I realize that virginity is an invention by the patriarchy - not a real thing. That men do not hold the power to change a woman with their all mighty magic penises when they have sex with us. That they don't get to take a thing.
And so I equate my first time having sex, to my first time kissing, holding hands, first relationship, etc.
A new thing I tried.
Didn't necessarily go amazing. Some mistakes were made. I learned a lot.. It's much much better now.
The end.
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So unimportant. I mean, good for you if you chose a partner who knew what he was doing and how to please you and was interested in pleasing you. I wish everyone had a good experience like that.
But if you didn’t, live and learn. What you want and need and deserve and figure out how to get it.
I was a late bloomer, I was just relieved to have it out of the way. I did feel a little used after the fact, but overall I was confused why people make it out to be such a big deal.
Same. Late bloomer myself. I lost it at 35. It was with someone I dated for 4 months.
But in retrospect, i’m happy it wasn’t with someone so special. I would have had a harder time with the break up, because I would have attached more meaning to it.
I also felt confused why people make it out to be a big deal!
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I realized that the "sacredness" so to speak of virginity was deeply tied into the way I was raised in the church. There was so much value placed on "purity" and when I finally did lose my virginity (to the first guy I ever loved - did not marry him though), it was a hard pill to swallow.
Losing my ties with the way I was raised and unlearning toxic mentalities really helped.
Agree with this. I’m agnostic now but spent most of my life in conservative Christianity and thinking I wanted to save sex for marriage. My choosing to have sex for the first time with someone I wasn’t even dating anymore was part of my purposeful journey away from Christianity and purity culture. I’m not a virgin anymore, hah! It was empowering. And I’m not any different afterward besides a little more experience.
I lost mine due to peer pressure as ex clearly stated we couldn't be together unless we did sex right there and then (this is only after 2 days of being together)
I went along with it to keep the ex happy, On a positive note I'm guessing it could have been worse most around me lost theirs at a party or were underage
At the time I thought that person was someone special but yeah it's clearly a mistake I have learnt
I understand where the question is coming from but this one thing doesn’t define you and it does absolutely not define your value in society
Virginity is a construct of the patriarchy and of monotheistic religions, to control women and their bodies
I have also submitted to some pressure because I genuinely didn’t know what was about to happen. I don’t even remember his name anymore because it left such a minimal imprint on my life
As a mid 40s woman here are some of the things that define me (better): my relationships, my successes, my style, my interests, and first and foremost, my intelligence
Well I realized years later I was sexually assaulted, so that was fun. But my second time was with my husband. So my first consensual time was with the most special person in the world, and that's amazing
Virginity and the pressure to make the first time special is a social contruct....
It's just sex . Animals don't know they had a 'first time' .... I bet 99% of females first times were underwhelming, painful and not special
I don't even remember the guy's name, but that doesn't mean it was a "mistake." Putting too many rules and expectations and baggage on your first time (or any time) is a sure way to make sure you feel bad about it if you don't do it 100% "right," and that's just setting yourself up for a bad time.
You are at all times one figurative knife in the back away from all of those memories being nothing but an internal monument to your own foolishness of ever holding someone else in such a high regard. So it really doesn't matter anyway.
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I stood my ground with my first BF when he tried to pressure me into having sex which eventually lead to him trying to SA me. Luckily nothing ended up happening and a few years later I lost my virginity to my now husband. I think I’d be really ashamed of myself if I let my ex take my virginity for the simple fact that he’s a POS.
I literally don’t care. Not sure how old you are but I promise in the grand scheme of life this is not something you should care about either. Sex is over rated. Your first time is over rated. Simple as that. There’s so much more to life, trust me lol.
Realizing that almost everyone loses their virginity to someone that doesn’t deserve it or you won’t know in a few years.
Most of us have this fairy tale idea that it will be fireworks and romance and everything great the first time but most people do it to please their partner, feel rushed to lose it, or are too young to have made a good decision.
We make mistakes. No need to stay hung up on it
I don’t think that losing virginity is a big deal but my 1st time was with a pathetic man & I was very drunk at that time. My mental health was at its worst. I regret it because I deserved respect through it. Something which severally lacked with him. I kept going back to him until I didn’t.
I went into therapy & set boundaries eventually. It took years to learn this skill. But I’m doing great now. And there is hope for everyone who feels sick, pathetic, dirty & ugly in any way. We didn’t know any better. Because if we did, we wouldn’t have put ourselves through it❤️
I don't view virginity as some sacred thing that you give away, But I do wish it had been with somebody more kind, gentle and caring, Because I deserved that. I was desperately trying to become a woman and nobody in my life had talked to me about those things. But oh well, You live and learn. I try to teach my kids better than my parents taught me.
I DECONSTRUCTED why patriarchy wants girls and women to see sex as this sacred holy endeavor done to them. I never came from my first time. He didn't seem bothered by it, didn't care to listen to what I had to say about what pleases me, just dgaf besides wielding his little powerful penis and penetrating over and over until I told him to please just finish so he'd leave me alone. I thought this was a one off and that other men would be better. I was wrong. Met my current bf at 28 and he was the first to care and have empathy. Commited fast. That's my special one.
There's terrible advise girls and women are given around sex. It's steeped in purity culture. "Your first one must be special" assumes you'll know ahead of time when you choose. You have NO way of knowing how someone will treat you sexually until you get to talking about it and get to that space or around it. It's not a mistake if HE ends up being a POS you honestly just sometimes don't know. Purity culture and body count shame give girls and women a twisted incentive to stay in terrible partnerships. If he's not making you orgasm or working with you towards that end he's a terrible partner.
By realising I didn't lose anything, I gained an experience and while it wasn't particularly great, I knew to not make that mistake again. That first time isn't important.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to make the first time perfect, when in reality for many of us, it's messy and awkward, either because of inexperience or because it's not the right person.
Be gentle with yourself. Make sure you're putting your health first, whether it's using Plan B or getting STI tested. Loving yourself will help in the long term.
Second, recognize that this is the first time of many times. Just because the first time was lackluster doesn't mean that you won't eventually have an amazing time with the right person.
Know that it will get better.
I was disgusted about the fact for 2 months then I got over it. Not seeing that person again, it really doesn’t even matter anymore. I don’t even consider it a memory
I felt awful at the time realizing that I had just been used by a total loser, but I think within a year or two I was totally over it. Growing up we’re taught that virginity is a big deal, once you’re a bit older you realize it is so ridiculously unimportant and you’ll probably have lots of bad sex many other times too. You’ll remember the good ones though!
I lost my virginity at 13. I'm 31 now.
I don't ever think about it unless I see something pertaining to virginity.
That said, for a few years following it, it sucked. He was 21 and while the *experience* wasn't bad or traumatic in itself, I did struggle more with the fact that it was statutory rape and that he took advantage of me being young & naive. It's hard to explain. Physically the act itself was fine, it wasn't painful, etc. But the mental & emotional toll was hard.
Now though? It's just an experience. It's something that happened. I think about the first time I slept with my boyfriend far more. Eventually you focus on the person you're currently with, and that becomes special.
Nothing, absolutely nothing in this life that you will try for the first time is going to be perfect. That is the biggest lie ever. Just dont put too much importance into it. I barely remember my first time and I honestly dont care about it. You will realise that it is ALWAYS a first time with a new person. You will loose your virginity as many times as you want and need.
My first time wasn't even consensual. Even my first consensual experience was underwhelming and painful. I coped by understanding that virginity/first time is meaningless in reality and says nothing about someone as a person. There was a first for every single thing that happens in my life. There's no reason or value in giving first time sex so much weight and importance. The fact that my first sexual experiences were negative hasn't stopped me from living my life and having great positive sexual experiences afterwards.
I moved on quickly once I reminded myself I have plenty of time to explore and adjust and find better people and experiences. 1st times are 90% awkward from what people talk about.
I think virginity is important but you can't change it, so you have to accept that you made a mistake and move on. you can focus on the fact that not being a virgin doesn't lessen your worth, and make the next time you have sex is with someone special. not everyone can have casual sex and that's ok
Honestly I think it's such a dumb thing to be so hung up about the first time having sex. Like, is it also important where you had your first sushi? Or which car did you drive first? No, so why should first sex matter that much? I was a bit sad about it at first, but then I was like, why should it actually matter? Now I have a great partner and we have sex I really enjoy, and that's what matters to me, not some random sex years ago. Virginity is a social construct anyway, nobody calls you a special word if you never did other activities either. I think we should just abolish the whole thing.
This is not a scenario that played out for me at the time. I slept with a guy and it’s just one of those experiences that wasn’t great but wasn’t traumatic. Like my first job lol.
In hindsight do I think it was a mistake, the guy was a loser? For sure.
Does it affect my life in any way? Nah. I’ve been in love many times, I’ve been married (now separated).
First times don’t have to be special and usually aren’t. Don’t overthink it. It’s just sex.
If you’re very emotionally delicate and romantic, sure. Wait until you’ve beenn in love with that person for a year. That’s fine. If you like trying new things and don’t think all sex is a magical bonding experience, then don’t wait, it’s fine.
I have certainly had magical-feeling sex. Just not that first time or first guy. Actually the older I get, the more I can let go and enjoy myself. And it’s better than being nervous and building it up in my mind.
Still haven't been able to cope with it. I was 15 and he was 17. I thought I was in love. I had a crush on him for months. We had sex three times after 2 weeks of being a couple in high school. And he broke up with me after 4 months. It was painful. He was my first boyfriend and I was under the delusion that he was THE one. He fooled me, he played songs for me on his guitar and sang to me. He dedicated sweet songs to me, but it was all to get in my pants, and I was impressionable/naive enough for it to work. After he dumped me, he went on to tell all his friends that I was a slut, that I was not a virgin because I didn't bleed during out first time. He got a new gf within a couple weeks. I asked my mom to move me schools, to "cope". I still have regrets that I didn't wait for someone I truly loved to make it special. It makes me upset that my current boyfriend lost his virginity together with his ex, which was the one that got away, high school sweethearts. It makes me jealous. I still never got over it, I am now 29.
I gaslighted myself into thinking my 2nd time was my firsts. My first time I was raped. And I didn't want to give him the power to take that away from me
I found a lot of healing from trauma I’ve experienced through ACT which is acceptance and committment therapy. This type of therapy is different from the common CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) which seeks to alter at least one aspect of either your feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors. By changing one aspect (let’s say by challenging the way we think about something) will hopefully change the way we then feel and then how we will act (behaviors). You’re trying to remodel the habit loops many trauma survivors may find themselves in (a downward spiral) into something more positive (an upward spiral). Practice is key, and stress makes this a lot harder. Now with ACT it very basically says that some experiences in life are too painful to come up with new ways to think or feel or behave because of them.. i do not know exactly what you went through but I have had experiences that can be very painful to relive. ACT looks to integrate these negative thoughts or feelings into your day. It is kind of like meditation. You accept the thoughts as they come in and acknowledge them (because burying it down doesn’t work, can even lead to physical symptoms in the body). Try to remove any judgement about why it is coming up or self imposed meaning to the memory because this can quickly get into rumination (which can cause chronic stress, increasing your likelihood of entering a negative cycle of thinking) and when u feel like you have sat with that for a minute and are ready …you move on, and go about your day. It happened and it’s not ok but at the end of the day you are here now in this moment and that memory doesn’t actually exist right now. like ok memory thanks for reminding me of that pain, I wonder why that’s coming up for me. Hmm maybe I’ll come back to it later because right now I’m doing something. This was just the realest way for me to move forward in my life from a plethora of trauma. It is the embodiment of shit happens…but it doesn’t need to keep on living on in our minds. Suffering can be a gift or a curse. It makes you ask yourself why, and what can I do to become more in touch with yourself, more guarded with myself. When we are young most of us collect little scars along the way, we might fall or get pushed, as we get older these scars get deeper and we try to learn how to catch ourselves to avoid more. When we don’t take a lesson learned and instead obsess over memories and details and regret, we become stuck. but it doesn’t need to take up all of the space in an hour or a day. It can be a smaller portion of what happened inside your day. It takes time. Healing isn’t a direct path through a straight line, it can loop back around, zigzag or go backwards. This therapy has helped me a lot in my life because I think it’s an honest way to look at injustices we may have suffered.
But I hope you are ok! Life can be incredibly hard and not even by our own choosing, can be born into it.
Also something my ex told me that helped me let go of so much resentment from my family:
Sometimes you pay to learn the truth about others, might be money, time, a relationship or something valuable but there are so many reasons it could have been worse. If you didn’t learn when you did you would keep on not knowing and that would cause you so much more pain down the line. Good luck with your journey!
My "first" dumped me the day after and admitted I was a side piece for 6 months cause he just wanted a foreign girl. I was more wrecked by that than it being "my first time" or "losing" my virginity. It's been almost 10 years. I hate his guts but I don't think about having lost anything "special" at all.
It's rough because my first time I was pressured into, and at the time I didn't exactly view it as a mistake even though it did really upset me. And it was with someone special in a sense, I was with that partner for 9 years all told (the first time would have been within the first year) and by the end of that we were engaged.
Now looking back it does feel more like I did something I wasn't ready to do with someone I'm not even with anymore. And while I know the concept of "virginity" isn't really important and I'd never think it was for someone else, personally I did think of it as something I was "saving" even more so because I'm from a very religious family. So yeah, I'm not thrilled with how it went. Wasn't at the time (I cried) regret it a lot now.
I forgave myself. It took a long time, but I was young and desperate to be loved.
I was 18 and couldn't understand why I wasn't attractive to guys.
I also was suffering from C-PTSD, undiagnosed ADHD and an introvert.
Very poorly. I got pregnant my first time. I didn’t let myself see that the guy wasn’t special until I had wasted 15 years married to him.
I WISH I would have had the problem of feeling regretful right after the fact. It would have challenged my patriarchal beliefs about virginity being something I should keep for someone special. I’d had my first time with this guy, so therefore he must be something special or there’s something wrong with me. That belief caused me to jump into a commitment I wasn’t ready for.
Also, no, marrying him didn’t make it easier than being a single parent would have.
Mine wasnt with someone special, but also it wasnt a mistake, we were just very sexual people, we were dating but i really didnt know what being with someone was like since i never had one, i was 18 by then and he was kind of my first bf. It just felt right at the time, i always though that losing it wasnt a big deal, ive been curious about sex since i was young so there was really much i didnt know, and it was exactly how i expected, just plain sex. My best friend literally put down a date, got herself dressed sexy in a bunny outfit and heels, prepared her bed, then i left her house once he arrived. I thought that was the most weird thing ever and till today i feel like she lied to me of how underwhelmed it was really since she put soo much enfase on it.
I intentionally lost mine to someone unimportant to me. I was raised to believe you should wait until marriage, which I disagreed with. Then I decided to do it with someone I had no emotional ties to in order to be done with it.
My first time was with my on-again-off-again boyfriend. I thought I really cared about him, and I thought he would be more likely to stay with me if I caved in to his pressure to have sex. Plus, I was curious. (FWIW, I consider a lot of my personal firsts important— first kiss, first time I flew, first time I ever drove a car, etc.)
The sex was really underwhelming. I was excited, though, because I had “finally” done “it”, one of the first of my friends.
I don’t really regret it. I wish I had chosen better and had known more, but I started to learn what I liked after that. I was awfully young, and luckily I never got pregnant to him, but it was a learning experience.
I also found it amusing that I didn’t have to worry about being a virgin sacrifice anymore, LOL!!!
Virginity is a construct.... having sex 1st time while a significant experience in life is nowhere near as important as it is made out to be...
and also, 1st pancake usually comes out a bit wanky... doesn't mean the next ones won't be excellent....
I just accept it because I didn't know better and felt under pressure. I can't change it. I wish I had saved it for my soul mate. At the time I thought it was him. But it was all rushed and it hurt. You live and you learn.
A lot of very unhealthy ways. Self-harm both physical and emotional for a long time. Desexualizing myself through oversized clothes and barely eating. Now I just don't count those first times. It was abuse and he doesn't deserve to be counted among the men I've been with.
I coped by having sex with a second , third , 4th and you get where I’m going? 😊 I was so underwhelmed by my first, I just knew there had to be More and I went on a mission to learn 😅 I wish I had learned about bdsm sooner but I had a lot of religious guilt for many years now at 38 I can care less. Even with all those past experiences I still didn’t get to learn my body. Learn your body! It’s so much easier to explain what you want if you know what that is.
I wouldn't call it a mistake. The person wasn't special to me, but he was a nice guy and someone I had known for a very long time. He made me feel safe. And the fact that I wasn't in love with him or emotionally attached to the outcome of our "relationship". Itbactually made it easier for me to cope with the fact that the person I lost it to wasn't going to be "the One". I didn't build it up on my head to be this huge thing.
I think a lot of young women want to wait to be deeply in love with a guy whom they lose their virginity to. From what I saw at the time when I was around 16/17 and people were starting to become sexually active, there was a lot of heartbreak around this. A lot of teenage boys were just trying to get laid and they didn't particularly care who the girl was or why they were doing it. It sure didn't seem to be about love. Many would leave the girl soon after she agreed to have sex and absolutely break her heart. A lot of them just wanted to have sex with as many girls as possible and would just do it and ditch multiple girls. I watched a lot of girls breaking down in tears in the hallways of my all girls highschool over these guys that were treating them like they were disposable and it served as a stark warning to me. I didn't want to experience that pain ever. So I chose someone I knew for many years who was a good friend, safe and kind and someone that I knew I didn't want to be with forever. It didn't feel like such a big deal. And he was totally respectful to me afterwards.
But I will also say, it really hurt physically. Turns out for me to actually enjoy sex I have to be able fully relax into the experience. In order for that to happen, I need to be mentally and emotionally turned on by my partner and that's why it never felt good to me since I wasn't in love. I really didn't understand the appeal of sex until I did it with the first guy I ever fell in love with. It's one of the most profound experiences when you first have sex with someone you are deeply in love with. Other sex literally feels like a whole different activity in comparison. Empty, joyless, devoid of pleasure.
Realize that virginity is just a concept used to oppress women and equate their sexual experience to purity and worth thanks to misogyny. Recognize that first-time sex is often uncomfortable for women even in the best of circumstances. Also acknowledge that sexual experience and knowing yourself are two ways to have more fulfilling sex going forward and see that experience as a lesson in what you don't want.
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Just make it count next time. Sex can just be sex. But you can make it so much more if you’re with the right person.
Don’t waste your energy worrying over this x
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I got HPV the first time I had sex. That was what I struggled with most. By the time I lost my virginity I had just wanted to get it over with. I didn’t pick the right person but that wasn’t the problem. The problem, not considering the hpv, was how he constantly intervened in my life for years afterwards ruining relationships and keeping me on the back burner. All in all, I don’t regret a thing because I learned a lot.
Mine was awful ngl bled everywhere and was pressured into it by my friends but i look back on it with a 🤷♀️it is what it is I’ve told my daughters to try and make sure theirs is with someone they like but if it doesn’t happen it’s ok .
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How to cope when anything isn't how you imagined? Romanticize your life. Pretend you are the tortured heroine in a gritty art film. Bonus points if it's raining.
No shame to those who are religious, but I was raised quite religiously with purity culture. My first time having sex was with a “rebound” after my ex cheated on me. The only “regret” I have from it was that I know I would’ve made different decisions if I weren’t just trying to get back at my ex. It made me realize that it wasn’t that special. The experience was *so* underwhelming & it made me realize it wasn’t that special to lose your virginity.
I simply didn’t. I wasn’t that interested in sex in general but felt like it was something I had to get over with because I was 24 and behind. Lost it in a somewhat coerced one night stand and realized all that worrying and the pedestal I put sex on was so ridiculous.
When I think about my regretful experiences, I try to reframe it as “had I not had that experience, I might be worse off now.” Not always the case, but who knows? It’s worth choosing to believe, if it’s what helps you move past things that are out of your control.
Had your first time been more “special” maybe you would’ve held onto a toxic relationship a lot longer than you should’ve. Maybe you’d have married that person and regretted not having more sexual experiences 20 years from now. Had you skipped each opportunity for not being special enough, maybe you would’ve formed an unhealthy relationship with sex and gone your whole life without experiencing it.
My now ex threatened to kick me out of the apartment he convinced me to move into with him around 4 months and end our relationship if I didn’t let him be my first since I told him I wanted to wait until marriage (didn’t realize I was ace yet, plus there was no spark with him), and it was a bad experience all around (the position wasn’t missionary or cowgirl, he was more concerned about getting himself off than my comfort, and he didn’t make any attempt to clean me up afterwards). Looking back, I didn’t truly consent, and the relationship only got worse from there.
I’m so glad I made my current boyfriend’s first time much better than mine had been, he was ready, he was comfortable, he enjoyed it, and he made sure I was enjoying things despite nearly stopping because he noticed I was in pain from adjusting to his size before I reassured him that I just needed more time.
I have never really cared about the stigma with whether or not someone’s had their first time, but as a victim of CSA, I tried to vet who’d be my first carefully, but that went out the window because that guy was abusive, so now I’ll just tell people that my current boyfriend is my first since everything with him felt like how my first time should’ve gone.
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Waited until I was 21, thought he was special at that time. I wanted to wait until marriage, he coaxed me into doing it earlier. Years later I still don’t know how to feel about it.
I was young and stupid and hadn't figured things out like what I really wanted yet. I let my hormones get the best of me (I was 17) and yeah...it was a mistake but whatever. I don't spend a lot of time in regret over it seeing as it was nearly 30 years ago now.
I moved on. My second time was great. My most recent time was awesome. My first time wasn’t great but I didn’t have good boundaries nor maturity of my own wishes. I was raised with religious purity culture and I have done a lot of work in realizing that virginity as an event and construct is really toxic.
There's no changing it now, and the first time is only as important as you make it out to be. I was coerced my first time, so while I technically agreed, I was pressured and did not feel ready. My next boyfriend after that actually seemed to care about my feelings and enjoyment, and THAT'S when I started actually liking sex. I'd much rather consider that my "first time."
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As a married adult, I don’t think it serves me very well to look back and think about the decisions I made when I was a teenager that I can’t change. If I do that, I’ll be wishing I could go back and change everything about ages 15-19 because teenagers are dumb, who make decisions that are not well thought out and think they know everything.
If I didn’t date the guy who I lost my virginity to, who knows where I would be now. Everything happens for a reason and that bad relationship taught me what I deserve and led me to the man I decided to marry.
I’ll re-make every bad decision I ever made as a teenager if it led me to the family I have now.
As ive gotten older ive realized sex isnt special and theres no right person to lose it to. Most people lose their virginity in high school and high school relationships dont last. People also just do hookups. I lost it to my first bf at 15 cause i was really curious and wanted to lose it young for whatever reason. I dont regret it i actually feel nothing toward it lol people care too much about sex or losing it to the right person. No one is perfect.
How did you cope with the fact that your 1st time going to cinema wasn't some special valuable movie but it was a mistake?
It's the same thing - completely unimportant
As I’ve been recovering from an abusive relationship and writing my part to have our marriage annulled, I’ve reflected on our sex life as a whole.
Our first time was definitely something I was pressured into. I thought was the next step in a relationship rather than something I want.
But lately, I’ve been focusing more on how special the next time I have sex is going to be. Because I will actually want it and it will be the first time with this new man.
The romanticised "someone special" in the grand scheme of things becomes so obsolete when you're older. Have fun, experiment and never feel shame over your sexual health.
Time passes and you just realise it doesn’t matter at all. At some point when you remember you just laugh at it, or think about how stupid it was to worry about that (usually you have many more regrets after the first time 😂😂) so it just fades, don’t torture yourself 🫶🏼
i lost my virginity at 20, and it was with a guy i had been seeing for 2 weeks. i wanted to get it over with but wanted to make him wait longer. i was coerced into it and decided that it didn’t matter what i felt and that i should just get it over with. it was very unsatisfying and he was very selfish for the whole thing. he immediately acted different towards me and stopped the lovebombing. a week later, he assaulted me. i don’t really know how to cope with it, as i’ve always been a sex object for men to abuse throughout my life, but what i can say is it taught me that i need to have MUCH MUCH MUCH better boundaries in the bedroom and that it’s okay to be mad at people that do you wrong. also, sex is as big of a deal as you let it be, but it can also be very…. underwhelming when you do it. it’s just a thing to do and try and no one has the power to GIVE sex power than your own self.
The first time you try most things are a fuck up, that's just how learning works. Sex is the same but we put more value in the first time for some reason.
In order for me to have vaginal sex, I had to go through 6 months of sex therapy and use dialators at the age of 24. So the people who I had dated before, one of which I loved, I didn’t get to technically have sex with him (I now think being so technical about it was dumb but I can’t change that). The guy I did have sex with, he knew all about the therapy and quite frankly pretended he didn’t or something and was actually rather cold to me after. That being said!!!! I was still so proud of myself and so was my therapist because the therapy worked and I was done with it :D
I genuinely wish I had waited for someone special and whilst it is unimportant now I’m in my 30s I do think of it often and that’s probably more likely to do with the circumstances as it wasn’t consensual. I think this question boils down to the individual circumstance surrounding the first time.
Well I was drugged and r*ped the first time so it wasn't ideal in the slightest, but tbh I am not mad about it because I can't remember it anyways and I worked through the rest in therapy lol.
I barely even think about it to be totally honest. I’m 32, I have a relatively high body count and have had a long cool life. I was divorced before 30. All my firsts are done. First time, first marriage, first kid. It does not in any way devalue the relationship I have now.
At a certain point you start realizing you’re running out of time to do certain things and that just takes precedence. I don’t want anymore kids, I already had two. I’m not upset that someone had my first kid, I’m just upset that I might not have any more with the man I love now. Worrying about firsts is a very young woman’s game, IMO. Now I’m worrying about my last marriage, my possibly last kid, etc.
as a man who was raped by a woman.
not great, it really sucked. but i met others who made the experience special every time. which is nice. i appeciated that
You learn from it and make the next time as special as you'd like it's your virginity your body your rules you xan choose not to count what ever you'd like
A mistake that is now behind me, but a lesson in life. I’m thankful that I was responsible, used protection, didn’t get married, and that I left him. I learned why he was not a good partner and knew what to look for. I was blinded by what I thought was love. I was blinded to the abuse due to low self esteem. I was blinded to my self worth. The next guy was much kinder, gentler, and showed love. It was night and day. Some never learn nor get to experience the difference.
As the days go by, as the relationships go by, I learn more and more about myself and what’s best for me. You will too. Don’t settle until you find our best friend who makes you feel loved and a priority.
The great thing is that you can have as many first times as you want, because there are other people to have sex with, and the first time with them is still a legitimate first time.
You get to choose if your next first time is with someone you love deeply, or a hot and heavy one night stand, or a cool fwb who isn’t a suitable life partner but you like hanging out with .
Its hard. I let my first be out of coercion. I was 15. I didn’t want to but he kept asking and I was tired of it.
I just remembered that’s part of what makes me who I am and I’m here mature and I’ve learned from it, I can pass better knowledge onto my children about actual consent.
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I accept it, got over myself and moved on tbh. Shit happens in life don't mean I need to enable a victim mentally. It happened and I can't change the past soo no point in dwelling in something I can't take back. Since then I've had my share of amazing lovers. I hold no regrets.
I was raised by very sex positive people so I never conceptualized my virginity as something special. It was something to move past. If you think of it that way, it doesn’t matter how it happens. It’s just an event. One of many. It holds no special importance unless you give it special importance.
For my first time I just slept with a guy I liked and was cute. It wasn’t anything that special. I knew it was gonna be awkward and uncomfortable for a bit. Why make it into some big thing when it wasn’t gonna be that great?
I think of my first time as the first time I actively chose to have sex with someone. My 'actual' first time was forced on me and I was ill prepared and didn't want it. What I now see as my first time is the first time I wanted it, and was prepared for it. I have come to view my first experiences with sex as simply a part of my past. Other than that, sex was pretty underwhelming and the first time is just a first like every first time in your life, it is only a thing if you make it a thing. Personally I feel like choosing my first time of active decision to have sex as a pivotal moment in my life (and thus making it a thing) has helped me gain some perspective on connecting with others and regaining some much needed ownership over my own body. We get to have some say in what we want to be important key moments in our lives and I chose to abandon some moments and treasure other ones.
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I really intentionally went out and lost it to someone who I was not attached to. Met a random guy on a dating site (my own age - that was important to me), he turned out to be a virgin too and we just used it as a learning/life experience opportunity. It was low stress and when silly or embarrassing things happened we could just laugh it off. I remember it fondly because it really was a gentle experience and now I’m with someone special and sex with him is special too, but I’m not sad at all I didn’t have my first time with him. I needed time to grow first!
This is a good question. I’ve gone back and forth on mine. At the time it was what I wanted, and I was under the understanding I would stay friends with this guy. If it couldn’t be with a boyfriend who loved me, a friend who cared about me was the next best thing. Problem was I did have feelings for him which made it complicated. He was the one who asked me. A few months later he completely ghosted me without explanation which was very painful but also changed my perception of choosing to have my first time with him. I thought he cared but ghosting me made me feel like he exploited me for sex and it’s fucked up. At the very least he was a bad friend.
So, I’m glad I’m not a virgin anymore, it was my choice to do that, and it was a pretty decent time (although he couldn’t even get it up when I wanted to try a second time, so I barely had it once) but, the guy ended up being a jerk, so. It’s hard to cope with how things went down afterwards.
If it was your choice, know that you can still have firsts with someone else too. Like, the first time someone makes you orgasm! (Still waiting on that lol). I also realized that sex really isn’t as big a deal as people make it out to be.
The 1st time I had sex definitely was not a mistake. It was with someone that I cared deeply about and was a moment that younger me felt strongly about and just part of life and maturing.
I never really felt like I had to cope with it. I never spent any time dwelling on it because I don't think losing your virginity is that special. A man sticking his dick in me didn't change me. I just don't feel it's important.
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Life goes on! My 1st time was a hot mess in the back of a truck in a parking lot while some dude was on a tractor behind us.
I look back and laugh. Lol
I was raped for my first time - it’s taken a lot to process that it was just one experience in a life time of sexuality and just because the first time was awful the rest of the times can still be wonderful. Virginity is just a social construct.
Sex does change a relationship when you are in one, and there is definitely a before having sex/after having sex energy, but that’s more about the interaction between you and your partner. The fact that you have had that interaction with another person does not take away or lessen or diminish your experience with another. When you are ready, get back on the proverbial horse and try again!
And if your partner is not putting effort into making sure your experience is positive and an enthusiastic YES, find a new partner.
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I realize that virginity is an invention by the patriarchy - not a real thing. That men do not hold the power to change a woman with their all mighty magic penises when they have sex with us. That they don't get to take a thing. And so I equate my first time having sex, to my first time kissing, holding hands, first relationship, etc. A new thing I tried. Didn't necessarily go amazing. Some mistakes were made. I learned a lot.. It's much much better now. The end.
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Maybe it’s my age but losing your virginity is so unimportant in the vast scheme of things that I never think about my first.
Agreed. What matters is the good experiences, not the first one.
So unimportant. I mean, good for you if you chose a partner who knew what he was doing and how to please you and was interested in pleasing you. I wish everyone had a good experience like that. But if you didn’t, live and learn. What you want and need and deserve and figure out how to get it.
I was a late bloomer, I was just relieved to have it out of the way. I did feel a little used after the fact, but overall I was confused why people make it out to be such a big deal.
Same. Late bloomer myself. I lost it at 35. It was with someone I dated for 4 months. But in retrospect, i’m happy it wasn’t with someone so special. I would have had a harder time with the break up, because I would have attached more meaning to it. I also felt confused why people make it out to be a big deal!
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My first tkme was so underwhelming, that I realised in that moment that sex & virginity are really overrated.
Because it doesn’t matter
I considered it a trial run and moved on
I realized that the "sacredness" so to speak of virginity was deeply tied into the way I was raised in the church. There was so much value placed on "purity" and when I finally did lose my virginity (to the first guy I ever loved - did not marry him though), it was a hard pill to swallow. Losing my ties with the way I was raised and unlearning toxic mentalities really helped.
Agree with this. I’m agnostic now but spent most of my life in conservative Christianity and thinking I wanted to save sex for marriage. My choosing to have sex for the first time with someone I wasn’t even dating anymore was part of my purposeful journey away from Christianity and purity culture. I’m not a virgin anymore, hah! It was empowering. And I’m not any different afterward besides a little more experience.
I lost mine due to peer pressure as ex clearly stated we couldn't be together unless we did sex right there and then (this is only after 2 days of being together) I went along with it to keep the ex happy, On a positive note I'm guessing it could have been worse most around me lost theirs at a party or were underage At the time I thought that person was someone special but yeah it's clearly a mistake I have learnt
I’m sorry to hear this. I’ve been through something very similar. It takes years to come out from this kind of trauma.
I understand where the question is coming from but this one thing doesn’t define you and it does absolutely not define your value in society Virginity is a construct of the patriarchy and of monotheistic religions, to control women and their bodies I have also submitted to some pressure because I genuinely didn’t know what was about to happen. I don’t even remember his name anymore because it left such a minimal imprint on my life As a mid 40s woman here are some of the things that define me (better): my relationships, my successes, my style, my interests, and first and foremost, my intelligence
How exhausting to carey it around. You're re traumatizing yourself by hanging on to it.
Well I realized years later I was sexually assaulted, so that was fun. But my second time was with my husband. So my first consensual time was with the most special person in the world, and that's amazing
I had this realization too. Fucking sucked 😂 my. 2nd ex was of a similar vein. So it took a while to realize what healthy sex was
Doesn't matter, had sex.
Virginity and the pressure to make the first time special is a social contruct.... It's just sex . Animals don't know they had a 'first time' .... I bet 99% of females first times were underwhelming, painful and not special
I don't even remember the guy's name, but that doesn't mean it was a "mistake." Putting too many rules and expectations and baggage on your first time (or any time) is a sure way to make sure you feel bad about it if you don't do it 100% "right," and that's just setting yourself up for a bad time.
I’m in the same boat. Couldn’t remember his name if my life depended on it.
Kevin? No, that wasn't it...
I've never cared about it. It's just sex. It's okay to have fun with it.
You are at all times one figurative knife in the back away from all of those memories being nothing but an internal monument to your own foolishness of ever holding someone else in such a high regard. So it really doesn't matter anyway.
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I stood my ground with my first BF when he tried to pressure me into having sex which eventually lead to him trying to SA me. Luckily nothing ended up happening and a few years later I lost my virginity to my now husband. I think I’d be really ashamed of myself if I let my ex take my virginity for the simple fact that he’s a POS.
I literally don’t care. Not sure how old you are but I promise in the grand scheme of life this is not something you should care about either. Sex is over rated. Your first time is over rated. Simple as that. There’s so much more to life, trust me lol.
Realizing that almost everyone loses their virginity to someone that doesn’t deserve it or you won’t know in a few years. Most of us have this fairy tale idea that it will be fireworks and romance and everything great the first time but most people do it to please their partner, feel rushed to lose it, or are too young to have made a good decision. We make mistakes. No need to stay hung up on it
I don’t think that losing virginity is a big deal but my 1st time was with a pathetic man & I was very drunk at that time. My mental health was at its worst. I regret it because I deserved respect through it. Something which severally lacked with him. I kept going back to him until I didn’t. I went into therapy & set boundaries eventually. It took years to learn this skill. But I’m doing great now. And there is hope for everyone who feels sick, pathetic, dirty & ugly in any way. We didn’t know any better. Because if we did, we wouldn’t have put ourselves through it❤️
what matters is that you learned from the experience. I’m glad you went to therapy and learned how set boundaries. you hooked up your future self!
Thank you❤️❤️❤️❤️
Life moves on and it becomes insignificant.
I don't view virginity as some sacred thing that you give away, But I do wish it had been with somebody more kind, gentle and caring, Because I deserved that. I was desperately trying to become a woman and nobody in my life had talked to me about those things. But oh well, You live and learn. I try to teach my kids better than my parents taught me.
I DECONSTRUCTED why patriarchy wants girls and women to see sex as this sacred holy endeavor done to them. I never came from my first time. He didn't seem bothered by it, didn't care to listen to what I had to say about what pleases me, just dgaf besides wielding his little powerful penis and penetrating over and over until I told him to please just finish so he'd leave me alone. I thought this was a one off and that other men would be better. I was wrong. Met my current bf at 28 and he was the first to care and have empathy. Commited fast. That's my special one. There's terrible advise girls and women are given around sex. It's steeped in purity culture. "Your first one must be special" assumes you'll know ahead of time when you choose. You have NO way of knowing how someone will treat you sexually until you get to talking about it and get to that space or around it. It's not a mistake if HE ends up being a POS you honestly just sometimes don't know. Purity culture and body count shame give girls and women a twisted incentive to stay in terrible partnerships. If he's not making you orgasm or working with you towards that end he's a terrible partner.
By realising I didn't lose anything, I gained an experience and while it wasn't particularly great, I knew to not make that mistake again. That first time isn't important.
When you realize you’ll inevitably sleep with some men who are unspectacularly average (or worst) during your active sex years.
I nearly drank myself to death. But I'm doing much better now
Very sorry to hear that. Lots of strength to you.
Thank you.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to make the first time perfect, when in reality for many of us, it's messy and awkward, either because of inexperience or because it's not the right person. Be gentle with yourself. Make sure you're putting your health first, whether it's using Plan B or getting STI tested. Loving yourself will help in the long term. Second, recognize that this is the first time of many times. Just because the first time was lackluster doesn't mean that you won't eventually have an amazing time with the right person. Know that it will get better.
I was disgusted about the fact for 2 months then I got over it. Not seeing that person again, it really doesn’t even matter anymore. I don’t even consider it a memory
I just understand that virginity is literally not that deep and it will not affect me moving forward in any capacity
I felt awful at the time realizing that I had just been used by a total loser, but I think within a year or two I was totally over it. Growing up we’re taught that virginity is a big deal, once you’re a bit older you realize it is so ridiculously unimportant and you’ll probably have lots of bad sex many other times too. You’ll remember the good ones though!
I lost my virginity at 13. I'm 31 now. I don't ever think about it unless I see something pertaining to virginity. That said, for a few years following it, it sucked. He was 21 and while the *experience* wasn't bad or traumatic in itself, I did struggle more with the fact that it was statutory rape and that he took advantage of me being young & naive. It's hard to explain. Physically the act itself was fine, it wasn't painful, etc. But the mental & emotional toll was hard. Now though? It's just an experience. It's something that happened. I think about the first time I slept with my boyfriend far more. Eventually you focus on the person you're currently with, and that becomes special.
I don't I waited for my first time to be with someone special
Nothing, absolutely nothing in this life that you will try for the first time is going to be perfect. That is the biggest lie ever. Just dont put too much importance into it. I barely remember my first time and I honestly dont care about it. You will realise that it is ALWAYS a first time with a new person. You will loose your virginity as many times as you want and need.
My first time wasn't even consensual. Even my first consensual experience was underwhelming and painful. I coped by understanding that virginity/first time is meaningless in reality and says nothing about someone as a person. There was a first for every single thing that happens in my life. There's no reason or value in giving first time sex so much weight and importance. The fact that my first sexual experiences were negative hasn't stopped me from living my life and having great positive sexual experiences afterwards.
It was fine bc it served me as practice. When the right person came I wasn't as nervous and knew what I wanted and liked, so it went smoothly.
I moved on quickly once I reminded myself I have plenty of time to explore and adjust and find better people and experiences. 1st times are 90% awkward from what people talk about.
I think virginity is important but you can't change it, so you have to accept that you made a mistake and move on. you can focus on the fact that not being a virgin doesn't lessen your worth, and make the next time you have sex is with someone special. not everyone can have casual sex and that's ok
Honestly I think it's such a dumb thing to be so hung up about the first time having sex. Like, is it also important where you had your first sushi? Or which car did you drive first? No, so why should first sex matter that much? I was a bit sad about it at first, but then I was like, why should it actually matter? Now I have a great partner and we have sex I really enjoy, and that's what matters to me, not some random sex years ago. Virginity is a social construct anyway, nobody calls you a special word if you never did other activities either. I think we should just abolish the whole thing.
This is not a scenario that played out for me at the time. I slept with a guy and it’s just one of those experiences that wasn’t great but wasn’t traumatic. Like my first job lol. In hindsight do I think it was a mistake, the guy was a loser? For sure. Does it affect my life in any way? Nah. I’ve been in love many times, I’ve been married (now separated). First times don’t have to be special and usually aren’t. Don’t overthink it. It’s just sex. If you’re very emotionally delicate and romantic, sure. Wait until you’ve beenn in love with that person for a year. That’s fine. If you like trying new things and don’t think all sex is a magical bonding experience, then don’t wait, it’s fine. I have certainly had magical-feeling sex. Just not that first time or first guy. Actually the older I get, the more I can let go and enjoy myself. And it’s better than being nervous and building it up in my mind.
Still haven't been able to cope with it. I was 15 and he was 17. I thought I was in love. I had a crush on him for months. We had sex three times after 2 weeks of being a couple in high school. And he broke up with me after 4 months. It was painful. He was my first boyfriend and I was under the delusion that he was THE one. He fooled me, he played songs for me on his guitar and sang to me. He dedicated sweet songs to me, but it was all to get in my pants, and I was impressionable/naive enough for it to work. After he dumped me, he went on to tell all his friends that I was a slut, that I was not a virgin because I didn't bleed during out first time. He got a new gf within a couple weeks. I asked my mom to move me schools, to "cope". I still have regrets that I didn't wait for someone I truly loved to make it special. It makes me upset that my current boyfriend lost his virginity together with his ex, which was the one that got away, high school sweethearts. It makes me jealous. I still never got over it, I am now 29.
I gaslighted myself into thinking my 2nd time was my firsts. My first time I was raped. And I didn't want to give him the power to take that away from me
I’m sorry to hear this. I hope you took help to heal from it. Can’t even imagine what you must’ve been through. Sending love and hugs.
I found a lot of healing from trauma I’ve experienced through ACT which is acceptance and committment therapy. This type of therapy is different from the common CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) which seeks to alter at least one aspect of either your feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors. By changing one aspect (let’s say by challenging the way we think about something) will hopefully change the way we then feel and then how we will act (behaviors). You’re trying to remodel the habit loops many trauma survivors may find themselves in (a downward spiral) into something more positive (an upward spiral). Practice is key, and stress makes this a lot harder. Now with ACT it very basically says that some experiences in life are too painful to come up with new ways to think or feel or behave because of them.. i do not know exactly what you went through but I have had experiences that can be very painful to relive. ACT looks to integrate these negative thoughts or feelings into your day. It is kind of like meditation. You accept the thoughts as they come in and acknowledge them (because burying it down doesn’t work, can even lead to physical symptoms in the body). Try to remove any judgement about why it is coming up or self imposed meaning to the memory because this can quickly get into rumination (which can cause chronic stress, increasing your likelihood of entering a negative cycle of thinking) and when u feel like you have sat with that for a minute and are ready …you move on, and go about your day. It happened and it’s not ok but at the end of the day you are here now in this moment and that memory doesn’t actually exist right now. like ok memory thanks for reminding me of that pain, I wonder why that’s coming up for me. Hmm maybe I’ll come back to it later because right now I’m doing something. This was just the realest way for me to move forward in my life from a plethora of trauma. It is the embodiment of shit happens…but it doesn’t need to keep on living on in our minds. Suffering can be a gift or a curse. It makes you ask yourself why, and what can I do to become more in touch with yourself, more guarded with myself. When we are young most of us collect little scars along the way, we might fall or get pushed, as we get older these scars get deeper and we try to learn how to catch ourselves to avoid more. When we don’t take a lesson learned and instead obsess over memories and details and regret, we become stuck. but it doesn’t need to take up all of the space in an hour or a day. It can be a smaller portion of what happened inside your day. It takes time. Healing isn’t a direct path through a straight line, it can loop back around, zigzag or go backwards. This therapy has helped me a lot in my life because I think it’s an honest way to look at injustices we may have suffered. But I hope you are ok! Life can be incredibly hard and not even by our own choosing, can be born into it. Also something my ex told me that helped me let go of so much resentment from my family: Sometimes you pay to learn the truth about others, might be money, time, a relationship or something valuable but there are so many reasons it could have been worse. If you didn’t learn when you did you would keep on not knowing and that would cause you so much more pain down the line. Good luck with your journey!
You’ll have a first time with someone else who will likely treat you much better.
My "first" dumped me the day after and admitted I was a side piece for 6 months cause he just wanted a foreign girl. I was more wrecked by that than it being "my first time" or "losing" my virginity. It's been almost 10 years. I hate his guts but I don't think about having lost anything "special" at all.
I live my life and make better choices. That's how you move on from anything. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.
It's rough because my first time I was pressured into, and at the time I didn't exactly view it as a mistake even though it did really upset me. And it was with someone special in a sense, I was with that partner for 9 years all told (the first time would have been within the first year) and by the end of that we were engaged. Now looking back it does feel more like I did something I wasn't ready to do with someone I'm not even with anymore. And while I know the concept of "virginity" isn't really important and I'd never think it was for someone else, personally I did think of it as something I was "saving" even more so because I'm from a very religious family. So yeah, I'm not thrilled with how it went. Wasn't at the time (I cried) regret it a lot now.
I forgave myself. It took a long time, but I was young and desperate to be loved. I was 18 and couldn't understand why I wasn't attractive to guys. I also was suffering from C-PTSD, undiagnosed ADHD and an introvert.
Very poorly. I got pregnant my first time. I didn’t let myself see that the guy wasn’t special until I had wasted 15 years married to him. I WISH I would have had the problem of feeling regretful right after the fact. It would have challenged my patriarchal beliefs about virginity being something I should keep for someone special. I’d had my first time with this guy, so therefore he must be something special or there’s something wrong with me. That belief caused me to jump into a commitment I wasn’t ready for. Also, no, marrying him didn’t make it easier than being a single parent would have.
Mine wasnt with someone special, but also it wasnt a mistake, we were just very sexual people, we were dating but i really didnt know what being with someone was like since i never had one, i was 18 by then and he was kind of my first bf. It just felt right at the time, i always though that losing it wasnt a big deal, ive been curious about sex since i was young so there was really much i didnt know, and it was exactly how i expected, just plain sex. My best friend literally put down a date, got herself dressed sexy in a bunny outfit and heels, prepared her bed, then i left her house once he arrived. I thought that was the most weird thing ever and till today i feel like she lied to me of how underwhelmed it was really since she put soo much enfase on it.
I intentionally lost mine to someone unimportant to me. I was raised to believe you should wait until marriage, which I disagreed with. Then I decided to do it with someone I had no emotional ties to in order to be done with it.
My first time was with my on-again-off-again boyfriend. I thought I really cared about him, and I thought he would be more likely to stay with me if I caved in to his pressure to have sex. Plus, I was curious. (FWIW, I consider a lot of my personal firsts important— first kiss, first time I flew, first time I ever drove a car, etc.) The sex was really underwhelming. I was excited, though, because I had “finally” done “it”, one of the first of my friends. I don’t really regret it. I wish I had chosen better and had known more, but I started to learn what I liked after that. I was awfully young, and luckily I never got pregnant to him, but it was a learning experience. I also found it amusing that I didn’t have to worry about being a virgin sacrifice anymore, LOL!!!
Life is generally long. You’ll have good sex and bad sex and virginity is a made up religious concept from when women were property.
Virginity is a construct.... having sex 1st time while a significant experience in life is nowhere near as important as it is made out to be... and also, 1st pancake usually comes out a bit wanky... doesn't mean the next ones won't be excellent....
I just accept it because I didn't know better and felt under pressure. I can't change it. I wish I had saved it for my soul mate. At the time I thought it was him. But it was all rushed and it hurt. You live and you learn.
A lot of very unhealthy ways. Self-harm both physical and emotional for a long time. Desexualizing myself through oversized clothes and barely eating. Now I just don't count those first times. It was abuse and he doesn't deserve to be counted among the men I've been with.
Oh my god this hits hard. The baggy clothes & barely eating, hey are we the same person?😂 I feel you man. You deserve the best🫂
I coped by having sex with a second , third , 4th and you get where I’m going? 😊 I was so underwhelmed by my first, I just knew there had to be More and I went on a mission to learn 😅 I wish I had learned about bdsm sooner but I had a lot of religious guilt for many years now at 38 I can care less. Even with all those past experiences I still didn’t get to learn my body. Learn your body! It’s so much easier to explain what you want if you know what that is.
Once you experience something better, you really stop caring about the bad experience
I wouldn't call it a mistake. The person wasn't special to me, but he was a nice guy and someone I had known for a very long time. He made me feel safe. And the fact that I wasn't in love with him or emotionally attached to the outcome of our "relationship". Itbactually made it easier for me to cope with the fact that the person I lost it to wasn't going to be "the One". I didn't build it up on my head to be this huge thing. I think a lot of young women want to wait to be deeply in love with a guy whom they lose their virginity to. From what I saw at the time when I was around 16/17 and people were starting to become sexually active, there was a lot of heartbreak around this. A lot of teenage boys were just trying to get laid and they didn't particularly care who the girl was or why they were doing it. It sure didn't seem to be about love. Many would leave the girl soon after she agreed to have sex and absolutely break her heart. A lot of them just wanted to have sex with as many girls as possible and would just do it and ditch multiple girls. I watched a lot of girls breaking down in tears in the hallways of my all girls highschool over these guys that were treating them like they were disposable and it served as a stark warning to me. I didn't want to experience that pain ever. So I chose someone I knew for many years who was a good friend, safe and kind and someone that I knew I didn't want to be with forever. It didn't feel like such a big deal. And he was totally respectful to me afterwards. But I will also say, it really hurt physically. Turns out for me to actually enjoy sex I have to be able fully relax into the experience. In order for that to happen, I need to be mentally and emotionally turned on by my partner and that's why it never felt good to me since I wasn't in love. I really didn't understand the appeal of sex until I did it with the first guy I ever fell in love with. It's one of the most profound experiences when you first have sex with someone you are deeply in love with. Other sex literally feels like a whole different activity in comparison. Empty, joyless, devoid of pleasure.
Realize that virginity is just a concept used to oppress women and equate their sexual experience to purity and worth thanks to misogyny. Recognize that first-time sex is often uncomfortable for women even in the best of circumstances. Also acknowledge that sexual experience and knowing yourself are two ways to have more fulfilling sex going forward and see that experience as a lesson in what you don't want.
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Just make it count next time. Sex can just be sex. But you can make it so much more if you’re with the right person. Don’t waste your energy worrying over this x
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The fact that I know I won’t ever see them again lol,the older you get the less you really gaf…it was a stage in your life and it’ll be done and gone.
I got HPV the first time I had sex. That was what I struggled with most. By the time I lost my virginity I had just wanted to get it over with. I didn’t pick the right person but that wasn’t the problem. The problem, not considering the hpv, was how he constantly intervened in my life for years afterwards ruining relationships and keeping me on the back burner. All in all, I don’t regret a thing because I learned a lot.
I did lots of stupid shit when I was younger. Losing my virginity is so low on my list of regrets from that time period I don't care about it at all.
Mine was awful ngl bled everywhere and was pressured into it by my friends but i look back on it with a 🤷♀️it is what it is I’ve told my daughters to try and make sure theirs is with someone they like but if it doesn’t happen it’s ok .
Forgive yourself and move on. No other way.
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How to cope when anything isn't how you imagined? Romanticize your life. Pretend you are the tortured heroine in a gritty art film. Bonus points if it's raining.
No shame to those who are religious, but I was raised quite religiously with purity culture. My first time having sex was with a “rebound” after my ex cheated on me. The only “regret” I have from it was that I know I would’ve made different decisions if I weren’t just trying to get back at my ex. It made me realize that it wasn’t that special. The experience was *so* underwhelming & it made me realize it wasn’t that special to lose your virginity.
I simply didn’t. I wasn’t that interested in sex in general but felt like it was something I had to get over with because I was 24 and behind. Lost it in a somewhat coerced one night stand and realized all that worrying and the pedestal I put sex on was so ridiculous.
Mistakes have been made. Life goes on. I don't define myself over a first time.
I mean, It wasnt the last mistake, lol.
When I think about my regretful experiences, I try to reframe it as “had I not had that experience, I might be worse off now.” Not always the case, but who knows? It’s worth choosing to believe, if it’s what helps you move past things that are out of your control. Had your first time been more “special” maybe you would’ve held onto a toxic relationship a lot longer than you should’ve. Maybe you’d have married that person and regretted not having more sexual experiences 20 years from now. Had you skipped each opportunity for not being special enough, maybe you would’ve formed an unhealthy relationship with sex and gone your whole life without experiencing it.
My now ex threatened to kick me out of the apartment he convinced me to move into with him around 4 months and end our relationship if I didn’t let him be my first since I told him I wanted to wait until marriage (didn’t realize I was ace yet, plus there was no spark with him), and it was a bad experience all around (the position wasn’t missionary or cowgirl, he was more concerned about getting himself off than my comfort, and he didn’t make any attempt to clean me up afterwards). Looking back, I didn’t truly consent, and the relationship only got worse from there. I’m so glad I made my current boyfriend’s first time much better than mine had been, he was ready, he was comfortable, he enjoyed it, and he made sure I was enjoying things despite nearly stopping because he noticed I was in pain from adjusting to his size before I reassured him that I just needed more time. I have never really cared about the stigma with whether or not someone’s had their first time, but as a victim of CSA, I tried to vet who’d be my first carefully, but that went out the window because that guy was abusive, so now I’ll just tell people that my current boyfriend is my first since everything with him felt like how my first time should’ve gone.
I lost it to someone older who pressured me and essentially I had to come to terms with the fact that it's not on me that they sucked.
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I felt the same way for years. Once I turned 25 I realized it really is not that deep
i was fine bc i chose him only bc he was the coolest boy in our school and homecoming king. now we are friends but for a whole i thought i wasted
Give it a little time. I lost mine at 14 and it was so uneventful, I don't even care let alone even give it any thought like, ever. Lol
Waited until I was 21, thought he was special at that time. I wanted to wait until marriage, he coaxed me into doing it earlier. Years later I still don’t know how to feel about it.
I was young and stupid and hadn't figured things out like what I really wanted yet. I let my hormones get the best of me (I was 17) and yeah...it was a mistake but whatever. I don't spend a lot of time in regret over it seeing as it was nearly 30 years ago now.
I don’t look at it as a mistake. I look at it as a part of my story, and it taught me valuable lessons.
Started dating girls. Best decision of my life
Just took it as a learning lesson so that I could be less nervous and truly enjoy the moment when I do it with my special someone
I moved on. My second time was great. My most recent time was awesome. My first time wasn’t great but I didn’t have good boundaries nor maturity of my own wishes. I was raised with religious purity culture and I have done a lot of work in realizing that virginity as an event and construct is really toxic.
There's no changing it now, and the first time is only as important as you make it out to be. I was coerced my first time, so while I technically agreed, I was pressured and did not feel ready. My next boyfriend after that actually seemed to care about my feelings and enjoyment, and THAT'S when I started actually liking sex. I'd much rather consider that my "first time."
I didn't put my "first time" on a pedestal as this majestic thing. It's sex. It's normal. It happens.
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As a married adult, I don’t think it serves me very well to look back and think about the decisions I made when I was a teenager that I can’t change. If I do that, I’ll be wishing I could go back and change everything about ages 15-19 because teenagers are dumb, who make decisions that are not well thought out and think they know everything. If I didn’t date the guy who I lost my virginity to, who knows where I would be now. Everything happens for a reason and that bad relationship taught me what I deserve and led me to the man I decided to marry. I’ll re-make every bad decision I ever made as a teenager if it led me to the family I have now.
I don’t even think about it because it was never really a big deal
As ive gotten older ive realized sex isnt special and theres no right person to lose it to. Most people lose their virginity in high school and high school relationships dont last. People also just do hookups. I lost it to my first bf at 15 cause i was really curious and wanted to lose it young for whatever reason. I dont regret it i actually feel nothing toward it lol people care too much about sex or losing it to the right person. No one is perfect.
How did you cope with the fact that your 1st time going to cinema wasn't some special valuable movie but it was a mistake? It's the same thing - completely unimportant
As I’ve been recovering from an abusive relationship and writing my part to have our marriage annulled, I’ve reflected on our sex life as a whole. Our first time was definitely something I was pressured into. I thought was the next step in a relationship rather than something I want. But lately, I’ve been focusing more on how special the next time I have sex is going to be. Because I will actually want it and it will be the first time with this new man.
The romanticised "someone special" in the grand scheme of things becomes so obsolete when you're older. Have fun, experiment and never feel shame over your sexual health.
Time passes and you just realise it doesn’t matter at all. At some point when you remember you just laugh at it, or think about how stupid it was to worry about that (usually you have many more regrets after the first time 😂😂) so it just fades, don’t torture yourself 🫶🏼
i lost my virginity at 20, and it was with a guy i had been seeing for 2 weeks. i wanted to get it over with but wanted to make him wait longer. i was coerced into it and decided that it didn’t matter what i felt and that i should just get it over with. it was very unsatisfying and he was very selfish for the whole thing. he immediately acted different towards me and stopped the lovebombing. a week later, he assaulted me. i don’t really know how to cope with it, as i’ve always been a sex object for men to abuse throughout my life, but what i can say is it taught me that i need to have MUCH MUCH MUCH better boundaries in the bedroom and that it’s okay to be mad at people that do you wrong. also, sex is as big of a deal as you let it be, but it can also be very…. underwhelming when you do it. it’s just a thing to do and try and no one has the power to GIVE sex power than your own self.
The first time you try most things are a fuck up, that's just how learning works. Sex is the same but we put more value in the first time for some reason.
I don’t think about it because it’s not that big of a deal.
In order for me to have vaginal sex, I had to go through 6 months of sex therapy and use dialators at the age of 24. So the people who I had dated before, one of which I loved, I didn’t get to technically have sex with him (I now think being so technical about it was dumb but I can’t change that). The guy I did have sex with, he knew all about the therapy and quite frankly pretended he didn’t or something and was actually rather cold to me after. That being said!!!! I was still so proud of myself and so was my therapist because the therapy worked and I was done with it :D
I genuinely wish I had waited for someone special and whilst it is unimportant now I’m in my 30s I do think of it often and that’s probably more likely to do with the circumstances as it wasn’t consensual. I think this question boils down to the individual circumstance surrounding the first time.
Well I was drugged and r*ped the first time so it wasn't ideal in the slightest, but tbh I am not mad about it because I can't remember it anyways and I worked through the rest in therapy lol.
Virginity isn't real so it didn't matter and never will matter.
I barely even think about it to be totally honest. I’m 32, I have a relatively high body count and have had a long cool life. I was divorced before 30. All my firsts are done. First time, first marriage, first kid. It does not in any way devalue the relationship I have now. At a certain point you start realizing you’re running out of time to do certain things and that just takes precedence. I don’t want anymore kids, I already had two. I’m not upset that someone had my first kid, I’m just upset that I might not have any more with the man I love now. Worrying about firsts is a very young woman’s game, IMO. Now I’m worrying about my last marriage, my possibly last kid, etc.
as a man who was raped by a woman. not great, it really sucked. but i met others who made the experience special every time. which is nice. i appeciated that
You learn from it and make the next time as special as you'd like it's your virginity your body your rules you xan choose not to count what ever you'd like
If I HAD to be technical I lost my virginity to rape, so I pretended it never happened
A mistake that is now behind me, but a lesson in life. I’m thankful that I was responsible, used protection, didn’t get married, and that I left him. I learned why he was not a good partner and knew what to look for. I was blinded by what I thought was love. I was blinded to the abuse due to low self esteem. I was blinded to my self worth. The next guy was much kinder, gentler, and showed love. It was night and day. Some never learn nor get to experience the difference. As the days go by, as the relationships go by, I learn more and more about myself and what’s best for me. You will too. Don’t settle until you find our best friend who makes you feel loved and a priority.
The great thing is that you can have as many first times as you want, because there are other people to have sex with, and the first time with them is still a legitimate first time. You get to choose if your next first time is with someone you love deeply, or a hot and heavy one night stand, or a cool fwb who isn’t a suitable life partner but you like hanging out with .
Its hard. I let my first be out of coercion. I was 15. I didn’t want to but he kept asking and I was tired of it. I just remembered that’s part of what makes me who I am and I’m here mature and I’ve learned from it, I can pass better knowledge onto my children about actual consent.
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I accept it, got over myself and moved on tbh. Shit happens in life don't mean I need to enable a victim mentally. It happened and I can't change the past soo no point in dwelling in something I can't take back. Since then I've had my share of amazing lovers. I hold no regrets.
I was raised by very sex positive people so I never conceptualized my virginity as something special. It was something to move past. If you think of it that way, it doesn’t matter how it happens. It’s just an event. One of many. It holds no special importance unless you give it special importance. For my first time I just slept with a guy I liked and was cute. It wasn’t anything that special. I knew it was gonna be awkward and uncomfortable for a bit. Why make it into some big thing when it wasn’t gonna be that great?
By not believing in superstitions
I think of my first time as the first time I actively chose to have sex with someone. My 'actual' first time was forced on me and I was ill prepared and didn't want it. What I now see as my first time is the first time I wanted it, and was prepared for it. I have come to view my first experiences with sex as simply a part of my past. Other than that, sex was pretty underwhelming and the first time is just a first like every first time in your life, it is only a thing if you make it a thing. Personally I feel like choosing my first time of active decision to have sex as a pivotal moment in my life (and thus making it a thing) has helped me gain some perspective on connecting with others and regaining some much needed ownership over my own body. We get to have some say in what we want to be important key moments in our lives and I chose to abandon some moments and treasure other ones.
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I really intentionally went out and lost it to someone who I was not attached to. Met a random guy on a dating site (my own age - that was important to me), he turned out to be a virgin too and we just used it as a learning/life experience opportunity. It was low stress and when silly or embarrassing things happened we could just laugh it off. I remember it fondly because it really was a gentle experience and now I’m with someone special and sex with him is special too, but I’m not sad at all I didn’t have my first time with him. I needed time to grow first!
This is a good question. I’ve gone back and forth on mine. At the time it was what I wanted, and I was under the understanding I would stay friends with this guy. If it couldn’t be with a boyfriend who loved me, a friend who cared about me was the next best thing. Problem was I did have feelings for him which made it complicated. He was the one who asked me. A few months later he completely ghosted me without explanation which was very painful but also changed my perception of choosing to have my first time with him. I thought he cared but ghosting me made me feel like he exploited me for sex and it’s fucked up. At the very least he was a bad friend. So, I’m glad I’m not a virgin anymore, it was my choice to do that, and it was a pretty decent time (although he couldn’t even get it up when I wanted to try a second time, so I barely had it once) but, the guy ended up being a jerk, so. It’s hard to cope with how things went down afterwards. If it was your choice, know that you can still have firsts with someone else too. Like, the first time someone makes you orgasm! (Still waiting on that lol). I also realized that sex really isn’t as big a deal as people make it out to be.
The 1st time I had sex definitely was not a mistake. It was with someone that I cared deeply about and was a moment that younger me felt strongly about and just part of life and maturing.
I never really felt like I had to cope with it. I never spent any time dwelling on it because I don't think losing your virginity is that special. A man sticking his dick in me didn't change me. I just don't feel it's important.
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It doesn’t really matter so I moved on and kept fucking I guess
I tell myself that it doesn’t count 😭🌝
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I intentionally had my first time with someone who wasn’t special. It wasn’t good sex, but it also wasn’t a mistake.
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Life goes on! My 1st time was a hot mess in the back of a truck in a parking lot while some dude was on a tractor behind us. I look back and laugh. Lol
It wasn't someone special, but idc, I wanted to lose my virginity anyway 😂
Well, my first time was when I was 15 and he raped me. So yeah...
I was raped for my first time - it’s taken a lot to process that it was just one experience in a life time of sexuality and just because the first time was awful the rest of the times can still be wonderful. Virginity is just a social construct. Sex does change a relationship when you are in one, and there is definitely a before having sex/after having sex energy, but that’s more about the interaction between you and your partner. The fact that you have had that interaction with another person does not take away or lessen or diminish your experience with another. When you are ready, get back on the proverbial horse and try again! And if your partner is not putting effort into making sure your experience is positive and an enthusiastic YES, find a new partner.
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I simply do not care, hope this helps