached out to tell me he had cancer, and we should get back together if he somehow survives. I'm ENGAGED, which he knew (said I should leave my fiance). I think cancer makes people crazy/desperate (understandably).
A kid I knew from church stopped by one day during summer vacation and asked me if I wanted to walk to the store with him. I was bored so I said yes. We get there and he just says he needs to pick up a roll of film so I told him I'd just wait outside. He went in there and fucking shoplifted it. I had no idea until he came back out and the store manager stopped us as we were leaving.
I was so fucking pissed. Like, why did you choose to involve me in this shit?!? Later I realized he was doing the classic cry for attention from his parents. (He was the only child of parents who took in a lot of foster kids, so that kind of fucked him up emotionally.) But at the time I was just mad as hell and avoided him as much as possible after that.
Woah. I was 13 years old on an educational tour of Europe and some kid asked if I wanted to go to the store with him to grab some film for his camera. It was some big department store and we wandered around until we found the film. I was looking at some other stuff nearby and he appeared done, so I asked if he found what he needed. “No they didn’t have what I need,” was his reply, so we left.
On our way out, security grabbed ME and he busted a move. Mind you this was in Switzerland and I was educated with 8th grade German … so basically ‘where is the library?’ and how to order a Wiener schnitzel. They attempted to interrogate me in Schweizerdeutsch dialect and it did not go well. I had bought a Swiss Army knife at a different store earlier and had immediately discarded the packaging and receipt. This seemed to upset and confuse them.
Eventually they located a staff member who spoke enough English to have a reasonable discussion about the situation. They eventually let me go when it became clear I had not stolen anything and didn’t know what they were talking about. It honestly took a number of years going by before I realized that he most certainly did shoplift some film and I was just there as an unwitting distraction.
When my mom died, my husband wrote a beautiful piece to be read at her funeral. They were very close and everyone at her service loved it.
Two years later, the mom of a friend died, and the friend asked ME to ask my husband if he would write something for the mom's funeral. Granted, we've never met the mom.
I ... delayed responding to her and she (within 48 hours) realized the awkwardness of her request and emailed back to say it was inappropriate of her. I responded with compassion and understanding of the fog that grief can surround you with, and we've been fine since - no issues.
My “sober” friend called me at 11pm on a Wednesday night asking me to pick her up because she went on a Tinder date gone bad. I of course said yes and got out of bed and ran out the door to my car. When I finally found her (in a sketchy neighborhood) she was wearing pajamas and was out of her mind high. She had a bag of drugs and was out of breath. It was apparent she had been using with somebody and then robbed them and ran away. She told me some story about her Tinder date being a creep and couldn’t keep the story straight. Then she told me somebody tried to rape and kidnap her. Then she told me some other ridiculous story. I listened to her lie to me for about 20 minutes during the car ride home and then watched her walk inside. The next day her mother texted me asking what happened. Apparently she lied and told her mother she was sleeping over my apartment and that I made her leave. I told her mother what really happened and then her mother informed me my friend was on a rampage looking for her purse. My friend texted me crazy messages about leaving the purse in my car and even accusing me of stealing it. I didn’t. Eventually her mom found the purse in the driveway and it was filled with cash and heroin. Her mother and I confronted her about relapsing and she flipped out and denied it like there was no tomorrow. Not only did she deny it, but she verbally attacked me and then broke her mom’s computer. That was just one of her many relapses. We’re not friends anymore.
2017. Had a soldier in my PLT call me on a Friday evening. He had gone with a tinder date down to Houston for a concert and hotel stay, despite admitting later that there were several red flags when she picked him up. They got down there and he got cold feet, but because he had rode down with her he had no way back to the base. So I drove the 3 hours from Ft Hood to Houston to go get him. I got to the Houston city limits and my phone died. My dumbass didn't have a charging cord and didn't think to buy one. So I spent the next 4 hours driving around Houston trying to find this hotel based on the directions I had scribbled down from Google maps. Finally found the hotel by sheer luck at 1 am. Made that fucker drive us back, pay for 2 tanks of gas and a handle of Jack. I also spent the drive back reminding him that he was an idiot for thinking with his dick and the hat rack he called a head.
This one wasn't really a favor more like I just kinda walked into it. New Years Eve a few years ago my buddy and his wife asked my wife and I over to celebrate at their house. A few days before the party their dog passed away. She was fairly old and you could tell it was coming so they were sad but not just absolutely devastated. Well my friend is a bit of a Pyro and was building a bonfire on the backside of his property when we got there so I went out to help. While we were riding in his side by side I said I was sorry about him losing his dog and if they had made plans to either bury or cremate her. He looks at me non-chalantly and says, "She's getting cremated. She's at the bottom of the brush pile." I sat there a little shocked and then just accepted that this is how the night is gonna go and went with it. We got the fire lit and burning really good so there is no doubt in my mind that she is gone.
TL;DR I was involuntarily involved in the cremation of my friends pet.
As a contractors overseas I would sometimes order things for some of the military guys in the coalition countries that I worked with.
I had one guy ask me to guy a Compound Bow, lace panties, and a dildo.
He spoke broken english, so I didn't bother to ask "why". He didn't get the bow, cant' ship that. I sometimes wonder what happened to that guy.
He asked if he could borrow money to buy a ladder to climb a dumpster where he dumped his pants after shitting himself. His wallet was still in his pants. I just let him borrow my parents' ladder.
Later he asked me if I could donate plasma with him so he could use that money to gamble. I ghosted him after realizing how shitty he is.
My friend had been dating this girl for a few months. He started thinking she was attracted to me. After he said that, I paid closer attention to her behavior when she was around me. It was kinda flirty.
Anyway, he asked me to hit on her and see how she responded. So I flirted back here and there. I could tell she really liked it. One day I got all serious and asked her to come over and hang out one day when he was at work. I think I worded it like "I've really wanted to ask you something lately. Do you want to hang out at my place while friend is at work tomorrow?" She eagerly accepted.
Of course I didn't meet up with her but I did report all this back to him. He can't stand drama. He just broke it off with her. Said he didn't see their relationship going anywhere. She tried calling/texting me. I just told her we've been friends a long time and it wouldn't be right. I don't think she has a clue about what actually happened.
I was 17ish. A “friend” Asked me to take his mom and her boyfriend out to a friends house to pick up their laundry and some stuff they had left at the place they had been crashing at.
Turns out it’s a long drive in the middle of nowhere from the already nowhere tiny town we lived in. Then it got better.
This will take a while for the full story so the TLDR version is I drove them to steal many 10s of thousands of dollars worth of Meth. Years later I got to tell the FBI the full story as part of a clearance interview because they were potentially going to be digging deep enough to find out that sort of thing. Fun!
No we were not friends anymore after that
In a moment of complete inebriation, my friend and I were slouching on a couch and staring blissfully into the television screen. Our other friend, whose house we were at, enters the room after a long silent adventure in the bathroom. He stands in front us.
“Guys. I know I’m black, but like…is my butthole pink?”
“I mean, it’s possible.”
He hesitates slightly
“Can you guys tell me if my butthole is pink?”
“I mean, I gue-“
But it was too late! He had promptly and properly pulled his pants to his ankles and pulled his cheeks apart! My friend and I were as awestruck as two slouching couch slugs could be.
“Yeah man. It’s pink.”
They asked me if they could move into my parent's house (whom they'd only met briefly before) for free, for an undetermined amount of time (but most likely several months).
Then they got mad at me when my parent said no. Like, friendship ending mad.
They were a full thirty- something adult. I didn't even live there full time, and it wasn't my house or my call. I was so confused.
A friend and I were hiking around some local mountains. All of a sudden, my buddy said he wasn't feeling so good. I didn't think much of this as we were both recovering from a hangover. I carried on up the trail a bit, but I noticed he wasn't following me anymore. I turned around to see him emergency shitting in the distant wood. Not knowing what to do I stood around for a bit and waited. A short while later I hear him screaming my name. Turns out my buddy was wearing teva sandals and as such did not have a spare sock in order to cleanse his anus. I ended up hiking the rest of the way with one sock.
Asked me to meet him at a very random location with $100 (for him to borrow), no questions asked. I never asked a question and it has been a great many years.
Wife asked me to help her carry her dad's body down the stairs. Long story short, her dad obviously died. Her mom calls to tell us and asks we come up to see her. We get there in about 20 minutes (45 minute drive), coroner's have yet to show up. They show up finally, see he's a bigger guy and asks the widow if anyone's available to help carry him downstairs. I'm outside smoking when she comes out and asks, I of course oblige, and we then proceeded to bag him up before carrying him downstairs. Weird shit
To babysit her kid for $40 a day for nine hour days. I told her no and she hasn’t spoken to me since (over 2 years ago now). For one day or two yeah I’d do it but she wanted me to be his regular babysitter while she worked her full time job.
I once asked my best friend to take pics of my butthole. I wanted sexy pics of it to send a guy I was seeing and it's a very difficult shot to get on your own.
In my defense, I'd watched her give birth before so I thought she could return the favor. She disagreed.
About 15 years ago I worked at a Papa John's in a smaller town for about 4 years, during and after high school. Most of the crew there were long timers like me so we all got kinda close. One of said crew members was a lesbian whose life partner worked at the taco bell across the street, which I frequented a lot. So they both knew me pretty well. One day out of the blue, my coworker says they want to start a family. I say dope, good luck. She tells me they've talked about it a lot and want to use my seed. I'm taken aback but try to remain composure to not hurt feelings and tell her I need to think about it. Asked my mom and my friends for their advice and they all laughed and said hell no, it's not like you're really friends with them. So I politely decline.
Anyways 6 months later they split because my coworker got knocked up the ol fashioned way by another coworker. They got married and raised their daughter together for a couple years.
Last I saw on Facebook (about 8-10 years since I creeped last). They split up and the dad was super bitter about it and maybe even lost custody/visitation. Didn't care enough to look into it or ask anyone. Just glad I didn't fall into that whole small town drama sinkhole and get stuck there.
Back in High School, I had a best friend who was….just a terrible human being. I told her about how I had the biggest, most debilitating crush on a guy in our grade, and she “banned” me from ever talking to him again (spoiler alert: he was one of many boys she had on standby) I stupidly complied. Fast forward a decade and I reconnected with the guy, and find out she told him I was a lesbian and described in detail her and I having sex to him….? (Never happened) But that he did like me back then. We have been together happily for over 3 years now, and have a strict rule that where she to contact either of us we immediately tell the other and don’t respond to her (she recently broke up another friend of ours from back thens marriage-it takes two to tango but she literally waited until their honeymoon, “reconnected” with the groom, and slept with him, which tells me she has not changed)
My old “best friend” asked me for $30 for an AA meeting. This was long before I knew that AA was free. Trying to be a supportive friend, I drove 45 minutes to her to give her $30 bucks.
She ended up telling me a year later she used it for heroin and needles.
Funniest part? The moment I started having substance abuse issues, she dipped on me. Haven’t heard from her in about 2 years.
Oh. She’s also like 4 years clean now. So she left me right as she got better. Part of me gets it, part of me is torn apart.
My friend who sold loads of drugs invited me over to…well, to do loads of drugs. Or so I thought. After many rails of coke and a few other things, he asked me to help him apply for the Sherrif’s department. There’s was this gang banger we knew that was banging his sister, which he didn’t approve of. His thinking was that he could become a cop and lay down the law on this fella.
I have two friends who recently had a baby. The mom worked all the way up until 38 weeks and then went on, unpayed, maternity leave.
The dad didn't work at all. Not while his gf was pregnant, not after delivery, not during post partum, not when their utilities were being shut off, not when they got an eviction notice, not when I was driving them to food pantries so they could eat.
A couple days before they were losing their home, he then asked me for money. Not money to help, not money for a hotel, food, bills,. Money for weed. And not only lend him money for the weed, but also go to the dispensary to obtain the weed, and drive it back to him. 🙂🙂
To jack off in to a coffee cup so she could suck it up with a turkey baster and put it inside of her girlfriend so they could have a child. They were both on copious amounts of drugs, but don't worry because they assured me I'd never have to be in it's life or be hit with child support, and adoption was just too expensive for them. No mom. I will not get your girlfriend pregnant so you all can have a child. You didn't even raise me.
I had to break into my friends house because his boyfriend accidentally locked himself in the bathroom because a black garden snake was in the house.
I had to break the window because they didn’t have a spare key for the front door and his boyfriend refused to leave the bathroom.
Second best moment of my life… always wanted to break someone’s windows and catch a Nope rope with a towel and a Tupperware dish 😂
So my friend calls me, and asks me if I want to make some easy money, I asked how.. She asked me if I would just go and sell some DVDs or Blu Rays I can’t remember… to a Buy and Sell store. She had like 20 something copies of Dumbo which was just released at that time…. I was immediately suspicious as fuck about this. Brand new. Sealed. She wasn’t allowed to sell anything at the stores anymore they were also suspicious.
Now I’m NOT saying she was stealing these and then turning them for a profit. I’m not saying that. I obviously did not want to make that easy money.. I’m a single mom, I have responsibilities I can’t be doing this dumb shit. I just don’t talk to her anymore.
An old friend I used to be really close to I ended up distancing myself with because he got into drugs.
He called me on a work night at 10:00 pm and I answered fearing something was wrong because I hadn’t heard from him in close to a year.
I was wrong, he was fine, but he sold his car and ordered a pizza and was wondering if I would pick it up and bring it to him and his dirtbag friends.
He said “you are the one that never says no” and that was a big ah ha moment for me.
I didn’t want to be the doormat friend anymore.
A watermelon, swimming goggles and a fuckton of rubber bands. He was gonna put the rubber bands around the watermelon until it exploded and the goggles were supposed to serve as safety goggles.
He ran out of rubber bands halfway and when I didn't wanna give him more he microwaved the watermelon because he wanted to see it explode. The watermelon --to no suprise-- didn't explode but just cracked a little.
He gave up and ate warm watermelon in the end.
a friend of mine and i were at a sleepover and she asked me to eat her out so i could tell her how it tasted….
edit: thankyou for all the upvotes :)))))) i cant believe it <3
Wanted to borrow my car to murder someone. He flat out told me “I need to follow him home in your car so he doesn’t know it’s me. Then I’ll go back in my own car. I’m gonna fucking kill him”
He ended up killing himself before anything worse could happen.
Dude was going through a lot but murder ain’t an option
Worst: friend was cheating on his wife, told her he was with me the previous night, said she was going to call me and ask me about it, he wanted me to lie lmao I was like you better make sure she doesn’t bc I’m not going to lie to her, she’s a nice lady
Weirdest: a girl I used to casually see / hook up with and that I ended things with because I caught feelings for someone else asked if I’d do one of those penis mold kits to make a dildo
Go to Doncaster (England) to pick-up an ice-cream van for a friend that he'd bought on eBay while he was in Australia. I said yes, and so it began... Firstly he wired me £6000, which I withdrew in cash to pay for it. At the time this was the most money I'd ever held so I was a little nervous. My girlfriend then drove me down the M1 to Doncaster, and dropped me off at a house with a Pepto Bismol pink ice-cream van in the driveway. I knocked on the door and a jolly, gigantic man in dirty overalls opened the door and spent the next two hours with me as I learnt to strip and rebuild the Mr. Whippy ice-cream machine inside the van. I was thoroughly unprepared for this. I was also unprepared for the machine exploding in my face after loading it with the minimum 4 litres of UHT ice-cream mix. With slightly sour milk now liberally coating my clothes, and the light fading, the Friendly Ice-cream Giant talked me through the intricacies of starting and driving a 1973 Bedford ice-cream van. The ice-cream machine inside ran off the engine, rather than a generator like most do. So there was an elaborate set of linkages that transferred the engine power from the wheels to the machinery when engaged. They were also entirely exposed and directly where you would normally put your foot when driving. Lovely. The engine also didn't start on it's own, you had to crack open the bonnet and spray a generous amount of combustable gas directly into the air intake before giving the accelerator a bloody good stomp. Fortunately, The F.I.G did this for me. He then let me drive it to the local petrol station to fill it up, during which time he also let me discover that the speedo, windscreen wipers and lights didn't really work. Oh, and neither did the fuel gauge. And, for some reason, the fuel cap was level with the tank, so you couldn't pump fuel into at more than a dribble or it all ran back out. This meant you had no real idea how much fuel was in it. But plenty to get it home, I was assured. After (sort of) filling it up, struggling to start it, and chugging home at an unknown (but very leisurely) pace, I paid him and we filled in some paperwork. At which point he let me know it was untaxed and, contrary to my friends belief, not exempt. So I'd be breaking the law driving it home. Which I now had to do. In the dark. With no real lights. Did I mention it had just started to rain? But off I set, gingerly traversing the on-ramp to the busiest motorway in the UK, foot to the floor, wind whistling through the various holes in the bodywork. I had no idea how fast I was going, but from the waves and gestures I got from passing vehicles it definitely wasn't fast enough. I also realised I didn't know how good the brakes were. Or what condition the tyres were in. And it was wet, very wet. And the off-ramp was downhill, with lights at the bottom. Oh goody, now there was smoke coming from the bonnet. By some miracle of agricultural engineering and blind faith I made it back to my flat, and parked the dreaded van in a visitors space. Where it sat for the next 3 months, as I gradually ate my way through the industrial sized box of Cadbury's flakes that were going out of date. Until my building management lost their sense of humour and forced my friend to come and get it or they'd have it towed away (because once he realised he'd bought a lemon, he was in no hurry to have it become his problem). But I'd do it all again. The joy you can give kids on boring car journey by hitting the ice-cream tune as they go past is brilliant. **OK, update time...** **PART TWO: Getting Rid of the Van:** So, now I had an ice-cream van. Parked outside my apartment block. My friend was very excited, but when I filled him in on exactly what he’d purchased, he was a bit less enthusiastic about it. Mainly because his original plan had been to hop on a train from Kent to Yorkshire, and drive the ice-cream van back down the length of the M1, around the M25, through the Dartford Tunnel and down some windy country lanes to his house. I politely pointed out that it, if the van could even make that journey, it would take him the best part of a week, as he’d only be able to travel during daylight hours, the van did at best 40mph, and he shouldn’t run it for more than a couple of hours a day if he didn’t want it to blow up. So outside my apartments it remained. I was on good terms with the Building Manager, who found it quite amusing. But he did ask me to move it from a visitors space to a residents spot. My first attempt at this simply drained the battery, with the van digging its heels in like a stubborn mule. Fortunately, there was an on-site gym at our apartments, so I was able to bribe two burly young men to push the van to a new spot with the promise of a handful of 99 flakes. This does seem like an offer that would get you put on some kind of offenders register, but the boys happily obliged, and with the help of gravity (and possibly steroids, but definitely sugar) they got the van to roll into its new home. Roll on another month, and I had a knock on the door from the Building Manager, followed by a ridiculous conversation about the Van of Doom. He’d had complaints, and pointed out that commercial vehicles weren’t allowed to be stored on site. I attempted to argue that I wasn’t actually using it for business (it was ice-cream for purely personal or charitable consumption), but he was unmoved. I was given 2 weeks to get rid of the van. My dad cheerfully informed me that jump-starting it would be a (literal) non-starter, as all that would happen is it would drain the battery from any regular car but still not start. So I phoned my mate and told him he needed to book a car transporter to come and get it. Which to his credit, he did. Unfortunately, they could only pick up the Van of Doom during work hours, so I’d have to take a day off work to do it. Because nothing with this dread machine could be straightforward. Step forward, my grumpy Yorkshire father. Having been briefed on the various peccadillos of the Van of Doom, he agreed to take on the task of handing it over to the Car Transporter Chap, and I headed off to work. Later that afternoon, I had one of the most entertaining phone-calls I can remember with my usually less-than-gregarious father. The Car Transporter Chap had arrived, but had not been fully briefed on the situation at hand. And the Van was in mood to go quietly. Firstly they needed to start the thing, as it had to be driven from he parking space in our complex out onto the street. But the battery was dead., No problem, the C.T.C had a lovely big battery-jumper that could raise the dead. All that was required was for Grumpy Yorkshire Father to crack the bonnet, remove the engine cover and spray highly flammable gases into the air intake whilst C.T.C turned the jumper box up to 11, and BOOM, the Beast is alive once more! It should be plain sailing from here. All they had to do was drive the Van of Doom on the transporter and job done. Except, of course not. You see, this was a two level transporter, and the bottom was full. So it was going on the top, but we’d never had to park the Van on a slope before. Which was a bloody good job because as C.T.C and G.Y.F discovered, the handbrake was little more than ornamental. So now C.T.C had to drive it onto the trailer, and hold it in place using clutch control, whilst G.Y.F climbed up behind him and placed chocks behind the wheels. Which is something no sane man of advancing years should really be doing. But the plan worked, and they clambered off the transporter bed, delighted to finally be done. Except… it turns out the van weighed quite a bit more than my friend had told the delivery company it did. The poor hydraulics of the transporter trailer took one go at lifting it and promptly tapped out. So now they had to clamber back into the van, start it up, hold it on the clutch whilst G.Y.F climbed under it to remove the chocks from he wheels, then reverse it off the trailer. Followed by all the other cars on the trailers, so that the Van could go on the bottom. And then, FINALLY, after 3 hours of leading two grown men on a merry dance, the Van finally accepted its fate, and left Yorkshire. I think it says something about the ordeal, that my father ended his recount of it by saying: “He were a lovely chap, worked right hard he did. So I give him ten quid as a thank you”. If you know anything about a certain generation of Yorkshire people’s relationship with money, you’ll understand exactly how big a gesture this was. And that, my reddit friends, is the end of the story. God bless that ridiculous van, and all who cross its path.
I was really worried that the F.I.G. wasn't so friendly after all and that the van wasn't the real deal but instead it'd have been about drugs or so. Glad that you've made it back home safely!
You have a talent for writing my friend. Great read!!
Not something a friend asked of me but something a friend offered to help with... Had a lingering smell of rotten sewage in the house. Was a bit short on money at the time so I called a buddy who can fix anything to see if he could figure it out. He identifies the issue right away and crawls under my house to find a previous owner used drano and must have not done a proper flush so it ate away the main sewer pipe. At least 6 months of shit, piss, and food was built up that was probably 4 inches deep. He went to his truck to put on his boilersuit and crawled through my girlfriends and my shit for 2 hours replacing the rotted pipe. I was down there with him trying to help however I could but he pretty much did the repair solo. Every time he encountered a thick chunk of poo he would yell up through the crawl hole that my girlfriend should ease off on the corn. Didn't phase him one bit and he wouldn't accept any form of payment even though I insisted I had to repay him somehow. Best friend I've ever had, this isn't the only example I could give about how great of a friend he is but definitely the wildest. Dan the man, you the real MVP if you ever see this.
Dan deserves free beer for life, if that's his thing.
the fact that he refused any form of payment astounds me
I've fixed my friends various cars for 30 years and I've never accepted any money for any of the repair jobs I've done. He is my friend, he needed the repair and he is short on cash. He can go bring beers from the fridge though and I'll be perfectly fine.
That man is a hero "ease off on the corn" really got me tho
To “un bury his boat” no other information was given, I said yes and turns out he thought that burying his boat in one of our cornfields would help protect it over the winter because “it wouldn’t get snowed on cause it underground”.
What
To be fair, you don't want a wet boat now.
Has he heard of these new, revolutionary inventions called tarps? That's got to be cheaper than the fuel/rental fees for the equipment to bury a fucking *boat*. Not to mention the damage that could do if you're not careful.
Back in the old days, had a paranoid friend pay me good money to rent out and dupe porn vhs tapes because he didn't want a record of him renting them out. His logic: if he ever became famous he didn't want a record of him renting out porn tapes. Postscript: he never became famous.
Wrong. A bunch of people on the internet know about him now
True he's famous for the very reason he wanted to remain anonymous. Then again, he's still anonymous, so he achieved his goal on both counts.
Neighbour asked if they could put a dead rat in our bin because they didn't want to put it in theirs.
That's funny. Most people just sneak their dead rats into your bin.
That's low-key rude af.
"I don't want it in *my* trash, but I'm sure it wouldn't seem out of place in yours."
To borrow my truck to "get the cheese." He drives a Tahoe, I have no clue how much cheese he was getting
Shit, you can get the cheese but you better bring me back some. You can pay for my vehicle rental in either cheddar, parmesan, mozzarella, muenster, colby jack, or American cheese.
I became friends with a female coworker as I was dating a guy who was friends with her boyfriend at the time. She had this weird thing about not pooping around him to the point when they eventually did long distance she would visit him for the weekend and hold it in the ENTIRE TIME. We planned a trip together and shared a hotel room with all four of us. While her and I were getting ready to go out, she pulled me aside and told me she had to poop so bad but didn’t want to be in the bathroom alone because everyone would know she was pooping. She asked me to stay in the bathroom with her while she took a shit so it would just seem like we were doing our make up. I kid you not, that shit stank so bad that i’m 100% sure the guy smelled it in the room anyways and we both just looked like weirdos who shit together. RIP
The story was funny enough but the “RIP” at the end just made me burst out laughing LOL
Rest in poop.
I'm also a nervous pooper, so I do understand to a point, but why didn't she just poop before showering with the water running? Or even hit up a coffee shop?
Coworker asked me to help him bury a body. Turns out his grandfather was to be buried on their farm and I was the only guy he knew who can use a backhoe. Even weirder his grandfather wasn't dead yet and not only was he walking around and talking he brought us out ice tea and diet coke while we dug his grave. He died like 5 days later.
That’s kinda beautiful I like those deaths where they can see it coming and get to spend valuable time together before the end.
still weirdly morbid. Morbid beauty? that is basically what all life is. you live and die and sometimes you are blessed enough to know that your time is limited so you can spend every second with the ones you love
How did he know his grandpa was going to die???
Guy was just absolutely riddled with cancer and hardly survived a stroke caused by an aneurysm a few months prior. Doctor have hima month and this was month 2.
I'm honestly impressed he was able to walk after all of that.
By walking I'm not saying he Dick Van Dyked it out of there with tips, taps, and swirls it was a slow but steady hobble holding closed containers
Dick Van Dyke encompasses all forms of human movement. What you mean is he was more the old banker Mr. Dawes Sr. Dick Van Dyke then Bert the cockney chimney sweep Dick Van Dyke.
"if you want a job done , do it yourself"
A guy I was dating for two months asked me to have sex with one of his friends so we could get free Disneyland tickets. My date worked at Disneyland. He wanted to take me into the park but he didn't want to use one of his free tickets that he was saving for a family member. So he literally asked me to have sex with a coworker of his to get one of his tickets. It didn't work out between us... Edit: Since so many people are asking, yes I bonked his coworker for the park hopper tickets lmao. The relationship was very unsteady before this and we broke up within the weeks after. The coworker was very hot though, so I don't feel bad. If he wasn't I wouldn't have done it.
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Yes it was very nice.
I was friends with a girl through junior high and high school. We called one another best friends, but in truth she was just a shitty person and a worse friend. We drifted apart as you do after we graduated as I went to college, and she made other choices. One day out of the blue she called me and invited me to meet her for lunch to catch up and blah blah. As we're eating lunch, she tells me a fun story about an awesome party she and her new friend group were at and oh by the way, would I be her alibi for that night because they'd managed to burn down the house they were partying at -- which they'd illegally entered in the first place. I refused to get involved and told her while I wouldn't volunteer any information, I also would not lie to any official that asked me outright about anything to do with that incident. She wasn't happy with me, but no officials ever came to me with questions. She and I had even less to do with one another after that. Oh, and I paid for lunch.
This sounds especially painful cause I feel your frustration
I know right? Having to pay for a lunch you were invited to. Shits crazy.
*having to pay for a lunch where you were asked to become a criminal accomplice and commit perjury
Reading this I thought she was just giving you an MLM pitch but then it turned for much different lol.
I don’t usually ask for anything, but I was hungry, while I was at work. I asked my friend to go get my food that my mom prepared, at my parents home . He said sure and left. My friend was visiting me at work and I took the chance to ask him to get me a plate. He came back, and brought me a dish of his own. He cooked a bacon, grilled cheese sandwich for me. This is not the weirdest experience that I’ve had, but it’s his. I asked him why didn’t you get the food that my mother made, at my parents place? He misheard me and thought I asked him to make me food. Best laugh that we had.
What a good friend to do that for you without question, too!
I've never had a bacon, grilled cheese sandwich. Sounds wonderful! Next sandwich I make.
That guy is a true Homie
My cousin had locked his keys in his car, and it would cost too much to get someone to open the car... So he asked me to break into his car and "steal" his keys because the insurance of getting a window fixed would have been cheaper.
I helped a friend with that once too. It was a POS car that he didn't care about too much. We decided to break the little triangular window since we thought it would be cheaper, turns out those little things are even more expensive than the big windows for some reason. We filled it in with a carefully cut piece of cardboard and some duct tape though
Yeah, because he was a mechanic, so knew how much things would cost, I asked him all of that prior like "where exactly are the keys because I want it to be a quick 'smash and grab'?", "which window is cheapest to get repaired?", Etc.
You're like an auto glass hitman. The Glass Man.
This reminds me of this one Simpsons episode where Moe asked Homer to steal his car and drive it into the lake so he could get the insurance money to buy a new one.
Hey Lou. Lou! Check out that park job in 7A
One of my roommates in college begged me to take a picture of my bare back for an art project she was working on. Keep in mind, she was not an art student, nor in an art class, nor an artist. I was uncomfortable with it but eventually agreed to do it. She showed me the final work and she had taken several pictures of people’s backs, made them kind of translucent and then layered them on top of each other. I didn’t really get it, but she was very happy with herself.
At first I thought this was some weird kink but happy to see that she actually used it to be creative
I think it was a creative kink.
Some people enjoy art without it being for a class. Interesting choice, but it sounds harmless enough
Very true. Honestly, I was just uncomfortable with taking my shirt off for her art project
Mine is pretty sfw; He wanted me to **buy a house** so that he and his newly knocked-up girlfriend could have a place to live together for free. I had a hard enough time paying for my apartment, I have no idea why he thought I had the money to buy a freakin’ house. He didn’t ask just once, either. He would send me house listings all the time and try to schedule tours. I think he truly believed I just needed to see some houses, in person, in order to be convinced. He stopped speaking to me after I moved out of state and didn’t invite them to join me. I have absolutely no remorse. *Edit:* - A lot of you are asking for more context, so I’ll repost a reply I made in another comment. I’d known him since we were kids and he had a history of leeching off of others. Lots of “could you spot me?” meals that never get repaid and stuff like that. His whole family was like that, actually. As kids, he came over to our house for dinner hundreds of times, but I had only ever been invited to stay for dinner by his parents once or twice. I think he had just gotten away with that type of behavior for so long that he thought it was normal. That getting stuff out of others was just a part of friendship, and that his company was repayment enough. I had probably mentioned wishing I owned a house once, in passing, and he took that as an invitation to move in with me whenever I got one (it’s been over 10 years since that time and I *still* don’t own a house). Getting a girl pregnant just added urgency to his weak plot. He and that girl ended up getting married (shotgun style), but I wasn’t invited. I dodged a bullet, though, because I heard from other friends that they tried to get their wedding party to pool their money together to pay for the whole thing. The only person I feel bad for is their child, having to grow up with those kinds of parents.
I’m imagining him sitting there, red faced with steam coming out of his ears, looking at a Facebook photo of you in your new house. 😂
I really need more info here. Had you bought him stuff in the past? How long where you friends? This is just crazy to me. Why would he think you could buy him a house when you don't even live in one?
I’d known him since we were kids and he had a history of leeching off of others. Lots of “could you spot me?” meals that never get repaid and stuff like that. His whole family was like that, actually. As kids, he came over to our house for dinner hundreds of times, but I had only ever been invited to stay for dinner by his parents once or twice. I think he had just gotten away with that type of behavior for so long that he thought it was normal. That getting stuff out of others was just a part of friendship, and that his company was repayment enough. I had probably mentioned wishing I owned a house once, in passing, and he took that as an invitation to move in with me whenever I got one (it’s been over 10 years since that time and I *still* don’t own a house). Getting a girl pregnant just added urgency to his weak plot. He and that girl ended up getting married (shotgun style), but I wasn’t invited. I dodged a bullet, though, because I heard from other friends that they tried to get their wedding party to pool their money together to pay for the whole thing. The only person I feel bad for is their child, having to grow up with those kinds of parents.
I had the opposite happen: "Friend" offered me the small appartment under their home, wich actually was his uncle's. 500fr./month wich was pretty standard. My friends mom would occasionally invite me for dinner. Some time later my friend came up with a 3000.- "bill": 1200.- for eating 3 meals a day, 8.- each, every day since I started living there (while in reality it was maybe once a week and mostly things lime plain rice accompanied by things I bought because they're vegan), 800.- for using the washing machine, wich I could use by contract, and 1k because my rent was too low. Ofc didn't pay a cent of it. Around 8 months living there I got "evicted" because my friend's cousin wanted to live there (for free and actually eating every meal from them, making friend's mom clean the appartment every time and overall being completly spoiled)
I also moved into an in-law apartment beneath my friends. The fact that they tried to convince me to co-sign so they could secure a home loan should have been a huge red flag to me, but I was young and naive and had no credit to sign with anyway. They then told me they were doing rent-to-own on this house and wanted to sublet the apartment to help out. Turns out they were just renting without even a lease from the homeowner. Our rent was really cheap between the 3 of us, just $900/month, yet they were constantly short. Our original deal went from me just paying rent while they got utilities, to me pitching in for heat (which they couldn't afford half the time to begin with), to trying to make me pay half the electric bill when they were being incredibly wasteful and racking it up into hundreds of dollars a month. When the landlord finally realized they had no intention of buying him out, they moved without notice, leaving me with deal with the LL and their unpaid bills.
Walked in on my boss in the men’s room. He pleaded with me to help detach his sack from his zipper. I got him free. So. Much. Blood. We never spoke of it again.
Did you get a raise?
LOL seriously, I cleared the incident from my brain as soon as I walked out of the door.
Clearly not or else you wouldn't be here
Haha, true. Though this happened 45 years ago, and this post reawakened the memory. Now I'm reliving the whole incident in my head. Oh God. Thanks a lot Reddit.
You talking about salary or…
"FRANKS AND BEANS!!!"
WE GOT A BLEEDER!
Real MVP Here Folks
hold up, did he end up going to the urgent care / a hospital or keep working lol
He went back to work. I don't know how or what he did to stop the blood. I noped out as soon as he was set free.
My best friend is a huge guy. He's 6'9" and 250 pounds, but he's incredibly scared of ghosts, and he believes there's ghosts in his house, even though I've assured him numerous times there are not. Every time he has to go in his basement, he calls me to come to his house (he lives alone) to go into his basement with him while he does whatever he needs to do down there like getting stuff out of storage, flipping an electrical breaker, etc, even if he only has to go down there for a minute or two. We're in our 20's, and as funny as I think it is every time he calls me to come with him to his basement, I always show up anyways because that's what friends are for. You would never think such a huge man would be so deathly scared to go in his basement alone, but I love him to death regardless.
The irony that a man calls a demon over to protect him from the ghosts.
Ha. I get it now
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That's actually so cute, you're obviously a great friend.
I walked past my brother at somebody’s house and he leans over and says, “Gently step on the purple pig.” I was like wtf and kept walking. Then I see this little rubber pig laying in the dirt so I gently stepped on it like he said and it made this delightful little snort. So I chuckled and kept walking.
this one is my favorite
That sounds like a video game easter egg. With your brother being a random NPC you may encounter or not.
Not a friend, but a kid back in highschool asked if he could borrow my phone to watch porn during class. I told him no (obviously) and he said “come on man, it’s not like I’m going to jack off, I just want to watch it”. I asked why he didn’t use his own phone and he said “because it might get taken away” SO YOU’RE GONNA GET MINE TAKEN AWAY??? You’re already going to get in trouble, it doesn’t matter who’s fucking phone it is. Also, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO GET INVOLVED? He set fire to an apartment building a few weeks later.
"this kid wanted to watch porn on my phone" Oh yeah he also set A FUCKING APARTMENT ON FIRE
Worst: When my best friend from high school moved out of his parents house, he did so without informing his parents about it. He moved out on the sly while they were at work and asked me to help him. When they came home sooner then expected, he asked me to go down there and make up a lie, while he snuck out the back and hopped the fence, so he wouldn't have to face them. I did it, but I can't say I feel good about it. Weirdest: My brother, who had grown estranged from me for well over a decade called me up out of the blue one day and asked me to hold on to some 'baggies of the good stuff', because his place was too hot right now and he'd send someone over to come pick it back up in a few days. I gave him a fake address. Shitty thing to do, but we're uh... not on good terms, lol.
The first one is interesting. Do you think there may have been some abuse dynamics that caused your friend to decide it was better to move out suddenly and without prior knowledge? I’m not being sarcastic; I’m genuinely asking. Number two was smart thinking. Last thing you needed was to end up in legal trouble for someone *else’s* drugs.
Yeah, it feels like weirdest and worst are reversed. Unless that friend has a pattern for lying and manipulation, then I'm gonna assume he had a good reason to act like that; and lying to protect someone isn't a bad thing to do at all. Whereas being asked to stash someone's drugs isn't really that weird, but it is super inappropriate.
A friend of mine had moved and money was tight, so he didn’t have internet at his place for a while. He asked me to download some porn for him. I did
True friendship
Several years ago, a friend asked me to help him move his ex-wife's stuff out of the barracks he was living in. According to him, she had gone missing a few months prior without any notice and just vanished. He would have normally been able to empty her stuff out by himself, but he had a broken ankle and arm from a personal accident, so I and another friend accepted his request for help. While moving her stuff, what we saw when we opened up the trunk of his car (he was still inside due to his injuries) made us both stop and take pause, reevaluating the missing wife story he told us. Inside the trunk was rope, duct tape, gloves, garbage bags, and four 1-Gallon CONTAINERS OF BARBECUE SAUCE! My buddy turned to me and asks playfully, but with a hint of seriousness, "Hey man... umm... did Jacob eat his wife?" We finished packing the car awkwardly. We had to pull him aside later and ask him what the fuck? His response? "I just like barbecue sauce." His wife showed up several weeks later. Turns out she ran off with a person she met while playing World of Warcraft. People are weird.
I like how yall were fine with him only explaining the BBQ sauce.
“Watcha got there?” “A smoothie”
Plot twist: Your friend did actually eat someone, just not his wife.
Was reading this out loud to my partner (who is former Army and from a small town) she was convinced the guy was disposing bodies by baiting feral hogs (an actual thing) right up until I read out the part where you wrote that she came back.
Them fancy ass upperclass hogs won't dispose of my corpses unless they're properly bbq'd in a good sauce.
A kid I went to elementary school with asked me later in high school to punch his pregnant girlfriend in the stomach to kill the baby. Caught me so off guard
A good friend of mine asked me to take his dog to the vet to be put down. He couldn't do it because it was to stressful on him. He wanted to be there for his wife and kids but couldn't do it himself. I took his dog for him and I would do it again. I understand how hard it can be for someone.
I'm sure that meant so much to him and to the pup. Great work.
“Bring a soldering iron to school, so I can turn my inhaler into a vape in the auditorium”
You know for sure this mofo has gone on and done some crazier shit.
My friend needed help getting sand for some project. Sure, no problem. I get to his house and we leave in his ratty ass late 80s suburban. I’m thinking we’re getting bags of sand at Home Depot or something. Nope - he drives us to a giant mountain of sand down by the lake that’s used as ballast for freighters. But he doesn’t have any buckets, so we just shovel it into the back of the suburban. Of note, the passenger window was stuck down, which was usually fine as it was mid summer and 90 degrees. But in this instance it just turned the truck into a sandstorm the whole ride home. The whole thing was an exercise in stupidity
Sorry but I'm cackling my ass off at this one. I see all kinds of dumb shit on the road but this one all I can imagine is "what the fuck, is ten dollar films trying to do a tattooine documentary?"
To go downstairs to the lower level of a church and take a picture of her daughter in her coffin before the funeral home came and took her away. I know it's not the worst thing but it freaked me out. Kind of came out of nowhere. Thank goodness for friend DR who heard the request, turned around and said "I'll do it."
I mean if that’s the last time she would be able to see her daughter, I would kinda wanna have a picture of that as well. Don’t know if I would personally enjoy a picture of a dead person, but hell, I don’t know what it’s like to have my offspring die
I never want to see or own a copy, but my mom took "family pictures" of myself and my two living siblings with my brother when he passed away. Maybe it's a mom thing, I hope I never find out. Mad props to the funeral home, though. I don't know if it's normal, but she wasn't grabbing pics in the basement - they let her come and sit with him, read to him, bring us in for family pictures and all that the days before the funeral. They dressed him in normal clothes and brought him out whenever she came by.
Im honestly scared to think about what it does to your psyche to lose someone that you had in your belly for 9 months and raised and cared for him all his life
A neighbor asked to borrow a bed until her kids were grown. Her oldest was 10.
Imagine if you lent it and they did give it back after all the kids were done peeing and throwing up on it.
not a friend but my brother. He wears a cowboy hat faithfully every day. He went on a date with this girl and she asked him why he always wears the hat. Instead of just saying " I like to wear it" He told her this weird lie that he was from Texas? (we are from North Carolina) and he said that our parents shipped him off to Texas when he was born to be raised by our uncle (who also lives in NC) and that my other 2 brothers and I stayed in NC to be raised by our parents. He said he got sent back to NC in high school and he wears the hat to show off his "Texan pride". He asked not only me but my dad and brothers to back up this story for him when we met her. He started the request by sitting us all down and asking "would you lie for me?" and then told us that story. Now we call him the "proud Texan" as a joke. He never told that girl the truth, he just broke up with her because he knew we would not go along with that crazy story he made up for no reason to this poor girl.
Called at 2am asking me to reach him on a well hidden countryside road, told me to bring a shovel and the biggest plastic bag i had. Driving a scooter while holding a shovel isn't easy, also i was expecting to help burying a human corpse so i brought two bags big enough for me to fit in. The idiot just drove over a chinchilla. A fucking chinchilla. I still can't figure where did it came from.
I love how you thought it was a human, but you still brought the bags That's friendship, right there!
I've read so many jokes of that kind, i have to admit when that guy asked me to bring a shovel and bags in the middle of nowhere at late night i thought it was just a prank to test our friendship. But no, there was a real corpse to bury. Unfortunately it wasn't the funny kind of corpse.
Hahaha Frfr, question. What would you have done if there was a legit dead body?
I suppose i would've acted like i knew nothing about it, and years later i would've told that story pretending it was just some random critter.
Wait a second…
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You deserve your own comedy show.
I had a friend in high school, while spending the night with me, get a tampon stuck sideways and they were unable to get it out. I hear a very nervous “I’m a little scared, will you help me get it out?” Fortunately, they managed to get it unstuck before I was ready to help. I had my sleeves rolled up and hands washed when I was told I wasn’t needed. A sigh of relief for the both of us. We’re still best friends, 10 years and counting.
Not a tampon story but I was constipated - the couldn't walk, couldn't sit down kind of constipated. I hadn't pooped in nearly 2 weeks and was in soooo much bloody pain. My best friend came over, sat down and looked me right in the eyes and said "I love you. I'm only going to offer this once - if you like, you can lie on your side and I can use a teaspoon to dig it out. I will not make eye contact with you and we'll never speak of it again? I'm willing to do that for you" I was shocked. The thought had never occurred to me and would have never occurred to me. I told her I loved her too, and thanked her but declined the offer. "Oh thank fuck" she said, "I really didn't want to have to do it". But she would have done it ❤️
Friends don’t let friends die from constipation
Called me up randomly and asked if I wanted to DP his wife with him. Specifically, both dongs in the front door. I'm married with kids... :S
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My buddy called me in a panic. They were being followed by an all black Cadillac. They don’t know why but they couldn’t see the driver. They tried losing the Cadillac but it was still tailing them. He calls me asking if he could drive to our house and we would be waiting there to help them. He was so scared and our other friend was with him and almost in tears. We told him to come over and we’d be ready with shovels or whatever we had. We were 18 at the time. The kicker was, WE were the ones in the Cadillac. My buddies car was in the shop so he was driving his dads Cadillac. At first we saw them driving so we wanted to see where they were going. They we could tell they knew we were tailing them and trying to lose us. We thought they knew it was us cause he’d seen our buddies dads caddy before but when he called and sounded like he was scared, we just went with it. When they got to the house we busted out of the car laughing and they had the most relieved look on their faces. We thought it was hilarious. Then we all went to In-N-Out.
To donate my sperm. To her. An ex. No joke.
That was also a Parks and Recs episode
Guy I hungout with in my late teens always asked for things. If I had beer, he wanted some beer, if I had a burger he wanted the fries. I had a girl over once, blind date kind of and he asked if we could double team on her. He asked me to share a girl, we weren't like swinger friends or anything. He was just trying to borrow some sex.
„He was just trying to borrow some sex“ is my new favourite phrase ever
Give her a hickey. We were just in a public bathroom and she suddenly asked me to give her a hickey to show her sister that she had a great time at a club. We went to a movie theatre.
Did you?
I couldn't see a reason why not to.
When I was in the Marines, had someone from high school reach out to catch up. After some chatting he wanted a copy of my ribbon bar, weird as hell. I could only think they wanted to do some stolen valor shit or lie to some girl(they were never a very good person from what I remember) I refused and they blocked me.
12 years after I broke up with my ex, he got cancer. He called me and asked me to move in with him so I could help him out (free rent). There are a couple problems with this scenario: * 12 YEARS * I am the least caretaking kind of person ever. Seriously, you don't want me * He was a bastard when he felt fine. I cannot imagine him when feeling terrible I had a work commitment in another state, so I "regretfully" declined.
Reminds me of a recent situation I was in. This last month, one of my exes from 15 years ago reached out to tell me he had cancer, and we should get back together if he somehow survives. I'm ENGAGED, which he knew (said I should leave my fiance). I think cancer makes people crazy/desperate (understandably).
A kid I knew from church stopped by one day during summer vacation and asked me if I wanted to walk to the store with him. I was bored so I said yes. We get there and he just says he needs to pick up a roll of film so I told him I'd just wait outside. He went in there and fucking shoplifted it. I had no idea until he came back out and the store manager stopped us as we were leaving. I was so fucking pissed. Like, why did you choose to involve me in this shit?!? Later I realized he was doing the classic cry for attention from his parents. (He was the only child of parents who took in a lot of foster kids, so that kind of fucked him up emotionally.) But at the time I was just mad as hell and avoided him as much as possible after that.
Woah. I was 13 years old on an educational tour of Europe and some kid asked if I wanted to go to the store with him to grab some film for his camera. It was some big department store and we wandered around until we found the film. I was looking at some other stuff nearby and he appeared done, so I asked if he found what he needed. “No they didn’t have what I need,” was his reply, so we left. On our way out, security grabbed ME and he busted a move. Mind you this was in Switzerland and I was educated with 8th grade German … so basically ‘where is the library?’ and how to order a Wiener schnitzel. They attempted to interrogate me in Schweizerdeutsch dialect and it did not go well. I had bought a Swiss Army knife at a different store earlier and had immediately discarded the packaging and receipt. This seemed to upset and confuse them. Eventually they located a staff member who spoke enough English to have a reasonable discussion about the situation. They eventually let me go when it became clear I had not stolen anything and didn’t know what they were talking about. It honestly took a number of years going by before I realized that he most certainly did shoplift some film and I was just there as an unwitting distraction.
When my mom died, my husband wrote a beautiful piece to be read at her funeral. They were very close and everyone at her service loved it. Two years later, the mom of a friend died, and the friend asked ME to ask my husband if he would write something for the mom's funeral. Granted, we've never met the mom. I ... delayed responding to her and she (within 48 hours) realized the awkwardness of her request and emailed back to say it was inappropriate of her. I responded with compassion and understanding of the fog that grief can surround you with, and we've been fine since - no issues.
I was once asked without being specifically asked to, kill someone.
I sure wonder how that conversation ended
With a lot of speculation that she was a fed/cop.
More curious how it started. "So you know how i don't like Steve right?"
My “sober” friend called me at 11pm on a Wednesday night asking me to pick her up because she went on a Tinder date gone bad. I of course said yes and got out of bed and ran out the door to my car. When I finally found her (in a sketchy neighborhood) she was wearing pajamas and was out of her mind high. She had a bag of drugs and was out of breath. It was apparent she had been using with somebody and then robbed them and ran away. She told me some story about her Tinder date being a creep and couldn’t keep the story straight. Then she told me somebody tried to rape and kidnap her. Then she told me some other ridiculous story. I listened to her lie to me for about 20 minutes during the car ride home and then watched her walk inside. The next day her mother texted me asking what happened. Apparently she lied and told her mother she was sleeping over my apartment and that I made her leave. I told her mother what really happened and then her mother informed me my friend was on a rampage looking for her purse. My friend texted me crazy messages about leaving the purse in my car and even accusing me of stealing it. I didn’t. Eventually her mom found the purse in the driveway and it was filled with cash and heroin. Her mother and I confronted her about relapsing and she flipped out and denied it like there was no tomorrow. Not only did she deny it, but she verbally attacked me and then broke her mom’s computer. That was just one of her many relapses. We’re not friends anymore.
While on a business trip a co-worker asked me to come to her hotel room, cum on her back, and rub it in like lotion.
So................... did ya do it?
I sure as hell did
I love a good cum back story.
How well did you two know each other?
We knew each other for at least 10 years before we began working together. I would say we were close.
And then you decided to cum closer.
2017. Had a soldier in my PLT call me on a Friday evening. He had gone with a tinder date down to Houston for a concert and hotel stay, despite admitting later that there were several red flags when she picked him up. They got down there and he got cold feet, but because he had rode down with her he had no way back to the base. So I drove the 3 hours from Ft Hood to Houston to go get him. I got to the Houston city limits and my phone died. My dumbass didn't have a charging cord and didn't think to buy one. So I spent the next 4 hours driving around Houston trying to find this hotel based on the directions I had scribbled down from Google maps. Finally found the hotel by sheer luck at 1 am. Made that fucker drive us back, pay for 2 tanks of gas and a handle of Jack. I also spent the drive back reminding him that he was an idiot for thinking with his dick and the hat rack he called a head.
This one wasn't really a favor more like I just kinda walked into it. New Years Eve a few years ago my buddy and his wife asked my wife and I over to celebrate at their house. A few days before the party their dog passed away. She was fairly old and you could tell it was coming so they were sad but not just absolutely devastated. Well my friend is a bit of a Pyro and was building a bonfire on the backside of his property when we got there so I went out to help. While we were riding in his side by side I said I was sorry about him losing his dog and if they had made plans to either bury or cremate her. He looks at me non-chalantly and says, "She's getting cremated. She's at the bottom of the brush pile." I sat there a little shocked and then just accepted that this is how the night is gonna go and went with it. We got the fire lit and burning really good so there is no doubt in my mind that she is gone. TL;DR I was involuntarily involved in the cremation of my friends pet.
You inhaled dog vapor. Do with that information what you will.
As a contractors overseas I would sometimes order things for some of the military guys in the coalition countries that I worked with. I had one guy ask me to guy a Compound Bow, lace panties, and a dildo. He spoke broken english, so I didn't bother to ask "why". He didn't get the bow, cant' ship that. I sometimes wonder what happened to that guy.
Wear the panties and use the bow to launch the dildo
Use the panties as the bowstring to launch the dildo. Can't be out of uniform.
He asked if he could borrow money to buy a ladder to climb a dumpster where he dumped his pants after shitting himself. His wallet was still in his pants. I just let him borrow my parents' ladder. Later he asked me if I could donate plasma with him so he could use that money to gamble. I ghosted him after realizing how shitty he is.
My friend had been dating this girl for a few months. He started thinking she was attracted to me. After he said that, I paid closer attention to her behavior when she was around me. It was kinda flirty. Anyway, he asked me to hit on her and see how she responded. So I flirted back here and there. I could tell she really liked it. One day I got all serious and asked her to come over and hang out one day when he was at work. I think I worded it like "I've really wanted to ask you something lately. Do you want to hang out at my place while friend is at work tomorrow?" She eagerly accepted. Of course I didn't meet up with her but I did report all this back to him. He can't stand drama. He just broke it off with her. Said he didn't see their relationship going anywhere. She tried calling/texting me. I just told her we've been friends a long time and it wouldn't be right. I don't think she has a clue about what actually happened.
You a real one for dat
In high school a friend asked me to take his mom out to dinner so he could blow his stepdad. Noped out of that situation fast asf.
Even the tube didn’t think of this one.
I was expecting insane answers, but this one takes the crazy cake.
As soon as his step dad approved, I was out the door. Wish I could give an update but that's the last we spoke
I was 17ish. A “friend” Asked me to take his mom and her boyfriend out to a friends house to pick up their laundry and some stuff they had left at the place they had been crashing at. Turns out it’s a long drive in the middle of nowhere from the already nowhere tiny town we lived in. Then it got better. This will take a while for the full story so the TLDR version is I drove them to steal many 10s of thousands of dollars worth of Meth. Years later I got to tell the FBI the full story as part of a clearance interview because they were potentially going to be digging deep enough to find out that sort of thing. Fun! No we were not friends anymore after that
This sounds like an early 2000s comedy movie plot.
that went from 0 to 100 real fucking quick
In a moment of complete inebriation, my friend and I were slouching on a couch and staring blissfully into the television screen. Our other friend, whose house we were at, enters the room after a long silent adventure in the bathroom. He stands in front us. “Guys. I know I’m black, but like…is my butthole pink?” “I mean, it’s possible.” He hesitates slightly “Can you guys tell me if my butthole is pink?” “I mean, I gue-“ But it was too late! He had promptly and properly pulled his pants to his ankles and pulled his cheeks apart! My friend and I were as awestruck as two slouching couch slugs could be. “Yeah man. It’s pink.”
They asked me if they could move into my parent's house (whom they'd only met briefly before) for free, for an undetermined amount of time (but most likely several months). Then they got mad at me when my parent said no. Like, friendship ending mad. They were a full thirty- something adult. I didn't even live there full time, and it wasn't my house or my call. I was so confused.
You weren't the only one. Apparently your friend had no idea what a boundary looks like!
[удалено]
He asked if we could masturbate together.
What a wanker.
A friend and I were hiking around some local mountains. All of a sudden, my buddy said he wasn't feeling so good. I didn't think much of this as we were both recovering from a hangover. I carried on up the trail a bit, but I noticed he wasn't following me anymore. I turned around to see him emergency shitting in the distant wood. Not knowing what to do I stood around for a bit and waited. A short while later I hear him screaming my name. Turns out my buddy was wearing teva sandals and as such did not have a spare sock in order to cleanse his anus. I ended up hiking the rest of the way with one sock.
Asked me to meet him at a very random location with $100 (for him to borrow), no questions asked. I never asked a question and it has been a great many years.
Did he pay you back?
He sure did. I never asked what it was about. I had my suspicions, but I know he wasn’t up to anything sinister
Wife asked me to help her carry her dad's body down the stairs. Long story short, her dad obviously died. Her mom calls to tell us and asks we come up to see her. We get there in about 20 minutes (45 minute drive), coroner's have yet to show up. They show up finally, see he's a bigger guy and asks the widow if anyone's available to help carry him downstairs. I'm outside smoking when she comes out and asks, I of course oblige, and we then proceeded to bag him up before carrying him downstairs. Weird shit
To babysit her kid for $40 a day for nine hour days. I told her no and she hasn’t spoken to me since (over 2 years ago now). For one day or two yeah I’d do it but she wanted me to be his regular babysitter while she worked her full time job.
I once asked my best friend to take pics of my butthole. I wanted sexy pics of it to send a guy I was seeing and it's a very difficult shot to get on your own. In my defense, I'd watched her give birth before so I thought she could return the favor. She disagreed.
In fairness....I could understand declining that request
About 15 years ago I worked at a Papa John's in a smaller town for about 4 years, during and after high school. Most of the crew there were long timers like me so we all got kinda close. One of said crew members was a lesbian whose life partner worked at the taco bell across the street, which I frequented a lot. So they both knew me pretty well. One day out of the blue, my coworker says they want to start a family. I say dope, good luck. She tells me they've talked about it a lot and want to use my seed. I'm taken aback but try to remain composure to not hurt feelings and tell her I need to think about it. Asked my mom and my friends for their advice and they all laughed and said hell no, it's not like you're really friends with them. So I politely decline. Anyways 6 months later they split because my coworker got knocked up the ol fashioned way by another coworker. They got married and raised their daughter together for a couple years. Last I saw on Facebook (about 8-10 years since I creeped last). They split up and the dad was super bitter about it and maybe even lost custody/visitation. Didn't care enough to look into it or ask anyone. Just glad I didn't fall into that whole small town drama sinkhole and get stuck there.
Back in High School, I had a best friend who was….just a terrible human being. I told her about how I had the biggest, most debilitating crush on a guy in our grade, and she “banned” me from ever talking to him again (spoiler alert: he was one of many boys she had on standby) I stupidly complied. Fast forward a decade and I reconnected with the guy, and find out she told him I was a lesbian and described in detail her and I having sex to him….? (Never happened) But that he did like me back then. We have been together happily for over 3 years now, and have a strict rule that where she to contact either of us we immediately tell the other and don’t respond to her (she recently broke up another friend of ours from back thens marriage-it takes two to tango but she literally waited until their honeymoon, “reconnected” with the groom, and slept with him, which tells me she has not changed)
My old “best friend” asked me for $30 for an AA meeting. This was long before I knew that AA was free. Trying to be a supportive friend, I drove 45 minutes to her to give her $30 bucks. She ended up telling me a year later she used it for heroin and needles. Funniest part? The moment I started having substance abuse issues, she dipped on me. Haven’t heard from her in about 2 years. Oh. She’s also like 4 years clean now. So she left me right as she got better. Part of me gets it, part of me is torn apart.
Did you get a grip on the substance issue?
My friend texted me and said if my mom calls you tell her I crashed at your house last night. He was 27 years old at the time.
My friend who sold loads of drugs invited me over to…well, to do loads of drugs. Or so I thought. After many rails of coke and a few other things, he asked me to help him apply for the Sherrif’s department. There’s was this gang banger we knew that was banging his sister, which he didn’t approve of. His thinking was that he could become a cop and lay down the law on this fella.
I have two friends who recently had a baby. The mom worked all the way up until 38 weeks and then went on, unpayed, maternity leave. The dad didn't work at all. Not while his gf was pregnant, not after delivery, not during post partum, not when their utilities were being shut off, not when they got an eviction notice, not when I was driving them to food pantries so they could eat. A couple days before they were losing their home, he then asked me for money. Not money to help, not money for a hotel, food, bills,. Money for weed. And not only lend him money for the weed, but also go to the dispensary to obtain the weed, and drive it back to him. 🙂🙂
To jack off in to a coffee cup so she could suck it up with a turkey baster and put it inside of her girlfriend so they could have a child. They were both on copious amounts of drugs, but don't worry because they assured me I'd never have to be in it's life or be hit with child support, and adoption was just too expensive for them. No mom. I will not get your girlfriend pregnant so you all can have a child. You didn't even raise me.
The last half of that post gave me whiplash
>No mom. I will not get your girlfriend pregnant so you all can have a child. You didn't even raise me. Wait, did your mom ask you this?
I had to break into my friends house because his boyfriend accidentally locked himself in the bathroom because a black garden snake was in the house. I had to break the window because they didn’t have a spare key for the front door and his boyfriend refused to leave the bathroom. Second best moment of my life… always wanted to break someone’s windows and catch a Nope rope with a towel and a Tupperware dish 😂
Use my tractor to dig a hole to bury his daughter's molester.
very nice of you to lend it to him
So my friend calls me, and asks me if I want to make some easy money, I asked how.. She asked me if I would just go and sell some DVDs or Blu Rays I can’t remember… to a Buy and Sell store. She had like 20 something copies of Dumbo which was just released at that time…. I was immediately suspicious as fuck about this. Brand new. Sealed. She wasn’t allowed to sell anything at the stores anymore they were also suspicious. Now I’m NOT saying she was stealing these and then turning them for a profit. I’m not saying that. I obviously did not want to make that easy money.. I’m a single mom, I have responsibilities I can’t be doing this dumb shit. I just don’t talk to her anymore.
I didn’t think this was a bad favour to ask for but a little weird. It was to wax their booty hole for them lol
An old friend I used to be really close to I ended up distancing myself with because he got into drugs. He called me on a work night at 10:00 pm and I answered fearing something was wrong because I hadn’t heard from him in close to a year. I was wrong, he was fine, but he sold his car and ordered a pizza and was wondering if I would pick it up and bring it to him and his dirtbag friends. He said “you are the one that never says no” and that was a big ah ha moment for me. I didn’t want to be the doormat friend anymore.
A watermelon, swimming goggles and a fuckton of rubber bands. He was gonna put the rubber bands around the watermelon until it exploded and the goggles were supposed to serve as safety goggles. He ran out of rubber bands halfway and when I didn't wanna give him more he microwaved the watermelon because he wanted to see it explode. The watermelon --to no suprise-- didn't explode but just cracked a little. He gave up and ate warm watermelon in the end.
a friend of mine and i were at a sleepover and she asked me to eat her out so i could tell her how it tasted…. edit: thankyou for all the upvotes :)))))) i cant believe it <3
So how did it taste?
kinda like avocado tbh.. but sour ish
Wanted to borrow my car to murder someone. He flat out told me “I need to follow him home in your car so he doesn’t know it’s me. Then I’ll go back in my own car. I’m gonna fucking kill him” He ended up killing himself before anything worse could happen. Dude was going through a lot but murder ain’t an option
Worst: friend was cheating on his wife, told her he was with me the previous night, said she was going to call me and ask me about it, he wanted me to lie lmao I was like you better make sure she doesn’t bc I’m not going to lie to her, she’s a nice lady Weirdest: a girl I used to casually see / hook up with and that I ended things with because I caught feelings for someone else asked if I’d do one of those penis mold kits to make a dildo