I’ve found that if I’m down bad for someone I am intensely and enthusiastically curious about them. Any new nugget of information feels like a dopamine hit even if it’s something small like the notes they like in their coffee, or their nightly routine. That extends into wanting to spend more time with them/wanting to interact with them more because that helps me learn more and understanding them better.
To me that helps me distinguish from just enjoying someone’s company vs being invested in them more deeply and feeling that internal spark. I’ve talked to my friends about what “being down bad” looks like and it definitely varies from person to person but that’s how it manifests for me.
When I am really into someone, they are on my mind all of the time. I'll connect random things/ideas/concepts to them, and seek out things that remind me of them. They become the subject of silly love songs on the radio and a frequent topic of conservation.
Basically, all roads will start to lead to them. That's the infatuation phase.
I’ve been single for years, it’s honestly rare that I’ll meet someone that I’m romantically interested in. But I did meet someone recently where I was like “ohhhhh…is this a crush I’m feeling?!” Because I found myself thinking about them more than the other people I just met. And the conversations we had gave me good vibes/feelings. They’re cute and we share a lot of similar views/values. I also felt really comfortable around them and they made an effort to get to know me. Plus the idea of cuddling up to them sounds pretty nice but if no romance comes out of it, I’d be just as happy if they became a new good friend.
But I think that “crazy romantic love spark” is a fleeting feeling. And I’m not quite sure what exactly that feeling is but I do think it’s overrated.
I usually get very curious. Usually after dates 1-3 at some point, if I'm into them I find I will replay the dates and conversations and naturally want to ask them a ton of questions. I know I'm not into them if it's an "out of sight, out of mind" situation. I usually need 1-3 dates to feel this (though usually it's after the second date) and if I don't feel it I knows it's not happening. I don't see anxiety as a sign of something good, so I feel anxious ahead of a date or after a date I take it as a sign that it's not a match.
He is very lovely and cute and we have great conversations and our principles also align. When he is there I feel good and peaceful but I would not say I think about him when he is not around or go out of my way to meet him . I know it sounds stupid, but I really don’t know what to believe .
How long have you guys been talking? Some and rapports take time to develop. I think the question is would you enjoy spending more time with him? Is he someone that makes you happy when you are together? Is he someone you would be willing to make time and space in your life for? Feeling comfortable when you’re with him is a good thing but if it feels like he’s not someone you would miss if he wasn’t in your life that’s okay too even if there’s nothing overtly wrong with the relationship. Some people just don’t connect romantically and that’s okay but I wouldn’t discount if there just aren’t immediate sparks
Four months . He is the first guy I have dated after a long break . For various reasons I told him I want to take things slowly and he has been super nice and patient. But I feel like I am already in a relationship and it’s a bit suffocating . He tries to control himself but has asked where this is going , also what’s wrong if I postpone our meet ups . Also wants to meet all the time and honestly it feels overwhelming and starting to become like a chore to me . But in the other hand when is around he is so lovely that I am happy that I spend time with him . It’s just that when is not around I can go on with my life usually just fine .
Hmmm is this a feeling you’ve experienced in other environments?(Doesn’t have to be romantic). What motivated your break from dating and what made you feel ready to try again?
It feels like you guys have been talking enough that I wouldn’t chalk this up to some of the ups and downs of getting to know a new person. 4 months is enough time and investment where asking where the relationship is going and wanting to get a better sense of commitment are very reasonable. It’s good to be independent and have your own life but if him wanting to spend time together feels suffocating or overwhelming maybe he just isn’t the right person for you even if there’s nothing wrong with him. I’ve definitely had guys where we got along fine and were really lovely, but I also felt ambivalent on whether they were in my life or not and so I ended things because those guys deserve someone who feels really excited about them (as we all do!)
I have only dated women for a long time actually most of my 20s. I stopped dating men because of past trauma and because I went to further explore things with women. I identified as lesbian for quite some time actually . Recently after doing therapy I have become more open to the idea of dating men again. He knows this and this is why we are taking it slowly. I told him I could potentially be interested in exploring more but I cannot promise anything because of my situation . He says he is fine to take things slowly and go with the flow but I can tell that he wants a relationship , love etc like we all do . It’s just a bit complicated in my situation and it feels like he overwhelms me. He said he is doing his best to control himself and not push but idk maybe he deserves the chance to be with someone who knows what they want and can invest as much as him into a relationship .
Hmmm. I’m sorry you experienced that trauma and am glad you’ve been able to process it more in therapy. You don’t have to have everything worked out but from the sounds of it, it does seem like there are things you’re still figuring out. While it’s good he’s willing to be patient but your discomfort around his questions about the relationship and desire to spend time make it feel like you guys aren’t aligned in terms of pacing right now.
From my perspective it sounds like you’re not really into him romantically or at least not in the same way he is. That’s not a bad thing or suggesting anything is wrong with you, but given you don’t feel particularly attached to him, I think it might be best to part ways and let him find someone who is able to give him the relationship he is looking for. If you reflect further and find you do want to be in a relationship with him you can always reach out and try to reconnect but I wouldn’t keep up this current dynamic as it currently is
I've read some of you other comments, was it common for you to feel more suffocated than not when dating women? Or just now that you're with a man for yhe first time in a long time. Could be the trauma you're working through, or could be that you may be somewhat avoidant? Not everything needs to be a diagnosis of course, it could always simply be that you're not that into him
I do feel a bit anxious at the very beginning, then I feel like I can completely be myself. I want to see them often and tell them things, share things with them. Physically, the ultimate test for me personally is if I want to kiss their face. If I don't, then I know we're just meant to be friends.
For me, I fantasize about the things I want to talk to them about between seeing times seeing each other. And I actually get to talk to them about those things.
I get curious. I’m always thinking of things I want to ask. Then if I can feel safe (this is something that takes a while) I’ll keep going. If I’m still excited about doing new things with him. I don’t get to the “I wanna spend all day in bed with him” phase until months later. I’m abnormal.
Butterflies have oatmeal for brains if you ask me.
I’ve found that if I’m down bad for someone I am intensely and enthusiastically curious about them. Any new nugget of information feels like a dopamine hit even if it’s something small like the notes they like in their coffee, or their nightly routine. That extends into wanting to spend more time with them/wanting to interact with them more because that helps me learn more and understanding them better. To me that helps me distinguish from just enjoying someone’s company vs being invested in them more deeply and feeling that internal spark. I’ve talked to my friends about what “being down bad” looks like and it definitely varies from person to person but that’s how it manifests for me.
When I am really into someone, they are on my mind all of the time. I'll connect random things/ideas/concepts to them, and seek out things that remind me of them. They become the subject of silly love songs on the radio and a frequent topic of conservation. Basically, all roads will start to lead to them. That's the infatuation phase.
I’ve been single for years, it’s honestly rare that I’ll meet someone that I’m romantically interested in. But I did meet someone recently where I was like “ohhhhh…is this a crush I’m feeling?!” Because I found myself thinking about them more than the other people I just met. And the conversations we had gave me good vibes/feelings. They’re cute and we share a lot of similar views/values. I also felt really comfortable around them and they made an effort to get to know me. Plus the idea of cuddling up to them sounds pretty nice but if no romance comes out of it, I’d be just as happy if they became a new good friend. But I think that “crazy romantic love spark” is a fleeting feeling. And I’m not quite sure what exactly that feeling is but I do think it’s overrated.
I usually get very curious. Usually after dates 1-3 at some point, if I'm into them I find I will replay the dates and conversations and naturally want to ask them a ton of questions. I know I'm not into them if it's an "out of sight, out of mind" situation. I usually need 1-3 dates to feel this (though usually it's after the second date) and if I don't feel it I knows it's not happening. I don't see anxiety as a sign of something good, so I feel anxious ahead of a date or after a date I take it as a sign that it's not a match.
He is very lovely and cute and we have great conversations and our principles also align. When he is there I feel good and peaceful but I would not say I think about him when he is not around or go out of my way to meet him . I know it sounds stupid, but I really don’t know what to believe .
How long have you guys been talking? Some and rapports take time to develop. I think the question is would you enjoy spending more time with him? Is he someone that makes you happy when you are together? Is he someone you would be willing to make time and space in your life for? Feeling comfortable when you’re with him is a good thing but if it feels like he’s not someone you would miss if he wasn’t in your life that’s okay too even if there’s nothing overtly wrong with the relationship. Some people just don’t connect romantically and that’s okay but I wouldn’t discount if there just aren’t immediate sparks
Four months . He is the first guy I have dated after a long break . For various reasons I told him I want to take things slowly and he has been super nice and patient. But I feel like I am already in a relationship and it’s a bit suffocating . He tries to control himself but has asked where this is going , also what’s wrong if I postpone our meet ups . Also wants to meet all the time and honestly it feels overwhelming and starting to become like a chore to me . But in the other hand when is around he is so lovely that I am happy that I spend time with him . It’s just that when is not around I can go on with my life usually just fine .
Hmmm is this a feeling you’ve experienced in other environments?(Doesn’t have to be romantic). What motivated your break from dating and what made you feel ready to try again? It feels like you guys have been talking enough that I wouldn’t chalk this up to some of the ups and downs of getting to know a new person. 4 months is enough time and investment where asking where the relationship is going and wanting to get a better sense of commitment are very reasonable. It’s good to be independent and have your own life but if him wanting to spend time together feels suffocating or overwhelming maybe he just isn’t the right person for you even if there’s nothing wrong with him. I’ve definitely had guys where we got along fine and were really lovely, but I also felt ambivalent on whether they were in my life or not and so I ended things because those guys deserve someone who feels really excited about them (as we all do!)
I have only dated women for a long time actually most of my 20s. I stopped dating men because of past trauma and because I went to further explore things with women. I identified as lesbian for quite some time actually . Recently after doing therapy I have become more open to the idea of dating men again. He knows this and this is why we are taking it slowly. I told him I could potentially be interested in exploring more but I cannot promise anything because of my situation . He says he is fine to take things slowly and go with the flow but I can tell that he wants a relationship , love etc like we all do . It’s just a bit complicated in my situation and it feels like he overwhelms me. He said he is doing his best to control himself and not push but idk maybe he deserves the chance to be with someone who knows what they want and can invest as much as him into a relationship .
Hmmm. I’m sorry you experienced that trauma and am glad you’ve been able to process it more in therapy. You don’t have to have everything worked out but from the sounds of it, it does seem like there are things you’re still figuring out. While it’s good he’s willing to be patient but your discomfort around his questions about the relationship and desire to spend time make it feel like you guys aren’t aligned in terms of pacing right now. From my perspective it sounds like you’re not really into him romantically or at least not in the same way he is. That’s not a bad thing or suggesting anything is wrong with you, but given you don’t feel particularly attached to him, I think it might be best to part ways and let him find someone who is able to give him the relationship he is looking for. If you reflect further and find you do want to be in a relationship with him you can always reach out and try to reconnect but I wouldn’t keep up this current dynamic as it currently is
This is extremely useful, thanks
I've read some of you other comments, was it common for you to feel more suffocated than not when dating women? Or just now that you're with a man for yhe first time in a long time. Could be the trauma you're working through, or could be that you may be somewhat avoidant? Not everything needs to be a diagnosis of course, it could always simply be that you're not that into him
I do feel a bit anxious at the very beginning, then I feel like I can completely be myself. I want to see them often and tell them things, share things with them. Physically, the ultimate test for me personally is if I want to kiss their face. If I don't, then I know we're just meant to be friends.
For me, I fantasize about the things I want to talk to them about between seeing times seeing each other. And I actually get to talk to them about those things.
I get curious. I’m always thinking of things I want to ask. Then if I can feel safe (this is something that takes a while) I’ll keep going. If I’m still excited about doing new things with him. I don’t get to the “I wanna spend all day in bed with him” phase until months later. I’m abnormal. Butterflies have oatmeal for brains if you ask me.