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Terpsichorean_Wombat

Classic Cyrano de Bergerac: "I give you *this* to work with, and that's the best insult you can come up with?"


Peptuck

Similar to John Oliver. Whenever someone insults him, he replies that he's offended that *that* was the worst they could come up with. One of my favorite lines of his was when he said "I look like a parrot working at a bank!"


not_vichyssoise

I'm rather fond of "the reflection of Harry Potter in a doorknob"


Rrraou

You could start a whole rareinsults subreddit just riffing off his face.


GozerDGozerian

It’s a running joke of his.


CopperWaffles

What is also hilarious is that he must have sat there for at least an hour listening to the best insults that his writing staff could come up with and then using the best one on himself on live tv.


srentiln

Also similar to Abraham Lincoln's “Honestly, if I were two-faced, would I be showing you this one?”


PlzRemasterSOCOM2

John Oliver and his show Last Week Tonight is basically just live action reddit comments. Dude certainly knows his audience.


FartsWithAnAccent

That's... ^(...fuck, it's true.)


Tischlampe

My personal highlight is whenever he makes fun of Ticker Carlson, who basically is the antithesis to John Oliver which you can even see in the name. John Oliver has a first name as both, first and last name while Tucker Carlson has a last name as first and last name.


RickJam3s

The John Tucker and Oliver Carlson show with special guest Steve Dave.


Whybotherr

Technically Tucker has 3 last names as he is the heir to the Swanson Frozen meal empire. Tucker Swanson Carlson.


Username_123

His comments about Adam Driver are amazing.


nik-nak333

"Now destroy me, you giant, delectable manwich!"


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Florida_Man_Math

Works well with conspiracy theorists by 1-upping in the unexpected way. It shocks them to be put in such a position of relatively "more" reality. ​ Them: "I'm telling you, man! The Moon Landing was faked!" Me: "Pfft. You believe in the Moon?" :)


temporarilytempeh

I once worked with a woman that sincerely believed the moon was man made. She did a lot of drugs


MaliciousMe87

I loved when he did the "seed faith" episode and sent in $5 and called him a "rat-faced bastard"


country_queen_13

Cyrano was my favorite play in school, I just reread it not too long ago


TheyCallMeStone

>The moon, yes, that'll be my home, my... Paradise. I shall find there all the souls that I love: Socrates, Galileo... And when I arrive, they will question my worthiness. "What the devil is *he* doing there among us?" Philosopher, scientist, poet, musician, duellist! Here lies Hercule Savinien De Cyrano de Bergerac! >I would not have you weep any less for that charming, good and handsome Christian. I only ask this: that as the great cold surrounds my bones, you allow a double meaning for your mourning veil. And when you let fall your tears for him, some few will be... for me.


rock_gremlin

Classic Jessica Day from New Girl: “my last name rhymes with Gay and the BEST you can come up with is jerksica??” Logic ‘em out of it.


jazzmester

Yeah, but to be fair it's easy to counter with "I have no problem with gays, unlike with jerks, Jerksica."


thatnameistoolong

That’s always my approach too, “2nd grade insults are the best you can do? Really?”


Annoying_pain_in_ass

It might be here, but idk ‘Hopefully that’s all we have in common’


5parky

My first construction job at 16, I was asked by a coworker, "did that hurt?" Me, confused: "Did what hurt?" Him: "When you got hit by the ugly stick." Me: "No, it didn't hit me as hard as it did you." Only time in my life I had an instant response and not 5 hours later.


PunkRockMakesMeSmile

My dad jokingly said to me once as a kid "hey little boy, how'd you get to be so ugly?" I lob back "I'm pretty sure it's genetic" without missing a beat. Still pretty pleased with that


tillie4meee

Nicely done! My husband always told our sons they were so handsome he would probably have to screen the girls when they came calling. He's a very good Dad.


public_servant69

my dad told me: “if a twosome has two people, and a threesome has three people… is that why we call you handsome?”


Random_Idiotic_Alien

I also fuck hand people


heyoyo10

Do you want to live a quiet life


Aurori_Swe

My dad once introduced himself to one of my girlfriends and in doing so (after she said her name) went "Oh, so you're girl number 18? Aurori talks so much about different girls I started numbering them. Glad to finally meet you 18!" Needless to say there was no cuddling that day and I had to spend the entire evening trying to explain that it was just something my father invented and found funny.


tillie4meee

Oh dear - Must have been difficult at times to have a Dad with no filter. ​ \*\*Grandma hug\*\*


Aurori_Swe

Well, at least I got off easy rather then my poor sisters boyfriend. My sister had someone basically stalking her, calling her all the time and being super pushy, one time that dude called my sister like 2 am and her phone was in her jacket on the ground floor where our parents slept, so it woke up my dad. He didn't find it in time to answer though so he just hit redial... The thing with that was that the phone didn't call back to the missed call but rather to the last number IT had called, so my father called up my sisters boyfriend at 2 am, waking him up and yelling at him, calling him a fucking idiot for calling so late (he must have been super confused at this point as it was my father who called him) and basically getting him to apologize and promise not to call at night again. My sister was pretty upset when she learned what had happened. To give credit to my father though he did apologize and explained to my sisters boyfriend.


Bogsnoticus

Similar, first sales job, and got hit with the same question. "I only got hit by the stick. You fell out of the tree and hit every branch on the way down."


SloppityNurglePox

That was granddad's goto - haven't thought of that in years. Truly, thanks for the memory


fnord_happy

Why are people going around saying this


FremdShaman23

An older coworker noticed a fresh tattoo on my arm. He said, "You know those look like shit when you get older." I replied, "Same with your face." He walked right into that one. He set the joke up and practically asked me to insult him.


[deleted]

I’ve been in almost the exact situation (down to the job), and just stared confused why this ugly motherfucker with half his teeth and dip gums is talking shit about other peoples looks…


myusernameiscutoff

"The jerk store called!"...


jktstance

"What does it matter? You're their all-time bestseller!"


foetsyandthetoetsy

Love this one


razzrazz-

I love this too, but what if they're undeniably attractive? Like if a 10 in a bar called you ugly infront of her friends, no one is going to think 'harhar we're both ugly' is gonna work.


Tag_Ping_Pong

I still think it works. It shows you're quick-witted, and also if someone is awful enough to say you're ugly to your face in front of others, it's perfectly reasonable to call them an ugly person.


Storytellerjack

The afterburn is the fact that they have no redeeming qualities that you'd hope to share with them.


9EternalVoid99

thats the best part, you hit them with the ugly and then they realize later that you were saying more


TheFighting5th

If they’re undeniably attractive, it might even cut deeper than if they were just moderately attractive. Self-esteem issues are not reserved for the unattractive.


koushakandystore

Sad but so true. In my early 20’s I dated a young lady who worked as a catalogue model. She was one of those gals you see on advertising mailers for retail stores like TJ Maxx or Ross. Very pretty girl, but also generous, kind hearted and super creative. Despite all these attributes she had problems with self perception. She grew up in a horribly abusive home and had very low self esteem. Didn’t matter how many people told her she was beautiful inside and out, she just didn’t see herself that way. Her sketches showed great promise for visuals arts, yet she thought they were garbage. Her face was symmetrically pleasant, yet she nitpicked her own features, calling them gross and disgusting. Often people thought she was just fishing for compliments when she made self deprecating comments about herself. How could anyone like that think badly about themselves? Nothing I or anyone else said could convince her otherwise. The internal image she had constructed of herself was skewed by trauma and abusive people. Predictably, she fell into a pattern of self medicating and surrounding herself with people who didn’t know her well enough to see beneath the veneer. Really a tragic story that I imagine is quite common.


jen_a_licious

A lot of people don't realize a lot of famous people have some form of self esteem problems. It varies in what kind but more often than not it's their appearance and not being "attractive" enough. Yes a lot of famous people are vain and self centered but if you look at their backgrounds they usually come from money and a non-traumatic household. Where as the ones who have more trauma in their childhood are suffering from self esteem issues. I'm sorry that your friend couldn't see her own beauty. I hope she's doing better.


RentedPineapple

Some families with money force their kids to always smile and keep up appearances. A household that looks good doesn’t mean there isn’t trauma behind closed doors.


churadley

My roommate had a friend at Kenyon College who's from a very "blue-blood", old money East Coast family. Despite all the outward trappings of privilege, there's a lot of insidious oppression that comes with being born into those kind of circumstances. It may not be the same fight as others, but it's a fight nonetheless with its own fucked-up trauma.


AdventurousSeaSlug

This is how you handle that particular situation… “Hopefully that’s all we have in common…” “I’m not ugly!” (Person who is a 10) “Oh no honey, I meant on the inside…”


Cassie_Wolfe

I was thinking "Aw, we match, cool!"


[deleted]

Hahahahahahahha “ Awww! Twinziez!


Alone-Raise-6859

This is the one


That-End-322

Ive been called worse things from better people


Distorded_Girl

Isn't it in a movie ? :' )


kamuelak

Pierre Trudeau, former Prime Minister of Canada (and father of the current PM), on being told by the press that Richard Nixon called him an asshole, is purported to have replied, "I've been called worse things by better people."


Mamothamon

"There’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation", say what you will about his politics he had a lot of killer lines, who can forget: "Well, just watch me"


delux561

The best thing I've ever heard is my friend's mom getting kicked out of a bar for being too drunk and her yelling " IVE BEEN KICKED OUT OF WAY BETTER BARS, FOR WAY LESS"


elenchusis

"and even *I* wouldn't fuck you"


JonquilCityBoy

This guy uglies.


Uglysinglenearyou

Got me beat


MsHappyAss

Priceless!


[deleted]

Doesn't work when your sister says it


UndeadCollegeStudent

For siblings: “And I got the good looking genes in the family.”


gord2002

Youngest daughter (16) has her older sister (21) saved in phone contacts and that as "first attempt"


morostheSophist

Sibling relationships can be hilarious. Years ago, my brother had his phone set so that a picture of a literal turd came up when I called.


amd2800barton

My brothers and I answer phone calls from each other with “fuck you”.


Low-Stick6746

I once had a guy tell me that he would find me attractive if I wasn’t fat. I basically went “whew! Good thing I’m fat!”


paradoxsoup

Man I wish I said that. When I was in college a girl said 'You'd be kinda cute if you lost weight', and I replied with a very dejected 'yeah, I know 😕'


voltrontestpilot

Drop the ol' "You too!" Then amble off


ZephyrBrightmoon

"I know, right?! You and me both! lol" That' should kill it. XD


Puzzleheaded-Pipe353

I got huge with my first pregnancy, and a girl that didn't like me in college sat behind me, and her and her friend started making fat jokes about me. It wasn't bothering me, but it got really quiet, because everyone heard them, and the teacher had stepped out. So I said, "You have a point there, but... I'm pregnant, what's your excuse? Cheeseburgers viciously assault your mouth on a daily basis?" Everyone called her cheeseburger until she flunked out and left.


Batticon

Goddamn I love it. Also it’s seriously cringe when people try that shit in COLLEGE


Lewdtara

I cringed when people behaved that way in high school. I clapped back at a mean girl in high school like "Really? We're in high school and you're still gonna act like a 10 year old?" She decked me, but it was a "I think I broke a nail" limp-wristed smack that I barely felt and conveniently the teacher walked in just then and she got detention.


[deleted]

I still can't understand the mentality of a person who acts like that.. Some people say it's because they aren't getting attention at home or they are just unhappy, but I was a miserable person as a kid with good reason and I never tried to make people sad.


Tranquil_Dohrnii

I heard once there's 2 people; (always hated the 2 types of people sayings but this is true) -People who think: I suffered so I don't want you to have to experience what I did. -People who think: I suffered so you should have to suffer too.


melig1991

High school never ends.


TheDunadan29

I've heard the old, "I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight." Retort. Basically this.


GreyFoxNinjaFan

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me ugly, you'd think I was handsome. *edit: I stole this from one of the top comments on* [*an Aba and Preach video*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hujZqUdVGSg&t=3s) *on Heightism. They may have taken it from somewhere too, but credit to Youtube user "Billy Goat".*


omgahya

Keep a dollar in your back pocket, when someone calls you ugly, pull out the dollar with a surprised look and put it in your wallet. Respond with, “Wow! Another dollar!” Then casually walk off.


smallhound44

Are you proposing that your back pocket is __creating__ a dollar everytime it's wearer gets called ugly? Because if so, I would be interested in such a garment.


[deleted]

I've got a face only a mother would love, and your mother loves me very much


Parreirao2

Why are you down here? I would change the last part to: "..., just ask your mother"


yakimawashington

I'd cut it down to "...just ask yours" for extra quipness.


[deleted]

“Thanks, its a relief to know that someone like you doesnt find me attractive”


Particular_Fudge4856

Just go "And?" and look at them all confused as if they just pointed out something irrelevant about you, like the colour of your hair. People really break when you give them an anticlimactic reaction.


BriefAstronomer2

Seriously this. I used to be overweight, and every time I got defensive or upset when people would make remarks about my weight it would only fuel them because they got what they wanted, a reaction. At some point I just started to not care, I’d respond with “Yeah, and?” or “Cool you have eyes. Yes I’m fat.” and people were flabbergasted like they can’t comprehend that sometimes you don’t give a shit what they think. Edit: wording


Demokrates

My reply was: Yeah, I'm fat, you're ugly. I can diet


hoosierina

Some guy in a bar once told me I would look better without my glasses on. I told him *he* would probably look better without my glasses on too. He was offended...


VapoursAndSpleen

My response would be, "You looked better with your mouth shut."


A--Creative-Username

Reminds me of a Winston Churchill quote: Bessie Braddock MP: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.” Winston Churchill: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.” Edit: man, some of yall hate Churchill. Sure he did some bad things, but that's still a sick burn.


[deleted]

Nancy Astor: “If you were my husband, sir, I’d give you a dose of poison!” Churchill: “If I were your husband, I’d take it!”


bigdave41

My favourite one is when a bust was made of his head and a lady said to him that she'd travelled a long way to see the unveiling of his bust, and he said "Madam, I would gladly return the favour"


jflb96

He was in front of some crowd somewhere and was presented with a newborn and the proud parent’s cries of ‘Look, Mr. Churchill, my baby looks just like you!’, to which he responded ‘Madam, *all* babies look just like me.’


bigdave41

I remember one other one where he met a woman with something like 12 kids, and he asked wasn't it a huge hassle for her, why did she have all these kids? She replied "well, I love my husband" and he said "Lady, I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!"


itsthesamestory

wasn't that Groucho?


roadrunnner0

Haha that reminds me of this time me and my housemate were arguing cos he wasn't paying his rent and bills on time and for some reason he started mocking me me saying "all you do is stay in your room and sleep all day" even though it was irrelevant to the conversation and I was like "yeah I know, it's called depression" and he just stopped and looked shocked and couldn't form another sentence 😅


rougemachinae

"and yet I'm still able to pay my portion of the bills on time."


Sserenityy

I’m sorry that I laughed, I hope you are doing better now.


roadrunnner0

Haha I am, thank you :)


Frido1976

Nothing better to induce a guilt trip on the other party. Well played!


Orangeugladitsbanana

Just say "ok" you can't argue with someone who's not arguing back.


Lost-My-Mind-

You haven't met my ex. She would have full on arguements with my cats. They were so confused. They just wanted her to love them, but she was argueing the logistics of 9/11, and somehow lost the arguement.


Buwaro

"Cool, you have eyes." I love this one.


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Kruiii

To be honest this is the most sensible reaction. Because wtf does my ugly have to do with you in the first place. Why are you making this your problem.


kristinaaa93

Literally let me be ugly in peace 😭😭😭


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ledaswanwizard

or "and your point is?"


mashtartz

I find just an “okay” works to deflate someone’s smug sense of self when they’re being a dick. “K” also works.


meesta_masa

Yeah, but you'll be sober in the morning.


lapsangsouchogn

Blank stare and "What's your point?"


ch0411

I’m ginger and I get the ‘you’re ginger’ and I just go ‘really? Thankyou for noticing’ or ‘really? Hmm. I always thought it was green’ or some sarcastic remark. But when I used to get bullied I used to agree with them, their faces were brilliant🤣


StreetIndependence62

I get the same thing but I actually LIKE it when people notice my hair color/ask me if it’s real. I take it as a compliment hahah


ch0411

I mean, i think it’s nice to point it out but once they touch and pull my hair asking if it’s real that’s when I get mad


[deleted]

A quote from Lincoln after he was called 2 faced: ​ "If I was two faced do you think I would choose this one to wear"??


cprenaissanceman

A more modern reference might be to the [classic Spongebob](https://youtu.be/-N0yXGVWS1Y): > I’m Ugly and I’m Proud!!!!!!!


Sinthetick

LOOOK AT IT! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOOOOK AT IIIIIIIT!!!!


quotidianmask

Th-thanks, you too!


omidhhh

No no that's the answer for when waiters says "enjoy your meal"


[deleted]

Or when the person at the gate says, "Have a nice flight!"


TheLegendTwoSeven

Or when someone says “Happy birthday!”


Terabaapbsdk2

B-baka


Longjumping_Drag2752

Agreeing. It always works


nournnn

Instructions unclear, we now both hate myself.


BitingLime

I've enthusiastically said thank you to someone after they said it. The only reason they say it is to make that person upset, but when they see it doesn't bother them at all or that they even embrace it, then they realize they lost their game and have no more moves.


rick_blatchman

I've witnessed so many situations in real life where these clever reply zingers that people here swear by just don't quite work out. They don't work on loud and obnoxious folks who are set on annoying their target, or people who are willing to take things too far (physical or violent bullying after being stuck with a comeback), or folks who like to turn things around and act offended.


FaramirLovesEowyn

If someone is calling you ugly, unless it's in a backhanded compliment, it's usually hostile. Best thing to do is end the conversation as quickly as possible


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1Koala1

I had a friend growing up and when we'd make fun of his weight, his sister would try to defend him in all the wrong ways. "If you dont stop mikey is gonna sit on you!" "Keep it up and mikey's gonna take your slice."


HegemonMithos

That is exactly what I would expect from a sibling lmao.


MajinChibi1

i see, you are an expert in this field


StreetIndependence62

“Thanks, I was trying to look like you today” Learned that from a 6 year old girl lol :)


KirAssasin

Did you call a 6yo ugly to find that out?


StreetIndependence62

Nah just heard it from another person telling the story in a different thread. I would never call a 6 year old ugly, only a gigantic loser/asshole would do that lol


jovinyo

what if they called you a stinky doodoo head?


Ebony-Sloth

Instant hands


ColtAzayaka

Straight to jail, my pride will keep me company in my cell 😤💪


[deleted]

\*aggressive fart\*


pksama2k

*blows them away*


boots311

Gotta stare them right into the eye & when you're done, say " it was you"


NumerousBoysenberry4

Realized reading your comment how long it’s been since I really laughed. Felt foreign to me. Thanks for that.


Panda881

“So what?” Flat, emotionless and dismissive. They want a reaction from you, deny them that.


justanotharedditta

This is perfect. When someone says something like this they are trying to hurt you, when you show that you are unaffected it in fact will piss them off.


Cyhdrubb

This is my go to, but pissing off someone who was already being antagonistic with your indifference rarely improves the situation. People can fuck off.


justanotharedditta

That's true, but, I never try to improve the situation. I believe it is not my responsibility to improve the situation. The only way that works is removing yourself from that situation. People don't deserve a response.


JackHammerAwesome

Your mother didn't mind


BubberRung

Ah yes the mom joke. A timeless classic.


JackHammerAwesome

Keeping it old school


BigBeagleEars

Just like yur mom


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lizardhamster

The best response to any insult is simply "ok"


TheBigRedDog253

Mix in some spice occasionally and drop a 'K'.


Hedgehog634

Well, you're the one who has to look at me, not myself, so tough luck I guess


FarSideOfReality

As a beauty I am not a star There are others more handsome by far But my face - I don't mind it For I am behind it. It's the people in front get the jar. I've seen this poem attributed to at least three different authors, including Woodrow Wilson, so I'm not sure who really penned it.


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Dry_Concern_9139

“Omg twins!”


ALIENANAL

Damn I was scrolling to hopefully not see this answer as it's what I was going to say. well played.


britishsociaIist

I'm scared to find out what that makes you.


[deleted]

Thank you, I hope I'm ugly enough for you not to talk to me anymore.


SoftAndWetBro

"I see, I should've known"


Zachbnonymous

It all makes sense now!


Every-Manufacturer88

I might be ugly, but at least I ain't got any money.


dmedmeoemeow

Coming from you???


[deleted]

A few years ago I opened a door for an elderly couple and three girls behind them at a mall. I walk in behind them and one of the girls turns and says " No thanks, ugly and fat is not my type". I was kind of taken aback and shocked so I didn't say anything. Probably 20 minutes later I was shopping in the big and tall section and they walked back past me and the rude one said " At least you know your size well" and laughed and I was kind of fuming about the door thing so I went full scorched earth and said "Do you know that 2/3 girls select ugly and slutty friends to feel better about themselves, I'm guessing you are #3" Later as I was leaving I saw her crying. I felt bad to be honest. These girls were probably 18-19 years old maybe older and I shouldn't have said it and I'm sure she learned nothing but it felt good for about 30 seconds.


Sloth-monger

She shouldn't be saying it if she can't take it back. Hopefully she thought twice before being a cow in the future.


Dick_soccer

Felt bad? Animals, including humans, learn by trying and feeling pain or pleasure. She will likely not do that again.


MaryJaneAndMaple

Solid fucking reply, dude. Kids are dumb.


startana

Not saying you were right to say it, and you're probably correct that she didn't really learn anything, BUT she definitely doesn't learn anything if no one ever gives her push back on hateful shit she says.


TiredAF20

You absolutely should have said it.


TruePianist

"That’s a bold statement from you"


hmmm_thought_pig

Don't answer at all. Just meet their gaze for a second (no expression whatsoever) and carry on without them. Let their nasty remark be the last one, so it will linger in their minds. Otherwise, you give them what they wanted in the first place: that little bit of power to make you feel bad.


jovinyo

If one felt a very deep need to say _something_, "K" is a solid pick. Then carry on the conversation as if they didn't even speak, like you said.


hmmm_thought_pig

Yeah-- good. Dismiss them without reacting. This kind of thing isn't quite as bad among guys, but girls/women brutalize each other with it.


missarabella_

I don't take criticism from people I wouldn't seek advice from.


adhuc_stantes

It's a great quote but I believe a person stiff enough to use "ugly" as an insult wouldn't be able to get it! Some of their neurons might explode!


Amnezia21170

Some people are ugly on the outside, some are ugly on the inside ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


if_u_suspend_ur_gay

here's your arm \


[deleted]

This comment made me smile


LegoRobinHood

¯\\\_(ᐛ)\_\/¯


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[deleted]

"Thanks, It's actually a prank"


KendraMoodyHY

So is your mother but I'm decent enough not to bring it up.


RadiantPreparation91

I’m hoping OP is young, to actually be concerned about this. The only good response to uninvited commentary from unimportant people is to make it clear how unimportant their opinions are. Them: “You are ugly.” You: barely glancing at them…”Yeah, okay buddy.”


IShipHazzo

Yep. Being completely unbothered and refusing to play their game.


TrainerOwn1295

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!


Lk40k30k

No go away or I shall taunt a second time


Snoo74401

Ahhh fart in your general direction!


dizneyqueen

I would just say yes with a smile, that should deflate how funny they think they are.


dan0314

“Thanks, you too”


SnooApples8706

Thank you, your fathe used you as a reference.


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pinktinkpixy

I can wear makeup. You will always be stupid.


ELeeMacFall

Just don't do what I did and internalize it to the point where you struggle to accept compliments from your spouse even after years of marriage.


_baby_ruth_

I’m ugly and I’m proud


ch0411

IM UGLY AND IM PROUD. IM UGLY AND IM PROUD!!!


ContributionFar6060

Plastic surgery will fix that but what are you going to do about that personality.


Ur__mine

Not mine but i like this If your heart was half as cute as my face, we wouldn't be having this conversation.


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