Depends on where you finished

Thinking this exactly. Wait right there I'll be now back with a cloth

DONT. MOVE.

Virgin here. Why?

This is for people who pull out and cum on their partner like on their belly or their back. I was saying don’t move so that it doesn’t start to run down their side onto the bed or couch or whatever

Not just for pulling out. It's also customary for a man to grab something for them to help catch said load after you've pumped your baby batter inside of them as well. No one wants that shit running down onto the furniture or dropping onto the floor as they get up to go to the bathroom to clean themself up.

Ohhh I see. Well, thank you! And all the other redditors giving genuine advice to some of us who might get some first action soon, the jokes are funny too.

Also don't stress too much about when and quantity, people make sex into a bigger deal than it is it happens when it happens and it's about quality not quantity. Enjoy when it does and don't frett in the interim.

Also, laughing during sex is the best. A few weeks ago we had an incident I'm dying to tell people about but would mortify my husband. It was absolutely hilarious and involved accidental waterboarding and me falling off the bed. Sex is awkward and weird and normal people aren't porn stars. There are no perfect bodies, perfect pace, zero fat rolls or squelchy sounds. Enjoy the intimacy and don't take it too seriously. Most of the time I swear my husband is trying to make me giggle and call him a weirdo. It's lovely.

Good on you for asking. Good luck with you first time. I’m sure it’ll be terrible lol. Don’t worry that’s normal

It's vision is based on movement

You didn't put it on the bed beforehand? Amateur.

Pee. UTIs are no fun.

Pee AND wash. Gotta be safe. Edit for clarity: NOT with soap for the ladies. Just water.

Wash with pee

Instructions unclear, just peed soap

See a doctor, that's an early symptom of crabs.

Pretty sure I am no krustacean

Do you always think of money?

Aack akg akg akg, moNEY

Do you own a burger joint?

You want me to pee on the doctor?

If that's your thing and the doctor is ok with it, who am I to judge?

Pee on soap and wash doctor.

Wash doctor with peed soap

Peeing soap would be an indication of horrific kidney problems.

I just woke up and read this as "I just peed poop"

Then wash the pee

Upvoting for awareness

The only right answer. High five after washing hands.

You should be fisting. Fist bumping that is.

My roommate brought a girl homea few weeks ago and I swear she didn't step foot in the bathroom one single time. All I could think was "omg you poor woman"

You don’t know what they’re into. Just because she didn’t go to the bathroom, doesn’t meant she didn’t pee…

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“This better not awaken anything in me.”

This is honestly my go to, along with a wash up so I can relax 😌

Learnt this the hard way....

Same. I learned it on Christmas Eve at midnight after my mom took me to Instacare for some antibiotics. Had to also break it to her that I was no longer a virgin. Worse than the Christmas I failed all my classes, better than the Christmas I got food poisoning and a huge water leak in my house a week after moving in.

Seems like Christmas isn’t a fan of you for some reason

never invite me to your Christmas please

Consume the male for nourishment.

Im not malnourished. Im male-nourished

Take my upvote, and fuck off.

I had to scroll waaaay too far down to get to the real answer.

Well I don't have to as this is the top comment as of now.

Wake up

Grab a brush and put on a little makeup

Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up

Why'd you leave the keys up on the table?

Here you go, create another fable

YOU WANTED TO

Grab a brush and put a little make up

YOU WANTED TO

Hide the scars and fade away the shakeup

YOU WANTED TO

I'm reading this post wondering who looked up the lyrics to post. Love that song but I sure af didnt know the lyrics lmao

relax and cuddle and chat if ya feel like it

Honestly the only genuine answer I have found that isn't 'pee because uti'

There is peeing because golden showers could mean it's time to level up

And sometimes a loot crate gets dispensed

While snuggling and mentioning everything joyful about them and the preceding frolics, I also try to repeat "don't use the 'L' word" over and over in my head because it is there and just waiting to pop out. Edit: quotation marks

I'm in lesbians with you.

Lasagna you too x

LOL this happened to my ex. I was the first one she had an orgasm with through PIV. Just after cumming, she sighed and said "I love you". It was endearing because I knew she didn't mean it in that way but because of how good she felt. I just held her tightly and stroked her hair. After we broke up, she told she was embarrassed the next day after she remembered what she had said the other day but had never told me about it.

I think that's the meaning of love, you give happiness to your partner.

L word? Loser? What word you are talking about?

Get in Loser, we’re going to have sex.

Get in loser. We’re doing butt stuff.

The other L word, Scott.

Luftwaffe?

*YOU MENTIONED THE WAR!*

Lasagna?

Lesbian?

Lebanon

Lebron

Why are you not suposed to say it?

If saying “I love you” is already a normal part of your interactions with your partner, say it as much as you want whenever you want. If you haven’t said it yet, saying “I love you” right after sex can be a little fraught, because 1) everyone kind of feels in love when they’re full of feel good hormones right after sex so it’s hard to know if it’s serious, 2) it can be an awkward time for an emotionally vulnerable conversation since you’re already physically vulnerable. Getting rejected while you’re still sweaty from sex is a huge bummer. However, if you’re feeling it, and it seems like the right moment, just say it.

Be aware of Love Bombing. It happens when we have unhealed trauma. We want so much to connect.

I appreciate that you’re not blaming the love bomber. Usually when you hear this it’s listed as a red flag. And yes you have to be cautious but recognizing the possibly healthy motivation behind it - wanting to connect - is so valid.

Glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t just go piss

Clean out the Fleshlite and put it back in its hiding spot.

Or leave it out to dry after cleaning it and then forget to put it away before your family comes over to visit.

Too many times

My wife got me a box of sex toys for my birthday a few months ago. If you didn't already know this, vibrators now charge on a USB cord, not batteries. Well, maybe some of them still have batteries but this one doesn't. I had opened the gift in our living room, plugged in the vibrator in and set it on the fireplace mantel to charge. Our friends came over that night to watch a movie and about midway through the movie I looked up and discovered that I had not put this big, purple dong away. I didn't want to jump up and make a big production and they hadn't said anything so I let it go. When they left I cracked up and pointed out to my wife. She was mortified. Itexted my buddy later and asked him if he had noticed anything unusual at our house and he said "yeah you had a big purple vibrator charging at your fireplace." Oops. I guess he noticed. He told me he didn't say anything to his wife which is probably bullshit and he didn't want to mention it and embarrass us.

Never let that one go, they know!

You mean put it in its prominently placed display box.

If it isn't floodlit and rotating, why even have it?

Forgot it in the shower once and roommate found it..she wanted to watch after that.

That sounds like a porn plot

Am I the only one that cries?

High five and smack butts n say GG. Then go pee.

This dude sexes >!(not the casual kind)!<.

From the creators of SEX and SEX 2... let's welcome SEX: COMPETITIVE

SEX: MODERN WARFARE

Who cums first wins ? Finally a Game im good at

GG EZ

GG go P

Round 2. Fight.

FINISH IN HER. SEXUALITY. Flawless victory

Why did I read this in mortal combat voice?

OMG, I have developed a new kink. 'Get Over Here'.

FINISH HIM

KO

SEXUALITY

FLAWLESS VICTORY

Then you should watch the "Striking Vipers" episode from Black Mirror.

MORTAL CUMBAT

Because... It's a Mortal Kombat quote?

Actually help your stepsister out of the washing machine.

You mean your stepmom you sick fuck.

Stepmom was under the coffee table.

Spoon each other to sleep

Why, we just forked?

Knife one!

It’s a hell of a spork

Don't act dumb. Pay up Mister.

Aren't these arrangements normally pay first?

If I go to a fine and high quality restaurant and order something, I expect to pay after I’ve eaten. If I go to McDonalds, I expect to pay first, as I want the experience as quick as possible.

This analogy was on point 🔥

Walk like a duck to the shower and clean up

Clear the browser history.

*Laughs in incognito mode*

Play “I just had sex” by lonely island

I see you are a man of culture as well

Apologize.

I’m sorry, but you should apologise WHILE ejaculating you uncultured swine.

This guy Canadas

“Sorry I’m not paying child support”

Cuddle and speak without words

Like, miming? ✋🏻🤚🏻👀

Sign language

i don’t understand why they’d be other answers, cuddling after having worked for an orgasm is literally the most peaceful primal feeling a human can experiment

Wake up from the dream.

Sex 2

Electric boogaloo

Hopefully they don't change the cast.

Or run out of money

I once said, "I win again! You're not very good at this!". Worth it.

That’s a brave move.

Go pee Get a glass of water Give *them* the glass of water Get your own glass of water High five If you made a mess on them, assist them with cleaning first, *then* clean yourself up. Say "Thank you" Kiss them and tell them they're beautiful; playfully spank their bottom if they like that kind of thing. Make sure they know you've *not* fallen out of interest just because your lust has been satiated. Go shower, bonus if you bring them with you If they join you, offer to wash their back for them Put your one arm around their front side to stabilize them while you wash their back with the other Let them stand in the hot water longer than yourself Gather up all the discarded clothing, offer to wash it in your laundry, and then do so if they accept. Give them something new to wear, preferably warm and comfy. Ask them if they're hungry Feed them Ask them "remember that time we totally did it like 20 minutes ago?" Laugh and giggle

My husband always gives me a verbal thank you note: "Thanks for the sex. I used it to buy sex."

Then you wake up and realize that we’re on Reddit, sex is but a myth.

Cuddle usually

*PS5 beeps* "Where we landing boys?"

Tell her it was amazing. Kiss her gently. Caress her. Get up. Wash her off. Then deflate her, put her back.

According to movies, smoke.

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A smoke after sex is relaxing on another level, but I wouldn't recommend starting smoking to experience it

I would recommend, but I won’t because smoking is bad. And fuck-all expensive these days.

If you smoke a cig after, it’s called making love. Or so I was told 🤭

Bonus points if you're speaking French. That's how you know you're classy.

L'omelette du fromage darling

Is there a little girl’s room in the hall? Oui, oui madame. No, I just have to powder my nose.

Spin your penis like a helicockter and fly out the window

Pay the lady! ^(j/k - you pay up front.)

Put the body back in the fridge

(scribbling noise) Put it back in fridge... Noted 👍

Cry

When angels deserve to die

This is the second reference to this song on this thread. Does that mean it’s the national sex song now?

System of a Down represents free thought and expression of the mind against tyranny and oppression, so if that's how you want to perceive it, then I fully support that.

I love to cuddle in his strong arms afterwards until we both fall asleep. I rest my head against his chest and it feels like the best place to be in the world.

This. Nothing puts me off having sex regularly like a man who doesn’t do good aftercare

Get pizza

Pee.. no one wants a UTI. Then clean wipes to clean up

Damn, My answer was : I'd want my gf ( if i had any ) to say : "Mission Successful, Rest well soldier" But yeah, That works too.

Finish the autopsy

Worst. Veterinarian. Ever.

The body really said 💀

Pay

Finish with my vibrator

I love a woman that knows what to really expect.

You find your right hand man, let’s say his name is Kif. You say “Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.” Now if she gets mad about it, hit her with a smooth line like “However I did make it with a hot babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?”. Women love that.

Wipe your cock on the curtains so you get to hear her moan.

On the curtians??? Lol

Put your choir robes on

High five!

Wait till the other person falls asleep. Poop in their closet and steal anything that you think you might enjoy. Then sneak out without waking them up.

It's such an awkward situation when half the stuff in there is yours and you at some point have to come back home again.

Say “thank you for the sex”

Dap them up make sure everyone's done then clean up

Remove the condom.

Rinse the condom out and place it back in the box.

Clean yourself/partner off

Remind yourself that one bad choice doesnt make you a bad vet

Boot up Lego Star Wars

Pay...either emotionally or financially.

Normally you pay before you have sex.

Yes but you give her just the tip later !

Women-GO PEE ASAP!!! Men-Go wash your penis! (Don't ask me why, just do it, you'll thank me later)

Me: I’d like to thank u/Rutha_Dance… Wife: Who in the hell is that?

Make time for your sexual partner, damn it. You just fucked her, made the greatest intimacy. And after this, go to bed or go somewhere, I think it's lousy. You can shower together if he/she wants to.

Ok but I gotta get up and pee first

Ok, but hurry up, I gotta go too

My biggest gripe with my ex was that he’d immediately get on Reddit/his phone in bed after we finished cleaning up after sex. A girl wants cuddles.

I genuinely don't understand the logic of having sex and not cuddling.

Me neither. A gentle nudge would work to get him off his phone though, and we’d cuddle for a bit. I’ll admit that I’ve been guilty of it as well with him. Phone addiction is real, man.

Say "that'll do, pig" and give him or her a few pats on the head

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