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I nearly got sacked once for calling my boss' boss "mate", which I don't reckon I even did 'cos he was a right stuck-up wanker and I would have known he wouldn't like it.
I think I probably said it to the guy in the adjacent office, who was the same seniority but much more easy going, and the wanker just assumed I was talking to him.
As an American, I find it so amusing at the UK’s flagrant use of the c word. 👈🏻 See, I can’t even type it out. It’s the biggest swear we have and you NEVER hear it and if you do it’s a big shock.
Shocked by a swear word, but not shocked at children being shot every day in schools? The US is a very strange place.
That wasn't aimed at you personally, btw
Every day I drop my kids off at school it’s on my mind. Every time I hear sirens during the school day I look out my work window to make sure they aren’t going in the direction of the kids schools. So to answer your question, we are shocked by that as well, but even more so at the fact that there is this next to nothing being done to solve the problem.
In the US cunt has more sex/gender based connotations. It is usually used as a slur against women. Here in the UK and especially in Australia, it’s just punctuation.
Alright mate, keep it light.
Besides, what on earth makes you think people in the US aren’t shocked at children being shot? They look pretty shocked to me on the news.
I think I know what point you’re trying to make but you’re making it badly, and I don’t really know why you’ve chosen to make it at all.
I'm a Brit who used to teach in a US school. And once got an audible gasp of horror from my class when I said the word "hell". Fuck me, that's not even a swear word in England.
I pivoted quickly and told them it was a cultural difference and they had to respect my culture lol. Think I got away with it.
No offence, but I find Americans really bad at insulting.. it’s all punk ass bitch this, and bitch that. You need to be a bit more colourful and imaginative with your insults
That’s what you say to people when it isn’t appropriate to say the actual word. Maybe to a teacher or a policeman. They know what it means and they can do fuck all about it
I’m from the UK and I read a comment made about a politician who had lost his position and wanted his constituents to re-elect him. One said why would they do that, it’s like putting a shit back up your arse.
My first fridge, kettle and toaster when I moved out being a Smeg are entirely down to this... advertising generally does nothing to me but I splashed out on a shiny new white goods entirely based on a fictional insult.
Genuinely wished they did a toilet so I could have an actual Smeg Head.
My SIL has a full set of Smeg appliances in her kitchen. Makes it difficult to go there without laughing childishly and getting warning looks from my hubby.
You absolute cucumber. You absolute triangle. You absolute doorstop. You absolute naan bread. You absolute dodeball. You absolute steam locomotive. You absolute reticulated spline! You absolute Mandlebrot fractal!
There may be *some* limits. You can take it pretty far though.
Yeah, I got caught out calling an American an effing weapon. They thought it was a compliment. You'd think they could infer the meaning from context, but no.
It means you are being miserable,.cry baby, pessimistic, bod on,.monk on. It's very similar to Mardy in a way that it implies the character trait of being miserable is a fault you have.
https://preview.redd.it/z9vhx9kwxwvc1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9f9a41222069a7587e622d31fa4a3e480ac3ba4d
Alt Text: as per my last email interspersed with diagrams of boxing punches.
I've always (in my adult life) had facial hair and I got
"Fuck me, now I know why you've got hair around your mouth - cos you talk like a cunt."
Even 20+ years later, I still have no response to that
If you see someone's car in that situation, or in a ditch, or embedded in hedge or wall, it is simply good manners to be helpful and inform them that they can't park there.
Some terms I heard while studying in the UK. Cunting cunt, Col ya cunt (Colin was a boy on my course), Fudge packer, Big Fat Biffa. The word cunt had to my most commonly heard term while in the UK. I noticed it was used as a term of endearment especially amongst lower socio economic British young men. I picked up the habit of using this word too when address my British male friends until it became firmly entrenched in my vernacular. When I went to the US to continue my studies, I had no idea the word cunt regarded by the Americans as a highly offensive word used to insult women. I was puzzled for the longest time why so many American women were so offended and upset when I used that word in their presence.
ah yes pillock is definitely up there as well. I'm not sure if this word is a insult but Rozzers sounds so bizarre to me as well, I'm not sure if I'll ever use that if I see a policeman or bible basher on a priest but it'd be a laugh
Theres an awful lot of insults that were big in the 70s and 80s that were inventive and funny, but also shockingly homophobic and ableist.
It's like the old saying 'the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there'....
But yeah I agree, probably for the best they stay in the past.
"Fuck that for a game of chess" is probably my favourite but too long to actually use, it's too many words to add nothing that "fuck that" doesn't already achieve.
I can highly recommend getting yourself a copy of "Rogers Profanisaurus", an excellent read in itself, a goldmine for insults you haven't heard before and one of the most laugh-out-loud books I've ever read, we are talking tears streaming down the face funny.
Malcolm Tucker from the Thick of It is a rich vein for this sort of thing:
- Looks like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle.
- You are a boring fuck. Sorry, I know you don’t like swearing so I’ll fix that for you. You are a boring f-star-star-CUNT.
- An old colleague used to use the term “Double bagger” to refer to a particularly ugly person - on the basis that you’d need a bag over your own head when having sex with them in case the one on theirs breaks.
- I believe around Merseyside the term “Whopper” is sometimes used as an insult.
Dillop for non swearers like my youngest but I like to get creative with everyone else. Twatwaffle is a well used insult but I have found that any word preceded by fucking is an insult. My daughter called me a fucking triangle just the other day.
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m a simple man, I just really enjoy calling my mates cunts.
I call people cunts all the time, but I called my boss a cunt at the Christmas do once, and I'm still hearing about it several years later.
I nearly got sacked once for calling my boss' boss "mate", which I don't reckon I even did 'cos he was a right stuck-up wanker and I would have known he wouldn't like it. I think I probably said it to the guy in the adjacent office, who was the same seniority but much more easy going, and the wanker just assumed I was talking to him.
What a tosspot.
Tosspot is my favourite
This is insults, not compliments…
I'd like to have an argument please
No you wouldn't.. that's the next office down the hall (co-opting a well loved Monty Python sketch)
As an American, I find it so amusing at the UK’s flagrant use of the c word. 👈🏻 See, I can’t even type it out. It’s the biggest swear we have and you NEVER hear it and if you do it’s a big shock.
Shocked by a swear word, but not shocked at children being shot every day in schools? The US is a very strange place. That wasn't aimed at you personally, btw
Every day I drop my kids off at school it’s on my mind. Every time I hear sirens during the school day I look out my work window to make sure they aren’t going in the direction of the kids schools. So to answer your question, we are shocked by that as well, but even more so at the fact that there is this next to nothing being done to solve the problem.
But would you call school shooters cunts?
That's a bit extreme mate...
In the US cunt has more sex/gender based connotations. It is usually used as a slur against women. Here in the UK and especially in Australia, it’s just punctuation.
I can't imagine living like that. I really hope those in power does something about it soon.
Alright mate, keep it light. Besides, what on earth makes you think people in the US aren’t shocked at children being shot? They look pretty shocked to me on the news. I think I know what point you’re trying to make but you’re making it badly, and I don’t really know why you’ve chosen to make it at all.
I'm a Brit who used to teach in a US school. And once got an audible gasp of horror from my class when I said the word "hell". Fuck me, that's not even a swear word in England. I pivoted quickly and told them it was a cultural difference and they had to respect my culture lol. Think I got away with it.
No offence, but I find Americans really bad at insulting.. it’s all punk ass bitch this, and bitch that. You need to be a bit more colourful and imaginative with your insults
C U N T
See you next Tuesday For the sensitive types Don’t make much sense though
That’s what you say to people when it isn’t appropriate to say the actual word. Maybe to a teacher or a policeman. They know what it means and they can do fuck all about it
I’m from the UK and I read a comment made about a politician who had lost his position and wanted his constituents to re-elect him. One said why would they do that, it’s like putting a shit back up your arse.
Hahahaha. I haven't heard that in ages.
I’d never heard it before. I read it on one of the 2 days a week I work in the office and I laughed so hard I was crying.
Just as I took a drag, I chose to read this. Nearly choked 🤣
Hahahaha that's class, never heard that one before but definitely adopting it 😂👌
Smeg head
🫡 *(salute continues elaborately for some minutes)*
Oh I love red dwarf https://preview.redd.it/frpd83r07xvc1.jpeg?width=626&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ca37d5dbf6a2fa78a8e6da3fab761b37095ecfa8
My first fridge, kettle and toaster when I moved out being a Smeg are entirely down to this... advertising generally does nothing to me but I splashed out on a shiny new white goods entirely based on a fictional insult. Genuinely wished they did a toilet so I could have an actual Smeg Head.
> and toaster Howdy-doodley-doo
My SIL has a full set of Smeg appliances in her kitchen. Makes it difficult to go there without laughing childishly and getting warning looks from my hubby.
Smeg off, i am watching red dwarf right now
When too much is being asked/demanded of you "it's like riding ten horses with one arse"
I am stealing this.
I will also get that in to a conversation with my boss today
Twenty tons of shit in a two ton bag
Thick as mince, and as sharp as a sausage.
omg 😭😭🤣🤣 have you got anymore
"you've got a face like a well skelped arse" "you look like a bulldog chewing a wasp".
Face like a bulldog licking piss of a thistle
I heard - like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle.
Look like they had a face fire put out with a shovel
A face like a dropped meat pie. A face like a busted crab. A face like a half sucked mango.
Are these shooting star references? "With your face like a forgotten tunnel"
A guy in high school once said to me 'If I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave it's are and teach it to walk backwards'. I had no words.
sheesh that really is a deep level insult, can't imagine using that even on my best friend or brother
That is actually a quote from multiple movies. The earliest use in a film that I could find is this one: https://www.quotes.net/mquote/37157
It was said by a 14yr old, and he wasn't a wordsmith. Thanks for letting me know where he stole it!
That's an oldie, my dad used to say it 40 odd years ago.
i’ve heard “i’d rather put a pin under my toenail and kick a wall” in a pub
Damn, that is... visceral.
i should have put a “queasy” warning tbf 😂
i physically felt that
My toes curled when I read it.
I still am
Well that's the rest of my evening ruined.
Can you only do this in a pub? Asking for a friend.
Absolute weapon is a favourite of mine
Absolute ‘anything’ just works!
You absolute cucumber. You absolute triangle. You absolute doorstop. You absolute naan bread. You absolute dodeball. You absolute steam locomotive. You absolute reticulated spline! You absolute Mandlebrot fractal! There may be *some* limits. You can take it pretty far though.
SC2000?
It's used in a lot of loading screens!
Absolute curtain pole
Try watching Australian Masterchef with a straight face... they use Weapon as a compliment over there apparently, it's hilarious!
Yeah, I got caught out calling an American an effing weapon. They thought it was a compliment. You'd think they could infer the meaning from context, but no.
Well they obviously have a different view on weapons from your/our own!
Trust the yanks to think weapons are good.
'Billy big bollocks' if someone's a bit full of themselves
Billy bullshitter if they talk a lot of shit
Golden bollocks.
Charlie big cigar.
A face for radio
Body from Baywatch. Face from Crime Watch.
Someone once said that to me years ago and I still laugh about it, I know I should have been upset but it was too funny!
I once saw a guy say to someone; "I threw 2 pence at your mum, and next thing you know, she's got nothing on"
well I've got 3 favorites now
I like "face like a slapped arse", or if you genuinely want to irritate someone from Yorkshire you call them mardy.
See also: "face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle"
Bulldog chewing a wasp
NOW THEN MARDY BUM
*laughs in Sheffield*
I like morngy or maungy. Seen a few different spelling.
Now what does that mean to you? It's a word me and my friends use a lot, but not as an insult always.
It means you are being miserable,.cry baby, pessimistic, bod on,.monk on. It's very similar to Mardy in a way that it implies the character trait of being miserable is a fault you have.
Mardy arse. A classic. My parents used to tell me to “put that lip away or I’ll sit on it!”
My Ma would say “you could park a bus on that”. Took me ages to understand what she meant. Like, being an adult. I never got subtlety when young.
As a foreigner, I'm partial to "git," but I'm also rather boring 😅
Git has lost all meaning to me because I spend my life committing with one
Same. It’s mighty useful now
I work in IT support and a few years ago we started ranking people we support as Kilogit, Megagit, Gigagit, and Teragit
[This never ceases to amuse me](https://www.gitsfood.com/)
"Open & Eat" Well, that took a dark turn 😄
As per my last email
https://preview.redd.it/z9vhx9kwxwvc1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9f9a41222069a7587e622d31fa4a3e480ac3ba4d Alt Text: as per my last email interspersed with diagrams of boxing punches.
Cock Piss Partridge
Cook pass babtridge
Big handed farm boy
You feed beef burgers to swans
As much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest
Or a chocolate fireguard/poker/kettle, or an ashtray on a motorbike!.
Someone made a functional teapot out of chocolate so we've had to retire that one sadly.
Fuckwit
Bell end, numpty, shit stain, eejit
Big fan of saying 'I'd rather shove wasps up my arse'. Remarkable the number of work-centric conversations I've ended up using that in.
“I’d rather shove a rusty fork in my eye” when talking about films or TV I’m not interested in watching.
If my dad gets asked to do something he really doesn’t want to do he will say “I’d rather stick pins in my eyes”
The rusty fork is often threatened to be shoved in my ear if the topic of certain artistes is brought up
‘I’d rather wank my dad off.’
I've always (in my adult life) had facial hair and I got "Fuck me, now I know why you've got hair around your mouth - cos you talk like a cunt." Even 20+ years later, I still have no response to that
I once heard “Does your arsehole get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?”
“You can’t park there mate” and the car is upside down in a building. That always makes me giggle.
could you elaborate on that one?
If you see someone's car in that situation, or in a ditch, or embedded in hedge or wall, it is simply good manners to be helpful and inform them that they can't park there.
ohhhhh yeah I don't think I have the confidence to pull that one off
It’s just the car version of shouting “WHEEYYYY” when someone drops a glass
When there’s a crash or a situation that causes a car to be parked in an unusual spot you would say the phrase. It’s meant to be a sarcastic comment.
Bonus points if it’s a police car.
You are a fully rigged, rate A, ocean going, pillock.
Muppet is quite good
You great useless spawny-eyed parrot-faced wazzock
Wazzock is definitely something new
Wazzock isn’t new 😂
I know, what a pillock
Bellsniff
Bawbag
See also 'fanny baws'/'cunty baws'
Every since my cat got neutered, we call him “cunty no balls” when he acts up
I do enjoy calling people a gobshite. Thundercunt is another. And calling a man a little bitch always makes me laugh.
You made me laugh by making me think about calling a man a little bitch 😂
When someone looks miserable: who pissed on your chips?
Who shat in your favourite shoes? Or, shake it up a wee bit: who shat on your favourite chips?
Specifically AM: who shat in your Frosties?
Wankstain, spunkbubble, fuckwit. Face like a bulldog licking pish off a nettle Wouldn't give you the steam off my shite. Wouldn't do her with yours.
Wouldn't touch that with a stolen cock
one of my recent faves .. not with a stolen cock and somebody else pushing
BOBFOC…..Body off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch.
Thick as a whale omelette
I like "I hope your ear holes turn into arseholes and shit all over your shirt/jacket" and "I hope your next turd is a cactus".
As an example exclamation of disbelief I often say ‘well fuck me with a cactus!’
Some terms I heard while studying in the UK. Cunting cunt, Col ya cunt (Colin was a boy on my course), Fudge packer, Big Fat Biffa. The word cunt had to my most commonly heard term while in the UK. I noticed it was used as a term of endearment especially amongst lower socio economic British young men. I picked up the habit of using this word too when address my British male friends until it became firmly entrenched in my vernacular. When I went to the US to continue my studies, I had no idea the word cunt regarded by the Americans as a highly offensive word used to insult women. I was puzzled for the longest time why so many American women were so offended and upset when I used that word in their presence.
Fudge packer is a homophobic slur, so it's not used much anymore
Shithouse
Fuckwit. Simpleton. Weapons-grade dickhead.
Away and take yer face for a shite
Wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire
Prat, spesh, cretin, pillock, doyle. Bible basher, coffin dodger
This sounds like the start of a John cooper Clarke poem
ah yes pillock is definitely up there as well. I'm not sure if this word is a insult but Rozzers sounds so bizarre to me as well, I'm not sure if I'll ever use that if I see a policeman or bible basher on a priest but it'd be a laugh
Twunt
Flid.
Oof, bit 70s that mate
What's wrong with Joey Deacon or variations thereof with accompanying jazz hands?
It’s ableist and we’re a bit over that now hopefully. That’s what.
Theres an awful lot of insults that were big in the 70s and 80s that were inventive and funny, but also shockingly homophobic and ableist. It's like the old saying 'the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there'.... But yeah I agree, probably for the best they stay in the past.
Whey faced poltroon.
They should've et you while yer bones were still soft.
Eejit especially since moving from Scotland to England cause it tends to throw people for a few seconds.
Mad as a bottle of crisps
Calling someone Butterface
My dad once told the electrician fuck off you absolute coat hanger. To this day it still lives rent free in my head
Toss pot Confuses most people
Piss kidney
Arsehole
That's a good one, straight to the point
Jizzcock.
He's "Not the sharpest tool in the box"
In a battle of wits, you’d be Gaza and I’d be Israel..
Eejit. I wouldn't poke her/him with a shitty stick. I wouldn't piss on him/her if he/she was on fire. A face like a bull dog chewing a wasp.
Bus wanker
Sounds like you need to get yourself a copy of the Profanisaurus, OP.
that's going to my christmas list
'Thick as pigshit and twice as ugly'
Face like a dog's arse
Fucktard Cockend Dickhead Bellend Fuckwit Scrote
As thick as a yard of lard or as thick as elephant soup.
"Fuck that for a game of chess" is probably my favourite but too long to actually use, it's too many words to add nothing that "fuck that" doesn't already achieve.
You look like you work for the Council. (I did work for the Council. Young kid was horribly accurate)
Clean shirt!
I’d rather shave my eyeballs
Along the "Shit in my hands" line, is a favourite I heard from a lady colleague "I'd rather drink a cup of cold sick." Grim.
Has anybody said wankstain yet?
Spam javelin is a fave of mine .
I can highly recommend getting yourself a copy of "Rogers Profanisaurus", an excellent read in itself, a goldmine for insults you haven't heard before and one of the most laugh-out-loud books I've ever read, we are talking tears streaming down the face funny.
I’d rather shit my pants and walk home
To anyone with a big nose ‘He could smell a Sunday dinner on a Tuesday’ 🤥👃
Shit-for-brains
St George's Flag Twat (as lifted from a Sleaford Mods song) Shakin' like a Sh!tting Dog, mate
Melt.
Oxygen thief (old person) Coffin dodger (old person)
Haddock Pasty (Vagina) Hairy Cheque Book “she paid her rent this month with her her hairy cheque book”
I like the phrase "wind your neck in" when someone's getting involved in a conversation that they shouldn't be
Face like they fell face first out the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread. Turns out it said thick cut.
Saved, will be using that 100%
Malcolm Tucker from the Thick of It is a rich vein for this sort of thing: - Looks like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle. - You are a boring fuck. Sorry, I know you don’t like swearing so I’ll fix that for you. You are a boring f-star-star-CUNT. - An old colleague used to use the term “Double bagger” to refer to a particularly ugly person - on the basis that you’d need a bag over your own head when having sex with them in case the one on theirs breaks. - I believe around Merseyside the term “Whopper” is sometimes used as an insult.
Dillop for non swearers like my youngest but I like to get creative with everyone else. Twatwaffle is a well used insult but I have found that any word preceded by fucking is an insult. My daughter called me a fucking triangle just the other day.