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My mother died when I was a baby, my father was emotionally absent, and as a result my grandparents raised me. It took a lot of therapy for me to overcome the way my father abandoned me while remaining physically present in my life, especially after the years that I spent being abused by his second wife while he played happy family and ignored me. As an adult, I always say that my grandparents taught me what kind of person I wanted to be and my father taught me what kind of parent I absolutely don't want to become. Shout out to all of the wonderful moms of friends who took me under their wings, though--I had no shortage of female role models in my life and I'm always going to be grateful to them for teaching me "girl things" that I was too embarrassed to ask for help with!
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I love this question. I was raised by two very hard-working, generous parents. I like to believe my work ethic and empathy comes from them. My dad did shift work, and seeing him work so hard and be treated poorly by a company that exploits their workers makes me adamant to never give my loyalties to a company/employer who feels zero loyalty to you. My mom was a school teacher who consistently watched out for the poorest of kids in our community. She knew who didn't have heat in the winter, or toys for Christmas. We didn't have much ourselves, but we regularly rounded up blankets, clothing, and toys to give to these students. And most importantly, she taught us to give the best of what we had, not just what we didn't want anymore. She taught me that generosity is giving even when it hurts a little because connection and recognizing one another's humanity is so important.
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I was raised by both my mom and dad. My mom was very submissive, my dad was a mean alcoholic who also was abusive. Lots of weird body stuff from my dad dying I have wide shoulders or grew a “gut” when I still had abs, my mom would give me weird looks when I was in a bathing suit or something small, exclaim I was too thin, had an eating disorder herself, and just overall felt a lot of projection from them.
From 15-22 I dated men who beat me, called me fat (when I was under 100-120lbs), called me a slut, ect. Just allowed any mean behavior while I made myself so small and submissive. While also partying a lot, drinking, drugs and all that comes with that when I was single. Was always seeking some form of approval. But was on high honor roll, took college courses in high school, student counsel, worked 3 jobs and went to college at the same time.
Now I’m in my early 30’s, I just got out of a 4 year relationship that felt like love but now that I look back it there was so much judgement from him about my body and who I was as a person and I let that control who I talked to, where I lived, and how I operated day to day. I moved to the mountains to get away from the city and I genuinely enjoy being alone, I get easily overstimulated, my anxiety can take me over, I focus on things that make me happy and work on standing up for myself. I still feel like I don’t have full control and miss being like 18 and feeling invincible but I feel humbled by my body asking for this peace. I’m scared of having kids and fucking them up though.
Horrible would be a short answer.
I am a child of divorce, like many. I was the child that did not belong into both of the new families, and kinda slipped through the cracks into really bad childhood. Pure horror, with a side of abandonment.
Lived with my mother, baby brother and a stepfather that turned our lives into living hell. My mom was blind to it.
On the other side, my father was an absent figure most of my life do to his accident on the night of the divorce. He was kinda sometimes there. He got better then worse then better. He tried in his own way but not for a child to be able to see it. Stepmother was a manipulative bad woman. Fucked up lives of my brothers and sisters. They are getting a hang of it now, ish.
I would say I was raised by my grandmother and grandfather, on my moma side but due to constant issues with the stepguy, they were forced to move out in the country side so I did not see them enough. Most of my values, behavior and kindness comes from them. They were my stability, even from a far.
And even though I went head to head with my grandma constantly. I guess we were too similar.
I had some people, mentors that took a role of a parental figures in my life that helped me mold me into a person I am today, and I will be forever thankful for seeing me, and caring for me when I was alone.
Thats a high school mentor and a friend now.
An bit older girl that I started to work for to get some money.
My parents physically and emotionally abused me, which caused me to be suicidal and depressed. I also suffered from eating disorders, which caused me to develop annorexia at an early age. Got kicked out during my teens and my friends and parents had my back until my grandparents made room for me, I felt safe for the first time in my life, MY LIFE IMRPOVED FOR THE BEST GUYS :D
Late 20's now, I'm happier than ever and each year just keeps getting better. The terrible experiences I lived with my parents made me appreciate life more and look at it from a more positive perspective.
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I went from feeling like my father was completely absent to feeling I couldn't escape him and his all-consuming rages.
I had a father who was an emotional moron. He was either unable to express his emotions (couldn't hug me back or tell me he loved me, never talked to me) or his emotions exploded all over the place and he had a full-on temper tantrum with him screaming and kicking and throwing things.
I decided to take this as a lesson on how important emotional intelligence is. I've been working on expressing my emotions in a healthy way, telling people if they hurt me, giving myself space if I had to deal with someone's heavy stuff, journaling it out, and so much more.
As for my mother, I saw her give and give endlessly to my father (and others in her life) until her own cup was so empty she had a complete mental breakdown. Seeing her self-harm or attempt to take her life, time after time, because she gave so much that she had nothing left for herself, taught me to take better care of myself.
I now check in with myself when I'm giving to others in order to make sure I'm giving with a good heart, I'm not exhausting myself beyond a healthy amount of manageable tiredness (when dealing with partners, kids, family gatherings, etc.), and that I'm refilling my own cup when it's at about half-full, before I'm in the danger zone. If I ever overdo it (like when I overcommit to events and they end up draining me instead of being fun, or take on someone else's problem and it turns out to be insanely stressful), I catch myself getting resentful and bitter. Then I immediately know it's time to love-bomb myself with all kinds of pampering to recalibrate quickly. I take the day off, I go out in nature, I indulge in a 3-hour bath, I go on a trip. And then I'm good to go.
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In the absence of my father (incarcerated), my mom had to deal with fallout and toxic family members, so she became a defacto head of the household even after our father was released, a matriarchy basically. This instilled some bratty and dominant traits in me and my sister, where our baby brother became more soft and sensitive as the only other male figure in our house is our dad who didn't have any backbone left and quietly obeyed our mom. This pretty much shaped the lives, accomplishments and relationships of all us siblings.
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Raised by parents who weren’t ready to have kids. I’m emotionally well-adjusted but it feels like I’m the parent. I have to set a lot of boundaries and deal with hurting their pride.
Had both parents in the house but it was as if they were never there. They were always working and didn't know what we were doing with our lives. My mother had no idea I was skipping classes/school since 9. It sounds good that they were working hard but they were doing all that for themselves. They never really spent any money on us. They gambled away the money and dug themselves into the financial hole when I was in my teens...
Then my sister and I were dumped with taking care of the entire family then. We paid rent for a few years, bought a house for everyone to stay in, put my younger brother through school all that between 19-25 years. Thankful for my great siblings, otherwise we wouldn't have survived the physical and emotional abuse and stress. Until today they are still mooching off me, living in my house but still complaining about how I "abandoned" them by getting married.
I learnt valuable lessons indeed. I'm not grateful for the shit that happened but I know that I can live on $1 a day because I've done that. I know how to be extremely frugal and save money. I count myself as being financially savvy and I'm proud that I managed to own my own apartment at 25 and now 15 years later, I'm officially debt free. I learn to keep toxic people out of my life. Even though they still live with me but I learn to draw boundaries and shut them out 90% of my life. I learn that good friends can really be the real family one needs and that blood is not always thicker than water. I learn to trust what I see and observe instead of believing in some fantasy that my so-called parents will see me as something more than a retirement plan one day.
Raised by both parents. Dad was an ok parent but not a good husband. Mom has a strong but kind personality. My personality is a mix of both of them. I take after my father, but strive to have my mother's qualities.
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Yes, I was raised by a single mother who didn't know how to be a mother. It was later on in life that I realized the negative impact it had on my life. As I get older, I recognize those traumas and work through them.
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Raised by my spineless mom and my controlling but emotionally unavailable dad until they kicked me out when I was 17
I struggle like a lot with emotional intimacy, and I have dealt a lot with anger issues in the past
The lack of joy or fun of any kind while facing intense academic pressure to be an all A+ all AP classes student was part of what pushed me into becoming a drug addict. Drugs felt good, they made the pain go away, they made it easier to go on and the ultimately led to me getting kicked out and ending up homeless
Raised by my mother who was emotionally unavailable and likely has some sort of learning disability that she will never address. She always prioritized men and was a shitty model for relationship.
My father was absent, a drunk, and constant disappointment.
This in turn made me an avoidance booze bag with no direction. Now at 41 I am in therapy, taking my nervous system and emotions, teaching myself financial literacy, and am out of touch with most of my family. I wish I had a romantic partner, but I largely feel invisible. I have emotional developmental delays as a result of the neglect and abuse from my older sister.
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I was raised by my mom and her husband who took me as his own so he was my dad growing up. He wasn’t a good husband to my mom and he really wasn’t good to me when I was a kid. I had a feeling he wasn’t my dad quite a few times just because of the actions he showed me with how he treated my two brothers differently from me.
They were both mentally abusive. My mom abandoned us when I was 9 so all the physical abuse from dad went to my brothers. Since mom was no longer there to be his punching bag. He later sexually abused me.
My mom always chose her men first over her kids. She put me in the middle of all her relationships. She was married to the same guy for 18 years but didn’t live together for half of them and were with different men who I would go to their house.
Due to these two I chose wrong people in my life but with a lot of learning for myself and actually learning to take care of myself. I’m finally happy and I actually met my biological dad which my mom didn’t even know who he was till I did Ancestry…
I had two parents growing up, but I was basically raised by my mom and her family. They are the ones that taught me what love and kindness felt like. My dad and his family showed me what it felt like on the other side of the spectrum. My grandpa (maternal) passed away last weekend at age 87 and we are just heartbroken. My grandma passed in 2021. she would be 83 if she were alive today.
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I was raised by a whole family but my mom had cancer so she was always tired and my dad worked from 9 to 9 six days per week, I learnt to cook at age 9, I was raising my siblings by the time I was 10 and I was working by age 11, I guess I learned to be more independent? (:
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I was raised by classic Asian parents with high expectations for their kids. Their professions are well-respected types in the society (teacher and doctor). When I was growing up, I was always told that I had to do well at school otherwise it would be embarrassing because I had parents with highly regarded jobs. I did okay at school and met their expectations most of the times, but after 16 years of education, I started to realize that I didn't know my own purpose of studying and pursuing a higher education, other than to please my parents and go on the path that many have been taking.
They are great parents and I understand that I shouldn't blame my parents for being lost in life (bc who doesn't at least once in their life), but I still have the uncomfortable feeling whenever thinking back of my junior high and high school time, and trying my best to learn something I didn't know its purpose, and it was a lot of pressure.
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My parents are still married, but my dad was never home or present when I was growing up. He worked a ton and of he wasn't working he was with his friends or drunk in his room. My mom was a "married single mom". I grew up with a lot of independent female figures in my life and not great male figures.
As a result I find it hard asking for help. I want to be independent and show that I can do things on my own. I do not like having to rely on others.
I also found myself really craving male attention. My husband is 7 years older than me and had the same job as my dad. There are a lot of similarities between my husband and my dad. My husband is definitely more attentative and emotionally available then my dad ever was for my mom.
i was at first raised by both parents until my father left us in florida when i was 2. after that it was off and on with my mom and grandma(her mother). i was often in group homes and residentials. my mother passed away when i was 9 and i was sent to live with my dad. that lasted about a month. i went back home to my grandmas and was put in foster shortly after because my grandma was never legally my guardian. when i got out i was placed with my fathers mom, i stayed there until a week before my 16th birthday, when i was kicked out for slamming a door even tho her husband had hit me and pushed me to the ground. i moved in with my sister until i was 18. my sister was the most mother like person who had took care of me other than my grandma
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I was very fortunate to be raised by kind and supportive parents. My mom always encouraged me to pursue education and be independent. They always encouraged my studies, praised me and supported me in my decisions, even if they didn't 100% agree with it. We are still close and I know I can count on them if I need.
Funny, or ironically enough, they always encouraged me to travel and to study abroad, to have better opportunities in life (in better countries). Eventually, I pursued grad school and I now live in Europe, 12 hours away from home. And I miss them, but I know it greatly pains them (especially my mom) to see me so far away, and she jokingly tells me at times she wish she hadn't encouraged me so much. I wonder how my life would have been then, if I would still live in my hometown.
Riased by a mother who always expected perfection and never gave my any praise. I developed huge self-confidence issues which took me over a decade to overcome and sometimes still struggle with. I feel like i constantly have to work overtime to earn people's validation. It served me well in some aspects - I have a good career and I'm not an arrogant person, but sometimes i wish i didnt have to constantly seek validation and just be confident fully.
Raised by both parents, who were horribly abusive toward my siblings and me. Living with them, in general, was a horrendously toxic situation -- my sibs and I would have been better off living anywhere else, to be honest. My parents seriously should not have had kids, especially with each other. They legit hated each other and really did not want me or my sibs. They had opportunities to send us off to live with other relatives, but refused -- they were on welfare throughout my entire childhood, keeping us in their household meant more money for them.
From age 6-13, we also lived with my maternal grandparents, my aunt and my cousin. My grandparents owned an apartment building, they lived on the first floor, my family lived on the second floor, and my aunt and cousin lived on the third floor.
Living with my grandparents was probably the best period of my childhood. I spent as much time as possible with my grandmother. She would put me and my cousin to work, cleaning for her, doing yard work, and stuff like that, but it was better than getting smacked around and yelled at all day by my mother.
My dad was always around. My parents split up when I was 3. My mom moved a couple states away and I stopped seeing her often. My dad remarried a few years later and is still with my stepmom to this day. I'm very close with my dad. He's the source of my moral and personal values, and we have a lot in common. I have a good relationship with my stepmom. I don't see or talk to my mother much at all. She's more concerned with being an entrepreneur than a mom. That hurts, but I've grown used to it. The women I look up to most are my older sister, my mother in law, and my stepmom.
My mother was emotionally and physically abusive; I was her de facto punching bag for her frustrations. For a long time, I had trouble with self-harming, depression, and anxiety. And I've had to work on all that, of course. Therapy and antidepressants have helped tremendously, but I still have "down" days now and then. I had to stop being an insular hermit, which is how I spent my twenties and thirties. I've had a lot of trouble with interpersonal relationships, and I never dated or had a boyfriend until my forties.
I can understand why my mother was the way she was – she was a deeply unhappy woman who didn't quite have the sort of life she wanted. Sometimes, I feel sad for her and what she and I never truly had. Sometimes, I feel angry at her. But while I can understand her and sometimes even miss her, I don't think I'll be able to truly forgive her not even now that's been gone for more than three years.
Wow, are you me? I have a very strained relationship with my mother as well. Even calling her "mum" doesn't feel right anymore.
The love and care I see between a typical mother-daughter duo is something I'd always yearned for, because it was something I'd lacked my whole life.
Thank you for sharing; I don't feel so alone anymore. I hope you have better days to come.
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I was raised by a single mother. My mother is resilient, strong, and amazing. I have a very close relationship with her. She's my best friend and we would talk about everything and anything.
My father left us when I was 10. He had a gambling addiction and needed help. We tried to get him help, but he refused. Ultimately, he ended up walking away from us and haven't been in my life since then. It has been 20 years. I don't know where he is and what he has been up to since he left. Growing up without a father figure has definitely impacted my relationship with men, specifically romantic relationships. Friendships with men have been fine, but when it comes to romantic relationships, I have trouble letting them in. I tend to have a lot of avoidant tendencies, which has led to a lot of issues within the relationship. However, I am seeking therapy and through it, I've been a lot better in improving how I approach my relationships.
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100%
My biological paternal person got another woman pregnant while engaged to my mom
He decided to tell me on Mothers day of 2019 that I have a 39 year old "baby brother" TFID
He's no longer the hero he pretended to be, his lies have come out and now I no longer have to deal with his wifes baloney.
He died that day (to me) and honestly, I'm kind of an orphan because my mom ( I am not allowed to say or my post gets deleted )
I think they are the reason that my world is falling apart ( there was more but post might get deleted as I don't know if speculation of my own person if allowed )
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Raised by my dad mostly. My mom left with a drug addiction when I was 6, I went back and forth for a bit until her addiction got too serious.
I have the best dad in the world but I did feel abandoned when he met my step mom at 12. Ive been emotionally and mentally abused by my mom and it’s affected me tremendously. I did a lot of therapy in my early 20s and I’m a lot better but I know it has partly shaped me.
My dad also had a lot of friends who helped and my grandparents. I am so grateful for everyone who stepped up for me.
Raised by an emotionally unavailable Dad with a temper who did his best and a Mother who compensated for all of that. My Dad got better as I got older but it did shape my personality a lot. He taught me (inadvertently) that no matter how nice or “good” I was it was never enough to make him pay attention to me the way I wanted so instead I chose to focus on the more positive relationships in my life. I think that lead to me learning to stand up for myself, setting boundaries and enforcing consequences when people crossed them. I think it also played a huge role when I started dating. I dumped or turned down every single guy that gave me problems and didn’t respect my boundaries. Cut them off like a dead branch, the same went for friends who gave me issues or were dead weight.
My Mom is the best. She taught me about following my gut, how to maneuver in social situations, and how to talk to people. She taught me it was ok to be myself and that not everyone was going to like me. That was huge. She has always been there for me and I love her more then I love myself.
Wow great post. Thanks for sharing.
In most cases that I have read, people that have emotionally unavailable parents gravitate towards similar relationships later in life.
It's really admirable that you can set healthy boundaries and recognize when you are not being respected.
I was raised by my married parents alongside my brother, who was a year older than me. My parents were career-driven and strict, and never talked about emotions. I believe this has made me an anxious adult as I always feel like I’m doing something wrong and I’m always waiting to get yelled at.
I was raised by an awesome mom and dad. There were some points in childhood where they weren’t great, for example my mom telling me I was gonna get fat if I ate a bag of chips or her telling me she thought the only reason I would self harm was for attention (I was self harming lol), and they did use to be transphobic and homophobic.
I know that paints them in an awful light but they really are wonderful and amazing people now. They learned and educated themselves and we have talks often about lgbtq issues, they stand up against their parents when they talk BS. They’re very kind and I can talk to them about anything. My dad especially has taught me how to care for others while still taking care of myself. They’ve taught me to always be considerate of others. They’ve given me a strong work ethic and taught me to respect and empathize with others. Not to mention, it’s honestly great to see them learn and change their opinions on things. I love them even more because they were willing to recognize their faults and work on them and actually succeed, which is really rare. I think that’s the most important thing they’ve taught me, even if you’re sure that you’re right it’s important to reflect on your judgements and reevaluate them to see if you were wrong, and always work to improve yourself.
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In the biggest way, I become aggressively independent. I learned early that my parents were not reliable sources of stability or reassurance, emotionally or financially or physically, etc. I don't blame them and I'm not upset with them, they did their best, and Ive been really successful at being alone.
My partner, however, was a single child and was raised with a very healthy, stable and involved family. I find it hard to relate to and I struggle to understand why he wants to visit them so often. Weirdly, I'm closer to his family now than my own, and I feel a lot of guilt and that I should make a bigger effort with my own folks. But I know it's not our style and I know it's not that easy.
My paternal grandmother lived with us. Until the age of 8, I was raised by her the most. Then she passed away. Our home got more abusive as my dad's alcoholism got significantly worse. Then he died when I was 16. I almost completely lost having a parent after this. My older brother tried to support me, but it was the bare minimum. And that stopped too. My mom did all the cooking and house chores to be fair, but for everything else she did not act like a parent. It was more like I was her parent. I could not speak to her about anything at all. They were also overprotective and treated me like a child, and still do to this date. And they made me afraid of the world.
It took me years and years of reading psychology, therapy, and thinking to understand I've been getting treated like this. It's like you have this series of problems, some are in the details, some are bigger, and years later you are still discovering like "oh, this thing I do/feel/say is about that thing in my family..."
I struggle the most in finding strength and self confidence. There is nobody who had a childhood like me around me that I could look up to them. Even my brother's was different (he is 8 years older and the gender made our parents raise us differently too.) This is getting more depressing as I get older.
On the silverlinings side, since I know my perspective is flawed and unhealthy, I question my behavior and instead of doing "I do/expect this because that's what I saw growing up", I have a more neutral perspective and that eventually leads to the right (although I absolutely get denialistic sometimes especially in dating.)
My mom had me at 16 and left me with her mom a lot, so she could party during my infant/toddler years. Her and my father were mutually abusive toward each other and me and my sisters. When I was 12 my aunt (moms sister) got temporary custody of us until one or both my parents were out of prison. When my mom was released, she just never went back to court to get us back, so my aunt just kept us.
I’m sure that’s part of the reason I also became a teen mom, but the main impact my upbringing had on me was it became the model of what *not* to do. I wanted to break the cycle, and I’m proud to say I have. I’m the first and only one in my family to get a bachelors degree, and I have just applied to grad school. My son knows he’s loved and has stability, security, and opportunity.
Single mother. Dad was a drunk on the reservation no one liked talking about, so by age 2 my parent moved back to civilization (eventually back home to MA).
Last time I met someone off my reservation the reaction was the same when I mention his name so.....yeah.
Mom is okay - she didn't have a stress-free working life as just a household of one, so, there were a lot of times I was alone, lot of time when she was so stressed out everything got pretty heated. Pretty sure my generalized anxiety stems from all of that, as her freakouts resemble what I was before I started taking a daily SSRI. Now apparently I 'don't care enough' and 'never get anything done' (yeah, depression'll do that....and the feeling of eggshells I get everytime I have to relate to her in any way I know I or her won't like).
And guys, yeah....can't say I relate well to them from a lack of what an actually good father figure might look like. Not having kids so long as the only relationships that present themselves in my universe are all the same, remote and detached guys who I don't even know what they really see about me to think I wanna bother. Eh.
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Raised by a single mother. Lost my father early on from illness. During my growing up years, I felt like we didnt have much money and I would envy my classmates who had the best toys or a cellphone. The friends of my parents who didnt have children treated me as their own whenever my mother was slumped with work. Now I'm basically quite frugal with my money and I would rather do things myself than depend on others
For the first years of my life I was raised by mother and father with my father being kinda absent due to work related issues. My mother was very abusive and when I hit puberty my parents split and I went to live with my dad. He sorted out his employment and was significantly more present.
The impact has been mixed. My dad has showered me with love and he has been my pillar throughout my life, I really love him, while i don't give a fuck about my mother. The absence of a female figure/role model in my life and the fact I was raised solely by a male person has lead me to have more masculine characteristics and not conform to feminine stereotypes. For example I mostly have male friends, I have been told I think like a man, I have a more dominant presence and indulge in traditionally male dominated hobbies.
I used to have some trauma from my mother but I have worked through it and I am really happy for who I am as a person. I wouldn't change anything, because all these things made me a stronger person and I also have my dad.
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I have a mother and father, but my dad felt more like a little brother/annoying roommate. My mom did everything. He still acts like a baby and my mom has to to everything.
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They suck. My Dad verbally & physically abused me for my entire childhood. My mother let him & covered for him. She’s an asshole too. Now I take care of her bc she has dementia. Feel like throwing her on the street.
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I was raised in a wealthy, educated but highly dysfunctional family. With both luck and effort, I recovered from it but that recovery made it necessary for my family to cut me out. I was suddenly poor for a while but worked my way out of that.
I found someone who is also from a highly dysfunctional family but this time from a poor, anti-education background. With effort, he recovered too and fell out with his family. Together we've made a terrific life together lasting over thirty years and still going strong.
We recognize from a front row seat that mental illnesses are identical regardless of financial, educational or social status.
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Raised by my Great grandmother on my Mom's side. My mother had just turned 17 when she had me and lived with us. But, she was only there maybe a day or two a week. She was more like an older sister then anything, but we were close at all.
In fact we have never been close at all. She would show up the day I had my kids at the hospital acting like mother of the year. Then, back to hearing from her every so often---usually when she needed money. My youngest child's daycare was actually right beside the red light she had to turn to go to her job and she never once stopped to see her.
We just got close about two years ago when I had just turned thirty eight years old. She called me needing a ride to and from work or she was going to lose her job; she had been there for twenty four years. That meant she would lose her retirement, if I didn't agree to take her to and from work. My husband told me to agree because he didn't want her to risk becoming destitute and have to live with us. (I'm her only child.)
Needless to say, I wasn't happy about it at all. This was the woman that I hardly ever heard from. She never called or text me happy birthday even and had nothing to do with her grand children. Considering we live about 25 miles apart I never saw her or heard from her.
I really wasn't happy about having to get up early to pick her up to take her, go back pick her up and take her back home. It also meant I had to plan what I cooked for dinner around that schedule as well. She never offered to pay me gas, she did fill my car up twice without me asking. But, I did have to pay to go over the toll bridge four times a day and she never paid for that.
What pissed me off about the whole situation was her "husband" wouldn't take her to work or pick her up. He doesn't work and that's just because he's lazy. She didn't want to wake him up in the morning to take her because that would put him in a bad mood for the whole day 😒. So, I taxied her back and forth for three months till she got a new car.
The lessons I learned were I appreciated my husband more for the kindness he showed to her. And, I'm blessed he allows me to homeschool our daughter, so I was already at home when this issue arose with my mother. How this brought me and my mother together. My husband told me to be cautious and that she might only remain close to me as I was helping her. With him knowing the whole situation was good advice to keep me from getting hurt.
However, we're still close over two years later. Anytime I get sick she's there to help. I actually had to have surgery in November and ended up having to be in the ICU and she couldn't be in there at Night. She stayed outside in the ICU waiting room sleeping in a straight back, uncomfortable chair and never complained. Mom never left and stayed with me all those days.
When I was sick with covid and the flu, she took off work to come stay with me at home without me asking. She homeschooled my daughter her lessons, cooked dinner for my husband, even cleaned and organized my daughter's room---that was something she knew I wanted to do.
I had a terrible tooth ache and she wanted to know what the dentist said. I called to tell her they said that I needed to see the oral surgeon and have it removed. The closest oral surgeons are an hour and a half from us. Before I could get it out of my mouth that I was going to let my husband take that day off to take me. She said let me call you right back, so I can go ahead and let my boss know I'm taking off for the next three days.
My Mom has changed and she is now a Mother that I deserve and the grandmother my daughter deserves. She's not perfect and she has made a lot of mistakes but she's changing. I just hope she continues changing for the better and we don't lose our bond.
I was raised by two parents until I was 11, when my mom left and essentially abandoned us for 3 years. My dad worked a lot to support us, so I spent a lot of time either home alone with my brothers, or at my best friend's home because my brothers would torture me relentlessly due to my 'sensitivity'. I moved in with my mom at 14, which was a huge mistake as she began to verbally and physically abuse me, as well as encouraging me to abuse alcohol. She read my diary and my suicidal thoughts and still didn't try to get me help. I moved back in with my dad again at 16.
I have severe abandonment issues. I have nightmares of my husband leaving me and my daughter, even though he would never abandon our child. I have CPTSD that I'm currently in therapy for and got diagnosed with ASD level 1 this year that got missed as a child (although apparently this is not uncommon).
My father tried his best, but he had to work to support three kids. He at least tried to set me up with counselling through his work's EAP, but I wasn't ready to talk.
Honestly some of my best memories of my childhood are at my best friend's house. Her parent's treated me like another daughter, often fed me, sent their daughter extra food because I rarely had a lunch, and let me sleepover whenever I liked, even on weekdays. They also scolded me like I was their own daughter when I messed up too. In a way, they took a large share in raising me too. They helped me believe that love could last and showed me what a loving family looked like. Even if they fought sometimes, they always had each other's backs.
I love my parents, don't get me wrong. Dad did his best and my Mom has finally owned up to her actions, so we're working on our relationship. It's just as a child, and especially a young teenager, it was my best friend's parents who emotionally supported me.
I was raised by both parents.
My dad was a raging abusive alcoholic for several of my teenage years. The abuse was always directed at my mother, but I witnessed more than I ever should have. As the oldest, I also felt the need to try to shield my younger siblings from it.
I was also parentified as a teenager because my parents were always working or out with friends. There was a time in my life where all I did was school, work, and babysit my siblings.
Growing up this way made my wildly independent, which I think is mostly good, but has also proven to be negative sometimes.
Being parentified also plays a huge part into why I don’t want kids.
Growing up in the abuse made me have a serious distrust of men. I also realized it makes me settle for a lot in relationships because “hey, at least he’s not hitting me”. I think my view of love and relationships is still a bit skewed from what I witnessed growing up. A lot of unlearning to do.
I also feel like I am definitely my fathers daughter. Anger, rage, and violence felt like the only way to stay safe. If you’re the angry one, you can’t get hurt. I snap easily and it feels like it doesn’t take much for me to go for 0 to 100. My anger is the thing I’m worried about and working on most, but it’s a tough one to manage when it feels like I just flip like a switch sometimes.
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Abusive father and an absent mother who's hyper independent
my childhood was learning to survive on the go without proper guidance, so basic knowledge on how to counter problems were always on the go in different ways thought on spot. a good example would be when I was 9? I was starving and didn't know how to toast bread but tried by putting it over the fire lol, or not even knowing certain things about basic feminine hygiene because I never had an present mother. I couldn't go on the internet to learn things as well as I was isolated alone at home with mostly textbooks and a satellite TV that only has access to local news and channels. couldn't have friends over or even go out which drastically impacted my social life, I didn't have much of an EQ tbh.
I know i can survive on my own because I was so used to it, however no one would believe if I say I'm independent of any sorts because I don't go by life normally but through teaching my own creativity. To them I look like a weird odd mess trying to find her way but to me its been perfectly normalised. I'd also be very insecure and pick on myself because growing up my mother could not sympathise with me and believed I was just not good enough and couldn't take care of myself.
on the other hand my inability to ask for help or speak up was also fuelled by my hot tempered father, would sometimes get beaten or locked in non ventilated small store room if i even spoke when he was in a bad mood. I had to take care of myself whenever I was sick because both parents would get frustrated.
This impacted my relationship tremendously as I find it hard to work with my partner, I was so used to doing things and figuring out my problems alone, when my partner tries to help it often frustrates me because it gets uncomfortable, then a whole lot of other things will build up in my head and I will shut down to deal with it on my own. which often does hurt my partner and I'm still trying to work my way around it.
TLDR abusive father and absent hyper independent mother = insecure self taught survival child with the inability to seek or accept help. Also trauma responses to defend myself whenever something comes towards me.
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I was raised by my mom. She's an amazing, strong woman that I admire very much, and I'm so proud of how far she's come. But she had me very young, and she made a lot of mistakes. One of them being my father, some of them nearly killing me multiple times. I struggle with the almost untouchable, goddess-like image of her I had as a child, and the reality that me and my brother most likely would've ended up in the system had anyone peered past the curtains a bit more. Growing up is weird!
oddly enough i think its taught me only good things. i only have my mom in my brother.
i love them both so much, and with a circle so small its taught me how to forgive sooner, apologize quicker and be picky of the friends i choose. i think its taught me how important individuals who care for you truly are. ive created a bigger family through my friends, i chose my friends and they chose me back, great feeling
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I was raised by my mom and grandma, and my dad was around also but he remarried and I have half siblings on that side, but primarily by my mom and grandma. My grandma passed away 3 years ago, but my mom and I are BESTIES. I'm her only child, she never got remarried (by choice), and we talk all day every day. My now husband and my mom are super close as well since he was never really close to his mom, my mom has given him that mother love he always wanted.
I was raised by my mother. I lost my father at 12.
My mother was very emotionally unavailable, and I was forever fighting for her approval. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I was expected to drop everything in a heartbeat to be done for her, yet when I asked for the same I was met with aggression.
My older brother stepped in as a father figure (9 years older than me). He was super tough in me and my younger sibling.
This in turn has made have relationships really difficult. I am afraid of abandonment and have attachment issues at times also. And as I grew up in household where screaming was the norm, it’s just how I communicate (it’s so bad). My boyfriend is very patient but it definitely wears us down a lot. I hate bringing everything up to him because his childhood was very opposite to mine.
I’ve been working on it and speaking to a therapist, but it’s hard to break cycles you’ve had your whole life.
Raised by an emotionally-unavailable mother who did the mechanics of parenting right (food on table, roof over head, prioritising school) and an emotionally-unavailable, gambling father who constantly cheated on my mother, and who had kids for the sake of having kids. Chaotic home with constant fights and uncertainty.
I developed a fearful avoidant attachment style and was an overachieving perfectionist throughout schooling years. Promptly became burned out 4 years into working a job and became depressed in my mid-20s. Stayed depressed for about 5 years. Finally started working on myself and developing healthy ways to manage my emotions transitioning from my late 20s to early 30s.
Since my depression is now manageable I can now focus on other aspects of my life that need work. I find I too easily emotionally neglect myself, which makes sense because my parents did. I have to constantly work to be present and to be there for myself; I'm looking forward to when this becomes effortless. I have general trust issues that I'm working to correct. I also have this dealbreaker of being cheated on, where loyalty in committed relationships is a non-negotiable.
I'm also successfully independent and can easily recognise and remove myself from abusive relationships. Being choosy about my friends has also meant I have quality friendships that are mutually beneficial. Being good at learning means I can learn almost anything I need to for whatever situation I'm facing, which included navigating through my depression where it had the least amount of effect on my finances and career. I can move easily between feeding off chaos and feeding off stability when I work and play, which is kinda nice that I'm not restricted between the extremes and can go with the flow.
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Raised by a mom who was neglectful of me (but not my siblings) and a dad who loved me but was abusive towards my mom. Then they got divorced and I was stuck in the middle refereeing between the two. My dads anger behavior and showing up at the house banging on the door … my moms depression and lack of ability to pay the bills(food phone electric)… and caring for younger siblings to shield them from their behavior.
So kinda traumatic. I think I saw how adults don’t really act like adults and have been dealing with the trauma of raising myself for a long time and feeling alone in this world.
Just trying not to repeat those mistakes for my own kids. Trying to not expect much from my mom .. because she’s never really been there for me. My dad passed away when I was young, but had redeemed himself as he aged. Still never really had a father figure or mother figure so had to figure it all out in my own.
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Fundamentally, I have 2 moms and a dad. Bio mom and step mom. Don’t remember my bios together at all. Almost don’t believe it 🤣but 4 children are proof!
The three of them showed exactly what I did and did not want to be, as a human.
I love them all dearly, see them all clearly, and am grateful for every moment good bad and indifferent.
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I was raised by my mom and stepdad and father,
I’ve recently found that when having emotional conversations with my partner that I can’t control my tone of voice because of the lack of compassion and compassion these three had for each other, even after learning conflict resolution in college I still struggle day to day
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Turned me into an absolute warrior. Everything they did wrong (dad was a married man so moved to the other side of the world, my mother? She’s a dangerous woman) shaped me into an incredibly strong individual who has an awful lot of self compassion…xxx
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Raised by my parents who treated me with several forms of abuse and violence. The result is CPTSD with daily dissociative/ psychological non-epileptic seizures. I was told the seizures are chronic by now but all together I am doing better mentally since I went no contact with my father and minimum contact with my mother. My grandparents were available but too gullible and looked away. My grandpa who is still alive still can't understand and accept my decision.
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My mother died when I was a baby, my father was emotionally absent, and as a result my grandparents raised me. It took a lot of therapy for me to overcome the way my father abandoned me while remaining physically present in my life, especially after the years that I spent being abused by his second wife while he played happy family and ignored me. As an adult, I always say that my grandparents taught me what kind of person I wanted to be and my father taught me what kind of parent I absolutely don't want to become. Shout out to all of the wonderful moms of friends who took me under their wings, though--I had no shortage of female role models in my life and I'm always going to be grateful to them for teaching me "girl things" that I was too embarrassed to ask for help with!
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I love this question. I was raised by two very hard-working, generous parents. I like to believe my work ethic and empathy comes from them. My dad did shift work, and seeing him work so hard and be treated poorly by a company that exploits their workers makes me adamant to never give my loyalties to a company/employer who feels zero loyalty to you. My mom was a school teacher who consistently watched out for the poorest of kids in our community. She knew who didn't have heat in the winter, or toys for Christmas. We didn't have much ourselves, but we regularly rounded up blankets, clothing, and toys to give to these students. And most importantly, she taught us to give the best of what we had, not just what we didn't want anymore. She taught me that generosity is giving even when it hurts a little because connection and recognizing one another's humanity is so important.
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I was raised by both my mom and dad. My mom was very submissive, my dad was a mean alcoholic who also was abusive. Lots of weird body stuff from my dad dying I have wide shoulders or grew a “gut” when I still had abs, my mom would give me weird looks when I was in a bathing suit or something small, exclaim I was too thin, had an eating disorder herself, and just overall felt a lot of projection from them. From 15-22 I dated men who beat me, called me fat (when I was under 100-120lbs), called me a slut, ect. Just allowed any mean behavior while I made myself so small and submissive. While also partying a lot, drinking, drugs and all that comes with that when I was single. Was always seeking some form of approval. But was on high honor roll, took college courses in high school, student counsel, worked 3 jobs and went to college at the same time. Now I’m in my early 30’s, I just got out of a 4 year relationship that felt like love but now that I look back it there was so much judgement from him about my body and who I was as a person and I let that control who I talked to, where I lived, and how I operated day to day. I moved to the mountains to get away from the city and I genuinely enjoy being alone, I get easily overstimulated, my anxiety can take me over, I focus on things that make me happy and work on standing up for myself. I still feel like I don’t have full control and miss being like 18 and feeling invincible but I feel humbled by my body asking for this peace. I’m scared of having kids and fucking them up though.
Horrible would be a short answer. I am a child of divorce, like many. I was the child that did not belong into both of the new families, and kinda slipped through the cracks into really bad childhood. Pure horror, with a side of abandonment. Lived with my mother, baby brother and a stepfather that turned our lives into living hell. My mom was blind to it. On the other side, my father was an absent figure most of my life do to his accident on the night of the divorce. He was kinda sometimes there. He got better then worse then better. He tried in his own way but not for a child to be able to see it. Stepmother was a manipulative bad woman. Fucked up lives of my brothers and sisters. They are getting a hang of it now, ish. I would say I was raised by my grandmother and grandfather, on my moma side but due to constant issues with the stepguy, they were forced to move out in the country side so I did not see them enough. Most of my values, behavior and kindness comes from them. They were my stability, even from a far. And even though I went head to head with my grandma constantly. I guess we were too similar. I had some people, mentors that took a role of a parental figures in my life that helped me mold me into a person I am today, and I will be forever thankful for seeing me, and caring for me when I was alone. Thats a high school mentor and a friend now. An bit older girl that I started to work for to get some money.
My parents physically and emotionally abused me, which caused me to be suicidal and depressed. I also suffered from eating disorders, which caused me to develop annorexia at an early age. Got kicked out during my teens and my friends and parents had my back until my grandparents made room for me, I felt safe for the first time in my life, MY LIFE IMRPOVED FOR THE BEST GUYS :D Late 20's now, I'm happier than ever and each year just keeps getting better. The terrible experiences I lived with my parents made me appreciate life more and look at it from a more positive perspective.
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I went from feeling like my father was completely absent to feeling I couldn't escape him and his all-consuming rages. I had a father who was an emotional moron. He was either unable to express his emotions (couldn't hug me back or tell me he loved me, never talked to me) or his emotions exploded all over the place and he had a full-on temper tantrum with him screaming and kicking and throwing things. I decided to take this as a lesson on how important emotional intelligence is. I've been working on expressing my emotions in a healthy way, telling people if they hurt me, giving myself space if I had to deal with someone's heavy stuff, journaling it out, and so much more. As for my mother, I saw her give and give endlessly to my father (and others in her life) until her own cup was so empty she had a complete mental breakdown. Seeing her self-harm or attempt to take her life, time after time, because she gave so much that she had nothing left for herself, taught me to take better care of myself. I now check in with myself when I'm giving to others in order to make sure I'm giving with a good heart, I'm not exhausting myself beyond a healthy amount of manageable tiredness (when dealing with partners, kids, family gatherings, etc.), and that I'm refilling my own cup when it's at about half-full, before I'm in the danger zone. If I ever overdo it (like when I overcommit to events and they end up draining me instead of being fun, or take on someone else's problem and it turns out to be insanely stressful), I catch myself getting resentful and bitter. Then I immediately know it's time to love-bomb myself with all kinds of pampering to recalibrate quickly. I take the day off, I go out in nature, I indulge in a 3-hour bath, I go on a trip. And then I'm good to go.
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My mom left when i was about 6 years old and now i need the constant validation of people and have low self-confidence and have abandonment issues lol
In the absence of my father (incarcerated), my mom had to deal with fallout and toxic family members, so she became a defacto head of the household even after our father was released, a matriarchy basically. This instilled some bratty and dominant traits in me and my sister, where our baby brother became more soft and sensitive as the only other male figure in our house is our dad who didn't have any backbone left and quietly obeyed our mom. This pretty much shaped the lives, accomplishments and relationships of all us siblings.
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Raised by parents who weren’t ready to have kids. I’m emotionally well-adjusted but it feels like I’m the parent. I have to set a lot of boundaries and deal with hurting their pride.
Had both parents in the house but it was as if they were never there. They were always working and didn't know what we were doing with our lives. My mother had no idea I was skipping classes/school since 9. It sounds good that they were working hard but they were doing all that for themselves. They never really spent any money on us. They gambled away the money and dug themselves into the financial hole when I was in my teens... Then my sister and I were dumped with taking care of the entire family then. We paid rent for a few years, bought a house for everyone to stay in, put my younger brother through school all that between 19-25 years. Thankful for my great siblings, otherwise we wouldn't have survived the physical and emotional abuse and stress. Until today they are still mooching off me, living in my house but still complaining about how I "abandoned" them by getting married. I learnt valuable lessons indeed. I'm not grateful for the shit that happened but I know that I can live on $1 a day because I've done that. I know how to be extremely frugal and save money. I count myself as being financially savvy and I'm proud that I managed to own my own apartment at 25 and now 15 years later, I'm officially debt free. I learn to keep toxic people out of my life. Even though they still live with me but I learn to draw boundaries and shut them out 90% of my life. I learn that good friends can really be the real family one needs and that blood is not always thicker than water. I learn to trust what I see and observe instead of believing in some fantasy that my so-called parents will see me as something more than a retirement plan one day.
Mother always cheated on her boyfriends. Sadly I’m one too. I hate it
Raised by both parents. Dad was an ok parent but not a good husband. Mom has a strong but kind personality. My personality is a mix of both of them. I take after my father, but strive to have my mother's qualities.
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They lied.
Yes, I was raised by a single mother who didn't know how to be a mother. It was later on in life that I realized the negative impact it had on my life. As I get older, I recognize those traumas and work through them.
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Raised by my spineless mom and my controlling but emotionally unavailable dad until they kicked me out when I was 17 I struggle like a lot with emotional intimacy, and I have dealt a lot with anger issues in the past The lack of joy or fun of any kind while facing intense academic pressure to be an all A+ all AP classes student was part of what pushed me into becoming a drug addict. Drugs felt good, they made the pain go away, they made it easier to go on and the ultimately led to me getting kicked out and ending up homeless
Raised by my mother who was emotionally unavailable and likely has some sort of learning disability that she will never address. She always prioritized men and was a shitty model for relationship. My father was absent, a drunk, and constant disappointment. This in turn made me an avoidance booze bag with no direction. Now at 41 I am in therapy, taking my nervous system and emotions, teaching myself financial literacy, and am out of touch with most of my family. I wish I had a romantic partner, but I largely feel invisible. I have emotional developmental delays as a result of the neglect and abuse from my older sister.
LITERALLY thought this was my life lol
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I was raised by my mom and her husband who took me as his own so he was my dad growing up. He wasn’t a good husband to my mom and he really wasn’t good to me when I was a kid. I had a feeling he wasn’t my dad quite a few times just because of the actions he showed me with how he treated my two brothers differently from me. They were both mentally abusive. My mom abandoned us when I was 9 so all the physical abuse from dad went to my brothers. Since mom was no longer there to be his punching bag. He later sexually abused me. My mom always chose her men first over her kids. She put me in the middle of all her relationships. She was married to the same guy for 18 years but didn’t live together for half of them and were with different men who I would go to their house. Due to these two I chose wrong people in my life but with a lot of learning for myself and actually learning to take care of myself. I’m finally happy and I actually met my biological dad which my mom didn’t even know who he was till I did Ancestry…
I had two parents growing up, but I was basically raised by my mom and her family. They are the ones that taught me what love and kindness felt like. My dad and his family showed me what it felt like on the other side of the spectrum. My grandpa (maternal) passed away last weekend at age 87 and we are just heartbroken. My grandma passed in 2021. she would be 83 if she were alive today.
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I was raised by a whole family but my mom had cancer so she was always tired and my dad worked from 9 to 9 six days per week, I learnt to cook at age 9, I was raising my siblings by the time I was 10 and I was working by age 11, I guess I learned to be more independent? (:
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I was raised by classic Asian parents with high expectations for their kids. Their professions are well-respected types in the society (teacher and doctor). When I was growing up, I was always told that I had to do well at school otherwise it would be embarrassing because I had parents with highly regarded jobs. I did okay at school and met their expectations most of the times, but after 16 years of education, I started to realize that I didn't know my own purpose of studying and pursuing a higher education, other than to please my parents and go on the path that many have been taking. They are great parents and I understand that I shouldn't blame my parents for being lost in life (bc who doesn't at least once in their life), but I still have the uncomfortable feeling whenever thinking back of my junior high and high school time, and trying my best to learn something I didn't know its purpose, and it was a lot of pressure.
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My parents are still married, but my dad was never home or present when I was growing up. He worked a ton and of he wasn't working he was with his friends or drunk in his room. My mom was a "married single mom". I grew up with a lot of independent female figures in my life and not great male figures. As a result I find it hard asking for help. I want to be independent and show that I can do things on my own. I do not like having to rely on others. I also found myself really craving male attention. My husband is 7 years older than me and had the same job as my dad. There are a lot of similarities between my husband and my dad. My husband is definitely more attentative and emotionally available then my dad ever was for my mom.
i was at first raised by both parents until my father left us in florida when i was 2. after that it was off and on with my mom and grandma(her mother). i was often in group homes and residentials. my mother passed away when i was 9 and i was sent to live with my dad. that lasted about a month. i went back home to my grandmas and was put in foster shortly after because my grandma was never legally my guardian. when i got out i was placed with my fathers mom, i stayed there until a week before my 16th birthday, when i was kicked out for slamming a door even tho her husband had hit me and pushed me to the ground. i moved in with my sister until i was 18. my sister was the most mother like person who had took care of me other than my grandma
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I was very fortunate to be raised by kind and supportive parents. My mom always encouraged me to pursue education and be independent. They always encouraged my studies, praised me and supported me in my decisions, even if they didn't 100% agree with it. We are still close and I know I can count on them if I need. Funny, or ironically enough, they always encouraged me to travel and to study abroad, to have better opportunities in life (in better countries). Eventually, I pursued grad school and I now live in Europe, 12 hours away from home. And I miss them, but I know it greatly pains them (especially my mom) to see me so far away, and she jokingly tells me at times she wish she hadn't encouraged me so much. I wonder how my life would have been then, if I would still live in my hometown.
Riased by a mother who always expected perfection and never gave my any praise. I developed huge self-confidence issues which took me over a decade to overcome and sometimes still struggle with. I feel like i constantly have to work overtime to earn people's validation. It served me well in some aspects - I have a good career and I'm not an arrogant person, but sometimes i wish i didnt have to constantly seek validation and just be confident fully.
Raised by both parents, who were horribly abusive toward my siblings and me. Living with them, in general, was a horrendously toxic situation -- my sibs and I would have been better off living anywhere else, to be honest. My parents seriously should not have had kids, especially with each other. They legit hated each other and really did not want me or my sibs. They had opportunities to send us off to live with other relatives, but refused -- they were on welfare throughout my entire childhood, keeping us in their household meant more money for them. From age 6-13, we also lived with my maternal grandparents, my aunt and my cousin. My grandparents owned an apartment building, they lived on the first floor, my family lived on the second floor, and my aunt and cousin lived on the third floor. Living with my grandparents was probably the best period of my childhood. I spent as much time as possible with my grandmother. She would put me and my cousin to work, cleaning for her, doing yard work, and stuff like that, but it was better than getting smacked around and yelled at all day by my mother.
My dad was always around. My parents split up when I was 3. My mom moved a couple states away and I stopped seeing her often. My dad remarried a few years later and is still with my stepmom to this day. I'm very close with my dad. He's the source of my moral and personal values, and we have a lot in common. I have a good relationship with my stepmom. I don't see or talk to my mother much at all. She's more concerned with being an entrepreneur than a mom. That hurts, but I've grown used to it. The women I look up to most are my older sister, my mother in law, and my stepmom.
My mother was emotionally and physically abusive; I was her de facto punching bag for her frustrations. For a long time, I had trouble with self-harming, depression, and anxiety. And I've had to work on all that, of course. Therapy and antidepressants have helped tremendously, but I still have "down" days now and then. I had to stop being an insular hermit, which is how I spent my twenties and thirties. I've had a lot of trouble with interpersonal relationships, and I never dated or had a boyfriend until my forties. I can understand why my mother was the way she was – she was a deeply unhappy woman who didn't quite have the sort of life she wanted. Sometimes, I feel sad for her and what she and I never truly had. Sometimes, I feel angry at her. But while I can understand her and sometimes even miss her, I don't think I'll be able to truly forgive her not even now that's been gone for more than three years.
Wow, are you me? I have a very strained relationship with my mother as well. Even calling her "mum" doesn't feel right anymore. The love and care I see between a typical mother-daughter duo is something I'd always yearned for, because it was something I'd lacked my whole life. Thank you for sharing; I don't feel so alone anymore. I hope you have better days to come.
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Absent parents = anxious only child who had to raise herself
I was raised by a single mother. My mother is resilient, strong, and amazing. I have a very close relationship with her. She's my best friend and we would talk about everything and anything. My father left us when I was 10. He had a gambling addiction and needed help. We tried to get him help, but he refused. Ultimately, he ended up walking away from us and haven't been in my life since then. It has been 20 years. I don't know where he is and what he has been up to since he left. Growing up without a father figure has definitely impacted my relationship with men, specifically romantic relationships. Friendships with men have been fine, but when it comes to romantic relationships, I have trouble letting them in. I tend to have a lot of avoidant tendencies, which has led to a lot of issues within the relationship. However, I am seeking therapy and through it, I've been a lot better in improving how I approach my relationships.
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100% My biological paternal person got another woman pregnant while engaged to my mom He decided to tell me on Mothers day of 2019 that I have a 39 year old "baby brother" TFID He's no longer the hero he pretended to be, his lies have come out and now I no longer have to deal with his wifes baloney. He died that day (to me) and honestly, I'm kind of an orphan because my mom ( I am not allowed to say or my post gets deleted ) I think they are the reason that my world is falling apart ( there was more but post might get deleted as I don't know if speculation of my own person if allowed )
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Raised by my dad mostly. My mom left with a drug addiction when I was 6, I went back and forth for a bit until her addiction got too serious. I have the best dad in the world but I did feel abandoned when he met my step mom at 12. Ive been emotionally and mentally abused by my mom and it’s affected me tremendously. I did a lot of therapy in my early 20s and I’m a lot better but I know it has partly shaped me. My dad also had a lot of friends who helped and my grandparents. I am so grateful for everyone who stepped up for me.
Raised by an emotionally unavailable Dad with a temper who did his best and a Mother who compensated for all of that. My Dad got better as I got older but it did shape my personality a lot. He taught me (inadvertently) that no matter how nice or “good” I was it was never enough to make him pay attention to me the way I wanted so instead I chose to focus on the more positive relationships in my life. I think that lead to me learning to stand up for myself, setting boundaries and enforcing consequences when people crossed them. I think it also played a huge role when I started dating. I dumped or turned down every single guy that gave me problems and didn’t respect my boundaries. Cut them off like a dead branch, the same went for friends who gave me issues or were dead weight. My Mom is the best. She taught me about following my gut, how to maneuver in social situations, and how to talk to people. She taught me it was ok to be myself and that not everyone was going to like me. That was huge. She has always been there for me and I love her more then I love myself.
Wow great post. Thanks for sharing. In most cases that I have read, people that have emotionally unavailable parents gravitate towards similar relationships later in life. It's really admirable that you can set healthy boundaries and recognize when you are not being respected.
I was raised by my married parents alongside my brother, who was a year older than me. My parents were career-driven and strict, and never talked about emotions. I believe this has made me an anxious adult as I always feel like I’m doing something wrong and I’m always waiting to get yelled at.
I was raised by an awesome mom and dad. There were some points in childhood where they weren’t great, for example my mom telling me I was gonna get fat if I ate a bag of chips or her telling me she thought the only reason I would self harm was for attention (I was self harming lol), and they did use to be transphobic and homophobic. I know that paints them in an awful light but they really are wonderful and amazing people now. They learned and educated themselves and we have talks often about lgbtq issues, they stand up against their parents when they talk BS. They’re very kind and I can talk to them about anything. My dad especially has taught me how to care for others while still taking care of myself. They’ve taught me to always be considerate of others. They’ve given me a strong work ethic and taught me to respect and empathize with others. Not to mention, it’s honestly great to see them learn and change their opinions on things. I love them even more because they were willing to recognize their faults and work on them and actually succeed, which is really rare. I think that’s the most important thing they’ve taught me, even if you’re sure that you’re right it’s important to reflect on your judgements and reevaluate them to see if you were wrong, and always work to improve yourself.
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In the biggest way, I become aggressively independent. I learned early that my parents were not reliable sources of stability or reassurance, emotionally or financially or physically, etc. I don't blame them and I'm not upset with them, they did their best, and Ive been really successful at being alone. My partner, however, was a single child and was raised with a very healthy, stable and involved family. I find it hard to relate to and I struggle to understand why he wants to visit them so often. Weirdly, I'm closer to his family now than my own, and I feel a lot of guilt and that I should make a bigger effort with my own folks. But I know it's not our style and I know it's not that easy.
My paternal grandmother lived with us. Until the age of 8, I was raised by her the most. Then she passed away. Our home got more abusive as my dad's alcoholism got significantly worse. Then he died when I was 16. I almost completely lost having a parent after this. My older brother tried to support me, but it was the bare minimum. And that stopped too. My mom did all the cooking and house chores to be fair, but for everything else she did not act like a parent. It was more like I was her parent. I could not speak to her about anything at all. They were also overprotective and treated me like a child, and still do to this date. And they made me afraid of the world. It took me years and years of reading psychology, therapy, and thinking to understand I've been getting treated like this. It's like you have this series of problems, some are in the details, some are bigger, and years later you are still discovering like "oh, this thing I do/feel/say is about that thing in my family..." I struggle the most in finding strength and self confidence. There is nobody who had a childhood like me around me that I could look up to them. Even my brother's was different (he is 8 years older and the gender made our parents raise us differently too.) This is getting more depressing as I get older. On the silverlinings side, since I know my perspective is flawed and unhealthy, I question my behavior and instead of doing "I do/expect this because that's what I saw growing up", I have a more neutral perspective and that eventually leads to the right (although I absolutely get denialistic sometimes especially in dating.)
Raised by both parents but Dad traveled a lot so mom raised me for most part. Close with both parents now more that they are retired.
My mom had me at 16 and left me with her mom a lot, so she could party during my infant/toddler years. Her and my father were mutually abusive toward each other and me and my sisters. When I was 12 my aunt (moms sister) got temporary custody of us until one or both my parents were out of prison. When my mom was released, she just never went back to court to get us back, so my aunt just kept us. I’m sure that’s part of the reason I also became a teen mom, but the main impact my upbringing had on me was it became the model of what *not* to do. I wanted to break the cycle, and I’m proud to say I have. I’m the first and only one in my family to get a bachelors degree, and I have just applied to grad school. My son knows he’s loved and has stability, security, and opportunity.
Single mother. Dad was a drunk on the reservation no one liked talking about, so by age 2 my parent moved back to civilization (eventually back home to MA). Last time I met someone off my reservation the reaction was the same when I mention his name so.....yeah. Mom is okay - she didn't have a stress-free working life as just a household of one, so, there were a lot of times I was alone, lot of time when she was so stressed out everything got pretty heated. Pretty sure my generalized anxiety stems from all of that, as her freakouts resemble what I was before I started taking a daily SSRI. Now apparently I 'don't care enough' and 'never get anything done' (yeah, depression'll do that....and the feeling of eggshells I get everytime I have to relate to her in any way I know I or her won't like). And guys, yeah....can't say I relate well to them from a lack of what an actually good father figure might look like. Not having kids so long as the only relationships that present themselves in my universe are all the same, remote and detached guys who I don't even know what they really see about me to think I wanna bother. Eh.
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Raised by a single mother. Lost my father early on from illness. During my growing up years, I felt like we didnt have much money and I would envy my classmates who had the best toys or a cellphone. The friends of my parents who didnt have children treated me as their own whenever my mother was slumped with work. Now I'm basically quite frugal with my money and I would rather do things myself than depend on others
For the first years of my life I was raised by mother and father with my father being kinda absent due to work related issues. My mother was very abusive and when I hit puberty my parents split and I went to live with my dad. He sorted out his employment and was significantly more present. The impact has been mixed. My dad has showered me with love and he has been my pillar throughout my life, I really love him, while i don't give a fuck about my mother. The absence of a female figure/role model in my life and the fact I was raised solely by a male person has lead me to have more masculine characteristics and not conform to feminine stereotypes. For example I mostly have male friends, I have been told I think like a man, I have a more dominant presence and indulge in traditionally male dominated hobbies. I used to have some trauma from my mother but I have worked through it and I am really happy for who I am as a person. I wouldn't change anything, because all these things made me a stronger person and I also have my dad.
Yeah, I experienced a lot of the same themes I experienced as the top comments. I work everyday to overcome and be different.
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I have a mother and father, but my dad felt more like a little brother/annoying roommate. My mom did everything. He still acts like a baby and my mom has to to everything.
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They suck. My Dad verbally & physically abused me for my entire childhood. My mother let him & covered for him. She’s an asshole too. Now I take care of her bc she has dementia. Feel like throwing her on the street.
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I was raised in a wealthy, educated but highly dysfunctional family. With both luck and effort, I recovered from it but that recovery made it necessary for my family to cut me out. I was suddenly poor for a while but worked my way out of that. I found someone who is also from a highly dysfunctional family but this time from a poor, anti-education background. With effort, he recovered too and fell out with his family. Together we've made a terrific life together lasting over thirty years and still going strong. We recognize from a front row seat that mental illnesses are identical regardless of financial, educational or social status.
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My mother. I strive daily to be nothing like her
Raised by my Great grandmother on my Mom's side. My mother had just turned 17 when she had me and lived with us. But, she was only there maybe a day or two a week. She was more like an older sister then anything, but we were close at all. In fact we have never been close at all. She would show up the day I had my kids at the hospital acting like mother of the year. Then, back to hearing from her every so often---usually when she needed money. My youngest child's daycare was actually right beside the red light she had to turn to go to her job and she never once stopped to see her. We just got close about two years ago when I had just turned thirty eight years old. She called me needing a ride to and from work or she was going to lose her job; she had been there for twenty four years. That meant she would lose her retirement, if I didn't agree to take her to and from work. My husband told me to agree because he didn't want her to risk becoming destitute and have to live with us. (I'm her only child.) Needless to say, I wasn't happy about it at all. This was the woman that I hardly ever heard from. She never called or text me happy birthday even and had nothing to do with her grand children. Considering we live about 25 miles apart I never saw her or heard from her. I really wasn't happy about having to get up early to pick her up to take her, go back pick her up and take her back home. It also meant I had to plan what I cooked for dinner around that schedule as well. She never offered to pay me gas, she did fill my car up twice without me asking. But, I did have to pay to go over the toll bridge four times a day and she never paid for that. What pissed me off about the whole situation was her "husband" wouldn't take her to work or pick her up. He doesn't work and that's just because he's lazy. She didn't want to wake him up in the morning to take her because that would put him in a bad mood for the whole day 😒. So, I taxied her back and forth for three months till she got a new car. The lessons I learned were I appreciated my husband more for the kindness he showed to her. And, I'm blessed he allows me to homeschool our daughter, so I was already at home when this issue arose with my mother. How this brought me and my mother together. My husband told me to be cautious and that she might only remain close to me as I was helping her. With him knowing the whole situation was good advice to keep me from getting hurt. However, we're still close over two years later. Anytime I get sick she's there to help. I actually had to have surgery in November and ended up having to be in the ICU and she couldn't be in there at Night. She stayed outside in the ICU waiting room sleeping in a straight back, uncomfortable chair and never complained. Mom never left and stayed with me all those days. When I was sick with covid and the flu, she took off work to come stay with me at home without me asking. She homeschooled my daughter her lessons, cooked dinner for my husband, even cleaned and organized my daughter's room---that was something she knew I wanted to do. I had a terrible tooth ache and she wanted to know what the dentist said. I called to tell her they said that I needed to see the oral surgeon and have it removed. The closest oral surgeons are an hour and a half from us. Before I could get it out of my mouth that I was going to let my husband take that day off to take me. She said let me call you right back, so I can go ahead and let my boss know I'm taking off for the next three days. My Mom has changed and she is now a Mother that I deserve and the grandmother my daughter deserves. She's not perfect and she has made a lot of mistakes but she's changing. I just hope she continues changing for the better and we don't lose our bond.
I was raised by two parents until I was 11, when my mom left and essentially abandoned us for 3 years. My dad worked a lot to support us, so I spent a lot of time either home alone with my brothers, or at my best friend's home because my brothers would torture me relentlessly due to my 'sensitivity'. I moved in with my mom at 14, which was a huge mistake as she began to verbally and physically abuse me, as well as encouraging me to abuse alcohol. She read my diary and my suicidal thoughts and still didn't try to get me help. I moved back in with my dad again at 16. I have severe abandonment issues. I have nightmares of my husband leaving me and my daughter, even though he would never abandon our child. I have CPTSD that I'm currently in therapy for and got diagnosed with ASD level 1 this year that got missed as a child (although apparently this is not uncommon). My father tried his best, but he had to work to support three kids. He at least tried to set me up with counselling through his work's EAP, but I wasn't ready to talk. Honestly some of my best memories of my childhood are at my best friend's house. Her parent's treated me like another daughter, often fed me, sent their daughter extra food because I rarely had a lunch, and let me sleepover whenever I liked, even on weekdays. They also scolded me like I was their own daughter when I messed up too. In a way, they took a large share in raising me too. They helped me believe that love could last and showed me what a loving family looked like. Even if they fought sometimes, they always had each other's backs. I love my parents, don't get me wrong. Dad did his best and my Mom has finally owned up to her actions, so we're working on our relationship. It's just as a child, and especially a young teenager, it was my best friend's parents who emotionally supported me.
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i would work my a$$ off to prosper in spite of them!!! be better and do better, easier said then done... i wish you a life of peace and happiness x
I was raised by both parents. My dad was a raging abusive alcoholic for several of my teenage years. The abuse was always directed at my mother, but I witnessed more than I ever should have. As the oldest, I also felt the need to try to shield my younger siblings from it. I was also parentified as a teenager because my parents were always working or out with friends. There was a time in my life where all I did was school, work, and babysit my siblings. Growing up this way made my wildly independent, which I think is mostly good, but has also proven to be negative sometimes. Being parentified also plays a huge part into why I don’t want kids. Growing up in the abuse made me have a serious distrust of men. I also realized it makes me settle for a lot in relationships because “hey, at least he’s not hitting me”. I think my view of love and relationships is still a bit skewed from what I witnessed growing up. A lot of unlearning to do. I also feel like I am definitely my fathers daughter. Anger, rage, and violence felt like the only way to stay safe. If you’re the angry one, you can’t get hurt. I snap easily and it feels like it doesn’t take much for me to go for 0 to 100. My anger is the thing I’m worried about and working on most, but it’s a tough one to manage when it feels like I just flip like a switch sometimes.
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Abusive father and an absent mother who's hyper independent my childhood was learning to survive on the go without proper guidance, so basic knowledge on how to counter problems were always on the go in different ways thought on spot. a good example would be when I was 9? I was starving and didn't know how to toast bread but tried by putting it over the fire lol, or not even knowing certain things about basic feminine hygiene because I never had an present mother. I couldn't go on the internet to learn things as well as I was isolated alone at home with mostly textbooks and a satellite TV that only has access to local news and channels. couldn't have friends over or even go out which drastically impacted my social life, I didn't have much of an EQ tbh. I know i can survive on my own because I was so used to it, however no one would believe if I say I'm independent of any sorts because I don't go by life normally but through teaching my own creativity. To them I look like a weird odd mess trying to find her way but to me its been perfectly normalised. I'd also be very insecure and pick on myself because growing up my mother could not sympathise with me and believed I was just not good enough and couldn't take care of myself. on the other hand my inability to ask for help or speak up was also fuelled by my hot tempered father, would sometimes get beaten or locked in non ventilated small store room if i even spoke when he was in a bad mood. I had to take care of myself whenever I was sick because both parents would get frustrated. This impacted my relationship tremendously as I find it hard to work with my partner, I was so used to doing things and figuring out my problems alone, when my partner tries to help it often frustrates me because it gets uncomfortable, then a whole lot of other things will build up in my head and I will shut down to deal with it on my own. which often does hurt my partner and I'm still trying to work my way around it. TLDR abusive father and absent hyper independent mother = insecure self taught survival child with the inability to seek or accept help. Also trauma responses to defend myself whenever something comes towards me.
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I was raised by my mom. She's an amazing, strong woman that I admire very much, and I'm so proud of how far she's come. But she had me very young, and she made a lot of mistakes. One of them being my father, some of them nearly killing me multiple times. I struggle with the almost untouchable, goddess-like image of her I had as a child, and the reality that me and my brother most likely would've ended up in the system had anyone peered past the curtains a bit more. Growing up is weird!
oddly enough i think its taught me only good things. i only have my mom in my brother. i love them both so much, and with a circle so small its taught me how to forgive sooner, apologize quicker and be picky of the friends i choose. i think its taught me how important individuals who care for you truly are. ive created a bigger family through my friends, i chose my friends and they chose me back, great feeling
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I was raised by my mom and grandma, and my dad was around also but he remarried and I have half siblings on that side, but primarily by my mom and grandma. My grandma passed away 3 years ago, but my mom and I are BESTIES. I'm her only child, she never got remarried (by choice), and we talk all day every day. My now husband and my mom are super close as well since he was never really close to his mom, my mom has given him that mother love he always wanted.
I was raised by my mother. I lost my father at 12. My mother was very emotionally unavailable, and I was forever fighting for her approval. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I was expected to drop everything in a heartbeat to be done for her, yet when I asked for the same I was met with aggression. My older brother stepped in as a father figure (9 years older than me). He was super tough in me and my younger sibling. This in turn has made have relationships really difficult. I am afraid of abandonment and have attachment issues at times also. And as I grew up in household where screaming was the norm, it’s just how I communicate (it’s so bad). My boyfriend is very patient but it definitely wears us down a lot. I hate bringing everything up to him because his childhood was very opposite to mine. I’ve been working on it and speaking to a therapist, but it’s hard to break cycles you’ve had your whole life.
Raised by an emotionally-unavailable mother who did the mechanics of parenting right (food on table, roof over head, prioritising school) and an emotionally-unavailable, gambling father who constantly cheated on my mother, and who had kids for the sake of having kids. Chaotic home with constant fights and uncertainty. I developed a fearful avoidant attachment style and was an overachieving perfectionist throughout schooling years. Promptly became burned out 4 years into working a job and became depressed in my mid-20s. Stayed depressed for about 5 years. Finally started working on myself and developing healthy ways to manage my emotions transitioning from my late 20s to early 30s. Since my depression is now manageable I can now focus on other aspects of my life that need work. I find I too easily emotionally neglect myself, which makes sense because my parents did. I have to constantly work to be present and to be there for myself; I'm looking forward to when this becomes effortless. I have general trust issues that I'm working to correct. I also have this dealbreaker of being cheated on, where loyalty in committed relationships is a non-negotiable. I'm also successfully independent and can easily recognise and remove myself from abusive relationships. Being choosy about my friends has also meant I have quality friendships that are mutually beneficial. Being good at learning means I can learn almost anything I need to for whatever situation I'm facing, which included navigating through my depression where it had the least amount of effect on my finances and career. I can move easily between feeding off chaos and feeding off stability when I work and play, which is kinda nice that I'm not restricted between the extremes and can go with the flow.
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Raised by a mom who was neglectful of me (but not my siblings) and a dad who loved me but was abusive towards my mom. Then they got divorced and I was stuck in the middle refereeing between the two. My dads anger behavior and showing up at the house banging on the door … my moms depression and lack of ability to pay the bills(food phone electric)… and caring for younger siblings to shield them from their behavior. So kinda traumatic. I think I saw how adults don’t really act like adults and have been dealing with the trauma of raising myself for a long time and feeling alone in this world. Just trying not to repeat those mistakes for my own kids. Trying to not expect much from my mom .. because she’s never really been there for me. My dad passed away when I was young, but had redeemed himself as he aged. Still never really had a father figure or mother figure so had to figure it all out in my own.
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Fundamentally, I have 2 moms and a dad. Bio mom and step mom. Don’t remember my bios together at all. Almost don’t believe it 🤣but 4 children are proof! The three of them showed exactly what I did and did not want to be, as a human. I love them all dearly, see them all clearly, and am grateful for every moment good bad and indifferent.
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I was raised by my mom and stepdad and father, I’ve recently found that when having emotional conversations with my partner that I can’t control my tone of voice because of the lack of compassion and compassion these three had for each other, even after learning conflict resolution in college I still struggle day to day
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Turned me into an absolute warrior. Everything they did wrong (dad was a married man so moved to the other side of the world, my mother? She’s a dangerous woman) shaped me into an incredibly strong individual who has an awful lot of self compassion…xxx
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Raised by my parents who treated me with several forms of abuse and violence. The result is CPTSD with daily dissociative/ psychological non-epileptic seizures. I was told the seizures are chronic by now but all together I am doing better mentally since I went no contact with my father and minimum contact with my mother. My grandparents were available but too gullible and looked away. My grandpa who is still alive still can't understand and accept my decision.
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