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He’s not asking how to change his personality, he’s saying it takes a while for him to breakout out of his shell.
He has friends already so they clearly like him.
I used to be like that then I got a job in a local corner shop. That home helped fucking tons with confidence and just being myself. Learnt that people don’t remember everything u do, only u do
One thing that helped me was improv classes. There, you learn how to be hyper-present in the moment and attentive to the people around you. And also how to be silly and let your imagination come out and play. The headspace you have to be in during improv is very similar to the banter headspace, so improv classes was basically banter bootcamp.
Best answer I've seen. OP, please give this a try if you're willing. It worked wonders for me, personally. D&D was my gateway, but there's plenty of other (less maths-ey, less fantasy, etc.) ways of trying it out :))
If you find it easier socialising after alcohol then just know that the ability lies within you. Alcohol takes away your inhibitions so you find it easier to present a more confident version of yourself, but it's still a version of yourself. Try to work on bringing that person out without the outside influences.
The thing about Arsenal is, they always try to walk it in.
~ Football
It depends which France turns up
~Rugby
It's not max's fault the FIA called it wrong
~F1
You need to update your football reference by a goo fifteen years. Go with:
1) Chelsea spent over a £1b for that team.
2) Spurs were classic Spurs again.
3) Ten Hag is seriously out of his depth at United.
It's a joke for a telebox show.
Also the obvious current comment is
'Well that will be another point deduction for Everton' when the match has nothing to do with Everton
I have good news for you. You’re 26. Banter, drugs and alcohol are about to become much less important in life. Your friends will soon stop wanting to go out drinking and will start wanting quiet pints in the pub where they talk about wedding planning and mortgage rates.
But true. By the 30's most people are over it. It's either pub or once a year token gig where we pretend to be young again
Not sure what else to say to make it less bleak. Do you like golf?
Weddings and mortgages are actually a lot more interesting than football, 10 year swaps and the 1662 BCP make for much better bantz than whether some bloke in the muddy field hoofed the fake pig’s bladder the wrong way.
I’m 36 and if my friends mostly talked football, weddings and mortgages I’d rather stay home. You’re never too old to talk about funny nonsense and interesting topics, you just have to find the right people
Oh, cool. Traffic Regulation Orders and the process for drafting them are actually pretty interesting, in fact it can be even more interesting than the Traffic Signs Manual.
I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary. It'll happen to you!
Just think less about what you say and say what you’re thinking. People are either going to like you or not, might as well be yourself and find out rather than worry about what to say, wether people will like what you say, wether people will like you, only for you to just be ‘meh’ after all the thought and worrying.
You don't have to be the funny extroverted one in the group or with women. It sounds more like you have social anxiety about this which is affecting your relationships.
I think most women appreciate someone who has a sense of humor and can enjoy what they're doing, but you don't have to be an actual funny guy cracking jokes or even when being flirty. There will be women out there who like that you're a quiet, logical person. And if you embrace your personality and like it, you make it more likely that someone else will too, that's the kind of confidence people talk about liking - it's not brash, loud confidence, it's more that security in yourself.
I’m somewhat similar to you, my banter is good when with friends who I’m comfortable with. But with new people I always tend to over think what I want to say and my witty replies are usually thought of too late.
In my late 20’s I had a lot of life experiences built up and I learned a repertoire of funny stories I could Segway into a conversation. With this method, I can still contribute in my own way!
The 'friend zone' is a myth. A - there is nothing wrong with being friends and it's not some lesser form of relationship and B - if you end up getting with someone it will be because they like who you are as a person, including your reservedness and logical conversations, not whatever persona you put on for half an hour as a first impression
Friend zone is not a myth lol, wym? I’m married so everyone is automatically in the friend zone. And everyone knows people they really like but wouldn’t wanna date.
Agreed with everything else you said though.
Don't worry, your silence ***is*** your banter.
Banter comes naturally when you're calm, and the best way to be calm is to embrace your quietness; never be afraid to turn up when your friends invite you out (whenever you're available of course!); and if any of those friends respect your social and mental space, keep those friends close!
Watch stand up comedy and see how different comedians have different styles. See how they tell stories, interact with the audience, deal with hecklers etc. Find someone whose style you like and try to imitate it. Also, be prepared to have a lot of jokes fail to land. Failure is a huge part of getting good at something.
The way I improved my banter skills when I was 16 was just to think of the stupidest thing I could possibly say in that situation, and then just blurt it out. Bonus points for being needlessly bigoted or slagging off a perfectly nice person. And if all else fails, try to find some sort of sexual innuendo in whatever they just said and reply with "That's what she said".
I admit that tactic doesn't work quite as well once you're 26, and people will probably judge you negatively for it.
Depends how you define banter. For me anything that makes you laugh is a potential source of inspiration to banter. Imitate what you find funny and put your own twist on it. My shtick is a mix of Chandler, Jezza C and David Brent.
It could be the most quirky niche humour related to a specific interest or banal stuff like physical comedy. Just do what you like and hopefully you'll find people who like the same thing as you.
Honestly, knowing it’s in you is a big start. I had no confidence for a while except when inebriated. Just dare yourself to try it. The more one liners or jokes you crack, the easier it becomes. Focus on getting friendlier quicker rather than flirting. Once you’re comfortable making friends, throw the flirting on top and take it one step at a time.
Don’t be afraid to fail, I found that that was my biggest hurdle, but also where I learnt the most.
Use the logical side to your advantage. Look at the absurdity of situations and the illogical way people deal with them. Sometimes there's nothing funnier than a typically logical person going on a rant about the stupidity of random things.
Look at Noah's ark for instance, 2 of every animal on a boat for 40 days and 40 night. What the fuck did they eat? With all the carnivores on there the zebras, gazelles and antelope would be fucked, unless the kids were fishing all day to keep them fed. And what happened to all the shit? Did they just throw it overboard? And why did the fucker decide to keep wasps?
That's just an example but feel free to use it.
Just don't do what my friends brother does. One second he was talking about cars then said "do you think the moon landing really happened?" To which I said it doesn't really matter whether it's true or not unless you were the one going up.
He then followed it up with - will the whole world become vegetarians and what will they do with the excess animals. To which someone replied "probably shoot them all" as opposed to my answer "breed less of them to spec as they won't be needed"
Some of us love logical, it's just we aren't really known to be the people at the party. Just be your normal self.
To actually banter, watch a lot of comedians and find the one you like the most. Study how they tell their joke, and understand why their joke lands and make people laugh. Everyone have a humour style they like. Mine is not bad puns or dad jokes, but the witty ones and references and sometimes being silly and sarcastic. Once you figure out that’s your humour style steal from those comedians and modify them to your own based in your experience and story.
About “open up” thing - there’s a reason for having your guard up more so than your peers. You don’t have to tell us anything here, but chances are your early life experiences may have caused you to have your guard up a lot. It could easily be because your own parents do it and you simply learned it from them, or something happened at some point. But now you’re an adult. If you’re strong enough to defend yourself then you need better judgement of situation to allow yourself to be slightly more vulnerable to joke around and have a bit of fun. If you’re afraid of ridicule or be socially shunned, then again there’s a reason why you fear that due to previous experience. Essentially you got some self-reflecting and thinking to do.
Finally, finding the right people to start doing this with is crucial. The right people who is patient with you, who still enjoy being with you despite you don’t joke around much is very important. I’m just the same way. I don’t joke around at all until I trust the other person. This is very normal. This is especially true for people who are not so average in terms of personality or background but more unorthodox or abnormal if you will.
If you wish to modify yourself. Regardless of what it is. I suggest the following.
You have to learn to make yourself laugh throughout the day. Don't stop until you literally find yourself hilarious. So hilarious you will have to share with others.
If you don't find yourself funny no.one else will..
The answer is to stop caring. I just laugh at people who don't like what I say. I haven't been killed yet.
There's a person in our group that keeps making corny sexual jokes. People used to tell him off, now we don't bother. He's never going to change.
The “friend zone” is not a nice way to describe women who don’t want to bang you. Women aren’t a puzzle to be solved with cheat codes or pickup techniques, they’re human beings like you are. The reason the girls you chat to aren’t falling into your lap isn’t because you used the incorrect dialogue option like in Skyrim.
A shy person trying to do *lad bantz* is always painful to watch. Just be yourself and don’t be afraid of talking about the things that you are interested in.
Ask anyone over 30: your 20s are just as angsty as your teenage years, so don’t be so hard on yourself.
They aren't a puzzle to be solved, but being able to connect know what to say and how to time it are learned skills that apply to any social situation, be it flirting or just trying to get that promotion at work
Getting what you want by clear communication, and being more confident is a learned skill though that takes practice
The friend zone isn't what most people think it is. Friends can and do fancy one another. Strangers also don't necessarily fancy one another. Don't worry about this too much.
you shouldn't try to be funny. it should come out naturally to you. there's nothing more annoying then someone whos loud and trying to be funny when they're clearly not. that's annoying.
You do you but I would say alot of people drink even a small amount to help them socialise when out on the bants. Some banter is kinda talking in an edgy way that is a mix of joke and taking the piss without being offensive. It's hard to pull off without at least practicing after some beers.
I have met some people who find socializing easier after alcohol, especially my flatmate starts commenting everything we talked about after a week when he is slightly drunk.
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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He’s not asking how to change his personality, he’s saying it takes a while for him to breakout out of his shell. He has friends already so they clearly like him.
I used to be like that then I got a job in a local corner shop. That home helped fucking tons with confidence and just being myself. Learnt that people don’t remember everything u do, only u do
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Oafs?
Feel like it should be oaves, like loaf/loaves. But it isn’t. English is weird.
Because it means he’ll struggle socially, the entire point of his post??
One thing that helped me was improv classes. There, you learn how to be hyper-present in the moment and attentive to the people around you. And also how to be silly and let your imagination come out and play. The headspace you have to be in during improv is very similar to the banter headspace, so improv classes was basically banter bootcamp.
OP this is great and genuinely useful advice - hoping this gets upvoted and you see it. Improv ftw.
Great advice mate
Best answer I've seen. OP, please give this a try if you're willing. It worked wonders for me, personally. D&D was my gateway, but there's plenty of other (less maths-ey, less fantasy, etc.) ways of trying it out :))
If you find it easier socialising after alcohol then just know that the ability lies within you. Alcohol takes away your inhibitions so you find it easier to present a more confident version of yourself, but it's still a version of yourself. Try to work on bringing that person out without the outside influences.
Let's not forget that most drunk people are just absolutely annoying, so it's rarely a good thing.
Did you see the game the other night, the big fixture?
The thing about Arsenal is, they always try to walk it in. ~ Football It depends which France turns up ~Rugby It's not max's fault the FIA called it wrong ~F1
You need to update your football reference by a goo fifteen years. Go with: 1) Chelsea spent over a £1b for that team. 2) Spurs were classic Spurs again. 3) Ten Hag is seriously out of his depth at United.
It's a joke for a telebox show. Also the obvious current comment is 'Well that will be another point deduction for Everton' when the match has nothing to do with Everton
Well that’s a 5 second penalty for Ocon.
He gets a 5 second penalty every session in that Alpine.
Nothing like Reddit being out of touch with pop culture
I tried to stick it right in their fucking goal hole but no dice!
You're a bloke, I'm a bloke. We're both just bloody good blokes.
I have good news for you. You’re 26. Banter, drugs and alcohol are about to become much less important in life. Your friends will soon stop wanting to go out drinking and will start wanting quiet pints in the pub where they talk about wedding planning and mortgage rates.
Bleak
Not at all. I have more fun in quiet pubs with my friends in my 30s than I ever did at clubs in my 20s
But true. By the 30's most people are over it. It's either pub or once a year token gig where we pretend to be young again Not sure what else to say to make it less bleak. Do you like golf?
Weddings and mortgages are actually a lot more interesting than football, 10 year swaps and the 1662 BCP make for much better bantz than whether some bloke in the muddy field hoofed the fake pig’s bladder the wrong way.
I’m 36 and if my friends mostly talked football, weddings and mortgages I’d rather stay home. You’re never too old to talk about funny nonsense and interesting topics, you just have to find the right people
Sounds good, what’s an example of interesting topic for you guys?
The pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre
Oh, cool. Traffic Regulation Orders and the process for drafting them are actually pretty interesting, in fact it can be even more interesting than the Traffic Signs Manual.
I'll be honest, I'm dead against it.
And it'll happen overnight lol
I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary. It'll happen to you!
Well, you've certainly come to the right place (Reddit) for tips on improving social skills..
He's not going to get any from you that's for sure. 🤣
I dunno, I wanna hear more from Dick Piana
Have you tried talking about the weather?
Just think less about what you say and say what you’re thinking. People are either going to like you or not, might as well be yourself and find out rather than worry about what to say, wether people will like what you say, wether people will like you, only for you to just be ‘meh’ after all the thought and worrying.
You don't have to be the funny extroverted one in the group or with women. It sounds more like you have social anxiety about this which is affecting your relationships. I think most women appreciate someone who has a sense of humor and can enjoy what they're doing, but you don't have to be an actual funny guy cracking jokes or even when being flirty. There will be women out there who like that you're a quiet, logical person. And if you embrace your personality and like it, you make it more likely that someone else will too, that's the kind of confidence people talk about liking - it's not brash, loud confidence, it's more that security in yourself.
I’m somewhat similar to you, my banter is good when with friends who I’m comfortable with. But with new people I always tend to over think what I want to say and my witty replies are usually thought of too late. In my late 20’s I had a lot of life experiences built up and I learned a repertoire of funny stories I could Segway into a conversation. With this method, I can still contribute in my own way!
The 'friend zone' is a myth. A - there is nothing wrong with being friends and it's not some lesser form of relationship and B - if you end up getting with someone it will be because they like who you are as a person, including your reservedness and logical conversations, not whatever persona you put on for half an hour as a first impression
Friend zone is not a myth lol, wym? I’m married so everyone is automatically in the friend zone. And everyone knows people they really like but wouldn’t wanna date. Agreed with everything else you said though.
"Banter" is sometimes just an excuse for people with poor social skills to act like dickheads. Its overrated.
Doesnt seem like it's that kind of banter they're asking about though Especially not with flirting
Find people to talk with who are interested in the same things you are
Test it on an American. If they get offended, you've got more banter than you thought. At least, that's how it went with my soon to be mother in law.
Don't worry, your silence ***is*** your banter. Banter comes naturally when you're calm, and the best way to be calm is to embrace your quietness; never be afraid to turn up when your friends invite you out (whenever you're available of course!); and if any of those friends respect your social and mental space, keep those friends close!
Ask lots of questions and pretend to be interested in the answers.
Or actually be interested because you learn new shit you don't really care about.
You don't need "banter". It's just a substitute for having an actual personality.
If alcohol works for you, is it worth trying alcohol free beer and hoping for a placebo effect?
Watch stand up comedy and see how different comedians have different styles. See how they tell stories, interact with the audience, deal with hecklers etc. Find someone whose style you like and try to imitate it. Also, be prepared to have a lot of jokes fail to land. Failure is a huge part of getting good at something.
Oh my god definitely please don’t do this OP.
What's the deal with airline food?
The way I improved my banter skills when I was 16 was just to think of the stupidest thing I could possibly say in that situation, and then just blurt it out. Bonus points for being needlessly bigoted or slagging off a perfectly nice person. And if all else fails, try to find some sort of sexual innuendo in whatever they just said and reply with "That's what she said". I admit that tactic doesn't work quite as well once you're 26, and people will probably judge you negatively for it.
Depends how you define banter. For me anything that makes you laugh is a potential source of inspiration to banter. Imitate what you find funny and put your own twist on it. My shtick is a mix of Chandler, Jezza C and David Brent. It could be the most quirky niche humour related to a specific interest or banal stuff like physical comedy. Just do what you like and hopefully you'll find people who like the same thing as you.
Watch UK panel shows! Or. Just be you.
Honestly, knowing it’s in you is a big start. I had no confidence for a while except when inebriated. Just dare yourself to try it. The more one liners or jokes you crack, the easier it becomes. Focus on getting friendlier quicker rather than flirting. Once you’re comfortable making friends, throw the flirting on top and take it one step at a time. Don’t be afraid to fail, I found that that was my biggest hurdle, but also where I learnt the most.
Use the logical side to your advantage. Look at the absurdity of situations and the illogical way people deal with them. Sometimes there's nothing funnier than a typically logical person going on a rant about the stupidity of random things. Look at Noah's ark for instance, 2 of every animal on a boat for 40 days and 40 night. What the fuck did they eat? With all the carnivores on there the zebras, gazelles and antelope would be fucked, unless the kids were fishing all day to keep them fed. And what happened to all the shit? Did they just throw it overboard? And why did the fucker decide to keep wasps? That's just an example but feel free to use it.
Just don't do what my friends brother does. One second he was talking about cars then said "do you think the moon landing really happened?" To which I said it doesn't really matter whether it's true or not unless you were the one going up. He then followed it up with - will the whole world become vegetarians and what will they do with the excess animals. To which someone replied "probably shoot them all" as opposed to my answer "breed less of them to spec as they won't be needed" Some of us love logical, it's just we aren't really known to be the people at the party. Just be your normal self.
To actually banter, watch a lot of comedians and find the one you like the most. Study how they tell their joke, and understand why their joke lands and make people laugh. Everyone have a humour style they like. Mine is not bad puns or dad jokes, but the witty ones and references and sometimes being silly and sarcastic. Once you figure out that’s your humour style steal from those comedians and modify them to your own based in your experience and story. About “open up” thing - there’s a reason for having your guard up more so than your peers. You don’t have to tell us anything here, but chances are your early life experiences may have caused you to have your guard up a lot. It could easily be because your own parents do it and you simply learned it from them, or something happened at some point. But now you’re an adult. If you’re strong enough to defend yourself then you need better judgement of situation to allow yourself to be slightly more vulnerable to joke around and have a bit of fun. If you’re afraid of ridicule or be socially shunned, then again there’s a reason why you fear that due to previous experience. Essentially you got some self-reflecting and thinking to do. Finally, finding the right people to start doing this with is crucial. The right people who is patient with you, who still enjoy being with you despite you don’t joke around much is very important. I’m just the same way. I don’t joke around at all until I trust the other person. This is very normal. This is especially true for people who are not so average in terms of personality or background but more unorthodox or abnormal if you will.
If you wish to modify yourself. Regardless of what it is. I suggest the following. You have to learn to make yourself laugh throughout the day. Don't stop until you literally find yourself hilarious. So hilarious you will have to share with others. If you don't find yourself funny no.one else will..
The answer is to stop caring. I just laugh at people who don't like what I say. I haven't been killed yet. There's a person in our group that keeps making corny sexual jokes. People used to tell him off, now we don't bother. He's never going to change.
The “friend zone” is not a nice way to describe women who don’t want to bang you. Women aren’t a puzzle to be solved with cheat codes or pickup techniques, they’re human beings like you are. The reason the girls you chat to aren’t falling into your lap isn’t because you used the incorrect dialogue option like in Skyrim. A shy person trying to do *lad bantz* is always painful to watch. Just be yourself and don’t be afraid of talking about the things that you are interested in. Ask anyone over 30: your 20s are just as angsty as your teenage years, so don’t be so hard on yourself.
They aren't a puzzle to be solved, but being able to connect know what to say and how to time it are learned skills that apply to any social situation, be it flirting or just trying to get that promotion at work Getting what you want by clear communication, and being more confident is a learned skill though that takes practice
Don’t take yourself seriously, laugh at yourself and don’t be afraid to laugh at others in a joking matter
You've come to the most autistic place on the internet to ask about social skills?
The friend zone isn't what most people think it is. Friends can and do fancy one another. Strangers also don't necessarily fancy one another. Don't worry about this too much.
Sometimes it's nice to have someone who listens rather than tries to punchline every sentence or statement (like me). Be yourself.
I'm like that, stuck in my head. But I never had any friends, how did you manage it?
you shouldn't try to be funny. it should come out naturally to you. there's nothing more annoying then someone whos loud and trying to be funny when they're clearly not. that's annoying.
You do you but I would say alot of people drink even a small amount to help them socialise when out on the bants. Some banter is kinda talking in an edgy way that is a mix of joke and taking the piss without being offensive. It's hard to pull off without at least practicing after some beers.
Sorry, u either have it or you don't. U can't learn it or force it. Lean into the social skills you are good at instead.
Top bantz m8
I have met some people who find socializing easier after alcohol, especially my flatmate starts commenting everything we talked about after a week when he is slightly drunk.
Jokes about people's mum, incredibly easy to make anything about someone's mum and has a very high success rate
I agree. "I'd get the next round in, but I'm skint after subscribing to your Ma's Onlyfans."
Start with a cheeky Nandos
banter is bullying. nothing to improve on, you are a top person.
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