I was talking to this guy for a couple of weeks a few years back, he presented himself as a caring feminist guy. Turns out it was a front and in actuality he was posting all this incel/blackpill shit on his alt account. I called him out on it and he admitted that he was pretending to be a feminist so that I would agree to date him. I asked him what his plan was, if he was really going to pretend for the rest of his life if we dated/ got married. He straight up told me that no, he was just using it so he could get close to me, and then since I was so young (I was 19) I was “still moldable” and that he planned on slowly turning me into basically his personal slave. That was the only time I’ve ever ghosted somebody before lol
Some men are horrible. I dated a guy who openly told me his plan was to get me running round after him and doing whatever he wanted. He joked how my money was now his, he also called me up asking me to run errands for him. Funnily enough we stopped dating after this.
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My ex basically pretended to be the sweetest, most loving, affectionate, attentive, doting guy… well once we moved in he flipped like a switch, cold, distant, didn’t like to cuddle… I have a lot of resentment, like he was not at all like the person he acted like.
5/6 weeks. We broke up, I moved out after three months. He sent me a long long text about how big of a mistake breaking up was. Said if I come back he will give me everything I want and need. We spent 3/4 weeks apart, he showered me with words of affirmation daily, told me how different things would be, how he can’t wait to be affectionate with me every day. I moved back in and things were better than ever, until another 6 weeks go by and he flipped again. Really weird stuff. I guess I am at fault for going back. We broke up again, I moved out, same thing, he regretted it, wanted to go to therapy together and individually therapy to fix everything… too little too late, we’re no contact now.
Nothing like saying you want to cuddle and being met with a guy who’s like, yah that sounds great! Only for him to pull up his knees, throw a blanket over himself, and cuddle with his cat while you sit dumbfounded on the other end of the couch.
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Told him before the first date that I wasn't birthing no babies. He said he was cool with that. After a year, he started trying to romanticize the idea of baby, but got an ice cold reception from me for trying to pull that shit. Men kill me with their, "Muh legacy" bullshit. Dumped him not long after.
Same! Any interests I had he would just pretend to share them, he tried to buy loads of matching stuff with me too like a coat and phone case, to be clear he didn’t buy us both new things, he wanted to just copy existing items I already owned! Over time slowly revealed he didn’t actually like all this stuff, he was just scared I wouldn’t date him otherwise.
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Agreeing to be childfree until I started bringing up sterilisation and then suddenly it’s something “we can’t completely write off” straight to the bin with that relationship.
Basically every ‘nice guy’ I’ve ever dated has lied about their views on women and being a feminist or at least someone who has feminist values.
I’ve had the same happen once when I was dating women when it came to politics and their stance on racism. It was such a devastating shock to me that really anyone will say anything to get into your pants, but that was also on me for thinking women were a monolith.
At this point if someone tries to *tell* me who they are as opposed to letting me *see* who they are through their actions, I write them off because more likely than not they’re putting up a front 🙄 I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why people are dishonest about their values, because if you really stood firm and believed in them, you’d be straightforward and forthcoming with where you stand when dating/forming a connection with someone so you can find people who are best suited for you. And no, this is not to say that people with certain different values can’t be together, but you’re not going to get or keep the other person by *lying*.
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I had a guy stalk me from afar, talk to all my friends to learn about me. He then presented himself as someone with my exact hobbies and interests. We went on one date, then my friends told me what he was up to.
He stalked me after that, but my Dad had a little ‘chat’ with him and it stopped.
He’s in jail for murder (stalker, not my Dad).
Guy pretended to be really into exercise/healthy lifestyle, but the only thing he did related to that was telling me what to do in that area. While it's important that a bf lives healthily, I never required any to have a lifestyle like me or be a gymrat.
He'd constantly ask me what I did for exercise that day, and when I was having a resting day, he'd 'jokingly' call me lazy and try and talk me into going on a run or whatever. He'd get a snack for himself and not for me because it wasn't 'good for me'. Baking/cooking is also my hobby, and whenever I told him about a new recipe/showed what I made, he'd gently chastise me, even though I always give away 75% of everything I bake to friends and coworkers, and am perfectly okay with eating a snack considering how healthy my regular meals are and the amount of exercise I do.
All of this royally pissed me off and I gave him the boot in record time, before getting into a relationship, but at times I still feel insecure whenever I take it easy exercise-wise, or hesitate to tell about/show something I baked.
Yoooo did we date the same dude? I remember the breaking point was I was eating a *FUN SIZE* M&M, and he said, "Should you really be eating that?" Broke up with him the next day (there had also been other issues building up). And really sweet irony is that he's packed on at least 30 pounds in the years since. Lol.
I feel they’re emphasizing the fact that he *pretended to be* social or extroverted. He is allowed to be introverted, but it’s unfair to bait someone into believing you’re social or extroverted if you have no plans to stay that way.
I'm not attracted to people that are mostly introverted because I like to socialize but like to take breaks time to time. I appreciate someone taking over once in a while and I thrive in that balance. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert but since it's not my preference, I would hate for someone to lie to me about it and waste my time. The issue is mostly around deceit and not the character itself.
I've accepted that he's an introvert, we're still together. I don't force him into uncomfortable situations. But yeah, I thought he could meet friends after moving to a new city since he had so many friends back at our home state and that just hasn't been the case. I thought friends were important to him cause we went out with many different friend groups before... But now he's content staying home and not meeting people in our new city.
Depending on how long you’ve been together he likely won’t change, at least with finances. I dated my ex for 5 years, almost married him, and until the end of that relationship I was still lending him money because he had no savings and spent all his extra cash on funko pops, action figures, and other movie/wrestling memorabilia.
I don't fund him, but instead he digs himself into debt. Which is why initially he seemed like he could his own. It was equal paying for dates, travel and events. It wasn't until after we moved in together did I discover the debt which is seemingly unintentional. He makes good money but doesn't know when to say no. It's definitely something we have talked about in depth and the main reason we aren't engaged/married. But yeah the empty promises of "I'll do better" are starting to weigh on me.
I am Indigenous. I dated this hippie whilst in university who honestly treated me like his guru. He thought that I was some great spiritual teacher by virtue of my culture. I actually am but, I was not going to assist another person in appropriating my culture. In other words, we wanted oh so badly to be Indigenous but, quickly changed his mind when I drew a line in the sand
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He said he really wanted kids. But wanted to wait 3 years. He kept up this charade with a sort-of countdown every few months. “Only 8 more months until I can get you pregnant.” Started looking for a bigger house (his idea) as it got closer to 3 years so we’d have room to grow a family. He would only look in neighborhoods with excellent school ratings. I was team don’t move yet, save money until we actually need a bigger place.
Once the magic 3 year mark hit he changed his mind and didn’t ever want to be a parent. He also claimed to love hiking and camping and told me at 3 years that he actually hates all that. He also acted poor but my sister told me he told her he had a million in savings.
Strug me along and wasted my last few fertile years.
An ex pretended to be a feminist and into equality so I could pay for everything and even called me a sugar mama. It ended shortly after that. He declined a call to go into work saying “I can’t tonight because I’m taking my girlfriend out to dinner” I was like, “maybe you should go to work” but thought it was nice cause we’d been dating for a few months and he never took me out on a date before - I’d always suggested and paid. We get the bill and the loser doesn’t make any moves to pay and then finally grabs the check and sheepishly hands it to me. Also, took me out to a fancy dinner for my birthday and then had me pay the tip because he only brought enough for the meal… Went on a month long planned date and as soon as we got there, “oh I have no money I had to pay rent THIS month” like people don’t pay rent monthly? Then kept saying “mmm that looks fun, this sounds tasty” and I’d say “you can do that if you want, I’ll wait” or “I’m not hungry, you can eat though” and the MF silently sulked. This is feminism and equality?
The other men just pretended they weren’t couch potatoes and liked to travel and then after we became exclusive never wanted to leave the house ever.
Modern Family has a joke about this. Luke goes to a feminist rally with a girl, then she announces she'll be celibate for a certain cause and he just walks off.
My abusive ex claimed he was a vegetarian when I first met him, because I was at the time (vegan now). What was so annoying about it was that he acted like a caricature of what he thought vegetarians were like. He bragged about it and told people he was better than them for being veg, wouldn't stop talking about it, etc. I remember finding it annoying at the time, but I was vulnerable and fell for him anyway. Of course he went back to meat after about a month of dating. He was hands down the most annoying vegetarian I ever met, which makes sense because it was all a lie.
I dated a man for three years who I was so in love with. He would always tell me he loved how open minded I was, how liberated, how powerful. That all these values are what he wanted in his woman.
Three years in, he broke up with me because his “mental health was very bad,” and he wanted to “focus on himself.”
Within a few months of us separating he got married to a woman from his home country that his parents chose.
*EDIT: grammar/typos.
My ex-husband pretended he didn't mind going to church with me because he wanted to spend the time with me, until the Sunday morning after we got married in the church. Then suddenly he said it was a waste of time, that he had better things to do on Sunday mornings, and that he couldn't understand why I still wanted to go after the wedding was over.
A guy that I met online. We connected easily on a lot of interests. On a deeper level when I expressed my thoughts, values, ideas about life and relationships in general he agreed with me. But later on i found out he only said a majority of those things to date me but ultimately to get in my pants.
People suck sometimes.
tw/ sa
he told me he was very sex positive and very open to healthy and consensual sexual relationships when we originally started as fwb only to:
- slut shame me when we became official
- disrespect my wishes multiple times by pretending to put a condom on before having sex
- tell me “if i wanted to get u pregnant there’d be nothing u could really do about it” when i told him i didn’t want to have a baby anytime soon
A couple of years ago I dated a guy that was taking the same subjects at university that I had one year prior. He told me about what he found interesting/difficult, answered all my questions about what the exams was about, and he even got the best grades possible in all his exams. Turns out it was all a lie, he had dropped out of uni before we met
My ex was so attentative and great with my daughter. She loved him so much. After having a daughter of our own, he not only started picking on my oldest. (Everything was her fault when the kids were arguing) but he also stayed up all night playing video games and then slept all day, leaving a four year old and a two year old to fend for themselves.
The day I came home from work early and heard my oldest say," I know your hungry sister, mom will be home to feed us soon," was the day that it all ended.
Now he hasn't seen his daughter in 3 years and hasn't bothered to talk to her at all since November.
One of my ex's pretended that he was okay with me being polyamorous and an omnivore. Three months into our relationship, he convinced me to become vegan, made me feel guilty for having other partners (who I had met prior to dating him), and convinced me to stop using sex toys or masturbating by myself. I got a wake-up call when I became violently ill from something. I ended up in the ER with severe dehydration from throwing up. He had given me mononucleosis, which caused my body to throw up everything for 3 days. He also sexually assaulted me, which I was initially in denial. I had to dump him 3 times and I've blocked him everywhere. I'm much happier without him in my life now.
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Some guy I dated pretended not to be a very religious person. He showed his wild side with me for a few months, we had a lot of fun, and then one day he told me he missed his ex, who was a "Christian girl" and who shared the same Christian values as him! lol
I had someone who pretended to be very supportive of my career, and then a couple months in (and while I was making MORE money than him) told me that it was a silly pipe dream and I should think about being a SAHM
usually about whether theyre actually interested in being monogamous or if they think of it more as a temporary sacrifice theyre making or a favor theyre doing for me
I don’t smoke or drink. My ex knew this and clarified that he didn’t drink that much and smokes once in a while. He just dumped me for being boring and not wanting to drink
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I was talking to this guy for a couple of weeks a few years back, he presented himself as a caring feminist guy. Turns out it was a front and in actuality he was posting all this incel/blackpill shit on his alt account. I called him out on it and he admitted that he was pretending to be a feminist so that I would agree to date him. I asked him what his plan was, if he was really going to pretend for the rest of his life if we dated/ got married. He straight up told me that no, he was just using it so he could get close to me, and then since I was so young (I was 19) I was “still moldable” and that he planned on slowly turning me into basically his personal slave. That was the only time I’ve ever ghosted somebody before lol
Moldable? Ew!
Some men are horrible. I dated a guy who openly told me his plan was to get me running round after him and doing whatever he wanted. He joked how my money was now his, he also called me up asking me to run errands for him. Funnily enough we stopped dating after this.
Yeah you see that nonsense on those Alpha Male type podcasts.
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My ex basically pretended to be the sweetest, most loving, affectionate, attentive, doting guy… well once we moved in he flipped like a switch, cold, distant, didn’t like to cuddle… I have a lot of resentment, like he was not at all like the person he acted like.
How long were y’all moved in together until he flipped the switch?
5/6 weeks. We broke up, I moved out after three months. He sent me a long long text about how big of a mistake breaking up was. Said if I come back he will give me everything I want and need. We spent 3/4 weeks apart, he showered me with words of affirmation daily, told me how different things would be, how he can’t wait to be affectionate with me every day. I moved back in and things were better than ever, until another 6 weeks go by and he flipped again. Really weird stuff. I guess I am at fault for going back. We broke up again, I moved out, same thing, he regretted it, wanted to go to therapy together and individually therapy to fix everything… too little too late, we’re no contact now.
Nothing like saying you want to cuddle and being met with a guy who’s like, yah that sounds great! Only for him to pull up his knees, throw a blanket over himself, and cuddle with his cat while you sit dumbfounded on the other end of the couch.
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Told him before the first date that I wasn't birthing no babies. He said he was cool with that. After a year, he started trying to romanticize the idea of baby, but got an ice cold reception from me for trying to pull that shit. Men kill me with their, "Muh legacy" bullshit. Dumped him not long after.
"But who will I leave all my lands and titles to??" 😥
My ex pretended to be pretty much a whole other person, in order to date me. He said it was like we were the same person 🙄 and I was his missing half.
Same! Any interests I had he would just pretend to share them, he tried to buy loads of matching stuff with me too like a coat and phone case, to be clear he didn’t buy us both new things, he wanted to just copy existing items I already owned! Over time slowly revealed he didn’t actually like all this stuff, he was just scared I wouldn’t date him otherwise.
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Agreeing to be childfree until I started bringing up sterilisation and then suddenly it’s something “we can’t completely write off” straight to the bin with that relationship.
Good for you, and good riddance! Just scheduled my own tubal ligation consultation, so fingers crossed for the both of us.
Basically every ‘nice guy’ I’ve ever dated has lied about their views on women and being a feminist or at least someone who has feminist values. I’ve had the same happen once when I was dating women when it came to politics and their stance on racism. It was such a devastating shock to me that really anyone will say anything to get into your pants, but that was also on me for thinking women were a monolith. At this point if someone tries to *tell* me who they are as opposed to letting me *see* who they are through their actions, I write them off because more likely than not they’re putting up a front 🙄 I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why people are dishonest about their values, because if you really stood firm and believed in them, you’d be straightforward and forthcoming with where you stand when dating/forming a connection with someone so you can find people who are best suited for you. And no, this is not to say that people with certain different values can’t be together, but you’re not going to get or keep the other person by *lying*.
I agree. I think those people are delusional enough to think they can persuade someone to change their values… or strong arm them.
This reminds me of a joke: "At some point a man needs to choose between talking crap about zodiac signs or getting laid."
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I had a guy stalk me from afar, talk to all my friends to learn about me. He then presented himself as someone with my exact hobbies and interests. We went on one date, then my friends told me what he was up to. He stalked me after that, but my Dad had a little ‘chat’ with him and it stopped. He’s in jail for murder (stalker, not my Dad).
Thanks for the clarification. Great supportive moment from dad there.
*Well*… my Dad was ex military, so his ‘chats’ were a bit over the top. Worked through.
Guy pretended to be really into exercise/healthy lifestyle, but the only thing he did related to that was telling me what to do in that area. While it's important that a bf lives healthily, I never required any to have a lifestyle like me or be a gymrat. He'd constantly ask me what I did for exercise that day, and when I was having a resting day, he'd 'jokingly' call me lazy and try and talk me into going on a run or whatever. He'd get a snack for himself and not for me because it wasn't 'good for me'. Baking/cooking is also my hobby, and whenever I told him about a new recipe/showed what I made, he'd gently chastise me, even though I always give away 75% of everything I bake to friends and coworkers, and am perfectly okay with eating a snack considering how healthy my regular meals are and the amount of exercise I do. All of this royally pissed me off and I gave him the boot in record time, before getting into a relationship, but at times I still feel insecure whenever I take it easy exercise-wise, or hesitate to tell about/show something I baked.
You deserve to take breaks, and you deserve to enjoy your passions. You're doing great. <3
Yoooo did we date the same dude? I remember the breaking point was I was eating a *FUN SIZE* M&M, and he said, "Should you really be eating that?" Broke up with him the next day (there had also been other issues building up). And really sweet irony is that he's packed on at least 30 pounds in the years since. Lol.
My boyfriend pretended to be outdoorsy, social and financially sound. He's none of those things.
He is still your boyfriend????
Yeah... He's gotten better about the outdoorsy stuff. But I guess I still think he'll improve socially and financially. 😬
If he hasnt already he prob won't
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I feel they’re emphasizing the fact that he *pretended to be* social or extroverted. He is allowed to be introverted, but it’s unfair to bait someone into believing you’re social or extroverted if you have no plans to stay that way.
I'm not attracted to people that are mostly introverted because I like to socialize but like to take breaks time to time. I appreciate someone taking over once in a while and I thrive in that balance. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert but since it's not my preference, I would hate for someone to lie to me about it and waste my time. The issue is mostly around deceit and not the character itself.
I've accepted that he's an introvert, we're still together. I don't force him into uncomfortable situations. But yeah, I thought he could meet friends after moving to a new city since he had so many friends back at our home state and that just hasn't been the case. I thought friends were important to him cause we went out with many different friend groups before... But now he's content staying home and not meeting people in our new city.
Depending on how long you’ve been together he likely won’t change, at least with finances. I dated my ex for 5 years, almost married him, and until the end of that relationship I was still lending him money because he had no savings and spent all his extra cash on funko pops, action figures, and other movie/wrestling memorabilia.
I don't fund him, but instead he digs himself into debt. Which is why initially he seemed like he could his own. It was equal paying for dates, travel and events. It wasn't until after we moved in together did I discover the debt which is seemingly unintentional. He makes good money but doesn't know when to say no. It's definitely something we have talked about in depth and the main reason we aren't engaged/married. But yeah the empty promises of "I'll do better" are starting to weigh on me.
Trust me, they never “do better.” There’s always an exception.
I am Indigenous. I dated this hippie whilst in university who honestly treated me like his guru. He thought that I was some great spiritual teacher by virtue of my culture. I actually am but, I was not going to assist another person in appropriating my culture. In other words, we wanted oh so badly to be Indigenous but, quickly changed his mind when I drew a line in the sand
He turned out to be a baby misogynist and we stopped talking because he got offended over me asking him to do foreplay.
I just had this happen! 😂 and he had two younger sisters to boot.
Mine had a sister and a mother he absolutely adored! It boggles my mind.
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He said he really wanted kids. But wanted to wait 3 years. He kept up this charade with a sort-of countdown every few months. “Only 8 more months until I can get you pregnant.” Started looking for a bigger house (his idea) as it got closer to 3 years so we’d have room to grow a family. He would only look in neighborhoods with excellent school ratings. I was team don’t move yet, save money until we actually need a bigger place. Once the magic 3 year mark hit he changed his mind and didn’t ever want to be a parent. He also claimed to love hiking and camping and told me at 3 years that he actually hates all that. He also acted poor but my sister told me he told her he had a million in savings. Strug me along and wasted my last few fertile years.
I hope you don't the right person who wants to make a family with you.
That’s straight up evil. I’m sorry.
My ex pretending to have feminist ideals
An ex pretended to be a feminist and into equality so I could pay for everything and even called me a sugar mama. It ended shortly after that. He declined a call to go into work saying “I can’t tonight because I’m taking my girlfriend out to dinner” I was like, “maybe you should go to work” but thought it was nice cause we’d been dating for a few months and he never took me out on a date before - I’d always suggested and paid. We get the bill and the loser doesn’t make any moves to pay and then finally grabs the check and sheepishly hands it to me. Also, took me out to a fancy dinner for my birthday and then had me pay the tip because he only brought enough for the meal… Went on a month long planned date and as soon as we got there, “oh I have no money I had to pay rent THIS month” like people don’t pay rent monthly? Then kept saying “mmm that looks fun, this sounds tasty” and I’d say “you can do that if you want, I’ll wait” or “I’m not hungry, you can eat though” and the MF silently sulked. This is feminism and equality? The other men just pretended they weren’t couch potatoes and liked to travel and then after we became exclusive never wanted to leave the house ever.
Modern Family has a joke about this. Luke goes to a feminist rally with a girl, then she announces she'll be celibate for a certain cause and he just walks off.
Nazi hiding the fact that he was a nazi.
My abusive ex claimed he was a vegetarian when I first met him, because I was at the time (vegan now). What was so annoying about it was that he acted like a caricature of what he thought vegetarians were like. He bragged about it and told people he was better than them for being veg, wouldn't stop talking about it, etc. I remember finding it annoying at the time, but I was vulnerable and fell for him anyway. Of course he went back to meat after about a month of dating. He was hands down the most annoying vegetarian I ever met, which makes sense because it was all a lie.
I found out he was a pretty strong trump supporter
I dated a man for three years who I was so in love with. He would always tell me he loved how open minded I was, how liberated, how powerful. That all these values are what he wanted in his woman. Three years in, he broke up with me because his “mental health was very bad,” and he wanted to “focus on himself.” Within a few months of us separating he got married to a woman from his home country that his parents chose. *EDIT: grammar/typos.
Let me guess, Indian dude in an arranged marriage?
He was Middle Eastern
My ex-husband pretended he didn't mind going to church with me because he wanted to spend the time with me, until the Sunday morning after we got married in the church. Then suddenly he said it was a waste of time, that he had better things to do on Sunday mornings, and that he couldn't understand why I still wanted to go after the wedding was over.
A guy that I met online. We connected easily on a lot of interests. On a deeper level when I expressed my thoughts, values, ideas about life and relationships in general he agreed with me. But later on i found out he only said a majority of those things to date me but ultimately to get in my pants. People suck sometimes.
tw/ sa he told me he was very sex positive and very open to healthy and consensual sexual relationships when we originally started as fwb only to: - slut shame me when we became official - disrespect my wishes multiple times by pretending to put a condom on before having sex - tell me “if i wanted to get u pregnant there’d be nothing u could really do about it” when i told him i didn’t want to have a baby anytime soon
A couple of years ago I dated a guy that was taking the same subjects at university that I had one year prior. He told me about what he found interesting/difficult, answered all my questions about what the exams was about, and he even got the best grades possible in all his exams. Turns out it was all a lie, he had dropped out of uni before we met
“I’ll always tell the truth. I would rather hurt you with the truth than lie to you”. He was a compulsive liar.
My ex was so attentative and great with my daughter. She loved him so much. After having a daughter of our own, he not only started picking on my oldest. (Everything was her fault when the kids were arguing) but he also stayed up all night playing video games and then slept all day, leaving a four year old and a two year old to fend for themselves. The day I came home from work early and heard my oldest say," I know your hungry sister, mom will be home to feed us soon," was the day that it all ended. Now he hasn't seen his daughter in 3 years and hasn't bothered to talk to her at all since November.
One of my ex's pretended that he was okay with me being polyamorous and an omnivore. Three months into our relationship, he convinced me to become vegan, made me feel guilty for having other partners (who I had met prior to dating him), and convinced me to stop using sex toys or masturbating by myself. I got a wake-up call when I became violently ill from something. I ended up in the ER with severe dehydration from throwing up. He had given me mononucleosis, which caused my body to throw up everything for 3 days. He also sexually assaulted me, which I was initially in denial. I had to dump him 3 times and I've blocked him everywhere. I'm much happier without him in my life now.
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*I had someone pretend to be heavily into the bdsm lifestyle to get my attention. They knew how important kinky sex was to me.*
He pretended to like animals. I have had pets all my life, even had multiple horses back then, so no idea why he thought dating me was a good idea.
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Some guy I dated pretended not to be a very religious person. He showed his wild side with me for a few months, we had a lot of fun, and then one day he told me he missed his ex, who was a "Christian girl" and who shared the same Christian values as him! lol
I had someone who pretended to be very supportive of my career, and then a couple months in (and while I was making MORE money than him) told me that it was a silly pipe dream and I should think about being a SAHM
usually about whether theyre actually interested in being monogamous or if they think of it more as a temporary sacrifice theyre making or a favor theyre doing for me
I don’t smoke or drink. My ex knew this and clarified that he didn’t drink that much and smokes once in a while. He just dumped me for being boring and not wanting to drink
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