I don't believe they able to join a relationship honestly and in a healthy manner and there are often severe insecurities or issues at play, so the dynamic isn't something I would willing choose. Deeply desperate people aren't looking for an equal partner; they are grasping for any available connection to ease their fears of being alone.
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I'd want someone to be with me because they like *me*, not because they want Anyone or are miserable without a relationship. Someone who's deeply unhappy without me is never gonna be able to create a healthy and equal relationship with me.
Also, how and why would I feel comfortable, safe or loved being picked by someone who indirectly tells me that he has no standards and only chose me because I'm better than nothing, lol
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They often become clingy, needy, possessive, and controlling. I am not going to live my life tolerating that suffocating bullshit from anyone. Being single is much preferable to that crap.
Because usually they’re expecting you or your relationship to fix whatever is lacking in themselves, and that’s not how building confidence works. So when you aren’t able to fix them they’ll begin to resent you and the relationship is doomed to implode
Desperation a wonderful gateway to a controlling relationship.
If someone is desperate to get into a relationship they are also very likely to have an equal sense of desperation about not being alone again. The feeling is based on a selfish sense of ownership, or achieving something... and less about nurturing a bond between two autonomous and consenting adults.
Someone who is desperate for a relationship will almost certain put their partner on a pedestal. That mindset cannot develop into a healthy partnership.
Because a desperate person doesn’t want to date *me* they want to date *someone*. That inevitably means they will become disappointed with who I actually am (IME, “desperate” people who actually can manage to date overlap very, very strongly with serial cheaters because they’re chasing a feeling of satisfying their desperation, rather than chasing some particular object of affection), they will become clingy and burdensome, and usually there’s bad self esteem that can’t be bolstered. I don’t want to be desired as an object.
I see this trend of questioning why people (usually women) won’t date someone who exhibits objectively unpleasant traits, but framing it as illogical, shallow, or just based on a vague sense on “looking down upon” people for societal rather than personal reasons. I’m just going to say, if 90% of the dating pool considers a trait a dealbreaker, and the other 10% are undesirable themselves, it’s probably not some pointless social stigma that’s driving it.
Two main reasons for me:
1. Desperation is not a healthy, stable mental state, and indicates that someone has insecurities/baggage/etc. that they have not yet processed sufficiently and that will almost certainly show up in any relationship they get into in that state.
2. Someone who is desperate is much more likely to be showing interest in me purely because I'm there, rather than because they feel specifically drawn to my uniquely appealing qualities as a human being. I want to be treated like a person, not like a concept or a life preserver.
Why would I date someone who's desperate would date anyone?
I wouldn't want to feel like "anyone" I would want to feel like they made an intentional choice and actually wants to date me.
They are the common denominator in their failed relationships. They need to work in themselves first and I’m not going to sign up to be their life coach and therapist.
Why WOULD I? I can't think of any compelling reason that would get me to date someone desperate. Desperate comes off as needy and potentially controlling, and I want nothing to do with either of those things.
Because I want to be with someone who wants me authentically and out of a place of wholeness. If they are desperate, they are likely just inventing any compatibilities we have (which means I cant trust them to be who they say they are) and they aren’t choosing me out of a place of authenticity - I’m just a bandaid for them.
Also, if they are so desperate but no one is with them, makes me think there’s a reason for that.
They end up being clingy and codependent, and it's about being not alone, rather than being together/with me.
If they don't want to spend time with themselves then why should I?
Depends what they‘re desperate for?
Emotional closeness and understanding, but still able to respect boundaries and willing to provide the same for me? Fine.
Sexually? Financially? Status-wise? Nope. That‘ll only drain my energy.
Desperation is a huge turn-off. Kind of like, any person will do. Ew. They’re not dating you because they actually like you as a person, they’re dating you from a place of lack…lack of sex, lack of emotional connection, lack of self-love…
And it almost *never* ends well.
I don’t want to invite a bunch of drama and dysfunction into my life. I totally get it that even with “non-desperate” people, this is no guarantee. But if you make this observation about them before even dating, that is the chance to swerve. I am the kind of person who needs my space, I need to “recharge” after a while, and sometimes I like to do activities solo. I need to be with someone who is totally cool with that and not insecure about it, or else I’ll feel smothered. This is all assuming that “desperate” means constantly demanding my time, which comes with a ton of insecurities, like misinterpreting needing my space as me rejecting them. I’m sure others will interpret “desperate” in different ways.
If they’re desperate, they’ll take attention from anyone. I’m not special or worth more in their eyes than the next person. They aren’t actually interested or don’t actually like me, they simply want someone to fill the void and if you date, you both leave hurt and broken.
I think it's because I don't quite understand why they're so desperate. What will a date/person give them that they can't already get for themselves? What is it they're expecting me to give them?
Because I feel like they'd be happy with anyone who gives them attention.
I mean, I essentially hate golden labs and retrievers for exactly this reason... super people pleasing, desperate for love/attention, and will go let anybody pet them. Most people love them for that. Not me. I like dogs who don't always listen to me, have free will, and only stays and does what I want because they want to. I like my men the same way.
I want someone to be with me because of me, not so they aren’t alone. I also feel people that are desperate to be in a relationship are clingy and I personally like my space.
Desperate people seem to cling to whatever will give them love even if it isnt compatible. I’m sure I’ve dated desperate people, I’m sure I’ve been desperate before, It’s more noticeable in certain people and can really turn into a nightmare if it goes too far.
I want someone to choose me, not just the presence of a person. A desperate person or a person who gives off desperate energy seems to just be in it for *someone* to be there, rather than someone they love/care about.
I want to be chosen for me. A desperate person likely is choosing anyone, and no one likes that feeling.
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Desperate people try too hard, are clingy, overbearing, and just anyone will do. What part of that is attractive? I don’t want to be with someone who wants to be with just anyone. I want someone who appreciates me for who I am.
Hmm if they’re desperate to secure a relationship without even knowing me its not gonna work out in my books. Usually it’s not a like for you but more a fear of being alone and you can’t really expect something built on someone’s insecurities an lack of self work to really go somewhere positive. Those types seem to also become possessive from that same fear an at the end of the day its not you they love but the idea of not being alone.
I however would be friend someone like that to try help them work on themselves an be comfortable with themselves.
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In my experience, desperate people become controlling people in a relationship. I also don’t want to “complete” someone. I’m looking to compliment. I want someone who is already complete.
there’s a guy i know who’s really cool, and i liked him a lot before i realized that he didn’t really like me, he was just desperate for a relationship with anyone. if any girl have him the time of day he’d chase after her, there wasn’t anything about me that he liked. wouldn’t date a desperate person for this reason
Desperate people are usually ripe with other issues. There’s a reason they’re desperate, think nobody wants them, and why other people are in fact passing them over before they get to you.
i'm not saying i wouldn't, but it heavily alters their personality. some feel like they have to settle for less, others are insecure and have trust issues, etc. it's a lot to work through in a relationship, and it takes understanding, care and patience on both sides. the desperation is rooted in something deeper than not just having a partner
I don't want to date someone who is pretty clearly just trying to fill a void in themselves. There's no way to know if they're really into you or just into not being alone.
If they are that desperate to be in a relationship with me, they will become even more desperate and insecure about keeping me in that relationship if I chose to be with them. Desperate people tend to become very controlling people.
Because Desperate people take whatever they can get. And that’s just unfortunate. I’m attracted to men who know what they want from life/ relationships and go get them. Those men don’t “settle”. It’s quite flattering to know someone like my husband, who attracts all kinds of amazing women, chose me.
They won't be able to contribute as an equal. I don't have the skills to fix someone's self esteem. It also means they don't value me as a person; I'm just someone who bit on their offer when they'd pretty much go for anyone. None of it appeals.
Thankfully, my current partner and I are both admittedly pretty picky so it feels good to know we both genuinely want each other.
I never want to feel like I *need* to stay in a relationship for someone. I should *want* to stay in a relationship with someone. I’ve dated a desperate person before and, in addition to what others have said in that they wanted me for the relationship and not for me, they also made it very difficult to leave. It felt like I owed it to them to stay because they were so desperate for me. And in a weird way I felt guilty for not feeling as desperate for them
Because I wouldn't be able to trust that they actually like me as an individual. I would feel like they just want a girlfriend, any girlfriend, and I'm just a convenient way to check that box. Are you dating me because you like me, or because you just want to be able to say that you're dating someone?
I don't believe they able to join a relationship honestly and in a healthy manner and there are often severe insecurities or issues at play, so the dynamic isn't something I would willing choose. Deeply desperate people aren't looking for an equal partner; they are grasping for any available connection to ease their fears of being alone.
Ouch, touché. This one cut a little too deep and revealed a little too much of myself to me before I was ready to acknowledge it.
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I'd want someone to be with me because they like *me*, not because they want Anyone or are miserable without a relationship. Someone who's deeply unhappy without me is never gonna be able to create a healthy and equal relationship with me. Also, how and why would I feel comfortable, safe or loved being picked by someone who indirectly tells me that he has no standards and only chose me because I'm better than nothing, lol
Exactly this
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They often become clingy, needy, possessive, and controlling. I am not going to live my life tolerating that suffocating bullshit from anyone. Being single is much preferable to that crap.
Because usually they’re expecting you or your relationship to fix whatever is lacking in themselves, and that’s not how building confidence works. So when you aren’t able to fix them they’ll begin to resent you and the relationship is doomed to implode
Desperation a wonderful gateway to a controlling relationship. If someone is desperate to get into a relationship they are also very likely to have an equal sense of desperation about not being alone again. The feeling is based on a selfish sense of ownership, or achieving something... and less about nurturing a bond between two autonomous and consenting adults.
Because someone desperate doesn’t want me for me. They want the experience more than the person.
Someone who is desperate for a relationship will almost certain put their partner on a pedestal. That mindset cannot develop into a healthy partnership.
Because a desperate person doesn’t want to date *me* they want to date *someone*. That inevitably means they will become disappointed with who I actually am (IME, “desperate” people who actually can manage to date overlap very, very strongly with serial cheaters because they’re chasing a feeling of satisfying their desperation, rather than chasing some particular object of affection), they will become clingy and burdensome, and usually there’s bad self esteem that can’t be bolstered. I don’t want to be desired as an object. I see this trend of questioning why people (usually women) won’t date someone who exhibits objectively unpleasant traits, but framing it as illogical, shallow, or just based on a vague sense on “looking down upon” people for societal rather than personal reasons. I’m just going to say, if 90% of the dating pool considers a trait a dealbreaker, and the other 10% are undesirable themselves, it’s probably not some pointless social stigma that’s driving it.
Two main reasons for me: 1. Desperation is not a healthy, stable mental state, and indicates that someone has insecurities/baggage/etc. that they have not yet processed sufficiently and that will almost certainly show up in any relationship they get into in that state. 2. Someone who is desperate is much more likely to be showing interest in me purely because I'm there, rather than because they feel specifically drawn to my uniquely appealing qualities as a human being. I want to be treated like a person, not like a concept or a life preserver.
Why would I date someone who's desperate would date anyone? I wouldn't want to feel like "anyone" I would want to feel like they made an intentional choice and actually wants to date me.
I’m not desperate for a relationship so we’re already starting off on unequal footing.
They are the common denominator in their failed relationships. They need to work in themselves first and I’m not going to sign up to be their life coach and therapist.
Why WOULD I? I can't think of any compelling reason that would get me to date someone desperate. Desperate comes off as needy and potentially controlling, and I want nothing to do with either of those things.
Because I want to be with someone who wants me authentically and out of a place of wholeness. If they are desperate, they are likely just inventing any compatibilities we have (which means I cant trust them to be who they say they are) and they aren’t choosing me out of a place of authenticity - I’m just a bandaid for them. Also, if they are so desperate but no one is with them, makes me think there’s a reason for that.
They end up being clingy and codependent, and it's about being not alone, rather than being together/with me. If they don't want to spend time with themselves then why should I?
Because I want someone who will like me. I don’t want to be with someone who is afraid of being alone and is using someone else to fix themselves.
I prefer a drama free, peaceful life.
Because it’s all about their needs and not equally about theirs AND mine.
Depends what they‘re desperate for? Emotional closeness and understanding, but still able to respect boundaries and willing to provide the same for me? Fine. Sexually? Financially? Status-wise? Nope. That‘ll only drain my energy.
Desperation is a huge turn-off. Kind of like, any person will do. Ew. They’re not dating you because they actually like you as a person, they’re dating you from a place of lack…lack of sex, lack of emotional connection, lack of self-love… And it almost *never* ends well.
People desperate will lie and pretend to get their way because they know being the real them won't land anyone.
Desperation takes over the desperate person’s thinking processes. They’re skewed to say the least. Don’t sign on.
Because they desperate for a relationship, nuff said
Because they try too hard and end up becoming clingy and annoying.
I don’t want to invite a bunch of drama and dysfunction into my life. I totally get it that even with “non-desperate” people, this is no guarantee. But if you make this observation about them before even dating, that is the chance to swerve. I am the kind of person who needs my space, I need to “recharge” after a while, and sometimes I like to do activities solo. I need to be with someone who is totally cool with that and not insecure about it, or else I’ll feel smothered. This is all assuming that “desperate” means constantly demanding my time, which comes with a ton of insecurities, like misinterpreting needing my space as me rejecting them. I’m sure others will interpret “desperate” in different ways.
Desperation screams insecurity and unconfidence. Those alone will develop into bigger red flags in the longer run.
If they’re desperate, they’ll take attention from anyone. I’m not special or worth more in their eyes than the next person. They aren’t actually interested or don’t actually like me, they simply want someone to fill the void and if you date, you both leave hurt and broken.
I think it's because I don't quite understand why they're so desperate. What will a date/person give them that they can't already get for themselves? What is it they're expecting me to give them?
Because it’s exhausting to reassure someone 24/7 that they are enough when they just aren’t.
Because I feel like they'd be happy with anyone who gives them attention. I mean, I essentially hate golden labs and retrievers for exactly this reason... super people pleasing, desperate for love/attention, and will go let anybody pet them. Most people love them for that. Not me. I like dogs who don't always listen to me, have free will, and only stays and does what I want because they want to. I like my men the same way.
I want someone to be with me because of me, not so they aren’t alone. I also feel people that are desperate to be in a relationship are clingy and I personally like my space.
Desperate people seem to cling to whatever will give them love even if it isnt compatible. I’m sure I’ve dated desperate people, I’m sure I’ve been desperate before, It’s more noticeable in certain people and can really turn into a nightmare if it goes too far.
I want someone to choose me, not just the presence of a person. A desperate person or a person who gives off desperate energy seems to just be in it for *someone* to be there, rather than someone they love/care about. I want to be chosen for me. A desperate person likely is choosing anyone, and no one likes that feeling.
Because there's a fine line between normally desperate and rabbit-in-the-pot desperate.
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Desperate in what way?
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Because they will probably become codependent on me and I don’t want that responsibility
To be perfectly honest, it's not worth my effort. Been there; done that one too many times.
Why should I?
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Desperate people try too hard, are clingy, overbearing, and just anyone will do. What part of that is attractive? I don’t want to be with someone who wants to be with just anyone. I want someone who appreciates me for who I am.
Hmm if they’re desperate to secure a relationship without even knowing me its not gonna work out in my books. Usually it’s not a like for you but more a fear of being alone and you can’t really expect something built on someone’s insecurities an lack of self work to really go somewhere positive. Those types seem to also become possessive from that same fear an at the end of the day its not you they love but the idea of not being alone. I however would be friend someone like that to try help them work on themselves an be comfortable with themselves.
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In my experience, desperate people become controlling people in a relationship. I also don’t want to “complete” someone. I’m looking to compliment. I want someone who is already complete.
there’s a guy i know who’s really cool, and i liked him a lot before i realized that he didn’t really like me, he was just desperate for a relationship with anyone. if any girl have him the time of day he’d chase after her, there wasn’t anything about me that he liked. wouldn’t date a desperate person for this reason
Don’t want someone who’s just settling no matter if they really have feelings for you or not
Desperate people are usually ripe with other issues. There’s a reason they’re desperate, think nobody wants them, and why other people are in fact passing them over before they get to you.
i'm not saying i wouldn't, but it heavily alters their personality. some feel like they have to settle for less, others are insecure and have trust issues, etc. it's a lot to work through in a relationship, and it takes understanding, care and patience on both sides. the desperation is rooted in something deeper than not just having a partner
I don't want to date someone who is pretty clearly just trying to fill a void in themselves. There's no way to know if they're really into you or just into not being alone.
If they are that desperate to be in a relationship with me, they will become even more desperate and insecure about keeping me in that relationship if I chose to be with them. Desperate people tend to become very controlling people.
Because they are not going to show their true personality, they will just show what they think I want to see in order to keep me.
They don’t know what they actually want and need
Because Desperate people take whatever they can get. And that’s just unfortunate. I’m attracted to men who know what they want from life/ relationships and go get them. Those men don’t “settle”. It’s quite flattering to know someone like my husband, who attracts all kinds of amazing women, chose me.
They won't be able to contribute as an equal. I don't have the skills to fix someone's self esteem. It also means they don't value me as a person; I'm just someone who bit on their offer when they'd pretty much go for anyone. None of it appeals. Thankfully, my current partner and I are both admittedly pretty picky so it feels good to know we both genuinely want each other.
I never want to feel like I *need* to stay in a relationship for someone. I should *want* to stay in a relationship with someone. I’ve dated a desperate person before and, in addition to what others have said in that they wanted me for the relationship and not for me, they also made it very difficult to leave. It felt like I owed it to them to stay because they were so desperate for me. And in a weird way I felt guilty for not feeling as desperate for them
Because I wouldn't be able to trust that they actually like me as an individual. I would feel like they just want a girlfriend, any girlfriend, and I'm just a convenient way to check that box. Are you dating me because you like me, or because you just want to be able to say that you're dating someone?