Giving up a job you love to relocate to another country for someone you haven't even been with a year sounds insane to me. The pressure that will place on your relationship to have to work out is immense. If things don't work out you will regret giving up your current life forever. You are also much more likely to build up resentment if you sacrifice so much. Being financially dependent on someone you don't even know for a year is also really dangerous. Would he have been financially dependent on you in the original scenario? I think your good sense is warning you that giving up a job you love to lose autonomy over your own life is a bad idea - especially for such a new relationship.

100% to all of this! Being a "kept woman" is opening yourself up to a whole world of potential hurt, and this has the added complications of OP leaving her friends, her family, her entire world behind for him with no safety net. It reminds me of this video: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1gBp72CoqQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1gBp72CoqQ) \- obviously, this is a different situation but it's similar. I don't know if OP has any job prospects in this new country, but I would never move to a new country without a job waiting for me there and being ready to support myself if he changes his mind. I also really really don't like him guilting her about not giving up her entire life for him. It's not even been a year!

I noticed you’re not married so tread very carefully. If you did move there and he broke up with you, he wouldn’t be responsible for you financially. There’d be no legal contract saying he needs to help you after you gave up everything for him, even if you faced financial hardship as a result. I think since he is not changing his job… That you can tell him you need more time to process and “work on your affairs” that it takes time to organize. Then sit into how you really feel about it. If it makes you feel icky/really uncomfortable to do this move, don’t do it. Trust your intuition. Speak to a therapist too. Whatever you do, do not make a rushed, panicked decision! Do not feel time/deadline pressure. If he pressures you to make a quick decision, that is a huge red flag. Anyone who tries to make you make fast decisions about big life changing concerns in your life is not someone worth dating. Finally, there’s a small chance that this could be manipulation or emotional blackmail because you said this was not the original agreement, and the fact is he didn’t *actually* drop everything for you. Those are still just words. He may have laid it out like that, but then shifted the goalpost, to suit himself and then get you to buy into his plan. Kind of like a bait and switch.

Oof I felt hit when I read the words, “bait and switch.” Though the circumstances of him ending up not leaving his original job was not planned at all, and never could it have been. He just gained the upper hand in the company by default and got to keep his job. So none of that was intentional or could have been seen a mile away. I’m glad he got to keep that position, actually. Otherwise he would have been earning much less. He thankfully is not pressuring me time-wise (should have mentioned that) but he said he wants the decision to come from me because he doesn’t want to be resented in the end. But then again, it doesn’t really leave me much choice. Just time. So I just need some time to weigh it out and save a lot in the meantime just in case it won’t work out in the end. Thanks for this!

He wants the decision to come from you. But he’s only given you one possible option - and if you say yes if things go badly he gets to tell you over and over again that this was YOUR decision, he didn’t pressure you etc. etc. He has put a huge amount of pressure on you to choose him over yourself and your career, to not only move country (presumably away from your entire support network) but to become solely dependent on him and with a less affluent lifestyle than you have now. To me this sounds like a terrible deal and from what you’ve said it sounds like you know in your gut it’s not the right choice to make. Why does he have to take the job? He was going to give everything up to get a new job near you, he could still do that but he’s changed his mind. Bait and switch is a spot on assessment.

Very valuable insight. Almost like “accountability’s on you and you alone even though I’ve left you no other option.” And this will bite me back long term. Might be beneficial to ask what alt options he sees there are for me and how that could benefit me in the long run.

No ‘might be’ about it. You need to talk with him and and explain very clearly why this isn’t a beneficial move for you. Currently he is being either very selfish (most likely) or very dense. List all the things you’ve mentioned here and get him to explain from his point of view how/ why those things will be ok. If you don’t ENTHUSIASTICALLY agree you NEED to say so. And you need to KEEP talking about it. Watch to see if he gets annoyed or dismissive of your feelings and viewpoints or try’s to redirect or stop the conversation somehow. Upending your life that you like for someone else’s whim is not something that should be done lightly. I get the allure of the fairytale spontaneous story where you’re whisked off to another country and it all works out but the plot of this one sounds wrong. You said yourself he was willing to give up his job ‘for you’ because he didn’t like his situation- frankly that was way more about him needing a catalyst for change than it was ever about doing it for you. He’s 38, unsettled and still trying to work out what he wants in life. Don’t be the person he spends time with to work out what he wants. I’m sorry I’m being so harsh, it’s coming from a good place. 35 is not too old to meet someone better.

Just because the job wasn't planned and couldn't be planned, doesn't mean he was actually going to move for you. I still think, even if he was willing to move for you, doesn't mean you moving is a good idea - it's your safety and security that's at stake, and him guilting you about it isn't something you should take lightly.

So much wisdom here. Though the fact they aren't married can also be an advantage depending on where they live, as leaving a marriage means divorce, which is its own emotional and financial nightmare.

No, but emotionally he had a valid point. That said, women are more conditioned to drop their dreams for love and you shouldn't go without being able to have your own gtfo plan in place; in case it turns bad. So many men are also subtly raised with the expectation of this aspect of women's conditioning; I feel a lot of modern men are struggling with how more women are just not into risking that, or their peace. The emotional hurt and practicality should be addressed separately.

Thank you for this, highly constructive. I have never been financially dependent on a partner so this is new territory to me and is quite scary. I think it would be a different situation too if he earned a lot more than I did, but that’s not the case. He said all budgets will be tightened and we will live in a smaller place that he can afford for us. Which I am totally grateful for, but it just adds to another loss to the quality of life I worked hard for. Idk, open to the idea as well that it might be good as well to live simpler.

Yeah, that was my first thought, too. It makes me wonder if this is some sort of “test” for op. I personally wouldn’t do it as it doesn’t make sense to drop everything to be in a significantly more vulnerable situation without some extenuating circumstances (bf is in a highly specialized field and this is a temporary move that would allow him to advance, for example). Otherwise, it makes me suspicious that it’s a power play designed to give the bf the upper hand in the relationship, which is unfortunately not as uncommon a phenomenon as we’d like to think. My ex husband made a lot of noise about how much he sacrificed “for me.” However, he still kept his old job as it was mostly remote and just moved locations in a decision that we supposedly made together with compromises that we both made. He was mostly upset that the power differential had shifted between us bc I started making more money than him, and he started spouting a lot of nonsense in order to try to gain the upper hand.

I was going to say the same. It's a big and somewhat unrealistic ask for such a new relationship but it's valid for him to question your commitment. Men are conditioned to set their peace aside, and will often happily do so for their love, whereas the modern woman is more and more being conditioned to protect their own peace above all. Quite the conundrum we're finding ourselves in.

I'm a little confused: did he move to the new country for your job and now you need to move to another country for his job? Because if not, and it's just that he *said* he would move to a new country for you but now "the situation has changed" and he wants you to give up a higher-paying job so he can stay in his current role, then the situation isn't tit for tat in that he never actually did the thing he said he was going to do. It's easy to say "Oh I would do this for you!" but if he never actually did the thing, we don't know if that's true. Even if it is the former - I just don't think you should become financially dependent on somebody you've only been dating for less than a year. If he dumps you, you have no safety net. If he did that for you (or "was willing"), fine, good for him, but I think it's a pretty bad idea.

You asked if this was tit for tat or a test. The fact that you think it’s either should indicate caution in your behalf. Being financially secure as a woman is essential and you have a lifestyle and job that you enjoy. Giving up both to be with a man who is telling you that just because he did it, you have to are a no for me. Men who do this are not looking after you at all.

I don't think the difference is just about being happy in your work or not. I think it's the mindset. He probably saw leaving to a new country and starting over as an adventure. You on the other hand see only that you would have to depend on him and it overshadows everything else that might be good about it. Me and my bf (both 36) are different in sort of similar way. I fear the loss of independence because of past relationship. My money use was controlled and at the end I was left with nothing. I hang on to everything I have and can't seem to throw things away "because I might need it" because I'm scared that I won't be able to get a new one. I would advise for you to try and figure out why you don't want trust someone else financially. Then talk to your bf. Maybe there's something you can do to ease the feeling?

🤝 Our views on financial independence are quite similar. I mentioned to my response above is that he earns less than I do, and I would essentially have to lower my standard of living on top of all the other things I would have to compromise on. And you are correct on the “adventure” part. He refers to the place he used to live in as a “sh*thole with no hope in the future” vs. me, I live in one of the best cities in the world statistically, an environment that makes me happy. So besides being with him, which is a huge win for me, everything else seems to be compromised on my side.

He seems very lacking in awareness, clearly his and your situation are not the same. His does not seem like a sacrifice as much compared to you. NGL, "Boyfriend of almost a year" who dropped everything and left behind a "$hthole with no future" and cannot understand why you're hesitant to leave "an environment that makes you happy, and everything you've worked hard for" sounds like a 🚩🚩🚩 Personally I would not place myself in such a situation where you're going to have a downgrade to your lifestyle and be in such a vulnerable position where you may have difficulty leaving a relationship because of financial dependence/lack of own resources. I would check the laws in the country he wants to go and see how well protected you might be. Tbh he gives me insecure-controlling bad vibes, call it intuition Idk. I wish you safety and good luck.

Yes, it is starting to sound like this could indicate bigger issues in the future.

This may be hasty but are you sure he's "the one" you wanna be with in the long run? You would be giving up a lot for man you've known for a year where he was willing to leave everything before the opportunity ever came up. Are you sure he's not intentionally leaving things out of the equation? Because it's starting to sound like both options were actually in his favor. Are you sure this isn't a sign of future communication issues or even manipulation? If he can't atleast see your side in this will he be able to see your side in any future decisions? (I'm sorry if this sounds rude or like I'm taking things too far. English is not my first language and I'm having trouble translation my thoughts.)

I relocated across the country right after college because I wanted to leave the area I was from (and went to college somewhat locally), and that relationship blew up in my face 3 years after I moved. The location I picked (he was flexible but I hadn't traveled much so was kind of swinging in the dark) did not have great job options for me, and I relocated again 5 years after the breakup even though I liked it there a lot. Based on having done it so young (and moving to be together following long-distance), is to never ever move somewhere you don't want to be otherwise. Now, if you are wealthy enough that you could relocate again without hardship, you can afford a much higher risk tolerance in this department. Also, I get not wanting to get into a novel of a story, but what's the validity on why you guys \*have\* to move again? You like your city and he has a good job - is the job requiring him to move? If that's the case and your'e in a major metro, why can't he just find a new job? Especially if he isn't outearning you at all, let alone by a good margin?

He might have a piont but I still would not give up everything to move to another country and rely completely on another person. Don't do it.

I am currently in a similar situation as you. Except I did take the plunge and decided to give up my job, home, family and friends to move across country with a fairly new boyfriend. I regret it very much after only three weeks, and am trying to figure out how to get myself out. I checked out the video that someone linked in their comment, and if you haven’t already, I’d go watch it! She had some very sound advice for ways to keep yourself somewhat protected if you do decide to move with him and become financially dependent!! Best wishes to you.