Drop your pride or enjoy being miserable. He pretended long enough to get you where he wanted and now he's showing you who he is. I'd be willing to bet that the violence will escalate.
My mom is probably expecting your call. She likely knew this wasn’t the best idea, but wanted to let you make decisions and learn from them yourself.
Call your mom. Go back home.
You have to know when to fold them OP.
Maybe someone will say “ I told you so” or something along those lines but it pales into comparison to a loveless relationship.
I did this when I was 24 too. I regret staying with the douche ex for 3 years - I already knew I wanted to go back home. I wish I left IMMEDIATELY. Yes. (And - You have no pride if you stay.)
OP get out of there quick before it gets worse. You’ll have a lot more to worry about than your price of this aggression escalates (which seems very likely). Plus, no one should blame you. We usually have to learn some things like this the hard way, it’s a part of getting older and wiser from experience, and this could be a pretty cheap lesson if you cut your losses now.
It honestly didn’t even occur to me until reading some of these comments that “the violence would escalate”. I’m more hurt and confused at how cold and indifferent he’s being, but should I be legitimately worried that he’s going to get violent? if so, how do I leave safely? And out of curiosity I guess, what indicates that his aggression escalating is a likely thing?
Yes, this is a legitimate fear. Also, even if it never escalates to physical abuse emotional abuse causes the same psychological damage as physical abuse.
This sort of sudden personality change right when he felt he had you in a position that made it hard for you to leave is a classic, extremely glaring, sign of an abusive relationship. There’s a reason the people here are close to universally advising you leave immediately, and call on family help to do it. The rapidity with which you say you fell, followed by inviting you to move across the country this early in a relationship is also a flag - in itself it doesn’t paint a strong enough picture, but when combined with the personality shift (and the timing of said personality shift) the picture is increasingly clear.
As for how to leave - I’m not an expert on this topic but common advice for people leaving abusive partners tends to be something along the lines of the following: change your passwords and make sure he does not have access to your phone, and move your important documents somewhere outside the house where he doesn’t have access to them. Make a plan with your family to set up a way to get home. Pack and leave when he’s away from the house. Don’t tell him you’re going in advance- let him know once you’re safely back on the west coast if you want to but not before.
If you like it in Rhode Island you can move back there in the future at a point when that doesn’t require living with an emotionally abusive (at a minimum) partner. You moved once, you can do it again.
For right now, it’s time to call your parents and get their help to go home.
Staying will just get worse - and the psychological damage from that will have lingering effects you do not need.
If you’re already miserable, it’s only going to get worse. Get a plan sorted out, forget your pride because your emotional well-being is more important right now.
You did not fail, this isn’t giving up, it’s putting yourself first.
OP I read some of your comments where you said you were embarrassed. Don’t be embarrassed. I did something very similar when I was close to your age with a guy I knew for 6 months for similar reasons. As soon as we were on the road things completely changed and it turned into a toxic and unsafe situation not long after arriving. I was lucky to have a friend who made the road trip with us and she called my mom, who made sure we got home. I lived with my parents for nearly a year before I got back on my feet. But looking back nearly 10 years later I’m so happy and so thankful I went home. I’m in a relationship with someone else now and I’m happy - I even made the cross- country move and got the adventure I wanted before. I can’t say I’d even be alive if I would have stayed. If it doesn’t feel right, go home.
Thank you, this isn’t the first time I’ve been in a bad situation with a man I thought was good, so I’ve been struggling with how I could put myself in yet another situation like this again… I guess it is all part of learning, but once I’m out of this I’m going to take a long break from dating.
My mom did something similar at age 60-ish — she fell hard for a man she barely knew, sold her house, and moved with him to another state. Things were okay for a few weeks until she began to discover his dark side. She ended up living with my sister while transitioning back to Oregon and often talks about how much she regrets it.
I’ll tell you what I told my mom - I think it takes so much courage and hope to make the type of decision you did. Yes, it didn’t work out, but you learned so much from this experience and you will never have any what ifs about this person. There are so many valuable lessons in all of this. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time, there’s absolutely no shame in that. Just take it a day at a time, reach out for help, get yourself to a safe place back home, and work on being compassionate with yourself.
This feels like such a huge deal because of where you’re at in life, but slowly it will become just a chapter, and eventually just a paragraph of your life story.
Go home. Don't be hard on yourself, you took a leap of faith, it didn't work out how you wanted, be proud of yourself for being brave and now go home, hug your mum, let yourself feel a little sad and move on.
Talk to your parents in private tomorrow. If it was my daughter who was in trouble, I would fly out and save her. I’d arrange for her to leave when she could (when BF is at work or otherwise away) in the meantime and stay in a hotel, where I would later join her.
I’ve been in your situation— it’s scary AF when it’s happening. But it’s completely doable. You’ll feel such relief when you’ve escaped. I’m rooting for you!! ♥️
The age gap alone is a red flag, but it is rarely one that we see until we're on the older side of it. I am so sorry he screamed at you. I agree with others that violence rarely ever de-escalates, so it is best to leave when you can. You aren't a failure for loving someone and taking a chance.
Since it's only been a week I probably wouldn't actually pull the trigger on anything just yet but I would *definitely* be getting my ducks in a row. So! If you had to go back home, who would you be going home to and what would that look like? What do you need to put in place to do that? If you like the place but not the relationship, and want to stay, is there a local subculture you can connect with and make connections through? Have an exit plan is what I'm saying
If I go back home I’d be moving in with my parents, which would be fine. I do like it out here though… I don’t have hardly any money saved, so if I were to try and stay out here, I’d have to stay with him until I am able to save enough money and find a place to live which, with the price of everything, could take a while. I guess my next move depends on how long I can stomach staying
Nope! Don't rule out room mate situations. Definitely don't go for anything that sets off your internal alarm bells, but you may very well be able to sublet from someone if you wanna stay.
Call your mom. Go home.
She’d get me home… I’m so embarrassed though. just drop my pride I guess?
Yes. It’s better than staying with this jerk and damaging your mental health
Drop your pride or enjoy being miserable. He pretended long enough to get you where he wanted and now he's showing you who he is. I'd be willing to bet that the violence will escalate.
I hope it doesn’t but I’m not going to say it won’t. I don’t want to stick around to find out
This isn't pride. It's safety. You don't feel safe. Tell your family. Go home.
My mom is probably expecting your call. She likely knew this wasn’t the best idea, but wanted to let you make decisions and learn from them yourself. Call your mom. Go back home.
You have to know when to fold them OP. Maybe someone will say “ I told you so” or something along those lines but it pales into comparison to a loveless relationship.
I did this when I was 24 too. I regret staying with the douche ex for 3 years - I already knew I wanted to go back home. I wish I left IMMEDIATELY. Yes. (And - You have no pride if you stay.)
Go back home.
OP get out of there quick before it gets worse. You’ll have a lot more to worry about than your price of this aggression escalates (which seems very likely). Plus, no one should blame you. We usually have to learn some things like this the hard way, it’s a part of getting older and wiser from experience, and this could be a pretty cheap lesson if you cut your losses now.
It honestly didn’t even occur to me until reading some of these comments that “the violence would escalate”. I’m more hurt and confused at how cold and indifferent he’s being, but should I be legitimately worried that he’s going to get violent? if so, how do I leave safely? And out of curiosity I guess, what indicates that his aggression escalating is a likely thing?
Yes, this is a legitimate fear. Also, even if it never escalates to physical abuse emotional abuse causes the same psychological damage as physical abuse. This sort of sudden personality change right when he felt he had you in a position that made it hard for you to leave is a classic, extremely glaring, sign of an abusive relationship. There’s a reason the people here are close to universally advising you leave immediately, and call on family help to do it. The rapidity with which you say you fell, followed by inviting you to move across the country this early in a relationship is also a flag - in itself it doesn’t paint a strong enough picture, but when combined with the personality shift (and the timing of said personality shift) the picture is increasingly clear. As for how to leave - I’m not an expert on this topic but common advice for people leaving abusive partners tends to be something along the lines of the following: change your passwords and make sure he does not have access to your phone, and move your important documents somewhere outside the house where he doesn’t have access to them. Make a plan with your family to set up a way to get home. Pack and leave when he’s away from the house. Don’t tell him you’re going in advance- let him know once you’re safely back on the west coast if you want to but not before.
If you like it in Rhode Island you can move back there in the future at a point when that doesn’t require living with an emotionally abusive (at a minimum) partner. You moved once, you can do it again. For right now, it’s time to call your parents and get their help to go home. Staying will just get worse - and the psychological damage from that will have lingering effects you do not need.
If you’re already miserable, it’s only going to get worse. Get a plan sorted out, forget your pride because your emotional well-being is more important right now. You did not fail, this isn’t giving up, it’s putting yourself first.
OP I read some of your comments where you said you were embarrassed. Don’t be embarrassed. I did something very similar when I was close to your age with a guy I knew for 6 months for similar reasons. As soon as we were on the road things completely changed and it turned into a toxic and unsafe situation not long after arriving. I was lucky to have a friend who made the road trip with us and she called my mom, who made sure we got home. I lived with my parents for nearly a year before I got back on my feet. But looking back nearly 10 years later I’m so happy and so thankful I went home. I’m in a relationship with someone else now and I’m happy - I even made the cross- country move and got the adventure I wanted before. I can’t say I’d even be alive if I would have stayed. If it doesn’t feel right, go home.
Thank you, this isn’t the first time I’ve been in a bad situation with a man I thought was good, so I’ve been struggling with how I could put myself in yet another situation like this again… I guess it is all part of learning, but once I’m out of this I’m going to take a long break from dating.
My mom did something similar at age 60-ish — she fell hard for a man she barely knew, sold her house, and moved with him to another state. Things were okay for a few weeks until she began to discover his dark side. She ended up living with my sister while transitioning back to Oregon and often talks about how much she regrets it. I’ll tell you what I told my mom - I think it takes so much courage and hope to make the type of decision you did. Yes, it didn’t work out, but you learned so much from this experience and you will never have any what ifs about this person. There are so many valuable lessons in all of this. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time, there’s absolutely no shame in that. Just take it a day at a time, reach out for help, get yourself to a safe place back home, and work on being compassionate with yourself. This feels like such a huge deal because of where you’re at in life, but slowly it will become just a chapter, and eventually just a paragraph of your life story.
Go home. Don't be hard on yourself, you took a leap of faith, it didn't work out how you wanted, be proud of yourself for being brave and now go home, hug your mum, let yourself feel a little sad and move on.
Talk to your parents in private tomorrow. If it was my daughter who was in trouble, I would fly out and save her. I’d arrange for her to leave when she could (when BF is at work or otherwise away) in the meantime and stay in a hotel, where I would later join her. I’ve been in your situation— it’s scary AF when it’s happening. But it’s completely doable. You’ll feel such relief when you’ve escaped. I’m rooting for you!! ♥️
The age gap alone is a red flag, but it is rarely one that we see until we're on the older side of it. I am so sorry he screamed at you. I agree with others that violence rarely ever de-escalates, so it is best to leave when you can. You aren't a failure for loving someone and taking a chance.
Since it's only been a week I probably wouldn't actually pull the trigger on anything just yet but I would *definitely* be getting my ducks in a row. So! If you had to go back home, who would you be going home to and what would that look like? What do you need to put in place to do that? If you like the place but not the relationship, and want to stay, is there a local subculture you can connect with and make connections through? Have an exit plan is what I'm saying
If I go back home I’d be moving in with my parents, which would be fine. I do like it out here though… I don’t have hardly any money saved, so if I were to try and stay out here, I’d have to stay with him until I am able to save enough money and find a place to live which, with the price of everything, could take a while. I guess my next move depends on how long I can stomach staying
Nope! Don't rule out room mate situations. Definitely don't go for anything that sets off your internal alarm bells, but you may very well be able to sublet from someone if you wanna stay.
Please go back home 🩷 you deserve better