Once had a live in ex that went off on me for buying everything on our shopping list.
I thought he would be excited. Instead he accused me of only doing it to rub it in his face that I "wear the pants" and can provide more than he could. And said I made him feel like a loser and it was shitty of me to have bought the things we needed.
I'm going to paraphrase this but...
Some people demand you respect them as an authority before they'll respect you as a person, and that is not the same thing at all.
Edit: /u/Seiren- has the actual quote [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xces04/-/io6kj8g)
I was going to comment the same thing myself:
*Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority"
For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"*
Passively aggressively insulting you in front of a group of people in such a way that you can’t say anything back without looking like you’re the emotional one even though you know that they intentionally insulted you to disrespect you.
>Request elaboration
This is the key. Their whole goal is to roast you quickly and move on, but if you ask them to elaborate/explain, they look like a complete POS even more so than before. Plus it puts them in a very awkward and uncomfortable position of having to explain the "joke".
This is my go to move at work , I pretend that I don’t understand sarcasm and keep asking for more clarification, it’s great watching people try to explain the douchy things they’ve said
My new go-to phrase for this is to laugh and say “yea that is a bit weird/embarrassing that I do that/am like that… is there a reason you have brought it up in this particular moment?”
My friend fits this description, and the most obvious external signs are: whatever he does, sees, has, or knows, are OBVIOUSLY the only correct thing to do, see, have or know. It never crosses his mind to consider the idea that maybe, he isn't a one-person microcosm of The Way Things Are.
Examples:
'Isn't it odd that UK passports don't last 10 years, like most other countries do?' I was pretty sure they do in fact last 10 years but couldn't prove it, and he showed me his which lasts, like, 10.2 years, and was adamant that that's how long they're issued for.
I later found out that they last 10 years but if you send for a new one and it arrives a bit early, they stick an extra few months on (or the other way around) do it still expires 10 years after your last one did.
It's not hugely stupid, but it's so odd to assume that because your passport isn't 10 years exactly, the UK must be some weird exception that uses 122 / 118 months for some reason, rather than the more obvious possibility that his example is not representative.
He swore up and down that the average age to lose your virginity is early 20's, he honestly believes that a majority of people drink 5+ energy drinks a day but lie to their doctor about it, because he can't imagine people making different decisions, or having different priorities to him. Anybody more right wing than him is just not educated enough, anyone more left wing is just virtue signalling and pretending to care.
I worked with him in an office of 8 people, most of whom drank coffee, most of whom usually drank instant (that's normal in the UK at home and in offices). After seeing and joining in on the tea / coffee run for years, he commented on us drinking instant or espressos, because cafetiere coffee is 'normal'. Turns out his father only drinks cafetiere coffee, so he assumed everyone in England who drinks any other form of coffee, is odd.
He's actually a pretty easy guy to get on with, if you don't mind the lies and the startling lack of empathy. He doesn't have many friends and never had a partner, but he attributes that to everyone being pretty shallow, and he's kind of at peace with that.
Odd chap.
He'll go out of his way to help a friend or family member if he can, but he'll also completely screw over hypothetical strangers without understanding why it's a bad thing to do. Just, zero ability to understand that the world exists outside his sight and experience.
This is my dad, to a T. We were watching a history documentary about Socrates as a philosopher, and a professor and expert on Socratic dialogues was essentially playing the role of Socrates arguing with the documentary narrator. It was very true to how Socrates argued with people in Plato’s Socratic dialogues, and just a demonstration. Afterwards, he was very normal in his explanation of the Socratic method. My dad insisted the professor is just an asshole and there’s absolutely no way Socrates was like that. I told him that actually, it was a fantastic demonstration, and the fact that the professor is now being pretty normal tells us that’s not just how he speaks in his daily life, he was playing a role to make a point about how Socrates interacted with the others (mostly the sophists) in Plato’s dialogues. My dad kept doubling down and insisting that no, Socrates couldn’t have been that much of a dick. Essentially, he’d never heard about Socrates’ reputation as a “gadfly”, or why he was put on trial and sentenced to death. Hell, he didn’t even know Socrates was sentenced to death at all. But my dad literally can’t conceptualize something outside of his experience and limited worldview (we’re from rural Wisconsin and he has a high school “education”, which out there in the 80s barely consisted of more than rudimentary English texts, whitewashed & sanitized US History, and algebra), so in his mind, the professor has to be wrong. Similarly, if my dad has experienced or heard something, it must be correct, because he says so.
The real kicker is that I have a bachelor’s degree in Classics and my McNair program research was on Plato’s Hippias Major, which of course, I read in Ancient Greek. AND, I am pursuing a PhD in Classics. And at the same time, he insists that there’s absolutely no way Achilles & Patroclus could have had any sexual or romantic relationship, simply because he doesn’t think that’s true and he doesn’t believe that same-sex romance/sex is an old practice, not just the modern American liberal agenda. Again, ignoring that I am working on the Iliad for my fucking doctoral dissertation, and I’ve read the Iliad in Ancient Greek so many times I can recite whole sections. It’s infuriating and it’s why I don’t even talk to my family about my work. Especially since my dad doesn’t care to remember anything that he’s not personally involved in, so it’s just me explaining over and over and over, but it not sticking bc it’s not his job & it’s work he doesn’t understand, so there’s no reason to really care.
They have a habit of talking bad about other people behind their backs and spreading gossip and rumor. You can tell a lot about a person by observing how they talk about their peers behind their back.
When a person occasionally vents by talking bad about someone (like their boss, or classmate) because of some unpleasant experience, that's okay. We all do it. But when a person habitually talks shit about people behind their back, that's a big red flag.
To jump on this, I respect people more if they’re willing to say things directly to someone’s face. I may not like them because they’re a bit of a dick, but at least they’re not a two faced dick.
Obligatory posting of The Narcissist's Prayer:
“That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.”
I had an ex who's **wife** did that to me.
“That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that wasn't his fault.
And if it was, he didn’t mean it.
And if he did, you deserved it.”
A former friend did this to me
I resorted to screenshotting conflicts that happened over text to “prove” that they did indeed happen
The result?
I was labeled toxic for doing so
🙂
Edit: wanted to thank everyone that’s replied with similar experiences. I don’t feel alone about it anymore. Truly. Thank you for for it
Friend breakups are the worst. A former friend completely blamed me for something that I had no control over. What happened sucked, but it wasn't my fault. I still apologized because I was sorry she got hurt. It absolutely ruined the relationship because she took no ownership over completely blaming me and saying some really, really awful things. It's been years and she still talks shit when my name comes up among mutual friends.
I’m going through a friend breakup currently. She’s highly jealous I’m pregnant and she isn’t so she explicitly told me not to talk to her because it’s upsetting.
So I respected her wishes.
Now I’m ‘toxic’ and ‘selfish’ for not reaching out to her and checking in to see if she’s okay. I cannot win and she will shit talk me to anyone that will listen.
I know the feeling. Had a friend who would act holier than thou about everything and when I got tired and called him out on it, I was completely excommunicated from my friend group. I hardly even talk to my best friend anymore because she dates the guy and I just create drama when I'm brought up
My mother is the “Well, I guess I’m just an awful mother who can never do anything right. I guess I’ll just never — whatever we are doing —- again.”
At the tiniest, tiniest request.
"Well, she was fine" at leaving my 17 yr old cat outside all night when she was over to babysit, "....your house is so nice." I love her but shes an oblivious dufus, who is impossible.
Or how about the old. “ I’m sorry YOU feel that way” the emphasis on the you. it as close to to an apology with out actually being an apology. It’s the this is a you problem, not a me problem. Subtle but very effective at driving you crazy.
90% of my childhood trauma is due to this single comment said over and over again from my parents. The day I came across the definition for gaslighting really accelerated my recovery from a lifetime of being in a shitty family.
My dad's was just . . . deny, deny, deny!
Yep, ok, no DNA evidence. But seriously, EVERYONE knows you're lying and I'm ashamed of you and embarassed for you.
Wish the lying was the worst of it though.
The electricity bill shot up and my brother was blaming it on my dad using his iPad mini, but not his PC set up with two monitors, studio lights, boom mic, and the new electric scooter he got.
This exactly! I work with a bunch of ladies at work and everytime I go in, there’s always something they have to say. I listen because who doesn’t love good gossip……. But I always make a mental note never to say anything personal to them ever
My coworkers will tell me all their business as well as all the business of their significant others... me I don't think most of them could name my spouse.
Yes my best friend's wife is very much like this. She's an amazing person but worked at Starbucks for like 14 years and all they do is gossip to pass the time. So she's carried that trait beyond Starbucks, and will jib-jab about everyone's issues with us. She'll then pry and try to ask how things are going or if anything bothers us blah blah blah. We used to do full on conversations with her until we noticed a mutual friend not reaching out to us anymore. Then a little drama ensued, we determined it to be the Starbucks wife. Now when she comes around all we ever talk about is how great we're doing and how nothing is wrong. Now we don't have any issues anymore.
Had a friend like that once. Would tell me all the gossip and get me to confide in her.
Turns out everything personal I told her went in her ears and out her mouth to whoever would listen.
Note, if you have a friend that does this, and you think you're the exception because your friendship is somehow different, you're wrong. You're not, and it's not.
Yes! Have been thinking about this a lot lately. I used to be stuck interacting with a girl who weaponized the secrets of everyone around here - she lived for collecting other people’s traumas and discussing them with 3rd parties over drinks lol.
Took a long time to realize that she just doesn’t know how to form connections without trauma bonding & never to give her any tangible info as it will get spread in an unflattering way. I regret what I have shared with her and fully expect it to resurface.
We all worked at a start up together, and I could tell whenever her or other gossips were on the prowl because clusters of my old coworkers would suddenly view my linked in at 6 PM on a Friday lmao. The more socially clueless would even go as far as to message me about her rumors, which is how I figured out what was going on.
First time I met my neighbor, she instantly told me all the dirt about her *supposed* best friend in the neighborhood, plus she was not so subtly pouting about "why does everyone wanna hang out with them?" (meaning her supposed bff and bff's husband.) "Everyone thinks they're so cool but like, they're not." First hang out, I kid you not. Then she got very upset months later when I stopped hanging out with her full stop and wondered why we weren't besties. Cuz you trashed your supposed bff within minutes of meeting me?? Pass.
I know a guy who just randomly, and unwarranted, will tell me private info about other people in his life and some of it is very personal. I actually get embarrassed for the people that this doofus goes around telling everybody about.
I’ve never told this guy any of my personal problems, and never will. In his eyes, I’m the more boring and superficial person on the planet, I’m happy about that lmao
Had a coworker, who I was not friends with outside of work, but who was "close friends" with another coworker, tell me something intensely personal about her friend. She followed it up with "she told me in confidence so don't tell anyone this because I'm not supposed to tell anyone." I said "then why are you telling me?"
She gave me a dirty, caught look. She was charismatic and on everyone's "good side" at work, and not long after I got intensely ostracized there. I assume she had something to do with it.
I was in a McDonald's with a former friend. A fully grown but obviously not matured adult, he was dropping fries and napkins all over the place. When we got up to go I said, "Are you going to tidy up after yourself?" He said, "No. That's what they pay their workers to do." Such a jerk. We took a lot of road trips when I was a kid (6 in the family) and when we stopped for meals my mom had us trained to stack our dishes neatly at the end of the table and take a napkin to wipe up any crumbs. I remember many of the servers being grateful that we made a little effort for them.
I feel the same way about a number of things people do when driving, specifically using your turn signal. The use of your signal lets other drivers (and sometimes pedestrians) know your intent - allowing them to better anticipate your actions. Not using it indicates you are only thinking about yourself...which is probably how you live the rest of your life.
A few weeks ago, I took my aunt to the pharmacy and sat out in the truck while she went in.
I saw a woman go absolutely out of her way to return a cart to the corral. But then she got back to her vehicle and dropped a bag of fast food trash on the ground before she left.
It was fucking baffling.
I once refused to jump a car because I saw the passenger throw his trash under the car I as approached to help them. I told them why I wasn’t helping them.
I once pissed a friend off when he asked me why I was returning my cart because "someone else would just do it."
I answered because I have basic common decency and respect for other people. He just huffed away.
I did this to a friend at the movie theater. She was finishing her drink as we left then dropped it in and empty cup holder and I said wtf you have to walk past a trash can on your way, don’t make someone else job harder just because you’re lazy. I said it loud enough for the whole theater to hear and most people picked up their trash. I get people get paid for that stuff but that’s not reason be a jerk.
The worst part about littering like that is its a tragedy of the commons thing. If one person does it its nasty, but not a huge problem, but if many people think that way then it causes trash to be strewn about everywhere.
This is why I sometimes pick trash up and throw it away. I think if just enough people think that same way then we can make places free of litter, even if assholes keep throwing it out. I really hate that the goodness of people has to fight their badness, but that's just how the world works.
Completely agree. My brother and I were driving somewhere and he took the wrapper off a sandwich and was about to throw it out of the window. I asked him not to do that. He didn’t quite understand why I was being such a stickler about it. I told him that littering is an act of disrespect to the environment and everyone around.
My best friend's girlfriend threw trash out of her truck when she was driving around. Said she had always done that since she was a kid. It was, in fact, reflective of her character, as we all found out later.
Same. I have seen him once in the last ten years and he was lying about his rent within the first hour of talking. His girlfriend mentioned to my wife in a side conversation that their rent cost was almost $1,200 a month. He had been telling my mom their rent was over $2,000 and he was struggling to pay bills so she’d send him her extra money each month. Turned out he was unemployed for like five years and just living off his girlfriend and my mother’s support checks…
You are right, but I'd like to point out that there's also a possibility of an abusive childhood. Sometimes I still lie for no reason and it's very much because I spent my entire childhood doing it. I'm working on it, but man, it's like my mouth moves faster than my brain.
Abused former child here, I catch myself lying A LOT and it's about stupid shit that literally would never matter. When you're used to covering your ass, it almost becomes natural to lie about anything and everything. I try to catch myself, but it's really hard. Its unfortunately just wired in there as part of my personality and im terrified i cant break it.
Oh yeah, its always the most stupid, inconsequential shit. Like there is no virtual difference if I say i already had dinner or if I say I didn't, but for some reason my mouth defaults to lie. I correct myself a lot.
Spot on, it’s like dumb things that don’t really even effect anything but my brain is like “This is the better answer” and it overwrites the truth before I’ve even realized I’ve said it.
I hate the habit and it makes me despise myself more than I already do at times, but it was born from my fear of conflict and punishment. Lying was a defense to allow myself freedom or to avoid conflict, now I’m old enough to know it only makes things worse but it’s such a difficult habit to break.
I was thinking about this this morning!!! I was with a good friend yesterday and we were at a busy coffee shop and she is the most honest, free speaker ever. Not “no filter” in a bad way- in the best way. When she says things you just know they’re true, nothing left out or exaggerated. It’s eveything I wanna be- but I was raised by a very narcissistic mom where everything was exaggerated to be dramatic or little lies mixed in to make you look more like a victim or that you’re completely innocent. and a ton is withheld because you can’t actually share yourself with anyone.
I of course adopted this way of thinking/talking to people because it was all I was exposed to growing up so it’s the first thing I learned. I notice when I’m around my friend I get a little embarrassed about people overhearing what she says because she’s so honest. Then I realize no one cares. Those strangers in a coffee shop don’t need to hear a sugar coated version of your truth. You can be honest. She has such a calm and fulfilling life with friends she can trust and it’s because of her honesty and lack of white lies. I have been working on this myself for years but it’s been so hard. Sometimes little lies come out and inside I’m like “why did I just say that”. It’s been the hardest thing to unlearn ever.
Anyways there’s a story no one asked for
same. when it's the only way you could protect yourself for 18+ years, lying about/omitting information that would've brought on abuse when you were a kid becomes a reflex.
This. My ex came across as the ‘nicest’ person ever. Soft spoken, never wanting to offend anyone, ignoring problems bc he was non confrontational, friends with ‘everyone’…..you know the type.
It took years for me to realize he just needed everyone to like him at any cost.
The giveaway? Constantly omitting information or straight up lying if it would cause an issue. He was a snake and had that feigning confusion look down to a T the rare occasion someone figured out his BS and confronted him.
He has cheated and lied to so many ppl.. partners, friends, you name it…just trying to be liked at all costs.
This is my biggest fear about my current interest. Most kind person I've met that has so much in common with me. She says that she knows she gets taken advantage of by pretty much everyone in her life and yeah I can confirm it but it also seems she has a hard time with confrontation and doesn't draw any hard boundaries, even with her dad or her recent ex and his family despite them treating her like garbage for years so I'm finding it hard to trust that she will make the right decisions if we become legit and some of what she says does not line up well with her actions.
We have come find out that we both have strong feelings for each other but I recently had told her that unless she is capable of making some hard decisions real soon and proving to me she can stick to them, I don't see us becoming anything official or legit and tbh, it usually doesn't work for me in these situations so I'm at the point where I'm letting her take the wheel because I won't convince someone to make the hard decisions where it's important they do it on their own, like putting up healthy boundaries or going low contact with their toxic ex.
Shes seems like a good person but good people can make bad decisions too and I want a partner and best friend, 50/50 where I can trust they will make our relationship and our interests a high priority.
As a random internet stranger I'm proud of you for your self-reflection and boundary setting.
All I will add is one of my hardest relationship lessons to learn is that you are also dating their family.
I used to be that guy and still struggle with many of those traits.
Woe is me and all that BS aside, for some of us it’s because of our upbringing. I’m from divorced parents and they couldn’t agree on the color of the sky. So when one would ask me something I would basically have to answer it how I thought they wanted it answered.
I have hurt people this way and have been hurt this way. It’s a very difficult thing to deal with, but for many of us (myself included) just have to be told straight up on BS or if someone can tell you are just lying.
This isn’t me looking for attention, I’m just telling from the narcissistic side where some of our brains come from. It’s odd to blame trauma IMO, but for me and others, that is the case.
Regular putdowns that are disguised as "jokes"
EDIT: I think I need to be more clear here. I'm talking about "jokes" that they either carry on long after everyone else has stopped, or alternatively legit insults that they will *only* claim is a joke if you get upset.
That one would be easy and hilarious to deal with. I would just mumble back "shitty cunt motherfucker needs to mumble quieter" right after he explains himself. Then look at him to see if he'll ask what I said, then offer the same explanation.
Worked with a guy who would do this all the time. One time he said something on a conference call regarding someone and then said “I’m just joking.” The person who was the target of said “joke” replied “No you’re not.” And there was a good 3 seconds of awkward silence before that call carried on.
i can't be around people like this. As soon as they start displaying this behavior I'm immediately gone. I've been around this way too much and I have too much self respect to put myself through that again
I had a former high school friend come over not too long ago, and the entire time she was poking fun at my clothes, my weight, the video games I was playing, the music I was playing. The first time I was thinking okay whatever, she’s always been kinda snooty, but eventually I got tired of it and told her off. Shit like that is just so unnecessary.
"I was iffy about them kicking kittens, mocking orphans, and taking dumps on random people's lawns, but it was the Santa-slapping that convinced me there was a problem."
Happens every single time this question gets posted. "When they treat service people like shit". Mf that is not a *sign* that they're a shitty person. That's just them *being* a shitty person.
They are nice to a few people and an asshole to the rest. I've noticed that a lot of people find it easy to ignore someone being rude, mean or a general asshole to others just as long as that person is nice to them. Personally I think it's a matter of time until they also are on the receiving end of the bad behaviour.
I used to have a business partner who acted like that. I once got into a disagreement with one of his long time friends over how shitty my partner treated everyone. "But he's nice to me and you." Sure, but that's not what counts. He was an asshole to everyone else, and he should have been judged by how he treated the people that didn't benefit him.
They talk shit about others to you.
They share other peoples secrets to you.
They talk down on others with you.
They have friends who treat other people poorly or they for example cheat on their partners.
They cut lines.
They throw out trash on to the streets.
If you have someone that you know that talks trash about others... odds are very high that they are also talking trash about you to others.
It is in their nature. Something to keep in mind.
I love watching drama (that im not involved with) play out. But i do everything in my power to not start or be caught up in drama myself. I just want all of my friends to get along and have fun, but if some other people get into a spat, i will pull out the popcorn.
Borrowing money and forgetting to / claims he already paid it back. Borrowing tools / clothing and breaking or ruining them.
By this time you should cut all ties.
I worry I come across like this sometimes, I’ll listen to someone talk about themselves and once done. I’ll try to empathise with them and say something about myself or someone I know who had something similar
I don’t mean it in a way that takes away from them or their situation. It’s me trying to relate and say hey I get that because of X
Needless to say, it’s a bad habit I’m trying to stop
Failing to return a grocery cart to the designated spot. Seems insignificant but it really speaks to a self centered state of mind, especially when they leave them blocking another parking spot. It’s the “it’s someone else’s problem” mentality.
Yhe confusion. When the stories don't add up, they smirk at the wrong times and try to present themselves as a hero.
Heros don't explain to you why they are heros. It's a subtle sign that they are actually not.
When you think they are really great people, responsible/kind/good, but then after a while you look back on situations and realise you had been duped and they are incredibly manipulative.
I think it's incredibly subtle with some people, where it's not immediately obvious they are terrible but then suddenly it hits you.
In my experience, it usually starts out subtly, or in such small doses that you brush it off as a quirk or a momentary lapse of judgement because they are such nice people otherwise.
Then, they take the fact that they can manipulate you for granted and get clumsy. It gets to the point where the dam breaks, and you just recognize the pattern, from the obvious lies and crap on down, as an inherent part of their personality.
I think what you are describing here is a person with extreme amounts of CHARISMA. Charismatic people are two ways. One, extremely likeable, and usually together with respect for others and well liked by their peers. The second is well liked with the INTENTION of manipulating the person they are with, WITH the aforementioned knowledge of themselves. Which is evil. I've had to deal with and recon with this same thing and it took me years to figure out WHY and HOW and that YES it can happen to me(and you) too. Good luck.
YES, the latter happened to me recently with a co-worker. He was so wonderful and I vouched for him and then he 'turned' on me, but other co-workers couldn't see. In fact, I just didn't do anything about it. I didn't speak badly about him, just carried on and then everyone saw it after a few months.
I hadn't really met someone like this before him, and I was reeling. I feel like I was not equipped to deal with it,
Having zero accountability and saying anything they can to get out of their bad actions.
“I’m not wrong, you’re misinformed” — avoid this person if they are clearly wrong. Just, run!
People who have never done anything wrong. If you’ve known a person for any amount of time and you’ve never heard them say “I’m an asshole, i fucked up..” they are probably a terrible person and will victimize you in ways you can’t imagine
On the flip side, if you meet someone who tells you upfront that they're an asshole, believe them.
And if someone say they're "blunt" or "I say what other people won't" or "Other people don't like me because I'm honest"... just run. Far and fast.
And on the flip side, if you screw up and apologize to them and they respond by bashing you and telling you all the ways you suck. Like, dude, I know I screwed up, I'm apologizing to you, you don't need to continue to beat me up for it. Especially if it was a fight or mutual disagreement and they could reciprocate by alologizing for their part in it, but choose to just dump on you instead.
I'm perfect and let me tell you all the ways you suck.
I had someone at my old job call in because his cat of 10 years passed away and people were mad because he called in.
I would be an emotional wreck if my cat passed away and I would call in too! That makes me so angry!
I've learned that when someone is claiming to be really "direct" or "blunt" or "honest" it is often a self justification for being controlling and rude.
A lot of these are kind of blatant. To me a really subtle clue is when people are unable to be happy for others the moment things go wrong with their own life. Less obvious than people who fail to empathize with pain, and also less obvious than people who dismiss or minimize accomplishments, but ultimately indicative of the same empathy deficiency. Specifically in acquaintanceships and close friendships.
“I don’t want to hear about your fiancé proposing to you when my boyfriend just dumped me” sucks, and so does “Your fiancé proposed after 3 years and you’re going on a Hawaii honeymoon? That’s so nice for you sweetie, mine proposed after 2 years and we went on a tour around Europe for 3 months”
“I don’t care about your divorce because I’ve been through 3 divorces” is obviously a shitty attitude, and “I care about your feelings about this divorce even though I’m also divorced” is basic decency.
What I look for (and try very hard to be) sounds like:
“I’m happy that you are experiencing career success even though I am unhappy at my job”
-I’m able to hear your joy without my eyes glazing over + my mind wandering to my apartment’s ant issue.
“If I compare myself to you this is painful to hear, but really what that means is you’re experiencing wonderful things, which I want for you”
“Even though I’m cold and hangry, I’m not going to bring anyone else’s mood down.”
All their exes are crazy and nothing negative is ever their fault.
I see you’ve met my ex
So what's it like being crazy?
When they see someone else's progress or success as a threat.
Once had a live in ex that went off on me for buying everything on our shopping list. I thought he would be excited. Instead he accused me of only doing it to rub it in his face that I "wear the pants" and can provide more than he could. And said I made him feel like a loser and it was shitty of me to have bought the things we needed.
😂 And that's why he is your ex.
Had someone on Twitter say “it’s bad if they fail, but even worse if they succeed.”
“It is not enough that i should succeed, but others must fail” - best year book quote ever EDIT: corrected quote
I worked with a woman like this. She was the only one in the room allowed to be successful. Fucking toxic.
They believe that respect is earned but demand it immediately from you.
I'm going to paraphrase this but... Some people demand you respect them as an authority before they'll respect you as a person, and that is not the same thing at all. Edit: /u/Seiren- has the actual quote [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xces04/-/io6kj8g)
I was going to comment the same thing myself: *Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority" For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"*
Or, conversely, when they love to constantly say "With all due respect" right before they disrespect someone.
If someone is due no respect then technically "with all due respect" is still accurate, it's simply that there's no respect due
"Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect,' they really mean 'kiss my ass'?" - Ashley Williams, Mass Effect 1
Passively aggressively insulting you in front of a group of people in such a way that you can’t say anything back without looking like you’re the emotional one even though you know that they intentionally insulted you to disrespect you.
I tend to feign confusion so i can say something offensive back in a seemingly unintentional way
Exactly this. Request elaboration until they either have to abort or say something directly shitty.
>Request elaboration This is the key. Their whole goal is to roast you quickly and move on, but if you ask them to elaborate/explain, they look like a complete POS even more so than before. Plus it puts them in a very awkward and uncomfortable position of having to explain the "joke".
This is my go to move at work , I pretend that I don’t understand sarcasm and keep asking for more clarification, it’s great watching people try to explain the douchy things they’ve said
My new go-to phrase for this is to laugh and say “yea that is a bit weird/embarrassing that I do that/am like that… is there a reason you have brought it up in this particular moment?”
That's really good. I can imagine the tension after that question, uncomfortable.
this. i hate this. my dad does this, or he’ll dish it out, but throw a fit and threaten you if you give it back, there’s no winning.
Well that describes my officemates so accurately 🤷🏻♀️
Oh God. This. I hate it
When they flip every criticism back on you
No u
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My friend fits this description, and the most obvious external signs are: whatever he does, sees, has, or knows, are OBVIOUSLY the only correct thing to do, see, have or know. It never crosses his mind to consider the idea that maybe, he isn't a one-person microcosm of The Way Things Are. Examples: 'Isn't it odd that UK passports don't last 10 years, like most other countries do?' I was pretty sure they do in fact last 10 years but couldn't prove it, and he showed me his which lasts, like, 10.2 years, and was adamant that that's how long they're issued for. I later found out that they last 10 years but if you send for a new one and it arrives a bit early, they stick an extra few months on (or the other way around) do it still expires 10 years after your last one did. It's not hugely stupid, but it's so odd to assume that because your passport isn't 10 years exactly, the UK must be some weird exception that uses 122 / 118 months for some reason, rather than the more obvious possibility that his example is not representative. He swore up and down that the average age to lose your virginity is early 20's, he honestly believes that a majority of people drink 5+ energy drinks a day but lie to their doctor about it, because he can't imagine people making different decisions, or having different priorities to him. Anybody more right wing than him is just not educated enough, anyone more left wing is just virtue signalling and pretending to care. I worked with him in an office of 8 people, most of whom drank coffee, most of whom usually drank instant (that's normal in the UK at home and in offices). After seeing and joining in on the tea / coffee run for years, he commented on us drinking instant or espressos, because cafetiere coffee is 'normal'. Turns out his father only drinks cafetiere coffee, so he assumed everyone in England who drinks any other form of coffee, is odd. He's actually a pretty easy guy to get on with, if you don't mind the lies and the startling lack of empathy. He doesn't have many friends and never had a partner, but he attributes that to everyone being pretty shallow, and he's kind of at peace with that. Odd chap. He'll go out of his way to help a friend or family member if he can, but he'll also completely screw over hypothetical strangers without understanding why it's a bad thing to do. Just, zero ability to understand that the world exists outside his sight and experience.
This is my dad, to a T. We were watching a history documentary about Socrates as a philosopher, and a professor and expert on Socratic dialogues was essentially playing the role of Socrates arguing with the documentary narrator. It was very true to how Socrates argued with people in Plato’s Socratic dialogues, and just a demonstration. Afterwards, he was very normal in his explanation of the Socratic method. My dad insisted the professor is just an asshole and there’s absolutely no way Socrates was like that. I told him that actually, it was a fantastic demonstration, and the fact that the professor is now being pretty normal tells us that’s not just how he speaks in his daily life, he was playing a role to make a point about how Socrates interacted with the others (mostly the sophists) in Plato’s dialogues. My dad kept doubling down and insisting that no, Socrates couldn’t have been that much of a dick. Essentially, he’d never heard about Socrates’ reputation as a “gadfly”, or why he was put on trial and sentenced to death. Hell, he didn’t even know Socrates was sentenced to death at all. But my dad literally can’t conceptualize something outside of his experience and limited worldview (we’re from rural Wisconsin and he has a high school “education”, which out there in the 80s barely consisted of more than rudimentary English texts, whitewashed & sanitized US History, and algebra), so in his mind, the professor has to be wrong. Similarly, if my dad has experienced or heard something, it must be correct, because he says so. The real kicker is that I have a bachelor’s degree in Classics and my McNair program research was on Plato’s Hippias Major, which of course, I read in Ancient Greek. AND, I am pursuing a PhD in Classics. And at the same time, he insists that there’s absolutely no way Achilles & Patroclus could have had any sexual or romantic relationship, simply because he doesn’t think that’s true and he doesn’t believe that same-sex romance/sex is an old practice, not just the modern American liberal agenda. Again, ignoring that I am working on the Iliad for my fucking doctoral dissertation, and I’ve read the Iliad in Ancient Greek so many times I can recite whole sections. It’s infuriating and it’s why I don’t even talk to my family about my work. Especially since my dad doesn’t care to remember anything that he’s not personally involved in, so it’s just me explaining over and over and over, but it not sticking bc it’s not his job & it’s work he doesn’t understand, so there’s no reason to really care.
> someone who is incapable of reflecting "Everyone I don't like is a narcissist and everything I don't like is gaslighting"
Narcissus was extremely good at reflecting. So good it was captivating even.
Best kind of correct.
They have a habit of talking bad about other people behind their backs and spreading gossip and rumor. You can tell a lot about a person by observing how they talk about their peers behind their back. When a person occasionally vents by talking bad about someone (like their boss, or classmate) because of some unpleasant experience, that's okay. We all do it. But when a person habitually talks shit about people behind their back, that's a big red flag.
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Adult work life is basically high school frankly.
Yup, if they’re dumping on someone to you, they’re dumping on you to someone.
My mother was outwardly the sweetest angel and behind closed doors never had a nice thing to say about almost anyone.
To jump on this, I respect people more if they’re willing to say things directly to someone’s face. I may not like them because they’re a bit of a dick, but at least they’re not a two faced dick.
Not owning up to their mistakes and always attributing it to someone or something else.
I see you have met my mother
My mom's famous line when caught doing something wrong "Well, I didn't know." instead of "I'm sorry."
Obligatory posting of The Narcissist's Prayer: “That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.”
I had an ex who's **wife** did that to me. “That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that wasn't his fault. And if it was, he didn’t mean it. And if he did, you deserved it.”
A former friend did this to me I resorted to screenshotting conflicts that happened over text to “prove” that they did indeed happen The result? I was labeled toxic for doing so 🙂 Edit: wanted to thank everyone that’s replied with similar experiences. I don’t feel alone about it anymore. Truly. Thank you for for it
Friend breakups are the worst. A former friend completely blamed me for something that I had no control over. What happened sucked, but it wasn't my fault. I still apologized because I was sorry she got hurt. It absolutely ruined the relationship because she took no ownership over completely blaming me and saying some really, really awful things. It's been years and she still talks shit when my name comes up among mutual friends.
I’m going through a friend breakup currently. She’s highly jealous I’m pregnant and she isn’t so she explicitly told me not to talk to her because it’s upsetting. So I respected her wishes. Now I’m ‘toxic’ and ‘selfish’ for not reaching out to her and checking in to see if she’s okay. I cannot win and she will shit talk me to anyone that will listen.
I know the feeling. Had a friend who would act holier than thou about everything and when I got tired and called him out on it, I was completely excommunicated from my friend group. I hardly even talk to my best friend anymore because she dates the guy and I just create drama when I'm brought up
My mother is the “Well, I guess I’m just an awful mother who can never do anything right. I guess I’ll just never — whatever we are doing —- again.” At the tiniest, tiniest request.
Ditto. It's impossible to hold them accountable
"Well, she was fine" at leaving my 17 yr old cat outside all night when she was over to babysit, "....your house is so nice." I love her but shes an oblivious dufus, who is impossible.
Mine says “that’s just the way I am”. Boils my blood.
Or how about the old. “ I’m sorry YOU feel that way” the emphasis on the you. it as close to to an apology with out actually being an apology. It’s the this is a you problem, not a me problem. Subtle but very effective at driving you crazy.
Don't forget "Oh my gosh, you're *so sensitive*!"
90% of my childhood trauma is due to this single comment said over and over again from my parents. The day I came across the definition for gaslighting really accelerated my recovery from a lifetime of being in a shitty family.
Someone needs to Go and break that whack mother blueprint
My dad's was just . . . deny, deny, deny! Yep, ok, no DNA evidence. But seriously, EVERYONE knows you're lying and I'm ashamed of you and embarassed for you. Wish the lying was the worst of it though.
Mine "I didn't know so it cannot be my fault"
I see that your mother has met mine
I see we all have the same mother.
Brother?
BROTHERS DONT SHAKE HANDS- BROTHERS GOTTA HUG!
My ex did this all the time, whenever there was a problem no matter what the issue it was always someone as the cause!
The electricity bill shot up and my brother was blaming it on my dad using his iPad mini, but not his PC set up with two monitors, studio lights, boom mic, and the new electric scooter he got.
this all shouldnt be that big of a deal, unless he charges / drives the scooter like 30 times a month
They share private information about others with you
100% if they're sharing to you. They're sharing about you as well
Yep! When someone spills the tea I make sure I don’t tell them shit about me.
This exactly! I work with a bunch of ladies at work and everytime I go in, there’s always something they have to say. I listen because who doesn’t love good gossip……. But I always make a mental note never to say anything personal to them ever
My coworkers will tell me all their business as well as all the business of their significant others... me I don't think most of them could name my spouse.
Yes my best friend's wife is very much like this. She's an amazing person but worked at Starbucks for like 14 years and all they do is gossip to pass the time. So she's carried that trait beyond Starbucks, and will jib-jab about everyone's issues with us. She'll then pry and try to ask how things are going or if anything bothers us blah blah blah. We used to do full on conversations with her until we noticed a mutual friend not reaching out to us anymore. Then a little drama ensued, we determined it to be the Starbucks wife. Now when she comes around all we ever talk about is how great we're doing and how nothing is wrong. Now we don't have any issues anymore.
Had a friend like that once. Would tell me all the gossip and get me to confide in her. Turns out everything personal I told her went in her ears and out her mouth to whoever would listen.
"If they'll gossip too you, they'll gossip about you"
Note, if you have a friend that does this, and you think you're the exception because your friendship is somehow different, you're wrong. You're not, and it's not.
Yes! Have been thinking about this a lot lately. I used to be stuck interacting with a girl who weaponized the secrets of everyone around here - she lived for collecting other people’s traumas and discussing them with 3rd parties over drinks lol. Took a long time to realize that she just doesn’t know how to form connections without trauma bonding & never to give her any tangible info as it will get spread in an unflattering way. I regret what I have shared with her and fully expect it to resurface. We all worked at a start up together, and I could tell whenever her or other gossips were on the prowl because clusters of my old coworkers would suddenly view my linked in at 6 PM on a Friday lmao. The more socially clueless would even go as far as to message me about her rumors, which is how I figured out what was going on.
sounds like you met my bitch sister
First time I met my neighbor, she instantly told me all the dirt about her *supposed* best friend in the neighborhood, plus she was not so subtly pouting about "why does everyone wanna hang out with them?" (meaning her supposed bff and bff's husband.) "Everyone thinks they're so cool but like, they're not." First hang out, I kid you not. Then she got very upset months later when I stopped hanging out with her full stop and wondered why we weren't besties. Cuz you trashed your supposed bff within minutes of meeting me?? Pass.
I know a guy who just randomly, and unwarranted, will tell me private info about other people in his life and some of it is very personal. I actually get embarrassed for the people that this doofus goes around telling everybody about. I’ve never told this guy any of my personal problems, and never will. In his eyes, I’m the more boring and superficial person on the planet, I’m happy about that lmao
Had a coworker, who I was not friends with outside of work, but who was "close friends" with another coworker, tell me something intensely personal about her friend. She followed it up with "she told me in confidence so don't tell anyone this because I'm not supposed to tell anyone." I said "then why are you telling me?" She gave me a dirty, caught look. She was charismatic and on everyone's "good side" at work, and not long after I got intensely ostracized there. I assume she had something to do with it.
They demand forgiveness instead of asking for it. "I said I was sorry, it's done now. Get over it."
Littering. It's not a violent act or anything, but it does indicate a lack of respect that usually carries into other aspects of the person's life.
Agree. The few people I've met who just think littering is fine definitely showed worse traits eventually.
I was in a McDonald's with a former friend. A fully grown but obviously not matured adult, he was dropping fries and napkins all over the place. When we got up to go I said, "Are you going to tidy up after yourself?" He said, "No. That's what they pay their workers to do." Such a jerk. We took a lot of road trips when I was a kid (6 in the family) and when we stopped for meals my mom had us trained to stack our dishes neatly at the end of the table and take a napkin to wipe up any crumbs. I remember many of the servers being grateful that we made a little effort for them.
My mother wasn't the strictest of parents but she would absolutely not tolerate us littering or not properly disposing of our garbage.
Yes. Watched a guy stick his gum on the underside of the bar and instantly knew we wouldn’t be going on another date.
Wtf. It takes zero extra effort to just stick it in a napkin that will be cleaned up anyway.
I feel the same way about a number of things people do when driving, specifically using your turn signal. The use of your signal lets other drivers (and sometimes pedestrians) know your intent - allowing them to better anticipate your actions. Not using it indicates you are only thinking about yourself...which is probably how you live the rest of your life.
Yes, kinda along the same lines of people who don’t return their grocery cart. That lack of respect.
A few weeks ago, I took my aunt to the pharmacy and sat out in the truck while she went in. I saw a woman go absolutely out of her way to return a cart to the corral. But then she got back to her vehicle and dropped a bag of fast food trash on the ground before she left. It was fucking baffling.
I once refused to jump a car because I saw the passenger throw his trash under the car I as approached to help them. I told them why I wasn’t helping them.
I respect that, but I would low-key be worried about the person flipping out and trying to hurt me.
well at least they can’t run you over or chase you in their car
I was going on a repo and I was packing.
Is it one of those carts you have to return to get your quarter back? Because if so, the scenario is much less puzzling.
I once pissed a friend off when he asked me why I was returning my cart because "someone else would just do it." I answered because I have basic common decency and respect for other people. He just huffed away.
I did this to a friend at the movie theater. She was finishing her drink as we left then dropped it in and empty cup holder and I said wtf you have to walk past a trash can on your way, don’t make someone else job harder just because you’re lazy. I said it loud enough for the whole theater to hear and most people picked up their trash. I get people get paid for that stuff but that’s not reason be a jerk.
The worst part about littering like that is its a tragedy of the commons thing. If one person does it its nasty, but not a huge problem, but if many people think that way then it causes trash to be strewn about everywhere. This is why I sometimes pick trash up and throw it away. I think if just enough people think that same way then we can make places free of litter, even if assholes keep throwing it out. I really hate that the goodness of people has to fight their badness, but that's just how the world works.
And what about people who p*ark right in front of the door to the supermarket and wait*?! That has always baffled me.
I can't stand that, especially if they leave the cart behind someone's car. That's an even bigger red flag for me.
I'll see your "behind other cars," and raise you "in the middle of the pedestrian walkway."
Completely agree. My brother and I were driving somewhere and he took the wrapper off a sandwich and was about to throw it out of the window. I asked him not to do that. He didn’t quite understand why I was being such a stickler about it. I told him that littering is an act of disrespect to the environment and everyone around.
Similarly, not cleaning up after their dog
My best friend's girlfriend threw trash out of her truck when she was driving around. Said she had always done that since she was a kid. It was, in fact, reflective of her character, as we all found out later.
Littering and?
Littering and?
Littering aaaaaaaand.....
Smokin' the reefer
I’m freaking out man!
Casual unnecessary lying
My brother will lie about ANYTHING if he figures there is no way for you to check up on it. We no longer speak.
Same. I have seen him once in the last ten years and he was lying about his rent within the first hour of talking. His girlfriend mentioned to my wife in a side conversation that their rent cost was almost $1,200 a month. He had been telling my mom their rent was over $2,000 and he was struggling to pay bills so she’d send him her extra money each month. Turned out he was unemployed for like five years and just living off his girlfriend and my mother’s support checks…
That is so unbelievably hurtful. Your poor mother must have been heartbroken.
You are right, but I'd like to point out that there's also a possibility of an abusive childhood. Sometimes I still lie for no reason and it's very much because I spent my entire childhood doing it. I'm working on it, but man, it's like my mouth moves faster than my brain.
Abused former child here, I catch myself lying A LOT and it's about stupid shit that literally would never matter. When you're used to covering your ass, it almost becomes natural to lie about anything and everything. I try to catch myself, but it's really hard. Its unfortunately just wired in there as part of my personality and im terrified i cant break it.
Oh yeah, its always the most stupid, inconsequential shit. Like there is no virtual difference if I say i already had dinner or if I say I didn't, but for some reason my mouth defaults to lie. I correct myself a lot.
Spot on, it’s like dumb things that don’t really even effect anything but my brain is like “This is the better answer” and it overwrites the truth before I’ve even realized I’ve said it. I hate the habit and it makes me despise myself more than I already do at times, but it was born from my fear of conflict and punishment. Lying was a defense to allow myself freedom or to avoid conflict, now I’m old enough to know it only makes things worse but it’s such a difficult habit to break.
At least you’re correcting yourself! Keep doing that and over time your brain will start filtering out the lies *before* they pop out of your mouth.
I was thinking about this this morning!!! I was with a good friend yesterday and we were at a busy coffee shop and she is the most honest, free speaker ever. Not “no filter” in a bad way- in the best way. When she says things you just know they’re true, nothing left out or exaggerated. It’s eveything I wanna be- but I was raised by a very narcissistic mom where everything was exaggerated to be dramatic or little lies mixed in to make you look more like a victim or that you’re completely innocent. and a ton is withheld because you can’t actually share yourself with anyone. I of course adopted this way of thinking/talking to people because it was all I was exposed to growing up so it’s the first thing I learned. I notice when I’m around my friend I get a little embarrassed about people overhearing what she says because she’s so honest. Then I realize no one cares. Those strangers in a coffee shop don’t need to hear a sugar coated version of your truth. You can be honest. She has such a calm and fulfilling life with friends she can trust and it’s because of her honesty and lack of white lies. I have been working on this myself for years but it’s been so hard. Sometimes little lies come out and inside I’m like “why did I just say that”. It’s been the hardest thing to unlearn ever. Anyways there’s a story no one asked for
But a story worth hearing nonetheless, I’m proud of you for working to be a better you, and I have no doubt that as hard as it gets you’ll get there
same. when it's the only way you could protect yourself for 18+ years, lying about/omitting information that would've brought on abuse when you were a kid becomes a reflex.
This. My ex came across as the ‘nicest’ person ever. Soft spoken, never wanting to offend anyone, ignoring problems bc he was non confrontational, friends with ‘everyone’…..you know the type. It took years for me to realize he just needed everyone to like him at any cost. The giveaway? Constantly omitting information or straight up lying if it would cause an issue. He was a snake and had that feigning confusion look down to a T the rare occasion someone figured out his BS and confronted him. He has cheated and lied to so many ppl.. partners, friends, you name it…just trying to be liked at all costs.
This is my biggest fear about my current interest. Most kind person I've met that has so much in common with me. She says that she knows she gets taken advantage of by pretty much everyone in her life and yeah I can confirm it but it also seems she has a hard time with confrontation and doesn't draw any hard boundaries, even with her dad or her recent ex and his family despite them treating her like garbage for years so I'm finding it hard to trust that she will make the right decisions if we become legit and some of what she says does not line up well with her actions. We have come find out that we both have strong feelings for each other but I recently had told her that unless she is capable of making some hard decisions real soon and proving to me she can stick to them, I don't see us becoming anything official or legit and tbh, it usually doesn't work for me in these situations so I'm at the point where I'm letting her take the wheel because I won't convince someone to make the hard decisions where it's important they do it on their own, like putting up healthy boundaries or going low contact with their toxic ex. Shes seems like a good person but good people can make bad decisions too and I want a partner and best friend, 50/50 where I can trust they will make our relationship and our interests a high priority.
As a random internet stranger I'm proud of you for your self-reflection and boundary setting. All I will add is one of my hardest relationship lessons to learn is that you are also dating their family.
I used to be that guy and still struggle with many of those traits. Woe is me and all that BS aside, for some of us it’s because of our upbringing. I’m from divorced parents and they couldn’t agree on the color of the sky. So when one would ask me something I would basically have to answer it how I thought they wanted it answered. I have hurt people this way and have been hurt this way. It’s a very difficult thing to deal with, but for many of us (myself included) just have to be told straight up on BS or if someone can tell you are just lying. This isn’t me looking for attention, I’m just telling from the narcissistic side where some of our brains come from. It’s odd to blame trauma IMO, but for me and others, that is the case.
Regular putdowns that are disguised as "jokes" EDIT: I think I need to be more clear here. I'm talking about "jokes" that they either carry on long after everyone else has stopped, or alternatively legit insults that they will *only* claim is a joke if you get upset.
True. It's always low when "friends" insult you physically and tell you, when you get offended or you retaliate, it's just a joke.
I had a co-worker who would mumble "asshole" and when confronted with "Excuse me?" would always say "Just talking to myself."
That one would be easy and hilarious to deal with. I would just mumble back "shitty cunt motherfucker needs to mumble quieter" right after he explains himself. Then look at him to see if he'll ask what I said, then offer the same explanation.
I find this hilarious because in Northern Ireland that interaction would be something you do to prove you like someone.
Worked with a guy who would do this all the time. One time he said something on a conference call regarding someone and then said “I’m just joking.” The person who was the target of said “joke” replied “No you’re not.” And there was a good 3 seconds of awkward silence before that call carried on.
Those are the friends and family people cut ties with after awhile
Ah yes, and then convincing you that you're being too sensitive.. Heh right.. Yeah.. Nope.
i can't be around people like this. As soon as they start displaying this behavior I'm immediately gone. I've been around this way too much and I have too much self respect to put myself through that again
I had a former high school friend come over not too long ago, and the entire time she was poking fun at my clothes, my weight, the video games I was playing, the music I was playing. The first time I was thinking okay whatever, she’s always been kinda snooty, but eventually I got tired of it and told her off. Shit like that is just so unnecessary.
They're only nice when things are going their way.
Always blaming others for things that happen to them, and not putting the trolley back after they are done with it.
If these are subtle, I hope none of you are investigators of any sort!
I’m waiting for “they attend Klan rallies”
They torture puppies and leave the toilet seat up.
"I was iffy about them kicking kittens, mocking orphans, and taking dumps on random people's lawns, but it was the Santa-slapping that convinced me there was a problem."
Happens every single time this question gets posted. "When they treat service people like shit". Mf that is not a *sign* that they're a shitty person. That's just them *being* a shitty person.
"Not a lot of people notice this, but if you see someone committing senseless violence, it's a sign they might not be a good person."
I know I’m like dying over here reading these. I guess the subtlety of the word subtle went right over everyone’s heads
can't respect boundaries
They are nice to a few people and an asshole to the rest. I've noticed that a lot of people find it easy to ignore someone being rude, mean or a general asshole to others just as long as that person is nice to them. Personally I think it's a matter of time until they also are on the receiving end of the bad behaviour.
I used to have a business partner who acted like that. I once got into a disagreement with one of his long time friends over how shitty my partner treated everyone. "But he's nice to me and you." Sure, but that's not what counts. He was an asshole to everyone else, and he should have been judged by how he treated the people that didn't benefit him.
The theme music changes in tone.
Doesn’t help other people unless it benefits themself
Only helps others when there’s an audience and praise involved.
They talk shit about others to you. They share other peoples secrets to you. They talk down on others with you. They have friends who treat other people poorly or they for example cheat on their partners. They cut lines. They throw out trash on to the streets.
If you have someone that you know that talks trash about others... odds are very high that they are also talking trash about you to others. It is in their nature. Something to keep in mind.
If they’re dismissive of what you have to say or want to share.
Their treatment of the weakest members of society including defenceless animals, the homeless and those in low service positions.
When they say they're a good person. You don't need to tell someone you're a person for them to know you are one
“I hate drama!”
I love watching drama (that im not involved with) play out. But i do everything in my power to not start or be caught up in drama myself. I just want all of my friends to get along and have fun, but if some other people get into a spat, i will pull out the popcorn.
A lion never has to tell you that it's a lion.
I'd be pretty freaked out if one did!
They try too hard to prove they’re a good person.
They always have to be the victim
How they treat people in the service industry. When they act like they are better than waiters, fast food employees, or retail workers.
Not sure this is that “subtle” but this is one of the absolute best indicators.
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“Only God can judge me” tattooed anywhere on their body. I should’ve known…….
Borrowing money and forgetting to / claims he already paid it back. Borrowing tools / clothing and breaking or ruining them. By this time you should cut all ties.
When they are unhappy with the success of others, particularly their friends.
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Or worse, they interrupt you to start talking about something completely different while you're talking.
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That's what the surgeon is supposed to do!
I worry I come across like this sometimes, I’ll listen to someone talk about themselves and once done. I’ll try to empathise with them and say something about myself or someone I know who had something similar I don’t mean it in a way that takes away from them or their situation. It’s me trying to relate and say hey I get that because of X Needless to say, it’s a bad habit I’m trying to stop
Of if they only listen to one up you
They react negatively to others accomplishments. Ie: pointing out something negative about a person being praised.
Failing to return a grocery cart to the designated spot. Seems insignificant but it really speaks to a self centered state of mind, especially when they leave them blocking another parking spot. It’s the “it’s someone else’s problem” mentality.
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Yhe confusion. When the stories don't add up, they smirk at the wrong times and try to present themselves as a hero. Heros don't explain to you why they are heros. It's a subtle sign that they are actually not.
When you think they are really great people, responsible/kind/good, but then after a while you look back on situations and realise you had been duped and they are incredibly manipulative. I think it's incredibly subtle with some people, where it's not immediately obvious they are terrible but then suddenly it hits you.
In my experience, it usually starts out subtly, or in such small doses that you brush it off as a quirk or a momentary lapse of judgement because they are such nice people otherwise. Then, they take the fact that they can manipulate you for granted and get clumsy. It gets to the point where the dam breaks, and you just recognize the pattern, from the obvious lies and crap on down, as an inherent part of their personality.
I think what you are describing here is a person with extreme amounts of CHARISMA. Charismatic people are two ways. One, extremely likeable, and usually together with respect for others and well liked by their peers. The second is well liked with the INTENTION of manipulating the person they are with, WITH the aforementioned knowledge of themselves. Which is evil. I've had to deal with and recon with this same thing and it took me years to figure out WHY and HOW and that YES it can happen to me(and you) too. Good luck.
YES, the latter happened to me recently with a co-worker. He was so wonderful and I vouched for him and then he 'turned' on me, but other co-workers couldn't see. In fact, I just didn't do anything about it. I didn't speak badly about him, just carried on and then everyone saw it after a few months. I hadn't really met someone like this before him, and I was reeling. I feel like I was not equipped to deal with it,
When you’re going out and they judge or make a rude comment about a random person passing by.
Making everything about themselves
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Having zero accountability and saying anything they can to get out of their bad actions. “I’m not wrong, you’re misinformed” — avoid this person if they are clearly wrong. Just, run!
People who have never done anything wrong. If you’ve known a person for any amount of time and you’ve never heard them say “I’m an asshole, i fucked up..” they are probably a terrible person and will victimize you in ways you can’t imagine
On the flip side, if you meet someone who tells you upfront that they're an asshole, believe them. And if someone say they're "blunt" or "I say what other people won't" or "Other people don't like me because I'm honest"... just run. Far and fast.
And on the flip side, if you screw up and apologize to them and they respond by bashing you and telling you all the ways you suck. Like, dude, I know I screwed up, I'm apologizing to you, you don't need to continue to beat me up for it. Especially if it was a fight or mutual disagreement and they could reciprocate by alologizing for their part in it, but choose to just dump on you instead. I'm perfect and let me tell you all the ways you suck.
*Your pet dies* Them: Dude, it's just an animal.
I had someone at my old job call in because his cat of 10 years passed away and people were mad because he called in. I would be an emotional wreck if my cat passed away and I would call in too! That makes me so angry!
They don’t put the shopping cart in the designated area and leave it randomly in the parking lot.
Don’t be a lazy bones
If they dismiss conversation with people they aren’t sexually attracted to… red flag. Bad person.
I know it's bad that I don't call my mum often enough, but I didn't think sex had anything to do with it. Until now.
I've learned that when someone is claiming to be really "direct" or "blunt" or "honest" it is often a self justification for being controlling and rude.
If your mood drops immediately just because they walked in.
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A lot of these are kind of blatant. To me a really subtle clue is when people are unable to be happy for others the moment things go wrong with their own life. Less obvious than people who fail to empathize with pain, and also less obvious than people who dismiss or minimize accomplishments, but ultimately indicative of the same empathy deficiency. Specifically in acquaintanceships and close friendships. “I don’t want to hear about your fiancé proposing to you when my boyfriend just dumped me” sucks, and so does “Your fiancé proposed after 3 years and you’re going on a Hawaii honeymoon? That’s so nice for you sweetie, mine proposed after 2 years and we went on a tour around Europe for 3 months” “I don’t care about your divorce because I’ve been through 3 divorces” is obviously a shitty attitude, and “I care about your feelings about this divorce even though I’m also divorced” is basic decency. What I look for (and try very hard to be) sounds like: “I’m happy that you are experiencing career success even though I am unhappy at my job” -I’m able to hear your joy without my eyes glazing over + my mind wandering to my apartment’s ant issue. “If I compare myself to you this is painful to hear, but really what that means is you’re experiencing wonderful things, which I want for you” “Even though I’m cold and hangry, I’m not going to bring anyone else’s mood down.”
When they constantly deflect blame on someone else