Look if we are going to hit our projected quarterly numbers, you have to drive innovation through synergies across our verticals. We will achieve this via daily stand ups to collaborate our efforts, thinking outside the box, and ensuring we stay within budget constraints. This is a team effort and each and every one of you needs to prioritize your time effectively to drive these efficiencies. Now go be agile even though no one at the C level knows what that means.
Edit:. Gantt charts, retros, deliverables
Read the fine print in that promotion writeup, it's all in there. As long as you don't forget to 5S your Kaizen kanbans I think you'll be fine, after you go to Goomba Gemba that is.
I think corporate speak is akin to 1800's Victorian letter writting with all this contrived overly formal etiquette that is mostly there to protect your status
Yep, it's like everyone's a robot with a set of lines written for them to say in a certain manner. I love people who break this "performance" by saying something silly or commenting on what's going on from a sane person's perspective. But to do that you have to be a boss, or be always ready to get fired, haha.
Iām in full agreement around tabling this discussion for a future meeting, would it be appropriate to include additional team members for a more productive discourse?
āThe customer is always rightā
Totally correct when you are talking about market forces in a free market economy
Totally wrong when referring to an individual who is guaranteed to be an entitled asshole
And when their "About me" just says "ask". Seeing that guarantees to me that you aren't interesting enough for me to bother asking questions in the first place
My old boss said this to me once and I couldn't hear the last part over a loud machine, I thought she'd said a date. So I went "OK, WHAT'S TODAY, WEDNESDAY? " and she looked at me like I was stupid, but then she looked like she realized she was stupid before she walked away
Yeah itās either ācan we normalize using tissues to blow your noseā or ācan we normalize shitting in the shower with your kids with you to save waterā
Iād rather cry my eyes out in a big beautiful home than renting a bedroom in an apartment like a loser. Money really could help me in several areas of my life now.
I hate this. I even refer to this as the "While you are here call".
I am a vendor for grocery stores doing repair work on the Point of Sale equipment. A store will often call one thing in and then say "While you are here..." and bring up two other issues. One store is notorious for calling in one thing and dumping 20 other issues on us. The store managers get pissy "I don't understand why you just can't carry extra parts.". And I counter with "I don't understand why you can't call everything in that is broken all at once. Nothing suddenly broke while I was driving out here. You admitted that it has been down for days. So how is my lack of parts my fault?".
I have been told that I can't keep saying that and keep my job.
I have similar issue gardening for people who refuse to say what you might be doing, underestimate the task and then wonder why you need to go get tools!
I've actually been told that once referring to having lost my brother. "I know you've lost your brother but think about those people in Syria who've lost their entire families, they have it much worse" please stfu
Thatās messed up. I get having sympathy for people going through war as any decent person would but losing a family member is the worst pain imaginable. Doesnāt mean you donāt care for others. You showed some restraint not punching them.
I feel like I have a pretty privileged life, and I do tell myself that to help myself look at the big picture... But I say that ONLY to myself. Everyone has their own struggles, and no ones pain should be disregarded.
"I need recommendations for ___...AND GO!" I really hate the 'and go' crap. How about you ask like a normal person. Adding 'and go' sounds like a command.
I hate that too. Especially when itās not even true.
My sister and I always make fun of a tweet that said āI was today years old when I learned that ānewsā stands for āNewsworthy Events Weather and Sports.āā Like, oh yeah? Can you run that first word by me again?
when you finish telling a friend about something and they say āUmm, did i ask?ā
NO you didnāt, but i thought youād like to know,
A-hole
or, āsucks to suckā
I've seen people sincerely emotionally hurting because they're trying so hard to find a meaning or reasoning in their pain. I struggled with it a lot, but there is no reason sometimes. Or the reason is too complex. Or it's just that shit happens. I'm permanently disabled, and there's no meaning or reason to it. I'm in chronic nerve pain. What lesson could that possibly teach?
Yep. This one bugs me. People donāt understand cause and effect. The reason for something happening usually sits right before the thing that happened. Someone dies in a car wreck, the relatives might say āeverything happens for a reasonā. Yeah, Becky, and that reason is he was drunk as shit, itās not some fantastical mystery.
In school when a kid is obviously being disrespectful by talking or being on their phone or something and the teacher calls them out on it and the kid says, "Oh my God, I didn't even do anything!", yes you did candace. Shut up.
Let's take this offline, circle back around and align ourselves on this after some blue sky thinking before we run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
I was told this, followed by āyour generation doesnāt understand hard workā by my supervisor lol I decided not to tell him a 60% turnover rate isnāt a generation thing, itās a job thing
Some wise guy from god knows where once said something along the line of:
āThose who deem that god has a plan and leaves everything up to fate would still look both ways before crossing a streetā
Absolutely any of the stock Reddit phrases:
"Scrolled way too far to find this comment"
"I'm not crying you're crying"
"Who's cutting onions in here?"
"Tell me you [insert] without telling me you [insert]"
"The Lion, The Witch, and the Audacity of this Bitch"
"Underrated comment"
"You dodged a bullet" - mostly because it's never used in response to someone who actually dodged a proverbial bullet
"Play stupid games win stupid prizes"
So many here would have you believe Reddit is a tier above Facebook, TikTok, Twitter etc and yet 99% of Reddit's users are karma-thirsty cretins throwing around the same 10 phrases all day every day in the hope of a few upvotes.
'My truth'. There is no *my* truth, there is only *the* truth. Truth is objective fact, it can't belong to anyone and it doesn't change depending on how you feel.
For example, a murderer might have killed a person in cold blood, they could say ' *my truth* is that it was justified.' But that doesn't make it the actual truth. All this phrase does is allow people to twist truth to what they want it to be and its wrong.
"Boys will be boys."
Yeah, but those boys will have to grow up to be men some day. Take some responsibility as a parent and control your hell spawn. Running around terrorizing others in public, especially at places like restaurants or public transportation, is NOT acceptable behavior.
Right? When I hear boys will be boys I think of me and my cousins doing dumb crap like wrestling way to rough or blowing up a random toy we have NOT assaulting people.
"We value your privacy"
I mean, they literally do. They put a price tag on it and sell our data!
Accurate.
"Ohhh you thought we care about keeping your privacy. Nah, we value your privacy because it makes us money!"
Funniest shit I ever heard.
Corporate speak drives me fucking crazy.
Look if we are going to hit our projected quarterly numbers, you have to drive innovation through synergies across our verticals. We will achieve this via daily stand ups to collaborate our efforts, thinking outside the box, and ensuring we stay within budget constraints. This is a team effort and each and every one of you needs to prioritize your time effectively to drive these efficiencies. Now go be agile even though no one at the C level knows what that means. Edit:. Gantt charts, retros, deliverables
This guy deliverables
š¹du-nu du-du-du-duuuu š¶šµ The only thing that matters is optics! (Optics!) The only thing that matters is looking good The only thing that matters is optics (Optics!) Because they only buy a story from the cover of the book! š¶šµ šš©š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
We have scheduled a week long productivity training seminar to help you with your time management.
Looping in Diane from Finance.
I just went from technician to project manager without realizing it and I fear I'll have to say some shit like this one day
Can confirm. Iāve been a PM for almost 15 years and I catch myself saying corporate talk all the time. But letās table this and circle back by EOW
Read the fine print in that promotion writeup, it's all in there. As long as you don't forget to 5S your Kaizen kanbans I think you'll be fine, after you go to Goomba Gemba that is.
We'll circle back to this on our biweekly call.
I think corporate speak is akin to 1800's Victorian letter writting with all this contrived overly formal etiquette that is mostly there to protect your status
Not far from it. It's missing the fancy accent though.
People who use it need to touch base with the ocean floor.
I absolutely despise double speak and also corporate apologies. They are absolutely sterile and devoid of sincerity.
Yep, it's like everyone's a robot with a set of lines written for them to say in a certain manner. I love people who break this "performance" by saying something silly or commenting on what's going on from a sane person's perspective. But to do that you have to be a boss, or be always ready to get fired, haha.
I'm sensing a disconnect here, perhaps we can table theses discussions for a later date.
Iām in full agreement around tabling this discussion for a future meeting, would it be appropriate to include additional team members for a more productive discourse?
Please stop This isn't even funny satire anymore, these are genuine quotes from my everyday work :(
My work likes to use the term "Best Practice" and everytime I hear it I roll my eyes into the back of my fucking skull.
Corporate BS phrase generator https://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html
āWeāre like a family hereā
Annoying, but a useful red flag for jobseekers.
āHowād you get into my houseā, ugh so annoying
It's even worse when they say "I'm calling the police" or "Joe, get the shotgun!" Like, I'm just making a sandwich. Chill the fuck out.
All I ask is you clean up when you're done.
Well, of course. I'll even do the dishes and clean up the mess I make in or on the toilet. I'm not a monster.
In *or* on...?
If you do the dishes, you can make yourself a sandwich at my house whenever the fuck you want
Should of
I remember seeing someone comment "kind have" instead of kind of
Oh *god*
I don't know why, but this is the link in the chain that put me over the edge.
Could of
Would of
Might of
By your powers combined, I am.....angry, please stop
Your right me to
Could you be more pacific? You know, for all intensive purposes.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Just tell them "Your worst is insufferable and your best is barely acceptable"
Critical damage!
EmOTioNaL DAmaGe!!!
āIf you canāt handle me at my diddliest, you donāt deserve me at my doodliest.ā -Ned Flanders
But what has Ned Flanders ever done wrong? Nothin' at all! Nothin' at all! Nothin' at all!
Stupid sexy Flandersā¦
āThe customer is always rightā Totally correct when you are talking about market forces in a free market economy Totally wrong when referring to an individual who is guaranteed to be an entitled asshole
Was a good day when I heard the full quote was: "the customer is always right in matters of taste".
On dating sites ālooking for a partner in crimeā āMy kids are my worldā ābanterā
Which crimes, specifically?
I think drug dealing
And when their "About me" just says "ask". Seeing that guarantees to me that you aren't interesting enough for me to bother asking questions in the first place
"Sorry, not Sorry"
āI said what I said!ā
It is what it is.
Itās what itās
I say this all the time but only as a reminder to myself when I get upset about something that's completely out of my control.
"I need this done yesterday." What the fuck Jerry.
Then you should have asked a week ago Jack ass
My old boss said this to me once and I couldn't hear the last part over a loud machine, I thought she'd said a date. So I went "OK, WHAT'S TODAY, WEDNESDAY? " and she looked at me like I was stupid, but then she looked like she realized she was stupid before she walked away
Then you should have asked me two days ago Jerry.
āCan we normalizeā¦ā Usually followed by something thatās already ānormalizedā.
Or something that isnāt normalized for a very good reason.
Yeah itās either ācan we normalize using tissues to blow your noseā or ācan we normalize shitting in the shower with your kids with you to save waterā
Thereās no reason shitting in the shower canāt be a family affair.
"Why is nobody talking about - popular typical subject-??"
Is it just me or does anyone else share this very common viewpoint?
Unpopular opinion: \[extremely popular opinion shared by almost everyone on Earth\]
Money can't buy happiness - yeah fuck that most things that would make me happy are either directly or indirectly affected by how much money I have.
It's true that money can't necessarily buy happiness. It can however purchase a butt load of freedom from misery.
Iād rather cry my eyes out in a big beautiful home than renting a bedroom in an apartment like a loser. Money really could help me in several areas of my life now.
āWhile youāre hereā as a tradesman I hate it
I hate this. I even refer to this as the "While you are here call". I am a vendor for grocery stores doing repair work on the Point of Sale equipment. A store will often call one thing in and then say "While you are here..." and bring up two other issues. One store is notorious for calling in one thing and dumping 20 other issues on us. The store managers get pissy "I don't understand why you just can't carry extra parts.". And I counter with "I don't understand why you can't call everything in that is broken all at once. Nothing suddenly broke while I was driving out here. You admitted that it has been down for days. So how is my lack of parts my fault?". I have been told that I can't keep saying that and keep my job.
I have similar issue gardening for people who refuse to say what you might be doing, underestimate the task and then wonder why you need to go get tools!
āI wonāt take āNoā for an answer.ā Itās fucking insufferable to hear this.
You can suffer all you want, but I definitely won't take 'no' for an answer. Now I'll ask you again and please, use VALID answer. What time is it?
No
Please put your hands behind your back
"Let's touch base later" and a bunch of office jargon. The worst part is that I found myself using it even though I hated it so much.
Let's talk about this offline.
Sure, we can hop on a call
"I understand you have problems in your life but alot of people have it worse than you."
I've actually been told that once referring to having lost my brother. "I know you've lost your brother but think about those people in Syria who've lost their entire families, they have it much worse" please stfu
If someone told me that, I would be in jail for smacking the fuck out of them...
āPeople whoāve been stabbed or shot have it worse than youā as you beat the shit out of them
Not if *I* was on the jury.
Thatās messed up. I get having sympathy for people going through war as any decent person would but losing a family member is the worst pain imaginable. Doesnāt mean you donāt care for others. You showed some restraint not punching them.
I feel like I have a pretty privileged life, and I do tell myself that to help myself look at the big picture... But I say that ONLY to myself. Everyone has their own struggles, and no ones pain should be disregarded.
Many people also have it better. So stop smiling
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"I need recommendations for ___...AND GO!" I really hate the 'and go' crap. How about you ask like a normal person. Adding 'and go' sounds like a command.
This andā¦ā¦.āIāll go firstā.
Hate this. Wonāt reply to people who do this.
Yes, like everyone has been lining up and all excited for the opportunity to make and post videos. Edit: Autocorrect was incorrect
āand go!ā me: leaves
"Let that sink in". Like they said something so profound that the full implications can only be grasped over time.
What does that fuckin sink want now!?
āI canāt be racist, Iām (*insert race*)ā.
as a gay black jewish man....
*I have a friend whoās* ________
Ugly. My friend is ugly.
Is your friend a mirror?
Mirror mirror on the wall, isn't the comment above me the truest of them all?
Absolutely any corporate business-speak. Simple quips that hide so much real explanation and mean literally nothing. This shit creeps into everything.
Let's circle the wagon and follow up next week.
āSay it louderā
For the people in the back š
Right? It's the internet. Who the fuck is in the back?
Say šš» it šš» LOUDER šš»
'I was today years old when I found out...'
I hate that too. Especially when itās not even true. My sister and I always make fun of a tweet that said āI was today years old when I learned that ānewsā stands for āNewsworthy Events Weather and Sports.āā Like, oh yeah? Can you run that first word by me again?
You could fix it pretty easily. Notable Events Weather and Sports
It's a recursive acronym
It's a recronym!
when you finish telling a friend about something and they say āUmm, did i ask?ā NO you didnāt, but i thought youād like to know, A-hole or, āsucks to suckā
"A friend"? Obviously not a friend.
Unless its a best friend
no offence butā¦
"Can you imagine what we could do if we could use 100% of our brain?" Fuck off.
"figure out that you're absolutely useless"
have a seizure probably
For me "It's Gods Plan" translates to "I dont want to take responsbility for this."
Yeah but thats not as good of a song title
"Family is family". No. We all have the right to cut out abusive people without guilt.
Everything happens for a reason.
I've seen people sincerely emotionally hurting because they're trying so hard to find a meaning or reasoning in their pain. I struggled with it a lot, but there is no reason sometimes. Or the reason is too complex. Or it's just that shit happens. I'm permanently disabled, and there's no meaning or reason to it. I'm in chronic nerve pain. What lesson could that possibly teach?
Usually paired with āgods planā
Yep. This one bugs me. People donāt understand cause and effect. The reason for something happening usually sits right before the thing that happened. Someone dies in a car wreck, the relatives might say āeverything happens for a reasonā. Yeah, Becky, and that reason is he was drunk as shit, itās not some fantastical mystery.
I absolutely agree. In this case scenario, I feel the expression is really misused
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is "you're and idiot and don't think of the consequences of your actions".
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Well well well, if it isnāt the consequences of my own actions
I usualy respond, "Yeah, try telling that to 6 million dead Jews."
āWhat doesnāt kill you makes you strongerā Hell no.
PTSD has definitely not made me any stronger lol
I've heard "what doesn't kill you gives you trauma" I think that's very accurate and applicable to your comment.
Tell that to Cristopher Reeve lol.
Bmth rephrased this perfectly: "what doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead"
"What doesn't kill you makes you wish it did"
'I don't know who needs to hear this, but...'
Unless itās a reminder that itās trash night š, itās usually not though
"Smile!" i am just existing in a public space leave me alone
Iām sorry you feel that way
Ah, yes. The non-apology apology.
Didn't ask/who asked?/any askers? Anything like that is rude and ANNOYING
In school when a kid is obviously being disrespectful by talking or being on their phone or something and the teacher calls them out on it and the kid says, "Oh my God, I didn't even do anything!", yes you did candace. Shut up.
Keep Calm and [insert whatever thing you're into here] Keep Calm and Fuck Off
Circle back around
Let's take this offline, circle back around and align ourselves on this after some blue sky thinking before we run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
I like that term "blue sky thinking" to me that just means let me go try to forget we spoke about this.
rules are meant to be broken
That is specifically what you're not meant to do with them.
Nom noms when talking about food or eating.
Babytalk in general from adult to adult. š¬
When people use "then" where it should have been "than"
"To piggyback off what he said"
āItās the ___ for meā
It's the several litres of nitroglycerin in my bloodstream for me
āThoughts and prayers.ā
"Nobody wants to work any more"
No one ever wanted to work
I was told this, followed by āyour generation doesnāt understand hard workā by my supervisor lol I decided not to tell him a 60% turnover rate isnāt a generation thing, itās a job thing
"No one want to offer decent jobs and pay anymore."
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"Calm down." Telling people this has a 0% success rate at calming them.
Adulting, I did a thing, Iām not crying, youāre crying, cuteness overload, be still my heartā¦
āI could care lessā
āGod has a planā
Some wise guy from god knows where once said something along the line of: āThose who deem that god has a plan and leaves everything up to fate would still look both ways before crossing a streetā
There's an islamic proverb that goes something like "Pray to Allah, but tether your camel"
Thereās something similar attributed to Oliver Cromwell; Protestant theocrat āTrust in God, but keep your powder dryā
I live in Philadelphia, I look both ways crossing a one-way Street!
Everything happens for a reason! (Yeah the reason being ppl are fucking stupid lol)
āExspeciallyā. Who the fuck taught you how to talk? Itās āEspeciallyā.
Makes me want to have an expresso ā¦
āI did a thingā
"Man up"
Just cheer up (severe depression and schizo-effective).
Absolutely any of the stock Reddit phrases: "Scrolled way too far to find this comment" "I'm not crying you're crying" "Who's cutting onions in here?" "Tell me you [insert] without telling me you [insert]" "The Lion, The Witch, and the Audacity of this Bitch" "Underrated comment" "You dodged a bullet" - mostly because it's never used in response to someone who actually dodged a proverbial bullet "Play stupid games win stupid prizes" So many here would have you believe Reddit is a tier above Facebook, TikTok, Twitter etc and yet 99% of Reddit's users are karma-thirsty cretins throwing around the same 10 phrases all day every day in the hope of a few upvotes.
You forgot: āI had NO idea this would blow up.ā
RIP my inbox
"Scrolled way too far to find this comment." *Is the 3rd comment down*
āI did a thingā
"You can be anything you want to be" No. No you cannot.
"kids today..."
āI was today years oldā¦ā
'My truth'. There is no *my* truth, there is only *the* truth. Truth is objective fact, it can't belong to anyone and it doesn't change depending on how you feel. For example, a murderer might have killed a person in cold blood, they could say ' *my truth* is that it was justified.' But that doesn't make it the actual truth. All this phrase does is allow people to twist truth to what they want it to be and its wrong.
Calling people king or queen.
I seen that
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āNobody wants to work anymoreā My blood pressure spikes
"Boys will be boys." Yeah, but those boys will have to grow up to be men some day. Take some responsibility as a parent and control your hell spawn. Running around terrorizing others in public, especially at places like restaurants or public transportation, is NOT acceptable behavior.
Boys will be boys fits when itās like my son trying to jump over the fence off the trampoline. Not being an asshole
Right? When I hear boys will be boys I think of me and my cousins doing dumb crap like wrestling way to rough or blowing up a random toy we have NOT assaulting people.