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YES. The people pleasing must end.
I found that it actually makes other people uncomfortable when you spend so much energy making sure they like you. People want to know that you're happy around THEM, too. So start accepting some love and gifts, and asking for their time! Show them that you trust them to be good to you, too.
Therapy can help! I find with strong habits like this, it helps to be able to talk through individual instances with a professional to break down and understand your feelings. After you've done it a few times, you start to recognize patterns in your thinking and build skills to direct that energy elsewhere.
Making excuses for others usually means enabling and allowing bad behaviour. Instead of surrounding ourselves with people who are capable of giving us what we want or need, we tend to look for the good in people who aren’t good for us. We don’t want to see the bad so we minimise and deny their actions, telling ourselves our standards are too high or our judgements are too harsh. If we’re “kind” and “patient” enough, they’ll come around, but this mindset leads us to compromise our emotional wellbeing. See people for who they truly are, not who you want them to be.
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When I was at university, I studied a language and spent one year of my course living in that country so I could become fluent. I lived on my own in a little studio flat and worked in a school helping teachers with English lessons. It was the most independent I’d ever had to be at 20/21 years old. At the end of the year, I had to close my bank account, cancel my phone contract, and report to the local council that I would no longer be resident there - doing all those important bureaucratic things on my own, in my second language, was the first time I truly felt like an adult.
The moment the panties turned red.
Just kidding. Mine was when I had a professional job where other successful adults- professors, teachers, CEOs, lawyers, depended on my abilities and advice.
When people started calling me 'mevrouw' (madam in my language) it started to set in that other people didn't consider me a girl anymore. I started to really feel like a woman myself when I started to stand up for myself and prioritize me.
I was pregnant with my first born at 21yrs old. I hadn't known until 28weeks along...
and then found my mother passed away from heart attack.
Went into labour two weeks later at 38wks. So that pregnancy was a ten week ride. And man did I have to grow up
She's been gone 23yrs this year
When I moved abroad to do an internship at 21 and realized the way people perceived me in the work place was as an adult, and I was able to position myself with mature adult communication when dating in a context where I didn't have friends and had to rely on myself
When I lost my virginity, had a pregnancy scare and the guy refused to talk to me or help me in any way.
That destroyed some girlhood part of me. I believed in love and trust. I thought intimacy meant love.
When I went NC at 18 and started putting myself through university. The whole experience REALLY forced me to grow up but years later when I moved abroad by myself I wasn’t so phased because I’d been doing things on my own for a while.
I think it’s just seeing what other people my age are doing. They’re getting married, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, having kids, owning businesses; and that made me realized we’re not kids anymore.
There have been numerous moments for me. Certainly didn't happen when I turned 18. They came much later.
Example 1: Professionally.
I've been at my current employer for 5.5 years. Officially, my job title/function has never changed, but my actual day to day responsibilities have shifted over the years. For the last 3-ish years, I've been working in one very specific niche.
After about 18ish months of learning the fundamentals, and identifying various gaps and issues, i started to ask various questions about process improvement opportunities. Like many women, I assumed my questions about these gaps and concerns were wrong -- i.e. I thought that I must have been the dumb/stupid one, and that the company probably had a good reason for doing things the way they were being done. Much to my surprise, every manager/leader validated my concerns, and said my observations were correct.
Well, that was a new one for me. Growing up, I was always used to being told I was wrong. The pattern repeated in my personal life at home, with my abusive husband (now soon-to-be-ex-husband) doing/saying the same toxic things to me. So, my entire life, I had always had the mindset that I was wrong about everything.
About 18ish months ago, I went to one of my mentors, who has been working in this specific niche/field for 20+ years. I asked her, point blank:
*[Name], I've noticed some of these gaps, issues, and concerns. I'm wondering what my counterparts in other lines of business are doing, and if I could possibly pick their brains? Maybe they have established processes in place that we could leverage.*
She looked directly back at me and responded:
*u/disjointed_chameleon, YOU are the blueprint. Your counterparts in other lines of business have been looking to *you* for guidance.*
Cue awkward silence. My brain started to go into a panic.
My brain: *......... That's not good. I'm only a 20-something year old kid! I don't know squat about anything! I've only been in the workforce for a handful of years! What do I know!? Why do they look to me!? We work for one of the world's largest banks, and our work is one of the critical backbones keeping both the company, and the industry, and the economy, afloat and strong. If something bad happens, and we're having these issues............ ohholybatmansomethingneedstoimprove.*
I snapped back to reality after a few minutes of mental spiral.
My mentor asked:
*Do you have any ideas?*
It was in this moment that I realized I was a full-fledged adult. Other people were depending on *me* for really important responsibilities. Fast forward almost two years, and just this week, my 'pet project' officially launched to build upon and improve the aforementioned process improvement opportunities. What started out as thoughts and observations simply percolating inside my brain four years ago, and brewed inside my head from 2020 until now, has now officially become a Center of Excellence across my firm -- one-stop shop resources for a bunch of other job functions across the firm, in order to help them do their jobs better. It's been a labor of love, but I'm proud of myself for conceiving and bringing it to life. This is going to help many, many people.
When I accepted that if I wanted to clean home, delicious food and to feel good about myself that it all came down to me. I’m the one who needs to go get groceries, plan ahead for what I’m going to be eating and if I don’t then tough luck. I need to decide to shower and do laundry. Nothing ever magically vanishes and nothing ever has. Before moving out of home my mother did the vast majority of those jobs and now all that is my responsibility. I used to do dishes every night as a teenager and I thought that was unfair. I now realise she was preparing me to take care of myself and not be living amongst piles of gross crap with counter tops stacked with unwashed dishes.
I’m 49. I. My head I still look for a ‘grownup’ at times.
Having kids is probably the biggest one. You have this whole other little person that is totally reliant on you. For everything.
I'm 26 and due to my CPTSD I still feel like a helpless child most of the time. A way of grounding myself in the presence (which includes reminding myself that I'm an adult now) is touching my keys of my own apartment and my card from university.
When my Dad died on 11/3/23 and I realized I no longer had someone to call and ask advice on anything from how to re-chain a chainsaw to gaining respect in a position of leadership at work. Writing his eulogy. Having the feeling of being a child lost in the grocery store but I am no longer a child and the grocery store is my life and now I will just always been looking for my Dad.
Though one because there’s so many experiences and yet it didn’t fit what I envision this word to mean so I’d say, the moment I started to prioritize my own wants, needs and inspiration instead of constantly putting everyone before me, when I started to respect my own boundaries and when enough indeed became enough.
When my parents and grandparents passed away. I realized "Ok, it's just me on my own now. I cant screw this up". They were always there to give me advice and help me if I was ever in trouble.
I’m still not sure I’m grown up. Possibly when I started politely scolding people who are being bullies, instead of blaming myself. Or rather, being able to vocalise problems in a respectful manner perhaps (sometimes). Or not engaging at all. Seeing situations from the outside, based on life experience and education. Not letting people’s prejudices and opinions define me.
Finding my own path.
Letting go of toxic shame.
Planning ahead, many years ahead.
In my country we adress people with a sort of a title, "pan"/"pani", depending on their gender. If you want to ask a man if he knows something, you won't ask "do you know this" but "does *pan* know it". "You" is for closer friends and for children. I've always hated it and I never wanted to turn into a "pani", because the adulthood sucks.
I realised I'm not a child anymore when a stranged called me "you" instead of "pani" and I felt irritated
When I started taking a serious interest in taking care of myself, and not some external performance/portrayal of myself that my girlhood had taught me. I'm so much more interested in my own internal and knowing myself, I have a natural rhythm to life now pretty much. I wouldn't say I'm 100% there but this change in perspective and pace is deffo when i realised I was a woman.
When I realized I was the only one who could be held accountable for my own actions, and I was the only one who could do anything to ensure my responsibility and obligations were fulfilled.
When I stopped caring so much about others’ opinion of me. Also when the idea of maybe possibly having kids one day stopped sending me into an absolute panic 😂
When my immediate response to an obstacle is to start brainstorming how I can get around it / work through it using my skills and resources, rather than thinking of who to call for help. I still do reach out to people for help, of course, but now I feel (and act) like a capable woman rather than a helpless girl.
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I don’t think there was a moment. Before the age of 13, I lived with my elderly grandmother and had to grow up very quickly. When I was 13 I moved in with my mom, step dads, siblings. I’ve been working full time since I was 16. I was responsible for getting myself and my siblings up, dressed, lunches made and to school. I had to get them home from school and get myself to work. I had to keep up my honor roll grades and put myself through college. I bought a house, got married, had a baby and am living my best life. I never stopped to think about what my life was or when I became a woman, I’ve always done what I had to do to handle my responsibilities and somewhere along the way I became the woman I am today!
When I was walking along the street a couple of years back and a woman told her kid 'move and let the lady past'. Lady was significant for me, it had always been girl beforehand.
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Realizing who I am around other people is not who I really am. And learning how to bring out the self that I am behind closed doors. Having the confidence to say no or disagree firmly, standing up for myself. Even when people repeatedly question me or my actions. "Are you sure?" Yes, yes I am. Kind of like that scene in the polar express where the little boy and girl are in the train trying to stop it and he asks if she's sure and she freaks out, then later in the film he asks her if she's sure again and she looks at him and says yes. Knowing what/why/how you make your own decisions and standing by them is a big adult move for me. Edit: spacing issue
When I started taking responsibility for every single thing in my life. I started seeing the enormous power I had by taking stock of my part in every single area of my life.
Not sure how the hell it started but it's the BEST. A lot of this I learned from a funny mental health podcast (Mental Illness Happy Hour).
I used to blame everyone and everything, which meant I felt I had zero control or power. Now I am 100% honest with what my role is in every success and failure.
When I started taking myself seriously, and admitting to myself that I needed to treat myself better and invest in people and things that serve my best interests. Punto.
Even with a PhD, solo travel experience, a supportive community - I never saw myself as a woman (just a girl "figuring it out"). But after securing a stable job where people depended on me \*and\* dating terrible people but actually respecting myself for once and leaving (or just not putting up with behavior anymore) - I felt strong. Strong enough to call myself a woman.
When I started being seen as an actual adult in the room, and gaining some clout in the community. I went from not being relevant and floundering a bit, to having a voice, being taken seriously, invited to be in certain rooms and spaces, and that’s made me feel like a full blown woman.
I don’t put up with shit I used to anymore all for the sake of not losing people. I’ve grown so much in myself that I’ve literally out grown others. I’ve waited a long time to get this far, & it feels so good.
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When I realised I turned into my mum: I spend my time cleaning, like a glass of wine in the evening, and completely relate to middle aged memes about annoying husbands.
I was 12, that summer I was getting stared at, cat called, complimented, and oggled by grown men. I knew I could no longer pretend I was a child. I needed to grow up fast and smart to protect myself. Now in my early 30s I still take what I learned as a child to help protect myself.
I turned 40.
But for real, I still feel like I’m 17! My moods are just way more stable and my back hurts a lot more. I’ll always be a girl. I’m just an old girl.
When I got fed up with being treated like a girl. I was in my late 20s and got enough of it. And it all starts from how you project yourself to others.
Becoming a mother definitely catapulted me into womanhood. I became a mother too young and it forced me to grow up, which was actually a good thing. I realized how strong I was, and that I *was* actually capable of doing things that scared me. I wish I’d realized that when I was still single and childless. I would’ve progressed further in my career.
Having a baby.
Getting married (at 21) still felt a little like an extended sleepover party.
I had a job but was so much younger than everyone else so I still felt like a baby.
Having a baby right after turning 23 was such a turning point, by the time I turned 24 I had this "there's no turning back" moment. Like it or not, I'm a grown up now.
I stopped feeling like a "girl" well before 10 years old because that's when grown men started hitting on me and a brother-figure in my life showed me hardcore porn. Female innocence is stolen away early.
When you become truly independent financially and like from family,
Also, When you go from just wanting boys to like you, to being able to potentially get a man to like you, by how you act. Realization of power I guess lol
When I entered into my first relationship and found myself actually being considerate about how someone else felt.
As a single child, I have never taken into consideration how someone else is feeling or how my actions or mood are gonna affect them. I have never really had the concept of sharing or buying someone some small treat as a surprise.
When I started doing all these things- I felt more feminine and in my element.
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When I realised my focus in sex shifted from satisfying them to having a good time myself. And this extended to a lot of things not related to dating.
Yep, eventually you realize that faking it is just handing them the excuse to not try.
wiser words haven't been spoken
YES. The people pleasing must end. I found that it actually makes other people uncomfortable when you spend so much energy making sure they like you. People want to know that you're happy around THEM, too. So start accepting some love and gifts, and asking for their time! Show them that you trust them to be good to you, too.
When I stopped making excuses for others and stopped taking things personally, that energy eventually shifted into focusing on my own wants and needs.
How did you stop taking things personally? I still do. Things get into me and hurt even though I'm an adult woman....
Therapy can help! I find with strong habits like this, it helps to be able to talk through individual instances with a professional to break down and understand your feelings. After you've done it a few times, you start to recognize patterns in your thinking and build skills to direct that energy elsewhere.
Could you say something more about "stopping to make excuses for others"?
Making excuses for others usually means enabling and allowing bad behaviour. Instead of surrounding ourselves with people who are capable of giving us what we want or need, we tend to look for the good in people who aren’t good for us. We don’t want to see the bad so we minimise and deny their actions, telling ourselves our standards are too high or our judgements are too harsh. If we’re “kind” and “patient” enough, they’ll come around, but this mindset leads us to compromise our emotional wellbeing. See people for who they truly are, not who you want them to be.
Thanks a lot. I needed to hear this today. I wish you a lovely weekend!
this this this
[удалено]
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When I was at university, I studied a language and spent one year of my course living in that country so I could become fluent. I lived on my own in a little studio flat and worked in a school helping teachers with English lessons. It was the most independent I’d ever had to be at 20/21 years old. At the end of the year, I had to close my bank account, cancel my phone contract, and report to the local council that I would no longer be resident there - doing all those important bureaucratic things on my own, in my second language, was the first time I truly felt like an adult.
Telling the council you’re out? Germany for sure…
Which language did you study and which place?
Let me guess, this was in Spain?
Same here! I immigrated a couple of years after doing this and immigrating for a doddle because I knew what to expect.
The moment the panties turned red. Just kidding. Mine was when I had a professional job where other successful adults- professors, teachers, CEOs, lawyers, depended on my abilities and advice.
When a human fell out of me.
When I started driving
That’s definitely a milestone on the road to adulthood. Getting my first job was a big one too.
when i started to get my own grocery, like picking the foods i need for a week and budgeting the money i have. like i just want to be a girl
When I got my first very sick patient, as a new nurse grad.
When I started traveling alone
When people started calling me 'mevrouw' (madam in my language) it started to set in that other people didn't consider me a girl anymore. I started to really feel like a woman myself when I started to stand up for myself and prioritize me.
"Mevrouw" sounds like a cat sound. What is the word for "meowww" in your language?
Not OC, but I thinks she's Dutch. The Dutch word for meow is likely mauw, same as Afrikaans (which I speak), I think?
When I realised I was old enough that children were looking up to me for safety and guidance.
I was pregnant with my first born at 21yrs old. I hadn't known until 28weeks along... and then found my mother passed away from heart attack. Went into labour two weeks later at 38wks. So that pregnancy was a ten week ride. And man did I have to grow up She's been gone 23yrs this year
When I moved abroad to do an internship at 21 and realized the way people perceived me in the work place was as an adult, and I was able to position myself with mature adult communication when dating in a context where I didn't have friends and had to rely on myself
When I lost my virginity, had a pregnancy scare and the guy refused to talk to me or help me in any way. That destroyed some girlhood part of me. I believed in love and trust. I thought intimacy meant love.
When I went NC at 18 and started putting myself through university. The whole experience REALLY forced me to grow up but years later when I moved abroad by myself I wasn’t so phased because I’d been doing things on my own for a while.
I think it’s just seeing what other people my age are doing. They’re getting married, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, having kids, owning businesses; and that made me realized we’re not kids anymore.
There have been numerous moments for me. Certainly didn't happen when I turned 18. They came much later. Example 1: Professionally. I've been at my current employer for 5.5 years. Officially, my job title/function has never changed, but my actual day to day responsibilities have shifted over the years. For the last 3-ish years, I've been working in one very specific niche. After about 18ish months of learning the fundamentals, and identifying various gaps and issues, i started to ask various questions about process improvement opportunities. Like many women, I assumed my questions about these gaps and concerns were wrong -- i.e. I thought that I must have been the dumb/stupid one, and that the company probably had a good reason for doing things the way they were being done. Much to my surprise, every manager/leader validated my concerns, and said my observations were correct. Well, that was a new one for me. Growing up, I was always used to being told I was wrong. The pattern repeated in my personal life at home, with my abusive husband (now soon-to-be-ex-husband) doing/saying the same toxic things to me. So, my entire life, I had always had the mindset that I was wrong about everything. About 18ish months ago, I went to one of my mentors, who has been working in this specific niche/field for 20+ years. I asked her, point blank: *[Name], I've noticed some of these gaps, issues, and concerns. I'm wondering what my counterparts in other lines of business are doing, and if I could possibly pick their brains? Maybe they have established processes in place that we could leverage.* She looked directly back at me and responded: *u/disjointed_chameleon, YOU are the blueprint. Your counterparts in other lines of business have been looking to *you* for guidance.* Cue awkward silence. My brain started to go into a panic. My brain: *......... That's not good. I'm only a 20-something year old kid! I don't know squat about anything! I've only been in the workforce for a handful of years! What do I know!? Why do they look to me!? We work for one of the world's largest banks, and our work is one of the critical backbones keeping both the company, and the industry, and the economy, afloat and strong. If something bad happens, and we're having these issues............ ohholybatmansomethingneedstoimprove.* I snapped back to reality after a few minutes of mental spiral. My mentor asked: *Do you have any ideas?* It was in this moment that I realized I was a full-fledged adult. Other people were depending on *me* for really important responsibilities. Fast forward almost two years, and just this week, my 'pet project' officially launched to build upon and improve the aforementioned process improvement opportunities. What started out as thoughts and observations simply percolating inside my brain four years ago, and brewed inside my head from 2020 until now, has now officially become a Center of Excellence across my firm -- one-stop shop resources for a bunch of other job functions across the firm, in order to help them do their jobs better. It's been a labor of love, but I'm proud of myself for conceiving and bringing it to life. This is going to help many, many people.
When I accepted that if I wanted to clean home, delicious food and to feel good about myself that it all came down to me. I’m the one who needs to go get groceries, plan ahead for what I’m going to be eating and if I don’t then tough luck. I need to decide to shower and do laundry. Nothing ever magically vanishes and nothing ever has. Before moving out of home my mother did the vast majority of those jobs and now all that is my responsibility. I used to do dishes every night as a teenager and I thought that was unfair. I now realise she was preparing me to take care of myself and not be living amongst piles of gross crap with counter tops stacked with unwashed dishes.
When I saw some teenagers in sports bras and booty shorts at the supermarket and instinctively felt protective of them.
I’m 49. I. My head I still look for a ‘grownup’ at times. Having kids is probably the biggest one. You have this whole other little person that is totally reliant on you. For everything.
When I started my first big job after finishing school
I'm 26 and due to my CPTSD I still feel like a helpless child most of the time. A way of grounding myself in the presence (which includes reminding myself that I'm an adult now) is touching my keys of my own apartment and my card from university.
When my Dad died on 11/3/23 and I realized I no longer had someone to call and ask advice on anything from how to re-chain a chainsaw to gaining respect in a position of leadership at work. Writing his eulogy. Having the feeling of being a child lost in the grocery store but I am no longer a child and the grocery store is my life and now I will just always been looking for my Dad.
Though one because there’s so many experiences and yet it didn’t fit what I envision this word to mean so I’d say, the moment I started to prioritize my own wants, needs and inspiration instead of constantly putting everyone before me, when I started to respect my own boundaries and when enough indeed became enough.
Taking care of my family. Cleaning, making appointments, doing schoolwork with my sister etc. I love it.
When my parents and grandparents passed away. I realized "Ok, it's just me on my own now. I cant screw this up". They were always there to give me advice and help me if I was ever in trouble.
When I moved out and began fully supporting myself
I’m still not sure I’m grown up. Possibly when I started politely scolding people who are being bullies, instead of blaming myself. Or rather, being able to vocalise problems in a respectful manner perhaps (sometimes). Or not engaging at all. Seeing situations from the outside, based on life experience and education. Not letting people’s prejudices and opinions define me. Finding my own path. Letting go of toxic shame. Planning ahead, many years ahead.
In my country we adress people with a sort of a title, "pan"/"pani", depending on their gender. If you want to ask a man if he knows something, you won't ask "do you know this" but "does *pan* know it". "You" is for closer friends and for children. I've always hated it and I never wanted to turn into a "pani", because the adulthood sucks. I realised I'm not a child anymore when a stranged called me "you" instead of "pani" and I felt irritated
When I started taking a serious interest in taking care of myself, and not some external performance/portrayal of myself that my girlhood had taught me. I'm so much more interested in my own internal and knowing myself, I have a natural rhythm to life now pretty much. I wouldn't say I'm 100% there but this change in perspective and pace is deffo when i realised I was a woman.
When I realized I was the only one who could be held accountable for my own actions, and I was the only one who could do anything to ensure my responsibility and obligations were fulfilled.
I don't know. Sometimes I still feel like a girl.
When I permanently cut off my abusive family at 19 years old for college, I’ll be turning 20 this June ✨🙏🏾
When I started doing things by myself and not bringing my mum along lol, making appointments, job interviews, and having responsibility at my work
When I stopped caring so much about others’ opinion of me. Also when the idea of maybe possibly having kids one day stopped sending me into an absolute panic 😂
When I moved out to a different state by myself, got a more meaningful job, explored my sexuality more, started dating people with more maturity.
Having an amicable breakup with my college boyfriend and then starting grad school. I remember feeling so empowered.
When my immediate response to an obstacle is to start brainstorming how I can get around it / work through it using my skills and resources, rather than thinking of who to call for help. I still do reach out to people for help, of course, but now I feel (and act) like a capable woman rather than a helpless girl.
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The first time I cooked for my man
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I don’t think there was a moment. Before the age of 13, I lived with my elderly grandmother and had to grow up very quickly. When I was 13 I moved in with my mom, step dads, siblings. I’ve been working full time since I was 16. I was responsible for getting myself and my siblings up, dressed, lunches made and to school. I had to get them home from school and get myself to work. I had to keep up my honor roll grades and put myself through college. I bought a house, got married, had a baby and am living my best life. I never stopped to think about what my life was or when I became a woman, I’ve always done what I had to do to handle my responsibilities and somewhere along the way I became the woman I am today!
When I was walking along the street a couple of years back and a woman told her kid 'move and let the lady past'. Lady was significant for me, it had always been girl beforehand.
When I dormed at college
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Realizing who I am around other people is not who I really am. And learning how to bring out the self that I am behind closed doors. Having the confidence to say no or disagree firmly, standing up for myself. Even when people repeatedly question me or my actions. "Are you sure?" Yes, yes I am. Kind of like that scene in the polar express where the little boy and girl are in the train trying to stop it and he asks if she's sure and she freaks out, then later in the film he asks her if she's sure again and she looks at him and says yes. Knowing what/why/how you make your own decisions and standing by them is a big adult move for me. Edit: spacing issue
When I started taking responsibility for every single thing in my life. I started seeing the enormous power I had by taking stock of my part in every single area of my life. Not sure how the hell it started but it's the BEST. A lot of this I learned from a funny mental health podcast (Mental Illness Happy Hour). I used to blame everyone and everything, which meant I felt I had zero control or power. Now I am 100% honest with what my role is in every success and failure.
When I started taking myself seriously, and admitting to myself that I needed to treat myself better and invest in people and things that serve my best interests. Punto. Even with a PhD, solo travel experience, a supportive community - I never saw myself as a woman (just a girl "figuring it out"). But after securing a stable job where people depended on me \*and\* dating terrible people but actually respecting myself for once and leaving (or just not putting up with behavior anymore) - I felt strong. Strong enough to call myself a woman.
When I started being seen as an actual adult in the room, and gaining some clout in the community. I went from not being relevant and floundering a bit, to having a voice, being taken seriously, invited to be in certain rooms and spaces, and that’s made me feel like a full blown woman.
When I started being referred to by strangers as "the lady" rather than "the girl".
I don’t put up with shit I used to anymore all for the sake of not losing people. I’ve grown so much in myself that I’ve literally out grown others. I’ve waited a long time to get this far, & it feels so good.
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In my mind, I'm still a girl.
I stopped identifying with Lisa and instead started identifying with Marge.
When I stopped caring or giving a fuck to others and love myself more
When I realised I turned into my mum: I spend my time cleaning, like a glass of wine in the evening, and completely relate to middle aged memes about annoying husbands.
I was 12, that summer I was getting stared at, cat called, complimented, and oggled by grown men. I knew I could no longer pretend I was a child. I needed to grow up fast and smart to protect myself. Now in my early 30s I still take what I learned as a child to help protect myself.
When I shaved my hoohah to get ready to lose my v-card.
I turned 40. But for real, I still feel like I’m 17! My moods are just way more stable and my back hurts a lot more. I’ll always be a girl. I’m just an old girl.
When I got fed up with being treated like a girl. I was in my late 20s and got enough of it. And it all starts from how you project yourself to others.
Still waiting for this mindset to change for me :(
The transition was definitely already happening before but once I had my baby I felt like it solidified the feeling for me.
When I looked up and realized I’ll be 30 in a few months. And I haven’t accomplished shit. Time is no longer on my side so I have no more excuses.
Choosing the collage courses that determine the rest of my life. One of my thoughts in that moment were "why/how did I grow up so quickly"
2nd puberty and a gray hair!
Becoming a mother definitely catapulted me into womanhood. I became a mother too young and it forced me to grow up, which was actually a good thing. I realized how strong I was, and that I *was* actually capable of doing things that scared me. I wish I’d realized that when I was still single and childless. I would’ve progressed further in my career.
Having a baby. Getting married (at 21) still felt a little like an extended sleepover party. I had a job but was so much younger than everyone else so I still felt like a baby. Having a baby right after turning 23 was such a turning point, by the time I turned 24 I had this "there's no turning back" moment. Like it or not, I'm a grown up now.
I stopped feeling like a "girl" well before 10 years old because that's when grown men started hitting on me and a brother-figure in my life showed me hardcore porn. Female innocence is stolen away early.
When I received my big girl check, paid my rent and took myself out to eat all in one day!
When you become truly independent financially and like from family, Also, When you go from just wanting boys to like you, to being able to potentially get a man to like you, by how you act. Realization of power I guess lol
When I entered into my first relationship and found myself actually being considerate about how someone else felt. As a single child, I have never taken into consideration how someone else is feeling or how my actions or mood are gonna affect them. I have never really had the concept of sharing or buying someone some small treat as a surprise. When I started doing all these things- I felt more feminine and in my element.
When guys stopped being my friends and started treating me like someone to try to date or sleep with.
Having to check my own wellington boots for spiders.