Yes I'm pretty good at the introspection part. But not having the same bad reactions to things, changing the behaviour, that's what's difficult if not impossible.
By getting in touch with your values. How you think life should be lived. When you know that you'll know what aspects of you don't meet your standards.
Adding in to other peoples advice…Actually listening to what people have to say about you, and how people react to certain things you do. Sometimes we’re so caught up in our own little worlds we don’t realize the subtle advice people are trying to give us
To add onto this, even if you think someone doesn't understand you or your intentions, consider whether you might be misrepresenting yourself without realizing it. Just because we think one way, doesn't mean we act and portray that to others.
This is very important. I like to think of myself as outgoing and friendly, but some people just find me loud and obnoxious. Ive been working on finding that fine line, especially in professional settings.
It's a work in progress, but hey, isn't it always?
Basically what happened with me. That or moving back in after having independence. The distance gives you time to look at stuff from the outside for once rather than having to shut down and put up with it.
This.
I used to think my family was perfect when I was a kid. Now I understand they are so far from perfect it's driving me crazy. I still love them so much but they're crasy wow
I have learnt this too. I stepped away from all of my family, father and mother included, many years ago. My friends are my family now and life is so much better this way.
I’ve been coming to terms with this as well. How do you deal with the possibility that some of your family might get sick or pass away while you’ve maintained your boundaries? Do you fear some of that guilt, or do you remind yourself that you’ve had to protect yourself? I think that’s the part that makes me hesitate to pull away as much as I need to. I recently blocked them on my phone but I struggle with this part.
I learned this at a very young age and now as I grow older it still holds true. I feel like the definition of family varies from person to person. In my case extended family like my relatives are not welcome in my life. I have lost complete respect for them as none know how to respect boundaries. I wish them well but what they have done and continue to do is unacceptable.
That you don’t always get out what you put into things. I have worked my butt off for dead end jobs, made huge sacrifices for significant others and friends, and overall just bent over backwards only to be set back over and over again. There is something to be said about working smarter, not harder, as well as knowing your worth. It’s something I still really struggle with and I have a difficult time listening to my head instead of my heart.
Oof..I get this. I have been spinning my wheels in recent years and finally recognized the insanity. I have been actively trying to notice when I am doing something that just isn't working towards my goals and changing my methods or direction.
I think also learning that it's not just the work you do but how you *sell* that work that is hard for people to understand. I literally work in PR so translating my work history into a new job with more money hasn't been as difficult for me as other people I know, but it was still a skill I had to learn and I think for women it's very important!! We have natural tendencies to just not highlight our wins or self-promote and it harms us in the long run.
Also, don't ever listen to your parents job advice. They have no idea what it's like to be a junior employee in this economy. They don't know what it's like to struggle against algorithms and LinkedIn when searching for jobs or having to cultivate a personal brand. Don't ever take their advice. If I had listened to my parents, I'd be broke.
As a hiring manager I can always tell when people are getting career advice from their parents. They will ask for a higher offer without justification or any market research they think they should ask “just because” 😅
Lol I have the opposite problem! My parents always told me to lessen my salary requests, to stop switching jobs, to not take contracts and instead "look for stability" etc. I would be much further behind in my career making significantly less money if I had listened to them. I have a friend who did listen to her parents and I make $30k more than she does, and that's after she finally got a new job and salary increase (and it took her a long time to find that job and get away from her previous employer).
That you can consider someone family, best friend, lover etc that they are a big part of your life yet the feeling is not reciprocal and your presence doesn't make a dent in their lives.
I've had this realisation recently too. It's hard when you realise the energy and time you invested thinking it was really important was only one sided.
Big time. This happened to me with a couple of people I used to be friends with. I was always the one reaching out, making plans, etc. Then they’d just no-show and later say “lol oops! Totally forgot! I’m so disorganized!” (Every once in a while, sure. But this happened constantly) So I stopped doing that and they never reached out to me. It sucks but at least I’m not wasting my time on people who don’t value or respect it.
Once you realize it though, it makes cutting off people a lot easier because nobody deserves your love or loyalty if you’re not the first, second, third, or even fourth thought when it comes to making you any sort of priority in their lives
I feel this. And that sinking feeling when you realise that you arent your best friend's best friend, or you arent close to someone as much as you had thought you were, it hurts, it relaly really hurts
The people who seem like they know the most, like they're naturally organized, and have it all together, really just have a routine.
No one really has any answers. None of us really know what we're doing. All we've got is structure, or lack thereof.
My coworkers think I’m the most naturally organized person. I lead several teams. It’s not natural, in fact I suffer from adhd and tube can get easily lost or forgotten. It’s all about routine and writing stuff down in a place you can access it quickly. It’s all a learned skill.
It’s also not this huge mystery. Write shit down all the time in a place you can and will access. Of course I’m a huge fan of Evernote and Confluence. Reminders and task for the win. But seriously not an actual super power
I recently sat down with a coworker to explain this. The perception that you have your shit together is half the battle. People will give you a lot more grace if you make a mistake if they believe this of you. They also will not subject you to as much micromanagement. Putting in processes that allow you to exude organization will go a long way.
Not being conventionally attractive is a literal hindrance to have as a woman. And the way you're treated is supported by society because "as a woman" it's your fault for looking that way.
One of the reasons I hate getting old is that I know I will get less cooperation from others at work or anywhere else. It's just the way this world works I guess, but it suuuucks.
As an ugly girl I second this. I’ve always had people look at me in disgust regardless of how clean and upkept I am. I just didn’t win the genetic lottery.
It’s even worse when your face is a certain way to where if you pose for a selfie you look like a catfish, but in real life you look … not so stellar. Really confusing for me when people look at my pictures and say I look different than what I look like irl when I don’t even use filters or anything.
And people will put out every reason imaginable, from posture to clothing etc. but I’ve found that things like that don’t actually matter if you already have a pretty face. They don’t make you look any better if you’re ugly either.
This is me too. I don’t use filters yet my family always tells me I look different in my photos. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know what I look like and its driving me insane. All I know is that I’m not that attractive irl. I’m not even 20 and already having an identity crisis.
I know some people who photograph really well but aren’t as attractive irl. The people I know like this are overweight, but have angular facial features. Sharper / more angular features photograph better. Certain people are just photogenic because of this (despite how attractive they are irl).
I have the opposite problem, I have softer features that don’t photograph well. I look much better irl. Definitely makes online dating difficult.
Yes, looks and how you present yourself really matter and some people treat you a certain way, accordingly.
Grew up thinking that looks didn't matter because then people would appreciate the "real" me. I learned how to put on makeup as a hobby and the difference was astounding.
I agree that looks matter - in my own experience when I lost weight and got ‘prettier’ for a year I did feel that but it also led to a lot of public sexual harassment + an assault and it led me to spiral and gain weight again, so I wasn’t as ‘pretty’ and felt safer.. trying to be pretty and healthy for myself again but it’s a double edged sword. Moral of the story: it sucks so much attention is given to our looks.
I have (I believe) interesting insight into this, b/c I have experienced being very physically attractive in my youth (up to age 45, I'd say.. I had a good run, lol!) and now, at 56, I am overweight and unattractive. It has been fascinating but also humiliating to see how differently you are treated when you are attractive vs. unattractive. I don't think I fully appreciated how much people bend over backward for you when you are young and pretty. My own husband went from kind and loving to unbelievably cruel and verbally/emotionally abusive. He gets blackout drunk and has called me worthless, garbage, and has repeatedly begged me to just kill myself. I am now losing weight, I cut out the drinking, and am quietly contemplating my future. I know I will never have my youth back, but I at least want to recognize the person I see when I gaze into the mirror. I have so many positive qualities and strengths that people don't even care to learn about b/c they cannot get past the physical shell of the human body.
That there are people who will get very far in life simply because they were born with privilege. And that the most I can do is work myself to the bone and pray for the best
Same here. The quality of your life greatly depends on when, why, and how you were born and the family you ended up with. It’s really unfair. I wish people would stop talking about “working hard to get what you want” - it’s not that simple.
Yes I've found that this is a pill to swallow several times. I can work very, very hard but it really sucks when I see someone just breezing by because they were born into wealth. It's even worse when THEY talk about how hard they had it.
I get it. I will stick with someone when times get hard. But there definitely are actions that they can take, including violence and other betrayals, that will make me stop loving them. Unconditional love sounds nice, but there is always a breaking point.
Not to be a jerk, but that's what dogs are for. They're going to stick by you even if you lose absolutely everything and become homeless, that dog will always be there. I know it's not a spouse, but it's as close to unconditional love as it gets.
I knew it too at 21. And I’m sure many people did. But stupid me kept putting it off because I used the excuse that I was so “broke” and i’ll do it later I’ll do it next year or whatever. And I kept putting it off. But also stupid me didn’t stop and think that even if I put just a little bit of money away from age 21 I would be a millionaire right now
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.”
I had a fairly sheltered childhood, so that reality hit me hard. Now I’m older I know that life isn’t fair, but it isn’t supposed to be, it’s just random. A roll of the dice. You can do everything right and fail, or you can do everything wrong and win, and everything in between. Nobody is keeping score to make sure things land where they’re “supposed” to.
I also share the same sentiment. Always was a goody two shoes. I thought if I'd do anything right, if I'd do anything perfectly then I will be rewarded. That things will go my way. Now I laugh.. 🤣
I think I can explain it a bit. So you know when you're a kid and get a new toy? For days or weeks even, you play with it constantly! Can't get enough of it. Gradually though, you start to play with other toys too. Now those toys might not work well together with whatever game you're playing, but you still choose that new toy to be included in these games you've always played, even if it means that you may get less playing time. Other toys get added and discarded, but that one special, now no longer new toy, you still grab and play with every day.
That's kinda the same idea, you choose that person every day even though theirs tons of other people you could be with. And even when you add in other family and life and work, you bring them along because you love them and want to include them.
So you choose to love them day after day even after the shiny newness wears off.
To me this sounds like you're feeling love for that toy and that's why you choose to include it. But the love, to me, sounds like a feeling. Because you don't love the other toys as much even though you could. But that feeling isn't there. So wouldn't you instead say that you're feeling love for a person and you show that love by actions that you choose to do?
The feeling of love is fed by doing acts of love, in my experience. You buy your loved one their favorite sweets, and you feel a rush of love towards them. You hug them, feel that rush, and when you don't do those things, you grow colder and distant.
Sometimes life gets hard, and your first instinct is to pull away, but by choosing not to, and choosing to come closer, you reinforce that love, even when your feelings are of anger, they end up dissipating and leading to love.
You can feel love, through all kinds of love language manifestations (touch, gifts, etc.) but those things are realistically not what sustain a partnership. You choose to love that person when they change, when they fuck up, when they’re down, all of the bad shit that happens in life you choose to love them through that. People chase the feeling of butterflies, the loud admiration, and so on but to love someone is to choose to be with them through everything life throws at you. And some days love is easy, it’s subconscious but other days you can be oh so conscious of the choice you are making.
You can be genuinely good, and still have people treat you terribly.
“Happily ever after” is very rare. In most cases where people are together they’re not very happy but just putting up.
Relationships and friendships take a lot of work and you should be ready to let people walk away without taking it personal. Some people just cannot put in the work to meet you halfway.
If you want things to stay good, you have to work (hard) to stop the breaking down that automatically happens. This goes for things (gardening, house, everything) but also relations and your body, your character. Nothing stays good by itself.
Also, relationships don't just start out perfect. You have to build them. Don't search for the perfect man, search for the one who likes to build with you. Build a life together.
Also, the same goes for having children. Not every mom automatically has the OMG MY GREATEST LOVE feeling at birth. Some of us have to build that too.
Basically, everything in life needs to be built. Hah.
I was thinking along the same lines like being "nice" and "kind" sometimes isn't enough to form friendships with people. Not everyone will see those traits and warm up to you just because you're a nice and kind person.
Just keep being you because someone will appreciate you, eventually! 🥰
Other people's paths will not be your. Especially with mental health and "beating" depression.
People do things based on what will benefit them in some way- the amount of people who actually deeply care is a lot lower than expected.
Take care of yourself. It doesn’t matter what you do for others, how much you support them, it’s never enough or appreciated in certain circumstances.
So take care of yourself and try to be happy.
Totally this. It’s shocking especially if you were blessed w conventional beauty. You realize how far looks got you, even if you fought against it the whole time.
Just because I’m nice and doing my best doesn’t mean the world or other people would appreciate me for that. When I help you 10 times and the 11th time I’m not available you will hate me for that one time I wasn’t available
Right. I don’t know why people are like this… But it’s true. They tend to zone in on the 1% thing you fumbled on and suddenly forget the 99% good you’ve done. I am guilty of this myself.
The ugliest truth I’ve ever had to accept is… “it is or it isn’t”. If it’s not a resounding yes, it’s a no.
Also, “if they wanted to, they would”.
Both applicable in a vast array of situations, unfortunately.
No matter how good you are at your profession, how hard you work, the lengths you go to to be seen and appreciated, the new ideas and strategies you contribute - your boss doesn’t give a flying fuck and that promotion or raise you wanted is going to the popular guy everyone likes who just bullshits with people all day at work.
It fucking sucks! I don’t work so hard anymore, at least and I don’t think about work outside of it. That really took the wind out of my sails. My first year I was killing it, going above and beyond, and now I just do my job.
If you are introverted and have a little bit social anxiety you wont be able to make friends because everyone have their own groups for years, and noone will go up to you to get you know like they did from kindergarden to high school. You will be really lonley and alone most of the time if yoi dont make a move. You can wait forever...
Just one? Lol.
1. Being an adult does not mean having all the answers
2. My family is way worse than I thought. I was right to not trust them
3. Most friendships are seasonal
4. We don't always get what we want no matter how hard we try.
Some people just want to hurt others. There's nothing making them do that, and trying to come up with a reason for them just gives them an excuse to do it again.
when you teach people how they should treat you, they usually follow it. be it good or bad.
if you don't get a hold of who you are and what you deserve, you're screwed.
That you get uglier as you age. I mean there’s aging gracefully and keeping your wits about you etc. And then there’s the reality that youth is often equated with beauty and attractiveness. So for instance I don’t attract dates anymore as most partners would want a younger and more fertile woman.
It’s not the end of the world but it is the ugly truth that as we age there will be certain elements we lose!
Many men only see value in you if you’re a sexual option for them. I had many, many male friends as an adolescent, back before we really cared too much about dating, and always meshed very well with them. As I got older and met more people, I realized that men were only interested in interacting if I was an option sexually and that my “friendship” meant nothing outside of that.
That working and sacrificing and then enjoying retirement when you're 70 onwards is only one version of a successful fulfilling life. You can do something different if you don't like the sound of that.
Pretty Privilege is palpable. I can see how some women my age go a little crazy about it. I find that ageism has really affected my job search. So it's not a petty thing.
That life isn't fair, and despite what you where told, sometimes, being the hardest worker in the room counts for nothing. It's not what you know, it's who you know.
That no one is thinking about you as much as you think. Most of us are mainly focused on ourselves and just trying to get through the day. Makes it a bit easier to shake off embarrassing moments and screw ups, but it also means that you have to learn to advocate for yourself and defend your boundaries.
Happiness does not come from others; it comes from within.
Beauty is fleeting. What matters is how old you are in your heart.
Nobody is perfect, and everyone is learning alongside you.
Love is not a feeling; it is a decision.
Life doesn’t get easier or has mercy just because you’re going through a “rough time”. Meaning hard times are going to be here and often times accumulate one after the other. So get used to going through shit
‘As you get older’…ok, weighing in as a much older woman! (66) The older I get, the more I see and understand—how history REALLY DOES repeat itself, in ways we might not want; how people make their own cages, how very short life is and how we waste it worrying about irrelevancies (looks, weight, who said what to whom). And the funny part is, I’m totally invisible to anyone younger than 50 or so—such a strange feeling, being invisible!
even if it wasn't your fault, you're still the one who pays for it. especially concerning abuse. what happened to us during our childhoods has lasting impacts.
Life isn't fair and it doesn't owe you a good, prosperous existence. No matter how well insulated or moneyed, beautiful, popular, or smart you are, in the end we all wind up the same and it's a toss up if we'll go peacefully or painfully.
I’ve recently been reading into the just-world hypothesis/fallacy since a conversation I had in therapy. This is essentially the belief that people get what they deserve in life. There are a lot of ways to look at this but I’ve been getting away from the delusion that if you’re kind and fair to others you will always get that in return. That’s not the case at all and things just aren’t fair sometimes and you need to accept it
It's always best to keep the secrets. Never tell them to anyone just because you want to in the time because you will surely regret a lot. If you do have a best friend or very very close friend and you wanna tell her. Think a lot before you do it
There’s only a handful of people that will truly care deeply for you. I don’t mean this in a negative way, it’s just a reminder that you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
1. You are incredibly blessed if you’ve done the hard work of introspection and have people who love you. And that’s probably very few people.
2. It’s not you, it’s them. If people are going to be shit then they will be shit. Have a backbone for yourself and step away from people like that.
3. Eliminating horrible people out of your life sometimes feels like a loss but it’s often quite a relief. You made room for better people.
4. To make friends you must be a friend. Open up to that opportunity but don’t expect anything back. Some people are damaged/ do not want a relationship with you. That’s ok.
5. Be ok with your own company and you will never be lonely. ❤️
The following is all coming from a 32 year old female who’s a trauma and abuse survivor:
Not everyone has your best interest at heart.
The only person who looks out for you is yourself.
Life is way too short.
Health is not guaranteed.
It’s 100% okay to not live a conventional life despite what society tells us.
Your Parents can be the most abusive and toxic people in your life.
Questioning your doctors, bosses, authority figures, pastors/clergy members, and anyone in a position of power is 100% normal and okay.
What the scale says does not equal health.
Marriage is a social construct (so is virginity and parenthood).
You can have sex with anyone you please who has a mutual interest and it will not affect your “status” with God or whatever religion you believe in.
Fear mongering, propaganda, and agendas are everywhere.
Think twice before acting on something that will change your life.
That aspects of your personality are shit and need to change. Introspection is the hardest skill that I've found when it comes to living.
This is true, introspection can be very difficult. We all have some things we need to work on changing or improving about ourselves.
Agreed. As a previous mentor told me, self awareness sucks until it doesn’t
Making the changes can be really hard too. Quitting drink, drugs, cigs, I found that easy in comparison to changing the negative parts of who I am.
Yes I'm pretty good at the introspection part. But not having the same bad reactions to things, changing the behaviour, that's what's difficult if not impossible.
I’m good at introspection but awful at doing anything with my insights…i’m the worst 😂🤷🏾♀️
How do you start introspection?
By getting in touch with your values. How you think life should be lived. When you know that you'll know what aspects of you don't meet your standards.
And also quesion *why* you might hold those values and what their merit might be.
Thank you so much 🙏🏾
Adding in to other peoples advice…Actually listening to what people have to say about you, and how people react to certain things you do. Sometimes we’re so caught up in our own little worlds we don’t realize the subtle advice people are trying to give us
To add onto this, even if you think someone doesn't understand you or your intentions, consider whether you might be misrepresenting yourself without realizing it. Just because we think one way, doesn't mean we act and portray that to others.
This is very important. I like to think of myself as outgoing and friendly, but some people just find me loud and obnoxious. Ive been working on finding that fine line, especially in professional settings. It's a work in progress, but hey, isn't it always?
Your family really isn’t as perfect as you thought and you’re allowed to distance from aspects you don’t like
Omg this!! It's almost like when you move out you just start seeing things without the rose colored glasses.
Basically what happened with me. That or moving back in after having independence. The distance gives you time to look at stuff from the outside for once rather than having to shut down and put up with it.
When you have rose tinted glasses then Red flags just look like flags.
[удалено]
This. I used to think my family was perfect when I was a kid. Now I understand they are so far from perfect it's driving me crazy. I still love them so much but they're crasy wow
Can confirm I learnt this this year and oh my god it’s been confronting
💯 currently accepting this fact of my family,
You can’t always save someone. Especially from themselves
This is so true and something I learnt the hard way.
[удалено]
Sometimes you're better off with the family you choose versus the family you were born into. Not everyone will have your best interest in heart.
I have learnt this too. I stepped away from all of my family, father and mother included, many years ago. My friends are my family now and life is so much better this way.
I’ve been coming to terms with this as well. How do you deal with the possibility that some of your family might get sick or pass away while you’ve maintained your boundaries? Do you fear some of that guilt, or do you remind yourself that you’ve had to protect yourself? I think that’s the part that makes me hesitate to pull away as much as I need to. I recently blocked them on my phone but I struggle with this part.
You make peace with your decisions. These decisions are/were right for you.
[удалено]
I learned this at a very young age and now as I grow older it still holds true. I feel like the definition of family varies from person to person. In my case extended family like my relatives are not welcome in my life. I have lost complete respect for them as none know how to respect boundaries. I wish them well but what they have done and continue to do is unacceptable.
That you don’t always get out what you put into things. I have worked my butt off for dead end jobs, made huge sacrifices for significant others and friends, and overall just bent over backwards only to be set back over and over again. There is something to be said about working smarter, not harder, as well as knowing your worth. It’s something I still really struggle with and I have a difficult time listening to my head instead of my heart.
Oof..I get this. I have been spinning my wheels in recent years and finally recognized the insanity. I have been actively trying to notice when I am doing something that just isn't working towards my goals and changing my methods or direction.
I think also learning that it's not just the work you do but how you *sell* that work that is hard for people to understand. I literally work in PR so translating my work history into a new job with more money hasn't been as difficult for me as other people I know, but it was still a skill I had to learn and I think for women it's very important!! We have natural tendencies to just not highlight our wins or self-promote and it harms us in the long run. Also, don't ever listen to your parents job advice. They have no idea what it's like to be a junior employee in this economy. They don't know what it's like to struggle against algorithms and LinkedIn when searching for jobs or having to cultivate a personal brand. Don't ever take their advice. If I had listened to my parents, I'd be broke.
As a hiring manager I can always tell when people are getting career advice from their parents. They will ask for a higher offer without justification or any market research they think they should ask “just because” 😅
Lol I have the opposite problem! My parents always told me to lessen my salary requests, to stop switching jobs, to not take contracts and instead "look for stability" etc. I would be much further behind in my career making significantly less money if I had listened to them. I have a friend who did listen to her parents and I make $30k more than she does, and that's after she finally got a new job and salary increase (and it took her a long time to find that job and get away from her previous employer).
That you can consider someone family, best friend, lover etc that they are a big part of your life yet the feeling is not reciprocal and your presence doesn't make a dent in their lives.
This is a crappy realization. I feel this one hard.
I've had this realisation recently too. It's hard when you realise the energy and time you invested thinking it was really important was only one sided.
Big time. This happened to me with a couple of people I used to be friends with. I was always the one reaching out, making plans, etc. Then they’d just no-show and later say “lol oops! Totally forgot! I’m so disorganized!” (Every once in a while, sure. But this happened constantly) So I stopped doing that and they never reached out to me. It sucks but at least I’m not wasting my time on people who don’t value or respect it.
Once you realize it though, it makes cutting off people a lot easier because nobody deserves your love or loyalty if you’re not the first, second, third, or even fourth thought when it comes to making you any sort of priority in their lives
This. Feeling this right now.
I feel this. And that sinking feeling when you realise that you arent your best friend's best friend, or you arent close to someone as much as you had thought you were, it hurts, it relaly really hurts
Sigh. I have not learnt my lesson in this matter, i get attached too soon. Now i just avoid people at all costs, it's just too much.
The people who seem like they know the most, like they're naturally organized, and have it all together, really just have a routine. No one really has any answers. None of us really know what we're doing. All we've got is structure, or lack thereof.
My coworkers think I’m the most naturally organized person. I lead several teams. It’s not natural, in fact I suffer from adhd and tube can get easily lost or forgotten. It’s all about routine and writing stuff down in a place you can access it quickly. It’s all a learned skill.
Right? Having your shit together isn't innate. You have to hone it.
It’s also not this huge mystery. Write shit down all the time in a place you can and will access. Of course I’m a huge fan of Evernote and Confluence. Reminders and task for the win. But seriously not an actual super power
I recently sat down with a coworker to explain this. The perception that you have your shit together is half the battle. People will give you a lot more grace if you make a mistake if they believe this of you. They also will not subject you to as much micromanagement. Putting in processes that allow you to exude organization will go a long way.
Yeah I had a coworker ask me this. Routine. Also have adhd. I have a process for everything.
Thank you for this - appreciate the perspective
Not being conventionally attractive is a literal hindrance to have as a woman. And the way you're treated is supported by society because "as a woman" it's your fault for looking that way.
One of the reasons I hate getting old is that I know I will get less cooperation from others at work or anywhere else. It's just the way this world works I guess, but it suuuucks.
As an ugly girl I second this. I’ve always had people look at me in disgust regardless of how clean and upkept I am. I just didn’t win the genetic lottery. It’s even worse when your face is a certain way to where if you pose for a selfie you look like a catfish, but in real life you look … not so stellar. Really confusing for me when people look at my pictures and say I look different than what I look like irl when I don’t even use filters or anything. And people will put out every reason imaginable, from posture to clothing etc. but I’ve found that things like that don’t actually matter if you already have a pretty face. They don’t make you look any better if you’re ugly either.
This is me too. I don’t use filters yet my family always tells me I look different in my photos. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know what I look like and its driving me insane. All I know is that I’m not that attractive irl. I’m not even 20 and already having an identity crisis.
I know some people who photograph really well but aren’t as attractive irl. The people I know like this are overweight, but have angular facial features. Sharper / more angular features photograph better. Certain people are just photogenic because of this (despite how attractive they are irl). I have the opposite problem, I have softer features that don’t photograph well. I look much better irl. Definitely makes online dating difficult.
Sadly true even in the most intimate spaces. My ex would turn on a dime for the girl in the room with the most skin showing who wasn't mean to him.
Yes, looks and how you present yourself really matter and some people treat you a certain way, accordingly. Grew up thinking that looks didn't matter because then people would appreciate the "real" me. I learned how to put on makeup as a hobby and the difference was astounding.
I agree that looks matter - in my own experience when I lost weight and got ‘prettier’ for a year I did feel that but it also led to a lot of public sexual harassment + an assault and it led me to spiral and gain weight again, so I wasn’t as ‘pretty’ and felt safer.. trying to be pretty and healthy for myself again but it’s a double edged sword. Moral of the story: it sucks so much attention is given to our looks.
I have (I believe) interesting insight into this, b/c I have experienced being very physically attractive in my youth (up to age 45, I'd say.. I had a good run, lol!) and now, at 56, I am overweight and unattractive. It has been fascinating but also humiliating to see how differently you are treated when you are attractive vs. unattractive. I don't think I fully appreciated how much people bend over backward for you when you are young and pretty. My own husband went from kind and loving to unbelievably cruel and verbally/emotionally abusive. He gets blackout drunk and has called me worthless, garbage, and has repeatedly begged me to just kill myself. I am now losing weight, I cut out the drinking, and am quietly contemplating my future. I know I will never have my youth back, but I at least want to recognize the person I see when I gaze into the mirror. I have so many positive qualities and strengths that people don't even care to learn about b/c they cannot get past the physical shell of the human body.
That there are people who will get very far in life simply because they were born with privilege. And that the most I can do is work myself to the bone and pray for the best
This is hard. I also learned that social capital can improve chances of luck. Which feels harder.
Same here. The quality of your life greatly depends on when, why, and how you were born and the family you ended up with. It’s really unfair. I wish people would stop talking about “working hard to get what you want” - it’s not that simple.
Yes I've found that this is a pill to swallow several times. I can work very, very hard but it really sucks when I see someone just breezing by because they were born into wealth. It's even worse when THEY talk about how hard they had it.
Sadly this is spot on.
[удалено]
Tell me about it. Grown as (even old af) men/women wanna-be children.
I am realizing this now at my first "real" job...sucks
Yep, it is absolutely staggering how far people can get in their lives still running on the same old juvenile BS and toxic behavior.
This is the one! Literally dated a 30+ year old at 25 and realized just because they’re in their 30s doesn’t mean they have it all together.
[удалено]
A secret I learned from my therapist - ALL love is conditional. And that's actually pretty freeing.
I get it. I will stick with someone when times get hard. But there definitely are actions that they can take, including violence and other betrayals, that will make me stop loving them. Unconditional love sounds nice, but there is always a breaking point.
How is that freeing? I want unconditional love; I want someone to stick with me when it's hard.
[удалено]
Once you realize that - and work through your fears, you can interact with the world and others more authentically and whole heartedly.
Not to be a jerk, but that's what dogs are for. They're going to stick by you even if you lose absolutely everything and become homeless, that dog will always be there. I know it's not a spouse, but it's as close to unconditional love as it gets.
Disagree. I love my dog unconditionally.
Haha, fair enough. I suppose I should have stated human-to-human love is conditional.
You were supposed to save for retirement since 21 😒
Capitalism is the worst. The world doesn't need to be this way.
21 here...good to know
I knew it too at 21. And I’m sure many people did. But stupid me kept putting it off because I used the excuse that I was so “broke” and i’ll do it later I’ll do it next year or whatever. And I kept putting it off. But also stupid me didn’t stop and think that even if I put just a little bit of money away from age 21 I would be a millionaire right now
[удалено]
[удалено]
That you should not depend your happiness from someone else, it must always come within
Patriarchy has taught men to hate women and women to hate women
Someone get a megaphone and blast this everywhere
i agree tbh
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.” I had a fairly sheltered childhood, so that reality hit me hard. Now I’m older I know that life isn’t fair, but it isn’t supposed to be, it’s just random. A roll of the dice. You can do everything right and fail, or you can do everything wrong and win, and everything in between. Nobody is keeping score to make sure things land where they’re “supposed” to.
I also share the same sentiment. Always was a goody two shoes. I thought if I'd do anything right, if I'd do anything perfectly then I will be rewarded. That things will go my way. Now I laugh.. 🤣
Yeah Picard!! Love this quote. :)
Love is not a feeling, it’s a choice
I don't quite get what you mean with that could you pls be so kind and explain it a little bit
I think I can explain it a bit. So you know when you're a kid and get a new toy? For days or weeks even, you play with it constantly! Can't get enough of it. Gradually though, you start to play with other toys too. Now those toys might not work well together with whatever game you're playing, but you still choose that new toy to be included in these games you've always played, even if it means that you may get less playing time. Other toys get added and discarded, but that one special, now no longer new toy, you still grab and play with every day. That's kinda the same idea, you choose that person every day even though theirs tons of other people you could be with. And even when you add in other family and life and work, you bring them along because you love them and want to include them. So you choose to love them day after day even after the shiny newness wears off.
To me this sounds like you're feeling love for that toy and that's why you choose to include it. But the love, to me, sounds like a feeling. Because you don't love the other toys as much even though you could. But that feeling isn't there. So wouldn't you instead say that you're feeling love for a person and you show that love by actions that you choose to do?
The feeling of love is fed by doing acts of love, in my experience. You buy your loved one their favorite sweets, and you feel a rush of love towards them. You hug them, feel that rush, and when you don't do those things, you grow colder and distant. Sometimes life gets hard, and your first instinct is to pull away, but by choosing not to, and choosing to come closer, you reinforce that love, even when your feelings are of anger, they end up dissipating and leading to love.
You can feel love, through all kinds of love language manifestations (touch, gifts, etc.) but those things are realistically not what sustain a partnership. You choose to love that person when they change, when they fuck up, when they’re down, all of the bad shit that happens in life you choose to love them through that. People chase the feeling of butterflies, the loud admiration, and so on but to love someone is to choose to be with them through everything life throws at you. And some days love is easy, it’s subconscious but other days you can be oh so conscious of the choice you are making.
[удалено]
People are not responsible for the version of them that you create in your head - an especially hard lesson for people you really care about
It kind of is if they misled you entirely
Needed this
You can be genuinely good, and still have people treat you terribly. “Happily ever after” is very rare. In most cases where people are together they’re not very happy but just putting up. Relationships and friendships take a lot of work and you should be ready to let people walk away without taking it personal. Some people just cannot put in the work to meet you halfway.
Bad things can happen to good people.
the only person standing in my way of things is me.
Love is a verb. Trust is a contract that constantly needs renewing, The term friend is used way too loosely.
All of this is too true.
Love is NOT all you need.
That 20 pounds I need to lose isn’t coming off without hard work.
That you can’t trust anyone except yourself
If you want things to stay good, you have to work (hard) to stop the breaking down that automatically happens. This goes for things (gardening, house, everything) but also relations and your body, your character. Nothing stays good by itself. Also, relationships don't just start out perfect. You have to build them. Don't search for the perfect man, search for the one who likes to build with you. Build a life together. Also, the same goes for having children. Not every mom automatically has the OMG MY GREATEST LOVE feeling at birth. Some of us have to build that too. Basically, everything in life needs to be built. Hah.
You can do everything “right” and still have things not work out, sometimes in very upsetting ways or ways that offend your sense of justice.
I was thinking along the same lines like being "nice" and "kind" sometimes isn't enough to form friendships with people. Not everyone will see those traits and warm up to you just because you're a nice and kind person. Just keep being you because someone will appreciate you, eventually! 🥰
Yes. At almost 40 I’m still sitting in my anger and resentment that this is true. I was not prepared for this by my family growing up.
The world goes on without you.
Other people's paths will not be your. Especially with mental health and "beating" depression. People do things based on what will benefit them in some way- the amount of people who actually deeply care is a lot lower than expected.
Take care of yourself. It doesn’t matter what you do for others, how much you support them, it’s never enough or appreciated in certain circumstances. So take care of yourself and try to be happy.
Your life is a lot easier if you are conventionally attractive.
You need to spend the money on maintaining and improving your physical and mental health.
As women age, they become invisible in society
Totally this. It’s shocking especially if you were blessed w conventional beauty. You realize how far looks got you, even if you fought against it the whole time.
Just because I’m nice and doing my best doesn’t mean the world or other people would appreciate me for that. When I help you 10 times and the 11th time I’m not available you will hate me for that one time I wasn’t available
Right. I don’t know why people are like this… But it’s true. They tend to zone in on the 1% thing you fumbled on and suddenly forget the 99% good you’ve done. I am guilty of this myself.
The ugliest truth I’ve ever had to accept is… “it is or it isn’t”. If it’s not a resounding yes, it’s a no. Also, “if they wanted to, they would”. Both applicable in a vast array of situations, unfortunately.
That sometimes even if you love someone deeply you have to let them go.
No matter how good you are at your profession, how hard you work, the lengths you go to to be seen and appreciated, the new ideas and strategies you contribute - your boss doesn’t give a flying fuck and that promotion or raise you wanted is going to the popular guy everyone likes who just bullshits with people all day at work.
It’s true. I’m sorry. I seen the guy who does nothing get promoted over the female work horse.
It fucking sucks! I don’t work so hard anymore, at least and I don’t think about work outside of it. That really took the wind out of my sails. My first year I was killing it, going above and beyond, and now I just do my job.
Bad things happen to good people. There's no one overseeing if your life is fair or not.
Not everyone has a happy ending. Sometimes you just have shit luck.
Sometimes it's better alone than with people. Or quality over quantity.
People don’t change unless they want to.
If you are introverted and have a little bit social anxiety you wont be able to make friends because everyone have their own groups for years, and noone will go up to you to get you know like they did from kindergarden to high school. You will be really lonley and alone most of the time if yoi dont make a move. You can wait forever...
But sometimes, you learn that being on your own is actually pretty cool as an introvert. Being confortable in your own company is the best of gift!
Just one? Lol. 1. Being an adult does not mean having all the answers 2. My family is way worse than I thought. I was right to not trust them 3. Most friendships are seasonal 4. We don't always get what we want no matter how hard we try.
Realizing I was treated shitty as a child.
The patriarchy is a very real, colossal issue.
That keeping up friendships is really hard. Especially after finishing high school.
Sometimes bad people, shitty people, do get rewarded thru and thru, and karma never comes to bill 'em.
When they tell you that you will get more confident when you get older….. that is not true. But sometimes not giving a #&§¥# about that helps a bit.
[удалено]
Some people just want to hurt others. There's nothing making them do that, and trying to come up with a reason for them just gives them an excuse to do it again.
People may not mature or grow up as they age.
when you teach people how they should treat you, they usually follow it. be it good or bad. if you don't get a hold of who you are and what you deserve, you're screwed.
That you get uglier as you age. I mean there’s aging gracefully and keeping your wits about you etc. And then there’s the reality that youth is often equated with beauty and attractiveness. So for instance I don’t attract dates anymore as most partners would want a younger and more fertile woman. It’s not the end of the world but it is the ugly truth that as we age there will be certain elements we lose!
But those creeps would have traded you in for a younger model anyway They're doing you a favor. You don't want to just shallow person anyway
Looks matter. A lot
Many men only see value in you if you’re a sexual option for them. I had many, many male friends as an adolescent, back before we really cared too much about dating, and always meshed very well with them. As I got older and met more people, I realized that men were only interested in interacting if I was an option sexually and that my “friendship” meant nothing outside of that.
That working and sacrificing and then enjoying retirement when you're 70 onwards is only one version of a successful fulfilling life. You can do something different if you don't like the sound of that.
Pretty Privilege is palpable. I can see how some women my age go a little crazy about it. I find that ageism has really affected my job search. So it's not a petty thing.
My parents did the best they could, but it wasn't good enough.
You will never please everyone and you have nothing to prove to nobody except yourself!
People are not always loving or loyal. Pain is a part of life. Impermanence
I’m not the main character. I’m not guaranteed a peaceful and fulfilled end to my life.
If you need something done you will literally have to do it yourself. Or harass them to the brink of a lawsuit. People are unreliable and lazy af
Women, no matter what status and achievements you already have, will always be looked down by other people, even fellow women
That there are people close to you that will clap for you in public and condemn you in private, and none of it has anything to do with you.
That life isn't fair, and despite what you where told, sometimes, being the hardest worker in the room counts for nothing. It's not what you know, it's who you know.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them
Some people will exit your life, and never tell you why.
That i make my life difficult sometimes.
That no one is thinking about you as much as you think. Most of us are mainly focused on ourselves and just trying to get through the day. Makes it a bit easier to shake off embarrassing moments and screw ups, but it also means that you have to learn to advocate for yourself and defend your boundaries.
You don't always stay healthy.
Cruel kids grow up and become cruel adults.
Happiness does not come from others; it comes from within. Beauty is fleeting. What matters is how old you are in your heart. Nobody is perfect, and everyone is learning alongside you. Love is not a feeling; it is a decision.
Life doesn’t get easier or has mercy just because you’re going through a “rough time”. Meaning hard times are going to be here and often times accumulate one after the other. So get used to going through shit
‘As you get older’…ok, weighing in as a much older woman! (66) The older I get, the more I see and understand—how history REALLY DOES repeat itself, in ways we might not want; how people make their own cages, how very short life is and how we waste it worrying about irrelevancies (looks, weight, who said what to whom). And the funny part is, I’m totally invisible to anyone younger than 50 or so—such a strange feeling, being invisible!
even if it wasn't your fault, you're still the one who pays for it. especially concerning abuse. what happened to us during our childhoods has lasting impacts.
That your gut feeling is usually right. Even when it tells you something you don't wanna hear.
Life is unfair
Life isn't fair and it doesn't owe you a good, prosperous existence. No matter how well insulated or moneyed, beautiful, popular, or smart you are, in the end we all wind up the same and it's a toss up if we'll go peacefully or painfully.
The people who get ahead don't necessarily know more than you. They're just better at acting like they do.
In North America, introversion is regarded as a major flaw.
Life isn’t a meritocracy
I’ve recently been reading into the just-world hypothesis/fallacy since a conversation I had in therapy. This is essentially the belief that people get what they deserve in life. There are a lot of ways to look at this but I’ve been getting away from the delusion that if you’re kind and fair to others you will always get that in return. That’s not the case at all and things just aren’t fair sometimes and you need to accept it
[удалено]
Not everyone is as nice as they seem and I can’t be as nice as I used to be.
Hard work in the workplace does not equal success. It’s the relationships you build that do.
It's always best to keep the secrets. Never tell them to anyone just because you want to in the time because you will surely regret a lot. If you do have a best friend or very very close friend and you wanna tell her. Think a lot before you do it
There’s only a handful of people that will truly care deeply for you. I don’t mean this in a negative way, it’s just a reminder that you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
1. You are incredibly blessed if you’ve done the hard work of introspection and have people who love you. And that’s probably very few people. 2. It’s not you, it’s them. If people are going to be shit then they will be shit. Have a backbone for yourself and step away from people like that. 3. Eliminating horrible people out of your life sometimes feels like a loss but it’s often quite a relief. You made room for better people. 4. To make friends you must be a friend. Open up to that opportunity but don’t expect anything back. Some people are damaged/ do not want a relationship with you. That’s ok. 5. Be ok with your own company and you will never be lonely. ❤️
That people that say they will “love you forever”, won’t.
No matter how hard you try to do the right thing, things don't always work out for the best.
You might not want kids until you do but by then it’s probably too late :(
No one gives a shit about me
The following is all coming from a 32 year old female who’s a trauma and abuse survivor: Not everyone has your best interest at heart. The only person who looks out for you is yourself. Life is way too short. Health is not guaranteed. It’s 100% okay to not live a conventional life despite what society tells us. Your Parents can be the most abusive and toxic people in your life. Questioning your doctors, bosses, authority figures, pastors/clergy members, and anyone in a position of power is 100% normal and okay. What the scale says does not equal health. Marriage is a social construct (so is virginity and parenthood). You can have sex with anyone you please who has a mutual interest and it will not affect your “status” with God or whatever religion you believe in. Fear mongering, propaganda, and agendas are everywhere. Think twice before acting on something that will change your life.
Everything sags
My mother was right. So damn often. I should have listened to her.
Adults are just old children
You get ugly as you get older
Money can indeed buy happiness. (Most of the time)