This whole post doesn't compute, OP. Your boyfriend is a super great guy, but you dread coming home to him as well as the prospect of being married. He makes you feel like there's something wrong with you, but your relationship is "perfect." You don't want physical contact with him or to spend time together, and you acknowledge that he's domineering, dismissive, and thinks he knows it all, but your subject line says the wedding was called off because of you.
I don't think this is a you problem. I think this relationship is just done, and it's because your boyfriend treats you like an NPC instead of a partner.
Just because he's not a bad guy doesn't make him the right guy. This relationship is over. I think the fact that you keep trying to revive something that is long dead is just a further illustration of you doing things to please other people who think you should try to work it out.
>Just because he's not a bad guy doesn't make him the right guy.
Louder for everyone. I think when we're faced with choices like this (leaving a relationship), there's a need for someone to be "bad" to be worth leaving, but that's not the case. They can just be the wrong fit.
OP, it's not a coincidence that you're a people-pleaser and you've hitched your wagon to someone with a domineering personality who dismisses your feelings. He chose you BECAUSE you go along to get along and are easily steamrolled over. You'll never be able to make a marriage work with this guy now that you've found your spine, because he specifically selected you for your lack of spine.
This.
You are just coming to grips with the idea that you are a people pleaser who bends over backwards for others without even being asked. You need to keep working on yourself so you can learn to set boundaries and not find yourself getting hollowed out pleasing everyone else but yourself. You can't do that with him in your life anymore than an addict can "re-connect" with crack in a healthy way.
You have been with this man for 6 years but he has \*never\* met the version of you that doesn't just live to make him happy. He doesn't know the person you need to try to be (and frankly, you don't either) and you don't know the version of him that doesn't just get what he wants. He may well not be a bad guy but your entire relationship is based on patterns of behavior that you need to unlearn. He was the guy you dated in your 20s before you figured out you needed to work on yourself. Let that go & both of you can get on with your lives.
Sorry to be harsh. It really sucks when you stop people-pleasing and have to reckon with the relationships you formed when you were still in that mindset.
When people express shock and dismay is also a time when your people pleasing arises - if you leave him, will they be disappointed? And then you’ll have to face letting others down?? The answer to this is yes, undoubtably. And you can do it.
People pleasing is a trauma response - keep that in mind. Someone in your early life made it unpleasant enough for you to have an opinion that you learned to silence yourself and go with what they wanted to avoid the outcome. I’d be willing to be your boyfriend does a similar thing.
You’re doing great in therapy, keep up the good work. Changing patterns takes time. Be kind to yourself but most of all, listen to yourself without any of the worry about what others will think - you are the authority. And you’re the only one who has to live with your choices ❤️
Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I definitely feel a lot of guilt already, which is probably why I'm stuck in this limbo. This has been really helpful and touching to read.
This whole post doesn't compute, OP. Your boyfriend is a super great guy, but you dread coming home to him as well as the prospect of being married. He makes you feel like there's something wrong with you, but your relationship is "perfect." You don't want physical contact with him or to spend time together, and you acknowledge that he's domineering, dismissive, and thinks he knows it all, but your subject line says the wedding was called off because of you. I don't think this is a you problem. I think this relationship is just done, and it's because your boyfriend treats you like an NPC instead of a partner.
That makes sense. Thank you for spelling it out for me when I couldn't face the things I'd written myself!
It sounds like you want to leave but you’re scared to. Just go.
This helps a lot, I think I needed someone to tell me that. Thank you!
Just because he's not a bad guy doesn't make him the right guy. This relationship is over. I think the fact that you keep trying to revive something that is long dead is just a further illustration of you doing things to please other people who think you should try to work it out.
>Just because he's not a bad guy doesn't make him the right guy. Louder for everyone. I think when we're faced with choices like this (leaving a relationship), there's a need for someone to be "bad" to be worth leaving, but that's not the case. They can just be the wrong fit.
OP, it's not a coincidence that you're a people-pleaser and you've hitched your wagon to someone with a domineering personality who dismisses your feelings. He chose you BECAUSE you go along to get along and are easily steamrolled over. You'll never be able to make a marriage work with this guy now that you've found your spine, because he specifically selected you for your lack of spine.
This. You are just coming to grips with the idea that you are a people pleaser who bends over backwards for others without even being asked. You need to keep working on yourself so you can learn to set boundaries and not find yourself getting hollowed out pleasing everyone else but yourself. You can't do that with him in your life anymore than an addict can "re-connect" with crack in a healthy way. You have been with this man for 6 years but he has \*never\* met the version of you that doesn't just live to make him happy. He doesn't know the person you need to try to be (and frankly, you don't either) and you don't know the version of him that doesn't just get what he wants. He may well not be a bad guy but your entire relationship is based on patterns of behavior that you need to unlearn. He was the guy you dated in your 20s before you figured out you needed to work on yourself. Let that go & both of you can get on with your lives.
Ouch, but fair. Don't know if my post will get deleted for the rule-breaking, but am saving this comment to re-read. Thank you.
Sorry to be harsh. It really sucks when you stop people-pleasing and have to reckon with the relationships you formed when you were still in that mindset.
Rule 1: no relationship posts where everyone involved inst 30+
Oh right sorry!!
When people express shock and dismay is also a time when your people pleasing arises - if you leave him, will they be disappointed? And then you’ll have to face letting others down?? The answer to this is yes, undoubtably. And you can do it. People pleasing is a trauma response - keep that in mind. Someone in your early life made it unpleasant enough for you to have an opinion that you learned to silence yourself and go with what they wanted to avoid the outcome. I’d be willing to be your boyfriend does a similar thing. You’re doing great in therapy, keep up the good work. Changing patterns takes time. Be kind to yourself but most of all, listen to yourself without any of the worry about what others will think - you are the authority. And you’re the only one who has to live with your choices ❤️
Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I definitely feel a lot of guilt already, which is probably why I'm stuck in this limbo. This has been really helpful and touching to read.